#we legit thought it was a mistake until we found out the truth afterwards

[keep-ur-head-low]

My eighth grade English teacher will always be the coolest fucking man to ever live and I have a story to prove it. To celebrate the end of the first semester, the teachers took the entire eighth grade on a school trip to the local movie theater to watch the tamest PG movie showing at the time: Ralph Breaks The Internet. Unsurprisingly, no eighth grader had any interest in watching the sequel to Wreck It Ralph, but pretty much everyone went anyway because why the heck not?

So we all walk to the theater and everyone’s just chilling and talking about stuff completely unrelated to the film, just excited to be spending school hours not listening to a lecture. The theater dims and everyone quiets down with a few mumbles here and there. The screen lights up and here comes the logos and-- wait a minute, Sony?! Where’s the Disney logo? And why’s everything all glitchy?! The air is thick with confusion, and what comes on instead of Ralph Breaks The Internet? Fucking Spider-Man: Into The Spiderverse, hours before its first showing in our area. Turns out our old, mild mannered English teacher wanted to surprise us and checked in with all the teachers on the way there to ask if he could convince the theater to swap out Ralph for Spiderverse. The theater thankfully said yes, resulting in probably the greatest moment of shared confusion and excitement in my life. Shoutout to Mr B for gifting me such a fond experience with one of the best films of all time.

#we legit thought it was a mistake until we found out the truth afterwards #i also sat next to my crush so that was fucking wild #he turned to me and said 'dude i dont think this is wreck it ralph' #later that year we took another trip to watch Godzilla King of Monsters #the entire time we were joking about Mr. B surprising us with some even more violent movie like john wick lmaoo #mr b also praised my writing skills a lot and made sure I knew that he expected to see my name on the bookshelves some day #so guess I'm gonna be a writer now there's no other choice #Spider-man #into the spider verse #spiderman into the spiderverse #sony #story time #school trip #movies #disney #english teacher #sony animations #marvel #itsv

[mcrmadness]

I was writing elsewhere about why I don’t relate to he most common Asperger’s traits and why do I think I have a logic explanation to everything they think makes me an asperger, and the text got so long I might as well just copypaste some of that on here:

It's also so hard to find any good list of Asperger’s symptoms because almost every list says "may or may not be like this", and I definitely am missing the core symptoms of Asperger's and autism. I only relate to those symptoms that are present in both, Asperger's/autism AND adhd, and then to symptoms found in ADD but not only in Asperger's/autism.

I also lack anything from childhood that makes a kid a typical autistic kid. And many things that I share with autistic people I can already explain with other things like my personality, e.g.:

I don't like people because I'm an introvert, not because I'm not neurotypical; and I'm aroace which is why my interests are more important to me than human relationships.

I don't look people in the eye because I am highly sensitive person and an introvert. I also have lots of traumas from other people which makes me act like that because I still basically expect people to start shouting at me or something out of blue, so I'm sometimes acting the same way as a dog that has been beaten too many times and can no longer trust humans.

And this can be easily seen as weird and antisocial when I'm looking at the walls and ceiling and everything else but the person I'm talking to, it just helps me concentrate when I can stare at something that gives my eyes things to do. I'd probably be counting people's nose hair and get distracted by that if I stared at them.

Being stared at overall makes me highly uncomfortable because of being an introvert and HSP.

And me being sensitive to things is also a HSP thing + migraine.

The overstimulation and sensory overload I feel because of HSP is different to those with autism. I have a filter, I can stand that into certain levels but the filters fills up faster than non-HS people’s and then I just start seeing and hearing everything. I’ve understood that people with autism don’t have this kind of filter and when they go to places with lots of stimuli happening all around, they can’t take it the second it happens. In my case I can stand it even when the filter is full but if I don’t get peace soon, I usually get irritated and eventually end up with a headache.

I just wish they would give me an opportunity to explain why I think what I think and didn't just suggest medications for this and that. I mean this psychiatrist already was talking about meds and how he could suggest me a anxiety medication and how "some medications do cause the feelings to go numb, unfortunately". Me on my ANTIDEPRESSANTS was like having depression without melancholy. I couldn’t focus even that little I now can.

How did I end up with an Asperger’s diagnosis, then? I think it’s all just a misunderstanding and professionals understanding my words the wrong way and focusing too much on how I’m on the outside rather than actually paying attention on what I say is happening inside my head. So far I've got social anxiety and generalized anxiety disorder on paper. With the latter I've been living since early childhood and I got the diagnosis when I was 28. And when I went to a psychiatrist last time with this anxiety shit (I was 22), I was desperately looking for a diagnosis with anxiety and what did I get? I got told I can't get therapy if I don't eat medications because "it does not work without meds and we don't have any resources for that", and only when I actually was so mad I finally stood up for myself and said "I'm not going to put any kind of pill into my mouth ever again so f this is all about medications, I guess we're done here." and was already ready to leave and that's when the doctor was a bit baffled and I swear she sounded a bit annoyed when she asked what would have I wanted from therapy, then.

They did not take me seriously, they saw just the social phobia that I told millions of times not being the problem. Me not leaving the house because I was so afraid of accidentally having low blood sugar was not social phobia. I wasn't afraid of people stealing my blood sugar you know??? But they thought I needed group therapy and it was the only solution and there I could also get therapy, even tho I told them I don't like forced socializing and I don't want to go there. They still booked me an appointment with people from that group therapy thing and I legit felt like we'd have sat in that meeting room for days until I'd say "okay I will try it". It literally was just them trying to talk me over to try it. And I went to this thing a couple of times until I messaged them that it's not my thing, I'm not coming there anymore and that's why they cut contact with me because I didn't accept the offered therapy method. And afterwards I went to see my information on the website with medical information and nearly fell of the chair because it said I had been diagnosed with Asperger's. With my mom we actually came to the conclusion it’s because they needed some kind of diagnosis to be done in order to get in that group therapy but I am still stuck with this stupid diagnosis that no doctor now is willing to take away! I'm sure my stubborn behaviour and "I don't like people in places like these" was what made the psychiatrist think it must be Asperger's. They were and still are only worried about people not being able to be a part of the society and an individual has to change instead of trying to make the society better place to live for everyone.

The previous doctor I had for 5 years (ages 17-22), at that time my dad was going to Asperger tests a few times and we all were certain that he has Asperger's too but nope, he doesn't. And at that time we all were also interested in knowing if I have Asperger's and I asked about it from that doctor and he immediately said nope, he doesn't think I have that at all. I also was to neuropsychiatric tests when I was 22 and there were some things, mainly about social skills and emotions and feelings and my "obsessive-compulsive" behaviour they thought supported the Asperger's. My explanations again: Social anxiety. I have problems with emotions because my dad has anger issues and I only lately realized I'm afraid to let all the feels come out because I'm afraid of losing control and accidentally hurting myself, someone else or breaking something. And I don't want that, I need to be in control of myself at all times. I also find it hard to cry because I feel like I can't cry hard enough, I should literally cry my eyes out for it to be efficient. When I thik about anger, I think I just see in my head how my dad reacts to it and I don't want to be like that. So I keep it all in and only way to let it out is by channeling it into something else, like writing, drawing or playing video games. (This is a HSP thing but could also be ADHD thing.) I have the results of the and everything they say about me understanding social cues wrong... I think that's it, they think I don't understand them when it's just because of the heavy bullying that made me unable to trust anything other people do or say. I'm actually good at reading people, I don't have trouble understanding people's facial expressions. I myself don't really use facial expressions because it's a self-defense mechanism, I'm not "allowed" to let people see how I feel. Also social anxiety made me really think i was the center of the world and everyone who laughed, was laughing at me, and combined with bullying, I felt like everyone was talking about behind my back and I just felt so hated because it WAS the truth, but I also was sure that also people who don't know me, do that. So me misunderstanding social cues and those were not typical Asperger's but just caused by bullying and being hated by everyone, and excessive loneliness which sometimes felt like I was going crazy and started having voices in my head because I just needed to have a conversation. I still sometimes think friendships work like they did when I was a teenager because that was the last time I've had an actual friend group or even actual friends. I mean friends who I can actually meet with. Only one of those people is still in my life and we live about 2km from each other but still we meet like 1-2 times a year because we always keep talking about how we need to meet and then don't meet. Rest of my friends I know through internet and I’d so much want to meet but can’t and I can only try and guess how I’d work in situation where I’d be in the same room with them because I no longer remember how that even works. That’s how lonely I am because I can’t get to use social skills outside of the internet that much like, ever. I also had to do lots of learning with social situations when I got over the worst parts of social anxiety, it prevented me from learning things you learn as a teenager because I'd enter panic mode when someone talked to me and then spent the rest of the day analyzing it and wishing I was in control and did something differently. Same thing happened with the antidepressants, 5 years of my life without emotions and feelings. They were taken away when I was 17 and then I got them back when I quit the meds and was 22 and suddenly I should have needed to know how to deal with adult emotions.

So, long story short, bullying left me with inability to read other people CORRECTLY but that does not mean I wouldn’t be able to read people. Nowadays I don’t do the mistakes that much anymore, I sense people’s emotions very easily and I mirror people. I might be weird but it’s not because I would act weird or use weird, inapproprite facial expressions. I enjoy being weird so when I do that, it’s usually because of my sense of humour just not matching with other people’s. But there’s still people who DO understand it, it’s they usually just are not neurotypical.

#mcrmadness' random stuff #mcrmadness' deep thoughts

[itsspookyolive]

Kingdom of Ash Chapters 67-71

THIS POST CONTAINS SPOILERS FOR KINGDOM OF ASH

I think some important stuff happened in these chapters...

Chapter 67 Rowan and Aelin are surveying the battlefield, they plan on moving the armies to Orynth in two days. They talk about how it would take years to heal everyone infected by Valg. Aelin wonders if Yrene could heal Erawan and Maeve but she says she couldn’t couldn’t put her near them while at the same time wondering if its a mistake to put Yrene’s safety above the entire world. They talk again about how Aelin is the one who has to close the gate then they go to Sartaq’s tent to look at the Wryd books he brought. They don’t really find anything other than a spell that can open a portal between locations but only in their world (kind of like what Fenrys can do I guess...). Chaol meets with his dad and his dad is still pissed that Chaol is going to give part of the land to the wild men of the Fangs in exchange for their help. Chaol’s dad (legit can’t remember if he has a name) says he will bargain with Chaol and then shows him a trunk full of letters that Chaol’s mom wrote to him. Chaol is happy his mother hadn’t forgotten him but also mad his dad kept the letters from him as punishment. Chaol says his dad can keep the letters and he gives the wild men land. Everyone goes heads out to go to Orynth. Half the army goes through the mountains with Aelin a back way and the other half goes on the eastern side to draw out forces from the Ferian Gap. Aelin uses some of her magic to cover herself in glowing light so that the army can see it and she can be a “beacon of glowing bright in the the shadows”

So now we arrive at Part Two Gods and Gates

Chapter 68 Dorian has flown into Morath, he goes to one of the towers and then changes from a crow into a mouse. He follows a “mental map” to try to reach Erawan’s tower. He hears some guards saying that Erawan will be in the council room so Dorian decides to go there because he wants to see the thing that had “ordered him enslaved, who had butchered Sorcscha”. Erawan comes into the council room and is followed by a hooded figure who turns out to be Maeve. 

Chapter 69 Aedion and the army have reached Orynth. Its described as a city with white walls that are now stained and grayish. The arm winds through the city heading towards the “near-mythic castle built atop a jutting piece of rock” Aedion is depressed as the people watch them head to the castle because he can’t save them. They all meet with Darrow and the other lords inside the castle and Darrow insults Lysandra. They all discuss what siege preparations are under way. Aftewards Aedion goes to Lysandra and she says that deep down she thought she would one day see Aelin on the throne and that they would all make it but that now she doesn’t know if that will happen. 

Chapter 70 Maeve has come to Morath because her army in Doranelle won’t fight for her now because they received Aelin’s letters. Maeve wants to align with Erawan but he doesn’t trust her. So, she opens a portal in the middle of the room and out pops one of her spiders {Insert: so the stygian spiders that are in Erilea are different from the kharankui which are the spiders from Antica and I guess the kharankui are Maeve’s handmaidens} Maeve says that Erawan can use the kharankui to host the Valg princesses. Erawan says he’ll consider the alliance and that he will let Maeve stay as a guest until he decides. Dorian has been spying on them the whole time in mouse form and he tries to run out but Maeve catches him. 

Chapter 71 Dorian decides that instead of magic, he needs to use a “courtier’s route” to fight Maeve so he turns into a human. Maeve said she knew he was there because she got his scent from Aelin’s memories. She also reveals that Cyrene (the spider Dorian killed early on) was one of Maeve’s spies and that she told Maeve where Dorian and the witches were and that’s how the Matrons found the witch camp. She tries to get into Dorians mind but he blocks her. She then tries to convince Dorian to give her the Wyrd keys so that she can banish Erawan and his brothers and Dorian knows she is telling the truth because he has his lie detector sword with him. Dorian pretends to be considering Maeve’s offer (she says a ton of other stuff about the keys opening worlds and portals and stuff) and then Dorian suggest that he and Maeve ally, they could get married because what she wants is land and to be a queen and he says she could bring the spiders to their side and fight with him for Adarlan. He then lets Maeve into his mind and shows her what she wants to see so she agrees to his plan. Later, Dorian shifts into Vernon and goes to talk to Erawan. He asks Erawan why he is doing what he’s doing and Erawan says he is going to make Erilea into a new homeland for him and his brothers. Dorian asks him if he’ll really kill everyone and Erawan says only those who won’t kneel. Then Dorian asks if the former King of Adarlan asked questions and Erawan says he wasn’t that faithful of a servant and that he never bowed completely. Afterwards Dorian shifts back into a mouse and goes to Maeve’s chamber and she calls him fool for facing Erawan. 

Stray Observations

-So Sarah randomly says that Aelin is riding a Muniqi horse and I don’t know why she can’t just say Aelin was on a fine horse Hasar gave her. We don’t know what a Muniqi horse is because its NEVER BEEN MENTIONED BEFORE so its like such an unnecessary detail that adds nothing to the story!

-Apparently when Dorian shifts not only does he get to keep his clothes but he also gets to keep his sword! So he shifts into a mouse, and then when Maeve catches him he shifts back into a fully clothed man and he also has his sword Damaris with him....

-In chapter 69 Aedion mentions the following: long-forgotten giants, the ancient Wolf Tribes, and the lost Fae of Terrasen...

- I had to keep flipping back to the map so many times because I really can’t gauge where any of the locations are and I don’t get why Aelin and the army have to go through the mountains to get to Orynth when it seems like it would be easier to cross the river and head east through Oakwald forest. 

I kept it five this time because these chapters were hard to explain but my goal is to finish this book by the end of next week!

#anti koa #koa spoilers #kingdom of ash spoilers #anti sjm #anti throne of glass #liv reads koa