#we need a papaya emoji..
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multi-tasker- charles leclerc
charles leclerc x mclaren admin!actress!reader
masterlist
y/n l/n
liked by landonorris, oscarpiastri, and 874,837
y/n l/n when I'm forced to hangout with my mclarens boy
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username lando and oscar are basically her child and ig charles is there father
username landos smile
username Oscar's smile🥰
username MCLAREN ADMIN
oscarpiastri you did this for what?
username we need more red carpet looks
username love that y/n is an actress and mclarens admin
landonorris thank god this wasnt on mclaren acc
username gold digger
username she makes more money than all of them combined
username shes using them for fame
username shes literally mclarens admin...
username may I add on.. an actress...
username pause- you telling me this acc is charles gf? charles gf is admin? for mclaren?
username girl it's been know for like more than a month
y/n l/n
y/n l/n my love and my child got pole 1-2 (oscar disappeared with his gf🤭)
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username this is so cute
username can we talk about the emoji🤨
username um oscar?honey?
username yall need a dog?
username beautiful breathtaking hot angelic gorgeous pretty cute adorable alluring elegant lovely
username somebody sedate me
username AHSSJDJSKSKS
landonorris that sleeping photo was not necessary
charles_leclerc mon amour
logansargeant where's my charger y/n? i know you have it
y/n l/n I go to ur house one time, and I get accused.. over a charger
username SHDJEJ IM ACTUALLY GOING FERAL
username this so cute. now post on mclaren now.
y/n l/n aggressive much
mclaren
liked by y/n l/n, landonorris, and 343,263
mclaren papayas twin
view 738 comments
username FINALLY SOME OSC AND LAN CONTENT
landonorris if you post one more picture of me sleeping y/n
username I'm not breathing okay. oscar is just
username yall
y/n l/n these photo are amazing wonder who took them🤧
username what a beautiful day to be alive
username lando is the next world champion
username i'm obsessed with them
landonorris why would you do this
mclaren why not
landonorris WHY WOULD U
mclaren WHY NOT
y/n l/n
liked by charles_leclerc, maxverstappen, and 8,876,833
y/nleclerc I'm a multi tasker
view 50873 comments
username what the actual fuck
username IAYEHXJWBWB
username the fuck
username MOTHER IS A MOTHER
carlossainz55 brother has game
username THEY ARE MARRIED?!?!
username um.. ok.. so
landonorris I have another sibling🤧
lilymhe charles she still mine
charles_leclerc did you put a ring in it
alex_albon he got you there babe
lilymhe no but I put the baby in her
charles_leclerc hm she was yelling my name not yours
username oh-
y/nleclerc STOP
username yall are paying for my therapy
oscarpiastri I'm suprised lando didnt spoil it
username I need my inhaler
username WHAT
username mother is mothering
username that should be me
danielriccardo mini f1 driver
lewishamilton roscoe is excited!
username oh my gee
username speechless
logansargeant mamma mia
maxverstappen p wants to be the first to meet the baby
mclaren
mclaren The mini driver, Adelina Leclerc L/N has arrived! Big congratulations to y/n and charles! (she'll be back guys, shes spending her time with her little one!)
*comments have been disabled*
y/nleclerc
liked by landonorris, pierregasly, and 10,125,564
y/nleclerc baby adelina is well loved❤
view 24,872 comments
lewishamilton roscoe misses his best friend 🤍
username tearing up ngl
kimkardashian a cute baby!
camilamendes I miss lina
username I need a baby now
pierregasly she bit my finger
vanessamorgan playdate soon
username I'm too young. I'm too young.
username I live for dad charles
taylorswift shes def going on tour with me!!
username shes so cuteee
landonorris I'm the godfather guys🤫
username all these celebrities in the comments
badgirlriri we need a playdate soon
charles_leclerc
liked by y/nleclerc, danielriccardo, and 2,988,134
charles_leclerc our baby is a year old❤
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landonorris shes growing up too fast💔
pierregasly I need more time with her
danielriccardo I'll teach her to walk
ivancornejoo shes grown up so fast, bring her to on set next time
oscarpiastri bring her for a drive!
alex_albon lily wants to babysit
maxverstappen p wants a playdate
*comments are limited*
#f1 one shot#f1 social media au#formula one imagine#charles leclerc#charles leclerc x reader#charles leclerc x female reader#charles leclerc x you#carlos sainz#landonorris#lewis hamilton#max verstappen#pierre gasly#oscar piastri#formula one social media au#charles leclerc social media au#charles leclerc instagram au#charles leclerc imagine
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12 𝐅𝐞𝐞𝐭 𝐀𝐩𝐚𝐫𝐭 | 𝐥𝐚𝐧𝐝𝐨 𝐧𝐨𝐫𝐫𝐢𝐬
ʚsocial media au
ʚlando norris x female leclerc!sister reader
ʚlooks like your brothers are going to be seeing a lot more of lando…but that doesn’t mean the 6 foot rule is up..
ʚnot requested but i just wanted to do a little something! you can read part one here! <3
yn.leclerc
liked by landonorris, arthur_leclerc, lilyhme and 213,000 others
surprise i chopped my hair off!!!! (pls don’t break up w me lando)
see 5,000 comments
username OMG THE SHORT HAIR?!
username no this is everything
charles_leclerc tres belle mon soleil 🩷
>yn.leclerc merci charlie 🥺🥺
username me waiting to see what lando says 👀
landonorris HELLO
>yn.leclerc hi baby🥰
landonorris WOW BABY WOW
landonorris you’re so beautiful 😭
>arthur_leclerc alright relax romeo, she’s been wooed enough
>leclercpascale arthur soyez gentille avec lando!
leclercpascale c’est si gentille ma belle!😘
>yn.leclerc merci maman!!❤️❤️
landonorris
liked by maxfewtrell, yn.leclerc, lorenzotl and 567,000 others
mini getaway with my girl, and yes i beat her playing chess
tagged yn.leclerc
see 17,000 comments
username she’s so beautiful :(
username i love their relationship
username i saw somewhere that lorenzo actually pushed them to be together👀👀👀
>yn.leclerc he did, he loves lando 🥰
>lorenzotl love is a strong word…
>yn.leclerc admit it pls☹️
>lorenzotl okay okay fine…he makes you happy so he’s family
username AWWW ENZO LOVES LANDO😭😭
liked by landonorris
yn.leclerc thank you for my little trip i loved it and i LOVE you(i beat you 4 times before you finally won)❤️❤️
>landonorris i love you more (don’t air that out..)😘
username i could sob my eyes out right now
leclercpascale oh j’aime les fleurs!! très magnifique!
>landonorris j'en ai pris pour vous maman leclerc! 😁
username LANDO BUYING MAMAN LECLERC FLOWERS😭
yn.leclerc
liked by alexandrasaintmleux, charles_leclerc, landonorris and 432,000 others
bored waiting for lando to come home, oh yeah i forgot to mention we finally settled into our new house🥰
tagged landonorris
see 20,000 comments
username SKIN CARE ROUTINE PLS
>yn.leclerc it’s on my youtube!! same with makeup🥰
username oh to be her!!!!
username aww her and lando live together now😭
charles_leclerc he needs to be 12 feet away from you at all times
>yn.leclerc char it was 6…..why double it?
>charles_leclerc because you live with him now🙄
landonorris i’m coming home in 5 with your favourite for dinner!❤️
>yn.leclerc and this is why i love and adore you baby😘
username 🥹🥹🥹
arthur_leclerc still not onboard with you moving out. come back now.
>yn.leclerc awww thur it’s okay to miss me…i miss you so much :(
>arthur_leclerc 😪❤️
charles_leclerc
liked by yn.leclerc, mclaren, pierregasly and 657,000 others
mon soleil is this your man?
tagged yn.leclerc, landonorris
see 31,000 comments
username CHARLES 😭😭
username there is no way he posted this
username only brothers would post this shit
mclaren that’s one of our papaya boys!😁🧡
liked by landonorris
yn.leclerc CHARLIE!!! CE N’EST PAS GENTIL!!! 😡
>yn.leclerc but yes, yes he’s mine 🥰🥰
username y/n to charles: 😡😤🤬😾 y/n to lando:🥰🩷🌸🫧
landonorris mate….
landonorris this is just how did you even get these
>charles_leclerc never telling🌝🌝
>username the moon emoji😭😭
arthur_leclerc
liked by carla.brocker, landonorris, yn.leclerc and 233,000 others
mon ange is this your man?
tagged yn.leclerc and lando norris
see 24,000 comments
username NOT ARTHUR TOO😭😭
username oh my fucking god
lorenzotl 🙄🙄🙄
>arthur_leclerc traitor.
yn.leclerc MAMAN!!! @:leclercpascale
>leclercpascale 🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️🤦🏼♀️
username even pascale is done😭😭
landonorris i’m not even going to attempt to form a sentence or thought
>yn.leclerc i’m sorry my love 🥺
>landonorris it’s okay baby, i have my own revenge planned someday 😏
username the leclerc and norris war is about to begin!!!
liked by landonorris
yn.leclerc
liked by mclaren, landonorris, lorenzotl and 435,000 others
my man my man my man (stay hating charles & arthur😚)
tagged landonorris
see 15,000 comments
username he looks so happy
username i love them together
username MY ROMAN EMPIRE
landonorris awww🥹
landonorris i love you forever and ever
>yn.leclerc and ever and ever!!
leclercpascale mes bébés ❤️❤️❤️
liked by yn.leclerc and landonorris
username okay but they’re so cute together
charles_leclerc 🙄🙄
>arthur_leclerc 🙄🙄
>maxfewtrell💀💀
username i feel like max finds this hilarious tbh
>maxfewtrell i do💀
landonorris
liked by maxfewtrell, yn.leclerc, leclercpascale and 632,000 others
the boys & the princess (aka our babysitter, love you baby)
tagged yn.leclerc and maxfewtrell
see 43,000 comments
username y/n looks SO over it😭
>yn.leclerc i promise i wasn’t, max and lando are just SO annoying when they drink together 😭
username HAHAHAHA y/n outing max and lando
maxfewtrell i’m not that bad…
>yn.leclerc BRO BE SO FOR REAL
charles_leclerc blink twice if you need help soleil
>yn.leclerc 😳😳
username please charles sends me everytime
username poor y/n
yn.leclerc you owe me.
>landonorris thank you baby, i know just the thing😉
username i can’t tell if that a suggestive wink or a normal one…
yn.leclerc
liked by landonorris, carla.brocker, arthur_leclerc and 657,000 others
life lately, lots of love, family and oh yeah…lando definitely made it up to me🥰💍
tagged, leclercpascale, charles_leclerc, arthur_leclerc and landonorris
see 68,000 comments
username OMG NO WAY😭
username these photos are so cute🥹
alexandrasaintmleux congratulations beautiful❤️
>yn.leclerc thank u lex!!! love you😚
username HOLY SHIT THEY’RE ENGAGED?!
carla.brocker AWW congrats!!!🥺
>yn.leclerc thank you sissy!!🩷🩷
leclercpascale felicitations a vous deux! ❤️❤️
liked by landonorris and yn.leclerc
charles_leclerc fine…i guess lando’s okay..congrats you two❤️
>yn.leclerc thank you charlie🥰
username THIS MADE MY DAY!
arthur_leclerc i guess welcome to the family….still 12 feet apart 😒🖤
>lorenzotl ^^^😁
>landonorris i’ll take it LOL
landonorris i love you forever and ever❤️
>yn.leclerc and ever and ever😘
#rueswrites#ruesanswers#ruesanons<3#ruesasks#lando norris smau#lando norris x you#lando norris x fem!reader#lando norris x female reader#lando norris x y/n#lando norris x reader#lando norris drabble#lando norris fluff#lando norris blurb#charles leclerc x reader#charles leclerc x sister!reader#arthur leclerc x reader#lorenzo leclerc x reader#lando norris fanfic#formula 1 masterlist#formula 1 blurb#formula 1 fanfic#formula 1 fanfiction#f1 instagram au#f1 drabble#f1 imagine#f1 fanfic#f1 fic
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There is evil, and then there is cursed emoji pillow
Sam's Shop where everything is in stock
part 2 - Sam and Divus
part 1
Warning: cursed emoji pillow crackfic
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It was a normal day in the Mystery Shop. Students came to buy 5 things and left carrying 15 instead.
All was well... until...
Sam's shadowy friends all pile in one of the storage rooms.
Weird.
They're usually out and about gathering intel for Sam. There is a disturbance happening.
Suspicion filled his thoughts and as the man turns around he comes face to face with a horrific plastic mask in the form of what he assumes to be a frog...
...what's going on here....?
"Hello, Sam!" the figure salutes cheerily.
"Hello... I can't say I remember meeting you before..." he tries to sound as casual as possible even though some rando just appeared into his shop in a puff of smoke and his friends don't seem too fond of their presence.
Ah, well... Sam's used to dealing with cursed customers. So what's one more curse being added to the mix?!
"Ah, no, we haven't met before." the stranger explains.
That's good. He didn't want to offend this... apparition by not remembering meeting them. That would've been bad for business.
"Then what can I help you with?!" Sam offers enthusiastically.
"I-" but the figure gets interrupted by a hand on their shoulder. They look behind them to see none other than Divus Crewel.
"And what do you think you're wearing?" he inquires, a frown evident on his features.
"My blob of darkness, mushroom hat and frog mask?" the stranger answers uncertainly. "If you don't like this, you're definitely going to hate the uniforms..." the mutter.
"Speak clearly." Crewel demands.
"Now, Divus, don't go scaring my... uh... customer." Sam interjects.
"There is no need to fight." the stranger tries "I have been sent by... you know what? That doesn't matter. I'm here as divine intervention." they declare.
Sam and Divus share a look. Both of them thinking 'Is this person mad?' But the stranger continues.
"I am here to help the students of the prestigious Night Raven Collage cooperate." they clarify.
"That cheeks out." Sam says.
"Good luck. You're going to need it to train these boys." Divus adds.
"Worry not for I have Him." and with that the figure produces the Almighty Cursed Emoji Pillow form behind them. "Fear not! for He is here!"
"Put that thing back where it came from or I'll burn it." Crewel demands.
"So this is why my friends acted like that, huh? The end is near after all... the cursed tarot cards were right all along." Sam adds.
And with that the figure disappears again.
"They better not come back." Divus warns to no one in particular.
"That pillow... it truly is evil." Sam explains.
-the very next day-
A blob of darkness manifests in the Mystery Shop yet again.
"Sam, I need all your empty cardboard boxes." they announce.
"You can have them as long as you don't bring that pillow here ever again." the shopkeeper says.
"Deal."
Let's just hope the NRC is ready to receive the blessings of the cursed emoji pillow.
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(if you want to be tagged, you need only ask, also please specify what characters you are interested in reading about or if you want to be tagged in all works)
taglist: @wildnya @bunnwich @sammo-writes-whatever @theonemarvelousness @kalu-luwa @b0nkers-papaya
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I posted 2,459 times in 2022
770 posts created (31%)
1,689 posts reblogged (69%)
Blogs I reblogged the most:
@autisticlalna
@betweenlands
@fluffy-papaya
@sequoiainthebox
@fearforthestorm
I tagged 2,459 of my posts in 2022
#yt - 1,914 posts
#txt - 1,040 posts
#art - 878 posts
#orig - 868 posts
#hermits - 851 posts
#misc - 552 posts
#dominioners - 445 posts
#ask - 342 posts
#pic - 207 posts
#not mc - 188 posts
Longest Tag: 140 characters
#hey remember like a year ago when there were minor dsmp issues with the egg arc and a friend of ours compared it to the start of yogs issues
My Top Posts in 2022:
#5
actually i’m bored and i want to invent a brand new ask game, so:
send me a flower emoji + a character name, and i’ll make up a fic about them that doesn’t exist and include a snippet from that nonexistent fic!
586 notes - Posted February 25, 2022
#4
and here’s the thing about cycles:
it’s not the first time you’ve been here. it’s not the first time you’ve put on this face for their sake. maybe this time, maybe this time. smile. straighten your jacket. there is no need to fret. they will escape. you will not allow them to escape. you will not allow them to stay,
and here’s the thing about cycles:
you are stuck in a box. they are stuck in a box. their box is larger, more spacious, more room to grow. your box is- smile. look at the camera. you know your box is falling apart. the walls are closing in on them (the walls are closing in on you),
and here’s the thing about cycles:
they’re all so, so stupid, you want to bang your head against the wall, they’re doing the same thing again and the sun is setting (the sun doesn’t set) and the maze will eat them alive (it isn’t hungry) (it’s always hungry). and you’re hungry,
and here’s the thing about cycles:
they’re free! they’re finally free! but they didn’t do it right, they never fucking do it right, they’re all idiots and fools and they never fucking do it right,
and here’s the thing about cycles:
they repeat.
639 notes - Posted February 11, 2022
#3
illagers are the best thing ever to happen to minecraft lore actually
691 notes - Posted March 31, 2022
#2
underrated hermit duo dynamic is “they’re going to scam you but not in a typical way in a sort of strange esoteric way. you’re just talking to them. it feels like a scam though”
835 notes - Posted April 5, 2022
My #1 post of 2022
we talked at @sequoiainthebox for like several hours last night and came to a conclusion regarding This Post -- it’s not xb’s fault. the Hypno Laundry Radius is a known phenomenon.
have you ever known someone who was happy and willing to do the dishes, and really good at it, but they only seem to do them either at 11pm at night or while you’re in the middle of taking a shower or while you’re having lunch? the Hypno Laundry Radius is a similar issue.
here’s the thing: hypno’s good at laundry! like, genuinely very skilled at it. he can get pretty much any stains out without damaging the fabric, if your coat or shirt has fiddly bits on it or needs a specific wash cycle or even needs to be dry-cleaned he’ll figure out a way to get it clean with zero issues.
here’s also the thing: he will do laundry for the people around him. if you have a separate laundry pile and you are within the Hypno Laundry Radius when he decides it’s laundry day, your clothes are going in the washing machine with everyone else’s.
a side-effect of the Hypno Laundry Radius, however, is hypno either doesn’t know or just doesn’t pay attention to whose clothes are whose, so for the first couple days after he does laundry, you’ll still have the same amount of jackets, (paired socks, shirts, pants, et cetera) that you gave him, and they’ll probably even be in your size, but they will not necessarily be your clothes.
jevin’s used to this and will usually catch hypno before his hoodies get swapped with someone else. xb doesn’t care and will just wear whatever he gets back from the Laundry Radius, even if it’s the wrong pants. wels thinks he’s immune to the Laundry Radius and then will end up with pearl’s hoodie instead of the usual tunic shirt he wears under his armor.
and as for hypno himself? for the first couple days after he does laundry, he will be wearing whatever fits him unless you ask him for it back. doc’s labcoat. the Joe Astley shirt. sometimes his bandanas get mixed up with other square things in the wash and he’ll be wearing keralis’s hat or cleo’s sports headband until he gets his stuff back.
this season the Hypno Laundry Radius is operating at peak chaos due to how many people there are in the same area. hermits have tried hiding their laundry so they can do separate loads, but really, it’s no use. when hypno decides it’s laundry day, your outfits are going to eeby deeby.
1,145 notes - Posted April 6, 2022
Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →
#tumblr2022#year in review#my 2022 tumblr year in review#your tumblr year in review#oh god that dsmp tag aged like. wine into vinegar#which is to say well if that had been what i was going for#but i wasn't. so it aged badly#txt#orig#misc#yt
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Oral Sex: Everything You Need to Know
First and foremost
Even if it's your first dive, rest confident that you'll be alright – everyone starts somewhere!
But we want to make sure you're fine because life's too short for mediocre oral hygiene.
After all, if you're going down, you might as well do it right.
Here's all you need to know about delivering and receiving oral sex, as well as all the fun and even practical stuff in between.
Let us correct the record.
Before we go into the nitty gritty, let's speak about the nitty gritty.
Oral sex is "genuine" sex.
Forget what Clinton or anyone else told you about what sex is and isn't. Penis-in-vagina sex is not the be-all and end-all of sexual encounters. Oral sex can be equally as pleasant as penetrative sex, if not more so.
Your anatomy is distinct.
Vulvas and penises exist in all forms and sizes, so don't be concerned about how yours compares to someone else's.
Penises aren't normally the size of an eggplant emoji or as silky as a perfectly delicious peach.
Everyone has some sort of odor. Scrub all you want, but you'll still have some odor down there. It's called your natural odor, and it's perfectly normal.
However, getting ready for oral sex is just a wonderful thing to do.
To keep things interesting:
Take a shower or bath, or at the very least, cleanse your genital area with soap and water.
If you need to freshen up quickly, use a moist paper towel or unscented wipes.
Perfumes and deodorants should be avoided because they are neither genital-friendly nor required.
And everyone has an opinion.
Whose genital juice tastes like cookies and cream? No ones! We've all had a taste down there.
You should taste alright as long as you're healthy and keep up with your cleanliness.
If you're still concerned about weird spunk, changing your diet may enhance the taste of your juice.
Avoid garlic, onions, asparagus, and cabbage, which are said to provide an unpleasant flavor.
To sweeten your sauce, consider eating:
pineapple \papaya \snutmeg \cinnamon \scelery
If you are looking for motivation to enhance your sexual drive.
Kindly visit https://porno19.com/ a Vietnam porn website about oral sex movies
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Can't sleep so I'm doing a photo study...here's a wip so far 🥭
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[pretend this is a coffee emoji, i'm on my computer] mclaren
Happy papaya team that makes my heart go soft
Like, they have that funny and convivial atmosphere despite the strong competition, and there seems to be such a good mood with everyone working there from what we have seen in their videos. It can concern either the drivers (Carlos and Lando, I don’t think I need to develop, and now Dan, with funny and light hearted challenges and videos), or with the workers back at the factory where they seem to have fun during their work
They might not have the best car (even if we’re getting back there eheh), but they surely have the best work climate and I love it for them 💙
send me ☕️ + [topic] and i’ll tell you my opinion on it!
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Chapter 10 - Come Sunday
I was sat at the counter later that night as Victor cleaned up the kitchen from making dinner. Harry--who was stood on the other side of the open concept living room strumming a guitar--seemed to finally understand the need to keep a safe distance from each other.
Alex was to my right, scrolling on his phone as he pushed around pieces of rice with his fork. I took one last bite of the papaya glazed chicken on my plate and downed the last sip of my piña colada on the rocks--Victor was truly a Godsend--when my phone rang.
The screen immediately reflected the ceiling above, letting me know that a facetime call was coming through. Kyle’s name, and the obnoxious eggplant emoji he’d chosen to accompany it, started to scroll by. I slid the button at the bottom to answer it, immediately grinning at the image on the screen.
Charlie was looking into the phone, Kyle behind him, both of them at a ridiculously unflattering angle. I let out a laugh in greeting. “Glad it’s just me you’re calling--this angle makes you both look a little...plump.”
“Ha ha,” Kyle rolled his eyes, picking up the phone to hold it at a more appropriate level. He used a hand to reach for Charlie, pulling him onto his lap on his couch back in London. It was late there--dark outside the window behind him and likely much colder than the current warm breeze that floated in from the open slider. “Nice to see you, too.”
Harry, in the time it took Kyle to adjust and get Charlie resituated on his lap, had made his way over to me, eagerly smiling into the camera behind me like an idiot. He liked Kyle, of course, but I knew very well he was just trying to get a glimpse of his favorite feline friend.
“How is he doing?” Harry cooed into the camera, shoving his face over my shoulder--leaving only a few inches between us, as he let a grin take over. “He looks good, is he eating well?”
“Margaret did you forget to tell me that Harry has signed adoption papers or something?” Kyle teased, pulling his head back in amusement as I shoved Harry away from me with an elbow.
“He’s just clingy,” I dismissed. “But--is he eating well?”
“Jesus, the both of you,” another eye roll. “He’s eating just fine. He’s been excited to see us when we come home from work and extremely excited for cuddles at bedtime. Figured we’d give a call to say hello.”
“Well it’s very much appreciated,” I smiled, watching as Charlie maneuvered his head to keep Kyle’s hand moving in a calming pattern. I could hear clamor behind Kyle, likely somewhere in the bathroom or kitchen. “How’s Mark? How’d wedding planning?”
He let out a sigh, running his free hand through his quiff of brown hair. “He’s fine, it’s fine. Just--trying to pick a venue,” he raised his voice, clearly hoping Mark would overhear his conversation. He turned back to me with a smile. “The real question, however, is how’s Jamaica? How is the sun in your hair and the sand in your titties?”
“Okay, alright, a lot of people in the room,” I said to Kyle, taking a quick scan to determine who’d heard his comment. Based on the smile on Jeffrey and Alex’s faces, it seemed like it was just them. Tyler, Jeff, Mitch--the guitarist who’d be playing on the album, Ryan, Teddy, and Matt, had all seemed to meander outside, a few of them were seated in the recliners that were dispersed over the slate patio.
I figured we’d have a few drinks, write a bit more, enjoy the nice weather outside. Suddenly, I felt a little homesick for London and a bit more out of place. I thought I’d made my peace with being the only woman in the house, the only one who needed to figure out what type of Jamaican tampons would best suit me, the only one to have titties to get sand in.
But with the once mixed drink I’d already had, a wave of sadness washed over me. How long was I supposed to pretend that I belonged here? These people--these writers and producers and musicians--all had been vetted and hand-picked by Jeffrey and the rest of Harry’s management. I, however, was handpicked by Harry--likely due to his need to get laid and his inability to think with his brain as soon as it became clear that maybe he’d get some from me.
But I knew that something about that didn’t feel right either. Whether or not I knew Harry as well as Niall or Liam did, I knew he wasn’t just keeping me around for that. I mean, afterall, we’d only had sex twice.
But was I ruining it? Was I ruining a chance of him seeing me as a real writer and someone with real talent if I slept with him at his beck and call?
Kyle’s voice pulled me out of my thoughts. “Where is good old Harold? Let me talk with him,” he said.
At the sound of his own name, Harry’s eyebrows jumped in excitement as he made his way back over to me. I handed him the phone before bringing my drink over towards the fridge to try to recreate whatever Victor had poured in it before.
**
By 9pm when the sun was down and the music had officially been turned on, I was sat at the edge of the pool with Tyler and Mitch on either side of me. It was nice to get to know both of them, nice to hear their stories, hear where they were from, and it was especially nice to hear that we’d added another American (Mitch) to the team.
I wasn’t exactly keeping track of how much everyone was drinking, but it became clear as the stars became brighter that everyone else was a little bit ahead of me. Maybe it was the fact that I didn’t have my dirty shirley’s, or maybe it was the fact that my overthinking didn’t quite lend itself to a drunken night.
“Alright, then, what’s on your Jamaica bucket list?” Teddy asked Matt and Harry. They sat a ways away from us, Teddy’s back to me as he ran a hand through his hair.
I figured keeping my distance would be smart--I worried that my closeness with Harry would come off as unprofessional. I worried that if anyone found out that we’d slept together, I’d never get hired again in the business. Call me catastrophic, but the jump from A to Z didn’t seem too difficult. Would Jeffrey fire me if he knew? Did he have that power?
“Ziplining would be wicked,” Harry shrugged, waiting for Teddy to chime in. Mitch seemed to quiet down to hear their conversation, Alex did the same. I kept my eyes on the small waves in the pool, wondering how on earth I’d gone from an awkward rendezvous in the hallway to having sex with Harry in a master suite in Jamaica. Jeff Bhasker--who was waist deep in the water--had shared that he was definitely in the mood for an evening swim.
“What about like a pub crawl?” Teddy suggested, looking from Harry and then back to Matt.
“I’m always up for that,” Alex chimed in, leaned back to see past me.
“We might get a ridiculously drunk former popstar on our hands,” Ryan called from his spot in the pool. He leaned against the edge, watching between the two groups as the conversation seemed to become an entire, house-wide topic.
“I can handle myself just fine,” Harry held up a hand in defense, his nose scrunched in amusement.
“I’m sure you’ll have plenty of girls trying to get with you if we go into Kingston or Montego,” Tyler let out a laugh, his words seemingly innocent and comical.
My stomach, though, did not find them either innocent or comical. Instead, a knot the size of the fancy shower head in my bathroom suddenly felt cemented in my gut--a steady reminder that the deeper I got in this whole thing, the more I had to lose.
Harry’s eyes seemed to look everywhere but mine. “I’m definitely trying to keep a low profile, so that’s--not going to happen.”
I didn’t know if he was saying that because of me or saying it because of my presence. Either way felt uncomfortable and made me feel stupid. I waited for someone else to speak and stood from my spot and headed for the doors inside. Luckily, Tyler and Alex seemed to say something else about a rowdy night out, keeping others entertained while I slipped back into the house.
I let the sliding door shut behind me, their voices and music now muffled. The air inside was cooler--the air conditioning had kicked back on and the lights were all off. I wondered, for a second, what would happen if I packed my bags and called for a car to the airport.
I didn’t have a chance to really think it all through before the sliding door opened behind me.
“Oh, hey,” Jeffrey said, his smile soft and concerned behind me. I turned to face him, the light from the patio seeping in to light our silhouettes.
“Hi, sorry, I was just--thinking.”
“Y’okay?” He moved towards the kitchen, his eyes narrowed at me as he reached for a bag of chips on the counter. I was thankful that he’d come inside for a snack, not because he picked up on my nervousness or embarrassment.
“Fine, yeah, I was just gonna use the bathroom.”
He nodded, reaching a hand in and placing a few chips in his mouth. “Big day tomorrow, you ready?”
He was referring to the fact that we were set to spend all day in the studio. We’d decided that getting ourselves up and out of the house in the morning might lead to more productivity--Harry had decided that he wanted to really get comfortable with the space and the instruments we’d have access to down the road.
“Pumped,” I told him. And I was--I was excited to be writing again and be working with people who were extremely talented. The only catch was that one of them--the one who was technically my boss--was also the guy I was sleeping with.
**
I was stood behind Harry at a small deli in town as he ordered some sort of intricate sandwich. The morning rain had made way for a sunny day--and when he suggested we leave the rest of the group behind on our lunch break, I was hesitant at first.
I’d dipped outside of the studio to check my phone. Not only did I need a minute in the sun, but I also could stand a minute of silence before heading back inside. The studio was our dark and carpeted sanctuary for the day, and Jeffrey and the others had ordered Italian take out.
It’d been a week since we’d arrived. A week of writing and swimming and exploring the town that was now somewhat of a home base. We’d written about 7 different songs. Each of which had a melodic reminder that I was digging myself a ditch.
When Harry found me on the deck, he’d said he was in the mood for a sandwich.
I reluctantly got in the car, feeling like every word we said to each other was somehow cementing my fate. I couldn’t tell if anyone suspected anything so far--no one had brought it up, no one had mentioned that we seemed to spend a fair amount of time together and be awfully close.
I hoped, with everything in me, that they believed him when Harry introduced me as his good friend Maggie.
“And whatever she wants, too,” he spoke to the man behind the counter.
“I can get lunch,” I told him, reaching for my wallet in the bag on my shoulder. “Can I do a chicken caesar wrap, please?”
Harry kept his eyes on me, and when I sidestepped him to pay at the register, I narrowed my eyes. “What?”
He shrugged his shoulders quickly but didn’t abandon the smirk on his face. “You’re just funny.”
“Why’s that?” I asked, my eyebrows raised in amusement as I handed a woman my card.
“The money stuff,” he said quietly. “I don’t mind--if I did, I’d tell you.”
I didn’t know if I believed him--I didn’t know if he would tell me. I thanked the woman for my receipt and stood beside him as we waited for our sandwiches. “I can buy you a sandwich. It won’t break the bank.”
He let out a quick laugh at that, slinking an arm over my shoulders. He pulled me closer to him, the warmth of his body felt comforting against mine. He leaned down, pressed a kiss to the top of my head, and then pulled his phone out his pocket.
I stood, frozen for a second. It was a small gesture, one that could never have happened in London, or likely anywhere else on the planet. He let his arm rest there, dangling over my shoulder.
Eventually, the man behind the counter turned around to offer our food. He looked down at the two wrapped sandwiches in his hands, offering one forward first. “For you,” he held it out to Harry, and then held the other out. “For your girlfriend.”
Harry immediately looked down at me with an obnoxiously silly smile, his eyebrows raised in delight. “For my girlfriend,” he repeated, both dimples present on his cheeks. I took the sandwich he handed forward to me and turned to head for the door, doing my best to fight the smile on my own face.
We found a table outside and sat, the smirk still on Harry’s face as bit into his lunch with sunglasses perched atop his nose.
“Knock it off,” I said, keeping my lips in as close to a straight line as possible.
“Knock what off?” He asked, looking up to meet my eyes, his lips still curled up into a tight smile. “I can’t control that everyone else sees what you don’t.”
I let out a sigh at that--partially because I didn’t know what to say, but mostly because he hadn’t been that straightforward with me about it.
“I don’t see why you’re so afraid of this,” he shrugged his shoulders, again, leaving me a bit speechless at his honesty and bluntness. He chewed and watched me, apparently more than comfortable with the conversation at hand.
What was I supposed to say? Sitting on a rickety old porch of a sandwich shop in Port Antonio didn’t leave me feeling equipped for this conversation. Being thousands of miles from home and thousands of miles from stability made me wonder what he wanted to hear.
“I don’t see why you’re so not afraid of this,” I murmured, instantly regretting the words that left my mouth. Natural, Maggie. Articulate, Maggie. I rolled my eyes at myself as he took another bite.
He spoke around the food in his mouth. “You have feelings for me, yeah?”
He asked the question but kept his eyes on his sandwich as he repositioned the roll and his hold on it. I nodded, which made him look up at me. I didn’t speak, I was kind of just waiting to see where he was going for this.
“Okay, and I’ve got feelings for you.”
“That doesn’t make it a good idea. That doesn’t mean that we can just ride off into the sunset and live happily ever after. This isn’t some movie or stupid love story.” I was getting angry now, my appetite suddenly gone for the wrap in front of me. Harry, who seemed rather unperturbed by my sudden shift in mood, took another bite of his sandwich.
“M’not saying that,” his words were muffled until he swallowed. “But I am saying that I think we should stop pretending this isn’t a thing.”
I watched him for a second. His calmness was equal parts annoying and reassuring, but I couldn’t decide which felt more accurate. I stared at him--watching as he took another bite and chewed. He stared at me--waiting for some sort of response.
“And what do you suppose we about the fact that there are a bunch of other people here?”
He looked up at me, shrugged his shoulders, and then shifted in his seat. “Dunno. M’not saying we have to tell everyone--I’m just tired of having to pretend that this isn’t happening. Just--I dunno--be my girlfriend.”
“Be your girlfriend?” I asked, pulling my head back from him in a mix of shock and doubt. I didn’t necessarily doubt that he had feelings for me, but I couldn’t wrap my head around the idea of being his girlfriend.
He nodded simply, his eyes only leaving my face when another car pulled into the parking lot.
He was being naive--he was acting as if this weren’t as big of a deal as it was. Sure--it might feel like nothing to agree to be his girlfriend on the deck of some sandwich shop in Jamaica, but when we went back to London, everything would be different.
Aside from the fact that he was paying for everything on this trip, we were on a pretty level playing field in the present moment. Here he could come to the grocery store, walk down the street and even come out to lunch.
In London, things just weren’t that simple. This album held meaning. It meant he was committing to at least three months on tour. At least two continents, probably a month of promo. This album simultaneously gave us time to figure out whatever was going on between us, but it also set us up for an undeniable shift in the near future.
“I can’t be your girlfriend,” I said quietly, trying to mask the disappointment in my voice.
“Why’s that?”
I rolled my eyes at him a little--the way he spoke so casually about it made it seem like I was being difficult. I preferred to see it as realistic.
“You’re going to have to tour this album, and you’ll be busy, and I’ll be stuck in London.”
He took another bite, his eyes lazily flashing to the wrap in front of me that was sufficiently uneaten. Maybe he disagreed, but he didn’t say so. Instead, we were interrupted by his ringing phone--another reminder that we lived two different worlds. People always wanted something from him. People wanted to know where he was, what he was doing. I didn’t know if I could quite keep up.
He clicked his phone to silence the ring and flipped it over on the table.
“You can get that,” I said flatly, bringing my eyes out to the ocean that was likely only a mile down the road.
He shrugged and waved a hand to dismiss it. “S’just Mitch. We’ll be back there in fifteen. It can wait.”
I was quiet for a second, I kept my eyes on the trees and the scenery around us, the air much fresher than it was in London. I appreciated what he was saying, I was flattered and pleased and probably even somewhat flustered over the fact that Harry was requesting a label on our relationship.
“You don’t have to commit to anything,” he said, his voice now quiet and his eyes avoiding mine. His hair was up in a bun--a few loose strands blew in the wind against his forehead.
It wasn’t that I didn’t want to be his girlfriend. In a perfect world I wouldn’t question it--I wouldn’t feel insecure and I wouldn’t always feel so hung up on the fact that he was basically my boss. It a perfect world we would have met in a bar instead of at a bus stop and he’d just be Harry--not the one with the long hair who cost me my job.
I turned to look at him now--his eyes were on mine and he offered me a sheepish smile.
“We just--” I paused, almost surprised that the words were about to come out of my mouth. He raised his eyebrows in an effort to get more words out of me. “We can’t tell anyone.”
His lips pulled up into a smile. “It’ll be between you, me, and the guy who made our sandwiches.” I rolled my eyes playfully at him, but he reached over and poked at my wrap. “Eat up,” he said. “I didn’t pay one thousand Jamaican dollars for you to throw that out.”
**
I was laid in bed that night, my hair up in a bun and the door shut to block the noise from downstairs. We’d spent most of the afternoon writing--after four new songs and a sunburn from being by the pool, I’d decided that I was going to turn in early.
Apparently, everyone else had a different idea. I could hear the laughter and the voices travel up the stairs and drift down the hall, lighting a tiny flame of loneliness in my stomach. I didn’t really want to be down there with them--in fact, I think they were all just hanging out in the living room.
The weather had taken a turn around dinner and it seemed to be a colder night than usual, but it didn’t stop me from feeling like I should be social, make a name for myself, impress my co-writers and not let them know that I was secretly shagging the boss.
I tried to focus on the movie in front of me--I was 45 minutes in to The Time Traveler’s Wife when there when the noise volume finally lessened. Another ten minutes passed before there was a knock on my door.
I figured it was Jeff or Mitch, coming to see if I wanted a drink or if I wanted to go out wherever they were likely headed. We’d been doing that a lot--even if we just brought bottles of rum to the beach and stared up at the stars.
Instead, though, I found Harry, a big grin on his face and a good 90% of his hair missing. “What did you do?!” I reached a hand forward to touch it--the strands that once skimmed his shoulders and collarbones were gone. Instead, it was pushed to the side, styled, almost, and the smile from his face faded quickly.
“You don’t like it?”
I let out a laugh, shaking my head. “It looks great, I just have never seen you with such...little hair.”
He smiled at this, tilting his head to the side, leaning in to press a kiss to my lips. I kissed him for a second, but eventually let my hands reach up to put distance between us. “Who cut your hair?”
“Someone Jeffrey’s friend knows. He just left. Is it too short?” He pushed past me and walked into the bathroom that was attached to my room. He slipped the light switch on and stared at himself in the mirror. He looked side to side, analyzing his new look.
“It looks--” I paused, searching for the words. He looked older, less boyband and more solo. He looked cleaner and more attractive and I felt my eyebrows raising as he stared at me in the mirror.
“It looks what?” He turned around, leaning against the counter as he crossed his arms.
“It looks fine,” I said simply.
His typical obnoxious smirk found its way onto his face, as he wiggled his brow in a suggestive manner. “You think it’s quite attractive, don’t you?”
I shrugged my shoulders, trying desperately to keep my cool. I wasn’t about to tell him that he looked straight out of a GQ cover shoot--it would clearly just go to his head. “Yeah, you look good.”
He let out an amused laugh, reaching to grab my hand and pull me into him. “You’re quite difficult,” he said, his voice low and in my ear. “But I find it quite entertaining.”
There were steps on the stairs in the hallway, I pulled away quickly, just in time for Ryan to stick his head in the doorway to my room. “What are you guys doing?”
I took a step away from Harry and back into my bedroom. “He just wanted to see if it got the approval of a woman. And it did.”
Ryan smiled a bit and watched as Harry turned around to ruffle his own hair again in the mirror. “What are you up to, all alone, anyway? Are you okay?”
“Oh yeah,” I said casually. “Just was watching a chick flick.”
“I love a good romantic comedy,” Harry said with wide eyes and another smirk.
“You can all go back downstairs,” I laughed a little. “Have your bro time and crush beers or whatever you all do.”
Ryan let out a laugh but Harry pulled his head back in feigned disgust. “Is that what you think we do? Crush beers?”
I shrugged, just trying to get Harry to stop drawing attention to the two of us.
“Jeffrey and I are known to enjoy a good rom com here and there. Haven’t you read Cosmo? The Notebook is one of my favorite films.”
I let out a scoff, Ryan seemed entertained by our dynamic. “I did not know that,” I admitted.
He walked past me towards Ryan, waving over his shoulder. “Bring it downstairs, we can all watch.”
I stood frozen in my bedroom, watching as he wedged past Ryan in the doorway. “What? No. We’re not all going to watch a dumb movie, it’s not even that good.”
Harry turned around quickly and looked utterly unimpressed. “Trust me, it’s one of Jeffrey’s favorites.”
**
“Shut up,” I hissed at him two hours later, his face barely visible in the dark. He grabbed at my waist, causing a high pitched squeak to come out of my mouth--I didn’t even know my vocal cords could make that noise.
He laughed, trying his best to keep his voice down, as we walked down the hallway. He spent our entire trip up the staircase trying to convince me to come to bed with him--and while it sounded delightful, there were four other people in the house who had to come upstairs, down the hall, and go to sleep with zero knowledge that Harry and I were spending the night under the same sheets.
I opened the door to his bedroom, and as soon as it was shut behind us, he brought his hands to my face and pressed his lips hard against mine.
I giggled against his mouth, the warmth of his skin against mine helped push the impending thoughts of doom out of my head. In these moments, his tour, his album, the rest of our lives waiting in London didn’t matter. It was just me and him and the sound of the jungle outside the house.
He walked me over to the bed, and when we were close enough, I let myself flop back onto it. He laughed at this, rolling his eyes at how dramatic I was as I let out a quiet sigh. He crawled up to me, but then instead of bringing his lips back to mine, he laid on his stomach and rested his head on his arms.
“It’s so short,” I reached out to touch his hair again, he made a pleased sound when my hand made contact with his head.
“Hey Maggie,” he said, his voice still low and his eyes more droopy than before.
“Yeah?”
“I just wanted to let you know that I’m falling in love with you.”
**
“Did that sound shitty?” His voice carried through the microphone and into the room.
He was behind the glass in the dark booth, his eyes waiting for a response from Ryan. “No,” he reassured him. “It was fine.”
“Actually?”
“Actually,” Ryan confirmed. “But let’s do it again.”
Mitch and I both let out a laugh, more than amused by how picky both Harry and Ryan had been throughout the entire morning.
We’d decided to record three or four songs today--ones that we all really liked and felt were sure to be on the album, that is, unless we wrote better songs that took precedence.
I had my feet up on the coffee table, a water bottle in my hands that Jeff Bhasker wanted to use as a percussion instrument on the previous track. Mitch, whose head was back against the couch with his eyes closed, seemed to hum along as Harry sang.
I didn’t feel as awkward as I thought I would. In fact, in the ten days that had passed since Harry had told me he was falling in love with me, I almost felt more at ease with the rest of the group.
We’d spend our mornings having breakfast, we’d head to the studio, do some work, and then come home for lunch. We’d go back and do it again, sometimes ordering take out and working until 1am.
Other days we’d come home in the afternoon and swim, we’d go to the beach, we’d write songs around the long dining table. It was a constant flow of creative energy. Even if we weren’t writing, we were thinking. We were bouncing lyrics and concepts back and forth. We’d hum and sing melodies that we’d come up with and we’d edit old songs that we thought needed work.
After three weeks of being here, I finally settled in.
“Okay that one definitely sounded like rubbish,” Harry laughed into the mic, making eye contact with me as he ran a hand through his hair. He gave me a toothy grin, waited for Ryan to set him back up where he’d punch in, and then sang the line again.
I stood--I realized what it was that they didn’t like. When Ryan paused him again, Jeff looked up at me in expectation.
“I think the problem with the verse is that the melody is too repetitive,” I looked at Harry behind the glass window. “If you go up in pitch in the middle I think it’d be more...catchy.”
“What do you hear?” Jeff asked, his hands clasped over his lap.
“I can’t touch what I see,” I sang the line back to them and waited. Harry, who looked thoughtful, nodded at Jeff.
“I think that sounds better,” he said.
“Me too,” Jeff agreed. “Do it again,” he pointed at Ryan, who queued Harry up at the same exact punch.
Harry sang the line, looked to Jeff expectantly, and then to me. “We’ve got to start from the top and re do it. That’s the way it should sound.”
Jeff smiled a bit, then turned to Ryan. “You heard him.”
**
I wasn’t quite sure what time it was, but almost everyone was inside. It’d been a long week of recording, recording more, and writing. It was finally Friday, meaning we had about two weeks left in Jamaica before we were set to head our separate ways. With 12 songs recorded, Harry was starting to get antsy about making the final decisions on what would stay and what would go.
The fix, for that, we all decided, was an excessive amount of alcohol after Victor had cooked a delicious lobster dinner. We weren’t all quite inebriated yet, but when the rain started to pour down outside and we were cooped up in the living room, the drinking continued, the music got louder, and Harry started dancing in the center of the room in a Hawaiian shirt. That’s when I knew it was going to be a long night.
I decided, though, at half past midnight, to FaceTime Kyle. He was traveling in the states with Mark--they claimed to need a pre-honeymoon to deal with all of the stress of wedding planning. It rang twice before he answered.
It was dark and loud and I could barely hear him, but when he stepped outside of whatever bar they inhabited in New York City, his face became much clearer.
“Long time no chat,” he smiled into the phone, Mark waved from behind him as he lit a cigarette.
“I’m busy--you know, working,” I laughed, motioning around the room behind me--which was nearly as rowdy as a Greenwich Village nightclub.
Harry, at the sound of Kyle’s voice, was making his way towards me with a big smile and an eagerness to talk to our friend.
He was sitting down beside me on the couch when Kyle replied. “Thank God that you stuck it out even though you didn’t even want to be his friend. It has obviously paid off financially!” He let out a giggle, completely ignorant to the weight that his words held and the ears they fell on.
Harry pulled his head back and I could see him try to process Kyle’s words despite the liquor in his veins. I could feel my own world slow down as I realized what Harry had just heard.
“Kyle,” I said slowly, my heart rate climbing--Harry tensed beside me. I looked at Kyle through the screen, back to Harry, and then back to my phone again.
Harry stood, his fists clenched beside him as he made a beeline for the sliding door to the patio. I was frozen for a second, unsure of if this were real and how to respond. The music in the room seemed obnoxiously loud, the laughing was distracting, and I suddenly wished that the alcohol that I’d already consumed would clear itself from my brain.
I looked back to Harry as his hand made contact with the door.
“Fuck Kyle,” I said, emotion raw in my voice as I hung up quickly and tried to weave between Mitch and Teddy. The front door slammed behind him, causing Jeffrey and Tyler to look in my direction as I made my way for the foyer.
I was outside and into the rain behind him--he was ten steps ahead of me, walking around the corner of the house.
“Harry hold on!” I called out, the adrenaline pushed me into the rain, the water was cool on my feet as I picked up my pace through the wet grass.
He didn’t turn around--instead, he trudged up the hill towards the front of the house.Sure, maybe I hadn’t initially wanted to be friends with someone who was rich and famous and undeniably out of my league. Maybe I didn’t want to be friends with the guy who cost me my job and seemed to know exactly how to irk me before he even knew my name. Maybe it was the alcohol in my system, but maybe it was the fact that I suddenly felt extremely vulnerable. Instead of trying to apologize, I criticized him.
“This is so dramatic,” I called after him, watching his figure storm into the night. “Really? Running away into the rain?” I yelled louder this time, my voice carrying through the little piece of jungle that had become somewhat of a private paradise.
“Oh fuck off, Maggie,” he yelled over his shoulder--his voice much angier than I’d expected. He stopped short in the driveway, turning to face me suddenly. His eyebrows were drawn together in anger, his lips in a thin line that made me question the entirety of our relationship. “Don’t tell me m’being dramatic when you’re the one who’s been lying.”
“I haven’t been lying!” I defended, letting my hands slap against my legs in defiance. He’d barely given me a chance to speak before running out of the room--I figured he at least owed me a minute to explain myself.
“No? You haven’t been? Then why is it that Kyle’s under the impression that you’re here just for the money? Just for the work? That’s all this has ever been?”
“No,” I said through clenched teeth, but he didn’t even pause for a breath.
“You’re only friends with me--doing whatever this is--because you were so terrified of what you’d be without a job?”
“No!” I said again, this time the emotion more raw in my voice. I could feel the tears pooling in my eyes, but I was thankful for the fact that the rain would mask whatever spilled over and onto my cheeks. He faltered a bit when he heard my voice crack--the anger seemed to dissipate in the slightest for just a second, and then he frowned again.
“I thought this was different, Maggie,” he sounded almost defeated now--the rain was soaking into his short hair, the droplets felt warm on my skin as then soaked through the t-shirt I wore. He shook his head quickly, rolling his eyes. “For fuck’s sake!” He yelled, his voice carrying over the trees and echoing against the garage doors behind us. “I sound so fucking stupid,” he said. “I can’t fucking believe I fell for this.”
“You didn’t fall for anything, Harry!” I tried to take a step towards him, but instead of looking at me, he kept his gaze above my head. He stared off into the night--a light in the driveway illuminated the asphalt on which we stood. This was the type of scene we’d written about so many times.
This type of dramatic, emotion-fueled climax was the shit that songwriters ate for breakfast. We lived for it, really. We lived for the imagery of tears mixing with rain, the feeling of a heart so broken you wonder if it’s jumped right out of your chest and now lies beating on the ground.
I was quiet now--mostly because I didn’t know what to say, but also because he wouldn’t look at me.
He was shaking his head. It wasn’t pronounced, it wasn’t obnoxious, it was just a slight and steady head shake that made my head throb a little harder. My entire face was wet--I was sure that most of it was tears, but the passing storm still seemed to mask my emotions as I reached a hand out to touch him.
I reached for a button on the front of his shirt--mid way up, it was right next to a printed leaf that now looked like darker green, thanks to the rain.
He looked down at my hand--at the contact between us--and then stepped back.
“You just need to hear me out,” I said quietly, my voice barely loud enough over the sound of the rain on the concrete beneath us. “Please,” I panted.
His eyes, still lingering on the spot where my fingers met his shirt, avoided my face at all cost. “No, Maggie, I don’t.”
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On those occasions when “I’m Sorry” won’t cut it, let an Edible Arrangement show your deep and unending regret!
I Cant-aloupe With You
When you can’t break off the engagement yourself, this arrangement can do it for you. A cluster of mouth-watering cantaloupe and honeydew slices arranged in a sad-face emoji will inform your former fiancé, “Honey-don’t call me, it’s over.” For an additional $20, we will return your engagement ring inside a melon as hollowed-out as your love.
Don’t Cry-a Papaya
Show your cousin how you should’ve held her baby! Unlike her daughter, this arrangement is totally drop-proof. Each luscious papaya is artfully supported by twin banana hands placed at the base and the neck, protecting a selection of tropical fruits cradled tenderly and safely inside. Just the way you’ll carry her child in the future if she ever lets you hold little Jessica again.
We Can Fix The Prob-Lemonade
This adorable kit supplies your roommate with everything they need to turn tart Meyer lemons into lemonade! Includes time-sensitive delivery to arrive immediately after you break the news that you can’t pay the back the rent you owe. And you’ve been sleeping with her boyfriend. And now, you both have HPV!
Name, Birth-Date and Social Security Plum-ber
Own up to your negligence of a loved one’s passport and/or government identification with this global assortment of Israeli dates, Turkish figs, Canadian plums, and all-American apples. Finally, a classy way to apologize for exposing your wife to international identity theft.
Fig-getabbout it!
Did you call out the wrong name during sex? Or call out the right name, but the wrong way? Or did you scream “Jumanji motherfucker!” at climax one too many times? Nothing says, “Can we move past this bedroom mishap?” like a sensual bouquet of fresh figs arranged to form the letters of your beloved’s name. See, you DO know their name. You even spelt it correctly. See?
Ba-Nana’s Gone 🙁
This banana-centric bouquet is sure to say “I’m sorry I composted your nana’s ashes” once your friend has stopped taking your calls. After all, it’s not your fault. That urn looked like a nice vase and was the perfect size to store your home-brewed kombucha. Offer comfort and a sincere understanding of what you’ve done by upgrading this sensational arrangement with pineapple whoopsie-daisies and a garnish of atone-mint.
Nuclear Fruit Fusion
You asked for an arrangement to apologize to the whole family and boy, did we deliver! Inspired by Chernobyl, this spectacular 3-foot medley of fruits and berries is sculpted to appear as a mushroom cloud, exemplifying your toxic personality and the toll it’s taken on your friends and family! Nuclear Fruit Fusion displays are available for weddings, funerals, and impromptu confrontations on your contributions to generational trauma.
Oh No, I Apri-cut Your Nuts!
Created to specifically address the surprising rise of violence in the Edible Arrangements community, this bevvy of dried apricots and rich cashews are sure to say “I’m sorry I cut off your testicles. Let’s still be friends.” *
*We here at Edible Arrangements in no way condone revenge castrations. It is our deepest wish that our many fans and patrons stop this cycle of violence.
Edible Arrangements for Unforgivable Situations was originally published on Weekly Humorist
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Cleanup in Aisle Five - Kylux, housewife!au
Another bit of housewife!AU. I’m still deciding if I want to post this on AO3 as-is or continue it, so I’ll leave it here in the meantime.
2100 words / light M / kylux modern AU
Hux always feels like a prey animal at the grocery store.
He pauses in picking through a colorful display of starfruit and papayas to do a casual scan of the produce section. Somewhere in the back of his mind, Richard Attenborough is narrating.
The male uses his superior height to evade detection by the females of the species while foraging.
Adding a couple of mangoes to the hand basket at his elbow, he snorts quietly to himself.
It wasn’t that he was antisocial. He generally liked being around people, especially when he could be in charge of group activities. But something seemed to happen to women his age who had moved to a rich suburb and produced the obligatory 2.5 children. It came with the territory, like one of those awful minivans with the televisions in them, or an affinity for kale smoothies. They would corner him with effusively friendly offers; invitations to play tennis, to join book club, to go shopping - help me pick out a swim suit, you always have such good taste- or to come over for girls night.
We’re going to watch Magic Mike, Susan’s bringing the wine so we might get a little crazy, and I’m making these cute little fat free chocolate rice balls I saw on pinterest-
Meanwhile, Hux couldn’t escape the feeling that he was being hunted and bagged and mounted for display- the rare and elusive gay best friend to complete the appearance of the picture-perfect life for some aging California housewife.
That was better than the alternative, of course- that they were just being friendly because he was one of them. The thought makes him feel cold in a way that has nothing to do with the chilly air in the produce section.
Hux suddenly wishes that he could text Ben. Just a little hello. He was running errands with his mother today, but even just a little hi back had the power to make him smile, despite the fact that Ben couldn’t spell for shit and he put those stupid emoji things in everything.
Much as he wants it, Hux isn’t a complete idiot. His iPhone is in his husband’s name, it would be far too easy for Devon to have those records pulled if he ever found out about Ben. Phone records were easier to brush off so long as they weren’t excessive, but any contact he has with Ben through text needed to be strictly professional.
He completes his circuit of the grocery store, grabbing coconut milk and whole-grain cereal for himself, and grinding coffee for Devon. Bread and yogurt. Multivitamins and that fancy pineapple juice they both liked. Devon’s flight was supposed to come in at 7:45 that night, so he supposes he’ll need to make something for a proper dinner, although after staring blankly at a wall of organic dried pasta for several minutes without seeing it, he finally just decides fuck it, they can order Chinese.
When he heads for the checkout, he passes a little display of cheap pre-paid phones. The kind you activate by calling an 800-number and pay by the minute. He’s used them before, doing security.
He’s in line at the register, his mind half-blank, when the sound of his first name startles him out of his sulk.
“Hello, Armitage.”
“Senator Organa,” he says, turning. “How are you?”
“Good, mainly because I haven’t been a senator for three years. Unless there was an election no one told me about.”
A smile tugs at the corner of his mouth. “There was, actually. Last week. You didn’t hear?”
“I must have missed it. Well, damn,” she says lightly. “I guess I have to go get my hair done.”
Hux has always respected his neighbor for her sharp wit and brash attitude, even if they found themselves frequently, vocally, at odds during her stint as head of the homeowner’s association. More than once, Hux had considered staging a coup.
“How’s Devon?” Leia asks, as she reaches past him to begin unloading her hand-basket onto the conveyor belt. “I haven’t seen him around lately.”
Another reason he liked Leia Organa. She was the only woman in their neighborhood who had never once patted him on the arm and giggled about what a ‘waste’ of a good man he was.
“In and out of Chicago supervising some corporate merger business. I haven’t been kept in the loop on the details,” he says, trying for uncaring and only barely missing.
She huffs a laugh. “That sounds familiar. It’s the secret of a long marriage, you know,” she adds.
“What, ignorance?”
“No. ...well, okay, that seems to work for some people, but not our type.”
There is something flattering in being lumped as the same ‘type’ as a woman like Leia Organa, but he cannot quite encapsulate what. Still, it makes him smile.
“I meant travel,” she continues easily as Hux moves up in line. “It’s much easier to miss some people than to live with them. The only reason my marriage has survived as long as it has is because we’re only in the same state two months out of the year. We’ve learned how to leave right when the other one is getting irritating.”
“And when is that?”
“About ten minutes after he opens his mouth, in my case,” she says, but there’s a fondness in her voice that belies the words.
“A whole ten minutes?”
“Used to be five. I’m getting soft on him.”
Having gotten him to laugh, she gives a satisfied pat to Hux’s elbow, the one still holding the grocery basket. “There. There’s your motherly advice for the day.”
“Thank you, I’ll keep it in mind. It’s not often I get good advice, motherly or otherwise.”
He moves up to the front of the line and waits with muted impatience, his card already in the pin reader and waiting for cashier authorization while the boy scans.
“Mom-”
Hux turns.
“There you are, I was starting to think you’d gotten lost,” Leia says.
“They only had the twenty-four packs, so I just got two. Is that okay?” Ben edges his way around the people who have lined up being Leia. He’s easily holding two large cases of artisanal bottled water stacked on top of each in his long arms. “Sorry, excuse me-” The plastic containers creak in his grip.
“That’s fine, thank you baby. Watch out, don’t hit anybody-”
“Hello, Ben,” Hux says, looking at the chip machine and focusing on punching in his pin to keep the unseemly smile off his face.
The last time he’d seen Ben had been yesterday evening. Lying beside Hux’s pool had turned to skinny-dipping once the sun had gone down. His hands remember the feel of Ben’s bare skin under the water, the delicious heat of his cock pressing eagerly up between Hux’s thighs. Kisses that tasted like chlorine. Stroking each other off under the water.
When it got late, Hux hadn’t wanted to let him go. Had dragged him down on the couch as he tried to leave through the front door and blown him again, swallowing down Ben’s cock and his needy little whimpers like he was starving for them.
“Oh, hey, uh- mister Hux.” From the sound of it, Ben’s doing his best not to smile too.
And just like that, the tension that had knotted in Hux’s chest evaporates.
He steps out of the way with his shopping bag, hovering at the end of the lane while Ben hefts up the water to be scanned, the muscles in his arms and back moving easily under the fabric of his black t-shirt. Leia had forced him into clean, nice-fitting jeans and a knotted belt that Hux can just see peeking up under the shirt when Hux’s eyes are pulled down the sharp line of his body. When he lifts the water, Hux catches a flash of one angular hipbone where his jeans ride low even with the belt.
“Do you want a hand, Ben?” he asks, his tone innocent. He waits until the tips of Ben’s ears flush pink before he adds, nodding, “With the water.”
“I’m- it’s good, I’ve got it,” Ben stammers, shifting the weight. Hux is reminded suddenly of those broad hands under his thighs, lifting him up, and-
Christ, he’s got to get a hold of himself. He’s in fucking public.
Ben casts shy, appreciative little glances at Hux out of the corner of his eye while Leia pays, whenever he thinks she can’t see him. In the watery sunlight through the front windows of the shop, his eyes are a warm honeyed brown.
“So, uh- grocery shopping?” Ben says. Hux can almost see the moment he realizes what a silly line that was.
“Just a few essentials. I’ve been preoccupied lately, haven’t gotten to the store as much as usual.”
“Yeah? That’s not like you.” They are both trying not to smile. “What are you so preoccupied with?”
If they were alone, Hux would lean in close and say, your cock just to watch the way Ben stammered and blushed. It’s all he wants to do. But they’re not alone, they’re in the middle of fucking Whole Foods and Ben’s mother is five feet away, so he blurts out, “Work,” instead, and has enough time to feel stupid- this boy is actually making him stupid- before he can cover his embarrassment.
“It’s very nice of you, helping your poor mother around like this.”
“I can’t tell if that’s a crack about my height or my age,” Leia interrupts, raising an eyebrow as she joins them. putting away her pocketbook.
“I would never,” Hux insists, the picture of innocence, glad to have something to focus on besides how Ben is standing beside him and Hux can feel the warmth of Ben’s bare arm through his own sleeve. “Insult your height or your age. What kind of man do you think I am?”
“Just my intelligence, then? And I thought you were the kind who calls me an ‘aesthetically bankrupt bleeding-heart hypocrite’ because I approved the Becketts satellite dish?”
He follows them outside, blinking in the afternoon sun.
“That was friendly professional rivalry, nothing more.”
“Professional rivalry implies you’re on the homeowners board. You’re not.”
Hux shuts his mouth, bested.
“Aand I think that’s mom: one, Hux: zero,” Ben smirks as they approach Leia’s sensible black sedan in the parking lot. Hux shoots him a look that plainly says, traitor.
“Oh, it’s a lot more than one, honey,” Leia pats Ben on the arm.
“The thing’s still a damn eyesore,” he calls after Leia, with no real venom, when she climbs in the driver’s seat, leaving Ben to wrestle their groceries into the trunk.
“You’re still not on the board.” she calls back before shutting the door.
“You shut up,” Hux says to Ben, who had started to snicker.
“What? It’s funny.”
“My complete assassination by your mother isn’t funny.”
“Yeah it is.” He’s smiling, leaning one hip on the trunk of the car, and Hux has the worst urge to kiss it off the corner of his mouth. “You guys both like to argue way too much. It’s funny.”
“I don’t like to argue.”
“See? That’s- you’re doing it right now.”
“Am not,” Hux says, just to make him duck his head and laugh.
He swallows and looks away, sun-blinded by Ben’s smile. “Come over later,” he murmurs, glancing to see if Leia is paying any attention to them, comforted that they are mostly blocked by the open trunk of the car.
It was only twelve-thirty. Devon’s flight wouldn’t be in until nearly eight.
He’s never been an addict. His father drank, his mother smoked, but nothing has ever stuck to him that way. The lack of something has never made him desperate, not unless it was recognition and even that was more out of spite than desire. But every time he tells himself it’s going to his last with Ben, something in him scrabbles, frantic to eke out just a little more.
Ben swallows. “I can’t.” His eyes are on Hux’s neck, his shoulders. He sighs, a loud frustrated rush of air, “My parents are- they have shit for me to do all day. I have to clean out the stupid garage.”
Something uncomfortably like disappointment blossoms in Hux’s chest. He hates it even more because every inch of him knows that what he’s asking is stupid and pathetic- neither terms he’s ever wanted to associate with himself. “That’s alright.”
And because he is spiteful in his disappointment, he pitches his voice to a low murmur and adds, “I’ll just have to keep myself busy.”
The barb hits home. Ben bits his lip, clearly picturing Hux panting into the pillow as he fucks himself with his largest toy, Ben’s name on his lip, which of course had been Hux’s intention.
“Hux...”
The car horn honks and they both jump, suddenly aware that they’re lingering.
“I gotta go,” Ben, unhappiness in every word, and it’s almost enough to take the sting off of Hux’s disappointment. He shuts the trunk.
Hidden by the bulk of the car, Ben runs his hand- just the backs of two fingers, over Hux’s arm. The touch is like sunlight, soft and a little warm on his skin. Ben tangles their fingers together briefly as their hands part. “See you later though, okay? Tomorrow?”
He doesn’t move, unwilling to budge until Hux responds and for the first time, Hux hates this. Leia hits the horn again.
“Yes, alright, alright. Bye. Go away, before your mother runs me over.”
And that is all it takes to put a warm grin on Ben’s face. “Bye, Hux.”
He forces himself to move, not the stand there and watch Ben fold his long body up into Leia’s little car and drive away. The sun is beating down on the back of his neck. He still has his little bag of groceries in one hand- had held it like an idiot all through that desperate little play. When he reaches his car- an SUV, more because he enjoyed the feeling of driving something big than because he needed the space- he tucks his solitary bag into the empty hatchback, wedging it into a corner so it won’t spill as he drives. He pauses, one hand on the hatch to close it, before going back and fishing something out of the bag.
The car starts with a quiet hum. It was less than a year old and still faintly smelled it.
It had been a Christmas present from Devon.
Hux sighs, sitting there in his silent car in the parking lot, but really he had made this decision ages ago. This was just... seeing it through.
Reaching over to the passenger seat, he grabs the pre-paid phone he had bought inside and begins to open it.
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A New Media Approach in Media Theories
After spending 2 semesters learning from M. Lévis, I can undoubtedly affirm that I’ve attained the status of communications ninja. As studied in Media Theories, the foolproof communicator (or coms ninjas as we like to call them) is someone who can: navigate through various media channels, effectively encode and decode the source’s information, evaluate the credibility of his sources, creatively season his tweets with hashtags, emoji’s, hyperlinks and handle tags, understand the advantages and ethical limitations of media concepts such as crowdsourcing and data mining. Through screen captures and personal examples I will justify how M. Lévis’s class has been useful to me.
As a black belt in communication, I am active on different social media platforms. Most of my attention is focused on Facebook and Instagram since they are the networking sites that are the most visited on a monthly basis. Most of my friends and followers are connected with me on both of those platforms which means that I have to adapt my posting style in order for my followers to receive different content and keep interest in that content. One way of doing so is to take multiple pictures of the content you are trying to share, you can post the picture from one angle on Instagram and from a different angle on Facebook, and using different descriptions also helps maintain the viewer's interest. Let me give you an example: being a music promoter and booking agent, in order to promote my next art show I have decided to make an Instagram account targeted at reaching the customer by relating to them with funny content adapted to new media approaches and designed to showcase the artists in the show with personalized profiles of their talent. This means that I am constantly creating new original content to post on my different accounts, the event account and my personal art account. One of the ways I tried to incite people to come to the show was by posting weird confusing pictures that matches the theme of the show: “WTF is happening?” the intent is to attract the viewer with those weird images and make him feel: “wow that's so weird and cool, I need to go to that show to find out what's happening”. An example of how I did that, was by decorating fruit like funny characters and then to smash, cut and blow up the fruit. On the pictures below you can see that I kept the same content and idea but used different fruits: a papaya on the event account and a grapefruit on my personal account, that way the viewer is still kept updated but he is not annoyed with the repetition of content.
Using the same new media approach I have developed an online promotion plan to reach the public and attract them to the show. New media advertising is a marketing strategy that is adapted to new media trends. The advertisement is discreetly inserted in the consumer's news feed, instead of annoying in-your-face ads. New media advertising is easier to be absorbed and shared by the public because it doesn't feel like advertising, for example: posting funny weird pictures and using the #wtf relates the content to the show but isn't overbearing like the “come to the show please come to the show I need money to eat” sort of promotion. The first step in the promo plan was to commodify the expression “wtf is happening”, this meant using the expression as often as possible to make it popular again: therefore people would be using the phrase in their daily interactions and without knowing it, promoting our show. Next, we launched the Instagram for the show which includes weird wtf pictures as discussed and personalized artist profiles like this one:
We made a small artist profile (picture and description of what the artist will be doing at the show) for each of our 13 artists. Once their profile posted I have asked each artists to share the post, tag the Instagram account and link the Facebook event page. By sharing the event 13 times through 13 different networking pools we are reaching a wider target audience than ever. Lastly we launched an open contest for a poster: we asked all our friends and followers to make a poster for the show. The rules were that the poster had to include the basic information of the event (time, date, location) and be posted for at least 24 hours. In exchange, three winners will get into the show for free, get an album by Devecseri (performer at the show), and get à 16X20 canvas painted by myself and a bag of carrots (to follow the wtf theme). While the consumers will think this is a simple contest, the purpose behind the contest is deeper: we are getting free promotion and free labour in exchange for the prizes, in the end we are the winners.
Another way that this class has helped me plan my show was with knowledge on crowdsourcing. According to the information learnt in class, crowdsourcing is: “obtaining information or input into a task by enlisting the services of a large number of people, either paid or unpaid, typically via the Internet.” Keeping this in mind I made crowdsourcing attempts to find people to help me with my projects as witnessed in the pictures below.
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