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corpsedaydream · 3 years

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not such a merry christmas

corpse husband x reader

hi hi so it’s 4:20am lmao i’m not kidding

so i know i said i wasn’t going to be on over christmas but christmas wrapped up late for me and i wasn’t ready to sleep and i just started writing and this is what came of it. i know that christmas isn’t always exactly a happy time for everyone bc family and holidays can be complicated sometimes. so if ur struggling or experiencing anything negative or just not rly enjoying christmas. this ones for u friend and i’m sending love ur way

word count: 2085

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You had mixed feelings about this time of year.

The holidays.

On one hand, it meant you had some free time to enjoy some quality time with your nearest and dearest. And on another hand, it meant that you would be potentially finding yourself in situations where you would be spending time with family members who you would maybe rather not spend time with.

When you were young, Christmas always felt so magical. Now you were older, Christmas felt more like an anxiety inducing chore.

You’d talked to Corpse about your family a many of times, because for the most part, you really did love your family so much. You felt lucky to have been born into the family you were - again, for the most part. There was one particular sibling who you wouldn’t include in those feelings. Unfortunately, toxic people existed and extra unfortunately, sometimes those people were related to you. After four months of being with Corpse, he thought he had come to learn all of who were apart of your family. But then you were reminiscing on a childhood memory and when sharing it with your boyfriend, he heard a name he hadn’t heard before. When he questioned you on it, he noticed the immediate change in you. The smile left your face and you went timid and very quickly, you shifted the conversation topic. You were acting in a way he had never seen you be like before, usually you were so open and talkative and here was a brother you had never mentioned and definitely didn’t want to talk about.

He didn’t push it any further that day, figuring you would tell him when you were ready. That time came in November, on the 25th.

You remembered it well, Corpse was going through his emails when he asked you, “Baby, what’s the date?”

“November twenty-fi-” You cut yourself off.

“What?”

You were silent for a moment, you didn’t realise that Christmas had snuck up this quickly. It was only a month away.

“Baby?”

“Sorry- um,” you glanced to him, giving him a meek smile before continuing, “it’s November 25th.”

He noticed that shift in you again. “Are you okay?”

And on that day, you opened up to him. Told him about the terrible memories that haunted days that should have and could have been really happy days had it not been for a bullying, negative family member. How now, you seemed to dread Christmas because of this fact.

“Why don’t you just not go?” Corpse had questioned you, he said it as if it was the most clear outcome, but it wasn’t like for you. It was so much easier for him to say that then it was for you to do.

“I couldn’t do that to the rest of my family.”

“Why? You can see them on any other day?”

“It’s Christmas, I couldn’t not go.”

“It’s just the same as any other day if you think about it.” As much as he had cared and listened to you opening up to him, it was hard for him to understand you on this. You grew up in vastly different family dynamics.

“Not to my family, it’s important.”

The two of you continued to go back and forth for a little bit before you realised the stubbornness you both shared wasn’t going to allow you to take in the other’s perspective.

In fact, the two of you didn’t speak about it again until two days before Christmas Eve. You were spending the day together because you were planning on leaving that night to stay at your parents house until boxing day. And as your leaving time was drawing closer and closer, it was visibly clear to Corpse how anxious you were feeling about it.

“(Y/N),” he had called for you attention and you looked to him, “I really don’t want you to go.”

A soft smile was offered to him. “I’m going.”

“But I can fucking see how this is affecting you. You’re dreading it, please don’t go.”

You sighed before answering him. “I have to go.”

“No you don’t.”

“I do.”

“Why?”

“Please, Corpse, I don’t want to go over this again. I’m already feeling nervous about it.”

“Then stay with me for Christmas, you won’t have to feel nervous about anything, we can just be here having our own good time.”

You knew he was just trying to be there for you, but it seemed this was not something the two of you could find a common ground on. “It’s not that simple.”

But if only it had been that simple. If only you had listened to Corpse. Because you wouldn’t be where you were right now. Sitting in your car with tears running down your face. It was 5:05pm in the afternoon on Christmas Day and you’d made a dash out the front door while everyone else sat down to eat dinner. You had tried your best to stay strong, to ignore your toxic brother but when someone was constantly saying and doing things to try to bring you down, you’d broken. You wished you could pull it together, so you could go back inside for the people you wanted to be with, but you truly couldn’t take it any longer. You would call and apologise to your Mother tomorrow, you felt bad for leaving her the most.

You shouldn’t have been driving in the state you were in, tears kept blurring your vision and your mind was so distracted you knew you really weren’t paying enough attention. But by some miracle, you had made it to where you wanted to be. And in one piece and it wasn’t your own place. You were parked out the front of Corpse’s place and how you just longed to be in his arms right now.

Heavy feet carried you to his front door and before you could get the chance to knock, Corpse had already swung the door open.

“Thought I saw your car pull up- oh, fuck,” His tone was happy at first, surprised with happiness that you were there until he took notice of the state you were in. Your foundation was streaked by the thick and fast tears that had fallen down your cheeks. Your mascara and eyeliner tracked black lines, too. Your nose had the makeup removed from it and it was displaying red due to the amount of times you’d rubbed at it. And oddly enough, a Santa Hat was still sitting atop your head. Corpse had never seen a more gloomy Christmas Hat appearance. “Baby, c’mere.”

He wouldn’t hesitate to stretch out his arms to pull you in close and you so gladly accepted. When you were resting against him, his arms would be holding you so tight and yours clutching at his hoodie he was wearing, he’d kick his foot out to shut the front door once the two of you were inside. Small sobs were already leaving your body, but feeling the familiar and protective grip of Corpse really just made you break more. You were safe here, you were safe with him, you could get out any emotion you needed to, and so you did.

Sobs wracked your entire frame, it was loud, vocal and physical crying. Corpse had seen you cry before, but never like this. It was hurting him to see you so hurt. He was so concerned for you, he didn’t have to ask if you were okay, your display was making it clear you weren’t. When he could start to feel your feet starting to give out and your weight became heavier against him, and he not only heard but also felt you choking on your own cries and starting to really struggle to breathe, he felt the need to do more.

Gently, he’d bring you down to the floor with him. He’d sit with his back against the wall and grab your thighs to have you sit in his lap, your legs straddling him. He would pull you in tight enough so your chest and torso was completely against his, the two of you couldn’t be brought any closer if you tried.

“I need you to try taking some deep breaths for me.” He’d tell you right in your ear, needing you to hear him over your violent cries. And so you did, but each one was uneven and would catch in your throat and make you cough.

His hand would be rubbing big, deliberate, heavy circles into your back with a force to make its presence known, a tactic he hoped would calm you. He was caught off guard to see you like this, but after opening up to him about your toxic sibling and how anxious you had been to be around him again, he wasn’t exactly shocked. He was so concerned for you but a part of him was also furious that someone had treated you in such a terrible way to put you in this state. He now wished he had worked harder in getting you to stay with him, if you were with him, you were safe, he wouldn’t let harm - especially like this - come to you.

“I’m here.” Corpse would assure you with a longing kiss to the side of your head, rocking you back and forth.

And eventually, while sitting there, being cradled in his arms, your cries would quieten, your sobs wouldn’t make you shake so violently and your breathing would return to a more regular state.

“Feel better?” He’d ask you once you reached that more stable point and you’d nod your head from its place against his neck before doing a much needed yawn. “You’re tired?”

“Exhausted.” You’d confirm.

“Should we go lay down?” He was still holding you so strongly and securely but being so gentle with how he spoke to you.

“Yeah, I want to get some painkillers first, though, my head hurts.”

“Want to take off the Santa hat?”

“No.”

“What, why?” Your answer surprised him.

“I’ve had it on all day, I’ll have really bad hat hair.” You admitted and Corpse laughed and had you been in a better mood, you would have joined in on the laughter. But it did lift your spirits to even just simply hear him laugh.

“I’m sure it won’t be that bad.”

“It will be.”

Corpse laughed softly again and shook his head slightly and when he felt you relax against him again, he brought up his hand to quickly pull the hat from your head.

“Hey!” You lifted your head then and he was relieved to see no more build up of tears in your eyes anymore.

“You’ll feel better without it on.” He argued your protest, smiling a small smile and you couldn’t help but to mirror it, which made Corpse elated to see.

“Okay, but don’t you dare look at my hat hair.” You told him and because he knew your eyes were on his, he intentionally lifted his eyes to your hair. “Corpse!” You called his name with a laugh and he was so happy to hear you laugh instead of cry. “Stop it.” You spoke through more giggles and your hands came up to land on your head over your hair until Corpse grabbed your wrists and moved your hands out of the way. “Hey!” Squirming your arms to get your wrists out of his grasp. Once you freed them, you’d place your hands over his eyes.

“Baby, let me look at your beautiful hat hair.”

“No!” You both would laugh then and this time when your boyfriend took hold of your hands to move them off of his eyes, it would be soft and he’d lift them to bring back his vision and bring your hands down a little to place kisses into the palms on each of your hands.

“You know you don’t have to hide anything from me, right?” On the surface, it could’ve sounded like Corpse was talking about just the hat hair, but on a deeper level, he meant this so wholeheartedly, and you understood.

So you’d nod. “I know. Thank you.”

And Corpse knew that once again, when you were ready you’d tell him about what took place on that Christmas Day, but for right now, he didn’t need to know. All he needed to know is that now you were okay and you were safe and you were with him.

“I love you, (Y/N).”

“I love you, too.”

#corpse #corpse husband #corpse x reader #corpse husband x reader #corpse imagine #corpse husband fanfiction #writing #mine

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s1ut4harrypotter · 3 years

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savior complex

George Weasley x Fem!reader

this is based on savior complex by phoebe bridgers, my favorite song. it’s not my best work or anything but i sorta liked writing it. I haven’t been able to figure out endings on any of my wip’s so i might put a bunch of stuff out this week but idk. yet another without a happy ending because as usual i’m a piece of shit.

Warnings: sad, angst, mentions of canon character death, not proofread. If there’s anything wrong with it let me know lolz

word count: 2.5k

lyrics in italics/bold

tags: @amourtentiaa

Emotional affair, overly sincere

It’s been almost a year and a half since Fred died. George seems to be getting better, but also more distant. He is happy and joking around again, but he has been going to see Angelina more often. You and George had been dating since your 6th year at Hogwarts, you were going to be together forever. But now, as the days go by, he is getting farther and farther away from you.

Smoking in the car, windows up. Crocodile tears

You were there for George, through everything. You didn’t shy away from any of it, the nightmares, the rage, the sadness, you were there. You helped him, he had started smoking, you’d find him in his dad's old Ford Anglia, smoking a cigarette, sobbing. you got in, rolled up the windows, took the cigarette, and took him on a drive.

Run the tap til its clear

We pulled up to a small cliff we used to hang out at during the summer and held him while he cried. We had talked for the whole night, we only left when the sun started to come up.

Drift off on the floor

You tried to keep him involved with the rest of the world, so you started having monthly movie nights with the rest of his siblings. One night a month, everyone would go to one person’s flat and watch a movie or two. One month, it was your turn to have everyone at your flat, the two of you lived alone in the flat now, since Fred was gone. George hadn’t been sleeping well and ended up falling asleep halfway through the movie. Once everyone was gone, you cleaned up and decided not to wake him.

I drag you to the shore

Just as you were about to walk into your bedroom, you heard him. George had been having nightmares since Fred died. Some nights you’d make him a potion for dreamless sleep, but tonight the two of you forgot. You sighed and walked back to the living room,

You’re gonna drown in your sleep, for sure

“Georgie” you whispered. “Georgie it’s me, y/n you gotta wake up darling.” he was sweating buckets and breathing heavily. You gently coaxed him awake and walked him back to your bedroom, he started to cry. “I’m so sorry darling” you cooed, as you stroked his hair, trying to get him to fall back asleep.

Wake up and start a big fire, in our one room apartment

He wouldn’t stop crying now, he was hiccuping and mumbling incoherent things into your chest. You were so tired, you were the only one with a job at this point, not that minded, you had just had a long day and needed to go to sleep.

But i’m too tired, to have a pissing contest.

“George, darling, you need to breathe, take deep breaths, you’re going to throw up if you don’t calm down Georgie.” he had a bad habit of crying until he threw up, then passing out and falling asleep.

“He’s gone. It’s my fault. I should’ve been there. It should’ve been me.” He hiccupped out, crying harder now. You were on the verge of tears too, you hated how sad he was.

“No George. You can’t think like that, it wasn’t your fault. Fred wouldn’t want you to feel this way.” you spoke softly into his ear.

“Don’t tell me what he would’ve wanted y/n” he suddenly got serious. “You didn’t know him like I did.”

“Of course I didn’t know him like you did George, but I like to think that I knew him pretty well, and I don’t think he was the kind of person to want you wallowing in your bed, wishing it had been you instead of him.”

“God y/n can you just go? Please? I want to be alone tonight.” he said, you scoffed. He couldn’t be serious, but you were tired and you didn’t want to upset him more. You slept on the couch that night.

All the bad dreams that you hide.

You were grieving too, you had met Fred first at Hogwarts, then he introduced you to George. You felt like you had been really good friends with Fred, so it really hurt when George said things like that, but you knew he didn’t really mean it. Sometimes he just said things like that when he was upset, you understood, he was hurting. Sometimes he wouldn’t tell you about his dreams, he would just change the subject whenever you asked, you had dreams about Fred’s death sometimes too. You were with him and Percy when it happened, you’d constantly beat yourself up for it, all the things you could have done differently to save George from this pain, but what’s done is done.

Show me yours and i’ll show you mine

You wished that George would tell you what was going on with him. He had been going through different stages over the past year, at first he didn’t talk at all. You’d walk by his room at night and he’d be mumbling things to himself, never anything you could make out. Then he started telling you how he was feeling, anything and everything that he felt, he’d tell you. You liked it then, even if he was sad and there wasn’t much you could do about it, at least you could be sad together. Now he didn’t tell you anything, he just brushed you off.

Call me when you land, i’ll drive around again.

You loved him so much, there wasn’t much he could do that you wouldn’t take. You were willing to wait for him to get better. You knew he was hurting, you knew it would take time for him to get back to the ‘old George’, if there was even any of him left. You’d never say it out loud, but you knew everyone else was thinking it. When Fred died, he took a big piece of George with him. It brought you so much heartache that he was in pain. You wished you could just bring Fred back, then maybe you could get your George back. But you were willing to wait.

One hand on the wheel, one in your mouth. Turn me on, and turn me down.

You and him hadn’t been intimate in months, you knew George was hurt, and he would only ever think about it on his good days, which were now few and far between. But it was ok, you were willing to wait for him. You loved him.

Baby you’re a vampire, you want blood and I promised. I’m a bad liar.

Lately you felt as though you never saw the happy side of George. He’d go out during the day, to meet friends from school he said. He’d never say who it was if you asked, but you figured it was just Lee Jordan or someone else he had been close friends with. He was physically and emotionally exhausted when he got home. It was like he used up any energy he had to be happy wherever he was during the day, then when he got home, you were left to pick up the pieces when he shattered.

With a savior complex

You were beginning to get burned out. You had finally gotten some time for yourself to meet up with some friends, and they suggested you break up with George. You simply couldn’t do that. It may be slightly exhausting to keep up with him, but you knew the old George was still in there. They kept telling you it seemed like you had a savior complex, and that George was a lost cause. Deep down, you knew you were probably the only one still holding on to the relationship, but you still loved him so much. You wouldn’t know what to do without him, even if you knew it was practically already over.

George had been getting further and further away, figuratively and literally. He was almost never home, and when he was, he was back to barely talking, occasionally giving you one or two word answers. You’d ask him how his day was and he’d reply with just “good” not even bothering to ask about your day.

You were fed up with how things were, you wanted to know if at least he was back to his joking self around his friends. You knew it was wrong, but you followed him one day. Turns out he had just been going to the Leaky Cauldron, at first you were worried he just spent the day drinking. But, you waited a few minutes and went in, only to see him kiss Angelina Johnson on the cheek.

Ok, maybe they were just catching up, they were good friends at school, you knew that. But the longer you watched, the more you realized you weren’t watching two friends catching up. You were watching your boyfriend, the man you had spent the last 5 years of your life with, with another girl. Deep down, you knew your relationship was over, it had been for months, you were just dragging it out because you didn’t want it to end yet. But you didn’t want it to end like this.

You wanted to scream, cry, hit him, do something. You had thrown away the last year of your life, devoting yourself to helping George feel better. You spent long nights rubbing his back, whispering comforting things in his ears as he cried into your chest. YOU did that, not her. How could he do this to you? After everything you’ve been through together, everything you had done for him. He threw it all away.

You were distraught. You were thinking irrationally, sending yourself into a spiral. You called in sick for work and walked back to your flat in a daze. You needed to think about this. For a few minutes, you contemplated obliviating yourself, maybe if you just forgot you saw it, went about your relationship as it was before this morning, it’d be ok. But you knew that wasn’t the right thing to do. So you did the only other thing you thought you could do, you conjured some boxes and started packing.

You spent the day packing every last trace of your belongings, you called one of your friends and told her something happened with George. You didn’t give her any specifics because the optimistic, or stupid, side of you was holding on to hope that you were overreacting, maybe you saw wrong. Maybe, this was a big huge misunderstanding and you could unpack your stuff with George when he got home and live happily ever after. But you knew that wasn’t the case, so you told her you’d tell her when you got there. You finished packing the last of your stuff a few minutes before George got home, it was later than usual. You didn’t want to face him, you thought about leaving him a letter, telling him you saw what he did and not to contact you ever again. But you needed to hear it from him.

He walked in and saw the boxes, confused he walked into the living room and saw you sitting on the couch, just staring off into the distance.

“Y/n darling? Are you alright.” he asked, confused.

“No Georgie, but I will be.” you whispered back, sadly.

“What’s with all the boxes? What happened?” he asked again. It was like you were a ghost, or someone else. You were there but not really, he could see you’d been crying.

“What did I do wrong Georgie? What could I have done differently?” you asked, you could feel the tears starting again.

“Darling I don’t know what you’re talking about, did something happen at work?” he said, he was worried maybe you got fired.

You scoffed. “No George, nothing happened at work. I have been so worried about you lately, you seemed to be getting worse and worse. Coming home from god knows where, in a mess of tears. Just coming home for me to clean up, then going out again the next day.”

When he didn’t reply you continued, “I have spent the last 5 years of my life with you George. Completely devoted to you, through everything I supported you.” you laughed bitterly, “I spent all day packing today, trying desperately to figure out where I went wrong. What I did to you, what I could’ve done differently, to make you love me enough. But it wasn’t me was it?”

“What are you talking about dear? Why were you packing.” he replied.

“God George you’re just not seeing it are you?” You looked at him, bewildered. “I saw you. You and Angelina.”

“Oh” he whispered.

“OH! THATS ALL YOU HAVE TO SAY GEORGE? OH?” You shouted, he could feel himself starting to cry now too.

“I have spent so much of my time cleaning up after you, taking care of you, loving you. I can’t believe I’ve been so stupid. I should’ve known. When you started going out more, I told myself, maybe you were just out with friends, when you came home after a long day with Angelina, using up any happiness that you did have with her, who was there to pick up the pieces? ME!” you yelled.

“I just can't do it anymore George. We’ve been over for a long time, and I need to let you go now.” you trailed off, the last part coming out in a mix between a whimper and a whisper.

“No, darling please let's talk about this!” he begged.

“What is there to talk about George? I saw you, with my own two eyes.” you replied.

“Please baby it was a mistake. I love you so much, please please don’t leave me.” he was begging you, he needed you.

“I can’t George. I’ve spent so much time caring for you, I need time to care for me. I need to get better too. I just can’t do this anymore, there won’t be anything left of me if I keep giving it all to you.”

He broke down next to you, crying. You stood up, ready to disapparate with your things, but he ran up to you and hugged you.

“Please don’t leave me y/n. I’m so sorry! It was a mistake I love you so much.”

“You need to let me go Georgie, I'm sorry. I need to go.” you whispered, calmly removing his arms from their tight hold around your waist.

You whispered a quiet, final goodbye, before disapparating from his flat and to your friends home, you both needed to move on.

#george weasley x reader #george weasley #George weasley smut #fred weasley x reader #fred weasley #fred weasley smut #harry potter #harry potter smut #harry potter fan fiction #draco malfoy x reader #draco malfoy smut #draco malfoy imagine #draco malfoy #marauders fan fiction #marauders era #waking up and choosing violence yet again

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that-tall-queer-bassist · 3 years

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My personal Pros and Cons of my ADHD

Pros

-noticing all the little details and appreciating them in the fullest

-Emotional Dysregulation, because when I get a new plant, or find that one oddly shaped metal marble I lost a while ago, I am so excited it’s pathetic, but I love that feeling of pure joy.

-hyperfixation of the week/day/hour (i know some people describe it differently, let me be pls) . I usually switch between art mediums, and/or a few video games/social media sites. for example, I’ve been on tumblr for 3 hours as i write this, after not touching it for, i think a month?

-nuerodivergent friends. They’re just better.

-the ability to completely drown myself in information to ignore reality. Is it healthy? no. But i simply cannot handle another existiential crissi rn, so i will instead play minecraft while listening to alt rock playlists on youtube because getting spotify sounds like a lot of work.

-my ability to retain absolutely useless information, from either my, or my other nuerodivergent friends hyperfixations/special interests. I can explain to you in terrible formatting if it’s out loud, the evolution, history, training, anatomy and roles of the horse in our world, and how ao3 works, and what makes or breaks a fanfiction.

-Object Impermanence. When i literally hide myself a treat or surprise and forget about it, then get so excited when i do find/discover it again. I hide google questions, and/or song lyrics in my tabs :) its so fun. Also, hiding away stressors. Again, healthy? no, but i don’t feel like having anxiety all day, so whatever.

-Emotional Dysregulation, again. I can switch from sad or angry to happy and excited/content in a few seconds. It’s also great for getting my siblings out of their funk. ex., my sister is mad at me. I make a silly voice repeating what she said or cross my eyes at her. she laughs, then we can talk and have constructive conversation about why she shouldn’t get that upset about me “cutting off her reading time” when we share a room and I want to sleep, and know that she will be very tired tomorrow if she doesn’t also go to sleep. (We have this conversation almost every single night, i’m not even joking)

Cons

-Emotional Dysregulation. When i get upset, I’m Upset. Like, big time, ruining friendships and familial ties if i let it get out of hand, Upset. Yeah.

-Time Blindness. Constantly late, or early, or under or over estimating the amount of time it takes to do a thing, not eating til 4 because you forgot but you also should just wait til dinner, but now its 9 and I still haven’t eaten-

-Executive Dysfunction. I can’t do the things needed to function. Don’t have the mental energy to explain this one, so google it i guess? There’s a whole checklist of things you need to be able to do to function, and i can do like, three on a good day.

-Sleeping Trouble. People with adhd have trouble falling asleep, staying asleep, and waking up. So, sleeping trouble. So I’m constantly tired.

-Internal Clock is SLIGHTLY OFF. Nuerotypicals have that normal sleep schedule. Adhd ers have it shifted forward by, i think, 2, 3 hours. So we go to sleep later, and wake up later, and that’s the only way to get a healthy amount of sleep. My entire family also eats dinner super late, which might be because we’re weird, but I suspect the inner clock thing cuz we all got adhd.

-Object Impermanance. I hid my math homework one time. I failed that class.

-Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria. Never trying, or starting cuz I’m so terrified to get a bad reaction. Constantly masking around certain people to appeal to the few of my Nuerotypical friends. Or, y’know, majority of my extended family. They’re ableist. and homophobic. And transphobic. And racist. and sexist. The list goes on, but, yeah. Never coming out to them! :D

-Masking. It’s exhausting and I can only handle so much of it.

-Not Masking around nuerotypicals. The shoot down after finally revealing my true thoughts, urges, feelings, stims, etc. just sucks. Super disheartening.

-Squirrel or shiny jokes when they’re made by people without adhd. Yes, I do get distracted by squirrels, and shiny things, and dice. Stop pointing it out, and/or putting me into yet another box of your labeling.

-saying that I’m lazy, worthless, or a disaster when really it’s not helping. I already have that internal monologue, you adding to it and giving it some truth/extra ammunition is not. helping.

-Emotional Dysregulation. Again, because mood swings. like, I’m trying to be rightfully angry with you. Stop making me laugh with you’re silly faces or pointing out of a weird face someone made in a picture you took.

-the stigma about the hyperactive subtype. I’m inattentive. I have No Energy. Ever. Sometimes i have restlessness, but there is still no energy. Stop portraying me as bouncing off the walls, especially with caffeine. Caffeine just catches my body speed up to my brain speed, settling me down a bit, at least mentally.

-people not getting when i say I’m overstimulated, or need some time alone to process or re-energize, and following me, or continuing to do the overstimulating thing. I will literally. lose. my. mind.

-when people shut me down after I share something that is really important to me, or make fun of me for liking something an “abnormal” amount. Flashbacks to overnight camp, when whenever I said anything about horses, they said I had to do five squats, and when i got really excited about discussing the differences in riding styles/types with another person who really liked horses, but rode english, they said that it was obnoxious, when i was just.. excited to finally find someone to talk to and who felt the same way after, basically, years and years of no one getting it or wanting to listen or talking with me about the thing. To this day I don’t discuss horses with anyone, cuz it hurts so much remembering that, and the fear of it happening again is still there.

-seeing other people be ashamed about their adhd and hesitant to mention until i talk, like, super openly about having it, in like, the first 5 minutes of knowing each other. It just.. hurts.

-I’m super empathetic, not in a way that’s helpful though. Like, wincing, or limping myself because I saw you drop something on your foot, and am imagining it so vividly that it feels like it happened to me. Reading a fic about abuse or depression, and it hitting too hard and hurting me almost physically, and on a personal level because I simply cannot handle it. Feeling someone else’s pain so vividly that i can’t comfort or help them in any way, because I am so preoccupied with feeling their pain.

-never being able to finish things without starting something else. All the WIPs in my google docs, istg, i will be driven insane by it.

(y’know, this was kinda fun. As a rant, but also as a way for me to identify things about myself and my adhd that i like. Like, I know its so much shorter, but I have a hard time with positive self affirmation, so it was kinda nice. I might do it again, but just the pros part cuz the cons are kinda depressing ngl.)

(OH, Y’all should reblog with your own personal pros added on! You can add cons if you’d like to :) I’m just interested in seeing how your experiences/feeling differ from mine :) )

#adhd #adhd life #executive dysfunction #positive affimation #but it's only the begining ig #i might delete positive affirmations #idk #pros and cons #pros and cons of my adhd #nuerodivergent #nuerodivergent friends are the best #i will elaborate at some point #I've been on tumblr too long

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disgruntledspacedad · 3 years

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in defense of Din’s subdued reaction to losing the kid...

gif by @quantam-widow

I know we were all thinking it. We got a 2 second reaction shot to the destruction of the Razor Crest (may she forever rest in peace), but then, Grogu gets taken, and... nothing?

What the fuck, Din? we all protest. That’s your baby on that ship! Don’t you care? Scream, curse, kick a rock, cry, make a fist, something!!

I will acknowledge that so far, the show has been excellent with giving us emotional payoff, am I right? I mean, just today we got Din laughing, twice. Twice in a row. I honestly never thought we’d see that. There have been so many excellent, precious soft!Din moments this season, and they all feel deliciously earned.

So, from a meta POV, I guess I’m saying that I have faith in the writers to get it right, and in Pedro to deliver. Duh.

In universe, though, I think it’s fair to point out the obvious - that Din is a pretty reserved guy. He’s much more of a thinker than a feeler. He’s used to keeping things bottled up, and I would even argue that his life often depends on his ability to dissociate from his emotions. Din’s entire journey so far has been about how one little baby yodito shakes his worldview to its very foundations. He’s getting there, but it’s a slow process.

And also, consider this - we haven’t seen Din alone yet, not since Grogu was taken. For a guy who lives a guarded life literally encased in fucking armor, any display of emotion is going to be carefully protected until he’s in private.

But anyway, Din is detached, rational, a little emotionally constipated, and definitely comfortable in a stressful situation. A true ISTP if you ask me (yeah, I know you didn’t, but whatever). Often, it seems that these cool headed, logical types who have never ruffled a feather over anything in their lives are the least adept at handling genuine fear. In other words, when panic does strike, it strikes them hard.

And guys, Din was definitely panicking during this episode.

He’s clearly unsettled from the jump - that outburst of “dank farrik!” in the cockpit sells it, and his distress only becomes more obvious from there. Talking out loud, trying to convince himself that the best thing for Grogu is for him to be trained as a Jedi. Reminding himself of the creed. His overt caution as they approach the seeing stone. His impatience, “Are you seeing anything??”

Then there’s the effects of long term stress. Sure, a bounty hunter in the outer rim doesn’t exactly live an easy life, but Din is definitely used to the drama being on his terms. Compare Din’s body language in the opening scene of season one to when Boba confronts him in chapter fourteen. You can just feel the anxiety, the weariness, the frustration. Din has been on the run for months now, constantly looking over his shoulder, sleeping with one eye open. Notice how he even startles at Fennec’s voice? Season one Din would never have given that much away, regardless of the situation. Long term stress has clearly taken a toll on him.

So we have unsettled, stressed out Din in an emotionally charged situation. He’s exhausted, he’s scared, he’s desperate. This scenario is a recipe for even the most level-headed of adrenaline junkies to loose their cool, and that’s exactly what happens to Din. He panics, and he makes some pretty big fuckups because of it. Leaving Grogu unprotected, twice. Trying three different times to break through that “force field,” even when he knew he couldn’t. Dropping that jetpack and then just forgetting about it (I know we were all screaming about that one, or at least, I was).

So, fear is a positive feedback loop. Those neurotransmitters that do us good in a bad situation - raising heart rate, narrowing focus, shunting blood to the muscles - can also be detrimental if we get too high of a dose - tachypnea and tachycardia, inability to think critically and see the big picture, lack of blood and oxygen to the brain. Epinephrine, in particular, even inhibits the laying down of new memory pathways. In other words, stress leads to poor performance, and poor performance leads to more stress, which leads to... you get the idea.

Then, in the middle of all this chaos, they fucking blast the Razor Crest.

More epinephrine, more cortisol, more stress.

By the end of it all, Din is a fucking shitstorm of stress hormones and pent up emotions. Notice how he seems to be on autopilot in the immediate aftermath, robotically scanning the ashes of the Crest for anything that might be left intact. Notice how empty his voice is when he says, “the child is gone.” This is a dead man walking. Din has nothing left. His whole life has just gone up in smoke, and he can do nothing about it.

Guys, Din is holding onto his sanity by a fucking thread in this scene. “The child is gone,” he says, like he’s reminding himself, grounding himself in his shitty reality. He’s stunned.

And helpless. There’s literally nothing he can do for Grogu. He has no ship, no credits, no resources, nothing to bargain with, nothing to offer. Din literally cannot allow himself the luxury of feelings right now. He’s just got to focus on surviving this very shitty day.

Then, Boba Fett upholds his end of the deal, and suddenly, Din has something to hold onto. An ally, a badass friend, some hope. I don’t think Boba shows Din that chain code in order to verify his claim on the armor - he’s already wearing it, for godssake. I think Boba shows him the code in order to catch Din’s attention - hey friend, I know you’re hurting, but I’m a man of my word. When I make a vow, I keep it. Let’s regroup and go find your kid.

And Din would totally latch onto that. A fighting chance? Din fucking leaps at it. There’s a job to do. A kid to save. All of those stress hormones are going to keep on stewing, because Din has never really come down from his adrenaline high.

It’s like this in real life, too. There isn’t time to be afraid. There isn’t time to be sad, or second-guess, or say, oh how terrible, or wonder what if it doesn’t work? There’s just you and the job, and if you are the only thing standing between life and death, you will put everything else aside and do what you have to do, for as long as you have to do it.

And that’s where Din is at this moment. He’s running on the fumes of his adrenaline, all tempered focus, all strategy and no bullshit.

Emotional shock, my therapist buddy calls it. Apparently, it’s normal. Expected, even.

But guys, the fallout of this kind of crazy ass adrenaline high is insanely intense. I’m talking collapse to the floor, legs won't hold you, trembling, crying so hard you sling snot, shuddering breaths, stare dead-eyed and spent at the ceiling because you’re just too wiped out to even sleep kind of intense.

And then, after the breakdown comes the angst. The detailed thinking. The oh god, what if this had happened, or, should I have done that instead? It seems like every emotion that gets put on the back burner in the moment comes back to bite you with twofold intensity when all is said and done.

In other words, Din is definitely going to feels some things .A lot of very intense things. A reckoning is coming, my dudes. Trust me. It’s just not quite here yet.

That being said, here’s what I can expect from Din going forward:

Just like he’s is slow to acknowledge his growing parental feelings for Grogu, I think Din’s going to be slow at processing his grief at Grogu’s loss. In the next episode, he’s got plenty to distract him - getting together his hit team to take back the kid and coordinating an attack on the empire.

However, I do think we’ll get a slow moment with Din, probably sometime at the beginning of next week’s episode if the pattern holds. I doubt it’s the full-blown breakdown that we’re all needing, but I’m willing to bet money that we’ll see Din grappling with the fact that his kid is gone. I also think that badass beskar murder machine Din from chapter three will resurface. Stress and desperation make us do irrational things, and anger is one of the stages of grief that Din will inevitably have to work through (I think he’s flickering between denial and bargaining for now).

But then, after Din gets Grogu back? I think that’s we’ll have our big, dearly earned emotional payoff.

For one thing, Din won’t be able to deny his feelings anymore. He wants to keep this kid, it’s so very obvious. Losing him just forces it all to the forefront.

And then the relief/joy/regret/guilt that Din is going to feel once he’s got Grogu back? Not to mention the physical exhaustion? All of the fear/terror/angst/grief that he ignored in favor of just going pedal to the metal, guns blazing, get the kid or die trying? That shit’s going to crash into him with all the subtly of a fucking tsunami. I guarantee you, we’re going to get some sort of confession, or adoption vow, or face revel, or other sort of profound softness from Dad!Din in the falling action of this season (At least, I hope we get it at the end this season but I wouldn’t put it past them to kick it into the premier of season three, just for pacing reasons, but then again, I obviously have trust issues).

Personally, I would love to see Din grappling with the long-term fallout of losing Grogu - night terrors, guilt, paranoia, etc. That’s probably the stuff of fanfiction - mandalorians don't have nightmares on screen, surely - but still, some lingering effects Grogu’s kidnapping would be realistic, and I would absolutely live for it.

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danzinora-switch · 4 years

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Typing the Turtles (ROTTMNT) Part 3 - Leonardo

This started out as an investigation into the turtles’ insecurities, because one thing the show does so well is demonstrate that they are still teenagers. And being a teenager is a confusing experience - there’s angst, drama, exploring one’s identity, a lot of growth, and overall figuring out who you are. That’s a messy process, too! And we see this mess in our turtles: they mess up, they’re learning, they self-doubt, they have fears and insecurities, but they’re also discovering their strengths and how to overcome their inner obstacles.

So after thinking about all this way too long, here’s my psychological breakdown of each turtle (I’ll be referencing MBTI and the Enneagram a ton, but will include links for more general information on those if you don’t know what I’m talking about).

Parts One and Two found on the links for Raph and Don.

Leo: ESTP, 3w2

The Achiever, the Entrepreneur, the Charmer, the Explorer

I’ve wanted to say this for a long time: Leo is such a 3, he is such a 3 it hurts, oh my goodness. Read this: https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-3 and tell me that isn’t Leo to a T.

It took me a little longer to figure out the MBTI for him, but he has a lot of similarities with the ESTP. This does mean we need to step away from the ‘frat bro’ stereotype of ESTPs, though. They are a lot more keen than convention would suggest.

Really, a big thing with Leo is his need to be The Best. What that means, to him, is normally something physically-related. He needs to be the best at sports or performing certain moves, which we see in episodes like The Longest Fight where he bets he can pull off the impossible skateboard move, or Shell in a Cell where he asserts he can out-perform Ghostbear. Additionally, episodes like Air Turtle really showcase the ugly side of his competitiveness. But he also desires physical perfection. He is rather image-conscious, fretting about his body in Stuck on You, and routinely referring to himself as the team’s Faceman. The biggest example of this was his idea for a disguise in Hidden City Job: the Turtle Adonis. An adonis is considered the peak physical ideal, handsome and attractive to boot. If this drive doesn’t scream Enneagram Three I don’t know what does.

Leo at his worst: Leo’s competitive side can certainly get the best of him. We see this in episodes like Air Turtle, where his ‘win at all costs’ attitude starts to alienate him from the group. Raph has also described him as a ‘poor winner’ which refers to his tendency to gloat when he does beat out the competition, or was proven right (Bug Busters, The Gumbus, You Got Served, LAIR GAMES). He’s smug, gloating, and when he does lose tries to wiggle out of it through technicalities. The one time he says something isn’t a competition is after Mikey beats him at Skateball (You Got Served). And when he ‘loses’ the Lair Games, Donnie’s win comes with a catch that Leo built in.

Threes do this for approval and validation, though, and we see that underlying his need to be the team’s Champion in Minotaur Maze and Portal Jacked! “I’m nothing without them!” he cries to Hueso. “What good is a team with just a Faceman?” Threes have a need to distinguish themselves from others, to be admired, to have attention, so that they then feel valuable and worthwhile. Other people, then, are necessary. When Leo wants to get on the Wall of Champions in Minotaur Maze, his brothers factor in to his unmet needs. “...because what good is being a Champion if you can’t rub it in your brothers’ faces?” Leo doesn’t just need to be The Best… he needs others to acknowledge it, as well.

Average Leo: He’s got a practical eye for situations and the quickness to adapt and act as needed. The ESTP is known for being bold as well as perceptive. We see this in fight scenes such as Battle Nexus: New York when he is quick to determine that physical comedy is the key to making the sprite laugh and immediately changing his approach.

He also displays a remarkable amount of common sense when making decisions. In Origami Tsunami, as the guys discuss becoming heroes, he’s the one who shoots down ideas until they reach a more achievable goal: taking on paper thieves. And he’s got a point, can you imagine the turtles taking on a spine-breaker or mangler at that point in time? When everyone else is blinded by ideals concerning fixing the Mutant Menace, he’s the only one who asks “anybody down for staying home during the anti-mutant panic?” Of course, he still goes along with their adventure, because ESTP’s live in The Moment, so why not?

Something else that I want to mention is Leo’s appreciation for the Machiavellian. He has an incredibly intuitive grasp on it, and actively appreciates twists, turns, betrayals and deceptions. His love for magic probably stems from this (The Clothes Don’t Make the Turtle) and he is the only one enjoying the series of betrayals in Warren & Hypno Sitting in a Tree. Hidden City Job also expands on the fact that Leo doesn’t have a problem with betrayal, as he revels about brotherly betrayal happening all the time. He’s cool with being betrayed… just know that he can betray you back. It’s all fair game.

This can have upsides and downsides. On the upside, his understanding of trickery can lead to brilliant plans and solutions such as what we saw in Many Unhappy Returns, where he was able to outsmart Big Mama herself. On the downside, this kind of behavior is not always the best move - his family does not appreciate being left out of the loop of his schemes, or actively being manipulated as part of them (Leo’s plan in Many Unhappy Returns worked, but he still left his brothers alone and exhausted, and did not consider the emotional effect it would have on Splinter being sent back into the arena). At that point it’s no wonder he asks “why does no one trust me?” Because you tend to have an angle, ‘Nardo. Be careful how you use that.

He is also incredibly persuasive. This is partly why I feel he is a 3 wing 2, ‘The Charmer’ because he knows how to communicate to get what he wants. When used for the right reasons, we see him settle discord such as cooling the mobs in You Got Served or apologize when he knows an apology is needed (Todd Scouts, Air Turtle, Hidden City Job). We see it used neutrally (and a bit skeptically) in Many Unhappy Returns when he declares he’ll just go to see Big Mama and “turn up the Leo”. It can also be used deceptively, however. Todd Scouts shows this when Leo is the one who convinces Todd that they’re ready to kick things up a notch by going out alone… when really they just want to get away from him. He’ll also use words to get under people’s skins: dismissing Warren Stone in Stuck on You, but also pointing out Donnie’s beach ball fear in Mind Meld. He knows which words will get the responses he wants, for better or for worse.

Leo at his Best: Leo is the team’s motivator. He’s the one giving the others the pep-talks and encouragement they need to continue (Origami Tsunami, Finale: Rise). Donnie said it best after Leo’s redemption in Air Turtle: “your confidence is giving me confidence!”

Because that’s the healthy thing about Threes: they strive to reach their own full potential, which also inspires others to reach theirs. Leo doesn’t like to fail/lose, but he won’t let anyone else succumb, either. He has the most confidence in each Mad Dog’s ability. “I knew you guys could handle it!” he says in Many Unhappy Returns, and points out with amazing accuracy just what his brothers are capable of. He not only believes in himself, he believes in those around him. And he’s able to inspire them when they’re feeling down about their own abilities or not enthused about the task (see his speech about standing up for the paper men in Origami Tsunami).

This also includes encouragement and compliments in other areas. Regarding the Shell Hogs: “Donnie, these are amazing! And I know everything I say sounds sarcastic, but I’m being completely genuine this time” (Stuck on You). When Mikey isn’t sure Hypno will like him: “What? Of course he will, you’re adorable!” (Newsworthy). To Raph, “Does this place have smoke detectors? Because you’re on fire, Big Daddy!” (The Clothes Don’t Make the Turtle).

He’s also able to step in and take charge when Raph falls because he can see what action needs to be taken (that practical and observant, yet bold ESTP side coming in). When Raph gets separated in the sewers, Leo’s the one who doesn’t treat it casually and gets the others moving to find him (Man vs Sewer). When his older brother is hypnotized by Hypno in Stuck on You, he quickly reacts and tells Mikey and Donnie what the plan is and enacts it. We see this leader potential grow bit by bit, and his awareness of each individual’s role on the team allows him to step back from areas that he knows aren’t his forte: Raph can handle the ‘teamwork’ stuff, Donnie has got the technical know-how, and Mikey takes care of positive outlook for any situation. Leo can keep things fun and inspire confidence. His puns help lighten the mood, his jokes break the ice of tense situations, and he never stops believing in their own abilities, which keeps them all going (Donnie’s Gifts, Many Unhappy Returns).

Leo Relationships:

(While Leo has a competitive episode with each of his brothers: Shell in a Cell, Lair Games, and You Got Served, there is more going on than just that).

Raph: Both Leo and Raph have strong gut feelings that can be blindsided. Leo picks up immediately that Big Mama is not trustworthy while Raph is more than happy to believe her, but Leo is blinded by his fan-love for Jupiter Jim to realize that Marcus Montcrief is a crazy and suspicious adult, which Raph becomes aware of early on (Bug Busters, Jupiter Jim Ahoy!). They both can be a little too head-first when diving into plans, such as checking out the creepy bus in One Man’s Junk or doing their best to help April in Hypno: Part Deux. But they do trust each other to have each other’s backs, and there’s (thankfully!) no Leo vs Angst in this version of their characters. It really allows them to be comfortable with each other (and egg each other on with more than just missions: see the pizza pigeon in Mind Meld).

Donnie: In some ways Leo acts like a foil for Donnie. His own natural confidence counterbalances a lot of his twin’s insecurities. They butt heads over it, sure, with Donnie perhaps taking things too seriously and Leo seemingly not taking them seriously enough, but I like I said in Donnie’s typing: one’s chill and one’s uptight. There’s a ton of back and forth between them: they are the epitome of siblings fighting one minute and getting up to no good together the next (Example from The Mystic Library: Leo grooves out with Donnie’s rap one moment and tries to get him kicked off the team in the next scene). They may antagonize each other in Lair Games, Smart Lair, the beginning of Snow Day and Hidden City Job, and so much more, but also demonstrate brotherly love (and antics) in Operation: Normal, the end of Hidden City Job and Smart Lair, and, of course, Battle Nexus: New York. “For Donnie’s honor!”

Mikey: Leo sticks up for Mikey a fair amount, especially to Raph. He supports Mikey trying to open the portal in Mystic Mayhem, and going out on his first solo mission in Hot Soup: The Game. We actually need more Leo and Mikey episodes; of the two we have one is a competition episode (You Got Served), and The Gumbus has Leo tag along intent on proving Mikey wrong. It seems they like to hang out during the down time a lot, as they play in the arcade and skateboard off-screen in episodes such as Mrs. Cuddles, You Got Served, Mind Games, and Sparring Partner. And of course, we have the gripping image of Leo protecting Mikey’s shell with his own in Battle Nexus: New York. I’d really like to see them get up to more shenanigans, though. (hint, hint @nickelodeon, @netflix).

Ultimately, Leo is a confident, competitive turtle striving to reach his full potential. He is normally great at encouraging his brothers to do the same, and devising grand strategies, but tends to forget the emotional effects his actions can have on them, especially if he gets carried away on his quest to be The Best. He’s still learning, and these traits will likely flesh out as he grows into a more leader-like role.

For more information on the ESTP and Enneagram 3 personality types, click here:

https://www.16personalities.com/estp-personality

https://www.enneagraminstitute.com/type-3

https://www.crystalknows.com/enneagram/type-3-wing-2

https://ih0.redbubble.net/image.155775924.2701/flat,800x800,070,f.u5.jpg

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luimagines · 3 years

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All Of Her Colors In A Storm

It was raining heavily and cold.

But they had to keep going.They all had to keep walking.

The smell of wet grass and wood on any other rainy day would have been absolutely delightful and calming to Mulan but not today.

Not right now.

Espesically since she wasn't techinacally here.

In fact it only seemed to make the sickly feeling they had inside of them worse like a wet thunderstorm was stirring around inside and out leaving them no place to go or hide.

They were tired,beaten and badly injured.

How did everything end up this way? Oh right it was because of the four swords that they-she?-mulan?-we?-LINK,took and got ourselves split into four separate parts of...us?

It was hard to explain and we just decided to just call each other by designed colors and not think too much on the implications of how different we seemed we were with our personalities compared to each other and “Mulan”,but we still managed to work it out.

They didn’t know how merg themselves back on their own so the group and four decided to try and travel to four’s hyrule and put the sword back into the stone in an attempt to reunite mulan again but somewhere along their adventures they had all gotten separated by the group and were attacked.Yellow got badly hurt and had to be carried by Cyan to safety while Green found an exist and brown fought off the remaining enemies before catching up with the rest..

We didn’t stop walking for hours and were already too tired.

Oh so tired.

They just wanted to rest.

But Brown wouldn’t let them and kept pushing for them to keep going.Saying that the rest of the chain were probably looking for them or waiting for us up ahead and we couldn’t stop because they could move and we’d never be able to catch up or find them ever again.Cyan had started to get tired of carrying Yellow so Green offered up to carry instead but after more hours of trekking in the mud and getting to a rocky clearing they realized something.Or more specifically Brown realized something.

“Oh...I see now.....” Brown said suddenly as she stopped and took in the landscape before turning around and walking the other way.

“Hey wait! Where are you going!” Green cried out.

“We made a wrong turn and need to go the other way,we can make up for time lost if we run the rest of the way back and walk the rest on foot!” Brown replied yelling a bit threw the loud storming pouring down on them.

“Wait,WHAT?? Ok,no,no,no,no,NO! I am done! I am NOT walking another mile back to the way we came, much less run all the way back!” Green stopped dead in her tracks in the mud as Brown continued to pass by her without much change to her almost permanent scowling look of determination on her face.

Cyan’s eyes were feeling baggy but she could still see the shaking arms Green had while carrying Yellow;she couldn’t tell if it was because of the cold weather getting to her or if it was because she was getting tired from carrying Yellow on her back but either way she wordlessly came over and pulled yellow off of her which her duplicate did not put up much of a fight against it since her focus was on Brown.

“HEY BROWN! I SAID I AM NOT GOING ANY FURTHER!” Green took a few steps forward to get close enough for her to hear.

Brown stopped in her tracks,turned around and eyed yellow before scrunching up her face and tilting her head back.

“Very well then,Cyan,get yellow and let’s go.” She turned to start walking again but stopped when Green called out again.

“No!Oh No!Nonononono! She’s not coming either! She is exhausted! We’re exhausted! We’ve been out in the rain for so long! We need to rest! Yellow needs a proper place to rest! We shouldn’t be walking for hours in the cold with open wounds while being sleep deprived!” Green threw her arms in the air frantically and walked closer to Brown as she pushed back strains of wet hair out from infront of her face, then stopped a few feet in front of her.

Brown stared into Green’s face a while before ever so slightly tilted her head to the side to see Cyan holding yellow and still not moving.

“Cyan we are leaving.Get Yellow and let's go.NOW.” She spoke over to Cyan as she gave a stern look before Green walked in front of her blocking her view from the two other girls.

“She is not leaving,Cyan go and put Yellow down to rest, we are not going anywhere.” she pointed over to a tree for Cyan to go to but as soon as she took a step towards the direction brown piped in again.

“No! Cyan we are not staying! The others are looking for us and we need to regroup with them! We don’t have time to rest!” Brown this time taking a side step past Green to try to get to Cyan but was stopped by having her arm grabbed.

“Cyan…” Green gave a gentle nod in her direction to go sit down and rest.

For a second she stood there looking back and forth between the two before deciding to go and lay Yellow under the tree and to begin tending to their wound first.

Brown ripped her arm away from Green once she saw Cyan make her way to the tree and turned to her not quit shouting but her volume very much increasing.

“What’s wrong with you? We need to keep moving! We can’t stop to rest when the other’s could need us right now!”

“We’re not going to be much help if we die from our open wounds! We’ll find them when we have the energy!” Yellow retorted, crossing her arms.

“And you need to rest as well!You need to stop treating yourself and everyone as expendable tools! In fact,I think you treat yourself and us as well worse than expendable tools! because at least their being used only when they're in proper shape, not when they're at their breaking point of no return!” Green shouted as she jabbed a finger into Brown's shoulder.

“Oh,really? I’ve been treating you all as expendable? I apologize,but If you hadn’t realize I am trying to get us all back to the group as quickly as possible so that YELLOW can get treated for her injuries because if you haven’t also already noticed WE ARE OUT OF HEALING POTIONS! We can't sit around using only bandages and gauze to keep her barely afloat from death’s door when we could just get her to Hyrule or the others! But I guess you wouldn’t care about that since you only want to “rrreeeeessst” and use the precious time we have to help her as “expendable sleepy time”, right?” Brown jabbed her finger into Green mimicking the same motion she did to her as before as Green swatted her hand away and said something back.

At this point everything started to get more muffled as Cyan tried to drown out the sounds of their voices while she tended to Yellow. Trying to focus on the wound in their abdomen that was reopening.She pulled out some needles and a small knife then set some bandages and a bottle of alcohol to the side as she got to work.Trying her hardest to not think about before during the fight,to not think about how Green and Brown were fighting again in the back,to not think about how much she missed fluffy and wish he was her to comfort her and not back with the rest of friends who she missed as well.But despite all the emotions swirling up in her head,she kept a straight face and managed to somehow block everything out to help her friend,erm,herself?

Once she was done she looked down at Yellow and furrowed her brows sorrowfully.

‘This is all my fault’ She thought to herself.

She turned to look over to where Green and Brown were and sure enough she saw they were still fighting.

Usually Yellow was the one to break up the fight because they could be a bit terrifying when they were angry,but she wasn’t awake right now.

‘All my fault’ Cyan thought again looking down at Yellow again.

“Oh so you want to start making low blows now? What did your small brute brain run out of excuses as to why we should be forced to keep doing what you want so you resorted to trying to hurt my feelings,hmmm,Brown?Oh wait,I am so sorry,I meant your maaajjeeesty! Because clearly this is a monarchy we’re in and not a team!” Green gave an exaggerated curtsy and bow to brown before straightening up again to stare back at her harshly.

“Oh,did you think that was a low blow? No,no,no that wouldn’t be a low blow.If i wanted to say something to hurt you I would have told you something like that it was a good thing our parents gave us away because I don’t think anyone would be able to physically handle how much of a mess you are much less how much worse you would have been if they raised you.” Brown turned her head back to Green with her eyes squinted slightly and a coy smile creeping its way onto her face as she stood slightly sideways with both arms crossed and head hung slightly low.

A loud audible staggered laugh could be heard

“ OH! OH!OH NO! Ok! OK THEN! FINE!! ALRIGHTY-DITY! WOW,OK!” Green flung her arms back up in the air and walked a few feet away from Brown backwards before spinning around facing away from her then started rolling up her sleeves and readjusted her clothes and armor as she pushed more of her hair back from the rain.

“Oh so you want to go THAT way now,huh?Want to go down the rabbit hole?ok ,ok,ok,I get it! You want to hit deep? You want to go all the way?Let's go then! I am sick and tired of always trying to be reasonable with you every time! You’ve had this one coming for you for a long time now, brown!” she spun back around and walked back to her and stood with hands balled up into fists by her side before she took a breath and exhaled.

Cyan didn’t like where this was going,she turned around and bowed her head down,shut her eyes and cupped her ears. She didn’t want to hear or see how nasty this was going to get.

“They'll stop eventually.They just need to get it out of their systems.They’ll stop and make up,just like they always do.” Cyan muttered to herself trying to keep herself distracted from them,but despite how hard she tried or how loud the storm around them got,it was like their voices got louder and louder with every shout, even if they weren’t getting any closer.

But she couldn’t get involved because she’d just get dragged into their argument.

They’ll stop eventually right?

Cyan was just so tired.

She just wanted to sleep.She missed fluffy.She missed her friends.If Time,Twilight or Warriors were her they would have made them stop by now.

They wanted to do something but they were just too tired.

They just want to rest,just a little bit then they’ll stop them if they're still fighting.

Their eyes started to lulle as she sat by Yellow's sleeping body with her back against a tree and allowed the darkness to take her away.

Cheese you promised me fluffy... you said you were capable and I get this in return?

How dare you hurt our girl!

Cyan honey noooo!!!!!

Someone help Yellow!!

I'm going to fight Brown and Green myself!

#pinky replies #Mulan! Link

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deathtodickens · 3 years

Text

About Ages Chapter 30

It's taking longer than anticipated, obviously, as I've spent the past month or so drawing a lot. My brain doesn't move well between the two things, writing a lot and drawing a lot. Or I haven't figured out how to get it to do that in a more time-efficient manner.

I've recently gone back into writing mode and figured it's been four years... almost five. I'll post some bits and pieces.

I am about 90% done with this chapter. It's the last stretch of 10 that I have to get through and that's taking some time.

If you're new to Ages, you can find it on AO3. It starts when Myka is nine years old and, in this latest chapter, Myka turns 21.

***

“I’m trying to take you away from this place so that I can be a certain way with you after three months of being away from you—"

“Be a certain way with me?”

“Have my certain way with you, actually. And you’re picking fights, long wordy fights, with your stepmother. I don’t want to sit through another lecture, Myka,” the irony, Myka thinks, as she is being lectured, “I want to steal you away from this place, undress you, and be this certain way with you. Then I want to fall asleep in your arms for twelve hours straight because I am physically exhausted, you are emotionally exhausted and, for once in our lives, I don’t have a flight to catch tomorrow.”

Myka hadn’t even thought about how much time they might not have until now. She hadn’t even thought to ask. She just assumed it wouldn’t be enough because it never is enough. There is never enough time for them to just be.

Helena has Myka backed against the inside of her bedroom door. She is stunned by Helena’s need to take control of this situation, or just pretending to be stunned. What she truly is, is tired and she doesn’t have the energy to fight for that control. She is happy to leave all of this, Helena’s certainties about ways in which she wants to be with Myka, in her very capable and long-missed hands.

For the first time, in a long time, Helena is grasping at Myka’s hips, moving searching hands around Myka’s waist. And Myka is reflecting on the way Helena’s hands move around her, holding her tight, pulling their hips closer together. The way Helena doesn’t move her hands any lower than the small of her back. The way Helena putting limitations on her own access to Myka’s ways is still giving Myka all of the control.

There is so much warmth, desire, and pleasure, even in this small touch. In Helena’s need to hold herself back for the sake of Myka’s comfort.

“Helena,” comes out a breathy exasperation between Myka’s lips. She doesn’t mean to say it this certain way, she’s just exhausted all over. And after all of that whatever it was with Jane, there is very little else that Myka wants to say.

All of the fighting and arguing puts her in a really bad place but it also puts her in exactly the place for this situation. This certain way Helena is trying to be with her. Where Myka gives up control to Helena and allows herself to be taken care of, rather than doing all of the care taking.

“I realized something in these last three months we’ve been apart,” Helena says softly. “You’re always doing all of the talking. I can never get a word in edgewise. For a girl who never used to say a word to me, it’s funny that you’re always the one talking now. Telling me why we don’t work, reminding me why we’re not together, avoiding my touch.”

“I’m not avoiding your touch,” Myka smiles, “I just prefer to be the one doing the touching.”

Helena squints at her but doesn’t respond to that. “You know what else I realized?”

Helena is close enough to kiss and Myka tries to do just that, but Helena pulls away with a smile, biting down on her lip.

“I don’t tell you enough how beautiful you are.”

Myka laughs. “You have me confused with the other, actually pretty daughter, in this family.”

“I definitely do not have you confused with your little sister, Myka,” Helena says this suddenly serious, annoyed, rolling her eyes.

Myka shakes her head and huffs out a breath of amusement.

Helena squints at her again and tilts her head and that’s beautiful, that gesture, the expression that pretends to be annoyed by anything Myka does. She is the beautiful one. There’s no reason both things cannot be true but Myka doesn’t believe herself to be beautiful. Certainly not more so than so many of the people Helena has known and loved. Not enough to even compare.

“That you think I’m joking is only further motivation to prove to you that I am, in fact, not.”

“I believe that you believe it,” Myka whispers, testing Helena’s commitment to this fantasy, “doesn’t make it true.”

Helena sighs. “You are beautiful, Myka. More and more beautiful every time I see you. Even when you’re frustrated and feeling vulnerable. Like now.”

Myka looks away.

“I know you don’t want to hear this, but I think you were right about not knowing how you’d feel, about your father’s death. You were right, more than you expected to be. You didn’t know how you’d feel then. You don’t know how it’s impacting you now. But I think it’s hitting you in a way you can’t easily see or… don’t want to.”

“Maybe you just think too much?”

“Maybe Jane was right about you hurting the people you love the most?”

Myka looks away again but says, “Why should it hit me at all? I’m not sad he’s gone.”

“Who said anything about you being sad, Myka? It could be anything. Frustrated? Lost? Untethered?” Myka laughs at that last suggestion. It could almost be true. It’s the closest, she thinks, any word has come to explaining how she feels right now even if she’s a little bit offended by the implication Warren still has that much control over her. “And how could it not impact you? He was your father.”

Myka inhales deeply.

“Why else would you treat Jane the way you did?”

“I didn’t treat her any kind of way,” Myka’s eyes are back on Helena now. Challenging. “She’s drinking and picking fights.”

“Myka. You called her an alcoholic, in so many words, over a glass of wine. You accused her of not loving your mother enough to want to be with her. You told her to break up with her. Jane? I grew up admiring the love she has for your mother, I know you saw it, too. I know that you know it’s different.”

“You’re not here, Helena, you wouldn’t know. They’ve been arguing a lot.”

Helena puffs out a small laugh, lowering her head for a moment. Causing all of those too-short bangs to fall into her face.

“Because arguing with someone means that you don’t love them,” Helena says as Myka reaches up to push Helena’s hair back behind her ear.

“That’s probably how they lost Claudia.”

“Is that what you think?” Helena asks, her gaze moving back up. Myka doesn’t acknowledge that question. “Is that part of the reason for this?” Helena asks, pointing to Myka’s forehead and setting a gentle finger over a crinkle of frustration. “Because you think they’re to blame for Claudia being away?”

“You’re not here,” Myka repeats softly, bringing her hands to Helena’s shoulders, not knowing where else to place them.

“I know,” Helena whispers, her hold on Myka’s waist tightening, pulling them closer together, “and I’m sorry for that. I will never stop being sorry for leaving you.” Their foreheads come together, the tips of their noses touch. “Can I kiss you?”

Myka doesn’t know why she asks. Why she thinks she needs to but because she does, because whatever she’s trying to do with or to Myka would swiftly translate into her winning this discussion, (and Myka’s sure this is, somehow, a race) Myka says, “No.”

Helena smiles at that answer. At the force behind its delivery.

Myka doesn’t expect Helena to step back, to completely remove her hands from Myka’s waist, or her lips from their proximity to Myka’s lips. Helena takes a whole step back and leans against the wall adjacent to Myka’s bedroom door.

“Myka, we both know that you can argue with someone you love without falling out of love with them. It sounds like Jean and Jane are just under a lot of stress. Your mother is grieving, and Jane is just trying to give her space to do that. Even if she’s a little hurt that your mother still has this connection with your father.”

Myka sighs her frustration.

“See? Frustrated. And beautiful.”

“I’d be less frustrated if you weren’t trying to make out with me while having a deeply emotional conversation about all three of my parents.”

Helena smiles and blinks ever so slowly and says, “I’m sorry,” followed by, “did you mean it?”

“Mean what?” Myka moves to lean her side against that wall, too, still facing Helena.

“No kiss?”

“In thirteen years, have I ever meant it?”

“You’ve never said it to me before.”

Myka sighs and turns so that her back is against the wall now, “You already kissed me. So why are you asking now?”

“It’s called consent, Myka.”

Myka turns to Helena with an annoyed look and tells her to shut her pretty mouth.

“I’m not trying to be funny,” Helena says, even as she is laughing. She reaches a hand down toward Myka’s leg and extends a single finger to touch, gently, the skin just below Myka’s dress. Myka can see beyond the warmth and the desire now. She can see that there is fire in Helena’s eyes. That she has been waiting, far longer than those three months since they’d last seen each other, to be here with Myka, like this. “I mean it. And I’m asking because it won’t just be a kiss.”

Myka saves her the trouble, for now.

She moves in, with her back still against the wall, closer to Helena and presses a light kiss to the other woman’s lips. It reminds her of a time in high school, when they would stand this way outside of Vanessa’s class waiting for the bell to ring. Myka had only dreamt of what this might feel like back then, to have the nerve to be in control, to kiss this very woman who stands before her, without hesitation or intimidation.

As they part in the present, more of Helena’s fingers extend to the skin of Myka’s leg, just below her dress. Reaching and curling toward black fabric. Lifting the edge of her dress up.

“So you ask for a kiss,” Myka smiles, “but you cop a feel with no warning?”

Every hint of Helena’s teasing smile is gone now. She is looking back at Myka with a burn in her eyes that Myka hasn’t seen in years.

“I’m sorry,” Helena says again, softly.

Myka doesn’t know why she keeps apologizing. Why this is a thing she suddenly does, and with such ease, now. Helena clears her throat and removes her touch from Myka’s leg and Myka instantly regrets saying anything at all. That playful mood of Helena’s has slipped entirely away. Disintegrated before her eyes.

Helena stands straight and moves herself in front of Myka.

“I don’t know how to ask you what I want to ask of you, so I’m just going to say what I think will best relay what it is that I want.” Myka waits, brow arched, as Helena leans in close to whisper, eyes closed, almost against Myka’s lips. “I’ll go slow and you tell me when you want me to stop.”

Myka grins as she plucks a perfect memory from the recesses of her mind. She tells Helena, just as softly, just as close, “Someone once told me we don’t have to be so cryptic about sex.”

“You can’t take the dress off.”

“Wait, are you just turned on because I’m wearing a dress?”

Helena says nothing but puts a few inches of space between them, bites down on her lower lip.

“For the record, I’m not judging you. It’s just new,” Myka thinks, “because I don’t ever wear a dress.”

“I won’t lie to you. And you did wear a dress at Jeannie’s wedding. But you took it off before we had reconciled entirely.”

“Wow,” Myka’s smile grows wide, thinking back to where they were just three months ago, “you were undressing me with your eyes during Jeannie’s wedding, weren’t you?”

Helena is quiet and staring again.

“I’m not a toy, Helena.” Myka teases.

“Oh, shut your beautiful mouth.”

#bering and wells #age gap fic #the age gap fic #dickens's #dickens writes

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mythiccheroacademia · 4 years

Text

Beach Waves and Happiness

a little self-indulgent something i was hoarding in my documents and decided to share. maybe or maybe not bc i felt bad bc of all the angst i was posting. i hope you all enjoy it :)

A/N: In my mind, I imagine that Bakugo and his spouse would certainly have a bumpy marriage. I headcanon that his spouse is as headstrong as he is, if not stronger. They need to be in order to handle all that is Bakugo Katsuki lmao. But they grow with each day and are their strongest together. He’s also matured by then, so it’ll always work out in the end.

A little context. You and Katsuki have been married for a couple of years and have kids. Koji and Eva. Twins. Not much else to say but enjoy this sweet, sugary, domestic fic.

Warnings: Mentions of intimacy, cursing

Beach Waves and Happiness (Bakugo X Reader)

When the twins were old enough to walk and (mostly) potty-trained, that’s when you started taking trips. You were so excited to spend time as a family apart from dinner and bath time. Katsuki was excited to see you in a swimsuit again.

And family time as well!

Their first international trip was to Hawaii. Your husband had been a couple times and thought it would be a good and family-friendly vacation spot. You grew up on the beach so being on the island was perfect for you. Katsuki saw how you flourished under the sun, with the salty wind tousling your braids and the white sand on your feet. As you took your children to the waves, smiling like the sun as they squealed from the water, he felt heart swell with pride.

He never wanted to take for granted what he had been given.

“It tickles!” Eva, the eldest twin, giggled.

Koji was a bit hesitant to touch the water but gained confidence when he felt his sister grab his hand. When the waves began to roll in, they screamed with excitement and ran the other way. They continued their game of chase whiles their mother watched them with a smile.

Feeling eyes on yourself, you caught your husband’s adoring gaze and goofily posed. “Take a picture. It’ll last longer,” you joked.

And moment ruined. He rolled his eyes, shaking his head as he walked by your side. Katsuki placed his hand on your waist, inviting you to lean on his shoulder. You two stood there for a moment, letting the sound of your children’s laughter and waves settle between them.

“Don’t you wish we could just stay here forever?” you suddenly said.

“All the time, but money doesn’t grow on trees. You actually have to work for stuff.”

“Imagine that.” You raised your head catching Katsuki’s eyes. He hummed for your thoughts. “Nothing. Just kind of taking in everything. I feel at peace. More than I have in a long time.”

It was meant to be happy words, but it made the blonde hero deflate just a bit. A thought had been gnawing at his heart for a while and he found he could no longer hold in his question.

“[Y/N], are you happy?”

That got you to pause. You turned to hold his waist with your arms. “The short answer is yes, but what do you mean?” you said, eyeing how contemplative he looked.

Katsuki felt himself absent-mindedly play with your hair as he stared where the sand met the waves. He was never good with his words but damn it. He needed to know. Even if it could hurt him.

“It’s just…I know being with me isn’t the easiest.”

“Katsuki, if this is about our fight, I told you—”

“No. I mean yes, but not entirely. Let me just get this out.” You sighed but nodded. “When I asked you to move in with me, I half expected you to say no. But you did. And I know being thousands of miles away from your friends and family is shitty. Especially in Japan where you might feel alone. I mean, I know you made friends with Deku, Cheeks, Pinky, and all those idiots but it’s different. It’s not your home. But you never complain. You always adjust. Even after we got married and had children, and you felt like you were suffocating under all the responsibility when I was being a shit ass husband and father, you never said anything until you were at your breaking point.”

It pained him to remember how he didn’t know you were going through postpartum depression until it got so bad, he’d wake up to find you sobbing in the living room by yourself. Or when your mother called him five months into the marriage and nearly cussed him dead for her daughter feeling like she couldn’t even tell him she was going through a hard time. Sternly reminding him that you dropped everything to move to Japan for his career. That’s when she accidentally slipped that you were pregnant.

He was still young at the time and in the midst of a stressful time in his career. When he confronted you about it, he admitted he did more yelling than he should have. You took your ring off and he felt his heartbreak for the first time. You said you’d stay at a hotel, but he begged you to stay in the house and he left for his parent’s house. It was a tough week. One of the toughest weeks in your relationship. However, you preserved. As always.

Although, Katsuki still saw how exhausted you were. Even when he gave more than 100%, you were still tired, and he had a feeling it wasn’t physical exhaustion.

Your husband tucked a braid behind your ear and the look he gave you made your chest pinch. “I just don’t want you to get to your breaking point with me and before I can help it, lose you and the twins,” he said, voice barely above the sound of the sea.

There was only a small amount of times you’d see him so open about his feelings. Sometimes you’d admit you didn’t handle it well. Thus, the fights. You and your husband weren’t good at expressing your emotions properly and learning to do so was a journey. However, you always appreciated his willingness to grow—whether it was before or after the matter.

“Baby,” you cooed, softly kissing the corner of his lips. “Let’s get one thing straight. I’d have to be the coldest, most heartless, bitch on the planet to keep you away from Eva and Koji. No matter what happens to us, you’re still their father. A good one at that, and I would never separate you three. Besides, my mom and yours would hang me before I could.”

He chuckled. He knew you were only half-joking. Your parents were alike in more ways than one. It was kind of scary, but good for family gatherings.

“And, if I’m going to be honest, it was really hard at first. Sometimes, I thought I made the wrong decision, but then you’d come home, and we’d spend hours talking and every day I was reminded why I did it. The way your eyes would light up every time you’d talk about work made my heart flutter. Then you’d turn around, look at me, and tell me how being at your side made everything better. When I couldn’t tell you how useless I felt, you’d just know and make me feel on top of the world. When I’m hard on myself, you’re there to bully the insecurities out. I see the little things you do like buy more tampons and pads, without me having to ask, when I run low, wash the dishes as soon as you come home because you know I hate doing them, or turn the fan off in the middle of the night when I shiver, even when you’re hot.

We butt heads. We fight for sure. And we kind of suck ass at dealing with our feelings. But not for one moment did I stop loving you any less. Maybe I didn’t like you all the time,” she snickered and Katsuki snorted. “But I loved you. I love you. And I know you love me all the same.”

Katsuki didn’t know why he had been blessed, especially since he wasn’t the best person in his past. However, he never questioned it. He just cherished.

With no other way to properly express his gratitude, he pulled you closer and he pressed a heart-stopping kiss to your lips. You moaned, gripping his bicep, as he tilted your head, one hand under your chin and the other on the small of your back. Katsuki pulled back, your bottom lip between his teeth, to gaze at you in a way that warmed your body.

“Till death do us part, huh?” he smiled.

“You’re kinda stuck with me even after that.”

“Wouldn’t have it any other way.”

“Who knew you could be so corny?” you chuckled.

A hand came down on your ass and you gasped, laughing at his antics. “Don’t ruin the moment, dumbass.”

You continued your kissing, smirking between them. “You’re lucky you have a big dic—”

A tug at your skirt brought you two out of your…conversation.

It was Koji.

“Momma! We build castle!” he cheerfully smiled. Then he dropped his smile in 0.3 seconds and frowned at his father. “N’ you! Daddy no eat momma. We talk about dis.”

You snickered behind your hands as Katsuki’s eye twitched. Your son was at the age where he was forming an Oedipus complex. He and Katsuki had a thirty-minute conversation about him trying to “eat you” and “killing you” at night. It was endearing for you and annoying for him.

“Fine, you little brat. We’re watching your dumb castle,” he grumbled.

“You dumb!” Eva retaliated for her brother. Koji hmphed in agreement before running back to his sister.

You were openly cracking up and Katsuki was steaming.

“I’m glad you find this funny, jerk,” he mumbled.

“Hilarious actually.”

There was a moment of comforting silence.

“What was that about my big—”

“Koji! Your daddy’s tryna kill me again!”

“What the—? No I’m not!”

“DADDY!”

#bakugo katsuki #katsuki bakugou x reader #bnha #mha #mha scenarios #mha fanfiction #mha x poc!reader #mha x black reader #katsuki x black!reader #mha domestic #katsuki domestic #he's domestic af #mha children #one-shot

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yayeetsonny · 4 years

Text

Family~Krashlyn x Baby Reader

Prompt: Baby r is super short (shorter than Crystal lol), she is super close with Ali and Ash, they are like parents to her since her home life isn't great and her actual parents suck ass. She’s bummed about a father daughter dance and tries to hide it but Ash and Ali get her to spill. Ash saves the day

Requested By: Anonymous

TW: Mentions of Neglect, verbal and emotional abuse and Anxiety. Brief depictions Verbal/emotional and brief physical abuse.

Y/N PRO//

I have always been jealous of kids whose parents are actually decent human beings. Jealous of those who have a good relationship with their parents and their mom and dad are actually nice to them and care about them. My parents are all about themselves, they never make time for me and I’m pretty sure if they had it their way they would have abandon me years ago. The only reason they haven’t is because of their precious “Image” They are some pretty powerful people in the business world and they don’t want their reputations ruined by any bad publicity. They see me as secondary to their company, and they are always leaving me alone in the house for long stretches of time. On the off chance they are home they make a point to tell me how pathetic I am and how I’m useless or worth nothing. They admonish me for my grades in school even when I’m doing really well and they call my social anxiety “ridiculous” and tell me I need to “get over it.”

My life isn’t all bad though. I have made a pretty good name for myself, I’m a pro soccer player in the NWSL for the Orlando Pride and I play on the National team. Even at the tender age of 15, I have been afforded all these amazing opportunities and I have several college scholarships waiting for me. It’s amazing, and I have some of the best people in the world supporting me and my dreams. My Pride teammates of course and my national teammates as well, they’ve all be my anchors through everything but 2 people have always stood out above the rest. My teammates and ‘moms’ Ali Krieger and Ashlyn Harris. They are my biggest role models and the parents I’ve always wanted. I would not be where I am without them. I don’t speak very much around anyone but them but everyone else understands and doesn’t push me to talk.

Speaking of those two I’m currently smooshed in a Krashlyn sandwich as I make my way onto the field for Pride practice.

“Hey shorty! Good to see you!” Ash said

“Hey baby girl, How was school?” Ali asked

“Hey guys, good to see you too. School was okay.” I said once they pulled away

“Just okay? Why’s that?”

They looked at me concerned. They both knew about my social anxiety and how sometimes school was really hard for me. I only shrugged in return.

“Come on Y/N, what is it?”

They got me to move over to a bench and sit in between them.

I once again only shrugged.

“Please tell us?”

I let out a tired sigh but knew I could trust them with anything.

“ My anxiety was getting in the way of a lot today.” I said, suddenly finding my shoes very interesting.

“Hey…”

Ali put her finger under my chin and gently lifted my head so we’d make eye contact.

“What have we talked about when it comes to your anxiety?”

“That it doesn’t define me and that it’s okay if I have hard days sometimes.” I mumbled

“And what else?” Ashlyn chimed in

“And that I can always talk to you guys about it and that I don’t need to be ashamed of it. I know, I just don’t want you guys to think I’m weak or-”

“Hey, no. Don’t do that to yourself.”

“We know not everyday is going to be happy, full of sunshine and rainbows. That doesn’t make you any less strong and it most certainly doesn’t make you weak.”

“Thanks guys. I needed that reminder.” I said wiping the tear that had started to fall.

“We’ll always be here to let you know just how great you are.” Ashlyn smiled softly at me

“You ready to practice or do you need a minute?”

“I’m ready.”

I stood up, shook out any extra nerves and Ali leaned down to kiss me on the head.

“You know, kid… you’re really short.” She laughed

“I know.” I giggled

“I’m pretty sure you’re shorter than Crystal.” Ashlyn chuckled

“No way!”

“Yeah I think so! She’s what… 5’0 feet even? How tall are you?”

“4’9 and 1/2” I mumbled

“Oh man! You are short.”

“It’s not funny!”

I pouted at them as they continued to laugh at me but after a moment I smiled and joined in.

“Okay, okay. Time to get to work kids.” Ali said

“Yes mom” Ash and I said

We made our way to the center of the field where the rest of our teammates were. Alex Morgan and Carson Pickett among them.

“Hey, Krashlyn! Mini Krashlyn!” Carson Pickett said, excitedly running up and giving us all a hug.

“Hi.” I said

“Hey guys! Hey mini K, how you been?” Alex asked coming up and also giving us hugs.

The Pride and national team all called me “Mini Krashlyn” or “Mini K” because they know how close I am with Ash and Ali and they consider us “America’s cutest family.” It’s a little silly but mostly really cute.

I waved and gave her a thumbs up.

She smiled at me softly in return

We were interrupted by coach telling us to get to work.

“Alright ladies! Let’s go, you know the drill. Warm up and then get on the line!”

I rolled my eyes at the thought of doing suicides or sprints first but did as told. After we warmed up I got on the line in between Alex and Ali. Ashlyn was on Alex’s other side and our other teammates filled the rest of the line.

“You ready, kid?” Alex asked

I nodded and smiled in return.

Coach Skinner blew his whistle and we were off. We started out with sprints and then moved to suicides. By the end everyone was panting and trying to catch their breath. Well everyone except for Marta, she looked barley winded.

I just shook my head at her.

She shrugged in return, smirking at me. After a quick water break we moved onto drills. We went through, passing, defending and shooting drills and then a scrimmage before coach called it a day. We said good bye to our teammates before Ash and Ali gave me a ride home.

“You did good today, kid.”

“Thanks.”

The ride to my house was in relatively comfortable silence with just the radio softly playing in the background but no one seemed to mind. Once they pulled up and stopped at the curb I got out and grabbed my stuff from the back.

“Bye guys. I’ll see you tomorrow. Thanks for the ride.”

“Y/N, wait.” Ash stopped me before I could go any further

“Are you sure, you don’t wanna just spend the night at our place?”

I had told them that my parents were out of town and they knew what that meant. They tried to let me handle things how I saw fit but since I was only 15 they worried about me being alone for too long and sometimes convinced me to stay with them for a few days.

“Yeah, I’m sure. Thanks for the offer though. My parents should be home tonight.”

“Are you sure? They don’t seem to commit to being home on time and we-”

“Ash I’m good. I promise. See you tomorrow.” I cut her off

I could tell they were conflicted about leaving me here but I gave them the best reassuring smile I could and they let it go.

“See you tomorrow, Y/N. We love you.”

“I love you guys too.”

I closed the car door, they waited for me to unlock my door before driving off. When I got inside I dropped my bag on the floor and sunk down next to it. My parents were actually coming home today and I wasn’t really looking forward to seeing them.

I knew I needed to clean the house a little bit, so after sitting for a while longer I got up and got to cleaning. After a couple hours everything seemed to be the way they liked it, spotless. So I deemed it done and went to put away the supplies. As I was doing that I heard the front door open and rushed to finish putting everything away. I then made sure I looked “presentable” and made my way to the front of the house.

“Hi, mom. Hi dad. How was your trip?” I said as I came face to face with them for the first time in 2 weeks.

“Is the house clean?” My father asked completely ignoring what I said

“Yes sir.”

“It better be.”

My mom did little to even acknowledge my presence, only going as far to hand me her luggage and point upstairs. She then followed my father as he inspected my cleaning job. I rolled my eyes but brought her bag up anyways. I would have taken my dad’s too but he hates when I touch his stuff.

“Y/N M/N L/N!” dad yelled from wherever there were in the house. Oh man, he sounds really mad.

I went downstairs, and after searching for a minute I found them in the guest room.

“Yes sir?”

“What is this?” He asked sharply, showing me his hand that had a white glove with dust on it.

“Dust, sir.”

“And why is there dust in this room?” His voice was dangerously low.

“I-I’m sorry sir, I did the best that I could.”

“Yeah, well your best isn’t good enough! You worthless waste of space. Clean the whole house again!”

“The whole house? But sir it’s just a little dust, I can-”

I didn’t get to finish because I felt a stinging sensation in my cheek and only after did I realize he had slapped me. I was dumbfounded, he had never done that before, he’d only ever yell at me and break the occasional vase but I never thought he’d actually hit me.

“Don’t ever talk to me like that again.” He growled

I didn’t realize that I started crying.

“Stop crying before I give you something to really cry about.”

I stood there, stunned. I knew my parents were awful but I never thought either of them would put their hands on me. I wasn’t sure what to do, I wanted to call Ash and Ali but decided against it because I knew that they would most likely want to kill my father for this. I really wish my parents loved me.

I did what my father said and cleaned the whole house again but this time I paid extra attention to the guest room and when it was finished I decided to go to bed. I could have eaten dinner but I was too exhausted to even try.

The next day…

At school I stayed more to myself than usual and made no real effort to talk to anyone. I was just walking to my next class when a very cheery girl, who looked to be a senior came up to me and in a cheery voice said

“Hey! The father daughter dance is next week on Friday night, don’t miss out!”

She then handed me a flyer and all but, skipped away. I stood there for a moment wondering how someone could be so… happy, then I looked at the flyer and it read

“Spring Father-Daughter Dance! Next Friday, the 18th at 7! Don’t miss it!”

I just scoffed at the idea of attending it with my dad, there was no way he would take me or even consider it. I just crumpled up the flyer and shoved it in my bag. Stupid dance, stupid flyer.

I carried on with the rest of my day continuing to keep to myself. As much as I hated to admit it; I really wanted to go to the dance. I always wondered what a father-daughter dance was like and wish more than anything my dad actually carried enough to go. I knew that would never happen so I just continued to sulk about it until the school day was over.

When I got home I wasn’t surprised to find that my parents were gone, again and they wouldn’t be back for awhile. So I decided to call Ashlyn and Ali. Ali picked up on the first ring.

“Y/N?”

“Hi Ali, um- well, m-my parents left and they won’t be back for a-awhile and I was wondering if I could stay with you guys? I know we normally just have dinner together on Tuesdays but I just thought that w-we could-”

“Y/N! It’s okay, yes of course you can stay with us. We’ll be there in 15 minutes.” She said cutting off my rambling.

“Okay, thank you.”

I let out a breath I didn’t know I was holding.

“Of course Y/N. See you soon.”

“See you.”

After we hung up I went to go pack a bag and I couldn’t help but have a bounce in my step as I did. The 15 minutes flew by and before I knew it I was meeting Ash and Ali out front and they were putting my bag in the car.

“You, okay?” Ashlyn asked coming around and giving me a hug

“Yeah. I’m okay.”

“How was school?” Ali asked as I got in the car.”

At the mention of school I went silent. I had forgotten about the sour mood it had put me in but now I remembered why and became sad all over again.

“Y/N?”

“Hmm?”

“I asked you how school was?” Ali turned off the car and turned around in her seat.

“Oh, it was fine.” I said trying not to look at either of them.

“Are you sure? You seem upset about it.” Ash said

“Yeah I’m sure. Nothing upsetting me today!” I said hoping they would believe me.

Ashlyn PRO//

Ali and I shared a worried glance as we watched Y/N avoid our eyes. We knew something was bothering her but didn’t want to push, so we just let it go and see if she would tell us on her own. The drive back to our house was quiet and not in a good way. I really hoped Y/N would open up to us soon, I hated when things got awkward between her, Ali and I.

When we got back to the house Y/N got out, without a word, got her stuff and headed to the garage, waiting for us to open it to let her in. After Ali and I once again shared a worried glance we opened it so she could go in and she did, presumably disappearing to the guest room.

“Do you have any Idea what could be bothering her?”

“Not a clue.”

“Do you think her anxiety is acting up?”

“No… Well maybe but we just talked about that yesterday. She knows she doesn’t have to hide that from us.”

“Hmm… I’m sure she’ll tell us when she’s ready.”

We talked for a few more minutes before heading inside. We decided to leave Y/N be and get started on dinner. After we were done we called her into the dinning room and we sat down to eat. We knew school was possibly a sensitive topic but since she said it was “fine” we decided to ask about her day anyway.

“So… learn anything new in school?”

“W-we learned about fossils.” She mumbled

“That’s cool! Anything exciting happen?”

She once again looked uncomfortable and I started to think this may have been a bad idea.

“N-nope. Nothing.”

“Y/N are you sure you’re okay?” I asked

“Ash…” Ali said, putting her hand on my arm.

“What? I just want make sure she’s okay.”

“I’m fine. School was fine.”

“Why do you seem so bothered every time we ask about it then?”

“I don’t know.”

She looked down at her shoes and I knew her facade was starting to waver. I didn’t want to push but I was starting to become really concerned.

“Hey… What is it?”

“It’s no big deal.”

“Anything bothering you is a big deal.”

“I’m fine.” She said but her voice cracked, giving away how she really felt

“We all know that’s not true. Y/N, please talk to us. It’s okay.”

“There’s a father-daughter dance next Friday.” She said quietly

“Oh, babe. Why didn’t you tell us?”

“Because it’s stupid. Not like I have a dad to go with anyways.” She said angrily

“Hey, no… It’s not stupid, not if it was bothering you and you want to go. Do you?”

“Yeah but it doesn’t matter. My dad would never willingly go.”

“I’m sorry he treats you so poorly it’s not fair.” I paused for a moment before coming up with an idea. I decided to keep it a secret for now and tell Ali later when Y/N goes to bed.

“It is what it is.” She mumbled

“Well, what if we had a movie night to cheer you up?” I said

“Thanks guys, but I think I’m just gonna go to bed. May I be excused?”

“Sure, kiddo.”

We smiled sympathetically at her as she made her way to the guest room. As soon as the door shut I turned to Ali with a big grin on my face.

“What?”

“I have an idea, but we have to keep it a secret from Y/N.”

“Okay? What is it?”

“We hold our own dance right here. On the same night as the father daughter one!”

“Ash, that’s brilliant!”

“i know, but shhh, we can’t let her know.”

“When did she say it was?”

“Next Friday.”

“Perfect. I have some calls to make.”

After talked more about the plan, we agreed to call all of our teammates, from both the Pride and the national team. I started with Alex since she was on both teams.

“Hey Al?”

“Hi Ash, what’s up?”

“Well, I’m planning a dance for Y/N. With Ali’s help of course. It’s next week on Friday night. She’s bummed about the father-daughter dance at school and I thought we could throw a better one to cheer her up.”

“Ash that’s so thoughtful. Do you need help with decorations and that kind of stuff?”

“That would be great, yeah.”

“I’m on it and I’ll text everyone and tell them not to spill the beans.”

“Thanks Al.”

“Anytime. Ahhh, she’s gonna love it.” She squealed

“I hope so. Bye Alex.” I chuckled

“Bye Ash.”

The plan was in motion and I couldn’t be more excited. We just had to keep it a secret for a week. That couldn’t be that hard.

It was very hard.

We had contacted everyone from both teams and the majority of them said they could make it, some were flying in a few days early, to come visit us and to say Y/N was confused and suspicious was an understatement. She had almost caught me talking about it on the phone several times but I convinced her it was something else. But when players started showing up she grew even more suspicious.

Hey Y/N, good to see ya!” Tobin said as she and Christen made their way into our house.

“Hi?”

“You not happy to see us?” She teased

“No, I am b-but Ash said no one was coming to visit.” she said turning to me, narrowing her eyes.

“Well we decided to surprise you, surprise!” Chris said

“So... You, Tobin, kelley, Emily, Lindsey, and Alyssa all decided to surprise me?”

“Yes?”

“Hmmm. Well thanks for coming. I’ve missed you guys.”

“We missed you too!”

The next few days flew by and by Friday everything was set to be perfect. Ali took Y/N out for the day so we could set everything up. Our Orlando Pride teammates, along with the national teammates who had flown in early were helping. Everyone else would be landing in a couple hours.

“Ash where should we hang this banner?” Christen asked, holding up the “mommy-daughter dance” banner we made.

“Right over there, above the fountain.” I said.

We were planning to have it in the backyard so everyone could fit into the space. We compiled a playlist of songs that Y/N loved along with a few that were about a mother and daughter so that we could have to special dance they had at the father-daughter dances. We also strung up some twinkly lights and made sure the yard would be as lit up as possible. While this was mostly my idea Ali and the others really helped me put everything together and I was grateful for all their help.

Ali and I agreed that I would dance with Y/N first and then she would.

“Ash, When are the others supposed to get here?”

“By 5:00. Why?”

“Ali says Y/N wants to come home now.” Alex said

“Shit. What time is it?”

“4:15.”

“Okay, that’s not too bad. But how are we gonna hide all of this?” I gestured to all the decorations and food that was set up.

“I have no idea.”

“Oooo I know!” Tobin said

“What do you got, T?”

“I’ll just convince her to play Mario Cart with me, distract her from looking at the yard, and give you, Ali and everyone else enough time to get ready.”

“That’s perfect! But what about you?”

“Oh, don’t worry. I have a perfect outfit already lined up and it’ll only take me 5 minutes to change.”

“Jeans and a T-shirt huh?”

“Yeah...”

Alex and I chuckled. Of course, classic Tobin.

Time continued to fly by and before I knew it, Y/N and Ali were home and Tobin whisked her away to play video games.

“Wow Ash, this is amazing.” Ali marveled at our handy work.

“Thanks babe, you think she’ll like it?”

“She’ll love it.” She kissed me gently.

5:00 o’clock came around and everyone else started to arrive. Tobin did a good job of keeping Y/N away from the commotion and I told everyone to come in through the side gate.

“You did good, Harris” Megan said, patting me on the back.

“Thanks, Pinoe.”

Everyone started to get ready, taking turns in the bathroom or our room. Ali and I the last to get ready. When I was sure everyone was good, and everything was set I texted Tobin letting her know it was go time.

“Okay everyone! Thank you for coming! Y/N will be out here any minute so get ready to surprise her.”

Everyone left through the side gate to wait until I gave them the signal to come in and I stood right in the middle of the yard, waiting for Tobin to bring out Y/N. I heard the door to the yard open and adjusted my bow tie when I noticed it was crooked.

“Okay kid, don’t peek yet okay?” I heard Tobin say.

“Tobyyy... where are we going?”

“Just one second... Okay open!”

When she did, the look on Y/N’s face was one that I would never forget. Her eyes sparkled as took everything in and when she saw me standing there, she started to tear up. She really started to cry when she saw the banner we made.

“Mommy-daughter dance. Ash... You did this for me?”

“Of course kiddo. I wanted you to have a special night tonight, even if it meant you didn’t go to the dance at your school.”

“This is so much better, thank you!”

She ran to me and jumped in my arms. I caught her with ease and spun her around, peppering her face with kisses as she giggled.

“Anything for you baby girl.”

“Where’s Ali?”

“She is here, that’s actually the other part of the suprise. Ali! Guys!” I called out to them.

Everyone walked through the gate, Y/N gasping as they did.

“Oh my god. Guys?! What are you all doing here?”

“Well... we know this is a mommy-daughter dance but we wanted to be here for your special night.”

“Thank you!”

“We wouldn’t miss this for the world.” Alex said softly

Y/N PRO//

I was overflowing with emotions, I had never felt so loved in my life. I hugged everyone and thanked them for coming before finally getting to Ali. She smiled at me with tears in her eyes and opened her arms, which I quickly ran into.

Ali... how can I thank you?”

“Save a dance for me?” She giggled

“Of course.”

“As much as I would love to chat with you, I think someone is waiting for you on the dance floor.” She said pointing at Ash. I looked back at her hesitant to leave.

“I don’t mind at all. Go have fun, we’ll dance soon.”

“Thank you mama, I love you.” I said before kissing her on the cheek and running off to dance with Ashlyn. That was the first time I had ever called her mama but I thought it was a fitting title and her and Ash are the parents I’ve always wanted

I joined Ash on the dance floor and she signaled to someone to change the song to a slow one. She smiled down at me as she took my hands in hers. Our height difference made it so I was definitely going to be stepping on her toes but she didn’t seem to mind.

“Thank you for all of this, mommy. I was so bummed about missing the other dance but I couldn’t be happier.” I said softly. I saw suprise cross her face at the new name I had given her but she embraced it without hesitation.

“I’m so glad, little one. Your mama and I love you so much. We always will.”

“I love you both more than I’ll ever be able to explain. You guys are the parents I’ve always wanted and the family I’ve always needed.” I said getting emotional.

“Family. Always.”

Sorry for any mistakes - N

#uswnt imagines #uswnt #krashlyn #krashlyn x reader #ali krieger #ashlyn harris #alex morgan #christen press #tobin heath #megan rapinoe #carson pickett #orlando pride

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phantompearlsalt · 3 years

Text

Sour Cherry, Chapter 10

My sincerest apologies for the delay on this one folks! As you know, things have been a bit challenging but we’re chugging along and I can finally give you the hurt/comfort & more soft!Kuvira we’ve been craving. Thank you to the anon who requested this — it was so interesting to write a first, major fight between Reader and Kuvira. Like always, feel free to check it out on AO3 as well. Thank you for your continued support everyone — I promise I’ll get to your replies / more asks tomorrow 💖

This time something is different. You ponder the word fractured: the act or process of breaking or the state of being broken. Devastated: emotionally shattered or distraught. Empty: lacking reality, substance, meaning, or value. The words dance across your thoughts in an almost insulting manner. None of them mean anything right now.

None of them are enough.

You watch the brilliant orange hues of dusk bleed into your room and recall how lovely they appeared when they bathed the otherwise sterile furnishings of the quarters you normally share with Kuvira.

This time, however, when the rays filter through your window and fill the chamber with vivid golden light, you cannot detect any change in your demeanor. The refreshing glow does little to alleviate the harrowing emptiness that consumes your chest. Over the course of the week, you have grown relatively numb to it but when you pay close attention, it becomes harder to breathe.

Right now, you find yourself choking on each minute inhalation.

You haven’t slept alone in months, not since Kuvira formally converted her room into your shared quarters soon after making your relationship public knowledge. Your fingertips have memorized the smoothness of her naked back, the delicate arch of her lips that part when she sleeps, the ridges of her spine, her collarbones, her elbows. Your lips know exactly when to kiss her bare shoulder just as she starts to stir awake because even when she feels the warmth of your body near hers, she likes to know you are still there.

For the past six days, you have fallen asleep to the excruciating silence of isolation. When you awaken, it is to the pitiful sight of poorly stationed furniture against cold grey walls.

You have returned to your old room because for the first time since meeting her, the thought of being near Kuvira in any capacity hurts more than it brings joy.

It would be foolish to say you never expected to argue with Kuvira. It’s inevitable. Though you know her mind like the back of your hand, there have already been numerous occasions when your personalities clashed and the resulting tension produced a short period of mutual silence.

Nevertheless, the pattern is generally the same: you both express your anger, you seethe for a day or two, you acknowledge it, and you move forward. Sometimes it doesn’t feel that simple but at the end of the day it usually is. You haven’t argued over anything major so there is no reason to believe you would fall out of this sequence.

As you move away from the window and tuck your feet into the frigid bedsheets of your tiny mattress, alone in your bedroom for the sixth night in a row, you struggle to suppress the ache that throbs inside your ribcage.

---

“Kuvira, we are losing traction in the southeast,” Commander Guan declares. Knowing better than to raise his voice before her, the statement is delivered with little emotion but there is a distinct quality of distress to it.

“If we do not exercise a greater degree of force, we will lose what tenuous control we have and we’ll be back at square one. You have the resources to escalate and now is not the time to second guess any more,” he continues.

You record your notes wordlessly, gazing across the room at the other commanders and sergeants. Across the table, Commander Zhen nods along to each of Guan’s words. Bolin is pursing his lips but slowly nods every other second. To Kuvira’s right, Baatar watches Guan intently with his fingers steepled at his chin before nodding in assent.

“Commander Guan is right, Kuvira,” he responds. “Governor Hongshen was a major boost to our reunification efforts but his influence can only go so far. We need to act soon in the south before we start regressing and losing the trust of the world leaders.”

Kuvira’s face carries that same characteristic aloofness but as the conversation unfolds, her expression gradually grows troubled. Commander Zhen jumps in soon after Baatar and though Kuvira angles her body to face the woman more directly, you notice her gaze shift towards you.

You look back and hope you convey the sense of concern brewing in your gut but she looks away before you are convinced it works.

---

The next morning you prepare for the day slowly, dragging out the time it takes to complete your morning routine and slip into your uniform. You look over at your bedside clock wearily, knowing that everyone is probably still wrapping up breakfast before heading to the morning assembly. You have managed to avoid the meetings for the past few days but it’s no longer feasible.

You take advantage of the remaining minutes to obscure any lingering evidence of your restless night. Looking into your tabletop mirror, you let your finger drag over the somber dark circles that frame your eyes. A humorless laugh erupts from your mouth as you knock the mirror down where it eventually collapses to the ground. By some miracle it doesn’t shatter but there’s a ferocious hunger that wishes it had.

You are very nearly tempted to crush the glass beneath your boot but you are halted by the realization that it’s time to walk over to the meeting chamber. The relief is only temporary when you are met with the understanding that you must face Kuvira in person again.

The walk to the hall is brief and you happen to find Varrick and Zhu Li along the way. As one would anticipate, Varrick shouts your name and launches into some mindless chatter about his latest developments on a weapon he’s building for Kuvira. Zhu Li remains impassive, only nodding when needed, and though you would normally find the conversation bothersome you are somewhat grateful to have other people to enter the room with. It helps to assuage the encroaching anxiety squirming into every part of you.

When you arrive, Kuvira is already there with Baatar. The sight of them together when you have been apart from her for so long instantly incites a white-hot fury that envelops your thoughts and extinguishes whatever distress you felt seconds ago. But it doesn’t last long.

Upon hearing Varrick’s voice, Kuvira looks up from her conversation to welcome him and Zhu Li. She pointedly avoids looking in your direction. While you are fully cognizant of how worn out you must appear, you are stunned to see Kuvira still looks completely unaffected by the week’s events. The ire you felt moments ago is quickly superseded with crushing disappointment.

Perhaps it’s best she doesn’t look at you as you dread the thought of her seeing you so openly debilitated.

The meeting transpires uneventfully. You are only addressed by the other commanders and Kuvira doesn’t look at you once, even on the few occasions when you speak. No one seems to catch onto the cold air between you both or if they do, they are very good at disregarding it.

When Kuvira adjourns the assembly, you are quick to gather your belongings. Being so close but unable to really look at her produces an anguish that is nearly physical but you still find yourself pausing. You look up from your papers, gazing to the head of the table where Kuvira silently observes the map of the present Earth Kingdom.

A profound need to approach her and satisfy your craving to be seen and touched by your lover overwhelms you. As far as you’re aware, you are still technically together but with the way things are going, you can’t help but question how long that will last.

You inhale quickly and deeply, sliding your foot across the floor just enough to put you an inch closer to her. Within the blink of an eye, Kuvira turns on her heel and joins Commanders Guan and Zhen as they make their way towards the hallway, leaving you alone in the room. As she leaves, you only catch a blurry glimpse of her profile before her footsteps eventually retreat into the distance.

Your eyes can’t move away from the area where she stood moments ago, and though your mind tells you to leave, to ignore the way your palm suddenly twinges with the absence of Kuvira’s touch, a hot stream of moisture cascades down your cheek instead.

---

Evening falls with a palpable feeling of tension. Though you follow your routines as usual, and even press Kuvira tight against your chest before you yield to the temptation of sleep, there is an uncomfortable feeling that heightens with each passing minute.

“You’ve been pretty quiet since this morning,” you note, dancing your fingers through Kuvira’s hair in that manner she’s grown quite fond of. It calms her down when she’s distressed and you have an inkling she could use that comfort right now. Tonight she stays still, her hard breathing the only indication that she’s still awake.

“I know it’s not my place to say but...I think it would be best to take some time to think about Guan’s proposal,” you continue. That instantly provokes a reaction from Kuvira, who carefully pulls away from your hand and stares at you coldly. “Why is that? You’re aware of what’s on the line if we respond ineffectively, right?” she counters.

You sigh and push yourself onto your elbows. “Of course I know, Kuvira,” you remind her. “I’m not doubting the potential consequences but I’m also not going to ignore the potential fallout if we respond too violently.” To this Kuvira’s eyes narrow and an air of displeasure flashes across her face but she makes no move to respond.

You sit in awkward silence for another five seconds before she pulls the bedsheets over her shoulders and turns away from you. Your heart seems to dip into your stomach and you restrain an exhausted sigh. Carefully pushing away the hair along the back of her neck, you lean forward to press a single kiss to the top of her spine before falling into the pillows and staring up at the ceiling.

---

When you bring your meal to your room, you wonder if anyone has bothered looking for you. You imagine Bolin and Commander Zhen have noticed your absence since they’re the only two people you’re closest to outside of Kuvira. Given that precedent, you realize they know better than to personally seek you out when you have displayed a desire to be alone but you can’t ignore the sting of feeling cast aside.

You set the food on a wobbly metal chair where it will inevitably be forgotten, instead gravitating towards your old wooden bureau and pulling open the empty drawers. The night you decided to spend time away from your shared quarters, you also decided you would leave most of your belongings behind. In the moment, you convinced yourself you wanted nothing in your space that would remind you of Kuvira.

But deep down in the most secluded crevices of your heart you know it’s your way of holding onto anything that could possibly connect you to her. You cannot realistically envision your life without Kuvira anymore and keeping your belongings in the room anchors you to the stubborn hope that you will still have a future after this. Even as it becomes less and less believable.

Despite this, there is one thing you could not bear to leave behind and you nestle it between your palms. It’s a small metal box that Kuvira constructed for you where you keep every letter she has composed in your name. Every scrap of paper and every elegant piece of parchment lays folded beneath the meticulously decorated metal cover and you pull out one of the letters she wrote you in the earlier days of your relationship.

Kuvira struggles to convey her emotions verbally and has thus opted to express them in written form. Your fingers skim over the words and you are met with the most ardent desire to vanish into the neat lines of ink and wrap yourself in the enchanting verses of Kuvira’s professions.

For a moment, you let yourself believe that wherever she is right now, this fond memory of not-so-long-ago is still fresh in Kuvira’s mind as well.

---

“Who are you to tell me what is best for my empire?” Kuvira demands. Her brow is knitted together in rage as she desperately grips the edge of your vanity. You wonder what she might have unleashed were it not for its grounding force.

You dig your fingers into your palms, wincing at the way your nails dig into the flesh, and sigh. The exasperation is getting to you and you’re afraid you will lose control over your words. You have never reached this point with her before. “I never said I knew better than you, Kuvira!” you bark back. “I just need you to understand that proceeding the way you plan will not end well for anybody.”

Kuvira sneers and her eyes darken further. “I don’t recall asking for your opinion on the matter. Your role is to obey my orders, regardless of the nature of our non-working relationship,” she hisses.

Your tongue feels heavy in your mouth and you’re starting to lose coordination of your limbs. “I don’t care if you didn’t ask for it. You know we can’t move forward like this. We’ve all heard the talk circulating about how you approach these negotiations. The Avatar may be gone for now but do you seriously want to jeopardize what we’ve worked so hard to build?”

“I won’t stand here and have you assume credit for an endeavor that has largely been my undertaking. You’ve carried out your role acceptably but don’t forget that you are my subordinate and I will continue to treat you as such. And I suggest you keep your unwanted judgements to yourself,” she counters.

“Don’t you understand? I just want what’s best for you,” you shout.

“I don’t need your help!” Kuvira bellows. “I’m not some defenseless child in need of your pity or your protection. Frankly, I could go about my work without you getting in the way.”

A thick silence swallows the room and you’re fairly certain your heart skips a beat. After the words have fallen from Kuvira’s mouth, you stare at her but can’t seem to make sense of the vision before you. It feels like you’re floating and sinking at the same time, as if some tremendous cosmic force were crushing your limbs but taking away the feeling before you can process it.

“Very well,” you respond quietly. “If that’s what you want...I won’t get in your way anymore.” You don’t wait to hear Kuvira’s response and walk to the wardrobe, hastily pulling out random articles of clothing and your small metal storage box before exiting without another word.

As you leave the room, clicking the door shut so as to deflect any unwanted attention, you are overcome with the desire to turn back. But what could you possibly do? There are no words that come to you, no magical reconciliation that seems realistic in the span of sixty seconds.

So instead, you walk towards your old room, grateful for its location far away from the others but devastated that you have to return at all.

---

The rest of the day is a slow and painful battle. Everything and everyone glides before you in a disorienting jumble of images, sounds, and colors. You make it a point to avoid being near Kuvira and successfully manage to do so.

Bolin and Zhen approach you near dinner, inviting you to evening tea, which you politely decline. Later on you realize it was probably their attempt at offering some solace, though they are unaware of the circumstances that have created your somber mood. Though the realization should bring you gratitude, you find yourself feeling nothing.

You decide to slide into bed early, hoping that it will be sufficient enough to fool your brain into falling asleep after many nights of tossing and turning. Naturally, the sensation of the fabric against your skin feels unreal and discomforting. Nothing feels very real anymore.

Your eyes zero in on the dwindling flame of your bedside candle, tracing the soft edges of the fire as it melts into the dark purple base of the wick. This tiny ember seems to be the last thing tethering you to reality.

That is until there’s a muted rap at your door that barely makes you shift in bed. Your muscles tense up but you still consider ignoring it altogether. Regardless of who it may be, you aren’t confident you have the ability to interact with anybody right now...much less the person you want to see the most.

Your internal debate is interrupted by another, less assertive tap that instantly confirms who awaits on the other side. Despite the loss of feeling in your body, your legs twist off the side of the bed of their own accord. Your feet shuffle until you reach the door and you imagine the floor beneath them is icy cold but all you feel is the curious sleekness of the material as if you were dreaming.

When you reach the metal barrier that separates you from Kuvira, you are unable to lift the arm that would slide it open and bring her the closest to you that you’ve been in days. Days that have stretched on like weeks, maybe even years. You think back to last Monday, where everything seemed perfect and you felt fully at peace, and you cannot believe you are that same person. You wonder if you still are.

A soft clicking sound lures you back to the present and you realize the door is being slid open by the unmistakable use of metalbending. It shifts slowly, unsurely. When it’s about halfway open, you immediately notice the distinguishing shape of Kuvira’s shoulder plates. The sight causes your breath to snag in your throat and you step back.

She pauses her movement but doesn’t dare look past the door to see you. “If you want me to leave, tell me and I will,” she murmurs. You shake your head and shut your eyes. “No,” you respond brokenly. “Don’t leave.”

You turn away and walk over to the window, hoping Kuvira will still walk in. There is a moment of silence in which you assume she has decided to leave but the door slides closed and you hear two, four steps and then quiet.

Your heart pounds so hard against your chest you swear you can feel it graze against the bone, or perhaps you have convinced yourself that it will shatter your sternum and collapse onto the ground simply by having Kuvira so close to you again. There is a thunderous ringing in your ears that travels to your head, where it feels like your skull has been submerged underwater and your breathing is nearly nonexistent.

Time moves dreadfully slowly and you aren’t sure how much of it has passed when Kuvira finally disrupts the stillness. When she speaks, you realize you haven’t seen her face since she arrived.

“I don’t know what to say,” she admits. Her voice is strained with some level of anxiety that is unfamiliar to you. It strikes something deep in your core that makes you turn around and finally face her.

If you had looked at any other part of Kuvira first, you might have assumed she was still totally unmoved by the rift that had developed over the past few days. Her uniform is all crisp lines and vibrant shades of green. Her hair is pinned behind her neck with each strand carefully tucked into place. She is the spitting image of Earth Empire decorum.

Instead, you look at her face and see that she looks utterly defeated. It’s the only way to describe the grim shadows beneath her eyes and the sunken skin stretched over her cheekbones. Her lips are pressed into a tight line and you wonder what words are hiding beneath them.

“Kuvira…” Her name comes out sounding like a lamentation. It fits oddly in your mouth, as if it were unfamiliar and your tongue was still figuring out how to curl around the syllables. Nothing else comes out — your thoughts are nonexistent. A blank canvas and that roaring buzz that will not cease.

“You’re leaving me,” she states. The words barely process before you feel your face contort into a painful combination of disbelief and hurt. “What?” you whisper. It’s such a pathetically simple response to something that has evoked such an unbearable sensation but you can’t translate anything into words. You can only feel everything and everything hurts.

“It’s the only logical conclusion I could arrive at,” she continues. Her voice remains relatively still but when she continues speaking you notice her words emerge with increasing speed and forcefulness. “When you left our...my quarters, it was sufficient indication that you wanted nothing more to do with me.”

“Kuvira.”

“I should hope this won’t interfere with the progression of the Empire’s reunification, otherwise I will gladly—”

“Kuvira!”

Her eyes meet yours again, startled, and they shimmer with brimming tears that reflect the waning candlelight. Whereas she had been staring into some point far beyond the present moment just seconds ago, she now watches you with an expression that is so completely demoralized it shatters whatever reservations you had been trying to cling onto.

“I’m not leaving you,” you respond. A blank expression brushes over her features momentarily before it is replaced with incredulity. “What?” she breaths.

“I can’t leave you. Never. I could never leave you, Kuvira,” you sob, no longer attempting to quell the turmoil of emotions threatening to overflow. “I just need to know that you didn’t mean what you said. Please. That’s all I need right now.”

It’s at that point where Kuvira crumples to the ground, her legs folding beneath her body like old parchment paper, and she stares at it in disbelief. “You...you aren’t leaving me?”

You plunge to the ground with her and ignore the searing flare of pain that shoots up your legs when your knees crash against it. Your fingers twitch with the aching desire to hold Kuvira in your arms and feel the solidity of her body but you don’t make a single move to touch her. You need to know that she wants it, that she’s okay with it.

Which is why when she looks up at you, with that enticingly beautiful and often deceptively stoic face, and she touches her fingertips to the back of your hands, you take them both and bring them to your face. You hold onto them tightly, worrying that if you let go Kuvira might disappear and she’ll truly be gone forever.

“Kuvira, I love you more than you could ever possibly comprehend. I don’t understand it myself most of the time,” you say.

“But after what I said,” she continues. “You should want to leave. No one would stay after something like that. You shouldn’t want to stay with me. You should want to leave.”

“I won’t not leave you unless you want me to. The day you decide you’ve had enough of this, you say the word and I’ll respect your wishes. But this won’t drive me away. I’m not everyone else, Kuvira. I’m not leaving you behind. Not now, not ever,” you reassure her.

Any lingering hint of impassivity she’s struggled to hold onto totally shatters by the time you finish speaking. Her eyes slide shut and heavy streams of tears slide along her face. She is so silent, one might not even realize she was crying from any other angle. But from this vantage point, you see the tremors quaking through her body.

You feel the slightest tug of Kuvira pulling you forward and it’s all the invitation you need to gather her into your arms, wrapping your hands over her head and pressing it against your chest. Whatever words materialize stay trapped as thoughts so you pray that this alone is enough for now, that Kuvira can at least feel this promise you vow to never break.

The moment your bodies touch again, after too many hours of reaching for shadows and clinging onto empty bedsheets, the quivering in Kuvira’s body intensifies for a few seconds before slowly fading into stillness. She tucks her face into the crook of your neck and you feel the uneven pattern of her breath against your skin.

“I didn’t mean what I said,” she sighs. The words are so faint they are barely audible but in the quiet of the room, it would be impossible to disregard them. “I can’t do this by myself. I need you here with me and I always have. I’m sorry...I’m sorry for hurting you the way I did.”

Your breath, which had been caught in your throat, hurtles from your mouth with the weight of your relief after fearing the worst possible outcome. Though you had never once considered the possibility of ending your relationship over this, you realize you were never prepared for the reality that Kuvira would think you wanted to.

But it all makes sense. Time and time again, life had dealt Kuvira with the worst possible manifestations of human nature. The outright negligence of her parents, the ostracization she felt from her new family, and the ultimate betrayal from Suyin had thoroughly convinced her that no one could genuinely see her as worth waiting for, as worth the patience she needed.

Even after this many months together, experiencing the worst in each other and confronting life’s greatest trials, she still feared your abandonment as well. The truth weighs on you painfully and you find yourself clinging harder to her body, hoping she can sense the true depth of your love for her as you wait for the words to finally flow.

“I’m sorry too,” you murmur into her hair. “I shouldn’t have left you alone. I never, ever want you to think I’m going to leave you and much less in that way. I promise you, Kuvira, I am staying with you through the end of this and far beyond that too.”

She nods once and slides her arms up your back until her nails are clawing into your nightshirt. You fall back on your heels, never once breaking your embrace.

You know she will find another way to secure the southern region and ensure the world leaders continue entrusting this endeavor in her hands. But for now, you stay still together like this, swathing yourselves in each other’s heat and the consolation of knowing there is still a future after all.

#sour cherry #kuvira x reader #kuvira/reader #kuvira legend of korra #avatar lok #x reader #reader insert #hurt/comfort #angst #oof I really tried to make this as angsty as I could huh I AM SORRY!!#also idk who reads these but I just realized I totally forgot to post chapter 9 on here alskfjsldfj #I'm so sorry omfg

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max-is-tired · 4 years

Text

It’s Fine By Me (If You Never Leave)

Pairing: Dukexiety

Characters: Remus Sanders, Virgil Sanders

Words: 2.062

Warnings: Sympathetic Remus, swearing, crying, kissing

Notes: I... might be starting to grow lowkey in love with Dark Sides ships sdkjvnsjkfvn

Anyway!! here is a new fic, not even a week after the last one I posted -miracles exist apparently. A big thank you to my boyfriend @afulldeckofaces for catching the mistakes that slipped past 3am me skvnsfjv you’re the best babe <3

I hope you guys like it!!

Commission me!! Buy me a coffee!! Join my Discord server!!

If you had told 15 years old Virgil that one day he would’ve fallen in love with none other than Remus Grimm, he would’ve probably ended up cracking a rib or two by laughing too much.

And yet, look at him now -19 years old ad head over hills for his best friend, who just happened to have had to move two towns over because of college.

God, feelings sucked.

Virgil groaned in frustration, letting his forehead hit the textbook lying open in front of him with a muffled thump.

He was tired. He was so. Fucking. Tired. Tired of college, tired of this stupid crush that kept stubbornly refusing to go away, tired of his stupid anxiety and tired of having to deal with all of this without his best friend by his side.

Yes, he was grumpy because he hadn’t seen Remus in more than a month, sue him.

As if sensing his worsening mood, his phone buzzed, breaking Virgil out of his thoughts. Letting out a series of annoyed grumbles and half-assed curses, Virgil snatched his phone from where it was lying on the desk, Remus’ wild grin staring back at him from the screen.

It was a photo they had taken that summer, just before Remus had had to leave for college. Roman had been the one taking it, the day Patton had decided to drag -for some more literally than others- their entire group out for some ice cream.

Remus had thrown his arm around Virgil’s shoulder, proudly showing off his chocolate mustache as the other fumbled with his cone to keep it from falling to the ground.

Virgil remembered glaring daggers at him for a total of two seconds before Remus’ waggling eyebrows did him in and sent him in a snickering fit.

Virgil remembered the weight of Remus’ arm around his shoulder, his warmth seeping through his shirt in a way that somehow, didn’t make him uncomfortable -he had never felt uncomfortable with Remus, not once, not even under the hot summer Florida weather in the middle of July.

He only saw that photo for the first time later that night, staring at Remus’ wide grin and sparkling green eyes as his heart hammered in his chest.

The realization had crashed over him like a tsunami, every thought in his head screeching to a halt as he slowly became more and more aware of the fact that he was very much in love with his best friend.

”Of course,” Virgil remembered thinking, staring at his phone with wide eyes, ”who else could it be?”

And boy if that thought alone hadn’t scared the living shit out of him.

For a moment, Virgil let his mind linger on the memory of that sunny afternoon, a soft smile stretching on his face.

Then, he swiped up and clicked on the notification.

”You up for a little chat?” read Remus’ message, followed by a string of random emojis Virgil didn’t even try to decipher -he knew it would probably be useless since they rarely made sense in the first place.

Virgil frowned, threw a considering glance at his textbook and the various papers still scattered on the desk and shrugged -it was not like he was getting anything done anyway.

“sure, why not”

Not even ten seconds later Virgil’s phone lit up with an incoming call, the first notes of My Immortal filling the room.

“Hey there Spider boy!” came Remus’ voice from the other side of the line.

Immediately, Virgil felt some of the tension leave his shoulders, relaxing back on his chair as he pushed himself away from the cluttered desk.

“Sup, Trashman,” he answered, not even bothering to fight down the tired grin tugging at his lips -Remus was not there to tease him about it anyway, so.

“Wow, don’t sound too excited to hear from me.”

Virgil snorted, his smile turning more and more genuine as the seconds passed.

“Fuck you.”

“Maybe later. But really, you sound like shit -everything alright? Are there some bones that I need to break?”

Virgil groaned, leaning back as he pinched the bridge of his nose. Now that he wasn’t panicking over his homework exhaustion was slamming down on him full-force, making it very hard for him to string together a coherent thought let alone think about filtering whatever shit was coming out of his mouth.

“It’s just… fucking everything, man. College is kicking my ass, my anxiety is kicking my ass and I’m just- I’m just tired, you know?”

From the other side of the line, Virgil heard Remus hiss in sympathy at his words.

“Yeah, shit, that sounds rough as hell.”

A beat of silence, and then-

“I can drive over and burn down your campus if you want. No college, no classes. Boom, airtight.”

Virgil couldn’t have stopped the amused snickers leaving his mouth even if he’d tried, shoulders shaking with his laughter as he fought to stifle it down.

“Thanks for the very tempting offer, but I think I’ll give it a pass for now.”

Then, he sighed, feeling his smile slip away as he stared at the ceiling, his sadness starting to creep up on him again. “... I miss you,” he whispered -he hadn’t exactly meant to say that out loud, but he had and now just couldn’t stop.

“I just- I miss our daily escapades and you sneaking into my room at the oddest hours of the day because you decided for some reason that simply using the front door was too mainstream.”

Virgil took in a ragged breath, distantly feeling his eyes start to sting with unshed tears.

“I miss being able to just call you when everything gets too much with the knowledge you’ll be knocking at my window in five minutes max. I miss having you physically by my side every day, I miss my best friend and I feel so fucking bad about it because you’re following your dreams and I’m proud of you, I really am but I also want you right here by my side and-”

Virgil audibly snapped his mouth shut, pressing a hand over his lips to stifle his sobs as tears streamed down his face out of his control.

“I’m sorry,” he whimpered, moving the phone away from his ear.

“Virgil-” Remu voice called, sounding worried and maybe a little desperate. but before he could say anything more, Virgil hung up, letting his room fall back into silence before throwing the phone somewhere on his bed.

Virgil bit down hard on his lip, but he could do nothing against the sobs that kept bubbling in his throat. One escaped, then another and soon Virgil could do nothing but curl up with his head hidden between his knees, yearning for the one person that could not help him the way he wanted him to.

+++

Virgil didn’t exactly remember when he fell asleep, his memory being somewhat hazy in-between the tears that seemed to never end and the way he kept feeling like something was trying to squeeze him to death from the inside-out.

What he did remember, however, was waking up to a very familiar sound -one he’d thought he wouldn’t get to hear again in quite some time.

Initially, during those few moments floating between dreams and awakening, when reality hasn’t quite set in yet and sleep still hangs heavily from your eyelids, Virgil had almost believed he was still dreaming, his own vain hopes playing cruel tricks to his brain.

But the seconds kept ticking and Virgil kept hearing the goddamn sound, so there were only two possible explanations -either someone was trying to break into his room, or-

Virgil bolted up, almost tumbling off the chair he had fallen asleep on -which, ouch- in his haste to get to the window.

And sure enough, there Remus was, with his signature manic grin as he waved at Virgil from the tree branch he was perched on.

Virgil stared, hands moving almost on their own as they went through the familiar motions of unlocking the window to let his best friend in.

“Thanks, it was starting to get chilly out!” Remus chirped, climbing in with practiced ease and plopping himself down on the bed.

“What the fuck,” Virgil answered, still trying to process what was going on.

“I- you- what???” Virgil felt like his brain was about to implode, his gaze flickering from Remus to the window and then back to Remus again.

“Dude, what the hell are you doing here? It’s fucking two am or something like that and you live like, three hours away!”

Remus shrugged, shuffling around so he could sit cross-legged in the middle of the bed.

“My best friend is hurting, why would I not come?”

“It’s the middle of the week, you have classes tomorrow,” Virgil weakly pointed out, starting to feel a little choked up with all the emotions coursing through him at once.

“It’s Thursday, or Friday morning is you wanna be accurate,” Remus easily countered. “I know for a fact that neither you nor I have anything important going on tomorrow and the weekend is class free, so I’m going to crash here until Monday morning since we both have afternoon classes. And no, this is not up to debate. It’s happening, Spider Boy.”

Virgil blinked, staring at him with wide eyes as his heart hammered in his chest.

There was a tingling sensation running through all of his body, electrifying in the best of ways. It felt like fire and ice and water altogether, filling him up and up until-

“I love you,” Virgil blurted out, unable to stop the words from tumbling out any longer.

Remus stared for a second before a dazzling grin took over his face.

“I love you too!” he chirped, grinning so wide Virgil distantly worried if it didn’t hurt to pull at the muscles that much.

“No, uh-” Virgil stuttered, all too aware of how flustered he probably looked at that moment.

He bit his lip, pondering his next course of action. He could still salvage this, just let it go and make Remus believe he meant it in a platonic way and nothing more, burying his feelings in the deepest and darkest corner of his heart. But on the other hand… did he really want to do that?

“I meant in a romantic way, Remus,” he finally admitted, looking everywhere but at his best friend, “I love you as in I want to be your boyfriend and kiss you and stuff.”

Silence fell, filling the room as Virgil kept carefully avoiding Remus’ eyes.

God, he’d ruined everything, didn’t he?

Then he saw a familiar hand reach out and grab a fistful of his hoodie, firmly tugging him forward before he could express his confusion.

Virgil let out a startled yelp, stumbling towards the bed until he found himself face-to-face with his best friend. Still grinning, Remus winked before leaning in, erasing the last few inches separating them as he kissed him square on the lips.

Virgil froze, eyes as wide as saucers as he tried to comprehend whatever the fuck was going on. But before he could do that, Remus pulled back, slowly letting his eyes slide open again as a small, soft smile tugged at the corner of his lips -it was such a strange expression to see on Remus’ face, but Virgil found that he didn’t mind it at all, as long as it was directed at him.

“I know what you meant,” Remus chuckled, pecking Virgil on the lips again for good measure, “and I love you too. Now, are you gonna actually get on the bed and cuddle or do I need to drag you under the covers myself?”

Virgil let out a startled snort, feeling like he was reeling from the last five minutes alone. Still, he dutifully climbed on the bed and flopped down, feeling his exhaustion start to creep back on him again.

Remus grinned, laying down beside Virgil and immediately cuddling as close as humanly possible.

“Comfy?” Virgil teased, moving his hand to gently card it through the other’s hair.

“Hush boyfriend, pillows don’t talk,” Remus grumbled, already halfway gone as he somehow snuggled even closer.

Virgil hummed, leaning down to leave a kiss in Remus’ hair.

Boyfriend, uh? Well, it did have a nice ring to it.

#sanders sides #dukexiety #virgil sanders #remus sanders #sympathetic remus #virgil angst #swearing #ts fanfiction #sanders sides fanfiction #maxiswriting

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jadekitty777 · 3 years

Text

The Thoughts We Carry

As promised, I had one entry near completion that I hoped be ready to post for @fairgameweek2021. I spent the last few days this week not getting enough sleep just to make the deadline (ssh I know it’s after midnight. Summaries are hard, okay?). I’m sorry I won’t have anything else ready in time, but I hope you all enjoy this one!

Day 4: Separation/Reunion

Dedicated to: @chiherah

Rating: K

Words: 6K

Summary: “I know everybody to some extent,” Qrow once told his nieces, and he hadn’t precisely been lying. At least, when it came to knowing other huntsmen in the four kingdoms, that is. Clover Ebi was just one of probably five-thousand examples. Yet, just as all shamrocks are clovers but not all clovers are shamrocks, all huntsmen are acquaintances but not all get to be friends.

That was why, upon arriving to Atlas, Qrow could tell there was more weighing on Clover’s mind than the Grimm addled streets of Mantle or Solitas’ fighter jet filled skies. More crushing, even, than the now-known threat of Salem on the horizon. A burden so great, it altered old routines and shadowed bright smiles.

And, as Qrow regarded the Aceops’ hasty roster change, he knew the solution to his friend’s plight was not one he’d need to seek, but one he’d need to bear.

Ao3 Link: The Thoughts We Carry

There were a few unanimous truths that came with being a huntsman:

The work was dangerous to the point most knew their future was beelining for a parking space in a graveyard.

Never falter in the heat of battle.

Keep bandages on hand because stemming an injury can extend a life from a few seconds to a few minutes.

Always know the best foods to forage in case civilization is too far or – worse yet – wiped out.

Pack light as work will require travel. It will require travel a lot.

Of all of them, the one Qrow was most familiar with was that last one. So much so, the towns he visited were just as much old friends to him as the people within them were. Vale and Patch were like playmates from primary school that were never forgotten no matter how much time had passed. Higanbaga was that party dude from university that always knew how to show him a good time. Atlas was that annoying classmate that he got stuck with one year on a group project and he was forced to put up with. And Mantle…

Mantle was that one struggling friend he knew could be doing better, if anyone would give it a break.

He felt that feeling in every swing of Harbinger, slicing through Grimm as he sidestepped potholes in the concrete and litter whirled up around his feet. Witnessed it when he peered through the city’s ever-present shadow to keep the kids in his line of sight, straining his ears to listen for the rest that shouts just blocks away nearly drowned out until they mysteriously stopped.

Despite knowing what it likely meant, he didn’t focus on it. He sheared through another Sabyr, and spun on his heels. Took in visual information in half a second: Weiss partially down an alleyway with Ren. Yang at his six. Blake a bit behind her. A Grimm leaping right for her.

His hand moved before his mind did, aiming Harbinger’s shotgun as Blake did the same with Gambol Shroud.

Another shot got it first.

A buzzing blast of green energy, not quite aura or dust, cleaved the beast in two. Similar shots rained from the sky, making quick work of the rest until the street was clear. The lampposts’ harsh red glows faded back to their calming yellow. From above, a drone expelling more green light rocketed up to the sky. As it hovered in the light of the moon and slowly floated down to ground level, its shape became more apparent and he could make out the features of a young girl with long, curling locks of ginger hair. Something about her was familiar.

It wasn’t until he heard Ruby’s choked gasp of “Penny?” that it clicked.

About a thousand questions rolled into his mind at once, but it was clear from the way his niece was suddenly bowled over by the enthusiastic android and the tears began to flow, that they’d have to wait.

After all, it wasn’t every day a cherished friend returned from the dead.

The other kids crowded around quickly, but Qrow couldn’t help but look to the one who lingered awkwardly on the sidelines, Oscar fidgeting with his cane the way Oz used to.

Something welled inside him that tasted a little like regret.

Not every day indeed.

It seemed ages before they started to make their way back to Pietro’s shop. Penny was deep in explanation on her miraculous revival, explaining how her memory chips had been recovered and her body repaired. In the back, Qrow let most of it float over his head. He wasn’t the only one.

“This is so… unexpected.”

He side-eyed Jaune, the blond’s face a mix of emotions that were hard to pin down. He couldn’t even begin to guess at what the other was trying to process. The joy of Penny’s return? The bitter unfairness it couldn’t happen for another that had been lost that day? The sorrow that Pyrrha now would never know that she hadn’t killed the android and could never make amends?

Whatever it was, it was definitely too much to handle on a regular day. Add two grueling battles, multiple aura breaks, and a long flight to Atlas on top of it all, it left little energy to deal with much else.

“But not unwelcome.” Qrow replied, catching his attention. “You don’t have to question the good things you get in life kid. You do that and you won’t stop to enjoy them.”

It was relieving it pulled out a small, but genuine, smile on the young man’s face. “That’s unusual advice coming from you.”

That’s because it wasn’t his.

Before he could think to respond, his sharp senses caught Ren tensing up. A sign he was detecting something.

His fingers were already halfway to his weapon when he heard it.

“Ah, and here I thought we had a problem. But it’s just Qrow again.”

His hand fell, a groan emitting from deep in his chest as he turned towards that painfully familiar voice. Sure enough, Clover and his poster squad of soldiers were heading their way. “Oh great, it’s you.”

“Salutations Captain Ebi!” Penny greeted with a salute.

"You know them Uncle Qrow?" Ruby asked. He could feel her curious stare burning through his cape.

"Yeah. They're Jimmy's attack dogs.” He scoffed at them. “Though considering we cleaned up this mess, they're more bark than bite."

Clover laughed, stopping just a few feet away. "You haven't changed a bit, have you?" He thumbed back the way they had come from. “Guessing you’re also the flyer of the unidentified Manta a mile west here, huh?”

“Uh, well,” He spluttered a bit, not sure how to explain that.

He didn’t have to, as the second-in-command spoke up for him, “I can’t believe you!” Harriet spat, quick in her temper as she was on her feet. “We almost deployed hostiles on that ship. You could have at least radioed in!”

“Well, see we woulda. ‘Cept our radio was on the fritz.” Yang stepped up beside him.

His other niece flanked his other side. “We didn’t mean to cause a stir, really.”

Qrow didn’t know whether to be proud of their synchronization, refined from years of getting out of groundings together, or concerned for their physical wellbeing as Elm’s eyes lit up with recognition.

“Oh Qrow, don’t tell me these are your cute little nieces!” She was in his youngest niece’s space almost instantly, shaking her hand with such enthusiasm Ruby looked a little dizzy. “I’m Elm. Qrow’s told us so much!”

“He has?”

“Oh yes, once he gets going, he can never shut up about you two. It’s endearing.”

He did his best to ignore the teasing nudges Yang gave him or the flush working its way up his neck.

“Wait, hold up a second.” Another of the soldiers interjected. “You’re the Qrow Branwen? You don’t look anything like what I thought you would.”

As his eyes met with the other’s, Qrow realized with a start he didn’t know him. “And you are?” He spat a bit harder than he meant to.

He felt a little bad when it made the Faunus shrink back a bit, his wagging tail slowing. “I, erm-”

“Oh right, you haven’t met. This is our newest recruit, Marrow Amin. He’s a bit fresh, but has been an outstanding addition.” Clover spoke up, clapping a hand on his shoulder like a proud father. It was the slight twitch at the side of his mouth that gave away he was trying very hard not to drop his smile.

The kid definitely didn’t notice, his tail wagging at full speed once again.

Qrow decided to shelve it for now.

Thankfully, the quietest member was quick to draw all the attention his way as Vine cleared his throat and spoke over them, “As pleasing as this reunion is, I believe taking this discussion away from the middle of the street would be more comfortable.”

“Right.” Clover nodded, straightening up. “The General is expecting our report and, though unanticipated, I’m certain he’d be happy to accommodate your arrival.” He tipped his head towards Weiss. “We’ll contact your sister on the way in as well. Lieutenant Schnee will be relieved to know you made it back safely.”

Despite the propaganda recordings still running on loop overhead, Weiss couldn’t hide her happiness. “That would be wonderful.”

“Sooo, when you say accommodate, you mean beds? And food?” Nora piped up hopefully.

Elm grinned. “Mess hall is always open. All you can eat!”

“Is that a challenge?”

“Oh, I like you.”

In the corner of his eye, Qrow could see Ruby shifting uncertainly. He rested a hand on her back reassuringly. This wasn’t what they’d hoped for. They had wanted to gather more information before they approached James. But it’d be suspicious not to take it and the last thing they needed was for things to go south when they were so close to the finish line.

They would just have to hope they hadn’t lost James’ loyalty like they had Leo’s.

“We could certainly use it.” He finally said. “Lead the way boy scout.”

Though sleep came fast that night, Qrow didn’t rest easy. Despite the exhaustion weighing him down, his mind refused to quiet, whirling over and over again on an anxious loop. James’ flawed plans for Amity if they didn’t tell him the truth. Oz’s deceits. The relic still resting out in the open. Salem’s unknown course of action.

Normally, when his brain was this busy, he’d drown it in alcohol. Let everyone else figure it out as long as he could get some rest from it all. But that wasn’t an option anymore. He wouldn’t allow it to be.

That was how he found himself dragging himself out of bed at the crack of dawn and wandering down the already bustling halls. Anywhere else, he’d say it would be weird to be walking past so many people so early; but Atlas had the majority of its’ facility and students on a strict military schedule. Something about how it taught basic discipline and the sleep regimen was good for promoting better health and performance.

It was a crime against sleeping in is what it was.

Despite the fact his last visit had been well over a year ago, Qrow had no trouble navigating the uniform halls, finding his way to the Ace-Ops’ quarters in record time. He knocked twice, only having to wait a few seconds before the door was flung open. The cartoon flamingos on Harriet’s pajamas seemed to mock the rest of the academy already starting the day.

It’s tactical, Clover had told him once when he’d questioned the special treatment.

Privileged, Qrow had corrected snidely, ignoring the multitude of night crews given the same benefits.

Sometimes it was just fun to see if he could get a rise out of Mr. Perfect.

Speaking of, a quick sweep over Harriet’s hairline told him he was nowhere in the room. He did spot the others though, seated around the dining table. Elm had her hair wrapped up in a towel and a piece of toast in hand. Vine was sipping on tea and scrolling through news. Marrow was giving him that same starstruck look from yesterday, a spoonful of cereal only halfway on its journey to his mouth.

“Boy scout ain’t here?” Qrow asked.

Harriet quirked an eyebrow. “He’s in the garden.”

On a Tuesday? That was new.

He stuffed his hands in his pockets. “Guess I’ll be on my way then. See ya.” He gave her a nod of farewell, heading down the hall.

“Hey, Branwen!” He paused, seeing Harriet leaning out the doorframe, her stare almost challenging. “If you start antagonizing him, I’ll kick your ass.”

That was… also new.

He smirked. “Like to see you try speedy.”

She only scoffed. From within, he heard Marrow pipe up, “Hare! You can’t say that to-” The rest of it was cut off by the door closing, but he had a feeling it ended with ‘The Qrow Branwen.’

He started down the hall again, the foreboding that had been weighing on him since last night quickening his pace.

It didn’t take him long to get to the garden. Natural to Atas’ standards, the room was as grand as could be. Twice as large as the training facility, the greenery filled every inch of space, broken only by specifically designed pathways students or staff could traverse. Some ran to small manmade ponds with wooden bridges built over them where koi fish would swim underneath while others led to displays of delicately trimmed hedges shaped to look like animals. As there was no plant life in Solitas’ ecosystem, everything in the room had been imported. Desert roses from Vacuo, sage bushes from Vale, black pines from Anima. There were even some sunflowers he’d brought years ago from Tai’s little patch at home, still valiantly clinging to life among the rosemary bushes.

Practically on autopilot, Qrow went down the right-most path which wound along to the far side of the garden, where the trees grew taller and the branches hung down like arms reaching out for a hand, close enough for him to reach up and touch. There was one in particular, a lone willow, which had become a popular hiding spot due to its’ thick, curtain-like tresses. So much so, that it had become better known as the Kissing Tree. Though it was too early for anyone to be there now, more than once, he and Clover had stumbled upon a pair of students trying to sneak in a private moment between classes.

To say nothing of the numerous times when the tree was empty and Clover would always wink at him and say, “Looks like there’s room for two.”

The first time, Qrow had been too shocked to respond. Every time after, he’d wave him off and say, “As if you could handle me.”

Clover would laugh and they would continue on, sometimes to the exit.

But more often than not, it was on their way in to the pen.

Compared to the rest of the room, the five-foot, stock panel metal fencing was a bit of an eyesore. Doubly so with the glowing blue devices placed on every post that would activate if anyone without clearance attempted to enter. Hence why it was kept in the back.

But for Clover, it was the best place in the entire garden. Qrow could already see him to one side of the cage, sitting on a bale of hay, gently grooming a lop-eared rabbit resting in his lap while another dozen of various breeds hopped about his feet. The soldier was humming a peppy tune, so lost in his own world he didn’t notice Qrow at the gate.

“Annabelle’s eating your laces.” He announced as he tapped his scroll on the gate’s scanner.

Clover jerked a bit, but not enough to disturb Dumpling, who only thumped his back leg for his attention to continue. He rested one hand on the lop’s back, shooing Annabelle away with the other, “Lil’ menace.” Before acknowledging Qrow with a nod and a “Good morning.”

“Was looking for you.” He replied, shutting the door behind him.

The second he had, Jynx honed in on him like a missile, torpedoing across the pen in seconds to race excited circles around his feet. Clover watched the antics with a teasing smile. “Somehow, I only half believe that.”

“Yeah, yeah.” Qrow carefully stepped around the dwarf rabbit and as he made his way over, plucked a daffodil from the treat container kept on a high-mounted shelf. He sat beside Clover on another hay bale, Jynx wasting no time as she leapt onto his legs and flopped onto her side. So content she was, she didn’t even bother to lift her head when he offered the flower, just munched it down when it got close enough to her mouth. He rolled his eyes, running a hand through her soft, black fur. “Still lazy as ever.”

“She can’t help it if she takes after her handler.” Clover pointed out as he returned to his brushing.

“Making fun of yourself over there, boy scout? ‘Cause I ain’t the parent here. I’m the uncle who spoils her rotten.”

Normally, they’d go at it for a while like this, trading verbal blows that were about as harmful as throwing a handful of feathers at one another would be.

Today, it was clear his friend wasn’t in the mood when he only hummed and said, “I suppose.”

In the quiet that followed, it gave him a chance to really look the other man over. Though he was prim and proper as ever, with clothes neatly pressed and boots shined enough to reflect the light, his face told the true story. Between the deeper lines under his eyes and slight graying at the base of his crew cut, Clover appeared as if he’d aged a decade overnight. Burdened by the weight of worlds’ most damning secrets.

Ones that he knew only got worse the deeper the hole was dug. Qrow felt so far under at this point, he wasn’t sure he’d find the sky again. And the worst part was, the only action he had left was to choose if he wanted to toss the next person the shovel.

Regardless of his convictions to be as candid and brusque as possible to his friends and family, the idea of burying Clover along with him was terrifying.

A quiet chattering drew his eyes back to Jynx. Her eyes were half-closed in blissful contentment, unaware and detached from the woes of her people. He rubbed a finger between her ears, the way he’d learned she liked all the way back when she was small enough to fit in the palm of his hand. Back when she was so tiny, they’d almost missed her when clearing out the illegal dust testing facility deep in Mantle’s suburbs five years ago.

The mission had been a spur of the moment thing. He’d been tracing one of Salem’s subordinates when the Captain approached him. He still recalled how Clover had buttered him up as he explained that with one of their teammates sick, he was in need of a fifth and he ‘just couldn’t think of anyone more suited than Qrow’.

He wouldn’t say it worked or anything but, well, it just so happened the person he was looking for was also said to be someone of ‘scientific talent’. He’d taken the job completely on the merit of it being a potential lead, but if Clover wanted to shower him with compliments in the meantime, who was he to complain?

Next thing he knew, he was knocking a needle-wielding chemist unconscious and lifting guinea pigs out of overcrowded cages.

It took nearly the entire day to clear the facility. Most of the animals were either unaccustomed to being handled or traumatized from it, and it was difficult to recage them without risk of further injury. It was eventually left to the animal experts that had to be called in. Yet, despite the mission being technically fulfilled, Clover had been stubborn to leave, trying to find ways for them to contribute and becoming agitated if anyone tried to derail him.

Even at the time, when Qrow hadn’t yet known the younger huntsman well, he’d understood the behavior was unusual for the other man. It was hard to say if he simply became driven to assist, his soft spot for animals painfully clear, or if it was some mild form of Hunter’s Shock, the stress and horror of the situation putting him into a repetitive state.

Whatever it was, it was clear they were stuck there until the job was done.

So, mostly trying to look busy while staying out of the way, Qrow had found himself lazily strolling through the basement’s already emptied cage ring when his eyes, sharpened by years of looking down the barrel of a shotgun, caught the almost undetectable movement of hay breathing. Sure enough, brushing it aside revealed one of the smallest rabbits he’d ever seen – though she certainly had the loudest cry when he picked her up.

Like a mother responding to a distressed child, the Captain came running. Though his expression was quick to melt when he spotted them, easing into a smile for the first time that afternoon.

Lucky Number 13, Clover had cooed to her while Qrow cradled the shaking thing against his chest. He’d carried her the entire way back to Atlas, afraid she’d get lost or injured among the other hundred animals they’d rescued. At some point, she’d bonded with him.

“More like imprinted!” Tortuga had joked whenever the subject was brought up.

Keeping the rabbits after the mission hadn’t been planned, but Clover had managed to pull enough strings on Jimmy’s iron heart that the General had come out of it thinking he’d thought up the idea all along. The pen was made in record time and the recovering warren was introduced to their new home. Within days, each rabbit had a name, a toy, a bed and enough treats to hibernate a grizzly bear. Mostly provided by the Captain himself, though some of the other facility and students had donated to the cause.

They were officially presented as a wildlife addition to the garden – they were unofficially and more truthfully known as Captain Ebi’s pets.

Though the rabbits didn’t need constant care and the gardeners attended to their daily needs, Clover still swung by frequently, fitting them into a daily routine he kept to like clockwork. Monday and Friday mornings were given over to training. Tuesdays and Thursdays to team-building with the Ops through sharing or even making breakfast together. Weekends and Wednesdays were reserved for garden visits.

The reason for the change was obvious, but Qrow wasn’t quite ready to ask.

“So. Jimmy told you.” He stated instead.

Clover nodded. “Yeah. He did.”

“And… how are you doing?”

He’d been twenty years younger, when he’d been in Clover’s position. Barely graduated, when he took that first walk through the vault, Ozpin spinning grand stories and waving magic to life before his very eyes. He remembered how terrified he had been. He was just some feral kid from the forests of Anima who could barely figure out how his own Scroll worked. In what possible way was he up to the task of saving the world?

After being in the fold as long as he had, he quickly learned even people more capable than himself all tended to feel the gravity of the job.

Even someone as confidant and unshakable as Clover was not immune, his sigh long and drawn out. “Honestly? It’s a little overwhelming. I actually thought, that uh,” He laughed embarrassedly, “James had lost his mind.”

Qrow blinked.

Maybe the world really was ending.

“I woulda paid money to see that.” He teased.

Clover pinched him. “Oh shut up.” The lack of brushing made Dumpling start to fuss again, but rather than continue to pamper him, Clover set the lop back on the grass, before he lent back, letting out another of those long sighs. “I’ve been thinking a lot about how when I was a kid, I used to think the only way Atlas could possibly stay in the sky like it does was from magic. Then I grew up and the academy taught me different. It’s… terrifying, realizing how easy it’s been to lie to a whole nation’s worth of people.”

“Guess that means you agree with Jimmy’s plan then.” Qrow surmised.

“You don’t?” He challenged back, frowning. “We have thousands of people roaming these halls, none of them knowing that a few floors down lies one of the most powerful objects in the world. Don’t they deserve to know that one day they might be in charge of protecting it?”

Shifting uncomfortably, he averted his gaze, mumbling, “I never really thought about it. I trusted Oz to make those kinds of calls. And now he’s-” He felt his chest tighten, guilt a healed-over bruise pulsing on his knuckles. “Gone. Again.”

“I can imagine how lost that makes you feel.”

“I mean, I guess.” He grumbled, if only to save face.

But deep down, he knew Clover was right. Qrow wasn’t like him, or Oz, or James, or Summer or even Ruby. He needed someone to guide him on the right path. He screwed up things enough merely by existing – he couldn’t make it worse by trying to also make critical decisions.

Maybe it was that thought that made him add, “Starting to think I wasn’t cut out for this whole gig. All I’ve done is drag my nieces and their little friends into this whole mess and nearly got ‘em all killed. Isn’t really comparable to ‘restoring world communications’.”

“Yeah, I suppose being on the front lines at Haven and ensuring a relic didn’t fall into Salem’s hands is a bit more impressive.” Before he could even try to argue, Clover placed a hand on his shoulder and said, “We’ve all had to make some tough calls lately, but I know those kids were in good hands when one of the best huntsmen in all of Remnant was at their side.”

He could feel a blush creeping up his neck. “You’re just saying that because you’re completely starstruck with me.”

“I am.” The admittance was said with absolutely no hesitation, the man’s smile growing. “Qrow, some of my very best missions have been the ones I’ve gotten to go on with you. I admire you. Not because of your skill, but because you’ve never let the job change you. You scoff at your own fame and you don’t take missions looking at lien signs first. You do it for the right reasons, every time. I think that’s amazing.”

The blush was definitely on his face now.

Worse yet, the doubts and worries that had weighed on his mind for days now seemed to lighten, just a little bit.

Gods be damned, how did he always do that?

With no idea how to respond, he mumbled out a soft, “Thanks” hoping it came out more sincere than awkward.

“Anytime.” Thankfully, Clover backed off a bit, focusing back on the rabbits at his feet, picking up Bolt. Having gotten his name from how skittish he was, the cottontail took time to calm enough so he could be brushed.

Long enough for Qrow to compose himself before he spoke again. “So, how have things been otherwise?”

“They’ve been…” His shoulders fell, “Rough.”

Any doubts Qrow might have had before about the Ace Ops’ unannounced replacement crumbled right alongside Clover’s normally strong posture.

He shut his eyes, taking in a deep, bracing breath. As he focused on his friend once more, it was with all the unexpecting kindness he could muster that he asked, “Do you want to talk about him?” For a split second, Clover looked just like the rabbit in his lap – ready to sprint as far away as he could from danger. So Qrow quickly added, “You don’t have to, if you’re not ready.”

Silence blanketed over them like a snowstorm, cold and desolate. The kind of weather that blew in fast and came down slow, pressing everything into such an unnoticed hush most didn’t notice their homes being covered until they looked up and saw they were six feet under. That’s where Clover seemed to be now, stuck inside and standing at the front door, uncertain if he was prepared to create the unavoidable mess it would take to dig his way outside.

Only this time, Qrow had given him the shovel. He just had to use it.

Leaving the soldier to sort out his emotions, Qrow idly pet Jynx, fingers scoring through her sleek black fur.

And he waited.

His gaze drifted to the ring of Cypress trees that bordered outside of the pen.

And he waited some more.

When Clover finally did speak, it seemed a struggle, the words fighting their way out. “Can you imagine how it was for us that day, when we watched our own Knights turn on Vale’s citizens? It was like a nightmare. We didn’t know what had happened. No one did. Without James to explain – to speak for himself – the council started shutting down units left and right. The AKs, the paladins, even our Manta Flyers. We had to rip out billions of lien in automated equipment just so we could fly down to Mantle.”

As if he were a Flyer himself, Bolt suddenly leapt out of his lap, landing back on the grass below. He quickly crowded himself between Orion and Sirias, trusting the giant Altexs to protect him.

Clover just let him go, dropping the brush beside himself as he shook his head. “By the time we got there, the city was overrun. Normally, we’d have enough firepower to deal with it. But James had brought most of the troops with him. Even when they came back, none of them were allowed to deploy to the field until they got questioned. It was a mess. Students and soldiers were kept in lockdown. James was incarcerated. It was months before we learned anything. And every day the public was kept in the dark, every day people feared the other kingdoms would come for us, was another day Grimm surged to our borders.”

It was a familiar story. Beacon’s fall shook the world in a brutal way, leaving no Kingdom untouched. Borders closing. Grimm everywhere. The peace between nations suddenly balancing on a delicate string, just waiting for something to break it.

Yet of everything that had come after that one, awful night, it was the personal losses that struck the hardest.

“I kept telling my own team to just… hold on another day. That things would get better soon. But then-” Clover choked for a second, having to swallow hard. “We got a report of a nest of Centinels in the basement of an apartment complex downtown. We were still cleaning up some stragglers nearby, so I sent Harriet and Tortuga ahead. It couldn’t have been more than ten minutes before Harriet started radioing in. ‘The building came down!’ she kept screaming. I’d never heard her so panicked.”

Qrow sucked in a sharp breath and for a second, he was right there with the other huntsman. Except, for him, it was with a scroll in his ear and Oz’s grief-filled voice shattering his soul as the headmaster told him one of his closest friends wasn’t coming home.

The flash of memory faded as quick as it had come, but the heaviness in his heart stayed as Clover pressed on.

“She told us that some Centinel acid had melted through a supporting wall. Tortuga had been slowing the damage while Harriet tried to get all the occupants out in time. Any other day, they could have done it. If we weren’t all running on empty, I know they could have. Instead, they were only halfway through when suddenly, it all just came down. Harriet was outside when it happened.” Clover lent forward, hay crunching under his grasp as he clutched onto it. “The whole time I was running to their position, I kept telling her everything would be fine. I’d use my luck and we’d pull him out and he’d probably laugh at us for worrying so much. Never knowing it didn’t matter how much luck I had.” He chuckled. It was a hollow, broken noise. “He was already gone. The pathologists said he’d died instantly.”

Then that chuckle turned into a sob.

Knowing better than most that there were no words that made this part easier, Qrow did the only thing he could as he slid a hand along the other’s back and tugged him close.

It was a quarter to nine by the time they were getting ready to leave. Clover gave one last cursory check to the food and water while Qrow mentally counted the warren for a fourth time – they didn’t need another incident like when Snowblossom escaped and terrorized the lavender field. He’d finished his count by the time Clover was ushering him through the gate.

He’d finished it again when it locked behind them.

As they started around the first bend of the path, he almost couldn’t fight the urge to go back just to be safe.

Luckily, Clover was a great distraction. “So now that you’re in Atlas, what do you and your entourage plan to do?”

“Uh.” Was that a trick question? “Help with Jimmy’s pet project, obviously.”

“Besides that. It’s not like we’re going to work you all 24/7.”

Qrow wouldn’t mind if they did. At least, for him. Free time seemed… dangerous, when he’d used to fill it with taking shots at the nearest bar. Really, the more he thought about it, the more he realized he didn’t really do much else. When he was bored, he went to a bar. When he had a day off, he went to a bar. When he was looking to have fun, he went to a bar. When he didn’t want to see people, then he skipped the bar, got a six pack, and drank himself to oblivion.

Shit.

He was going to have to find a hobby, wasn’t he?

In the end, he shrugged, replying glumly, “Guess we’ll have to figure it out.”

“What about training?” Clover held up a hand in a gesture of peace as Qrow frowned at him. “Not you. The kids. There’s going to be a lot ahead for all of us and the sooner we get used to working together, the better. And, well, considering their age I’m sure some of them are still rough around the edges too.”

He snorted, but didn’t argue that fact. Really, all of them were incredibly skilled, but that didn’t mean perfection. Ren was still flaking in the stamina department. Weiss had to work on her spatial awareness. Jaune needed, well, everything. After years of being a combat teacher, it wasn’t hard to pick out the kids’ flaws. To say nothing of Oscar who, without Oz as a crutch, probably would be better off if they just shipped him into a witness protection program.

It was time that worked against them all. Ideally, it’d be best enrolling them back into school, were they could finish off their graduate programs and gain the wisdoms of various professors who could help them hone their talents. But, seeing as that wasn’t in the cards, he supposed getting some pointers from some of the best Atlas had to offer was a decent replacement.

“I’m sure they’d like that.” Qrow could already imagine how Ruby would bounce off the walls at the idea of getting trained by real huntsmen. As if he were chopped liver, or something.

(He could also already picture her waving his complaints away. “Uncles don’t count. You’re obligated to do nice things for me.”)

“Great! We can work out a schedule once you’re all a bit more settled.” Clover was practically glowing, as if he couldn’t wait to start penning things in on his calendar. Dork.

Yet, he’d take this much happier, lively Clover over the despairing, grieving one he’d just consoled any day of the year.

In fact, the air was so much lighter than it had been, as they rounded another bend and the willow tree came into sight, he was already preparing himself for the other man to drop his usual line, retort already on the tip of his tongue.

Yet, as they came level with it, Clover did something even more daring as he reached across the space between them and caught Qrow’s hand in his.

He stared down at this grand declaration, then up at Clover himself, meeting questing, hopeful eyes.

Heart racing, he curled his fingers over Clover’s, and despite the other’s rounded knuckles or his own lanky fingers, despite mismatched calluses and hairline scars, despite the rings or the gloves, they seemed a perfect fit.

Perhaps, Qrow wouldn’t be so bored in Atlas after all.

#qrow branwen #clover ebi #fair game #fairgameweek2021 #rwby #fanfiction #Chase Firekitten's Tale

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autisticchicc · 3 years

Text

Autism and Love

TW: Mentions of physical and emotional abuse, drug-related metaphor

Love and obsession, for me, are separated by a very thin line. Even if I weren’t autistic, I know I would still love fiercely, but I also know that autism has a profound effect on the way that I feel and express love.

In my life there have been numerous occasions where I thought I was in love, and I often still debate with myself about whether I have ever been ‘in love’. Nowadays I tend to take the view that love is something very personal, and just because it doesn’t last doesn’t make it any less valid. Being someone who is still on good or even great terms with all of my ex partners, I’d say I absolutely loved them at one point in my life. Maybe I still do love them, but I live a strictly categorised life. That love is now a purely a platonic love that comes from knowing and trusting someone for a long time. That ability to categorise so strictly is something some of my exes have had a hard time coming to terms with, I am quick to move them into the platonic love category and keep them there. Once someone has been placed in the platonic category, they do not leave. I don’t get back with ex-partners, and I don’t actually think its possible due to that strict categorisation.

My very first boyfriend sent me a message the other day asking if I ever still think about him. I replied honestly and said that I do not. I think that this comes from the strict categorisation too. If you are my friend, I think about you, but not that often. I have a lot of things happening in my head at all times, a sensory cornucopia that is exhausting to sort through, a conscious stream of five or six trains of thought, and my special interests. Special interests are a really intriguing factor in the context of autistic love, because I believe that the intense focus and adoration we treat our interests with absolutely translates to the people we fall in love with.

Anyone who has been close friends with me while in a relationship knows how insufferable I am when I love someone. I talk about them at any given opportunity, for longer than the other person probably cares to hear about it at times. When I love someone, they become a source of great inspiration, I find the characters I write resembling them, I could spend hours editing pictures and videos of them, my artwork is littered with their image. Love, for me, is an all-encapsulating thing. It invades every aspect of my life, consciously or subconsciously. They become the most beautiful person in my eyes, I drink in their image as though dehydrated. Curiously, even things I perhaps did not like about them before suddenly become things I look at fondly. Something about that shift from like to love, it is a very powerful shift for me.

Ironically, I’m not very forthright with my expressions of love. After mulling it over for years, I’ve realised that I’ve been conditioned to believe that love and pain go hand in hand. When you love someone, you must expect them to hurt you. At least, that’s what I thought until I deconstructed why I thought that. I had become accustomed to people weaponising my love for them, using it to blackmail me emotionally or to excuse physical abuse. As such, although I feel so deeply for the people I love, I am always very anxious about showing it in ways that can be used against me. I don’t show them the story or the art that I created inspired by them, for fear that they might think me obsessed for spending so much time on something pertaining to them.

I get very embarrassed when performing acts of service for my partners. I enjoy tidying and cleaning a lot, and I often want to do it for my partners to make their lives easier, but I get scared that they will think I’m being subservient and that they can take advantage of me. When I see my partner enjoying something or fostering a talent, I desperately want to invest in it, buy them tools and find resources so that they can develop it further, but am scared that they will think me strange and over-enthusiastic. I’m the kind of partner that loves extremely hard, and wants to express it as such, but I cannot quite get over the shame.

I have only recently been able to engage in non-sexual physical touch without flinching. Learning that touch is your love language when you have been shying away from it for years is a strange thing. It almost feels like a betrayal of sorts. Why was I denied this thing that I love for so long? And the reality is, it was a part of that fear. I have to be vulnerable with someone in order to allow them to touch me. Vulnerability has never come easily for me, although I always desperately wanted it. Finding someone that I can entangle limbs with, that I can kiss and hug on a whim, that I can show physical affection in my ‘weird’ autistic ways with has been very therapeutic for me. For the first time, I feel like I can have vulnerability and touch without it being thrown back in my face. It feels desired and reciprocated, not only do I want to touch and hold this person, but they want to touch and hold me too.

Another lesson within that has been ensuring that while I maintain my tough, outer visage, I am honest about needing to be soft and fragile sometimes. I have always been forced into being strong and resilient, it was never a conscious choice that I made for myself. I was forever pushed to be strong for other people, constantly making sure that those that needed me didn’t have to see me struggling or breaking under pressure. I never had someone I felt I could truly cry in front of, ugly, drunken sobbing type of crying. At least not without feeling judged or treated like a flight risk. Having someone I can be unapologetically sad in front of and they don’t force me to be strong for their own comfort feels so alien to me, but the relief it fills me with is immense. I am no longer pretending, and I am no longer embarrassed to be fragile. I can break down in front of this person and they will never question my strength.

While crying and vulnerability are certainly an obvious hurdle for plenty of people in relationships, for autistic people there is the added stress of getting used to unmasking in front of a partner. I didn’t get diagnosed for a very long time, which will tell you just how good I am at masking. As a Hispanic girl, a lot of my behaviours weren’t reprimanded too much. Being loud and aggressive is normal in Spanish culture, and oftentimes isn’t even interpreted as aggression the way it is in the UK. Conversely, I did terribly with the tactile nature of social interaction in Spain and among Hispanics. I didn’t want to kiss strangers or even family members on both cheeks, I didn’t like having my cheeks squeezed by old women, and I didn’t like people touching, grabbing, or shaking me. But I was unfortunately forced to do it for my own survival. I don’t know if the sentiments around disabilities have changed in Spain, but the way I remember it in the part I grew up in was that they weren’t talked about. I didn’t even know what disabilities were until I came to the UK.

In England, pretty much every aspect of my behaviour was reprimanded; my loudness, my ‘aggression’, my opinionated disposition, my lack of a filter, my inability to understand my classmates’ feelings… The list goes on and on. At a certain point, I learned to just hold in a lot of my personality until I got home. What I didn’t realise that I was actually holding in some instinctive behaviours in privacy as well, I would flinch and stop if I noticed myself stimming, my face would go red when I couldn’t verbalise properly, and I often found myself practicing facial expressions in the bathroom mirror because I was self-conscious that I wasn’t doing them ‘correctly’. I started my own personal journey so to speak about a year ago to completely unmask, alone. I still cringe when I catch my arms pulling up into ‘t-rex’ form or if I start verbally/physically stimming, but I’m slowly becoming less ashamed of myself.

Consequently, unmasking in front of someone else has been incredibly nerve-wracking. The ‘issue’ (I say issue but it’s quite the opposite) is that I’m so comfortable in my partner’s home that I unmask without even realising it. Something I’ve noticed however, is that half the time they don’t. When my fingers twist and rub against each other, I glance up nervously to see if I’m being watched. No one has even glanced at me. I stammer and mess up my sentence, or my mouth fails halfway through, and yet even then no one laughs or looks at me strangely, they just wait for me to rectify or finish the sentence. I wonder if part of me still thinks I’m under the ultra-critical gaze of my secondary school peers, expecting to be torn to shreds verbally over my quirks as I always was, but it never happens. I have to constantly remind myself that I am well liked here, and my quirks are something people are fond of now.

Overall, love as an autistic person is intense and difficult, but an experience that is so all-consuming it feels almost like you’re on some kind of drug. I’m a very logical, science-based person, but love is one of the few things that still feels remotely magical to me. It can draw me out of my cold, black and white world and into an illogical whirlpool of emotion. I rarely act on emotion alone, but love is something that certainly has the power to make me do so. It embarrasses me a lot, it makes me feel out my depth, it makes me behave in ways I normally wouldn’t, but I’ll endure those feelings any day for the reward. I still have a long way to go before I can properly express myself to a partner, but one day I’d really like to be able to show them all my projects inspired by them, and the true level of sappiness I’m capable of (lol).

#autism #asd #aspergers #autism and love #asd and love #love #disability #disability and love #aspiegirl #neurodivergent #neurotypical #neurodiverse #autistic #autism spectrum #autism awareness #autism and relationships

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the-wlw-cafe · 4 years

Text

Insignificant, Part 3 of 3 (A Baby!Danvers Imagine)

Part 1 Part 2

Fandom: Supergirl

Request: Kara comes in contact with Red Kryptonite and hurts Baby Danvers.

Words: 1450

Warnings: None

They catch her, in the end. They actually manage to apprehend Kara before she goes on to do more harm (and before the public catches on that something is wrong with Supergirl, thankfully) and there are little to no injuries during the operation.

At least, that’s what Alex tells you after hours of fretting while being left in the dark. Every fibre of your being was telling you to get out there, to help, to find out what was going on, but you couldn’t. Not after you finally found out what Kara thinks about you, how she feels about you getting involved. Getting in the way would be more like it, you think to yourself grimly.

So you wait in the DEO hospital bed that Alex has escorted you to, where there’s nothing to do but stare at the ceiling at let your brain run wild with anxiety, until finally, after what feels like ages, the doors open with a mechanical hiss and you see Alex enter. She looks exhausted, but relieved. You’re relieved as well of course, but you’re not sure how your family can ever be the same after what happened, the ugly truths that came to light. Would Kara even want to be in the same room as you?

Alex lets herself fall into one of the chairs next to you with a loud huff. “Kiddo, listen…”, she begins.

You brace yourself for whatever she might say.

We don’t want you snooping around in the DEO anymore.

We don’t want you associating with Supergirl anymore.

Kara doesn’t want to see you anymore.

“What Kara said when she was infected...whatever it was, I’m sure she didn’t mean it. She’d never hurt you, physically or emotionally.”

You fight back the impulse to snort. Yeah, right. She’d never hurt you, except for when she did and left you with bruised ribs and a re-broken hip.

Alex senses that her words haven’t brought the comfort to you that she intended, so she sighs and moves her chair closer to your bedside, it’s legs scraping loudly across the hospital floor.

“You know, the first time Kara got infected with red kryptonite, she broke my arm.”

You gasp. You remember the time Alex came home from work with a broken arm, she never told you how she got the injury so you just assumed she got hurt at work. You balk.

“It took a while for us to mend things between us”, she continues. “But I understand that the negative feelings that drive her under the influence of red k are a part of her she’s buried deep, deep inside until it could fester into something harmful like this.”

You nod, despite being miles away from understanding. Conflicting emotions swirl inside you. Alex and Kara had always been a package deal when fighting, able to support each other perfectly. You knew they had a rough start when Kara first came into your family, but you’d never have guessed that Kara still carried enough resentment from that time to break Alex’ arm under the influence of an alien substance. But still, they seem to have recovered – the thought fills you with an ember of hope. Then again, you’re not Alex, you’ll never be. Next to your sisters it’s always hard to feel like anything more than a disappointment.

“Where’s Kara?”, you ask, hoping to divert her focus away from you.

“She’s resting under the sunlamps, we had to knock her out with a controlled dose of kryptonite.” Alex worries her bottom lip. You feel your heart clench in sympathy as you imagine what it must have felt like for Alex to poison her own sister. Your sister seems to notice your distress and leans over to give your hand a gentle squeeze. “She’ll be fine in the morning, trust me. And you should rest too, you’ve had a hell of a day.”

“Yeah, no kidding”, you sigh and give her a small smile. It seems to pacify her a bit, and she says goodnight – her day was hell too, and it isn’t even finished. You honestly try to take her advice, you make an honest effort to get rest, but despite how tired your body is your mind can’t relax. You close your eyes and pray for sleep to take you.

“(Y/N)?”

You’re almost completely sure you imagined it. This can’t have been Kara’s voice. After all, Kara is supposed to be recuperating under the sunlamps right now, and even if she wasn’t, she’s made it perfectly clear that you are the last person she’d want to see.

“(Y/N), I know you’re awake, I can hear your heartbeat.” And she can definitely hear your breath hitch after that statement.

“What do you want?”, you ask as you turn around to face her, your voice cracking on the last word making you sound not half as confident as you wanted to appear. But you’re not the only one who is a mess – Kara looks just as bad. She’s pale and the circles under her eyes are dark, without a doubt she would have needed a few more hours under the sunlamps, but what takes you aback the most are her eyes, red rimmed and puffy like she’s been crying.

“I know you probably don’t want to see me after what I did, but please, please hear me out,” she says in a warbling tone. When you don’t answer she takes a step towards you – instantly you’re thrown back into your apartment only hours ago, with Kara advancing on you, lifting you up, and the sudden stab of pain as she hurled you across the room…

As Kara takes in the fear on your face she stops dead in her tracks, a choked sob escaping her lips as she runs her hands through her hair desperately.

“Rao, I’m so, so sorry for what I did! I...the red k...it made me so…”, she trails off helplessly.

“I’m sorry, too”, you find yourself saying. Her eyes grow wide.

“No, no, no, (Y/N), you did nothing wrong!” Horrified, she drops to her knees at your bedside.

“You were right, though. I am insignificant. I’m just a human, a human with no special training or skills at that, what good could I ever be in a fight?”

Kara seems truly at a loss for words.

“(Y/N)...you’re so, so brave, and it’s something I admire so much about you. The way you will keep fighting against all the odds is nothing short of inspiring. But I also worry about you, always, so, so much. We all do. And sometimes I get frustrated, because no matter how often Alex or I tell you to save your own life first, you always keep rushing in. It’s part of who you are, you could never turn a blind eye to people getting hurt, and I know I can’t force you to stay out of it. Well, until the red k came along, and it whispered to me that I could force you, I could hurt you for your own good, to keep you safe.”, she breaks off with another sob. You are stunned speechless. Kara seems to take your silence as a bad sign, and tearfully continues:

“And I understand if you can never forgive me, and if you can’t look past what I did, but please don’t let fear change who you are, because who you are is my little sister, and I couldn’t stand to lose you.”

Kara isn’t looking at you anymore, like she can’t bear to meet your eyes. Instead she is talking to the edge of your bed.

“Kara”, you say, gently laying a hand across her fingers that are clutching the bedframe so hard she would have dented the metal if she wasn’t recovering from kryptonite poisoning. Hesitantly, she looks up at you, and in her wet eyes you can see something like hope reflecting back at you.

“Do you really think I’m brave?”

She nods decisively. “The bravest”, she croaks.

“That’s what I think about you and Alex. And you and Alex...you managed to put it behind you, too.”

There’s no need to explain what you mean, you can see that Kara knows the exact incident you’re referring to when you see guilt flicker across her features.

“Yeah, we did.”

You squeeze her hand. “Then we will too.”

Kara gives you a tearful smile before getting to her feet. You can see her sway as she tries to get up.

“You should be resting under the sunlamps right now, doctor’s orders!”, you chide her gently.

“Well”, she says, with the hint of a mischievous smile, “I guess not listening to our older sister is a Danvers trait.”

#supergirl imagine #kara danvers #Alex danvers #supergirl Reader insert #it's midnight i'm dying why did i Marathon write this fic aaaaaaaa #Baby danvers #Baby danvers day

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