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xtrablak674 · 7 days

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[Originally posted on Live Journal on Wednesday, May 17th 2000 at 12:43am, edited for clarity]

When you first walk into my apartment it smells tart. I know exactly what it is, but it still feels foreign. Its the chemical reaction that this neutralizer had to the paint peeler I am using, I have burned some incense to rectify the problem. It's 12:13am and I have just returned back from the movie, and other then the entire cast of The Best Man being in it, I enjoyed it.

Now I am chilling eating a butterscotch krimpet kake by TastyKake, my fingers still a little sticky with pineapple juice from the fruit I stopped and picked up after the movie. On my list of to-do's this evening other then doing this journal entry, which I really hope is going to help me find my writing voice again. I have to finish my application to the White Institute, I think I have completed it. I am happy with it as I can get with it and pleased this time I actually completed it. YEAH!

Anastasia is waiting patiently at my left, looking for an opportunity to jump on my lap. Since I am going to be on the computer for a bit I am opening tabs for my online friends, including johncamlive, christiangrantham.com, keithcam, and Pecsjockcam to whom even though I think he hates my guts I still watch religiously. I am an obsessive voyeur, but I guess its more interesting living other peoples lives then your own. (mental note: go back and make the links live of those site you mentioned)

Anyway, I am stuffing myself of this kake you would think I have never seen food before, and its not like my waistline need it. UGH! I have to send Jeff an email about the gym and his being my personal trainer. I really need to do some exercise other then pointing and clicking the mouse and tickling the keyboard. Too bad you can't get exercise thru you fingers cause if you did I would be such good shape :)

I have so much going on I don't know what to write about and what not to, I guess I should just continue stream of conscious until I am pooped and will do something else. I wish I could say I was horny, but I am not, I have really had NO sex drive lately, I don't know what that is all about, maybe its a good thing. There is one guy I have sex drive for and thats Tony the guy I am dating. He seems to be the only one who can get me horny or get me thinking about sex. Which is upsetting to me cause then it feels like I am committing more to him and I don't sort of want to. (mental note, put picture of Tony in journal)(mental note: begin researching new web host)

But anyway, I guess part of it is I spend so much time alone, which in away I enjoy since I don't like too much drama, but in other ways it gets a little tired, and I sometimes need outside stimulation other then the controlled environment of my DSL-jacked in all-the-time internet connection.

I am chilly let me put on a jacket, hold on...

Anyway....

So much is goin on with leaving kbp [kirshenbaum bond & partners] and all... its a little anti-climatic cause I won't let anyone do any big "to do" about me leaving, I am not trying to go out like that, I just want to be out, you know what I am saying I have been at the agency like goin on 4 years and its just time to get out in creation.

Its not goin to be easy and I know that the same kind of dysfunction that I got away with at kbp I am not going to be able to get away with at SFI, and I know it, and they are paying me nice cheddar so I can't be acting up... Well I can act up a little bit...

I have to speak briefly on my protégé Rob McFarland who I am leaving to the sharks, its so funny how your life can have so many mirrors about it. Rob is like a mirror to Choan my younger brother, who I am now not speaking to after his threatening me and disrespecting me over the phone, a kind of behavior I will not tolerate.

Anyway, Mr. McFarland (thats how I always refer to him) was telling me today he was so upset with me for leaving that he could punch me, which I just find so amusing. Rob like Choan is younger then me, Rob by 4 years at least compared to the two of Chaon, same general complexion as Choan paper-bag tan brown, and hot tempered. I do hope Rob will work on his temper and his anger, he has so much in him to give. I am hardly one to talk, I am quite overdue for some therapy myself, but I just hope he will be able to work well with the next people he has too. It was a blessing to both of us to work together, his being straight and my being the queerest thing since polyester. It made for a good challenge.

I actually had doubts about whether I could work with him or not, cause he was so straight and obviously homophobic (just like Choan) But his work was very tight, which allowed me to accept his learning curve... :) I am very happy to have hired him and to allow him the voice to get a better initial offer then what I offered, the boy has got skills he just needs to focus and he will do just fine.

I hope they will challenge him more then they did me. But time will tell. I think I should wrap up cause this is a long as entry and my fingers are getting tired and I do want to wrap up a few things, like checking the IMDB for the cast list of Love and Basketball and compare it to the one for The Best Man both of which Spike Lee was the producer for...anyway till next time. Peace&Blessings

[Wow, this is twenty four years ago! #NoWords The thing that was most surprising in revisiting this entry is the fact that I deliberately hired a homophobic assistant. It speaks to how clearly I prioritized my obligations to my race over those of my sexual identity. If I recall, I think I had a huge part in the final decision of who would be working under me, and I knew that it would be someone Black. I think I also wanted to pay forward the opportunity I was given having this corporate America job, which can be a very hard space for folks of color to thrive in.

I am blown away that Mr. McFarland thought it was remotely appropriate to threaten violence towards me in the work place, but as I recount at the time I was conflating my professional relationship with the personal relationship of my younger sibling. This is probably why I gave him a huge berth to basically be rude and inappropriate.

The other thing I actually like in this post is the nuance and detail. I am talking about the smells in the room, the taste of the food also the asides about other tasks I need to do. I was hoping to find my voice and I think my voice is very evident in the way that I recorded my feelings that evening. It feels like a time machine trip to that moment in my past where my life was in turmoil as I was leaving the security of one position and taking a risk on the dot-com era career jumping.

My gamble would ultimately not pay off, me being let go with basically the entire staff of the New York office. But this would lead me to my next journey which was me running my own branded website and identity materials firm.

A couple of explanatory commas, The William Alanson White Institute was an institution for training psychoanalysts and psychotherapists which also offers general psychotherapy and psychoanalysis. It is located in New York City, United States, on the Upper West Side, in the Clara Thompson building. It was founded as a protest against the mainstream of American psychoanalytic thought, which was thought to be sterile, dogmatic, and constrictive by the psychoanalysts who founded the institute. - via Wikipedia

I would soon thereafter start therapy with Dr. Anita close by in Park Slope. The therapy ultimately ended because in the corporate world I had such antagonistic relationships with whyte women, that I didn't really think I could find healing with a person who idealized for all intensive purposes my mortal enemy.

During Internet 1.0 webcam sites were very very popular along with reality TV shows like Big Brother, watching other people lives twenty-four hours a day every day was just huge. I was caught up in this trend preferring to watch other queer people, sometimes having multiple window open at a time. I have so many screen-grabs from this period, where it wasn't streaming video but more a refreshing picture every few seconds.

Twenty four years ago I had no idea what would become of this journal I was keeping. I don't even think I could visualize my future-self well enough to know if I would appreciate these missives or not. But I do, continually I am always proud of my past-self and the very good decisions I have made, I am not always saying the results were ideal, but the essence of the intention always shines through.

Photo by Brown Estate]

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z0m813 · 7 months

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there is so much unseen and incomprehensible beauty in this world and i'll never be able to see it all but i think that if i try to experience even just a bit of it, i can die satisfied. will that be enough? will i have done enough to deserve that ending?

i love the universe for all of its beauty and all of its destruction, why is it hard to accept the same for our existence here on earth? maybe its because the destruction here has a direct impact on life. then again, who knows how much life just ended when that one galaxy collided with that other one. i wonder how much death happens within the light of the distant stars i gaze at in the nighttime. i wonder if they wonder the same about us?

when will i be able to make sacrifices for my own happiness? is it just, to simply exist when others aren't allowed? at what point is it okay for me to be happy without that guilt hanging in the back of my skull, saying i don't deserve it? i want to enjoy living, maybe then this will all be worth something, but also maybe i shouldn't enjoy it when there is so much pain and injustice in this world. how could i possibly coexist with that? i just want to see the world through the lens of the brown bear atop a great mountain, where society's wrongdoings cannot reach me and i am able to feel content

maybe suffering negates happiness but maybe my happiness can also negate suffering even if it's just a little bit, even if it's selfish. there's nothing i can do that will reverse the increasing entropy of the universe, but tomorrow i will help somebody and then i will help myself and maybe that's the only balance i can restore with my hands but it will have to be enough because i deserve peace too

contemplations after a google search, "how to be happy when people are suffering"

#web weaving #webweaving #poetry #spilled ink #quotes #trail cam footage #hubble #z0m813

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