#weekwrite

[weeklywritings36]

12/21/2023

The user interface has changed since I last attempted to write anything. You can just select the kind of text instead of me pressing the button to get to largest then accidentally overshooting it and needing to go around again.

I don't really know what to write. I just am feeling really really really lost today.

Years and years ago I made a promise to myself. I would not kill myself yet. I would give myself 10 years from the onset of my depression symptoms to try to get better. I'd try all of the medications and therapies and programs. If it didn't work by then I would call it quits. I didn't want to spend the rest of my life misreable and 10 years of misery would be enough.

And I got better. I got so much better. I have a whole list of diagnosies. It helps to treat things when you know what they are. Treating depression doesn't work well when it's actually bipolar disorder and PTSD. Also Anxiety, dermotelomania, the cusp of a BPD diagnosis, undiagnosed ADHD but if the shoe fits, and minor psychosis. I was in programs, specialized therapys, I tried over a dozen different medications and eventually found ones that worked.

The thing is. That date is soon. For a while it felt like something to be celebrated. I made it. I healed. Am healing. Will continue to heal.

But.

It feels like the last exit sign. My last chance to get off the ride. I feel like I cannot die after this. Just as I've felt for a few years that it's been so long since I self harmed so I can't break that streak. It feels like an impossible wall. I hate commitment. It's scary and awful. This would be my commitment to life. But what if I need to get off this ride later? This is my last chance. I can't die after that date.

Is my fear of commitment that strong that I'd commit suicide to avoid commiting to living? The language is literally commit. It's a commitment to death then.

I don't know. I've got a lot of really great stuff in my life. Before writing this I read through every single thing I've written here. And I have so much good. I've got a partner I've been dating for 4 years who really cares for me. I've got a job that I mostly like. I've got friends. All those reasons not to die don't feel right though. There is this sense of urgency. Running out of time. I don't have the strength to say no because this deadline is around the corner.

None of my mental health professionals were worried all those years of my 10 year plan. We all knew I had no interest in actually committing suicide before then. That's why my cry for help at my attempt was heard because I knew it was different. But the thing is all of it was already set up for me. By me. Years ago. The date the time the method the place. I have notes of how to write notes.

What the actual fuck is wrong with me? And unlike a health person or even a healthier me I haven't told a single person. Not my partner. Not a friend. Not a co-worker. Not even my cat. I don't know how. I think I'm crazy.

I don't know if I know anything anymore.

~36

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #weekwrite #trauma #tw suicide #tw self harm mention

[weeklywritings36]

5/29/2023

I like my job and what I do but I get like no days off of work. And this one of my only days off and I fucked everything thing up and now I'm spending it crying on the floor too upset to eat anything which is gonna make my whole day awful. I was supposed to have plans with two people and now I ended up with plans with nobody. I spent the whole time waiting to try to organize everyone's schedules and instead ended up with none because I didn't choose and then just accepted the first time I got given even though I probably should have asked for later. I'm just so mad at myself. This is literally the stupidest thing and I'm the only one to blame. I also have been prickly and picking mini fights everywhere. I want to go back to bed and I do not want to go to work tomorrow.

~36

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #weekwrite

[weeklywritings36]

1/4/24

Happy new year I guess. Still alive I guess. My supervisor asked if I was okay after a rough meeting.

In my head it's more of an actually? No I'm really not. I almost got hospitalized this weekend because my boyfriend was afraid I was going to kill myself rightly so because I wanted to. Instead I promised I'd wake him up if I was going to leave. He baracaded the door with a chair, pans on the floor, and towels so I wouldn't be able to leave without waking him up if I didn't keep my promise. I live with my toxic parents and cried when I had to go back. I have an obscene amount of unread messages. You are going to cut my hours. I want to die and this is not helping. Thank you for asking though.

I just said yeah. It's eaiser.

~36

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #weekwrite #trauma #tw suicide

[weeklywritings36]

1/1/2024

I made it. Somehow. Almost got taken to the hospital but I stayed free. I promised my partner that if I was going to go I'd wake him up first. I always keep my promises. And he baracaded the door with stuff so if I didn't trying to get out I'd probably have waken him up.

I'm still here. I don't know what to do with the rest of my life. It all seems so overwhelming. I don't know how to do tomorrow or the day after. I don't know how I'm still here. But I am.

There isn't really anything else to say. I just don't know what to do with myself.

~36

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #weekwrite #trauma #tw suicide

[weeklywritings36]

8/28/2023

I'm feeling real sad and disheartened today. My dad and I have had this joke about his company. Because they go above and beyound to do all these amazing things. So I'll say something about work and he'll say but this! and I'll say " your company. doesnt. count!" It's been this fun running gag. He works from home. His company's leave policy is a as needed honor system. He works in tech and they have hiring policies that are so inclusive. They actively work to have diverse teams because different people bring unique perspectives and ideas. He works with people all over the world. They switch off pager duty for when there are system errors so there is someone on call but it rotates.

His company just decided everyone needs to come into the office twice a week. No one wants to. They've been productive from home. The company said it's if you live near an office but has yet to define what that really means. My dad has unknown cancer. He finished chemo 4 months ago but the scans have been inconclusive. He might have it still he might not. He's immuncompromised at least until october even if he doesn't have it. They want him to sign an ADA form because they're saying his cancer is a disability.

I'm just sad. He told me and I looked at him and said I'm so sorry. Your company after years has decided to be just another corporation that doesn't care and doesn't listen to what their employees truely want. It counts now. I'm so sorry.

As I struggle with my own work nonsense of refusing me reasonable accommodations for a bunion foot surgery that went wrong with post op complications. Being told I'm not eligible for remote work. Then when I come in being put on personal leave against my will because I could be a hazard. And now that I'm back it feels like a game where anything I do could lead me to be ejected from my job. again.

Meanwhile sag and wga are still striking. Rent is stupid high. Don't get me started on car loan interest rates and the lack of new cars even available.

This corporate hellscape is a nightmare. And now, even my dad's job counts.

I'll hold on to hope because what else can I do.

~36

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #weekwrite

[weeklywritings36]

10/11/2022

Get yourself a therapy place that when you say you're worried about being a person in an interview they say, "well tell yourself to shush. You did the things you need to. Your aelf invalidation won't help.

And I said I'm worried and she said, "Well I'm not worried at all. Tonight you're more vulnerable. You'll put your best foot forward. You'll be okay."

Well. Tell yourselves to shush. We've got this I guess. Or well as she said, "it's not I guess. It's Yes!"

~36

#weekwrite #bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #did a great job of saying things that i was just like well i cannot argue bc this is just too funny

[weeklywritings36]

9/12/2022

3. sketchbook

"whatchu thinking about?"

"Ollita," I said and leaned my head over onto his shoulder. "I miss her."

"I know you do," he said as he pet my head.

"I just... I don't know. I was thinking the other day about dishwashers."

"Of course you were."

"Well yeah. But then I started thinking about how for Ollita everything is about art. And how my brother makes gorgeous art. I even commissioned him for work."

"I think those kids loved the puzzles."

"Me too," I slid down his shoulder until I was partially sideways with my head in his lap. "I've been writing poetry for work again. It's hard and taking me forever. Ollitaaaaa my museeee I need youuuuuu. Wait Hey! Give that back! I like that one!"

He had taken my hairclip out of my hair and was fidgeting with it. "you say that about all of them."

"And what of it?" I stuck my tongue out.

"Fidget."

"But yeah. I was thinking about drawing the other day. When I was younger one of my friends got me a nice sketchbook as a birthday present. I think I only ever used one page."

"You should let me draw in it."

"Out of sheer curiosity, maybe I will. Just no drawing anything weird like that one thing you drew on snapchat with the three people when we were at the cafe."

"No promises."

~36

#weekwrite #my blog my rules. if i wanna post twice in one day within 30 minutes i will

[weeklywritings36]

9/12/2022

I'm really upset about my lasanga right now. And that's a shitty sad story so instead I've decided to write something better

2. too many apples

"What are you doing?"

"What does it look like I'm doing?"

We stood by the table in the dining hall with the various fruit basket. Tonight they were filled with the typical options. One had the oranges, some with dark bruises that contrasted against the green tablecloth. Another basket contained bananas in various stages from unripe to pre-banana bread. The two I was in from of were the apple baskets. One basket of red apples, gala, and the other green apples, granny smith.

And I was currently shoving apples into my pocket.

"Isn't it only take 1?"

"I prefer to steal my fruit from the dinning hall than buy it. Besides, it's not like I'm the guy who walked out with various cutlery until he had a whole set. And the minumum wage dinning hall attendants don't care enough to stop me."

"Isn't that too many apples though?" he said as I turned away from the table.

"Nah. 2 pockets full of 3 apples each sounds perfect to me.

"If you say so"

"I do say so."

~36

#weekwrite #i fell asleep immediately after writing this which is why its the 11th now lol

[weeklywritings36]

9/1/2022

I saw a September OTP prompt list and it's 11:31 pm. I have work in the morning. So of course, I decided I needed to do write.

1. Haircut

He stuck his tounge out and made a face.

"Hair on your tongue?" I asked.

"yeah... I've really been meaning to get it cut."

i chuckled "you've been saying that all summer and before you started work yknow."

"I know," he said "I just keep ADHD-ing it."

"I know," I answered

He sighed. "It just gets all oily and because I thought I would have gotten one by now I didnt take care of the end."

I motioned grabing and pulling my hands apart, "but split ends are fun."

He gave me a look and then conitued, "I just really need it cut. Maybe tomorrow."

"but then I won't recognize you," I said.

"I'll text you. Okay?"

"Yeah that works."

"maybe you actually don't want me to get one hu?"

"No! I do! you said it bothers you a lot and i care about you and yeah." I shrugged.

"I care about you too. minor faceblindness and everything."

I snorted and bumped my shoulder into his. "I know you do."

I walked upstairs to get dressed after finishing my breakfast and my phone buzzed.

"No haircut today"

"thanks for letting me know :)"

"np lol"

~36

#weekwrite #I felt like writing so i did #despite the fact that it has nothing to do with my usual content at all

[weeklywritings36]

6/2/2022

Sometimes my happiness feels like a double edged sword. I'll be happy; find joy in the world. The next day I'll wake up and not feel up to getting out of bed, asking for help, and just feeling lost. It's just frusterating. Sometimes I really don't like being me.

~36

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #weekwrite #anxiety

[weeklywritings36]

6/1/2022

There's something inherently good about people even if it's not everyone. Like the man I asked for how to find my train who caught up with me 2 minutes later to say he accidentally sent me the wrong way and that it was hard to run with coffee in his hand. Or the other person who saw me trying and absolutely failing to get my suitcase up and came offer to help me without me asking.

The older I get the more I see; despite everything humanity is good.

~36

#weekwrite

[weeklywritings36]

2/9/201

I made some memes to make me feel better. Gonna share them cuz fucking relatable bro. I am not immune to mental health stimga just by having mental health issues. Whether to myself or other mental illni. So I made one for all of y'all too.

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #trauma #borderline personality disorder #anxiety #depression #mental health stigma #weekwrite #meme

[weeklywritings36]

7/27/2021

Sometimes hope feels like an expectation that needs to be lowered.

~36

#its been a long summer #bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #weekwrite #depression #anxiety

[weeklywritings36]

1/5/2021

Why can't I make myself better? Why can't i fix myself? I try so hard dammit. Why is it all still so broken I don't understand. What am I doing wrong? Why can't I make it stop? Why can't I be like othet people?

Please make it stop

~36

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #weekwrite #depression #anxiety

[weeklywritings36]

12/22/2020

Do it for them if not for yourself. Damn it all but don't you dare. You already know the answer to what you are trying to ask. You know she isn't right. I know you can't find me right now but I'm here still. I'm climate not weather. Even if you don't see it. I promise you. I know they say don't make those kind of promises but I'm telling you. Things can change.

Please let them. It hurts. Somehow nothingness hurts. I want to know when but I know you can't tell me that.

No I can't. I wish I could.

I'm so tired though. Will anything I do matter?

Yes.

But I don't know any of it. I have no idea why I'm in this major for a job I can't make a living with.

Someday it will make sense. That's the best answer I can give.

Should I message him back?

That one I don't know.

Thanks. Geuninly.

It's okay. You'll be okay. Someday you'll be okay like you've been wishing for since you first heard that word. Someday this moment will be part of your path the same way the very beginning of this blog started.

Recovery isn't linear. Don't forget that. But the path goes on. I'm still there.

~36

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #trauma #weekwrite #depression #anxiety #tw suicide #tw sucidal ideation #hope #im talking to the voices in my head that are all me #no one needs to understand this but myself #ill know what i meant

[weeklywritings36]

12/9/2020

It gets better. We go over this constantly. I know it does. I know it does. When. I don't know I'm sorry. I don't know what the point is. What am I working for? What's at the end of this? I'm tired. If there's no point then why am I doing this? When does it end? How do I make it stop? Why is this happening? Maybe I don't know has multiple questions including the ones you ask yourself.

~36

#bipolar disorder #ptsd #mental health #trauma #tw suicide #tw sucidal ideation #weekwrite