#well i got the task done that i was using to withold food from myself so i ordered food :3 good for me

[garlique]

the way i have been hanging out w so many disordered eating bitches lately...... im really boutta fall back into it huh

tw in tags for ed and weight loss talk :3

#ed tw #like really pls dont read this if itll trigger u im boutta talk v frankly abt my ed #my boy andrew the one i was gushing about last night literally Every time i see him is like #ooooh i haven't eaten today!! hehe oops and every time im like andrew that is Bad. that is Not Good #and hes like yea i know.... #and the horrible ed part of my brain is like why cant i be like that >:| #god u know what is really the fucked up thing abt my disordered eating is its completely changed like #the way i engage with other fat people too #which is so awful and i feel terrible but it used to be that like i viewed gaining weight as a typically good thing #and losing weight as a typically bad thing !! which like r all blanket feelings n i knew i needed 2 b more nuanced #and now i can't view gaining weight as a good thing anymore because people keep commenting on me losing weight #in a really positive way :( like i got weighed at the doctor and had gone down something like 40 pounds #since i was last there and she was like wow!! that's amazing !!! like ok #and even just like. people that i see. have started to be like wow you lost weight !! like ok #and i really think my being on adderall is not going to do good things for my eating #ive been awake for almost seven hours i woke up hungry and i still have not eaten yet :/ #and listen i know everything im saying is Not unique ok. i know that this is typical of most eds #but it is so scary. like genuinely my ed thoughts are so fucking scary #the longer i go feeling hungry the better i feel about myself. like wtf #well i got the task done that i was using to withold food from myself so i ordered food :3 good for me #idk. like i just need people to stop talking abt ed stuff around me but also i dont want to say that #because its helping my ed and its got its horrid little claws Deep in my skull #and also the number of people who don't believe me when i say i struggle w restricting is :((( #the thing is though like im not ready to recover #i dont want to be recovering rn. i want to be in it because i want to be losing the weight and i want to feel the hunger #ugh. idk. im gonna go keep working on my novel its making me happy today