#well none of that fucking matters!!! it barely makes me happy anymore. theyre just things.
(this post isnt being queued because if i post it at the ripe old time of 1 am fewer people will see it alright have a nice day)
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New au idea just dropped: abducted by aliens + found family; familial anadukeceit addition with a twist:
tw: minor abducted by aliens, mentions of illegal scientific experimentation on a minor, general au theme following the rescues of ppl getting abducted, those are the big ones, lmk if i missed anything!
Virgil and Remus are normal adult humans that are part of a galactic crew that specializes in rescuing aliens that were abducted for black market trade and experimentation purposes and rehabilitating them
Janus is a young teenage human who'd been abducted and experiemented on for two years before his rescue, leaving him half-covered in abnormally healthy scales, sharp fangs and coldblooded-like qualities, and without a way to talk like he used to.(he can growl and hiss and whine ect., but they mostly ruined his ability to mimick sounds without it being painful and thus he cannot actually try to speak without pain.) He's not seen another live human in years, and is way too young to know how to cope with it, so he doesn't trust anything anymore and often comes off as extremely violent because he doesn't know whats a threat and what isnt, and isnt honestly sure hes not experiencing a vivid nightmare half the time.
Cue this team getting a report from a different rescue group about requesting help for a specific rescue from their mostly human rescue team, this time its about a small earth-like dealthworlder that had been discovered and rescued as one of the few surviving aliens from an illegal testing facility.
Report lists it as extremely volitile and hostile, but only when provoked(see: any attempt to interact with it). If left alone, it simply cowers in a corner and cries. There have been efforts to get it to eat that have only been semi successful due to the poor thing seemingly not being able to digest certain foods, and they worry it will simply die of starvation, or loneliness, if they cant get it's condition stable.
The reason theyre requesting Virgil's team is because the original rescue has never seen this kind of alien before, but it looks mostly human and thats the assumption. Humans are known to have high-packbonding instincts, and that persistence for kinship is pretty much this rescue's last hope.
To the humans, its a bit of a far leap seeing as they arent provided with any clear pictures of the thing, but its their job and theyre getting paid to do it, might as well try.
They.. They arent prepared to arrive to the sight of a child. Well, sort of child. A teenager? Whose regardless way too thin and quite too small to look anything but vastly unhealthy.
From his one side of his ribs curled up all the way around one side of his face and down that arm are rich yellow scales, that perhaps look like the healthiest part of him.
He wears a blindfold from his previous containment, and word has it the first alien to try and take it off was met with the worst lash-out yet and was still in recovery. They had kept it on him because he wont let anyone near take it off. It keeps him calm to be sightless, and its unfortunately all they can do to keep him that way.
And well, while Remus has always been the best at taming some of the wilyest deathworld creatures, its actually Virgil who has skill in taming those few labeled 'deadly.'
He sees this 'dangerous' behavior for what it really is.
Fear.
This is a child who is scared, terrified, and lashing out at anything that doesn't feel safe.
So you can imagine the brief uptic in nervous alien chatter from the main observation room when Virgil decides to walk straight into the containment room with no gear, no food, nothing but himself and his jacket.
Its a little jarring to hear a teenager hiss angrily at you, but Virgil used to Be That Teenager, so he doesn't really react. And he can see it when he speaks, using a soft and comforting voice, the way this kid freezes at being spoken to. In a langauge he understands.
"Hey buddy."
There's an immediate growl of uncertainty, pressing himself further away. Disbelief. It cant be, right? It's been 2 years since hes been in a room with another living human, there's no way.
..Right?
"Cmon now, none of that. It's just me here right now. My names Virgil."
He doesn't really want to believe it, that hes hearing another human. But he cant help the instinctual need to turn and hide the scales, the thing that makes him a freak of nature, no human would want him after what had been done to him.
Its a slow back and forth, really. Virgil asking a mundane question and getting some cautious hiss or growl or click in reply. But slowly, ever so slowly, the boy is relaxing.
"Can I reach my hand out? I wont touch you, okay? I want you to reach out too, if you're okay with that. We can move at your pace, okay?"
And maybe he gets a slightly petulant whine, but theres no aggression. Just. stress.
He holds his hand out, palm down, and waits. And is rewarded with an extrsmely shaky hand reaching out and grasping his own with a little fumbling. And then theres a pause, where the boy is taking thw time to register the hand.
Human.
And then the boy is all but flinging himself forward, blindly reaching out with a sob. Maybe some aliens in the observation room tense, but the humans in the room remain completely calm.
And now Virgil has a lap full of entirely too distraught child and no say in the matter, but thats fine. Hes content to just hold the poor thing and let the kid cry it out, god knows he needed this.
They learn this kids name, Janus, through some shake tracing of fingers on skin, then pen to paper. He's barely 16, and was abducted at age 14.
They learn one eye had been tampered with as well to match the scales, but all that was successful was a color change to yellow. It fortunately affects Janus's sight very little, except when hes tired and finds himself with migraines from his eyes being tired.
Janus is a special case, because he cant go back home, not with the things hes seen and experienced, as the galactic rescue is still a bit of a secret to earth. But hes a minor, so he cant very well join the rescue yet, even if he wanted to.
So, Virgil and Remus adopt him. Janus is more than happy about it, despite his struggles to show it.
They have a number of humans and humanoids on their team, one of which is a therapist named Emile(human), and another who is their navigator and unofficial translator named Remy(half-human).
Janus p much gets unofficially adopted by them as well, standing in as the cool uncles most likely, but through them he learns to deal with his trauma, and gets to learn how to communicate via galactic hand-sign language.
Sometimes a family can be a Team Rescue Group Leader, his Danger Tamer Chaotic Boyfriend, and their Half Danger-Noodle Half-Sassy Human Son, and two fun uncles who collectively know how to heal trauma and 47 different ways to say 'fuck you' in alien.
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Come To Me | Lee Hangyul, Kim Yohan
Request:
hello 🥺 could i req a 99z scenario where hangyul is ur bf and he wants to have a threesome w yohan? and hangyul is more dominate towards u while yohan is more sub and wants to be praised by u and stuff if that makes sense jdjfjdjkj 😳🥺
Omg hi i’m the anon that was reading your kink post i was thinking about hangyul wanting to to anal w/ his s/o and her begging for it. Oof. Idk if anyone else requested something like that but if anyone did then theyre a genius. And if not it’s okay i’ll wait for the next time you open requests! I can be patient!!
↬ Pairing: Hangyul x fem!reader x Yohan
↬ Genre: Smut.
↬ Warnings: explicit language, rough!Hangyul, slight choking, degradation, dry humping, thigh riding, oral sex, fingering, double penetration, anal, unprotected/protected sex (?).
↬ Word Count: 3.8k
The sound of skin slapping filled the room, your face pressed against the mattress that swallowed all of your moans as Hangyul rammed into you intensely. Your grip on the bed sheets tightened at the same time that he yanked your hair, his other hand coming down harshly on your ass, adding to the already red marks that painted it and making you overly conscious of the butt plug inside of it before pulling you up, back pressed against his chest.
“Hangyul, please…” Your voice came out small and muffled between sobs, just the way he loved it.
“Hmmm, what is it baby? Is this not enough for you?” You shook your head but he ignored you anyway. “Are you afraid of someone walking in on use?” The way your breath hitched gave him the answer. “But wouldn’t you love that, whore? What if Yohan were to get in right now and found you like this?”
“F-fuck, stop, I can’t take it anymore…”
Nothing you said would make him stop now. “Bet you would love it if we both filled your holes up at the same time–” Your walls clenched at the thought, making him hiss and interrupt himself. “Aren’t you quite the slut? About to cum at the thought of Yohan’s cock?”
All the air in your lungs seemed to dissipate as he slid one of his hands up your chest, closing it around your throat and pressing slightly, enough to make you dizzy, grunting when he felt you cum on him and following you just a few thrusts after, spilling inside of you. His kisses seemed almost feather-like as he became sweeter, massaging your legs and caressing your sensitive skin before letting you go and finding some cloth to clean you up, cuddling next to you before whispering soft praises.
“You know… we could invite Yohan over.”
“What are you talking about?” Your slurred words made him smile, feeling proud of tiring you out so quickly.
“He once confessed to me that he would like to fuck you.” You turned around in a swift motion, eyes opening wide before he continued. “He was drunk and thought I was Wooseok.”
“What?!”
“I know, right? How could he confuse me with him, I’m taller and all–”
You shut him up. “Not by much.” Before he could complain, you went on. “Would you really be okay with that?”
Hangyul cocked an eyebrow. “So you really would like that, huh?” He pinned your arms down before you could smack him. “It would be a nice way to prove you that no one else can do it like me.”
And that was all it really took. Your boyfriend’s ego… it could be extremely sensitive, and the fact that he gave in to the experience despite his usual possessiveness was definitely something new. As the days passed, you started to think if it was the right choice, especially since Yohan wasn’t really answering to the request that Hangyul had made.
The screen playing the usual drama lighted up your face when you received a message ordering you to wear the new white lingerie set. It was usual for him to text you something like that, asking you to put on a specific outfit or wait for him in some kind of posture, most of the times it meant he had a rough day, but with that night’s promise in your mind you couldn’t help but to wish that the reason would be just a tiny bit different right now.
You changed into the clothes, your insides already buzzing with anticipation as you checked yourself out in the mirror. The sound of the keys on the door distracted you and you walked to the entrance, fixing the thigh highs before setting your hands behind your back, the heat spreading through your whole body as you saw the two males enter the apartment, a proud smirk plastered in one’s face while the other’s eyes were almost about to pop off.
“Welcome home, you worked hard.” It was the greeting you would always give to Hangyul, most of the times innocently, but for some reason it sounded incredibly lewd the moment you saw Yohan’s ears turn completely red.
“You complied so eagerly, not even replying to my text… guess you are happy that Yohan is here?” It was your turn to blush now while being exposed so blatantly by your boyfriend. “He is quite happy as well. Could you help him out?”
He was giving you the opportunity to give the final step and choose whether you were ready to do so or not, but there wasn’t a single stray of doubt in your body as you walked past him, holding Yohan’s hand softly and pulling him to the room, your heart beating faster as he followed without resistance. You signaled him to sit on the bed, your palms resting against his thighs as you leaned in to ask the definite outcome.
“Do you feel comfortable with this? You can say no, don’t worry.” His eyes went from you to Hangyul to the cleavage of your breasts hugged by the lacy fabric of your bra before nodding hurriedly. “I prefer you use your words.”
Yohan eyes went big and then closed for a second, trying to control the bulge between his legs at your tone. “Y-yes, I’m fine with all… this…” His words started to fall as you straddled him, Hangyul smirking at your boldness.
“You can do whatever you want as long as she gives you permission, don’t mind me.” His deep voice seemed to bring Yohan back to his senses, his head turning to him and nodding once more.
It was about time and getting familiar with the sensation, both for you and for him. There was something about being with another guy in front of your boyfriend that made you feel slightly uncomfortable whilst also incredibly turned on, wondering how would both of them react to each of your actions and whether there would be good or bad consequences afterwards.
All those thoughts seemed to drift off as you felt a strong pair of hands resting on your hips, Yohan gulping when you stared right into his eyes before getting closer and pressing his lips against yours. The kiss was… different from what you were used to. With Hangyul, everything was passionate, needy and even aggressive, usually none of you holding back one bit and ending up in a messy state, even when it was something slight it would always end up with one of you biting the other’s bottom lip or licking it, but Yohan was nothing like that. Instead, he was shy, patient, his plump lips becoming a sinful tease as he went deliberately slow, as if he was afraid of committing a mistake, but the more you replied to his touch, the eager he became, sighing into the kiss when you ground down on him.
If Hangyul always felt like pure adrenaline, Yohan was the sweetest sensuality. You rolled your hips, swallowing his breathy voice each time you grazed his clothed erection, enjoying the blush on his cheeks that followed while he apologized. Everything was going well, but not for your boyfriend, the slow burn driving him crazy as he decided to take the matter into his own hands, pulling you off of his friend’s lap.
“Did I do something wrong?” The small voice made your heart clench a bit and you quickly shook your head.
“He can’t deal with something being slow.”
He huffed, unbuttoning the other’s jeans, the expression on Yohan’s face making it hard for you not to laugh as Hangyul took them off followed by his shirt. “It’s too slow. Now sit here, you always talk about how nice his thighs are so there, ride him.”
Again, he exposed you but Yohan was pleased with it, smiling a bit as he patted on the skin. It made you a little bit nervous, the whole showing yourself to an almost stranger, letting him know how you acted in these kind of situations… you hadn’t thought about it before, about how you were going to look at him the next time that all of the group got to meet up or when he would come over with Seungyoun and Wooseok to have a movie night.
“So you like my thighs?” Dirty talking wasn’t something you were going to expect coming from him, not considering how shy he would get at every single thing you did.
Your hips started moving on their own, your eyes closed as you focused on his voice whispering on your ear how much he liked to feel you like this. Your core got wetter and wetter, the friction between the material of your underwear and his skin being too much to resist, a moan leaving your mouth as he clenched his muscles, stimulating your clit and his hands pressing you down more on him.
“Your confidence shoot up quite fast.” You joked as your hand came up to his hair, yanking on it as he let out a small cry. “Such a good boy pleasing me.” His eyes showed all the emotions he was barely holding in, lips slightly parted as your palmed his cock. “It’s only fair I give you some reward.”
It took everything in you to gather up the strength to leave his leg and falling to your knees, your mouth watering as you freed his hard on from his briefs, springing out and standing proud against his stomach. Yohan hissed as you grabbed it, your tongue darting out to lick the precum on the tip before spitting on it, your hand quickly spreading it along his length and starting to jack him off. His tiny gasps whenever you would tease his tip were intoxicating, his flavor making you hum before you felt a hand forcing you down all of a sudden, gagging as his thickness throbbed in your throat.
“Don’t be so conceited, slut. Show him how good you can take cock.”
Hangyul kept you there, his eyes fixed on Yohan who had thrown his head back, his wet thighs shaking at the sensation before letting you go, petting your head as you coughed trying to catch your breath. He kneeled right beside you, fingers slipping past the band of your panties and raising an eyebrow as he felt how wet you were, your body flinching as he inserted two fingers inside in one go.
“Hangyul–”
“Keep sucking, next you will be taking me in that pretty mouth so better loosen up your jaw.”
You went back at your task not without noticing the slight furrowed brows in Yohan’s expression as if he was disapproving his friend and the way he treated you, so you gave his thigh a slight squeeze so that he would relax, smiling before you took his dick into your mouth again, your hands softly massaging his balls as you took him wholly. Hangyul kept fingering you, the wet noises tinting the other’s cheeks and as soon as he noticed, your boyfriend pulled them off of you and in front of Yohan’s mouth, your stomach turning as he obediently sucked on them.
“Fuck… let me taste you, please.”
Despite asking you for permission, he didn’t really wait for an answer as he pulled you up, getting up to change his position on the bed, laying on his back as he looked at you getting rid of your damped panties and straddling his face. Not even a second later he was devouring you, lapping at your juices as one of his hands kept you still and down while using the other to touch himself. His tongue was skillful, not letting one millimeter of your pussy without exploring, lips closing around your clit for a few seconds before going back to taste you completely.
The pleasure flooded you, your eyes shutting tightly as you focused on the feeling until Hangyul gripped your hair, his cock hard and slightly red waiting for your attention. He smeared his precum on your lips before burying himself in your mouth, grunting as he reached the back of your throat and starting to fuck your face roughly, your moans muffled against him while Yohan inserted his tongue in your hole, dick twitching as he felt you tightening up. You tapped twice on Hangyul’s thigh and he pulled away quickly, checking on you and cleaning the saliva that dripped down your lips.
“Are you going to cum, baby?” He laughed at the tears in your eyes. “Why don’t you work for it then?”
Yohan groaned as Hangyul took both of his hands and put them above his head, a silent warning for him to not do anything laid in the air as you let out a whimper, moving your hips to ride his face while holding his hair, your legs starting to shake, your moans getting higher as you felt the edge near… and right then was when your boyfriend pulled you away. You were about to complain when Yohan freed from Hangyul’s grip, turning you around quickly and eating you out wildly, fingers deep inside of you, smiling as he heard your gasps for air, cumming on his mouth.
When he noticed Hangyul’s look, Yohan simply replied with a: “You get to make her cum every day, I don’t.”
“You could…” You were on the bed, trying to recover from the intense orgasm. “Thank you, Yohan. That was… amazing.”
Up until now, he had been perfectly okay, but hearing you praise him with a thin voice made him feel shy all over again, his cock twitching as he replayed the way your body reacted to his touch before licking his fingers clean once more. Seeing the whole situation, Hangyul felt a little threatened, as if the power had slipped off his hands and somehow ended up with nothing instead.
“Use him.” Both of you turned to him, confused at his tone. “He wants to be used by you, so use him. Ride him.”
“But I just came–”
“Did I stutter?” You fell silent at his tone, eyeing Yohan and feeling slightly guilty when you realized just how hard he was. “Fix what you caused, y/n. Right now.”
Shivers ran up and down your spine at the mention of your name, letting you know he wasn’t happy and that he would most definitely let it out on you. Whether that would be now or later wasn’t clear, but all you could do was follow his orders, getting on top of Yohan and slowly letting you down on his members, holding back a moan when he filled you completely, the oversensitivity making you need to stop for a bit. Apparently, he felt the same, resting his forehead on your chest as he tried not to ram into you, leaving small hickeys on the valley of your breasts before getting rid of your bra and tossing it to Hangyul before his lips closed around one of your nipples, gently grazing them with his teeth before sucking in harshly.
While you tried to focus on controlling your sensitivity, another pair of lips were on your neck, a cold sensation on your other hole as Hangyul’s fingers spread the lube on it before sliding in and scissoring them, softly stretching you out while biting on your skin. Yohan’s breathing hitched up as he felt your walls suddenly clenching down on him, almost pushing him to his own orgasm.
“I d-don’t think I’ll last much…” His voice had become whiny, his eyes hazy as he bucked upwards.
“Just wait a bit more, baby boy, just a bit more and you can cum inside me.” Your words seemed to flick a switch on inside of him, greedily looking into your eyes, throwing his head back when Hangyul harshly spanked your ass causing you to tighten again.
“You decided that on your own?” Another spank landed on your butt cheek. “Greedy whore… then I guess I will be claiming this one then.”
A sudden rush of excitement filled your body. He had been preparing you for quite some time with different sized plugs and other toys, but to think that today was going to be the first time for him to finally fuck your asshole made you impossibly wetter. He grabbed a condom, taking care to spread the lube on his cock as well before pressing against your entrance, the pain being momentarily as he had already stretched you out enough. Right when it looked like he was about to enter you completely, he stopped and pulled out, his teasing being enough for you to catch the indirect.
“Please… please fuck my ass.” It wasn’t enough, apparently, since he slapped his member against your entrance a few more times. “F-fuck, Hangyul, just put it in–!”
In a second he was half way inside you, rubbing soothing circles onto your back before continuing, throwing his head back at the tightness, getting to feel barely how your other hole was completely full as well. You dug your nails on Yohan’s shoulder, opening your eyes only to find yourself with him covered in sweat and breathing heavily as now both of them were buried deep within you, also both completely still but for different reasons. As soon as you got used to the new feeling, you rocked your hips backwards, a choked out moan leaving all of you at the friction and you did it again, the pit of your stomach tightening at the feeling of fullness.
However, you didn’t have the control much longer: Hangyul gripped your hips and started slamming into you, the sound of skin slapping sounding much louder and lewd than usual whilst Yohan rammed your pussy, your juices adding to the symphony you were creating and making you feel so much shyer than before. It was impossible to hold back your moans, the new experience numbing out all of your senses while also taking them to an extreme all at the same time, having both of them hit new spots with each thrust.
“What a slut… loving to get both of your holes drilled by us at the same time…” Hangyul’s husky voice wasn’t helping you keep your composure at all. “Love to have us stretch you out, ruining you… let yourself go, baby, show Yohan how you really are.”
The boy underneath you seemed almost completely gone, but his stare was fixed on you, biting his lip unconsciously as he tried not to cum at the view of your breasts bouncing, your hair sticking to your neck, the slight coat of sweat making you shine under the dim lights of the bedroom, your swollen lips looking incredibly inviting as you started to let out tiny cries, trying to mumble something coherent.
“Y-Yohan… Yohan, please make me cum, please, please, I can’t take it anymore, please…” That might have just been the death of him. You were completely fucked out and begging for him, not anyone else, to make you cum.
He aimed at your clit, groaning as you flinched and clenched your walls around him, the sensitive nub sending a mix of pleasure and pain to your whole system as he rubbed it quickly applying a little bit of pressure. You felt a wave wash over you, your mind going blank as you felt your high hit you, leaving you with no strength before he stilled his hips and spilled inside of you, whispering an apology against your skin while fucking you through your orgasms.
“What a good girl, aren’t you? But now it’s my turn.” He held you up, having you in the same position as the day he talked to you into this whole fantasy. “Look how pretty he looks, completely wrecked thanks to your beautiful pussy.” He gave a quick slap to your core, humming when you tightened. “Such a good fuck toy.”
“Hangyul… Hangyul, it’s too much, I don’t think I can–” His hand closed around your throat loosely, shutting you up.
“You will take whatever I give you, and give me whatever I want to take from you.” Each of his words were emphasized by his thrusts, two of his fingers getting inside of you along Yohan’s softening cock, the stretching making both of you react to it. “And what I want right now is for you to squirt all over him. C’mon baby, come to me.”
His words added to the experienced touch had you crumbling instantly, Yohan pulling out of you right on time as your juices gushed out, wetting the bed and him, a whimper leaving his lips at the feeling as he jerked off his cock once more, flinching at the contact but it was just too good of a scene to not do it. Hangyul was pleased, a small praise leaving his lips before turning into a groan, filling the condom with his seed and placing kisses on your shoulder as he pulled out carefully, tying a knot on the preservative and throwing it to the bin.
The three of you were laying down, not really caring about your bodies covered in sweat, juices and cum anymore, staring into the ceiling while trying to process everything that had just happened. Your whole body was starting to ache, both of your holes being sore, but somehow it was the first time that you had felt this fulfilled and satisfied, although you would never admit it to your boyfriend.
After a few hours and a shower later, the three of you were about to eat, Hangyul going out to grab some food at your favorite place, leaving you and Yohan alone. Like you had expected, there was a tiny bit of awkwardness, although you two had been extremely open not too long ago. Maybe it was the excessive exposure what made you feel so shy now, but it was hard to make eye contact with him.
“I- uh, I wanted to say that… it was r-really good.” The way he stuttered made him look even cuter and there was no one on this universe that could resist to his silly nervous laugh.
“I enjoyed it a lot too. You were really good…” Just thinking about the way he ate you out was enough to have your cheeks blushing, eyes dropping to his lips. “Thank you.”
It wasn’t a big deal, but he took it as a compliment, and that boosted his ego, getting closer to you while barely whispering against your mouth. “Will you come to me, then?”
You couldn’t answer to his question, the sound of the door opening making you both pull away quickly and he went to help Hangyul out. Your heart raced, mind running wild with thoughts about what he could have meant with that. Was there more behind it than just pure lust? Or was it some kind of invitation to have another round? It wasn’t good to give it that much attention, but sitting on the table and face both guys made you feel nervous.
Why not come to both of you?
this is a sinful pair and it’s not safe for my heart thanks
~Nani
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I have been through this journey before, so I get to be actually frustrated about it.
IUnder a read more because im not subjecting y’all to this. Also: I should caveat I haven’t watched the episode cause I’m waiting till its on Netflix but I have watched way too many other episodes of Supernatural so I have a right to say these things.
TL;DR: I mean you all knew Cas’ confession was fucking bullshit and that SPN is...hm. But I’d like to actually express my genuine frustration, for a moment? I’m going to say things you already know, but I have too much knowledge of this show and too much stupid meta in my brain about a series I haven’t genuinely enjoyed for at least 5 years which makes this not just blandly bad but disgustingly insulting to me not even as a gay just as like. A writer?
Or, even shorter: Cas’ confession is just a Charlie Bradbury Speedrun
So. As some of you may know if, for some reason, you followed me back in 2013 (and till...okay fine 2015), I used to be, uh. Really into SPN. Really, I was into Destiel. Like, as in, I slogged through seasons 1-3 to get to Cas and am also really vulnerable to the Sunk Cost Fallacy and projecting onto characters. (I was in 8th grade in 2013, okay? Get off my back)
Also, because I monopolised use of the TV, I kind of...also got my parents into it? In a “this is silly but fun” kind of way.
Over time, critiques of the show from viewers, learning what queerbaiting is at all, fatigue with how long it was going, and also fatigue from how characters I enjoyed, like Rufus, or Crowley, or Ellen, or Jo, or Kevin, or Charlie, or Cas a few times, kept getting killed off. As time went on, it didn’t escape my notice that, aside from Cas, all of these characters fit one or more of the following criteria:
They were a woman
They were a person of color
Were Queer or Queer-coded in some way (listen Crowley was bad rep but at least Mark Sheppard actually kissed a man on screen)
I also just...generally got tired of the way the show treats women and sidelines people of color.
The final straw really came with Charlie’s death. It got us all excited, because she hadn’t been back in a bit! And it was interesting to see how reuniting with her dark side from Oz had changed her! (yeah remember the fucking Wizard of Oz storyline? The writers sure don’t!) And maybe she’d get developed! Because at this point, Charlie and the fairly good writing of her character was a major upside for the series! Charlie was cool, fun, gay, and morally complex in a way...none of the female characters had been before her, in large part because by definition, her relationship with the boys would always be platonic.
And then. Offscreen. She is violently murdered. For no damn good reason. Like, literally, her being brought back in this episode after fucking off to europe after having returned from fucking off to Oz seems to have filled two purposes in total.
The codex is solved (but Sam doesn’t know till next episode)
Charlie is dead, which means Dean can be angry, specifically at Sam, and kill more people because he’s the big bad this season.
That’s it. Two things. Twooooo whole reasons to do this episode. Whoopee.
But you didn’t come here for this, you came here for me to rip this reveal to shreds. Don’t worry, I’ll get there. What I want in your minds is that Supernatural already had a really good anddynamic queer character. And then they killed her off to make Dean angry. No, it doesn’t matter that they brought her back in season 13 or whatever. They made that decision.
After the rage this incited, I started realizing general flaws in the writing (I had probably already noticed them but now I was angry enough to complain.) Every conflict is born of Sam and Dean not communicating/taking on burdens and Dean being angry at Cas for reasons that ranged from good to ridiculous, but in a way that always went way too fucking long, (which...yes, does make the “you do it for love” gifs fucking hilarious). It didn’t help that seasons 11 and 12 were next, which meant Demon Dean and GOD’S FUCKING SISTER, plus the decision to resurrect Mary, which, while I do like her later scenes, as a season 12 finale it...well I’ll be honest it kinda sucked. It undercut the majority of the Winchester’s’ arcs and their slow and painful journey out of their father’s toxic vengeance quest and knowing Mary as a person when it’s too late to know her was one of the last semi-compelling grounders of the narrative.
By this point it was a hate-watch for my parents and I.
So then, I’m at college, and I’m not watching anymore cause I don’t have the motivation or access to Hulu to continue, and SPN is bad. I watch the Scooby Doo crossover when it comes out and my friend and I make fun of it, and we also continue making jokes about Dean and Cas and queerbaiting because we’re queer, but I don’t keep up. My Dad does though, so when I return, I watch some with the fam and lads. It’s even more tiring without context.
So flash forward to Quarantine, my sister, the only one with taste, has left, and we have run out of netflix to watch. So we return to the well, and seasons 13-14 are. I’m gonna say it. Bad. Really fucking bad. The cycle of bad communication continues, season 14 has like seven antagonists and the way it’s structured makes it so I literally cannot remember the timeline of a season I watched 3 months ago. Oh also, they have a queer coded cannibal snake monster for...well I guess Jack’s snake bud was cool but like. Huh wow it’s almost like these writers don’t handle queers well.
Our one saving grace is Cas, but he’s barely in any episodes, though I did note that his deal with the empty, being happy completely for one moment killing him, that struck me as “this has potential and I know they’re gonna half-ass it somehow.” Also Jack and Mary, but then oh...plot….The most compelling it gets is literally the finale.
But then, 3 days later, the first half of season 15 comes out on Netflix and it’s...actually kind of acceptable. The new character they give Jack’s actor is fun to watch him play until they make him evil. Exploring just how toxic Chuck can be gave the series direction again. The alternate future was genuinely scarring, and Eileen’s return was genuinely moving. Most of all, though, Cas got the opportunity to tell Dean no, that Dean was being unfair to him, had always been unfair to him, and he was sick of it. I had no illusions, I knew Destiel was never gonna happen, and Cas was gonna die, but giving him that bit of agency, letting Cas grow and be self-sufficient, and be angry with Dean not for existential reasons but interpersonal ones, was such a good sign for me, and Dean grew too! Dean fucking apologized for being horrible and Jensen Ackles had a...yknow what, ill give it to him, he had a good acting moment.
But the thing. About. The “I love you.”
Let’s take it in parts.
What was good: I’m gonna admit it, lads, “Wanting what I can’t have” - AS A LINE - is good, and, structurally, there is something to the Empty Deal that could have been an interesting aspect of Cas’ arc when it comes to self actualization and being on even footing with Dean. The problem is, this is Supernatural, and that arc only comes up when I bring it up because character study, even in bad media, is fun for me.
What was bad:
I mean. Like. All of it? All of it.
Okay. Fine. I’ll be specific.
Cas dies immediately when - possibly because- he is revealed as having feelings for Dean. They kill him as they queer him, that’s a Bury Your Gays Speedrun right there.
Like the least they could have done is have him mention it to someone in another scene or something to establish some romantic feelings on the part of canon a full episode beforehand. That would have been the literal bare minimum.
When Cas starts praising Dean, for some reason both the writing and Misha’s acting take a bit of a downswing (from...where it already was). Cas, whose most powerful moment this season was acknowledging that Dean’s anger at him is cruel and unfair, flatly praises him for doing everything out of love and it reads with a misunderstanding of both Dean as a character and Cas’ understanding of Dean. Dean is angry! VERY ANGRY! And it’s a problem he needs to work on and rarely does.
Talking out of my ass, a better speech would have been about how Dean is angry because of his love for Sam, family, and the people around him, how, for better or for worse, he can’t help but be angry on behalf of others, and that his journey of moving that tendency towards the better is what made Cas care so much. Guys this alteration to the metaphor took 2 minutes to write tops I am an Art History student and these are TV WRITERS WITH YEARS OF EXPERIENCE CAN YOU TELL THEYRE NOT TRYING YET?
A better speech would, of course, have come out of a better series. My point: this part was half-assed. Poorly written. Wow it’s almost like the series is also poorly written.
Also, Misha is the better actor of the three(***OF THE THREE), but his choices in that scene are jarringly out of character which. Makes the bad writing worse. It doesn’t help that they cut to the same fucking shot of Dean 3 times. The chemistry in that scene makes it feel so fucking hackneyed. Because it is.
This combines lead me to the point: (wait there was a point to this?)
As someone who does not have the luxury of watching this capsized ship fall into boiling seas from a distance, it is less insulting to me that they did this so last minute and then sent Cas to the Void than it is how they did it. They had ingredients for something that could have been compelling enough to me as a former fan of the show to think that they had put effort into it, that they had decided months, perhaps even years ago to do this, and had crafted a storyline around it. That this was an intentional decision they cared about. It wasn’t. It was barely even pandering, because it’s almost insultingly blatant.
SPN kinda proved to me that it didn’t care about queers when Charlie was killed off. It proved it to me again when Cas, not only died in confessing his love for Dean but did it in the weakest result of what could have been a surprisingly strong story.
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Firefighter Billy, Doctor Steve. Something goes horribly wrong and so the keg gang try to cheer them up.
Warnings: descriptions of death and heartbreak. It’s really angsty. Descriptions of fire
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Tommy was the one to put on the news, and Carol was the one to make the connection. Billy and Steve hadn’t been home in hours. It was late in the morning and Billy and Steve still weren’t back from their shifts. They tried calling, texting, Anything to get ahold of them. Then Tommy turned on the news. A horrible fire had broken out at a nursing home. There were many casualties, and few survivors. It was some freak accident, the news said. A gas leak in the home that turned sour quickly. Robin felt her stomach drop as she watched. There was one confirmed Firefighter death at the scene. The news struck everybody hard. Their texts to Billy Got frantic, their house was filled of people trying to call the firefighter. Heather was crying harshly, Tommy not talking to anybody. Nobody could get ahold of Billy. Carol had thrown up from her anxieties, and robin couldn’t stay in the same room as the news station. Where the fuck was Billy? The news wouldn’t release the name.
“I’m going down to the station.” Tommy told Carol, grabbing his things. The station knew all of the gang well, Billy’s friends there interacting with his friends at home From time to time. Then, the door unlocks and Billy steps inside. He looks awful. He’s got bandages from burn marks, he’s got soot all over him. He smells of smoke. Carol breaks down as she sees him, running and hugging him tightly.
“We thought you died!” She cries as she holds onto Billy tightly. A part of billy wished he did. The fire burned so hot, nothing Could really be saved. He had to make life changing decisions in a matter of seconds. He had to chose who was going to die and who wouldn’t. He didn’t like playing god. He didn’t like the feeling of holding somebodies hand as they died. The night kept flashing in his mind. Trying to triage and save as many people as he could. But the facts were harsh. The more he found people, the more he realized they were already dead. The people he did find were close to death. There were only a few people he could really save. There were the men who he watched cry as they burned. There were the women he held the hands of as they died. He wanted none of that. He knew he signed up for it when he got the job. But he never expected it to be this bad.
“I-I need to go to my room.” He tells Carol quietly. She looks up at him and steps away, tears streaming Down her face harder. He sounds broken. He sounds so drained and exhausted. He sounds Hurt, he sounds angry. Carol hasn’t seen him like this before. The room goes silent as Billy leaves, going to his room and shutting the door. The heaviness of the room stays. Usually when Billy gets home from a shift, he’s eager to tell everybody how it went. He feels so proud of what he’s doing that he can’t help but explain happily to everybody how his day went. But Billy didn’t even look at them. He didn’t acknowledge any of them except Carol, and he barely even spoke to her. He didn’t take a shower, he didn’t get something to eat. He did nothing. That’s when they realize how serious this Is. it’s not till another two hours that Steve is coming home. He’s got blood on his scrubs, shaky hands, tears in his eyes. It’s the first he’s been Able to break down. Tommy goes to say something, but Steve walks right past him and into his and Billy’s shared room. And then there’s Silence again. If you get close to the room, you can hear Steve sobbing harshly, hiccuping and gasping for breaths. That’s the only sound that fills the house. It stays like that for days. The two don’t come out of their room. When they do, they look horrendously upset. The rest of the gang have no idea what to do. They aren��t eating right anymore, they keep calling out of work, they aren’t showering like they usually do. Billy’s taunts don’t fill the air, Steve’s laughs are absent. They won’t let anybody touch them, they won’t accept any food or drinks. They aren’t themselves. Their bedroom door stays shut. The gangs texts go unanswered for hours at a time. The only sounds that come from the room are Steve’s sobs every once in a while. The rest of the house can’t function. Tommy and heather start getting into arguments, Carol won’t talk to anybody, Robin’s anxiety makes her throw up constantly. They’re all falling apart.
It’s robin who decides enough is enough. Tommy is at work, Heather is shopping, so it’s just her and Carol, plus Billy and Steve who are still in their room. They start to make the fries first. Those are the easiest. Steve is picky about how fried they should be. He likes them crispy, almost to where they’re burnt. He hates soggy fries. Next is the enchiladas. Carol has never really made Mexican food before, and they’re using a recipe they found online. They make an absolute mess of the kitchen, but they think that hopefully the food will turn out okay. Then, they do the cupcakes. Steve and Billy’s favorites had always been strawberry. It reminded them of their first real date. Those are probably the easiest to make. How badly can you fuck up store bought batter? It’s the frosting that’s tricky. Robin remembers none of the ice cream cake details she did at scoops, so they just wing it after watching a few YouTube videos. They don’t look too bad. Once theyre done, they set everything to the side and pull out the separate cards. Both are already signed with a note from Tommy and heather. They were heartfelt things, memories of first meetings, joys that they shared with them. Carol Got misty eyed reading some of them. Her and robin put down their own, as well as a free massage gift card at Carol’s work. Once Tommy and heather come home they set everything up. Heather has gotten Billy a new ring , and Steve is getting the matching counterpart. Everything is perfect. Now comes the tricky part, getting Steve and billy to come and join them. They send Tommy to get them, thinking they’ll listen to him.
“Guys? Hey we have an issue out here. I need you guys to come look at it.” Tommy lies. It takes a moment but the door opens. Steve and Billy Look bad. Both of them have unusual stubble across their faces, the bags under their eyes are a dark purple.
“What happened?” Is all billy says.
“Come take a look...it’s bad.” Tommy says. Billy gives Steve a look, and Steve just smiles weakly as he takes Billy’s hand and leads him down the hall. They get into the living room, decorated heavily.
“Surprise!” Carol says, smiling wide at the boys. Steve looks confused.
“What is this for?” He asks softly. Billy won’t let go of Steve’s hand, but there’s a small smile on his face.
“You guys have been down. So we made this all for you! We’ve got your fries here Steve, and Billy we tried some enchiladas. I don’t know how good they turned out but we’re hoping for the best. Oh! And we made these strawberry cupcakes as well!” Robin explains to them both. Tommy smiles wide at them, handing over to the cards to each of them. The two read the cards. Billy’s eyes filled with tears as soon as Steve started bawling next to him.
“You guys...” Steve mumbled in-between a sob. Robin hugged Steve tightly, Steve holding onto her as he sobbed. Billy wiped at his eyes and smiled at the rest.
“Thank you guys...you don’t...you don’t understand what this means to me.” Billy’s voice cracked as more tears rushed down his face. Carol grinned wide.
“You gotta Try these enchiladas.” She said and Billy smiled a bit more.
“You guys didn’t fuck up my happy food did you?” He teased. Heather sighed in relief at the joke. Things were starting to get better. Billy tried the enchiladas, and gave them a solid 8 out of ten. Steve cried harder when he tasted his fries.
“They’re fried perfectly! You guys used my favorite salt!” He grinned wide as he stuffed his mouth full with more. The boys seemed to be doing a lot better now. Carol breathed a sigh of relief, looking over at the others as the boys ate. Everything was getting better again. The boys were eating, they were smiling and laughing. Carol knew there would be more work to be done, but for now she would take every little victory she could.
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Happy Go Lucky Heads - HELL'O' - English Translation
Lyrics: Sekihan
Music:324
外出て歩き始めた瞬間 バリバリ雨が降り出す
As soon as I stepped outside, rain started pouring down
シフト入った日だけ バリバリ客が湧き出す
The day I had to work, was the day the crowd was actually pumped up
動画いいとこなのに 携帯充電もうない
Right at the good part of a video, I ran out of phone battery
疲れて寝てる日だけ 隣人めっちゃパーリーナイト
The days I go to sleep exhausted, are the same days my neighbors throw a party all night
地獄(HELL!) 地獄(HELL!)地獄(HELL!)
この世は地獄
This world is a living hell
地獄(HELL!) 地獄(HELL!)地獄(HELL!)
この世は地獄
This world is a living hell
めっちゃ並んだラーメン 眼前で売り切れ御免
I had been waiting in a long line for ramen, until it sold out right before my eyes
昔推したアイドル いつの間にか脱いどる
My old bias idol, throughout the years they’ve stripped to go viral
流れ流されどこまで
Going on and on with no end in sight
行けどされども掴めない
Where to go, no matter which way, I can’t seem to hold onto-
蜘蛛の糸
The Spider Web’s Thread
歪んじまった 悲しみが 問いかけてる
All fucking twisting and turning, the sorrow is intrusive
'HELLO'
育っちまった 想い出の トゲが胸に
The memories I’ve been coddling for some damn reason, theyre like a thorn in my heart
刺さって 動けない
Stabbing into me, I can’t move
'何でももうひとりでできるもん!' '本当にお利口さん'
‘I can do it all by myself, hmph!” “You‘re such a prodigy!”
独り上手の果てに 独りぼっちの痛み
To work well alone also means to suffer alone
'みんなで幸せになろうよ'だとか
“Let’s find happiness together” and shit
'いいことしてれば天国行けるよ'だとか
“Good people go to heaven” and shit
'そもそもどうして僕らは生まれてきたのか考えてみて'とか
“Take a step back and consider why we were born” and shit
うるせぇうるせぇうるせぇうるせぇ
Shut up shut up shut up shut up
んなもん勝手にほざいとけ
It’s none of your fucking business
流れ流されどこまで
Going on and on with no end in sight
行けどされども掴めない
Where to go, no matter which way, I can’t seem to hold onto-
白い 細い 君の手
Your pale slender hand
地獄にひとつ エン結んで 君を呼んだ
I connected with hell and tried to call out for you
'HELLO'
もう2度と 届かない こんな声なら
Alas you can’t fucking hear me anymore
潰れて 無くなれ
So get rid of it, I want it gone
痛い 痛いの 翔んでけ
Pain, pain, go away
天国まで 今は さよなら
Goodbye, see you again in heaven
here
Footnotes:
● ‘The Spider’s Web Thread’ is a short story by Akutagawa Ryunosuke about an act of mercy of Buddha, in which He lowers a thread down into Hell - an escape route - to allow a chance to a sinner with good still in his hearts.... Will he latch on and climb out? It’s a wonderful piece.. A translation is available
.
Interviews:
● Via Gekirock
Interviewer: On the flipside of the coin, HELL”O” seems like a song infused with only the darkness of the heart. This type of song was never seen in Omedetai’s roster before.
Sekihan: Up until now we’ve focused on the joys of music, but deep down I actually think this world is a living hell. Omedetai is grounded on the concept of turning negatives into positives, but the fact that we ourselves have negatives inside us just like everyone else was, well, kinda undisclosed before.
It’s hard to hit these things into a song or a short performance. The first time I divulged my heart at a long concert MC, everyone kinda went ‘Wow, so he feels like that huh’. People don’t know- and it turns out… people who are extremely depressed or mentally struggling seem to get pissed off when they hear our songs.
Interviewer: The songs are so bright and happy at a glance, huh.
Sekihan: According to some, it feels like it embosses the darkness within them and makes them want to scream “Shut up!”. ‘That’s the perverse effect’ I thought. Giving form and bringing light to those such jittery oozy festering feelings is literally number one on our job agenda. If we can’t even do that, then there’s no reason for us to tell you to have fun. Of course we’re not free of negativity, it’s the very biofuel for our positivity. So I took note of the necessity to shamelessly shamelessly show everyone what it looks like before it’s processed. The opportunity arised along with the full album - we had room for a more negative piece. Thus we came to the decision to do one.
Interviewer: Up until now your writing process involved changing the bad into good. Once you had to write the bare naked bad as is, was there any problems you encountered with?
Sekihan: Actually it feels like we’ve gone all-natural.
324: ‘Cause normally we’re forcing ourselves (laughs).
Mito-juu: Don’t say that!!
mao: Personally when I first saw the lyrics I was sold in an instant.
Sekihan: Seriously?
It is true that none of my mates went hard on the editor’s red pen of death this time. Normally they beat the shit out of me with it (laughs).
Well now I know that when someone’s truly miserable, it’s best to welcome that misery with open arms. Just saying “You can do it, feel better!” won’t save them. So we have to welcome the misery, soothe it, and only then does our music come it: its turn to give them a boost. I hope this works out well with everyone.
Interviewer: I see.
● Via Omedetai official + Kansai Pia
Interviewer: One thing that caught my attention was Poniki’s Twitter post reading “Even I feel like everything in life is stupid fucking bullshiiiit, arghhhh!! - But the band’s branding just prevents me from showing it!”
Ponikingdom: This album served to iron out that idea.
Sekihan: We’re supposed to be guys who ruminate the negatives then output them as positives. But after hearing feedback I learned that sometimes we were interpreted differently: people who are leagues deep in depression say that listening to our songs ticks them off, (laugh) it drags them deeper into depression. Our ultimate goal is akin to literally acting as a spokesperson for upset people, so when I heard that we were actually being counterproductive I was shocked.
Of course we feel negative feelings just like everyone else. So enough beating around the bush I said, we gotta express it directly. Hence “This world is a living hell” is the keyword of HELL”O". And once 324-kun saw that, he followed suit and included the lyric “Karmic hell” in ‘Kotoba no Ayaya’. With these songs in their rightful place, they even helped to bring out the brightness in our positive songs, I think listeners will view us more as people now and I hope these songs are acting as a helping hand to pull depressed people out and up to higher heights.
Interviewer: Omedetai always look like they're having a blast, and look like they’re as positive as can be.. So it makes sense that there are people who don’t fit in such a place.
Sekihan: But I don’t want to shrink and turn my back to them. I think I’ve managed to make space for them too. So this is the fruit of my growth.
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ive been in such a Blue Team mood lately so
blue team au where everyone is alive and happy, none of this dying/rotating cast of assholes deal. its one big poly mess
church is dating tucker, wash, and tex. tucker and wash are also together ofc. caboose is everyones bff and theyll all protect him to the death (but no one dies bc this is a NICE au). kai is dating tucker, wash, and tex. i used to prefer the idea of carolina being red team but lately shes been feeling more blue team and really it doesnt matter which team shes on, shes gonna have a platonic bond with church, wash, and tex (after a lot... of mending...) and maybe tucker too.
some headcanons
tucker and wash are the sappiest gooiest members of the team and when the two of them are being particularly mushy with each other they are told to get a room 500 times at least
tex and carolina learn to be friends, damnit
kai, carolina, and tucker sing loudly together a lot and sometimes its endearing but often its annoying. kai tries to initiate karaoke every so often but there are never any other takers
when church is upset, caboose, tucker, and wash take it very seriously and are the most gentle and caring partners/friends and team up to help church feel better. after, the triad spends some time together all three of them instead of randomly pairing off like usual
when wash is upset, everyone takes turns being there for him. tucker is first and carolina is last. wash and carolina take awhile getting to the point of being able to level with each other emotionally, but once they do, they both feel much better for it
when tex is upset, she takes off on her own for a bit but she always comes back
church and tex’s fighting and flirting are sometimes so indistinguishable that the rest of the group isnt sure whats going on with them. they just know that either way, they should probably leave the room
church and wash power nap together. for once, the rest of the team tries to be quiet so as to not wake them up
one time, tex and kai got frisky while tucker was around. cue the scene from b99.
tucker: why are you letting me see this?
tex: because no one will ever believe you
church did not believe tucker
carolina did believe him, but told tucker to never ever tell her something this explicit about tex’s sex life again. having to witness tex and church flirt is already terrible enough
tex and wash barely know what to make of each other, at first. they werent close during the project but they do have at least 2 romantic partners in common now so they have an unspoken agreement of sorts. theyre cool with each other in theory, it just takes forever for them to actually interact, somehow. what breaks the ice in the end is wash tells a bad joke/makes a bad pun that makes everyone groan or throw things at him EXCEPT for tex who cannot stop laughing
prank wars happen, a lot. carolina was the worst at coming up with decent pranks at first (she’d flit between the extremes of something barely noticeable to something too intense) but eventually she hones the craft so well shes the top of the prank leader board
eventually, tex stops leaving
kai, tex, and carolina spend a lot of time with sheila. turns out chicks CAN be picked up with tanks. caboose is the only dude who ever gets invited to these hangouts, but only sometimes
kai does piercings and tucker does tattoos. everyone on blue team ends up looking really fucking cool
when red team shows up to start some shit, because sarge still insists that red team make a play for the blue flag once in awhile, they draw straws to see who has to deal with it. wash is always the one who so graciously offers to organise it and it takes the rest of the team embarrassingly long to realise this means hes gaming the system and is never one of the people who have to draw the short straws. after this revelation, church ceremoniously appoints wash to the position of Official Blue Team Negotiator so he has the pleasure of automatically being in the “deal with red team” group every single time
speaking of team positions, they still have the hierarchy chart that dates all the way back to captain flowers but its an absolute mess now that the team has tripled in size and people keep ending up with silly/made up titles
when junior is home from school for the summer, he is spoiled like crazy. he has like 3 aunts and 50 uncles. its an endless party
caboose crafts a sniper rifle out of some extra parts they have around base and gives it to tucker. the scope is backwards (caboose insists that the zoom blocks too much out, why wouldnt you want to see MORE?) but hey, tuckers more of a close quarters combatant anyway and he appreciates the gesture
red team ends up hanging around a lot (grif wants to see his sister, donut likes to hang out with caboose etc) and blue team ends up hanging around red base a lot too. honestly what is even the point of separate bases anymore. but thats a whole other post
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speaking of That my mom is finally recognizing that when I say “i dont feel good” it doesnt mean i have a cold or sth its that Uh, im probably experiencing suicidal thoughts and cant express it well (or at least smth along those lines) and my house has been dirty cuz i havent cleaned in a while or i cant keep it clean and she n my sister cleaned an area and i repeatedly told her not to bc shes always using my sister to do things im not adequate enough to do on time and its rlly not fair to her even if she doesnt realize it cuz like shes only 12 & we dont ever even talk so she shouldnt have to take care of someone 5 years older than her.. and i was gonna clean but I basically slept all day so i could just clean alone at night when I feel safe to walk around the house . i wasnt even tired idk why i slept but now im eerily awake and maybe will be umless i force myself to sleep
its so lonely here and thats only hit me like this year cuz all the time before I would go through periods of hanging out after school maybe.. twice a year? and only hanging out with one person whod have many friends but theyd b my only friend which is a problem i tend to have. but it jst got to the point where im realizing, i think cuz i was in my schools drama program n exposed to lots of friendships, that im jst like ,really fucking lonely. Which is unfortunate because ive always been such an internal person at home and have been able to work creatively but thats all like leaving me? art doesnt make me happy anymore because i dislike my art so much and havent had a platform to share it in so long and i guess I thrive on other ppls opinions of it? and I definitely cant write anymore. I havent been able to zone in on an interest in MONTHS and thats left me creatively drained, a lot.
I think im starting to rlly, RLLY redirect my complete attention from interests to ppl (which always ends well am i right lads) and it isnt fair to ppl who like, have others and need space and time etc or Uh, dont even know me. but its like a switch like , I can either be creative or i can feel loved and Boy Howdy, do i need both,
its just weird cuz im the only one in my family thats emoitonal like this and I think thats why i feel so isolated. like im not exxagerating when I say my dad has 0 friends tht arent family. my mom has work friends she will hang out with maybe 4 times a year not for work, but shes always complaining abt social situations which I can understand. maybe my siblings r like that too but my sisters young n focuses on minecraft n stuff n hangs out w friends more than me n we barely know each other so its not like id know, maybe my half brother is but whens the last time hes wanted to talk to me right. like i cry all the time and all it does is make my dad angry at memfor being incompetent and make my mom think its her fault and my sister confused and jst takes up everyones time
and its jst all v strange. like i was kinda raised 2 not have friends, inadvertantly i guess. i can remember my mom trying to make me feel better about something along the lines of u can b okay w/out friends if u have family but she jst told me friends dont matter and im never gonna talk to ppl i meet at my age as an adult, so it stuck w/ me and i started to make moral judgements on ppl on small things we could talk out like say, they use homophobic language sometimes but im sure theyd respect me enough to stop, but id make those judgements before we could befriend each other n take a chance, kinda to protect myself from attachments? but later in life ive found ppl who dont do stuff like that, and thats when i focus in on them im an unfair way to them and they r the only person/group of ppl in my life, etc etc and idk how to stop because im so scared of hanging out w/ most ppl alone i guess? but ill still be here, thinking about like example (namedrop bc he doesnt have me tumblr anyways) my friend jacob tht never hung out w/ me outside of school but i fuccin loved that kid n he just stopped talking to me over the summer n ignored my text i send first day of summer and now we see each other and talk briefly but its like he wont let us be friends anymore and smth like this always happens and its So
and tbh how can i expect it to not happen when i limit myself so much n they will have plenty of other close close friends when i dont? and i think ive gotten better but idk anymore.
and uh, unrelated. I think my dog ive had for 12 years may have to end up being put down this year. hes got cataracts in both eyes and skin diseases and back problems and teeth problems (hes inbred) and hes losing his hearing too and for the past two weeks hes been peeing everywhere and we can let him out but he cant climb stairs anymore n he has to walk them to get to our yard and im the only one w/ the patience to pick him up (hes only 8 pounds) n put him in the yard bc my parents will jst scream at him n my sister doesnt like dogs and hes got seperation issues w me and whines when he cant be in my room which is the farthest from the door out n stuff. and its like rlly stressful my mom will scream at him in front of my sister n brother n me and the other day she said my dad grabbed him by the neck and threw him out on the concrete cuz he peed inside and hes so tiny that thats just gonna make everyting worse and its notmlike i can stop them bc why would anyone listen to me and hed prob b fine for s few more years if he lived in a patient house with ppl who would take him to the vet but theyre prob gonna put him down early snd its gonna b so weird w/out him
when i showered earlier i took s razor with me w/ the intent to cut my thighs, and i did a little, but i never ever draw blood wnd its strange. why am i given these urges when im so fucking terrified of blood. itll still leave marks n stuff but it makes me feel weak ? n ill bruise myself up instead but its never the same. and im such an advocate for help w self harm but i cant for myself. its like i subconsciously want 2 get caught ? idk. i did throw my razor away though and the others i have r rusty and im not THAT much of a dumbass so i dont have options to self harm anymore unless i get new ones. lifehack
and uh lol, having no schedule n it being summer my eating habits r SHIT. it always hurts to eat p much, its at different times n most of the time i just snck only or i dont eat for hours n see black spots n stuff. and when i dont eat its not a body image thing (im nt rlly happy w my nody but its not sth not eating will help with) its cuz i dknt wanna go upstairs for food where my dad is n the snacks r downstairs so its easier, or cuz i forget or cuz i like, want to punish myself? but im too lazy to self harm. its weird
n since ive stopped id’ing as ace officially my internalized lesbophobia has gotten so much worse . im so repressed and lost ans sad, nothinng rly makes sense? I either fall in love w/ anyone who flirts with me or i focus on someone who ill never fucking talk to or see again and imagine countless scenarios n set myself up to b sad. i seek validation from ppl on it but nothhing comes out right or i just cant say it, because other than when i make myself the butt of gay jokes i just cant sven get the words out of my throat that im gay cuz im jst so ashamed and disgusted with myself. ive been looking at pictures of guys lately cuz ive been trying to force myself to like them. back when i thought i was pan it always felt safer bc i could always just love a cis guy or whatever and everything would b okay for my family ykno. and its such a shameful thing for me bc my irl friends who im out to, most see me as v confident abt it at least a little bc im loud abt it u kno, and make all sorts of jokes, and i jst know so many would b surprised or like sad abt that
i want to stop liking girls so much. like holy shit. i have so many straight girl friends and i hate it when they flirt with me because lik, none r my type so i feel nothing but then i feel like i shiuld then feel like No i shouldnt then feel like i shouldnt even be around them bc im a gross disgusting creepo dyke predator. n they always use the excuse of me having a gf so its fine id never hit on them well like, now im single so i have to be DOUBLE careful not to b affectionate w them as im w all my friends and itsssssssssssssmjshfjhdjfhsjdhjshdjshdjhsjdhsjhdjshdk
and i like, think abt this girl alot n yea its romantic even thomwe never fucking talked n rlly i do that w lots of girls and its making me lose out on friendships bc i wanna b their friends somehow bc i think theyre very cool n stuff but i cant stop hodling on to stupid daydreams n idealizations i get to distract me when im sad n its jst stupid like i know its dumb but guess whos boutta keeeeeeppppp doin it??!!!!! boy!!!
and i try so damn hard to talk feeling out, n talk abt who im attracted to n stuff w ppl, n i try so hard to gush but i cant cuz smth comes outta my mouth and then i cant speak past that and no one ends up rlly knowing how i feel, bc ANY time i talk abt anytingngay related abt me its what happens. and i listen to others talking abt tht stuff and i jsut get so god damn JEALOUS bc idk how to express myself
all these inadequacies n shit is making it rlly hard to see how,im gonna b on my own n its always been like this. at TWELVE YEARS OLD i came to fhe fucking conclusion that i was just gonna kill myself when i turned 18 so i didnt have to deal with all this and i was OKAY WITH IT and i just went through life knowing that and hiding it and so rarely questioning my inevitable suicide as a childc so instead of dealing with all that n my problems n getting better i let myself get worse cuz uh, fuck it right
idk its all just occured to me how im not a fully functioning human being, in seberal if not all aspects of my life, its weird. now that I actively want to live and realize i uh Kinda have to simce ill b the legal guardian of my brother its all very scary
sorr i was all over the place and all the typos i didnt mean anyof them n im not crytyping like, i cried a bit but i jst hate typing kn thsi shitty tablet keyboard, n dont wanna spellcheck. if u read through comgratulations also please dont message me abt like the self harm junk n my dog n stuff like, whatever ur abt to say. I Know my guy
time to go uhhhhhhhhhhh daydream about impossible gay shit with guilt in the back of my mind
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Because I'm a lazy ass and didn't want to transfer stuff in to comments .
Anon:
Was DK at NR's art show opening today?
--mod--
Not that I saw
Anon:
I love Daryl but I was never a fan of Norman. Trust me, I've tried. I even tried watching a few of his movies including BS but I'm sorry imo they were crap movies. His only claim to semi-fame is Daryl/TWD & even then a lot of ppl I know don't watch or even recognize his name. His last barely legal gf & now DK are an example of the REAL Norman. He's not what he made himself out to be to his fans. He fooled them that he's an upstanding guy when in reality he's far from it. Don't fall for it!!!
Anon:
Dk and Norman are laughing their asses off behind everyone's backs probably thinking we are all dumb and some of you seriously support this behavior and say it's okay. It's shameful disgusting & embarrassing nothing more
--mod--
I'm not exactly sure why everyone thinks they'd be laughing at the fans. I'm not being a dick just curious
Anon:
There's just no way she was there he was so busy and today he's busy where is she?
Anon:
I'm really disturbed by the horrible messages on Norman's IG.. people are so messed up! Regardless of what the truth is these messages just make his fans look insane!
Anon:
Wow, is it the same ten hateful women posting here about liar Norman and evil Diane? Because elsewhere in social media, people, mature people, are saying this is his business and if he's happy, then so are they. How refreshing. Maybe some of you should expand your horizons.
--mod--
Mine are super expanded. Apparently we don't go to the same social media because there is nastiness on all of them.
Anon:
Here we go Diane isn't his friend showing up to support him for his gallery opening tonight since she isn't even there. Probably waiting for him in their hotel room. I'm actually heavily disgusted with the game theyre playing.
Anon:
Is that Diane at the opening on shadinyc ig story? That's exactly what the blinds said would happen.
--mod--
Nah that's JDM's wife
Anon:
Well seems like DK isn't at Norman's gallery opening so she definitely isn't in Barcelona to support his work. Plus they wouldn't hide like this if it's only "friends" hanging out. Come on, some still don't want to see that Norman lied cold in you all's faces.. .
--mod--
People are allowed to not believe something anon. We all have different thresholds as to what we need to make a decision. For instance a picture taken from a distance isn't enough for me personally. But I respect the fact that it's enough for others and try and not to talk down to them
Anon:
DK doesn't seem to be at NR's art show opening today. Why do you think that is?
--mod--
Maybe she's not there or maybe she wasn't invited.
Anon:
I have studied those pictures a little closer and noticed something. DK is thin as a stick - her things are practically just bones with muscles and skin on top. The woman climbing on the bike is slim too, but her things seems wider. And then she's even wearing dark jeans that's supposed to make you look thinner. I might be wrong but unless DK gained a couple of pounds over less than a week I don't think that's her
Anon:
Mod, if they are actually together, do you think we are going to have to see it now? Do we actually have to be forced to look at her attending his art shows and walking red carpets with him? He doesn't do that stuff! I could cry at that thought alone I'm sorry Norman but I can't do that. I didn't sign up as your fan to have to put up with her and her trolling either. Please say it's not true
--mod--
If they are then I'd assume we'd maybe see more of them. But I'll make this promise I will keep her to the barest of minimums on the blog. 😉
Anon:
Mod do you think it's possible that they really are only friends? I mean why would he make an official denial like he did only two weeks ago if he was with her? It seems so weird if he did that. It makes him out to look like a complete liar. Also people were saying that he was taking pics with fans while she was there? If that's true, why would he do that with her of all people if she they were more than friends?
--mod--
I think it's totally possible they are still friends. He has friends that he's been out with and have stood back while he took pictures with fans. What strikes me as weird is no one that has said she was there took one picture of her not even a creeper..
Anon:
I get that people are pissed but the fact is, none of us personally know N or DK. We only see their public personas. We have no idea who they truly are and have no basis on which to judge their relationship. Even if we feel we do, it still wouldn't give us the right to interfere. It's their business and none of ours. And if N is making a "mistake" somehow, it's still his to make. Respect the boundaries between fandom and real life. And if you must leave the fandom, then just leave. .
--mod--
Fair point.
Anon:
To people losing their shit - ever considered that N has 'lied' not to be deceitful or because of JJ, but because he KNEW that the batshit elements of his fanbase would react exactly as they have? Maybe he's keeping it quiet purely to protect DK and himself from lunatic fans who think he owes them something.
Anon:
He has left up all supportive comments but deleted others. Even respectful ones just showing disapointment. I think the blind is right he will go public with her. Way to antagonize norman.
--mod--
I've actually seen lots of comments that aren't supportive. He did deleted a bunch of the really nasty ones.
Anon:
Mod Norman was out last night I think, was DK with him?? -mod-- Not that I've heard
Anon:
Dk and Norman both silent on SM since days. You all love to call it coincidence. I hope you all also know deep down it isn't. If they were just friends they wouldn't have to be silent for days. Reminds a lot of Lapland huuh? Let's be honest here, Norman tried to safe his image by putting out a denial so he probably hoped people would stop watching their steps. Too bad it's not working. I so hope paps call them out and the next shitstorm is coming for him. He deserves nothing else if he lies.
--mod--Can you give me a definition of silent on sm because he's little and followed people on ig and twitter
Anon:
So several people said Norman was there with his girlfriend. We all know he met (secretly) up with ms. attention whore. what do people need more to see he lied big times in ya'lls faces just to make himself look better. I don't get how anyone can support his behavior. He claims to love honesty and hates cheating yet he's apparently the biggest liar. If I was a fan I would be more than disgusted and disappointed and would really think twice if I want to support such shit. Lying is a no go. --mod--People need different things to form an opinion and others just don't care
Anon:
NR was out at some kind of bar last night, any idea if DK was with him?
--mod--
Haven't heard anything
Anon:
This is what we get for thinking a guy who had dated a 20 yr old when he was 44 had changed/matured!!! Ha, that's a fucking laugh!!! This guy NEVER had standards, morals & integrity so why'd we expect he'd suddenly posses them??? My mother always told me no matter how hard you try, you can't shine SHIT!!!! Norman will never change & he'll always go after the women who are either too young or total bitches. It's very telling just what kind of person he really is.
--mod--
But some of his exs are really awesome women and super nice. Perhaps people are judging to much on his last few relationships . Also who would try and shine shit that's so gross
Anon:
Funny how Norman is quiet on SM since DK arrived in Barcelona. He didn't post nor like in days. .
--mod--
But I think he did
Anon:
I still adore Norman.But he acts blind and stupid right now.Maybe it's a midlife crisis.At this point of drama I wonder if it wouldn't have been the smarter decision to tell the truth right away.There would've been a shitstorm for a few weeks.NOW this hurting and hating goes on for nearly 2 years off and on.Unbearable. Diane?She's a insidious piece of poo.Made multiple attempts to nail Norman down and finally succeeded.I can see a wedding and a baby in the near future.It's that easy.
--mod--
Whys there gotta be a wedding and baby. Both of those are weird
Anon:
I don’t know what to think about Norman anymore.. I’m okay with him being in a relationship with someone and being happy but… with DK… ugh. I wonder if he even knows how she calls the paps… does he even care that she does this? Does he care that she trolls his fans? Does he not realize what type of person she is? And I’ve noticed that when things arise with her, rumors fly or they’re spotted together- he seems to post photos of him with kids, make a wish foundation children, etc around the same time… And his Facebook page did that again tonight… several pics that have already been posted… but were posted again tonight of him with kids and charities… and it turned my stomach because it comes off extremely fake to me now, like he’s trying to get his image to be shown in a better light whenever the DK stuff hits the fan. I always thought of him as a good person but… now I don’t know what to think anymore because I went from thinking he really cares about his fans that are kids(I know he does care) but to somewhat use them to get his reputation to look better at these times… Ugh. :/
Anon:
Did anyone thought that the blond girl jumping on NR was Hillary Burton (JDM's wife), she was in Barcelona with them and she does own boots and bag like the ones in the picture, they're not a special edition made for DK (other people can have the same). When I see how many IG accounts are created by so called "fans" to only spread rumours and hate toward NR and DK, I believe this storm won't stop, so I hope you have lots of whiskies and nachos mod.
--mod--
That was my first thought. Irish nachos and whiskey all weekend
Anon:
Did DK go to Norman's exhibit opening tonight? Is that her in Shadi's video right after he pans from JDM?
--mod--
Didn't see her there
Anon:
One would think if DK was only a friend for Norman she'd be officially invited to his gallery opening. Apparently she isn't there. Sorry but that makes it all the more obvious they are not just friends .
Anon:
Did DK go to Norman's exhibit opening tonight? Is that her in Shadi's video right after he pans from JDM?
--mod--
No it's JDM's wife I believe
Anon:
Funny how DK isn't at his opening show if she was only in Spain to support him. If they were only friends why isn't she just official attending his opening so they could easily prove they're friends. Her being not there makes everything even more obvious. She's hiding and waiting for him somewhere so they can keep going laughing about us and screwing around further.
--mod--
Maybe p, if she was in Spain, they decided is was best she not attended because have you seen the hate. Also why would they be laughing
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