#well shit. i told myself I was gonna make a short post throwing out ship potential & I rambled all over the place lmao

[enigmatictarrier]

Tavros/gamzee is really good and Tavros/equius is ALSO really good. Tavros has 2 hands

#I never rlly thought abt tag & eq before but you know what? i could see it #I mainly see these two ships happening like. Either in a post-total-character-arc timeline #or they further each other’s character development & from that develops a romance. Ithink that could b fun to play around with #writing-wise #conceptually they’re just some cute ships but they also have a lot of potential for interesting character dynamics #like eqtav(? Is that the shipname) could work in an almost kismesis like relationship where the power imbalance of their blood colors is #flipped somehow & fav has more control & eq learns 2 let go a bit #& with gamtav I just think it would be very nice to see them mutually support each other & enjoy each other’s prescience :) #going post #well shit. i told myself I was gonna make a short post throwing out ship potential & I rambled all over the place lmao

[cometcrystal]

work saga updates cause i haven’t posted abt any of this yet and a lot has happened

cause i know at least one of you reads this shit. will be split into 3 parts

mute money incident 

i was the vault custodian that week and i was gonna take up mute money that day. mute is short for Mutilated and it means money that’s too gross/beat up to give out to customers, but is still real money and full enough to accept in deposits n shit. in the vault, we put them in straps marked with highlighters, so we know which ones to ship out to the feds

i was gonna do it the way another teller had done it before: gather enough bills to sell a full strap, with the mute money inside, and mark it with a highlighter and just sell that to the vault

head teller (im gonna say HT to keep it easier) says that’s wrong and i shouldn’t do it that way. according to her im apparently supposed to have each teller sell each individual bill they have to the vault and then i swap it out, swap it out for a good bill that’s inside an already- mute strap (cause they’re never 100% full of mute money), and bring it back (i.e. five 1s, three 5s, etc).

note i am still tense w her from smth she had done the previous evening

so im like Ok I Guess and start writing down how much each person is getting rid of on a piece of scrap paper. which makes sense right? cause if i’m gonna be bringing it back, i need to know how much to GIVE back.

HT sees this, takes my paper and crumples it and throws it away without asking me, and tells me i need to count it. i am upset and i said i WAS counting it and that’s why i had the paper. but apparently i have to hand count it every single time

also im apparently not supposed to give any back to the other tellers and im supposed to sell it back to my box when ??? like.

im trying to sort out this misunderstanding with her and truthfully arguing a bit because she is treating me like a child! and she looks at me and goes “do you want to learn or not. do you take this job seriously. because this is how we do this, and if you don’t want to learn, i’ll call [retail op specialist] and we can find someone else.”

so im abt to go inside the vault and shes like abt to come with me to help SWAP THE BILLS OUT and i was like i think i got it.

so i go in there alone and have to take a second and lean my head on the counter bc i am abt to start crying from how upset angry and insulted i am. she was just 100% talking to me like i was 5 years old and being EXTREMELY fucking condescending to me about the whole thing instead of just... explaining it. i have never once cried at work and i dont cry often in general. but she had nearly pushed me to that point.

when i go back out HT says “see that wasn’t so hard was it” in this I Told You So voice

so abt 20 minutes later i call her into the then-empty manager’s office so i can sit down with her and talk. because i am a petty person but im not abt to lose my job so i wanted to clear shit up w her.

TLDR i said its not that i don’t want to learn, it’s that the way you talk to me is condescending and it makes me feel like you think i’m stupid. and she said sorry and that she would try not to talk like that anymore, she was just frustrated cause she felt like i was arguing with her. so! i assume shit is cleared up

apparently, the next day, when the girl i learned the original mute money technique from came to work? HT pulled her aside and talked to her abt it and told her that we wouldn’t do it like that anymore here. and apparently! this bitch told her “apparently dott just doesn’t want to learn”! after i had that WHOLE conversation with her because i was trying to be a fucking adult! so i guess shit ISN’T cleared up!

and the funny part??? last week was HT’s rotation week so she was gone for the entirety of our new manager’s first week. and the other teller talked w the manager (MN for short) abt mute money and u know what she said????

SHE SAID JUST SELLING IT IN FULL STRAPS WAS THE EASIEST WAY SO THAT’S HOW WE’D DO IT. HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA

new manager

she officially started monday of last week, but had stopped by friday to get her keys and to introduce herself

HT is EXTREMELY angry that she didn’t get the position and she doesn’t hide it very well. and i like. i get it she’s been here for 10 years but also. just bc you’ve been here 10 years doesn’t mean 1. you have desk experience needed to be a good manager 2. you have the personality to be a good manager

anyway. MN is AMAZING and i love her. in her first WEEK, we got her putting her foot down but doing it in a considerate way, which is WAY more than could be said for our previous one, and is DEFINITELY something we need with HT. she’s very intelligent and i have very high hopes for her.

for one thing, TLDR we were cashing checks for ppl that weren’t there and had sent someone on their behalf, and we had apparently done that for a very long time but i never felt good about that. MN shut that down REAL quick as soon as she saw it happening, and the customers were all chill about it! literally the only issue is gonna be HT being upset that we’re changing that

the other big thing is its own section

Oh You’re GONNA Deposit It

so this one guy comes thru friday before last wanting to deposit a check into his business acct. let’s say his name is john doe, and the check’s made out to jack smith. jack has NOTHING to do with this account; he’s just one of john’s customers.

obviously we can’t fucking do this bc the check is made out to a completely unrelated person and not the business

i explain this to john doe and he immediately gets angry. hes like “oh youre GONNA deposit it.” with venom in his voice @ me. and i repeated myself. and he said “IS HT THERE??”

he’s asking for her because HT babies all these damn customers!! they’re spoiled as shit because she bends all these rules for them and then both of them, customer and HT, get angry when policy is cited at them

i was like ok! i’ll be right back! and i showed it to HT. and she goes over to talk to him. and even SHE tells him “we’re not supposed to do this” so she’s like “we’ll do it this one time because it’s a small check and you’ve been here forever, but we CAN’T do it again.”

SO EVEN HT HAS TOLD HIM THIS.

next friday, john doe calls in and says he has another check made out to jack smith that he’s gonna deposit. and if there’s any issue with it, he’ll close all his accounts out. like. ok lol

so he comes by and i do his first deposit for his personal bc it’s fine and then i pick up the business deposit and sure enough. another jack smith check, this time bigger.

so i don’t even talk to him, MN comes over to do that. she tells him the same thing i told him the previous week. he 100% straight up starts YELLING at her. not just raising his voice, YELLING. i can’t remember the exact convo but she hands the deposit back bc hes telling her to give it back and he speeds off

abt 30min later we get a call from someone at the call center just wanting to know the situation bc apparently he called them abt it and they told him the same damn thing we told him LMFAOOOO

so then an hour after THAT i pick up the phone and it’s him! he sounds calm and collected. he very politely asks for his account info because he’s gonna get stuff together to close all of his accounts and he’s gonna come by to do that. im like ok sir

he never comes by that day so idk if he changed his mind or if he’s planning to do it this week

the moral of this whole story is! this entire week is going to be extremely entertaining because HT’s reactions to all that MN has done so far (ALL GOOD THINGS!) is going to be extremely funny and vindicating! shes gonna be like “I’M GONE FOR A WEEK AND YOU LOST [COMPANY THAT’S BANKED HERE FOR 30+ YEARS]???” YEAH BECAUSE HE WAS BEING A MASSIVE CHODE GOOD RIDDANCE

#happy fun time #long post

[ymiwritesstuff]

Return

Oki once again I suddenly got an idea that I wanted to post asap so apologies if this feels idk rushed? But anyways I hope you enjoy!

Jojo’s Bizarre Adventure Part 7: Steel Ball Run

Gyro Zeppeli x Fem!Reader

Summary: Ever since Gyro sailed all the way to America in order to take part in the Steel Ball Run race, you had been eagerly waiting for his return.

Notes: Angst, SPOILERS FOR PART 7

Gyro’s emerald green eyes lit up and his lips curl into a wide grin that shows his golden teeth when his gaze falls on the envelope in his hands. With an excited chuckle his drops everything he was just about to do and sits down on his sleeping bag. Johnny glances at his friend a smile of his own apparent on his features as he has a pretty good guess about the contents of that envelope.

“Another one?” The blond asks, laying on his sleeping bag with his head leaning against his hand. The scene before him was nothing new as Gyro had received letters like this one many times in the past and judging by the Italian’s expression, he had been waiting a long time for this one. 

“Yep.” He says as he opens the envelope, carefully enough so he doesn’t tear apart the letter itself, but swiftly so he can begin reading the contents of it. He had been waiting for so long to receive a response to his previous letter and the excitement bubbling inside is so intense it feels like it’s about to burst out. He can’t help it though. This letter had been delivered to him all the way from his home country and once he got the envelope open, Gyro wasted no time in reading it:

Ciao, Handsome!

How’s the race been treating you?

Upon reading the first lines of text Gyro’s smile only grows when he notices the familiar cursive handwriting of his lover he had seen so many times throughout Steel Ball Run. He missed you so much and wished he could see you in person but for now had to rely on this distant form of communication. He didn’t complain, though as frankly any contact with you was enough.

Good, I hope, you know how worried I get. I can’t help it! I love you after all.. When I read your last letter and you wrote about all that crazy shit you’ve been through I.. I couldn’t help but to feel a bit worried. I know what you’re going to say, “I promised to come back after I win this race, cara. And I won’t break that promise”.

He lets out a quiet chuckle upon reading your words. You knew him so well. The letters you sent him made him feel that familiar warmth he felt whenever he had been in your presence before his admittedly painful departure. He remembers you shedding painful tears as you watched his ship slowly move closer to the horizon. As much as he hated seeing you sad, he knew he had to do something in order to save the innocent boy’s life. However he didn’t leave before promising to return home as soon as he grasped victory.

I laughed just now, you know. And it only made me miss your laugh. I miss you so much, Gyro. I think of you every day and I can’t wait for you to come back. Honestly, a part of me wants to hop on a ship and sail to America just so I can see you again. But based on the things you’ve told me.. Perhaps it would be better for me to just stay here and try to wait for you patiently. I just want you to be safe. I don’t know what I’d do if something happened to you.

Gyro frowns his brows as his eyes scan the text before him, his fingers lightly brushing over it. He had told you about the bizarre events he experienced during the race quite openly, but a part of him wonders if it was alright to bring you so much worry with the dangerous tales. On the other hand, he had promised to always be honest with you and thought it best not to sugarcoat any of the events that occurred. Gyro was sure you respected his honesty, but it still, he couldn’t help but to question it.

But I believe in you. I know you will return with the prize money in your hands and the joy of victory by your side. I will cheer you on, even from the other side of the world. You will prevail, I am certain of it. I just can’t allow myself to forget that so easily. I know it’s dangerous and I know anything could happen, but I have faith in you, Gyro. I love you so much and I can’t wait to hold you in my arms again. Please, take care of yourself and stay safe. I’ll be waiting for you, Gyro.

Love,

(Name).

Gyro smiles to himself, your letter being able to awaken so many emotions inside of him. At this point they didn’t feel like mere letters anymore. Whenever he read them, he could hear your voice and feel your emotions, which was why he had saved every single letter he had received from you. They were like pieces of a puzzle that would combine into something bigger when all of this was over. They were memories that both of you shared and cherished. With each passing day he would think about you. Your stunning smile, your beautiful (E/C) orbs that put the stars to shame and those soft (H/C) locks he had so often ran his fingers through. He missed having you next to him, but knew that this grueling time away from you would all be worth it, because when he finally returned he’d get to pull you into an embrace he had been yearning for so long.

With a sigh, Gyro folds the letter and immediately begins to write a response on a piece of paper. There was always some delay with the delivery due to the great distance between you two so Gyro made sure to always begin writing as soon as possible. Johnny looks at his friend and smiles to himself. Gyro was often stressed and tense due to everything that had been going on, but would show signs of relief and happiness whenever he wrote his letters or read one of yours. It always managed to put a smile on the blond jockey’s face. Gyro was madly in love with you, and that love would carry him through whatever the race dared to throw at him.

~

When your hands touch the fresh paper of the envelope, you immediately sit down and begin to open it. It had been a good month of sending letters back and forth just like usual and Gyro was sure that it would all be over soon. Things had gotten quite a bit hectic and to quote the Italian’s own words; “It’s a shitstorm over here, but we’ll get through it.” Reading his letters in which he told you about all that was going on was like reading a story, a very dangerous, bizarre story. But it helped you to feel connected to him in a way, as if you were there with him, experiencing those events.

Upon opening the envelope and unfolding the letter your brows frown at the unusually short length of the content. It was odd considering just how long his previous letters have been and a deep part of you starts feeling something akin to concern. But that feeling quickly fades away when you start reading:

Ciao, beautiful!

Listen, I’m gonna need to keep this one a bit short simply because it won’t be long before you can actually hear my words instead of having to read them. Yep, you read right, cara. Everything is going to be over soon. The President has gotten a bit out of control with the corpse but me and Johnny are gonna take him down! Soon it will all be over and I can finally come home to you and hold you tight.

You smile at the text, relieved to hear that everything was well. Gyro had mentioned the President’s plans and initially it did hit you with a wave of concern and worry but with his letters came a reassuring wave of relief as according to his words, things had been turning for the better.

I know how much you worry, but I assure you, I will kick Valentine’s ass AND win the race so I can happily return home. Return to you. I miss you so much, you don’t even know, but the fact that this won’t last for long keeps me going. You keep me going, (Name). I can’t wait to hold you, kiss you, hug you.. I can’t wait to see you, cara.

Your reading gets interrupted when a single tear you didn’t even notice drops on the paper. The words stick onto you like glue and caused a storm of strong emotions to erupt within you. Dammit, Gyro! How dare he make you cry?! You giggle to yourself and quickly wipe your tears and continue reading:

And perhaps.. We can discuss the future. Because I want it to be with you, (Name). A future with you sounds like heaven and I really hope you feel the same way. Well, we will have time to discuss this when I return. But, feel free to consider it! If you ask me, a little Zeppeli running around would make me the happiest man in the world! But yeah, we’ll have time for that. Take care, my love and until we see each other again, 

ti amo.

Gyro

The amount of tears rolling down your cheeks only increases after you finish reading his letter. Those tender, loving words he used were so rare, but they managed to cling to you and you wished nothing more than to feel the man himself next to you. The thought of having a family together with Gyro filled you with so much joy and warmth it felt like torture not having him here to make that dream a reality. Not yet, at least.

Soon, your long wait would be rewarded. Because once this would all be over, you could finally live with the man you loved so dearly. His voice, his eyes oh, how you missed them all and you could hardly wait any longer. Patience was key here. He would return, just as he promised and you’d never have to be without him ever again. 

And he did return. But not in the way you were hoping. And when your (E/C) eyes that were filled with joyous tears, meant to express your happiness in finally seeing Gyro after so long land on that wooden box that Johnny was dragging behind him with a dark, sorrow-filled look dulling his blue eyes, those tears froze for a split second, only to be filled with devastation.

He promised. And he didn’t break his promise. But he broke you. Because upon his return, he didn’t hold you, kiss you, hug you, instead, you were met with a lifeless corpse that once belonged to the man you loved. Your entire world crumbled, it felt as if your soul had been dragged out of your body with him. This couldn’t be happening. But the sight before you didn’t lie. And no matter how much you cried, wailed, sobbed or screamed, deep down you knew, Gyro never returned. 

And the last memory you had of him, was a letter that painfully reminded you of a dream that never became a reality.

#jjba #jojo #JoJo's Bizarre Adventure #Jojo no Kimyou na Bouken #JoJo's Bizarre Adventure Steel Ball Run #jojo's bizarre adventure x reader #jojo x reader #jjba x reader #jojo part 7 #gyro zeppeli #jojo gyro #gyro zeppeli x reader #gyro x reader #jojo gyro x reader #reader insert #angst

[awkwardtaco056]

so now that i’m no longer in the Hell that was school and after finding the lovely blog @endcringe i’ve decided to talk about my own experiences with cringe culture, bullying, and why it’s Really Bad to not let people enjoy inherently harmless things, especially neurodivergent people (read more because this is gonna get long and triggering at times, TW for mentions of bullying, suicide, child abuse, a brief mention of incest shipping. I won’t be naming any of the peers that I discuss my experiences with, because my point with this post is Not to “cancel” anyone, I just want to speak out on my experiences)

I’m neurodivergent; I was diagnosed with ADHD when I was 8 years old. I didn’t know a lot about it, and a family member even painted it as “oh it’s nothing blah blah blah just apply yourself more. Because of this, I had no idea about the concept of hyperfixations until I was in my late teens. Due to that, I would obsess over random things and my family would shame me relentlessly for it. My mother said I had an “addictive personality” and that she feared I’d end up a drug addict or alcoholic because of it.

I look younger than what I am, I’m short, and small. AKA, the perfect candidate for being picked on by people bigger and stronger than me. People made fun of my art when I was around 13, but fortunately that was an instance where spite fueled me to improve drastically. However, just because I happened to take the shitty comments and have it fuel me then does NOT mean bullying people will have that effect all the time. At some point someone put my old South Park fan art on a cringe blog. I was temporarily hurt, and a little angry, but I realized that if someone was making fun of a 15 year old’s art, they probably didn’t have much going for them in life, so I moved on.

Fast forward to high school. Everything was horrible and I’m not exaggerating when I say I barely made it out alive. I was living in an abusive household up until January 2018 and I found comfort in many different interests. I’ve always found great comfort in music and the arts in general. In 2016, I drew a picture of a mermaid. I was inspired by the chocolate opal gemstone, and I thought it’d be fun to draw a gay chubby mermaid with dark skin and a rainbow tail and freckles. Junior year was lousy and I wanted something that sparked Joy. I was immediately told that “scientifically, mermaids wouldn’t look like that. Mind you, my take looked like this:

Obviously I wasn’t going for realism, I just wanted to draw a cute mermaid. However, they continued to tell me that they wouldn’t look like that, going as far as writing so on the back of said drawing. When I got angry at her for taking it too far (as I’d established before that I didn’t like it when people wrote on my art without permission), they got angry back, accusing me of being unable to take criticism. Heated by the accusation, I went as far as asking my art teacher if it was fair for them to say that, and she said no, stating that constructive criticism would be talking about how I could improve my lineart and coloring in the digital version. I took her actual helpful criticism and since then have improved Drastically in digital art. Even with that being said, I found myself hesitant to participate in things such as MerMay because I was leery of hearing that peer berate me for having cartoony mermaids. 

 During high school I grew to love many musicians, a lot of emo/alternative stuff, a couple being Twenty One Pilots and Melanie Martinez. I love how unique TOP’s style is, their open discussion of mental illness, and as someone who had a rough childhood, I connected with every single song on Cry Baby. It was like nothing I’d ever heard. I started listening to mashups featuring all these different artists I love, adoring how they could change the tone and sound so drastically. A peer Bully of mine in junior year condemned these two artists, declaring that they made “Bad Music” simply because it didn’t fit their tastes. They’d throw my drawings on the ground, write over them in pen, steal my headphones so I couldn’t listen to music, push me around, complain that mashups sucked and gave them a headache, and in general shit all over conetnt that was actively preventing me from committing suicide. 

Some family members were no better. Once high school hit, I began listening to Fall Out Boy, Panic! at the Disco, and My Chemical Romance. Their deep complex lyrics stuck with me. I would write down quotes from my favorite songs and thanks to hyperfixating, I remember each studio album in order My mother resented when I fell in love with the “Emo Trinity” because “the Columbine  shooters were emo and that event traumatized me” Despite that, not only did the Columbine tragedy occur in 1999 and none of the bands got together until the early 2000s, but I have a pretty good feeling those groups aren’t For gun violence. The other side constantly criticized the fact that I love FOB, P!ATD, and MCR because I’m black and “why must you listen to that white people music.”

 I grew fond of Dan and Phil in high school (and I’m still a fan to this day!), I loved Phil’s kindness and positive aura and I deeply connect with Dan’s sense of humor and personality. Their content made me happy during some very dark times in my life. It’s November 2017, I’m over a close peer’s house at the time, and notice PINOF is upon us. I drew the PINOF whiskers on my face, my plan being to quietly watch them in the corner of peer’s bedroom on my phone through headphones, the others were doing their own thing and I knew they didn’t like them, so I thought they’d respect it if I silently indulged in it. Unfortunately, the complete opposite happened. I was immediately shunned and locked out of the bedroom, told that I’d only be let back in if I washed the whiskers off because “absolutely not”. Me, being stubborn, washed them off temporarily but drew them back on in the room. Life during then was especially bad for me, as the abusive household I was in was getting worse. They noticed, of course, and even though all I wanted was to enjoy this small tradition in a time during a deep depression, I was immediately shoved out the room and locked out, only to have said peer’s family members notice. I’m a relatively shy person, so this was honesty a really harrowing experience that had a lasting effect on me. 

I grew to adore Sanders Sides as well, but the moment I found out most of my peers didn’t like Thomas, I was terrified.  I stopped watching Dan and Phil’s content for months and shied away from other fandoms too, only occasionally indulging in times of complete solitude. One time when said peers were due to visit my house for the first time, I saw the Phandom and Fander stuff I’d hung up on my wall in my little sanctuary that was my bedroom (it was the first time in years I’d had my own room), and I was filled with panic and fear. I took them down and hid them away, genuinely terrified of what they’d do to me if they saw. It’s still incites so much anger in me to this day because they turned around and ended up shipping incest, but somehow liking D&P and Sanders Sides was So. Much. Worse.

They were baffled by my actions, despite having humiliated me Twice by going on a private blog of mine separate from everything so that I could fully indulge and laughing at everything on there, once at a peer’s house, once right in school. I don’t think they realized how traumatizing it was to have a large group of people in public laughing at something I was deeply self conscious about for all of my life. I put on a brave face at the time, but ended up crying in the bathroom after first period began. I continued to be treated as lesser until things came to an ugly head August 2018 when I ended up in the hospital because I nearly attempted suicide. Years of child abuse, bullying, and being deemed “cringy” made me feel like I didn’t deserve to be alive, that everyone would be happier if I were gone.

After arguably one of the lowest points in my life, I cut them off and slowly began to embrace the Real Me. I started letting myself enjoy the things again, made true friends and even found love, my first boyfriend ever at 18. I still get choked up retelling it, but when PINOF 10 dropped, after he found out how much I’d been hurt over the incident in 2017, I was greeted with a photo of him with the whiskers on his face. I cried for a while, blown away at such a pure act of kindness. He listens to me ramble about my interests, he compliments my taste in music, he watched K-12 with me. 

This got incredibly long, but my point is this: Cringe Culture hurts people. You might think it’s whatever if the Thing doesn’t apply to your interests, but content you’re denouncing as cringy could be something that’s keeping them alive, that one flicker of light in a void of darkness. When I was contemplating suicide, I listened to The Black Parade, repeating Gee’s words to myself over and over, that nothing in the world was worth hurting yourself over. Some friendly joshing here and there is okay, but actively ripping someone to shreds constantly to the point where they have a mental breakdown in front of you and later on plan their own demise is disgusting. Nobody should abuse anyone for having harmless interests, no one. Unless you’re participating in p*dophilic/inc*st/s*xual assault/inherently abusive ships/content and pretending it’s not bad because “Fiction doesn’t impact reality!”, you have every right to like what you like and be happy. Read homestuck. Play Undertale. Draw up the Wildest OCs you can imagine. And stay away from people who try to rob you of innocent fun, life is too short and in this cruel, unforgiving world, you deserve to be happy, whether you’re a 13 year old who draws cute furries, a 16 year old cosplayer on TikTok, a VSCO girl, a 30 year old who writes/draws self insert art or a 20 year old who adores Invader Zim. 

Cringe Culture is just bullying under a different name, and it can lead to many instances of people, especially fellow neurodivergent folk to feel isolated and ostracized. Attempting to bully someone out of an interest they have isn’t going to fix them; it��s more often than not going to cause more damage. I suffer from diagnosed C-PTSD, anxiety, and depression, and sometimes I still find myself trying to over-justify my interests. To all who are roped up in bad homes and lousy “friends” who berate you for your innocent passions, I’m sorry you’re suffering, things will one day get better even if it doesn’t feel like it, and fuck those people. I’d also like to note that sometimes even if it seems more terrifying, it’s better to have one or two close friends you can truly trust than a whole group that walks all over you. You have every right to call them out for treating you poorly, and if things don’t improve, you also have every right to leave.

You have a right to live your True Self.

#cringe culture #anti cringe culture #neurodivergent #actually adhd #long post #very long post #bullying #tw abuse #stay woke #tagging the fandoms I'm in bc i feel like they'll enjoy this message #phandom #dan and phil #melanie martinez #fall out boy #.txt #my chemical romance #Panic! at the Disco #disneyfan talks #actually neurodivergent #actuallyadhd #actually ptsd #cptsd #this became an essay oops #positivity

[60b3r]

Reminder for Hope: A Speech to the Frontlines

by Albert Yang (60b3r) Greetings to all of you, dear medical professionals friends in the frontlines. I know some of you feel mad, some might feel sorry about why I didn't get to join medical school and be with you in the frontlines. You would think I could have also been busy helping around with the research or simmer down myself inside other field labs, helping you in the specimen and drug testing efforts. I did got asked this very often, and I say thanks for your concern. However, I am so sorry I couldn't be there with you to directly help combating this farce. Honestly I really wish I could do more with my capability, but sadly couldn't. I am not qualified to do things I wish I could do. That you all do now. Yes and no, I did applied for medical school. Yes, I also got accepted in several programs for life sciences last year. But why am I still back home? Is this cowardice? I am no doctor, I am no researcher, I am nobody. I am just a middle-man of history, no purpose or place. Some of us have been raised thinking someday that we would become heroes, but we just can't afford or endure the intense training you received and survived. I would want you to know that my thoughts are always with you. Please keep your spirits high, my lads, 'cause you're the real heroes now. I hope this dark times will be over soon, as the saying goes, when do you find the rainbow: only after rain. Please if I could help you in any way, be it volunteering or mass agitating of some sort, do reach for us back home. Amidst the economic chaos, stock market crash, and the panic hoarding we also experience down here, only hope drives us forward to provide the people with the stuff they require. Also we are all gathering support for your cause, one by one. For few people whom I let them know my mental hardship, you'll know that I sometimes feel worthless each passing day. How hard it is knowing for now I cannot be a doctor nor researcher to take action because of some conditions I have, but never choose to live with? I am no coward, you see. I just can't live up to the expectations of the society. Some of us can't, we are just not enough. Should I hate myself for that? I try not to, at the end, I can't really blame anyone for being born with this condition, right? Here I am hoping to take care our younglings so that they are not to be burdened with such hollow promises. During this self-imposed lockdown, I could still find myself be useful around here. Unfortunately starting from today, I can no longer work to provide my services outside and was told to stay put, be at home. I am fully aware this is a very important thing to do to help curb the infection rates. For this, being a potential asymptomatic super-carriers of the viral pandemic is a very ignorant thing to do. Still, I got super upset cause I can't do anything and need to start living off my emergency fund savings, instead of just having managed paycheck to paycheck lifestyle. You all feel relatable, huh? Truth is, most of the working class people like us are still unable to do the social distancing, a luxury people can't afford. They still go out and work, because people need to eat. They risked themselves out there, roaming the empty roads scrounging through piles of shit to stay alive. Stupid bunch, they are, but I was one of them. I understand it is a hard choice to make. Meanwhile the high elites had been emptying the shelves since a week ago and now had securely holed up inside their mansions, barricaded, and fully stocked with post apocalyptic measures in case your whole line of defenses broke and, god forbid, all hell breaks loose. Also not their fault, considering they are the ones who are at highest risk of contracting and spreading the disease for throwing money around the world and fuck up tourist attractions. It's best for these rich bastards to stay at home rather than carrying these little killing machines and slaughter those who are unable to afford basic healthcare. Left standing in the midst of this chaos are us, the remaining middle class. We are left stranded inside our petty little houses, eating out off our small stash, hoping our food stocks lasts for how long this outbreak's gonna wreak havoc. That is, if it dwindles much quicker than the brewing anarchy people brought when the poor and the stupid finished off theirs and starts demanding answers for high demand and soaring prices. For now, we tend to our small decent businesses with heightened caution. In these uncertain times, the middle class are becoming increasingly nervous comparing themselves to the people above them and also anxious looking down people who are beneath them. Got two-pronged, poor bunch. If only... Ah nevermind. I am speechless with the so called 'democracy'. A failed system, no other living thing in the face of the earth has endured and succeeded through this method. Ah, back to the outbreak. It's been 4 months going. Seeing so little I could do, still we see another mass gathering around religious icons like nothing's gonna go wrong. Bunch of dumbfucks, they are. Maybe, I am starting to get used living like this. I might have seen worse, and I am still indifferent for being on this side of history. Do I lose hope in humanity? Do we just abandon ship and give up? No, we can't, can we? We have been this far down the road of evolution, right? Well, no worries, I am the philosopher here, not you. You do what you do best! Whenever you got your short break, take time to reflect on how much you would do and how far could do to help people in suffering, and be proud and content. You got the opportunity to be sent out there and become the willing face of human's defiance and sheer arrogance against mother nature. Please don't forget to reach us about any updates, your thoughts, or anything else. Let me know what is it like being in the frontlines, dealing with endless waves of slow-paced testing procedures, the huge government insurance policy paperwork, and calming down those frustrated and devastated family of the patients. We need to know, and we would try to spread the word so that people could sympathize and be considerate to the effort. Peace be with you, my fellow comrades. Humans have always been successful in dictating nature. I hope we'll come back to find all is not always fuck-ups and misery. That there is still hope in humanity, which propels us forward in civilization, bending the fabrics of space and time continuum. I wish our hope in humanity will not be lost into this calamity. 21 March 2020 12.58 PM

#speech #text #pandemic #plague #outbreak #COVID-19

[wiredandrewired]

Was trying to actually work on something but my brain is stuck on loop.  So instead I’m gonna make a post of the Voltron stuff sitting unposted in my writing WIP folder to help me organize my thoughts.

I guess since I’m posting this, if you have anything you wanna say/ask about any of these feel free.  I respond well to outside interest.

1. Project ReVolt is without a doubt the project I’ve posted about the most here.  And talked about in random tags.  And tangents.  Originally it was just the name the project had in my internal brain filing cabinet but it’s kind of spread and stuck to where my wife and I just refer to it as that when we talk about it.

ReVolt is basically going to be a VLD series rewrite more along the lines of how my wife and I would have done it or at least liked to see it done.  In some places it will probably stick pretty damn close to the events of the series canon, but in others go completely off the deep end.  We’re each going to be doing one, so a lot of the headcanon and worldbuilding and such that we’ve worked out together in various other stories and RPs will be consistent between the two stories, but it will also give us a place to veer out and do things without the others’ input (as we’re not gonna let each other see our fics until they post, tee hee).  I’ve done a SHITPOT of rules and infrastructure work using actual alchemy tracts to try and make sense of the series’ largely Powers As The Plot Demands system,  and am pretty convinced I’m going to A)fall hard into my very common Esoterica Ranting Mode pitfall and B)enrage literally everyone who reads it with my character and plot choices.  Most conservative estimate says this will be six ‘books’ long as again, we’re doing literally the entire series.  Current status: at the ‘ridiculously large amount of notes and setting up actual arcs and outlines’ stage, and waiting for the wife to finish ‘Happier HOPEless’.

2. There Are No Monsters Here is a fic I really want to do but cannot seem to get off the ground, set to take place entirely in the ‘last universe’ from season 8--the one native-Honerva died in and crazed-death-god-Honerva picked out as her ideal and tried to wedge herself into.  I guess the basic idea was that, like the ‘main’ universe, it got rebuilt pretty much as it was prior to Nightmare Mom Ruining Everything, and I have it with no one fully remembering the events of season 8 that took place there, but characters really closely tied to those events having some itching feeling that something happened, and all the Altean alchemists agreeing that some kind of massive quantum Event certainly occurred even if they don’t know what.  

Mostly the story exists as  a place for me to have a canon-compliant AU that still lets me explore stuff like Altean history, the racial and cultural tensions of the Coalition, dink around with Oldadins that DON’T die in one fell swoop, a living Daibazaal and Altea, Lotor growing up with a decent-but-not-without-strains relationship with his dad, teen Allura and tiny Lotor being absolute shits to each other while also coming to terms as they grow up with who and what they MUST be both on a political and quantum scale, and generally prove that even a perfect universe isn’t, all in one place.  The title is entirely facetious, and anyone who’s read any of my alien culture headcanons for this series knows that.  Lol.  Current status: lots of bits and pieces, but no good beginning or connective tissue.   I have a lot of notes, some arc outlines, and a few scattered scenes and bits of dialogue from later in the story, but my god, I CANNOT get it off the ground.

3. Someone Must Get Hurt (But It Won’t Be Me) is supposed to be a pretty wholly Honerva-centric fic that starts...sometime in her youth?...and carries forward to an as-yet-undetermined point.  Probably her death.  I mean the first one.  I’m not sure.  Another chance to dig my fingers into Altean culture and Alchemy, this time leading up to All The Bad Shit That Happened, with the added bonus of being done from a focal point of a character I have a lot of really strong feelings about both positive and negative that’s resulted in me somehow being EVEN MORE wrapped up in her than I was before I added abject knee-jerk trauma hatred to the mix.  In no way meant to make Honerva more sympathetic, I think I just want to write her even more like my mother so I’ll feel EVEN BETTER about killing her?  Idk man my feelings about her are so complicated.  Also an excuse to write a shitpot of her and Zarkon because listen, I’m really glad they’re married because I ship them so fuckin hard.   Current Status: SO many notes.  SO much infrastructure.  Like three pages of an opening I’m almost definitely throwing away because I can’t decide where, when, or how to open but feel like this isn’t it.  One short but very telling scene of Honey and Zarkon from late in the story.  I’m obsessed with it but I can’t get anywhere. 

4. Currently Untitled Demon Hunter AU started because my wife talks to me about Happier HOPEless a LOT and I just got an itch in my bones to work on one myself.  In spite of the entire Demon Hunter AU thing getting started by a prompt on a Shance blog, neither Shiro nor Lance are set to appear for at least a chapter?  And I am not confident in my ability to not veer off into utter non-shipping anyway because man, am I bad at it.  Or like...just an entirely different ship for either or both of them.  Current Status: A lot of vague notes, a POWERFUL urge to structure the chapters and overall arc after Ripley’s Gates even though that limits my chapter count and means I will DEFINITELY have 20k+ word chapters, and about seven pages of the first chapter so I guess I’m committed now?

5. Currently Untitled Post Series Fic basically exists for me to vent my frustrations about two main things: The Universe is Fucking Huge And There Are Dangers Other Than Galra, and The Galra Empire Was Huge and Is Not Going To All Fall In Line Behind Voltron Coalition and Especially Behind Keith Who Just Arbitrarily Fucking Decided To Tell Them They Couldn't Pick A New Leader According To Their Own Traditions And Need To Do What They’re Told Now What The Fuck.  Also there was a lot of stuff in the series that got left hanging, and while ReVolt is an IN-series fix-it fic, I wanted something that patched up loose ends in a way that was satisfactory to me but also kind of canon-compliant.  Current Status: A lot of notes and screaming.  No one has seen my progress on this and they might never.

6. Dog Runs And Death Dreams is a warmup file turned deeply self-indulgent series of scenes in which I choose to assume that Shiro’s rare neuromuscular disorder was left so ambiguous so I could plug the symptoms of mine into it.  It’s genuinely not any deeper than that.  The whole thing is set pre-Kerberos, and includes copious Shiro x Adam content because of it, but also not the kind that makes me feel good about writing because that means it includes the ‘slow fizzle’ that leads up to their breakup before the mission.  Ugh.  Working on it does make me feel better when I've been having symptoms, though, and I’ve been letting myself write it, unchastised, in a really loose rambly way that I usually deride myself for.  It’s just cathartic.  Current Status: no notes, no plan, just strain-writing between seizures, but somehow it feels like it has some kind of structure and just keeps growing?  Possibly too close to the bone for me to ever post.

7. Birth and Rebirth was born out of two things: the fact that Zarkon is shown to have two ENTIRELY DIFFERENT reactions to first being presented with his baby son in different flashbacks and different seasons, and the fact that in spite of the flashbacks we get at the end of the series, earlier on, the impression I got of Lotor and Zarkon’s relationship wasn’t of a young man who had never had affection from his father, but who had instead lost it.  Well, three things: I have a lot of underlying issues at work, at play, and at large when it comes to the Galra Imperial Family.  Also, anyone notice the monitor blips in the first baby Lotor flashbacks indicate a heart murmur?  Anyway, it was supposed to be a thoroughly self-indulgent and thoroughly self-hurtful examination of Lotor’s early life and the death by degrees of what was left of his father in the husk Rift Adventures left behind, but I got stuck on it a little way in.   Current Progress: ten pages, a lot of notes, and some wistfulness.  I keep hoping I’ll get inspired to pick it back up again.  Contemplating rewriting some of the beginning, maybe it’ll help?

Bonus entry that is not actually in any form of progress soever:

50/50 Voltron Trashfire Edition is spawned from the ‘50/50′ challenge on an old TF board I used to haunt.  It’s a fifty-prompt smut challenge using the list of ‘50 reasons to have sex’ from some tv show, and the idea is to write a different ship for every prompt (hence the name).  My wife is blazing through it and has several (like twelve?) up on her AO3, but I’ll be utterly blunt: I haven’t written fifty porn fics in my LIFE.  Over ALL my fandoms.  Current Status: Literally all I have done is assign a ship to each prompt, and I might actually have some prompts with just question marks beside them still.  I have one aborted start to one entry.  That’s it.  It’s not happening.  But the empty file is technically in the folder, SO.

#things Rewire Writes #disregard I'm decompiling #writing woes #fanfiction: the struggle #the state of the rest of these makes me a little worried about Revolt tbh #I need to unclog the writing pen in my brain

[whimsically-ominously-auspice]

Im playing my online farming game and I hear "come on guys. Let's go. Time to quit playing around. Mom has people waiting -- like the whole world for our results"

Well it's been 7 hours since the last update and about 6 since they got that larger batch going

Chasity: the UV is doing better than i expected, I'm pleasantly surprised but it's also worse than i thought.

So she explains to me that it is easy to kill but it develops very quickly as it ages but its not harder to kill. Like a fine wine it goes down quick.

Chasity: mom you play too Much. So as it ages it does become slower to kill but it's not easier nor harder just longer.

Me: that's weird

Chasity: yep. We had several different people test it. And the results were all the same But it was milliseconds however we are spraying directly onto a a Petri dish, an antiseptic/antiviral/antibacterial that is prescription for lab use only and so in real life out in the air we don't know the actual results as far as in time - at this time. But we are only 12 hours into the testing phase -- first we had to confiscate the correct virus -- which we did about midnight last night but we didn't really want to test it unless there was an interest and to prove the "PRESIDENT" wrong is an interest. At least for us here in this lab. Because we Are scientist and not idiots. And so to find out how about air we have to spray it into a confined room we have here in the lab and it will show how fast it dies airborne or if it remains air borne past the allowable spray. So like is it just sprayed then falls like the one mom had created (on "accident" through George Bush) so its not airborne or does it remain air borne like the COVID and COVID-19. which once again if you have COVID-19 you cannot get COVID, I've tested it here in this lab they do not interact -- mom what do you call it? A one way window?

Me: yeah because i tried to explain the one way pathway but George Bush didn't understand... He doesn't understand that blood flows one direction through the body from left to right he just thinks the blood goes back and forth in the same blood tube. Like a two way street and so he argued with me and so i explained it as a one way and two way window and he was all "the only one getting arrested here is you. I've proved I'm not smart enough to do all this! Twice!! Just to you!" And he leaned over the table And whispered "And all my life to the secret service" he makes it fun to screw him over to make the perfect virus to kill aliens. To get them off our planet. But to keep humans safe!! And so yes one way mirror.

Chasity: oh that is too funny. That is all i wanted to hear you say, that hes dumb. Your memory is perfect!

Me: so how is the humidity going?

Chasity: sucks fast growing and not easy to kill. But! It does die in about 5 whole seconds and not milliseconds like the UV

Me: so people should feel safe to hang their clothes on the line?

Chasity: oh yeah! Exactly! But they should know the virus can spread in the sun and the UV aka sun won't kill them but it should be safe if it's not like apartment living and its in a private location. It would be better watched to dry in the sun with a fan on an extension cord in a barricaded outdoor place and if you hear someone cough while your clothes are outside you should spray Lysol for at least 2 seconds immediately directly onto the clothes. At least that's what I would do, stay outside with them listening for a cough or discreet spray from a hoodlum or terrorist which is the same now a days. While reading a book and catching some rays myself with sunscreen and sunglasses of course -- in the privacy of my own yard which is allowed even in Spain.

Wendy: so what is the safety? I'll answer that myself. Very very bad. The one mom had was very digital and not many were getting sick from just the Corona. This one however is very bad in just the way it makes any one everywhere very sick and the rate it multiplies. Mom waited too long to close the labs but she stopped one that was 10 times worse and presumed to kill within hours if not just a few days. Like 3 or 4 immediate death. This one now isn't designed to kill, its like mom's. But this one she stopped on Tuesday was like COVID But for every one. It was true Hell. Luckily JuJu pissed her off and she ordered it closed. Otherwise my dad would be dead and probably millions if not billions. They had the orders up,boxed and ready to ship, they just wanted to test on a human first -- my dad.

Long story short. JuJu was the test dummy..

Wendy: yeah! And he died in 4 short hours! My dad wouldn't even had time to get home and would died in his car on the road and it would looked like a generic car accident! So yeah fuck JuJu. I'll kick his ass.

Me: sounds like you did

Wendy: no that was you! Once you posted he committed suicide he knew it was a cover up Because you were just going to have him murdered so he just drank it on his own. That's what i saw.

Me: he hates women so much he committed suicide so that i couldn't have the honor of killing him. Well he only proved women are always right which has Always been my fight with him. Well we won in the end! Hoorah!

Wendy: like 17 people committed suicide that night!

Chasity: Mostly by poisons. They didn't wanna go to jail And wanted control over their own death.

Me: over all death. That's why we always tried to stop them but that was dam sneaky on JuJu

Chasity: he said it was an antidote mom so we didn't know what to do

Me: don't listen to the lab people. I said there is no cure.

Chasity: but for the Corona because we knew there was a new variant for the President of the United State's request because he's mad he is going to die of COVID. I told y'all we needed a human!

Me: well just kill any thing the Corona Variant 2 is mild

Chasity: just a wet cough. But dad got it worse than you so we we're kinda scared.

Me: well i got it at Allsups and I'm nearly over it. As long as i take cough medicine. And fever. Its less than the modern day cold and flu. Corona is literally a joy to have over regular sinus infections and bronchitis. Shit i been sick from that crap they've let loose on their labs. For months sick. This is a wonder virus. So nice to have compared to 2013 and 2014. There was no emergency anything but the cold medicine aisle was wiped out all kinds. People were sick and dying! This? I'm all sleep for awhile, cough take medicine and that's it.

Chasity: yeah well dad had it really bad i thought he was going to die

Me: but he was working out exercise and working and

Chasity: doing cardio and all. See dad? You should stay with mom. She would take care of you. Stay in bed and have chicken soup, a few push ups and repetitive weights and back to bed. You don't have to reply but I hope you're listening.

Brian: shit she takes care of me like I'm a beast! Don't touch me! Breathe over there! We will lay back to back so you know I'm here but no breathy stuff. You want sex? Die first So i don't catch what you got then come back to life after. She is funny tho. I don't mind her so much. That last time i was sick and she was with me i was all "i feel great let me go running!" Then i went back and begged her to never let me do that again!

Chasity: you wanted to die huh?

Brian: she put me in a cool bath and I fell asleep. And I woke up and she was adding hot water. Which made me sleep more. But she left me in there alone while I was asleep! She said I was too tall to drown unless she tried to kill me so she just stopped any one but the little girls from going in. But she covered me with a towel so they couldn't see my junk in the front. And i thought it was a blanket and I was all "oh she's so sweet to bring me a blankie. What the fuck! It's wet who did this to me?! Oh that water is hot. Ouch. Good thing I'm asleep that ain't me. I always turn my own water on. No girl would bathe me. Just ask JuJu Bee. Im too ugly but then again she tells,him she calls him that because bees only sting once and Then they die and she's been stung and she's just waiting for him to die and JuJu because there's no Jesus for what he's done and over all jujuBe candy is good for nothing with no nutrient value and he should shut his face or she's gonna kick it in. What a chick. Hand me that wet towel back I'm getting cold" and you know she told me "it's hot you can't tell the difference of the temperature and the towel is in your lap you never handed it out. But some things you see in your dreams are real. Your body just doesn't know it." And I seriously woke up and I shrieked "are you trying to burn me like in that book with the grandma? You're trying to burn my balls off?!?" And I heard all this laughter but I saw her face looking directly at me not at all amused but slightly sad and I got really scared "why are you such a nightmare?!?!" I seriously shrieked and i thought she would cry but she started to laugh and she got up from the edge of the tub and suddenly a rubber ducky started to float in the tub and I grabbed her arm and said "no babe look!! Did you turn into a duck?!?! No I'm grabbing your arm what am I thinking?!" And she looked down into my eyes real deep like she does and she says "you're real beautiful don't you know?" And i let go of her arm "go on go pee. But what is that laughing you have a tape recorder or something?" She said she wished because it wasn't funny then but she knew she would laugh later. Finally she told on them two, Annabelle and Declan because she adjusted the towel and I was getting ready to throw it out but she shrieked then "no!! You need it to cover up for the kids!" And I said "well where are they?" And she moved her head slightly to the left and motioned me to shh. So i pretended to be a sea monster with a pink towel over my waist and scared the dickens out of them both. Declan looked at me in horror and said I was no fun! Me! Me! Of all people. After i was nearly pissing in my tub talking in my sleep. Shit. I knew i said some bad stuff but all i could think was that it was about sex and murder. Luckily the words that came out were sober compared to what was in my head which was drunk with power.

Chasity: so you're seriously thinking it won't be so bad then? To live with mom then with me?

Brian: I mean well..yeah now JuJu is dead and so is a lot of other people it might be a possibility.

Chasity: because dad this is really important to me So don't mislead me.

Brian: well she's not So bad... She's just a lot of work!

Me: you are a lot of work. You want to treat me like a baby and do everything

Brian: No like you're a doll! But you talk back! Sheesh! A lot too I might add! That makes the work double because then i got to think!

Me: well you don't seem to listen too badly.

Brian: Oh wow! What a compliment! That is a compliment isn't it?!

Me: yeah

Wendy: im Peter Pan's wife do you remember me? Dad you need to grow up and get a wife. Quit being a bachelor. The look isn't good on you. Or on mom. Do you hear?

Brian: yeah i hear. I am listening.

Wendy: okay good. In conclusion of the virus growth we will get back to you tomorrow, general public. And dad we hope you grow over night just as Much. Mom's been typing just over an hour and no major changes to report but now we need to get the room ready and we will have that report tomorrow. Dad thanks for the talk. We always enjoy the Tales of the Man Dressed in a Pink Towel in the Bathtub.

[lockwoodspecial]

FOR THE OTHER HALF OF BRENNACE,

i’m going to be completely honest when i say that i don’t know how to start this. for someone who loves talking so much ( i know you of all people are aware ), i’m actively finding it hard to know where to begin. can i hit a big cliche right away and go with the whole “holy shit it’s been 4 fucking years”? it’s funny because when i look back on our friendship, it always strikes me how totally and completely by chance it was. sure, i guess all relationships of any kind happen by chance. but there was quite literally next to nothing to tie us together. no one r/pg, no common friends, no mutual follows on personal tumblrs even. and it’s crazy to think what if. what if you hadn’t posted about wanting to do a f/orwood 1x1? what if i hadn’t been looking through the tags? what if we had never messaged each other? what if we hadn’t immediately connected and proceeded to spend hours crying about our kids on c/hatzy together? we started talking literally out of nowhere, and in a way, as ridiculously cheesy as it is, i kind of think it was fate. from that first conversation, we fell into a rhythm we’ve continued every since. we just fit. every single day i am reminded of how fortunate i am to have you in my life, but i also fully believe that the universe knew there couldn’t be a jenn without a bri. and bitch  -----  if you think that’s sappy and lame, i’m only getting started.

these four years have been some of the craziest in my life. between university and then graduating, living by myself for the first time and then adjusting to being back at home, job things and adulting, learning how to drive.....and top that all off with the most random family drama. the more and more things that happened, the more i felt like i was actually growing up and coming into my own as a person. they’re some of the most formative years, you know? stepping away from your safety net and all that. and throughout it all, you have been the one constant that i have always been able to turn to. whether it was that first time on a skype video call and you helping me hang up my map on my wall in my first apartment, to having you on the phone when i had to go to the creepy ass basement to throw out the recycling in my new building, to assuring me i could get behind the wheel and be okay, to teaching me how to fry jalapeños and laughing at me sticking plastic bags on my hands. the most random ass things but in each of those moments? they were big. and i mean then you incorporate 9 hour calls ( gaming or talking about everything and nothing, and yah i’m def averaging bc we’ve been on for way longer multiple times ), you coming with me to or from class and vice versa with you and work, me harassing your family as well as you, talking while you clean for fun ( u freak ), the 293489327589493084 texts and msgs, ton of movie nights..........and then on top of that, include both of us venting about the most random things and getting real at random hours of the night. i’m pretty sure over the span of four years i have talked to you the most out of anyone. and you have been there the most for me out of anyone. big or small, aware or not. i have always been able to count on you, confide in you, laugh with you, cry with you, harass you, grow with you, be a better me because of you. and i don’t know if you’re aware of just how much that means to me. having you as my best friend for these four years has helped shape me into who i am today so much and i am so fkn thankful for it. and always, always for you.

super lowkey but --- you’re kind of my favourite person. as harsh as you can be on yourself at times, because you can be and i know it, i’ll always be here to remind you of the total opposite. you’re one of the most genuine people that i know. you are who you are, you’re completely honest about your values, what you want, your likes and dislikes, your thoughts. and you are such a good person. we can joke continuously about how dark our souls are and stuff but you have one of the biggest hearts that i know. your loyalty to people you care about and to the right thing never wavers, and you will always go to bat for your friends. not to mention that you are a complete angel to people from your family to random strangers, and so, so good in helping out with literally everything ever. i’m not kidding when i say my parents want to adopt you. and on top of that, you are so incredibly talented and you better not doubt it. like dude, for real. the way your mind creates things, be it graphics ( pls hold ur applause at the beauty i made u, and yah i figured we’re gonna get through all our ships eventually ), or the actual poetry that is your writing, never fails to amaze me. i’m so happy i get to experience that with you. but while i could go on and on about how much i love writing with you, i’ll get gay abt that somewhere else i’m sure. you know what else? you have this amazing spirit. not only is it your drive and determination to do things and move forward, but your love to get out and do the most simple things is something that i have admired for so long. i remember when i came to visit you for the first time two years ago. man between roller blading and the movies and the flea market and random stores? we didn’t go wild, but that was one of the best weeks of my life. and that’s just a handful of things. please never, ever sell yourself short. because you’re one of the most incredible people that i know, and i mean it when i say you’re stuck with me telling you that forever.

you are my person. yah yah, you knew i would pull out the grey’s quote eventually. but never have i found something that just seems so much like us. except for this whole concept of ‘drift compatible’ - a bond and understanding between two people that is so deep that it’s kind of like at times they share the same mind ( i had to go find a post you reblogged years ago to get that meaning right and simple ). i like to think that despite all of our differences, because we are two very different personalities, that’s us. you once told me that we have a friendship that you don’t feel like you deserve. there are a lot of times where i feel like i don’t deserve you. you are patient, understanding, caring, supportive, and so, so strong and solid. you always have my back, no matter what. i could be having the shittiest day in the world and want to hate everyone but still want to talk to you. because you always make me happy. and not just in the superficial ways like we can joke around and spend hours watching animal videos or making dumb faces at the camera or weird sounds into the mic. but you know me. you say it and i deny it, but you do. you know me better than anyone and that means the entire freaking world. and you know, we talk about eventually leaving this blue hell and living together with dogs and being a general Mess and i would like to remind you that i am 10000000% serious. this is a thing that’s gonna happen. i trust you more than anyone, i believe in you more than anyone, and i’m gonna continue harassing you more than everyone forever. you are my best friend. you are the best best friend. you are my person, you’re my other half. i love you so, so, so, so much. ( get it, i did four because four years? ) thank you for helping make these four of the best years of my life. thanks for being there with me through it all. thank you for being my best friend. i think i started this gay ass rant with ‘holy shit it’s been 4 fucking years’, but....can you believe it’s only been 4 fucking years? we got our entire lives ahead of us because we’re gonna die together as old ladies probably with you beating my ass in some way. can’t wait to start that trend when i see you in one month and hug you so tight that you’ll punch me. what can i say? i love you, bitch. HAPPY FOUR YEAR FRIENDAVERSARY, HOE!     /     @fierceli

#FIRST OF ALL PLS LOOK AT MY MASTERPIECE GRAPHIC AKA THE MANIP I JACKED FROM YOU AND EDITED BEAUTIFULLY!!!! #i like 2 use my photoshop talents and show them off to the world pls hold ur applause #ok i know this is long but.............man /4 years/ what did u expect #before you get violent remember 1) you gave me permission to be gay i have receipts 2) never forget when i tried to speak my emotions #anyway i would've posted this earlier but my entire day was on a call after u didn't die and i couldn't do it then it would've been awk #i don't want 2 talk abt my tears but i love u a lil i guess #re : brennace. #fierceli #re : friendaversary.

[fragmentedimaginationcreator]

He Was a Natural Disaster Trapped in Human Form - Chapter 1/???

This is not happening in the same universe as the Fragmented Imagination but since I’ve decided to give shell at least one character (Protagonist) from this story anyway, I figured that I could use this side of my tumblr as generally posting my stories. (main focus still on fragmented, not to worry)Fragmented News: I’m gonna be posting a slice of Lucas’ life soon too as well as the fixed versions of the Prologue and Chapter 1, as my Beta finally fixed it for me ^^ And after I’ve finished with my current faceup/wig commissions I’ll start writing Chapter 2 for the Fragmented Imagination

Anyway. What is THIS story about?

- - - - - I went out of town to meet a friend. We had not seen each other for a long time and – as a socially impaired piece of shit that I am – I felt extremely nervous to see them again. How come the more time I spend apart from my friends, the harder it gets for me to gather up the courage to see them again? My heart kept racing and I was sure that something weird would happen. Either I would make weird sounds with my mouth (that one could mistake as speech) or I would do something utterly stupid. Maybe I would meet someone new and they would throw my world out of balance. If only I had trusted my gut instinct and believed that it might not be that far-fetched theory, I would have dialed my friend (and actually pressed the ”call” button) and come up with an excuse to move our meeting to another time. If only I had known that I was about to meet the Hurricane that was about to turn my world upside down, I would have turned away, covered my ears, closed my eyes and began shouting until my lungs were sore and no sound was left – anything weird and/or new scared me shitless and I did everything in my power to avoid them. But now that I have met this natural disaster trapped in human form, I would slap my past self in the face if they tried to walk away. I’d rewrite history countless times and I wouldn’t care who I would have to write off or on in to my life if it meant that I’d get to see that person again - even if just to pass by them at the super market. However… It was a chilly afternoon when my buss arrived to the station in this weird town that I had never visited before. My friend had just moved there a month or two ago and had insisted me to come see her new house (I had ”a flu” when her house warming parties were held). My friend, Nelly was her name, was waiting for me in front of the station and waved me happily when she found me stepping out of the buss. We hugged. I was never a fan of hugging - I preferred to keep my personal ”my meter” -space – but I found that it was actually comforting to be hugged by her. We had lived together for 2 years when we were still students so it felt like it had only been yesterday when we spent hours just drinking tea in our kitchen – not 10 years. ”How was the trip? There has been this horrible wind lately and other buss was late for like 30 minutes. So I was a bit worried that something would have happened to you”, Nelly said. She was so talkative. I replied to her with simple ”Uhuh, no, it was all good.” ”So Anon, I hope you don’t mind…” she started. (Shit, I do mind, I hate surprises… Also she must be the only person who still calls me with that nickname) ”One of my friends is staying over at my place – He has had quite a rough year and he is currently homeless so I let him stay at my place…” she looked at me while buckling up her seat belt. She was trying to read my expressions since she knew that I hated people. New people more than anything else. ”I did tell them that you were coming and that you were bad with other people, so just tell me if you’re uncomfortable. We’ve arranged it with my boyfriend so that he can stay at his place if you started feeling… those feelings again…” Ah, but of course… Nelly remembered. I have had my fair share of horrible young adulthood/teenage drama and I even had intensive therapy/medication for that shit – Though I had not been on meds or seen said therapist for a couple of years now. Yet, I still felt uncomfortable around other people, especially with males (funny, since I was a male myself too). Nelly had been the first person I had opened up to. Not that I meant to at the time but since she was there to soothe me when my nightmares were making me insane, she just kinda learned it on her own. ”Then why is he not staying at your boyfriend’s in the first place…?” I muttered without being able to stop myself. I was expecting to hear some sort of explanation. I mean, the guy was homeless -  I was suspicious that he was not completely ”normal” in my books just from that fact. Horribly narrow minded, I know. I lifted my eyes and met my friend’s face. She was smiling with this odd expression that was pretty much the embodiment of ”you’ll see” if I had ever seen one. I was pretty sure she’d also say that out loud but instead she just made a hand gesture, indicating that I should also buckle up mine as she started the engine. It was maybe a 20-ish minute drive when she pulled out to the small yard in the area that looked so old that it was antique (”These houses must cost a fortune to live in”, I thought). ”We’re here!” Nelly exclaimed happily as she took the keys out and outstretched her arms (as much as the small car let her) to make me look at her house. Holy shit. That was amazing house. I had never seen one quite like it before. It was a small (green) dublex with so many details in the windows (white wood with decorative carvings), porch (how many hours had been used just to make that railing?) and steppings (not to mention garden, though it was already beginning to look a bit sad since the cold weather had killed most of the plants already). My jaw must have dropped since Nelly was smiling with even more pleased look on her face. ”My boyfriend’s aunt is living in the other apartment and I get to live here pretty cheap if I help her out with taking care of the building and her – since she is getting quite sick… Oh! But don’t worry! She never comes to my apartment without letting me know in advance! She usually just calls me to come to her side if she needs me!” Nelly said as I was making _the_ face (more people…?). We unloaded the car and I was still awestruck with the amount of wood carving and detailing. Nelly said something like ”Aunt’s grand father was a carpenter and had build this house with his friends and had made sure that the house would be the most beautiful in town” … or something like that. To be honest I didn’t pay much attention since I was in love with the building even without its history. I was actually so fascinated with the building that I had completely forgotten about the person I was about to meet. I didn’t remember or realize it even when I kicked my own shoes away and saw a pair of (filthy) army boots on the clean hallway. (they were so out of place there) ”U came already?” shouted unfamiliar voice from somewhere in the house and I completely froze. (Shit. I was about to meet someone new. Hell to the NO! I’m not ready! Abort Mission! D-A-N-G-E-R-! ABORT MISSION! Abandon the fucking ship!) ”Yeah! Oh! Did you put the meat in the oven when I called?” Nelly shouted back cheerfully, disappearing to the room that was probably kitchen. I was taking off my coat when she came back with a happy expression. She took my luggage and told me to follow her to the guest room. ”We’ll be having some slow-cooked lamb for dinner – I found this awesome recipe for the sauce and I’ve been dying to use it and I just know that you’ll love it!” Nelly had begun to resemble those loving stay at home -wifes with about dozen cats– so she was clearly excited when she got to show off that side of her. As we walked past the room that Nelly had just been to (I was right, it was the kitchen) I saw the back of a man and for a short while, I felt like the world had slowed down so much that it might just as well have stopped. Man had loose jeans which had seen their better day and he had black socks (he was scratching his calf with his other leg) He had dark brown cardigan that was  pretty long and had something that resembled a hood (or just a big collar). He was holding a cup of coffee in his left hand (he had rolled up the sleeves of the cardigan but let the black long sleeves down) and his hair was a mix of natural (ash blonde) dread locks, braids and it seemed like none of that hair was the same length – but somehow it looked utterly cool and stylish the way he had tied it up so carelessly Thumb. I had dropped my bag and didn’t even realize it before the sound but I was not fast enough to react and as the stranger turned around, our eyes met for the first time. He had very captivating eyes and even though some silent voice at the back of my head kept telling me to pick up my bag and run through the front door, I couldn’t turn my eyes away. He had dark green eyes that were framed by long dark lashes, he had thick eyebrows and some beard (or maybe he had not just shaved for a couple of days). He smiled and I saw his lips (pretty narrow) form words. He let his head tilt a little to the left and exposed his neck (so long and more slender that I thought) and he turned around, towards me and started walking closer to me with a bright smile on his face. He had his arm stretched out, waiting to meet mine. Wait… RUN! I woke up from my trance, time started moving again and I crouched a bit to take my bag and stormed away to where Nelly was about to take me. I didn’t look back, didn’t care about the fact that I would see them in a moment again. Okay, I lied, I was scared shitless seeing them again. I was desperately trying to come up with an excuse to leave the house immediately. And I had only been in there for 3-5 minutes. Tops. ”There is towel ready on the table and I’ve changed linens this morning so they are all fresh and ready for you so you don’t need to worry about that! There are also extra pillows in the cabinet so help yourself if you want more. My room right upstairs, first door to the right and -He- is sleeping in the next room! I’ll go to prepare the meal so just make yourself at home,” Nelly kept talking but somehow I had trouble understanding. My heart was still beating so fast. I mumbled and smiled at her and she left the room and closed the door behind her. I stood there for a while, just looking out of the window. Why did the thing just happen? What was that bizarre moment about? It was nothing like I’ve ever experienced before. Freezing on the spot like that and even making an eye contact with a stranger and not even realizing it before they were almost close enough to touch me… But then again, there was something simply mesmerizing about him for sure. He was clearly not like any other person I had ever met before. “That’s bad”, I thought while I began rubbing my arm. I felt bruises forming under my hoodie. Ah… so uhmm… I also have this extremely rare condition called ”Bruising”. It has a long and impossible-to-remember medical name as well as some fancy Latin name but I feel like this street name describes it way better - at least it gives you a good idea what is about to follow. Basically my body is attacking itself. It’s not fatal (well, doctors don’t really know WHAT it is but so far it has not caused any casualties by itself) but it’s more like my body is trying to alarm me about everything. Like normally people with… well for example tenosynovitis, would have to rely to describing their pain to the doctors. My body is showing it physically. I get these bruises and small cuts whenever my body is, in any way, ”ill”. It’s kinda handy, like if I get a food poisoning, I can tell since my stomach starts bleeding a bit. Or if I’m catching a cold, light bruises show up on my throat. And if my body was about to develop a cancer, I’d probably find out about it before the traditional symptoms would starts showing up. Of course, there is always a downside. Like how often adults thought that my parents were abusing me since I was always full of bruises and cuts. And even though I was born with this condition and I’ve always been “hurting”, practically 24/7, it still hurts. (Like I have my better days and then I have my absolute bottoms just like anyone else - some days it’s harder to understand why I must bear with this kind of condition but since in my case it literally makes it worse, I’ve had to learn to look past it). But the worst part is… If I feel emotionally or mentally hurt, it shows on my body as well (usually it shows as bruising in my hands and small cuts, but if I feel hurt enough, it might even show up on my throat or face). I rolled up my sleeve a bit and - sure as hell - a big bruise was forming on my arm. I sighed. I knew that feeling agitated and worrying just made it worse but it’d be hard to hide huge bruise like that for long. And I didn’t really feel like explaining my condition to a complete stranger anyway. I rolled my sleeve back down and decided to keep my hoodie on. Just in case. ”That was pretty rude of you…” said a cold voice from the door. I startled and turned to the source of the voice and I swear that all the color drained from my face as I saw those emerald eyes again. ”I mean, Ya. I get it. U’re shy, but running off like that… Ain’t it a bit much, eh? Not like I’m gonna eat ya up.” said the man while leaning to the door frame. I couldn’t even gather my thoughts and he just scratched the back of his neck. ”I’m coming in, no fainting, ya hear?” RUN! I hesitated and started looking around me, trying to find a magic portal or something like that. Anything that could get me out of the situation. I was trapped. Fuck. He is gonna hurt me!? How dangerous is he!?” ”Oh”, he said and stopped with a surprised expression on his face. He tilted his head a bit and lifted a finger and pointed at my face. ”So you really have it too?” Huh? I felt something dripping on my face and turned to look in the window (there was no mirror in the room) and to my horror, I saw some bleeding above my eyes and huge bruise darkening around the corner of the same eye. By reflex I tried to hide it with my sleeve - of course I knew it at that very moment that it was for vain since he was the one who noticed it first but I felt extremely… confused, to my big surprise. More confused than hurt. ”No point in trying to hide it now, ya know?” The man said with a grin that was kinda hard to interpret. Was he making fun of me? ”Shut up! What would you know…!” I shouted. To my even bigger fucking surprise it actually made his smile turn to a bit kinder, I think. ”Nelly didn’t tell ya?” he said with a cheerful tone. ”And here I thought it was the only reason you wanted to meet my ugly mug!” (He insulted himself yet it sounded like he was actually bragging?) He rolled up his left sleeve and showed how a big portion of his arm had turned blue. ”I get bruised ridiculously easy too…!” … What? - - - To be continued - - -

#ren writing #natural disaster trapped in a human form #natdis

[survivorazores]

Ep. 5 - “I'm kind of a queen of being a dumbass” - Emily

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163621758438/tribal-immunity-5

can't believe that just i worked i can't believe i just flipped mo i can't believe it holy shit

IM STILL HERE BITCH

Raffy go fart in a shoe box you lying bag of skittles

Toph is gone and he said he loves me and I'm just------ that can easily point to me having the idol. I'm sick to my stomach and I'm just trying to play it off like I have no idea what's going on.

Welp. Toph's gone. I'm not really upset since he mutinied.

I'm the target now. The vote went to a tie because Mo found out Toph was lying, then flipped Ruthie even though I told her to vote Ricky. Now I defended Toph in the tribal chat, but Bryce flipped and Ruthie wouldn't budge so Toph went home. Now my game is blown up, and Mo, Bryce, and ricky think I'm a snake which I am. I am just feeling so defeated at this moment that I have no words. Now I either have to win the challenge (unlikely because Amanda Lynn exists), find an idol (or have someone give it to me), or convince Ruthie to be by my side. I'm so frustrated! Here we go once again. Time to get myself out of a sticky situation.

Bryce? Don't trust him. The end.

I love ruining my own game! 

I may need to betray the NFPs alliance (amanda G, Emily, Bryce, and I) if it comes down to it. What's best for the group is not what's best for me. 

http://youtu.be/LKxITCeBOs8

I literally can't believe that I got Mo to flip that vote I can't believe that Rafael just exposed himself and I can't believe that any of that mess just happened!! Like I don't wanna be self absorbed but I can't believe that I got Mo to flip? Like out of everyone that I was trying to flip?? Amanda didn't do it, Bryce did on the revote but wasn't gonna budge, now both of them are like "I feel foolish" and I just... I really was convinced Ricky was going home but Rafael got entirely exposed by Mo and Mo is now my favorite person in this game and it's gonna be so good going forward. We need to fucking win challenges though because this troll is gonna have an idol sooner or later and I don't feel like dealing with that. So we'll see what happens next I guess but y'all.... it's CRACKED

After tribal was literally hell. I'm glad Toph is gone, if I'm being completely honest. He was too much for my game and being connected to him was not good at all. But the final nail in my coffin was Toph saying he loved me as his final words. AND saying he loved Amanda G. He just exposed both Amanda G and I for giving him the Espirito idol and being his closest ally without saying what we did. Now my tribe will not trust me because I have been saying I cut ties with Toph and his last words say otherwise. And no one even suspected Amanda G of giving Toph the idol and then he throws her name out making her a target? What was he thinking?! He wasn't.

Also, Rafael is in big trouble now on Espirito as well. He's in deep shit with Mo, Ricky, Will, and Ruthie and has made a huge target of himself because he was being called a snake and he didn't change his vote to Toph. Amanda G and Rafael, two of my closest allies, are in big trouble. And I'm likely in some trouble as well. I'm hoping for the best.

I'll give you more updates later and hopefully I will have a plan.

God, Toph telling everyone in the main chats that Nayeli had the idol (if he's even correct) is so sloppy. You don't do that in a chat she's in smh. A better play would've been to gather everyone in a chat except for her and tell them, thus exposing her without her knowing. Yes, it's shadier, but most likely a better strategic move depending on circumstances. Although I can't think of a scenario where exposing her where she can see is a good idea really.

So this tribal was WILD. I might have just lost this game but I'm hopeful. Literally since INFP was formed we've made nothing but mistakes! First with the bad idol play and now this flop of a tribal. For a reason unbeknownst to me Raf and Toph love stirring the pot and doing things in such a messy way. In the end I can't go to  rocks for Toph when hes doing the MOST but for the LEAST logical reasons. I will have to fall back in with Will and strengthen my closeness with Ruthie/Ricky/Mo, but I think its doable. I hope my alliance trusts me but honestly I think we should have all flipped.

I've decided to try and save my non-existent social game. I've sent an apology to both Will and Mo. So, I hope that works, and if it doesn't oh well. I need to pull through with this challenge or else I am screwed. Hopefully this all works out.

Being nice and forgiving is my new look in this game. No more fighting. Except you Ali Tanveer. Fuck you.

I'm trying my hardest to lead everyone in this challenge but no one is online!!! No one is contributing!!! We had a call for like fifteen minutes and we made a Google Doc, put one idea in there, then everyone blasted. I know it's a little late and everyone needs sleep but I'm triggered!!! This sort of thing is super fun to me and I do it a lot, but I usually rely on others to come up with ideas for the short films. And I write short stories, but they would all be hard to film and too creepy for what the tribe wants to make as a short film. I'm stressing out!!! And the hardest part of this is Amanda G and Raffy really want me to throw the challenge!!! And I don't want to!!! I'm having fun and I want to kind of take charge on this challenge since Toph didn't exactly leave me in the best position. I need to show these people I'm beneficial to the tribe. I just keep thinking I'm in a worse position than I am. But then I realize I have allies like... Everywhere? But I just need to keep doing damage control from Toph's exit. He called out both myself and Amanda G, my closest ally. I was trying my hardest to prove I wasn't aligned with Toph, and then he goes and tells me he loves me. I can't forgive him for that. Not cool.  This challenge being neglected by a majority of my tribe combined with Toph's dramatic exit are very stressful. I've submitted like three confessions in the past hour I'm SORRY but I just have so much to say.

Okay. I'm done with this defeatist attitude of mine. No one ever got far by throwing in the towel. It is also probably annoying for people to watch someone be utterly defeated because something didn't do their way. I still have a chance to get through this. I have Bryce and Amanda G definitely. Also, I may be able to pull in Ruthie. She is definitely cracked, but her being alone could help me flip her. I need majority and that is it. I've also personally apologized to both Will and Mo with Ricky coming to me. My social game is not dead yet. I will continue fighting and Will better hope the tribe wins this challenge because I'm pulling through. I am still here. I am still playing. As long as it isn't me going home, I am still good. I might have to implement Sandra's floater strategy. I might have to jump ship to Will's side if it comes to it and I am not opposed to it. Do anything you need to do in order to keep yourself in the game. I am playing to win, not for second place.

I'm not even playing a good game I'm just Will's cute sidepiece and I'm not mad about it tbh.

I am so nervous because after Toph called my name out, no one has really come to talk to me about it. That can mean two things: 1. No one cared and people think he just wanted to stir the pot before he left. 2. People don't want to talk to me and they're targeting me after hearing that. My worst move so far in this game was telling my alliance about the idol. I should've just kept it to myself, otherwise this wouldn't have happened. Emily told me that Will said he thinks that Toph was just stirring the pot, thankfully. That gives me hope that some people also think that. I'm nervous to search for the idol again because people might think I'm being suspicious. I just covered my tracks up regarding the idol and now Toph ruined that for me (I love you, but you really did potentially ruin my game). I'm going to fix this mess by using my social game to my advantage and talking to everyone. I know it may make me look like a rat, but I feel like I need to do this now. I have no idea who we would even target if we went to tribal council, which is scary. I think Raffy is painting a bigger target on his back, so I feel a bit more confident in my position. He's also trying to fix his social game, but he destroyed it more which gives me more hope. I pray that we win the challenge and people will forget that the blow up with Toph ever happened. If people do come and ask me about it, I'll just say that Toph was probably just trying to stir the pot. Hopefully, they'll believe me.

I think I'm slowly but surely building my social game back up. I'be apologized to both Will and Mo. Ricky came to me first, comforting me about being isolated and not holding grudges. Will understands and has already responded. Mo has not though I'm not too concerned right now. He'll come to me if he wants. Now, for the challenge we plan on making fun of ourselves and the craziness that was all the tribals involving Espirito members like "Ashley had the idol" or "Toph has the Espirito idol" or "Toph vs Ricky" and such. This is basically Survivor Azores: The Movie just to show how cracked everyone is. I hope that the people, even if they don't know survivor, will still see how crazy people are. I'm excited because laughing at yourself is the best way to form relationships. Hopefully Salao loses because I have a feeling that if I go to tribal, I will be voted out.

https://youtu.be/gH47ata1O4Y

I hate creative challenges. And I hate them move when I can't be on a lot DJFDSKJFDS. I did part of the script but luckily Amanda G did a bunch too! This challenge is so hard, I want a flash game... AND I HATE FLASH GAMES. 

Gwen, in regards to coming up with chip flavors we can promote for our commercial/video thing: Have you ever wanted to taste a bunch of really offensive things that is making not only the hosts, but your tribe mates uncomfortable? Me, in response: Have you ever wanted to taste a parchment with your name on it with a hint of snuffed torch???? I really... want to be voted out now pls..... I'm so uncomfortable

I'm too creative for my team they are jealous !!! #coldbrew

So I'm playing the role of Ray, and I'm kinda scared because I don't have any lines, just actions. So if we lose I'm afraid my tribe will think I didn't do much. I might try to change some stuff up. Also Ray don't hate me please.

I feel like my confessionals are getting a little more boring lately but that's a good thing because I feel kind of safe and I feel like mayyyyybe my tribe likes me now I just have to make sure I like have a good shoot of my lines tomorrow and that these people continue to want to keep me around.  I think that they think I'm borderline insane between the idol thing, the calling them out thing, and the me saying we should go to rocks thing last night but maybe they like that about me and I don't mind people thinking I'm cuckoo if that gets me to the end. I'm sad that Ashley mutinied but at the same time it makes the entire game SUPER exciting because I don't have my 'premade' now and I love getting to know these new people and I like that I've kind of succeeded on manipulating myself in a bit, I'm still surprised I have zero votes honestly but as worried as I was about Ash mutinying I'm glad in a way because I think it might help us both in the long run. I hope our tribe wins but I really hope that she stays safe and I really hope that Amanda Lynn stays safe because she's really nice, I've been talking to her some and she's such a sweetheart I want to work with her later on FOR SURE!

The INFPs want me to flop this challenge and I'm not going to do that. But my tribe may just do that on their own. I don't even know what their plan is. We have less than twenty-four hours to go and this short film is going to be a mess. I really wanted to edit this but I think Nayeli wanted to edit too, so I'm letting her take that over. But now we have essentially the whole tribe helping but Gwen is a little crazy. Also this idea is not going to work out very much. I just!!! Like doing things my way and this is not how I would do things. I'm trying not to intrude on editing with Nayeli but I also don't want to intrude on Amanda Lynn and Gwen with writing, the two things I'm good at. I'm :-/!!! What am I doing!!! I don't know!!! We're going to tribal though, at this rate.

Sooo I think I am actually good with my alliance still. And I think that our video might not be terrible so I might be able to avoid trouble!! If we do go to tribal  I think Raf will be the target or Will and it'll come down to Ruthie so I will try to get her and Mo on my side.

I absolutely adore the INFP alliance and if the One World twist ends, I'd actually be so upset because I absolutely adore Emily. I would hate to be forced to not talk to her. What I said during our tea spilling session about the other players was very genuine about the people in INFP and about the people playing the game in general. Ricky, Will, Raffy, Bryce, Ruthie, Emily, Abbey, even if we haven't talked much, I love you all and some of y'all are cracked icons! Some of you guys aren't the best for my game, but I love you all on a personal level.

I feel like currently I could be in either a really good position or a really bad position. You can't trust anything that's said on Survivor, but the fact that no one has brought up the Toph incident makes me feel a bit more secure. I don't feel secure enough to search for the idol, though. I really don't want to do that until everything blows over, which might take a while. I'm very nervous about everything and I'm just hoping that we win immunity.

I just had another wonderful call with my favorite alliance, the INFPs consisting of myself, Amanda G, Bryce, and Rafael. We discussed a lot of things. Like voted off players, the edgic, future game, and our games. I love them so much because they're so nice to me. They all complimented my game a whole bunch and made me feel a lot better about how I'm playing. Whether that is a good thing or a bad thing is up for me to decide. I'm very tired so I don't know if I can go into detail, but I took lots of notes on other players like Amanda Lynn, Francie, Will, Ruthie, etc. I love spilling tea with the INFPs because we all have such different perspectives on things. Everyone respects one another's opinions and can agree/disagree with lots of topics and we can still be strong. It's such a good alliance because everyone has different connections and is playing a different game. I love it. Also, out of the group, should we be exposed, Rafael would be the bigger target. Sure, I think I would be the next target BUT Rafael is still ahead of me. That gives me time to do some damage control should I need to. I'm going to go bed now because it's three-twenty am. Goodnight.

During my call with the INFPs, we were spilling tea about the other players and then Raffy's name came up. It was my turn and at the end I said: "I love you, man." Emily thought I was saying it to her and told me that she loved me too. It was honestly probably the funniest thing that's happened to me this entire game. When I said I was crying laughing, I wasn't lying. It was the funniest thing that's happened in the whole game. I love Emily, she's so wholesome and pure.

Baksbsksbskwbs omg I forgot a funny part of the call between the INFPs. Whenever we were all going through each player and sharing our thoughts, we were onto Rafael. I had given him my thoughts and next was Amanda G. She ended her thoughts with, "I love you, man," and I guess I wasn't paying enough attention to what was actually going on and I said, "I love you too," totally thinking she was talking to me. And then everyone laughed at me. I'm kind of a queen of being a dumbass? First Monica Padilla, now saying I love you to someone who was definitely not telling me they loved me. Amazing.

This challenge is so not my forte cause I'm not creative at all!! I'm gonna try my best to help cause I don't wanna go to tribal!! I think we have a solid group! I feel so much better with people that actually talk and get ideas flowing not just argue or try to draw lines!!! I'm hoping we do good cause we have so m any great ideas over here!!

Jay: Make sure you're here after the next tribal, it will benefit your game Me: Hello tribe swap But there will be 15? Jay, are we expanding to 3 tribes? Because we both know how much we both hate expansions. I'm terrified of being a swap flop AGAIN. I have little relationships with the other tribe. I'm trying to build one with Ruthie, and I really like her! I do not want to be on a tribe with Ricky and not Abbey. I DO NOT want to be on a tribe with Gwen and not other sane people. I'm really hoping its not a swap. On call last night, I thought it might be a Hero Challenge, and of course nobody knew what that was, so I explained. And Francie says, "Well if it is, I want you to do it, Amanda, you're just so good at challenges." Way to put a target on me come merge! UGH. I am I just really hope we win immunity, this way if it is a tribe swap, I won't make any alliance angry beforehand and be on a tribe with them. It will also give Salao a numbers advantage over Espirito and tbh any of them can go. But I have strong doubts about this challenge. I have never ever won a creative challenge, so I'm hoping I can break that trend. Hosts, give us a big merge and a big jury... please...

emily sent 4 consecutively, so the lines indicate separate confessionals

I'm currently on call with Ali T and we are talking game. He has told me that he wants to vote out someone who has mutinied, meaning Abbey or Ashley. This makes me uneasy because I want to vote out someone like Michael, Gwen, or Nayeli, who I know he is working with, but he won't tell me.

He has suggested that myself, him, and Amanda Lynn make an alliance. We have now done that and are on call. Amanda Lynn wants to convince him to vote off someone on their alliance. I know Amanda Lynn's target is Nayeli, claiming we're voting Gwen so that Nayeli doesn't play an idol. Gwen is going to be an easily believed target because of her messy idea. She can be blamed for the bad video if anyone needs to take the blame.

Ali is throwing out Gwen and Nayeli's names, which is perfect! Exactly what we want. If we can get Ali on board, then that means we have all of the Gal Pals (Amanda Lynn, Francie, Abbey, and myself) and Ali's vote! That's five. And we can get Ashley on our side, getting that six vote. An even bigger majority. I think things will work out pretty well this round, I'm excited! Ahhhh

Low key cannot believe how many calls I am constantly added to. I love that people like me and want to work with me. How iconic. I think it's because I'm being friendly with everyone and that I keep hinting to everyone that I'm completely alone. Which is false. But everyone thinks I'll be a number for their side and that I'll vote with them because I don't have anyone else. That's a great position to be in, in my honest opinion.

I'm just hoping that no one #exposes me for being aligned with a majority of the cast? I don't think my alliances would expose me to their other alliances. The person I've given the most info to in this game is Amanda G and I trust that she wouldn't expose me. I'm hoping for the best.

Now that the call between myself, Ali, and Amanda Lynn has finished, Amanda Lynn wants to call me and discuss further right after she briefly calls with Ali. Ali told her he wants to talk with her about our call.

I can tell from the Pleasing Jay call, Ali is closest with Michael. He's not bringing up his name at all. Amanda Lynn has further confirmed that later by saying Ali asked her for permission to tell Michael about our plan to get out Nayeli. I don't want that!!! I hope Ali doesn't expose us. Amanda Lynn thinks he won't and told Ali that he could do damage control after the vote, but if we want to get Nayeli out, Michael has to be in the dark. He will tell Nayeli that we're gunning for her and she'll play her idol. We can't have that.

We're going to fill the Gal Pals in tonight about our plan. We will have six votes for Nayeli and three votes for Ashley should this work out. Amanda Lynn and Ali will hint to their five person alliance that they should go after someone who mutinied, preferably Ashley to guarantee Abbey is safer. They'll use Ashley's previous votes from Espirito tribe members to their advantage. I can also tell that Amanda and Ashley are very close. They've both played before, I believe. Probably together? Who knows.

There seem to be lots of duos in this game as well. Like Michael and Nayeli seem to be a duo, Amanda Lynn and Abbey, Ricky and Will. I'm noticing these people looking out for their other half very subtly, which is what I would do with Toph until I realized he was cracked. I think splitting up the duos would be very beneficial for my game. The two people that are closest within an alliance often have the most power from what I have seen. Amanda Lynn and Abbey's duo is the strongest of these duos because it's the least likely since Abbey just mutinied and hasn't talked with the tribe very much (at least in our tribe chat she hasn't). Amanda Lynn is such a powerful player and I really need to find the perfect time to get her out. I'm thinking it needs to be after merge because she's keeping me very safe on Salao.

Rafael made a comment last night while we were on a call and said that Francie's best move would always be to keep Amanda Lynn around because Francie is the second biggest comp threat and has a great social game. Amanda Lynn will always be the bigger target than her, but once Amanda Lynn is gone, Francie's shield is gone in a way. I like them both, but I also need to recognize that they're playing very well. I need to get them out at the right time. I've been thinking recently that I've been telling to many people the information I've been receiving. I just need to keep some things to myself but I don't know where I should draw the line. There are some things I've shared that I'm glad I've shared because it created bonds and it made people think I'm more trustworthy. But, if I want people to believe that I'm really not playing the best social game, I need to stop making it known that I have lots of people giving me information. I also think I need to be paying more attention the names people don't bring up rather than the names people do. If I bring someone's name up, it's not because I trust them, it's because I want the person gone or that I don't trust them. I never talk about Amanda G or Bryce to anyone because I don't want anyone to know I'm working with them. I believe that has to be a similar thing with other players. If I can look at who is being protected by other players, I can see who is working with who.

Anyways, this is very long and I could've made it a video confession so Jay and Ali didn't have to read - I'm sorry! I have to shower and go to rehearsal soon, so I'm ending this confession. Tootles.

http://youtu.be/LKxITCeBOs8

Lmao so here's another confession in case you couldn't tell my opinion on our tribe's video. I think we will definitely lose mostly because we're taking a serious topic such as texting while driving and making fun of NOT doing it. Um. Very problematic if you ask me. I do not  condone these actions. The Salão tribe? I don't know her. But in other news, I'm excited to have a nice blindside at the next tribal. I'm hoping that everything is smooth sailing and that no one will spill too much tea to the wrong person, yadayadayada. Anyways. I just wanted to let you know I don't condone texting and driving. It's not cool. Maybe our tribal will get it once we lose LMAO. 

So I definitely think we have this challenge down, but I could be entirely wrong. I don't even wanna try to think about another tribal or any twists right now, but I do think that I'm in at least somewhat of a good place this time around. If we're gonna consider Ruthie, Mo, Ricky, and myself the majority then we'll be fine since it should be relatively easy to turn the others against each other and send someone home, but I definitely put a target on my back by telling Raf he was next to go last time (did he deserve it? probably) so I know no matter how genuine he seems and how much we seem like we're getting along... I don't trust him and I know he's coming for me. I have a plan to take care of that, in case of an idol and all, but we'll see what happens first. I just can't even imagine dealing with another tribal council right now I... just cannot.

Um so I'm up in the light booth with a lot of downtime. I'm really nervous about why I need to be online after the competition results have been posted!!!!! What can it be!!!! I'm gonna shit myself goodbye

Salao wins immunity, and Espirito is sent to an instant tribal

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163697227443/immunity-results

The hosts really wanna give me a heart attack huh

An instant tribal? Well it looks like I'll be going home. I searched for the idol, Amanda G did, Bryce did, Ruthie did, and nothing. So now I can only hope to flip Ruthie and actually take out Will. But if he has the idol...

How is that Salao has only been to tribal once, but has lost 3 people. Cracked

hi yes the anticipation for this twist is making me shit myself you're causing me so much stress thank you so much

I AM SHOOK? I did not think we would win but holy shit the Salão video was actually so funny. Go us. Glad we're avoiding another tribal.But IN OTHER NEWS, I'm nervous for Amanda G, Bryce, and Rafael. I want them to be safe so bad!!! Now they have tribal in an hour ish!!! BUT GUESS WHAT THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, AMANDA G, FOUND THE ESPIRITO IDOL AGAIN KWWBJWNWN I LOVE MY MOM!!!! She told me individually and ain't no way I am telling anyone she has the idol. Especially Rafael, who really wants it. Amanda G can use it to her advantage at some point. Ahhhhhhhhhhhhhhh I'm so happy 

don't be a tribe swap don't be a tribe swap don't be a tribe swap don't be a tribe swap don't be a tribe swap don't be a tribe swap don't be a tribe swap don't be a tribe swap don't be a tribe swap don't be a tribe swap don't be a tribe swap don't be a tribe swap

Raffy wants Will gone and I'm not ok with that. I don't want Will going home. I'm gonna tell Amanda and Bryce the truth and hopefully they'll be voting with us.

So SOMEHOW we won that video challenge and I am still laughing because both videos were hysterical! Well the twist is that Espirito has to go to tribal TONIGHT. They have like 90 minutes to get their act together and vote someone out. But HOLD THE PHONE bc Jay say's THAT'S NOT ALL and we need to be here after tribal as well because there are more twists and I feel like it's a fricken tribe expansion and I want to cry people I feel like I am in a good place on my tribe and I DO NOT WANT to swap! UGH. The ratio is in my favor at least. If we do swap, I hope I'm on a tribe where Salao is in the majority, and that I have a Gal Pal or 2 with me, and like Ali. I DO NOT want to be on a tribe with one other Salao and it be anyone but a Gal Pal or Ali. I DO NOT want to be on a tribe with Ricky unless Abbey is there. I DO NOT want to be on Raffy's tribe period! I feel like if I can avoid Ricky and Raffy, I'll be alright but JAY WHY YOU GOTTA BE CRACKED LIKE THIS I AM NOT HERE FOR IT UGH

Everyone is just so crazy and I can't stop laughing, Will just said that he had an idea and now I'm freaking TERRIFIED LOL, I wonder what it is I will keep y'all posted. he wants to tell raf a different name and hmmm If I get idol'd out by Raf I don't know what I would do but we've only had crazy tribals, what is another crazy one?  I think Will and I are about to blow up his game in the chat, I'm EXCITED!

If I can really play Mr. Nice Guy here for a second during this instant tribal and make people think that I'm gonna flip and get this guy to not target me... I might just be able to save my ass yet again. This is the first time I've felt entirely unsure in this game though.

I FOUND ANOTHER IDOL!!!! I'm so happy and I'm not telling anyone about it. I'm really nervous about the tribal because it's so short notice and I convinced Raffy to mend fences with Will. I don't want to go to rocks and I think that if we get Ruthie out, we can get Will out soon. I'm so nervous, so so nervous.

WHY CANT WE WIN! So this might go to rocks... BUT I hate rocks... I've only been in rocks once and I was the person being voted so I was SAFE. I like to self preserve and with the announcement to be here after the results and stuff, a twist can happen so I don't think it's worth rocks. The vote is between raf and will but raf is trying to get will to come together and get Ruthie instead.

Will is voting with me. He is voting to take out Ruthie. We mended fences and now Ruthie, the actual rat who manipulated him into voting Zoe, is going down. She may be my cracked disney queen but that doesn't mean she's safe from the vote.

How iconic is Amanda G? She gave me her idol that she found for safe keeping just in case this tribal doesn't go her way. Which I believe it will. Ruthie will be good and things will be fine! I hope. Anyways, that's all I got for now. Goodbye.

Yay we won!! I'm so glad our idea works!!! This group is so amazing!!! I loved their idea as well maybe we should go into the movie business!! We have some great creative team already!!! It was so much fun to just do the challenge tho much more than I expected!!!  Being in winning tribe is even more helpful with the instant tribal. Omg talk about stress and nervous wreck. Now to hopefully survive whatever twist is in store for us next!!

https://survivorazores.tumblr.com/post/163702121558/tribal-5-rafael-voted-out-4-3-ruthie-received-3

LAST WORDS: It's truly been in honor to play in this game. I know I didn't make my personal goal of merge, but that doesn't mean I'm not proud of the way I played. How I played was always the way I've wanted to play Survivor. If there is one regret I have in the game it is not flipping on Toph during the tribal he got voted out. If I had just flipped, I would still be good with Mo and Will. I hope to play more ORGs, and for now I say goodbye.

Rafael becomes the fifth boot of Survivor Athena: Azores

#imthegreatergood #episodes

[canaryatlaw]

Well, today was fine, my emotions are just….idk I don’t know how to describe them because idk what they even are….just that I have a lot of feelings lol, kind of the same last week in that regard. But yeah. 7 am, alarm goes off and I get up. Get to work, looking over my closing argument for trial ad on the way so I’ll have some idea what I want to say. Work, I finish fixing the case list that didn’t take long, then went looking for work (lol) and got a permanency hearing for next Tuesday on a still active case, so my job was then to go through the file and take notes so I’ll know what kind of shit I’m supposed to ask. I got a few other assignments throughout the day, smaller stuff go just work on at some point. I did have the experience where I had a very hard time keeping my eyes open again, to the point where around 9:40 I closed my door and put my head down on my desk for like 20 minutes lol I set my alarm so I wouldn’t just sleep all day, and if anyone knocked I knew I was a light enough sleeper that I’d wake up immediately and could manage it. I don’t know if I managed to actually fall asleep in that time or just kind of drifted, but I suppose I did feel better afterwards. The case file was pretty sad, good kid, she’s 17 now and was removed when she was 15 because basically both of her parents were giant alcoholics and they went through this gigantic intact case before she was removed (because DCFS actually does try very hard to keep families together when they can, little known fact I know) which meant I had to wade through hundreds of pages of the parents complaining that this (going to substance abuse treatment) was “ruining their lives” and they definitely didn’t have a problem when your 15 year old daughter has a terrible attendance record because she keeps having to stay home and take care of her passed out drunk parents. So when you hear those stories about “that person your friends cousin knows whose kids were taken for no reason because DCFS is evil” please remember that there is a very high likelihood you are hearing a very exaggerated one sided story from a parent that’s likely abusive (sorry, but kids don’t get taken for no reason). Anyway, off my mini-soap box for the moment (but if anybody ever comments to be again that calling DCFS will just make things worse when they’re witnessing child abuse there is a 100% I will slap them in the face on the spot). I went to court for a little while in the afternoon, nothing too interesting going on there. So I headed out at my normal time, 4:56, (yes I am that precise) to get my 5:06 bus to get to the train to take me to class, all of which goes well. Then comes actually enacting the plan. I was gonna have to convince my classmates first, since I’d see them before the prof shows and we’d of course be talking. So I start light you know, say I just got a freaked out text from my roommate about something going wrong in the apartment, then just slowly added comments like “oh now my landlord is freaking out and wants us both there” and slipping in things like “he’s a cop so he goes kind of crazy about thing” (the former of which is true at least) so by the time the prof actually showed around 6 I had a pretty well-established narrative to work with. He did some quick announcements and gave us our final trial schedule, then after some begging and pleading on my part he let me give my closing on the spot so I could go right afterwards. I wasn’t consciously thinking to talk slowly, which means I sometimes trip over words because I just naturally talk so damn fast, but it didn’t happen too much. Was calling a Lyft before I even got out of the building and was headed home. I was anxious that we were gonna hit traffic because it was still semi-rush hour, and we hit a little but not very much at all and I was home by 6:40, giving me 20 minutes to prep to watch legends in my apartment that is very much not being flooded and occupied by my freaked out roommate and landlord, lol. So I did a few things then got ready to watch. I had Caity up on her Facebook live right before and then I had the showgo app on my phone but also my Twitter feed open on my laptop on my lap lol. Cuz with showgo you can cross post to Twitter, but since it’s still a new app it like stalls all the time and it’s not nearly as fast as my live tweeting needs haha so I ended up switching back and forth between the two depending on what was working. I don’t know how I feel about the episode really. I had a feeling we weren’t gonna get what we wanted with Snart, I just knew it wasn’t gonna happen even though I’ve been the one telling everyone to hold out hope this whole time (dammit Rachel) so I was trying to talk myself down about it throughout the day so it would be so big of an issue, but it was of course still pretty upsetting to just get him placed back in the original timeline because like, yeah he does eventually need to be there, but there was so much else you could’ve done in that story…..I don’t know. Caity told me at HVFF she didn’t know if Wentworth was coming back for season 3 so I’ll take that for what it’s worth until we hear something else. But the rest of the episode wasn’t their best. I know they were going for the whole time paradox thing but like, it was confusing to try and figure out what version of who was who, especially when characters are getting shanked and impaled on icicles, and you’re just like, is that the version that is okay to get killed or the one who will permanently kill the character??? Now of course, I didn’t really think they were actually going to kill any of their main characters. I never believed for a second they were gonna have Amaya stay dead, and when the whole Ray thing happened I actually laughed out loud because I was just like oh please I don’t believe you for a second. The concept itself was clever though, and there were some very good scenes with the different versions of the characters. Unsurprisingly, I loved the scenes with the two Sara’s, and I think the one with the two of them talking about the spear is probably one of my all time favorite scenes of the show just because of how raw and vulnerable it was for them and of course Caity knocked it out of the fucking park. And then of course there was the Laurel scene. Of course since they announced black siren would be a regular on next season of Arrow it was being asked if we were gonna get our Laurel or e2 Laurel, but I was glad we got to see our Laurel. That scene was WAY too short for my liking, but it was done very very well. It was interesting how they did the whole thing with who can handle the spear, and how it was because Sara can get past the darkness within her and use the spear for good that she is strong enough to use it (which of course directly contradicts what Phil Klemmer said in his EW interview released earlier today about how none of the legends could handle it because they had to be pure of heart to do so, but whatever). The final showdown between Sara and Damien was epic, and I’m glad she finally truly bested him. I knew of course she wasn’t going to kill him because they made it abundantly clear they weren’t going down that path, but I soooooooooo wanted to see her kill him anyway, time paradoxes be damned. Sigh. I’ll take what I can get though. I’m gonna try not to be too much of an asshole in this section but I can’t say I was terribly upset to see Rip go. It’s not exactly a secret he’s not one of my favorite characters, and there’s especially someone people ship him with that makes me want to punch through windows and throw people through them, but I can appreciate his character growth and how he did become a better person- but really, he didn’t have much of a role to play on the team anymore. I wouldn’t be surprised if he shows up again for an episode or two, but I don’t think he’d come back as a series regular (I type while desperately hoping they’ll have Wentworth Miller come back as a series regular). But not gonna lie, I’m kind of glad to not have to deal with some of that ship shit anymore that just made me irrationally angry. I was kind of surprised to see Nate and Amaya stick around, if only because Guggenheim already said there’s gonna be new characters next season and with just Rip gone, uh, the ship is gonna feel pretty damn crowded. So yeah, that’s basically how I feel. I am mostly just kind of sad that the season is over though, so I think that dominates most of my feelings (which I’ll discuss more of after my prison break reaction). I originally was told legends and prison break were on at the exact same time, but for me at least prison break was right after so it worked perfectly for me. It was pretty typical introductory episode, they got some good establishing facts in there about (of course) the huge government conspiracy they find themselves in the middle of, and what other characters might be doing during this (I’m just saying, they better have a damn good reason for bringing T-Bag back, because that dirty fuckface should never see the light of day again). I’m gonna have a HUGE problem taking Sara’s new husband seriously just because he’s fucking Hank from Royal pains and it’s gonna be pretty much impossible for me to see him as anyone else, and plus he’s already proven himself to be an annoying and clueless little shit so I don’t see this going well for him. Michael Jr. is super cute though. I liked seeing the guys get back together, you know I always love me some Sucre and C-Note. Is Sara living under an alias though? Cuz isn’t she still a wanted fugitive for breaking out of the prison that Michael supposedly died at? Or did they somehow magically get that cleared up to with their endlessly convenient government contacts? Lol. Lincoln fucking cracked me up though, he just calls Sara and is like “so I dug up Michael’s grave…” like great conversation starter there buddy. So yeah, overall good introductory episode and definitely looking forward to the rest of the season. Now, for the other associated feelings. I’ve just having a lot of thoughts lately about becoming an actress and if I would’ve preferred that life to the life that I have, or the life that I will have. Because I watch these tv shows, and I watch the actors get to do awesome stuff, and not even the famous stuff I don’t care about that, but like get to go to cons and be on panels and stuff and I’m just like…..I’m so jealous. Like I’m so unbelievably jealous and everything in me wants that life. Well, that’s not true. Not everything. There is still the logical, rational part of me that tells me I’ll never be satisfied with being anything other than a lawyer. And really, I think that’s the truth. I don’t think I could be okay with doing anything else- I just want both of them so badly. I thought that once I made my decision that would be it- I chose law, and that’s that. I didn’t expect to have so many lingering feelings and to miss acting so deeply. I also have to remind myself that it’s not like I gave up a budding television acting career here. I am aware of my strengths and my flaws in my acting skills and I know that I’m not the best of the best that get those jobs that I’d want. Could I probably make a living off commercials and shit? Probably, but I definitely wouldn’t be satisfied with that. And so I’m so torn. I see them saying they’re gonna add new characters to season 3 and I find myself hoping against not only hope but also all reason that I somehow end up getting cast in one of those rules but somehow not have to abandon law school to do it….I mean, I could always come back and finish my third year…..but how would I even come anywhere close to getting into that audition? And frankly, I want to be in law school. This isn’t some crazy thing I HAVE to do. Would I absolutely love the opportunity to do something like it? Of course. But it’s not something I’m gonna turn my life around chasing after when I already made my choice. I chose the law. I chose justice. I chose fighting for the most vulnerable among us facing the most horrific of circumstances. I chose all of these things because they need to be fixed and I need to be the one to do it. I can’t tell you how I know that, I just do. I could never live a life where that wasn’t my goal- it’s an integral part of who I am. Would I love for acting to work its way into that? Sure, that would be great. But at this point I’m not regretting my choice. As stressful as it is, I like law school. I like my job where the things I do tangibly affect the lives of vulnerable children. I like that I’ve seen so many who know the system is broken and want to be part of the solution (even if that means razing the whole system to the ground and starting fresh, which at this point I think might actually be the best idea, which is by all accounts an absolutely terrifying prospect). And no matter what I could do with fame, assuming I somehow achieved fame, I couldn’t do that myself. I could donate to charities and work with them or whatever, but it wouldn’t be my life. I need to have my entire life committed to this. Anything else isn’t enough. This can’t be an afterthought. It’s who I am and I don’t doubt that for a second. And you know, writing this all out helped me a lot. I really hope I can get some acting in over the summer, a play or two or maybe some student films. But if not, I’m still happy with my choice. Okay, now that I ranted all of that. I watched two episodes of crazy ex-girlfriend before calling it a night, and that did succeed in making my mood considerably lighter. And it’s late now, I don’t have to wake up super early thankfully but still earlier than I’d like. It looks like the official execution of evil plan I can’t tell you about will have to wait till Friday, because there’s no way I’m gonna have the willpower to wake up extra early tomorrow to get it done (and since I have no class on Friday I can sleep in and still do it). Okay, that’s quite enough for now, that was definitely more than long enough. So goodnight my loves. I hope you are content with your lives right now.

#daily journal #April 2017 #Rachel's evil plan