#what a nerd <3 | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

yanderederee · 1 year

Text

Im Rooting for You..!

April24th, 2004

a/n: no trigger warnings!! Mostly fluffy!! <333 this was my first attempt at Baji removing his nerd disguise, but it got buried and I forgot ab it!

Before… › here! › After!

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯✦

“Say.. Baji,” you said, almost in a whisper.

You’ve been tutoring Baji for about three months now. He was doing well, well enough that he could get by without your paid support. Yet…

Even knowing this, you wanted to stay by his side, and know more about him.

You’d be lying if you said you weren’t attracted to Baji. He was gentle, considerate, dutiful, passionate — well, that aside…

You just weren’t ready to part ways. Not yet, at least.

There was just one thing bothering you.

These three months, you felt as though there was a huge part of Baji you still hadn’t met yet. Like he was only showing you a mask of a person.

You wanted to see who Baji Keisuke really was. Behind the thick rim glasses, behind the suppressed persona he claimed to be.

“Why… don’t you drop the act, around me..?” You asked, forced and meek.

You tried to maintain an aura of composure. Baji could sense that.

He picked up on your little mannerisms so easily now. The glasses actually ended up being a blessing, he was soon to realize. You could never tell when he stared at you, or read him quite right.

They kept you curious. He liked that growing curiosity of yours, and wasn’t sure if he was ready to give in so easily.

“What act?” He feigned jokingly, maintaining his composure without neglecting his handwriting over the latest study packet.

You gave your best glare, which only came off as a pout, crossing your arms passive aggressively. “Fine.” You sighed sarcastically, heaving yourself from your seat.

He realized quickly you were packing up for the day. “If you’re going to keep pretending around me, then keep it that way. I’m leaving. ”

What did you mean by that? What the hell made you so mad all of a sudden?

“Leave? I still don’t understand h—“ he tried to weave his way back into your usual groove, but you looked back at him with a somewhat… hurt expression, stopping all brain function he had.

The hell were you looking at him like that for?

“Baji.. I’ve done by duty as a tutor. If…. If that’s all I will be to you, then I …” you said shakily, having to pause a moment to maintain your poise composure.

“If you’re worried about how I’ll react to knowing the real you, please, stop. I want to be your friend. A real friend to you. I don’t want to keep pretending like I don’t notice the way you act differently around me.”

Your face was getting warmer and warmer, the more embarrassing things you were saying.

You weren’t planning to spill your heart out, this type of honesty was beyond your comfort, so why couldn’t you stop?

“Whoever you turn out to be, I would proudly stand beside you. S-so,”

“Wait,” Baji stopped you, voice stern and face completely hidden from view.

Baji knew why he’d kept who he really was from you for so long. He wasn’t a coward, he wasn’t hiding behind a mask because he thought you were shallow enough to shun him.

He was hiding because as soon as you got wrapped up in Toman, your life could be at risk.

Having no way to fight or protect yourself, being associated with Toman would only make you a walking target. Being involved with a gang was unpredictable. Some real sick fucks roamed these streets.

There’s no telling what one miscalculation would result in your inevitable pain.

Emma, Mikey’s own sister, had been held at knifepoint more than once. Attacks against her have been made more than Baji even knew. But no matter what, Mikey was always there to protect her and ensure her safety.

Could Baji say the same? He wasn’t sure if that was a promise he could keep. Baji is protective by nature, but throwing you into that life without giving you fair warning would be cowardly.

It was easier to end what wasn’t meant to continue.

“It doesn’t matter if you accept me or not.” He felt himself fall into poker face, acting harshly neutral. “I won’t let you throw yourself in my life just cause it seems fun. Our crowds don’t walk the same streets, y/n.” He hissed, hardened eyes hiding behind the thick rims.

Baji has never used this tone with you before.

You were bound to be scared of him now, (right?).

“I respect how smart you are, but you’re looking to get yourself killed. I won’t be apart of it.” He said finally, his things gathered and stature towering over you when he walked past you and out the door.

You didn’t even get a word in before he was slamming the door behind him.

It hurt to swallow, but he kept telling himself that he was doing the right thing, keeping you at arms length.

He wasn’t smart. He didn’t stop Kazutora before he made that irreversible mistake— to shoulder so much guilt. Baji hasn’t noticed that the bike shop Kazutora led him to was Shin’s shop. If he was just a little smarter and noticed that obvious thing, he could have saved Shin—- saved Kazutora!

… This is how he saves you, right?

This was fine, this was the intended outcome. Baji could self study from now on.

To hide this gnawing guilt, he buried it deep, deep, deep down.

Toman has a fight tonight after all.

The perfect stress relief.

⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯⎯✦

Chifuyu had always wanted to be a wingman, and after he realized Baji’s crush on you, he was eager to spring into action. You were innocent and cute, opinionated yet kind. Quick witted and perceptive. Chifuyu knew you were struggling to keep your patience with Baji.

That’s why, when Baji made his dramatic exit, Chifuyu’s snooping-self quickly snuck in to evaluate the damage. And just as he’d guessed, you were left flabbergasted and flooded with frustrated tears.

“P-please wait! Before you judge him too harshly, let me speak!” He stammered. He’d never spoke more than a few pleasantries to you before now, yet there he was, desperately trying to make a case in Baji’s defense.

It took a little explaining, but without giving too much of the situation away, Chifuyu had managed to get you to agree to follow him. He promised on his life that he was trust worthy, and honestly, you believed him.

So that’s how you found yourself in audience of a bunch of thugs gathered for mischief just ahead of you. A long row of motorbikes rangling the boys into formation.

You weren’t sure where to spot Baji, his dead give away glasses being no where in sight. Still, Chifuyu promised that if you kept your eye out for his own blonde bowl cut, you’d spot Baji not far behind.

Before you could get a proper gander, you noticed two thugs from each opposing side came to the middle of the parking lot to speak, before ultimately calling for war.

You had guessed Baji was associated with some kind of shady pass time, as he did have a very intimidating presence, and he often boasting about his excellent skill of martial arts. To think he would put it to use like this was… <3

As you stood watching the scene unfold, you took a moment to consider if your lack of shock at the situation playing out should concern you or not. Were you more desensitized, or impressed….

You were taken out of that train of thought when a deafening roar almost shook the ground you stood. A scream that loud could only be made by a rage filled monster. And rage filled it was, Baji Keisuke’s patience had finally ran out, unable to swallow back that guilt he pushed so far deep. All the vulnerable sides of him he accidentally let you see—- revealed in those rare moment of gentle hand touches and kindness you gave him unconditionally.

He knew Your gentle hands would become soiled before long. His bruised knuckles would start to stain you.

Forgetting about you was for your best interest.

His hair was uncontainable, hair-tie snapping before the fight had even begun. His eyes were piercing and sharp, ferocious and merciless to anyone who met his gaze.

He stood out like a wild beast amongst helpless prey.

Baji wielded a wicked grin that took up most of his face, screaming out insult after curse as his fists broke skin and bone alike. He was ferocious. Unstoppable and feral.

It was normal to run in fear of such a creature, yet you….<33

“Hey hey hey! What’ve we got here?” Sing-songed a delinquent who did not share the same black and gold uniform your classmates had on.

No one noticed this interaction at first, but your shrill shriek seemed to alert others tenfold. It was an unspoken rule that if there’s a girl’s scream, you intervene.

“I don’t recognize that school uniform, what’re you spyin around us for huh? Want in on the action?” The delinquent held you in place between your collar and the wall behind you, his grip harsh enough to rip some of the cloth.

Any do-gooder would easily have stepped in to put the sicko in his place, for pulling an uninvolved girl into a beef like this one, but no one dared move.

Because there was a sick, cold, heavy air that swept the parking lot. A nauseous feeling that made any man back down. Everyone felt it. And Toman knew damn well to get the Hell out of Baji Keisuke’s way.

Chifuyu let out a yelp when he noticed he had pretty much made you a hostage, putting you directly in harms way. But you wanted to see who the real Baji Keisuke was so badly, and Chifuyu didn’t mean for it to turn out like this— and no amount of reason would spare Chifuyu from the beating he was sure to receive once Baji learned the truth of how you ended up here in the first place.

But with having no further context, Baji’s intense rage was fueled with worry for your safety. ‘Why the hell is she here? Did she follow me or something?’

Baji spat, dead focus not leaving your squirming form. The way you squirmed in the offenders grasp seriously made him feel like puking. The way your eyes desperately darted around to look for him broke his heart. So helpless, so scared… Any bit of restraint he had left suddenly no longer existed.

“Baldys got a death wish, eeeehhhhh?!” Baji graveled his most intimidating roar as the distance became shorter and shorter, reaching your side at sound-breaking speed.

Before the bold delinquent who had a hold on you could react, he was already being slung backwards. Gravity corrected you quickly, and you hissed when your knees met the ground below. Baji’s attention was solely focused on killing this stupid sack of shit.

Chifuyu came following after, helping you to your feet as you stare in awe. “C-come on, let’s get you somewhere safe-“ he tried guiding you toward an escape route, but you refused.

You remained rooted in place while you watched Baji wail on the poor guy. The force of his punches shook the offending delinquent’s whole body, head to toe. Punch after punch, his fists grew bloody.

Minutes passed, and the man before you had long lost consciousness. Still, Baji’s assault remained uninterrupted.

Surely he had lost feeling in his hands by now. The skin on his fist couldn’t even be identified as skin anymore, painted and dripping red.

You knew that when that block head was lost in thought, like he was now, you could never get his attention with words.

When you would study together, and he’d all but forgotten your presence, the only way to get his attention…

So, unfaltering, you laid one hand along the back of the blood stained monster protecting you. Without fear, you gently wrapped your other hand around his wrist. Immediately he froze.

The night was silent. Your lone whisper broke the tense atmosphere. “Baji,”

Finally getting his attention, Baji slowly turned his head to look you face to face. Eye to eye.. as though it really was for the first time.

Damn the ‘love at first sight‘ troupe. Baji called bullshit since preschool. But there was no better way to describe the unfamiliar feeling growing in his stomach.

Your expression was angel-like. Smile as kind as the heavens, moved with emotion. Looking him in the eye for the first time was also sending you into a vulnerable state. It was so pleasant feeling.

Baji couldn’t move, couldn’t breath, couldn’t think. You were literally stealing the breath out of his lungs.

Were you getting closer? Why did it feel like one side of his face was being cradled? Wait, were you—-

Your body moved on it’s own, unable to restrain yourself, until the very last second.

Baji could feel the gentle sigh of your breath against his lips, any sudden movement could mean life or death. He took a sharp breath in, but by the time he gathered his bearings, you weren’t kissing him like he thought you might, not on the lips at least.

Your lips gently rested on his sweat and blood stained forehead.

You parted, created distance shyly, and tried to glare at Baji. But it was impossible.

“I like the way you fight. Give it your all, Keisuke. You have to do well on tomorrow’s test, s-so try not to hit your head too much.” You quickly lectured, softly punching his shoulder, before awkwardly backing away. Grossly aware of your surroundings now, having All eyes on you was not a good feeling.

“U-um, anyway..! I’ll be rooting for you, s-so don’t lose!”

Baji hated thinking about his future.

But god. Damn.

He did know one thing.

You would be the death of him.

513 notes · View notes

swordheld · 5 months

Note

hi! your blog is one of my favourites and i absolutely adore reading your thoughts. my grandfather recently passed away and it feels like i lost myself with him. how do i continue living after this? there is this constant weight on my chest and it feels like an emptiness has made a home inside of me. how do i go on when it feels like the world crashed on my shoulders?

hello, love! this is so very sweet and kind of you, and i hope you're treating yourself gently and kindly right now - there aren't words for a loss like this. that heaviness is difficult, and hard, and painful. it's okay if things don't feel okay, right now, or even soon - i think that's something that a lot of the people i know that have gone through similar grief feel: like they should be able to get back to a relative 'normal' in a [insert far too short period of time].

but it's okay if it hurts. that's where i'd like to start. you're allowed to feel that emptiness, that world-crashed feeling that goes beyond words, beyond time. don't feel like you have to rush this to feel some sort of better. things get easier with time, i promise you this, but sometimes painful feelings are important to feel, too. cry, scream, feel your emotions. they're a part of you. grieve.

it's perhaps a little silly, but when i think about death i always think about a couple of space songs: mainly drops of jupiter by train and saturn by sleeping at last. there are perhaps others that speak to the emotions better, but these two have always hit something a little deeper for me, and are popular for a wide-reaching reason.

and while personally i don't know much about grief like this, i do know a lot about love; and i think they're a lot of the same thing.

the people we love are a part of us, and this is why it takes from us so deeply when we lose them, because it does feel like we've lost a part of ourselves in the wake of it. but it's because they were so central to our experiences of living - our lives, that the separation introduces a hollowness - a place where they used to be. a home that now goes unlived in.

an emptiness, like you said.

but just because they're not here physically, doesn't mean he's not still there, in your heart, in your life, your memory. you can hold him close in smaller ways, as well: steal a sweater, or cologne/scent for something a little more physical and long lasting for remembering. hold onto the memories you cherish, the things that made you laugh, the ease of slow mornings and gentle nights. write them all down, slide a few photographs in there, go through it and add more when you miss him. keep them all close, keep them in your heart.

you're not alone, in this. he's still there, with you, it's just - in the little things.

he's with you in the way you see and go about your daily life, in doing what he liked to do, in the ways he interacted with the world that you shared with him. the memories you recall fondly when the night is late or the moment is right and something calls it into you like a melody, an old bell, laughter you'd recognize anywhere.

but i think, perhaps most importantly above all others - talk about him. with your family, your friends, his friends, strangers; stories are how we keep the people we love alive. the connections they've made, the legacies and experiences they've left behind, and so, so many stories.

how lucky, we are - to love so much it takes a piece of us when they go. grief is the other side of the coin, but it does not mean our love goes away. it lives in you. it lives in everyone who knew him, in the smallest pieces of our lives.

the people we love never really leave us, like this: they're in how we cook and the way we fold our newspapers, our laundry, in the radio stations we tune in to and the way we decorate our walls, our photo albums. they're in the way we store our mail, organize our closets, the scribbled notes in the indexes of our books. the meals we love and the drinks we mix, the way we spend time with one another. they've been passed down for generations, for longer than history - and we are all the luckier for it.

think about what you shared with him, and do it intentionally. bring him into your life, like this, again. whether it's crosswords or poetry or sports or anything else. if one doesn't help, try another. something might click.

i hope things feel a little easier for you, as they tend to do only with time. i hope you find joy in your grief, even if it is small and hard to grasp at first. know that your hurt stems from so much love that there isn't a place to put it properly, and that it is something so meaningful and hurting poets and storytellers have been struggling to put it into words and sounds that feel like the fit right for eons, and that it is also just simply yours. sometimes things don't have to make sense. sometimes they just are - unable to be put into words or neat little sentiments, as unfair and tragic as they come.

but i promise it will not feel like this forever. your love is real. and perhaps, on where to begin on from here - i think it's less on finding where to begin and just beginning. and you've already started. you've taken the most important and crucial step: the first one. wherever you go, after that, from here? you'll figure it out. you always have, and you always do. it'll come, as things always do. love leads us, as does light - and you're never alone in your hurt. in your grief, your missing something dear to you. i think if you talk about it with others, you'll find they have ways of helping you cope as well - and they have so much love of their own to spare, too.

as an aside, here is the song (northern star by dom fera) i was listening to when i wrote this, for no other reason more than it makes me think of connections, and love, and how we hold onto the people we love and how they change us, wonderfully and intrinsically. it's a little more joyous than the others i've mentioned, and plays like a story, and it made me think of what is at the core of this, love and stories and i am here with you, and maybe it'll bring you some joy, if you'd like it. wishing you all my love and ease 💛

#q&a.#birdsong.#wishing u gentle ease; the death of a loved one is near inexplicable to put into words and i hope you take care of yourself gently <3 #i hope this will make u laugh: when i was a tiny child in middle school there were times i would go outside in my tiny suburban cul de sac-#in the rain and sing along to my lil ipod nano and i only remember doing this to drops of jupiter. can you imagine going out to get the mai #after a long day of work and you just hear this kid singing train in the streets. in the RAIN.... it makes me laugh like i really.#i really thought i was so cool and deep and emotional ghjkd but i find it v funny that i only remember it w/ that one train track.#and saturn just. it's my fav s.a.l. song for a reason. that slow violin opening? the piano coming in gentle and easy?#it feels like light. like hope. like something new - a dawn after the long dark. that beautiful things can begin again even where #it hurts. and there is nothing more human than a sentiment like that.#how rare and beautiful it is to truly exist. what it is to be alive and get to be here and live with other people. with those we love.#i think your grandfather was so lucky to be able to know you. to have you in his life for the time you had together.#i'm no spiritual person; but i like to believe when you're thinking about him? he's thinking about you too.#the second law of thermodynamics (physics nerd mode) is that no energy has ever been created/destroyed since the beginning of the universe.#so it has to go somewhere - it's that carl sagan quote of 'we're all made of stardust'. because we are. we used to be stars; planets; etc.#i think it's why i think of these space songs - because they're a part of everything; once more; when they go. us and everything else.

98 notes · View notes