Liz can you not 🥺 I agree with everything you said in your rant hdksks. Moyo's comments and how the girls behaved with Robbe (I still don't get why Zoë wasn't present during the apology like she was a big part of that whole thing) definitely made him internalize it even more, so when we saw him in season 3 he was changed and lashed out on people he didn't want to (like the sander thing).
No because you’re about to send me on another rant here hold on skdjdkd
Like I watched s3 before I watched the rest of wtFOCK, which I think is what a lot of people also did tbh, so when that scene with Sander happened, everyoneeee was mad at Robbe. I wasn’t super active in the fandom at the time so kind of just kept my mouth shut but that scene was just so clear to me that Robbe had some serious fucking internalized homophobia. That didn’t make it okay or right, but that’s also why there was an apology scene and tbh I think it makes sense why Sander forgave him so fast (I mean aside from the cute lil explosion bc HELLO, I also would have melted so fast, no one can blame Sander for that)
And like if you look back at s1 and 2, it’s so fucking obvious why Robbe reacted that way. It was literally all he knew!!! He didn’t have any friends that were gay, and everytime the idea of him being gay was brought up, Moyo made fun of him and called him slurs, and Jens did nothing to defend him.
And while the girls weren’t necessarily making fun of him, the way they acted also had to have fucked him up. Like not just Jana immediately making the assumption he had to be straight and into her, and then his attempt at coming out being interrupted, but imagine how it must have made him feel to have Jana come up to him, try and kiss him, and then run away giggling to her friends. And then MILAN tried to kiss him!!! Like the poor thing was just having everyone do fucking “tests” on him and making fun of him, it’s no wonder he completely internalized the idea that what he felt was wrong and he needed to push it away at all costs.
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I was randomly thinking about how my name rubs me the wrong way, always has, always will. Like yes, i love how it's unique (met like two people who shared it with me at most but now that the namesake's dead.... well there's more), and I've always gotten complimented on it and how its pronounced and whatever.
But holy hell, could it be any more ragingly feminine.
I also remembered this weird conversation i had with this coworker (straight dude who was like 35 and always flirting with me, tbh i usually play along because it made him Very Helpful). Anyhoo, him and somebody else were talking about 90s music artists.
He was like "Ya know who was a really good singer? Aaliyah." The other coworker just agreed. Then i noticed him giving me this Look as i held this dumbfounded face trying to figure out why the fuck this had to do with me. It took me like a solid thirty seconds to just say "Ohh yeah, she was pretty good." and just walk the fuck away.
Just another small thing that made me internally start screeching about how i hate having this name.
Also how else was i supposed to react to that and the damn Look??
Thinking more and more about possible name changes, but i can't even name things, let alone myself. (Have yall seen my flight rising lair??? Half of the dragons are unnamed rn.)
Like the only other thing I've gone by was Taksony and that's online on a few sites and sometimes here. It's a medieval hungarian name (i should look up that monarch who had the name and make sure he wasn't problematic. He was a monarch so that might be hard) and i doubt the world is ready for me to bring it back. Plus the short form is Taks and that just sounds like tax. So. Yeah. Taxes. And a name from an OC from the ancient dA days. I just stole his name once i got comfy being called that on FR and lioden and whatever.
But yeah. Super feminine name from an old hip hop artist isn't exactly what I'm liking tbh. I've never liked it much and now I'm aware of why i don't so here we are.
I'm an adult who's very likely not cis, and renaming yourself is possible. So yeah. Here we are.
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I have such a hard time putting my research interests into words - strange for me, given how much I write and how wordy I am.
I see other students in my position that can rattle off very impressive niches they want to be working in within their field. Nice little one-liners that can wrap up their interests in a neat little bow. I want one of those.
I think part of my problem is that in my field, you just can’t be quite so specific? I was questioned for having possibly too narrow of interests because I want to study Southeast Asian fishes - a broad, speciose region comprised of many countries and habitat types. And I recognize that part of that is because people are moving more and more away from studying fishes by region or even group and often more into techniques. But my research interests aren’t motivated by the techniques I’ll be using, otherwise I’d be a more general biologist and not an ichthyologist specifically. I’m in it for the fish. Their physiology and behavior are what draw me, and wow is that broad.
The closest I’ve gotten to explaining my interest is focusing on adaptations in response to environmental conditions, particularly in the case of extremophiles? (Wow do I want to get lost in studying acidophiles in peat swamps - some quick, not at all thorough literature searches suggest we still don’t really understand how they manage to live in those conditions??? Beyond the levels of acidity where most species would cease reproduction and die.)
But that’s pretty much me going “idk fish evolution is neat,” with a dash of “I really like those little guys that should be dead but are still making it happen somehow.”
It feels incredibly broad compared to my peers, who are pinning down super specific physiological mechanisms to study, and similar topics.
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