#whatsapp status attitude | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

talesofesther · 1 year

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I won't lie. I came here for advice, too. I don't really have no one to talk about this and I am swallowing my own feelings because that's the only thing I seem to know how to do. But I also would like to ask how are you doing.

Is everything okay? are you having a good day, week? how is your writing going? any piece that you're working in, that's got your mind busy these days? what did you eat, how was it? I do not precisely know if you assist collegue or school if that is you do at all, but I simply want to know how you're doing, if it's going well, if you're healthy and feeling good, aside from shoving all my feelings here in your face like if you're my therapist when it is only by kindness and empathy that you do listen and read. (Which is, might I add, tremendously sweet and kind from you. Has anyone ever told you that? because if not, allow me to tell you that you have the largest, gentlest heart, dear author.)

I.. genuinely think this might take a while, so excuse me for rambling if I do. Another thing that seems terribly bothersome for those who surround me. At the start of the year, I had this friend. Sweet. Soft. Someone who I thought cared for me. And the first person I.. talked to about how filthy I felt thanks to some.. sexual abuse experiences. I never.. really did talk about that. I just, I don't know. I buried it inside even if I still have nightmares and I can't take anyone's touch all of a sudden. Because that's what I do, bury feelings, push people away. And he made me feel safe enough to talk about it. How it made me feel filthy. How it make me felt so, so guilty because I genuinely thought - and sometimes I still do - it was my fault. And this friend is someone who doesn't live near me. He had this.. boyfriend, who again and again hurt him. Who had such manipulative, toxic attitudes with him. They ended up breaking up. But I was the one who he called whenever he had a anxiety attacks, needed to vent, cry, or simply words of reassurance. Because I adored him and I would always tell him that he, he was my priority, no matter what I would be doing or where I am. That he can always call, and I will always answer. He knew that.

He cried for weeks and my heart shattered in so many ways because no matter if I was there, if I talked to him or not, I didn't seem to help. And I understood that. The only thing is being there for him, for anything he needs. We were in a call - he's got this habit of calling me everyday, at least one time, and we would talk for hours in our free time, even playing video games, doing things. Generally, it was at the first half of the call that he would vent. And then I would distract him however the best I can. We were playing some kind of.. roblox game, I think. He likes that game. And his boyfriend (ex boyfriend, might I remark) texted me. He saw we were together through a whatsapp status, and told me that they already had plans together, as if expecting me to be sorry for it, to tell him "ah yes, excuse me, please let me stop having time with my friend so you can do like if he is your property, like if he clearly hadn't chose to spend time with me over you should what you say be true." And I told him "no, you didn't." He got nervous. He started lying about my friend. Saying things. Victimizing himself. And there is no way I do not defend my friend, so I did. I took so many screenshots of that and I sent my friend them, because I just knew he might be so manipulative that he would try to lie to him "to get him on his side." And he did. Guess I was right, wasn't I? He tried to send individual texts of me to him in different orders and cut in specific places so it seemed like I was the bad guy.

You wanna know what my friend said to all this?

Calm down.

That's the fucking thing he says. "Calm down, Mila." like if I am not being nothing other than respectful with the guy. Because that is who I am. Too fucking respectful for my own good, because this idiot keeps talking shit about my friend like if I didn't know him, like if I didn't trust him with all my heart and it makes me mad. So yes, I point out his lies. Reject him. And yet I am respectful, respectful and kind. And my friend happens, that same day, to be busy. Busy.. ha. With a call with this same kid, this kid who doesn't value him and clearly doesn't love him either, because the only thing I see when they interact, when my friends sends me screenshots of their chats or the things he says to him, is posession. Not love. Not even slight affection. Posession. The desire to posess something, to be the toxic little shit he is. You know what he did? he acused my friend of having an affair with me. He called him liar, whore, bitch. Based on what, you want to know? a message from someone he and my friend knew, who saw a whatsapp status where we were playing fucking genshin impact. And he told him that "he should be worried given how much time we spend together." and do you know what hurts me the most? that it ain't the first time. And that my friend responded him that, if it made him feel safer or better, he would cut contact with me. Just to please him.

They're back. My friend, who seemingly had so much time for me, is always busy with him. They're back, and the only way I knew it was because I saw it through a whatsapp status. A whatsapp status, pal. And do you know what? even though his boyfriend treated me like shit when we talked because his fragile ego can't take the fact that I can see through all his lies, I remained respectful. Even a little kind. More than he deserves. And I did it because of my friend, because I know he adores him. And I, myself, told him. "No matter what you do, I'll support you. If you decide to forgive, I'll support you. If you decide to come back with him, I'll support you, even if it pains me the slightest idea of seeing you hurt again." I assured him, and he knew it was truth. He doesn't even answer my texts. Feels like now, we are nothing but strangers and I feel so, so betrayed. And this is going on for months now but I feel so bad because I still miss him. My bestfriend. She doesn't live near me, sadly. She invited me to a small little group, because she is busy with her studies and doesn't use that much her phone, and generally, she has so much messages that she just goes to this group and some other chats in whatsapp. She told me "the girls wanted me to ask you if you would like to join." friends that we share. Excepting that one of the girls is a kid who fucking called us all crying after telling us that she was basically pushed to have sex by someone in something like a one night stand and she didn't use protection. And she is in another country and I can't do anything. And we tell her to try to get a emergency pill, but she says she doesn't have money. And she is afraid she might be pregnant. And do you know what? she told that to another friend too, in the same call. And I was at the edge, so she was the one to say "please tell me this isn't some fucking joke, bella, because if it is, I'm gonna lose my shit." surprise! it fucking was!

And another of the girls in this group? the other girl was the first one I ever talked genuinely, honestly about my feelings. Who I opened to with all honestly as she did the same. I loved her and fuck it, I still do, because we had the best friendship I could ever ask for and I would still give so much to just get a flash from her smile. And from one day to another, she started ghosting me when I saw her every day active through whatsapp statuses and I still don't know what happened. I texted her for months and I never got an explanation. It's been a year now, and she hadn't talked to me. And she, it appears, is one of the ones who asked my best friend to tell me to join this thing. And I say no. I say no, because yes, I am still hurt, and even if I can face the kiddo because yes, after all, she is a kid. I am still mad as hell and I'm not gonna overlook all those stupid pranks because I was truly worried. But she is a kid. And kids tend to do stupid things. So I am to give a chance to talk to her. But to this other girl? no. No, there is no way that after not knowing what was going on for her for over a year I talk with her like if nothing. And there is no way I ignore her and make the rest of my friends uncomfortable because of my clear conflict with her. And I explained it to my bestfriend.

Do you know when was the last time she talked to me? almost two months ago if not two already. Seems she is even more busy and she doesn't answer the phone, even though I can see she is there. And the distance, the distance is killing me, because with most of them I can't simply go to their houses and ask them what the hell is going on. But I feel so, so bad. Because they haven't gave me a reason, even if it end ups being my fault, I want to know, specially if it is. I want to work it out. I want to be a better friend if I am being a bad one. I want to be there.

Do you know what is the worst thing? there was other girl in this group who I talked to about it, asking her just a few weeks ago how the girl that ghosted me was, if she's okay, if she's healthy. And she told me she just got a text from her. And when I explain this, she tells me that this all, this is weird as fuck. But that I should be mad, because I am in my right to be hurt. (she's also the one who was victim to this stupid prank that the kiddo set up. A really good pal. I adore her, we've known each other for over 5 years now.) That she won't tell a soul but she gets it.

And now.. there's one that stayed. Only one that is as important that I trusted left. And these days, I just realised I.. might feel something for them. And I talked with someone who is a friend too, for some advice. Because this is just all in my mind and my friend has been somewhat.. flirty these days. I tell her some of the things they've been saying to mee. And she says that they must be totally into me. Then, I explain the situation, y'know? tell her who that person is. That they are like the closest person to me. That I can't talk about this with them, because they run away every time something like this pops up when it happens with other people. Even friends. And I don't wanna scare them off.

And she tells me "sweetheart, you have to value yourself a little. You deserve to be listened and at least a proper answer. If you have to tell them and talk, you will, and at least in respect to you, they should listen. Everything okay with their anxiety and all, but you deserve to be listened, okay? you're a great friend, and I know it is great to give and give and give, and it is such a pure way to be, but one thing is give, and another completely different is receive." and I thank her and start thinking.

These days, all I think is about what she said. Everytime I talk to them. I decided not to tell them, because I, sadly, know they would run anyways. And I genuinely adore them. And as said, this is just probably a fleeting attraction. I was right about the second part, because I can't help but notice now how most of the things I do for them, they don't reciprocate. And it is alright, okay? I don't, I never expected it to be like that. But I am thinking "should I?" because I.. they never ask how I am doing. I always do. And I love to be a listener, I love to hear them ramble about their day and whatever bothers them or has brigthened their day. Whatever catches their attention will always catch mine. And I just.. tried it. I tried to tell them something about me for once, see if they answer, because they usually.. let that kind of things linger in the air, they barely answer with a "jeez." and keep rambling about their stuff. And I can't help but feel that.. that they're not as invested in this as I am. I always try to be there, to spoil them and buy them things that they might like, to find games or activities we can play together that they might find entertaining. And as I watch one piece or their favorite shows with them and all the things they like, they dont do the same with me. Usually, when I want to watch something I like, they are.. genuinely bored. They tell me to put that off and change it, or simply stop it. Or when we play things, they just.. it's always what they like, never what I do. And to some point that's okay. I don't expect them to like what I like. But then again, they.. don't seem to like nothing I do at all. And as said, yesterday, in our daily call, I tried talking about me for once, casually "I'm getting driving classes. I'm getting a driver's liscense, bud." and they.. simply ignored it. And then I said "got a 100 in my test." and I know it's stupid, but they ignored it. I had to ask three times if they could hear me because I felt so, so ignored and conscious about all these things.

You know, sometimes, they.. just ignore it when I open to them. And at first I thought "they're just uncomfy with feelings." but then I, ah, I tried this and they ignored me and I.. Fuck, I feel like they don't care, but then again, a few weeks ago I told them about some things that happened to me, cause as said, we usually talk more about them. I am not much of a.. person to share, I guess. And they say.. "If I could be there with you. I would. If I could console you all you need, I would, you know that, little one. But I can't do that and that's just the way it is. I am sorry." and I just.. I don't know if I am just.. maybe I am the problem, you know? it can't be a coincidence. First one friend, then two, then three. But then again, all I can think of is what this girl said. How I deserve to receive, too, and be respected and I just.. I just feel at the edge of a panic attack every single time I think of this. And I don't know how to deal with it, what to do. I don't know how anything anymore and I feel so lost because those who I trust are just leaving me one after another and I feel desperate and alone, and I've always being kind of lonely, but I never felt so, so alone. I just.. I feel like I give so much and I am so invested and that is the real problem, the reason behind why all my friendships are.. falling. I wish I could do more and I don't know what I am doing so so wrong. I just need, I don't know, just friend to actually return my feeling. And then again, everytime someone new approaches and worries genuinely about me I keep pushing them away. And I never did these with my friends, or with.. those who used to be. But I feel so.. Like I can't even trust my own friends to stay even if I do. I feel like I am not enough, and I feel empty and like I'll never be enough for anyone in my life no matter how hard I try, no matter if I am there or not. I am so, so tired. Every fucking day I get home just at 12 pm to make dinner for my mom and even so I just make time for this friend to call them. To talk. To listen to them rambling about everything and anything and I feel like no matter how much I value them they will never return the feeling.

This was.. much longer than intended. It's kind of stupid, I guess. I wish I could erase it from my mind or bury it and ignore it all but I can't. It just, idk. You don't have to answer, pal. To be honest, there is not even a need for you to read. I hope you're okay, love your works and your way with words. Have a good night.

Hello my sweetheart.

Thank you so much for your sweet words, I'm doing alright, my day has been fine and my writing is doing well too, I have a few pieces on my mind that I plan to start working on soon. And yes, I do try to at least help and be present for anyone who needs someone to talk to, it's the least I can do because I know what it feels like to have no one to talk to.

Now firstly, I don't think I was able to properly understand your whole story, I had a bit of difficulty differencing all your friends... But I don't think that matters at all, because just by writing all of this to me, you already must have lifted a huge weight out of your chest right?

And I'm so, so happy that you felt safe to share your story here. And I want to say that nothing that happened or is happening to you is your fault, okay? Do you understand me? None of this is your fault.

These people have been so unfair with you, and you deserve someone who cares as deeply for you as you do for them. So please, never settle for less.

I understand about keeping all of your feelings to yourself because sometimes I do that too, but it's not healthy, it will only weight down on you and over time it'll become unbearable. I'm not saying that you should go out talking with people if you're not comfortable doing it. But maybe write a few of your feelings down, wether in a diary or on the notes of your phone; you can even use my inbox for that, I won't mind at all, write as much as you want and just tell me to delete it later and I will. No questions asked. But know that I'm here if you ever need anything, you're not alone I promise you.

And whenever you feel like you're too much for someone, whenever you think you're caring too much, being too present, being too much of a friend if that's even possible; just know that you're not too much okay? Caring about people and being selfless is not a flaw, it's a gift. And if anyone makes you feel like your caring is too much, it just means that that person doesn't deserve what you have to give.

#ask

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