#when i got diagnosed my doctor kept talking about aspergers and it made me really uncomfortable

[elizawright]

My experience with Aspergers

OCD and Anorexia 2/2:

Right now the painful part, this is probably the most difficult to talk about because it’s still so fresh and still very much active in my daily life. My Anorexia story I would say officially began around December 2018 however as I’ve mentioned before I’ve always struggled with eating. It started as just being a very fussy kid, in my early teen years I used to obsessive compulsively diet extremely strictly for periods of time. I think this in itself could be considered Anorexia or at least I was at the very edge of being. A year later I would completely 180, over eat and put on a lot of weight. A year later from that I would once again strictly diet this time making myself throw up if i “over ate” in my mind or ate something “bad”. I distinctly remember being 14 on holiday in Florida. My family kept encouraging me to eat fruit loops for breakfast (I would only eat bran flakes) and of course I desperately wanted to but it was very scary to me. So I did eat them one day and being 14 and uneducated on food I had a panic. Though I was panicking I didn’t ever tell anyone Insted I hid away, found a toilet and forced myself to throw up. Now this is years before I was officially diagnosed with an eating disorder but to me, this doesn’t seem healthy. Looking back I feel quite sorry for little me feeling I had to hide away and be sneaky, I wish I had told my mum how I was feeling, but I didn’t. Anyway, back to my official timeline. So 2018 was the year I did my gcses, it was a different year, I was so focused on my studies I began to over eat as a coping mechanism, this caused me to put on quite a bit of weight. Now I was never really fat but i was overweight, I would guess 13 stone (to put in comparison, when diagnosed with anorexia 6 months later I was 7 stone something, that’s a loss of 5 stone). In November that year I got my lovely boyfriend. When we first started dating I felt quite ashamed that I weighed more than him. Of course he didn’t care, I don’t think he even ever thought of it, he just liked me for me, but the intrusive thoughts which are oh so common to me told me otherwise. I began to notice in the morning my belly looked it’s flattest which I figured was because I hadn’t put any food in my stomach making it bloat so I began not eating in the mornings. If I was going to see my boyfriend who obviously as a young teen at the start of a relationship I wanted to impress I wouldn’t eat. I wouldn’t eat while I was around him then as soon as I got home I would eat as normal. This is where it all began. My boyfriend used to recall to my mom “she never eats breakfast and never eats at my house! I try and feed her but she just won’t eat.”

So like I said life carried on like this for a few months, I didn’t loose a massive amount of weight, maybe half a stone, but things changed drastically after a holiday to Egypt. On the first day I was struggling and obsessing over my appearance as usual, obsessing over every roll I could see. Looking back now I looked great! I had big boobs and hips, but at the time I didn’t see any of that all I saw was fat. Well the next day after this I caught a really bad case of the flu. I was bed ridden for the entire rest of the week barely well enough to get home. As we were in Egypt we had no way of getting any medication at all not even paracetamol so I was completely wiped out, it was the worst illness I’ve ever faced were literally everything that could happen, happened. Now because of this I didn’t eat for the entire week.

Once I arrived home and I began the process of analysis of my body as per usual I noticed I had lost weight. I put two and two together realising a week of not eating made me really quickly drop a ton of weight. The cogs began turning and I told myself the short amount of pain (being the hunger) my future self would thank me for. So I began restricting. Using the bike analogy it began at a quick pace but slowly got faster and faster. Soon I was eating no more than 400 calories a day, anymore than that and I would get depressed and anxious and stressed (for comparison the average women needs 2000 calories a day just to maintain weight) I was terrified of nearly all foods. Butter, bread, literally everything I can think of. I weighed out everything out to the T never eating a full packet of something. Which if I’m honest, I still do weigh everything, I also still count calories obsessively. This is what I mean by I’m not fully recovered I’m a lot better, but still suffering and fighting.

Now at this point my mental and physical health began to really suffer. I was normally really good at school getting outstanding grades in gcses but now with a levels I wasn’t able to get work completed or done, I couldn’t concentrate, I would fall asleep in class because I was tierd constantly, I wasn’t my normal talkative enthusiastic self because I was so drained of all energy I’m honestly so shocked my teachers didn’t make more of an effort to help me. I remember one time a teacher telling me I looked very ill and pale so forced me to eat a banana they had brought for their own lunch which was a struggle for me to do. Luckily for me a teacher i still dont know reported to the head of sixthform about being worried for me. They had been gone 3 months and within coming back had noticed the drastic change in weight I had had. It goes to show how much weight I lost as I was always wearing baggy clothes to hide it and she still noticed. Now that I’m mentioning it all my clothes were massively oversized because I no longer fit my entire wardrobe. I would try and wear stuff like leggings as they made me feel comfortable and happy in myself but my head of sixthform would shout at me and force me to change. I recall a few teachers and students coming to me asking if I was alright as they had noticed my rapid weight loss, I told them it was just stress. I was completely in denial I had tricked myself into thinking it was normal, I have no idea how I even lasted as long as I did at sixthform like this. So as the story goes I got taken into the teds team which is a recovery center for children with eating disorders

I was extremely reluctant to go, I was stand off ish and rude to the doctors and my family which is something that is not in my nature at all. Looking back all they wanted to do was help me but at the time I thought everyone was against me were trying to trick me into being fat. This was clearly the anorexia talking and not me, it was completely in control. While there I was freezing cold so they had to turn the fan off. I was honest as I could be and told them most of what I previously told you but it still didn’t actually sound like a concern to me. I down played it as much as a could because I didn’t want anyone’s help. I can still remember that horrible feeling of being so stubborn and refusing to even acknowledge what the people around me were saying I was so caught up in the anorexic trap. Now about a year ago from this I had been previously weighed as I had started a new version of medication, like I said I weighed in at around 85kg, 13 stone. I got weighed again on this day and was in the 7 stones, I had lost nearly 6 stone in 3 months. That’s crazy looking back at. I was told if I didn’t turn myself around soon my periods would stop and I would have to go into hospital to be force fed. They warned me as I was in the hight of my teenage development i was right at the edge of doing permanent growth, brain and fertility damage. I love children and can’t wait to be a mother someday and I really highly value my intelligence so this was the kick up the bum I needed to start my recovery. I came back a week later to create an eating plan and in that time I had dropped another couple of pounds in just a week. I was very stubborn during the hour we spent making an eating plan, we pretty much fought back and forth me and the doctor disagreeing on everything, the eating disorder had complete control over my mind and I was pretty much in auto pilot. Eventually we came to an agreement which I still was very reluctant to follow, but I had worked out the calorie intake and it felt at level that was “safe” for me. I was also just happy to not have to worry about making food anymore as my mum was now in charge or making everything I eat. Before this I was eating on average a banana, half a packet of cuscus and a plain piece of brown bread without butter and a spoon full of baked beans with no sauce. On top of this I drank an unhealthy amount of coffee, so much I became addicted, to help me loose weight, keep me full and give me the energy I didn’t have.

I remember so vividly the first day I followed this new eating routine my stomach had shrunk so small I was physically in pain by the end of the day. I was to eat 2 spoons of yogurt in the morning, an egg sandwich at lunch on brown bread, an apple, half a dinner and one weatabix at night. By the weatabix I was in physical pain from being so full. But I pushed through it. A week later I had still lost weight but not as much as the normal rate went. This is when I was told I had to add in extra and I reacted terribly. I flat out refused to follow it anymore and said I was quitting the program. For a few months I refused to follow the new program sticking to the old one I felt safe with and still lost weight with. With things like anorexia it’s something I feel can never be solved by anyone else it’s something you have to do yourself. I think I improved just overtime by chatting with the teds team and the dietitian and educating myself. This next part of my journey is kind of difficult to talk about as I don’t remember it much, I was so tired and drained it’s all kind of disappeared from my memory. Eventually through education I began to slowly add things to my eating plan. I added crisps (but only under the condition they were healthy ones under 100 calories) changed the yogurt to 2 weatabix as it was easier to measure and less of a “scary food” to me.

So yeah, since this is just a short (at least as short as I can make it) synopsis of my journey I’m just going to skip to now. Some day maybe I’ll talk about the one and a half year gap there is between then and now but that would take too long for the moment. Now I am still suffering with eating. I’ve put on a bit of weight but I’m still classed as underweight. I still follow a very strict daily routine with what I eat, I still weigh things out, I still calorie count, I still analyse my body but I am a hell of a lot better than a year ago. I still struggle when it comes to eating “fatning” of “sugary” foods but on occasion I do eat them. I try and eat something every day like a breakfast bar or granola bar. Although I am a lot better now, I’m mostly tortured by the anorexic intrusive thoughts.

I struggle oddly with extreme hunger! Something I hadn’t felt at all while I was in critical condition. I did some research and I found out this happens to most recovering anorexics and their body is literally starving and desperate for food. I have been left with loose skin which makes me extremely embarrassed and unhappy, I hope someday to get rid of it as it’s a big factor of my destress. I hope this story can help educate people without eating disorders and give you an incite into our minds. Someday I will go into more detail.

[melonlord-ramblings]

Watching You by Lisa Jewell Review & Ramblings

Picture source: goodreads

Title: Watching You

Author: Lisa Jewell

Summary: 

“Melville Heights is one of the nicest neighbourhoods in Bristol, England; home to doctors and lawyers and old-money academics. It’s not the sort of place where people are brutally murdered in their own kitchens. But it is the sort of place where everyone has a secret. And everyone is watching you. As the headmaster credited with turning around the local school, Tom Fitzwilliam is beloved by one and all—including Joey Mullen, his new neighbor, who quickly develops an intense infatuation with this thoroughly charming yet unavailable man. Joey thinks her crush is a secret, but Tom’s teenaged son Freddie—a prodigy with aspirations of becoming a spy for MI5—excels in observing people and has witnessed Joey behaving strangely around his father. One of Tom’s students, Jenna Tripp, also lives on the same street, and she’s not convinced her teacher is as squeaky clean as he seems. For one thing, he has taken a particular liking to her best friend and fellow classmate, and Jenna’s mother—whose mental health has admittedly been deteriorating in recent years—is convinced that Mr. Fitzwilliam is stalking her. Meanwhile, twenty years earlier, a schoolgirl writes in her diary, charting her doomed obsession with a handsome young English teacher named Mr. Fitzwilliam…”

Trigger Warnings: Mentions of grooming and ephebophilia, stalking (will be explained later), infidelity, explicit sexual content, murder, explicit murder details, domestic violence, unhealthy relationships, undiagnosed disorder (I don’t know if this is considered one or not, just putting it just in case), mentions of suicide, bullying.

Rating: 3.5/5

Review

Hey everyone, smolmenace here! Today’s review & ramblings will be on Watching You by Lisa Jewell. I liked this book! It had a good mystery and build up to it, and it was a quick read, so I finished it in less than a day, which I do appreciate. It was a little hard to get fully into the flow of the book because there were just so many characters that I kept losing track and forgetting who’s who and what they do and everything. I did like how Lisa Jewell kept not only the identity of the murderer a secret but also the victim, I mean, it was easy to deduct who, but it was still a new touch! 

I also both liked and disliked the plot twist! I’ll explain it in my ramblings because it is spoilers, but the murderer is someone who I never expected! In hindsight, maybe, but there were so many hints and allusions to other people and other reasons that it was quite shocking! 

This book does have a lot of things to think about and it was a ride to try and figure out who the victim was, and who was the murderer.

I will say, this book can be boring for some people. I had read emmabooks’ review on goodreads and I can see where she’s coming from. This book might be boring and slow because the chapters tend to be the character’s thoughts and whatnot, and not most of them contributes to the actual development of the plot. A majority of the chapters were like character studies? I don’t really know how to describe it, but it was more to learn about the characters rather than see how the plot and murder develops.

All in all, I do recommend this book to anyone who wants to read a quick, but still good, murder mystery!

Warning!

In my ramblings, I will be talking about one of the characters who is later diagnosed near the end of the book with Asperger’s. I wasn’t really educated nor with knowledge over what Asperger’s is and whatnot before reading the book, and even after reading about Asperger’s, I was still on the fence about the character. So, if anything I say about this character (and even other topics!) sounds offensive or uneducated, please do let me know!! Also, my ramblings will be full of spoilers, which dips its toes into the trigger warnings, so please stop reading if any of those are triggering!

Ramblings

Oh man oh man! Let me talk about and explain why I was disappointed by the plot twist. So the whole time, the story really emphasizes the importance of Tom. Who, throughout the story, is heavily thought and implied to be an ephebophile. For those who may not know, an ephebophile is an adult who is sexually attracted to teenagers. So, at this point, I like, really wanna know - is Tom an ephebophile? Everyone in this story (the main character cast) is super sketch and they all have some secret. But, as the story is heavily around Tom - which was actually fun because his was the one POV that the book did not do, so it was everyone obsessed with Tom in some way. Anyways, so yeah, I’m like, super invested in finding out about Tom.

Let me get back to explaining why I found the plot twist a little disappointing. Turns out, that the murderer was one of the MC’s sister-in-law, Rebecca.This was the plot twist because she was such a background character that you really don’t see it coming. However, if one was really good at mysteries or something, they probably could have figured it out. Rebecca’s sister is the one who is talking in her journal about becoming obsessed with Tom in the summary, and she had committed suicide because of extreme bullying from, who - and this gets crazier, is Tom’s wife!! Σ(･口･). Mind-blown. NOT ONLY THAT, but it’s implied that Viva (Rebecca’s sister) didn’t even commit suicide, and that Nicola had murdered her!!! WHAAAT?? ∑(ΦдΦlll) This is implied in the epilogue, where their son finds an envelope that has a lock of dark brown hair - she cut off a lock of hair and kept it as a trophy all these years. And this is a really good twist, don’t get me wrong - writing this now and thinking about it, I’m like, oh dang, oh dang, OH DANG. BUT the thing is, the whole book got me invested in knowing about TOM, and that’s not what I really got in the end. More like, I’m feeling this “oh dang” now having given it some thought, but in the moment of reading, I was wanting to know about Tom.

Lemme also say this, Nicola and Tom’s relationship was real weird. Nicola was 14 years old when she thought to herself that she will marry Tom, and then it happened! When Nicola was 19, she met Tom, who was 35? and according to Tom, she was pregnant and they got married. At this point, Nicola kinda goes downhill. She starts becoming extremely possessive and easily jealous and at one point their relationship becomes sado-masochistic and that leads Tom to cheat on her with Joey who is also married（○□○), yeah it gets real complicated.

Anyways, let’s get into the character that the warning section was for. So this character, Freddie, is the son of Tom and Nicola (the one who bullied Rebecca’s sister). The summary describes him as a genius aspiring to become a M15 and is amazing at observing people. I did not get the genius during the story. I also thought that the amazing at observing people meant he was just really good at body language and whatnot. What I did not expect was him to be keeping photos and video footage of not the entire neighborhood, but a specific set of girls his age, and one of the MC’s, Joey. Like, for real, this ain’t selling me on genius aspiring to be M15. All I’m getting is stalker and creepy vibes. Because that’s not where it stops. He physically follows some of these girls around. 

During the story, he gets so obsessed over his crush that he redirects all this creepiness towards her - so he’s got a single folder dedicated to pictures and videos to this girl. Not only that, at one point, he does something super gross and I don’t know if that’s natural, but it’s just the buildup of everything just made it super gross to read. This escalates to the point where he follows her from her school to her house and stays there to “observe” her. He also finds and buys whatever piece of clothing she was looking at on her way home and leaves it off for her at her house!!! Like???

And then I got confused because the author then reveals that he has Asperger’s and it kinda came off as an explanation for his behavior? And I was like, I don’t think that’s how it works? So yeah, that’s what I was thinking about Freddie.

Back to Tom, is he an ephebophile? I think yes! There is a point where the line gets blurred too much to imply anything else. There’s also a lot to say about Joey, but I think this post is already getting too long lol.

Anyways, for those who have read it, what do you think? Do you think Tom is an ephebophile? What did you think during and after reading the book? Thanks for reading and honestly, kudos for having read all of this! (ﾉ≧∀≦)ﾉ

#Watching You #Lisa Jewell #book #book review #melonlord-ramblings #murder #mystery #murder mystery #crime #crime mystery #bookblr #watching you book review #read #book recommendation #book recommendations #what about tom?? #i need to know #implied ending #shook #mind blown #not what i wanted but still really good #dang #heavy topics #but for real #what about freaking tom???

[ladyofpurple]

here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.

so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.

anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.

anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.

i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.

in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.

by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?

anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.

end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.

end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.

it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.

that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.

it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.

i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao

anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.

it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.

a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.

anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.

in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.

anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.

a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.

so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.

i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.

#the tmi nobody asked for and will probably never read — you're welcome #Lady of Purple's slice of life #mental illness #medication #adhd #autism #personal

[autizta]

no need to answer if its too personal or anything but how did you go about getting an autism diagnosis? what made you go get one?

Hey sorry for the delay I always forget to answer these when I get home, I’m here now! And I’m telling you a story!

So this begins back in uhh 2017 I think??? I can’t tell, maybe a bit before yeah around the end of 2016 I was starting to heal from being depressed started seeing some doctors to try and solve my problems, I was even moving schools and stuff!! I wanted to change my life for better and I was doing the best I could! 

Okay so one of the psychiatrists I go to mentions that I seem “asperger”, because I kept stimming and not sitting still and saying random things (I was nervous!) and my mother thought that was absurd but he told us to visit a professional and get an assignment anyways, and well I thought that was a good idea! At that time I suspected I could have BPD but I was aware of how the symptoms can be similar with ASD, but so far I had done no research on that in particular (and I did a Lot of research back then) so I started doing that!

Here’s a little context, I was doing research because for 1 when I was very depressed consuming content of other depressed LGBT kids helped reassure me and stuff, and well this led me to learning more about myself and my mental health and I realized I maybe should be diagnosed for something and get some meds to get better you know? Not just because I was depressed but also because well, I don’t exactly fit in! And I thought that maybe figuring out why would be good! And ALSO because of that and thanks to the lovely depressed LGBT kid I met in school that year (miss you girl) I got to talk about that more and think about it more and I also learned about Vent! A great social media dedicated to opening up about your feelings! Definitely recommend it it’s very nice there and the autistic community is wonderful there!

Ok so back to where I was, researching about the possibility of being autistic, I realized that out of all possible disorders and problems I thought I could have, ASD was the one I related to the most and the one that said something about me the most! I started talking to autistic people and I learned so much about myself and I’m STILL learning to this day! So when 2017 came around I created the blog @stimmypaw (it’s been remade since then so it seems like it was made last year) and started talking about being autistic more openly, started following blogs about being autistic started interacting with the community and it was just sooo healthy for me and a wonderful journey, I met a lot of lovely autistic and mentally ill people thanks to that blog and although they might not know me I am very thankful to them

As you can see so far I was just being secretly self-diagnosed online, except for like this one ADHD guy in class who guessed I was autistic from my behavior and how I got sad when people mocked autistic people. And how was my professional diagnosis going??? Bad! That assignment didn’t go well, the old lady made a bunch of tests with my intellect and well turns out I was above average but in her opinion not enough for me to be autistic??? As if that’s any good way of figuring that out but okay, she didn’t do anything else to find out if I was autistic she actually gave My Parents questionaires asking them about ADHD symptoms (and according to that that was my case but she didn’t want my answers) and weather I could do things on my own, by the end of the day she was Sure that my Real Problem was that I didn’t wear a bra, really helpful! Yeah so half a year goes by I think, my current psychiatrist wants me to make all sorts of body exams before I go see if my body was fine and well turned out I had some big hormone problems (which caused my emotional instability aka what I thought was BPD for a while, I’m being treated and I’m much better!) and well you could explain half of my issues with just those but not All of them you know? But mother and the doc want to pretend it does and leave forever, I have to put my foot down (and have a Small breakdown) and demand that I get properly tested for ASD again, this was seriously hard for me because I knew no one wanted to believe I had any problems and it’s hard to take a teenager seriously on that, I wanted to make 100% sure that no one thought I wanted a diagnosis, it was just really hard not to straight up say that though and the whole situation was tough for me.But on 2018, I got evaluated! The ladies were very nice and I actually had a lot of fun, I was officially Autistic and Depressed on April 17th! I started taking meds to help me sleep (that are also anti-depressants and anti-psychotics) and I’ve healed a lot since then, seeing how far I’ve come really just makes me so so happy, I’m really glad I got diagnosed it helped me a lot (although I still have a bunch of issues and have to deal with a lot of ableism sometimes) and I want to keep on improving as a person and learning how to take care of myself!Sorry for writing so much, it’s a long story and well I got carried ahhaha, hope you don’t mind! Have a nice day xoxoxo

#actuallyautistic #autism acceptance month #i guess it's relevant and stuff! #Anonymous

[sally-mun]

I’ve wondered if I have Asperger’s for years, pretty much ever since I learned what it was. Even when I was little I knew there was some weird, intangible thing that divided me from my peers, and I could never figure out what that thing was. Even though on one hand I generally have a strong ability to see things from other points of view, at the same time I just simply do not understand SO many social things and I end up extremely confused and ultimately back away and keep to myself instead.

For the most part I sort of considered myself Asperger’s-like, but always ultimately telling myself I probably don’t because I didn’t seem to share enough of the characteristics, and now that it’s not even technically considered a separate diagnosis I figured I was even less likely to ever end up with that label. Yes, I’m very sensitive to certain stimulation, and yes, I tend to get REALLY zealously into the things I like, and yes, I do tend to get more excited over new objects than I do over new people, buuuut at the same time I also didn’t get hyper-fixated on numbers, and I rarely have difficulty understanding abstract ideas, and I’m reasonably good at detecting and using different mannerisms and tones of voice to communicate. I just figured maybe I’ve got a lot of things in common? But not enough to actually have the condition? Maybe? It’s always been kind of a weird question mark in the back of my head.

The reason I’m going into all this is that I keep getting blindsided at work lately with things that I’m apparently messing up without any idea that I AM messing up, and both my infractions and my instructions for rectifying them both seem incredibly vague to me. All I can seem to hear is, “You’re doing poorly at this. Do better from here on out.” And it’s not just task-oriented stuff, it also has to do with how I’m handling co-workers. I had absolutely no idea of any of this, and furthermore I felt like so many of the complaints weren’t fair because I thought I was doing things I was INSTRUCTED to do, but, apparently I didn’t understand it correctly?? And it turns out that I’ve offended lots of people at work and had utterly no idea of this because no one ever tells me or wants to talk it out and instead are just telling my bosses until I get written up??

Anyway, the point is that I’m floundering badly at work right now, and I feel so lost trying to get my footing and I feel like the harder I try to fix this the more I’m blowing it, to the point that I’m pretty sure I’m very close to getting demoted or fired. This has not only made me start thinking of the Asperger’s thing again, but it’s making me think about it much harder than I had before because my problems don’t seem so small in this situation, and I’ve been wondering if I should maybe see someone to see if maybe I WOULD have that diagnosis. But I kept circling back on the fact that I only seemed to have like a 50/50 frequency of behavioral similarities, so I told myself to at least research it a bit before actually looking up doctors. For the most part I was really disheartened and back to feeling like this isn’t the case and there just IS something wrong with me that I can never seem to figure out, but right as I was about to give up I saw a suggested link for diagnosing Asperger’s in adult women specifically, so I gave that go too. I read this page and this page and, honestly, I feel like I was reading about my entire life. I actually started crying while I was reading it because it started to make me feel, at least a little, like maybe there’s not something ‘wrong’ with me so much as something unrecognized. It made sense, since I know most medicine is based on male patients and women go undiagnosed for all sorts of things because symptoms emerge differently for them, and it would appear this is one of those situations. In that vein, I feel a huge, huge amount of relief.

But I also feel really, really scared, and I’m still just as wary about looking for a diagnosis because I’m afraid of people accusing me of looking for excuses. I’m not saying I want a diagnosis because I want people to just have to accept my shitty behavior; if it’s shitty, it’s shitty, and needs to be taken care of. I want it because I just want my fucking life to make sense. If I really am this way, it would answer so, so, SO many questions I’ve had my entire life. It would explain soooo many things I could just never quite seem to control in myself or figure out in my peer groups. It would bring so much clarity to this weird mist that’s been around me my whole life, and then I could also tap into resources that might make all that shit better. Maybe not totally fix it, but at least improve it.

But I’m also scared that, even if I get past worrying that people think I’m fishing for excuses, maybe I’ll go see a doctor and it still turn out that I’m wrong and this really isn’t a thing in me. Not only would I be right back where I started but I’d be even more lost and confused because the one suspicion I’d had all these years that might have explained it turned out to be a dud, and then I’d have no clue whatsoever other than “Something’s just really wrong with me.”

I don’t know what to do. I really do need to have this figured out, one way or the other, if just for the sake of my employability. I’m just... really worried and stressed and scared this is going to make the things already blowing up in my face get even worse.

[conchobarbarian]

here’s the deal, is I very frequently look at lists of symptoms, or “you might have/be [x] if [x]”, or “helpful tips for people with [x]” & think “wait shit that’s really relatable but I don’t have/I’m not [x]” & I feel guilty for like appropriating a conversation that’s not about me or whatever

but also a very prominent example of this is things about depression. since I joined tumblr in high school I’ve seen so much stuff about depression, & thought, “that sounds like me, but I’m not depressed,” & felt guilty for trying to make my own bullshit into something as serious as depression

but the thing is, looking back at like my freshman year of college? I was depressed. like, I was definitely depressed. I cried in the shower or cried myself to sleep at least like once a week, probably. I was constantly miserable, I felt totally isolated, I operated within a routine & it’s only that routine that really kept me operational. every time I was like “this sounds like me but it can’t be because I’m not depressed enough to have depression,” I was wrong

another example is my asexuality. I started wondering if I was ace a year or two before I finally concluded I was, because I second guessed myself so much, & felt like I was lying if I tried to claim any kind of label

I still have this problem, where anytime I see something & think “I really relate to this, could this apply to me” I immediately shut myself down because what fucking right do I have to insert myself into anyone else’s conversation, what right do I have to try to act like I understand how other people feel. just because I get anxious doesn’t mean I have anxiety, and how dare I act like my problems get a diagnosis. things can be relatable without being applicable.

& it doesn’t help that several things I do this with, if they do apply to me, manifest fairly mildly, or at least not with the textbook signs I know to look for. when I was depressed, I wasn’t suicidal*. I’m ace, but I’m not sex-repulsed. I think I have anxiety, but it’s fairly mild & in most cases doesn’t interfere with living my life, although it does mean powering through anxiety frequently (talk to me about reminding myself “green means go, red means stop” every time I drive). obviously, you don’t need to be suicidal to be depressed, sex-repulsed to be ace, or anything else like that, but it makes it a lot easier for me to write things off as me misdiagnosing/mislabeling myself

even knowing that I don’t need to be, I’m so afraid of trying to claim that I’m something I’m not. I’m afraid that people will be mad at me for trying to pretend I’m anything other than neurotypical & cisgender (you guys remember a year ago when I kept being like “I don’t really need anything in my life to change but also idk if I feel like a cis woman is supposed to” bc it turns out that that comes back every time I don’t have people to distract me for a few days). I’m afraid that I’m one of those (at least semi-mythical, if not completely made up) people who just claims to be mentally ill or queer** just for attention or to fit in or whatever bullshit. I tell myself that I’m being dumb, but that doesn’t stop me from second guessing myself & feeling guilty any time I try to fit a new label to myself

so anyway, the latest thing that I’ve got conflicting “this sounds like me”/”who am I to try to use this label” thoughts about is wondering if I fall somewhere on the autism spectrum. tumblr posts meant for people on the spectrum action or thought patterns that are intimately familiar to me. looking at this list of symptoms of aspergers in women, a not-insignificant percentage of them apply to me. but I can’t be on the spectrum, I keep telling myself, because I’ve always fit in just fine with the neurotypical crowd, & I don’t present the “typical” signs of autism (although there’s some issues around what gets presented as “typical” autism in media, etc). clearly, says my brain, I’m just looking for something to make me special, & I’m an asshole. & besides, adds my shithole brain, what’s the point of thinking about it, when I’ve functioned fine for 21 years without any diagnoses of any kind, & realistically I’m never going to even go to my parents & be like “hey I think this about me, I’d like to see if a doctor could confirm it”

but like. I thought that about my sexuality, too. for like three years I was like “I don’t know what my sexuality is, but who cares, it’s not like it interferes with my life anyway,” but then when I did let myself label myself as ace, I cried because it was such a surprising relief to finally have that, & it’s so gratifying to have that as a point of contact with other ace people. being able to label that part of my identity mattered so much more than I thought it would. I don’t know if I do fall on the autism spectrum, I don’t know if having that as a label would make me as happy as the ace label has. but god it would be nice if my fucking brain would let me even entertain the thought.

tl;dr my brain is an asshole that refuses to acknowledge that “high functioning [anything]” exists & is remarkably reluctant to even let me try diagnosing myself with anything

*although I’ve been informed that some things I tend to think of as just “fatalistic” might fall into this category lmao

**I mean, I definitely know I’m queer. the “am I making it up” thoughts are entirely based around thinking about gender, not my sexuality

#personal #lmao this is literally 1000 words long #just so you know what you're getting into if you choose to read more #anywho I saw a relatable post & when I thought 'shit wait that's relatable' my brain yelled at me so #also I didn't read through this again or anything & now that I've published it I'm v worried I wrote something wrong or something #so I guess lmk if you see any glaring issues #not that it matters even remotely #I need to step away from this lmao

[skysphoenixmode-blog]

Full Book

                     "When more tough times then pleasant times happened, it gets harder to trust everything including the process. It’s never impossible but it won’t get easier."-Me

 Tell yourself this everytime you are about to get angry

This is what I tell myself everytime I’m about to get angry.

 I’m a good person

I’m a great person

I’m a neat person

I’m a kind person

I know how far I still need to go

But I know how far I’ve come

                                                  Sky: This is my Time

                                                   This is my Fight

                                                  This is my Night 1

                                                   By Sky Savittiere

 Prologue

Baby Years/Child years

The beginning of it all/Many nightmarish hospital visits

My Anxiety

Marisa (The girl I once loved and the backlash that came with it to today)

School

Nick (My Former best friend and how it all fell apart)

My home Life/ More of back in the day

The decision that Changed my Life: Moving to Austin

Me vs Amanda

The first few years in Austin

Lacey: The one that Got away

2015 Part 1 (Me vs Brittany) *Long chapter plus my side of the story and how I feel about it today.

2015 Part 2 (Near death Experience, Watching my dog die, and a whole lot of other bullshit in between)

2016 (To be continued from 2015)

Texas Longhorns basketball and Football: From just other teams to a part of me

Austin Texas Today

The world Today

Sky’s One Final Letting it all out chapter

The ongoing back and forth list of people I trust

The Betrayal

 Going Forward

Closing

Bonus chapters (The Origin of my title, Questionnaire, anything else I may feel like adding)

                                       Prologue

  Hello Ladies and Gentlemen.

My name is Sky Benjamin Savittiere (Pronounced Sav-itt-iere). I ‘am 24 years old. I currently live in Austin Texas with my father Chris Savittiere. He is 42 and he is the owner of one of if not the best tailoring companies in the country. Savilino design. If you haven't checked it out, I strongly suggest you do so. Great service made by great people. Especially my father. Although me and him piss each other off here and there, he is a good man. He has been a big part, not all but a big part in where I'm at today. I ‘am blessed to have an amazing father such as him. I have lived here for about 6 years. Moved here in July of 2011. It has just been the two of us ever since my ex stepmom moved out in August of last year. What I'm about to do is take you through my journey. Now let me be clear, anything I say about most is not how I feel now. Example, living with my mom during my teen years was not easy and I mean not easy at all. However, she has grown so much as have I and I'm very proud of her. We still get into it here and there but I love her to death and I'm proud of her and how far she has come despite her demons. So yes, that's a prime example because it was a hard time of my life. What I'm hoping to do is tell my story in my own words. In hopes of number 1, helping whoever is going through what I've been through and still to an extent going through today. Number 2, showing the world that people like myself aren't bad people. Yes, we have issues. We all do. I'm a 24-year-old man with Asperger’s and autism (More of an Autistic Disorder). Both very high functioning by the way. As a lot of people already well know. And a lot of my emotions is not that talking. It's me pissed off. Yes, and I don't care what anybody says, I have a lot of anger due to a lot of events that have happened throughout my life. It has taken me awhile to accept that but I'm done running from the truth. It's time for me to stand and accept myself. For so long I had to please others. Lived my life off their acceptance. No way to live folks, It’s not healthy. It will wear you out. It will drain you of all mental energy. Do we still want to be the best version of ourselves we can be for the ones we love? 100 percent. Do we want to be fair and find that balance to where you’re not too happy or not too pissed off? By far yes. That's been my biggest challenge. Especially the last two years. I got to tell you although I'm still working on trying to be fair and find that balance, I have reached a point where enough is enough. Where yes, I'm sick and tired of it always being a damned if I do, damned if I don't. Can never do right by anybody. Yes, there are still moments to this day that does come. Where I'm also sick and tired of repeating myself that to people who say they get it one minute and then they don't. It's time I tell my story the only way I know how. My way. There is a lot that I will tell, a lot I do remember, a lot that I don’t remember, a lot that I don’t feel like telling only because it’s not a good idea and that some things are just best kept to myself, and then of course there are some things that I just can’t say. Whether it’s for me or someone else. Yes, there will be some graphic parts in this, it is uncensored, it will have moments that make you laugh. Moments that will make you cry. Moments that will make you look closer. Moments where people will agree with me and say that’s fucking right on and then moments that people won’t agree with me on. To the point where I could get booed. Finally, yes there will be moments where I may not make sense. Moments where I may not make sense. I know at the beginning because I don’t have a lot that I do not remember about my early earliest years, I may not make sense but as it gets further, it will tell a lot more of my story that I have yet to tell. Even if I may repeat myself here and there but for two reasons. 1. Throughout my life sometimes because most people didn’t listen and most of what I said pretty much went in one ear and came right out the other, I had to repeat myself to get my point across. 2. To make a point about something else. Either way, who cares. This is my story. This is my book. This is my rules. Whatever I say (to an extent about 90 percent) goes. I can say what I want. When I want. How I want. Either way, Ladies and gentlemen, this is my time. This is my fight. This is my night. Sit back relax and enjoy.

  Chapter 1- Birth and a little bit of Baby years and then some

 I love was born on July 1st of 1993. I don't necessarily remember what time. But of course, as always, I remember the day I was born. Honestly, I don't remember a lot of my Baby years. The one thing I do remember when I was born was that I had a bit of a breathing problem. I had to stay in the hospital for an entire week but the best thing is my father was there with me every step of the way. Even when he had to work he came right back to the hospital to be with me. Although, he did end up losing his job but it was at some shitty wood place as he told me. I didn’t get the full story on that. Yes, I almost forgot him and my mom had me at very young ages. He could've went out and partied and hang with his friends but he grew up early. He came to be with his newborn son. I wasn't planned and yes, I remember I was even at one point put up for adoption. Up until my old man met a rich couple and then he said fuck it cause yes, he saw how snotty they were. Hahah I loved it. Maybe that's why I despise most of today's society haha just kidding. About that part. I really do despise today's society but I'll get into that later. My father and my Mom Destiny both were together for a little while but then they got divorced after a year of being Married. I remember where the first 5-6 years of my life, I was with my father. He helped raised me. I remember all the times where we were on Monroe street in Springfield Missouri. We were living in an Old White wooded house near a park and of course some Other houses because we weren't too far outside the city. It was in a neighborhood in the city. Again, like I said I don't remember much but the fact that he raised me at a young age, probably the reason why no matter what I will always have love and respect for him. There are other reasons though. He is a good man. He was a good man despite his struggles back then and he is an even better one now. I was a happy baby. A happy baby who didn't have a worry in the world. Why? Because the world just felt so easier and simpler. Didn't feel like it was coming at you. Quite honestly, I don't remember a whole lot of specifics of my Little kid years but I do just know that it was so much easier in the day. However, one of the biggest challenges in my early kid years was I believe when I was about 5 was when I discovered I had a condition called FAP. What is FAP you ask? Well it is a condition in my digestive system where I have these things called Polyps. Polyps are these little balls like things that make it hard for me to sometimes use the Bathroom. Where at times there will be blood in my stool. My Doctors at the Time, Dr John Barrios, and Dr Alejandro Ramirez both who were two of the main gastrologists in Columbia Missouri were the ones who diagnosed me with it. Dr Barrios kind of creeped me out but Dr Ramirez was a nice guy Although thanks to my doctor here Dr John Ziebert who is the main Doctor in that area here in Austin, it was a misdiagnosis and it was actually another condition called Calvin syndrome where unlike F.A.P where the polyps were toxic and it either could've caused me to have my colon taken out because of possible colon cancer down the line due to that and the linkage of history of colon cancer in my family, or could've maybe even killed me down the line somewhere, the polyps were not toxic and just a little bit oversized but could do no psychical damage. Yes, it will still be hard for me to go to the bathroom sometimes but it won't kill me. That's one of the biggest blessings in my life. Another thing but this has definitely been more of a challenge throughout my life, is my autism disorder and Asperger’s that I was diagnosed with when I was 5 even though apparently, it's part of my autistic disorder. I don't know. Going to have to ask my therapist. It doesn't make sense I know. A lot of things don't make sense but I got to live with it. I still don't know the whole story about my "disorder" even though I'm very high functioning but what I do know is that it is a type of mental disorder. Where apparently you think differently and then some. I really don't know. What I do know however Is that we all think differently in some way. We all see things differently. We hear what we hear. I don't hear what other people hear. They don't hear what I hear. I don't think what they think. They don't think what I think. I don't see what they see. They don't see what I see. See where I'm going with this? Now are there unfortunate circumstances for others with low functioning? Hell yes. I remember one time I believe it was my junior year of high school. It was for my work transition class, I was forced by my mother to go on this self-advocacy field trip to Kansas City. I went with two other students, Lee, and Eric. His Mom Merri (aka Mrs. Pemberton and nicest lady ever by the way) Who was one of my teachers back in the day was chaperoning the trip. Eric was all right. I always got along with him. Mrs P, was awesome as always. I always got along with her. Lee however, not so much. Trust me I have so many stories about him. If I have some time I'll get into it later but he made it not easier on me during that trip. I remember me, him and Eric were all in the hotel room, I was trying to get to sleep because the next day we were heading home. I wanted to get up, get the fair over with and I wanted to get on the road to go home. Lee and Eric were still up. Eric, I believe was talking to his girlfriend while Lee was up watching TV. However, that's not all, what I'm about to tell you next is disturbing. He kept trying to get into bed with me and kept trying to touch me. I almost beat the fuck out of him for doing that and also, he kept trying to order porn which if he did that could've gotten us all in serious trouble which at the time I was always afraid of because woo wheeeee when I was living with my mom it always felt like I was getting in to trouble which yes it is a big part of why I've had an anxiety problem for a very long time. Why? You'll know soon enough but luckily Lee didn't do that. Out of all those who were in the same category I was, Lee I did not feel sorry for. Yes, I will say he had a rough home life. I know that for a fact but still doesn't excuse him. Man, I can't tell you how many times he gotten me in trouble. Saying I do shit that yet he does himself. Rare occasion that he gets in trouble but guess who got it more? Yep me. You guessed it. He had to play the pity card to play off other people's sympathies while I who rarely talked in class, rarely got in trouble kept on getting in trouble for no fucking reason and I got into trouble at home a lot because of that and then some. Worst part about it was My mom was friends with his father so that made it a million times worse. I was practically at a disadvantage. Honestly with my mom, I was at a disadvantage my entire life for the most part. More on that later too. Wanted to share all that too to get things started. Yes, it was a part of that chapter although I will be getting in depth into that later on.

 Chapter 2: The Beginning of it all/Many Nightmarish hospital visits

 The real beginning of my journey came when I was about 5 or 6. It was a windy night in Springfield Missouri. I was living in an apartment with my father and my grandmother Bren. His mom. I called her Grammy. Our small apartment was in a complex but it was kind of in the ghetto. I'll have to ask what was the name of the neighborhood cause like a lot of things, I don't remember off the top of my head but I do remember what my surroundings were. Anyway, back to the story, it was a windy night and I was asleep on the couch I believe. It was around 11 at night, I was awoken by shouting and arguing. I woke up and I heard my father and my grandmother arguing. It scared me a little bit because at the time I was a little kid and I didn't know any better. Back in the day, although my father was very for the most part responsible he was kind of in the drug dealing and hung around those type of people. He came home late one night. Grammy heard it and came down. The two talked for about 5 minutes and then an argument happened. They argued for about 20 minutes and then the police came. Our next-door neighbor Barb who happened to be a close friend of my grandmother, called it on him. It's why he doesn't like her (Barb) to this day. He even kind of cringed at it when I asked him about it for this book. Rightfully so. I understand it was the hardest time in his life for him. I have plenty. Plenty I will be sharing coming up. So yes, that was a traumatic memory along with watching him get arrested I still live with to this day here and there.

       That right there was a changing moment because about 6 months later he had to leave. He had to Leave Springfield. He had a lot of issues that had he continued to stay, he could've either ended up behind bars or worse, Dead. The one thing I know that remains to be true to this day, is how much he loves me and my sister. It was hard because while he did stay connected with us, more of me than my sister because their situation is a little complicated, it was hard not having him around. I did have another father figure, my stepdad Jesse. She had multiple scumbags who weren't really father figures. Joe and Quentin. More on that later yet again. After that night, I had to go live with my mother. Pretty much for the next 13 years. Some were ok, a lot more were not. Like I said earlier, I ‘am very proud of my mom. She has come so far. She does still piss me off here and there and trust me I let her know and unlike back in the day as long as her or anyone else don't try to throw multiple bullshit at me to try to get me to shut up then I am not afraid and I know what I'm talking about. However, that isn’t going to stop me from telling my story about what it was like. On that and a lot of others. Yes, I may say it a lot but I could give a Damn. Back to my hospital visits, boy oh boy was that hell. The visits here were a million times easier. Why? Your about to find out. Those visits to Columbia and Kansas City for my colonoscopies. (Pardon my language) Fucking nightmare. Number 1, the prep. The night before was always a nightmare. I hated the night before. Always. I'd rather fracture my foot than do that or at least I had moments but I couldn't eat. AT ALL!!!!! At least until after the procedure. The medicine......oh god don't even get me started. Barium, ugh. Tasted like Sprite, Mountain Dew, Ginger Ale. It doesn't matter. It ruined those for me. Salt water, just gross. And then finally, the enema. Those little things of water where you had to get stuck up your ass. At the end of the day, it is actually good for Anybody who is trying to clean their colon. I would just prefer other methods over something so uncomfortable being stuck up your bum bum.

      Number 2, I've always hated those kinds of trips. It was miserable. I couldn't even sleep. I didn't even want to sleep because I always had to make sure my colon was clean and my stool was clean. I was paranoid cause if it wasn't, it was almost guaranteed that we would have to come back and I would have to do this all over again. I get that it was to save my life but let's face it, I'm going to have to live with this the rest of my life. Unless somehow someway the doctors from anywhere in the world find a cure which honestly, I don't see happening. Least in my lifetime. Either way, the preps back then compared to now fucking sucked balls. The preps now are easier. The only thing I still can't do is eat but least all I have to do is miralax. However, I did throw up one time because of it but hey the last time I had to do prep....guess what? I did it all by myself. Yes, and I kicked ass. Gave me an excuse to stay in my room all day and do whatever I want. Secret well not necessarily is that my room is my sanctuary. I could always do better in trying to maintain it but still it's my safe place. It's kind of like What a lab is to Dexter Morgan. Obviously, that was a show about a serial killer killing other serial killers. I'm nothing of the sort. Just a normal man trying to find his place in this world but you get what I'm saying. Unless I have something major going on serious and life wise or something I take interest in, that's where I'm at. My room and nowhere but. Now it's not healthy to be in there 24/7/365. Something I pretty much was when I was living with my mom and then the first couple few years here in Austin. It has gotten a lot better since. More on that here in a bit but again when I have nothing important going on, I'm at home in my room doing whatever the hell Sky wants. And I encourage anyone to don't be afraid to say hey I just want to be left the hell alone. Now however obviously don't be in there 24/7 but it's all right to if you need it specially to get the hell away from everything when you need a break. I've always considered it to be safe for me. It's always been a safe place for me my entire life. Especially because I didn't have a lot of social outlets. Friends and stuff throughout my life. I had a few but they were mostly hanging around a crowd that didn't like me that much which is weird but that's the truth. Most of the others, I would spend my time trying to please them because I would want to belong and not feel like an outsider. Of course, that was always what ended up happening, That’s neither here nor there. Also, I seriously don't know why I'm getting off topic but hey that's why this is my book, my rules. I can do whatever I want. I shouldn't but I do it anyways. Back to the main point of this chapter. After the procedure every time, I went to chow down. I chowed down like Scooby Doo and Shaggy eating a big ass sandwich. I'm surprised those two aren't fat as fuck. They eat more than I do and in bigger portions. It felt good to eat again after a little more than 24 hours. I'm sorry let me rephrase that way more than 24 hours. Felt like 36 hours. It really was. After dinner on the night before prep, that was it. I had to literally wait almost two days to eat again. From the night before prep night until later in the afternoon after the procedure. Longest 36 hours of my life. EVERYTIME!!!!!! Afterward is always a celebration. Back in Columbia, Kansas City or here it doesn't matter.....I was in the happiest mood I've been ever. It doesn't mean that it's over permanently. It may never will be over. It will be something I'm going to live with for the rest of my life probably but at least it's not something that will kill me......yet. Other issues that I've had throughout my life included a misdiagnosis of Epilepsy and Acid Reflexes. I even remember collapsing in the middle of a parking lot one day after a doctor appointment. Wasn't due to my epilepsy. Actually, it was due to heat exhaustion and plus I was sick with a bug. Very hot day. Started feeling really dizzy in the doctor’s office. After my appointment, as we were getting ready to leave I fell to the concrete. My mom was literally screaming in horror, called for help and then I got an ambulance ride all the way to the hospital. At the time, it was called Skaggs now known as Cox. By the way this was in My hometown of Branson Missouri. Not Springfield. My head was all bloodied and shit. As we arrived to the hospital, my mom made a lot of calls to everybody letting them know what had happened. It was scary especially because I was unconscious. Of course, I was able to tell the EMTs the important information so I can help them with what they need to know. Still I was barely conscious, as a matter of fact I quite honestly at the time did not for the life of me remember a lot of what happened that day. I do now because if I didn't then I wouldn't be telling you about it. Hospitals have never really been my thing. I've always hated it. I know they are there to save your lives. It's a beautiful thing but back then I hated it because it was scary. I was little and it scared the heebie Jeebies out of me because of all the operations I had. Now I hate it because well I just don't need it and plus it's just too damn expensive. Yes I’ am covered by Medicaid....for now for the most part. Also the expensive part is because of one thing and trust me I will cover this in my World chapter here in a while but because everything in this world has become a world for those who are RICH!!!!! Our President, President Trumps new advised health care plan from what I was told will just make it more expensive for non-rich people while the rich get yet another cut. ANOTHER CUT!!!!!! It just proves what  a lot have been saying, lower class and then middle class people are vanishing while the rich just get to take over because most of them had everything handed to them. Not all but most. The point being like my hero in the politics department The man who actually should be Bernie Sanders always says "This world, this planet, our country is for all of us and not just for the 1% at the top." He's right. It's why he should be president and not Trump. Our problem is this world is not racism. Well it is but not as big as classism. Classism is a bigger and more major problem. Don't believe me, look around you non-wealthy. Look at the prices. Why do I bring this up regarding health care? Well for starters again Trumps health plan from what the media has apparently uncovered. Although none of them can be trusted. Really they are all in it together because of that one word that is worse than any drugs such as crack or cocaine etc. Greed. Because this world believe it or not is out for themselves. Not all but most. It's very hard to find good people. Only way to be able to take down the rich or anybody who is consumed with greed is through their wallets but this system is so messed up man it could be too late. More on that later but my point being is everything for the most part is privatized. Healthcare, Government, shows, whatever. Why? Because if you aren’t rich your nothing it seems. If you aren’t a corporate scumbag you are nothing. That is why at this point I sometimes wonder why does it matter. Cause honestly I do feel it's a waste of time and if something were to happen to me, I am not afraid to die. Yes, I have so many things I still want to do and after the last two years especially where I finally woke the hell up, I’m desperately trying hard to come back mentally. More on that coming soon and believe you and me ladies and gentlemen you will not want to miss this.

  Chapter 3- Anxiety

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 One of my biggest challenges from within probably the worst and something I still deal with to this day is my anxiety issue. I'm taking medicine that won't help me get rid of it but while I'm trying to get myself back mentally it does help me get it under control. Something I don't want to do forever obviously, clearly, and especially I don't want to look like an addict. Ha-ha hell no but right now it is giving me some help while I try to get myself back. The biggest source of my anxiety came from a variety of directions. The people including my family sometimes, things that were going on, shit I don't even know where to begin. The point being and this is a big part of my story but my overall big source of anxiety came from my number 1 problem, trust. Trust in people, this society, a lot. Also, the fact that for the most part a lot of people STILL Don't understand is I was always the scapegoat to a lot of people. Some of my family, a lot of my so-called friends, shit what else? They don't realize it but as I continued to grow up and see more and more, I continued to see it. I also have grown to not be afraid to call people out on it and trust me there are a lot of people who need to be called out. Some including my family. Now while I can't control what they do, I can damn sure call them out and I will continue to whether they want to or not. I say all this because most of the time throughout my life starting when I was living with my mom, everything was always on me. I was always damned if I do, damned if I don't. Was I easy to be around? I'll be the first to admit and it won't be the last time I do it, I've had my moments. I'll admit that right now. I know there have been times where I wasn't easy but as always however, at least I've had the BALLS TO ADMIT THAT!!!! I did then and I still will. It honestly felt though that I could never do right by anybody. It wasn't me trying to get attention. It was a goddamn fact. Yet others don't look at it that way. A lot of things and a lot of people do have something to with my anxiety being where it was yes including myself. The whole point of this book is to share my story. Especially about that. Many of my stories have a least a little bit of that example. The truth is anxiety can really stress a person out. Most of my family especially a few on my father’s side have it as do I. It's no joke Ya’ll and anybody who makes a joke out of a person’s anxiety problem as far as I'm concerned can go to hell. Yes, I said it what are you going to do about it. Hmmmm? Yeah didn't think so. Most people can say oh your freaking out for no reason but as the saying goes don't judge someone till you know their story first. Also, never judge someone because of their race, sexual preference, disabilities etc. Class too but of course none of these people still can't wake the hell up because that is what this world is becoming. Racism isn't the number 1 problem folks? It's classism. Racism is a problem but not as big as classism. Classism is worse. It's been a problem for the last 20+ years but of course none of the people give a damn upstairs. Bankers, Corporate Scumbags, politicians, etc. Because of my trust issues I worry about what will happen to me and my father. Trust me I have a story about that in my 2016 chapter. I'm going to unleash on our laws in the 2016 chapter. I may worry a lot. Most of the time for a pretty damn good reason but people and a lot of them know who the hell they are, they should realize that they are a big part of the problem. You want to try to help me fix it, here's how they can fix it. Number 1, instead of getting frustrated with me saying how you wish you could.... when I tell you exactly what I need and that is sometimes just shut up and Let me be pissed off then damn it shut the hell up and let me be pissed off. I'll get over it. I always do. Number 2 and probably biggest key yet, don't be hypocritical. Here's the definition of that and like with everything else, listen carefully because I'll have plenty for this too. There have been a lot of people not everybody but a lot out there, some family and so-called friends, who when they need something and they come to me guess who about 95 percent of the time always is either there or tries to be there......one word....me. When I need something, not all but more times than not where the hell are they? No joke. It’s always excuses, excuses. Bullshit bullshit BULLSHIT 100!!!!! Trust me, I'll believe it the first time or two. Maybe 3 but when it happens continuously then I start to get suspicious especially if those who continue to bullshit me are those who have come to me or those few rare who I actually like and did everything in my power to do things for them, just anybody at this point Trust me I've seen it all. I know most by now. Especially after the crowds I've hung around who continued to pull this shit on me back in the day, I may be an idiot or act like one but I'm not stupid. I'm a lot smarter than a lot of people think I ‘am. They say they know but they don’t know me like they say they do. First it used to make me anxious cause let's face it like now I didn't have a lot of friends back in the day. However, I do have my father and Camille and a few other people who I'm alright with but other than that, I don't like a lot of people these days. Not only because of what is going on in this world but because of some recent experiences and the things I see on a day to day basis. Especially living in a city where it is getting harder and harder to make a life here. It does worry me a little bit. Not much but I'd be lying if I said it doesn't. I remember when I felt the world was against me, still kind of do have my moments to this day. I remember having these dreams where I was in Springfield Airport (Airport in my home state), it started in 2012 actually when I had this dream. I saw the girl I once loved waiting for me. All the gates were empty. Just me and her. Her name was Marisa by the way in case anybody was wondering. That chapter is coming up next. Any who back to the story, I went up to her. We talk for about a few minutes. Telling one another how much we miss each other. Finally, when I ask is this really happening? Her response "NOOOOOO!!!" Her voice turned demonic and I mean very demonic voice. After that, the clouds turn dark. A giant black hole emerges, starts to tear apart most of the airport and then everyone I have known appears. Enemies, allies, friends, family shit you name it. All of them in a line while I get weaker and weaker crawling on my knees. As I'm crawling on my knees, I hear all of them telling me some of the things I've had to hear throughout my life.

Examples such as "Your nothing!!" "People love you then they hate you." "You're so overwhelming" "Leave me alone”! “It’s always your fault". Kept hearing that for about a few minutes while I'm crawling. Once I reach the end of the line, I've always seen a main somebody that I've had struggles with. Marisa, my stepmom, my ex best friend Nick, some people here that I've had recent dilemmas with, one of them always ends up being at the line. Eyes turning red, Evil Smiles and pulling a gun out. The two words moments later were always said. "Times Up!!!" Pulls out a gun and shoots me in the head. It's a dream I sometimes still have. I know why now. I may not like a lot of people and I'm not like what I used to be where I'm everyone's best friend. However, I don't want to die alone because this wasn't the way I was raised. I was raised to always be kind to others even when they aren't to you but that wasn't always the best way to live. Especially when people continue to walk all over you like they own you and shit. I wasn't perfect. I know I had a lot of moments where I expected things to always be perfect when I know now they always won't but hey you know what it's what happens when you try to please people. Now my mindset when it comes to stuff like that is I don't do things for people who don't do things for me. Meaning if I need something, you better do it or I am not doing shit for you no more. If you are going to come to me and vent your bullshit to me, I better get the same damn thing in return. The only two people at the time who were exempt from this were both of my former best friends. Why?

Because after a conversation I had with both of them last, I want to say November, we have an understanding and more respect for one another. We still mess with each other in a very good way of course that all changed this past year but my point being is everyone else who comes to me for stuff. The one thing I always ask for is the same damn thing in return. It isn’t much but it's respect. If I didn't have the situations in my life that I did where that came into play then that wouldn't be a major problem but guess what it was. I used to have major anxiety about it. Now I don't. I don't care. I can't control people but damn it when it has been a problem my entire life for the most part, it's common courtesy. Trust me there is an entire list of people I would call out and reasons why but due to legal procedures that I must follow and the last thing I need is another Pandora's box opened, I'm not going to do that right here. Oh no no no no no, that's best saved for outside of here. Especially because I don't need a riot outside on my front lawn. Instead that is more personal and if they piss me off I'm going to do it right there and then. I don't want to be hated or full of darkness but I'm not going to kiss everyone's ass anymore either specially to feel like I belong. People who are going through what I've gone through or people who have gone through what I've gone through listen carefully, here are the signs that you need to look out for when it comes to this

 1. They give you an excuse after 3 times. Pay attention to a time when they come to you during then. Pay attention to all. Have it in your back pockets to help you make your point.

 2. They constantly say they aren't qualified to help you. (Remember always pay attention to a time that they come to you for the exact same bullshit)

 3. When you try to do right by them and they just ignore you.

 4. When they stop talking to you and you've done nothing wrong to them.

  There are more but those are the 4 main keys. Obviously don't be super negative but look out for yourself as well. Don't let people walk all over you. If they do, get the fuck out while you still can. I'm not joking. Happened to me plenty of times. Rare occasion when I've done number 1, but only because I didn't feel like it. I don't make excuses. I make sure I'm being straight with someone. Always. I learned if you are straight with someone most of the time then they will be in turn straight with you.

 Chapter 4: Marisa

Chapter Song: Daughtry- Life After You

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 Let me share with Ya’ll about the story of a girl I once loved. She was from back home. Her name was Marisa. I went to school with her for about 2 years. I was a freshman and she was a Junior when we first met. At the time, she was dating one of my classmates. His name was Taylor. He was an all right guy. Haha someone who didn’t bully me in school. As time went on, the two started to separate because of their own issues. Time went on and me and her became closer. Things were good. Talked every day. Well most of the time. We both were there for each other whenever we needed each other. However, that ended up being one of my first challenging times growing up. Before I begin, I just want her to know if somehow someway she is reading this I hope she knows how proud I ‘am of her and how happy I ‘am that she found somebody who loves her for her and much love. Marisa, I also want you to know that I'm sorry for the way I acted. I know I wasn't easy to be around despite my issues and although I wish things could've gone differently, I really did enjoy all the good times we've had over the years back in the day. I'm happy for you. You deserve it. I wish you nothing but the best. Now that I got that out of the way, it was one my first ever trying times that I dealt with where I started to grow and learn more. It all started my sophomore year and her Senior year. It was right around the time of prom. She invited me to prom. It was her senior prom and it was a special time for her and I wanted to make sure it was perfect. I spent the next few weeks trying to get ready. My outfit, a corsage, flowers. Even did some extra chores around the house to get some extra money so I can pay for after prom dinner. For me and her. The day of it comes. I decided to take a nap before my mom is ready to take me out to the Lake house where everybody was meeting up at before we took off. I wake up and apparently, she had her dad call my mom. Something seemed a little fishy but of course I wasn't aware back then than I ‘am today. Looking back at it now though, it is kind of funny. Great story to laugh at. It will also be a great story to look back on and tell my kids hopefully one day in case they ever go through something like that. Any who, her dad calls our house and tells My mom that unfortunately she is sick. It was a little disappointing cause I worked very hard to make sure I got what I needed for prom night. Also, I've never gotten invited to anything like that. It was a rare occasion when I did. When my plans changed, I ended up going to Springfield to see my sister for the weekend. My mom also got me a game for my Xbox 360 because she felt bad. Once I got to Springfield, I ended up having the house to myself cause my little sister and her mom had something to do I believe. Don't really remember but I know I made a few phone calls. Again, I was stupid back then. Damn sure am not now. That's not the story. The story of when it all began was my junior year of high school. Her freshman year of college. Me and my Ex Best Friend Nick went up to Columbia for a guy’s weekend. It was about a month after I got done being ungrounded. He went up for a college visit and decided to invite me for a guy’s weekend. The first night we were there, we originally were supposed to have just a plain and simple guys night with a friend of ours Josh. However, it ended up turning into a party. Something I didn't end up doing at the time. Plus, I just got done being ungrounded. Do you really think I want to be grounded again? So, I panicked. I panicked because it wasn't my type of surrounding at the time. I didn't want my mom to find out and then I lose the only friend that I had. I didn't have a lot of options at the time so I called Marisa. Explained to her the situation. She said no worries. Just come on over here. About 20 minutes later, my friends Mackenzi and Adam took me over there. They were out and about anyways. I arrived about 10 minutes later. She lived out at the dorms near The Missouri Tigers football field (Faurot Field). I believe it was Universal Hall. I'll have to clarify that but it was one of the most beautiful parts of the entire campus. One of my favorites hands down for sure. If you see it at night, you'll see why. So back to the story, I arrive over there. Marisa was waiting outside because I believe I had to go in with someone who was living in the dorms. We go in, we go up to her dorm room. She was living with 3 others. No, you filthy animals nothing happened so before you go off saying "Ayyeeeeeee Sky got laid Holmes!!" Or shit like that, read on to the rest of the story of this. Again, this was a story about someone I once was in love with. Not about sex. She's married now to someone else who makes her happy and it's been years since this happened. Again, sorry I got off track, it's something I do in case people try to start stuff. I've done it since my high school days. I know why. I'll get into it later maybe. All right for real though back to the story. We go in and we are talking for a few minutes but more pleasant conversation. As we are on the way up, I start to panic a little more because well it's just what happens. Least in my life. Marisa asks me "What's Wrong?" I then respond, "I'll tell you once we get up to the room."  We get up to the room. It was pleasant again. We actually hung out for almost all night. Luckily it was on a weekend night and she had little to almost no homework. We laughed, had ourselves a little dance party, talked about our common love of wings, even watched one of her favorite movies She's the man. It starred Amanda Bynes. It was about how she wanted to get into a boarding school. Poses as her twin brother Sebastian (Haha he didn't exist in the movie, he was still Amanda Bynes). Had a Skype session with a friend of hers who I also knew who I later discovered was her new dude. His name was Bradley. One of the richest dudes in my hometown. I actually went to school with him too. He was actually lower than me grade wise but that is actually about as far as I'm going to get, Although I'll get into that more here shortly, not their business because what they do is their business and that is fine. So, after the Skype session, Marisa and I were sitting in the bed. Well she was laying down, and I was sitting on the end but of course I was more like not sitting as if i was going to get up. I was more relaxed where I didn't want to get up. It was about 11:30 pm almost midnight that night. We started talking. I explained to her the situation. We talked. I told her how afraid I was of my mom finding out cause I just got done being ungrounded a month earlier plus like I said at the beginning at the book, I'm proud of her now. But back then it wasn't easy living with my mom. I also told her how trapped I felt. For the first time ever, she was someone I didn't feel alone with. She put my mind at ease. I felt like I wasn't trapped. After she prayed for me (yes she was 100 percent a lover of the Lord) I admire her for that. She wasn't like a lot of other people I knew who said that one minute then went out and got fucked up and fucked. She was real. Once that was over, she told me about how Bradley was up the weekend before I was. They went out to the soccer field here on campus the weekend before. While they were playing a friendly one on one, apparently she hurt her ankle. I'm not sure how exactly. I don't remember and even if I did, again I'm not trying to say anything bad about specific people. But moments later, the most surprising thing happened, and that being she asked me for an ankle massage. She put her ankle up on a pillow on my lap and once I began to massage it. She is lying there closing her eyes. Smiling. Like she was at peace. As was I. That was the moment right there I felt for her. She wasn't someone I wanted to have sex with. She was literally someone I legitimately cared about. It was just the beginning. About a night later after I got back to Josh's house on Paquin street aka the Paq shack the night before and got into a little bit of an argument with another friend who actually happens to still to be someone I'm very close with today even though she lives in South America: Me, Nick and a few other people were out and about the night later. We went to see a movie. On our way to the movies, Nick and I were sitting in the back. I was still thinking about Marisa. So, I decided to talk to Nick about it. However, the other people we were with don't necessarily know how to keep their mouth shut so I send a private message to Nick on my phone. My text I sent to him went like this "Hey can you hook me up with Marisa? I really like her. A lot." I send the message. I wait about 10 minutes until 10 minutes later, I ask Nick did he get my message? He said no. So, I check my phone and guess what? I accidentally sent it to her. My God was I panicking. I was embarrassed. I was freaking the hell out. Because I didn't pay attention plus I just told the girl I loved my biggest secret ever even though I was trying to send it to Nick. The two did not really like each other. Why? Well I’ll tell more later but long story short about that, one of Marisa’s best friends was Nick's ex. That was a shit storm what happened between him and his Ex but that's their business, that’s a road I'm not going to go down again. What happened between them was like a casual drama filled dilemma. They both fucked each other over as far as I'm concerned but the point being this isn't about them. This is about me and my story. So back to the story, after I sent that I was excused for a moment and her dude called me and we got into it. That was the start of a long going rivalry between me and his people which lasted about the last two years of my high school life. It also changed things between me and her. It was a constant battle I faced, I'll get to that here in a second. After that night when I sent that message, I remembered just now that we had lunch the same day before I left but It wasn't just the two of us. It was me, her, and our friends Mackenzi and Adam. Thank God they were there cause an already awkward situation could've been more awkward. I also forgot to mention that Nick took the fall for me the night that the message was sent but it didn't matter. She knew. I haven't really talked to her in years. Although I felt like there were times where she was playing me, there were times where she did care for real. I know I wasn't easy to be around, but I did the best I could. The last time we actually got along was the day of my 18th birthday. It was about a couple of weeks before I left for Austin. I was originally going to go out with Some friends. Go to the strip club, and then some. She however did not think it was a good idea and had a proposition. Instead we had a night in at her place. Played some games and then some (Again no not sex ya filthy animals). This was right after her and Bradley broke up. At first yeah it sounded like a good idea because it was the first time we started talking again. Plus believe it or not I still loved her. I wanted to be around her. It just .... how can I put this? When I was around her, I felt at peace. Even when she was not being cool and yes when I wasn't easy to be around, I was still distracted. She was the only one who was real and didn't fuck with me well there were times when I thought differently but you get the point. However, I decided to go with Nick and a few other friends of ours. His girlfriend at the time Chelsea and another girl that I liked at the time Kristina. We didn't end up going to the strip club. We all went to Springfield for dinner at hooters and then we came back to Branson. Went to Kristina’s apartment for about a good while. It was good thing we all were fucked up or otherwise I would've felt left out. Long story short, ended up being a good night. After that, then we kind of went back to being on the bad side of one another. There's one thing I regret in this whole chapter. It was in 2012 about a year after I came to Austin. One day I was at the park near the capital I'm not sure how it came about but what I do know is that I regret it. I called her and I left her a very nasty voice-mail. Something that I apologized to her about in 2015 even though she had the right to not want to talk to me anymore. She accepted but then she told me where she was at in this and in her life. We haven't talked since but there are times Here and there where I do give a hey hope you’re doing well etc. Not expecting a response let me make that clear. The best one I gave was when she got married to the man of her dreams. Because at the end of the day I don't want any problems with her.

I want her to be happy. I still think about it every once in a while, because sometimes i wish things could've been different and handled differently on my part. I do regret some of the things I did but never ever will I apologize for the good times we've had. The laughs. The cries. The wings Mmmmmnnnn Mmmmmnnnn wings were good. Haha we used to have holidays in honor of wings. Wingmas, Wingsgiving, wingaween, wingster, haha must I go on hahaha hahaha. It was funny. Good times but most importantly I will never ever ever ever ever ever apologize for the feelings I felt for her. Yeah it drove me nuts sometimes. It drove me nuts that I did everything I could to hang on even if I did drive her away which I did a few times back then. She wasn't perfect, but neither was I. However, I mean what I said when back then she was one of the only few at the time who didn't bullshit me. Who made me not feel alone. I hated the way I acted even after all of this. I do miss her but honestly, I'm glad it happened, and I hate that it did. I hate that it did because it did give me some of my many anxieties when it comes to social life and women but I'm glad it did because like with my guys, it gave me things I needed to work on things still to this day. Wasn't easy still isn't but I'm doing it. The main thing I know is as much as I was angry back then and then some, I have no hate towards her. As long as she's ok, as long as she knows that if she ever needs anything and she decides to come to me for anything she knows I’ll be there and as long as her husband treats her well then my best place is in the shadows. Letting her do her and be her. I'm still going to continue to do me and be me. I wish some of the things didn't happened but hey it’s what happens when you are a guy who has demons while in love.

  Chapter 5- School

Chapter Song: Lyrics Born- Calling out

 Two things before I started this chapter, first I don’t remember a lot of other specifics during my kindergarten years through 8th grade. 2nd when I got into high school (Branson High School class of 2011 in my Hometown of Branson, Missouri) I pretty much outside of a few bullies, I had one major enemy each year.

9th Grade-Bucky

10th Grade- Austin

11th- Bradley and His Crew

12- Bradley and His Crew

Good God I hated school. I avoided it a lot. Thank God, I was still able to get good enough grades and graduate but let's face it, because of my situation I wasn't going to go to a fancy university like Mizzou or UT (Even though I live In Austin). What is that situation you ask? I'm here because I have a confession, and this is going to be a major shock but I had a few special ED classes. Yes, I know what people were going to say. They will be like "You're don't look like it." It's true actually I don't but guess what I' am. It's just the way it is. I'm in the process of trying to ask my Mom why? I don't necessarily remember off the top of my head how it happened. Either way if I was different, low functioning then I wouldn't be here right now telling you my story. So, I hated it as well because I was in a way like Nadine off a movie I saw recently Called the edge of seventeen. It had Woody Harrelson and Hailey Steinfeld, it was pretty good. I bought it to add to the collection. However, I think the movie that I personally can best relate too is Silver Linings Playbook. Before I continue with that comparison, let me get back to the Nadine and Edge of seventeen reference. Edge of Seventeen was a comedy drama about 17-Year-Old Junior Nadine. She was a loner. Didn't have much friends in high school. She also battling some demons of her own. Her best Friend Krista was fucking her brother Darian who both also went to School with Nadine, her mom was a bitch, was never well in groups because she was always left out. Well I have a lot of similar things compared to that movie.

1. I was always the third wheel to people who I knew were in relationships. Nadine was feeling weirded out that her best friend was fucking her brother, but Krista tried to include her. Yet all it was when it was Nadine, Krista, and Darian it was Krista and Darian either talking or Smooching and making out.

2. Nadine’s mom was a bitch. All the way until the very end of the movie. My mom while I know she did the best she could and although we have a better relationship now of course with some bumps in the road where yes, I do have to call her out when she has moments like most of what she had back then, back then speaking of she had bipolar along with yes, she was battling addiction. She has gotten so much better. She's not dealing with the addiction problems anymore. It hasn't been a problem for years because she fought it. Very proud of her. I Tell her that a lot. The bipolar while she has gotten control of it, it will never go away. The one thing that they have in common and this is still an issue I have with my mom and a few others but mainly her, instead of getting frustrated with me because you don't know what to do when I'm suffering, when I say shut the hell up and let me be pissed then I mean shut the hell up and let me be pissed. Let me feel what I want to feel. Most of the time I don't need help fixing my issues. Especially now. I will always need help in other certain areas. When it comes to my issues, when I need to be pissed I just want people to shut up. If I need help then I will come to them.

3. Nadine was battling demons. I was battling demons. She was more yes, a little over dramatic. I got tough because people constantly fucked me over or played me. #FakePeopleShowingFakeLoveToMe. Shout out to Drake. Shout out to Devan Downey (Shout out to Gary Parrish hahah). She was facing odds since her dad died years ago in the movie. I've been facing odds my entire damn life since I was a baby. We both don't like most of today's society. Both old souls. Didn't have lots of friends. Never did well in big crowd situations unless it was something that we like. Hence the reason why when college hoops season is here and my guys are playing, when I was having free time that's what I'm all about.

4. Both of our lives during our high school years sucked.

5. The last one I can think off, during lunch period during High school because we didn't like most of the students, we always had that one teacher that we liked that we would just go back to the classroom hang with them and we could do whatever we wanted till lunch period was over. She had Mr. Bruner (Played by Woody Harrelson). I had Mrs. Castillion, Ms. Ascone (I now Call her Miranda because I still keep in contact with her here and there and yes, I had a major crush on her as well), and Nurse D.

 And then the Silver Linings Playbook reference. The movie had Bradley Cooper, Jennifer Lawrence, Robert DeNiro, Julia Styles, John Ortiz, Chris Tucker, and Shea Willingham. The movie was about Pat Solitano played by Bradley Cooper who had Bipolar disorder. He was being treated for it after finding another man in the shower with his wife Nikki who he attempted to reconcile with after he got out. While trying to do that and living with his father Pat Sr played by Robert DeNiro and his mom Delores played by Jacki Weaver, Pat meets Tiffany played by Jennifer Lawrence while at dinner at his friend Ronnie's and his Wife Veronica's house. I'm not going to spoil the whole movie but point being the movie explores the story of people who are different trying to find their place in the world. It's why it is and always will be one of my favorite movies of all time. It actually is in my top 5. Number 1. It's how good it was but do you see where I'm going with this? In high school like I ‘am now, I didn't have a lot of friends. Not even people who were like me. I was a loner. I was bullied a lot. I was beat up a couple of times. Was made fun of a lot. People even always called me weird. Even when I dressed differently. Nicer to be precise. It's why I don't dress up unless It’s for an occasion that calls for it. A dinner, a date, etc. As far as public everyday goes I really don't especially now. Why? Well you'll know soon. It's another reason I have anxiety issues. The only people who I let mess with me like that are people who I'm very close with. My father and his new lady for starters. And then until they turned their backs on me, my former best friends. Also, my homeboy from my Starbucks Chris. As for the rest, it's on and off. Those 4 that I listed those are the main 4, well now just those three not only because I trust them but also, I mess with them a lot in return. Hahah especially my homeboy Chris when it comes to our little Jayhawks vs Longhorns rivalry. Yes, for everything else, it has been hard. I still to this day have confidence issues because one of my main sayings. "When more tough times than pleasant times happens, it gets harder to trust everything and everyone. Including the process." I always thought the world was looking down on me. I still do to this day. The only difference is I don't purposely wake up and act like a damn emo. I always wake up and I try to think the best of every day. Allot of people to this day still doubt me, thinking I love to purposely think negatively. I can tell you that's the one thing that really pisses me off when people do that shit. I'm not perfect and I know I ‘am no angel. Guess what the number 1 thing I do and am always good at is admitting when I ‘am wrong. Almost to a fault. It's what happens when well yes you get where I'm going with this. I also still felt like the world was looking down on me because of my conditions. Still do today. Always felt like I was different. In school, here's how I felt...ranking wise......

1. Preps/Jocks/Cheerleaders

2. Rednecks/Gangsters

3. Goths/Emos

4. Bullies (Even though they were all over)/Troublemakers

5. Me or people like me

 Earlier I even said most people like me were in groups. Most of the time I felt like I was all by myself. I had a few people. It wasn't much but I really wasn't part of a group. I was more of an outsider. I was an outsider then and I still am today. The only major difference is I actually have truer people in my life. Still isn’t much but it's something. Ill address that more later possibly if I feel like it. It was hard to survive high school. It's a tough time man. Especially when it's all about living the experience. Going to football games on Friday nights, going out partying afterwards or just Every weekend, groups of friends. Even when I did have those experiences, most of the time they didn't mean anything. The only time my high school experiences meant anything was my senior year. It was the final half, every day almost after school I would hang with my longtime friend since Childhood Jonas and a few other friends of ours. Christian, Jonnie, Titus, Evan. We would all go out on an adventure. Just telling raunchy Jokes. Yes, we have had moments where we smoked weed when we were in high school even. It was fun. I had a blast with those guys. Sometimes I wish we could have one more day like that just one more time. Especially with how much we've grown but we all got to move on somehow. We all got to grow up. That was one of my favorite times. I never really went to dances. Only went to 1. That was court warming my sophomore year. I went with my cousin Danny’s girl Molly at the time (Both of whom are older than me) I was lucky that my Principal Mr. Arnette knew Molly really well because otherwise Molly wouldn’t have been able to get in. It ended up being a great night. Formal, IHOP afterwards and that’s it, it was an honor because let’s face it I was at the bottom of the totem pole. Plus, Mr. Arnette liked me. He saw that I was a good kid who while I wasn't perfect and yes, I did struggle, I was good kid. I liked him and my other principal Mrs. Brenner now Dr Brenner. All of my other principals I didn't like that much. Mr. Dean especially. I had him my first two years of high school. He was ok at first but then he kind of turned. Didn't like me that much and vice versa. When he went to the 5th and 6th grade to take the role as head honcho, I was happy and in comes Mr. Wilcox who I also liked. So, my principals were cool. One of the other favorite rare things I liked about high school was My gym coaches Coach Lael and Coach Nimmo. Also, my counselors Mr. Brown, Mrs. Ewing, Mrs. Bailey and Mrs. Gamill plus their front office people Angela and Karen. Oops forgot Nurse D. But I loved them all. My senior year when I had coach Lael for Gym in semester 1 and then semester 2 when I did A+ Tutoring, those were the highlights of my senior year. I always got along with him. His two Teacher aids that he had from college of the Ozarks (C of O) they didn't like me and although they were both hot as hell and I wanted to rock their fucking worlds, I didn't like them either. Let me take a break from being serious for a moment. I got a funny story. A stupid funny story to tell. Brace yourselves you are going to laugh your asses off. So, one day closer to before I graduated, it was 7th period yet again when I had My A plus tutoring with coach Lael. I made a stupid story memory that looking back on it now I laugh my ass off every time. So, we were outside I think doing Flag football. I was doing some homework but Two students who were in there both sophomores and both who were part of Bradley's group, names were Nick and Kevin. Them and the rest of their little group dared me to do something that was from Jackass 2 I believe. It was the stunt where Preston got painted like a goal post and had a football kicked to his head. I did the same thing but instead to the back of my balls. Good lord it hurt like hell, I thought I had my balls kicked out of my throat but looking back on it now, I love telling that story. It's a damn good way to break the ice in anything. Coach Lael’s reaction was Funny. God, I wonder what he's up too these days. I miss that guy. Three more that I liked were Coach Furtkamp, my Personal finance teacher and Bradley's brother Austin (I would say his last name but again don’t need legal dilemmas and since i just said he was Bradley’s brother.... Yeah you know where I'm going with this) Bradley and I may not have liked each other because of Our rivalry over Marisa back then but I always had respect for Austin and me and him were cool. He was older and more Mature. Then of course an unexpected person who became the out of nowhere mother figure. One Sheila Forsyth. I had Mrs. Forsyth as a teacher for Two Years. My Junior Year and Senior year. Her class was more of a life class. About how to keep a job etc. Actually, did Job shadowing each week. One at Lloyds Electric, another at Skaggs, and I remember one was at L&J plumbing. I really liked Lloyds. Especially the guys who me and my classmates worked with. Curt, Lonnie, and Brandon. Never did L&J, And Skaggs hospital was Ok. Laundry was cool. Worked with a guy named Tommy. Cleaning was ok. Worked with Rick. Kitchen and dietary SUCKED!!!! There was this guy named Terry. He was an asshole. Everyone else was nice but Terry made it terrible. I mean come on, the only guy I could understand Terry being a dick too was Lee. Lee was never really an angel like I said earlier. Always goofing off. Giant hypocrite. Tattles on everybody. When we try to tell him something that he's doing wrong, he loses his shit. But when we do it, he Tattles. Tries to play the angel but guess what he wasn't. Even though he had more friends than I did. Gee what a coincidence. All I had my final two years was Jonas and my homeboy Jared who I still keep in contact with today. Had a few others. Lonnie Berry who I grew up with, I still have him too. We didn't talk for a while but after this past summer when I saw him when I was home for 3 weeks, we had a long-awaited heart to heart because I knew for a while that he felt like I abandoned him when in reality that’s not the case (See 2016 chapter for more). Back to Mrs. Forsyth. It wasn't easy at first when I first started out but as time went on. We became closer. She became like the nearby mother figure that I had when my own mother wasn’t there when she had her little drug addiction episodes or bipolar episodes.    

When I was having a rough day, Mrs. Forsyth was the one person who always took time out of her busy schedule to talk with me and make me not feel alone and help me believe in myself.  Although it helped me get through the last two years, it never really fixed my fucked-up home life. Most of what I talked with her about was my home life and how afraid i was of my mother and how fucked up my home life was. Because I mean seriously man, you mix a fucked-up home situation where your family most of the time was telling you that you are so overwhelming, negative blah blah blah along with struggles in School especially people bullying you, making fun of you, making you feel like nothing, it can really fuck you up mentally. I’m not joking. Trust me that won’t be the only thing you hear. I’ll give you another quick example and this by no example is a problem now, but I remember whenever my mom and I were at my Grandma Stices and there were a few times where she had her little moments of drug problems or bipolar episodes and she started those mental and emotional abuse moments cause let me tell ya man emotional abuse and mental abuse is worse. I don’t care what anybody says, for me it was bad. When we were over there, most of the time it was her word against mine. Oh, I’m a bad son. I’m never understanding. I need to show some respect to my mother. Etc. When oh my god does anybody see what she’s doing to me? Nobody sees and yet I’m the negative one. I’m so damn negative. Errrrrggggggggggghhhhhh its why I get so goddamn angry when people put words in my mouth or acting stupid saying oh I’m being something when I’m clearly not. It’s why i always say people need to start taking some fucking accountability for their actions. I get sick of being the damn scapegoat. That’s what I was a lot back then and still am to not all but a lot today. I remember going to school a lot crying. Like as if I wanted to disappear. Run away and never come back. Mrs. Forsyth was always there to talk with me. Always gave me a safe place. It’s why to this day she will always be one of my heroes. If I ever saw her again, I would give her a big hug and tell her thank you. During my classes with her, I also had Mrs. Leidecker. Her and I got along great too. I knew i was one of her favorites. Even during class, we would always talk sports. We knew when to turn the switch off and get serious. Otherwise, that was us. Hahah I wonder what she’s up too now as well. Her sons Bart and Will I knew. Her son Bart played football with my Cousin Danny in high school. Two of the all-time greats for the Branson Pirates. Oh, shit shit shit, how can I forget Coach Bishop? He was my health class teacher my freshman year and also the head Basketball Coach of our high school Varsity team. I liked him a lot. I remember it was my Freshman year as well when I was one of the managers along with his daughter Ali and her friend Tiffany. I only did it for the home games and they did both home and away. Our duties included Giving water to the team, picking up leftover cups, towels. It was fun, but I only did it for a year. It’s how I met Nick though. As far as athletic events go, I never really liked going to athletic events at my school. Football because most of the players were assholes. I never really liked basketball either although I was there for Coach Bishop. I was always the laughing stock. Never part of our student section. Never was included in it. A lot of things I was never included in. All of my school years either I didn’t remember, or I just don’t want to remember because of how miserable it was. High school especially. I missed so many days because of the fact I was afraid to be at school. Felt like I didn’t have a safe place. At home or at school. People looked at me differently because of my conditions. Family and fellow classmates. To be quite honest, I almost thought I wasn’t going to graduate. My senior year I struggled in a few classes. Not because I was slacking off. Because it was hard. I struggled in my two parter art class. I was not good at all. My art teacher Mrs. Fried was no help at all. It was frustrating. She was ok in semester 2 but semester 1 hell no. Not even close. Worst part is, that was the class that I had to pass to graduate. It was a nightmare. I was lucky to be able to do it. I always struggled in math. Simple math was easy. But as far as like psychics or algebra, hell no.  History was my best subject always. In any year i had history, it was exciting. It was after I had Coach Furtkamp that I realized how much I loved history. He knew when to be serious, but he was fun. He made his class fun and he was funny as shit. Him and Mr. Wampler. I had Coach Furtkamp my sophomore year. Mr. Wampler I had my sophomore and Junior Year. Sophomore year in Coach Furtkamps’ class. Junior Year in Coach Brenner’s class. Coach Brenner (Mrs. Brenner’s Husband), I liked him. His history class was the only one that was hard as shit. I still liked him though. He was a good guy. He was also the head soccer coach for our high school soccer team. Both men and women’s varsity. I went to a couple of games for the boys’ soccer team. Both teams were alright. Thanks to the confidence and belief in me by Mr. Wampler, I was able to pass Coach Brenner’s class as well. As for Science, the only one that was hard as fuck was Mr. Linn’s class my freshman year. Otherwise it was ok. There are plenty more that either I would share, want to share, or don’t feel like and don’t want to share. However, I’m going to close it with this because I got more to get too...the day that I graduated on May 11th 2011 from Branson High School. it was a great day. One of my rare greatest days of my life. To all those teachers/staff who have been a big part of my life despite my tough times and then some, I just want to say although I was proud to graduate and I was very glad to get the hell out of high school, not a day goes by where I wonder how you all are doing, I wonder every day and if I could I want to give you all a hug and tell you thank you. Also, I love you guys.

 Chapter 6- Nick

Chapter Song: Friday Night Boys- Thursday Night Pregame

-----------------------

*Sighs* I’ am looking forward and I’m not looking forward to this next chapter. Before I begin though, let me just say I have nothing bad now to say about Nick. I did when I felt like he abandoned me 5 years ago, although it was on me with my still unnecessary love for Marisa although I don’t regret the feelings I felt for her. I will never apologize for that and I don’t give a damn what anybody says. However, there’s a little blame to go to his ex-girlfriend Chelsea because I remember her kind of being a bitch when she was drunk and drunk texting saying all sorts of bullshit about how I always said I wanted to hook up with her, how no girl would want to go out with me. Also putting her nose where it didn’t belong when Nick and I had our situation. I was close for a little bit with Chelsea until all this shit happened. I even still have the Mizzou snuggie she gave me when I came home for thanksgiving back in 2011 just months after i moved to Austin but that doesn’t change anything now. I haven’t spoken to her in years. I hope she is doing well but well yeah.......and then there were some things that I wish Nick would understand. I was stupid back then but I damn sure am not now. Although I’m about to do my first hard chapter where it is going to be difficult, it must be done but let me be clear I’m not saying anything bad about Nick now. I haven’t spoken to him in years. I hope he is doing well, I hope he is staying safe and I hope fate will bring us back together one day but closer than ever before. Back then even though I sometimes wonder if He only hung out with me because he felt sorry for me, I looked up to him. I looked at him like a brother. He was the only person that actually wanted anything to do with me. It’s why he was my best friend back in high school. Even though I sometimes felt like he did it because he felt obligated or felt sorry for me. We did have some great times together though, before I continue, I just want to say I did have nothing but love and respect for his family. Especially his Mom Sharon. I loved the Shit out of Sharon. Her and my mom were close. If there is one thing I’m happy about that I can take out of this, it’s that my mom has a good friend to talk too (Still to this day even). I have even thought about getting back in contact with her to see how Nick is doing because yes, I’d be lying if I said I didn’t think about him or how he’s doing here and there. Also, because Sharon plain and simple is a good no let me rephrase that, a GREAT FUCKING PERSON IN GENERAL Sharon was a joy to be around. We don’t have many people like her in the world. We need more people like Sharon in the world. Sharon was also like another mother figure in my life. Someone I can share laughs with, who isn’t fucked up, etc. Her Husband/Nicks father Ted, great guy as well. I wasn’t as tight with him, but we always got along. He was at home during the weekends, but his job kept him Out of town during the week. Nicks brother Matt who graduated the same year as Nick, wasn’t tight with him but we got along too. Matt had his own group. Hung out with some of former people that Nick used to hang out with. But Matt was a cool dude. I never had and never will have anything bad about Nicks family. They are all great people. I hope they are all doing wonderful. Nick too. I’m glad I’m not writing back in 2012 because we'd be having a different conversation. Now though, I hope he is doing well. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t hope here and there for me and him to be friends again. Only this time where we both have grown a lot. Yes, where even I don’t feel like I’m his sidekick. I mean it. Although I do mean what I said just now, that isn’t going to stop me from telling this story. This chapter right here was yet another tough trial of many more. Let’s begin.

 I met Nick my freshman year of high school as stated earlier. I met him through my manager activity I did for Coach Bishop and our varsity basketball team as listed in chapter 5. When I first met Nick, we were shortly hanging out with his ex and her friends. It is how I met One of my very closest friends Veronica. Even though she lives in South America and I live here, she still remains one of my very closest friends to this day. One of the only people who actually looked at me like family in return. Never really had a problem with her except that one night in Columbia as listed in the earlier chapter about Marisa. Even then that was more of a Nick and Josh were trying to show me a good time and I left because at the time that was not me. They understood though at least. Even though a year later I was the complete opposite. I became a legend at a Mizzou Party. I drank 25 Caribbean rum shots. I was able to "Serve" some people in a dance off and I was very drunk. Funny thing is even though I don’t do it much anymore if not at all, I never once threw up or blacked out. I remember a lot of what happened. When I’m drunk, I’m normally a peaceful or happy drunk. Iam also a very funny drunk. So, any who, back to the story although I’m glad I met Veronica and at the end of the day I’m glad I went through what i went through with Marisa. I really didn’t like the rest when I think about it. His ex-Morgan or any of her other friends for that matter. That only lasted a short while. It’s yet another thing I don’t want to go down that road either because I don’t feel like it, or I just plain and simple don’t remember. I will say that when i mean that Nick and Morgan’s relationship was messed up, I mean they both fucked each other over as far as I’m concerned yet they continued to fuck around with each other. As soon as Nick officially cut it off with her, I remember Morgan kind of lost it and so for the most part used me just so she can have a way to keep ahold of Nick. Well it took a while for me to realize that. Cause let’s be honest, it was me putting forth all the effort and because I didn’t want to lose any of the so-called friends I made because I was a loner. I wanted to feel like I belong. I was blind back then but now I see. I’m not going to say anything bad but what I will say is Morgan was a lost soul. That’s not me saying anything bad. It’s the truth. She was an example of a giant hypocrite. Here’s why. She claimed to be a Christian and live the perfect life of God one minute, the next she was out partying and then some. Again, I was blind but now I’m found. I’ve been found for a while. When more than one person says something (the same thing) then it’s probably true. A lot of people I overheard saying stuff about oh Morgan did this at the party etc. All these people were lost. Her. Her friends, etc. They were all blind. I hope they’re doing well but I stand by what i said. Back to me and Nick, we did a lot together. Left school early a lot to go back to his house and game it up. I remember all the Friday nights and Sunday nights, we would chill in his hot tub. Just relax, chat about shows and what not. When my uncle passed away my sophomore year of high school (Which was bad year number 3. 2015 and 2016 were number 1 and 2 of worst years of my life), Nick was there for me. I even remember that I went to watch one of his track meets with him and his Mom. They even took me out to dinner and then I went and stayed the night at Nicks house. That was all the night after my uncle Mark passed away. Two of my favorite memories I had with Nick was that night when i was in Columbia and I drank those 25 shots of Caribbean rum during my Senior year of high school, his freshman year of college. He actually moved into the Paq Shaq with Josh and another guy Rory. This was close to the end of my senior year of high school. It was in April of 2011. After walking around campus with my Grandpa Lou, something that we've always done for years every time I was in Columbia. If you were in my shoes and saw Columbia and the Mizzou campus at night, you will see why I loved it. I’m a sucker for good scenery. In fact, when I come to a wrap on finishing this book, I will reveal some of my favorite places to be. What are they? You will find out soon enough. So, any who, I walked around with Lou for about a couple of hours. Afterwards he drove me to Nick and Josh’s house because I was crashing over there for the night. I got over there around 7:30pm. Once I got over there, it was just Nick at the time. Josh was out with some of his gay friends. (Yes, Josh was gay. You know what that’s alright. Nick and I are not gay. That doesn’t change how close we were with Josh. His friends they were cool but we only knew them because of Josh and we were only cool with them because of Josh. I always learned never to judge anyone based on race, Sexual Preference, etc. Josh was a good guy and that’s all that matters.) Nick and I started to pregame for a while. We pregame for a while of course playing some Nintendo Wii. I drank about 10 shots of Caribbean Rum. 15 other shots of variety that night. 25 total. We played Mario Kart. Played I believe a best of five. We went to round 5 and of course I won. Go me of course. So, after Mario Kart, Josh, and his Friends all arrive. The party is getting ready to start. I’m already fucked up. I get even more fucked up at our friend Lees house who is also gay but again I never judge because of stuff like that. If someone is a bitch, scumbag, etc. then I judge because personalities are more necessary to judge than someone who is gay, straight, bi, the color of their skin etc. Again, you should never judge someone on race, color of their skin, sexual preference etc. After we leave the paq Shack, we go over to Lees house. It is a rocking party. Even though I became a Leg wait for it end, Legend. Shout out to Barney Stinson from how I met your Mother, shout out to Neil Patrick Harris, and shout out again to Devan Downey: I was the youngest one there and once again. This girl Jennifer who I almost hooked up with last time or at least I thought we were until I discovered she was super fucked up. Fucked up to where she was making out with everyone and bumping and grinding on everyone there. I even think she went home with two dudes that night. All it ended up being was she needed my help with the Laundry downstairs for some reason. I don’t know why, and she really did not know where she was. Any who she was there, Veronica of course was there. Talha, Ivan, Brett who were Josh’s close gay bees as he calls them were there. Me and Nick. And then a lot of other people who for the life of me I did not know were there. It was still an alright night. I was so fucked up that night that I was horny as a motherfucker and I wanted to get laid. Not by any of Josh’s gay friends of course but any girl was there. Even if Jennifer tried again, this time I would’ve been all in and ready to rock her world. Honestly, I even think I made one small attempt to try to hook up with Veronica, I don’t remember because I was really drunk but thank god, I didn’t. Veronica has been the one person then and now outside or my family that has always stuck by my side no matter what even when I didn’t deserve it. You want the definition of family, good friend, and loyalty......look it up and it will have a picture of her next to it. Around 2 or 3 in the morning while I was very drunk, Nick and I went back to the house. Unfortunately, we had to walk from all the way on the north side of campus to the south side of campus back to Paquin. Nick was less sober than I was. Hahah rare occasion that happened during that time of my life. Luckily, I was able to walk straight. I even think we had a conversation. I think it was one of our rare heart to hearts. I don’t remember but we made it back. It took us about 25 minutes from Lees house to Campus. Once we got back to the house. We ordered Pizza at 4 in the morning. Bahahahahah I mean why in the hell is dominos open at 4 in the morning? I asked myself that question at the time. Of course, i then realized that its fucking dominos. Also, it’s one that is on campus. People for the most part order pizza on the weekends especially when they are drunk. Durrrrrr hahaha. Once we got the pizza, we ate. Stayed up for an hour and watched few episodes of American Dad and then he went to sleep in his room. I passed out on the couch. About an hour after that, Josh came home and that was the end of that night. It was a great night overall. I even remember we all went on a day out on campus afterwards. I don’t necessarily remember. That’s how long it was since. That is a memory in so many ways that I will remember. It was a rare one for sure. Definitely one of my favorites. One of my other favorites and I think this right here was our last great memory before we went our separate ways in 2012. It took place several months after I left for Austin in 2011. I went home to my hometown of Branson that was in my home state Of Missouri for thanksgiving because hey despite the hell I went through in school and my home life, it wasn’t easy when I first left to start my life over in Austin. I’ll get to all of that here later on but yeah so, I went home. After a few days, I spent with my family, I went to see my Sister and her mom in Springfield. That night Nick and his ex Chelsea came to Springfield to surprise me. Meant a lot. We all went out to dinner. Me, Nick, and Chelsea. Spent time together and then we went back to the house where we hung out some more. We even watched a couple episodes of Dexter which was Me and Nicks favorite show at the time. Around 10:30 they took off back to Branson cause Chelsea had to get back. Nick and I got a pic together. Chelsea gave me that Mizzou snuggie as mentioned earlier and then I gave them a hug. Told them much love and good to see them again. Unfortunately, I did not know at the time that would be the last time I would see them more of Nick again. I’ll get to that. Now however were the dark times. There’s only one thing major that I remembered that bothered the hell out of me and this was easily one of the reasons why unless its people I trust and it was a small group, I hate it when I’m out with someone and either people I don’t know or it ends up being a large group of people who I don’t know or I don’t like or they don’t like me, every time I end up being the odd man out. It is a fact. Obviously well most of the time not with my family, not with Corey and Evan and back then not with Jonas or my after school during my senior year people, everyone else, oh hell fucking yes. Its why I can do up to 3 or 4 unless it’s an event that I know I’m going to like too etc. No more than that. Any who There were a lot of times where Nick would include a girl in our time together. Most of the time and this is what pisses me off, it would be the two or 3 of them talking and I’m left out. Worst part of it is, it would either be one who I barely know, one who doesn’t like me or thinks I’m weird. Oh yeah here’s the kicker sometimes they would end up making out, playing/messing around, and what not so after a while i always brought some shit over to do like fuck around on my laptop so I’m not sitting there bored out of my fucking mind or losing my fucking mind. Other times I would go visit with Sharon or chill with matt but most of the time I brought shit over for me to do. Here’s the thing and I’m going to say this in the cleanest way possible, Nick was like the Deuce Bigalow of the school. He was able to get any girl and do it with them. Most of them were crazy about him. Trust me I can put it in so many ways but that’s the cleanest I can put it. The only one that actually treated me with respect and actually wasn’t there to just get with Nick also who actually acknowledge I was there was Chelsea for a good while until again the 2012 mention. After when I saw them (Nick and Chelsea) last, it was never the same. In 2012, me and Nicks friendship ended. Honestly it kind of felt like it was coming for a good while. How it happened you ask? Well back then, I was still crazy but unnecessarily in love with Marisa. It kind of got on Nicks nerves. Led to an argument that again was building up for a while. Before though, Chelsea was kind of starting stuff several nights before. What I will say is while I know I wasn’t getting any easier to be around and i know i had my moments but a lot of me was sick and tired of always feeling like the sidekick to him. A lot of times it is what I felt. A lot of people even said a lot of things that Some felt actually ended up true yet i defended him. Look i mean here’s the thing, now I don’t have anything bad to say about Nick. I hope he is doing well. I hope maybe one day maybe just maybe we can be friends again. Only this time were i don’t feel like the sidekick cause at the end of the day, I’m nobody’s bitch and I’m nobody’s sidekick. It was frustrating that Nick could basically get with any girl and have sex with them when my hormones are at a maximum high. Still are. That is probably why I’m so like ehhhhhh. Where I’m extra douchey. Oh but that’s not the only reason I’ am extra douchey. I’m not going to get into the rest just yet but yes. When we went our ways, I did have questions. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t. Like did these last several years mean anything? Did he only hang out with me because he felt sorry for me? Was he using my situation just to get with chicks like how a scumbag would get a dog just to sleep with women? I did have those questions. I’m not saying all of our times were bad obviously. I had some of my rare best times with him. However, in no way was it easy. It didn’t get any easier. I wasn’t perfect. I always could’ve done better. We could all always do better. I did the best I could. I could’ve told him how I felt. Then again, I was afraid to lose the only person who wanted anything to do with me. Whether he felt obligated and sorry for me or not and it ended up being real. I had my feelings. I always stand by them. I wish sometimes he could’ve taken accountability for some things. I wish it didn’t happen but sometimes I guess things happen for a reason. Although I will always stand by what I felt, a part of me always wishes that one day maybe things can be different. I’d be lying if I said I didn’t have those feelings a little bit. The only thing that will be different should that happen is I’m not going to be his sidekick and I won’t let him make me feel that way either. I’m especially not afraid to call out a bitch this time around. Especially one who would be there just to get with Nick. Unlike back then, I’m a lot smarter and wiser. Although that being said. I do wish him the best. I hope he is doing well and I hope the family is doing well.

 Chapter 7- Home life/More of back in the day

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Chapter 7 is not going to be easy at all. None of it is. None of this isn’t easy but the whole point is to not be afraid and to not back down from taking a stand. Before I begin, I want to make one thing perfectly clear, my mom and I have a great relationship now. She has grown so much. She has had a lot to overcome. Still does. Do we have moments here and there where we get into it? Of course. I’m not afraid to call her out. She’s not afraid to call me out. Sometimes we do need to call each other out. I’ am proud of her. She has grown so much. She does the best she can. Back then as well she did the best she could. Now that being said, also along with I love my family back home, it was not easy back then. Not easy at ALL. My mom more than the rest of my family. She even knows this. It was not easy at all. She is in no means a bad woman. She is a wonderful human being. She does know that i forgive her, but she also knows that she screwed up in a lot of ways but again that was then this is now but again this is my book. This is my rules. My story. I’ am going to tell this chapter but this one is more of a lesson for any parents out there. As mentioned earlier, I went to live with my Mom after my father left for New Orleans which was after he got arrested and realized he needed to get the fuck out of Missouri. I can’t blame him because I’d rather him not get arrested or worse. Killed. He did come back to visit as often as he could. Oh lordy every time he left, I got emotional. It’s why I’m not really well with goodbyes. I mean shit it was hard not having him around around. He was there. We talked on the phone quite often, but he wasn’t like there there in person. So yes it was hard. It got harder once I walked in on my mom having an affair behind my stepdads back. Oh god I have plenty more than that. My mom back then was not easy. Back then she was different than what she is now. She had a very bad addiction problem with pills and plus she was bipolar. That was not easy to grow up with. Especially with yes, the mental abuse I had to suffer. Her psycho freak-outs. All because of apparently, she was frustrated that she couldn’t make things better for me. No that actually made things worse. That is one if my biggest pet peeves. Any one of my family who says that shit now, I flip the fuck out. Most recent example being when my sister and I She had her good moments but back then it didn’t counter all of the pain and suffering she caused me. Want to know why I’m so negative apparently even though most of the time it’s me feeling what I’m feeling? It’s because when I was living with her back then, it was either I was forced to be positive or I would be in trouble. I was too overwhelming etc. It was a rare occasion when she was a mother that I needed. Yes, she bought me a thing or too but that couldn’t negate the fact that yes while stuff is nice, I needed a mom who would protect me not make me feel worse or scared. Yes, ladies and gentlemen, I was afraid of my mother. I had a lot of anger and pain that came from living with her. Yes she took me everywhere to make sure I was able to get to where I needed to be and for that I ‘am thankful. I’m not going to look at just the bad. My mom and I had more great moments when I left and today than what we did back then. Back then I was afraid of her. Parents out there, don’t ever make your children afraid. I don’t care what they do. You are supposed to love your children unconditionally. Not make them afraid of you. No child should ever be afraid of a parent. Some of them do need it but otherwise the purpose of a mother is to protect a child and love them unconditionally. The purpose of a father is to toughen them up and get them ready for the world. Also, to do the same thing as a mother would. Ladies and gentlemen, I was afraid of my mother back then. I suffered a lot of trauma because of her that while it won’t go completely away, I have worked on a lot of it to where I can get some of it under control. That night when I saw her cheating on my stepdad Jesse, she flipped. I was upset. She didn’t care. Even threatened to ground me if I told anybody. Yes, like that was going to help.  I ran to my Grandma Stices crying. At the time when my cousin Danny was there, I went to him. He was there. I even called my father because it happened before I came up to Austin one summer. He flipped. My mom and he got into it. Once everyone else found out. They lost their shit because they loved Jesse. They grew to Love Doug over time as did I. But that didn’t happen for a while for me. It was about a year once I left high school and adjusted in Austin. The reason is over the four years, Doug was actually the man that my mom was having the affair with. They’ve known each other for a while but several months after it was discovered, I believe it was December guess what? We had to move out there because they were so in love. It was uncomfortable. I didn’t like it. It wasn’t my home. It was all right especially for being out in the woods, but I was away from everything. It was small and kind of old. When I was having my stomach issues at night, it was hard to walk around if I needed a drink of water or to use the restroom without having my mom worry so much and yes sometimes bitch at me because Doug at the time and still is living outside the city It was a situation that personally I did not want to be involved in or a part of. Doug even had moments where he was acting like my father and personally he wasn’t. I wouldn’t even acknowledge it. Again, because it was a situation that unfortunately was forced into but no back then about 99 percent of the time what I said did not matter. Mom even went around and said that they were married which wasn’t true. Doug was having troubles with his wife but yet he wouldn’t sign the divorce papers. Do you want to know why it is hard for me to be positive ladies and gentlemen and you can say whatever you want, at the end of the day I stand by what I said and what i felt, but do you really want to know why? Because of these three reasons.

1. My saying at the very beginning of this book.

2. The fact that it was forced on me. It was either I had to be positive or I would be grounded. I was basically forced to feel something I wasn’t feeling. Not that I was looking for it on purpose like some damn emo who cuts themselves. I was suffering with everything that was going on around me. School, home, social, etc.

3. I get annoyed every time someone is all like chipper and hyper about oh feeling good. Yeah yeah yeah yeah. My mom used to do that all the fucking time especially during my dark times and she basically forced me to do just that or otherwise I would be in trouble. Sometimes i want to blast myself in the fucking head every time anybody does that. That’s not who I ‘am and when it is its very rare. The only time you would probably see me do that is when it involves my squad. Yeah see number 2. You want to know what I associate feeling good with, two things. 1. Sex. I’am a 24-year-old man who has yet to fulfill his needs. Years and years of having to listen to people around me talk about how it’s the greatest fucking thing ever. Yeah sure as shit sounds like it. I’m just going to leave it at that for now. I’m not done with it yet but I’m going to save it for later on. 2. My guys winning a national championship in both basketball and football. I’m going to leave it at that for now.

The rides with my mom weren’t easy either. A few times where she got upset she even threatened to crash the car and kill us both. Yeah that happened. I remember it was before I left for Austin when I finally had enough and I even flipped her off but trust me my moments where I finally had enough were 100 times worse when it came to my stepmom and the last two years. The most disturbing thing that happened out at that house was many countless and sleepless nights where I had to hear them have sex. I mean who wants to have to hear that, especially hearing your mother getting fucked in general especially by another man who is not your father or stepfather. Not me. No thank you. It was disturbing. I heard it almost every time. It wasn’t a large house. It was small. I was upstairs and they were down. I even remember where there was a time where I told my mom and again it didn’t matter. That’s what made me afraid of her even more. It’s why one of my biggest pet peeve is when people say they are frustrated that they can’t make things better for me and then they get frustrated or douchey with me. When I say now shut the hell up and I will come to you when I need your help. If I say I just need you to shut the fuck up and let me be pissed and have my voice, then for the love of god let me just do it. I will get over it. This is for everybody. This should be for everybody. No one is and should be exempt from this. Because this and a few others which will be listed later on. People may say that at least I have a roof over my head, clothes on my back, food in my stomach, etc. Yes, your right however having to feel afraid of a parent or your family for that matter should not have to happen either. Sometimes I would rather be alone on the street than dealing with an unstable home environment. Really it started feeling normal once it was just me and my father again. Never really have done well with the women figures in my life. Mostly because of my mom and my stepmom though. My sister’s mom has something to do it too. Not terrible. But it wasn’t easy with her as well. Not as much as my mom back then and stepmom. Yes, it’s even why sometimes when I do make friends I’m into the whole family thing right off the bat. Too eager for the perfect moment. Yes, I know I was. I’ve admitted that countless times. It was because there were a lot of times that I felt like I did not have my family. After this book, unless it comes up again then I’m done. I’m done with that and I’am done apologizing every time and being only one taking accountability. I can’t control them but damn it, it gets old after a while with me having to be the only one taking accountability. Yes no one is exempt from this too. Ladies and gentlemen, let me make one thing perfectly clear and bear with me here, the one thing I ask, and this isn’t ever going to change may not be for the perfect moment but what it is......it’s the same respect I give everyone else. Family including. When they need something, or need someone to talk too, guess who’s always there about 95 percent of the time. Me. But when I need something, or someone to talk too even if it’s just for them to let me talk and they shut the hell up and listen, guess what happens most of the time? Its excuses bullshit excuses. Nowhere to be found, or the good old Let it go let it go. No that isn’t going to fly with me anymore and here is why, do you really want to know why it’s hard for me to let things go?!?! Huh really do you want to know? Justice people justice. I don’t like how good people like us have to suffer while people like corporate scumbags, normal everyday douche bags who go out and all they want to do is get fucked up and fuck women, rich people, etc. They get good things but yet we all see the truth. No one does anything about it. It makes me sick. I guess it’s life now. Where good people like us suffer while bad ones get the good stuff and away with shit. It’s why it’s hard for me to let stuff go......a lot. Justice. It sounds crazy but at this point I don’t care. Why? It’s the truth. We all have different truths. I don’t experience what others experience. I don’t see what they see. I don’t hear what they hear. I don’t think what they think. I don’t feel what they feel. I don’t believe what they believe. Likewise, for me. They don’t do any of those like how I’ve done or experienced. It’s the honest truth. It’s why anybody who claims to know me like they say they do. It’s a lie. Nobody never knows anybody like they say they do. It’s why unlike back in the day, I’m not afraid to call anybody out especially when it comes to questioning me and my integrity and my damn dignity. Most of the time not all but most of the time, what I say is right. I’ll say about 90 percent of what I say is right. Because most of the time what I say is for a good reason. Guess what? When I’m wrong I know when iam and most of the time, I’ll admit it. My problem is no one else seems to do that. Why? Because most of the time, no one else does that. There have been many times where people put words in my mouth and passing the blame off to me. That is probably pet peeve number 1. No one taking accountability for their actions. Let me get to another thing. About when this going to social media to vent my problems thing started. It started during my teenage years. 8th grade. Being bullied every day. My home life sucking. My mom’s issues. My family not being there for me when I needed them most. I even remember my mom having an alcohol problem at one point. There was this one time when I was little where she came home drunk. She was bad man. I was asleep in my room. This was when she was married to my stepdad and we were living in our trailer. I hear noises and originally I thought it was a burglar. I heard the voice but again I was waking up and so I didn’t hear it all the way. Once i went out of my room I saw it was her. My stepdad who was sober, was there trying to calm her down. Good god she was losing it and was basically destroying all of our stuff. No kid should ever have to experience that. Ladies and gentlemen, for a while I have had to play catch up because of her and my school life. It was not easy. It was either treating me like a baby or being a psychopath. I’m still not in current possession of my license to drive. Yes, I have a permit and yes, I was in the Austin Driving school for a little bit when I first came to Austin several years ago. I passed. My teacher and instructor Mr. Lowe was a great guy. He even taught me a technique on how to turn properly. He was a father who also has an autistic son. A little lower functioning than I was but it doesn’t matter, he sounded like a pretty good kid and plus Mr. Lowe was such a great guy. You know what, shout out to Mr. Lowe. The minute I get my license. I’m going over there and giving that man a hug for taking the time to believe in me and work with me. Yes like I said I do hope to get it at some point but due to some situations right now (most of which will be listed throughout the rest of the book. Probably going forward) plus I want to get this done first, I’m going to have to hold off once again for a little while longer but yes, my point being is I had to play catch up. Still kind of am to this day. I’ve gotten better but I still have a long way to go. However, I’m taking it day by day at this point. If I try to figure everything and I mean EVERYTHING OUT all in one day then I lose it too. No one should ever try to feel rushed to figure the whole world out in one day. Something I need to remind myself constantly. Something that it is still hard to figure out. Especially when history plays a factor. I also don’t care what anybody says about that. History does indeed play a factor. I love my mom now but those reasons are why I won’t ever move back to Branson. As much as it has not been easy here either, I have gotten far. I haven’t even gotten started. She asks me that almost every time I have my moments to where things here aren’t easier. I tell her no. She knows. I don’t care what happens, I’m not going back to Branson because of history. I’m just going to tell you all right now, I have lost a lot and I will lose more probably but as long as I have my father, I still have a reason to get out of bed every day. If I lose him, I’m done. I will literally sell everything and disappear. No I’m not going to kill myself even though yeah I did try a few times here and there awhile back. But more of when I first came here to Austin and when I was back with my mom. Yes iam confessing that right here and right now. I did attempt suicide a few times back in the day and I have beaten myself before. I didn’t do it to get attention. I did it because there were times where I would rather die and not be here anymore than deal with the nightmare that was my home life back then when I was with my mom, my home life when I first came here to Austin, or just anything. Sometimes I wonder what would it be like if I wasn’t here. Would it be easier on everyone around me? Would everyone be happier? Well when you hear things like

-"Your always so negative all the time."

-"I’m never respectful or understanding to other people."

From a variety of fucking people including my own fucking family then yeah it makes me wonder. It’s why most of the time I wonder if all I’m good for is driving people away. Trust me there are more but those are the two main things. I’ve always heard. Shit when my mom and I were in counseling, guess what happened? It was all on me. What can I do to make things easier on my mom? Well what about what she’s doing to me?!?! Does anybody see that I’m suffering? It sure as shit doesn’t look like it or feel like it. That pet peeve about accountability all started with her then my stepmom. Ever since then it’s why me having to take accountability for everything when no one else does for their part even when the evidence presents itself, it’s a problem. Major problem and it’s unacceptable with me. Yes, again can’t control anybody but i don’t care. I’ve called out my mom many times. I’ve started to call my stepmom out over the last two years. Used to not be able too. When I was dumb, stupid, and not as wise as iam now. Now I’m not sitting here admitting that I was an angel. I was anything but. Most of the time, all I felt like was all I’m good for is driving people away. Still kind of do feel that way.

However, I was better than most. Sometimes I’ll even have moments where I do have flashbacks of my mom in her psycho freak-outs. I even sometimes remember the faces she would make and let me tell you it was scary. Shit even like I said earlier, my family back in Missouri for the most part was picking her side. Not all the time and not all of them but there were a lot. It is a blessing though that she got her act together and got off the pills. I don’t necessarily remember what it was called but I think I remember why she got on them. It was mainly for her back pains because boy oh boy I remember how bad her back was back then. I think. Don’t hold me to that but i just know that it was bad. Her pain and her addiction. She has been sober for 5-6 years and i could not be prouder of her. She was a waitress for almost all her life but now she is one of the top people at one of the best senior citizens back home. It was not easy. It was hell. I got more stories, but they are in other areas. It’s why I will never head back to Missouri unless it is Columbia or Kansas City because getting out of Missouri was the greatest thing ever for me. Hasn’t been easy. Trust me those stories are coming but I have gotten so much further since I’ve gotten out of there. I have a much closer relationship with my family back home since I left. I need to do a better job at communicating and keeping in touch with the rest outside of my sister, my grandpa Lou (In case anybody in my father’s side reading this is wondering why I listed him, read the Betrayal chapter. You’ll get the truth.) , my grandpa Ben, my mom, my cousin Danny, and my brother Darby because I keep in touch with those 6 the most. No matter what, no matter how not easy it has been and yes it was not easy at all back then, I do love my family. I love all of them. Back home, here in Texas, all over, etc. This past summer was the best time back home. Why? Wait till the 2016 chapter but until then Now it’s on to some of my favorite memories from back home but in a list form.

 Some of my favorite memories from back home that I will carry with me forever

-Visiting my grandma Sandra (all of the kids myself included called her Nanny) in Licking, Missouri. I remember many nights where we would make cookies. Bake them in the oven. We would then sit and watch cartoons. I would sit there watch cartoons, she would read her books. My grandpa Charlie would do the same. Many summer days there swimming in the pool, riding four wheelers with them and my brother Darby. He was living there and not with us. Which was alright. Not that I didn’t want anything to do with him, same thing with my mom. It’s just where he grew up. Where he wanted to be. Everything happens for a reason. Not necessarily sure how and why he decided to move up there. Again, so many things that I don’t remember. Either I don’t remember or I don’t want to remember, I have more important things to remember. I even remember where she would get me a toy or a new game heheh but you know what that doesn’t matter now that I’m older. Although I do appreciate the help when it comes to my season tickets for my guys which she did twice now. Two years ago and last year. Last year was more special due to the events that were causing me more chaos and major stress. I’m just glad that as we get older, i have someone I can talk too about the more serious stuff in life now and not just about what i was all about when I was growing up. However, it has been awhile since I’ve been up there to see everyone. Her, my grandpa Charlie, my brother of course, my sister in law Robin, and my sweet almost 1 year old chunky monkey baby niece Oaklee Jean. I would love to do that sooner rather than later hopefully. I miss the drive I used to take through Mountain Grove, Cabool, Houston and then to Licking. I miss the many summer sunsets where we would be out in the big shed out back where she would make her quilts. I would sit with my snacks and watch movies or cartoon network or play my handheld games, I miss all the times where I would go hangout at the office with them while they’re working. I miss the many nights of watching the stars or taking a walk outside, sitting out back, listening to the crickets, the many nights of watching raunchy comedies with my brother, eating leftovers, I just I miss it all. I hope one day to be able to do it one more time only this time where I’m all grown up cause unlike back in the day, I’m wiser than I was back then. Stronger, smarter. Just shout out to my grandma Sandra, shout out to Charlie, shout out to my brother Darby of course, shout out to robin and shout out to my sweet Niece Oaklee. Also shout out to my uncle Tyler. I love Ya’ll, I promise I will be visiting soon,

-When I first went to Columbia for my doctors’ appointments, I hated it. There were a couple of times where I lost people I cared about when I went up there. One time while I was up there, my cousin in law Misty passed away due to suicide. My cousin/her husband Noah also passed away due to drug overdose from depression after Misty died. Two separate times both when I was in Columbia. Mom kept it from me both times till after. I understand she was trying to protect me on one hand but on the other hand, I would’ve preferred to found out sooner. It was hard because every time I went to Columbia, I felt like something bad was going to happen. Again, during the time, it was the history part of it when it came to trust. After a while though, thanks to my grandpa Lou and our night walks on The Mizzou Campus, I’ve grown to love it again. The many memories I had on Worley Street. My favorite part of Columbia outside of Mizzou Campus. The walks around the neighborhood up to Walmart even to get a new game here and there or the frozen yogurt trips or pizza for that matter. Even my trips to Columbia mall were cool. It isn’t a Barton Springs mall, the plaza in Kansas City, or the malls I went to in Florida but damn it was nice. If I ever move back to Missouri it won’t be Springfield or Branson. It would be either Kansas City or Columbia. That’s how much those two areas give me peace. Columbia especially. Yes, it isn’t Longhorn nation. Nothing will ever top Longhorn Nation. Columbia is Tiger Nation but because of the history, the beautiful scenery etc., I will always consider Columbia and Kansas City home to me along with Dallas, Fort Worth, Miami, Deerfield Beach etc. Yes, I live in Austin and it’s my current home right now but it’s not where I want to be forever. Why? This city is sick in so many ways. The only thing that’s keeping me here is the fact that life right now is taking me through a different path and believe me it will all be revealed in due time. Also, the fact that I have the one thing that has never abandoned me here too. (See The from just two teams to now a part of me chapter.) Otherwise I don’t like what Austin has become (See how I feel about Austin Texas today chapter). I’ll save it for later. Those 6 places are the main where I do want to be at one day. Now honestly with the Miami Deerfield Beach area honestly at the top of the list. I would do anything as well to have one more night or two in Columbia one day. I miss the scenery. I miss walking on Campus at night, I miss eating at my two favorite places there. Stadiums Bar and Grill and Shakespeare’s Pizza. I just miss it all. One more thing, shout out to my Grandpa Lou. For always being someone, I can rely on. Someone who accepts me for who I ‘am. Who always shows me a good time when we hang out together. Finally, my favorite memory with him outside of this past summer when I was home for 3 weeks was I believe the summer before my freshman or sophomore year of high school when he took me to Faurot Field. The Missouri Tigers football field for a training camp practice which happened to be an open and free to the public practice. After about a couple of hours, if it wasn’t for him I wouldn’t have been able to meet Chase Daniel. Yes, the Chase Daniel who was one of Mizzou’s All-time Greats at the Quarterback position. I wish things could’ve worked out between him and my Grandmother but sometimes life has different plans. What I do know is that they are both in very good places in their lives now. I’m glad they can both forgive each other and have a friendship again. Most importantly I’m glad I can still have a relationship with them because both of them are my heroes. While yes technically Lou is my grandfather in law, because my blood grandfather is my Grandpa Ben and Grandpa Kenny (I haven’t seen him as much and I haven’t seen him or heard from him in years. None of us have really. By the way, he’s my mom’s dad.). Those that I listed otherwise my grandpa Lou and grandpa Ben I have a phenomenal relationship with them. My grandma Bren (aka Grammy as the kiddos call her. Mainly me because I’m the one out of all the grandkids who keeps the most contact with her), and my grandma Sandra. I also have a great relationship now with my grandma Stice unlike back then. I do however need to do a better job at keeping in contact with those two. I hope my grandpa Kenny and my grandma Wendy are doing wonderful. I don’t know my family tree on my mom’s side is a little bit complicated. Something I’m not going to go down right now. What I do know is I love all my family. All of my main grandparents who have been the big part of my life, shout out to you guys. I love you all and miss you all. Columbia, I hope to see you again one day and I promise I will even though Grammy live closer to us now and Lou lives in Kansas City.

-My Cousin who was more like a big brother Danny and I had some real great moments. Yes, we fought a lot back then. Especially after him and his ex, Molly who is long gone thank god broke up. At first before it all happened, I was in denial. I didn’t want to lose Molly because she looked at me like a little brother and I looked at her like a big sister. After a while as I learned more, she brought Danny and her ex scumbag of a boyfriend into a very unnecessary love triangle. She craved the attention from what I was gathering. She ultimately went back to her ex scumbag of a boyfriend. After a while I learned that its normal for people who just broke up to not have things going on that remind each other of something. Also, I even remembered that Molly was a partier. She was a mom. A good one let me remind you. A great worker as well. She was even manager of a really great 50s themed restaurant/ice cream parlor back home. That didn’t change the fact. As a matter of fact, while in that god forsaken love triangle, i even remembered she went to a KU underwear party up in Lawrence, Kansas one Weekend. How do I know this? Haaahhhh two things how I know. Number 1, Facebook. I’m not friends with her by any means on there and I haven’t spoken to her in about 9-10 years. Number 2, I have a damn good memory. About as good as a Hogs asshole after he took a dump on Bob Stoops. (Shout out to my football Guys. Shout out to my Longhorn Nation. Shout out to Tom Herman. Finally, once again to Devan Downey) If you ask me something, about 90-95 % good chance I’m going to remember. It’s a rare 5 to 10 percent I’m not going to remember. Although I laugh still at a pic of it where she had another random dude’s arms on her hips and stomach because yes, they were dancing and they were doing the B and G (Bumping and grinding). What other dance do they do at parties like that? Not salsa. Not ballroom. Not contemporary. Ha-ha you know? That was a very long time ago. She is older now. Mid to late 30s I assume or almost early. I’m not sure. Honestly, I do not know and it does not matter now. What does matter is that last I heard, I heard she found somebody new. Been married to him for a while. Heard he’s a really good dude. Had kids of his own from previous relationship or ships for that matter. Now they have a kid of their own. They have a little family now and I heard everyone is doing well so I’m very happy about that and i also hope it stays that way. Any who, also while Danny and I have had our moments as well in other areas, we have so many great memories as well. From poker nights, to nights at his place, going to movies, our games on madden. He used to kick my ass now I can kick his ass on it hahahahaha. He will try to deny it but we all know the truth haha. If it wasn’t for him, I would’ve never gotten into fantasy football. He helped me out the first few years, but after a while I became one of the best to ever play the game. I’m a 5-time overall champion. I’m the god of fantasy football. Hahah yes i said it. Iam also proud of Danny because he now serves our military. He's also one of the finest and best cops that the Springfield Police Department has. Normally I don’t trust cops these because they are corrupt. Protect and serve? Yeah right. It’s more like protect and serve most of the upper class. Abuse the rest. Danny however, I admire and respect and he’s the only cop I will look up too because he’s family and he always had good Morales. Yes, I’m saying this because maybe I’m being biased. So what? I don’t care though and I believe it. Why? Because Danny was always someone I looked up too. He is also a wonderful father to a very special baby Boy. His son Eli. Who I believe is now about to be 2 here in a few months. Hahah he’s so adorable. If you see him, Danny now, and Danny’s baby pics back then, Eli and Danny look so much alike. Eli even has Danny’s personality. His energetic charismatic personality. It’s so cute. Elis Mom/Danny’s wife Sam, such a sweetheart. They are such great parents. I don’t talk to Sam as much as I do Danny, but I’ve always gotten along with her. Those two are great together. I knew they were. I knew that the minute that Sam became pregnant with Eli, I knew that they were going to be great and wonderful parents. I knew that Danny especially was going to be a great father despite his very busy schedule because Danny was always a great cousin, friend, mentor, and most importantly Brother. I looked at Danny as more of a brother. A big brother figure. Yeah, we are still going to have our moments here and there. The only difference is, now I’m not a coward and plus I’m a lot wiser and not as stupid as I was back then. However, there is one thing I regret, and that is not showing up to his wedding. Which was right before the situation with Brittany first started. I didn’t want to be an usher. I wanted to stand right next to him as one of his groomsmen. I Wasn’t happy about being an usher but honestly now looking back at it, it is no excuse. If he or Sam is reading this, I love you both so much and from the bottom of my heart, I’ am so sorry. I love you both so much. Before I forget shout out to Brantley, Austin, Courtney (Austin’s longtime girlfriend now Wife.) Jacob, And Zach. Danny’s closest friends who also became close friends of mine over time.

-My stepdad Jesse and I Had many great memories. Such as late nights watching Futurama. Playing Video Games such as Final Fantasy, Mario, Zelda, and games on our game boys and PSPs (PlayStation Portables). There was only one time ever gotten really angry with me and that was one night after I came home from K-Life. The kids there were picking on me. I don’t necessarily remember how but I came home upset and I went into my room and I was slamming my wheeled chair on the ground. He came in and started screaming at me. I think it was because I was acting up. I’m not sure. I also had many great weekends at his house in Ozark with my Step Step Mom Becky. As I have grown up over time, I’ am glad that now we can talk raunchy even more now that I’ am not a child. The last time he was here with Becky, their friend Lynn, and shit I forgot Lynn’s husbands name but they were here last fall. I met with them for lunch at Gordoughs on west 4th. I forgot what they ordered but I ordered the ‘’Saucy Cock’’ which was Gordoughs signature chicken sandwich. The food was great but the service was absolutely fucking terrible. I will give them another chance but next time the servers there better not fucking take their time and sit around talking to most of their upper class friends. I’ll fucking say something. You don’t think I will? Watch me. Any who that wasn’t important at the time. After we left, we went and had a few drinks throughout west 5th and 6th for a little bit before I took off to head home while they went out on the town.

 -Spending Nights at my Longtime Childhood Friend Lonnie’s house. Growing up, we used to watch WWE every night it was on. Make Croissant Rolls, play with his WWE Figures, stay up late night playing video games. We had our moments back then but after this past summer, we have become closer than ever before. He has grown up so much and I’ am very proud of him.

 -Lunches with my home boy Jared every time I have come home to visit.

- Any memory that included Veronica or my sister.

-Last but not least, the memories I had with Jonas as we gotten older. Late nights up, eating pizza, chilling at Austin’s house in Forsyth, our after school during my senior year adventures, and most notably before I left for Texas they threw a goodbye party for me out at Austin’s house.

 I Had more but those I listed are the ones I loved the most. Also, the ones I really remember.

                                                               The Move to Austin

                        Chapter Song: Number One Gun- The Best of You and Me

                                  Chapter Song: John Mayer- Free Fallin

   This will probably be my shortest chapter yet. It will be describing the process of the Life changing move to Austin back in summer of 2011 after I graduated from High School. In the summer of 2010, I came to Austin my annual summer stay with my Father and my stepmom. One day that summer, we were at town lake having one of our father son talks. This was around the time when I wasn’t as smart and wise as I’ am now. Every time I came to Austin that summer and the summers prior, I felt safe and relived that I was away from my mother. Especially because I was with my father who up to today, although he pisses me off here and there as do I, he is my hero. My idol. My best friend. The man I look up too. I’m going to save the rest for a very special chapter just for him. Any who, I can’t necessarily remember how the conversation came to be but what I do know is that he was in a good place and he was ready to have me back again. Basically, it was time for me to leave Missouri and go somewhere new to get better because where I was at during that time of my life, I wasn’t going to get better in Missouri. That is just a plain and simple fact. It’s why every time I have had a situation for the past 6 years here and I’ve talked to my mom and she pulled the whole do I want to come back to Missouri card? I tell her no. Because there is nothing for me there to come back for just to live and everything I have worked hard for to get to this point will all be for nothing. It has not been easy. I still have a long way to go but compared to where I was years ago when I first moved to Austin to now, I have come far. You know what? I’m proud of myself but I’ll finish it in a later chapter. So once the decision was made, after I left at the beginning of August where it was the last time I said see ya later to my father before I was officially reunited with him, I started the process to enjoy my last year in Missouri despite the fact that I still had my senior year of high school that I had to survive. After I graduated (again thank god), it really started to hit me. Things were getting ready to change. The good things that I was used too and things in general wouldn’t be the way of the land anymore. I guess that’s just another example of things never stay the same eh? It was hard saying goodbye to my family and my longtime friends. Especially my sister. The highlights of that summer were memories that I will carry with me forever were the following…...

1.    The goodbye party that Jonas and our homeboys/his friends from his band Venus Of Willendorf threw for me. It was pretty fun. Got really fucked up that night I did lol. Drank a large ass glass of vodka. Really fucked and I mean FUCKED ME UP. Hahahahahahahhaha unfortunately we had to leave because Nick didn’t want to be there. It was making him uncomfortable. It was still a great night

2.    My 18th birthday night with Nick, His Ex Chelsea and Kristina (A girl I had a major crush on at the time)

3.    Even though it was for the very final time, the last time I saw Marisa.

4.    My graduation parties with my Family

  Maybe might have been a few others but those 4 right there were by far the most memorable. I left for Austin on Sunday July 17th, 2011. The night before was difficult even though my old man came into town to help me get ready for the move and the biggest change well one of them anyways of my life. Saying goodbye in general to people you grew up with and became closer with over the years was difficult. Everything you once knew, fuck. Sometimes I still think about that. Probably the hardest one of them all was saying goodbye to My Mom. How did it go? Well that morning, the three of us meaning me, my father, and her all drove to Springfield airport to pick up the rental car that my old man and I were going to take the long road trip to Austin. We all talked for a few minutes but seeing my mom sad and then how much she loved me then of course along with the take care of yourself. It broke my heart on the inside. Especially when we drove off. It broke my heart and just made me sad thinking about what she was going through. Despite how hard my mom made my life, she has come a long way. She has changed so much. This was the best thing for both of us and now even though we are always going to have disagreements, we have such a better relationship. I love you so much Mom. And with that we began the long drive to Austin to start the next phase of my life.

 ---------------------------------Sex/Relationship Chapter ---------------------------

 This chapter right here, it involves one of my biggest frustrations. I’m a  24-year-old man and I have yet to have sex. This chapter is going to have some very personal stuff so if you want to skip that is fine. Otherwise I'm going to continue. Over the years as I continue to get older, plain, and simple…. I’m horny as shit. Having to hear people constantly talk about it, it's frustrating me. You really don't think I want to have a pretty girl in my bed naked and we're doing the business? Ha-ha you are mistaken if you don't think that I want that. I want that more than anything. Yes, I believe in treating a woman right. Always. I never want to use a girl just for sex I mean unless it's a friend with benefit kind of thing. That's fine. Otherwise when the time comes that I meet that special someone, it's not going to be about just Sex with me. Yes, I ‘am not going to be afraid on the other hand, I'm sexually frustrated. Probably the reason I'm also very frustrated. I see all these beautiful women on a day to day basis. I even see people who are psychically in not so great shape. Probably Sometimes worse but they get the finest of the fine. Probably because they have money. I'm smashing my head against the wall like fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck gahhhhhh I need to get laid because I do. Increasingly as years go by, I get more sexually frustrated. It pisses me off when others especially people I know talk about how it's the greatest fucking thing in the world. I'm not in the best shape right now. I was last year until the shit with my family started to happen. Then I was just like you know what fuck this what's the point?? I'm never going to get laid. Never going to get a chick for companionship because I'm not some upper-class party person, I'm not rich and as always when people get to know me, most of the time yet again they go running the other way. It's especially hard in this town because I'm also not a partier. Most girls in this town are looking to party. So, if you are rich, a hipster, or a fucking partier which I'm neither of those 3 then You're good to go. I'm not looking for a model type. Some of the chicks I've had a thing for were not model types. What I look for in a girl are these following things.

Number 1, you do not have to be a Charlotte McKinney type of chick. I don't care if it's a little bit chunky. Look at Jake Lindsey's (Baylor Basketball player) girlfriend from Baylor. She's a little Chunky especially on the face yet she's so damn beautiful. You don't believe me? Look. Some of the other chicks including a former Barista at my Starbucks were almost the exact same way. So, I'm not picky necessarily. Now if you don't present yourself well like you are a ghetto woman or trailer park trash then I'm not interested. That's a different story. I don't care who it is. White, Black, Latino, etc. I don't care about race. There are many beautiful women in all categories. It's your lifestyle and your personality that are important to me. If you are out getting in trouble with the law, or just trashy and don't take care of yourself or if you are a partier etc. then I'm seriously not interested. Now I don't care if you want to go out and have a good time but if you are all about getting fucked up every night, no thank you.

2. If you treat my loved ones with respect. That's very important. You don't treat my loved ones with respect or if you fuck with them then you better fucking leave immediately because I will not tolerate that. No way.

3. Someone who will put forth the effort in return. Not all of it will be on me. Same thing with accountability. That is a pet peeve of mine if people don't take accountability for their actions. 95 percent of the time I will take accountability but if others don't. That does irritate me big time. I will not be afraid to call you out either. So just be prepared.

4. Who accepts me for who I ‘am and my situation. If I do things for them and when they need something or someone to talk too, I will be there but when I need it, I don't want to have to feel like what I say doesn't matter too.

5. As long as she's not all about money. As long as I don't have anything life related or whatever going on, most of the time I will do whatever she wants to do for the most part. However, when basketball season is around and my guys are playing, I don't care what anybody says including her but they will always come first. Especially because they have been the most consistent thing in my life. Now she has a choice, If she's a hoops fan especially a Longhorn then sweet. Definitely she's a keeper. I mean there is no doubt about that. To any woman who is a Diehard supporter of my guys, that hands down is a major bonus. That is a turn on for me. Does it sound weird? Yes, it does but you know what I don't care. It's something that has been a big part of my life. I don't care what she does if she isn’t interested but if she can't accept that then I can't accept her because she doesn't understand what my guys have meant to me and how much they do mean to me. That right there is very important to me when it comes to things I love. I have fantasy football and other things yes, but my guys mean more to me more than anyone can understand. I remember as a fan of anything else, I'm more dancing and funnier. When it comes to my guys, I'm more intense and more into it. I don't do what others do. Now when we win our first national title which I know it's coming or anything big that we do then there's a chance you will see more of that from me. That I can promise you. I'm going to wait till my chapter where I'm writing about my guys and how much that experience means to me but my point being is my guys mean more to me than sex or any relationship. Don't get me wrong, I definitely will not deny sex and when a relationship comes my way I’ am all open but if it ever comes at the cost of my guys to where it's either them or sex and my relationship with someone, I'm going to choose them first every time. I mean that a lot. That is just the law of the land with me. Anything important in regard to my life yes that also comes first cause obviously my whole world isn’t going to revolve around our relationship. Otherwise as long as she isn’t a bitch and it doesn't cost me all of my money, I'm good man.

 Before I get to relationships, I want to go in depth about sex. You probably already know the one thing i said. If you don’t think that I want a naked girl in my bed, bodies rubbing against one another. Moaning. Balls slapping against her ass or her pussy. Inside of her. Cumming sucking on those tits. Eating her ass and pussy. Licking her asshole and her pussy. Kissing. Her mouth sucking on my dick. All of the wonderful stuff that goes along with sex. You are sadly mistaken. Honestly though as well, it’s about the connection. Did some research and the fact that while most of today’s society is just about getting it in. Fucking. Sucking. Dancing. Getting fucked up. There are others. Very few where it brings people closer together. It also gives you a stress reliever. A very healthy reliever. And also, apparently it gives you great exercise. I mean Jesus though, all these beautiful women. It feels like torture that almost errrrrbody getting some but me. Oh yes you want to know what pisses me off about it, when people talk about it for their lives and how they had it and like oh how it’s the greatest fucking thing in the world. Most of my life, that’s what most of my well some of my so-called friends talked about, rubbed it in and then my other trubies, my very few trubies (True People but trubies for short) talked about it. I felt left out and I felt like a fucking loser because here I’ am listening to everybody around me talking about it and I’m just the odd man out. Not cool. Lots of things about it that torture me. I’ll tell you a quick story. So, there was this one time where my stepmoms friend Kari was over. Her and her now ex Husband Rudolph. Both very free spirited etc. So, little secret, I had a major crush on Kari. She’s very attractive. Of course, she is older than me and yes, she was married at the time. Well they came over one night for dinner. We had carbonara. All sitting at the table, talking. Telling stories. They meaning my old man, Stepmom, Kari, and Rudolph were all drinking wine. Well about 5 minutes later, Kari all of a sudden was talking about how she got caught one time showering outside completely NUDE by her neighbors. Also, about while she needs to be careful, she loves being nude. On the outside I’m cool, calm, and collected. Inside, I’m losing my fucking mind. It felt like torture. So bad to the point, I wanted to tell her that is hot. Get up, get her nude, and fuck the shit out of her and I honestly did not care who knew or was watching. That’s how bad my sexual frustration was at the time. Of course, I didn’t cause again I’m not an idiot. That would make a whole lot of problems for me and their friendship. Especially with my relationship with my stepmom being rocky, yeahhhhh don’t think so. I think I’d rather not cause extra problems than getting it in with one of the most attractive women I know. Trust me if she would’ve told me she wanted too, i would have in a heartbeat. Now if I would’ve seen her more often, I probably would not have told this story but she’s more friends with my ex stepmom than us. So now I’m more comfortable to tell that story. I did come close two other times. Once in the summer of 2016, where I went to the strip club with two former best friends one night before I left for 6 weeks. Why do I say former best friends? Well it’s a tricky subject and a very sensitive subject that happened recently. Because I don’t need any problems, there are lots of things that I can’t mention. There is how it happened and then what I feel about it today that I can say. All of which will be later on......possibly. I don’t know yet. I need to think this one through. However back to the story of now, we went to Palazios. One of the fanciest gentlemen clubs in town. One of my favorite experiences. The women there were beautiful. Absolutely beautiful. If I had more money and if I wasn’t going anywhere for 6 weeks, I probably would’ve pulled the trigger, went into the VIP room, and rocked one of those bitches’ world. Yes, I don’t have experience yet but because of my sexual frustrations, and because probably of how angry I’ am that I have yet to fulfill my needs, I would’ve rocked some bitches’ world. I wouldn’t be afraid to go for it. Now obviously unless either i had a vasectomy, or she had her tubes tied, I would’ve worn a condom or hope that she was on the pill. Maybe still would’ve worn a condom anyway. I don’t know yet. Depending on if she had a clean bill of health. Same with me. Last thing I need or she needs is an STD or an unplanned pregnancy. Otherwise I would go all in. There’s another story where I actually came really really close. So it was during my sophomore or junior year of high school. There was this girl. Her name was Crystal. She was in a grade or two lower than me. For a somewhat not bad but somewhat chunky chick, she was pretty. So there was this one night. I was staying at my grandmas. It was about a couple of months after this one time at Our local skating rink where we went into the back and she flashed me. It was hot. We weren’t in a relationship. We didn’t have sex but we were messing around a little bit. So that night a couple of months later. In January, I believe. We were hanging out at her house (well trailer but you get what I’m saying.) She was living with her grandma and her brother. Her grandma was there but her brother was not. Her grandma was kind of out of it but me and Crystal we were hanging in the back room. Watching TV. All of a sudden, we talk for a few minutes and then I don’t remember how but I remember her telling me about a relationship she was about to be in but she didn’t have a lot of experience. So, we ended up making out. The most we went was second base. Shirts off and she was topless. I even remember getting some hickeys on my neck and she was grinding on me and I was dry humping her. but that was as far as we went because well I was young, and I didn’t know as much as I do now. I mean I knew that I didn’t want to have unprotected sex with her and plus I didn’t want to risk anybody else who was in the house catching us. Especially because they knew my great Grandma Stice who happened to be the Landlord of the trailer park, they were living at. So yeah, I’ve came close but not much. My ultimate fantasy well I have two but before I do that, one thing i also forgot to add is us messing around under the covers. Fully clothed and then we are both nude when we come up. Now my two fantasies. 1. Either or meaning one of us has a long night at work. One of us is staying at the others place. One of us comes in. The other is sleeping. Happy to see each other, talk for a minute and then we are in the mood. We make out, then we get nude. Perform oral on each other. Her on me first. Me on her second. Then I come up from going down on her. I suck on her tits so aggressively like I’m really getting into it like how Kima Griggs from the Wire did with this black chick during that lesbian scene in Season 3. She’s smiling. Rubbing my head while I’m getting into sucking those tits. Then moments later. I turn her to the side, or get her on her hands and knees and I give it to her hardcore in the ass. Her boobs are bouncing around and she’s just moaning and enjoying it in the ass. Now pending on if I want to have an orgasm with her or sometimes blow a load on her tits or on her face, that’s how hard I go. Sometime ill cum in her ass. Sometimes I want to cum in her pussy and I want her to get wet and get my dick wet. And then we both feeling wet. And then others where I blow a load on her face or her tits. Either way just that thought or the thought of her hours later or days later, just thinking about the great sex we've had, or telling her girlfriends about like how she loves the mental feeling of my cum in her. Rubbing her stomach. I mean good god. I know I got a lot of work to do physically and mentally but I don’t want to be like Steve Carrell in the 40-year-old virgin. Last but not

Least I remember when I was 11 or 12, I saw my Moms friend Amy topless one time while she was changing in the bathroom. Probably the first set of boobs I’ve ever seen. I mean yes it sounds weird but I was 11 or 12. When I was just slowly coming into my own. Not as stupid and confused as I ‘am now. Plus, I mean it’s my mom’s best friend so yes, it’s weird and it’s not. It would be weird now but well yes. Plus, as I’ve gotten older and smarter while I still think she’s attractive and then some, she’s more of family but because of my sexual frustrations before she had two more kids, if she would’ve told me that she would’ve give me the opportunity to make love to her, I would have. That’s how much my sexual frustrations get the best of me sometimes. It’s what happens when your entire life you are surrounded by most people who either brag or talk about it and how it’s the greatest thing in the world. Other times you hear it. Saying like "Oh god I want you to fuck me." "I want you to cum inside me." "When are you going to cum on my face?" Shit like that. Do you really think I want to hear that from people I know? Or just the pleasure moan? When I HAVENT HAD IT MYSELF? Fuck no. It’s probably the one thing that pisses me off. Why I’m also frustrated. Because I’m 24 and well yes, I have needs. I even remember getting turned on or frisky because of scenes I see on TV. Especially cartoon scenes such as Marge Simpson getting banged by Homer. Cartmans Mom from South Park who is a major slut getting fucked by many different men. Leela and Amy. And then the hottest one is Lois Griffin. Whether it’s with Peter or the few times she came close with Brian or with other guys like with Bill Clinton. I guess my time will come when it does I guess. Now onto the relationship part of it.

 Relationship

Now that I’ve gotten the sex part out of the way, now it’s time for the relationship part. *Sighs* This one is going be more easier and harder. It’s going to be a little bit of both. So, before I begin this part, I just want to say again that I’m on both sides of the spectrum. On one hand, I really really want and somewhat need to get laid. However, I’ve gotten that out of the way and on the other I also believe in treating a woman right. What is wrong with this world is that most of today’s society is all about fucking and getting pussy or cock. I’m not saying it’s all wrong. I mean if people just love sex and want to play the field that’s fine. Here is the issue I have before I continue. A Couple actually. Number one, everybody is like fucking everybody. Fucking for free shit. Free drinks. Fucking for favors etc. The thing that is kind of disturbing but more just stupid is when you are in a relationship. Lots of factors. If your other is cheating on you or is either a bitch or an asshole, even though I don’t endorse cheating, I guess that’s understandable. A little bit. Not much but just a little bit. Tiny tiny bit. The biggest red flag is hypocrisy, here’s why. I’ve known men and women who at one point or another are like why are all guys scumbags or why are all women sluts and bitches? Why can’t women find the right guys or vice versa? People can debate all they want and deny it. It’s the truth. Everybody will do it. Everyone has done it. I might even do it. Probably have especially when I feel I have come so close. I say all of this because I’ve known a lot of people who have done it. Fucking around behind each other’s backs. Not all but most and again I’m not the millions and millions of people. Also, yes, I do also know that there are others where the relationships are just plain and simple not healthy. Others only because of money and then there were very few that were actually real. Not all of them were fake or bad but for most of the rest there are Too many complications and too many factors to sort out. Yes, I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors. Yes I’ am Not the millions and millions of people. However I just base it on what I see, hear, and read. That being said, as much as sex pleases me and as much as I want to cum and fuck a bitch, the biggest frustration is not having somebody I don’t have to feel alone with. Someone I can cuddle with. Have intimate pillow talks with. Night drives. Walks around the city. If we want to have date night or go out and get fucked up together. Double dates. Nights at the park. Potential Hot tub nights. Making love on the beach. The whole nine yards. Jesus Christ must I fucking go on. Alright well then fucking A bro. It even frustrates me that guys who are in a lot worse shape than I’ am are getting decent looking women. Probably mostly because of the money factor. Three things true about this world. Money, Power, and Pussy. I’m not in the best shape but I’ am not in the worst shape either. It just doesn’t make sense. I mean another thing. I get jealous when I see people I know in relationships all cuddled up, kissing, hugging, pillow talking, etc. I mean holy fuck Nick and Morgan did that one time. Both of them snuggled up on the couch downstairs while I’m sitting in the recliner. Sleeping, and pillow talking, I’m sitting watching TV or playing a game. I don’t fucking remember. I Mean shit, just the intimacy of it. Now before I continue, I’m not going to go back to online dating. First of all, we shouldn’t have to pay money to find love. Tried that once. Second, Kind of was temporarily seeing someone kind of. Then her and her ex got back together. Third, well that’s it. I Can’t even begin to try to tell you how many times I’ve tried to get noticed. Dress nice. Get in better shape. Never fucking worked. Never I tell you. Don’t believe me? Fine but that’s something I’ am not going to lie about because it is the truth. It’ s like they immediately saw something right through me. Like they saw the monster in me. It was a definite confidence booster. I mean shit, while I’m not going to be all lovey dovey and shit, I’m not a bad guy. I am not fucking rich. I don’t party every goddamn night. I’m not a scumbag who acts like he cares but then just ditches you right after I fuck you. No no no. That is not me. I’ am honest when I say 1. Brother got to get laid. Brother needs to get some pussy etc. 2. I Also want someone I can cuddle with at night. Talk about our day. Watch movies with when we just feel like having a night at home. Order takeout. Etc. The intimacy behind it. Is that wrong? Is that really wrong for me to want that? For me feeling like I’m sick and tired of having to witness something I haven’t had the experience of doing myself? Being Jealous? Thinking that my manhood is in question big time because of it? I mean come on. *Sighs* I mean it is frustrating. On one hand, I think that god is making this happen for a reason. Maybe my time is coming. Someone beautiful and special is coming. Who is perfect for me? I don’t know but until it happens, I’ am always going to have questions. Really, I’m just sick of being the Third wheel. That’s just the way it is.

  First few Years in Austin

          *This one is kind of a short chapter. Not tiny but not super long.

                                 Chapter Song: T.I.- Love This Life

                            Chapter Song: Justin Timberlake- Mirror

 Before I came to Austin, I was very messed up. Before I came to Austin, I didn’t eat real healthy. Before I came to Austin, I didn’t know who I was. Before I came to Austin, I wasn’t able to become the person I am today. Was it scary to move from a small town to the big city? Oh yes. One of the Scariest things ever. Especially when it’s a new adventure in a new city that outside of your father and stepmoms house and the few places you went with them, it was unfamiliar territory. However, while I may have had my love-hate relationship with the city, it has become my home. It’s not a perfect home. It ain’t no Dallas, or Miami but it is my home. A lot of what I say is due to concerns and what I see. Trust me, I’m still going to have my issues with this city but at the end of the day coming here to get better was one of the best decisions I have ever made even if it didn’t come easy.

              When I first came here, I didn’t have a lot going for me. I didn’t know much people. I didn’t have anything established. No hang outs, no connections, nothing because I was still so used to being locked up in my room. I also was very messed up because of my home life from Missouri. Especially because of the fact I didn’t have much friends. I never was invited anywhere to do anything. Most of the time it was because people felt sorry for me or were using me. Well while nothing really got going for me until 2014, I did make some progress in some other areas. I used to hate flying but guess what I got over that fear. Because of it, it lead me to one of my favorite places and also what was my future home that being The DFW area (Got a story on that here in a minute). I used to be afraid to ride public transportation, now I’m not. Now I just hate it and its annoying. Especially with all the fucking homeless people or drug attics. It’s also annoying because of traffic and sometimes the fucking drivers stop to text their fucking booty calls or whatever, we have places to be. Yes, I know what people are going to say, why don’t you have your license? I have my permit but due to a lot of things that either A. Have been explained throughout this book? And B. That people may not understand, it has taken me longer. I have practiced quite a bit. It’s not like I don’t want to get my license, I’m too the point where I do need too. However, I need to get better in my head first then I will. Luckily thanks to my time at Austin Driving School (Which I passed with Flying Colors) and also thanks to the help of one of my favorite people, Mr. Lowe, I was able to get a certificate from Austin Driving School and also get the basics down which I still have and I still think about to this day here and there. So once some complications that have been happening for the last little pass then I’ am going to get back into it. I’m ready. I need it for the future and plus it has been long enough. The eating healthy part, at first my old man and my stepmom had to cut it very small and blend it in with some of my food and I didn’t know that I was eating it. It worked. After a while I was eating new things that I have never eaten before. The only things that I still hate veggie wise to this day is cucumbers and sometimes tomatoes. Cucumbers make me gag and I’ve thrown up a couple of times because of cucumbers and dill products while Tomatoes I can eat but better when they are small.

             I took the year off when I first got here as a reward for surviving high school. Since I didn’t have a lot going on again, I either A. hung out in my room or B. Learned the ways of doing household chores. About a year later, I took a semester of College at ACC. One of the local community colleges here in Austin. I gave it a shot because hey it is college, why not? Well I did it and I passed the one course I took with flying colors. The office process was a pain in the ass and one of the worse experiences I’ve ever gone through. After my one course during the one semester in 2012, I realized that right now that was not for me. Now I’m not ruling out going back one day, however after the bad experiences me and my father had and the constant back and forth maze we had to go through thanks to the administrations bullshit communication process especially with the disabilities office where they just look down on you like you are nothing, I decided eh nooooo thank you. I’m not going to go to a community college where they treat you almost the same as you were treated growing up in public schools. Plus with the way the rates were, hundreds and hundreds of dollars for just one course, I’m sorry especially with me not making any money from working, I’m not going to have my father pay hundreds of dollars just for me to go to a shitty community college like ACC where they are terrible with communication and the front offices treat you terribly. If I do go back to college, it will be when I’m in a better place in my life. When I have gotten more accomplished like my license or have been able to have experiences like most of today’s young folk had. Relationships, sex, be able to make more memories, etc. Most importantly it will be either in Dallas or Miami, which is where I want to be at one day probably the most. I also don’t want to waste my time just studying studying studying. Blah blah blah. Let me tell you, I’ am not a big studier when it comes to tests and shit especially if most of the shit that you are studying isn’t going to be the test. That is what my entire life was back in the day even despite the fact I was and I still don’t know why, I was in special ed classes. I get that they were to help me be able to graduate high school but it has held me back from so much. It was a downfall. It was a confidence subtractor. My experience at Rio Grande in the one semester I was there was alright. Loved my professor. Temporarily had a study partner somewhat of a friend even though he missed a shit ton of class which after a while I was left by myself…. again. The greatest thing I did was defy the system and during every test or exam, I never once went to the disability offices and I ended up passing with flying colors. So, if I were to go back to ACC it’s either going to be Rio Grande or Bust. Otherwise it is going to be way down the road when I go to back once I’m in a way better place in my life which I’m getting too but I still have a long way to go and it won’t be here. If it is, Rio Grande or bust. So, I’m proud of that. Also, unless the government decides to make community colleges or universities tuition free, that is another reason why It will be way down the road because hundreds close to 1000 dollars is just not worth it. They still made us pay even though I had disabilities. I’ am proud though that I was able to pass a college course which is one that if and should I decide to go back to school someday to resume my quest to become a writer I’ll be able to take some more courses (As long as ACC doesn’t fuck me on that). So that’s enough on that.

                    However, if there is one thing I will say that I’ am thankful for when it comes to my experience during the semester I took of ACC, it led me to one of my hangout spots that is still one of my top spots to this day. That being my Starbucks on 6th and congress. Which is where I met some of my people that I’ve hands down known the longest since I have been here. That being Mark-Ryan, Julian, and Durgan. Now Julian still works at Starbucks. Mark-Ryan and Durgan however are not there anymore but they aren’t too far 😊. I still see them pop in here and there. That’s ok though because I met some pretty amazing people (you know who you are) since who not only are my people, not only my friends but I consider them part of my family. We have our own little family and while we know when to be serious we also know when to have fun.

                Now for my favorite story that is most memorable. Do you all remember when I said if it wasn’t for my fear of flying I wouldn’t have been able to be taken to one of my favorite places. Also one that is one of my future homes. What is that place you ask? Well I guess if you haven’t seen it already, that is the Dallas-Fort Worth Area. The story I’m about to tell you is definitely one where I conquered my fears. So, it was November of 2011. Days before thanksgiving. I was going back home to Missouri for the first time since I’ve moved earlier that summer. I was getting ready to leave Austin. It was raining hard to the point where we were delayed getting out of ABIA (Austin Bergstrom International Airport) well little did I know it was raining hard in my hometown of Branson which is where originally, I was supposed to fly too. However, plans changed and instead my flight was rerouted to Springfield. What did that mean? Well It meant that I was going to be a little bit longer getting home back to Missouri plus I now had a layover at Dallas Fort Worth International. I was flying by myself unfortunately and plus it was my first time going to an international major airport like Dallas Fort Worth. It was nerve wracking at first but it was one of my proudest accomplishments yet. Plus, that night was the night I realized, shit this could be my home one day. Why? Well before I get back to the story, I always believe in people having legacies in their own cities. My father has a legacy here in Austin and one before that in New Orleans. My Uncle Dave in Houston. Veronica in CoMo (Columbia, Missouri) Caitlin in West Virginia. ETC. Back to the story, I got into DFW around 5pm. I had several hours to kill so I explored the airport. Plus, I needed to figure out how the hell to get to my gate. It was nerve wracking at first. Being in such a huge airport such as DFW especially with where I was at in my life. Well although we were delayed getting out of DFW up until about 9:45pm, I was able to learn by myself how to navigate around the airport such as the Skylink Metro train etc. Ever since then, I love going to DFW. Every time I go somewhere via Flight, I always want a layover in DFW. Yes, it is weird that I love an airport so much but I just do. One of my proudest accomplishments came there that night. Why is it I love DFW especially? Well I’m not going to go into a big big thing about why but let me just say this. 1. Nighttime at DFW is just absolutely breathtaking. I just love the atmosphere. Something about it just brings peaceful vibes. Two. Once again I’ am such a sucker for scenery. If a place or area is just absolutely breathtaking to me, it will immediately be added to my list of my peaceful happy at ease places. Three. I’ve also had some of my greatest experiences at DFW. I especially love just looking out the windows at night at Grapevine or riding on the metro at night whether it’s raining or looking at the moon. I don’t know. There is just so much to it but it’s the fact that it was a place where I had one of my proudest of moments at and just yeah. However, it is now not the only place that I’m at peace at now. There are more. What are they? You will see but yes Dallas Fort Worth International/The Entire DFW area of Dallas-Fort Worth-Arlington-Grapevine is at the top of my peaceful happy places.

 So, you see, I have had some of my defining turn around moments since I have been here. It wasn’t easy at first leaving home. Every time I left, it took me about a week to kind of stop being homesick and as more and more time passed each time I left home, it became easier. As much as sometimes I am pissed off with the direction of this city, I ‘am thankful for how much it helped me grow and wake up. To Where my life just isn’t all about what it used to be growing up. Video Games, wrestling, sports, etc. Other than those and the constant complicated relationship I had with my stepmom, things really didn’t start to pick up until 2014 where the real journey started but then my biggest tests and trials started in 2015. Which is what we are about to get into coming up here soon. Are you ready?

                                                   Me vs Amanda

                       Chapter Song: Odd Future- Snow White

    To be honest, I pretty much compare my relationship to my stepmom like James Comey and Donald Trump’s rivalry.

Alright before I begin this one, I’m going to go ahead and give a fair warning right now. This next chapter is going to be really graphic like really really uncensored so viewer discretion is heavily advised. This next chapter is about my stepmom and my time with her. Let me go ahead and get this out there. Once again, was I perfect? No. Did I have my fair share of moments where I was being an ass? Yes. Did we have our good moments? I’ll admit yes but rarely to all of those. Otherwise let me just say this but I’m going to say this in the form of a question. Does anybody know what it is like to live with somebody who pretty much resented you even though she was angrier with the other person in the house? If you do, well guess what, you’ve came to the right place because I feel you. Why? Because I went through that with my stepmom. Sit back, relax, and have some popcorn because this story could very well be interesting or funny or both or neither and maybe something else. I don’t know yet. What I will say is that this used to be a big stress of my life. I used to have to be on my guard because of my stepmom. I hate to say this, and this is going to be mean but almost like Donald Trump. She almost was unpredicted like how Donald Trump is, you just never know. Before I start, I do want to say I do wish her well in the future. However, this is my book, this is my rules. I can do whatever the fuck I want. At least I’m not using her full name. I could but I’m not going to. I know what people are going to say, I should probably not use her in this but I’ am going to. Why? Because I literally did always have to stay on my guard with her. It was a fucking nightmare. Let’s begin.

                  Alright, now to start this off I know what she is going to say should she read this. She is going to be all like ‘’I was good to you!!’’ ‘’We had a great relationship!!!” I’m sorry but no we did not. It was not great at all for the most part. If we did, it was rarely. Most of the time, you were not good at all. I always had to be on my guard with you. Did I have my moments? Yes, I did. I’ll admit that. I definitely wasn’t an angel but I was a lot better than you most of the time thought I was. Otherwise it was you bitching me out. You being a hypocrite. Always thinking I’m making an excuse one after another. Rarely and I mean so fucking RARELY did you apologize or appreciate the things I’ve done. So many other things which is why yes, I did compare you to Donald Trump. You think that you were the victim in all this? I’m sorry but you are far from being the victim. Like I said again and I’m going to say it again. I do wish you well. Before I continue, I do wish you well and I’m thankful and I’m appreciative for all that you did do for me and all the good rare times we did have. However, please for fucks sakes please stop criticizing my father for who he dates. He wasn’t the one that wanted this in the first place. It was you. He gave you multiple opportunities for an out. Also, anything I told you about my father, don’t fucking throw it back in his face. Yes, I was pissed at him for the way he was acting that Wednesday I called you and yes, I was losing it but let’s be honest, he pisses me off sometimes and I piss him off but he was and always has been good to me at the end of the day more than you. You think I’m done? Hah not even close. You finally get what you want and that Is a kid. With who? With your ex-boyfriend who you haven’t seen for the first time in 10 GODDAMN YEARS and here you are bitching my father out. If you didn’t want this in the first place, then you should’ve gotten your head out of your ass. This is on you and yet I don’t understand why he has to pay you a shit ton of fucking money when this is what you wanted. I hope you do well in Virginia but I’m just going to go ahead and say it. The one thing that we did have in common was our love for the dogs. Yes, I know I don’t come by and see them much anymore. It’s not that I don’t want to and it’s definitely not because I don’t love them anymore. I do. I think about them every day. It’s because of a lot of things that you failed to understand or failed to choose to understand back in the day, I’m trying to get better and if I see them, it will remind me of what I lost and it will then depress me. As long as my dogs (Yes, I’m still calling them my dogs too because I helped raise them both especially Leia since she was a puppy) are taken care of, they are treated well by your new dude, and not neglected then I don’t have a major fucking problem with you. However, if I find out and I have my ways of finding out, that any of my fears come true, I’m bringing them home with me and if I have to fight my father and make some sacrifices so be it. That’s how much I mean what I say and that is how much I love those dogs that I’m ready to do such. If you don’t think that I can do it or raise them myself, watch and I will prove you wrong just like how I always find a way to prove everyone else wrong so if you are somehow reading this, think about what I said. Last but not least, if you have a problem with who he’s dating then you should’ve waken the fuck up. His new lady actually respects me and didn’t make me feel uncomfortable since day 1. I mean I’m always going to have questions though especially when it has happened your entire life, came in and loved me for me she did. Didn’t try to force anything down my throat. Doesn’t fucking police me and doesn’t try to be a dictator to me. Where nothing I say doesn’t matter. With her it does. With you unless it is a rare moment where you are backed into a corner and yes there are some rare moments where you shocked me and actually where there, otherwise most of what I said didn’t matter to you. You say you don’t want me to go to my father or didn’t I should say now, then you should’ve gave me a much safer place to come to you. You say you don’t want issues and you want me to come talk to you one minute and then the absolute next, I try and you just pushed me away because the business was more important or you just plain and simple didn’t want to hear what I said. I love ya always but I also don’t like you as well. It’s why I didn’t like you A LOT!!!!!!

            Alright now that I’ve gotten that out of the way, especially because I needed to do the whole I’m a lot smarter than you think I’ am move because I know the playbook by now, now it’s time for me to do some of the good and then I’m going to do the not so great moments. Let’s start with the good. Obviously, our love for the dogs. Yes, we have sparred over it but at the end of the day our common love for the dogs is one thing that brought us together. Another and probably the only one I can remember unless she has some that she actually remembers, is that for a while, Friday nights were our only great nights. We would have dinner. Something good and we would have shows’ on Netflix that we liked. Daredevil, Agents of Shield, Trailer Park Boys, just to name a few. Friday nights were the nights where we actually didn’t want to kill each other. Literally speaking. Otherwise most of the time, we would be sparring verbally. There a few more but honestly, I don’t remember. If she remembers some, alright cool let me hear it. But that is how rare it was for us. Oh, wait I did forget obviously Pirates passing brought us together temporarily and then we went to a WWE Raw event one night that was fun. Otherwise, that’s what it was, we were at each other’s throats.

             When I say it wasn’t easy, I mean it wasn’t. I really mean what I say when I was on my guard or had to be most of the time. I really don’t know how to describe it except most of the time when she was mad or frustrated, she rarely got mad at my father. She never got mad with our workers. Never got mad or took it out on her friends or family and I MEAN HER FAMILY AND FRIENDS!!! You know who she took it out on most of the time? Me. Yes, I said it. You think I’m making this up? I’m not. It’s another reason why I still am battling anxiety. It is a part of why I have distrust. Why I always say the damned if I do, damned if I don’t because with her it was constantly damned if I do, damned if I don’t. In case anybody hasn’t seen it already, she is one of the reasons why I used to beat myself with my belt. Why I used to choke myself with my belt and yes at one point a long time in my life, I did try to end my life. She wasn’t THE reason but she was a reason why I did do that back then. I mean I seriously thought I was done with the woman figures in my life issues from what I went through with my mom but unfortunately, I was not. I mean I had to literally be on my guard almost every day with her. I even at one point or another had to do what James Comey is doing with Trump and that is documenting everything I do in the house because otherwise it would be, oh I’m never helpful and I’m always lazy and I don’t do anything. Yeah, I did that. It almost came close to the point where I came very close to recording her secretly. Shit I didn’t but I remember one time she told me that she did. She even one time during an argument took a picture of my face just so she can rub it in about the look on my face.

And you see where I get the accountability factor where if people don’t take accountability for their shit and just 100 percent put It on me, I do get pissed. I came close to breaking her phone and that was one of the first moments where I came close to knocking the bitch out. Again, I don’t normally condone violence against women, especially because I know a lot of cool women. Family friends, Camille, the ladies that are part of my Starbucks family, etc. The last thing I want to do is offend them or make them afraid of me. That is what I do not want to do. Especially because they are really good people. Not perfect but they are great. I do love them all to death like family and nooooo to anybody out there who thinks I’m trying to be eager for the perfect moment, that was old me. This be new me now. So that’s why I say on one hand, I don’t condone violence on Women. I think it is wrong. However, my stepmom was an exception. I never did but I came close. I mean real close. It’s what happens when I get pushed over the edge. Look I get that sometimes she had to be tough on me when I first came to Austin. I wasn’t where I’m at now if it wasn’t for that. I’ll give her props on that. There were things that she in a way had to push me to do, I’ll thank her for that. If it wasn’t for her, I wouldn’t have been able to do some of what I was able to do if it wasn’t for her. Blessing me with the dogs, I’ll thank her for that too. However, she is not the entire reason of how I got to where I’m at. That is on me and a lot of other things. Those dogs and the fact that my father at the time was in love, also that I always hated the thought of him alone even though I was there, haunted me. It is what kept me from hating her 100 percent. It was close very very close. If I didn’t have the dogs or if she didn’t know my father, if she was just some bitch on the streets etc. then I would have the freedom to go apeshit. I do now, now that her and my father are no longer together and now that I have Camille in my life. Does not mean that things will be perfect between Camille and I? No. Sometimes I do worry and sometimes I do have concerns and anxiety of making sure I don’t piss her off but the fact that Trust was already built since Day 1, I know that should we have a situation, it will be quickly resolved. That’s how confident I ‘am. Doesn’t mean that my anxiety about it sometimes will go completely away. Trust me, I know, and I already have my scenarios for if that time comes. Look I never wanted this to happen, I did the best I could to try to make this work. I know she did too. Although it was me more. Trying to be calm. At first, I always was trying to please her and I always had to think she was right but clearly, she wasn’t. If anything, yes, I started to Defy her a little bit. Because I was sick of it. There is more. However, a lot of it I’m not going to say. What I will say to end this chapter is this. Her family (Mainly her mom and Dad), I love them a lot. Her father especially. Just wanted to get that out there too. However, I’m just going to say it right now. If she didn’t act like a hypocrite where one minute she said she would rather me go to her than my father and then the next minute she basically goes the opposite and I don’t even get my fair chance to say what I have to say, if she just appreciated me a little bit more, stopped thinking that I was such a bad kid or whatever to be around and she did. May not have said it but she did say things close to it. I mean I don’t know where else to go. I’ll give you two more examples because this is a tricky subject to talk about. One, there was this one time where she pretty much said do my chores and we will be fine? Ok well first of all, it’s like I was fucking Cinderella and she was the wicked stepmother who wouldn’t let Cinderella go to the ball. The chores weren’t always perfect but goddamn it at least I did it. Most of the time almost every morning, she would literally pretty much inspect it like I had to pass. It was a pain in the ass and it was stressful. Especially it almost felt like I was being policed. Every fucking time like she thrived off of it. She said that her parents being tough on her worked? Well sorry sweetheart it didn’t work, and it won’t work on me. She says she knows my situation, but she doesn’t and that is another of many reasons why I’m writing this book because she is an example of I’m done holding things in. Although she is not in my life anymore. Two, she wanted to be a mom so bad even though it was one for her own but yet most of the time it was hard for someone else, especially me. Pretty much she was being tested. She did not do well at all for the most part. It was fucking hell. I didn’t want to defy anybody but again it’s what happens when you had enough of the bullshit. Her finding ways to bitch me out. Most of the time when I try to explain something, I end up being wrong and she’s always right. Especially when we have a situation and she’s giving me attitude like I have to be positive or like how I put it ‘’happy chipper feeling good yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah” aka the same thing that makes me want to blow my fucking brains out especially when people try to shove that down my throat which I cannot stand by no means. Shit at my father’s 40th birthday, we were at it but of course she was kissing his ass so she can be the good one and I was putting it aside because I don’t want my father’s 40th to be ruined. I even got drunk that night and almost made a move on my father’s friend Anna. I didn’t but I came close. It’s how upset I was that night and how depressed and anxious I was. I Got drunk. A Few times throughout, I got drunk because of her. I mean messed up. I always put it aside for my father but I just had enough. There’s a story in the 2016 chapter that will tell you exactly that. But the other quick one, one time in 2014, we went at it all because she was trying to tell me what to do with my phone although she wasn’t the one fucking paying for it. It was bad. The 2016 one was worse because I literally wanted to murder her after it. I would have, had something happened to my father. What I’m saying is it felt like an abusive relationship. Not psychical. That would’ve came from me had she actually followed through with coming at me. But it was hardcore mental with a few rare and I mean really rare really really rare good moments. I mean shit why did I almost came close to killing myself and ending my life? Hmmmmm? That was then. This is now. Now I’m not afraid to stand up for myself. I do wish her well.

One more time, again I wasn’t perfect, but I did the best I could despite a tricky very rocky subject where although she was mad and angry at my father, she ended up taking it out on me instead. It wasn’t easy to live with someone who pretty much showed signs of resentment towards you. The summers that I came up here, it wasn’t easy but not as bad. Living, it was a fucking nightmare. All I wanted was to feel cherished, respected, appreciated, etc. I tried to do that for her but after a while I stopped because I just had enough. I guess I just don’t know then huh?

 ------------------------------------Lacey: The other one that got away -------------------------

 Remember how earlier I said I had feelings for Marisa growing up? She was the one from back home. Well I got another story. About another girl. This time somebody I knew from here. Her name was Lacey. She's also somebody I met from My hang out days at Bikinis but unlike Brittany, I had feelings for Lacey. Inside and yes, I thought she was damn attractive. Yes, I even had thoughts of it being my first time. I am not going to lie. Somebody I was close with temporarily. Especially after we went to an NBA playoff game. Here's the kicker before I continue, it was a Spurs vs Mavericks playoff game. She was a spurs fan and I of course with my love of the DFW area was a Dallas Mavericks guy. It was Wednesday April 30th, 2014. It was game 5 of the 1st round and of course my Mavericks lost. We had ourselves a little friendly rivalry but that's not why I had a thing for her. This story was a little complicated. Many factors. Where we were at in our lives. Misinterpreted signs. You name it. At the end of the day though, it was just another bump in the road in my journey to grow. Another experience that I had to learn from to continue to grow. So, what happened was, originally, I was supposed to go with my old man to San Antonio for that game. Unfortunately, he had an opening for one of the restaurants he did work for he had to go too. Him and my Ex stepmom actually. I tried to look for people who wanted to go because I really like REALLY wanted to go. A fucking NBA playoff game? How often can you say hey I went to a fucking NBA playoff game? Not a whole lot of people. Luckily, we had a great deal. This was during my before I became more invested in College hoops and of course my guys. This was during my OH MY GAWD NBA SEASON hype days. Luckily, I had one person who wanted to go. That being none other than Lacey. Oh my god Ya’ll if you saw how attractive she was, plus how beautiful her personality was, you would be like holy fucktards that's like the perfect trifecta. A beautiful (Non-10 esque) woman with a great personality. Of course, while yes I thought she was HAWT this was during the pre-stages of where I ‘am at now where Some of my stress and frustrations build from the fact that yes I have yet to have sex. Sex wasn't necessary but the truth is I really did like her. There is a different reason but nothing to do with Looks. Not her personality as well. She did have somewhat of a dark side. However, I'll get to that here in a minute. So, I invited her and of course she said fuck yes. I was excited. Both were of course. The day comes. Several days prior, was trying to make arrangements to find a place to crash at in San Marcos. Luckily, I had some close family friends of ours of course. Why was I staying there? Well because Lacey lived in San Marcos at the time. She was attending Texas State. Of course, my loser ass wasn't attending college. That's all right because right now where I'm at in my life as long as that shit is expensive the way it is, I'm not going. Besides as stated Earlier, I don't want my life to be all about schooling and the community college here in Austin Sucks balls. Especially The disability offices. After our bad experience with the one on north ridge, it kind of ruined it for me. I don't remember a whole lot except the entire administration was terrible at communications and the aids were just not pleasant. I mean Rio Grande was pretty cool the only semester I went. I loved my instructor, Professor Martinez. She was awesome. Luckily, I passed that class with flying colors. Of course, there are a lot of experiences that I never got to have. So, I figured ehhhhh I'm going to wait. It was great to have it under my belt but right now it's not for me. The day I do go back, I want to be at a better place in my life. I pray that it becomes tuition free one day and then of course it may or may not be ACC. Because I don't want to be in Austin forever. Any who that's not important. That's not the point of this chapter. I got off track just a tiny bit. Back to what I was saying, as I was saying she was living in San Marcos and the game was in San Antonio. I'm very lucky I had some close family friends of ours who live in San Marcos as well. I didn't want her to have to give me a lift all the way back to Austin. Just wouldn't make sense. Especially because also my loser ass still doesn't have his driver’s license. I have my permit. Thank god. But license still no. I will get it one day. Soon. Unfortunately, the world just had other plans for me first. Which sucks but at this point it is what it is. I did something that not a lot of people would do. I ended up heading all the way down south to Southpark Meadows because I also wanted to make it easier on her without her having to go into the depths of hell that is Downtown Austin and the traffic or to my house all the way on the North side. I get down there but of course that's not where I'm meeting her. I end up meeting up with her on the west side of Southpark Meadows. Way west near Dripping Springs. Wasn't in Dripping Springs but instead it was in a little area called Escarpment. I ended up meeting her at the Starbucks on Escarpment. Here's another kicker I ended up walking all the way to Escarpment. Took me about 3 hours especially because it was 3 miles. It was a hot day in April. Damn it though it was worth it plus again it's a rare occasion when you get to do cool stuff like go to an NBA game, plus it was with someone who I ended up liking a lot, and I also didn't want to pressure even though I ended up paying for everything that night. Gas, Food, beers etc. It was a once in a lifetime opportunity and I wanted it to go well. I get over there. I'm sweaty as shit still in my Mavericks Gear. I wait about 40 minutes but it was worth it. The walk gave me a shit ton of exercise. Something that I need to start doing more of today like present time. Unfortunately, I don't especially because of some inner demons but that comes later. That's not the Jist of the chapter. Back to it though, it was also worth it because I got to explore a lot of areas. Plus, it was the first time in my 3 years at the time where I was in the way south part of Austin in the Southpark Meadows area and as stated earlier in the book, I ‘am a sucker for great scenery. It can be anywhere. UT Clock Tower, Frank Erwin Center overlooking Downtown Austin, Southpark Meadows, Deerfield Beach in the Miami/South Beach Area in Florida, Dallas Fort Worth International Airport. If it is a great area and something about it, chances are I'm going to become a lover of that area. That's what Southpark Meadows became to me and all the areas close by ever since that day. That's just me. About 40-45 minutes later, Lacey shows up. Good lord she looks beautiful. Her light red short curly hair. In her spurs Gear. Immediately we gave each other shit but in a good way cause hey the Spurs and Mavericks were rivals. Only difference is…...I don't hate the Spurs. I like them too. Just when they are not facing my Dallas Mavericks and I guess now my eastern conference team Miami Heat. Any who that however is not how I kind of developed feelings for her. How that immediately happened was while we were on our way to San Antonio. On our way to San Antonio, we just started to get to know each other. As we continued the drive, we realized that we actually ended up having more in common than we thought. Our backgrounds. Our pasts, yes even psychical issues. I even told her a lot about my past and likewise with her. Yes with her as well, I did the whole stupid family bullshit. Deep down though I did like her a lot. She was someone who basically was like another Marisa. Someone who I felt accepted me for who I ‘am. Only difference was she had some issues of her own. So yeah that was the moment I once again had really strong feelings for someone. Of course with her I tried to do better in not coming off so strong. Of course later on like a month down the road, I opened my mouth but to other people again. Now this time though I did feel like and yes noticed that she was kind of giving me signs so in my defense a little bit, I thought maybe this could be it. Like oh my god but only this time I had to be more like cool and Zen about it. Cause as history shows, I accidentally even though 100 percent unintentionally always gave come across as overwhelming and kind of a creep. I'll get to that here in a few minutes. It's getting close but not there yet. So anyways, yeah we kind of developed a connection. Hopefully she wasn't playing me because of the amount every time I tipped her at my old hang out spot. That's what I ‘am hoping didn't happen. If it did then yeah it would suck but otherwise it wouldn't surprise me. I wouldn't get angry. For the most part I think I ‘am way past a lot of the showing the how Much I'm pissed off. Doesn't mean that what I've been feeling is going to go away. It may never go away. But the only thing we can do it get it under control to where it's not consuming us. Yes, though it doesn't mean that it's the bibidibabadiboo that will make your shit go away. The only thing that you can do is to make it into an asset to make you the best version of yourself that you can be and to make yourself better every day. We continue the drive. It was very pleasant. We get there to the AT&T center about an hour and a half later. We had to fight some traffic, but we were lucky to get there in time. We arrived with about 20-25 minutes to spare. Our seats were in section 222 about a couple of rows over from the HEB fan zone concourse area. So that was nice. We got some pictures together. Had a beer and got some snacks. She got a funnel cake if I’m not mistaken. I honestly don’t remember if I got anything outside of a beer. I actually waited till later on to eat. Which actually was a good idea. Especially since we had dinner at Wingstop back in San Marcos after the game was over. So, it ended up being a game 5 Spurs win. Which made the series 3-2 in favor of the Spurs. Score was 115-90 Spurs. It sucked because I was in enemy territory and I ended up having it from most of Spurs nation. Luckily it did get me prepared for the Many trips to Waco for Waco Night which has now become an annual thing with me and the old man every hoops season for when my guys play Baylor. Always one of my favorite experiences. Why? Well it will be revealed later on in the book. So yeah back to it, we left the arena. Took us about 20 minutes to leave the parking lot but of course we jammed out to some fucking great music. Some good old EDM hence the beginning of my EDM phase. So once we leave it was around 9:30. We begin the drive back to San Marcos. It’s such a beautiful night out. The moon is out. I have a moment to enjoy it and kind of just have some time to myself to think real quick. Then I get back to normal and of course we still end up having a great night. However that’s not the end of the heart to hearts. We actually had one more over dinner. Only this time it was about her concerns about her boyfriend who was in the army. She cared about him but only knew him for a couple of months yet they haven’t spent a lot of time together which didn’t make sense. What also doesn’t make sense is the fact that she was messing around behind his back. That doesn’t make her a bad person. Nobody is perfect but everybody has a dark side. I sure as shit do but the point being is she kind of gave me more signs I felt like. This was a situation over time that I felt like it was another damned if I do damned if I don’t. It happened about a few weeks later which I’m about to get into here shortly. So we get to Wingstop. It’s a beautiful night out still. Luckily its open late and plus we really had nowhere else to be. We go inside sit down and we watch some sportscenter for about 5 minutes especially since it’s on their TV. We resume the friendly shit talking because again hey hahaha She was a Spurs fan and I was team Mavericks of course. It didn’t last long and then we got back to getting to know each other. Her boyfriend as mentioned earlier is in the army and was currently serving. I didn’t remember where but I think you get my point. So she was telling me about how they met, and how she was worried about he may never come back. Which I’ll be honest on the inside on one hand, it was a little strange especially because they’ve only known each other for a month or two and it’s not like they were super close and it didn’t make sense especially because most everybody cheats. Not all but most. Now on the other hand, I do understand especially if you really do care about somebody despite the fact you still have a dark side. Which I didn’t learn much about until I started getting older and older. So I comfort her. I try to show her that I’m here for her. I didn’t necessarily care about sex well I did in general especially because I’m now 24 but I’m not like most douchebags. I also legimatelly care about someone for who they are but the one thing I always wanted in this world is just to stop losing. For people to like me for me. I mean at first yeah but once you get to know me, I ‘am actually a very great guy. Plus yes i do have some junk in the front in regard to my weight but otherwise I’m not bad looking. I know how to present myself pretty well. I’m just somewhat not good socially for the most part. I don’t know. Any who once we are done she gives me a lift back to the place I was staying at. We give each other a hug, tell each other good night and that was that. Of course she messaged me again letting me know she got home safe. That’s the one thing that is a good quality about me. I always want to make sure people that I know get to where they need to get too safely. I couldn’t sleep at all that night because I was thinking about things and of course Lacey. The next morning rolls around and this was days before my recent colonoscopy. I ride back with her to Austin because she had to work that morning anyways, so it was perfect. Unfortunately, I ended up being the third wheel and the odd man left out which was not a surprise to me after we picked up her best friend at the time Amanda. Once we get back to Austin and downtown, while they go and get ready for their shift, I quickly run over to my Starbucks to grab them some drinks. Vanilla Bean frapps. In case you were wondering where they worked, they both worked at my old Hangout spots at Bikinis on 6th street. Why do I do things such as running errands for people or treating them to something, simple. Two reasons, number 1, because that’s just who I ‘am. Also it was my way of showing that I care. That and also listening to their issues. 2. Because my father always taught me. If it’s at your spots that you hang out for hours and hours and hours at, you got to take care of your people. Show them that they are appreciated. And do nice things for them. Plenty more on that here later on. So I go get the drinks. I have connections at mine so yea. I get them and I take them back to the girls. Once I get back, I hang with them for a few minutes before i go. Something great I was able to learn is the famous shuffle. Lacey gave a demonstration and ever since then I wanted to learn the shuffle which I have learned and gotten better with over time. Still needs work but I’ve gotten better with it. Good lord Lacey looked great that day. Her smile. Her work outfit obviously I don’t want to sound creepy about the bikini I mean good lord not what I’m trying to do at all but her short jean shorts. Work Boots. Her still curly hair. Normally she wasn’t allowed to have it that way but some managers let it slide. 10 minutes later, I take off to the capital. I don’t remember necessarily if it was my father who came and got me or if I went home on the bus. Either way I went home, unwinded and prepared for prep weekend before my colonoscopy. I dominated that Sunday night of prepping. And then kicked ass that Monday. Unfortunately the end was near for me and Lacey.

Here is how it happened. So, I believe about a week later on a Friday night, I had my weekly dinner at Bikinis. Same as always. Buffalo Chicken Sandwich, cheesy fries, and yes soda. Dr Pepper. Not the healthiest but good god it tastes so good. I’ll even have a beer. Mixed in a salad or two here and there but not much. So that Friday night rolls around, of course I have a system. Instead of the term serving because I’m also there to serve in return, I call it who wants to do the honors? So I pick Lacey. It wasn’t crowded that night. Lacey and I were having a conversation about something. That I really don’t remember much about. Talked for 5 minutes and then of course I got my food. Before she went into the kitchen, she gently placed her hand on my right shoulder. I put my hand on hers and we kind of had a moment for a second and then well I kind of lost it. I started opening my mouth to multiple people because at the time I was going through a desperate phase of wanting to fulfill my needs. Wasn’t smart but at the time a lot of things were going through my mind and I thought to myself well shit is this finally time for me to have the experience I’ve never really had before. If you want to know about my stance on relationships, the full in depth, my chapter on relationships and sex will go into it. In real big depth. Because of the fact that I was anxious and the fact that deep down I was really hoping it would finally happen, i ended up fucking up yet again. So long story short cause either I don’t remember most of the rest and honestly it just didn’t matter at the point, well number 1 I did a stupid and make a video to let out some anger that I’ve been holding in. Kind of something I don’t want to get back into but ummmm well after that, it was kind of the end of the road. She reunited with her boyfriend. They moved to Maine. And well haven’t heard anything since. That’s not true, I think she moved back to Texas last I heard. I’m not sure. However, point being, that was the story of Lacey. The other girl who I temporarily had feelings for.... Who Got away.

                                         2015 Part 1 (Me vs Brittany)

                         Chapter Song: Norah Jones- Good Morning

This is the chapter I've been waiting for to be very honest. This one I hold very close and dear to my heart. This is the beginning of what has been prior to this year the hardest two years of my life. Before I begin I just want to make perfectly clear that this chapter right here is in no way blaming this person for everything that has happened. I did back then. I was lost and in rage. I didn't know what to do with myself. This was when I confronted her last year before 2016 happened. Now that my stepmom is no longer in the picture, and then some, a part of me wants to make this right the right way. Yes, I know what people are going to say. They are going to be like “Oh Sky it's been two years. Why haven't you still let this go?” Blah blah blah blah. You know what there's a difference between not letting it go and revisiting this. Anybody who wants to think that I'm not letting it go? Fine fuck you but go ahead because I don't care. I'm not going to involve anyone anymore. This is my fight and my fight alone. Before I begin, I'm here to tell you all right now that yes, I have been trying to get ahold of her here and there but it’s rarely and its only when chaos is happening in other areas of my life but I'm doing it to do the right thing and trust me I'm going to get into the entire story right here and right now. The truth is as well, I do sometimes wonder if it’s because of my actions during this whole dilemma is what caused the rest of the last two years of my life to be my worst hours yet. Not because of what she did. That doesn’t matter at this point but because of what I did. If anybody who has read this still doesn't get it and know that I'm not a bad guy and I'm not as bad as a lot of people think I’ am up to this point so far and going forward then again fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. Fuck you. One more time FUCK YOU!!!! All right, now that I've let that out. I'm going to get back to this chapter I don't know what's going to happen, we could become closer than ever before. We could somehow get together. We could just have more respect for one another. She could still hate me. I could still hate her. I just don’t know what’s going to happen. Crazier shit has happened What I know is that while I'm not going to apologize for what I felt, I ‘am here before you a humble man to say I've done some shitty things too during this whole Dilemma. When it first happened, I put the blame on her all of it. Even for my guys struggling two years ago. It was wrong, and it crossed the line. It's something I have to live with the rest of my life. Shit I even feel like some of the shitty things I did was karma coming back Why? You are about to hear all of it and I mean all of it. Ladies and Gentlemen here we go.

 It all started 3 years ago. Close to the end of 2014. It started in October. Me and my friend Brittany who were very close at the time, we were on top of the world. We would talk a lot. We would go to one another for our issues. I'll get to that here shortly in case anyone is wondering. She was someone I cared about. Who is Brittany you asked? Brittany was someone who I met at one of my old hang out spots. She worked there. It was called Bikinis. It was a sports bar here in town. Yes, I know what people are going to say, you were hanging out at a tit bar or whatever? Yes, I was. So what? I'll admit some of them I became close with but Not because of the sex frustrations. Some others yes, I did because they were attractive. I'll admit that too. Brittany was in the other category where I didn't. Maybe I liked liked her a little bit. Maybe I didn't. What I do know is the care and love for her that I felt was legit. Unlike some other people that she told me about. Especially other guys. I legitimately gave a shit about her. It was 2014. We were talking a lot. I even remember where I learned my lesson of overdoing it about talking every day or texting or whatever. Due to events from back in the day. Right around my 21st birthday we started becoming closer and closer. I remember that afternoon. I spent the day downtown at Bikinis. Watching some World Cup and having some drinks. Of course, I just got done establishing Bikinis as one of my spots by then. Although I did admit that yes some of them from back in the day were fucking attractive, others I legitimately cared about as good friends and or family. I took care of my people like I always do. I went to get them drinks from Starbucks. I was always there to listen to their problems which was fine because I showed that I care. Especially because they've always let me hang out there. I even became tight with some of the managers. Mainly Jade and Rod. Although I don't talk to them much anymore. I will occasionally if they don't hate my guts. Jade is busy with mom duties with her beautiful twins Zach and Maddie who are now 1 and I believe 2 come August and then of course Wifey duties with her beloved Eric. Rod is now the general manager at Lalas bar here in town. Not downtown but it's actually north and I believe not too far from me if I'm not mistaken and of course he's being Rod. Todd was cool and funny as shit but I don't talk with him much anymore. Nothing happened. I just I don't talk with him much anymore. Dom, I will occasionally. Corey haven't seen him in a while. Mainly Jade and Rod. Same with Karen. Actually as of Right now, Karen and Acacia also now Jade as of lately are the only ones I’ve been talking to and keeping in the most contact with the most. Any who, so my birthday we started talking a lot more me and Brittany. It was also the beginning of the sweet notes that Brittany wrote for me which I later set on fire which I will get to in a moment. Bear with me here. It was the beginning of a beautiful friendship. Over the next couple of months, we would talk increasingly. She even was my biggest supporter come the time of fantasy football season. I even remember where the day of one of my drafts came, I made her some CDs because I remember her telling me she didn't have much in her car so I took the time to do something nice for her to tell her much love and much appreciation. I almost came close to having a draft party for the first season of my DFW Nation league which Jade and Rod were a part of. Rod left before year 3 but Jade was a part of it since the very beginning. I even got her and few others some drinks. Can't remember who else was there off the top of my head. I went to my Starbucks of course. I remember her favorite drink was some sort of bean frap. Shit if we were still talking, I could easily ask her but of course we are not. So, when I came in that Sunday, I gave it to her and she was just overjoyed. We gave each other a hug, and then of course we just went back to Good ol me and Brittany being funny and then some. Things were great. October came and that was a small beginning but it really didn't start till December. October is here and this was before I left for Missouri for a few days since I didn't go in September for Danny's wedding which I now feel like a Jackass for. I went to go see him and Sam and then of course the rest of my family. We were supposed to hang out one Tuesday night. Have some one on one time outside of work. Not a date. Least that's not I was wanting and I hope she didn't think it was or thinking that I was expecting that. So that Tuesday arrives. I had to do yard work. (Ugh Yard work I hate it so much.) I was quickly raking the leaves. I had my iPod on listening to Public Enemy. I was in a Public Enemy mood. So I was in the zone the entire afternoon trying to get the stupid leaves done. We were talking throughout the entire day. About the normal shit we would talk about and of course being funny like Michael Scott and Holly from the Office. Not that we were in a relationship like they were. Oh no no no no no. Hell no. Not that I don't think she's attractive. She's cute and she's beautiful. I'll admit that. I'm not afraid to admit that at all. Besides what do I have to lose. Now I don't have any sexual attractions towards her. I didn't then and I don't now. Anybody who does not believe me can yes go to hell. Cause like with everything else I don't care what people think. Any who while we are talking, we are of course trying to figure things out for that night. Not a big deal but if there's one thing I'm very serious about it’s about time. If people are honest with me then I will understand. So 4pm comes around, I'm done with raking the leaves. I take a shower because we had plans for 7pm. I get ready because we were going to have dinner at Bikinis because she was off. Had great food obviously. Why else would I hang there? I always got a buffalo chicken sandwich. I love anything Chicken. I'd prefer that over red meat. So I get ready. Of course I don't dress super fancy cause again it's not a date. Once I'm ready I charge my phone for a little while because my galaxy kind of started to become a piece of garbage. Once it's done charging, I gather myself. I make sure I look presentable because again even though it's not a date, I don't want to look like shit. So I leave. I got on my route. I put on my headphones because I don't like talking to people on the bus although I ended up talking to this really nice veteran. Just telling me about his story. Now as long as he's not crazy or anyone for that matter and clearly, he wasn't then I'm going to listen. So about 6:30 I get off near St David's Brackenridge because I got a text from Brittany saying that she got called in and she wanted to postpone because she didn't feel like going in which of course she lied to her superiors. Now on one hand while I was open to going somewhere else, I didn't want to pressure her. So I was like that's fine. We will just do something another time probably when I come back. So I end up going anyways. Just because I had a lot on my mind. I go because the Mavericks were playing that night. They were playing Philly if I'm not mistaken. Jade was managing that night plus my former homegirl Tamra was bartending. I went and it was a great night which is what I needed especially because I did something shitty which I will get into later on in regard to why I'm going then. So after I get back from my four days, I was invited to a goodbye party for someone else who used to work there. It was not Brittany but bear with me here. It was another one who used to work there. Her name was Jaime. Good ol J-Spinn invited me. I always got along with her. However, I shouldn't have gone but I did just to be supportive. She invited me. A lot of her friends there I did not know. Vince Young was actually there. He knew her. Which was surprising but unfortunately, he was kind of a douche. Colt McCoy would've been better. Him or Justin Tucker. So, it was around 2pm when it started me. The only 4 I knew were Jaimie, Amanda, Leslie, and Tamra but even then, otherwise once again I was just the odd man out. It wasn't my cup of tea. Besides I have nothing interesting. Due to my history of either I drive people away or people just plain and simple don't like me. It was after I ended up being the 4 that I knew photographer for a few pictures but again back then I was stupid unlike now. So as soon as I took the pictures, then realized that ah fuck this this is not my cup of tea. I went up told Jaimie good luck in Nashville. Gave her a hug and then I took off. I went back to Bikinis but instead I had another hangout spot which was none other than the Parish. My homegirl at least I still in a way hope so, Karen was the lead there. She was Bartending there that day and Rod was managing. I went there to hang and have a drink. Not sure if I had lunch that day but I did go before I took off to my house. When I went, I was Wondering if Brittany was working that day. When Rod came down I asked him.

“Yo Bro, Is Britt working today?” He then said, “Nah Man, she moved!!!” I was surprised, and I was like “Really?” He confirmed it. Happened while I was gone. Of course, I wasn't mad…. yet. It's coming but not yet. So, a few hours later, I messaged her. Saying “Hey is it true you moved?” She messaged me back a yes with a sad face response. Again of course I wasn't mad because it's out of my control. She even apologized which was unnecessary. As November went on, she was having a hard time with the move and guess who she came too every damn day? Me. We talked almost if not every day. She messaged me because again I was the one who was there to answer the call when she needed someone to talk to. I don't care what anybody says, it's a goddamn fact. I wouldn't be saying that and then some if it wasn't true. So yeah, I enjoyed it. We facetimed each other a few times and it was nice. She even had a few times because of our common love of Starbucks where she would send me pics of her drinks or Her and her beautiful Dog Kenya taking Starbucks Runs. It was beautiful. Her dog Kenya was a beautiful pup. Of course, she wasn't a baby but the love that Brittany had for Kenya, it was Admirable. It was adorable. One day I was at the bar having lunch and a drink after work. My somewhat still occasional homegirl Alexis who was also close with Brittany was Bartending that day. While Alexis and I were talking, I get a phone call from Britt. Of course, again, I was happy happy happy. All was well. It's getting close to when it all changed. But any who, I answered. Britt and I were talking for a few minutes. Alexis then was telling me to tell her hi and of Course Alexis wanted to chat with her for a minute. I handed her over my phone. They talked for a minute which of course Alexis had to get off before I want to say Todd was lead that day. Last thing we needed was for Alexis to get in trouble. Before, it was discovered and I was the first to know and again this is a fact but I was the first to know That Brittany was going to be up in December for a few days. Unless there is something I don't know or people are fucking with me, it is a fact that Brittany told me 1st out of our old group that she was coming. I told others Alexis including if I'm not mistaken, she was surprised. Then of course she was excited too. So yeah there's that. I mean why else would I be the first out of our old group? I don't know what goes on behind the scenes unless I'm included or if I decided to involve myself because some shit is going on, I don't know. What I do know is that she wouldn't have told me first if she didn't come to me almost every day while she was having a hard time with the move. Now on to when it all began. December came around. I believe it was a week or two before Christmas. The time that she was supposed to come rolls around. Once she gets here, I don't hear from her for days. Which is alright. I don't really care. Last thing I want to do is pressure people. As a matter of fact, when I heard from her it was the night of a Christmas party that we were both invited too by Todd. She went. I however did not. Why? Because again I'm not a big group person. Everyone was going to be drinking. Again, I don't have a problem with that. I have more of a problem of being the odd man out sometimes because of me but others because I just don't have anything in common with people also because I have a history of driving people away apparently and I don't care what anybody says. History has a factor to do with it. History will always have a factor to do with anything. So before she went out and besides I was having a bad night with my old man and my stepmom, we made arrangements for a quick lunch the next day. To have a couple of hours together before she took off for Houston. I wake up the next day, I get ready…. again. Although I'm not doing anything fancy. I head downtown. I take a quick walk around the capitol and I'm on the phone with my sister. It was a normal conversation. All was good. Here is where it began. Throughout the morning, I was trying to get ahold of her. I gave the space so I'm not doing it every five minutes. I was trying to get ahold of her for the time. I don't want to be late or nothing. Just like my father always does. Of course, I didn't hear from her at all that morning. I head to Bikinis (at the time I called it BKs because I didn't want to sound like a pervert. I don't know why. It's just me. It's an anxiety problem. Besides I wasn't like other scumbags who went in and treated them like sex objects. I was weird in a different way, but I wasn't a scumbag. Shit why would they even tell me things that they would have to put a smile on otherwise. Because that's who I ‘am. Loving good ol everybody's best friend Sky. Looking back now there were some, not all but some who I thought were fucking gorgeous and sexy. Those are the ones who I didn't talk to a lot or haven't kept in touch with in years. That's fine. Those however who I became close and tight with like My Homegirl Acacia and Karen who as of right now are the only two I keep in touch with the most out of anybody they were beautiful especially personality wise.) I went to have a drink. It was dead that day. It was just My Homegirl at the time Tina and Elissa working. Todd was managing. I went to hang out with Tina for a little while. Tina was the first person I befriended back in the day. Yes, she was gorgeous and attractive. I'll admit that. However, because I was trying so desperately hard to make friends and not lose them especially in a city that I was still trying to get used too even though it's been 3 years since I moved there at the time. Here is where it all began. I was talking with Tina. It was about 2:30pm. I went to the bathroom to take a leak. Of course, thank god, I can leave my stuff behind the bar. It’s what happens when I take care of my people. I get special privileges that no one else gets. I'm in the bathroom for about a minute and then I come out. My phone Buzzes. I get it out and I check it. It was a message. Are you ready for this? Are you sure? Last chance? Ok here it is. It was Brittany. I check the message and here's what it said. The message was:

“Hey Bubs, I just woke up. I’m going to have to postpone again. My grandma is in the hospital and I need to head back. I'm so sorry. I promise you we will have a rain check.”

 I'm not sure and I don't remember the exact message. If I did I would Reedit it. So, I apologize if well yes….no shots at anybody. It was close but I know for a fact that I don't remember the exact words. However, I then thought to myself well wait a minute. Something isn't right. There were some red flags. Number 1, I saw that she was up all morning. I don't even have to look on IM on purpose to see that she was on too. Second, I have sources who confirmed with me that she was at Target. Third if I remember correctly there was even a pic of her at Target. Don't hold me to that. It's not for certain. But the point is, I caught her in a lie. A couple lately plus when it happens more than once, something is not right. So yes, I got pissed. I told her how I felt. I was mad for a little while. Oh, if you think that's the moment where I got even worse, I haven't even gotten started yet. So, a month later comes, I meet with Alexis for lunch one day. To talk about it. I don't necessarily remember why. Looking back at it now, I didn’t necessarily remember why I needed too but unlike back then, now I'm not stupid. Now I'm a lot smarter than what a lot of people think I' am. However, it happened. So, what happened was at the time before Alexis and I had it out for one another, we were tight. Believe you and me, we went at it. A lot. I wasn't always right but I damn sure wasn't always wrong. She wasn't always wrong but she damn sure wasn't always right. That's not what this chapter is about. See part 2. Now back to the current time, Alexis was right about somethings. Now unless she was covering Brittany’s Ass which honestly, I would not be surprised, she did clarify the grandmother side. At the time before Alexis and I had our little situation, she was somebody who I always listened too. Alexis also told me about this little Movie/Documentary called The Secret. It was about how if you put your mind to it and fight the dark and think positive, then good things will happen. Now by no means am I saying she's wrong. It was a great movie. However, I tried it (multiple times and it didn't work). There's a lot of things that people don't understand. Like I said earlier, when more tough times than pleasant have happened…...consistently, then after a while as you get older, it gets harder to trust everything and everyone. It's not impossible to get that under control but it will not get easier. Also, growing up whenever you suffer a lot. Your home life is fucked up, people are treating you different in school, etc. all while going through said fucked up home life where your mom was unstable a lot, mentally abuses you, and forces you to be positive to shut you up or otherwise you would be in trouble. Really? Like you think that's going to help? When I'm suffering, you get frustrated because you don't know what to do…. well to anybody going forward who says that to me or anybody, here's my advice……...

1. When we say we just need you to shut the fuck up and listen for once and let us have our moments, then shut the fuck up…... let us talk. Let us vent and let us have our moments. Don't force anything down our throats. We will get over it. When you come to us, we don't judge. We let you have your moments of just letting it out. Let us have ours. When we need help, we will come to you. The biggest thing is when we are backed into a corner, the biggest help is you shutting the fuck up and give us a safe place to let it out for once.

2. When you say it's frustrating that you don't know what to do, that's not helping. It's an excuse and a way to shut us up. You think that's going to help? No that's worse. Unconditional love and support.

3. Take some goddamn accountability for once. Don't put it on us all the time. I cannot stress that enough. When we're the ones who always admit when we are wrong even if we are not at fault, look yourselves in the mirror as well. We can't control you. We can however damn sure call you out. And if we see the evidence, and it's right there in front of our eyes, take responsibility. Don't hide. It's called being a coward.

4. Again, unconditional love, support, and respect. Not everybody to me at least applies to this but a lot do. When we constantly do the best, we can to be there for others, help them, talk to them, let them have their voices, etc. We don't ask for much but the same thing in return. When others need something, and we are always there or try to be, all we ask is the same. Is that wrong? I don't think it's wrong at all. But that's just me. I'm not the millions and millions of people here on this planet. I'm not god. I'm not the leader. Trust me if I was this world would be a better place.

That's that. So, any who, I watched it from start to finish. It was good. So afterwards and this is where it really starts. I got me a juice from the store. I came home. Sat at my desk. Turned on AC/DC. Rocked out. I got on my laptop and I went on to order some flowers to surprise her at her new job. To say hey no hard feelings. I paid good no I mean damn good money to have them sent to her. I even specifically told the flower guy to follow the instructions. Do not fucking reveal my identity and yet the motherfucker did. Either that or she went ahead and read it anyway. This is where it started. I'm at work the day it happened. I get a message. It's from her. Unfortunately, it wasn't what I expected. It was the opposite of what I was expecting and yes hoping for. Again, because unless Alexis was covering for her ass which at this point I wouldn't be surprised about and yes wouldn't even be mad about, I wanted to say hey I'm sorry for being a prick. This however is where it got worse. So instead of just a thank you and hey business as usual, I kind of get bitched at. I get that ok maybe it wasn't the best idea now but back then I didn't know any better. I said I did know better but I didn't. My intentions were to do something nice to say hey I'm sorry for being a prick. My intentions were in no way, shape, or form to say hey I want to fuck you. I get where maybe yes now it kind of gave that vibe. Back then I didn’t know any better. So yes, I lost it. It gets worse in 2016 but again this wasn't the only situation I dealt with and I will continue to speak that until people do get it. Anybody who thinks that this was the only situation I dealt with, then yes, I'm going to say it that you are a moron. Also, I don't care what you think. The difference is, lately I'm now starting to realize that I wasn't completely innocent in this situation either, but I’ll get to that here in a minute. I got angry because of two reasons. 1. I don't like it when people are not honest with me and not straight with me. I'm not perfect but if people are straight and honest with me. Yes, I might get anxious. Yes, I might get mad, but you know what it's more at myself. Because yes, I know better for the most part. Somethings I just plain and simple don't know shit. However, I'm always willing to learn. Also, if anybody knew what I grew up with then you would know too. 2. All I wanted was a simple conversation. Yes, looking back at it yes, I was overwhelming. Overwhelming with the way I acted. The truth is I wasn’t able to learn easily the right way how to deal with situations growing up. I did learn but I had to learn the hard way. As I’ve grown over time, all I ask for is honesty. I’m a big boy. I’ll get over it. About a couple of nights later, I went to Frank Erwin Center (our home arena for basketball). Other little-known fact, she started temporarily started supporting my guys. I never even asked. She did, and it was great because the beginning of that season, we were doing well. Very very well. Well after the situation started and once we started struggling, I set her notes on fire. Posted a video of it (Took it down shortly after). All because I started to blame her for every time we lost the rest of that season. I mean it’s crazy but it’s true. Cause it did feel like our season that year went downhill ever since that situation started. Was it wrong? Yes, it was wrong for me to do that and blame her. The feelings were valid because my feelings were hurt. Even after she fucked up first, I also screwed up. I mean ill address this again here in a little while. The feelings were valid and are still valid on both sides. Yes, I was overwhelming back then but because I had a lot to learn and I didn’t know as much during that time that I know now. Also, a lot of things that people still don’t get. I still have a lot to learn today. We all do but I have gotten better and I felt like I’ve grown as a person. That doesn’t make me a bad person though. My feelings were valid because again look at the beginning. The flowers as well even though again I understand that maybe to her new coworkers that it gave off the impression that I wanted to sleep with her (which obviously I didn’t), I did it because I wanted to apologize for the way I acted. At least I didn’t buy her jewelry, chocolates, or a fucking stuffed bear. I could have but I didn’t because I’m a lot smarter that people think I’ am. The fact that if everything else I’ve done for her wasn’t a problem, why were the flowers? It makes sense now kind of. So yes, I blamed her, I called her a curse, I blamed her and that situation for being the cause of everything else that has happened over the past 2 and a half years of my life. Setting her notes on fire in front of Frank Erwin and posting a video bout it to send a message which I took down shortly after was clearly not the answer and to some it made me look insane. But before I get to that and by the way, few weeks ago after an unexpecting betrayal by two of my former best friends, I tried it again. I’m going to put the message that I made for her on here but before I do that, again number 1 this wasn’t the only one. Do I regret being a shittalker and opening my mouth in front of everybody that we both know? Absolutely. 100 percent. It should’ve been between just us. However again there is still a lot about me and my life and situation that not a lot of people know about including her. Even though my feelings are and were 100 percent valid and not a damn thing is going to make me think otherwise, it’s not an excuse for some of the shit I did. Yes, I have a confession, there have been times here and there really since November of last year when I did try to make peace because at the end of the day I don’t want problems with anybody. However, as I start to realize more and more, I do have a lot of regret. Sometimes my conscious haunted me in my sleep. Sometimes even when I’m busy like with a lot of things, I have flashbacks about it and some of our greatest memories. Have you all seen shows on tv that sometimes there will be scenes where you are somewhere and a flashback of anything from that place or who you are with happens then it takes you back to the current time? Yes, that’s me right there. Happens to me. I have felt a lot of times that the last two years, the hell that came along with it were because of my actions in this dilemma. Now everything else that happened in other areas, I stand by it but this situation some of the things I did.... I was wrong. If there is one thing that people should know, when I’ am wrong I will admit it and I know when I’m wrong. In this situation, we both fucked up. She has nothing to apologize for. She did last year when I was at my worse due to the situations with my family and everywhere else. Speaking of that, last year because of my situation with my home life all that will be discussed about here shortly in the next two chapters, when the beginning of my family dilemmas first started.... I started losing it on the inside and I confronted her for the first time since March of 2015. Of course, she apologized but before she revealed that I need to live a Brittany free life, she said she doesn’t keep in touch with a lot of people from Austin which obviously that was a lie at least from what I noticed etc. Everything else she was right on the money. It was wrong of me for some of the things I’ve done. At the end of the day, I want her to be happy and I wish her nothing but the best. Also, if it absolutely matters most, if she ever needed my help in a dire situation, I hope she knows that I will be there unconditionally. Before I end this chapter with the message of my final attempt to make things right but the right way, to anybody I may have annoyed with it etc., sincerely from the bottom of my heart I do apologize. Now without a doubt to put a close on this. Here is the final attempt message I wrote for her just a few weeks ago and then I recorded it just for her, but privately:

    Hey Britt

        Ha-ha how are you doing?

     Yes, I know it’s a surprise me doing this

        Especially because the last conversation we had necessarily didn’t go well

        I know what you are going to say about the I need to Live a Brittany free life.

        You are still right

     However, I’m here tonight because I’m done messaging, but I’m also done running.

    It’s time I own up to my mistakes. It’s why I feel like I have some unfinished business only this time i do it the right way and I don’t run and be afraid. Because lately my conscious has been haunting me because of a lot of things that people still don’t understand and don’t know about

  Yes, you are also right. You have your life. I also have mine.

 That’s fine

That’s never been the issue

The matter of keeping in touch was never an issue and if it was or if I made it feel that way, I apologize sincerely from the bottom of my heart.

At this point I don’t have any with you at all.

I forgive you. I forgave you awhile back after what has been a second consecutive year of hell. A summer of hell where my family fell apart

At this point you have nothing to apologize for

Now it’s my turn

Before I do that

I want you to know

I’m not doing this for any other reason but to make some of my wrongs right. I’m doing this to clear my head, my conscious and my heart.

Whatever happens happens

Whether you believe me or not.

That’s fine

I’m not asking for your forgiveness.

I’m not asking for you to feel sorry for me

I’m not asking for anybody to do that at this point cause honestly that’s not an issue

There’s more to my story that I’m learning more and more of.

No matter what I’m still going to be me

However, the only thing I’m asking is if you please find it in your heart to understand and believe me when i say that this has not been on my mind a lot since summer in 2015 and then since we last talked spring of last year.

There is a lot that happened in other areas that you do not know about.

Which is why I kind of lost myself. Which is why I was not in a good place mentally and I was hurting in my heart.

It’s also why I’ve done shit I’m not proud of including during our little situation. Which I will get to here in a minute.

As time went on and more happened, I began to lose myself more. However, I’ve also learned more about myself and became more confident to be proud of myself and to accept myself especially recently after the betrayal of two of my former best friends.

Hence the last two years and then some throughout my entire life are why i have decided to write a book on my life up to this point. Because again there are a lot of things people including you do not understand about people like me and again then some

I wanted to wait until the book to give a more grown up apology but I’m done waiting. So here it is

 Brittany,

    I’m here to tonight whether you still hate my guts or not to finally admit my wrongs. I’m not asking for us to be friends again. I’m not perfect but I did the best I could. I’m not a bad person but I know I’m in no means a golden boy Angel. I’ve done a lot of shitty things. I’ve also done a lot of good. I don’t think what others including you think. I don’t see what they see. I don’t witness what they witness. I don’t hear what they hear. Likewise, on the other end with me. I know I said a lot of shitty things. I blamed you for my guys struggles two years ago after you temporarily supported them before our situation. I called you a curse. I know there is a possibility that people may have talked. If they did well then, they were right. It’s why I’ am here tonight to tell you that despite some of my feelings that I felt from my point, how I did it was no excuse. It’s not who I’ am. I was raised better than that and looking back at it now I did know better. You are not a bad person. You are not a shitty person. I know that I was overwhelming with my whole family instantly crap when we first met. I know I was overwhelming with a lot of things. For that I’ am sorry. I’ am sorry for all the pain, stress or just anything in general that I have caused you during this situation. If there’s one thing I can thank you for, it is the beginning of a journey to make me even more stronger and better. By no means are you at fault for anything. Not for my guys struggling. Not for the last two years. None of it. I said all of that after the flower incident because I didn’t know better. I was just trying to do something nice after the first time. Back after the end of 2014. I still had a lot of anger in my heart and a battle within myself that I’ am still fighting every day, I’m not going to get into it right now. See my book when it is done. I still got a long way to go but as far as this chapter of my life goes, I’ am a man of my word when I say I have nothing bad to say about you. Not now, not ever, not in the book. I know I did during our situation. No matter what I felt during our situation, it is absolutely no excuse for some of things I’ve done and some of the things I have said. No one is perfect. I damn sure am not. You are a wonderful human being Brittany, you are full of light and gold. I’ve enjoyed some of the good moments we’ve had. You are a good person. I regret everyday some of the things I’ve done in so many areas including this one. I think you are a beautiful soul. I know I was overwhelming with my too attachment problem and my negativity. The attachment thing comes from while I was growing up with my conditions etc., Mental, and psychical, I didn’t have a lot of friends. I was at the bottom of the totem pole, bullied, etc. Taken advantage of because of my situation. Never good in groups, hence its why I didn’t show up to the Christmas party.   Growing up my home life back in Missouri was absolutely no help at all either. That’s all I’m going to get into regarding that for now. It will all be in the book in due time. That being said, no matter what has happened or what is about to happen, I accept it. I have for a while. Like I said I’m done hiding and I ‘am done running from who I ‘am. If fate one day has a plan for us to be friends again or acquaintances, then two things. One I hope I can have the opportunity to show you the real me. Cause one thing I will say is this negative side of me, I don’t like it. People say I love it but I don’t but again I hate it more than anything. However, one more time more will be in my book when it is done. But when more tough times than pleasant have happened, you start to lose trust in a lot of things. Everything and everyone. It’s not impossible to make it a little better and get it under control but it doesn’t get easier. Hence its why I used to be always eager for the perfect moment. All I wanted from the very beginning was just a fair chance to talk. I know I was overwhelming and you had every right to run. As time passed on, its why here we are here tonight. I ‘am here. A humble 24 year old. With Asperger’s and a little bit of autism, both very high functioning by the way. That doesn’t mean I ‘am capable of doing something like this cause trust me if I wasn’t capable, I wouldn’t be here tonight doing this but here I ‘am. Right now, I have been trying to right all my wrongs because it just feels like I can never do anything right. I’m damned if I do damned if I don’t. Right now, yes I ‘am more scared than ever. I’m even scared right now doing this. But I ‘am doing it to show that I still have balls and courage to stand up. Stand up for me but also own up to my mistakes. Right now, this isn’t easy. Right now, because of yet another situation. I ‘am scared and yes I do feel alone. But I’m done running. Then two, it would be an honor if when my book is done, that you would read it. I’ am doing it to take a stand for people like myself and just anybody who in general is struggling. Shit if you are struggling, then it would be perfect for you as well I’ am sorry from the bottom of my heart for some of the things I have said. Some of the things you have heard. Some of the things you may have seen. The stress I have caused you. The amount of times I may have overwhelmed you. I’m just from the bottom of my heart as a very humble man here tonight one year later after not being in a very good place in my head and my heart, very very sorry. Despite what I felt, despite the battles that I’ am still battling everyday etc., it is no excuse for some of my wrongs. That’s why I mean what I say. I know that I’ve messaged you here and there trying to apologize but hearing it from my voice is different than reading something. Last but not least and this is something I’ve told anybody in general, should the universe plan for us to be friends again and to heal the wounds, if there is an issue that you have with me, please don’t be afraid to confront me. There are a lot of things that while I’m not willing to change such as being afraid to have my voice and then some, I never want to be intimidating towards anybody who has a problem with me. I’m here to listen and while I’m not perfect, I will do my very best to work on it and to continue to be the best version of myself I can be. If I do get mad, its mad at myself. Because i do know better but also because I’m trying to beat the constant thought that I’ve had through my entire life of I’m not good enough and I can never do anything right. That is why I’ am having the courage and the confidence to do this here tonight (list current time) May 5th, 2017 for you to hear it from me. From my voice. No matter what happens next, I’m still going to live my life. I’m still going to be ok. I’m still going to be me. Why? I’ve been through worse and I’m still standing. Before I move on with the next phase of my life after what was recently due to another setback that involved my former best friends that cost me my job and that temporarily put me back in that not so good place, I had some unfinished business but this time now that time has passed. For me to do it right. Brittany, no matter what happens and no matter what has happened, I still think you are a wonderful human being with a heart of gold. Even though you may hate me, I still love ya. I have nothing but love and respect for you. I think about ya once in a while. I hope you are doing wonderful. You deserve nothing but the best. I forgive you. I forgave you after I started phase 1 of starting over which I will get into should we have a catch-up heart to heart. Key word should we. No pressure whatsoever. Shit I’m not even asking for a response. All I ask is that you hear me out. Despite everything, it is no excuse for me acting like giant asshole. And I have to live with that and a lot of others for the rest of my life. Don’t ever change. Be yourself. I hope you are doing wonderful. One more time I ‘am very sorry from the bottom of my heart. I wish I could say more. But this is the best I can do yes even though I’ve tried to message you a few times here and there. But I didn’t do it the right way. This time I ‘am. Thank you for taking the time here tonight to listen to this and hear me out. I hope this shows you how serious and how much I mean everything I said. I do not expect you to trust me. No matter what, again I ‘am not asking for us to just be besties again. I know better now. No matter what happens again, I’m going to be ok. I have my life. You have yours. I still have a long way to go to getting better, but I feel like I’m getting better. One more time before I figure out the next phase, I ‘am doing this for no other reason than to right some of my wrongs because I do still feel like I’ am a curse to myself and people around me. Thank you again. God bless you. Give Kenya my love for me. And I hope you are doing wonderful. Take care of yourself old friend

 She blocked me and that was the end of that. Ever since that happened, it sucks yes but hey I’m proud of myself ever since because at least I recognized my wrongs and tried to make them right.

                             2015 Part 2 (Pirates death, People moving, Richie vs Alexis, Near Death Experience)

                         Chapter song: Mali Music- Beautiful

                       Chapter Song: ACDC- Highway to hell

                       Chapter Songs: The Eagles- Hotel California. Charlie Puth featuring Wiz Khalifa- See You Again (Saying goodbye to Pirate and every time we were by the vet ever since)

   Oh, did you think the Brittany situation was the only one I dealt with that year? Oh, ahahahahah noooooooooo it actually wasn’t. It was just the beginning. The only great thing that year was our season. 20-11. Witnessed hands down the greatest moment in my years of being part of Longhorn Nation. Game Winning 3 Point shot by Javan Felix to beat the number 3 ranked team in the Country North Carolina. 84-82. Hands down the best night I’ve had that year. When that happened, I actually fell to my knees and started crying tears of joy. Oh, trust me it will be even better if we win a national championship. Just another example of my guys and Longhorn Nation being one of if not the only consistent thing in my life. Ahhhhhhh great night. It came months after my dog Pirate Died. I loved Pirate a lot. He was a deaf Pitbull but such a damn sweet dog. He was a whiney little bitch at times especially when it came to Amanda. Even though I understood because they had a special connection, Pirate still acted like a little bitch at times. Hahaha, you should hear him whine. He whines bloody horror. An old man dog whining like a little girl hahahaha it was funny sometimes and then there were Times where it irritated me especially when my stepmom brought him and Brees into my room while she had a ‘’Important’’ client over. Either that or one who didn’t like dogs. Every time, Pirate would start crying. I would do everything I could to comfort him but he still would do it. It got annoying. Even frustrating. Even remember times where my stepmom would come in and bitch at me about it. At me!!!!! Never even once considered how I felt. Especially when I’ve done everything I could to comfort him and to calm him down. Still didn’t matter. Oh, I wasn’t doing good enough or I was being rude or mean?!!! Really? Least I wasn’t abusing them. It was frustrating. Brees was a little tricky at first but then he started to become my sweet baby boy. Amanda found Pirate when he was 2. Found him on the side of the road one night in a box and it was raining. When she found him, he looked really hurt like he was abused (Which he was) so she took him home, cleaned him up and adopted him. Brees we got from my Grandmother who is part of an animal program in Graham, Texas. Then Leia my baby girl, oh my sweet oookoo chichi oooooooookoooooooo chichi (That’s my sweet talk to her hehe) we adopted her from my Aunt Carla’s friend Gina when she was just a baby in 2015 when she was about 6 months. It was Amanda’s Christmas present from my father. It wasn’t easy at first because she was a baby but overtime still, I loved her to death. I snuggled with her a lot. Got her to know me more. We were buddies. She has now gone from a baby to now she is about almost 2 years old and my oh my she is getting big. I miss her every day. Not a day goes by where I don’t miss her and Brees. However, the story I’m about to tell you is one of my most traumatic memories yet. It was when Pirate passed away. Summer of 2015 about 3 days after my father’s 40th birthday party. It was actually on the actual day of his birthday. Tuesday July 28th, 2015 was my father’s birthday so here’s how it happened. He was actually a few incidents where he was not feeling well days prior but then he just got back to being same old happy old man Pirate. Well that Tuesday rolls around. Amanda takes him on a walk early in the morning. I’m getting ready for work while she is gone and my father is in his part of our home business. Well, right as I was about to walk out the door, Amanda Comes in freaking the fuck out with Pirate in her arms. He’s still conscious but apparently, he fainted again and had another accident. Well she quickly gave him a bath to get him cleaned up and then was going to take him to the vet because clearly something was not right. We all were getting worried well really me and Amanda. So, as we all go outside to figure this out and figure out what the hell was going on. All of a sudden, I remember me freaking the fuck out on Amanda and My Father. Don’t remember how but I did. Probably because Amanda was pissing me off or something, I don’t remember. Well 5 minutes later I take off to head to work. I get on my bus waiting on the phone call to hear an update on Pirate. I get off on 4th and Guadalupe. I begin my normal walk to work. Right around 10:45am as I was getting close to my work, I get a call from my father. What happened next? It was discovered that he had cancer spreading throughout his body. I of course was speechless. I drop to my knees and I’m starring off into space in shock. Moments later, I pick myself up and I end up heading to my work anyways but I didn’t go in that day. I ended up meeting my father there because he came to get me so we can go to the vet to say our goodbyes. The staff there at the Lake Austin Veterinary Hospital were very kind and they gave us all the room to say our goodbyes and have one last moment to love him and tell him we love him. It was me, My father, Amanda, Amanda’s mom Millie, and Amanda’s dad Joe. We all just each snuggled up with him and gave him love. Seeing his tail wag with how happy he was, that the people who loved him the most were in the room were all together and the fact that for one moment, it brought me, Amanda and my father all together. Millie and Joe, already were a part of my good graces and also were together but I’m talking about our household of me, my father and Amanda.  Well when it was time, the doctor came in. Laid next to him, petted him, injected him, and as he started to close his eyes for the final time, we gave him one final kiss and a I love you. When you know it, he stopped breathing. His chest stopped beating. Everyone left the room before I did. I left lost because I wanted to give him one last look and yet another final good bye because it was the last time I was ever going to see him again. Any of us. It was especially heartbreaking because originally, we thought we were going to get at least one more year. I knew his time was coming but when we originally were told that we were going to get one more year and then this happens it’s like what the hell? Of course, we can’t do anything about life. It gives birth and takes lives. I guess unfortunately it was his time. Now on one hand it was hard going in there and doing that. On the other I don’t think I could’ve lived with myself either if I wasn’t and I didn’t say goodbye to my dog who has been a part of my life since I have been here in Austin. Even Worse, Brees picked up on it that something was missing and that his brother was gone. I’m blessed that it brought us all together even if it was for a short time. The rest of that day, it was quiet. It was weird. It was dark, depressing, and sad. When we got home I took some time to myself and then I went out later that night because let’s face it I didn’t want to be at the house right now so I went out. I went out for a couple of hours. I had a drink at my Starbucks and then I had dinner at subway. Nothing like an Italian BMT. Of course, I was by myself because I really did not want to be around people. Well funny story happened and it’s now one of my favorite stories to tell when I really started to go through another phase. So, I get done eating dinner at the Subway on 8th and Congress. It was a windy but still perfect night out. I Throw my dinner shit away. I get ready to walk outside. I’ am trying to get my I-Pod together outside. All of a sudden there is this really big chunky looking fucked up homeless motherfucker. Of course, he was just another panhandler. Although he was aggressive. Here’s what happened.

I’m walking down congress because I was considering going to have a drink at the Parish which was my new spot and happened to be connected with Bikinis. My homegirl Karen was working that night if I’m not mistaken. But this guy stops me right as I’m getting ready to walk down Congress and asks me in a very fucked up tone ‘’Hey can I have a dollar?’’ He said. ‘’No man, I don’t have any. Sorry.’’ My response.

He then starts to follow me down congress basically harassing me saying I don’t need to get upset. Blah blah blah for about 3 minutes. All of a sudden, I start to get irritated, but I try to be nice with the guy. I Turn around and I respond with this ‘’Sir, I’m not having a really good night. So, I’ am going to ask you one more time to please leave me alone or I will call the cops.’’ Hahahahahah get your popcorn ready.

‘’Oh well you know what, maybe I’ll call the cops too. MAYBE I’ll come over there and kick your ass you fat motherfucker!!’’ The homeless whack job said. Oh, I got pissed. I turned around, tossed my stuff to the ground and I was ready to drop this piece of shit. ‘’You wanna call the Cops? You wanna kick my ass? Well why don’t you come over here and this fat motherfucker will splatter your brains ALL OVER A GODDAMN WINDSHIELD YOU STUPID DRUNKEN FAT PIECE OF SHIT!!!’’ I respond with the intention to fight. Of course, the dude is a fucking pussy and fucking walks away. As he is walking I’ am literally screaming at him ‘’Yeah just like I thought. Walk away you fucking cocksucker. Who are the cops going to believe? A Drunken Drugged up fucking piece of shit who obviously doesn’t care about his life anymore cocksucker or an innocent pedestrian who is not having a good night?!?!??!? HUH THINK ABOUT THAT YOU PIECE OF DUMB FUCKING SHIT!!!’’ He then said back ‘’Fuck you!!’’ And then to end it, I replied back with a threat of my own. ‘’Remember this face. Next time you fuck with me and I’ am not in the state of mind, I’ll fucking drop you and end you. NOBODY WILL MISS YOU!!!!!!!! Fucking burn in hell and FUCK YOU!!!!!!’’ He walked off being a crazy bastard and I was to myself like fuck this I’m going home and luckily it was the night before my father and Amanda went to Montana. It wasn’t easy while they were gone and Pirate passing away but one thing helped me get through the loneliness. That being my dog Brees. Snuggled with me every night while they were gone. I love him so much. So, to close that part, it took me awhile to get past that. Do I still think about it? Yes. Does the memory haunt me? Yes, as well but as time passed, more happened and the more shit that happened after, it’s what made me who I’ am. So, while I miss Pirate with all my heart, I’ am blessed and thrilled he is in a better place with all the treats and Kong’s and anything else his little doggy heart desires. Rest in peace Buddy. I love you so much and not a day goes by where I don’t think about you.  Also to my dogs Brees and Leia, I love you both so much. Not a day goes by where I don’t think about you both as well.

 The next part of 2015 that went a little rough is a situation regarding two very close friends of mine who used to date. Richie and Alexis. This part I can’t really get into about what happened between the two of them. That is their business and again last thing I want to do is cause more issues especially for myself. I mean especially when I’ am a lot closer with Richie now than I was with Alexis. Not that I have anything now against Alexis. I haven’t spoken to her much in the last two years. I do hope she is doing well. We also will comment and like each other’s pictures on Instagram but I mean that’s just the fact. I did meet Richie through Alexis. I have known Alexis longer than I’ve known Richie. Do Richie and I talk every day? No. Does he sometimes piss me off? Yeah, he does. I probably piss him off too sometimes but at the end of the day I’ve become tighter with him than I have Alexis. Now here’s the thing, this situation did cause me stress because I remember that I didn’t want to be dragged into the middle. Richie never made me feel that way. However, Alexis kind of did. Did she have the right to ask me some of the questions she did? Absolutely. Did she have the right to feel the way she felt? Yeah of course. I will not deny that. Was I kind of being a prick during that situation? Maybe I was. However, I did not want to be dragged in the middle and I felt like she kind of was dragging me in the middle. I’ve been dragged in the middle during situations like that before and it never worked in my favor. So, is it ok for me to have my feelings about it? Hell, yes it was. I didn’t want to lose either Richie or Alexis. Plus, I had my own problems I was dealing with. I didn’t need any more issues. In a way, this did kind of cause some issues between me and Alexis. Sometimes it was on me because of the way I was acting and yes me constantly talking about the Brittany situation I was dealing with or acting out on it was a major problem. Ok I’ll admit that. I will until I’m blue in the face. However, some of it was on her too. Probably the only thing that she did that really pissed me off the most was put words in my mouth. I even remember the day that Jade gave birth to the twins, I sent a message out to my old group to say cheers to the twins being born. Alexis replied back about it and thought I was asking for everyone to meet up and have a celebratory drink which clearly I wasnt. She Didn’t bitch at me……. that day but she was putting words in my mouth. Quite a bit actually. I don’t like it when people put words in my mouth. Some of our other conversations that we have had, she has been right. Made me really think about things about myself. The day we had that conversation during the beginning of the Brittany situation or something else I don’t really remember, I remember that she said it takes a little bit for her to get comfortable going to somebody during issues she may have. I respect that it may take a little bit. However, I’m sorry but that’s not entirely true. She did come to me a little bit. The last time I saw her, I took her out to dinner at Ripollo’s and bought her a drink as a way to listen to what she has to say because I was being kind of a dick although I had my own shit going on and I did not want to be dragged into the middle because of my history of being dragged in the middle always never going in my favor. Well it was on a Tuesday night, I remember waiting at Ripollo’s for about 45 minutes but I went upstairs to where the lounge was outside to watch some sportscenter and luckily it was empty throughout the restaurant for the most part. She arrives about 45 minutes later. I go downstairs to meet up with her. Say hello but unfortunately at first, she kind of wasn’t in a good mood and she did in a way kind of bitch me out but I didn’t want to argue with her. Last thing I want is for an argument. I didn’t want any more problems so I just let her bitch at me. I mean yeah it was uncomfortable but then again I didn’t have much of a choice and I didn’t want to cause a scene. After she was done, we ended up having an alright night. Although it was the last time I’ve seen her just her. I did see her other times but it was more of when I was in Southpark Meadows hanging with Richie and Justin. This was while they (Richie and Alexis) were still living together although they were already broken up. I mean every time I did go over there, there were never any problems. It actually ended up being alright. Alexis would be sitting on the far side of the couch near the window, Richie in the middle, Justin on the Right. Alexis would fall asleep. Richie and Justin would play video games, and I would be on the floor playing with Jade (His Dog) and Hendrix (Alexis’s cat). Their old apartment complex about 5 minutes south of Southpark Meadows was gorgeous. I loved sitting out there on the balcony especially when it was sunset or night time. Seeing the lights, the rooftops, the pool light up, hearing the hot tub going, the ACs throughout the complex, it was just gorgeous. Yet another area that I became a sucker for the scenery. It sucks that it was only for a short time that I was able to enjoy it. Maybe one day if I can play my cards right, maybe one day I can get a place out there if the prices don’t go up and once I get my shit even more together, if I’m still here in Austin and not Miami or DFW, then absolutely. I love South Austin probably more than any other area in this city other than Campus. It’s quieter. Less activity. Less crime and shady shit. May be just a teeny bit pricy but at the end of the day, anything is possible and besides again, I would prefer South Austin more than any other area. As I was saying, Richie moved out about a week to 9 days later after the last time I was there. Alexis stayed for a little while longer. I believe a couple to three months she stayed out there. However, I had no reason to go out there once Richie Left. Back to me and Alexis, we did have some trust issues ever since her and Richie broke up. I don’t have anything against her. She didn’t like the way I was acting sometimes, and I didn’t like how she yes in a way was acting like a bitch. Putting words in my mouth. At first maybe yes when I first met her etc. maybe like she said, maybe I was too eager for the perfect moment. Over time I did work on that and yes I was overwhelming but as I have said time and time again, if anybody thinks that I’m just going to let everyone put all the blame on me, you are sadly mistaken. I will always have love for Alexis. I really do mean what I say when I say that I hope she is doing well but as time went on, we grew apart. With all honesty as well, Richie was there for me more than she was. It’s just the truth. Richie was more of what I always from people and that is if I have to hear other’s problems and let them bitch, I want the same thing in return. No fucking hypocrisy, none of that shit. That is the number 1 thing that makes me trust people the most. It takes effort from both sides and I’d rather have that then always having to be around people all the time.

     The near-death experience I went through one time. This one is kind of a quick story but it was during Tropical Storm Iris. One day I was on my way to work. It was storming bad out, but I still went because I wanted to show that I care. So, I was on my way to work. Listening to my tunes although I shouldn’t have probably had my headphones on that day. Right as I was getting close to where I needed to be, there was this little creek area close to my workplace. The creek was filling up like crazy but I didn’t want to be late so I did the stupidest thing ever. I decided to cross the lake and I wasn’t thinking anything about it. So, I slowly put my feet in the water, with MY BAG ON MY BACK!!!! Well at first, I thought I was going to be able to make it across but instead I ended up slipping on the board which was underwater. So yeah, I got taken for a little ride but before I was taken on said ride, I was able to quickly toss my stuff to the side on dry land, so once I did that, I was off for a very rocky somewhat scary ride. I was dragged underwater a couple of times for about 5 seconds each. I remember screaming for help but no one was out there and honestly, I was afraid one of my biggest fears just about came to reality where I was dead and no one was around or missed me. I was taken on that scary ride for about 3 minutes and I really thought that was the end. I’m not joking. I seriously really thought it was about to be lights out for me and it would be death by creek and drowning or something like my head getting smashed. Some stupid shit like that. Well although I was banged up for a few days, I wasn’t seriously injured and I was able to make it out of there alive. I saw this big log that looked implanted in the ground. I grabbed onto it and I gave it everything I got to be able to pull myself up to get myself out of the water. I took a second to catch my breath and to get myself together. I then run across the bridge on the other side back to get my things but I was in no condition to work that day plus I was very wet, no change of clothes and yes, I was a little shaken up. While it did mentally shake me up, I was blessed that I was able to make it out of it alive although it did suck that no one was out there, I did make it out of that situation alive and well. It even gave me some clarity. Now looking back at it, it’s one of my finer moments. It’s one of my finer moments because while I thought it was close to lights out for Ol Sky, it showed me and made me think for a few moments that maybe just maybe I’ am here on this earth for a reason.

                                   Finally, along with all these issues, the normal home issues with my stepmom did play a factor. What didn’t make it easy is that close family friends of me and my fathers who basically were here since the minute I got to Austin Moved back up Northeast to Rhode Island. It’s not as big of a deal now as it was back then. It still sucks because I was close with them. Mike especially. He used to be a big part of our Sunday football crew with me, my father, Amanda’s father Joe, and Andy. Now our football Sundays aren’t the same anymore because he’s gone. Andy doesn’t come over almost at all on Sundays now. Joe still does sometimes but really, it’s just me and my father. Really the two issues that made 2015 really complicated is the passing of my dog Pirate and the Brittany situation. The issues at home with my stepmom did not help and neither did the others. Once the season came around and my guys were back, I just said fuck this year. Once the year ended, I was ready for a new year. I was ready to have a better year in 2016. However, it was far from better. It was worse than 2015.

   “Just when I think the hell is over. It’s not. It’s just the beginning.”

                                                          2016

  Chapter Song: Mike Posner- I Took a Pill in Ibiza (Seeb remix)

  I came into 2016 after a definite 2015 to forget looking to have a new and better year. I mean it wasn’t like 2015. Oh no no no. This one while it had good moments (When I went to the Miami/South Beach/Deerfield Beach in August with my father being the most notable which in honor of this great moment, i want to write a chapter about it cause of how great it was) this one was worse because it happened in the one part of my life where I was supposed to be safe. Home.

At the beginning of the year it was alright. Things at home were going alright. It almost felt like maybe things were going to turn around. Especially for me and my stepmom. It even started off well with a big win during Waco Night Round 2. We lost the first one which was during the Brittany Situation. Again, if you haven’t seen that chapter, its telling the story about probably one of the toughest situations friend wise I have dealt with. It’s also the lead up into the other two chapters that involve 2015 part 2 and this one. However, it’s also owning up to some shit that I haven’t and should’ve owned up too sooner. One thing that just feels odd to me both in a good way and not so good way, is when my guys have a good season then I don’t but when I do they don’t. This past season it was both. They finished 11-22. Dead last in the Big 12 something I pray to god never happens again. That was miserable. This coming season I hope the opposite happens for both. I think we are in for our best season yet but that’s not what this chapter is about. The question now is for me now that it’s 2017. That is also not what this chapter is about. This is about my 2016. Here it is.

 The first month or two was amazing. I really thought that hey maybe things are going to turn around. I’m making progress. Relationships with my stepmom and my father are going really well. Things are finally over......except they weren’t. It was right back to where we started. Only this time everything was falling apart. Everything did fall apart. The one thing about my stepmom is even though she made my life a living hell and it was not easy, I did care about her. Probably cared about her more than she did me. Especially because I always found myself trying to get her acceptance. Her and my father were having problems. Major problems. She was upset a lot. Most of the time, I ended up trying to show her how much I give a shit. I tell her how much I love her and how much I’m here for her. But that’s all for the me vs Amanda chapter. Well things were tense in the house for a while. To the point where Amanda wanted a divorce. My father told me the news one day over our weekly lunch at our Thundercloud. When he told me, I knew why but I didn’t know what to think. I mean yeah truth be told I wasn’t happy with my home life. I know what people are going to say. Why don’t you move? Why don’t you have a place of your own? It’s a bit complicated to explain. If anything, I have written so far doesn’t tell you, well then, I don’t know what else to say. I really wasn’t happy because I thought when my dog Pirate passed away in 2015 it would bring us all closer together. It did temporarily. Not for long. The other reason is while my relationship with my stepmom was for the most part rocky, I had a great relationship with her mom and father but more her father plus my dogs Brees and Leia who I helped raised. Leia especially because I helped raise her since she was a Puppy. They made it all worth it. Until one night in the end of May beginning of June just when this was the beginning of it all. I have some stories regarding my work situation that while I can’t get into some specifics, they do have a lot to do with what has been happening as well. So, one day, I’m at work. One of my former best friends who was the former cleaning crew manager, got sick and this was during my days as the official contractor for the cleaning crew team at the place I was working at. He got sick and it was just me, him, our bosses son, and this other guy who was a fucking slacker. Made us look bad. Well the son of our boss always left early. So, it was just me, my former best friend, and the slacker that Wednesday. Then it was just me and the slacker. Trust me if I can say those guys names I would but one of them I don’t like and then the other two well we used to be close like brothers up until recently when they stabbed me in the back. The bosses’ son was not an issue not at all. The slacker wasn’t either. There was one more guy that well was complicated but yeah, I’m not going to get into that yet. But the two guys who were once my former best friends almost like brothers, that is a little tricky. I don’t want to risk a lawsuit or worse. So, if I say my former best friends or something similar to that, you know why. Back to the story so he goes home. I take over. Originally that wasn’t going to be a paid day but it ended up being that after I checked in with my boss. So, I ended up kicking ass the rest of the day by myself. Because everybody else except for my friend Andria, I couldn’t rely on. I was exhausted but goddamn it was I proud. One of my finest days where I was working at. I go home that night and it was right after the mediator session to discuss the terms of the deal. So, my father was fine. My stepmom however was not. I however was in a fantastic mood. It was around 6pm right as I was getting started with my weekly chore night. Also around the time I was getting hungry. Well I went to ask her what are we having for dinner because she makes some damn good stuff. And so, it begins. Well she snapped at me and said "I don’t fucking know. Ill figure it out when I figure it out." I of course responded with an apology but in the tone of ok then sorry i bothered you again. I went about my business. Continued to do my weekly house tasks night because that was my least favorite night every week. Well about an hour later. Right as Amanda was making dinner, she was having problems with her iPad and of course she came to me. Well the only difference was, she was flipping the fuck out. Even questioned me a couple of times about if I forgot to take her iPad off the toaster oven which of course I always do take it off. I’m not stupid. What ended up happening was she was impatient and it just needed to charge. Well as soon as I not her I fixed the problem, we start arguing. Of course, several minutes later she goes off yet again on another one of her "Why aren’t you ever understanding? Can’t for once in your fucking life you can be understanding?" Which of course she is full of shit because while I’m not perfect, I’m not as bad as she or others mostly thought that I always was. I of course laugh and I give her a smartass response which of course was hands down the only thing I regret that night. To add insult to injury, I even did it in medieval times voice. Here’s what I said. "Oh yes your highness, I shall do whatever you desire." She flipped the fuck out. Like with most of everything else, I immediately realize that it wasn’t the smartest thing ever. So, I change my tone and immediately try to apologize. Of course, she was really pissed. Which even though she was right to be pissed especially because I was being a smartass but it wasn’t a normal smartass moment. It was a I’m getting sick and tired of your fucking attitude moment. Just because you’re going through yes a major situation, it doesn’t give you the excuse to act the way you do. Especially to people who most of the time don’t do a fucking thing to you. So yeah, I was wrong and I was right. Some time has passed. Of course, we decided to put it aside. Because well I was being nice but unfortunately it was the last time i was going to be nice. So, we all have dinner but again it was tense. My father has no idea what happened. He was about to find out. So, about an hour after dinner, I’m getting ready for bed because I have to be up early. Well I’m brushing my teeth and taking my evening bathroom before bed break. Which I need absolute silence and concentration for because I get nervous when I’m trying to go number 2. My stomach starts to get upset and weak. When I’m in there, if it’s something that I approve noise from like my phone and shit everything else and everybody else needs to shut up unless it is an emergency. So, I ‘am done about 10 minutes later. I open the door and guess what is waiting for me. My stepmom. Once again, she didn’t look happy. Well ok but you’ve been waiting outside the door waiting for me? Like that’s just weird and too much. Well I was right because she began bitching me out again only this time about the glass table. "You didn’t do the glass table!!" She said with an attitude in her voice. I replied respectfully "I’m sorry I’ll take care of it." She didn’t stop. She kept on going like she most of the time does. At least 4 more times till she went back to her office, I gave her the exact same response of "I’m sorry I’ll take care of it." Well once she got back into her office, under my breath silently I said to myself "I’m getting fed up with this shit!!" Well Amanda heard me and began to make fun of me. "Oh, boohoohoo Poor Sky." she said. Oh, I got pissed. Very very angry. I tossed my cleaning shit to the ground. And goddamn it I was livid. When I tossed it to the ground, I started screaming hardcore. Here’s how it went

"You know what fuck you. I’m getting sick and tired of your fucking bullshit!! You want to make fun of me? Come on then bring it you fucking Cunt!!!!! I will beat the fuck out of you and I’ll make sure no one misses you fucking evil Bitch!!!! I’ll show you my darkside!!!!" I said.

Oh yeah then the party really gets started. So, she is having the little attitude on her face, she goes into the garage where my father is at. While he is on the fucking phone none the less. About a minute later, here she is coming out with somewhat of a smirk on her face. "Oh, when your father comes out here, it’s on like Donkey Kong!!" She said. I suddenly developed a really pissed off angry look on my face. "You fucking cunt!!! I will fucking knock you the fuck out!!!!" I replied. Trust me I came close to doing that. Quite a bit but that night it almost happened for real and had my father not been there I would have murdered her probably because that’s how sick and tired I was of her bullshit.  Again, I wasn’t perfect and if she was reading this, she probably would do the whole "I was good to you. We had a great relationship". Heh yeah rarely. So, then he comes out moments later but guess what he didn’t yell at either of us. Oh, it ended up being me and her yelling at each other even more. Her saying that I’m always a disrespectful little shit. Which again was a damn lie. As I’m sitting there having to take that which really, I didn’t, I got angrier. My face is getting beat red. Basically telling her that she had better watch what you fucking say. Well the old man then gave me an out I went to my room while they talked. I wasn’t in there long. I overheard everything from my room. My father trying to be the peacekeeper while my stepmom is just letting bullshit come out of her mouth. I don’t care if you say in the Spur of the moment that I’m doing something wrong during that situation. Ok that’s fine. I understand and I respect that but so help me god if you do like what she did a lot and put everything on me, I’m going to get mad. It really started back home in Missouri growing up but again that was then. The last two years were when I started to develop that more. About five minutes later, I can’t necessarily remember exactly what she said that made me go out there and do what I did next. So, I did go out there. Here’s what happened.

Me: (To Amanda) You know......

Amanda: (To Me, Screaming) IM STILL TALKING!!!!

Me: (To Amanda) Shut your goddamn fucking mouth up. I’ am talking now and I don’t care what you say anymore. Because I’ am tired of this. I’ am tired of this fucking shit. I’m tired of your fucking shit. You know what, I hate you. Your fucking dead to me!! I’m done with you. Go Fuck yourself, FUCK YOU YA UNGRATEFUL BITCH!!!! You come near me again, I’ll fucking kill you!!!

Yes I did say I’ll kill her but that’s what happens when for years you have been pushed over the edge. Just because someone else may sometimes give you the you have it pretty easy lecture doesn’t mean your entire life was easy at all. Mine sure as shit wasn’t. Where did my pet peeve of that originate? You guessed it, my stepmom. Especially when she abused her power on me. In case anybody missed it already, I’ll say it again. My stepmom was upset with my father because he wouldn’t give her a kid. Did she take it out on him? Not specifically. Anybody else? No not that either. She took it out on me. 95 Percent of the time, nice to everyone else. Took it out on me. She made me feel weak. Made me feel like I was trapped. I Wasn’t perfect but that’s exactly what happened. Kissed everyone else’s ass but took out her anger on me.

 After that I walked off. I walked back into my room and yes, I was crying. I was very overwhelmed with everything that has been happening because it just feels like it never ends. Well actually the most heartbreaking thing happened. I was in my room, I couldn’t sleep anyways. My father comes in and we begin to talk for 25 minutes. It wasn’t an easy conversation. Probably the most heartbreaking thing I’ve ever seen is him crying. It was after it was decided that I needed to get the fuck out of here for a while because otherwise I probably would’ve killed her. So, it was official. I was going to leave for 6 weeks maybe even longer until this shit was finished. I had a couple of weeks to get myself prepared. Although work was not easy, at the time I thought I finally was on the up and up. Honestly though anything work related, I’m going to save for the Betrayal chapter. At the time, I was worried that I wasn’t going to come back and that everything I worked so hard for, i was going to lose and be right back at square 1 because I was very worried that something was going to happen to my father. My stepmom had a lot of anger issues and issues in general man. In case you haven’t seen the Me vs Amanda chapter yet or forgot, the one biggest thing is that she always wanted a kid of her own. To start a family of her own. I understand that. A few times when we thought we were going to turn this around after we fought, she even told me that my father wouldn’t rule it out one day but deep down my father didn’t want more kids. What I do vaguely remember is that for a while she needed to prove it first. My father is more about making the second half of his life one to be proud of with his Business. Plus, multiple times he gave Amanda the option to leave to go find what she is looking for. Guess what? She didn’t leave. So, if there is anybody for her to blame, its herself. It’s her own damn fault. Just like how it’s her own damn fault that if she wanted this to still work with my father, wake the fuck up. Stop playing the goddamn victim. Guess what, she was the one who wasn’t happy. She’s the one who wanted the divorce. Oh, but wait, she’s the fucking victim. She’s still criticizing my father for starting his life over, dating someone who isn’t overwhelming and who makes him happy but wait yet I’m (speaking about her) finally moving all the way back out to Virginia and getting to hook up with my ex-boyfriend who I haven’t seen in ten fucking years and I get to finally get what I want which is a baby. The fucking hypocrisy behind it man. Good god. It’s also just fucking strange. Again, I wasn’t perfect. Guess what, I Have admitted that more times than not. Not just with her but with anybody. Again, more details on my rocky relationship with my stepmom? See the Me vs Amanda chapter. The point was, I was worried. Most nights while I was in Houston for 3 weeks seeing my Uncle Dave and Aunt Carla, my cousins, and the rest of my Houston family of course and then Missouri seeing my mom and my Missouri family, I couldn’t sleep. I was so scared of something happening to my father because of her. Let me just say this, and get this out of the way. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care what you do. Come after me all you want. I can take it. So, help me god if you go after my family especially my father. If something on purpose happens to them and I lose them, I will find whoever is responsible and I will kill you if it’s the last thing I do. My father is the only reason I still get out of bed every day. Does he piss me off? Yes. Sometimes I wish what I say would matter to him some. I’m not always right but damn it I’m not always wrong. He’s not always wrong but he damn sure isn’t always right either. Do I piss him off? Yes, to that as well. At the end of the day, he is my best friend and he has been my day 1. I don’t care who you are. I don’t care what you do. You want to come after me? Fine. Bring it. I’m not afraid. However so help me god if anything on purpose happens to anybody I care about including my father, I will come after you with everything I got. That’s how serious and how worried I was about leaving my father for 6 weeks. That is also yet another result of what happens when you have had enough of the bullshit. Before I continue, quickly here is how the 6 weeks was planned out.

The first two weeks in Houston.

Then three in Missouri

Finally, one more in Houston.

 June 19th through July 31st I was gone. It wasn’t easy. I had other things that made it even more complicated at first. Unfortunately, as said many times, now it was mainly my father that I didn’t want to leave and the only few things left that I have in Austin such as my squad. The first two weeks in Houston was alright. As always, I never really had a problem with anybody. I Think the only issue was regarding my cousin Corey’s restroom. I don’t remember but I know it was a mistake I normally don’t make. We didn’t argue but he did kind of get irritated with me. I kind of got anxious over the next few days up until I left to head back to Austin for the night before I went to Missouri for three weeks. We went over to our home boy Evans’ a few times. Something we always do especially when I’m there. Evan is a very close friend of mine as well. I met him through Corey because they are very close friends. Almost like Brothers. They’ve known each other for a while. After a while, Evan is also now one of my very few closest and one of my best friends also like a brother. One of my very few people I’ am close with outside of my family. His wife Brieanna, who I wasn’t tight with at first not that I wasn’t cool with her because I was and she is a sweetheart but wasn’t like super tight with her like I’ am with Evan until the last time I was there, did something very sweet for me for my birthday. She bought us all cupcakes. We meaning me, Corey, Evan, and Brieanna had one. I Left the rest I think because there were more but ever since then I have nothing but love and respect for Brieanna as well. Do I talk to her as much as I talk to Evan?

Well obviously not. However, I do ask how she is doing when I talk to Evan. So, shout out to you Brie. How can I forget? My 23rd birthday was fucking amazing. Probably my favorite since the big 2-1. Had a big dinner at a pub close by the house. It was Me, Corey, Evan, David, Carla, Dave of course and then Dave’s neighbors Tony, and Kay who I absolutely love the shit out of along with their two kids Kyle and Ann Marie who are two of David’s friends he plays with. Well he plays with Kyle More, I think you get my point. My favorite moment of that dinner was Tony trying to mess with me. Almost got the staff there to sing happy birthday to me (which honestly I used to like but now not really.) I know he did it out of fun and plus that is the reason why I like Tony a lot.  It was a great dinner. Everybody had fun. That is the best present a man can ask for. Part 1 of Houston ended that Sunday. I went back to Austin for the Night to have a quick birthday dinner with my father and stepmom despite everything that had happened. It was an ok night. Don’t really want to get into it. It’s still a rough situation. The next morning July 4rd rolls around and I leave for Missouri. It was a little harder being even further away from my father because in Houston, I’m just a couple few hours away. Missouri, I’m about 10-12 hours driving away from Austin but an hour and a half flight from Austin. It also was very hard with it being the first time in 2-3 years since I have been home. Especially it being under complicated Circumstances. I Was very emotional the first few nights but luckily and thank god my Mom was probably hands down the most supportive she had ever been. Plus, she was right, I needed to see her and my Family. It has been way too long since I have seen everybody. It was probably hands down the best time that I have been home yet. I bonded with Doug a lot. Lonnie and I revived our friendship and it made me feel better knowing that he knows the truth about what has been going on etc. Also, that he knows that I would never abandon him. That he has been my friend since we were kids despite that it hasn’t always been an easy road. Saw my brother Darby for the first time in a long time. Mom and I had dinner with him. Seeing my Grandma Sandra is always a joy. Especially now that I’ am older. Our traditional Chili’s lunch. Just us catching up and hearing how proud her and my mom were of me. It also made me feel better with everything that had been happening. She also basically gave me the best birthday present as well last year and that was basically finishing off my payment for my season tickets for our 2016 hoops season for my Guys. This next one before I begin, there are a few people who may not agree with me but before you make that judgment, the truth behind what some of you may have questions about will be in the chapter regarding the Betrayal of two of my former best friends. Don’t believe me? See for yourself. Outside of enjoying being around my family and being home and bonding with my mom, last but not least I went up to Kansas City to see my Grandpa Lou for a few days. It was a blast. Especially just getting to be in Kansas City for the first time in Ages. The night before I went back although the visit in general as always was pleasant, the most memorable moment of that part was our traditional Bonding walk and night. It used to be in Columbia and on the Mizzou Campus but now it is in KC and the entire downtown of KC including Power and Light and the Plaza. Shout out to Kansas City.  The good thing and not so good thing is that the three weeks went by way to fast. Bad because I enjoyed being home. Good because I was one step closer to this fucking nightmare being over and the house would be me and my fathers. As well as probably our getaway to The Miami/South Beach/Deerfield Beach area which by the way was hands down the highlight of 2016. Because of it, there is going to be a chapter dedicated to just that. How amazing, peaceful, and memorable it was? Oh, how I would do anything to go back. I’m not joking. I got back into Austin on the 24th. Went back to Houston for the final week. The second time went by really fast. Probably the only other thing that I had somewhat of an issue with and really this is not a big deal somewhat but what it was is when I play video games with my Cousin David who is now 10 years old. He would get frustrated anytime something would not go his way whether it was something during our baseball games on the ps4 or just in general. Something that all of us are trying to teach him that you are not always going to win everything and you know what? That’s ok. I’ll tell you what though, he definitely has the true Savittiere fire in him. Because one thing about the men in my family especially me, my father, and Dave aka the new Big 3 once my uncle Mark passed away is that we hate to lose. We don’t get bent out of shape but we hate to lose. However, because we all have been through our own experiences, we know that not everything is always going to go our way. As much as we hate it sometimes, that’s ok because it’s what makes us well us. I mean I didn’t get mad at David. I love that kid to death. He has grown up a lot. Gone from my little buddy when he was between 4-7 and now he’s my little dude. Sooner or later, I can only imagine what it is going to be like once he becomes a teenager, but no matter what I love that kid to death and I could not be prouder. However, I did get frustrated and it was frustrating. Especially because he was being a little rough with my controllers and plus his attitude. It was overwhelming especially when I’ am doing my damn hardest to keep myself together with the millions and millions of things that were already going through my mind. Otherwise overall it was a great final week of the 6 weeks. I could not begin to tell you how reliving it was to be home and reunited with my father after being gone and happy to have everything somewhat back. Meaning at the time, reunited with my former best friends, being back in my city even though I have a love hate relationship etc. It was still a little tense in the house for a few weeks especially between me and my stepmom yet again, only this time it was reliving knowing that it was only a matter of time. Which was two weeks later. However, when the day finally came that it came to an end, it was still a heart-breaking thing to watch. As much as I may have despised my stepmom over the years, just seeing something like that coming to an end, it was sad. It was also sad to watch her and my dogs walk out as members of the house for the final time. Once that day passed, it took a little bit to get used to the new changes. Luckily me and the old man went to Florida about a week after to get away for a few days. Again because of how memorable it was, I’m giving that its own chapter. Once we got back from Florida, it was easy for the most part for a bit. Work started to become a pain in the ass (Again see the Betrayal chapter). Otherwise things calmed down and I’m glad it did. Ended up having my best Fantasy football season yet. Won 4 of my main league championships until October when my father ran into some legal trouble. The morning before Texas’ football game against Baylor here at home. Let me make one thing clear before I continue with the story, I’m glad nobody got hurt including my father. When it first happened, I was livid. It became stressful for quite a bit. I was pretty pissed. We even started fighting several days after it happened. The fights were bad where I came close to walking out. Happened the night of my guys exhibition game against Angelo State. He was upsetting me a lot several days prior. I even wrote him a calm note which he crumpled up and tossed it to the floor in front of me. That is what set me off. I walked out. Followed me out. We were screaming at each other. Tried to get me to come back, I told him to fuck off and I hate him. I’m done.  I walked away. I even asked my boss if I could stay in the break room for a couple of nights. She already knew what happened several days prior because I ran into her and her husband at the game. Well I knew they were going to be there. I’ll tell you that story here in a few minutes because it is one of my favorite happy memories of this past year. So, I went to the bus. I called my stepmom because she also knew what happened days prior. Here’s the kicker, several days prior she called me when it first happened and she was being the most supportive she has ever been. I honestly cannot remember the exact conversation but because of it, once again the I turn to people who are being super supportive factor kicked in. What does that have to do with this story? Well I called her. I even asked her if I can go stay with her. I was upset. I was losing it once again. I felt sick in a lot of places. Well I was on the bus on the phone with her and yes I was crying because once again it is what happens when you have dealt with so much throughout your entire life. All of a sudden, I hear a tap on the window and it is my father. Only difference is, he had a concerned look on his face because yes he knew he fucked up and he had pushed me over the edge. He asked me if I can go with him so we can talk. I of course do. So, I get into the Car with him and we take a little drive over to the Cul-de-sac on the other side of our neighborhood and we start to talk. It wasn’t an easy conversation. I was upset and I had enough. I think you all can pretty much figure out the point. Well another thing that he told me is that Amanda once again took the words I told her from the last few days and basically used the whole ‘’Sky fucking loved me the entire time, we always had a great relationship’’ card and threw it in my old man’s face. Classic Amanda Bullshit move. Always did it when living here, still does it to this day in situations. Well I told him the last few conversations especially the I turn to people who are being super supportive in very rocky situations factor and we calmed down and ever since then, I have been in total support of him through this. I sometimes have to play father figure with him in certain situations. He will even tell you that himself. Yes, he is the more experienced veteran. He is way older than me. However, there are some things that he may not know that I do. There are also situations where he isn’t always wrong but he is not always Right as well. Same with me. I’m not always right but I damn sure am not always wrong. Vice versa. It is that way with everything and everyone in general. It’s the way of life. That being said here is what happened and I have something to say and this is part of the society today chapter. So what happened was, my father just got done completing a major job for the Hilton in Scottsdale. He had to drive all of the uniforms himself to Scottsdale. He was gone for a week. He and our wonderful staff here for our family business worked very very VERY HARD on this job. Once he got back that Thursday morning or Friday Morning really early, he relaxed and chilled because he had to work at Lamberts that same night or the next night. It was on a Friday because those are his nights at Lamberts. Well after his Friday shift at Lamberts, the day we were supposed to go to the Texas-Baylor game at DKR, he went out with a few of his friends to celebrate the end of the job. Well unfortunately it kind of turned into a fucking disaster. Here is why. I Wake up around 5:30 am to use the restroom. When I got back to my room, I looked out my window and I noticed his car wasn’t there. At first it was strange, because he knew we were supposed to go to the Texas-Baylor game that afternoon. So I get back into bed. I keep checking outside periodically. Over the next 45 minutes, I start to panic. I start to worry if something happened to him. I was scared shitless because I thought to myself of my god here we go again only this time my worst fear is actually about to come true. Well around 7 I start to get ready. I make breakfast. About 10 minutes later, I get a call from Andy. He explains to me what happened which was my father got pulled over and arrested for a DWI.

‘’WHAT?!?!??!?! Are you fucking kidding me?’’ I Said

He confirms it, and tries to help me relax but of course I don’t want to relax. It was hard for me to relax. He then tells me that apparently two officers tried to come over while I was sleeping to inform me of the situation but of course I’ am a heavy sleeper for the most part. It would have to be a sonic or a loud fucking noise even somebody coming into my room to tell me to wake me up. If it’s from a distance, chances are I’m not going to wake up. So afterwards, we hang up and I call one of my former best friends who I used to work with. I tell him I’m coming in. So I go in even though it’s my weekend and I trade my Saturday when I’m off for my Tuesday. I go in for a few hours until it’s time for me to head to the stadium for the game. Well I get some work done but unfortunately I’m otherwise on the phone for the most part. Either trying to find someone to go with, sell the other ticket, and then with anybody who is involved in this situation. Well I text my boss because she happens to be a diehard Texas Football Fan. I ask her if she wanted to go. Well she was already going with her husband. They already have tickets which was fine and then of course I offered her the parking pass which she happily accepted. So she comes and meets me at work because it’s her weekend but that was the only way she was going to be able to get the pass. So she comes and gets it and we talk for a minute and her husband is with her. Offered me a lift there but I happily and respectfully declined. Although it was because I was going to stop at P Terrys on East 6th for lunch before the game. So once it hits around 12:30pm, I take off and I make my way towards downtown first. I Grab me some grub. I Get my P-Terrys usual. Chicken Burger with lettuce, fries and a large fountain drink because although it wasn’t necessarily healthy, it was a special occasion and plus I was still pissed off. I go to 11th and San Jacinto near the capital. I quickly eat my lunch. But obviously not choke it down. I finish about close to 10 minutes later and I quickly head to Campus where it is fucking nuts man. However, it was with my type of people. Not a bunch of fucking privileged people, hipsters, or rich corporate scumbags (Not what I feel now or well I’m trying to not be as judgmental now as I was. Details near the end). Even if some of them were there which honestly I would not be surprised, I didn’t care because it was my type of event in my type of setting. Not theirs whether it was at a club or a fucking office or whatever. So, it was nice. I wasn’t going to let the normal groups of people I can’t stand on a day to day basis ruin this for me especially when I’m already fucking pissed. Oh yeah if you want to know my views on why I cannot stand privileged people, hipsters, and rich people and corporate scumbags, again that will be in my views chapter. Really quick though to clarify something, normally I can’t stand your average everyday rich person, corporate scumbag, privileged people, or hipsters. I also can’t stand people who just love to go out and get in trouble with the law and homeless person included. Not all of them are bad. If you are somebody I know and I see that you are not an average everyday person of any of those groups I can’t. Also, that you are a good person and same thing with people you know, that is totally different. I’ am cool with you. Really I base it on personality. A normal average everyday member of one of those groups…… well honestly I’m just going to save it for the Society today chapter. So once I get there, I’ am still texting back and forth with my boss who is already there. Once I get there, I meet with her in the little members only club inside DKR. It’s not the alumni center. That’s outside but I meet up with her and I meet her husband for the first time. Really nice guy by the way. My boss ended up doing yet another nice thing for me. This time she bought me a beer which was unexpected, not necessary but very sweet of her. We all 3 ended up chatting for a few minutes before the game started. It was a great conversation. Once it got closer to when the game was starting but before our school Band did the weekly beginning of the game Eyes of Texas, I quickly make it back to my seat which was on the lower level about 10-15 rows up from the field. Oh yeah shout out to Glenn and Michelle. Two very close friends of me and my fathers. They are season ticket holders for football. Have been for a long time. They hooked us up especially because they are out of town on the weekends a lot. Love you guys. Had to get that out there. So, I get to my seat, do our usual eyes of Texas with Longhorn Nation. 5 minutes later, the game begins. It was a great game. Very exciting. It ended up raining and it was awesome. Also, one of the best games of Charlie Strong’s as the head coach of Texas. We won 35-34. I Left once the crowd died down a little bit. I went to Taco Cabana for dinner to celebrate. While I was there, I get the call from my father and he was released. Unfortunately, he was exhausted and a little bit out of it. It was a rough night for him. Now before I put a wrap on this chapter because let me tell you 2016 like 2015 sucked balls, let me say this. My father made a mistake. Yes. No denying that. It was stupid. Yes, that too. However, I need to call out our justice system here in Texas. IT HAS BEEN 16 YEARS SINCE HE GOT IN TROUBLE WITH THE LAW!!!!! IN ANOTHER FUCKING STATE!!!! ARE YOU KIDDING ME?!?!??!??!? Nobody got killed. Nobody got hurt. It is no excuse but it is just stupid. He pulled over and went to sleep. The statute of limitation should’ve been considered. So, while I was pissed at him, I was pissed at the system too. Ever since that talk that day when I was about to walk out on him, I have been in major support of him because of it.

 The last thing that sucked was the season that my guys had once hoops season came around. 11-22. Dead last in the Big 12. I mean come on. I busted my ass at my former job for most of the money to pay it off. Once we started struggling, I immediately started to blame myself and call myself a curse. That’s how disappointed I was. That’s how ready I was for the season to end for the first time ever. Then you have no idea how happy I was that 2016 ended. Strike two folks.

                                            Austin, Texas Today

                                 Chapter Song: Danny Brown-I Will

                     ‘’If anything, I’m more of a classist. I hate the bad rich people, I hate the cocky partiers/hipsters and I hate crazies unless you are somebody I know and Is a good person but for the most part I’ am a classist.’’

                    ‘’I get that every city has problems. I’m using Austin as an example though because it does have problems that not a lot of people including our city officials are not paying attention too.’’

Austin, Texas. Home. My home for the last 6 years. A beautiful city. A City with lots to do. Is it going to be home forever? I don’t know yet. That is either going to be anywhere in the Dallas Fort Worth Area, Miami, San Marcos, Waco, or if I were to move back to Missouri one day it would be in Columbia or Kansas City. Maybe even somewhere else that the universe might have planned for me. I just don’t know yet. I can’t even begin to tell you how many people I have pissed off with what I’m about to write about. Also, some that I was friends with but then I lost them or came close to losing because of our difference of opinions regarding the city of Austin. Look I have no problem with people having their opinions. There are many great things that make Austin a great city. Scenery, Beautiful Landmarks, traditions, etc. That does not mean that it is going to come free though. Everything comes at a price. I hate to break it to you but there are major problems that if this city cannot get their heads out of their asses to see the truth and stop caring about the money along with giving the media free access to basically get all these corporations and rich people to move here etc. then I’m sorry but this place will become a shit hole. I Do have some issues not only that I personally have but also that are legit concerns of many other people here in the City who may have been here longer. In this chapter I’ am going to discuss said issues and I’m going to give my take. Austin for now is still a great city for now, but there are things that I’m starting to notice again with many others doing the same that need to be fixed or otherwise good ol Austin Texas won’t be just good ol Austin Texas anymore. It will be good ol Corporate Austin Texas for the rich privies and then for the rest who have been here longer, it will become a shithole. Just like the rest of what our society is becoming. You can say I’m overreacting, go ahead. I don’t have anything at this point for the most part to lose except my guys and then the very true people in my life I have left but otherwise I do pay attention and I do see what I see. I don’t have a problem with people who love the city. I still love many great things about this city but it is declining. There are some who do not pay attention. I get the economy but again it comes at a price and some of what I’m about to share will include stories I have heard on the news such as the Haruka Weiser murder on the UT Campus. There is no problem with it growing but it is growing in an immature way. Here we go.

 1.    Traffic: The Traffic here is a fucking nightmare. It is always a nightmare every damn day. It is a rare occasion when it’s good. Its normally early early morning like 3am or 4am when it is really good but otherwise it’s rare to find times of day. I-35, 183, 290, Mopac, Highway 1, jeez almost anywhere but Downtown except during Rush Hour everyday but the weekends. Otherwise everywhere you go, the traffic is a fucking nightmare. Ways to fix the problem are presented but is the city going to take those measures? Mayor Adler was talking about Smart Corridors. Last year. Haven’t heard anything since. As a matter of fact, here is some of what he said during his blog just about this same issue from Medium.com. (I do not own this blog and by no means I have any issue towards Adler. I heard he is a nice guy and that is good. I’m talking about the overall picture just like how I talked about with our country and the world)

‘’The problems we’re facing are clear to everyone: Picture North Lamar Boulevard, which the state built way back when as the old Dallas Highway. Now we use it as a local road, and it can’t hold all the cars. Buses make traffic worse when they stop to pick up passengers. The original designers never imagined that residential neighborhoods (and schools and convenience stores and bus stops) would grow up around the highways, so they never built sidewalks in many cases, and forget riding bikes in traffic. Too dangerous.’’

‘’Put another way, we’ve finally figured out how to fix traffic the Austin Way — a smarter way that works for everyone. It’s not cars versus bikes, safety versus congestion, neighborhoods versus developers, or any other iteration of the old divisions that have stymied Austin for decades. The Smart Corridor bond approaches old problems — too much traffic and not enough public transportation, sidewalks, and bike infrastructure — in a smart, holistic way that helps us all work together.’’

 ‘’The answer was in the corridor plans, thanks to all the public input that neighborhoods and stakeholder put into them. To relieve traffic congestion, boost rapid transit, make it easier and safer to walk and bike, and help us manage growth, we need to reject the old way of looking at these problems that sees only cross purposes and instead focuses on our common goal: making the roads work for everyone.’’

 ‘’ The answer was in the corridor plans, thanks to all the public input that neighborhoods and stakeholder put into them. To relieve traffic congestion, boost rapid transit, make it easier and safer to walk and bike, and help us manage growth, we need to reject the old way of looking at these problems that sees only cross purposes and instead focuses on our common goal: making the roads work for everyone.’’

‘’Turning the old state highways into Smart Corridors means making basic, simple changes such as installing smart traffic lights that can be timed remotely and automatically, putting in turn lanes and medians so you’re not stuck behind someone waiting to turn left, adding pullouts so buses get out of traffic when letting passengers on and off (and cue jumps so they can get a head start on traffic), and building sidewalks and protected bike lanes so people can get where they are going safely.’’

 ‘’Because a Smart Corridor would be good for vehicle traffic, many people assume that it would be anti-bike, anti-bus, and anti-pedestrian. This is not at all true. Got a bike? You get a safe way to get around on busy streets. Same with kids and their parents walking to school or just in the neighborhood. And if we are smart about it, we can direct new housing along the transit corridors to put the bus riders along bus routes, all the while protecting neighborhoods. This is what managing growth looks like: transit and riders along transit corridors, increasing capacity where we want it (along busy streets) instead of where we don’t want it (in the middle of existing neighborhoods).’’

 ‘’This plan also addresses infrastructure deficits in some of the most vulnerable parts of our city. Too many in Austin are walking in ditches instead of on sidewalks alongside busy roads or standing in the rain or hot sun at unsheltered bus stops. That’s wrong, unsafe, and unfair, and we can fix it.’’

Post quote. Mayor Adler I respect you but I have to ask the question, yes, the city can fix it but are we going to fix it? This was from July of Last summer. I haven’t heard anything since and I look at the local news on the KXAN app on my phone every day. If I may have missed it alright however and to every city that may read this one day, here is the truth, if there is a set of issues that are staring you right in the face and you say there is something that can be done and you then wait, I have one piece of advice. DON’T WAIT!!!!!! Just do it. Why do I say that is because it is not smart and yes, it is stupid to wait until shit hits the fan to start fixing the problems? If you say you are going to do something then do it. Don’t wait. Just fucking do it. Also, yes, I hate to say it and people are going to boo me but how about maybe adding some toll roads. Maybe like one on each major highway here in the city. That could help because then the city and the government can actually get out here and see it for themselves as well as if (And yes there are people who legitimately hold up traffic) people are holding up traffic, those who do it are fucked because they have one of two choices they can either go through or the highway patrol will arrest your ass. It’s one result of the immature growth which I will address at the end of this chapter.

 2.    Crime: Once again as listed in the world today, it does not matter about race. White, Black, Latino, etc. they all commit crimes. A few bad apples from each race will make their choice. Choices to rape women, deal drugs, rob stores, murdering people, it does not matter, people in each race will do it. It doesn’t matter. That’s not the issue. Don’t also give me the crime is everywhere bullshit, I know that I’m not an idiot. The issue is and I don’t care what an article says, not all articles are accurate and I don’t give a damn what anybody tries to tell me, crime has risen in Austin. As the years have gone by of me living in Austin, I’ am seeing more and more articles about crimes committed in Austin. In the last 2-3 years, I have seen more stories about homicide investigations after bodies are being found than I have seen my cock getting inside some pussy and getting wet and that’s a lot because I’ve never gotten laid. Gangs are starting to increase in this city, areas that used to be safe such as Campus, south congress, Round rock (Although it is its own area) etc. are not safe. I have something to say about Campus not being safe here shortly but wait until the homeless part which in a way is kind of a continuation of Crime. Now, again crime is everywhere. I can’t really explain how it normally increases. What I do know is that it is probably because of the immature growth and with the property tax. Austin used to be one of the safest cities in the World, but as more and more premature growth occurs where it is the whole oh just come on in without making improvements that will make your area sustainable, clean, or safe like someone who just got done hosting an orgy the night before and is now trying to get the house cleaned back up to make sure there isn’t god knows what contaminating the house before he or she has relatives coming into town. Does that make sense? I know it is a stupid example but I figured I try to make this somewhat funny. Crime is everywhere but it just seems like it is increasing more and more especially here in Austin because of this immature growth. Montopolis, way in the east 6th street, east Cesar Chavez, Rogge, used to be the only crime infested neighborhoods. Now it is increasing in areas that used to be safe. That is all I’m going to say on that.

  3.    The cost of Living/Starting to become more of a city for Rich Folk (Part 1): I was going to do homeless people next but I’m going to wait until number 5. Number 3, and I have to blame the media for this. Does anybody remember Detroit? Detroit used to be a wonderful city back in the 90’s. Lots of unique stuff to do. Now it is a shithole. Only downtown for the most part and the rich neighborhoods are where it is the safest in Detroit. Slowly that is what Austin is starting to become like. Because you have all these corporations opening up new businesses or a location for their extending company. Also, because you have all these fucks who move here from California who again DING DING DING MOST OF THEM ARE HIPSTERS!!!! Which is where I blame the media. THEY ARE IGNORING THE TRUTH!!!!!!!!! While we can’t stop growing in any city, Austin Texas is growing immaturely. All these fucks from California and New York come here with their money their fancy ass I’m a pussy who inherited this money from mommy and daddy and now I’m the owner of a billion-dollar corporation corporate fuck. You know what it’s doing it is raising the property tax immaturely which is probably and yes, it is a big cause of the Crime population rising and the homeless population rising. Which again because of the property tax rising, guess who gets the money into their pockets? It is the city and if anybody from the city wants to come after me or what not, go ahead. I’m exercising my first amendment rights. Freedom of speech. Not because it is my right, it is because I’m part of the few who pay attention to the truth. It is a cause of those two things I just listed because it is kicking people out of their homes who can no longer afford it. Some who then can’t afford to live anywhere else in this country. United States of America? Hah how about United States of Corporate America. Because that is what it is. You know what happens to those who get kicked out who can’t afford to leave the city to find somewhere else to live? They become homeless. They either snap because at this point the government doesn’t fucking care about them or they have to do what they have to do to survive. The media is at fault because they are ignoring the truth. Many more Austin Locals are joining me when we say to the Articles we see online or hear some famous person etc. saying oh how great is Austin Texas and that it is number 1 no wait I mean THE NUMBER 1 CITY IN AMERICA without seeing the truth that it comes at a cost to shut the fuck up. Because of it, more not all but most of these rich corporate hipster folk are just immediately jumping on board and as a result of it Locals who have lived here for years who are lucky to find another place to live leave when this has been their home for as long as I can remember.

 4.    Rich People plus now a festival for every goddamn thing imaginable and SXSW how much of a fucking nightmare it is: Ok this next one, really it has to do with yes, a little bit more continuation of the last part but it has to do with more festivals for every FUCKING thing imaginable. First of all, I love ACL. I’ve always wanted to attend ACL. ACL is classic Austin fest. I have absolutely no issue with ACL Fest. It is pure music. Some really good acts come to ACL every year. Kendrick Lamar is coming to the 2017 ACL Fest and he is headlining. I can’t afford it but at least it is not like BLOW YOUR BRAINS EXPENSIVE so one year I’m going to find a way to go. I also do not have an issue with some of the cool events that come here. Comic Con, Texas State Fair, The Rodeo, some of the cool concerts or shows that come here, and yes even the Wing Festival. Here is what I have a problem with though, the rest of the festivals and shit that are coming here brings a large amount of rich people or people who mostly not completely but mostly are just plain and simple looking to get fucked up. Almost like a what happens in Vegas stays in Vegas type of thing. Only instead it’s What happens in Austin stays in Austin. There is one festival that I’ am talking about in particular. South by Southwest. SXSW is a great festival for this motto. Interactive, Film, and Music. It is also great because it will make my people damn good money and then if I ever end up downtown one day it will make me some goddamn great money. Alright cool, I love money and I protect my money carefully. I Have a major problem however with most of the events being for people who can afford it and I mean very very wealthy. It is what it is. Yes, I get the free shows and stuff and if you get lucky, maybe just maybe you can see one of your favorite musicians who happened to decide to perform a free surprise show and yes it does bring famous people and celebrities from throughout which is cool. You may even get to run into one. That would be cool. However otherwise it is mostly for the party tourists and the rich people. I honestly blame the city a little bit, but I’ll tell you who else I blame, I blame the SXSW organization. You have to have a badge to get into all of the really interesting stuff, the cool stuff. The prices are an outrage and just shocking. It’s basically like telling most of the locals since you are in our city to fuck off that we (Talking about South by) only care about your money and if you party and are rich then alright cool welcome. I probably wouldn’t be surprised if it is ran by rude upper class modern day people. Probably is. Probably is. Alright now if somebody works hard to come up with a grand for that shocking arm and a leg price for the badge, ok cool. More power to you. If my people who are attending any of the events are having fun, definitely cool. If they are satisfied with making a fuck ton of money, then alright. Long as my people aren’t getting fucked with. Alright. Otherwise it is a party for mostly rich people and party people. The difference between SXSW and the other festivals is SXSW is EVERYWHERE and other festivals are at one specific location which doesn’t make the City as Chaotic like South by. As for the partying, there comes a point where it gets out of control. The last two SXSW’S, there have been shootings but before that back in 2014, there is a man who went by the name of Rashad Owens. Anybody remember Rashad Owens? No? Alright well Rashad Owens was a young black man. He was troubled though. He was on the run already due to some legal troubles he had in Alaska. It was to the point where he had warrants out for his arrest. On March 13th, 2014, Mr. Owens made a stupid mistake by getting so fucked up and shitfaced where he drove his car into a crowd of people. Two immediately died, two later passed away days later following the fatal injuries. Although he did try to run from the Cops, it is a blessing and a miracle that he recognized his mistakes and had remorse. It sucks that unfortunately that he had to pay the piper an even bigger price because capital murder is no joke ladies and gentlemen. I Still do pray for the victims and my heart goes out to the victims’ families who lost their loved ones and then my heart goes out to those who were a part of that horrible night who either survived or witnessed that horrible event but to those who have survived, my heart is happy for you. As well, because of Mr. Owens remorse for who he hurt because of his mistakes, although he will have to spend the rest of his life behind bars without parole, my heart does go out to him and I do pray that god will forgive him and help him find peace in his heart. It was a mistake, it was a stupid one, it is one that will live with him till he dies but I do wish him well. To the victims whose lives were taken, Rest in peace. Now for the shootings the last couple of years during South by, luckily no one was hurt. No one was killed but it did happen in the source of where the most irresponsible events and people are at, 6th street. This is what happens when crowd control starts to become a major issue which is what it has become each and every single South by. I get that it is a fun event for some. Money making event for most. However there comes a point where it does get out of control. If people want to have fun, ok. That’s fine. Some get irresponsible, ok. That’s fine. If you know how to handle it and know when enough is enough, alright then go ape shit. If you don’t then you got to look at yourself in the mirror dude. There will come a point where the crowd control will get so out of control and then more and more people will get irresponsible to the point where bad shit is going to happen. Crimes have even risen especially during South by. Some just because people are evil in this world (What will happen when a terrorist attack happens? Legitimate question to ask) and then others because people are just so infested and obsessed with getting so fucked up that they don’t care what happens and that is a problem. If the organization doesn’t figure out a way to make sure people are safe but yet they can still have fun, then as soon as a major crisis happens during their event then people are going to get tired of it. Shit I would not be surprised if petitions are being made to get them to wake the fuck up instead of being all about making money and partying. I really would not be surprised. I’m not talking about taking alcohol away, oh no no no. I’m talking about finding a way to get the crowd under control to where they can have fun and then still be safe. If they and yes, I’m basically calling them stupid, if they are smart enough to open up this organization and be in the positions they are in, then it shouldn’t be hard to find a way to keep the crowd under control, somewhat responsible but where they can still have fun and let loose. Why haven’t they done it? That’s my question. The thing that annoys me the most about the festival and this is just more of an annoyance. I have walked around this city a lot during south by over the years. Last year, I remember walking around during St. Patrick’s Day that night. Obviously, the worse night to do just that but I did it anyways because hey why not give it another shot. Well I was with one of my former best friends. We went but we obviously did not last long. All of the people fucked up. Navigating through 6th street during a Thursday night on St. Patrick’s night during South By, alright I think you know that is not the best time. While we were navigating through east 6th it was a fucking nightmare. My friend at the time was not himself so I ended up being the navigator. Well it was a pain in the ass and stressful especially being around a FUCK TON of people who were fucked up. Almost got into a fight with a few of them because they were pushing us mostly me and then giving me dirty looks. Others were screaming in my Face like ‘’WOOOOOO FUCKING AUSTIN!!!!!’’ and I don’t like that. I don’t like it when people scream in my face like that, because it’s just rude and I would’ve knocked them the fuck out. After that and then after dinner at WhichWich, we decided fuck this. So, we decided to head back to his place. Well as we were walking south towards Town Lake because that’s where we needed to catch a bus, we stopped for a few minutes at the bridge and it was just wasn’t a good night. That moment right there especially because so much was already happening in other areas of my life, it wasn’t pleasant. Of course, our well at this point my moment of peace was just interrupted by a bunch of partiers screaming and yelling. What annoys me the most is that most people not all but most people as well who move to Austin move here because of events like that, they just think that oh this city you can party all night long, get fucked up, fuck whoever you want, and just be irresponsible 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. It’s just annoying and irresponsible. It’s like they are still living in high school because in high school and somewhat college, it was all about the college experience. All fun and games. It’s just immature and annoying. As for the rest before I close out this part, the rest of the festivals (except ACL. HELL YEAH TO ACL IS awesome) it’s just annoying. These days it seems like there is a festival for everything in this city. Food and wine, Wings festival (I’m ok with that one again), etc. Like what next, Adler and Abbott one night double team Kim Kardashian and then now all of a sudden, it's going to be Kim Kardashian fest? It’s just annoying. Well if that is the case, I might have some suggestions. One in Particular. Longhorn Fest. Do it every year during the weekend of the red river Rivalry when we play Oklahoma. Or something for just us locals. Like ATX fest, to show appreciation to the locals who work hard or have done good things for this city etc. Really though, while I can appreciate that there is a lot to do in the city, more than what I was able to do in my hometown, I just wish that organizations who host festivals in our city can just make things a little fairer for us locals and safer. Example, South by again……

If they did the following, then alright maybe I will jump on board.

A.   Make your website to where you have to sign in or make an account to buy the damn badges and make a damn database to where if you are a local take 300 to 500 dollars off. If you are an out of townie then it stays the same. Make the database or policy to where it can do that. If they are smart enough to be where they are at then they should be smart enough as well to not only make the festival just a little safer but to make their fucking money-making badges cheaper for the locals. I can’t even begin to tell you how many times that I wanted to go to shows but you had to have a FUCKING badge to do that. B. Make the festival and the policy safer just a little bit. I’m not Talking about Martial Law type of safe, I’m talking about getting the crowd under control. Or like even more staff at bars and shit. That is just chaos right there.

      When you have to deal with this for 9 days once a year where a bunch of out of townies come from where they are at and they basically treat this like a party pad where anything goes and they don’t have to play by the rules where this also basically becomes their city then yeah, it’s like what the fuck ya know? South by does that, and the out of townies don’t get out of control then alright I’m on board. Otherwise, Welcome to Austin then 4 words DON’T FUCKING MOVE HERE!!!! We already have an overcrowded city and it’s just going to make things worse. When it is Tourists do whatever the fuck you want time, ok get it out of your system and then when time is up DON’T FUCKING STAY!!! PLEASE GET THE FUCK OUT!!!!!!!!

  5.    The final one. The homeless and the mentally unstable situation that also has to do with the crime part: Alright, this one I’m probably going to have the most to say on. Number 2 and 5 both have somewhat to do with each other. All of it for that matter has to do with each other but this one, I’m going to unleash. The homeless problem in Austin is a fucking major problem. Not all homeless people are bad. I know one personally and he is a good guy and I also know that there are always a few others who are legitimately trying to get out of their situations and turn it around especially if they get fucked by the system but the rest which is a good chunk of what I see on a day to day basis is a major problem. Shit I see it increasing more and more. Definitely in areas that used to be safe and not as infested are now becoming more infested. The things I see on a day to day basis from homeless people, it’s disturbing but it’s more sad. Talking to themselves, going apeshit, trying to panhandle for money just so they can go out and buy drugs and alcohol. Good lord it’s just gross. Even violently panhandling people for money for their addiction. In regard to areas that used to be safe, I have a perfect example. I have a question for everybody. Do you want to know why I have been saying Haruka Weiser? Well Haruka Weiser was a freshman at UT who got murdered by a homeless person last year who had mental problems. She was walking around campus one night by herself heading back to her dorm from the Drama Building which what I assumed she was part of a drama club for acting. Unfortunately, she never made it home that night and she was found dead in Waller Creek that Friday if I’m not mistaken. There was a young man by the name of Meechaiel Criner. He was 17 years old at the time. He was the suspect of Haruka Weiser’s killing. Now I did some background check on some articles from KXAN and the kid had problems that weren’t necessarily his fault because he did have to live in a bunch of foster homes and he was bullied. He even came home crying every day and his foster families from what I read ignored him. He was not a bad kid but he did have mental problems and he was homeless at the time. However, what he did was first degree murder so he did know what he was doing. My question is why Haruka? Why was he on campus that night? What was being done to help prevent this from happening before? He was homeless, he had a fucked-up home life throughout his entire life. He had nowhere to go. Not a lot of options and I will get to my response to the city here shortly but seriously why was he on campus that night? Blame has to go all around to everyone but Haruka and Haruka’s loved ones. She was from Portland for fuck sakes. She was a beautiful young lady who had so much to live for, and here we are having mental unstable crazy people (while yes, I understand he had a fucked-up life) like Meechaiel Criner roaming the streets. It is just an example of many. So many fucked up things with homeless people going on in this city. Here’s something more fucked up, not a lot of facilities to get these people into so they can get the help they need or the medications they need to help them with their problem. There’s only one homeless shelter and it’s the one on East 7th street. Even then every time I go by there, I just see a bunch of them all crowded outside, all messed up and getting fucked up and that’s just the tip of the iceberg with the homeless problem in the city. Seriously, everywhere I go in this city probably except for Southpark Meadows, all I see is homeless people everywhere and most of them are mentally unstable. The city and yes, the police have to do something about this. First of all build more shelters and facilities even if it is just like 3 or 4 more of each. You obviously have enough money for all these fucking bars, restaurants, housing, Condos, etc. for crying out loud to keep putting money in your pockets how bout you use your infinite source of unlimited money and keep the city safe and get these people the help that they need. Second, I don’t care if you have to force the ones who don’t want to go. You fucking drag them if you must. Third, and yes this is true, stop dragging most of them from fucking California. Stop taking them in from California. California, Missouri, New Orleans, or just anywhere. State or cities. That is their problem. Not ours and it shouldn’t be our problem. The homeless population is getting so out of control as well to where stuff like the murder of Haruka Weiser keep happening. What are you going to do Austin? Hmmmm? People are going to say again but Sky there are homeless people everywhere in the country and world? Ok yes, I get it. Again, do not tell me something I already fucking know. There are homeless people all over the country and yes probably world. Anybody who says that is correct, including me. I know, I’m not stupid. However, from what I have seen so far, Austin has the worst problem. I’ve been to other cities. As a matter of fact, here is some of the major cities I have been too and I’ll tell you what I have seen…

-Miami: When I was in Miami last summer, I barely saw a homeless person in sight. Me and the old man explored a good chunk of Miami. Miami has their shit together. Besides, I love the city of Miami.

-Kansas City: More quiet. More peaceful. Not as fucking nuts. As far as the homeless problem goes, same as Miami. However, there were more but they weren’t everyfuckingwhere in the city and then some wherever you went.

-New Orleans: Bourbon Street. Otherwise the rest of the city is pretty normal.

-Houston: Saw some downtown but Houston was already big so honestly, I don’t know and I should because I have been there many times.

-Waco: None

- San Marcos: None at all.

-Columbia: None well that’s not true. I did see one here and there.

-Oklahoma City: West side was a little rough

-Tulsa: None

-DFW Area: A little bit like Austin but not much.

 So, anybody who dares to try to test me and say Oh Sky you don’t know anything, oh believe me I do know something. I know a lot more than you think. I get that there is still so much to see so yes you are right on that but until I get proven wrong just like on a lot of things, Austin right now hands down is the worst when it comes to Homeless people. It’s increasing by the minute almost every day. While there are good people who for real got screwed by the government and who are trying to get their shit together, most of the rest are roaming the streets doing god knows what. It is a problem. What is the city going to do about it? Right now it seems like nothing.

 6.    The Construction Always Holding People up: One thing to say about this, most of the time when there is a construction area, most of the time there is nobody there doing A DAMN THING!!! When you do see workers, they are not doing a damn thing!!! Every time for the most part when I’m by one or close to one, that is what I see most of the time.  Do your jobs and then fucking do whatever. Don’t just stand around and do nothing. It is also a part of the traffic problem. Happens almost a lot throughout the city and my bus route.

  Ok so here we are with Closing. I’m going to close it with this. It is not too late to fix the issues that our city has and they aren’t normal issues folks, they are BIG ISSUES. It’s just like majority of congress, Scientists and Bernie Sanders back and forth with Donald Trump, and The Republican Party in regard to Climate Change. Obviously, climate change is real. Bernie, Majority of Congress, scientists etc. believe that is real especially with the scientific research behind it by some of the best scientists in the world. It is but Donald Trump and the Republican Party continue to not believe it and deny it. That is how I’ am when it comes to our city. It is still a great city for now but there will come a point that if the city for once in their lives and this is with any city, any state, any country, and anybody in the world can just stop being about fucking money for once, then we can get this under control. Why do I say Austin just like how it is with Billionaires? Well this is them normally, we want more. Build build Build. Come on in. Cha Ching. Oh, wait we want even more. Build more condos, build more condos, build more condos. Thanks for your money but wait we are not done. WE WANT EVEN MORE…… BULD EVEN MORE CONDOS, MORE CORPORATE OFFICES, BUILD MORE HOUSES, INVITE MORE RICH PEOPLE, RAISE THE FUCKING PROPERTY TAXES. OK COOL BUT WAITTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTTT WE WANT MORE!!!!!!!!!!!! Do you see where I’m going with this? Money and power is getting to their heads to the point where it’s blinding them. This is with any city and I hope any city official or whatever from any other city who reads this takes this seriously and looks at the Detroit situation as an example. If the city can do the right thing and fix the problems and I mean the major problems that we have here in Austin first without the constant immature growth then once you fix it then ok continue to build but what the city is doing is trying to get more of what they want etc. without looking or building a strategy to prevent major backfire down the road. Austin Texas is still a great beautiful city. For how long though? What is the city going to do?

                                                    - The World Today-

                                                Chapter Song: ACDC- TNT

      Key Word: Liberative (Word I created and which I ‘am considering myself by the way)- Someone who has a mix of both Liberal and Conservative views.

   As I have said earlier, and I’m going to say it one final time. Not all are bad. Not all cops are bad. Not all homeless people are bad. Not all people are bad. Not all Hipsters are bad. Not all Politicians are bad. Not all athletes are bad. Not all rich people are bad. Not all businessmen are bad. Etc. Why do I say it? Because I want to clarify that despite my distrust for a good majority for today’s society, I’ am trying to not be the Grumpy old at a young age bastard. Even though most of my feelings are valid. I feel that way. That is what this chapter is about. Before I begin, let me say one more thing as well. No one should ever be judged by their race, sexuality (in the right way), sexual preference, gender, disabilities, religion. It’s all about the personality and the shit you do. Let me make an example, I don’t care if you are black, Latino, Muslim, etc. If you go out and do stupid shit or evil acts like raping women, terrorist attacks, killing and murdering innocent people, etc. Then I have a problem. I’ am 100 percent straight, but I don’t care if somebody is gay or a lesbian. As long as you aren’t evil and a bad person with a bad head on your shoulders then you are good in my book and should be good in this book of our society. I’ll be straight, this whole world is fucked up. There are people in each group who ruin it for the rest. Here is another fact, it shouldn’t be just one group of people’s lives matter. It shouldn’t be just black. Shouldn’t be just white. Shouldn’t be just Latino. Not just gay lives. Not just Asian. Not just Muslim. Not just Buddhist or anything else. All LIVES MATTER!!!! This whole a certain group of people’s lives matter thing is just really fucking stupid. We all deserve a chance to live a good life. A happy life. A safe life. If you are a good person who doesn’t go out and do stupid shit to get in trouble with the law or evil acts of terror to hurt people or fuck over other people etc. then 100 percent you deserve nothing but the best and the best life possible for you and your loved ones. That is just 100 percent fact. Nothing will change my mind. The biggest problem that is facing our society today especially in our country is classism. I listed earlier that most of what I see today most people are in their own class. If you aren’t rich, you are nothing. If you don’t fucking party hardcore almost every night and go out every night, you are nothing. If you are not a hipster, you are nothing. If you are not a politician or a corporate scumbag, you are nothing. If you are not a douchebag or scumbag in general, you are nothing. If you are not a gangster, you are nothing. Not all is true but a good chunk of it is. I’ll give you two examples of probably many that I don’t remember of how much I mean what I say that not all are bad. Number 1, Glenn and Michelle who are two very close friends of me and my fathers, they make really DAMN GOOD MONEY!!!!!! Guess what because I know them and I have gotten to know them, they are good people. They are examples of the rare few people that are not like your average everyday rich upper class privileged people and corporate scumbags. They may make great money better than what me and my father may both make, but they are amazing people. They don’t go out and brag about oh they are super fucking rich and that because they are rich, the world revolves around them. Oh no no no no no. They are the opposite. They’ve always had a good head on their shoulders and plus they are more old souls. They started from the bottom to get to where they are. They didn’t inherit money from mommy and daddy. They didn’t fuck anybody over to get to where they are. They graduated from UT. Most of today’s society of rich people or people who make damn great money, they either fuck people over. Take advantage of the weak system. They inherit money and basically have everything handed to them. Never had to live in reality a day of their life. Well not Glenn and Michelle. Shout out to them. Much love to them. Example 1 of not all people are bad. Example two, my homegirl Caitlin who I met right after I got back from my 6 weeks away last summer. Now I don’t want to put non-facts in but Caitlin from what I see (Shout out to Caitlin by the way) kind of lives the hippie/hipster life style. Kind of. Don’t hold me to that. Again, I don’t know the full story. Even though I’ve known her for about 9 months almost a year come August, I don’t want to put non-facts and then it causes a problem. I really don’t need any more issues at least for a while. I base everything and all my views from what I see or what I hear. However, my point being is Caitlin is a sweetheart. As I’ve gotten to know her over the last several months, we’ve become closer and tighter as friends. We obviously don’t talk every day and we don’t hang out a lot but that’s ok. The important thing is that she is a sweetheart.  Also, as I have said as well, if you are also somebody who knows my people and in the same group etc. you are cool in my book. Those are two of many examples of when I mean that I have come a long way from I despise everybody to not all are bad. I still don’t trust a lot of today’s society and I may never will. I don’t despise everybody as well. There are 10 percent that I don’t despise. It’s why I base it on personality and what you do. I don’t care if you are black, white, gay, Latino, Straight, Asian, etc. If you are a good person and have a good head on your shoulders, you are alright. That being said, now here is my take on each of what is wrong with today’s society. Let me put it to you this way, if you hated high school, it almost kind of feels like a continuation of high school. Only in the real world.

 Cops: Ice Cube said it best, not all are bad. There are a few though who are living back in the racist days who need to go. That I agree with. There are others who don’t live by the protect and serve. They do but their motto is more of protect and serve the upper class. Where everyone else they’ll be like ‘’We’ll do what we can!!’’ and then for the upper class, I guarantee you that this is them every time and I quote ‘’You just hang tight and we will do whatever it takes. I promise.’’ End Quote. I say that in response to an incident that happened a few weeks ago. A Few weeks ago, Camille had her house broken into while she wasn’t home. Had a lot of her things stolen. Of course, while the cops were right that she does need the serial numbers to help them, they did lay the whole ‘’We’ll do what we can!!’’ Now I’m just going to say it right now, the cops are lucky she didn’t get hurt because if she did and they did the ‘’We’ll do what we can!!’’ excuse, I would lose my shit. I don’t care if I’m rich or not. If that happens to anybody I care about, I will have their jobs and while I may not have the money to buy the chief off to get them fired, I will do whatever it takes. Honestly, I need to rant about the everyone else vs rich people part when it comes to cops now, I think it’s stupid that they’ll do whatever it takes for the upper class and for the rest, they’ll do what they can. Camille is a hard-working citizen in this country, and I just think it’s really disgraceful that most cops are either racist or will do the most work for those who have money. Greedy motherfucking cockmonkeys. I’m serious, I don’t care, if anybody I cared about ever got hurt and they called the cops then the cops did the whole ‘’not a lot we can do, we’ll do what we can’’ excuse…here is what is going to happen. I can either have their jobs taken away, they can do something and stop being lazy fucks, or if they decide to not do anything about it or half-ass it, I’ll do something about it instead. I don’t care if it’s the last thing I do. I’m not afraid to sacrifice myself if it means I’m going out fighting for the right thing or my people who have stood by myside, I’ll do it. To the racist ones, I also mean that those who shoot unarmed black people, those are the ones who need to go. Yes, the ones as well who only protect and serve the ones with money, also NEED TO GO!!!! However, there are a rare few who are still good-hearted people who are just trying to do their jobs and who actually still have a soul. My cousin Danny who is a cop in Springfield, Missouri is one of the good ones and he has a soul. Otherwise I personally think that most cops these days are a disgrace to the force. Because of the fact, they are lazy and dicks to everyone else and oh so kind to the upper class. Which Is why unless you are an athlete, musician, or a celebrity or just anyone who actually worked hard and did not have anything handed to you by mommy and daddy, I fucking cannot stand the average rich folk well not all because not all are bad but most. Who go around and then when you try to be nice to them, they just look at you like why in the fuck are you looking at me loser and oh believe me I’ve seriously had moments of that.

 Most Rich People/Corporate Scumbags: First of all, it really is because of what is going on in Washington. They basically own the country now even before Trump came in. They don’t care who they have to hurt and what they have to destroy to get money in their pockets. Money. Power. Pussy is what runs this world and shows your worth in this society. There’s good and bad to it. Most rich people especially corporate scumbags take advantage of it. All because of Citizens united. Citizens united, hah yeah right. More like billionaires United. Buying elections to their favorite politicians in exchange for favors to put more money in their pockets. I will be honest, because of what I have been through thus far, if I became rich would I enjoy it? Yes. The only difference is, because of the shit I’ve endured so far, I would enjoy it but becoming rich would be a reward for all the hell I endured over the years. When it comes to Politics, if a billionaire tried to buy a politician to let’s say shut down all of the observatories and science labs to prevent research on potential ways to save our planet from galactic threats or to prevent climate change, if he offered 1.5 million to make it happen, I will counter with 2.5 million to not go through with that and I will throw in a 250k bonus to do something to do something to benefit the planet or country. To tell the evil billionaire to take a fucking hike. Yes, I would buy politics myself but the complete opposite of what your average everyday corporate scumbag would buy politics for. Now the only corporate groups/billionaires I don’t have a problem are those who own sports teams for example like Mark Cuban. Also, those like Howard Schultz and CEOs who own major establishments like Starbucks, or Whataburger etc. Honestly again even though I don’t know what goes on behind closed doors, I base it on what I see. Now as for your everyday rich person who lives out in a rich neighborhood, I can’t even begin to tell you how many times I would try to just be friendly and say hi to somebody like that, and they would just look at you like wow did this non-rich guy say hi to us. Then they give you dirty looks. I mean come on, just because your rich don’t mean you have to be a fucking asshole or bitch to everybody who is lower and doesn’t have all the money than you. I mean really, grow the fuck up. You are not in high school anymore. You are grown adults. There are also sometimes events where you can’t get into unless you have Money or part of the upper class. See the Austin Texas Chapter for a prime example. Last but not least, again back to the relationship part and this is either men or women. If you can’t notice that your relationship is based on a lie and not on true love. Also, that you are only with someone just because of the money he or she makes then you really are fucked up. Maybe and yes I’ am taking into consideration that maybe sometimes it is what they want and they are ok with that. Being married, or in a committed relationship because of their money. It is just fucked up. That is just me though.

 Homeless People: Alright, this one is where I’m on both sides. There is one side where they are legitimately on hard times and that they are trying to their situation. Others, where they just stopped caring. They got addicted to drugs or drinking. Panhandling money just to get more drugs or alcohol. Every city has to get some of the blame. Not all but some. Austin Texas Chapter for more. There is this guy who is homeless that me and my Homeboy Chris know. His name is Robert. He is definitely not like your average everyday crazy. Who goes around and panhandles especially aggressively. No that is not him at all. He has a very small job he does every week and he’s trying really hard to get out of his situation. He’s a chatter box hahaha but I’d rather have a chatter box yet a good person than a crazy person who follows you and harasses you. I’ve had some bad experiences. One where I almost beat the fuck out of one of them. To those who are trying on their own like Robert to get their situation turned around, my heart and prayers are with you. If I ever at that moment can do anything to help, I will do the best I can. To those who truly don’t care, I hope you get the help you are looking for. To every city out there who has a major problem, like what Austin does, GET YOUR HEADS OUT OF YOUR ASS AND FIX IT!!!!!!! To start the Austin Texas chapter, I’ll give you one major example. Does anybody Remember the Haruka Weiser killing on our campus? It was a homeless guy who had a mental problem. Not enough facilities to get these people help to make sure nothing like the murder of Haruka Weiser happens again. They say oh everything is good. NO, IT’S NOT but I will wait until the Austin Texas and attention to all cities all across the world chapter. I’m glad they caught the guy who killed Haruka Weiser but there needs to be more done. I don’t care what anybody says, it is the fucking truth.

 Stuck up Party People/Most Hipsters (Almost in a way some of this not all but some also goes with the rich people part): Most not all but most Hipsters just annoy me really. It’s really the stuck-up ones that annoy and bug the hell out of me. Well There are some who are in the upper class. That is also what annoys me and also, I compare Hipsters to Jive People of the 50’s. Tacky Clothing. Weird Music. Really as well though, most of them are douchebags and bitches. Now the number 1 thing is when as soon as something new comes out here is what happens. Hipsters be like ‘’OH MY GODDDDD THAT IS SO HIP!!! LIKE WE HAVE TO JUMP ON BOARD THE NEWEST AND COOLEST HIP THING!!!!!!! HIP HIP HIP!!!!!!!! They always get the first crack at the newest sensation. I’m sorry to anybody I may offend next, but I live in a hipster majority city. Not all and again you know what I’ am going to say about anybody I know. That is different, and it is because I like you as a person and you are not a normal average everyday hipster. As I was saying, I live in a hipster majority city. Most of everywhere I almost go, I see a majority hipster group. Again, not all of them are bad but for most, if you don’t see their point of view and what not, then you are nothing to them.  Now as for party people, I’ve known a lot and still do. Not all are bad. Not all of them do it every single fucking night unlike others. My biggest thing though is that, there are others who I have known throughout my life and that is what they are all about. I’ve known moms who have done that even. Go out. Drinking. Getting fucked up. Hooking up with one or more people. Like that is just their entire life. Working and then spending almost if not all of their money to go out and get fucked up. I’ll give you two examples. One of them is involving one of my favorite NFL network analysts. This one and the other example are fucking hilarious. There are more but these two are my favorites. This first example is involving Jane Slater. She is the former Longhorn Network Sideline reporter now working for NFL Network most notably for the Dallas Cowboys. Well first of all, I like Jane a lot. She is beautiful and a sweetheart. I have nothing against her. Now the funny thing is, one day I was on Instagram and I follow her on Instagram. Well there was this picture of her and two other friends of hers. One of them a former college roommate. The first part of that caption I do not remember but the second part read oh the stories that were told. She grew up. I never did. HAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAH I LAUGHED MY FUCKING ASS OFF!!!! IT WAS ON JANE SLATERS INSTAGRAM PAGE!!! Now it didn’t annoy me like normal with other people or areas. It was annoying but it a very fucking hilarious way. Look Jane is successful for what she does. I like her a lot. At the end of the day she has the right to do whatever. She does go out a lot. I don’t know her. But I do see her pics on Instagram. I don’t know what goes on 100 percent but I think you get my point. It was funny as shit. Shout out to you Jane. You beautiful Kind-hearted babe you. Keep up the good work. I wish you were back on Longhorn Network. The second one involved an ex-girlfriend of one of the former players on our squad. I can’t say specifics on this next one like names and shit especially because I have a great reputation when it comes to my Guys and I absolutely do not want to risk it. Well here is what happened. I follow her on Instagram. Well she went to Vegas for her birthday and there was this picture on her Insta Story. The picture was a picture of google and in the search engine it read how to not get a hangover? Then the pic caption read YOU’RE NOT HELPING GOOGLE!!!!!!!!!!!!! HAHAHAHHAHHAHHAHAHAHA WOWWWWWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!! Ok, see what I’m saying. There is no way in hell to prevent a hangover unless you are somebody like me. I may have gotten a couple to be honest but otherwise most times when I have gotten drunk, I was never suffering from a hangover. Never even THREW UP ONCE!!!! Crazy huh? Well it is true. She definitely is not in the same category as Jane Slater. I’m sure the other one is a sweetheart maybe. I don’t know. She could be a huge bitch. I don’t know either but you see what I’m saying. It’s ok to go out and have a good time. I’ve done it. It’s a rare occasion. I’ve gotten fucked up too. Also, rare occasion. Shit as I have probably said already when my guys win a national championship in Hoops, that calls for a major fucking celebration. If you don’t think I will go out and get fucked up, I will especially because that is going to be a big moment not only for me. Not only for our program. Not only for UT. Not only for our guys and coaching staff. But for the entire City of Austin and the true members of Longhorn Nation. I will. Otherwise that’s not me. What I’m saying is it’s ok to go out, have a good time, and let loose. However there comes a point where people make that their life. Every single Night.  Yeah ok, I get that to some people maybe it’s an escape but it’s not a healthy escape. Last but not least to kind of combine the rich people part and this one. The thing that mostly annoys me is while people like me have to fight for everything and it’s a rare occasion we get a vacation and what not, here we are seeing pictures of your many great fucking vacations. Oh, we are so cool. We are on vacation. When you come back, OH MY GOD LETS GO ON ANOTHER ONE A FUCKING WEEK LATER!!!!!! (A week later passes again) OH MY GOD LETS DO YET ANOTHER ONE!!!!! (A week later) WOW LETS GO ON ANOTHER ONE!!!! Like dude ok we get it you are fucking rich. You have money. You are in the upper class. Cool. Like drop it. Now if you are going to see family or an event like a wedding etc. that’s different but just to go on vacation just to go…......MULTIPLE TIMES!!!!!!! Yeah ok dude whatever you say. OHHHHHHH SHIT!!! AHAHAHAHHAHAHAHA there actually is one more. Before I do that, if you are ever having a drink to honor somebody who has passed and you want to remember them. Also, celebration and unwinding after a hard day of work, that is ok. Otherwise another thing I find fucking hilarious is most people use holidays like Memorial Day etc. to get fucked up. I mean come on, it’s obvious. I saw a picture a couple of days ago where it said on one side ‘’ This is Great I wish every weekend was memorial weekend.’’ On the other side, it said ‘’For some families it is.’’ (Shaking my head while laughing) Damn so you see what I’m saying?

 Before I Continue I’ am now going to give a little advice to men and women. I’m going to do a section for each because honestly both us men and then women have some problems but when it comes to this definitely it is fucked up. So here it is. Now before I start this small section, this has to do with the hypocrisy of most. Now if men or women love to play the field and shit. For Men; Licking pussy and assholes, getting it in to get your dick wet, getting your cock sucked etc. Women: Taking it in the ass, getting your meat eaten, wanting to get a load of cum, well then no one is stopping you. I won’t. I can’t. All I can say is be careful. Now as for the hypocrites here is a section just for you and it is a little advice.  

 Men: Women are beautiful creatures. Most on the Outside. Some on the Inside. Some you want to see nude. Get it in with, right? I definitely do. Well that’s normal for us guys and normal for women. Sex is a natural thing. However, I want to look at it from the woman’s standpoint and ladies out there, pay attention to this. Guys pay attention to this, if you really want to win over a woman, most of them don’t want to hear about how you are the fucking shit. There is a difference between having confidence and acting like a douchebag/egomaniac/sociopath. Sociopath is where they don’t care about you. They only talk about themselves the entire time just to get stick their cocks inside your mouth, your pussy, or that ass. Most of it falls on the men but some women need to take blame because some douchebags and women get into relationships and after a while, something happens and then it causes a shit storm. They also do not appreciate you treating them like objects. Now granted we are all hypocrites when it comes to looks. I know I’ am. I Said it earlier but most of the time acting like a douche bag won’t get you far for long. Be a gentleman, ask how her day is, ask about her. When you do that in most instances, they will come around. Also, if you just want to look for hookups well then the Bar scene is just for you. There is a rare few that true relationships are formed from the Bar/Club/Partying scene. I think you know what I’m going to say next but point being from what I have seen or heard, that’s what I witness. So, men……if you are out and about, if you want a chance of a hook up, bar. But if you want to meet a woman for a long-term relationship then meet her at a coffee shop etc. show her some respect and chances are your douchebagness will not get you far. Also, be honest, be straight, be respectful, be loyal once you are in a relationship.

 Women: Please forgive me when I say I do not want to offend anybody. First of all, half naked pictures of you on social media is not necessarily the answer either. If you or your hookup or significant other want to sext each other nude pictures, then do the obvious. Sext each other. Now I’m talking about if you are modeling, at the beach relaxing, with family at a beach, Barbeque, showing off a cool tattoo, the lake, the pool, or weight loss progress, showing off a cool and pretty dress or whatever, ok that is different. But posting half naked pictures of yourself on social media, while yes even I find that very hot because I’m a guy, I would never use a woman just for sex unless it was a friend with benefit kind of thing. Also, again with the trust thing, you want to be careful with who you trust because people do use and you can be affected by it. You may not think so but if you attract the wrong crowd of guys, yes you can become a part of the I was just only used for my body looks. Also, money should not be the deciding factor for a relationship. I think it is stupid it is. My point being is if you want to look for a hook up, most of the time yes it will be at a party, club, or a bar. However, if you want to look for a long-term relationship, the club scene necessarily is not the only place to find that. If you look carefully and closer also out of your comfort zone, there are good people out there. Like for example, I’m not in the best shape. Yes, I don’t make a shit ton of fucking money, and yes, I’ am also a very mouthy guy and a very opinionated guy at first but once you get to know me, despite my flaws I’m actually not a bad guy and also I’m not the worst looking guy in the room neither. So, what I’m saying is pay attention to the signs. Again, if it is just for sex that you are ok with having a guy come after you for and it is something that you two have come to an agreement on? Then ok fine. More power to you. However, if it is a long term you want, be careful with who you trust. Get to know somebody first. Also, unless fate calls for it where you meet your future special someone man or woman at a club, party, or a bar, that scene to be honest is not the best scene to look for that. That’s all. Doesn’t make you bad but it is the truth. However as well, if you are in a long-term relationship with a guy or a woman, make sure you take time to appreciate each other. Men if you are reading this, this goes for you with either a woman or a man.

Both: Be honest, be respectful, be open, be straight, be truthful, be loyal, set boundaries. Appreciate each other, compromise, love each other, fight for one another. Set time for each other. Don’t neglect. And Most importantly accept each other for their assets and their flaws.

 There are more but those are mine. The overall take is I’ am concerned about the overall state of our future and the future for our children. Number 1, what is going on in our own country is not ok.  People may not agree with me on this part and that’s ok but despite the scandals, I Really am not rooting for Trump to fail. However, he was not my president. Neither was Hillary. Did I support Trump? I’ll be honest after Bernie got screwed, yes only because Hillary did not run a clean campaign. I didn’t vote for him and I did not vote for Hillary. Thanks to her friends in the DNC and that cunt Debbie Wasserman Schultz, they screwed the rightful presidential candidate in the Primaries. Yeah, I said it. Debbie Wasserman Schultz is a cunt for what she did. Yes, it is a sensitive subject. And I’m sorry to anybody I may have offended. Look I respect that a majority of voters wanted Hillary Clinton in office because she would be the first woman president in the history of the United States but I’m sorry she was not the right candidate. Not because she was a woman. However it was because of this reason and let me make this clear, she did not lose because she was a woman. She lost because she ran a very dirty campaign. The Clinton Family has had a history of scandals throughout their time in Washington. Most importantly it is because her and her establishment Buddies in the DNC most notably that Cunt Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Goddamn it I Fucking hate her. I cringe every time I say that name) screwed the rightful presidential candidate that is Bernie Sanders.

Most people news and anywhere: ‘’ OH HILLARY YOU ARE THE SAVIOR!!!! YOU ARE WHAT’S GOING TO BRING US FORWARD!!!!!! BLAH BLAH BLAH!!!’’

 NEWSFLASH PEOPLE, SHE IS NOT OUR FUCKING SAVIOR!!!!!! Bernie Sanders was the rightful candidate to represent the Democratic party although the two-party system and the party system in general is a load of horse shit. Especially when most put their party’s agenda over the country first. I never got into politics until Bernie Sanders came onto the scene but before I get into Bernie Sanders and why he would’ve been the best president we could’ve ever had, let me say this. Number 1, where were the protests when Bernie got screwed?!?!??!?!? I’m pretty confident that most people on tv clearly seen why he was the actual rightful candidate. But no, it was all about Hillary. When she lost the election, almost everyone lost their shit. Where was the anger for Bernie? A lot of people should’ve known that once Hillary and her DNC Buddies fucked Bernie, that was the moment where well I guess Trump is going to be president. If you want somebody to blame for Trump being elected, blame Debbie Wasserman Schultz aka the Cunt.  Ok I understand that majority of people did not and I repeat DID NOT want Trump in office. I didn’t want him elected either really although I said I hope he does just to teach the establishment in the democratic party a lesson. When the Cunt and the DNC screwed Bernie, I knew right there that oh fuck Donald Trump was going to get into office. This election was the lesser of two evils. Now that time has passed, yeah maybe Hillary Clinton maybe just maybe would’ve been a little better, but I still hate the bitch. If she would’ve ran a cleaner campaign without the help of the Cunt and her establishment buddies in the DNC, ok maybe I would’ve voted for her, but no the cunt and the DNC basically colluded to screw the rightful presidential candidate. I did not vote for either. I hated both. I hate Hillary, but I also hate Trump. At this point I just want what is best for the Country. You know what would be amazing for this country? A joint ticket. Bernie Sanders and John Kasich. Doesn’t matter who is President or Vice President. The first ever in our generations history, a joint ticket for office. Imagine the many possibilities that we could achieve if we had a joint ticket most notably those two? So many things can be done. You already know I love Bernie Sanders, but John Kasich has won me over throughout the last several months. So, me and the old man before he went to Los Angeles for a business trip were sitting in the Living Room one night. We were watching the Bernie Sanders and John Kasich joint town hall addressing the Donald Trump-James Comey-Russia Situation. Everything they said was right on the money about how we need to get to the bottom of this and everybody in congress (Washington and All over the Country etc.) needs to get their heads out of their asses and work together. Let me tell you this investigation is serious. Bernie always says the right things but John Kasich at the end of the Town hall said hands down some of the best things I have ever heard that night. A conservative who sees both sides and at this point is wanting the Country over party first. Basically, is done with the party first bullshit. Here is some of the things that he said and I quote from the CNN town hall debate (By the way I do not own these quotes. They belong to CNN Overall. Special Thank you CNN for hosting this Town Hall. Fantastic Town Hall

‘’ Science matters...our environment matters.”- John Kasich

While saying he believes in the “traditional” form of marriage, Kasich said, “I don’t want to have anyone feeling oppressed...the decision that has been made by the court has been made and as far as I’m concerned, we move on. I don’t want anyone to be discriminated against.”- John Kasich from his Town Hall in April

"Settle down, love your neighbor like you want to be treated.’’- John Kasich

 That last one was hands down the best thing he said that night and overall the best thing that was said that night. It’s sad that friendships and relationships are falling apart because of the divided country that is being presented before us. Although I think what’s going on in our country is serious and an absolute fucking disaster especially with Billionaires owning our government basically and this country is basically a country for the upper class. Those in Washington like Bernie and Elizabeth Warren and then Governor Kasich have had enough because the truth is starting to come to light. This isn’t a joke anymore this is serious. Also, I originally thought that when Trump was running for president, because he was an outsider and most of the things that he has promised, he was going to keep. Obviously, that has not been the case. The one thing that I do agree with Trump on is while yes hold on a second people are going to be like oh my god you agree with the wall? You agree with him building a Wall? I did not say that. I do agree that we need to make our country safe again. Our cities safe again especially. Austin is a perfect example. Yes, it is growing but it comes with a price. Everything comes at a cost. Obviously, that isn’t happening when he is having secret meetings and revealing classified information to the Russians but as far as overall such as terrorists who are associated with ISIS etc. I agree. Especially when they turn our own people against us and it causes Cases of domestic terrorism. Now again as I have said, I don’t support keeping families apart. Also, and yes people are possibly going to Boo me for this but I never once heard Trump say ALL Immigrants. I heard him say all ILLEGAL IMMIGRANTS!!! Those who have went through the process the right way etc. alright then yes, they have just as much of a right to be here. There are some though and it doesn’t matter where you are from, there are some who have ruined it for others because of the trust factor after doing things such as terrorism, killing people, smuggling drugs etc. I’m sorry but it is true and in this world, you have to be careful with who you trust and who you let into your house. Basically it’s like adding security to your home. There are some blacks (Ghetto people and Gangbangers) who ruin it for the rest. Whites (Corrupt Politicians and Cops) who ruin it for the rest. Some Muslims (Terrorists) who ruin it for the rest. Some Latinos (Gangbangers) who ruin it for the rest. I think you get where I’m going I’m this. That I do agree with. Again, I don’t have a problem with race or religion or sexuality or sexual preference etc. I have a problem with the kind of person you are, the way you act, and the things you do whether you do douche bag type of shit, criminal, or evil deeds. That I do have a problem with. For example, and I apologize as well to all my black friends and the good ones, definitely not trying to offend you. Just trying to make a point, but let’s say someone went up to a friend of mine who was black and called them a Nigger. Donald Trump hates Niggers and shit like you Niggers better go back to the holy Nigger land where Niggers go to die (I have a True story about that actually which I will tell here in a minute).  If I was right there and heard that I don’t care what you are, you say that to any of my black friends or people who I know that are black (all who are good people especially my Neighbor Daryl or my squad and their families) or any innocent black person who is just trying to live a normal life. I will say something. I have a major fucking problem with racism especially towards my people. I’ll tell you a quick story. There was this one time I was downtown having lunch at a place where my homeboy Rod was manager at. We were outside. Me, Him, and our homeboy Eli. There is this crazy fucking messed up old lady who smokes a fucking lot of cigarettes comes up to Rod. Rod of course is working but he is also not an angry person. Of course, he has to keep his cool as well professionally. Understandable. So, I don’t necessarily remember how it got started but it ended with her going on a racist rant. Saying Shit like ‘’All you Niggers are the fucking same.’’ ‘’Fucking Niggers.’’ ‘’Fuck you ya fucking Nigger.’’ Just very inapposite and very racist.  While Rod is over there being calm, the old crazy hag walks off and says ‘’Yeah go to hell you fucking Nigger.’’ It was just like wowwwwwwwwwww ok you have problems. The lady is lucky that the laws favor that no woman is to be hit unless you are defending yourself or your family from serious danger. Otherwise honestly, I would’ve knocked the bitch out. I don’t care if you have mental problems. That is just wrong. You also don’t talk about my people like that because yes if the laws allowed that women can be hit there are a few that do need to be hit. I don’t normally condone violence on women because they are beautiful creatures and plus mostly they are innocent. Confused in some instances and just innocent. That is fine and understandable. Nothing wrong with that. Nothing wrong with them. There are others who don’t know better that do need to learn some lessons like for example crazy ones like That racist old lady. Rich women who think they are better than every other woman. My Stepmom……. Multiple times, Debbie Wasserman Schultz (Oh god would I do anything to smack that lying bitch cunt right in her fucking face. I’ll smack that bitch and fuck up that pretty little face of hers). I know that is wrong of me to say because I do love women. I do not normally condone Violence on Women, I think it is wrong, but I would be lying if I said that there aren’t a few here and there who do need to learn a fucking lesson and it is no excuse to act the way they do like those who I have just listed. However then for those who are fucked up on drugs etc. who try to do fucked up shit or who are in relationships and continue to cheat on their loyal man. There are more but there is one that I wish I could and then another situation where if you fuck with any of my people especially women figure like my Mom, my little sister, any of my people here in town, or most importantly Camille or her family, pending on the situation I’ll fucking whack ya senseless. There’s one in particular that If I saw him messing with Camille, I’ll fuck him up. Her ex Spencer. Fucking scumbag.  I’ll make my father sit that one out. I know Camille and him are together but I don’t want him having anymore to deal with than he already has with the Business and trying to get his legal dilemma taken care of so if I see that Fucking Cockmonkey Spencer Fucking with Camille, I’ll take care of him and let him know that he will not fuck with my people especially people who accept me for who I’ am. Alright I’ am getting off major subject. So, as I was saying, who cares if you are black, white, Latino, Asian, Muslim, men, women, Christian, Buddhist, atheist, Gay, straight, etc. I SURE AS SHIT DON’T!!!!! Neither should anybody else and it is sad. Now when it comes to shit like religion and what not, I don’t trust the entire set of views of a normal Christian, Muslim, Islam, and the rest of the religions especially because a lot of people who believe in those religions corrupted it and used it as an excuse to do horrible things. Priests raping little boys, Terrorists using the teachings of Islam and Muslim and turning the words into their favor as an excuse to perform acts of Terrorism, and just evil shit like that but however if you are a good person full of light and also not trying to shove your beliefs down my throat, I don’t care about people’s religious beliefs. As a matter of fact, here are my beliefs. I believe in a higher power. I Believe that we are all here for a reason. As far as Christianity goes, I do believe that god sacrificed his only begotten son to die on the cross for our sins. I Absolutely believe in that. However, I do have questions. Maybe as I’ve grown up more, I’m a little bit of an atheist but an atheist who does believe but has serious questions. Growing up I cannot even begin to tell you how many times I was told that if you believe in god and that you turn yourself over to him, good things will happen. Same thing with all the shit I heard in church. First of all, everybody is a hypocrite. Second, my questions are involving justice. My biggest question is why is it that bad things happen to good people? Good things happen to bad people? Like for example, Camille while she can walk fine, she does have a back problem. She is a sweetheart. Love her to death. Why is it that she is suffering from that? Then on the other side I see all these upper-class people who are cruel to others. Rubbing it in about how much money they have. Fucking People over. They get the good stuff. Cars, money, pussy, the nice houses, etc. Also, some instances they get away with serious crimes such as murders. Almost feels like they can get away with whatever they want. They show money to the prosecutors or jury or whatever and boom ok you are free to go. That is my stance especially when I have conversations with the religious people I know. If god is here, why is it that he lets bad things happen to good people. Then good things happen to good people. I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have tried to pray and hand my life over to god and nothing major to help turn my situation around happens. Because of that, sometimes I have considered becoming an atheist with some not all but some belief in god. I do have some major questions that I would like answered from the holy one and I feel like they haven’t been answered yet. Not all has been bad and there has been some good. Like I Finally have a woman figure in my life who loves me for me and doesn’t try to fucking be a dictator to me. She is actually respectful of me and my situation. I Do not once again know the full story or what goes on behind closed doors. I Base it off what I see, and experience. And those things that I just listed are what I see most of the time on a day to basis.  Back to what I was saying about Trump, while we want to be welcoming to all, some of them do take advantage and also overstay their welcomes. We do have to be careful. Instead of just saying come on in make yourselves at home when we don’t even know the strangers who are stepping into our house. Are they going to steal something? Destroy something? What are they doing to do? Everybody is skeptical of somebody. I know a lot of people are skeptical of me. It doesn’t surprise me. Well in this instance, there are people who have ruined it for others in different types of groups or areas. That is the only thing I will defend Trump on. Does that make me racist or prejudice against a race? No. Especially because I do pay attention to the news and I do pay attention to stuff that others may not. Never once heard him say anything prejudice against a race. That and that I never heard him once say racist things. Now he did say offensive things about disabled people like making fun of that disabled reporter. That I don’t agree with. That I 100 percent am offended by. However, if I’ am wrong, if I missed something and he did actually say something, someone please tell me because the last thing I want is for people especially those I know or my good reputation with my guys to be put in jeopardy because of something I didn’t notice or accidentally offending somebody. I Don’t want any more issues especially issues like that. Otherwise on that, that is on the media. Everything that Is going on now, the media is not wrong for covering it because possible obstruction of justice, and possible involvement or possible colluding with a hostile government like Russia during the Election it’s serious stuff. Now we all in the world have our issues with the media, most times the media is a load of crap. They do sometimes report bullshit or fake news. Their views are bullshit. Most notably a majority of Fox News conservative views and then MSNBC coverage (which is why I’m a CNN Guy) and their views during their so-called savior Hillary Clintons election. I remember how they were celebrating when Hillary won the democratic primary. The coverage of Hillary Clinton’s victory speech was disturbing. Her coming out with her whole creepy very happy face. Waving and all like ‘’Oh my gawd thank you. Thank you so much. I couldn’t have done this without all of you. Thank you, god bless, you thank you.’’ Stupidest thing ever. I then was thinking to myself like well duh clearly bitch. Clearly you did and yet you were lying to our faces. It was just disgusting. I was sick. Of course, that was when I said right there with guilt in my voice ‘’Hello President Trump.’’  However, they are not wrong on a lot of other things either. Example, again although I just want what is best for the country and for the planet of course as well as I normally don’t root for anybody to fail (unless you fuck me or my loved ones over then I hope karma bites you on your ass), what is going on is a Complete disaster. Donald Trump basically lied. The most notable one that I can remember or think of was that he Promised he wasn’t going to cut Medicare, Medicaid, social security, health insurance, etc.

Now he’s attempting to do the opposite. A lot of people rely on all of those. I don’t know what exactly it will do to Obamacare (Which I’ am not on) but what I do know is that the rest of it is a disaster. Up to 24 Million Americans kicked off their health insurance because they can’t afford it? That’s a problem. A major problem. I worry that myself (I’m on Medicaid, have been my entire life) or somebody I know and care about and also someone they know and care about etc. losing it. Basically, just another example of this country making steps to go towards it being for the upper class. Middle Class disappearing. That is a major problem. The word private comes into play and it just bugs the hell out of me. Private Health care. Private Insurance. Private Companies. Private Armies, private shows, private doctors, and you know who can afford anything private? Rich people. The other thing that concerns me is that Trump’s cabinet. All full of controversies. Also, the fact that everyone in each department wants to defund that department like for example Betsy DeVos wants to defund the department of education. I Mean it concerns me and I’m worried about the future for our kids and future generations to come. The most important thing that concerns me is Trump’s stance on Climate Change. The Proof is in the pudding that it is real. Trump’s head of EPA Scott Pruitt, had some controversy regarding him ignoring Scientific reports that clearly showed Oil and Gas drilling are what caused earthquakes in Oklahoma and he failed to enforce Pollution rules that would have stopped waste from Chicken farms in Arkansas floating down the river into Oklahoma. During his Time as Oklahoma’s AG, Pruitt although he lost, he even attempted to sue the EPA over mercury, Methane, and even other environmental rules that were put there. Now let’s go to one last example, Rick Perry. I’m not even going to go there. What I will say is basically what Bernie Says. We need to stop relying on dirty sources of energy such as gas, oil, and fossil fuel and more reliable on clean energy sources such as Solar. Before I continue there is one person I want to call out right here before I come to a close on this chapter and begin to put a bow on it. I need to call out one Tomi Lahren regarding that health bill. Yes, I have a crush on you. Yes, I think you are beautiful. Yes, not all but a teeny tiny little bit of views are valid points that I agree with. Otherwise I don’t agree with the rest. However, during the beginning of the health care saga, I watched your recent video saying that it is even better than Obamacare although the new health care bill has flaws. Ok I will give you that. However, I hate to break it to you but this health care bill is a fucking disaster. Worse than Obamacare. Let me tell you why, millions of people will get kicked off their healthcare. Up to 24 million people. People who can’t afford the expensive prices of health insurance provided by these corporations. What happens to the old people who have worked their entire lives and are retired? People who are injured and can’t work? Who don’t make a lot of money at their jobs or their jobs going out of business? Hmmmm? Oh yeah and what happens if there is somebody you know or care about who relies on Medicaid or Medicare? Are you and for example your mom close? What if she relies on that insurance? News flash, she will get affected too. Unless you get special privileges as part of the upper class. Which again I wouldn’t be surprised. By the way you want to respond and challenge me on this, my twitter handle is PhoenixKnight00. I’ll be waiting sweetheart. Also bring some rum and some popcorn and we will make it a party. Oh yeah and you want to question my integrity as a person because I don’t agree with you? Don’t forget your ‘’conservative’’ views got you fired……. twice. Just saying. Ok so now that I have done that, now it’s time to put a wrap on this chapter.

I’m going to start this off by telling you all why I believe in Bernie Sanders and why he would’ve hands down been the best president we ever had. First of all, Bernie Sanders is what and who got me into politics. Before Bernie Sanders, I never really much paid attention to the news at first. The only news I ever paid attention too was ESPN and sports news and then outside of that whenever end of the world news or predictions were being made because I used to be scared of that shit. I remember one time whenever I left Missouri after visiting my Mom in 2012 during the whole Mayan calendar saga, I was upset. I was scared. I was having nightmares about watching my mom die, my father die, and all my loved ones dying. Well as we all know since that was a major FAILED prediction by conspiracy theorists and crazy cuckoo nut jobs yet again, I gotten better with worrying. I don’t worry anymore. I still worry about what it does to Kids or people worse off than me. Otherwise, I have something I want to say really quickly before I get back to the main point of this chapter to conspiracy theorists who constantly fail predictions, when are you fucks going to learn? If you don’t want to live on this planet anymore, well then normally I don’t condone this as well but just…. well kill yourselves. If you really believe or want to not live then make it the end of the world. Just yours. First of all, Ya’ll are stupid. Second, you all are crazy and you need help. Third, to the religious Christian nut jobs who especially claim they know the bible beginning to end, remember these two Key verses. Matthew 24:43 and 1st Thessalonians 5:2. Both which clearly state that God will come when no one expects it. Like a THIEF IN THE FUCKING NIGHT!!! Hahahah you religious nut jobs who constantly make these failed jobs claim you read the bible every day? HAHAHAH NOOOOOOOOOO You don’t cause if you did, you wouldn’t make these retarded predictions. Back to Bernie now. When I first started paying attention to the news and I saw Bernie Sanders for the very first time on TV bringing attention to the serious corruption issues within our own government and country along with other various issues, it got my attention. He got my Attention. I started to watch more and more of his speeches and every time he was in a debate or town hall, I will not miss it. That’s how much I grew to admire Senator Sanders. His motto even won me over. ‘’A Future to Believe In.’’ Meanwhile your classic normal politician has a stupid and some non-getting people to believe in your mottos like ‘’I’m with Her or Him.’’ ‘’Ross for Boss.’’ ‘’I Like Ike.’’ Or here is the worse one. ‘’Building a Bridge to the 21st century.’’- Bill Clintons Slogan during his term. Bernie brought attention at least to me and others but I don’t know about the millions and millions of the rest, about the truth of what is going on and that is the middle class is disappearing along with the already disappearing lower class. That a majority of billionaires and corporations are running the show now. It’s killing people’s incomes, the planet, property taxes, and well a lot of other things I can’t think of. Buying elections in exchange for favors from the politicians they donated too. Its sick but Bernie is exposing that more and more if it hasn’t been exposed enough already. That is a president I can get behind. Personally, Donald Trump and Hillary stole that from him. If Bernie would’ve been the nominee as the Democratic party although again the two-party system is a load of bullshit, I think you should make it one member from the Republican party, one from democratic party and then an independent, but if he would’ve been running against anybody…...without a doubt hands down he would’ve stomped all their asses. Why? BECAUSE HE WAS THE RIGHTFUL CANDIDATE!!!!! HE WASN’T JUST YOUR AVERAGE EVERYDAY BULLSHIT POLITICAN!!!!!! LIES AND SLANDER AND BROKEN PROMISES!!!!! HE WAS REAL, HE WAS ABOUT UNITY, HONESTY, AND THE TRUTH!!!!! BERNIE SANDERS SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE NOMINEE FOR THOSE GODDAMN DEMOCRATS AND THEN THE PRESIDENT!!!!! NOT TRUMP AND YES NOT CROOKED HILLARY!!!!! I really pray to god Bernie runs again in 2020 and Kasich is his choice for Vice President. That would really be the best thing for this country. So much good could be done. Now as for everything else, let me just say this, I really hope that this Trump thing will bring Congress together to work together to repair this country. People can say oh it is fine and better than ever. I’ am sorry to say but no it’s not. It is slowly falling apart. I cannot control other people’s views and they can’t control mine. However, I see so much wrong with this country and this society. As far as everyday goes, I don’t know what else to say but the state of our country Is in serious jeopardy unless you are in the upper class. A group of people in Washington or where ever need to step up and start the process of ending Citizens United because it was obvious that it became a way for Billionaires and Corporate Scumbags to get more money in their pocket and you want to talk about Disaster? Citizens united is a Fucking Complete Disaster. Mr. President, if somehow someway you are reading this, you want to get the rest of Congress behind you when you are already in deep shit, I’ll tell you this, you can first start off by ending citizens united. Now you are not my president. I didn’t vote for you or Crooked Hillary. But if you want to make your presidency not a complete fucking disaster then start off first by ending citizens united. Then if being president is hard then either resign or do the right thing, follow through with your campaign promises that you made to people who were worried about their health care being cut or their Medicaid or Medicare being taken away and just drop this disaster of a healthcare bill. Also stop lying. Most importantly, somebody has to step up. Right now, things may be a little bit of a disaster on the outside but more alright. What happens when someone or the corrupt people in Washington does something very controversial like close to this health care bill? Sooner or later, if people keep getting screwed then ISIS, The Russians, and then of course Kim Jong Un and North Koreans will be the last of this country’s issues. There will be a rebellion where people are tired of the government. They will take it back and since it’s middle class, and lower class maybe some of the rare few higher-class people against the corrupt politician’s aka most of Washington and the 2%, yeah, we all know who will win that fight. Now I’m not endorsing that. Last thing I’d want is for war on our own lands especially when we have groups like ISIS, The North Koreans and yes even The Russians who I wouldn’t be surprised about if true that they all want to kill us. Clay Travis on fox sports said it best the other day. To stop somebody who’s religion or beliefs are in that killing a large sum of innocent people will bring them glory or too the heavens, yeah that’s difficult. However, it’s why classism is a much bigger problem than anything else. So, to end this, Mr President if somehow someway you are found innocent which again I’ am not wishing anything bad on you. I’m not wishing bad on anybody unless they are evil, or any enemies of mine or my loved ones, then I hope somehow you can prove me and millions of people who have every right to be concerned right now wrong. What’s going on right now is not ok!! I pray that this gets fixed before It gets too late. Do the right thing Mr. President. Otherwise, things could get worse. To anybody out there, one more thing I will add is that if there Is one thing you can take away from this, maybe the Unpredictability of Donald Trump is what wakes everybody up and brings us all closer together.

I have one more thing to say regarding the race thing and the hypocrisy thing along with something to say regarding recent allegations against Trump’s son Eric with a shot fired towards most of rich people in case I haven’t said it already. While I agree, and I still stand by what I said that nobody should never ever be judged on race or the color of your skin, the hypocrisy behind it is just stupid. First of all, this is going back and in response to the Bill Maher controversy even though I think the whole thing to just lost your shit over it was just dumb. So, what happened was, Bill Maher a couple of weeks ago during an episode of Real Time was interviewing a Nebraska Senator. The main subject was people still working in the field. Well I don’t necessarily have the transcript in front of me but the Nebraska Senator jokingly said you should come work for us. Bill then jokingly said ‘’Senator, I’m a house nigga.’’ People just lost their shit and it became a national story even thought it was on HBO. Ok first of all, Black people make fun of us all the fucking time. Black comedians especially. Dave Chappelle and Kevin Hart mainly. Now I don’t like Kevin Hart because he just annoys the hell out of me but Dave Chappelle is fucking hysterical. Second, if black people want to end the word Nigga completely then stop using it. All these ghetto motherfuckers and rappers and shit still use it all the time. Bill never said it as a malice disrespectful attempt towards Black People. HE WAS TALKING ABOUT HIMSELF!!!! I get that the N word is a very sensitive word. I’m not denying that one bit. Absolutely not but it’s just stupid that you can’t say anything these days without people getting their panties up in a bunch and getting offended. It’s just stupid. I mean shit we don’t lose our shit when Black people especially black comedians make fun of white people. Why? Because it’s funny. Inappropriate comedy and raunchy comedy is funny. So funny that we all want to shit ourselves. I mean people just need to chill the hell out. I mean I’ll be honest, and I have a confession. I have used it before but never as a malice or disrespectful shot at black people. I have said it accidently in front of black people before rarely and I mean very very rarely but even they know that it was an accident and I immediately apologized especially because I have nothing but the utmost love and respect for the black community as long as they are good people. I used it with my white people before but calling them that. Why? Because number 1, its shittalking amongst everybody. Two, because I know to never use it purposely in front of black people. Three, I know a lot of amazing people who are black. Some of them, close friends of mine. Again the ones I talk too even said that the ghetto folk are the ones that are ruining the reputation of black people with them going out all the time dealing drugs, raping women, stealing cars, killing others, involved in gang activity. However it’s not just black people. Certain white people do it too. Latinos, Hispanics, Mexicans, etc. All do it. That’s why no one should never be judged by race or the color of their skin and you know the rest. Personality and what they do is the key. Also again Classism is the bigger issue than Racism. Does that make me racist what I just said? Hell no. It makes me real and it makes me see both sides of the picture. I have nothing but love for the black community, the white community, the Asians, Latino’s, Mexicans, Muslims, etc. If you are a good person though If anything, again I’m more of a classist where unless I know somebody and they are good people or famous musicians, athletes, and celebrities who are also good people and have actually worked hard and worked for everything also who didn’t have MOMMY AND DADDY HAND THEM EVERYTHING TO CONTINUE THEIR SPOILED ENTITLED PRIVIELEDGED COCKMONKEY ASSES, the average everyday rich person and what not, chances are I fucking don’t like you. So while I understand that racism is a very sensitive subject, people need to stop being so hypocritical. We could lose our shit whenever black people especially comedians call us crackers but we don’t because it’s funny and they make it funny. I get that comedians can sometimes cross the line and I’m not denying that or am I denying racism. I know it is alive but there is stuff that both sides can do to end it completely. ALL LIVES MATTER!!! NOT JUST BLACK, NOT JUST WHITE, NOT JUST WOMEN, NOT JUST MEN, NOT JUST ASIAN, MUSLIM, LATINO, ALL LIVES MATTER!!!! Racism is and always will be a problem but not as big as Classism. Which brings me to my next thing and it’s regarding the crazy right-wing supporters such as ones who claim that they voted for candidates because they were supposedly gods people and stupid shit like that, rich people and the president’s Son Eric. So the other day, Eric called out Democrats for not being people. Saying that they aren’t people. Yet he is allegedly being accused of stealing charity money from a charity golf tournament that was raised for a children’s hospital and putting it in his family’s organization. As if they weren’t already rich enough. If it is true, really? Stealing money from a children’s hospital to make your lying rich asses even richer. I’m not saying it’s true yet but if it is, what a shame what a shame. Which brings me to something I need to get off my chest. Unless you are any of my people (most notably my Brother Darby or Melissa or any of my family), or my guys or whatever because I do not want to insult them, the rest of the majority of most people which I however do not care if I insult because it needs to be said like most old right-wing folk claim that republicans are for them and that they are god’s creatures. Well I hate to break it to you but they are not for you. The only ones that are for YOU are Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, John McCain, Mitt Romney and John Kasich (Who is a conservative but is hands down probably my only favorite republican and conservative) because they are done with the whole Party first bullshit and plus they aren’t for rich people anymore. If they and I’m talking about majority of the rest of congress were god’s creatures and they were for YOU then they wouldn’t do stupid disastrous deals to fuck over the middle and lower class while giving upper class billionaires tax breaks and to make their lying already rich asses already richer. So crazy religious voters etc. here is some advice for you, if you feel like you have been abandoned by the government, don’t vote for people like Bush, Trump, Reagan. Or most of the people who are in congress. Especially those who claim to put country first but instead they put the party, themselves, their billionaire friends, and then the billionaires’ friends’ other billionaire’s friends first. Put people like Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and John Kasich who have stopped putting themselves and the party first and instead are actually putting YOU first!!!!! Just my advice and honestly the right way because I don’t mean to brag, actually I do because I’ am right on this.

 To all the politicians throughout our country unless you are Bernie Sanders, Elizabeth Warren, and John Kasich, now Mitt Romney and John McCain I have one question for you. Are you ready for this? You Sure? Ok here we go. WHEN ARE YOU GOING TO STOP ACTING LIKE POLITICANS AND START BEING AMERICANS AGAIN? HMMMMMM? WHERE IN THE HELL ARE YOU?!?!?!??!?!?!??!?!?!?

  With that, I end this chapter.

#BernieKasich2020 #AmericanRevolution #AFutureToBelieveIn #AllInThisTogether #NooneisaboveTheLaw #CitizensUnitedMustGo

   Texas Longhorns Football and Basketball: Why they are not just two other teams. Why they are a part of me and I mean a big part of me (Hoops is first as far as rankings but I’m going to be talking football first and save Hoops as the best for last)

                                  Chapter Song: Wabash Cannonball

                                            Chapter Song: Flux Pavilion- I won’t stop

                                   Chapter Song: MAKJ x Max Styler- Knock Me Down

                     Chapter Song: Clean Bandit Ft Jess Glynne- Rather Be (LDND remix)

                                     Chapter Song: The Eyes of Texas

                                   Chapter Song: Texas Fight

 (Takes a deep breath in excitement) Ahhhhh I have been looking forward to this one. This one is going to be hands down my number 1. Plus, this one is going to be fun. I mean really fun!!!!! Why? Because it is about the two things that has brought me consistent peace in my life especially since I have been here in Austin. That being my guys for both football and basketball. Then Longhorn Nation. While this city is constantly changing, the one thing that remains true to the true Austin People is Longhorn Nation. When you are in Longhorn Nation, at least through my eyes, it isn’t about how rich you are. It isn’t about whether you get pussy, or how much money you have. Last but not least, it doesn’t matter whether you are the fucking shit or a god in the real world. Oh no no no no no. In Longhorn Nation, we all look out for one another. The true people. I say true because some in Longhorn Nation are part of the other group. The other group that is a whole bunch of Whiney Little bitches. Yeah, I said it!!!!!!!! Here is why!!! Every time we lose even when we are not having a shitty season, it is the same damn thing. OH, FIRE SHAKA SMART!!! FIRE AUGIE GURIDO!!!!!! FIRE CHARLIE STRONG!!!!!! I Mean come on that is just stupid and obviously I’ am not talking about all in Longhorn nation. There are a few rotten pieces of cherries in the pie if that makes sense? There is a process to go by. It can’t always be just the other half throwing fucking tantrums every time we lose. Otherwise we are going to never make process towards our ultimate goal that being a national championship. The only one we really don’t have a national championship for major sport wise is men’s basketball and women’s. I don’t care much for our women’s hoops team not because I have anything against them. We are one of the best in the country. Karen Aston has done a phenomenal job and I mean I do like our women’s team. Especially the one we have right now. Brooke McCarty, Ariel Atkins, Joyner Holmes, and then the Caron-Goudreau Twins (Khaleann and Audrey-Ann) as their main players. That’s pretty good and I will watch a game or two here and there but otherwise when it comes to Texas, I’m more football and men’s hoops. I Will support any other of our programs when they are in a big event or something else like a national championship and it happens to be the only thing on but hoops and football come first when it comes to Texas. Before I begin, I want to lay out my process of how any coaching job should go when first hired. Also, fans just need to chill the hell out a little.

1.    3-4 Years max for the first contract unless you either are just 100 percent terrible or worse than the last coach or you prove already with a major title and what not. Year 1, getting your feet wet.  Year 2, As you start to get more of your guys in, start to show a little progress. Year 3, High Expectations. Win. A LOT!!!!!! Year 4, pending on how your first few years go, if you are struggling big time then year 4 needs to be THE year to show your fan base and your front office that the patience that we all have had for you will be worth it. Otherwise you are GONE!!!! Now if it’s opposite where you establish a Culture of consistent winning and a foundation, then well go APESHIT!!!!!!

 2.    The front office/Boosters/Administration needs to shut the hell up and let the damn coach well COACH!!! Example, when Charlie Strong first got hired to Texas, Red McCombs (yes, I know he is one of our biggest donors) opened his mouth and basically said this is NOT MY COACH!!!!! Well he may donate to the programs but he is not Greg Fenves or Mike Perrin. (Steve Patterson was before Mike Perrin and he was the one who hired Charlie, not Mike). Pretty much, Charlie never got a fair shot I felt like. I liked Charlie Strong a lot. Now I am very glad we got Tom Herman. Do not get me wrong. I was very happy we got Tom Herman. Had we not hired him, I would’ve hoped for either Jimbo Fisher from Florida State. Les Miles. Or even somehow someway Nick Saban (Although he is a hall of fame coach at Bama and his legacy basically lies in Tuscaloosa, crazier shit has happened). Otherwise I thought Charlie should’ve gotten one more shot for a year four. (I do have something to say about that here shortly) Outside Interference from people like Red McCombs should not be allowed because while there are some good seeds in fan bases like Longhorn Nation, others who whether they are the equivalent of a normal whack job only instead it’s just a Longhorn Nation whack job, once they listen to a guy like Red McCombs then oh shit it is on. I Just think the booster clubs in general are stupid. I don’t even care if it is from someone who went to the same university that he or she is donating too, it’s stupid. Really, I just think it is. It should be the university. Not a fucking booster club. Ever since then, the pressure was set on Charlie since day 1. Especially when Charlie had a messed-up roster of Mack’s (Talking about Mack Brown) leftovers. Everybody deserves a fair Chance.

   3.    I get that an organization or a program has a history of a winning culture etc. but there comes a point where every origination and every program will go through a rebuilding process. Again, back to our football team as an Example. I have nothing against Mack Brown who was there before Charlie Strong. Mack Brown had a great history. He established his legacy here in Austin. Consistent 10 win seasons, Multiple Big 12 titles, a national championship. That is amazing. We had 4 total national titles for football and then Mack gave us one more. I’ am very grateful about that. However, he just wasn’t getting it done the last several years especially on the recruiting trail and the thing about our fan base in Austin, a good chunk of them still were impatient and expected a national championship every single fucking year and that is not always going to be case especially when we have teams like Alabama, LSU, Oklahoma, Clemson, Ohio State, USC (at the time), etc. We were still winning and making bowl game after bowl game after bowl game after bowl game. Maybe didn’t win them all but we still did alright. However, the thing about it is, while I still have love for most of Longhorn Nation, our fan base is one of the worse. They remind me of the Dallas Cowboys fan base. People just need to shut the hell up and R-E-L-A-X, relax. Years 1 and 2 needs to be the honeymoon years no matter what then year 3 and 4 need to be the critical years. That’s it. Game, set and match.

   Now for the real fun. Now for the real part. When it comes to college teams, I used to be a Missouri Tigers fan growing up in Missouri. The university was located in Columbia which was 3-4 hours away from my hometown of Branson. So, I didn’t get a chance to go up there a lot to do fun stuff when it came to Mizzou athletics. Which sucked but I still loved the City of Columbia especially during the other times I got to go up there. Living in Austin though especially with it being one of the Largest college towns in the country. When I first moved here to Austin, I was still a Mizzou supporter. When it came to sport shirts etc. I had mostly Mizzou gear and New Orleans Saints gear, I still do but more saints gear. Over time I became a Texas Longhorn. It really started 5 years ago. I went to a couple of Texas Longhorns hoops games originally as a way to get me out of the house because I didn’t have a lot going for me when I first moved here because I took the year off after I graduated high school in 2011. We Played Vanderbilt and I believe also I want to say Texas-Arlington. I don’t remember for sure the second one but we did win both of them. It was fun. All of a sudden, as I started to learn more about the history of Texas Hoops, about how we always would come so close to the finish line but then we would take major steps back. The laughing stocks of the country, people hating us and not believing in us, something clicked. I started going to more and more games the rest of that year. It became something I enjoyed. Whenever stressful events happened during that first year, I found that to be a healthy escape. Way better than what most people use for escapes from everyday situations. When it came to anger I may have had, just to be able to take it out on the opposing team and also since I compared my situation to our current situation within our program, it felt like it was us against the World. Every time we won, it would be a fuck you to our biggest haters. Starting year 2 on, I became a season ticket holder. Although since I went to pretty much the remainder of our games during year 1.

Year 2: It was my big 21st birthday present. My old man, my stepmom, and my grandpa Ben went in on it.

Year 3: My mom and my grandma Sandra went in on it with my father for my birthday again.

Year 4: I busted my ass during my contractor position at my old job. I paid for about 75 percent of it. My grandma Sandra did the other 25 percent. It was worth it. The only thing that sucks is that I was hoping for a damn good year. One of our best years. It ended up being one of our worse. 11-22. Dead last in the Big 12

Year 5: The old man is doing it for me as a Birthday Present yet again. At this point it really is the only thing for the most part that I want for my birthday

 Year 6 on: To Be determined

 Alright now onto why both Texas Football and Hoops are not just two other teams to me. They have become a big part of me.  When they lose, I lose. I just want to say before I start that Mizzou and the City of Columbia will always have a special place in my heart. The city is beautiful. The campus, especially the middle of campus and the south side near Faurot field, Mizzou arena, and the athletic facilities are just breathtaking. However, I now have officially and have been for a while, became full on Texas Longhorns first. Both Hoops and Football. Over any of my NFL teams, MLB teams, NBA teams and then my DFW teams in all those areas.

Up first, football.

 Texas Football: I completed the full-on transformation from Mizzou to Texas but only this time in football during Charlie Strong’s second year in Austin during the 2015 season. Mizzou and Texas did have history together from their days in the Big 12. They used to be big rivals even though Mizzou was in the North division and Texas was south. I watched a few of those games that they played against each other and I also watched a few Texas Longhorns games here in there but obviously I wasn’t as crazy about them as I am now. Mizzou left for the SEC in 2012 which was a shocker because people were talking about how they won’t survive going up against the Likes of Alabama, LSU, South Carolina, Auburn, Florida, etc. Well unfortunately to all the naysayers, we did alright the first couple of years in the SEC. Then we started to take a downfall. Well the transformation officially took place week 3 of the 2015 season when we were playing Oklahoma State here in Austin. We lost 30-27 thanks to the stupid bullshit phantom calls by the officiating crew that day and then the fucked up missed extra point kick by our kicker Nick Rose but right there and then with that being my first official College Football game in the place that I was already used to calling home and with the majority of fan base that I was used to calling my second family because of being a hardcore hoops fan for Texas already for 3 years. I enjoy going to Longhorn football games at DKR just because the Atmosphere is full of energy and passion. Being outdoors, exciting playmaking, watching guys go back and forth tackling and beating the hell out of each other. It’s why I love football already but Texas football became yet another part of me because of the history behind the program. The tradition. The passion. Also, because while most of Longhorn Nation were acting like whiny little bitches and always being critical but of the wrong things, I felt they needed another voice on the opposite side who isn’t all doom and gloom after every loss. Who will be their biggest critic but also their biggest defender because again Longhorn nation while I love my Longhorn Nation family, most of them are dumb and whiney little bitches. Almost like little kids who throw a tantrum because they don’t get what they want. That is one thing we do not need is a bunch of whiney little bitches who whine and complain when they don’t get what they want even if it’s just the littlest of things. I Do that more with Hoops though because that has been even bigger with me than football but I still do it for football. Sometimes people need to be called out for some of the aconite bullshit they say. I’ll give you a quick basketball example because it does have to do with both. Shaka Smart who is the current coach of our hoops squad, year one back in 2015-2016 he did very well in his first season. Got some major wins. Etc. Had that full court desperation buzzer beater shot that Paul Jespersen of Northern Iowa went for not went in during the first round of the 2016 NCAA tournament, I guarantee you we could’ve made it to the sweet 16 maybe even elite 8. That is how good I thought we were that year. This past year when we lost a lot of experience even though all the guys who left were not Shaka Smart guys and that we were trying to start bringing in Shaka’s guys, we struggled big time. Lot of Freshmen, no point guard, injuries, very little experience together, distractions, we struggled big time. While yes, I got frustrated because I hate shitty seasons especially when they are like last year, I cannot begin to tell you how many times I have seen stupid dumbass comments made by some of the whiney little impatient Fairweather bitches about oh how hiring Shaka was a major mistake, he can’t win but yet they don’t pay attention to the facts like how me and the real Longhorn Nation Members do. All they care about is Championships every single year and I mean EVERY SINGLE FUCKING YEAR WHEN THEY SHOULD KNOW THAT NOTHING EVER COMES EASY!!!!!!!! I have a message another one to the whiney little bitches at the end of this chapter. People like me or some of my twitter followers who I know are true Longhorn Nation members, we are more reasonable, we get pissed too but not like some of these stupid impatient unreasonable fucks. Any who, my favorite thing the most about DKR and Longhorn Football games are late afternoon and night games especially at sunset and under the lights. If you are sitting in the upper decks, you get a very beautiful view of downtown Austin. Whether it’s the sun shining on the city during sunset or the downtown city lights at night. It is so beautiful. Very beautiful Scenery. Last year during the 2016 season, I went to not 1, not 2, not 3 but four games. The first one was because like my father said during the divorce right as it was getting ready to end, make more progress but also make more memories. So as a Father’s Day present, I took him to our second game of the year against UTEP and it was a night game. It was beautiful. We killed UTEP 41-7. Easy peasy. Shit after the first half, we went into the Alumni center as guests of Glenn and Michelle’s with them and Michelle’s family. Had a fun time just sitting back, having some beers, chatting, shit talking other big 12 teams, it was fun. Well just when I thought originally that was the end of my live college football in person for the season………. I was wrong. Glenn and Michelle had to go out of town during the weekends of the final 3 home games of last season. So, they basically hooked me and my father up with tickets to our game against Baylor Which you already know we won 35-34 and it was raining hardcore. It was exciting right to the end. You also know my story about everything else that day. West Virginia, lost 24-21 and then just me for our final home game of the season against TCU the day after thanksgiving which we lost 31-9 and it was Charlie Strong’s final game in Austin. It was heartbreaking to watch. The best thing though was that their seats were on the lower deck like about 10-12 rows up from the North End Zone so we got to see shit up close. It was great. I met some of their friends during the Baylor game, all very nice guys. Unfortunately, I didn’t see them the rest of the year. However, the one major difference between my football guys and my basketball guys, is I don’t have quite the reputation with football that I have with hoops. So to close this part, let me just say this, although I have yet to have more memories at DKR than I have at Frank Erwin, last year’s football season not only gave me some of my few rare great memories of what has been otherwise a hell year, not only did I got to see some exciting moments thanks to Glenn and Michelle, not only did I develop yet another thing I enjoy that gives me a healthy escape as well but Texas Football gave me two people who although they were already close friends with my father, they gave two more amazing people in my life who I not only consider close friends but also family. Who I will do anything for at any time whenever they need it when it matters most. Glenn and Michelle, once again I love you guys so very fucking much, thank you so much for all you do for me and my father, and just for your friendships to me and my father. You two are absolutely wonderful human beings and we need more people like you guys on this earth and yeah just I fucking love you two. You ever need anything? Anything at all? You know I’m here as well. Much love. You two are not only just two good friends of ours, you guys are part of our family. Love you both more than you know. And with that ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of the football part.

 P.s: Forgot to add in general that since Austin is a football town, got to blend in you know haha.

 Hoops, you are up next.

Alright I absolutely mean what I say when Texas Basketball is and has been the number. Does anybody want to know why I call them my guys? Do ya? Because it’s true. Also, because ever since two years ago, I have started to build a great reputation within our squad, don’t matter who it is. Don’t matter who is on our team and it doesn’t matter who is coaching, I mean what I say when I have developed a great reputation within our squad. All started with a rally message that I sent to the members on our squad two years ago back at the beginning of 2015 during the start of Big 12 play. Almost all of them retweeted it. True story. I now have gotten more involved during the season when it comes to taking critics off of their backs, arguing with people who do not and I mean DO NOT pay attention to the facts, being their biggest critic but also biggest defender. Shit it even got to the point where I have some of them friends with me on Snapchat (Kendal Yancy, Isaiah Taylor, Cam Ridley, Eric Davis, Kerwin Roach, Ryan McClurg), one following me on Instagram (Joe Schwartz) and then one on Twitter along with one of our coaches (Mareik Isom and Mike Morrell). Oh yeah they know who I’ am. Even met a few of them. Met Myles Turner on campus one day during his freshman year. I met Dylan (Osetkowski) during Orange and White Night last year. Got a picture with him, really cool dude. I also met Kerwin (Roach), Andrew (Jones), and Tevin (Mack). Joe already knew who I was. I never met Eric but I did discover he was dating a friend of mine at one-point last year. But it was cool to tell them welcome back for some and then welcome to Austin for the rest. I really wanted to meet James (Banks) and Jarrett (Allen) and get a pic with the Fro Bros. (That was their nickname given to them by Shaka) I mean I wanted to be able to say to people who asks who are they that its Jarrett Allen and James Banks aka the FUCKING FRO BROS I MEAN WHO CAN SAY THEY GOT A PIC WITH THE FAMOUS TEXAS FRO BROS HAHAHAHAH I WISH I COULD’VE. The previous one I met was Mareik Isom during the Kansas game this past year post game. Really good kid and a fine young man. When he was on the court last year, he was playing a style I have never seen before and right there I saw something special in him. So, to any NBA team out there, if you see Mareik play or have him practice or work out for you, sign him. You will not be disappointed. Wanted to get the fact that I had the honor to meet some of them out there. Now here is the other reason why Texas basketball is special to me outside of squad wise. I’ve had some of my many great memories at Frank Erwin Center etc. (I call it Frank Erwin for Short) from moments like Javan Felix’s game winning 2 point shot against #3 UNC in December 2015, to Beating then Number 3 Oklahoma here in Austin later on that same season when 2016 rolled around to Andrew’s game winning 3 point shot to beat Oklahoma here again this past year to winning round 2 of Waco Night against Baylor in Waco at the beginning of last year to Isaiah Taylor’s 25 points against those Damn Jayhawks to beat them here during the first year I started going to Frank Erwin. There are more but those are my favorites with Javan’s game winning 2 point shot in December of 2015 during Shaka’s first year against #3 UNC being number 1 so far. When that happened, we had a full house at the Erwin Center that night, Isaiah Taylor went for the first attempt from 3. Missed it, it bounced, Javan rebounded it and then with about 2 seconds, he started to make the shot and it got off right before the buzzer. It bounced on the back of the rim and then Boom went right in. We lost our minds in a good way. Unfortunately, our celebration was delayed because the refs had to review it to be sure. Took about 2 minutes and then it was confirmed. Holy shit we all really lost it. I literally fell to my knees and cried tears of joy. Out of all my years and all the wins and losses I have witnessed and been a part of at Frank Erwin and as a hardcore supporter and member of Longhorn Nation especially for hoops, that was as of right now hands down the best night and win I have been a part of. It almost felt like we won the national championship. It wasn’t obviously but it was close. Trust me, winning a big 12 title or a natty would be even more huge. It was huge for me though that night because it was during the first shitty year of two, the fact that the one thing in my life that gave me consistent happiness just gave me a moment to celebrate. Especially when otherwise it was a rare occasion that I got to have peace or moments to smile about because of all the other shit around me whether stuff that was going on inside my head or stuff that was truly going on and then when everything else around me slowly started to fall apart. Now when we win the national championship in hoops which it is coming, I’m just going to tell you right now that I personally will not only turn this city into an even bigger and better party than the hipsters, corporate scumbags, rich people and the party people’s party that is SXSW. I fucking promise you that. That is going to be a party for us. For the real Austinites and members of Longhorn nation. Not for the majority of little whiny bitches of Longhorn Nation and then for the goddamn Hipsters, corporate Scumbags, rich privies, etc. THAT IS FOR US!!!!!!!!! FOR US!!!!! F O R (Space) U S, FOR FUCKING US!!!!!! Ahhh I feel better. My point being is, what do I mean when I say this has been consistent as well? Because growing up until this point, I never had a lot to smile about. It’s true. Many of my great memories happened throughout these last 4 years because of this experience. Frank Erwin Center not only is just another arena to me, it’s my sanctuary. My getaway place away from everything and everyone when chaos in the rest of the areas of my life happen and everything starts to piss me off. This team, my guys are not just another team to me. Even though some may not know know me personally, they know who I’ am and my undeniable support for them. Also, I do consider them family. The Longhorn Nation Family. Why? Because we all go to battle together every season and night in night out. Longhorn Nation looks out for each other. Doesn’t matter how but it’s true. The story, the background about how we always come so close but yet no one ever believes in us. How everyone laughs at us, how we don’t belong. Not only will I stand with and by them through the great and the not so great but also Well that’s a team I can get behind which is why and now most importantly, when I say that when it comes to things that make me happy and give me peace that doesn’t have to do with everyday life, for my number 1 this will always come first. My guys will come first. Offseason, ok because the one thing in my life and the one best and consistent time of my life is not here so ok. However when the season is here which is my time of year, unless it is a dire emergency etc. and as long as nothing in my life like work, important family situations etc. aren’t happening, then this will always come first to me. People are just going to have to accept that. I even have a rule that unless I say you can bother me during the season whenever its gameday or game night and also emergencies, no body and I mean nobody is to bother me on game nights. My guys will come first even over other events, sex, etc. I mean always. Yeah, my father may say that eh when it comes to romantic relationships, that may not always be the case but I will make it the case. I mean what I say when this has been the one true and consistent thing of my life throughout my years on this earth especially the last several years in Austin. Most of the time as long nothing real life wise is going on when I’m in a relationship, I’ll do what my girl wants to do as long as she is not a bitch and as long as it doesn’t cost me money but when it comes to my guys, I don’t care what anybody says…. they will always come first. No buts about it. Only real-life situations and events will possibly interfere with that and might have a case but not much.  Otherwise this will always come first. As I always say, you want to see a really happy Sky win or lose? Well that is what the season is here for and what my guys are here for. It prevents me from losing my shit completely because of everything going on to the point where I want to literally kill almost everybody. So yes, now you know how much this means to me and how much I mean everything I say. It’s what happens when the one thing in my life that has given me consistent peace and happiness always comes through when it matters most.

Then of course, I don’t have to be somebody I’m not when it comes to Longhorn Nation and this experience. I’ am free and I don’t feel trapped.

 Oh yeah want to know where I got the title for my book, Sky: This is My Time, This is my Fight, This is my Night? I’ll tell you where but the story will come in a short chapter later on in the book but it came from right Here because of the saying that I’ am starting to more and more make it our motto within our Squad. Only instead I change our to my. Oh yeah and our official motto and no one cannot steal this motto. This is between the real people of Longhorn Nation and our hoops squad but our motto for our squad is

 THIS IS OUR TIME

THIS IS OUR FIGHT

ALL TOGETHER

THIS IS OUR NIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 Get ready haters. Our time is coming. Be afraid, be very afraid because the eyes of Longhorn Nation are coming for you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! When the day comes that we finally win a national championship for hoops, well let’s just say that to all the hipsters, corporate scumbags and privies in Austin……...our party is going to be better than your lying lame ass fake parties. Longhorn Nation will show you how it’s done. I personally am going to get so fucked up because it is a big moment. If I were to somehow die afterwards, at least I knew that when I die after getting so fucked up in celebration, we are fucking Champions!!!!! I can also die a champion because if we were to win a natty, that would be a big revival for everything else I’ve been through. Not for all but for most. To anybody out there who is going through what I have been through or are going through, one piece of advice that I can give you is that if you have something in your life that gives you consistent peace and happiness like what I have with my guys then hold on to it. Whatever you do hold onto it. One more time,

 THIS IS OUR TIME

THIS IS OUR FIGHT

ALL TOGETHER

THIS WILL BE OUR NIGHT

Cause everyone else that is not a part of the Longhorn nation family, THE EYES OF TEXAS ARE COMING FOR YOU AND ARE UPON YOU!!!!!!!!!!!

Before I end this, I do have a message for all the other side of Longhorn Nation, aka the whiney little bitches of Longhorn Nation who are always doom and gloom every time we lose even when we are having an otherwise great season. Longhorn nation, all I have to say is chill out. Your constant bitching every time we lose and every single year expecting perfection and to win a national title every year it’s getting old and unreasonable. Yes, I know we have history as a winning program in both Hoops and Football. Yes, we have a lot of championships throughout Texas Athletics. I get that. However, the thing that pisses me off the most is your hypocrisy. Ya’ll wanted Mack Brown Gone despite the fact that he was winning 8-10 games and a bowl appearance every year still the last several years one minute and then when Charlie Strong struggles you all of a sudden say that you want Mack Brown back. Same thing with Rick Barnes and Shaka Smart, ya’ll were so mad at Rick Barnes and when we hired Shaka Smart, you were all singing his praises. When we lost the game against Northern Iowa in the first round of the 2016 tournament, all of a sudden you were saying oh Fire Shaka. Shaka can’t coach. We want Rick Barnes Back!! Same thing this year when you knew the odds were stacked against him. Yes, I was very critical because of the way one of our players was being treated but to call for his job after one season, come on now. I have my issues with Shaka and our current staff for Hoops but different issues. Otherwise I still believe in him and I’m not ready to call for his head and abandon shipNow while I love most of Longhorn nation, our fan base is screwed up So I ask, please just shut up. If we continue to have losing seasons after hiring a new coach, then ok call for his head I will join you but if you are going to be doom and gloom every single time then please go support another team and then when we do start winning again, don’t come back because it is annoying. Let me ask you what happens when Tom Herman Struggles this year because you know we probably will struggle a little bit. We could go 8-4 and make a bowl game but are you going to call for his head then? Another example, David Pierce our baseball coach. Led Texas back to the NCAA Baseball World Series tournament this year. Ya’ll are probably singing his praises right now even those most of the guys on the team are Augie Guridos guys. What happens when he starts to get his guys? You know there will be a transition period, right? Or will the whiney little bitches have their heads so far up their asses that they will continue to throw tantrums until they get what they want? All I’m going to say is stop being LITTLE CHILDREN!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please go support other teams. Wake up. We have the best and the worst fan base in the country. We have the best because most are passionate, loud, and proud but the rest are just unreasonable whiney little bitches. You don’t have to lecture me on our history. I probably can only imagine some old Cowboy Texan who is a Longhorn fan since the start of time will see this come up to me and say that I don’t know anything about Texas Longhorn History. WRONG!!!!!!!! I know the history but I’m also not going to be unreasonable and throw a fucking tantrum. I look at the facts and if you want to leave and stop supporting Texas then please do us a favor. Just stop. Go support A&M, Oklahoma, Bama or whatever. Whiney Little Bitches, grow up. To the rest of the true members of Longhorn Nation, I love you guys and let’s keep helping our squads get to the light at the end of the tunnel so we can have something to celebrate once again.

THIS IS OUR TIME

THIS IS OUR FIGHT

ALL TOGETHER

THIS WILL BE OUR NIGHT

 Longhorn Nation, lets stand together. Haters of Longhorn Nation, the eyes of Texas are coming for you!!!

Texas Fight, Texas Fight,

And it’s goodbye to A&M.

Texas Fight, Texas Fight,

And we’ll put over one more win.

Texas Fight, Texas Fight,

For its Texas that we love best.

Give em Hell, Give em Hell, GO HORNS

And it’s good-bye to all the rest! (YELL)

Yea Orange! Yea White!

Yea Longhorns! Fight! Fight! Fight!

Texas Fight! Texas Fight,

Yea Texas Fight!

Texas Fight! Texas Fight,

Yea Texas Fight!

 The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

All the livelong day.

The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

You cannot get away.

Texas Fight, Texas Fight,

For its Texas that we love best.

Give Em Hell, Give Em Hell Go Horns go

And it good-bye to all the rest!

 Eyes of Texas: The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

All the livelong day.

The Eyes of Texas are upon you,

You cannot get away.

Do not think you can escape them

At night or early in the morn --

The Eyes of Texas are upon you

Till Gabriel blows his horn.

 HOOK EM!!!!!!!

 Why I’ am who I’ am (Aka Sky’s one final Letting it all out Chapter)

                          Chapter Song: Odd Future- We got Bitches

         Yes, what I’m about to do is a one final letting it all out chapter. No rules, no mercy, no holding back.

My second longest chapter. Right here hands down. This one right here is going to be my finally letting it all out chapter. Once and for all. I have been holding shit in for a long time well every story and every situation that I have told thus far in this book has all led up to this moment right here. To anybody who has held stuff in for a long time, I have one piece of advice for you, actually make that two. Number 1, if you are dealing with somebody who won’t listen to you or is treating you bad etc. record it. Or just do whatever it takes to have proof so when the time comes, where you have you get those you are trying to wake the fuck up to actually wake the FUCK UP, that you have proof to make sure they listen!!!!!!!!!! And if they don’t listen? Fucking walk out. Because no one shouldn’t have to deal with constant bullshit. Yeah, it’s life but sometimes especially when you have always tried to do right thing by others and do the right and good thing but yet you keep getting shitted on, enough is enough. Yeah there are good moments but you know what sucks especially when they are rare? When they end, you have to go back and deal with the constant bullshit whether it’s just the constant one problem after another or the fucked-up shit that goes on inside your head and what not. Two, don’t let this world hold you back. Don’t bow down to people or things in this fucked up world. You are no one’s bitch and you have every right to stand up and say enough is enough. Especially when you are constantly in a damned if you do and damned if you don’t situation which is for the most part of my life I have constantly been in. What do I mean by that? You are about to find out so ladies and gentlemen and those who are afraid to stand up and let it all out? The time to stand and have your voices etc. is now. I will be your voices by telling mine and this book will be your voices. So, without further ado, here is my time to UNLEASH!!!!!!!! To all the people who have fucked me or have constantly questioned me and it doesn’t matter who in the hell you are, pay attention. Last but not least, may be a possibility I may include some of what I’ve already gotten throughout this book but it doesn’t matter because to all my haters out there, this is the ultimate fuck you. Also look at me NOW!!!!!! Despite everything I have been through, I’m still here.

 The Pipe bomb of the Century:

First of all, I wrote this book as a way to get my story out there. To also be a voice for those who are struggling to stand up and stand up for themselves and their beliefs. As well as just to help anybody who is struggling and it doesn’t matter who you are, you can be a normal person I guess or somebody like me. When you think about it though, none of us are normal when you think about it. So really, it’s for anybody and everybody. We all have assets and we all have flaws. Yes, I have psychical conditions and I have some mental conditions like disabilities and shit. However, I wouldn’t sit here writing this if I wasn’t capable of doing so. As a matter of fact, I’ am more capable of a lot of things than a lot of people give me credit for. I’m actually still a fair person but I’m just not a kiss ass and I’m not a man who will get on his knees to beg because you know what, where has that gotten me? Nowhere. I’m still a fair person and once you get to know me, I’m not a bad guy. I have my imperfections but guess what so does everyone else. That is what makes us well us. I’ve done shitty things, I’m not perfect. Some stuff I wish I can take back, others I can’t and then the rest well I stand by them but again that doesn’t make me a bad person because you know why? I’m not out there murdering people or saying racist things to people, mugging, using people, treating women like objects, being corrupt, being a narcissist or a douchebag to say oh look at me look at my body just to get women in bed, the rest of that bullshit. You know what I do? I try to wake up every morning. I do try to think the best of every minute of every hour of every single day of every week of every month of every year. I try to do right by everything and everybody. I Listen to their bullshit, I listen to their problems, I try to offer to help to listen or have their backs or even with projects. Not all have to do with this. Some true people in my life. You know who you are but the rest, yeah let me tell you something. Do you want to know why it is hard for me to be positive? Positive like a damn hippie or whatever would be like ‘’Oh feeling good, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah?’’ chipper and what not?’’ Because that used to be me. That was taken away from me. Plus, you want to know in reality what that is? That’s called ignoring the truth. That doesn’t make me a negative person. That makes me a real person. Some people are going to agree with me. Some will not and some will hate me because of it. As a matter of fact, I just lost another friend because of it. Even though I thought he accepted me. Was I perfect no? However, I didn’t go to him for all my problems. He may say I do but deep down I didn’t and also, he started to talk to me first. Do you know why I may have went to him? Because I thought when he first gotten to know me, he showed me that he accepted me. Well obviously, I was wrong. Ended up abandoning me like most of everyone else. That is a subject I’m not going to go down at least regarding him. What I will say before I continue is that despite the fact I wasn’t perfect, I did also try to show him that if you need anything or someone to talk too as well, I’m here and I have a couple of times whether he or anyone else believes me or not because at this point, I don’t care who believes me. Also, even though I wasn’t perfect at all, don’t fucking be an asshole to me when I was just asking you a question that had nothing to do with a problem that I was coming to you about. I didn’t always come to you for problems. Most of the time I wanted to keep to myself but if you didn’t want me to come to you with mine, then don’t say you accept me and that I have a safe place and then when I do come to you, don’t fucking be a hypocrite. The story behind that is, when I lost my job 6 weeks ago, I thought we were back on track. I went to him and told him about what happened because I haven’t talked to him in a while before that night when I did lose it and got betrayed by both of my best friends. I did and at first it was not easy but then it got good and we were fine. We were fine for weeks. We had a funny conversation a week later on Facebook. We were fine. The week later that Friday, I messaged him for no reason other than trying to be a good friend saying hey man hope you and the lady are doing well. Trying to show him that I’ am trying to fight back and get myself back. Well that Wednesday (May 17th, 2017), I noticed that his Facebook profile, Instagram and twitter were gone. So, I asked him did he delete his Facebook? All of a sudden it started an argument and I have done nothing wrong to him that night. Just ranting about how he is deleting everybody who is using him as an emotional crutch. Ok well then if you don’t want to be a crutch then don’t give people that safe place to do so. He said he had a lot going on well news flash buddy everybody has something. He was just being an asshole and threatened to block me and saying what I’m saying what I’ve been saying is crap. Well I just had enough and I straight up told him first of all if you didn’t want to be the so-called crutch then you shouldn’t have wasted your time on me and gave me that crutch in the first place!!! Second, I’m not perfect but I’ve always tried to do the best I could. Most importantly, I don’t have to defend myself to you or anybody else for that matter anymore. I’m doing the best I can to not be what I have been for a while but if you want to block me, go on. Do it. I’ll do you one better, I’m blocking your ass cause while you are sick of me and my shit even though I have been justified because of the crap that has been happening, I’m sick and tired of trying to defend myself to you. I’m not perfect but I always try to do the best I can to be the best version of myself. If you are going to be an asshole (this was that night and that night only because there are some things he has been right on) then fine fuck you. Blocked him. There’s more that was building up over the months but I’m not going to get into that. Do you get my point on that first story? Enough about him though. Here is my point on the positivity part, I never try to force anybody to feel a certain way and If I did, well I’m sorry. Don’t try to force anything down my throat. Doesn’t matter what or who you are but that’s not the point. My point on that is anybody who doubts me on that, remember this. When you have witnessed fucked up shit or heard fucked up shit like parents getting arrested? Having to hear your mom getting fucked by another man who isn’t your father or stepdad that you end up moving out with months later and what you say doesn’t matter in regard to trying to tell your mom how uncomfortable it made you or moving out there for that matter especially when months prior you witnessed your mom cheating on your stepdad? When you watched your dog die? When you have heard fucked up shit being said to you especially by multiple members in your family? Betrayed multiple times? Lied too? Near death experience only to have people who you thought you were close to say that it doesn’t matter? Mental Abuse by your mom growing up and then resentment from your stepmom most of the time just because she couldn’t have a kid of her own even though you never really done anything wrong to her? Trying to be friendly to everybody and just saying hi then most of them especially those upper-class fucks looking at you like is this middle (even though to them anything below them is lower class) class fuck talking to me? Like stay the Fuck away from me loser. People looking down on you because of your disabilities even though I’m very high functioning and a lot smarter than a lot of people give me credit for? People playing you? Using you? Trying to admit your wrongs and do the right thing and work on yourself but yet everything ends up your fault anyways? And anything else I may have said or told my story about throughout this book, then we will talk. Yes, I know what most people may say to me. But Sky everybody has problems. There are people who have it worse than us. OK I GET IT DON’T TELL ME SOMETHING I DON’T ALREADY KNOW!!!! I get that there are people who have it worse but guess what unless we know them or are close with them, we are not THEM!!!!!! We are only ourselves and the people in our lives. We can feel sympathy for them of course but we are only ourselves, our issues, and then the people in our lives issues. As I have said before, I don’t see what others see. I don’t hear what they hear. I don’t witness what they witness, and I don’t think what they think or experience what they experience. Guess what, vice versa. They don’t think what I think, they don’t see what I see. They don’t hear what I hear and they don’t witness or experience what I experience. Is that a bad thing? No. However, It’s the truth. Another point I want to add, sometimes we don’t want people to do anything. Except when we need for you to shut the fuck up so we can have our turn to just be pissed then shut the fuck up and let us be pissed. Especially when it is something we give you constantly. There are so many people I want to say that too when they are all like we get frustrated because there is nothing we can do to make it better. Well I’ll tell you exactly what you can do, first of all getting frustrated with us will not help. It will just make our situation worse and make us pissed off with you. Sometimes we just need a safe place to be ourselves and to let it out so one more time if we say just shut the fuck up and listen then shut the fuck up and listen. If we need help we will tell you. Next, and this is probably one of the two that probably pisses me off the most. My homeboy Chris said it best the other night, now a day we can’t do nice things just for the sake of being good people. I added on to that even though he’s not wrong I added that well yeah that used to be me as well but guess what as I have grown up and see the truth of a lot of things especially when you have been played, betrayed or lied too/bullshitted a lot, that isn’t me anymore. However, I’m not like other people where let’s say I do something for a pretty girl, that I immediately just say I want sex. I want to get my cock in you in return for my services. Why? Because most will think you are a fucking creep. You only do that if she offers or if you are in a relationship and that’s when she especially offers you that and you both are in the mood then ok I get it. That’s fine. Otherwise most of the time I don’t expect anything except this one thing and this is for anybody and everybody even those who I said it does not affect them, the one thing I want is just some goddamn appreciation, recognition, but most importantly the same effort or respect. Respect probably more. The number 1 point I mean by that is most of my life, I have always tried to be accepting of others. Be there for them. Help them out anyway I can. Especially when they just need to feel safe, or not alone. A safe place to feel what they feel. I analyze the situation and I will try to tell them what I think they should do on one hand if they need it but otherwise when they say they just need us to shut the fuck up and listen and let them have their voices, more times than not I do give them that and that’s basically another thing I would want as well if I asked. Basically, just I try to be there. Any possible way I can but guess what when I need something or to not feel alone etc. Guess what happens? Want me to tell you? Most of the time it is bullshit. Excuses, after excuses after excuses after motherfucking excuses. Well newsflash everybody, it takes effort from both sides. Yes, I may have gotten advice. Some of it I have taken to heart and I have tried and sometimes it works. Otherwise most of the time it doesn’t. I have a much bigger problem when I have unconditionally stood by many people but then apparently once they get to know me, they go running these days. Or like recently with my two-former ungrateful best friends who stabbed me in the back even though the situation we were dealing with was outside of work. I tried to make peace but guess what they just decide to bring it inside and basically betray me. Even though I tried to make peace and apologize not one not twice not three times but 4. What do I mean by that, I’d rather people fucking flat out tell me if you have an issue with me. If I get mad it is because I get mad at myself. To the point where I even have beaten myself up over. I have gotten better but here is the real issue, not all but most have done it to the point where it then leads to the damned if I do damned if I don’t. Again, my former best friends have did just a perfect example of that. If you haven’t seen The Betrayal Chapter yet, do it. What I mean by that is there have been multiple times where it’s either I’m doing one thing right and then the very next minute all of a sudden, it’s wrong. Also bullshit like oh sky you are too hyper or oh sky you are too sensitive or negative? Also calling me out when I do something wrong but yet being hypocrites and doing the exact same fucking thing themselves. Most people do it, almost everyone in this world are hypocrites and yes that includes me. Here I’ am wondering well geez I guess nothing I do matters or is right huh? Jesus would you rather me be negative or would you rather me try to be positive etc. We are all different but you see what I’m saying? Or as well like oh ok so its ok for you to do something but then when I try to do the exact same thing and what not, it’s not ok. It’s all of a sudden wrong when I do it but not wrong when you do it? Ok ya fucking hypocrites and trust me, almost everybody does it. Especially everybody I know. Almost everybody I know. Here is an example, something I forgot to discuss in the 2016 chapter and it is also something that kind of happened this year. Well last year, the other thing that made 2016 also a big nightmare was that my sister and I had a very huge falling out. Well it was on both us really at the end of the day. However, it was where I was trying to tell her something and I was having some dilemmas, well, all of a sudden from out of nowhere, I can’t quite remember how it started but it led to her telling me that I’m never there for her and how I’m such a shitty big brother. Well first of all, neither one of those were true. I wasn’t perfect but I did the best I could despite the fact that most of the time growing up even up to now, I felt like I had to play second fiddle to her even though I was the big brother. I was there for her when all her boyfriends fucked her over. When her ex from a while back Steven fucked her over before I moved, I wanted to kill him because I was also tight with him. When her ex-boyfriend Will before her new and better boyfriend who she has now (His Name is Tyler) was here in Austin with her a while back, he lost his shit at the mall awhile back and you know what I had to talk with him and calm him down before I went to talk to my sister because she was so upset. Just shit like that and then some. However, it’s like ok so you are going to sit here and tell me I’m a shitty brother when most of the time you don’t even bother call me or our fucking father. Well I don’t remember some others and the rest I don’t want to get into because it was something I really don’t want to go back on. Well the second night we had another one but the end of the conversation was not pretty but I didn’t let her get the last word. I did because I was wrong but she was more wrong. We didn’t talk for months but however it did bring us closer together than ever before which I’ am thankful. The second fiddle with her thing was just about like you know I’m being straight with her, I said it that night but it took when she was here last to say it the right way. That was, you know I’ve always been jealous of you. I said that to her. I’ve always been jealous even growing up because with like my dad, her mom, her family, or some of mine, it’s always been like about Millay’s accomplishments. Truth is, she had a lot more going for her despite the fact that the two father figures she had outside of our father and prior to her stepdad Chris: Joe and Quentin were douchebags. However, she did better in school, she was more talented, had more friends, had more relationships, had more accomplishments, and yes even had sex before I did. All of those I listed she had before me. She wanted to sit there and tell me (she didn’t this last time when she was here in January, it was more of a somewhat very minor disagreement but quickly got back on track) that I’m a shitty brother despite that I did try to be there as much as I could, that she had more than me and the fact that she had more going for her. It’s why I don’t talk too much of her side of the family anymore. Her mom including. Not because they’re bad people but it’s because I’m afraid especially because I have nothing interesting to talk about. I don’t have a lot of things that I accomplished and because most of the time, it has not been an easy road. Also, because the ‘’Tell me something positive’’ card will be shoved down my throat. I Don’t have a lot of things positive to talk about. Meanwhile, it’s all about her and her accomplishments. The only thing that is positive and that actually gives me peace is fantasy football even though I’m starting to lose a little bit of happiness with that and then the one thing that has always given me peace and happiness that being my guys. What I’m saying is don’t tell me that I’m a shitty brother when I have tried to be there for you even though you had more going for you and that you never call us. The shitty brother was last summer but the jealousy one and also the overall why it is hard for me to be positive part came this past January. We are good now, we are fine. Have been for a while. As far as another example goes because the betrayal one of both of my former best friends is another prime example of many and so is this one, is again the Brittany example. So, everything else I’ve done is ok but then when I try to do something nice to apologize for being a prick when you have gotten to know me? It’s all of a sudden not ok? Like are you around your cool new friends and you are ashamed to be around me? I thought that would make you feel better but no………….

 Alright does anybody get what I’m saying? If not, I’ll explain the meaning.

1.    People need to get their heads out of their asses. Every day I always try to be the best version of myself I can be despite what I have been through. When I try to work on myself and show you, it would mean a lot and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t wish some if not everybody (mostly those I know) noticed because I do. I’ am trying but most importantly when a situation is happening, if you think that I’m stupid and I don’t know what is going on? You are damn wrong cause I know more than you think. My biggest pet peeve is when I’m having a situation with someone and I admit my wrongs but when the signs of someone else in the wrong whether I’m in the wrong or not is obvious but yet they deny it and they continue to put it on me, I get really really angry. I cannot stand that shit.

2.    Be honest. If anybody has a problem with me, just come on. Out with it. So many times, people have kept things in. Lying to my face. Saying that oh everything is good but in reality, is not. Be like Me. When you have an issue, just fucking say it. I’d rather people be honest with me than people beating around the bush and holding it in. And if I get mad it’s more of at myself but I get over it fairly quickly. I used to have extra anxiety especially because of those many moments where I couldn’t do anything right. Now of course I still have moments like that but it’s very rare. Only because I ‘am trying to turn my situation around. I may be an asshole sometimes but I’m not a bad guy. I do take what I say seriously and about most of what others say seriously. I do take it to heart even if I don’t look like it or act like it. I may have my doubts but as long as people listen to what I have to say then most of the time I will be respectful and listen to you as well. I don’t want people to be afraid of me or to come talk to me. The only time people should really be afraid is when you fuck with my loved ones. Otherwise I’m very reasonable and fair. Those who claim to know it and have seen it, I think that should tell you that I’m not speaking out of my ass.

 3.    I Also cannot stand people who tell me that something I’m doing is wrong but guess what? They do it themselves. Social media for example. That is a very great example. Over the years, I have been very mouthy, vocal, and opinionated on social media sites such as Facebook. Yes, I have said some shit that I’ am not proud of. Such as I want to punch my stepmom in the fucking face. Also, I know some others. So yes, I just admit that some if not a lot of the shit that I have posted on social media has been a little over the top. However, another hypocrite alert. I have seen so much worse. People doing the same thing. Posting the same type of status’s but a little more worse than what I do. Pics or videos of them doing drugs, getting fucked up, out at the club bumping and grinding on another dude or woman. saying so much worse shit than I do. Half-naked pics of themselves. Even posting pics of their genitals or fully nude. This is guys or women, it doesn’t fucking matter. Shit there was this girl that I used to work with, she’s not there anymore and now neither am I, she posted at least a couple times of dude’s dicks who obviously want to fuck her. She also posted full on pics of her nude. They were censored but yes it was hot as fuck. She was also hot as fuck. Yes, she was more in the I want to fuck category. I’m not going to lie. However, come on dude, really? There are some women out there in general who wonder like why the fuck would dudes online especially those who may follow me and shit send me a pic of their dicks? Well for starters don’t post half naked pics or almost close to full on. Second, to just get a kick out of dick shaming somebody even if that shit is blurry? Come on. Men, also don’t fucking send personal pics of yourselves to women online if you don’t want to get shamed possibly because there are some who will do it. Some women post pics of things close to promoting their message of oh I’m a slut and It’s like totally ok to be a slut. I’m proud to be a slut. Now for those who are ok with It and don’t care about future backlash that could come with it like you fucked your ex over so bad that he decides to retaliate and get revenge by posting stuff like controversial pics or a very controversial video like a sex tape and it causes everyone to talk bad about you or prevents you from a future relationship then alright that’s on you. But if you are not ok with that, and there are some who I’m sorry don’t think before they go through with that, then I wouldn’t do that. Men, same thing with you. If you fuck over your lady, she could do something like that in retaliation. My point being is and again that is a prime example of many things that I see people do on their social media, if people want to criticize me for what I do, that’s fine. Go right ahead. Just be prepared cause I will have dirt to rub in your eyes if you fuck with me. There are some out there throughout my life who have criticized me for that exact same thing for what I say but guess what they do it too but worse. Everybody does it. I’m not the only one. Just saying. Yes, social media is not the best place to do what I do, I’ll admit that but again everybody does it one point or another. I used to do what I do online growing up because when I was living with my mom, and back in my days of school, I didn’t have a lot of friends almost none at all. I had just a rare few but even then, they were part of a group (I got something to say about that here shortly), people except for pretty much my grandma Sandra (I was close with her probably the most. My sister, My Stepdad Jesse and then my Cousin Danny are next of those that I was close with the most.), especially most of the people on my mom’s side of our family always looked down on me. My mom then was a psychopath. I felt alone. My brother was living in Licking with my Grandma Sandra and Grandpa Charlie. My sister was living in Springfield with her mom. I was pretty much alone in my house hold. It wasn’t easy. I was afraid. Nobody should ever have to be afraid of their family, especially be afraid of their mother. Who is supposed to nurture and protect her baby, not make it more afraid. I didn’t go out a lot. I never gotten invited out much. Very very very rare like 2 percent of the time. I Felt alone overall so I did what I did as a way as a cry of help. Now I do it because after holding everything in for years, although I’m trying to work on that and ween off of social media well Facebook mostly, I do it because at this point people already run away from me after a while so I might as well not be afraid to be who I’ am. Be very vocal and speak what is on my mind. I do need to be careful especially for future opportunities. Although I think it’s stupid that social media is the deciding factor on who someone is as a person. I Still do need to be careful and I have gotten better. Yes, I do my S files videos even though it’s rare these days. I do it as more of a video journal.

  Alright so those are three of my main pet peeves. Plenty more but not as big as those three. The social media one was a major example of number 3. As well, there are more but social media is the only major and recent example. I want to say something in regard to the friends’ thing, I don’t have a lot of friends. Almost not any at all. My father is right when he said that most of my former so-called friends, I probably have looked in the wrong areas. Honestly while he is probably mostly if not all right, let me just say this. Really when it first happens, everything is hunky dory. Also, he probably is right when the truth plain and simple is that because of a hard path and a history of people hurting you, I’m not very good socially. I’m very weak socially apparently and he is not wrong. Although not everything that has happened with someone is always my fault, people need to take accountability for their actions and I cannot stand those who don’t especially when you call them out and they try to play the innocent card. I used to do it growing up but now I’m not afraid to admit when I’m wrong and then I’ am also not afraid to call someone out on their bullshit. I have a bullshit radar in my brain the size of the State of Texas. That is how much for the most part I’ am able to detect bullshit. Now, When I’ am able to keep somebody around and apparently not drive them away which is very rare, whether it’s a few of my father’s friends, a friend of my moms, somebody that I know who knows somebody, or even one that I met that I can call my own and am able to keep of my own, then well that’s good. Otherwise, I’ am very critical of who I meet. It is hard to find friends or people to build relationships whether it’s a romantic relationship or just someone to have a tight connection and/or Bond with. Especially with what is going on, abroad and in our own country. We live in a divided world. Divided society. Divided Country. Divided Community. It is hard. It’s not impossible but it is not easy. It is getting harder Not too many people you can trust. When you are able to find them, do whatever it takes to hold on to them. Obviously make sure boundaries are put into effect. On their end and same with yours.

 People wonder why I’m always bitter. People always wonder why I’m never like giddy and cheery. I will tell you why. So many reasons. It starts with because I’m sick and fucking tired of always working on myself. I’ll tell you why. Because everything most of my life has always been on me. Everything most of my life has always been my fault in the eyes of most people. Never them, always me. And Most of My Family is included in this so if they are reading this,  It’s why I always have to repeat myself because when they say that what I say matters one minute, afterwards most of the time it just goes right the other. It pisses me off and they always ask me, what Is wrong?!?!? Well I try to tell you even though at first while I was growing up, I didn’t know most. I knew others, but I didn’t know what to say. Because I was afraid. Always afraid of being in trouble, afraid of something worse. Does anybody know what that is like? Does anybody know what it is like to be looked down upon because of your conditions? No? That’s not enough? That is alright because I’m not done yet. Injustice. Injustice is why I’ am especially angry. Injustice and the Hypocrisy. Injustice because everywhere I look today, I see fucked up shit. I see more and more that this world is not made for people like me anymore. I’m not rich. I’m not a drug dealer. I’m not a fucking criminal. I’m not a hipster. I’m not a corporate fucking scumbag and I’m not some douchebag that goes out and parties every fucking night. Now there is a difference between a normal everyday douche and a guy like me. A normal douchebag goes around acting all like ‘’Look at me, I have muscles. Abs. A Big cock and I love pussy.’’ Bragging about how much of a fucking showoff he is. People like me, we are pissed off. Yes I’ am pissed off. I’m very pissed off. I try to be a good person, make things right, do the right thing but yet I’m the one always getting questioned. I’m the one or people like me are the ones who always seem to get shitted on. I’m also pissed because I look around me and I see all these fucking groups. Laughing, hanging out and having a good time. I don’t have a problem with that but yes, it is a big reason because of my bitterness of all the times I’ve gotten hurt and because of what is going on in the world. I do pay attention now. I’ll even say something else. My cousin Corey although he isn’t rich and not a scumbag, his ex was gorgeous. Can’t say her name but I will say this, if they weren’t dating and she came for me, I would’ve gone for it. Yes, I’ll even admit that she is a fine piece of ass. However, I’m more loyal to my family and Corey is like a brother to me. No offense to him though and plus he has more going for him than I do and we both grew up very different lifestyles but he’s bigger not terrible but he is bigger than I’ am and yet he gets girls. He gets fine pieces of ass and also, he has been in a few true relationships. Again, his ex from years ago, she was a fine piece of ass but she was his girl. Shit I remember I used to work out all the time. I worked out every summer and then most of my final two years of high school. Wanted to try to get back on track and plus at the time that is what girls would like in a guy. I would do that and try to dress up nice, however it just felt like they would always see right through me. Something else in me just drove them away. Happened in High School. Happens now. I used my Cousin as an example to make this next point and again nothing against him. Although we piss each other off sometimes, he is like my brother at the end of the day. My point being is, I have needs. Yes, I have needs to get laid but also because I’ve always constantly had to play third wheel to everybody it felt like. My sister and her relationships, My mom and Doug. Nick and his relationships. Marisa and Bradley, everyone else that I once knew or still know whether it was my family and the relationships they were in or former friends and so called. Snuggled up, cuddling, kissing, etc. Every time I have seen that, just like with the groups thing, I always end up getting left out. It sucks. I go around today and I see people worse than me with fine pieces of ass whether it’s just for sex or true relationships, it’s probably because of money. It’s what I mean when I say that most relationships aren’t true anymore. Shit I remember last year for the first time in a while starting in January of 2016, I started working out again and it felt great. I worked out at least twice almost a week, did not eat out as much if not at all. It was great. Felt really well for the first time in a long time. Again, did it with both of my ungrateful former best friends. Well once the family falling apart situation and my household started becoming more fucked, and then the second straight year of hell happened, I just lost it again. I stopped because once again nothing for the most part ever seemed to go right. When it came to women, no girl would want to go out with me anyways even no matter how hard I would try to get in better shape or dress nice, I wasn’t rich. I wasn’t a fucking hardcore partier. Yet no matter what, they would see something in me that drove them away. It’s the fucking truth. Just when I would think I finally figured out how to talk to women because of what happened with Marisa and Lacey, apparently, I didn’t. Just like with everything else, just when things finally seemed to get easier to figure out, they don’t. I Get that everybody is going to go through constant phases of trying to figure things out. I Get that everybody is going to go through hard times. You do not have to tell me that anymore. I mean what I said when I say, there are people out there who are in my shoes who are good people who have not had easy roads as well. I get that there are always going to be tough times, trials, and tribulations and also there are going to be tough times. However there comes a point when enough is enough. I mean it, with anything and everything, there has to be a point where enough is fucking enough. I’m a 23-year-old man who is about to be 24 (Writing this on June 2nd of 2017 with my birthday in 30 days on July 1st) who has yet to experience opportunities. I look around and yes, I do feel like I was robbed. I don’t get invited out much which at this point it doesn’t really matter. I Don’t party much anyways. Almost everybody these days parties. It’s true. It’s nothing bad as long as people don’t fuck up their lives, and then make people like me feel like shit that we aren’t cool because we don’t party. That just annoys me and it irritates me. Honestly what matters to me more is again when I put myself out there, I try to be there unconditionally, All I ask is for that in return but more for people to not bullshit me.

 I still have yet to get my driver’s license because of all this fucked up shit and because of my difficult path to get to where I’m at. I came close and gotten better at practicing but then all of this fucked up shit happens and I get lost. Also, I’d rather not accidentally kill somebody because I lose concentration with all the fucked-up shit in my head. Honestly that one is on me.

              I Have survived multiple events and multiple trials throughout my life. I survived multiple hospital trips. I survived Mental abuse from multiple people including my mom and my stepmom. I survived moments of wanting to Murder my stepmom because of how badly she pissed me off over the years and how she would act towards me because of her resentment to me even though it was more at my father because she couldn’t have a kid of her own with him yet he gave her multiple opportunities for an out. That is on her. I have survived a near death experience where I literally had to fight my way out of it. Screaming for help while being dragged by a heavy current of water. Raining hard. Here's the kicker, no one was out there and I was screaming loud. My worst fear almost came to reality. I Cannot begin to tell you how many times I have had nightmares of me dying and then instead everybody was celebrating me being dead. No one missed me. Sometimes I really did wonder if life would be better for everybody around me if I wasn’t here. Especially with most people throughout my life always telling me how I wasn’t easy to be around and that one-minute people love you and then the next, people always found it hard to be around me. When they did, it’s because they felt sorry for me. Most of the time, that is exactly what happened. Most people were around me because they felt sorry for me. I don’t like that. I Want people to like me for me. I want to like others for who they are. Yeah, I have some conditions but most of the time they don’t affect me that much from otherwise being very high functioning. Even more capable than most everyday people.

                   Here’s my next point, I sometimes think my conditions are a curse. Especially with most people again throughout my entire life looking down on me. Sometimes I didn’t want to live anymore because of it. I really do mean that. Some of my experiences in school like that self-advocacy field trip I was forced to go onto by my mom and even though he wasn’t living with us at the time, my father. That story I told at the beginning. As well as because of the fact again I don’t know why I was forced to take special ed classes (even though I think it was to help me with my school work), during my freshman year I had to take this really weird class which again was similar to the self-advocacy story I told way earlier. Outside of me and Lonnie, it was a class full of people who were worse than us. Not that anything is wrong with them but that’s not where I wanted to be. That’s not where I needed to be. It was already hard having to survive school with asbergers and the mild autism but to be in a class like that, it was dis-heartening. I felt I was robbed of a lot of opportunities throughout my life because of the experience of hell I went through in school, and because of my conditions. I Wanted to go to a university like Mizzou or UT but I couldn’t cause I had to take all these advanced classes like algebra, calculus, etc. I may be able to someday if I can get past an already hellacious experience of community college and you know what I said about that earlier. You know where I stand with that. Also, it’s embarrassing because I have to live with this condition that sometimes I feel that is a curse. Yes, in case anybody was wondering, I did take all the basics in high school that helped me graduate I had too but even then that wasn’t easy. But does anybody know what it is like to have to wonder if you are cursed? To yourself and the people around you. To have people most of your entire life look down on you? Yeah it is definitely a big cause of why I have always had to deal with the obstacle of believing in myself. As I have gotten older, I have gotten better in so many ways and I have proved more times than not that I’m a lot more normal than a lot of people think I’ am.

                          Let me get back to the sex and relationship thing for a second, as I have said earlier, I’ am hornier than a motherfucker. However, for the most part I don’t believe in being a douchebag just to get women in your bed. I do believe in treating a lady right. Before I get to the relationship part, couple of things I forgot to add. I’m just going to say it and again this is the no rules, no mercy chapter. I hate having to hear other people having sex. First, it is real disturbing to have to hear others have sex. That goes back to having to hear my mom getting fucked by another guy who you were forced to live with pretty much out in the middle of nowhere. Now it’s just annoying and it’s frustrating. It makes me angry. It makes me frustrated and angry. Just today (June 6th, 2017), I was at Whataburger eating lunch because although I’m trying to get back on track with my health and to lose the poundage I have although by no means it is not terrible, Tuesday are my days to eat out by myself. Well I go in and there is this good-looking chick. She’s not a model or nothing definitely not your everyday frat house party looking chick but good god she is fucking fine. Wearing boots. Tattoos on both of her arms. Black shirt, hair somewhat tied up, with a headband, and she was having lunch with this dude who again was in worse shape than I was. Like BIG I Mean REALLY BIG!!! At first, I assumed they just met each other but then I saw them leave together. Once they leave and I was watching the car driving off the entire time from the corner of my eye, I was shaking my head to myself and again asking myself why is it that I always seem to drive others away but yet here are these guys who are in worse shape than I’ am and even then, they can get a girl whether it’s for pussy or a relationship. I really do mean that. It’s one thing for douchebag Gym tan laundry Guido looking party all night motherfuckers to. I’m used to seeing that but now I’m starting to see guys in worse shape than I’ am get women more whether it’s for that ass and pussy (Fuck) or relationship. It counts for both. While it does anger me especially when I have to hear others talk about sex or hear it, yeah, I’ am frustrated that I have yet to have my own experience of having someone to be able to have pillow talks with, cuddle with, decide whether we want to go out or stay in and order take out, or even this. Let’s say one of us is staying the night at the others, long night. Well we each take a turn taking a shower to rinse off, get cleaned up. You know what else I find beautiful that I have yet to have the experience of seeing, shower hair. A woman’s shower hair. Seeing my future lady after a shower in her PJ’s whether it’s a gown, or even like short shorts with a T-Shirt with that beautiful shower hair. However, because of my experiences with Marisa and Lacey, I’ am a little bit afraid and plus I don’t know what is going to happen, at this point I don’t want to sound desperate. However, it is frustrating. Most of your entire life you’ve had to be the third wheel to majority of people watching them snuggle up, lovey dovey, etc. I have no problem with people being happy. With true couples being happy together. That is normal. Very very normal. I have a problem when they get all handsy with each other especially in public. Touching each other on their ass or close to other no no areas, getting real into making out, it’s just gross. If you really want to fuck, just get a room. Some of us don’t want to see that. I don’t want to see it just because it’s just gross to see people getting all handsy and real gross with their affection and it is frustrating. At this point I just want somebody I can connect with.

   Did a lot of people know that I was a C-Section baby? Yeah, I was. Just a little something I’d figure I share. As a did you know kind of thing.

        I Don’t ever like to have problems with anybody. I don’t but some people throughout my life including members of my family don’t make it easy for me to want to get better. Like they know everything and I don’t. It’s why I sometimes do feel the need to stand up and I guess as most people would tell me, act like a jerk because it just gets old. It’s not me. It’s just not me but it’s what happens when enough is enough.

                 Another thing, I don’t have a problem with the whole good vibes only or positive vibes only thing. Here is where I do have a problem with it. I have a problem when there are people who use it against you which that have come to you before or that you have done things for. It takes effort from both sides. When are people going to wake the hell up. I mean it’s just ignorance I feel like which brings me to my next thing.  People who really do say that I purposely like to not let things go and that I like to live in the past on purpose? I’m sorry and I hate to break up your little parade but I actually really don’t and if nothing I have said throughout this book says otherwise, well then you really are more stupid and blind than I thought. Not all but those who don’t see it. I Never judge any of you for anything until I get to know the real you and this is with anybody. I Never push you away unless I have a good reason and that being either I can’t because I have something going on that I serious or that I have my own issues to deal with. Otherwise if anybody needs anything from me, about 98 percent of the time I will be there unconditionally. Which as well brings me to my next point. If people think that there is a secret lever inside your mind and that you can control your thoughts, well you are both right and wrong. There are certain things you can let go easily yes. Others it isn’t that simple. It’s the truth. Everybody has their demons. It’s not that I don’t like holding on to the past, I don’t. It however does get harder when more hard times have come your way throughout your life and the trust factor of it comes into play. Yes, I do have anger in my heart. A lot of it. Does that make me a bad guy? No absolutely not. It means I’m hurt. I have a lot of hurt in my heart. I have a lot of anger in my heart. I have a lot of sadness in my heart. I have a lot of pain in my heart. It’s what happens when you’ve had a rough road to get to where you are at like I have. When you have that, along with the realization with what you see in the world right now to where you have to basically survive at this point, it doesn’t get easier. It’s like Bernie Sanders said ‘’We are all in this together till the end’’

                        Right now, our society and world has never been more fucked up than it is right now. Corruption within our own government. All of the violence, Crimes, murdering, killing innocent people, raping, etc. I just read a real fucked up story where one of the President’s sons took money that he raised from a charity golf tournament for a children’s hospital and instead put it in the family organization. As if they don’t have enough money already. It’s just sick. Yes, it does depress me because it is very depressing. It’s why I said, I’m afraid that this society isn’t a society for people like me anymore. It’s sad. Calling our Country, the land of opportunity? It’s not that way anymore and it does concern me. I Really would not be surprised if there is a rebellion that the people decide to say we are done with government. Because most of the government has fucked us over enough already all due to corporate scumbags’ influence. The same who probably are upstairs laughing at us right now having a fancy party and celebrating how they are basically putting more money in their pockets when again as if they don’t already have enough. It’s why sometimes it is hard for me to have faith in this society.

                             Last but not least before I close, no one knows most of the fucked-up shit that goes on in my head because of my anger and my frustrations. I’ve had so many fucked up thoughts over the years and I mean so many. I’ll give you a recent example. Two actually. One, during last summer when I was worried about something happening to my father, I’ve had nightmares about something happening to him because of my stepmom. One night I found out about something happening to my father. I just lost it and I said I wanted to be involved in the investigation. Well a little while later about a month later, the cops found out and told me that it was my stepmom. However, I was shocked but that I needed to confront her first and alone. So, I go over to her house, she greets me like everything is fine but I was silent. Then moments later, I then confront her with a ‘’Why did you do it?’’ She at first is wondering what I’m talking about. Well then I get angry and I confront her about why did she murder my father. We get into a big nasty fight. I then hold her to the wall by her neck, she manages to scratch me in the face. Slaps me. We then slap each other at least two more times, and then her third attempt, I grab her wrist. We then all of a sudden start to kiss and make out. I then take her into the kitchen, I turn her around, I take her sweat pants off and then I manage to get her nude and I begin to fuck her as if I was raping her, however it was a way to get her distracted. It was very angry sex almost rape which lasted about 20 minutes. As soon as we were done, I then strike and I kill her to avenge my father. Why was it angry almost rape sex before I murdered her? Well again it was a way for me to distract her, I was angry and losing it, and something then happened. Plus, she always wanted a kid but I had the nightmare because again it is due to my frustrations of still not fulfilling my needs as well as the fact that I’ve had so much anger toward my stepmom over the years because of the way she treated me. Along with the fact that I was really really worried that something was going to happen to my father and I mean what I say, I don’t care who you are, you come after my father, we are going to have a major fucking problem and if it’s the last thing I do before my inevitable death then so be it. However, it’s not as worse as the next nightmare which happened recently. So, I went to sleep. I actually ended up sleeping for two days. Two days later I wake up. I walk out into my living room and all of a sudden I see Camille and my father lying on the floor dead. Blood all over my floor. My ex stepmom all of a sudden appears from out of nowhere and I start to notice a lot of her stuff back in the house. We then get into a nasty argument and I do know for a fact she murdered them. Well right as I was about to go after her, both of my former best friends appear and they shot me each in the head. So, I end up dead and then all of a sudden they basically go and have a threesome in my bed. Disturbing eh? Well I’ve had a lot of those throughout my life. Because of the fucked-up shit I went through. None of it however is as worse as some of the flashbacks and visions that I have seen of fucked up events that other people mostly people I’ve known have gone through. Like when my stepmom found Pirate. Or I even had one of when she was a little girl telling about her dreams of being able to have a family one day. Why do I keep saying my stepmom my stepmom my stepmom? Well it’s the only recent examples I can remember because there have been plenty more in other areas that most I do not remember.

            Now it’s time for me to close with one final statement. Most of the time, I have a great reason of saying what I’m saying. Yes, I’m not easy to be around. Yes, I can be a prick sometimes. Yes, I have done my fair share of shitty things. Yes, I’ve done things I regret. Yes, i say a lot of things that people may look at me like what? However, I’m not afraid to be real. For so long I have been afraid but at the end of the day I can’t be. I’ am pissed off. I’m pissed off in so many ways imaginable. I’m angry. I’m horny, yes I’m a little lonely. I’ am constantly battling my demons, my anxiety and my depression. We all lie, we are all hypocrites, yes even me. But that’s very rarely when I do either. I may come off a little eh at first but once you get to know me, I’m actually not a bad guy. I can be anybody’s best friend and their biggest ally because it is true, if I like you a lot and you are real and you don’t bullshit me then yeah I will be in your corner when you call on me. Time and time again, I’ve had to prove myself to other people. I’ve had to defend myself to people who didn’t deserve it. When they say something or how they feel, I don’t say it’s an excuse. When I do? Oh, all of a sudden, it’s an excuse or what I say doesn’t matter or I’m too much to deal with? WELL YOU KNOW WHAT I’M TIRED OF IT!!!!!!!! This goes out to everybody, there is a difference between emotional crutch and just plain and simple you are struggling to find your place but yet you try to do the right thing and do right by everybody. Most of the time these days I don’t feel like talking because I’ am fed up with the injustice and the hypocrisy. Most of the time when I’m mad I just want to be alone but it’s thanks to so many situations that now I finally have the courage when I say if there are times that I just want people to shut their fucking traps and that I don’t need any help then shut your fucking mouths and let me be pissed off. Feel what I want to feel. Does that make me a bad guy? No. Does that make me weird or a pussy? No, it’s called keeping it real. I want to be a good person and I want to be a better person for myself and the people around me but sometimes yes most of the people past, or present just whatever, they do not make it easy on me either. At least I have the balls to admit when I’m wrong, at least I have the balls to try to work on myself, at least I have the courage to try to be the best version of myself that I can be. Yes, I’ am mad and I’ve been mad for so long at the fact that I’ve had to play third wheel to so many things. Sometimes I do think that this world and this society isn’t for people like me. Yes, in case anybody hasn’t seen it already, when I first moved here I did try a few times to end my life. I used to beat myself with my belt, I used to choke myself because sometimes due to throughout my entire life and the issues with my stepmom, that what If life would be better if I wasn’t around both for myself and others. Especially with most of the time, most people throughout my life other than my father have said on multiple occasions that I’m overwhelming, or the fake friendships that I’ve had due to people feeling sorry for me. You really think I want to live my life with people feeling sorry for me? Hell, no because I’ am more capable and a lot smarter than people give me credit for and a lot more than people think. I have proved that time and time again. I Want people to like me for me but not if I have to kiss ass and not if I have to be something or somebody I’m not, and be everyone’s fall guy or scapegoat. I’m tired of it. I’m tired of putting myself out there no matter what and I keep getting shit on by things or most other people. Especially when it comes to accountability. I’m also done with everyone trying to do the whole getting me into the whole fucking ‘’Feeling good, yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah.’’ Every time that happens, I want to blow my brains out sometimes. That doesn’t mean I’m a miserable bastard. I’m not happy and I haven’t been for the longest of times but that doesn’t mean I hate my life or I hate life. That also doesn’t mean I don’t want to end my life. Why? Well I’ll get to that here in a minute.

              The only time I ever associate feeling good yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah is either during sex, when you are fucked up or in my case, when my guys win a national championship in hoops. Otherwise, I’m not some goddamn hipster who goes around ignoring and being blind to the truth. There are so many fucked up things with this world that quite honestly I don’t have a lot of faith that it will get fixed anytime soon. I hate going around and having to see good people suffer. I get pissed during any stressful situation but I especially get even more pissed when it’s people I care about. Seeing them upset. It breaks my heart. The worst of it is, seeing my father crying. It’s a rare occasion. I’ve seen a lot but seeing my father crying, that is just heartbreaking and not that it’s wrong but it just breaks my heart. I Used to be afraid of some global disaster happening or war especially on our own soil or backyard but sometimes I feel like that’s what we need to bring everybody together. The world used to be such a friendly place for the most part but now it’s evil. So much evil in so many areas. It’s just sad.

                There is so much more but now it’s time for me to put this to a close. I don’t mean to be selfish but it’s my turn to have a lot of experiences that others were able to have before I did. I have survived so much and I’m still standing. Sometimes I wonder why I’ am here. Sometimes I don’t want to live anymore. Sometimes I wish I didn’t. I question what is my purpose. Is Life better for everybody around me if I wasn’t around? It Sure feels that way sometimes. I used to want to be included to where I didn’t feel like an outsider from today’s society but at this point I’d rather have the respect and honesty from others than the need of wanting to be included. I’d rather people be honest with me and not bullshit me. If you are afraid to hurt my feelings? Don’t, I’ve dealt with so much worse. I think I’m used to it by now. If anybody has a problem with me, then for the love of fucks sakes just come out with it man. If I’m wrong, I’ll know it and I’ll admit it but don’t think I’m just going to bow to anybody anymore. If I notice that you are wrong, then expect me to call you out on it too. Now whether we give each other the safety to speak, will determine how quickly we can move past it. Which is something I mainly never got with my stepmom and I’m glad the bitch is out of here now. Now at the end of the day although I question myself, I’d much rather be alone than having to worry about others who is not named my father. I’m here for a reason. I can either be your best friend and your biggest ally or I can be your worse enemy and make your life a fucking nightmare. I’d prefer to not do that but I will if I must. Effort people. Effort on both sides is the key to successful friendships and relationships and if there is not that present then it will be a major fucking fail.

                     I close with this. I do the best I can. As much as I wonder, the one thing that Is true is that I’ am here for a reason. I want to be a good person but sometimes it is not easy. We are all going to battle and fight our demons every day. It is not easy. What is my reason? I don’t know yet. Am I afraid of what’s going to happen next? Oh yes. So much more but the bottom line is, I want to be fair and I’m going to be fair but not if it is a result of me having to bow down to others and kiss their feet and ass. That is not me. We don’t ask for much. We just ask for the same love, appreciation, respect, and courtesy. Not a lot of that going around anymore. No matter what though, despite that I was dealt a shitty hand most of my life, I’ve gotten here for a reason. I’ve gotten this far for a reason. It’ wasn’t easy and by no means will it never will be. Sometimes it is ok to have the thought of when is enough going to be enough. We all deserve an opportunity and we all deserve nothing but the best. As long as you are good souled and kind hearted (obviously not doing terrible evil shit), then you absolutely deserve the best things life can offer. No matter what, although I still feel I have something to prove, I’d rather be left alone and go through it with a few true people than go through it with a bunch of phonies. Last but not least, and again this next part is for everybody. If you do not want to be the apparent sudden emotional crutch, then don’t fucking try to talk to us especially when most of the time we just want to be alone. Either be true to your word that you accept us when we accept you or just stay the fuck away. That’s all I got to say. I’ am who I’ am and I don’t plan on changing for anybody. There is a time and place when you will have to put that aside but otherwise don’t ever bow down to people who try to force you to be something you are not. You are who you are and either people can accept it or not. If they do, great. Come along for the ride but if not then just leave us the fuck alone. Either stick to your word and be straight with us, or just leave us alone so we don’t despise you even more when we find out you fucking played us or lied to us.

                                                            The Betrayal

                     Chapter Song: Nine Inch Nails- The Mark Has Been Made

  I'm about to tell you a very very tricky story in this next chapter. It is something that happened recently almost seven weeks ago. Writing this on June 2nd, 2017. Because I do not want to risk a legal situation or even worse, there are a lot of specifics that I cannot mention such as where I was working at unless some of you already knew and then the names of two of my former best friends. So, here’s what I’m going to do. Instead of saying their actual names, it is going to instead be FBF 1 (Former Best Friend 1 the older one) and FBF 2 (former best friend 2 the younger one). Before I begin, I just want to say that I have absolutely nothing against the overall organization I worked and volunteered for. I was at one of the best animal shelters in town. It was a no kill shelter. Now what we all did for the animals overall there was beautiful, and it was such an honor to work and volunteer there (Although and I made this very clear with my father multiple times especially in the packet I made for him regarding my future, I will never volunteer or be forced to do so again. I will fight him on it if I have too. Otherwise, the next time I do this, I want to get ACTUALLY FUCKING PAID CONSISTENTALY at a Job.) for the last 3 years of my life. By no means was it easy. It was actually not easy and while I respect the goal of saving animals lives and I can admire that, everything else however was well I’m sorry but the environment was toxic. It wasn't necessarily the best atmosphere for somebody like me. I only did it to shut my stepmom up, I did it because at the time it was hard for me to find a job in this town and it was something to get me out of the house. At the end though, there were moments that I will take with me and cherish for the rest of my life. Also, I would love to give a shout out to my former boss (unless I discover she’s fucking lying to me which it would not shock me), some of the front office people, a homegirl who has become like family to me over the years despite everything that has happened, and one of the sweetest people I’ve ever met. Her name was Lorena. She was one of our top volunteers there. Still probably is there as we speak. Not that it’s a bad thing. The whole world needs a whole lot more people like Lorena. While I will give a very special shout out to those.... the rest not so much. Especially my two former best friends who I once considered Brothers. Until they betrayed me. Yes, betrayed me. I said it. I’m already being nice but more of to myself by not revealing their names because last thing I need is more bullshit. I'm going to say this, i do wish them well but I have lost so much respect for them and I do not want to see them ever again. Especially after this situation. I’m going to say how I feel about this entire thing and about them but first here is the story of how it happened. The betrayal of the century ladies and gentlemen.

        First and foremost, both of them were brothers. Plus, they lived together in one of the nicest apartment complexes in South Austin. The story of how the betrayal happened, well it all started with the last time my grandmother was here in town. She came into town on the weekend of April 15 and 16th. She came in that Thursday before those dates. The reason why she was in town is she wanted to be with family and because every year around that time. It is the anniversary of when my Uncle Mark Passed away. It has been 8 years since he passed away. Well every year we always do this balloon sendoff thing to let him know we love him and miss him plus it’s something that my grandmother created so we also do it to make her happy. Well while I do love her and while it’s not the easiest time because now a day I just can't handle too much emotional situations anymore, I do it for her well we all do it for her because we love her and we are family. Well this last time, it was not easy and because of it kind of put me in a funk. The day of the anniversary comes around. I’m not looking forward to it because of the emotional state that the day always puts mainly her and my uncle Dave in. However, it started before the ceremony. Everybody was out and about. Getting balloons for the ceremony. My grandmother was in my old man’s room which is where she was sleeping at while she was staying with us. She was in there and I was back and forth between the office. Well while we were waiting, I decided to call Lou but I did it privately because even though she was ok with us talking etc. I did not want to be insensitive. I also didn’t want to trigger her PTSD because she has been through a lot throughout her life but I only called Lou because I wanted to use his consolidated communications info so I can watch Royals games on account of they are in my top 3 baseball teams in between Rangers and Marlins. Well I then went outside and we continued to talk. Well my grandmother comes out and all of a sudden, she asks who am I talking too? Along with that voice sounds familiar. She knew, she’s definitely not stupid. She stresses me out sometimes but she is not stupid. She also wanted to hear the voice so I walked closer to where she was sitting and of course so she could hear the voice. Everything was fine. Lou and I began to talk about a serious situation that we were talking about earlier in the summer regarding his stepson. Well once we got off the phone, she began to ask me questions about what was going on. Everything was fine. She was being a curious cat which was 100 percent fine. So, I tell her the details and then I tell her that while I was gone this summer for my 6 weeks. I went to see Lou. Unfortunately, that is when it all started. She changed and it caused some problems well the first time I felt bad because I didn't mean to trigger her PTSD. Which it did. Of course, it started a back and forth throughout the day. What didn’t make sense is I thought she was ok with it? This was the same thing that happened last time she was here and honestly (Yes, she probably is reading this right now) I was ready for her to leave because it was getting on my nerves. The best thing that came out of all of this came that Tuesday. Two days after she left. What does that have to do with the point of this chapter? You’ll see. Just be patient. So, after the first somewhat situation that Saturday I gave her some space and plus I needed some. That night rolls around and it continues only this time she starts to give me crap about why didn’t I go up there (to Graham) instead why did I go to Kansas City, why didn’t I go to her. I told her exactly why which is I was having a real tough time being away from my father for six weeks. It was just a back and forth that went on for a little while that really pissed me off. Luckily Camille was there and my father was there too. While my father talked to my grandmother, Camille took me out of the house to get some air. It was nice. We went to grab everybody’s dinner. Came back and while I was still annoyed a little bit, the night was well somewhat saved. I was still ready for her to leave. Well after a tense conversation with my father about it that Monday, I call her back that Tuesday because I did feel bad. Although it was a very irritating situation that I really did not want to deal with, she is my grandmother damn it. She has always been there for me when no one else was. Well that conversation that Tuesday was one of our finest conversations we had. I was finally able to tell her a lot of what I’ve been feeling. I cannot go into Details about what happened between her and Lou. That is their business. What I will say and it finally came to me, I told her and asked her did she ever stop to think that yeah while I (talking about me) wish that what happened between her and Lou never happened, that growing up I really didn’t have a grandpa figure around. Not as much as Lou. Not that I have anything against my Grandpa Ben, I don’t. We have a great relationship now. I also have a great relationship with his wife, my grandma Debbie. The rest, not so sure. Again, nothing against them. But the point being is, why do I have Lou in my life still? It’s because he has been there my entire life. He was there for me growing up. He was the closest thing to a grandpa figure I had when I was a kid. Wasn’t necessarily close with the rest, nothing against them but Lou, he was there since the very beginning pretty much. Through all the Hospital visits, through all my tough times at home with my mom, etc. He was there. Yes, I know the situation was a rough one and I understand that she was hurting. I know that while she says it was ok, that there are things that trigger her PTSD, and while yes if that situation that she had was with someone else, it would be easier for me to not be stuck in the middle. However, the truth is Lou was like another father figure to me growing up. Outside of Jesse, and then of course outside of my father (even though he wasn’t here-here). He always showed me a good time whether it was our walks around Mizzou Campus, taking me to events, etc. The all-around truth is growing up he was the closest thing to a grandpa figure I had and he was good to me growing up, that finally got through to her. The last summer thing, I told her the truth about it, I answered the questions that she may have had and I told her everything. Bottom line is it wasn’t that I had anything against her, not at all. It’s also not the fact that I didn’t want to go to her. However, I didn’t want to go stay at the ranch etc. all summer (Talking about Graham, Texas) It’s that I just have another person who has been there with me almost my entire life who also loves me. It’s not a matter of who I love more, it’s like everybody always tells me to always keep the people who love you for you closer, right? Well that’s the point I was trying to tell her that day. I do stand by the last summer thing because I was having a hard time like a really hard time being away from my father for six weeks. Where I couldn’t sleep some nights and I needed to do things that took my mind off of it, see where I’m going with that? Well look while it was a complicated situation, probably always was and will be till the end of times, and that it took her a little bit to relax, it got through to her finally and well that was that.

Still want to know what this has to do with the Betrayal? Well here is the story. So, the day after my grandmother leaves which was on Sunday and the current day was Monday, I wasn’t myself. I really didn’t want to go to work that day. Besides FBF 2 and a friend of his and FBF 1s were working that day, FBF 1 was taking an extra day off. When I got there, I did a little bit of laundry. Moments later, FBF 1 calls me and invites me over to watch some Luke Cage because at the time that was our show we were watching. So, I leave work which was fine because I wasn’t getting paid anyways and at that point I just didn’t care. I haven’t been happy there for a while but I’ll get to that here shortly. I leave and plus everything was pretty much done. Nothing to do. I get over to the apartment around 10:45-11am that morning. I get there and I stop to get me and FBF 1 something to drink at the store which is what I always do whenever it’s just me and him at the apartment. I get to the apartment and of course everything is all handy dandy normal. Just normal and all is good. We watch some episodes of Luke Cage, we begin to just chat about guy stuff, him telling me about his weekend, etc. Everything was good, well later on that afternoon for some weird reason I was still hungry and he happened to make some burgers. Well one thing after another happened and he got pissed at me for overdoing the calling him bitch thing. Even though it was by no means a fighting response, me calling him bitch thing which again I’ll have plenty to say about that here soon. Well I feel bad so I do apologize, but he wasn’t very talkative. I leave their place to head home. The rest of that week I wasn’t talkative that much. That Friday rolls around, and FBF 1 and FBF 2 were leaving early that day because FBF 1 had to leave early for a dentist appointment. Well right as they were leaving, I decide to send FBF 1 a quick hey man sorry I haven’t been all talkative all week, apologizing again for Monday, good luck with his appointment message. That was that. Gave him more space. Well come that Monday the beginning of the following week, I discover from some of my sources that apparently, he has had an issue with me, both of them have for quite some time and that they needed some space from me. Which I don’t understand why because most of the time we don’t talk about our issues with one another especially because they don’t like to talk about feelings even though let’s be clear there is a major difference between feelings and if you have an issue with someone you fucking come out with it. So again, I gave them even more space…. again. Well it was an uncomfortable week. Neither one of them spoke to me, it was just uncomfortable. So that entire week which was the week before my final hours there, it was very uncomfortable. So, what I ended up doing was I either avoided going or I just worked and hid in laundry. It was overwhelming and nerve wrecking. I also worked a few times with another friend of mine to give her a hand. That Sunday rolls around and I decide to try to make peace with them both by sending a peaceful message with FBF 1. Although it was long, I could’ve cussed him out and said this is stupid. Well guess what, it ended up being my downfall. I avoided going that Monday but that Tuesday 7 and a half months ago ago (writing this on November 16th, 2017) was my final day. I go in and I do Laundry for about 10 minutes although I was panicking and trying to make peace to keep my job (Yes again it was technically volunteer but over time it became like my job and I treated it like such. Which again, sorry I had to repeat myself) with some key people before I went into Laundry. Well 10-15 minutes in, once I get there, FBF 2 came in and waited about a few minutes, and then moments later…... there you have it. They decided to bring our situation from the outside to the inside and I was basically fired/Released/let go. ‘’You are no longer allowed on the premise. I’ve been receiving several complaints about you.’’ Said FBF 2. I got my stuff. I left but not without saying this. ‘’I’ve heard otherwise but ok.’’ I responded for the final time and then I left. It was hard, yeah, I wasn’t happy there for the longest of time but that was not the way I wanted to go out. What’s worse is that my best friends who I once considered brothers basically lied to me for the last year going back to last summer and I’m going to respond to that and basically the politics that went on because I do have some anger with them and my former boss and some others because there was some shady shit going on that I’m going to let out on here because if they are going to lie to my face and then say they’ve had an issue with me for a long time. Well guess what it’s my turn because I’ve had issues of my own but I never said anything because I was blind to the truth and at the time they were two of the closest friends (Forgot to add, they were both kind of racist to white people and basically everybody else) I had in the city. We did a lot together. Been through a lot together. Also, I’m going to say some other things. Again, I had no problem with the organization. At the end of the day, the most important thing we did was giving those animals a safe loving place and that is what we did so I’ am blessed we did that and I’ am thankful for some of the relationships I have built that stood true to this day and some of the relationships I have built with some of the dogs over the years. Sky King, Choco, Daisy, Bleu, Cleo, Bear, Banjo, and Most Importantly my little buddy BoBo. Rest in peace sweet Prince. I loved my boss although I may have annoyed her sometimes. A few others I really liked but the rest, not so much. It was a very stressful situation and environment so I 100 percent take responsibility that when I had the opportunity to leave, I didn’t and I should’ve but I was afraid. The one thing I’ am thankful for that day is that I’m glad about the conversation I had with my boss and another one of the front office people who I was tight with due to fantasy football. Until I then discovered and until it came to me that I’ve been lied to for the last year, I did beat myself up. It was once again another case of oh I don’t do anything right anymore. All I’m good for is driving people away. When I then discovered that both of them have been playing and using me this entire time especially the last year with all the lies that were going around about me and basically, I was the fall guy and just a little puppet to gain from or to make them feel better about themselves, then it all changed. The moment where I’m finally going to accept myself and be proud of myself even more than I was. So here it is. Here is my response to them, how I felt about it, and then my response/the truth about my experience there overall.

 To and about both of my former best friends: First of all, I’m going to start this off with a positive. At the end of the day, I don’t wish ill will towards them although what they did was an act of betrayal. I don’t care what anybody says what they did was an act of betrayal. That is why I don’t even say their names anymore. I can’t even say their names without cringing. Instead I call them both the traitors well I did for a while until a conversation with my father and then one of my best friends and her boyfriend who is now a good friend of mine too. Before I get to my response to everything that happened, I’ am thankful for all the good times we have had the last two years although you two are fucking lying sacks of racist shit. We’ve had some pretty good nights over the last couple of years. Nights that I will cherish for the rest of my life so for all that they have done for me and for all the good times we’ve had, thank you. Now I have to say this and it’s going to be harsh. What about all I have done for them? Never once except for rarely did they ever appreciate me for anything I’ve done but I’ve put my annoyance about it aside because at the time I didn’t want to lose the only two people that were my closest friends in town. Want some examples? Oh, I got some, don’t think I didn’t come prepared. I hooked them up with some of my accounts such as Hulu, HBO Go, etc. Because of me, they got to watch some of the shows that they wouldn’t normally watch and they could watch them at any time. You think that’s the only one? Oh no there’s more, if it wasn’t for me trying to show how loyal I was to them, if it wasn’t for me being there, they wouldn’t have been able to get the time off for vacation that they otherwise bitch about that they never get. Want to know what happens afterwards? They would still bitch and they want to go around saying I complained a lot when they did the same fucking thing. So much hypocrisy. Oh yeah here’s another one, when we worked together, I stood up for them so many times that they never knew about because I know how it would go. They wouldn’t care because they were never grateful for anything. I already know what they would say should they see this, they would get pissed and they would say oh this motherfucker wants to say this about us, we’ve done so much for that motherfucker. They can go ahead. That’s fine because I stand by it. It’s the truth. However, again I stand by what I said as well because although I wasn’t perfect which I have admitted time and time again with this and multiple other things that I wasn’t perfect, I did try to do my Ppart and if they want to think I’m stupid then they can go ahead but I know the truth. I don’t care what they say or anybody else says, I’m a lot smarter than they give me credit for. Oh yeah, they would also complain that no one cares how they felt or how they would never get help. All lies. Why because if it wasn’t for me? A lot of stuff for them would’ve never happened. No fight exhibit for them. No time off to do some of the things they wanted to do because of work but they did because of me. Again, once never an ounce of appreciation from them. Although at the end of the day, nothing was ever good enough in their eyes. They thought they were the shit and that they can do it all.  I could say so much bad about them but I’m not however that isn’t going to stop me from saying what I have to say. With that being said, 2 FUCKING YEARS ALL GONE!!!! You want to put this on me, that’s fine go ahead but I know that I was not the only one with faults during these two years. So much hypocrisy during this. First and foremost, I thought the basis of our friendship was about shit talking and goofing off. They want to get on my ass about me saying or calling them bitch? Even though we all three know that it was me trying to play around because it was yet another damned if I do and damned if I don’t situation and what I mean by that is just like with everything else I’m either too down and depressing or too hyper or whatever, then that’s fine but if they want to play ball then guess what I’ll play ball. Don’t mess with me about my weight. Don’t fucking mess with me about the fact I haven’t been in a relationship or the fact that I haven’t gotten laid. Don’t fucking say stupid shit like I get special advantages because I’m white when I have tried to show you both that I stand with you and there were times where I stood with you because of the fact that I considered you brothers. Then don’t fucking mess with me about the fact that I have a fucking debit card for my money and that I’ am stupid for having a card when you both know my situation. So much hypocrisy. Bunch of Hypocridiots (Shoutout to Alex Willett, That will live on with me forever) Oh yeah let’s not forget I used to look up to you guys. Yes, sometimes over the last year I wasn’t being easy to be around, yes, I was not myself but you know what, you wanna go around and say that I was being negative all the time? Go ahead. Again, fucking lie and you know it. Here’s another thing you are leaving out, same thing fucking came out of you two a lot. It was annoying as well having to hear you two bitch all the time, talking about yourselves. You both did that well before I did but the difference is I had serious situations going on so if anything, I had the right to feel what I feel. Was work the best place for it? No and you know what I accept it. I’ll live with that. As well as like I have said a million of times and I’ll say it again, sometimes and everybody is included in this once again but sometimes I don’t want help. Sometimes I want what everybody else wants and that is just to plain and simple bitch. Maybe I don’t want to talk about my feelings either but like everyone else, I just plain and simple want to have a safe place to be pissed off just like how I have given that to everybody my ENTIRE LIFE!!!! Now, if you want to go around saying that I was standing around all the time, and that I was one of the shittiest people to work with, fine. But again, I know the truth and so do a lot of other people. I will accept that yeah, I wasn’t easy and yes, I was shit over the last several months etc. However, if you want to spread lies about that, then here I’ am with the truth. Yes, I was not happy there for the longest of times ever since I came back last summer but I stayed because I was afraid to do something else and yes, I stayed to show you guys how thankful I was. I did everything I could to show you how loyal and reliable I was. There Is a difference between how you guys would say talking about feelings and plain and simple if you had a problem with me, you come out and you fucking say it. Don’t beat around the bush and lie to my face for the last year. I’m glad this happened because now I don’t have to see your lying faces anymore. I’m also glad because the truth finally set me free and it showed me that I don’t need anybody for acceptance and to be proud of me. Just know that if you are thinking about this someday, remember this one thing. I wish you both well but i never want to see you two again especially if somehow someway you decide that what happened was a mistake because I mean it, you both are dead to me. You will never have another person that was as loyal as I was. You will never have another person that did everything he could to show you how much I have stood with you, who did everything he could to help your sorry complaining asses who never appreciated anything from anybody and nothing was never good enough in your eyes, who gave back to you so you can do the things you never were able to do before I got there, who defended you as much as I did, you two were like brothers to me. You also still want to lie and say I sucked and that I never did anything even though I do remember a lot of times where you did compliment me even though it was rare, that’s fine. Remember this, there were a lot of times where I did try to help and you said noooooooooooooo we can do everything. Bragging about how you were the shit. When we had the situations with the others who joined our team, I did everything I could to help when you felt like you had nobody. I came in on days where no one else showed up right there and then no matter how early it was and it was just one of you when you needed me the most. I wasn’t perfect at that either but I did do the very best I could to try to hang on and do the best I could to show that I did care. I Have lost so much respect for you two because of this, but I should thank you for two more things as well. I’m glad it was me that ended up leaving first because I knew I wasn’t going to be there much longer anyways. I’ve been saying for a while about how I was going to leave after certain times, well I’ll own up to that. That is on me. But if you think that I’m going to walk out of this with my head down low and not stand up for myself, then you really don’t know who I’ am. Plus although I may not have shown it at times, at least our boss was more grateful for the things I’ve done than you two were and I’d rather not her be left hanging. Yes, I mean that you two were better at it then I was, but the final thing I’m going to say is if you don’t want me to do the one thing that pissed you off even though at the end of the day it wasn’t anything serious, oh yeah then don’t fucking say hurtful things like how there were times that certain things that I’ve done it was never good enough and that it will never be good enough if it isn’t done your way. At least I was helping your sorry ungrateful asses. While I have done a lot of shitty things, I have also done a lot of good. So, thank you for opening my eyes to the truth. Yes, my confidence and trust was shaken to the core once again and after this I was taken back to my not so good place again for the first time since November of 2016 but you know what, while yes, I’ am being left with more questions than I’ am left with answers, I’ am glad I am not trapped anymore. So, I wish you well but I have never been happier to be done with something or some people than I’ am with you two. You say that it is not easy to talk to me? Remember the conversation that we had back after thanksgiving before I started filling in for Ya’lls scheduled time off during December. Remember the evaluation. Everything you told me that I needed to work on Had you not lied to my face over the last year or pretty much this entire time, then yes, I would’ve beaten myself up over this big time. I still am a little bit because yes I’ am scared because of the workplace politics and the lies that were going around about me the last year, about what to do next. However, thanks to this new development, the truth has set me free. Remember that, and also remember that I’ am glad to be rid of you two as well. If you think that I’m just going to bow to you two and let some of the lies that were being spread about me the last year slide, you are sadly mistaken with another person. I know who I’ am and I have my shit together more than you two. Trust me I could say a whole lot more but I’m going to be nice and this is me being nice but I’m not just going to let this injustice slide. So, I wish you well but farewell. May god ever help you find peace in your souls. I’m moving on you ungrateful bastards. Thank you, thank you for opening my eyes to the truth. When my final day there came, if there is one thing I can definitely be proud of from that day, it is that not knowing what was going to happen, I went in there with very big uncertainty so I’m glad I was able to walk in there and have the balls to face the uncertainty. I do think that at this point when I think about it that maybe I was set up to fail from the start and be the puppet and the fall guy.  I guess people as usual in general are right when they say that people could very well just turn on you one day out of nowhere. It sucks that this was once again another situation like that for me but maybe it happened for a reason. I don’t know but I guess we will see over time.

  My Experience in other areas there: Like I said, I have no ill will towards the organization. Some of the others I have worked with whether its colleagues etc. it wasn’t easy. At the end of the day, it was a toxic environment for me. I’m blessed and glad to have had the experience. I’m blessed and glad to have met some amazing people who are still close friends of mine to this day. I’ am very blessed and honored and forever grateful to my boss and the owner of the organization for giving me the opportunity to do this even though this has not been easy at all. I’ am grateful to have a boss who did nice things for me on a personal level as well, make me a cake for my birthday before I left for my six weeks during the summer of 2016 and then buy me a beer at the Football game when I was going through yet another tough time. It is why I will always have nothing but the utmost love and respect for her even if I got on her nerves. I’ am glad to leave the dogs who were constantly barking in your ear behind, I’m glad to leave the constant complaining by volunteers and other staff behind where they would always bitch no matter what and nothing was never right in their eyes. I also do not miss the elements such as rain and then the frozen mornings or very hot days or afternoons. No matter how shitty I was over the last year, I did do a lot of good for the place too. And then another thing I will not miss is the volunteers etc. who constantly went around saying that we well mainly me at this point. Can’t speak for my former team because that is not my problem anymore but as I was saying I won’t miss the constant complaining and their attitudes. Was I easy to work with sometimes? No but I did try the best I could to be pleasant but after a while it was getting harder and harder to be pleasant with most of those people. I get that we have to work together and again some of them there, I really liked, and I hope they are doing well. The rest, I got fed up with their attitudes and I’m not going to kiss their asses if they aren’t going to be right. Especially if they go around saying though that we are always messing with their favorite dogs. No? We weren’t. There are some who just plain and simple did not like us. For example, there was a dog there. His Name was Blue Eyes. He was a Giant Catahoula. Not like my Leia because my Leia was a sweetie pie my sweet oookoo chichi but he was huge. I never messed with him. Every time I would pass by him no matter what I was doing, he would lose his shit and he would want to basically eat me. There was one time where I did try to assert my dominance, ok I will admit that but that is what I was told that if you want a dog to start calming down and basically stop making you feel threated then you would have to assert yourself as the alpha male. Still got in trouble but again I wasn’t abusing him. Yet still after that day, people still were spreading lies about me about how I was messing with Blue Eyes. As well as other dogs although it was never all of them. Anyone ever think that maybe there were other dogs that I liked as well? Who also liked me? Who didn’t lose their shit like Blue Eyes did no matter when he saw me? Oh yeah even when I was in a distance, he lost his shit. It didn’t matter how far I was. But yet people want to say I was a troublemaker?  Oh well I guess it doesn’t matter at this point and what I say again did not matter. No matter what though despite everything that happened, I’m very thankful to be given an opportunity when no one else at the time did take a chance on me. As long as going forward, those animals are taken care of well which I know they are, then although I’ am afraid and I’ am scared about what’s going to happen next along with I’m afraid if I’m going to get screwed somehow someway, I can at least walk away knowing that some of the dogs etc. that I built a special bond with over time are safe and are going to be safe. Why? Because little known fact, I do love animals. 😊 Especially dogs. Cats are ok. There is only one cat I love more than anything and that is my kitty bitch Lulu. That being said, I wish things there didn’t end like it did but I’ am very thankful to have been able to have the opportunity to be there and volunteer (Although once again, I will never and I mean NEVER FUCKING VOLUNTEER AGAIN BECAUSE ONE MORE TIME NEXT TIME I WORK, THIS AMAZING MOTHERFUCKER RIGHT HERE WANTS TO MAKE SOME GODDAMN GREENS, See closing chapter for more)/work there for the last 3 years of my life. It was an amazing feeling to know that I was (well I hope I did, sometimes I feel like I failed) making a difference in animals lives who didn’t have a home. I’ am afraid and nervous about what is going to happen next but no matter what, I’m thankful for the opportunity and proud of what I’ve done there over the three years despite the rough times on my part. (However, it’s why I will never force myself to volunteer again and I won’t let anybody force me to do that either not even my father because I’m 24 now. I tried it. It had its moments both good and bad but I’m done with it, I’m ready and everything that happened proved myself that I’m ready to go to the next level including making those goddamn greens. I know I can do it. I just need to remember that i’m doing things to take care of myself first and then when it comes to other people, I need to surround myself with the right ones.)

 The Ongoing Back and Forth List of People I trust

                                                      Song Chapter: Post Malone- Go Flex

   Lock= Nothing to worry about. People who have proved to me that they accept me for who I’ am and although we have disagreements, they take accountability for their actions. They have never left my side even when they had every right too. Also, who put forth effort in return. Honest with me finally. Who I will do anything for

My father (Although I wish he stop doubting me sometimes and also just listen to me a little more if what I say really does matter to him. If not that, at least acknowledging the progress I have been making over the last several months. It would make some of the other things or situations we have easier because as I always say I’m not always right and I’m not always wrong. He’s not always wrong but he’s not always right. Why do I say that? Well because one big thing is I’m always good at telling people how proud I’ am of them and how much I appreciate them. I just wish sometimes he would do that a little more for me. Not in an asskissing way but just a little more acknowledgement because even if it is small what I do and the progress I do make does matter. Especially if he really does respect me and what I say to him matters like he says it does). It’s like my life coach Jaclyn always says, we do have to find a way to get on the same page. We love each other but we do have different personalities and our biggest downfall in our relationship is when we clash.

Veronica (My sweet VeeBear)

Camille (I love her but like with her and her stuff, I’ am always going to have stuff that makes me have questions)

My Mom (Now)

My Grandma Bren

Corey

Evan

Brieanna

Uncle Dave

Chris (Andria’s Chris)

Andria

My Homeboy Chris (Starbucks Chris)

Aunt Carla

Darby (My Brother)

Millay

Walt

Grandma Sandra (I do need to do a better job keeping in contact with her)

Danny

Sam

Jonas

Brantley

Acacia

David

Adam

Alex

Richie

My KC people (You Know who you are)

Grandpa Ben

Grandma Debbie

Jared

Lonnie

Daniel (Camille’s Brother)

Dave (Camille’s dad)

Robyn (Camille’s mom)

Drew

Uncle Kevin

Karen

Julian

Durgan

Mark-Ryan

Neil

My Stepdad Jesse

Step-Step Mom Becky  

Will

Devonna

Judd

Jen

Uncle Mike

Aunt Erin

Tiffany

Mark

Robyn (My sister in law who I need to make my way home back just to see my brother, so I can meet her and of course my beautiful Niece Oaklee)

Cara

Lundy (Rest in Peace Buddy)

Joe

Millie

Melissa

Wes

MaryAnna

Glenn

Michelle

Titus

Jaimie

Nathan

Sage

Boji  

Veronica (V.C)

Tony

Kay

Adam F. (You know who you are bro. My ultimate Fantasy Football Rival who plays with me in my CoMo Nights league. Love you brother)

   About to be Lock= People who while I’ am becoming closer with, I hope to develop long term friendships/closer bonds with with going forward and keep it that way. Others, those who I have reconnected With

Laicee

David (Laicee’s husband who I still have yet to meet)

Carly          

Justin

Ryan  

Logan

Kelly

Erin (One of my former Bosses)

Rob

    Need to tighten Up the chain/Repair the Key and lock= People who I still care about and accept and also who I hope don’t hate me now despite my imperfections over the years. Also split between that and those who I haven’t heard from in a while.

Jade

Rod

Tammy

Miranda

Kelsey

Amanda (Missouri Amanda)

Alexis

Aaron

Ivy    

   People who I hope to be able to make things right with if fate calls for it one day

Brittany

Marisa

 Then People I need to do a better job of reconnecting with

Almost my entire family back home.

Sharon (Nicks mom)

   As for the future. Whoever comes into my life, I hope to be able to add you to one of the top two lists. While I will be fair, honest, and do whatever I can to show you how much I care, I’m not going to be kissing ass.

 *Note-The lists are constantly updating. They will be going forward. People can be added to one of these, taken off, or switched up.

To everybody who has made this chapter, especially the top two lists but still every list on this chapter, I just want you to know how much I love you guys. I have a quick message for each group.

 To my Locks= You guys are on the best list of them all. Why? Because over time no matter how long whether it’s my entire life, over the years, or even when the first minute I met you and we hit things off really well where we are accepting of each other and we just know it that we were going to be close for a long time, you all have been accepting of me. You don’t bullshit me. You respect me as a person. You don’t look down on me. There have been many times where Ya’ll could’ve been like fuck you and walked away but you didn’t. You celebrated the good with me. Stuck by me when I was at my worse. You also don’t put everything on me like it’s my fault. Effort is coming from both sides where not all the effort has to be on me. Things may not be perfect. We may have our moments. We fuck up. But we get over it most of the time pretty quickly and work it out. You appreciate me for who I’ am. Despite my bullshit, you look past it. You are there somehow someway when it matters most. You also don’t try to shove shit down my throat Because of that, you are on this list. I want you all to know that I’ am so grateful for your appreciation, acceptance, and support over the years. Anytime as long as nothing serious life wise (work, very dire emergencies, etc.) are happening, anytime you ever need anything. Anytime of any day. Day or night. 24/7/365 a year, even just to vent, my door is always open. Oh, and by the way the lock list is the final list of people who are absolutely allowed to bother me during the season when it’s my time with my guys. I mean anything. Just to say hi, chat, to obviously the important like emergencies or rough nights. If you need help or just need someone to talk too, I’m here. Even if I don’t talk to some of you every single minute of every day, that doesn’t matter. I still love you all very much.

 About to be Locks= Over time especially recently whether up to 6 months to a year and also those who I may have recently reconnected with, you all are about to be locks. Pretty much close. I hope that while I may stand by most of everything else I have said in this book, as I have gotten to known you guys and for those who I have reconnected with, you see that I’m not a bad guy but I also think that you all are pretty amazing people and human beings, I hope you feel comfortable enough to come to me for anything you need. No pressure. I May have my moments, I’m not perfect but for those in the locks and then this one. We may also have our moments of disagreements where questions and irritations will happen but otherwise if you ever need me to be in your corner, I will be there. I hope this and then some proves that I mean everything I say.

 Key and Lock Repairs= I do miss you guys. Some of you may have gotten sick of my shit over the years. Others are busy. That is why I included in case those who I haven’t heard from in a while. That is fine. If somehow, we reunite, I hope you feel safe and comfortable enough to come to me about any issues you may have with me. I’d rather people be straight with me and we can try to work this out. I hope this book may help you understand possibly that despite my imperfections, everything I’ve been saying, I’m not lying about. That everything in this book is the truth I have learned and most importantly how I have been feeling. That you see that at the end of the day, I’m still the same ol friendly loving sky once you get into my inner circle also get to know me and that I’m trying to turn myself around although this hasn’t been easy. If this is indeed the end though whenever the time comes, while I do ask that you please remember that I tried to do the best I can and while I will not take the blame entirely for our issues or any potential one that may be our downfall because I do pay more attention in situations, I do love you guys and I will always cherish the great amazing memories we had. I will always think highly and I hope likewise. Otherwise if it is just an in general I haven’t heard from you in a while because we all are busy, well 4 words. I FUCKING MISS YOU!!!!!

  Who I hope to make things right with one day if fate calls for it because at the end of the day I don’t want problems with anybody? = Marisa and Brittany, you may have already seen my chapters I wrote on you.

Marisa, as a former woman who I once was in love with, I was not easy to deal with despite how fucked up I was. I was stupid back then. I’ am not now. I’ am very happy that you found someone who loves you for you and who doesn’t fuck with you. Congrats again to you and Joel. Even though we may not talk much anymore, if anytime at all you ever need anything and you decide to come to me, I will be there. No intentions but to just be there. I still love you as a spiritual sister. As a sister in Christ even though we have different views on it and live different lives. You are more successful and more settled in and down, I still have work to do (We all have work to do but you get my point) to get better. You are a Wonderful person Marisa. Don’t ever change.

 Brittany as for you, although I’d be lying if I said maybe I didn’t have a little crush on you but the non-douchebag way but it was more because you have such a sweet personality and heart of gold even if you still hate my guts, you became someone who I considered more of family and someone who I’m comfortable talking with and likewise. Even if it was for a short time, I was blessed and I will always cherish the great times and conversations we had, especially when we had that moment of being able to come to each other about anything. Definitely when you moved to Houston. Look I know I have said we both fucked up. You fucked up first but you have already apologized in 2016 even though it was more of a good bye because yes, I was losing it due to serious shit in other areas and yes, I was overwhelming. You have nothing to apologize for anymore. I hope that message in the Private Video showed you how much I meant everything I said. In case you haven’t seen it well then, I put the message I wrote in the chapter that I wrote regarding on our situation but no matter what, I said it already but im gonna say it again one more time, I’ am very thankful for the good times we had. No matter what type, they are happy memories. Despite everything that happened, I forgive you. I forgave you a while back. All I ask is that you understand that now because of everything else that has happened in other areas, it made me think and took a long look at myself, and anytime chaos happened in other areas over the last year and a half especially those that happened so far, this year (2017 is not ruined…...yet. Hopefully it doesn’t get ruined) I did think about our situation. Only this time I felt because of the way I acted as well, that it was karma coming to haunt me in retaliation. I Still stand by some of what I felt but otherwise I should’ve handled this differently. Just so you know that no matter what, you are 100 percent absolutely not a curse to my guys and Longhorn nation and as one final act of kindness and absolutely no pressure to support them, that is up to you. But as of tonight May 31st, 2017, as a hardcore member of Longhorn Nation who has established a great reputation within Longhorn Nation, I’ am officially placing the Curse on myself (I will never stop supporting them) but I’ am permanently placing the Curse to my guys on myself because it was absolutely wrong for me to call you a curse to my guys. It was inappropriate absolutely inappropriate and over the top to call you a curse to my guys especially on social media. No matter what distain you feel towards me, how annoyed you may get with me etc. That isn’t going to stop me from waking the fuck up and try to own up to my mistakes so I will say no matter what, get used to it sister haha. I Wish you nothing but the best and you do deserve nothing but the best. Don’t ever change.

  Then the people who I need to do a better job at keeping better with: I hope you know that I have not forgotten about you. I love you all so much. I have not been in a good place, but I will do whatever it takes to show you that I have not forgotten about you. Please know that you can call me anytime. I miss you all. If I ‘am busy and I don’t pick up, I will get back to you ASAP. For those who have cell phones, texting is better because I can reply back faster.

            My life today (Leading to The End)

                        Chapter Song: Chris Brown- Sing Like Me

                         Chapter Song: Bring Me The Horizon- Drown

 Right now, I’ am at a place in my life where yes I’ am discovering that I’m having more questions than I have answers. I mean months ago betrayed and stabbed in the back by two people who I once considered brothers. I wasn’t happy at my job/place of volunteering (Which Is why I’ am so fucking done with it. Next time I do something like that, I want to make greens because that will be appreciation enough why? Because I do like money) for a long time, I was ready to leave. This was not the way I wanted to go out. However, maybe the signs were there for me and telling me that I should’ve left sooner. I wish I had but I was afraid. So, while I still stand by what I have said in the Betrayal Chapter, some of this is on me. Not because I have done seriously wrong. Even when I did, I would quickly try to make things right the right way because that Is just who I’ am. Some of it was on me because I should’ve left when I had the chance. Right now, as well, I’ am trying to get myself back. It will never ever be the feeling good yeah yeah yeah yeah yeah hyper chipper every minute of every day me. That’s not who I’ am. Not that people are wrong about that. I’m not saying people who are like that are dumb or stupid. However, I call that most of the time ignoring the truth and to me that’s basically kissing life’s ass especially when life shits on you. That is why I don’t agree with this good vibes or positive vibes only stuff. As well as people who use it against you especially when you do stuff for them. It’s called unconditional love and support through thick and thin people. Right now, I’ am trying to get myself back as well because yes while I probably will always have a lot of distrust for this society and world, I’ am trying to show that I’ am not a bad guy. Because I’m not. Seriously I probably already said this a lot but I’m going to say it for the last time, if anybody thinks I like waking up and thinking negative on purpose then you are wrong. DAMN WRONG!!! There is a difference between those who like it for example like an Emo who wakes up and is all like whatever dude. God sucks, or I can’t wait for Cthulhu to come and suck us all up and to slaughter all the wannabes. And then those who do try to wake up and think the best of everyday but starts to lose trust in society after more tough times than pleasant happen. That is where I’m at. So, anybody out there past, present, future, anybody who dares to say stupid shit like I’m negative 100 percent of the time, just stop because you don’t know my story. You don’t know what I’ve been through to get to where I’ am today. You don’t know who I’ am. I’m going to tell you again just who I’ am, I’ am very mouthy. I Do have a temper, a temper that I desperately have been working hard to get under control, it won’t go away, nothing ever goes away completely but I’m doing everything in my power to work on it. Every day. I’ll tell you what I’ am though and pay attention folks, I’m not negative. I’ am pissed off. Pissed off in so many ways imaginable. Which is a big reason of a few why I’ am writing a book. I have held things in for so long. I’m done holding it in. I’m done running. I’ am done bowing to this fucked up society, I’ am done putting my heart out there for people who take a shit on it, most importantly I’ am done being the runt and everyone’s bitch along with being the odd man out especially the third wheel. But the number 1 thing that I’ am and will always remain true, is once you get to know me, I’m actually a very fair guy and as long as you are accepting of me and my situation, also that when it matters most, I will be your biggest ally even and yes I will be in your corner when it matters most. A lot of people should know this by now and I do try to do the best I can to be there for others. That being said, I do mean what I say when I’m not going to just work on me and then let others get away with their hypocrisy and bullshit. That won’t fly by me anymore. I’ve let that fly for so long and Its unacceptable. I won’t accept it anymore. Yes no one is perfect. I understand that. That’s not the point. What the point is, it’s that as I have grown older, I do see clearer. While I may not know what a lot of people especially those in my family know, it’s vice versa, they don’t know some if not a lot of what I know. I mean it, I’m done working on myself only for it to get to the point where no one else takes accountability for their actions and instead put it all on me. You may think I’m blind but I’m actually not. While I’ am left with more questions than answers and while yes, my confidence was shaken to the core after the betrayal of the century, I actually am glad it happened because it officially woke me up to even more truths. While I’ am always going to have questions and I will have moments where I don’t want to do this anymore to the point where I want to just get up, disappear, and be left alone, I don’t care where I have to go, I’m glad I don’t have anything that makes me what to beat myself psychically or worse and that’s end my life. That comes if anything ever happens to my dad. In case anybody hasn’t seen it already in the chapter about my stepmom, when I first came here, I did try to kill myself. Strangle myself with my belt. I used to beat myself with my belt even because for the longest of times, I did not want to live anymore. Especially because I found myself always having to fight for her acceptance because nothing in her eyes was good enough. It’s why for the most part, she always found something to get on my ass about. I even remember her one time saying, you do your chores and we will be good. It’s like I was living with the wicked stepmother aka witch of the Midwest. It’s no way to live. Also like I said in that same chapter, I don’t know how to be a mom figure? Ummmm it’s called recognizing the situation, my situation, also while you can be tough, also be fair. Be loving. Be appreciative. My point being Is as long as nothing happens to my father, I have a reason to want to wake up every day. Also, I’m glad that these last two years have happened because it really has brought me up in so many ways possible as far as learning more of who I’ am and developing my character and a toughness to be able to take a stand. I Want to and will continue to work on myself but if you think that I’m going to let it all be on me, you are mistaken. At this point though, I’d much rather people come out with something than hide it, say that everything is fine when it reality it’s not. Trust me, I won’t be afraid to come out and say it. I’ am about to enter a very critical phase of my life right now. I’ am scared. I’m more scared than I have ever been in my life. But also, I can see clearer. Why? Because my time is coming?

What do I mean by that?

I mean that no matter what, going forward.

This is going my time

This Is going My Fight

This Is going My Night.

It won’t be easy. It never will be. It won’t get easier, but it is not impossible.

Also, slowly but surely, changes for the better are happening. Does that mean that again your demons etc. are going to go away? Oh hell no. They won’t. May never will but you can get them under control. Camille is a perfect example. Finally, I have a woman figure in my life who isn’t fucked up on drugs or doesn’t have an anger problem towards my father but instead takes it out on me. Who accepts me and loves me for me. Also, doesn’t try to shove the whole positivity lecture down my throat. So yes, anybody who wants to doubt me yet again, please come on. Try me.

                                           The Origin behind my Title

                  ------------------------------------------------------------------------

Alright for this one, I’m going to answer the one question everybody has. Before I do that, I will not change my title for anything. Not for a publisher, not for people, nothing. My title is awesome. The origin behind it came from my Ongoing support for my Texas Longhorns and our basketball squad. I got it from the saying that I started to develop and get established within our squad slowly but surely.

This is our time

This is our fight

All Together

This will be our night

 Alright so you see, when I was coming up with the title, at first it could’ve been something stupid like the rise and fall and rise again of Sky S or more commonly with me the Rise and fall of Zane Phoenix or the Phoenix Knight. That’s just stupid. At first that is what I would have done but after a while, one day it just came to me and it made sense so I used our squad saying and by the way once again to any team that tries to steal our saying, I will unleash hell on you. That is property of mine and that is official property for our squad. If you are a Longhorn or a member of Longhorn Nation then alright that is fine. That is for our squads and for Longhorn Nation only. Now the origin comes from this.

This is my time: Meaning This THIS RIGHT HERE will be MY not yours IT’S MY TIME. If you have put yourself aside for so long or have been the laughing stalk or hated on your entire life, well that time to bow down to them etc. is over. This is my Time to shine and I’m not afraid to fight anybody who makes me feel otherwise. Or takes that away from me

 This is my Fight. I don’t need anybody else’s approval. I know my story. I know my trials. I know my memories but most importantly I know my journey. Maybe those such as your family or people who you grew up with also know and you know theirs but otherwise for those who think they know, they don’t. If they don’t think you know, you know more than they think or let on to believe.

 This is my Night. When you reach the point of enough is enough, take back what you have lost. I have lost my pride, my self-esteem, dignity, confidence and belief in myself over the years, now I’m taking it back. Now it’s not your night anymore. This is my night. My night for glory.

 The overall point, never be afraid to stand up and fight. Sometimes letting shit go is just not the option. People who use that against you or the positive vibes only bullshit, fuck them. If they screw you over, you stand up and you say NO!!!!! YOU FIGHT FOR WHAT YOU BELIEVE IN. You fight for yourself first. Others second. Message for most religion people, I’m sorry but here’s the truth and some advice for you.

Sometimes the God first, Others second, and yourself third just doesn’t always work. It either needs to be the following

1.    God First. Yourself second and third. Others fourth don’t matter if you are close with them or not.

2.    Yourself first and second. God third and then EVERYBODY ELSE!!!

To anybody in general, if you are ever backed into a corner, it is ok to say fuck everything and you do what it takes to get out of that corner especially if it’s a mental corner. People who may be pissed? They can either get the hell over it or just let them leave and let them grow the fuck up. Why because you don’t need people who are just going to hold you back? Especially if they turn into giant hypocrites. Why? Because

This is your time

This is your fight

This is your Night

 Just like it is with me.

This is my time

This is my fight.

This is my night.

  No matter what it takes, you fight for your right to live in the light. If there has been darkness around you your entire life, you do whatever it takes to fight for the light. Fuck everything and fuck the doubters.

                        Closing part 1 and 2 (My Biggest test lies ahead)

                           Chapter Song: Drake Ft Rihanna- Take Care

                                                    Post Malone-Go Flex

 As I sit here on November 12th of 2017 at 7:13pm on a Sunday Night, my biggest test awaits. Over the last few months, I have realized that enough is enough. Let me just say that I now know that everybody in this world is not bad. Nobody really knows the whole story to one another. It’s just the plain and simple truth. Right now, before I put a wrap on this one, there is one more thing that I need to say. Right now, since all of this, my biggest test is ahead of me. Several Months ago, after the betrayal, the process of trying to fight my dark side has begun. One night, my old man and I were talking. This was during the post betrayal about a month later. I’m not sure how but I remember my father and I had a very serious conversation. I don’t remember how it happened, but I do know when it did, and it was when he decided that I need a life coach. At first, I was like what the fuck?!?!?!? Especially because it would cost my father 100 Bucks a session and yes while I had money, I didn’t have like MONEY me personally and because I thought my Medicaid would cover it, I just I felt bad. I remember one thing that he told me. Well couple of things. One there were a lot of people upper class wise who worked hard to get where they were at. He was right, but the second part is what really struck me. Because of my dislike for party people and hipsters well stuck up ones which made me hate them all, he told me how when him and my mom had me both at very young ages, he used to be judged himself for the way he dressed. It struck me because it also made me feel like I was judging him. The point was not all people are bad. Although my father can really, and I mean really piss me off and sometimes I wish he would listen to me more and what I say would matter as well, especially when I’m more complimenting and I recognize greatness and I’m very good at showing appreciation especially to him, I know he’s not a bad guy. He also has moments that just make me love him a lot. Which is why, he’s one person that I’ve always had love for even if he makes it hard. Especially during the times that I think about the day I was born and how he stayed with me every night at the hospital when I was having my breathing problem which is why I hate having issues with him not only because I love him no matter what but also because it just is fucking frustrating sometimes having any sort of serious conversation with him. Because I’m going to say this one more time, in anything and I mean anything and everything, I’m not always right but damn it I’m not always wrong. That is a Fact. My point being is because of that, it made me realize that what if I was alive where I’m at now back then, and I was what I was several months ago, I would be judging a good man who is doing a lot of good. Ever since that conversation, I have embraced my biggest test yet and the rest of it still lies ahead. It’s not going to be easy. There will be moments that will test me. Moments where it does feel like my darkside is about to take over but thanks to the advisement of my Life Coach Jaclyn, I will get to where I want to be. Like she told me tonight (Writing this part on November 17th, 2017) she’s right when she sees that I’ am starting to get control. I need to continue said path because I do believe it and you know what, although I’m still going to be tested going forward, I have never been more proud of myself than I’ am right now whether anybody likes it or not. Which is what these next few months and next few months’ worth of sessions with my life coach are going to be. For me to recover mentally so that I can get back out there  without the past haunting me and move forward and really start my life over  which is at first what everybody and I mean everybody wanted for me and wanted me to want so guess what, I now want it but in order for it to work, I need for people to stop being hypocrites and throwing past shit in my face especially when once again I’m trying to prove how much I care. That is where I’ am at today in my life.

 Shoutout real quick to Andria and Chris for being two of the truest friends and two of many truest people in my life.

     Well ladies and gentlemen, that is the end of this story. It’s been a long process to get to where I’m at. I really do appreciate the honor of being able to take you through my journey throughout this book of my life so far. What I will say is while it has not been easy to get to where I’m at, while I still have a long way to go, I have never been prouder of myself than I’ am right now. No matter what happens, I won’t give up. It won’t be easy. It will push me to my limits. There will be times where I do just want to run away and be left alone. However, somehow someway the universe always helps me find a way to keep on fighting. I don’t know how. I Don’t know why but it just does. What I do know is that no matter what, there is always a place for us in this society. We all deserve the right to live and to have happiness. People don’t understand though that sometimes we have obstacles that do make it harder for us to find peace and happiness. It’s true. Believe me. Anybody who gives you the good vibes or positive vibes only bullshit, ignore them especially if they have come to you for the same shit that you then try to go to them for. In reality unless they prove you wrong, they don’t get it. They really don’t know you like they say they do. No matter what though, and this is for anybody whether they have challenges that they have been struggling with their entire lives or anybody who is just struggling in general, just know you are not alone. The number 1 rule and piece of advice that I have been giving you is no matter what, do not and I repeat do not be afraid to STAND UP!!! Stand up for your rights, stand up for what you believe in, stand up for your heart, stand up for your own peace of mind, stand up for your soul, stand up for everything about YOU First!!!! You are you. You are you for a reason. You are here for a reason. People are good. People are evil. People are funny. People are cruel. People are true. People are phonies. People are going to bring you up and people are going to bring you down. No matter what, you stand your ground. You remember who you are first. At the end of the day, that is what matters. There is a time and place to put that aside but most instances it is very rarely but otherwise if you don’t feel that something is right, either someone is not acting right towards you or something in general just does not feel right, you have every right to stand your ground. Other instances that you don’t feel like dealing with then yes walking away and letting it go just to keep your sanity together is also good but otherwise you stand your ground. Against anything, I don’t care what it is because at the end of the day only you matter. Anybody who tries to make you feel otherwise? The one magical thing you say and you have every right to do this is this….

‘’Fuck you. I do matter. If you are going to make me feel like crap then I’m going to walk out and this is over.’’

Sometimes people just need to do that more often. That is not important. What is important is that you know your worth. You know who you are. You never forget who you are. You never forget what made you the person you are today. You never forget where you came from to get to where you are at. Never give up the fight to make things right but only for one thing…………For you. Why?

This is your time

This is Your Fight

Don’t ever give up

This is going to be your night.

 I love you all. We live in a really messed up world. Because of it, never forget these things. Never forget to speak your mind. Never Forget to stick with your guns. Never bow down to anybody to makes you feel lesser than you. There are more but the number one thing to always never forget and to always remember is that never forget about yourself and to take care of yourself first. Only you matter first. Only what you say matters…. for the most part but it is still true. You speak your mind when you feel like it. You stand up for yourself when something isn’t right or someone isn’t being right to you. You feel what you want to feel whenever you feel like it. You do what you want to do and what you need to do to make you happy. Why? Because you matter. YOU not them YOU yes YOU MATTER!!!!! Why else? Because

This is your time

This is Your Fight

This is going to be your night.

If anybody stands in your way to prevent you from it, you force them out of your way and you take what is rightfully yours. I try to do that every day. I Do have work I need to do on myself on some things but otherwise I will always fight for myself first. Why?

THIS IS MY TIME

THIS IS MY FUCKING FIGHT

NO MATTER WHAT ANYBODY SAYS OR WHAT STANDS IN MY WAY,

THIS IS GOING TO BE MY NIGHT!!!

That is it Ya’ll. Until Next time, whenever it is, this is Sky Aka the Phoenix Knight aka Zane Theodore Phoenix aka Javier Sanchez Quinn aka The Fantasy Football God aka the Captain of Longhorn Nation and DFW Nation signing off. Peace, Love, Happiness. Good night 😊

                                                    TO BE CONTINUED?

   Get to Know the Author Questionnaire

 1. Overall

Name: Sky Benjamin Savittiere aka Zane Theodore Phoenix aka The Phoenix Knight aka Javier Sanchez Quinn aka The Fantasy Football and Fantasy Basketball god aka the Captain of Longhorn Nation aka the soon to be King especially of Austin and DFW Nation

Birth date: July 1st, 1993

Hometown: Branson, MO then adopted Dallas-Fort Worth, Texas and Miami, Florida as "my home homes" even though I currently live in Austin

Favorite place when you were a kid: Chuck E Cheeses

Favorite activity when you were a kid: Playing Nintendo 64. Also making chocolate chip cookies with my Grandma Sandra

Favorite food to eat when you were a kid: Embarrassing to say but McDonalds in its prime.

Have you ever been to another country? Yes. Canada. Moved there with my mom and stepdad when i was about 7 or 8. Lived there for two years.

Hero growing up?: Has and always will be my father. Was then and still is now although I wish he would just listen to me a little more because I’m not stupid. Also my stepdad Jesse. My mom now is definitely in there as well

Favorite TV Show growing up: Anything and everything on Cartoon Network.

Favorite Video Game growing up: Super Mario 64 is what most people would say but Zelda Majoras Mask was mine.

Favorite Movie Growing up?: It actually still is one of my all-time favorites. Happy Gilmore

Funniest thing you did to get hurt?: One day I was riding my bike when I was about 11. Yes I had training wheels because I was a pussy when it came to bikes. Still kind of am to this day but I was riding it on a downhill road without having control on purpose hahahah. I accidently lose control, I go towards a little hill next to a stop sign. I launch off my bike with my helmet of course, I go face burst into the stop sign and then I nailed my balls on the pole

Worst injury you've ever experienced?: Injuring my lower back......Twice

Best friend growing up?: I had childhood friends but my little sister was the top one. Still is today. But Non Family Members, that goes to Jonas

  2. More favorites

Favorite food now?: Anything involving hot sauce and chicken. Put that shit in front of me and i will annihilate it.

Favorite Actor: Hmmmmm it’s a tie actually. It’s between Vince Vaughn and Leonardo DiCaprio.

Favorite Actress: Three-way tie. Its Gal Gadot, Maggie Siff, and Isla Fisher

Favorite TV Show Actor: Clark Gregg

Favorite TV Show Actress: Elizabeth Henstridge and Adrianne Paliciki  Hands down

Favorite Comedian(s): Bill Burr. Joe Rogan. Daniel Tosh. Dane Cook. Stephen Colbert. Bill Maher. Dave Chappelle as well.

All time number 1 favorite Movie: Silver Linings Playbook

Name your other 9 of your top 10: Logan. Any of the Pirates of the Caribbean movies. Any of the Dark Knight Movies. Wedding Crashers. Clerks 2. Any of the Jackass Movies. Happy Gilmore. Suicide Squad. The departed.

Favorite Alcoholic Drink: Margarita when happy. Whatever the fuck i can get shitfaced on when I’m really angry.

Other top 4 drinks: 1. Water. 2. Any of Starbucks drinks. 3. Orange Juice. 4. Beer

Favorite Sports team: Come on you know better. It’s not just my favorite sports team or another one. It is something that is a part of me.... Texas Longhorns duhhhhhhh!! Also New Orleans Saints and my DFW Teams as well along with anything Miami

Favorite Musician: So much but right now I’ve been on a Norah Jones kind of session when it comes to music.

Favorite Female UFC Fighter Male: Connor McGregor

Female?: Miesha Tate

Favorite overall Team out of all of them: It’s not Rocket Science. Texas Longhorns of course. Both Hoops and football

Favorite Current NFL Player: Ezekiel Elliot

Favorite Current NBA Player: James Harden

Favorite Current MLB Player: Kris Bryant

Favorite MLB Team(s): Three. Rangers. Marlins. Royals

Favorite NBA Team(s): Mavericks in the west. Heat in the east

Favorite College Sport Conference: Big 12 baby.

Favorite NCAA Football Coach(s): Tom Herman. Charlie Strong.

Favorite NCAA Basketball Coach(s): Shaka Smart obviously number 1. Then Scott Drew. Avery Johnson. Jamie Dixon. Rick Barnes. Archie Miller. John Calipari. Cuonzo Martin. Brad Underwood. Matt Painter. Will Wade. Gregg Marshall. Tubby Smith. Tom Izzo. Give or take any order after Rick Barnes.

Favorite NFL Coach(s): Jason Garrett. Sean Payton. Adam Gase. Andy Reid

Favorite NBA Coach(s): Rick Carlisle. Gregg Popovich. Erik Spolestra. Jason Kidd. Fred Hoiberg. Brad Stevens. Mike D'antoni. Ty Leu.

Favorite MLB Managers(s): Jeff Bannister and Joe Maddon

Favorite CBS Analysts: Gary Parrish and Matt Norlander

Favorite ESPN Analyst(s): Overall it is Stephen A Smith. But Jay Bilas and Seth Greenberg.

Favorite FOX Analyst(s): Doug Gottlieb. Chris Broussard. Colin Cowherd. Katie Nolan. Skip Bayless. Kristine Leahy.

NFL Analyst(s): Adam Schefter. Mort. And Jane Slater

NBA Analyst(s): Woj

MLB Analyst(s): Buster Olney. Duh

NHL Analysts: Don’t pay much attention to Hockey so all.

College Football Analyst(s): Kirk Herbstreit

College Basketball Analyst(s): Obviously Gary Parrish. Matt Norlander. Sam Vecenie. Jay Bilas. Seth Greenberg. Then the only other one would have to be Dick Vitale

Name your top 10 sports analysts in order: Gary Parrish. Matt Norlander. Sam Vecenie. Adam Schefter. Woj. Doug Gottlieb. Stephen A. Smith. Colin Cowherd. Jay Bilas. Seth Greenberg

Last thing you listened too? A Very hilarious interview with Steve-O on Joe Rogan’s podcast.

Favorite comedy podcast(s): Easy. Joe Rogan experience. Bill Burr Monday Rants. And Wheeler Walker JR podcast.

Favorite College Basketball Podcast(s): Easy. Eye on College Basketball. Game Theory with Sam Vecenie

Favorite MLB Podcast: Baseball Tonight with Buster Olney.

Favorite NBA Podcast: Ooooo tough one. I'll say ummmm The Vertical podcast with Woj. Also, the Bill Simmons Podcast

Favorite NFL Podcast(s): Around The NFL. Know them From Adam

Favorite College Football Podcast(s): Championship Drive. The Audible.

Favorite Sports Debate Show: First Take. Stephen A and Max Kellerman are fucking hilarious. Although I really wish they would stop debating the same shit. Mix in some college football or hoops would ya? Otherwise I still love the show.

Favorite Politic talk show: Real Time With Bill Maher.

News Station?: CNN. Only because of Wolf Blitzer, Anderson Cooper, Jake Tapper, and Erin Burnett. Plus CNN is both. Liberal mixed in with some conservative.

Favorite Fast Food place(s) now: Canes Chicken. Thunder Cloud. Whataburger. PTerrys.

Favorite Restaurant(s): Buffalo Wild Wings and Chilis of course but here in Austin, Thai Passion, and my number 1 Hula Huts on Lake Travis.

Favorite Desert (s)?:FRO Yo. Brownies. Chocolate Chip Cookies. Red Velvet Anything.

Favorite Sweet Drink?: My People at my Starbucks will tell ya hahah. Red Velvet Frap and Smores frap. Is it healthy? No but hey I do it mostly at the end of Every week. I deserve something sweet hahahah

Favorite Golfer?: Jordan Spieth

Favorite show on TV you absolutely cannot miss?: Ray Donovan

Favorite Chef: Gordon Ramsay.

Favorite Cuss word: Motherfucker. Damn It. Jackass. Bitch. Fuck. Dumbass. Ass.

 3. Do you Love them? Just Sex? Or Both

Elizabeth Henstridge: Hands down both,

Kate Upton: Sex

Chloe Bennett: Both

Hope Solo: Sex

Alex Morgan: Both

Miesha Tate: Both

Holly Holm: Sex

Carli Lloyd: Both

Sara Bareilles: Love

Alexa Bliss: Sex

Becky Lynch: Sex

Charlotte: Sex

Chanel West Coast: Sex

Rachel McAdams: Love

Amy Adams: Both

Deborah Ann Wolf: Love

Ronda Rousey: Sex

Carly Rae Jepsen: Both

Rosario Dawson: Love

Kelsey Lang: Love

Nikki Bella: If she wasn’t with John Cena and Trying to settle down, sex for sure but I’ll say both.

Eva Marie: Sex

Joy Taylor: Sex

Molly Qerim: Both

Jennifer Garner: Love Love Love. For a woman her age, she’s still beautiful. Love

Nikki Minaj: Tough one. I’ll say sex

Alexa Bliss: Sex

Kate Mara: She was naughty in House of Cards. Sex for sure.

Jennifer Carpenter: L O V E. I’ll let her decide the rest.

Colbie Smulders: Both

Cobie Caillat: Love. Like Jennifer Carpenter, I’ll let her decide the rest

Olivia Munn: She’s one of the most beautiful women in the world today. I’ll be nice though. Love

Emmy Rossum: Eh love. If I was on Shameless though with her, just sex. Oh naughty naughty Fiona Gallagher

Mary Louise Parker: The fact that playing Nancy Botwin on weeds, we got to see her take it hardcore a lot, that is a major turn on. Sex

Katie Holmes: She was fucking gorgeous and perfect as Paige Finney on season 3 of Ray Donovan. Both

Maggie Siff: Sons of Anarchy Tara Look, love. Billions, 100 percent sex.

Tina Fey: Love

Emma Stone: sex

Amy Schumer: As a chunky chick and from all the naughty naughty I have heard, she’s loves sex. Ill rock her world.

Emily Proctor: Both

Norah Jones: Her voice, her beauty and personality would be good enough. Sex wouldn’t even matter.

Olivia Davidson: Sex

Jennifer Lawrence: Both

Erin Andrews: Sex damn it

Cassadee Pope: Both

Danielle Bradbery: Both

Yvonne Strahovski: Both

Tomi Lahren: If she ever pissed me off with her political views, I would rock her world. Very angry sex. But she otherwise seems like a lady. I’ll say both. Again I don’t agree with a lot of her conservative Views.

Erin Burnett: Both

Kim Kardashian: Oh hell no. Pass

Khloe Kardashian: She looks a whole lot better now. Both

Isla Fisher: BOTH

Kristine Leahy: Both

Adrianne Palicki: Both

 Audrey-Ann Caron-Goudreau: I would sell all my shit to buy her a nice ring. I would wife her up in 30 seconds if so. If I won a billion dollars, I would ask her to run away with me and we would have very beautiful kids named Zane, Javier, Miles, Audrey II, and Jade. We would be living in Miami and we would look damn good every night we go out. Me in suits, her in very BEAUTIFUL DRESSES!!! #WifeItUP

Alex Willett: LOVE LOVE LOVE!!!! Forget Sex. That won’t even matter to me. After watching Big Brother: Over the Top…...she seems like a cool chick. That’s actually what I’m hoping my future Girlfriend is like one day. It’s why I invented the Alex Willett Factor (Sorry Alex hope that doesn’t sound weird). Here is what I mean by the Alex Willett Factor.

 My future GF/Wife maybe: The Perfect Qualities aka The Alex Willett Factor

-Loves Gaming.

-Loves Sports

-Doesn’t Thrive on going out EVERY SINGLE NIGHT

  4. This or That? Or Both

------------------------------

Whataburger or Canes?: Both usually but Canes first

WWE or UFC?: Both

Texas Football or Texas Basketball?: Both but if I was in a situation where i had to choose one i could not live without? Texas Hoops always comes first

Thundercloud or Any other Sandwich Place?: Thundercloud. WhichWich is a close second and then everything else.

Fro-Yo or Ice Cream?: Fro-Yo

Golds Gym or YMCA?: Golds. Might be getting back to working out soon. Need to.

DFW Airport or MIA Airport?: Both

Area?:Both

Nickelodeon or Cartoon Network?: Cartoon Network

Starbucks or any other Coffee establishment?: Starbucks.

Country living or Beach living: Beach. Being able to walk on the Beach at Night. Come on now.

UT Clock Tower/Campus or Town Lake? Both

Sara Bareilles or Norah Jones: Both. I would do anything to hear them make a collaboration album. Also to have dinner with them.

Spaghetti or Pasta: Spaghetti

Ass/Pussy or Tits: Tits first. You can suck on them to set the mood when you are in the mood with a Gal.

Day time or Night Time?: Night

Sunrise or Sunset?: Sunset

Taco Cabana or Chipotles?: Taco Cabana

If there was a third fight between Connor McGregor and Nate Diaz, who would win? McGregor or Diaz?: McGregor hands down. The baddest motherfucker on the planet. He will also Beat that Pussy Mayweather. Just you watch.

Favorite thing to take off a woman when it comes to sex? Pants/Panties or Shirt/Bra?: Shirt and Bra. Again I’m a tit guy.

Marvel or DC?: DC. More Rated R and Dark. I like Marvel but they're owned by Disney now.

Batman or Superman?:Batman

X-Men or Justice League?: Justice League

Bane or Joker?: Bane

Simpsons or Family Guy?: Used to be Simpsons. Family Guy now but I still like Simpsons

Chicken or Red Meat?: Chicken

Margarita/Beer or Any other alcoholic Drink: Margarita and a Beer. Laid Back

Favorite Austin Bar. Handlebar or any other bar: Handlebar. Rooftop bar overlooking 6th street. Come on now.

Night time. Going out or staying in: Mostly staying in. I’ll go out on occasion.

Weed or everything else such as Crack. Coke. Etc.: Weed. I have never done the other bad stuff. I never intend to do the other bad stuff.

Netflix or Hulu: Both have great shit but Netflix.

Would you rather meet Justin Timberlake or Justin Bieber?: Justin Timberlake hands down. He’s a nice guy. Justin Bieber is a fucking shithead.

Jackass or Ridiculousness: Like em Both but Jackass first.

Man of steel trilogy or Dark Knight Trilogy: Dark Knight hands down

Bam Margera or Tony Hawk: Bam first but i do like both.

PS4 or Xbox 1: PS4

Apple Music or Spotify: Apple Music

iPhone or Galaxy: I-Phone. Galaxy Battery is a piece of shit.

Very Cold or Very Hot: Neither.

Rain or Sunny: Rain.

Breaking Bad or Better Call Saul?: Both

Star Wars or Star Trek?: Star Wars.

Outer Space or Underwater?: Underwater hands down. Outer space creeps me out.

ESPN. Fox or CBS?: CBS for college hoops. But otherwise all 3.

Drake or Lil Wayne: Drake

Kendrick Lamar or Kid cudi: Kendrick. All hail the king

Action Bronson or Chance the Rapper: Action Bronson

Danny Brown or ASAP Mob mostly Ferg and Rocky: Danny Brown.

Luke Bryan or Eric Church: Luke Bryan

Jason Aldean or Blake Sheldon: Jason Aldean.

Florida Georgia Line or Kenny Chesney?: Kenny Chesney. Florida Georgia Line Sucks Balls.

Public Enemy or D-12: Public Enemy.

Eminem or Ice Cube: Eminem.

Target or Walmart: Target

GameStop or Best Buy?: Both.

Bacon or Sausage?: Sausage

Orange Juice or Apple Juice?: Orange Juice. Orange Juice is to me what Skittles are to Marshawn ‘’Beast Mode’’ Lynch

Kansas City or St Louis: Kansas City. St Louis is a shithole

Pierce Bronson or Daniel Craig for best Bond?: Daniel Craig by a landslide

S.H.I.E.L.D or H.Y.D.R.A: Hail HYDRA (Marvel reference for those who don’t get it)

Crawfish or Shrimp: Crawfish

Older girls in their 30s or 40s or Younger women 18-29: Older girls ages 30-40

Cake or Pie: Cake mostly. The only pie i like is pumpkin

Handjobs or Blowjobs: Who wouldn’t want a good cocksucking. Blowjobs bro blowjobs.

Deerfield Beach/Miami Beach or any other beach or Ocean: Miami Beach and Deerfield Beach hands down

Texas Longhorns or Oklahoma Sooners: Fuck OU. LONGHORN TILL I DIE

Boston or New York?: Boston

Jedi or Sith: Both

Jim Gordon or Nick Fury: Jim Gordon

Sunday Night Football or Monday Night Football: Both. Cris Collinsworth and Al Michaels are amazing on SNF. Jon Gruden makes MNF

Favorite Danny McBride Comedy? Eastbound and Down or Vice Principals?: Both but because Vice Principals has Walton Goggins as Lee Russell who hands down makes Vice Principals, Vice Principals.

HBO or Showtime?: Both

Ash vs Evil Dead or Dexter?: Ash vs Evil Dead. I like Dexter but season 8 ruined it for me.

24 hero Jack Bauer or Eric Carter?: There will never be another Jack Bauer. So hands down Jack Bauer

Bruce Campbell or Michael C Hall?: Bruceeeeeeee

ACDC or Guns and Roses: ACDC. Cause they're TNT. They're dynamite. TNT and they win the fight

Would you rather be Blind or Deaf: Deaf. Everything is quiet for the most part.

Donkey Kong or King Kong: Donkey Kong.

Crash into a deserted mountain or a deserted Island: Deserted Island

Buried or Cremated: Cremated

Christmas or Thanksgiving: Both, they are family holidays

New Orleans or Memphis: New Orleans

LA Or New York: LA

Thai Food or Chinese Food: Thai

BBQ or Tacos?: Tacos

Coke or Pepsi?: Coke

Lonestar or Shiner?: Shiner

If you ever wanted to try something new, out of these two would it be Moonshine or Meth?: Moonshine Motherfucker

Gears of War or Halo?: Gears of War

AT&T or Verizon?: AT&T

Guardians of the Galaxy or Avengers?: Guardians of the Galaxy

Pirates of the Caribbean or Fast and Furious?: Pirates of the Caribbean

The Wire or Sopranos?: Sopranos

Godfather or Scarface?: Both

Guitar or Banjo?: Banjo

Zombieland or Scouts guide to Survival?: Zombieland

Jimmy Kimmel or Jimmy Fallon?: Jimmy Fallon, Kimmel is a good guy but he annoys me.

Jon Stewart or Stephen Colbert?: Colbert 100 percent

Jamie Foxx or Kanye West?: Jamie Foxx. Kanye is a douche.

Conan O Brian or James Corbin?: Conan

Boxing or MMA?: MMA

Airplanes or Trains?: Planes.

In-N-Out or PTerrys?: P Terrys

Subway or WhichWich?: WhichWich although it gives me the shits.

San Marcos or Waco?:San Marcos

Southpark Meadows or Barton Creek Mall?: Southpark Meadows

Indoor or Outdoor Malls?: Outdoor in Florida. Indoor everywhere else.

Kelso/Hyde (That 70s Show) or Rooster/Colt (The Ranch)? Best Danny Masterson and Ashton Kutcher show: Both.

Heavy Metal or Stoner Metal: Stoner

Sirius XM or Pandora: Sirius XM

British or Australian Accent: British

Regarding Agents of Shield, who would you want to return again as a regular? Lincoln or Ward: Lincoln

Ghost Rider or The Punisher: Ghost Rider thanks to Gabriel Lunas phenomenal performance this past season on Agents of Shield.

The Hobbit or Lord of the Rings: The Lord Of The Rings

So You Think you can Dance or Dancing with the Stars: So you think you can Dance

American Idol or The Voice?: The Voice

Carson Daly or Ryan Secreast?: Carson Daly

Finally, Favorite Gordon Ramsay Competition? Master Chef or Hell's Kitchen:Hell’s Kitchen forever and always.

  5. One thing

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Donald Trump: Confusing

Boogers: Disgusting

Texas: Home

Saturday Night Live: Hilarious

Wings: Delicious

Hipsters: Pending on the type of person, amazing in their own way.

Texas Longhorns: 1#

Tits: Wooooooooooooohoooooooo

Food: Heaven

Music: Savior

Ray Donovan: Badass

Dexter: Mysterious

Shaka Smart: Champion

Sex: Must

Hot Tub: Relaxing

Pools: Fun

Margaritas: Fantastic

Burritos: Yummy

Frank Erwin Center: Home

UT Campus: Sanctuary

Overwatch (Video Game): Fanfuckingtastic

Houston: Crowded

Austin: Same

Miami: Home

Dallas Fort Worth: Home

Reverend Horton Heat: Groovy

Walking Dead: Declining

Negan from Walking Dead: Leader

Ratchet and Clank: Missed

Cuddling: Soon

  6. Rest of the Rankings

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Top 10 Cities

1. Miami/Boca Raton/Deerfield Beach

2. Dallas-Fort Worth

3. Columbia, Missouri

4. Kansas City

5. New Orleans

6. Minneapolis

7. San Marcos

8. Waco

9. Los Angeles

10. Memphis

 Top 10 Musicians

1. Sara Bareilles

2. John Mayer

3. Justin Timberlake

4. Norah Jones

5. Action Bronson

6. Kendrick Lamar

7. Drake

8. Shakira

9. Ed Sheeran

10. Danny Brown

 Top 10 Comedians

1. Bill Burr

2. Joe Rogan

3. Dave Chappelle

4. Bill Maher

5. Dane Cook

6. Daniel Tosh

7. Stephen Colbert

8. Conan O Brien

9. Jeff Foxworthy

10. Carlos Mencia

 Top 10 TV shows

1. Ray Donovan

2. Agents of Shield

3. Gotham

4. Luke Cage

5. Daredevil

6. Dexter

7. Homeland

8. Designated Survivor

9. House of Cards

10. Bloodline

 Top 10 Overall sceneries (Locations)

1. DFW and MIA Airport

2. Deerfield/Miami Beach

3. Power and Light District in Kansas City

4. UT Clock Tower/Campus

5. KC Plaza

6. Mizzou Campus

7. Downtown Miami

8. Southpark Meadows

9. Town Lake

10. The city of Columbia Missouri

  Top 10 overall Cartoons Adult or still somewhat Kids

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1. Rick and Morty

2. Family Guy

3. Futurama

4. The Simpsons

5. South Park

6. Anything Looney Tunes

7. Dexter’s Laboratory

8. SpongeBob SquarePants

9. Harvey Birdman: Attorney at Law

10. Aqua Teen Hunger Force

   7. Can you live without?

Texas Longhorns Football and Basketball: Oh, hell No. You are basically asking me to live without the one thing I love and that makes sense for me.

Sirius XM: If it is a must that I have to sacrifice it, yes. Otherwise Nooooooooo

Politics: Yes.

Soda: Yes, I need to start here and soon

Fast Food: Yes, unless you are Whataburger, Canes, Taco cabana, Thundercloud, or P-Terrys.

Those places I can’t live without

Rich People: Yessssssssssssssssssssssssss unless they can get their heads out of their asses then it would just be Meh.

Sports radio: nope

Music: No no no. Music is my savior

Good scenery such as the places you have listed: No because they are also my peaceful places

Your Dad: Absolutely Not. He may piss me off or annoy me sometimes but he’s been my day one. My number 1 hero

Family: Back then outside of my father, my grandma Sandra, my grandma Bren, and stepdad, maybe a few others, Yes. Now, No

The Khardashians: Hah yes. I’ll be nice about Khloe though

Starbucks drinks: No. It is like what alcohol is to most of today’s society

Super Hero or Super Villain movies: No. Those actually are my favorite kinds of movies next to Raunchy comedies and then animations

Justin Bieber: I think it’s safe to say most of us all can live without Justin Bieber. Now if he got his act together, maybe he’s a decent guy.

Fox News: Oh, hell yes. Such morons. There are some not a lot but some good points. Otherwise CNN is king.

Justin Timberlake’s 20/20 experience Albums: NOOOOOOOOOOO those are what put me in a good mood.

UFC: No

WWE: Meh

Your Cat Lulu: No, she’s my baby girl. My little kitty Bitch (Winkey face)

Your dog’s Brees and Leia? I’ve had too for the last year. It’s been hard. I cannot respond. Although. I will say as long as they are also being Taken Care of first once my ex stepmom moves out to Virginia to fulfill while it’s not stupid because it is something she always wanted, the fact that it is with her ex-boyfriend who she hasn’t seen in 10 FUCKING YEARS AND ITS GOING TO HAPPEN RIGHT OFF THE BAT?!?!?! Ok now. I’m just going to say it, if they get put to the side for this, I’m bringing them home with me where they belong. Especially because while although I’ve had to make the hard choice of not seeing them because it would just make me depressed that they are not around as much anymore, I still love them damn it. The last thing I would want to hear is that because of this baby, they are in an area they are not familiar with and then you or your ex when I don’t even know the guy, could possibly abandon them and then they get separated. I wish nothing but the best. But those dogs are my babies especially because i helped raised them.

     8. Finale. Music favorites (Also some of my other favorite Artists might be revealed.)

Favorite John Mayer Album(s): Wildfire, Continuum, Born and Raised

Favorite Action Bronson Album (s): Dr. Lector, Mr. Wonderful

Favorite Drake Album (s): Take Care, Views

Favorite Sara Bareilles Album (s): All of them

Favorite Norah Jones Album (s): All of them

Favorite Justin Timberlake Album (s): Both 20/20 Experiences

Favorite DJ Khaled Album (s): One. Major Keys

Favorite Kendrick Lamar Album (s): DAMN, Good Kidd M.A.D.D. City

Favorite Shakira Album (s): Shakira

Favorite Maroon 5 Album (s): V

Favorite Ed Sheeran Album (s): X, Divide, Plus

Favorite Jason Aldean Album (s): All since the first one

Favorite Snoop Dogg Album (s): Bush, Doggystyle

Favorite Danny Brown Album (s): Every single one

Favorite AC/DC Album: All of them