#when i let myself embrace that it's a lot better than trying to make her like actually cool and collected

[writingintheshadowsforever]

Imagine saying goodbye to Wakanda and leaving with Namor for Talokan

You were in your room packing a small bag of your most cherished possessions. There was probably no need to take your entire room with where you were going. You heard a pair of footsteps approaching your door and a few minutes later someone knocked on it three times.

“Its open” You called out

The door opened revealing and Shuri walked in with a grim look on her face. You dropped the folded up shirt on the bed, and turned around with your arms open without a shirt. Immediately Shuri walked into your embrace wrapping her arms around your neck.

“Please don’t go sister” she pleaded.

“I don’t want to but there’s no other choice” You said.

Shuri pulled back to look you in the eyes. “We can find another way all we need is a little more time.”

“Unfortunately that’s the one thing we don’t have” You whispered with a humorless chuckle. You brought a hand up to wipe away a single tear that escaped from her eyes. “Now don’t do that, this isn’t forever. I’m going to come back home one day.”

“How will that work exactly? Will you spend the three months up here consecutively or will they be spread out?” She asked in a dry tone in her voice.

“I don’t really know yet, but I guess that’s something I’ll have to figure out.”

“This isn’t fair we lost brother and now you’re being forced to leave. This wouldn’t be happening if I had recreated the heart-shaped herb by now.”

“Hey don’t do that this isn’t on anyone but-

“Your future husband,” Shuri said, cutting you off with a glare.

That was the one topic you were hoping wouldn’t be brought into the conservation. You had hoped you’d be able to pretend this was like some messed up mission. Where you were going to Talokan as some liaison or something to build a relationship between them and your nation. But no, here it was the truth: you were going to marry a man you barely knew, and go live in an underwater empire. In order to prevent a war, save a young girl’s life, and convince Wakanda to protect the secret of Talokan’s existence.

“It might take time but maybe I can truly learn to love him. He’s not all bad you know he took you to his home. Shuri you saw what he has to protect” You insisted.

“Yeah and I understand that but can’t he do it without taking you away from us” she replied.

“It was my choice to say yes.”

“It's not like he gave you a lot more options.”

You let out a sigh and pulled her back into the hug burying your face into her shoulder. It didn’t matter what you said there would be no convincing anyone close to you. That this was somehow not basically Namor forcing you into marriage with him. Then again maybe you were trying to convince yourself rather than them to make it easier.

“Come on, you can help pick out all the good stuff from my closet.” You told her breaking free from the hug to head over to the giant walk-in closet

“Oh you know I’m going to give you all the bad options right so I just take the rest for myself once you’re gone” Shuri said with a smirk. You laughed, “I expect nothing less from my little sister.” It was nice to be able to have at least one light-hearted moment with her before leaving.

You and Shuri spent the next hour or so raiding your closet with the occasional argument breaking out over a clothing item. When you would catch her trying to hide something behind her back from your view. In the end she played it's going to be the last thing I have to remember you by card. You reminded yourself you weren’t dying, and made it clear your room better remain untouched for when you return. Eventually the two of you stumbled upon an old photo album on the top shelf, and that’s how Queen Romanda found her two daughters. Both of you were cuddled up against each other on the floor at the foot of your bed with a photo album in both of your laps. As you flip through it, stopping every now and then to reminisce about the funniest and best moments of your childhood.

“Well at least I get to have one more good memory of my daughters together before you leave.” She said alerting both of you to her presence. She took a seat on the bed beside you and reached down to make a mess of your hair.

“You two do know I’m not dying right?” You asked.

“My child you’re lucky I’m letting you carry out this ridiculous mission” Queen Romanda said.

“I guess this means the Council didn’t have a better idea” You said.

She shook her head. “The only thing they could think of was offering up Riri instead.”

You frowned. “That was never an option.”

“I know my child I just wish you would’ve came to me when Namor made his offer”

“Mom you would’ve sent me off to some discreet location with Ayo or something” You told her.

Your mother let out a sigh not denying the accusation.

You felt Shuri squirming against you and turned to see what was wrong. She was digging something out of her pocket. It was a small black box.

“I made you something to take down there with you,” She said, opening the box. On the inside was a simple black ring band obviously made out of vibranium. “I know he’s going to be worried about you having your kimoyo beads on, and any other of our technology. The design is simple enough it shouldn’t attract any attention, and if it helps I made him a matching one.” On her other hand was a similar black box that must hold a bigger ring for Namor.

“There isn’t like a secret feature in there that’s going to let you shock him from up here whenever you want right?” You asked. Instead of just giving you a straight answer Shuri shrugged her shoulders. You took the ring out of the box and slipped it on your finger. It was the perfect fit and she was right about it not standing out. You stuffed the other box in your pocket.

Shuri leaned forward to place a quick kiss to your forehead before getting up to leave. “I’m going to let mother have some alone time with you now. Don’t worry all of us will be escorting you to the beach before dawn.”

You turned too lookout at the sky. It was still dark out but there was a hint of darker blue mixing in with the darkness. In just a couple more hours it would be time for your departure.

“Come up here y/n” Queen Romanda said softly. You obeyed, pulling yourself up onto the bed. She wasted no time wrapping an arm around your shoulder and pulling you closer. “If you truly don’t want to do this just say the word, and we will find another way.”

“Mom, he nearly killed you. If Wakanda goes to war with Talokan, I might not be able to save you or protect everyone else. At least with this way no one has to die or get hurt.” You told her.

She pressed a kiss to the top of your head. “Why didn’t you tell me about your gifts before all of this happened?”

You didn’t answer right away trying to find the reason exactly why you hid your powers from your mother. In the beginning it was purely out of fear the power came out of nowhere and it was so destructive. You didn’t know if the powers were a gift or a curse, so you sought out T’Challa’s aid first. Knowing he would do everything in his power to help you learn how to master the abilities, and if you couldn’t do it. He would help you come up with a way to suppress them so you wouldn’t be a danger to anyone or yourself. After you learned control there really wasn’t anything stopping you from revealing the truth to the rest of your loved ones. So why did you hide them? “I didn’t know what these powers meant or where they came from? I still don’t know till this day I was worried about what the Council would think. They tend to be very superstitious about these types of things. I was afraid it would change things for me” You finally answered after giving it some thought.

“Oh my child I would let this kingdom burn before I let anything happen to you. I can’t-” she paused to correct herself. “I won’t lose another child and I need you to know that if Namor is playing some angle. I will come for you.” You simply nodded and rested your head on her chest. Queen Romanda wrapped her other arm around your body, and that was how the two of them stayed for the rest of the night. When it was just an hour out from dawn you snuck out from the palace to the jets. It didn’t surprise you that both Okoye and Nakia were waiting. Of course you weren’t going to get anything past them.

“So what then no proper goodbye for your family?” Nakia asked with a raised eyebrow.

“We both know if I let them come they're going to try and stop me” You replied.

“And how do you know we’re not going to try and stop you?” Okoye shot back.

“Because both of us understand why I have to do this better than anyone. Y’all know there is no other way out of this without a war” You said adjusting your bag on your shoulder. You hoped you were right and this wasn’t about to turn into a fight to escape Wakanda.

Okoye and Nakia exchanged a look then motioned for you to follow them onto the jet which you did. The trip to the beach was made in silence. When the jet landed there was still ten minutes to spare which you spent with them. “Take care of my mother and Shuri? You said.

“You know I’m going to general or not I will always be loyal to your family” Okoye reassured you.

“Y/N when you do return make sure you find the time to stop by in Haiti” Nakia stated.

“You’re not staying in Wakanda?” It was more of a statement than a question.

She shook her head “make sure you come visit me.”

You nodded.

Okoye made a gesture over your shoulder and you took a quick glance to see Namor hovering over the water, eyes focused on you. It was time.

“Well I guess this is it.” You dug out five envelopes from your bag each of them had a letter encased on the inside. You held them out and Okoye gently took them from your hand. “There wasn’t enough time for me to say everything I wanted to, so I put it on paper. Make sure everyone gets them.”

Okoye gave you a nod and both her and Nakia embraced you before watching you depart to the beach. Namor flew down to the ground to meet you with an unreadable expression.

“You thought I was going to back out” You accused.

He shook his head. “I thought your country would put up more of a fight, especially with them.” He nodded to where Okoye and Nakia were standing.

“Trust me they don’t like this anymore than my mother does, but they trust me and I’m trusting you. Don’t betray that Namor” You told him.

“Of course mi amour let’s go, your new home awaits” Namor replied, holding out his hand. You took it, letting you pull it to his chest. Once his arms were secured around your waist his wings started fluttering and his body rose in the air. In a blink of an eye he disappeared into the ocean.

Tag List: @local-bxbby @nebulastarr @historygeekqueen @lia-losing-it @creamecafe @polireader @inkareds @ellathefriendlyalpacaaa @alinefrank @lullabaesstuff @dngnmstr-blog @pearlsyeaaa

#mcu imagine #marvel imagine #black panther imagine #shuri x reader #queen romanda x reader #namor x reader

[i9messi]

Joao Felix comforting the reader on her period, I know some people are uncomfortable with this topic so don't feel pressured to write about it. PS love your writings!

(thank you for requesting!)

Sweet company — João Félix

Word count — 752

joaõ's masterlist

It wasn’t a good day, your period had come and you hated it. You didn’t want to move around your house, so you lay down on the couch in the living room, trying to spend your time and forget for a moment what was happening to your body. Your stomach was hungrier than usual and you felt certain stabbing pains in the lower part of your belly.

You heard sounds, someone opening your house door. You quickly saw that your boyfriend came from training, with a smile on his face that vanished when your eyes met. You felt bad and João noticed right away.

"What happened?"

"I don’t feel very well today, João." you explained the rest of the situation and he didn’t hesitate to come to you and lie down on the couch next to you.

"I’m here now, carinho." you rest your head on his chest, hearing the soft thrum of his heartbeat. It was a warm embrace that brought only peace. "Not that I think cuddling will fix everything, but I’m sure it can’t make things worse, you know?"

You smiled at him, as he stroked your back. Your boyfriend left kisses across your face, paying special attention to your lips.

"I’m never more at peace than I am in your arms." you admitted.

"I’m glad I helped with something, I just want you to feel better and I hate myself because I can’t."

"You are doing a lot, actually. I could stay in your arms all day."

"You should, we should. There’s nothing else I’d rather do than spend the whole day hugging you."

João wasn’t just your boyfriend, he was also your friend and confidant. You had all your trust in him and he'd never let you down. Every time you felt bad he was there to try to help you, you had the kind of relationship in which both of you tried to lean on each other. He firmly fulfilled his promise and you lay on the couch, hugged, for a long time. You talked about a lot of different topics, totally serious topics about your future plans, to even stupid and silly topics.

"Please don’t ask me if I’d still love you if you turned into a zombie." he joked and you raised an eyebrow.

"You’d still love me if I turned into a zombie?"

"Of course. But you know, I’d have to be careful because you’re not gonna want to kiss me, you’re gonna want to bite me. Maybe I should let you bite me, so I can also become a zombie and we’ll be two zombies in love against the humans."

You looked at your boyfriend and left a kiss on his lips. "How’d I get so lucky to have you?"

"I’m the lucky one here, you’re my girlfriend." João rubbed his nose against you, and he softly smiled at you. "How about I make us something to eat and we go watch a movie marathon?"

João got up and you told him you were going to help him, but before you could move, he told you to stay in the coach.

"No, stay there. Don’t you even think of lifting a finger today. I’ll take care of everything, querida."

Your body was still aching, so you let him quietly cook. You covered yourself with the blanket you had brought, and while your dedicated boyfriend was doing something so you could eat while watching the movie, you looked for what you could watch. João came back a while later, with a bowl of popcorn and lots of chocolates and sweets. They were too many.

"Should we watch Barbie movies?" You proposed and he nodded.

While you were watching the movie, you wrapped yourself around his torso. An intimate moment where time slowed down. His hold was strong and reassuring. His mouth came to your face and he left a kiss on the tip of your nose, another on your forehead and one on each cheek.

"Babe, you should watch the movie."

"You’re so pretty... I could look at you for hours."

"João, stop being cute."

You were so in love with him, your heart was beating for him.

"Eu te amo"

"I love you too, João."

You let him keep seeing you, still hugging his body and hearing his heart beating. Once you moved to go to the bathroom and when you did, he asked you if you were okay. You spent the whole afternoon lying down, with João telling you he loved you.

#joao felix imagines #joao felix blurb #joao felix fluff #joao felix x reader #joao felix #joão félix #joão felix #joao felix imagine #joao felix one shot #chelsea fc #football imagines #football player fanfic #football players

[toastandjamie]

You know how in a previous post I talked briefly about how Mat is subversion of masculinity? Yeah that but now I’m also going to talk about how all of that and the contradicting nature of his character can all be traced back to him being Odin. Bare with me lmao.

So let’s start with the fact that Odin as a god covers a LOT of domains, and a lot of them contradict eachother. He’s a god of war and death but he’s also a god of healing and poetry. He’s a god of wisdom and knowledge but also frenzy and bloodlust. A god of royalty favored by princes and also a good of thieves and tricksters. The Allfather indeed! Odin is a god but very importantly he’s Mortal, he’s a god of wisdom because he seeks it out, he is a surprising Human god, with complex and often selfish motivations. Which is very perfect for a character like Mat. But this post isn’t just going to be me pointing out every single thing about Odin that parallels Mat because we’d be here all day and even though I can because everytime a mythological reference appears in those books and twirl my hair and kick my feet I will refrain lol

The main focus of this post is talk about one really interesting facet of Odin’s domains and myths. And that is his connection to magic, specifically the distinctly feminine magic tradition of Seihdr(and that in of itself is a whole thing that’s makes me scream and blather in reference to wheel of time). Odin stands out as a male practitioner of Seihdr, which is traditionally considered a ‘feminine’ craft. Seidhr is a type of magic related to telling and shaping the future(so no shock Odin as the ever curious god of knowledge practiced it) but according to Snorri in the Ynglinga saga the practice of Seidhr leaves the practitioner weak and helpless thus male practitioners were considered ‘ergi’ a designation for men in Norse society who were unmanly and feminine. Odin was no exception being called ‘ergi’ by Loki in Lokasenna.

This is really interesting when we view Mat’s characterization through this lens. Specifically he’s described in relation to other more traditionally masculine characters and his relationship to the one power specifically Saidar. Long before I did any research involving Seidhr and Odin I had noted to myself that Mat would’ve had an easier time channeling Saidar vs Saidine. I’ve always felt that Mat was better at embracing and submitting to power and change than he ever was at forcing it, which of course is mostly because of his adaptability and flexibility which make him such a great general in the first place. There’s a reason Mat never got a handle of the flame and the void despite both Rand and Lan trying to teach him in books 1 and 2. Mat also acts the most like the women in the series in comparison to say Rand or Perrin. jokingly I’ve mentioned how in Shadow Rising a big plot point in Rand and Elayne’s relationship is a miscommunication because Elayne was upset Rand didn’t ask her to stay when she left for Tanchico, and Mat practically has the same exact fight with Rand over Rand not asking HIM to stay when he said he was going to leave before the battle at Cairihan. I also want to point out that in the Wheel of Time, daggers and throwing knives are mainly used by women(see, Min, Faile, Berelain, Tuon) with Mat and Thom being the only men we see using throwing knives(something something the idea that subterfuge and caution are feminine traits) while swords and axes are mainly used by men or women specifically breaking gender convention such as Cha Faile and Elayne’s Queen’s Guard. interestingly spears(Mat’s other weapon of choice) is an androgynous weapon used by both men and women(this is solely because the entire Aiel culture uses spears and will fight with them), bows are also a relatively androgynous weapon in the context of WoT used pretty universally. There’s also something to be said about how the entire subplot with Tylin puts Mat in the role of the ‘pursued’ or as Mat himself puts it ‘the woman’ where Tylin takes the commanding and dominant role in their dynamic. There’s a whole different essay to be written about Mat’s romantic relationships and the vast power dynamic disparity in them and how the relationships with Tylin and Melindra primed him for the way his dynamic with Tuon works but once again that’s a different essay.

Mat’s relationship with the one power is also really interesting, because for a non-channeler he’s pretty heavily linked with magic. He’s effected by the magic inherent in the world despite for all intensive purposes being perfectly normal to start with. The Aelfinn and the Eelfin, the fact that he’s hunted by the Gholam who was created solely to assassinate channelers. Both of his sisters being born with the spark and him marrying a woman who was trained as a sul’dam(and in a prophetic vision said woman literally collaring him after we had just been introduced to the concept of a’dams). His medallion that negates channeling, the cursed dagger and him getting the first powerwrought weapon of the series in his Ashandarei. Mat’s practically rolling in magic nonsense despite wanting nothing to do with it. Not all of this was created by the one power, but he’s still very associated with it whether he wants to be or not. It’s also probably safe to say that between his sisters and being Ta’veren it’s likely he could probably learn to channel if he wanted to, of course he never would want to learn and as I established earlier I think he’d have a hard time channeling Saidine in the first place. Trying to wrestle a force of nature using brute force isn’t exactly his forte.

There’s also another essay about Mat and Elayne’s dynamic and how I think Elayne is a Freya parallel, and how that relates to Odin and Freya being the two patron gods of Seidhr- but I digress.

#wheel of time #mat cauthon #wheel of time spoilers #major wot book spoilers #minor wot book spoilers #wot meta #long post

[mysterious-moonstruck-musings]

Destiny & Deliverance: Chapter 19

Destiny & Deliverance Masterlist ||| Dieter Bravo X OFC Smut & Language - Minors DNI New as of 8/31/2023

SUPPORT YOUR CREATORS. REBLOGGING & COMMENTS ARE APPRECIATED.

Series Rating: Explicit (18+)

Series Summary: Natalia Cohen is experiencing major life changes, beginning with leaving an emotionally abusive husband. She is learning how to navigate life on her own while dealing with high functioning anxiety, depression, and mild PTSD. Everything is looking up for her. She is a highly respected consultant for a major LA firm, has her best friend, Lauren, by her side, and is on her path to healing. Everything changes when she meets a handsome and broken stranger on a work trip. He turns out to be a well-known actor, with a heart-breaking past. They quickly develop a connection that will forever alter their lives. 

Warnings: Themes dealing with mental health, emotional trauma, alcohol use, and discussions about suicide. There will be fluff, tears, spicy language, and smut. This will be a slow burn type of story. Read at your own risk.

Chapter Quote: "Did we really just fuck in the hallway?"

Dieter and I were a little late getting out of bed that morning. After our post-sleep declarations, we indulged in our physical intimacy for a while longer, which led to a cold breakfast. Not that either of us minded. Given that we still couldn’t keep our hands off each other, it seemed that neither of us were satiated after the morning exploits. I probably could have skipped breakfast all together if it meant spending more time wrapped up in his naked embrace.     

Once we finished with breakfast, we got ready and spent the afternoon at a nearby winery which used the final product from the vineyard to make their wine. I learned more than I ever needed to know about wine making. I also tasted a lot more than I should have. As the visit went on, I found myself more focused on watching the way Dieter’s mouth moved when he spoke than listening to what he was saying. I was pretty buzzed by the time we left and only had one thing on my mind. I just wanted to get back to the house and have my way with him. Based on his darkened eyes and firm touches, he seemed to reciprocate that feeling.         

After we got back to the house, we couldn’t even behave ourselves long enough to make it to the bedroom. I pinned him against the wall in the upstairs hallway, kissing him urgently, while pulling at his belt buckle. The alcohol was clearly affecting my decision-making skills. He didn’t seem to mind as he backed me up against the wall on the opposite side of the hallway, lifting the long skirt I had worn for our outing. He was pleasantly surprised to find I had nothing underneath. I gave him a wry smile as he looked at me with wide eyes. 

“Have you been like this all day?” he asked, somewhat breathlessly. 

“I’m starting to find undergarments to be a hindrance when certain situations arise. The less I have in the way of fucking you the better.” 

He let out a low groan before he started kissing me again. I finally freed him from his briefs as he lifted one of my legs to hook around his waist. He rubbed his tip at my entrance, finding that I was ready for him. He wasted no time sinking into me, continuing with hard thrusts. We buried our faces in each other’s necks, trying to stifle the sounds that escaped. I knotted one of my hands in the front of his shirt, while the other pulled at his hair. He used one arm to brace himself against the wall to support both of us, while his other hand held my leg in place around his waist. The angle of his movements provided the most electrifying friction against my center, eliciting an intense release that radiated out to all parts of my body causing my head to fall back against the wall. I bit my lower lip, trying to hold back the sounds escaping from my mouth. He spilled into me moments later as he let out a strangled moan into my neck. 

We sat unmoving for some time, both of us panting heavily and covered in a light sheen of sweat. He dropped my leg and moved to kiss me. His hand grabbed at my hip tightly as our tongues danced with one another. He finally pulled away, resting his forehead against mine. He let out a small laugh against my lips. 

“Did we really just fuck in the hallway?” I let out a chuckle in response.

“We did, and I would do it again with no reservations.”

He responded by giving me one last kiss before turning to button his pants. We finally made it to our room where we spent several minutes cleaning ourselves up. We were both flushed and had freshly fucked hair. We couldn’t look at each other without breaking into smiles. I was honestly shocked at how my body was responding to him. I had never felt this turned on by someone before. The more I indulged in him, the worse it got. I guessed it was payback for avoiding it for so long. It was coming back to bite me with gusto.  

Once we were both presentable, we headed toward the patio for dinner. Lucia was just finishing setting everything up as we walked out. She spent a few minutes chatting with us about our day. She had a genuine smile on her face the entire time and seemed happy to have Dieter there. He was clearly in a happier mood than he had been upon our arrival, and it was infectious.

Lucia eventually left us alone to eat. We were surprisingly quiet during our meal. Mostly just enjoying being in each other’s company. Afterwards, we walked over to a grassy area that was a short distance away from the house. Dieter was surprised when I laid down on the grass to look at the stars. 

“What are you doing?” he asked with a laugh. 

“Looking at the sky. You don’t get to see it like this in the city.”

He agreed as he laid down beside me. We were silent for a few minutes before I spoke up again.

“Can I ask you some questions? You don’t have to answer if it’s too much.” 

I felt his hand move to search out mine. My hand met with his and entwined our fingers together. He inhaled deeply before agreeing. 

“The woman in the pictures, is that your mom?”

I could hear the smile in his voice, “Yeah, that’s her. I can’t believe that’s one of the first things you went for when you walked into the house. Why did that get your attention?”

I felt a small wave of emotion wash over me as I continued to look at the sky, realizing what it was that drew me in. 

“Her eyes. They had the same look you have sometimes.”

I felt his hand tighten in mine. I didn’t elaborate on what I meant by that, but I think he knew. I wasn’t sure why, but it gave me an uneasy feeling.  

“Did you really bring me white roses the first time you came over because they’re a personal favorite or did it mean something to you?” 

He snorted and laughed as he rolled over onto his side to prop himself up on an elbow to look down at me. He slid his hand across my waist before asking, “What do you think?” 

I could faintly make out a hint of his flirty grin in the moonlight. 

“Sneaky, sneaky. I think Lauren was on to you.” 

“She definitely was. She’s already asked me about it, actually.” 

“And you said?” He laughed.

“She took my non-response as a response and let it go. You know how she is.” 

I laughed, “I do know. It’s impossible to keep anything from her.” 

He continued to smile as he pulled my hand up to his lips and kissed it gently. He held it there as he stared out into the darkness. 

“Lucia seems to really care about you. Is she family?” He knitted his brows together before responding. 

“She was my mom’s best friend. I stayed with her after…everything happened. I was with her for a long time because I didn’t want to be here. She didn’t live on the property then. Her and Mateo moved here after my dad passed to help run the place. Mateo had been working with my dad since the beginning, so he knew everything that needed to be done. I’ve never really had it in me to be involved with the day-to-day things.” 

He laid down on his arm facing me. Still holding my hand in his, near his chest. 

“Have you been to your mom’s grave at all?”

He seemed to stare off at nothing as he answered. 

“The only time I’ve been is when we buried my father… and even then…I pretended she wasn’t there. I haven’t been able to do it.”

“If you wanna go before we leave, I’ll go with you.” 

He didn’t answer, his thoughts had briefly led him somewhere else as he continued to stare without blinking.  

I turned on my side to face him, reaching with my other hand to rub at the side of his jaw. His eyes finally met mine.

“Thank you for being here for me,” he said quietly as tears pooled in his eyes. My eyes immediately filled up too. I pulled him toward me for a chaste kiss. I leaned my forehead against his. 

“You don’t have to thank me for that. I would do anything for you. I love you.” 

The tears finally slipped down his cheeks as we both realized it was the first time I had said those exact words aloud to him. He kissed me again as both of us smiled against each other's lips.

We were soon met with the sounds of dishes clinking as Lucia and Jose cleaned up on the patio. We took that as our cue to make our way back to the house. We wished them both goodnight before heading up to bed. 

Early the next morning, I woke to Dieter getting out of bed. He leaned down and kissed me before saying he would be back and to go back to sleep. I had just managed to doze off when the flash of light and a door closing pulled me out of sleep. I sat up, looking around the room. Dieter was gone.

I pulled the sheet around my naked body as I got out of bed. I walked over to the terrace doors and pulled the curtains back far enough to peek out. I could faintly make out Dieter’s form as he walked toward the wooded area, with freshly cut white roses in his hand. A sad smile formed on my face as I realized where he was going. I was proud of him and hoped he got what he needed out of the visit with his mother’s grave. I moved to lay down in the bed and instantly fell back to sleep. 

Sometime later, the room filled with light as Dieter opened the curtains. I felt him sit on the edge of the bed beside me. He gently pushed my hair back to wake me up. My eyes fluttered open to meet his gaze. I reached up to touch his face. His hand met mine as he held it against his cheek.

“You doing ok?” I asked him softly. He bit his bottom lip as he shook his head up and down. He seemed different, lighter maybe. I smiled up at him. 

“You ready to head back home?” he asked as he turned to kiss the palm of my hand. 

“Not particularly, but I guess we need to.” 

I drug myself out of bed and got dressed in some comfortable clothes for the long drive. We quickly packed up, then went out onto the terrace to have breakfast. As soon as we were finished, we started to load up the car. Lucia, Mateo, and Jose came out to see us off. Lucia gave Dieter a somewhat emotional goodbye. As she was hugging me, she asked that I make sure he comes back to see her soon.

Dieter seemed more relaxed and carefree on our drive back home. He happily chatted the entire way and sang along to random songs as he drove. He was clearly feeling much better after the trip. I silently hoped he would stay this way as I watched him from the passenger seat.

When we got closer to civilization, both of our phones began to go crazy as all the missed call alerts and text messages started to come in. His alerts were beyond ridiculous. He ended up turning the sound off as he quietly cursed at it. Most of my messages were work related. I quickly sent a few responses to let them know I would handle things when I got back in the office. They all knew I was unavailable, yet here we were. They were a needy bunch.                       

We spent that evening relaxing after the long drive. The following day was spent unpacking and catching up on everything we had missed. We had to prepare ourselves to enter back into the real world. I needed to go into the office for several meetings the following day and Dieter had several meetings he had to attend in order to prepare for his upcoming travel and filming. Neither of us were looking forward to it. 

When Wednesday finally rolled around, I was struggling to get back into my morning routine. It didn’t help that Dieter was there and decided to join me in the shower, further slowing the process down. 

Late Tuesday night, I had found out that we were getting a surprise visit from one of our important clients, so I was a little flustered and felt unprepared. I probably should have gotten my clothes ready the night before because everything was wrinkled. I finally settled on a black tailored three-piece suit. The pants had a straight leg fit and stopped at my ankles. The matching top was more like a bustier. It was on the sexy side, but I said ‘fuck it’ and went with it anyway. I figured I would be fine if I kept the blazer buttoned up. I added some black heels to complete the look. 

As I was quickly putting my hair up into a loose updo, Dieter came into the bathroom. He was momentarily distracted by the bustier top I had on without the blazer. 

“Damn, can I come to work with you?” he said as he slid his hands around the sliver of bare skin at my waist and kissed up the back of my neck. 

“You’re going to make me late if you keep it up,” I replied as I stuck the final pin in my hair to hold it in place.   

He huffed, “Who needs work anyway?”

I narrowed my eyes on him in the mirror. He laughed as he grabbed his toothbrush and wandered off into the bedroom. I shrugged my blazer on then rushed around to gather up my laptop and everything else I needed for the day. I stood at the kitchen table digging through my bag, feeling like I was forgetting something. Dieter walked over and handed me coffee in a travel mug and the charging cord for my laptop. I laughed before pulling him in for a lingering kiss. We both inhaled deeply as I pulled away. 

“You want me to drop you off at work? I’m heading in that direction. It’ll save you from looking for a parking spot.” 

“You picking me up too?” 

“No, I’m gonna leave your ass there,” he shot back with a sarcastic tone.

I tilted my head to the side and gave him an annoyed look as he started laughing.

“Alright, you ass, let’s go.” I gave him a playful slap on the chest as I turned to grab my bag off the table.    

Dieter got me to the office in record time. He pulled up out front of the building and gave me a quick kiss before I exited the vehicle. He handed me my forgotten coffee mug just as I was about to shut the door. I was a flustered mess as I walked in the front entrance to Kerrie, Aubrey, and Elizabeth staring at me. 

“Do you have a chauffeur now?” Kerrie asked with a smirk. 

“What? No. I was running late and…never mind. It doesn’t matter.” 

“Was that your friend from New York?” Aubrey asked with a smile forming on her face.

“Yes. It was.” My response was clipped as I eyed the three of them. Realizing where this was going. 

“So, what did you do while you were off?” Elizabeth asked a little too nonchalantly. 

“No. I’m not doing this. Don’t we have clients coming soon?” They all three continued to stare at me, with sly grins on their faces. 

“Stop it. I’m not telling you anything.” I gave them a serious look and squared my shoulders. I walked toward my office without another word. I heard the three of them start laughing as Kerrie yelled, “We’ll get it out of you eventually!”  

My morning continued to frustrate me. My neediest employee, Steve, appeared in my office thirty minutes before our clients were scheduled to arrive. He was having one issue after another. The guy was wearing me out. I couldn’t figure if trouble sought him out or if it was from his own making. I got him squared away just as I saw Kerrie leading our clients toward the conference room. I wasn’t sure if I was mentally prepared to deal with them. I knew what they were about to try to do, because it wasn’t the first time they had done this. 

Aubrey and I met just outside my office door. She told me to take the lead on it. She personally knew one of the clients and did not want to be the bad guy if she didn’t have to be. Figures.  

After forty-five minutes of contract negotiation discussions, I was ready to snap. They were not letting it go. I sat unblinking with an emotionless expression on my face as I listened to Mr. Brad Northrup lecture me about our prices. I finally sighed loudly, which got his attention, causing him to stop mid-sentence. 

“Is there a problem, Natalia?” Brad said with an irritated tone. 

Aubrey knew what was coming. I could see her grimace before I opened my mouth. 

“Actually, yes, there is. This is the third time we’ve had this conversation. I let it slide the first two times and gave in because of your friendship with Aubrey, but I’m not doing it again. Clearly, you’re having some financial issues, or else you wouldn’t keep asking for this. We have costs that we have to cover too, which you don’t know the first thing about. So, lecturing me about how much we charge is not going to get the response that you want from me, Brad.”  

The atmosphere in the room shifted. His team was no longer throwing figures and justifications at us. They sat in silence with wide eyes. 

“Look, I’ll give you two options. We can look at cutting costs which would include cutting some of the services that we currently offer to you. You’re not keeping the contract you currently have at a cheaper price. Or we can cancel your contract and you’re more than welcome to find a new firm to work with that meets your price point.” 

I sat back in my seat and tossed my pen on the table. I was done. Brad looked at Aubrey, “You’re really going to let that stand?”

“She's the lead on the account. I support whatever decision she comes to.” 

Brad looked like he was about to blow a gasket as he gathered his things to leave. He said they would talk to their partners and get back to us. I watched his team file out the door, noticing Dieter standing in the reception area with Kerrie. They both had amused expressions on their faces. The door was open, so I’m sure they heard my outburst. 

I walked out to meet him and asked why he was here so early. 

“Well, I was bored so I figured I’d come watch you hand that guy his own ass on a platter,” he said with a chuckle. He put one hand on my hip and leaned in to kiss me on the cheek. His actions immediately got the attention of everyone in the office. 

“Oh, you heard that, huh?” I said through a laugh. 

“I did, and you know I loved every minute of it.” 

He gave me a flirty look and I returned it with a smirk before biting my bottom lip. I was well aware of how much he liked it when I “laid the law down”. I was also suddenly very aware of all the eyes on us. My coworkers were so fucking nosey. 

I cleared my throat, “Seriously, what’s up. Everything ok?”

“Yeah, I realized you didn’t bring lunch with you this morning and you don’t have your car. So, I brought you food.” 

He held up the small bag in his other hand that I hadn't noticed.

“Oh, I hadn’t even thought about lunch. Thank you.” 

I suddenly felt very self-conscious. 

“Let’s go eat in my office. Alone.” I emphasized the last word as I looked around so that the onlookers could hear it. They all diverted their eyes and pretended they weren’t listening. 

I closed the door behind us while he went to sit at the small table at the far end of my office. We spent a few minutes talking about our day. He seemed to be in good spirits and excited about filming, which was surprising. After a few minutes of silence, he changed the subject. 

“Do we have any plans tonight?”

“Not that I’m aware of, why?”

“Well, a good portion of the missed calls and messages that I had were from Anna. I forgot, today is her birthday. Everyone’s getting together at some fancy restaurant to celebrate. She wants us to come.” 

“Oh. What time?”

“Pretty much right after you get off work.” 

“If you want to go, I’ll go.” 

“You’re sure? I know you’ve had a long day.”

“Yeah, let’s do it.”

Honestly, I wasn’t excited about it at all. I knew he wanted to try and keep his friendship with her. So, I was going to roll with it and try to have a good time. 

After we finished eating, I gathered our trash and walked over next to my desk to throw it away. When I turned, Dieter was there. I leaned against the edge of my desk as he unbuttoned my blazer. He moved in closer, straddling my legs and running his hands around my waist under my blazer to pull me in for a kiss. His hands were rubbing small circles on the bare skin of my lower back as I felt his tongue slip into my mouth. I knotted my hands into the front of his shirt and deepened the kiss. I could feel him getting hard against me. I had just pulled away when Kerrie came through the door. She froze, unsure of how to respond to what she had walked in on. I had a smirk on my face as I raised my eyebrows at her. Neither Dieter nor I had moved from our embrace. I imagined he probably wasn’t in any state to turn around at the moment.

“Umm, your ugh, one o’clock is here.” Kerrie said, struggling to hide the smile she was fighting. 

“I’ll be out in a minute.” 

She nodded as she turned and shut the door behind her. I looked at Dieter, who had an embarrassed smile on his face. 

“I’m gonna hear about that later.” 

“Yep. My fault, sorry.” 

I walked him out to the lobby. He gave Aubrey and Kerrie a tight smile and small wave, with a slightly red face on his way out. They both gave me toothy grins after he was out the door. I responded with the middle finger as I walked around the corner to the waiting area to greet my next set of clients.  

The afternoon passed quickly. I spent part of it dodging questions and insinuations every time I was around Kerrie or Aubrey. They were relentless, but it was all in good fun. Before I knew it, it was time for Dieter to pick me up. I had him pull up out front to get me so he could avoid any further interactions with nosey coworkers. 

When we got to the restaurant, it was clear paparazzi were out everywhere. It was one of those places you went to be seen.

“Sorry, I’ve never been to this place. I didn’t know they would be here.” 

I inhaled deeply. Shaking my head as I tried to keep calm. 

“No biggie, it was bound to happen eventually. Right?” I gave him a worried look. 

“We can walk in separately if you want? They won’t bother if I’m not with you.”   

“No, it’s fine. Really. Maybe just no hand holding or anything. Don’t want to create a frenzy.”

He agreed, as he turned to pull up front to the valet parking area. As soon as he exited the vehicle, they were on him. I managed to get out and walk ahead without them noticing. They were too focused on shouting questions at Dieter. I waited for him on the steps. He eventually made his way over to me. He put his hand on my lower back as we started to walk through the door, which led to a flurry of flashes. 

“Geez, that’s insanity,” I said with an exasperated laugh once we were just inside the door. 

“I know, I’m sorry.” 

“Stop apologizing, It’s fine. I know what I’m getting into.”

I grabbed his hand as we made our way through the restaurant to find Anna’s table. It was one of those trendy type restaurants with dim lighting and high-end furnishings. I couldn’t say I was surprised she would want to come to a place like this.

We found her table in one of the back corners. There had to be at least fifteen people there already and she was seated in the middle of them. She called over to say she had saved us seats, right in front of her. Dieter greeted everyone and introduced me to anyone I hadn’t met yet. As I sat in the chair, I could feel Anna’s eyes looking me over.

“Geez Talia, I didn’t realize I was attending a board meeting.”

It took Dieter and I both a minute to register what she meant. She was referring to the suit that I was wearing. Dieter narrowed his eyes as he opened his mouth to speak. I grabbed his hand to stop him, before reaching to unbutton and remove my blazer. He glanced over and instantly knew what was coming based on my overly calm demeanor. He had a smirk on his face before a word left my mouth.

“I’m sorry Anna, but homeless bag-lady chic isn’t really appropriate for a professional office setting. Seeing as I came directly here from work, I guess you’ll just have to deal with my business attire. I’m sorry it doesn’t meet your dress code.”  

Anna briefly sat with her mouth agape before her eyes dropped down to the bustier, I had just uncovered. Her eyes widened with shock at my response. 

I gave her a sarcastic smile as Dieter burst out laughing. He didn’t even try to hold it back like the others sitting around us did. It was a great start to our evening. Anna finally recovered and laughed it off, but she was clearly seething over it. She wasn’t used to someone biting back at her snide remarks. 

The waiter came over soon after that to get our food and drink orders, which helped diffuse the tension. Anna avoided talking to us for some time. We were nearly done with our appetizer when she finally turned her attention back to Dieter.

“I literally tried for days to get hold of you about tonight. Where were you that didn’t have a cell signal?”

He had a guarded look on his face as he took a long drink of water from his glass. As he set it down, he put his free arm around my shoulders and pulled me in closer to his side. I could feel him tense before he spoke.

“Talia and I went to Sonoma for a few days.” 

She gave a sarcastic laugh as she drew her brows down together in confusion. 

“Like, to your parents' place?”  

He exhaled before narrowing his eyes at her, “Yeah, like to my parent’s place.” 

She laughed harder as she looked over at me.

“Did he tell you his big secret, Talia?” Her voice was dripping with sarcasm.

“I told her everything,” Dieter replied, giving her a pointed look. He continued to calmly sip at his drink while we watched her anger bubble to the surface.

“So, you trust HER with that information over your best friend?” 

Dieter smiled as he set his glass down. He squeezed his hand into a fist as it rested on the table, then started repeatedly rubbing his fingertips down his palm. I could feel his leg bouncing beside mine under the table. I reached down and put my hand on his thigh to calm him.  

“Yes, I trust her with everything.” 

“So, what, are you two like together now? Is that it? You think she’s gonna save you from yourself?”   

Dieter’s eyes blackened as his face tensed. I sat up straighter in my seat causing Dieter to tighten his hold on my shoulder. He thought I was about to snap on her.  

“Honestly Anna, it’s none of your business what I think at this point. I’m finally happy. You should just accept that.”

“You really think this is gonna work out between you two? She’s not like us. She’s gonna get sick of your moody shit once she gets to know the real you. You know that right?” 

Dieter leaned forward, loudly slamming his fist down on the table. All eyes were on us now. A smile slid across Anna’s face as she casually leaned back in her seat. She stared at Dieter, unblinking. 

“There’s my angry boy,” she purred.

Her eyes shifted to look at me, “See Talia, he has a bit of a temper. You think you can handle that?”

“Fuck you, Anna. You don’t know me anymore,” Dieter shot back at her, rather loudly as he stood up. The sound of his chair scratching across the floor echoed in the now silent room.

I stood up beside him and tightly grabbed onto his arm. 

“Let’s go,” I said as I pushed him away from the table. He jerked his arm away from me, then leaned down over the table toward Anna. 

“I’m done with this,” he said as he pointed his finger between them. “I’m done with all of this,” he added, motioning to everyone else at the table. 

I chanced a glance around the room. People were starting to pull out their phones. I let out a quiet “fuck” as I roughly reached for his arm again and made him look at me. 

“Let’s go home. Now,” I said sternly.

He slowly shook his head up and down as we stared at each other, wide eyed. He turned to walk away, kicking the chair out of his way as he went.

I turned back to Anna, who was still smiling like the Cheshire cat while she watched him walk away. She glanced over at me, and her smile faded. I was beyond livid, so I knew she was getting a full dose of the “fucking scary” version of me in that moment. 

“You’re a selfish and pathetic bitch. You know that? Eventually, you’re gonna end up alone. You deserve to end up alone.”  

I could tell those words struck a nerve by the way she flinched away from them. I grabbed our things and turned to leave without another word. I walked over to where Dieter was waiting in the alcove near the bathrooms. 

He was leaning back against the wall with his hands rubbing at his face when I approached him. I grabbed his hands to pull them away, dropping them at his sides. His eyes were still black as they darted around looking at everything and nothing. He started clenching and unclenching his right hand. Occasionally stopping to run his thumb over his fingertips. He seemed like he was trying to control his breathing.

“Can you talk to me, please?”

He was slowly shaking his head from side to side as he closed his eyes.  I was having a hard time getting him to focus. I had never seen him like this before and wasn’t sure what to do. I reached up and grabbed the hair at the nape of his neck, somewhat tightly, forcing him to stop moving his head. His eyes popped open widely as he finally looked at me. 

“Don’t let her get to you. She’s not worth it.” 

I leaned my forehead against his as I felt his hands settle on my hips. 

“I can’t believe she said that to you. I’m sorry you had to hear that.”

“There’s nothing to be sorry about. I don’t give a damn about anything she has to say. She’s just trying to pull you back into her mess.”  

He pulled me in for a tight hug, burying his face into my neck. He took several deep breaths before he pulled away. He rested one of his hands on the back of my neck as he stared at me. His eyes looked better now. They were back to their normal chocolate brown color. 

“How about you take me home and get me out of this damn bustier?” 

That had the intended effect. He gave me a small smile and chuckled before pulling me in for a chaste kiss. We were both smiling as we turned to walk toward the exit. I took a brief glance in Anna’s direction. She had been watching us from the table. It gave me some pleasure knowing she had seen that whole exchange between Dieter and me. He was now smiling and that wasn’t the outcome she wanted.  

When we exited the restaurant, we were met with a flurry of flashes and shouted questions. We kept our distance as we walked toward the waiting car and got in. Dieter drove around for a little while and took the long way back to my house to make sure no one followed us. Luckily that didn’t seem to be the case. 

By the time we got home, he and I were both exhausted by the day's events. We peeled the clothes off each other and crawled into bed, wrapping up in each other's embrace under the blankets. We briefly spent some time exploring each other's bodies in silence. Happy to be in each other’s presence and feel the warmth and electricity that resulted from our loving caresses. I snuggled into his chest as he ran his fingers through my loose curls. His soft touches caused me to drift off to sleep. 

At some point in the middle of the night, I felt Dieter get up out of bed. I turned toward his dark figure as he was putting on a pair of shorts. 

“Is something wrong?”

“No mi estrella, I just can’t fall asleep. I’m gonna go in here so I don’t keep you awake. I’ll be back once my mind slows down.”

“Are you having the dreams again?”

“No, it’s not that. I’m just wide awake.”

He leaned down and kissed me on the forehead before leaving the room. I looked up at the clock. It was 4am. This was different, but he had said that he sometimes has episodes of insomnia. I wasn’t sure if it was cause for concern or not. Especially after the exchange he and Anna had earlier. Hopefully he wasn’t bothered by what she had said, because she didn’t know what she was talking about. 

I finally fell back to sleep at some point. I was awakened by my alarm a few hours later. Dieter still wasn’t in bed, but I could smell the coffee brewing in the kitchen. I had a staff meeting and a few conference calls that I needed to go into the office to deal with, so I got up to get ready. I kept things more casual today, opting for dark wash skinny jeans, a light purple silky top, and a blazer. It was definitely a flats day too. My feet were killing me after wearing heels the day before. I left my hair down with loose curls and went light on the makeup. 

Once I was ready, I walked toward the kitchen in search of Dieter. He had made breakfast and was just finishing up making me a plate as I walked around the corner. He seemed very wired for someone who didn’t get much sleep. 

“Wow. I wasn’t expecting to wake up to this.” I gave him a surprised laugh. 

“Well, I had to do something to occupy my time. I got tired of looking over scripts.”

He shrugged as he handed me a plate of food. I gave him a concerned look.

“Are you sure you’re ok? Last night was kind of a lot.”

“Yeah, that isn’t even on my mind. I’m over it. I just got to thinking about work and couldn’t fall asleep. I always do this before filming starts. I start obsessing and over preparing. I’m fine. I promise.”

He leaned in and gave me a quick kiss before shooing me toward the table to eat. 

“Do you have anything going on today?” I asked him in between bites. 

“I have a few calls, that’s about it.”

“I’ll probably be back around lunch time. We have a staff meeting and I have a few calls, then I’ll leave. I’ll work from home the rest of the afternoon.”

He bobbed his head up and down, “Cool, I’ll go grab us some lunch then.”

I gave him a smile, then quickly finished up so I could get going. As I was heading out the door, his phone started to go crazy with text messages, then rang. He rolled his eyes and gave me a quick kiss before going to answer it.

When I walked into the back employee entrance at the office, I could feel eyes on me. I sighed as I neared the reception area to see Aubrey and Kerrie both looking at their phones. They looked up at me with surprised expressions on their faces.  

I paused, giving them a confused look. 

“What?”

Their eyes shifted to each other, then back to me.

“What? Is something wrong?”

Aubrey was hesitant, but finally spoke up, “Have you not seen the gossip columns today?”

I suddenly had a sinking feeling in my stomach. I inhaled deeply and closed my eyes as I slowly exhaled. “Fuck. What is it? Let me see.”

Aubrey handed me her phone. TMZ had posted a ridiculously long article about forty-five minutes ago. It was about last night. There were pictures and video of Dieter and I leaving the restaurant. There were also grainy videos of our confrontation with Anna and of me trying to calm him down. The voices on the audio were too low to make out anything that had been said. The article made every effort to sensationalize the whole evening with little facts about what happened. They also referred to me as an unidentified female friend. Luckily my face was either covered with my hand or not very clear in all the images and video. I rolled my eyes and handed Aubrey her phone. 

“Care to share what that’s all about?” Aubrey asked. 

“Yes, I do care. It’s not as bad as they’re making it out to be. It’s not a big deal.” 

Kerrie gave me a sympathetic look as she spoke, “I’m sure the picture he posted on Instagram early this morning isn’t going to help the situation.”

“The what?” I didn’t know what she was talking about. Her eyes widened. 

“You didn’t know about that?” 

I shook my head as I pulled out my phone to look. Sure enough, he had posted a picture of us earlier this morning. I didn’t even know he had taken it. It was a picture of us laying down, his face pressed against my forehead with his fingers in my hair as I lay sleeping. It was cropped in a way that you couldn’t fully see my face. It was blurred slightly with a black and white filter and had text across the middle that said, “Just us.”       

It already had so many likes and comments. I couldn’t bring myself to look at the comments. I raised my head to look at Aubrey and Kerrie. I could feel the panic rising in my chest. 

“Well, I guess the cat is officially out of the bag.”

A/N: So, did anyone call it that both Dieter and Talia were going to let Anna have it? That was kind of satisfying, right? Look at Lauren picking up on things and not saying anything to Talia about it. Makes you wonder what else her and Dieter talk about when Talia isn't around...

How do you guys feel about the Instagram post? Good move? Bad move? How do we feel about Dieter's behavior? Do you feel like it's pretty on par with how he has been since the beginning?

The chapter song is below and just in case you missed the teaser, the Chapter 19 mood board is too.

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[helloalycia]

the Clarks [three] // alicia clark

summary: now that Nick has finally returned from rehab, you both have to start considering what happens following graduation.

warning/s: mentions of relapsing, drugs and alcoholism.

author's note: it’s a bit late again, my bad! but here’s part 3, hope you like it 🥰

one / two / four / five / masterlist / wattpad

18 years old...

Time had flown so quickly since Nick returned home and, before I knew it, we were counting down the days until graduation. There was only a week left before we'd both be walking onstage to collect our diplomas – something we were both surprised to achieve, but nonetheless grateful.

We were laying on his roof the evening before our last week in school, staring up at the stars and chatting about anything and everything. It was one of those moments you didn't want to end because you were at peace and nothing could change that.

"Are you gonna leave if I pull out some weed?" he asked suddenly, ruining the moment.

I groaned quietly. "Nick..."

He laughed quietly, already pulling out a joint and lighting it. "It's only weed, it won't kill me."

I gave him a disapproving look. He was supposed to be clean, but he'd been using weed on and off for the past few weeks. It was better than much worse drugs out there, but it still worried me in case he got addicted again.

He breathed in before sighing with relief as he got more comfortable, moving one arm behind his head to use as a pillow.

"What do you think you're gonna do after school's finished?" I asked him once it fell quiet again.

"Dunno," he said honestly.

"Haven't you applied for any colleges?"

He snickered, as if I'd said something amusing. "Nope. Mum's been on my back about it, but I don't know if I want that right now. Why force it?"

I hummed in acknowledgement, admiring the few stars dotted in the sky. "You've been through a lot this past year. Maybe you should use this time to focus on yourself for a while."

He put his joint to his lips once more before handing it over to me. "Maybe. What about you?"

I quirked a brow, looking between me and the joint. He tried not to laugh as he waved it in the air.

"C'mon, it won't kill you," he teased.

I sighed, figuring it would be okay to let loose just this once. Accepting the joint, I took a smoke and pulled a face at the taste. I'd had weed before, but only a little, and aside from the momentary high it gave me, I wasn't a huge fan.

"I don't know either," I finally answered his question. "Not properly anyway."

He laughed as he nudged me. "Yeah you do. C'mon. Tell me."

I shrugged. "I'll be working full time at the diner, hopefully only for the year. They said they'd take me on. I'm saving to go to college."

"How wise," he joked, making me smile and roll my eyes.

I smoked some more, letting myself fall into nothing as I embraced the silence, and then Nick and I both turned to the left when we heard a noise on the roof.

"Gee, thanks for the invite." It was Alicia.

Nick groaned lightheartedly. "Go away. I'm trying to hang out with my friend and you're ruining it."

I slapped his arm playfully. "Shut up, Nick. She can join us."

"I was going to anyway," Alicia said before laying down beside me.

Nick grumbled to himself as I chuckled, then I passed her the joint. She gladly accepted, smoking it, before glancing over at me.

"So, what were you talking about?" she asked.

"What Y/N's gonna do after graduation," Nick filled her in.

She hummed, looking back to the sky. "Working, right?"

"Uh-huh," I confirmed.

"If only we could all get straight A's like you, Leashy," Nick teased.

"If you tried, you could, idiot," she retorted, making me chuckle as he scoffed.

The three of us stayed up there for a little while longer, talking nonsense, getting semi-high and preparing ourselves for the last week of school tomorrow. By the time the sky started spinning above me, I knew it was probably time to pack it in for the evening, but before I could say anything, Alicia spoke up from beside me.

"You'll still be around, right?" she asked. "Afterwards?"

It took me a few seconds longer than usual to realise she was talking about after I graduate, and I looked over at her, nodding.

"Of course," I said. "Where else would I go?"

She smiled softly, eyes dilated and half-lidded at the same time, and just like me, she was slightly out of it. It didn't help that I couldn't seem to look away from her, and I wasn't sure if the moment was abnormally long or if I was too high to make sense of it, but I couldn't stop thinking about how pretty she looked. About how much I wanted to kiss her right now. About how I was certain I'd stay by her side as long as I could because she meant so much to me, more than I'd ever let on.

When I found my thoughts drifting, I looked up at the sky again and blinked, suddenly coming out of my weed-induced daze. That was weird, thinking of Alicia like that. She was my best friend's little sister and she thought of me as family. I was being weird. Oh, God.

Massaging my head briefly, I began to sit up. This is why I wasn't a weed person, especially not whilst laying next to the girl I had major feelings for.

"You okay?" Alicia asked, and Nick nudged me with his foot, his way of checking in.

"Yeah, just tired," I half-lied, because it was kind of true. They didn't need to know the rest. "I'm gonna call it a night."

"We all should," Alicia agreed. "Early start tomorrow."

I hummed in agreement, and avoided looking at Alicia for the rest of the evening.

Graduation day finally arrived, and though my mum didn't care enough to see me collect my diploma, I still had the Clarks standing in my corner, making it worthwhile.

The last thing I expected was for Madison and Alicia to throw Nick and I a joint celebratory party at their house after the ceremony. It was one of the nicest things anyone had ever done for me – the other nice things also being from them, funnily enough – and I definitely cried. Nick appreciated it too, but he was never a fan of these sorts of things. Either way, I was grateful enough for the both us.

Madison had invited some of the neighbours and Alicia had invited some of her friends to hang out with. It was a small affair, but I didn't have anyone special to me other than them anyway, so I loved it nonetheless.

It was at this party where I finally met Alicia's boyfriend, Matt. He was nice enough when she introduced him and he seemed to treat her the way she deserved. Truthfully, there wasn't a single fault. And yet, I still didn't like him. I knew why, but that didn't matter. My feelings didn't. So, I played nice and avoided them like the plague, as one does.

After conversing with everyone, I took a breather in the corner of the garden where some food was laid out. Nick found me there, revealing that he was heading off.

"So soon?" I asked with confusion "This party is mainly for you, Nick. You can't just leave."

He waved a dismissive hand. "No one will care. Besides, you'll still be here. I'm gonna go hang out with Gloria."

Gloria was his friend from rehab, and though she seemed lovely, the two of them didn't seem to bring out the best in one another. Still, it was clear she was more than a friend to him, so I couldn't comment.

"Why don't you invite her here?" I suggested, before popping some fruit in my mouth. "Everyone seems to be bringing their partners."

He chuckled, giving me a look. "Firstly, Gloria isn't my partner. Secondly, that technically leaves you out. Where's your partner, Y/N?"

"Non existent, arsehole."

"Hopefully not for long," he said between laughter, before hugging me. "See you later."

I sighed as I watched him leave. It was his day too, and if he wanted to celebrate with Gloria, who was I to stop him? My eyes drifted from his retreating figure to the other party guests mingling in the garden, and then they settled on Alicia and Matt, lingering without meaning to. She was giggling at something he said and it left a bitter taste in my mouth.

It was stupid to still like her after all this time, especially when she had a boyfriend, but I truly couldn't help it.

"How's my new graduate doing?" Madison suddenly appeared, earning my attention.

I returned her smile and straightened up. "I'm good, Madison. Thank you again for doing all this. It's wonderful."

"You gotta stop thanking me," she said with amusement, before standing beside me with her drink and looking out at everyone. I wondered what she wanted, but before I could ask, she said, "I got you a little something."

She pulled out an envelope from behind her back and held it out to me.

"Oh, Madison, you really didn't have to. This party is more than enough," I said, attempting to decline, but she shook it for emphasis.

"Stop it, Y/N, just take it."

It didn't feel right to, but it was also rude to decline her sweet gesture, so I reluctantly accepted the envelope and opened it. My jaw immediately dropped when I pulled out a cheque for five thousand dollars, addressed to me.

"It should cover most of your time at community college, right?" she asked innocently, like she didn't know.

"Madison, I..." Five thousand dollars? That was more than I'd saved in the past three years! "I could never take this. I– What the hell?"

"It's yours now," she assured me. "A gift."

I glanced at her, seeing her kindness reflected in her eyes, the same one she offered to me ever since I moved in next door. But this was too much. I couldn't accept it.

Ignoring her, I put the cheque back in the envelope and tried to give it back to her, but she refused, hiding her hands in her pockets.

"Madison–"

"No," she said sternly. "You're like a daughter to me, Y/N. I see a lot of myself in you and I care about like I do my own kids."

I pressed my lips together, unsure how to respond. She never spoke how she felt, so this was a rarity.

"Nick, he... he's lost," she continued, smiling at me dryly. "He doesn't wanna go to college apparently. I'm hoping that'll change, but..." She clicked her tongue. "Alicia is already set. It's always been smooth sailing for her. So, that only leaves you. And I know that your mum, she... well, I don't expect her to have saved for you, and I know you've been saving for yourself, but it'll take too long and I don't want you to miss out. So, I'm giving this to you and I want you to enrol now. For this year. It's not too late."

Tears were making their way to my eyes as I looked at her. "Madison."

"Please," she said gently.

Nobody had ever cared this much for me before, nobody except her. I'd always known she considered me family, but there was playing family and there was actually being family. And nobody just handed somebody five grand unless they meant it. And Madison, especially, wouldn't do something like this unless she meant it.

My mum, my dad... they never cared. Not truly. And though Nick and Alicia would both argue that their mother had no emotions, I'd always think the opposite. This woman stood before me was the most sensitive person I knew.

Unable to answer with words, I nodded slowly before pulling her in for a hug so tight that I was certain I couldn't let go. She rubbed my back comfortingly before we both pulled away and I looked down at the envelope once more.

"I'm gonna pay you back," I promised, to which she instantly shook her head.

"No way. It's not a loan, Y/N, it's a gift."

I breathed out slowly, laughing to disguise from my embarrassment at crying with happiness. She may have gifted it to me, but I knew I'd pay her back one day anyway. For everything.

"I'm so so proud of you, sweetie," she said, resting a hand on my shoulder and making me look at her again. "You're gonna do amazing things one day and I can't wait."

More tears rolled down my cheeks and I felt an overwhelming happiness flood through me. I wasn't sure what I'd done to deserve this, but I was glad for it.

"Y/N, hon, can you go get Matt and Alicia? Dinner's ready," Madison called to me in the living room.

I glanced back at her from the couch. "Sure thing."

I would have much preferred not to, but I also knew I needed to get over myself about this whole Alicia thing, so I forced myself off the couch and headed upstairs to Alicia's room. Her door was almost closed, slightly ajar as per Madison's rule whenever Matt visited. I was about to enter, but I paused when I heard them talking in quiet voices.

"I just can't wait to leave already," Alicia was saying, which is what earned my attention because she sounded a little fed up. "Get as far away from them as I can."

"Not too far, I hope," Matt joked.

"Not too far, of course," Alicia agreed, before they both sighed in unison, and I cringed, knowing they'd probably just kissed.

I was going to stop lurking and just walk in, but I couldn't help but overhear as she continued. And I knew it was wrong to eavesdrop, but I had an instinct to just listen.

"I'm just tired," Alicia continued. "Looking after Nick, being mum's second priority, dealing with Travis..."

Travis was Madison's boyfriend, a recent part of the Clarks lives, and a better one, in my opinion, but of course Nick and Alicia didn't see it that way because their father's death was still fresh for them. Travis was a teacher at school, which is how Madison and him had met, so Alicia probably saw him more often than she wanted to.

"It's just easier to look after myself," Alicia finished. "I basically have been anyway."

"And what about Y/N?" Matt asked curiously.

"What about her?"

"You wanna get away from her too?"

I held my breath as I awaited her response, the second of silence killing me.

"Of course not," she said matter-of-factly, which had me relieved for a moment before she unfortunately continued, "but she won't leave here. And I can't hang around."

Definitely not expecting that, I frowned and stepped back instinctively, but I must have made a sound as Alicia called out loudly.

"Is someone there?"

Flushing with embarrassment, I cleared my throat and pushed the door open, poking my head in, but I couldn't for the life of me meet any of their eyes. "Madison said dinner's ready."

"Oh, okay," she answered awkwardly.

"Matt, you can stay too," I added uncomfortably.

"Actually, I should head back," he answered, "but thanks for the offer."

I nodded and turned to leave, heading back downstairs and forcing myself to ignore everything I'd just heard. It wasn't my business anyway, and I shouldn't have been eavesdropping. It had just taken me by surprise is all, as Alicia had never expressed thoughts of leaving as strongly as she had just then.

When the Clarks and I sat together eating dinner, I felt Alicia's eyes burning holes into the side of my head, but I refused to meet her gaze. I still felt odd and I couldn't stop thinking about her words. Were her family that bad that she wanted to leave so quickly after graduation? Was I?

After dinner, once I'd helped Madison clear the table, I was on my way to get my jacket when Alicia suddenly pulled me to the side, out of sight from everyone else as we were alone in the living room.

"You heard me talking to Matt, didn't you?" she blurted out in a hushed voice.

I blinked, looking down at her hand which was still gripping my arm. She let go once she realised, and I played dumb.

"No, I didn't."

She narrowed her eyes, studying me carefully as if debating whether to push it. Finally, she rolled her eyes and turned to leave, but I couldn't seem to just let it go.

"Are you really just going to leave?" I asked calmly. "Go as far away as you can?"

She sighed, pinching the bridge of her nose. "You don't get it."

"Then explain," I said with confusion. "Because it sounds like you're counting down the days until you get your diploma, then you're off."

She met my eyes, giving me a look. "It's not like that. But yes, I've been applying to colleges far from here."

I frowned, a little hurt that she'd never told me any of this before and that I'd found out the way I had. "Well, at least I know you'll get in, right? You're not dumb."

Her expression softened and she tried to touch me, but I backed up. "Y/N."

"You don't know how grateful you are, do you?" I said, a little sterner than I intended, but it was the only way I knew. "Your family. They're a little dysfunctional, sure, but they care. And the way you talk about them, like they're such a burden–"

"They are!" she snapped in a low voice, surprising me. "Nick is back on drugs, and who has to be there when he's coming back down? Me! I babysit him like he's the younger brother. And mum, she's always at his beck and call, but me? She couldn't care less!"

I scrunched my eyebrows together in shock. "Alicia, that's not true–"

"It is!" she exclaimed angrily. "You wouldn't know."

Her anger was contagious and I scoffed, shaking my head. "So, what? They're all a burden because they need you? Makes me wonder what you think of me."

"That's not fair," she said in a low voice.

"Isn't it? I won't leave here. Isn't that what you said?"

She opened her mouth, eyebrows raising with disbelief. "That's because it's true! You won't! This is your chance to get out, make a life away from this one, but you stay!"

"I won't, or I can't?" I answered, glaring at her with teary eyes. "In case you've forgotten, I have fucking nobody! No money, no family, nothing! I don't even have a freakin' car! Where the hell would I go? I'm only at fucking college because your mum felt sorry for me and gave me the money! So, of course I won't just leave. I can't!"

She'd never hinted she felt this way before and it was horrifying. Had I overstayed my welcome? I was technically an adult now, but I never thought... maybe I had pushed my luck. Either way, there was a way to tell me and this wasn't it. And now I felt humiliated, burning with anger and hurt and it was so much worse because it was coming from Alicia.

"Wait...," she murmured, eyes roaming my face as her expression softened and the reality of the conversation hit her. "Just wait. Y/N, I didn't mean it like that. I shouldn't have said that."

She attempted to touch my face, but I moved away and wiped the tears from my cheeks.

"It doesn't matter," I said, tired. "Forget it. Just– forget it."

"No, just– Y/N, wait, please, I'm sorry–"

Walking past her, I grabbed my jacket and didn't bother to stay any longer or hear her out. Clearly, I wasn't wanted.

The next day, I was sat on campus eating lunch after class. It was supposed to be a well-needed moment of quiet in one of my favourite places – next to a park where some ducks always came out near the water and made for a lovely sight. I wasn't able to focus in class after everything that went on last night, so I thought a lunch alone in my favourite spot would help, but it was just my luck that I couldn't even have that.

A familiar figure began to approach the picnic bench I was sat on, not even giving me chance to open my sandwich.

"Hey," Alicia said when she stopped before the bench, looking nervous.

I sighed, dropping my sandwich. "How did you find me?"

She waved her phone in the air. "Find My iPhone."

I was seriously regretted enabling that function, but we'd all agreed to do so after we couldn't find Nick that one time when he went on a night out. Now, I just wanted to be alone.

"I want to apologise and I couldn't wait any longer," she said softly.

"Forgive and forget," I said dismissively, picking up my sandwich again. "You can go now."

"No," she said stubbornly, before taking a seat opposite me. "Y/N, I'm so fucking sorry. I never meant to say what I did. I didn't mean it like that at all. You were right. I have more than most and I took advantage of it. I guess I just wanted to start fresh."

"Yeah, without everyone," I reminded her, looking between her eyes. "Without your family. Without–"

"Not without you," she stated with an apologetic look. "Never without you."

I wanted to believe her – she'd never lied to me before, but after everything she'd said... there had to be some truth to it.

"I applied for colleges here too," she shared, resting her hand on mine on the table. "I don't know where I'm going or what I'm doing, but I'm not trying to run away. You're all my family. I love you."

I swallowed hard, looking down. "Maybe I don't get it. Not fully. But I just thought–" I paused, not even sure what I was trying to say. "I don't know."

She squeezed my hand gently, earning my attention. "The best thing that could have happened to me is us taking you in as one of our own. The last thing I wanted was to make you feel any less."

I sighed, hating how much I cared about what she thought of me. About what all of the Clarks did. But they were all I had.

"I'm so sorry," she repeated. "I never meant to upset you and I've been kicking myself since I said what I did."

I nodded slightly, resting my other hand on hers in reciprocation. "It's okay. I get it. Your situation is tough and you had to grow up a lot faster because of Nick... I've tried to help ease that burden for you, but Nick can get out of control sometimes, I know."

"I appreciate it," she said, but I wasn't looking for acknowledgement, I just wanted her to be okay.

"I'm sorry, too," I told her. "The whole making your problems seem smaller thing wasn't cool."

"Thank you," she said with a nod of acceptance.

"Wherever you choose to go to college, I'll still be here for you," I promised her. "Whether it's Timbuktu or around the corner."

She cracked a small smile, bringing a light to her eyes that I'd missed. "I know."

"Ideally not Timbuktu though," I added lightheartedly. "Flights would be a little pricey."

A quiet chuckle flew from her lips as she nodded. "Noted." Her smile reminded as she met my eyes hopefully. "I have a free period. Wanna eat lunch together?"

I returned her smile. "I'd like that."

19 years old...

Nick's MIA. Is he with you?

I read Madison's message with furrowed brows, both confused and worried for my best friend. It was the third time this month he'd gone rogue, worrying his whole family.

Attempting to call Madison, I cursed when she wouldn't pick up then dropped her a text to let her know he wasn't but that I'd update her if anything changed. Then, when I finally finished my morning classes, I gave Alicia a call as I waited for the bus.

"Y/N, what's up?" she answered straight away.

"Your mum just said Nick's missing again," I said, but before I could finish, Alicia was already speaking.

"He's been found," she assured me, though she sounded understandably pissed off. "They brought him into the hospital this morning. Idiot got hit by a car. No surprises what he was up to."

I chewed on my lower lip, worried. "Is he okay?"

I could imagine her eye roll as she said, "Considering he didn't get arrested, I'd say he was great." She paused, then her frustration left her tone as she said, "I've got class, Y/N. Can we talk later?"

"Of course," I said, feeling bad for her because this sort of thing had been happening a lot more than usual lately. "Sorry. See you later, Leashy."

"See you later."

I wanted to check on Nick, but he was in hospital overnight and when Madison offered to let me join her, Alicia and Travis to visit him in the morning, I couldn't afford to miss class. I almost did, but Madison assured me it was okay and he'd be fine, so I promised I'd visit later that afternoon. Only, when I tried to arrange it with Madison, they revealed he'd escaped the hospital without telling anyone.

Naturally, I was worried out of my mind, but Madison and Travis promised they were searching for him, so I shouldn't worry about it. Easier said than done, of course.

That same day, after class, I tried ringing Madison to see if there were any updates about Nick's whereabouts, but there was no answer.

By the time I'd stopped by to grab some lunch and headed home, I went straight for the Clarks house to check in. I was surprised to find Madison at home.

"Y/N, you're here," Madison said when she answered the door, immediately pulling me in for a hug. "I was just about to call."

Confused, I returned the hug. "Er, yeah... I just wanted to see if there was any news with Nick."

At this, she pulled me inside the house and that's when I saw the idiot himself stood in the living room. Relieved at the sight of him, but also concerned because of some bruises covering his face, I pulled him in for a hug.

"You fucking idiot," I muttered.

He hugged me tight, about to say something, but Madison spoke up instead.

"Alicia's calling... Y/N, can you just– can you watch him for a sec?"

"Sure," I said, still confused with why she was panicked. "Everything okay?"

It wasn't hard to miss the deadly stare she shot her son, who looked like he had a million and one things to say.

"What's wrong?" I asked him when I saw his ghastly expression and inability to stand still.

He simply shook his head, saying nothing, but he looked anxious. Madison left two of us alone, heading into the kitchen.

"You can be such an idiot sometimes," I scolded him once she was gone. "Using again? Getting hit by a car? Are you insane, Nick?"

He wasn't listening to a word I was saying as he took a seat on the couch, knees bouncing up and down with impatience. I rolled my eyes, knowing how this would go since he hadn't listened to me for a long time now.

"...no, Alicia, don't touch him!" Madison was saying, on a phone call but loud enough for us to hear.

She returned not long later, looking stressed out and as anxious as Nick did. Was I missing something?

"What's up? Is everything okay?" I asked her supportively. "Is Alicia okay?"

She brushed her hair from her eyes. "She's with Matt. He's sick."

"Yeah, a load of people were off sick today in class," I realised, before shrugging. "Maybe there's a bug going around."

Madison wasn't satisfied with that answer though, as she went to grab her car keys. "I'm gonna pick her up. I don't want her getting sick, too."

"I can get her her if you want," I offered, but she shook her head and glanced at Nick, who was sweating profusely.

"No. You stay with Nick. I won't be long."

Not really getting much of a choice, I nodded and watched her leave. Nick didn't reveal much, even when Madison left, but he seemed troubled by something and no amount of coaxing from me would help. He was suffering from withdrawals, just over twenty-four hours passing since he'd taken anything, and the symptoms were making themselves known.

After what felt like forever, Madison returned with an irritated Alicia in tow. Though, as soon as she saw me with Nick, her irritation disappeared.

"He's not doing too well, Madison," I told the blonde, kneeling beside a shivering Nick.

"I'm gonna get him his prescription," Madison assured me, before looking between Alicia and I. "You girls look after him. Travis will be here soon with Liza and Chris, so keep an eye out."

Alicia and I exchanged confused looks. Why was Travis bringing his ex-wife and son back here? And what was Madison so worried about, apart from Nick?

"You're gonna make me stay here and look after this idiot when Matt needs my help?" Alicia asked her mum.

"Alicia, don't argue this," Madison said knowingly. "Stay put, okay?"

She didn't wait for a response as the door slammed behind her when she left. I sighed, using a damp cloth to cool Nick's forehead. Meanwhile, Alicia threw her backpack on the floor before looking to me.

"Can you watch him? I wanna check on Matt," she said.

"I–"

"No," Nick groaned, pushing me away as he struggled to sit up. "Mum said you have to stay."

Alicia rolled her eyes. "You've got Y/N."

"Is he okay?" I asked her, noticing her worry behind her mean girl facade.

"He's sick," she said with a frown. "Didn't show for our date in the park and that's why I went to check on him. His parents are out of town, Y/N, I can't just leave him."

The last thing I wanted to do was go against Madison's request, but I truly didn't see the harm in her checking on him.

"Okay, fine," I gave in with a nod. "Go. I'll watch Nick."

She smiled appreciatively before making her way to the door, but Nick didn't seem to like this as he forced himself to stand up.

"Alicia, no!" he shouted after her, making her roll her eyes. "You can't, Alicia, it's not safe!"

"Nick, sit down!" I shouted at him when he leaned against the couch for support. "Nick– Nick!"

I screamed his name when he fell to floor suddenly, convulsing, and Alicia was by my side in an instant, helping me help him.

Alicia and I sat on the two armchairs, exhausted and nervous as we watched Nick laying on the couch, sleeping. Madison still wasn't back with his meds and, considering we'd almost watched him choke to death on his own vomit, we were pretty impatient for her return.

"You okay?" I checked in with Alicia.

Her green eyes flickered from Nick to me. "No. You?"

I sighed, shaking my head. "You thinking about Matt?"

She nodded weakly.

"I'm sure he's fine," I tried to put her at ease. "Have you tried calling him? Maybe his parents are back."

"He won't answer," she said monotonously.

I frowned, unsure what else to recommend. Thankfully, keys were rattling at the front door and in walked Madison with Nick's meds.

"I've got it," Alicia said, grabbing the bag and attempting to wake up Nick.

"Y/N, have you checked on your mum?" Madison asked randomly.

I quirked a brow. "Er, no. Am I supposed to?"

She glanced out the window uneasily. "There's a lot going on out there. Just do it, hon."

Already knowing I'd regret it, I gave my mum a ring there and then, to which she picked up after a few rings.

"Mum? It's Y/N," I said, in case she happened to be too drunk to read her caller ID. And woo-hoo, guess who was right?

"Y/N?" she asked with confusion, before exclaiming with realisation, "Y/N! What do you want?"

Unsurprised at this point, I said, "Where are you? Are you coming home?"

She laughed, though it was hard to make out because of the sound a man talking nearby, giving me the creeps. "I'll be on my way soon. Don't wait up."

I rolled my eyes. "Right. See you later."

Once I hung up, I realised Madison was still waiting to hear an update.

"She's drunk," I told her the usual. "But she's gonna be back soon."

She nodded distractedly, before saying, "When she comes home, you need to check if she's sick. And if she is, you shouldn't touch her."

"Mum," Alicia said disapprovingly, before I could even think to speak. "Not now."

I shook my head with confusion, looking back to Madison. "What?"

"This sickness, it's spreading," she said with concern. "I don't want you getting sick, too. Just promise me you'll check, okay?"

Alicia scoffed, unimpressed at her mum's ignorance.

"I promise," I told her. "Besides, she'd have to actually make it home first..."

#alicia clark x reader #alicia clark imagine #alicia clark x you #alicia clark #alycia debnam carey #feartwd #fear the walking dead #fear the walking dead imagine

[odetodilfs]

I was wondering if you could do a fan fic where joel and tommy are traveling but it takes place 20 years before they meet Ellie and they meet someone along the way. they don’t trust him at first but joel starts catching feelings. you could make it smut or fluff it doesn’t really matter based on your previous pieces of work you seem to be a good writer

Please and thank you

Let myself loose

I loved this request so much!! It was super cute to write and overall just amazing, far better than my usual smut. Lots of fluff too!!

Pairing: bottom Joel Miller x top m!reader Warnings: Breeding, mentions of crying, implied homophobia, soft Joel deserves his own warning.

Joel had always lived with his attraction to men, he knew it, he acknowledged it, he just never told anyone, Texas wasn’t a good place to be queer, so he just pushed down his attraction to men and tried to focus on raising his daughter Sarah instead. It worked out alright for him, he was happy with her. That all changed one day though. After Sarah’s death which he mourned greatly, he and Tommy traveled across the US. Their travels made them closer as brothers and it helped Joel not be as stuck on Sarah’s death. They traveled the country and eventually got used to living in a world where rations were the norm and where vines growing on buildings was nothing out of the ordinary.

You on the other hand had no family and lived in New York, when the pandemic hit, you embraced your identity as a queer man and eventually when New York became deserted, you realized surviving winter there was not going to be easy, so you went further south towards milder climates. You had walked for days and you were exhausted, a clicker had messed up your car engine while you slept so you couldn’t use your car, there, you met Joel and Tommy, “Hey- guys-” you said tiredly, Joel instantly held up a weapon, “Hey, hey, calm down” Tommy said, grabbing the knife in his hand, “Let him talk” “Well, I’ve walked for days, and I’m super hungry…” you said, “and I’m alone” you said, trying to convince them to take them with you, “Do we trust him?” Joel asked, still worried that you might mean harm,” “He’s limping, Joel” Tommy replied almost sassily, “let’s help him” he said, helping you walk.

Joel had eyed you more now and something in him started to tell him, “Help that man walk, don’t let your brother do it” the voices in his head got louder as Tommy got closer to you, “No worries, Tommy, I’ll do this” he said, grabbing your arms and holding you up, “This good?” he asked, he couldn’t help but smile a tiny bit, “Yes, thank you, you have no idea..” you thanked them.

One thing you noticed about these two men was how incredibly good looking they were, but the Joel guy… he was incredible, that mustache, the brown eyes and the way he probably just wanted someone to hold him, he also smelt good, which was another plus for him, you learned the two men were brothers and also learnt Joel had recently suffered from his daughter Sarah’s death. 

“Oh- oh shit man I’m so sorry” you said, patting him on the shoulder, Joel was trying hard to not sob, “Hey, it’s alright to cry” you reassured him, but he just blamed it on the ashes in the fire in front of you, “He’s like that” Tommy stepped in, but he’s a nice fella, anyway, where are you from? We come from Texas,” “New York” you said, “Nice, nice” Tommy kept talking, you could tell Joel was zoned out, probably still mourning Sarah. Joel was also paying attention to every word you were saying, you had caught him and he didn’t know why, but he was just so interested in everything you had to say.

However, the two brothers still distrusted you and it was clear enough, you sometimes caught them talking to each other and acting like they weren’t as soon as they saw you. But Joel started to like you more, eventually fully trusting you more. He noticed himself looking at you for longer than he should have, Tommy sometimes telling him what was the matter with him and why he was zoning out so often, Joel was starting to have to face the reality that he had caught feelings for you.

Your feelings for Joel also continued to grow, you had managed to see another side of him, you went to sleep every night, imagining what those sweet, full looking lips tasted like, holding Joel as physically close as possible, things like those were what made you smile, you had tried to be extra flirty with him, but he just didn’t catch onto your flirting. Tommy decided to part ways and started to live in a city, it was clearly hard for Joel who wanted to keep traveling, but Tommy was tired of walking around, he wanted to settle down, have his own kids. Luckily, you were there for Joel, and he realized he had no choice but to trust you blindly, you and him became like best friends to each other, you were the only thing you both had, which just strengthened your feelings for each other even more. The tension between you two could be cut with a knife, if someone had been with you they definitely would’ve just asked you to kiss already. One night, it was super cold, like your bones start aching kind of cold, and when you were sleeping in a house with no windows, the cold had no trouble getting in, you got to thinking and realized the only way for you to sleep would be to cuddle with Joel, and upon further notice, it was a chance to cuddle him as well, “Joel, I’m fucking cold” you complained, following your plan, you looked at him, he started removing his jacket, he was always so selfless, just one element of the endless list of things you liked about him, “No, you fucking silly, we should… sleep close to each other” you cut yourself off right before saying cuddling, “No, take my jacket” Joel protested, he loved the idea of cuddling you, but he was too nervous, he didn’t have enough confidence, “For fuck’s sake Joel, I said no” you complained, going closer to him, Joel felt himself getting weak as you approached.

You snuggled in close to him, Joel immediately tensed up at the feel of your body warming him up, you turned around so you could see his face, your lips were mere centimeters from each other, “Joel-” you started saying, “Thanks for doing this to keep us warm” he said, still tense, trying to change the topic

“Joel, I know you want to kiss me” you continued, Joel hadn’t done a very good job at keeping his feelings for you hidden… he didn’t reply, he started to panic, you realized you had to make the first move, so you grabbed his head and kissed his lips firmly but sweetly. His lips were amazing, the way your tongues were against each other, the way he tasted, the soft, faint whimpers he let out as he finally gave into the pleasure he’d wanted to feel for so many months. When you pulled apart, Joel still had his eyes closed, he gradually opened them, “I-” he started 

“Joel, it’s alright, I’ve wanted it for months too, you’re the most beautiful man I’ve seen” you confessed as you ran your hand along his cheek, there was a tear rolling down his face, “And I mean it, you could say I love you, the way you get dimples everytime you smile, the way you laugh, the way your face looks so cute when you zone out,” you said, then, he said what you’d dreamed that he’d say one day, “I love you too,” he confessed as he held you, “I’m just so damn afraid of losing you, or maybe I wanted to give this  Sarah business some time, but I’ve loved you ever since I helped you walk when we met” he confessed, his eyes glowing with happy tears, “Now… cuddling sounds good, but don’t you think we can warm ourselves up doing something more… active?” he said, flirting as he stroked your inner thigh, you hadn’t pictured him as the type to flirt, but your dick was getting hard at his words…

“Joel-” you moaned, “I’ve wanted to do this for so, so, fucking long,” he breathed out, “Then do it” he didn’t quite know what to do, it was his first time with a man, but his legs naturally spread for you, you looked at him, you didn’t really mind who was a top and who bottomed, but the way Joel’s legs spread out for you gave you a view of his ass, you wanted to fuck him, be inside him, “It’s my first time with a man-” he moaned, “It’s alright Joel, but we don’t have lube, you’re gonna have to suck me first so I’m lubed enough for you to take me” “Sure, darling” he said, moving down your body and taking out your cock, the cold air hit it but immediately went into Joel’s warm, waiting mouth. Joel sucked your dick and it was the first time he’d sucked a cock, but he was surprisingly good at it and kept trying to swallow your cock, you were shaking in pleasure, his mouth felt amazing, your dick was twitching in his throat. He was extremely eager, you could tell he was trying to lube you up as fast as possible, he was taking your cock so well down his throat, but you felt your orgasm getting close, “F-fuck- Joel, if you don’t stop I’m gonna-” you whimpered, he immediately took your cock out of his mouth, “Are you lubed up now?” he asked so prettily, your dick glistening with his spit, “We could try” you said, taking some of the slick on your dick and putting it on your fingers, then pulled Joel’s pants down, his hole was exposed to you. You started putting your fingers inside him to loosen up, he just moaned and begged for more, being as loud as he wanted to, he was confident no one was around, when you had two fingers buried in his ass, you finally found his prostate, he yelped in pleasure and threw his head back, “Is that good, Joel?” you asked sweetly, “Y-yes- m-more- again-” he whimpered, “As you say, my love” you went back to fingering him, then pushing a third finger in, there was a lack of lube, so you had to be extra gentle with him, but you managed.

As you started to go inside him, he whimpered, you held his hand, “Shh my love, I’m right here” you reassured him,

“This isn’t a one time thing, tell me it’s not a one time thing please” he begged, totally seriously, “it won’t be” you kissed him, “I love you, Joel” you whispered, your dick kept going further inside him, “Oh fuck-” Joel moaned as tears came out of his eyes from happiness and pleasure, “Shhh, it’s alright, you’re taking me well my dear, so well…” you reassured him, your cock brushed past his prostate and he breathed in sharply. His ass felt so warm around your dick, and the way he clenched slightly was giving just the right amount of pressure on your dick.

You moaned as you started thrusting into him, Joel’s eyes shut tight in pleasure, your dick getting closer to orgasm with each thrust, “Please-” he begged, having no idea what he was begging for, all he knew, was that he wanted to be with you for the rest of his life, “What do you want, my sweet Joel?” you asked him, “Ngh-” Joel moaned, he started looking you in the eye, his eyes were wide open just like his mouth, he started breathing hard and Joel came a lot, he was having the best orgasm of his life as you continued fucking into him, the way he clenched around your cock so tightly made you scream in pleasure as well and cum inside him, making him yours. 

You pulled out, “Did you like that?” you asked, smiling

“I loved it” he said, cuddling you and putting his clothes back on, “Better now? Not cold?” he chuckled “No” you said as you laid your head on his chest, “Were you serious?” he asked, “When you said you loved me?” “I was, I’ve loved you for long enough, I couldn’t repress it anymore” you confessed, “But… what if I’m not enough for you?” Joel started, “You are enough for me, Joel,” you said as you brought him in for a soft, sweet kiss on the lips, “you’re everything I’ve ever wanted, a man to love, as we cuddle after sex, but maybe not in a post apocalyptic world, but I’m happy for once, and it’s because of you” you said, “I love you” he simply said and held you to him as he sobbed into your shoulder, “I don’t want to lose you” he said, worried for you, “You won’t, we’ll travel the country together, proudly holding hands, cause no one will be there to call us names, we’ll be free” you held his hand, “We will be” Joel said as he started to fall asleep, “Goodnight, babe” he said, “Goodnight my love, sleep well” you said, now both of you warm.

#joel miller #joel miller smut #joel miller fluff #joel miller x male reader #pedro pascal #pedro pascal x male reader #pedro pascal characters #tlou #gay #x male reader #gay love

[shadowbriar]

George Weasley - Nothing’s Gonna Hurt You Baby

Pairing : (F/M) || George Weasley x Reader Word Count : 1.5k Warning : Astraphobia. PTSD. Synopsis : The war took something from everyone and it certainly took a big part away from George Weasley. Notes : I have never experienced PTSD nor do I have Astraphobia, so if any part in this writing offends anyone, or if any approach of the plot is not right to how you should take care of someone with PTSD, please let me know and educate myself better. If you like this story and would like to support me, please visit my kofi page and perhaps get me a coffee?☕

The tapping of raindrops to the window pane and the blaring thunder outside were getting louder. The air turns chilly, making the comfort she was feeling transient. She was never a big fan of thunderstorms, it was a common knowledge to the people around her, yet from the long list of discomfort she could point out, not one compares to the worry she's feeling, looking at the restless body moving in his sleep.

She has her hands around him, rubbing his back and whispering soothing words though she wasn't sure he could hear her through his sleep. He's been having more nightmares lately. The kind that wouldn't let you get back to sleep from the fear of it replaying in your head. The dark circles under his eyes were more prominent, so were the wrinkles on his crestfallen face. He would always pretend that he was alright during the day, masking his misery with wide grins that never seem to leave the same creases around his eyes and throwing jokes that he would half-heartedly laugh after. The war took something from everyone and it certainly took a big part away from George Weasley.

He knows that he's one of the lucky people to not have lost anyone in his family. A lot of people has it harder than him, hence all the façade of acting all tough and belittling his troubles, yet the more he bottles his emotions, the more it haunts his nights. Too many lives were lost then. Friends, people he used to see on the daily during his school years, laid limp underneath the rubbles of the crumbling castle. George couldn't shake the smell of blood and smoke polluting his chest, no matter how much he tries to cough it out. The ringing in his ear from explosions and jinxes thrown from every directions never seemed to leave his head. It was as if his soul was still stuck there, feet planted in the never ending horror.

When George finally opened his eyes, his shirt was already soaked in sweat and cheeks stained of tears. He looks at her with broken eyes, just like the previous nights before when she would be the first thing he sees after breaking loose of his nightmare, with her worried eyes and soothing warm smile, ready to ease his troubles away.

“I-I'm sorry,” He whispers, closing his eyes as he pulls her closer “I don't know what's wrong with me.. I keep on– I keep on having these nightmares, and–”

“Shh, don't apologise, Darling, it's alright.” She coos. She could hear the rapid beating of his heart in his chest, the heavy breathing he's doing, and see the still tensed muscles on his arms. The war is still beating him black and blue, even after its end a couple months ago “I'm right here, George. Nothing’s going to hurt you, baby.”

—-

The rain lasted till morning with thunder accompanying her like a loyal partner. It was impossible for her to get back to bed, no matter how close she rested her head to his chest and try to deafen the storm with his heartbeat, she simply couldn't drift back off to sleep. So when the sun finally peeks through the thick grey cloud and mutes the terror the night has brought to her, she gently pry herself off of her lover's embrace and head down to the kitchen, preparing tea to welcome their morning.

She was tired, both physical and emotionally. The nightmares George has been having is starting to haunt her too. It pains her to see him trying to battle his demons alone. Not that she knows what to do, but George has always been the kind of person who finds peace in sharing his troubles with others, especially her. To know that he's keeping his time bomb of troubles in his sleeves is worrying her.

“Morning.”

“Good morning, my love,” She greets warmly, staring at his weary physique with warmth and adoration “I made tea, would you like some?”

George shakes his head, still standing on his spot. He looks to the window. Beads of raindrops race each other down, becoming a bigger drop as it touches one another. His ginger brows were knitted together at the sight, “It rained last night.”

“It did,” She answers “We cuddled, I didn't feel the least bit scared.”

He nods in acknowledgement. As easy as it is for her to read him like an open book, George could sniff out her lie even when it was still at the tip of her tongue. He loves her more than words could ever describe and knows her better than herself so in an attempt to shield her lie, she looks down to her cup of tea and taps on it.

They stayed in silence for minutes. It was the kind of silence where you know something would happen, that you have to embrace yourself for whatever it may be. A very odd feeling to have since after all the years they've been together, not once has there ever been a time where she has to wonder what George would say next. The anxiety creeped into her like a silent killer that would stab her anytime soon in the chest.

“Darling,” George calls softly with his voice breaking “Would you hold me, please?”

“Of course, my love. Should we get back to bed?”

“No,” He shakes his head “Can we do it on the sofa instead? I need some time away from our bed.”

“Of course, George. Anywhere you like.”

And so she stood from her seat, walking to him and holding his hand as they walked to the sitting room. He looks utterly broken, like a child who's on the verge of breaking into tears. Once they positioned themselves on the sofa, with him now inside her warm protective embrace, George breaks down and cries. He buries his face on the crook of her neck, trying to distract his mind with her sweet scent but it only fueled his tears. The dam has finally broken.

“I'm sorry,” He chokes out “I don't know what's wrong with me.”

“It's okay, Darling, I understand. Don't apologise.”

“I– I should've been there for you last night. I should've protected you.. Protect you from the rain.” He sobs, stuttering as he struggles to keep his breathing “I'm a bad boyfriend. I don't deserve you. I'm so sorry.”

George begins to say those three sentences repeatedly, blaming himself over his absence due to the battle he's still entangled in. It pains her to hear his words, to know that despite all the torture he's suffering in, he's still thinking about her fear and how he wasn't able to provide his best support like he used to. She wished that she could take his pain away, kiss it goodbye and heal the wounds he's hiding from her but it seems like George isn't at the state where he realises just how deep of a void he truly is in.

“I hate myself,” He says, now rubbing the tears away from his eyes as his emotions gradually waters down “I don't know what's wrong with me, I have never been like this before.”

“George, sweetheart,” She calls, gently lifting his face so he could see her “Don't blame yourself for feeling this way alright? Your emotions are valid. You're trying to show that you're strong, and I know that you are, but that doesn't mean that you have to ignore and bottle the sadness and pain you have away, okay?”

He looks away, feeling ashamed from her gentle words.

“Darling, look at me,” She says as she turns his head back to face her “I love you. Every version, every part, every piece of you. I'll always be here with you, no matter what happens, okay? We'll get through this together, I promise you.”

“But I don't want you to take care of this shitty version of myself. I want us to be happy, to be in love. I don't want to burden you with my troubles, it's unfair.”

“Being with you makes me the happiest, George Weasley,” She says as she plants a soft kiss to his lips “And I am in love, with you, with our lives, everything. You're not burdening me with anything, my love. I just need you to trust me and let me in, and we'll work this out together, alright? I promise you that.”

He buries his face back to her neck, “I don't deserve you.”

“Perhaps,” She jokes, making him let out a small chuckle “And you certainly don't deserve my tea that now has certainly gone cold.”

“I'll make you a new one,” He bribes with a smile, looking up and giving the corner of her lips a peck “And I'll make breakfast, too.”

“Will you now?”

“Mhm,” He nods, kissing the tip of her nose “But would you please stay by my side? I feel like I need your constant presence today.”

She nods, gently combing through his strands of fiery hair, “Of course, my love.”

And so begin their journey to tend to each other’s wounds. The road is rocky ahead, only getting harder and steeper than the previous, but they were never in a rush. Through all the tears and blood shed, they knew that love would flourish. Their baby steps will eventually measure into something big by the end of the day and that’s all that really matters.

#george weasley #george weasley oneshot #george weasley angst #george weasley fluff #george weasley fanfiction #george weasley fanfic #george weasley imagine #george weasley imagines #george weasley scenario #george weasley scenarios #george weasley x reader #george weasley x you #george weasley x y/n #george weasley x oc

[igotanidea]

I won't hurt you : Dick Grayson x f!reader

Warning: well, this gif was not chosen by accident, duh, SMUT, insecurities, MINORS DNI!

Being intimate with someone was always hard to imagine for me. Ok, I may have been deeply in love with Dick Grayson but the thought of him making love to me was just too much. I mean, he was the Nightwing. Flawlessly looking, perfectly sculptured, all muscles and trained and toned figure. Me? Not so much. Most of the times when I looked inn the mirror it was like a prick of conscience that I’m not doing more to look better.  That my body was far from good looking. All those imperfections, insecurities and my internal critic screaming at me that I don’t deserve him. I might have been a good person inside but my outside was making me feel terrible. Not to mention that one too many times I’ve heard (and that coming from the people who were my closest family, apparently) that I was fat and waste of space. I used to shrug it off casually not letting anyone show how much it hurt, but the truth was that it did. One of the worst feeling ever – trusting someone enough to show that vulnerable side that was later on used against you, just to cause pain and make you feel this sharp pain inside. So, with such experiences it was always hard for me to let people in. Both emotionally and especially physically.

I knew Dick loved me, I did. But knowing was something far different from letting him see me whole. All that parts I hated, which pretty much was all of them. What if he gets disgusted? What if he change the way he see me? God! All those thoughts were just spinning inside my mind. It was harder than I expected.

So when the time came, after a lot of convincing it was time for us to get intimate.

“YN” he said lightly stepping forward and pulling me close.

I couldn’t even look him straight into the eyes, my heart beating so loud I couldn’t breathe properly. My eyes were everywhere but on him.

“Baby, look at me” he spoke softly but I just shook my head, clenching my fist unwillingly and closing eyes. That was when I felt his lips on my forehead, his hands starting to caress my back softly, slowly,  trying his best to help me relax in his arms. But the more he tried to give me comfort and support the more I started to shake and quiver. “I am not going to hurt you” he whispered, his mouth now hovering over mine, mere centimeters apart and  that finally made me open my eyes and look at him. There were just pure love and concern and softness on his face, quite a rare view, given his alter ego and night works. “I love you” he added.

“I know” I gasped and much to my embarrassment started crying. “I’m sorry….” I panted trying my best to stop the tears from falling “I just…. I don’t think I know how to be loved …..” I clenched my fist even more since that was what I used to do to keep myself strong.

“Don’t” he took my hands in his making me unclench them, preventing me from hurting the palms with the fingernails. Holding me close to his chest to the point where I was hiding my face in his shirt making it wet but he just didn’t care, stroking my hair gently. “It’s ok. Everything is all right. We can wait. I can wait. I won’t push you to do anything, I swear.”

Why was it so hard? I felt so safe in his embrace like he was the one who could shield me from the entire world, protect me from whatever danger might be coming so why couldn’t I let my guards down and just let him love me?! What was wrong with me?! Any other girl at my place would just jump into his arms without hesitation. Any other girl would fall straight to her knees in front of him. Fuck, there were a line of them, waiting to get into his bed. And I was just a freaking out because he was about to love me.

“Dick, I am so sorry.” I repeated “It’s not ok, not at all. You are so good to me and I’m just…..I don’t know. You can have any girl you want and I’m…..

“Stop it. I don’t want any other girl I just want you. you hear me? Only you.” he grabbed my chin and made me look at him, opening his mouth to say something more but seeing the look in his eyes I just decided to stop thinking. Before he could say anything I leaned into him, connecting our lips. This kiss was sloppy and shy. At first. Of course it was not the first time we were making out but this was different, knowing where we were heading. Acting so out of character I gave up the control leaving the driving to him and he was more than willing to take the wheel as he started to deepen the kiss making it more heated, more passionate and  faster. Almost like he wanted to take all the bad thoughts and fears rooted so deep inside me. Before I realized what was happening he lifted me up, wrapping my legs around his hips making me feel how hard he already was and I squeaked with both surprise and sudden  fright. This was really happening.

“Is everything ok?” He pulled back immediately eyeing me with so much care.

“Yes. Yes. Don’t stop. Don’t make me think” I pulled him back to me by his neck and connected our lips again. I had no idea what I was doing but one think I was sure that the second I let my thinking consume me again my mental barrier will reappear as well. The only way was to take a leap of faith. Good thing Dick was more experienced on the field. He knew exactly what and how to do.

“I won’t.” he gasped as his mouth moved to my neck, gently sucking on the skin, sending shivers down my spine. “I will make you feel good. I promise.” Oh, he already was, slowly walking backwards towards the bedroom with my legs still wrapped around him, so I was hanging onto him like a koala. When we reached the edge of the bed he sat down with me on his lap, his nimble fingers playing with the hem of my shirt. “May I?” he murmured against my skin and almost hypnotized by all his actions  I nodded letting him expose me. “You are perfect” he repeated as more and more skin were showing. Next, still kissing me, he took my hands in his guiding them to unbutton his shirt and slowly, oh so slowly slid it down his strong toned arms, leaving his perfect abs exposed.  I was now so hot, pretty sure I was blushing like crazy “You are so perfect” he said once again, lips on mine, as my hands on their own volition started wondering around his chest and neck, feeling his pulse rising. “I want you YN. Will you let me love you like you deserve? Please, be mine…..” Dick leaned his forehead on mine and I nodded again. “I need you to say it out loud……”

“Yes. Just please don’t …..”

“I won’t hurt you. Just say a word and I stop. It’s ok, it’s all ok….” He gently laid me down, not breaking the kiss, his hands moving down my sides, settling on my waist and I shuddered again feeling the warmth coming from his body.

“Dick…..” I moaned, being so embarrassed with myself, he did barely anything and I was already a mess.

“I am here. I love you. Everything is all right. You are so perfect, so good…. We don’t have to rush. Just tell me what you want…..” he whispered, being as vocal as usual, just way more horny.

“You. I want you, Dick. I love you too….. ” I was still so scared, but slowly with every touch of his hands and lips he was making it go away. “I’m sorry. I’m so pathetic….” I covered my face with hands. A whiny and needy girl was surely nothing he wanted.

“You are wonderful” he grabbed my hands making me look straight at him. “don’t hide from me. I love seeing you coming apart already. All mine, all for me.” His eyes darkened with lust and I felt my insides clenching for him and my pussy throbbing and out of instinct I hooked my arms around his neck pulling him closer. At the time his hands slid around my back unclasping my bra and slowly massaging my bare breast making me moan into the kiss as he smiled.

“God. I’m so crazy for you” his lips replaced hands as he sucked on my nipples sending another wave of pleasure all over me. I arched my back turning into pure want and need.

“Dick….” I moaned feeling him playing with the zipper of my pants “don’t tease…..”

“Are you sure?” how was it possible for him to stay so in control while I was just overwhelmed with the sensations he was giving me.

“Yes, please.” I gasped as he slid the pants and underwear alongside my legs and pressing our bodies even closer together, skin to skin. “Fuck!” now I felt his hardness against my bare femininity. All but him forgotten, feeling nothing but his body against mine, his hands and lips on every inch of me. Brain off. Mental shutdown. All of a sudden everything seemed so natural, so beautiful. He was here, he wanted me, he didn’t think I was flawed or broken. And I wanted him too. All of him. Despite that little alarm that went on in my head as the unbuttoned his own jeans and his cock sprung out hard, swollen and ready, I pushed my thoughts away.

“Focus on me.” He breathed out, hovering over me, intertwining our fingers, completely overwhelmed by hunger of me “are you ready, baby?”

“Yes. Please. Make me yours. Just…. go slow.”

He smirked and complying with my request carefully started to enter me. It was only the tip of his member but as he was stretching me and pushing against my hymen I squirmed beneath him.

“How are you feeling?” he asked, so mindful of my own mental state

“Good. Weird, but so, so good.”

“Do you need some time to….”

“No. No” I shook my head “give me more, please, please….”

He smiled like crazy and pushed some more. I felt the resistance coming from my body, unwilling to let him inside and dug my nails into his shoulders making him stop at the spot.

“You good, babe?”

“Yes. Yes, I just need a second” I slightly moved my hips to adjust “now, you can move and …. Ah!”  as he pushed past my cherry this new feeling just consumed me whole making me arch my back, and throw my head further into the pillows.

“Let me in.” he muttered lips ghosting over mine, bodies pressed together and at this point I had no idea where I ended and he begun. “That’s it, babe. You feel so good. You are all mine.  All mine….” He was repeating this word like a broken record, but it was just so hot and emotional I was just melting completely.

Due to my surprise within seconds he was just all in and went still, silently asking me for permission to move and as I granted it, started rocking his hips, at first carefully, gently but slowly picking up the pace, holding me so, so close to his, our bodies becoming one.

“Dick,….” I moaned “don’t…. stop….. feels so good.….. I’m gonna… I’m gonna…..” my words were now an incoherent blabbing, I wasn’t able to form proper sentence.

“Good, babe. Let it go. Cum for me…. I want to see you fall apart for me. Only for me….” He was desperately chasing his own high, but we both knew he wouldn’t let himself finish before me. “I love you so fucking much, my girl, my baby….”

I don’t know if it was the words or just one final snap of his hips but soon I felt my own orgasm overwhelm me, sending me over the edge, as Dick walked me right through it. It was exhilarating, knowing he was the one to make me feel this way, that he was the one to be next to me during this first time. He soon followed me with his own high gasping and panting in pleasure.

“Shit, babe. You feel so good, so perfect….” He finished and crashed me with his body falling down. He was heavy but at the same time I felt complete with his bodyweight on mine, my hands immediately embracing him as I needed something to hold on to and to ground myself. After a while however I was not able to breathe anymore and gently tapped his shoulder urging him to move up.

“I love having you like this bird boy, but you need to move. You are hurting me now…” I whispered playing with his chiseled hair and the word “hurt” made him start up.

“I’m so sorry, baby. Please forgive me, I got so lost in you….” he turned onto the side eyes fixed on mine with so much love, care and affection as he intertwined our fingers..

“ Don’t be sorry, Dick. You just gave me something I never thought possible. You walked right past my inhibitions. Thank you.” I smiled at him, exhausted but happy.

“I’m glad. “ he muttered pulling me in, my head resting on his chest listening to his calming heartbeat “I told you I won’t hurt you. I love you so much YN.”

“I love you too, boy wonder” I mumbled, slowly drifting off from all the overwhelm.

“Get some rest. I will be right here when you wake up, not going anywhere…..”

“What about the crime that doesn’t sleep?” I chuckled on the verge of sleep.

“Jason and the rest will take care of it tonight. I just need, no want to have you in my arms. I’m not leaving.

And that was a promise he kept, making me feel safe, loved, wanted and satisfied. Glad that my first time was with him.

@pinksirensong - I;m sorry I;m putting you through this......

btw I've just realised I forgot to tag you in a cuple of my latest updates <sorrry>

masterlist

#dc #dc imagine #dick grayson x reader #dick grayson imagine #nightwing x reader #nightwing x oc #dick grayson x you #nightwing x you #dick grayson #nightwing #dc titans #dc titans x reader #dick grayson fanfiction #dick grayson x y/n #nightwing x y/n #nightwing imagine #nightwing fanfiction

[kohakhearts]

goh starter trio meta perhaps? i was ensnared by the goh-scorbunny parallel subpoint in the cubone meta bc i'm making myself unwell thinking about how scorbunny latching on to goh and goh latching on to ash.... but also more generally, sobble's whole thing and the absolute tearjerker drizzile evolution episode, and goh's weird ass dream about his rillaboom parents and then waking up to baby grookey clinging to his arm, you get it, i know you're galaxy brained about this

YESSS I AM *SO* GLAD YOU ASKED!!

so my tl;dr here is that all of the galar starters represent something about goh specifically relating to his childhood. their growth and eventual evolution (or lack thereof!) therefore serve to highlight his character development (as an aside, i think this is a very common theme in anipoke. ash's pikachu not evolving speaks to the fact that ash's growth isn't about becoming someone new but about staying true to himself and embracing a battle style that reflects the creative ingenuity that, in the early os, other characters mocked him for. similarly, dawn's piplup chooses not to evolve because it doesn't want to change how things are between them. does this not seem fitting for the partner of someone like dawn, who has always admired her mother so much that she never even considering doing something other than following in her footsteps? i'm sure there are other examples, but these seem to me the most obvious ones!).

let's break down each one, then!

scorbunny

when we meet scorbunny, goh is still determined that mew will be his first pokemon. this is a point of stubbornness that, while impressive and arguably kind of admirable, is frankly kind of stupid. how is he supposed to get to mew without any pokemon to help him? there's an interesting implication in this resolution, which jn004 and jn005 really highlight for us - goh isn't comfortable with having a pokemon. he knows a lot about them, is interested in researching them, but as far as the bond between pokemon and trainer goes, i don't think he feels prepared for that. it's easier to pick a target that is far from reasonably attainable for him at this point, especially since he does have some history with mew - didn't it take an interest in him? didn't it give him a reason to chase after it?

so meeting scorbunny, he's obviously not thinking about catching it. but he lies to the guy at the scone stand, in an interesting parallel to how scorbunny steps in to protect the nickit. he doesn't even seem to know why he does it. but just before that scene, he sees scorbunny wipe some of the dirt off its face. he doesn't get the whole story and connect all the dots until after, but i think he realizes then that scorbunny is trying to hide itself in some way. that it's performing as something it's not. and on some unconscious level, that motivates him to lie for it. after, we get this whole exchange, where the scone seller tells ash and goh the story

and this note is what makes goh get up and approach scorbunny and the nickit:

it's very symbolic that he wipes the mud off scorbunny's face. and then later, he even points out when they see it again that it looks better without all the mud covering it up - it looks more like itself. it's not pretending to be something it's not. goh wiping the mud off its face is him saying that he accepts it as it is. that being resigned to living a certain way just to fit in or just because that's how it's always been is pointless.

and i mean...even ash says in this scene that the things goh is saying are things he's only recently learned himself, right? goh denies it (and tbh when he says that he's always thought the world is big and anyone can explore it if they want to or whatever - i don't think that's untrue! i think it's just that, prior to meeting ash, he didn't have it in him to explore it), but ash has a point. and what goh is doing for scorbunny here is the same thing that ash did for him.

relatedly, scorbunny follows him, right? in the same way that goh "accepts" ash as his friend, scorbunny chooses goh as its trainer. goh recognizes that it travelled far for him, that it saw a vision of its future with him, and changes his mind about not catching it. i think the determination he saw in scorbunny to chase after its dreams resounded with him, because he's only just started doing the same thing. and his entire character is built around this idea of like, learning how to adapt and how to let other people help you find the courage to chase your dreams (and even to help you chase them). how could he possibly deny scorbunny the same thing?

but while scorbunny's enthusiasm helps motivate goh to chase his dreams, he is very flippant and dismissive, as we see when it learns ember and he says it doesn't matter, that scorbunny doesn't need to know a fire-type move and this gut-punch of a line, of course:

goh is someone who needs a lot of convincing to do things he doesn't think he'll be good at (or enjoy). he only joins project mew because gary goads him into it. he spends most of his life refusing to make friends, because he had one bad experience. he's a fairly black-and-white thinker, which makes sense considering his background. he doesn't really believe in change. he especially doesn't believe that people (or pokemon, in this case) can change their circumstances just through hard work and determination. as we see in jn003 with the ivysaur, he also doesn't think that it's anyone else's place to intervene and "help" others. if you can't change something, then don't. and there's no point in hoping it'll change on its own, either.

when scorbunny storms off here, his expression is interesting. this isn't the expression of someone being judgemental. it's the expression of someone who sympathizes.

he sees scorbunny trying so hard to do something he thinks it can't do and thinks that scorbunny's determination to change things is, if i had to guess, kind of immature. a lesson scorbunny will have to learn, whether it wants to or not. at first it's kind of endearing, but then he actually gets frustrated, because he feels like scorbunny's determination to learn ember is harmful to them both. here, there's a degree of "why won't you just trust that i know what's best for you?" for sure, but on a deeper level, i think that stems from a place of "can't you see that i'm just trying to protect you?"

...but obviously, all he really does is wind up lashing out and hurting scorbunny's feelings. he tells ash that he was trying to draw out scorbunny's strengths (and he was, by telling it to use moves it was already good at!), but ash points out that their values weren't aligned and that's kind of the opposite of strength when it comes to pokemon battling. so he reassesses the situation and finds a way to bring out scorbunny's strength that also aligns with what scorbunny wants. that compromise is what makes scorbunny evolve. it was the right call! but then raboot starts ignoring him.

and this is like. a running gag with scorbunny - goh gets distracted by other things and doesn't notice that it's trying to show him things. it happens when they meet and it happens again in this episode with its ember. we see something very similar with goh and his parents in jn032 when he's excited at the prospect of their vacation together, but when he tries to ask what they want to do, he turns around and find they're both asleep (and we see the flashback of something similar happening last time, too).

with raboot, in a lot of ways, goh is grappling with...himself. or at least, the person he was before he met ash - cold and distant, more interested in doing whatever he thinks is worth his time than in school, for example. so if goh saw his child self in scorbunny, he sees his more "adolescent" (i mean. he's still ten so still child, technically. but older child lol) self in raboot. and he actually responds to this in a way that's a lot like how we see his parents responding to him. in jn022, we see him

buy a bunch of apples for raboot, even though he thinks it doesn't need them (and is hurt when it doesn't let him have one, despite raboot seeming pleased that he bought them for it). compare to the device he shows horace in jn032, for example, which he says his parents built for him. or his six computer monitors. his parents reach him best through material means!

question why raboot hates him when it's not responsive to his overtures. contrarily, goh's parents don't think he hates them; they just automatically assume the worst case scenario (like in jn015 when he calls and they immediately wonder if he did something and got kicked out of the institute). but while that's their worst case scenario about him, raboot hating him is kind of goh's worst case scenario, right? it took him time to open up and accept scorbunny as his partner. now that it's evolved and is acting differently, he's terrified that he came to care for it only for it to leave him.

which leads to my last point here, which is that he doesn't actually ask what it wants. in this episode, he concludes that raboot would be happier without him. so he leaves it behind, but he never actually considers how it might feel. goh's parents do the same thing! they worry about him, but they don't share their concerns or ask how he feels. they just assume that he must feel a certain way and they adapt to compensate for that. but they never actually ask him what he wants.

this episode ends with him realizing that he hasn't been reacting to raboot's feelings so much as to his own, of course, and we see their relationship smooth out quite a bit. he's acknowledging that he's done things wrong, but also that it's not all his fault - and raboot's change in temperment is just a consequence of it evolving. they accept each other again and move on.

then, it evolves into cinderace and kind of opens up again more (though it's been doing that little-by-little since jn022). i think the fact that raboot and riolu evolve at the same time was a really cool move by the writers to kind of demonstrate how like...the relationship between ash and goh is reflected in the growth of their pokemon. they trained together! in a way they kind of grew up together! riolu, ash's token baby pokemon in jn, evolving at the same time as goh's starter feels like a very deliberate choice to highlight how ash helped goh's pokemon grow, too - through getting the ball rolling with how he helped goh grow as a person and a trainer. if that makes sense?

anyway, i don't have much to say about cinderace, other than that if he saw himself as a child in scorbunny and as an older child in raboot, then cinderace's level of openness and its enthusiasm aren't just reflexive of it getting back more of its scorbunny-esque personality - it also shows how goh has changed and has learned to embrace these parts of himself, now that he's in that "coming of age" age (well, for pokemon. he is still only ten lmao).

i think we see something similar with his other starters, though maybe a little less on the nose.

sobble

the drizzile episode, as you mentioned, is probably Thing here. but i think the theme with sobble is sort of that, where scorbunny maybe reflects more of the way goh thought about growing up and his aspirations (and how hard it was to open up to people), sobble more so mirrors his social experiences at school and with chloe.

VISUALLY, i think it's really telling that when goh catches sobble, he's...literally speaking to it from the other side of the water:

this whole episode (jn028) is about goh kind of...forcing sobble into positions it's not necessarily comfortable with, and not realizing that it's uncomfortable until it runs away from him. as we saw with raboot, this is a common theme with goh - but it's most obvious with sobble!

he realizes, of course, and says this:

even in flashbacks, goh never comes across as a shy kid. he doesn't exactly relate to sobble, but i think he's drawing a parallel here between them. he wasn't shy, but he was always on the "outside" - that's why he's so good at researching. he strives to see things as they are without getting involved. eventually, this is something that will make him a pretty thoughtful and strategic battler, though at this point he's still learning how to apply that to more than just research for the sake of research.

and then after sobble meets inteleon, we have these bits too:

goh's childhood motivations on the surface appear to be like...he doesn't want to bother with friends, because they aren't going to be able to serve a purpose for him. he isn't interested in making friends with anyone who is less into pokemon than he is. but after what happens with horace, it seems to get a little more complex, and then we have to wonder if his motivations really were that surface-level to begin with, or if, maybe, his policy of not making friends has always been a way for him to protect himself from betrayals like he experienced with horace.

we see chloe as early as jn001 trying to convince him to make friends, to no success. she doesn't even refer to herself as his friend - he doesn't seem to be willing to let her. he believes he doesn't need friends and is better off alone. but he doesn't realize until after meeting ash that his solitude is more of a self-imposed exile, in that it's hurting him more than other people. he can't improve as a person and reach his goals if he's too busy trying to protect himself to accept that he needs help from other people to do those things. so, again - i think he sees that side of himself in sobble. so it feels very impactful that he reaches out to help sobble become a better battler, but rather than forcing it to battle in a way that makes sense to him, he comes up with a way to have it train that plays off of its strengths of running and hiding.

and then, of course, there's the episode where sobble evolves, jn062. the writers themselves do most of the work here of drawing the parallel between goh's childhood and how drizzile is feeling, but i think it goes even deeper than that. drizzile is unhappy because it wanted to evolve into inteleon, not into drizzile. it's not comfortable in its own skin. and it doesn't necessarily want others to see it, because it feels like it's still growing and it's not ready yet. it kind of just...needs time to sulk and brood. drizzile runs away again, because it's not ready, and while they're looking for it, it's chloe who makes goh start thinking about when he was a kid, by saying this:

which prompts him to think about how he was searching for a "reason" for why drizzile was acting how it was, just like how adults used to demand reasons from him even when he didn't have them. and then of course we get this scene:

but i think he does on some level know why, because he talks immediately after this about how his parents weren't home and often felt lonely. he's more comfortable being alone. he's protecting himself. which is reinforced by the fact that he then tells drizzile this:

goh has a hard time putting his feelings into words, which is something we see throughout jn. he sees that drizzile is the same and this is a huge moment for him, because he's saying here that it doesn't matter what inspired its feelings; he understands it is experiencing those feelings and that's enough. he'll wait until it's ready to fully process them or whatever else it needs. drizzile kind of returns the favour when he starts crying here and it reaches up to brush away his tears, then disappears again.

overall, this episode does an amazing job of showing us how goh has become someone who actually acknowledges his and his pokemon's feelings - this is the only time we see him as a child where he's not doing something to try to ignore his feelings, or trying to walk away from them. in flashbacks, his back is often to his parents. in jn032, he gets upset, and then tries to cover his disappointment up immediately with anger and avoidance. the writers set this scene up so that we can see the reason behind his feelings clearly (just like we can see the reason behind drizzile's, even though goh and co. can't), but they rightly emphasize that goh's ability to analyze "why" he or his pokemon are feeling a certain way isn't always helpful. emotions are meant to be felt, not intellectualized. it's a good message, and a huge area of growth!

drizzile's evolution into inteleon also shows us how this acceptance translates into it eventually being comfortable enough to be who it wants to be. and the characters are impressed by it - it even earns kecleon's admiration, the same way that other inteleon earned its when it was a sobble. this is a pretty clear mirror with goh's social life, where he went from being this friendless outcast figure to someone with a lot of friends, and a great willingness to make more, as he became more comfortable and confident and willing to reach out to others.

and lastly,

grookey

the only one of the three that doesn't evolve, for reasons that aren't ever really made clear to us. but i think that as random (...and tone deaf) as his dream sequence at the start of grookey's debut episode is, it actually makes a lot of sense. in the original, the dream has camille and walker transformed into rillaboom, and goh is understandably freaked out. but i think the bigger, more symbolic thing is that even if it is a dream, his parents are the ones that foist grookey upon him. this does seem like a really weird choice, until you start thinking about the parallels, right?

in reality, grookey is team rocket's pokemon. the episode title "when a house is not a home" tells us that grookey obviously doesn't feel like it "belongs" there. but the episode doesn't open in team rocket's base. it opens in goh's apartment. and the part i didn't show in the drizzile scene above is when he says this:

the fact that goh was home alone a lot as a kid gets brought up fairly often. it implies that he kind of had to adopt this lone wolf persona, because there was no one else around to take care of him. he had to learn how to console himself and meet his own needs (hence why he's so combative about ash intervening with the ivysaur in jn003!), which is a lot of responsibility for a kid. grookey is handed to him like it's a responsibility in his dream, but then they bond. and he starts to appreciate having grookey around, to the point that he misses it when it returns to team rocket.

to me, the choice to have grookey not evolve kind of comes down to grookey being kind of...emblematic of goh's childhood. like, in his dream, grookey is this burden that's forced on him. someone he has to take care of, even though he isn't really prepared to do that. in reality, grookey is escaping from an environment that doesn't meet its needs. putting those two things together, i mean...that's just my reading of it, anyway. so grookey not evolving, and goh accepting grookey as it is - without any of the "growing up" analogs we have with cinderace and inteleon - is a way of showing that goh has come to terms with his childhood and that he accepts (and cherishes!) his childhood self. which he can only really do after he's done all the growing we see reflected in the evolutions of his other starter mons. (relatedly, grookey is the only starter of goh's who goh considers leaving with other mons in its evolution line. specifically, with two thwackey and their child, i.e. a family unit not unlike goh's!)

anyway! this is a very long post, so thanks for sticking with me if you did. hope my takes are as galaxy-brained as you hoped hehe

#answered #*meta #pokemon #anipoke #goh #meta #phew sorry this took so long. it was all in my brain i just had to get it out there lmao #i think i also almost hit the image cap on this post so dhjfghjfdk #anyway i will die on this grookey hill 100%. i am SO glad they never evolved it :p

[razorblade180]

9 Days of Lancaster Day4: Nightmare

After a long trek through the desert and day full of reunions, the time to rest finally came. Ruby did her best to unwind and frankly that included late night eating. She didn’t realize how badly she missed Remnant food until she tasted it. Charmed by the taste of a sandwich, she was caught completely off guard noticing Jaune quickly stand up from the couch. Poor girl nearly joked!

Ruby:J-cough Jaune!?

Jaune:Oh…it’s just you. *sits down* Sorry. Hearing you spooked me.

Ruby:Are you sleeping on the couch?

Jaune:No. I was…deep in thought.

Even from here, Ruby could see the tiredness on his face and under his eyes. Leaving her sandwich on the counter, she walked over to Jaune and sat by him.

Ruby:Can’t sleep? Looks like we’re in the same boat. Though I would’ve turned on a little light.

Jaune:Didn’t want to wake anyone. It’s fine. You can keep eating. I’ll head to bed soon.

Ruby:…I thought we were passed putting on brave faces. It’s not like anyone won’t understand, right? A lot has happened. Too much; especially for you.

Jaune:Don’t sell yourself short. Are you…okay?

Ruby:I feel better than I used to and I know I’m capable of feeling even greater with time. I’d like to think I’ve gotten over the biggest hump.

Jaune:That’s good to hear.

Ruby:What about you?

Jaune:I’m trying not to dwell on past mistakes. Frankly, the things I see when I close my eyes are more about the countless days that followed. All the nights when I was…alone.

Ruby:…This isn’t me kicking myself or trying to deflect, but I really am sorry my plan didn’t go smoothly. I know we can’t plan for everything and there is good that came out of it. Still, the Ever After caused harm too.

Jaune:I’m sorry again, about yelling at you I mean. I’m also sorry you didn’t feel like you could come to me for-

Ruby:That’s on me. Really, it is. I can’t help but think back to before all of this. At Beacon, I told you we couldn’t afford to make mistakes because we’re leaders now with people that count on us. Looking back on it, that’s pretty bad advice. At the very least it’s damming.

Jaune:You spoke earnestly and said what I needed to hear to try my best. I’m thankful for that. Neither of us could’ve had known just how much we’d cling to that idea. Life is messy.

Ruby:Life is scary. Jaune, do you…see them in your nightmares? Sometimes I do.

Jaune:Not in a long time. At some point nightmare was what tomorrow brought. Also…I was more afraid of you. Of how you might look at me for…

Ruby:…

Jaune:Ruby? How can you look at me? How can you forgive me? At the end of the day, it’s me who-

Ruby:I could never blame you.

Her voice was so gentle as her eyes watered at the sight of Jaune’s tormented gaze. Ruby slowly reached out to run the side of her face before pulling his down onto her lap. Her fingers played with his hair, the focus on the white strands.

Ruby:I will never blame you. It’s not your fault. I wasn’t there but I know in the end you did everything you could, both you and Weiss. We’ve been apologizing a lot, but I do want to say than you. *crying* Because I know deep down I wouldn’t have the strength to honor that plea, so let’s stop hurting ourselves with what we did or didn’t do. Jaune, thank you for easing Penny’s pain. I will fight tooth and nail to never leave you alone like that again for both our sakes. So please…get some rest. We need some rest.

Warm tears hit her legs. The two leaders couldn’t help but cry silently in the dark, Jaune’s hand reaching up to hold Ruby’s. Though sadness filled their soul, so did a sense of relief. They were still here for each other despite it all. It was a comfort both of them cherished deeply. Tears eventually stopped but neither of them moved from their spot all night. Instead they clung to that comfort, finally falling asleep in each other’s embrace.

#rwby #jaune arc #ruby rose #rwby lancaster #9daysoflancaster23

[cowboyjen68]

howdy jen!

I’m a younger butch, 22, and i only recently came into this label in the past year or so. i cut my hair and started embracing myself and am so much better for it, but it’s also brought a lot of struggle. primarily, i have a really hard time feeling desirable. i don’t know if it’s something to do with where i am or just my age, but i feel like it’s so much harder to meet people who are into people who look like me. it’s hard to look visibly queer, and it’s hard to be masculine. a lot of the time i feel pride in my roll as a protector and safe person, but it becomes so exhausting when i never feel safe myself. when i never feel desirable. i wonder if this is a common thing amongst butches, and if so, how do i get past it?

You could be me talking when I was 23 and just coming out. My first thought, once I really realized that I was a bit different from many of my female friends, was “What lesbian is going to be attracted to me? Lesbians like other women and I kind of look like a boy”. I truly thought that my stature, the way I walked, whatever energy or movement got me consistently mistaken for a boy (or man) was the very reason why I would never find love or passion with whom I most desired, another woman. 

In college I toned it down, I kept my hair long with a sort of short in the front mullet. I wore generic jeans and a sweatshirt to try to be somewhat comfortable but also unremarkable in my clothing choices. Looking back it made no difference. I was clockable as a lesbian, and butch, long before I fully admitted who I was to myself. 

I felt unattractive. I refused makeup and more feminine clothing and convinced myself it was because I was a “feminist” or didn’t want to invite the gaze of men because I wanted to focus on college and not date. I just knew I would be alone forever (which sounded better than being with a man in any case) and no woman would look at me as anything more than a goofy friend. 

Years later, after talking to my old friends and nights chatting with my older lesbian friends in my early 20’s I realized we all shared very similar experiences. Very few women think of themselves as desirable to others. It was the rare one, usually traditionally attractive and outgoing, who had some idea that she was interesting to the opposite sex even if she had no desire for that. Most of us had this idea that we were just plain, or ugly or just not attractive, especially to the demographic we most wanted to desire us as a romantic partner. 

The fact is, many women have a similar feeling to what you are going through regardless of her sexual orientation. 

On to the good news. The greater Western culture tends to portray butches in the media either ugly and rude or stoic or as some perfectly physically fit woman who wears a sports bra to show off her muscles and is brimming with a snarky confidence. That is show biz and not real life. 

I hear young butch4butches and young femmes and garden variety lesbians lament all the time that they can’t find butches today. “Where have all butches that love being butches gone?”  they ponder. So as a butch there are plenty of women out there seeking you and wanting to see and meet you. 

We are quite visible and it is hard to hide our lesbianism when we are in public. And most of us don’t want to. We want to be comfortable as ourselves so we put on a stiff upper lip and go into the world looking as confident and sometimes as tough looking as we can muster. Once you meet the right friends and date a woman with whom you connect you will find a feeling of safety if you let it. Allow your friends to carry some of the burden. Listen to them when they say they have your back. Let the woman you are dating stand up for you and talk about how wonderful you are. 

Take a look at my tiktoks or posts here on tumblr and you will see that butches are loved and appreciated but a vast majority of the LGBT Community. 

Wear what makes you feel confident. Get out to events at the gay bar, concerts, even non profit fundraising events. Take the time to go to places that require you to dress up and put some effort into picking an outfit that suits you. Looking good can truly lead you to feeling good. You can boost your own confidence by getting a good haircut that you love, shining your boots and putting on some light cologne. The best way to get past the feeling of being inadequate as a dating partner is to get out and meet more women to befriend.  The more women you meet the more you can see you are not alone 

As you meet more people,  and form more community connections, you become more comfortable as yourself and you feel much less endangered in public. You learn that much or your fear is thinking others are watching you when in reality most people are just trying to get through their day. This is not to say it is not important to read your surroundings, it certainly is, but you will feel much more at ease if you feel confident in yourself.

#butch #lesbian #confidence #dating #love

[nyctophiliq]

Make out sessions with sage and fem reader?

✮ —MAKING OUT WITH SAGE ; ling 'sage' ying wei

content warning. afab! reader, suggestive ! — lowercase writing intended, kissing, making out, touching

wc. 1,05 k

moss’ notes; this was honestly written without on single coherent thought in moss' mind, sage does that to moss lmao ENJOY 💗

It was more than an exhausting mission and you were glad that the Vulture was as fast as it was. while the beds on the plane were comfortable, but nothing beat your bed on base, the one that you have had so many problems with before finally breaking it in.

"why aren't you sleeping?" sage walked inside the small separated room from the other sleeping cabins, sitting on the bed across yours with a questioning look on her face. it was risky for her to be sharing a room with you, given how easily both of you could give into the attraction you felt for each other. sage knew she should have never let emotions get the better of her but the rules she had set out for everyone seemed to be the ones she broke all the time.

you closed your eyes as you laid back on the bed, "can't sleep." you replied shortly. you didn't want to explain anything else, you were sure she had seen you struggle to take out the mirror agents and was here for nothing but to check up on you. that was her job, that was what she did all the time.

she stared at you, trying to think of an appropriate reply but then decided against asking any questions and just got up and sat down on your bed. her eyes dodged yours, her fingers like worms crawling on the sheets, searching for yours to intertwine with.

you turned over, looking at her and seeing her hands stilled, waiting for a sign that you would open up to her. as you opened your eyes your gaze carefully shifted to her as you turned on your side, not knowing if you should sit up or lay flat.

you looked away and sighed, reaching for her hand "i can't sleep because of something stupid. don't worry about it." sage raised her eyebrows, not letting go of your hand,

"what's so stupid?" you shrugged and then looked at the ceiling, "a lot of things, i guess. they're just bothering me."

"it's your mind, right?" you nodded but you couldn't tell sage that those thoughts were more than bothersome, they were downright painful. you were frustrated, angry, and even hurt. you needed someone to hold onto, someone to help you sort through it, to calm you down, to comfort you when your world was spinning out of control.

your hands started trembling slightly, "yes," it came out shaky and barely audible. 

sage leaned toward you, her voice soft, "why are you shaking?" her words made your chest tighten, "because I am afraid." you admitted, "but not enough to keep myself from doing this." sage turned to look at you, confused about your bold statement.

"do what?" sage asked. you took a deep breath and closed your eyes, your hand still intertwined with hers, "kiss you." sage's eyes went wide and you almost chuckled at how surprised she looked. her mouth hung open slightly before she slowly brought her free hand to your lips, her thumb grazing them gently. she was completely speechless. 

you swallowed hard, your own heart racing a bit as you sit up from your pillow and reach for her cheek, pulling her in for a gentle kiss. it was chaste, sweet, slow, and everything you had wanted after the last time you were alone with the healer. 

sage kissed back softly, hesitantly, her body leaning closer to yours. she pushed you back on the bed, straddling your waist and you let out a soft whine, breaking her out of her rhythm. you breathed in deeply, feeling her warm body pressed against you, and felt yourself relaxing under her embrace. she pulled away, her breathing heavy, her eyes asking if she could continue and you smiled shyly before nodding. sage moved forward again, kissing you once more, slower this time, but still full of passion. she held your chin, tilting it so she could kiss you deeper.

 you wrapped your arms around her neck, holding on tightly as her hands wandered down to your breasts, caressing them. you shuddered underneath her, moaning quietly, making the sound resonate through her, sending vibrations throughout your entire body. you pulled her back down to you, her tongue teasing your lips.  you parted them, her hands slipping beneath your tank top, cupping your breasts, your nipples pebbling in anticipation. you whimpered at the touch of her cold fingers, your back arching up from the bed and your chest colliding with hers.

 the sensation was too much to bare, ling wanted more and she wasn't sure she could hold herself back if she kept going.

"sage…" you breathed, panting lightly. she pulled back a little, brushing her forehead against yours, her breath hitting your lips. you ran your fingers through her hair, tangling your fingers in the long strands as you stared into her eyes.

 you saw the desire in hers mirrored in yours as she bit down on her lower lip, a nervous gesture. the heat of the moment was starting to dissipate but you knew that if you pushed this now it wouldn't end well, you weren't ready for this kind of relationship, nor would sage ever be.  your mind was muddled with the fantasies of you and her together, in this exact position, wanting to full fill them.

you opened your mouth to talk when someone pounded on the door. "hey, y/n! is sage asleep in there?"  a familiar voice called out from outside making sage groan, "yeah, i'm awake." sage answered.

"my stitches popped, can you re-do them please?" jett asked through the door. ling looked at you, closing her eyes before letting a frustrated sigh and getting up from the bed but not without leaving a warm peck on your cheek. "see you when we land."

without a word you let her exit the cabin, pulling the covers over yourself and trying to fall back asleep before she comes back inside.  however, the images kept popping into your head and you couldn't stop thinking about the feel of her hand on your skin, the taste of her lips, and the way she looked at you with desire shining through her brown eyes, her dark eyelashes casting a shadow on her cheeks.

you were whipped, no question.

tag list ; @darlingmisa @pixiegirlz @orang3-ish @wolfheartsstuff

#📼 › moss tapes #valorant x reader #valorant sage #valorant sage x reader #ling ying wei x reader #valorant ling ying wei x reader #sage x reader

[capseycartwright]

Every year the day before my birthday, I write myself a letter – it’s my way of saying goodbye to the year I’ve just lived, a way of letting go of the good, and the bad, and everything else in-between. I’ve written one of these letters every year since I turned eighteen, so this year marks ten years since I started one of the greatest traditions of my life. The words come easier, some years, and other years, the words are stuck in my throat, fingers stiff as I try to articulate what it means to live another year, how to put into words all the way that life challenges and changes me – for better, and worse – every year I get to spend on this planet.

This is one of the years where the words aren’t coming as easily. I’m not entirely naïve, anymore – though I don’t think you can ever fully lose naivety when it was such a hallmark of your personality growing up – but it’s hard not to hope that after a bad year, a good year would follow. I thought that maybe that would be the case, after 26 being one of the hardest years of my life so far, but the universe does not see my birthday as the fundamental start, and end, point that I see it as, and the hardship sort of just – continued.

Maybe that’s one of the things I’ve learned this year – whether you measure your year by birthdays, or New Year’s Eves, these arbitrary start and end points don’t mean much at all: your problems and your wins are yours the day you’re 26, and they remain yours the day you turn 27. As arbitrary as they are, I like a start, and an end, and – even arbitrarily – my final day of being 27 feels like a moment to reflect and think about who I want my 28-year-old self to be. 

I want her to be happier. It’s not that I don’t have a great life – I do – but 27 has been plagued by this lingering unhappiness that has wormed its dark tendrils into every aspect of my life, work and friends and family and everything that doesn’t fall into those neat packages. I could reflect on all the reasons for it. There’s an element of trauma, for one, because watching my mum, my best friend in the entire world, lie in a hospital bed for weeks on end, sitting by her side and holding her hand as she begged me to stay with her, hallucinations caused by an infection making her believe I was nothing more than a figment of her imagination as she took her final breaths, is something I’ll never forget as long as I live. She’s okay now – and every day, I thank a God I’m not sure I even believe in for the fact she answers her phone every morning when I call, greeting me with a tired ‘hello, love’ – but once you’re faced with the reality of how vulnerable your parents really are, it’s hard to forget that there will be more hospital beds and hand-holding in your future. 

I could talk about breaking my foot, and how what feels like a simple injury affected my mental wellbeing in ways I’m still picking up the pieces from – I have never been good at being vulnerable, and I am independent to a fault, and after putting myself in an Uber, hopping around on a foot that I couldn’t put weight on, still unwilling to ask for help, I sat in a hospital car park with a cast that went to my knee and sobbed into the phone, wishing then, more than ever, that I had never left the safe cocoon of my parents embrace. 

I could talk about a lot of things – but I’m realising, more and more, sometimes there is no reason for sadness. Sometimes, you’re just sad, for no good reason, and that’s another thing I’ve learned this year – that I can’t always rationalise the way I feel, that there’s not always a reason, not always a ‘why’ that I can fix. That’s been a hard one to accept, because I have always been a ‘fixer’ – someone who focuses on the things I can fix, the things I am able to change – and that has been another thing I have had to accept this year: I can’t always fix things. There are things in my life that have happened, and will happen, that are so far out of my control I can hardly touch them, and I just have to accept that. And my god, do I hate the prospect of having to just accept things. That’s been a theme of my 27th lap around the sun – having to accept that there are things in my life that I can’t control, can’t fix, can’t change. It’s been an exercise in learning how to let go and lean into the uncertainty and challenge of life. 

I could talk about a lot of things, is the point – but all of those things don’t change that ambition of mine to live a happier life. I have a wonderful life. I have a job that gives me purpose, a job that gets me out of bed every morning and makes me feel like maybe I am making a difference in the world. My parents are, objectively, my favourite people on the planet, and this year, I got to explore a new city, in a new country, with them. I have a family who I love dearly – and I think I could probably write a good sitcom about. I have the best friends in the world, and they’re scattered all over the planet, but they are always at the other end of the phone – whether I’m drunk on a tram and crying about a boy or having a bad day at work and need to get my annoyance off my chest. I am about to move into a new apartment, with new flatmates, and it feels like the most wonderful change I could hope for. I have a wonderful life, is the point – and I want to fully enjoy it. Although there have been moments of pure joy in my life this year, I feel like I have lost the ability to find joy in the mundane, the normal, the everyday – and if I can set myself any goal for 28, it is to find the joy in the everyday again. 

I’ve been thinking, a lot, about what it means to be happier, how you can be happier – and, as with anything in life, I’m realising that happiness is not a given: it takes work, to find the joy in your everyday. I don’t think I’ve been putting that work in, this year. It’s a startling realisation to have, if I’m honest – and a healthy one, too, to realise that you have put too much faith in the grandiose power of the universe, and neglected the (perhaps less grandiose, but still powerful) power you hold yourself to create a happier life. It seems silly, to forget that I hold all the power I need to give myself a happier life – especially when I am the person who’s created this life I do have. I am a product of all the people who love me, and who’ve given me the space to grow and learn and become the person I am today, of course I am the product of so many people’s belief and love – but I am the person who made the decision to move my life abroad, and pursue a dream so big I can hardly believe it’s mine, so I am the person who has the power to make my life happier. I’ve learned that this year. 

I’ve also learned that with every promotion, you hit a crossroads. That sounds terribly lofty – but hear me out. I am lucky enough to have had several promotions in my (arguably short) career so far, but they’ve been promotions from intern, to assistant, to low-level grown up. Last month, I was promoted into the most senior position I can ever have in my organisation – and I underestimated the change that comes with that new title. I thought senior was just doing bigger, and better, and more – and in some ways, it is. But in other ways, it’s not – being more senior is about being more of a leader, thinking strategically, and giving those same interns and assistants I used to be the opportunities my senior colleagues once gave me. It’s hard, to let go of the things you know you can do well and pass them on to someone else to make their own – but that is a part of my new journey. 

I’m calling it a crossroads because it is one – now, I have the word senior in front of my title and so I need to decide what kind of senior staff member I want to be: and it’s hardly a decision, really. I want to be the kind of senior staff member I started my career surrounded by – open, and caring, willing to teach and eager to get junior staff involved, the kind of senior team leader who passes on their knowledge and expertise long before they hand their notice in – sharing not out of necessity, no. Sharing because it’s what you should do. I’m not sure I’m a natural born leader – it’s a role I wasn’t sure appealed to me, until I lived this twenty-seventh year and realised that it’s the path I want my career to go down – and it's going to be one of the greatest learning curves of my life. I’ve never been good at letting go – I hold on to the things I love, my grip deathly tight, until they are wrenched from my grasp without my permission. It’s not a nice way to be, I know – and so in these final few weeks of being 27, I have begun a learning process that daunts me more than any essay, or exam, ever did – I am learning to let go, so that other people can grow in the places where I have been given the space to flourish these last four years. 

This letter feels altogether very forward looking – which reflects my state of mind, I think – but I don’t want to see this year out without some good old-fashioned reflection, because if there is anything I am good at, it’s being nostalgic for times that aren’t even over, yet. In years gone by, I have reflected on my strength – the way I have continued through some of the worst, and scariest times of my life, and still come out the other side. That strength is still there – and I will always be proud of it – but this year, I’m prouder of the way I have admitted my own weaknesses. There’s a lot of reasons why I am the way I am, independent to a fault, unwilling to admit my own flaws and weaknesses, and so it hasn’t been easy to embrace my own weaknesses, the things I am not good at. It hasn’t been easy to ask for help – but I have. I’ve asked for help by text, and in person, and I am learning to rely on the people who love me: because my weaknesses are not burdens. I don’t always believe that – but I’m trying to, because people in my life love me, and loving someone means loving their weaknesses, as well as their strengths. 

27 has brought about a need to embrace my own vulnerability in ways I don’t find entirely comfortable. Independent to a fault, unwilling to ask for help – all of the above. But all that has made it so I am living a life more isolated than I would like, and 27 has begun a process of unlearning that, of dismantling the near-impenetrable stone wall I have built around myself. I have always been embarrassed of how much I feel – good, or bad, I feel with my entire self. A friend told me this year (hi, Emma) that the way I feel is one of her favourite things about me – and that the way I feel so intensely is a beautiful quality. I don’t think I fully believe that, yet, but 27 has marked the beginning of wanting to believe that – wanting to believe that the way I have never been able to feel by halves is a good thing. That it’s a good thing, I care so passionately about my family, and friends, and colleagues, and the world we live in, that it can feel overwhelming. That it’s a good thing, to cry at emotional TV adverts and to lose myself in the wonder of romance novels. That it’s a good thing, to feel so much that I can’t help but want to write – fiction, or prose, or whatever comes to mind when my fingers start to move against a keyboard so rapidly that my thoughts can hardly keep up. One day, someone will love me for how intensely I feel – and it won’t be a burden, to be the object of the overwhelming love and care I feel for people. 

(I know who I’d like to be the object of that love, and care – and it’d be somewhat insincere, to let a letter like this pass by without acknowledging that so much of this twenty-seventh year of mine has been taken up by you, by this friendship of ours that’s become one of the most important in my life – because you’ve listened, to all my fears and woes and worries with a smile and the knowledge that can only come with being a few years past 27 – and I have fallen so hard for you in such a short space of time, it sometimes makes me wish I didn’t feel so much. I should tell you; I know that – and I hope 28-year-old me will be brave enough to. Because I think we’d work, and sometimes I think you think the same. It's on my list, of things I’d like to do this next year of mine.)

Maybe it’s because 30 is looming on the horizon, a new decade of my life peeping around the corner – but so much of this year has felt contemplative. Who do I want to be? What kind of friend, colleague, do I want to be known as? Where do I want to continue to build this wonderful life of mine – is the call to come home outweighing the desire to stay abroad and live this life of adventure I have sacrificed so much for? I don’t have answers, not to all of those questions, and maybe I never will have definitive ones – but I know this much for sure. 27 has been hard – harder than I imagined it would be, hard in that deeply existential way I think nothing can prepare you for. It’s been hard, and it’s been wonderful – new babies, and new friends, and old friendships set alight with a newfound joy, a promotion to a senior role in a job that has changed the course of my life, a new apartment and new flatmates I think could become close friends, a family, even – and it’s been divinely nuanced in that way I am realising life always is: there is no definitively good, or bad year. There are only years I am lucky enough to live, time I am lucky enough to have, and laughter lines that don’t make me queasy, the way I used to think they would – because they are a reminder I am here, and I am alive, and laughing, and each day I spend on this planet is a privilege. 27 has borne so many reminders that life is short, and it's fragile, and it ends, so quickly and unexpectedly, and perhaps that’s part of why I have such a burning desire to live a happier life: because we only get so much of it, and I have already lived 27 years of mine. 27 has been hard, and it’s been good, and it’s been bad, and it’s been wonderful – and I won’t miss it. Not when I think that what the first few months of 28 has in store for me is exciting, and overwhelming, and utterly transformative. 

This has been 27 – and I think that I’m going to like the version of me that 28 will see the growth of so much. And I’m excited to see who I’ll be in a year, sitting here the night before my birthday, saying goodbye to a year that feels full of unknown. Me of a year ago would have hated that uncertainty – me of today, well, she’s trying to embrace letting go. We’ll see how that goes.

#in which i ramble #my writing tag #the birthday posts #anyway. whats the day before your birthday for if not for being melancholy and nostalgic #sharing my deeply personal thoughts is my only hobby apparently #that’s it i suppose

[sycsubs]

[ENGLISH TRANS] SOOYOUNG ON ELLE KOREA AUGUST ISSUE INTERVIEW

Q: We were entering the countdown of ‘Not Others’.

Sooyoung: It’s been a long time since i’ve waited for my own work. After I finished filming i’m the type to let go of it cooly but ‘Not Others’ is different. I hope a lot of people will watch this mother-daughter story and this female narratives drama.

Q: On our last interview, you said “Even if the script is fun i don’t feel attracted to female character that’s being wasted” and we thought that ‘Not Others’ is the best match for that.

Sooyoung: Yes. There’s not much drama that Mother and Daughter is the main character in Korea? ‘Not Others’ is a drama that lower the barrier to entry with a heart touching story that brings out our empathy.

Q: How did you interpret character of the Daughter Jinhee? We thought you must have worries since there were some differences from the original.

Sooyoung: When i first heard that i’m going to do it with Hyejin unnie I thought “How am i going to style myself so that i could look more like her daughter?”. I reflected on myself right away. I realised that trying to look like a daughter is not the result that this drama wanted. So i focused on what a child will look like if she was raised by a cool and hip mother like Eunmi. She’s a faithful woman and won’t lack anywhere she goes but when you get to know her she secretly makes you turn around? (Laughs) i tried to draw a figure that makes you say ‘As expected of Eunmi’s daughter”.

Q: We heard that you’re a fan of Actress Jeon Hyejin.

Sooyoung: The reason i chose this drama was 80% to meet Jeon Hyejin. I met the actress i was a fan of in a drama and that’s not as boss or older sister but as my mom. I thought myself as lucky. If she didn’t have me when she was in high school i think this combination won’t even happen. Every moment on set with her was like a dream to me.

Q: Among the movies and dramas with mother-daughter relationships, such as Greta Gerwig's <Lady Bird> and Michelle Yeoh's <Everything Everywhere All At Once> which ones left an impression on you?

Sooyoung: Mother-daughter stories told by Go Dooshim and Go Hyunjung in <Dear My Friends>, the conversation that Jung Yumi had with her mother who had panic disorder in <Live>… and i like the mother-daughter stories drawn by Writer Noh Heekyung. Even though it’s not a mother-daughter story, i’d like to mention a work called ‘Hillbilly Elegy’, it’s about a mother-son relationship.

Q: Are you talking about Ron Howard’s work?

Sooyoung: Yes. The process of overcome the deficiencies of our parents generation was passed on to their children and the process felt like a growth drama to me. I think we are almost the same. Our parents' parents' generation went through war right? My parents generation grew up embracing the trauma of the war. As the parent generation went through the internal trauma of the IMF, our generation was placed in that lullaby. So I guess certain insecurities and deficiencies have been passed down from generation to generation. Me too. My parents also went through that process, and i tried to be a good daughter but at the same time I tried to treat it as a growing pain. I could relate to that point because it was incorporated into the work.

Q: Oh, you tend to appreciate a work deeply.

Sooyoung: I like that work as a book but i think the film is also well made.

Q: If we look only at the debut, Girls’ Generation activities and acting starts at the same time. However, the break in acting is a bit longer, since when did you feel comfortable and confident as an actress?

Sooyoung: I think it was about 2 years. The time i felt the set as ‘a failure place’ to ‘it’s okay for me to fail here’ took a long time to accept it. I always tried to be perfect. I had an obsession to do better than anyone else since i knew the way an idol turned actress was looked at. I went to an audition once, a casting director said to me ‘you are good but you seems like a person who’s afraid of not doing good’, that’s when i got chills..

Q: You’ve got the point.

Sooyoung: I always afraid of not doing well. I couldn’t focus on my acting since i was afraid that people would say something about my attitude. I was always anxious, conscious even though nobody cares I was wrapped up in the sense of a victim and couldn't be free. I think I trained myself to collect all that waste of energy into one place. So I thought let’s get hate for making up my mind, let’s get some swearing! Let’s be a bit bolder even if my shortcoming goes into the ears of people around me, i’ve been thinking like that for around 2 years now. After I finished <If You Tell Me Your Wish> and <Fan Letter, Please> I gained a little bit confidence. I think ‘Not Others’ is the highlight.

Q: Even though you were expressing your shortcomings, you have so many talents such as singing, dancing, being social and acting. Where does that DNA comes from?

Sooyoung: My mom did some music in the past. My dad is good at talking but i feel like it’s the Girls’ Generation DNA. I realised it recently, the vaguely experiences in my 20s has naturally been embodied into me. So now when i look at the society, in variety shows and on stage i can see myself move automatically because of the things I’ve experienced. In fact, I thought if hadn’t done this work I might be missing out the feelings of my peers. Of course there won’t be a part like that but i get it now. I’m also learning my own experiences and emotions. I feel that my 30s is the time to expand myself by using my past experiences.

Q: It is such a great realisation

Sooyoung: In the past I won’t be able to talk like this. Because my lack of confidence. But now that I’m about to accept failure i just throw it away. (Laughs).

Q: At 2022 MBC Drama Awards, when you received an awards and Yoona in the audience seat was on the screen, you said ‘Yoona, do it now. You have to cry.’ That was a spontaneous comment and it became a huge issue.

Sooyoung: Haha yes. In the past, a single word from an idol would be evaluated as a strict standard. Now, i think the public’s taste has broadened and they accept it in variety ways.

Q: Anyway, because you were born in the early year, you were called as ‘the family tree (age) breaker’ right? Do you have any special feelings as the early year born since the counting age system has disappeared?

Sooyoung: So Yoona who was born in the same year as me won’t have to call me as ‘Unnie’ anymore? And the members in 89line became my Unnies? Uhm.. Even without the counting age system i think we won’t change the way we call each other. Isn’t it great to be a year younger?

Q: You must have many experiences in human relationship since you started your social life early. Who did you trust in that process.

Sooyoung: Someone who’s consistent. Trust someone who has their own beliefs and standards. Taste may change often but I believe beliefs are not easily shaken.

Q: Do you consider yourself as someone who has her own beliefs?

Sooyoung: I’m so consistent that it became a bit boring (laughs). Someone need to have the charm of ‘don’t know where she’ll go’, but I can’t do that.

Q: What is the motto of the consistent Sooyoung?

Sooyoung: These days, i think about the word of ‘Failing Forward’ a lot. Let’s move forward while failing. In the past, i was a hesitant character. I had a lot of worries and anxieties. Now, even if it’s just not good, i’ll go forward no matter what anyone says.

Q: While filming <Not Others>, you must have thought a lot about your family, is your family a someone else?

Sooyoung: Family is a thorough another person and someone else. It’s not someone else in a negative way, but someone else who we need to be the most considerate, the most careful and the most caring in the world. Before i was the opposite. I was more busy taking care of other people than my family. I started living alone in my mid 20s, i think that’s when i started to think about my family again. The person you should respect the most is your family.

Q: We agreed with you. Are many people rude to their families just because they are close?

Sooyoung: Yes. That’s why it’s a problem.

Q: This is the last question. Where is the 33 years old Sooyoung standing now?

Sooyoung: I feel like i’m standing at the starting line. Did it feel like a full zero? I think this is the time where i have been trained mentally to be the most independent, the most subjective and to thoroughly objectify myself. It’s in that sense of zero, fully!

#choi sooyoung #sooyoung #snsd #girlsgeneration #남남 #not others #소녀시대

[shedidntevenswear]

It’s my 30th birthday!

which means i’ve had this exact tumblr account for literally half of my life lol embarrassing

Because I am my mother(Taylor Swift)’s daughter, I decided to take a page from her book and share 30 things I’ve learned in my 30 years of life so far:

It’s the people, it’s the people, IT’S THE PEOPLE. In anything you do, any space you inhabit, the people around you are what actually matters, not the dogma or the process or whatever. Act accordingly. 

Some things can go to the group chat instead of out on the internet.

Listening without trying to fix things is an important skill, especially when talking to yourself. 

Therapy is worth the money. 

Not everything that is great or meant for you is meant to last forever. Embrace ephemera.

You really can find everything you need on NOT Amazon, it just takes a little more work. Generally the work is worth it. 

Different things work for different people, you don’t need to apply whats best for someone else to yourself and you definitely don’t get to decide that what’s right for you is how everyone should be living. 

I read so much more after embracing audiobooks and 2x speed. 

Liking things is so much cooler and more fun than hating things.

WEAR SUNSCREEN EVEN WHEN YOU DONT THINK YOU NEED IT.

The best way to live in community is with a soft front and a strong back. 

Getting outside and moving my body actually does make me feel better, damn it.

Take the Uber sometimes. Don’t be a hero.

You can’t always believe everything you read on the internet. 

Relatedly, you don’t always have to believe the opinions of people on the internet about you or the things you care about. You don’t always have to give the same weight to the things internet people say as you would to people who know you. 

Feelings need to be felt. 

Things you enjoy doing are worth doing even if you aren’t “good” at them. 

I’ve learned how to be alone with myself without descending into crippling loneliness immediately #justextrovertthings

Check the weather before you leave the house.

Certainty isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. The vulnerability that comes from uncertainty is where connection happens. 

It’s actually totally fine to eat the same thing every day if you are getting the fuel you need and you like how it tastes. Not everyone has to be a chef.

Opinions are not facts. 

You’ll enjoy life so much more if you just let yourself have a little treat every day. 

You can have fantastic, budget-friendly European vacations if you simply don’t care about the quality of where you sleep. (aka I’ve slept on a lot of overnight buses and in the most basic BnBs)

Nine times out of ten, it’s not personal. People are thinking more about themselves than they are ever thinking about you when making the decision to do or say something. 

There are so many things out of my control. Wisdom is realizing what I can control, and satisfaction comes from concentrating my effort there and letting go of the rest. 

There *are* good men out there, they are just exceptionally hard to find. Very few of them are single though. 

The goal of life is not to be a “good” person, it’s to be a person who does good and acknowledges and apologizes and improves when they’ve done something bad. 

Nobody notices or cares if you wear the same shirt two or three days in a row when you work over Zoom. Save those laundry coins. 

It’s never too late to start something new. Discovery and learning new skills and trying new things has no age limit. 

#amanda please #my birthday #30 things

[miraakulous-cloud-district]

WYGTYA lines

@sheirukitriesfandom tagged me in this most wonderful tag game and I am so happy! Thank you for the tag :D Since WYGTYA is my longest work, I'm going to include lines from this fic of mine that I love so very much <3

A line from your fic that makes you laugh (not really a line, but it made me laugh while I wrote chapter 13)

“What on Nirn is a rock’s weakness?” He asks, casting a calm spell to no avail.

“Scissors?” Ravonna responds, chuckling.

“You think this is a good time for jokes? Master Neloth is going to kill me if he finds out!” 

“Scissors, that’s it! Big sword!” she says, the lightbulb of an idea almost visible above her head, making Talvas even more confused. 

“I’m sorry, what?”

“Wait here, I know just the thing!” She immediately levitates rapidly to the main tower, doing a backflip before entering.

"But paper beats rock!" Talvas shouts, but to no avail, Ravonna is already in the tower.

A line from your fic that makes you sad (of course it's a Miraak line, from chapter 6)

“I – yes. I just – ” but he has to turn around before the tears start falling down his cheeks. ‘Be a man’s man and don’t cry. Crying is for weaklings, you soft-hearted little boy! Why can’t you be like your brother? You’re a failure!’ his father’s words ring into his ears and he shivers, wanting nothing more than the earth to swallow him. And so he climbs the stairs as fast as he can and heads straight to his chamber. There, he can finally cry for hours.

A line from your fic you're proud of (not yet part of wygtya, but it will be, this is my Ralof/Hadvar ficlet, and I'm so proud of that watetfall metaphor)

“We were drunk and happy and we thought we had our whole life ahead of us.” Ralof begins, trying to be brave himself and just let his thoughts flow into words like a river turning into a waterfall

A line for your fic you think could have been better (There are a lot of things that could have been written better, but I refuse to beat myself too much over it and embrace the fact that I am evolving and I don't want to over analyse my old writing, so this is from chapter 1, I hate this because Hjaldir's story changed a bit over time! When I wrote this, it was all unclear, and so many things have changed since then, I'm hoping my version of him now isn't too far from this brief first description of him)

“Well, Inigo, it’s actually quite a funny story. Hjaldir turned out to be a runaway pirate. He ran away from his crew because he got tired of getting seasick and stealing from innocent people. So, one night, he just ran away. Decided to become a bard and make honest coin. Ended up at my dad’s tavern.”

A line from your fic that makes you want to punch a character (from chapter 12, DAMN IT, LUCIEN, THEY WERE HAVING A MOMENT)

“Am I… interrupting something?” Lucien asks. Right, Lucien. Fenrik’s almost forgotten about him. How could he not, when all he did was sleep his hangover off?

“No!” both Dragonborn respond at the same time, letting go of each others’ hands.

A line from your fic that makes you go 'aww' (from chapter 13, Ravonna trying her best to comfort Miraak is so precious to me, she is trying her best! And this is a big moment for her, to try to be so comforting to one person who once tried to kill her. It's a lot of progress and I feel like she can see their situation from a mature point of view and she can let go of the vengeance.)

“There we go.” she says as she gets a good look of Fenrik’s teary brown eyes. “Now listen to me: no one is upset with you. I’m starting to think that it’s impossible to be. You didn’t ruin anything, okay? The self-sacrificing healer in you got out. And that’s commendable. Now, please don’t cry because I have no idea what to do with someone who is crying.” She says, making him laugh the tears away. “You’re doing great. I mean, if you need to cry, just let it out, I’ll figure something out. Maybe sparkles? Everyone loves sparkles, right?” She makes small sparkles dance around her other hand

A line from your fic that's full of symbolism (from chapter 12, not sure if this classifies as symbolism, but the snake thing is something that I am so proud of)

"I still felt my soul in there, wrapped tightly in the threatening embrace of all those dragons’ souls. I felt it trying to fight it, to escape, like a small animal trying to escape the python snake’s fatal grip."

A line from your fic that contains an Easter egg (WWDITS reference with a medieval and lore-friendly name replacement! From chapter 3)

"His name was Mikael, if I recall correctly.”

“Fucking Mikael!” Ravonna says, full of spite.

A line from your fic that's shocking (from chapter 13, MIRAAK SAID HIS FIRST ON-SCREEN BAD WORD!! Everyone was shocked hahaha)

“Holy shit!” Fenrik says as they get closer to the Silt Strider, making Ravonna’s job to cheer up much easier. She turns to him with wide eyes, and then looks at the rest of the amused fellowship. Even Teldryn was struggling not to smile. 

A line from your fic you want to talk about more (from chapter 2, IT'S RUMCURIO, CAN WE PLEASE TALK ABOUT RUMCURIO I'M IN RAREPAIR HELL, MY FIC IS LITERALLY THE ONLY ONE WITH THE RUMARIN/MARCURIO TAG I'M GOING INSANE)

“Just come back alive, or I will kill you.” Marcurio says, his forehead resting against Rumarin’s, still pulling him down. It’s not the most comfortable position for Rumarin, but he won’t have it any other way. It makes him think, really. About all the ways he is going to kiss him as soon as he returns from Solstheim. 

Tagging my beloved fellow writer mutuals, only if you want to participate, of course! @bougainvillea-and-saltwater @kiir-do-faal-rahhe @thelavenderelf @mareenavee @dirty-bosmer @blossom-adventures @nerevar-quote-and-star and I'm also tagging @sheirukitriesfandom back to do this challenge!

#tag game #thank you so much for this <3 #wygtya #wygtya stuff #miraak x ldb #oc: ravonna #miraak #lucien flavius #inigo the brave #rumarin 3dnpc #marcurio #rumcurio #teldryn sero #ralof/hadvar