#when i was born i was playfully weaponised

[cisthoughtcrime]

when I was a toddler and my younger brother and sister were born, we'd go for walks with my parents pushing them in a dual pram and people would say "aw so cute, are they twins?" and I'd say "yes! this is my sister and this is my brother" and they'd say "oh are they identical?" and, just like my 'if-we-have-kids-they-can-deliver-punchlines-for-us' parents had taught me to, I'd say "no, one has a penis"

#maybe i was destined for terfistry 😔 #this also is so far from the funniest thing they set me up to say #when i was 4 and adorable my dad got me to call his boss's boss a convicted predatory monopolist to his face #at 2-3 i had a playdate with another kid whose mom was proud of the fact that he could identify his body parts when she prompted #like 'wheres your nose? very good!' #so of course in a return demonstration my parents say '[name] wheres your clavicle?' and i point to it because it's just training your kid #a few years ago we went back and watched some home VHS tapes from my infancy and holy shit the stuff they were saying aroundme was so funny #there was a cop at a playground and they had me toddle up to him and drop a bag of playdoh and insist it wasnt mine and he had planted it #i stopped playing along by the time i was 7 or so because i almost got in trouble with my grandparents #my parents' whole courtship (genuinely how they refer to when they were dating) was prank-based #when i was born i was playfully weaponised #in the late 90s my mom sent me to interrupt my dads work holding a giant magnet and threatening to wipe his hard drive with it #in return my dad taught me songs that always get stuck in my mom's head #when he proposed to her in a horsedrawn carriage he was totally serious for once but when he opened the box the ring bounced out because #the ride was bumpy and she almost dumped him because she thought it was another prank but they laugh about it now #when they got a second dog and she reluctantly let him name it (because she assumed it would be a joke) she was pleasantly surprised #he named the dog Tucker and the payoff wasnt until a year and a half later when the dog was big enough to jump on the counter #so my dad could yell 'Tuck off!' and and my mom cried laughing #so she got a laptop sticker that said 'dog mom' and referred to herself in front of him as 'mother-tucker' for a while #i have infinite more stories like this but i think it's just on the brain cuz they just had an anniversary and we did a reminiscing vidchat #anyway oversharing in the notes over