#when im deleted lol

[inkskinned]

crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

#spilled ink #writeblr #personal #please don't ask me to talk on my experience on the spectrum lol. i hate how ppl talk to me about it #i really try not to write so specifically about it #bc inevitably someone talks to me like im a child #i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years #i might delete this. feels big. #the thing is that being on the spectrum actually IS a spectrum #and if u say ur autistic #inevitably someone makes an assumption about ur needs/symptoms #please do not treat me differently than u usually would. like.... we can tell when you do #and like i mention. i do appreciate the effort. i do truly appreciate the effort. #but it still feels like... #when i was blind. sometimes people kind of did the same-ish thing. #they'd find out i was blind and start talking really loudly? #and while i KNOW they're just trying to help. it would be like. i'd be trying to find #the right way into a building (sometimes only 1 door is unlocked and i couldn't see the signs posted about where to go) #and ppl would be like ''OH UR BLIND? YES SO THIS IS A DOOR. IT OPENS INTO THE BUILDING. IT IS LOCKED NOW." #''A DOOR CAN BE FOUND IN MANY LOCATIONS.'' #and it feels like. when i admit to being autistic #someone comes screeching into my life being like THIS IS A DOOR.

[cloudysarts]

this show would be good if literally everything about it was different

#read these tags please(unless ur an HH fan in which case please ignore them) >>> I DO NOT LIKE THIS SHOW #i hate viv///ziepop so fucking much its actually unreal. every time i think about her i seethe #been hatewatching it ('legally') nd its awful. like i mean i knew it would be going into it but goddamn. so much worse than i expected #you may be like 'whyd you draw this then'. i wanted to make a finished piece with my redesigns #for funsies me and my boyf have been rewriting/redesigning the whole show . thats been our fun little craft #i feel similar about this that i do about fnaf and miraculous ladybug even tho this is objectively worse in every way #theres this eternal feeling of like. man. if the writers were competent then this concept would be interesting #but theyre not so. here we are #anyway. im gona try not to put hate in the tags lol #but i like how this turned out too much NOT to post it #anyways mutuals please dont unfollow me for this i promise im normal JDSFHJKDFHJDFKHJK #Hazbin Hotel Redesigns #Hazbin Hotel Critical #Angel Dust #Husk #Huskerdust #I guess. #genuinely a little scared to post this ones. im scared ill lose mutuals over this AND/OR fans will harass me for those tags JHKSDFHJKJK #im posting it and then immediately going to sleep. might delete later if even 1 thing goes wrong #EDIT RL QUICK i wanna add: i dont care if you like the show <33 good for you!!! i respect it!! i liked it when i was 14. i just dont now. <

[todayisafridaynight]

journalists underestimate the magnitude of my addiction and how far i'll go for the bit

#snap chats #im lying i physically could not marathon this i got school LMAO BUT IMAGINE #my god speaking of school i signed up for a japanese history class. because of course i did #i also needed an extra class and i didnt know what else to put LMAO but i might swap it or somn #thinkin i should get back into theater..... i got like two months to decide anyway #i was thinking about how im gonna play IW during streams... if the lord will let me i might stream for 2~3 hours or so #im putting such a small time limit due to Aforementioned School but also idk if my computer can record any longer than that #when i tried saving the video to my flashdrive it only lasted about two some hours right ? maybe 3 if i remember right #i decided to record to my computer's hard drive instead of the usb since it has more space so maybe i can record longer #ill prob do a test run later today and record a nonsense video. i WILL delete it i just wanna see what the limit is #cause my plan is to just Record One -> Upload It -> Delete OG yk. Lazy Susan type of plan #didnt mean to type out my whole gameplan in the tags LOL BUT HEY I WANTED TO TALK BOUT IT AT SOME POINT #my final message is that ive Hopefully preordered the ichi statue. i say Hopefully cause i am once again doing it through jp rabbit #and i didnt get the confirmation it was successful yet so I Will Simply Wait. #point is it was a lot cheapter than i thought it was going to be <3 yay <3 #ok im running out of tags tl;dr im gonna marathon IW until my eyes bleed BYYYE

[spitefularoandbi]

It has always bothered me how aroaces can pull the "it's the same thing," bc that has been said to me before. But my aro-ness cannot be singularly just aro without being assumed to be aroace by even people I've come out to before. And so then it's made aware that I'm still allosexual, just like I was before when I came out as bi, and suddenly that's contradictory and two separate things and how uncomfortable most aces can get about allosexual things - even tho my aromanticism defines my sexuality and my sexuality is an aromantic sexuality. For me it is one and the same too, but I have to be ripped apart to just belong as "aro." Rinse, repeat, for 12 years now. Rinse, repeat.

#this is an aroallo post #aroallo #alloaro #i hope this made sense. im just cycling through thinking about deleting this aro account too #my posts #im not sure if i should tag as non sam aro but i often do think of myself as Just Aro. ya know? but with like 80%of the aspec community #being ace its kinda like 'ace or bust' so aroallo fits the best for me lol #also im estimating 12 years. i started college.... 13 years ago. and thats when i started questioning. so 12 is roughly right #im actually worried to hit post lol. but i have felt this way for a long time and this week on tumblr has me feeling a way

[soranker]

hi….! any chance we can see your art process ? it’s fine if not! i was wondering if u do a sketch before your lines or you just skip directly to lineart? your art is very beautiful!

HI!!! AUGGHHHJHH THANK YOU SOOOO MUCH T__T my art style is kinda simple imo so my process is pretty bare-bones ^^;; there's not rly much too it!! it also kinda changes depending on how uhhhh lazy im feeling in the moment HAHA

probably around half of my drawings are straight to line art bc they're rly just doodles or things i decide to draw without any planning (but also im kinda impatient so i try to skip the sketching step if i can LOL...). but if i DO have a specific pose in mind for a drawing, i'll start with a sort of mannequin sketch or loose pass, then depending on how messy it is, ill either do the lineart pass on the layer on top or duplicate the sketch and then clean it up.

and then my coloring process is not sophisticated at all i just create a new layer and then paint bucket tool away LMAOOOO

here's an example of a drawing where i did sketch first ^_^

#clarification on the second image: usually when i make changes to the sketch i just go straight to lineart rather than doing a second pass #which i what i did for this drawing. i just like to minimize how many sketch passes i do (again bc i am impatient and lazy lol) #but also bc personally i get frustrated when my lineart doesnt turn out like my sketch so the solution my brain came up with is to.. #...skip sketching i guess LMAO;; #idk if this was helpful or not AHGHAAH my process is rly nothing fancy and there's not much to show T_T; #ALSO OMFG IM SOOOOOO SORRY THIS TOOK ME SO LONG TO RESPOND TO GKJFHDJG THIS WAS SENT LIKE A MONTH AGO I THINK T_____T #i saw this when i got off the plane coming home from a trip and then i remembered it a few days later #but then in the middle of writing my answer i left to eat dinner and forgot to save so when i came back the page refreshed #and deleted everything i wrote T____T AND THEN IFORGOT ABT IT AGAIN

[birdricks]

admit it. you would have been me

#rick and morty #rick sanchez #rick prime #rick c137 #??? whateve #DAMNNN it deleted all my tags lol #IM FREEEE I CAN FINALLY KILL MYSELF #THIS SHIT WAS SO HARD MAN. not worth it lolol #i wanted to do this concept already bc im insnae abt mirrors. but ep5 forced my hand #i always find it so interesting like… rick seeing himself not only in prime #but in all the ricks he meets (and kills) #i do imagine there were more than a few moments during his hunt for prime where he feared he was becoming him #chose this deisgn for rick bc i like it. and its like his main prime hunting era deisgn ig also. lol #DO NOT EVER LET ME DO A BG AGAIN. NOT WORTH IT #lol im just very bad at planning stuff out when it comes to stuff like this #but hopefully it looks ok. my brain is so fried i genuinely cannot tell #artsbotz

[cherrirui-official]

Valentines Day post except its not Valentines day themed, I lied to you

@saltydkart-reblogs

#the saltydkdan server got to see this early #and by early i mean yesterday night right before i went to bed #also WHEN I SAY THIS TOOK WAY LONGER TO MAKE THAN I WANTED TO I MEAN IT UUGH #i ended up having to edit and render this on blender aint that crazy? #anyways... one day i'll actually make a proper valentines day special but today isnt that day #saltydkdan #sanctoklinge #aeroartwork43o9 #ms pastey #now fully animated!... kinda... #im not a pro animator lol im still a beginner #cherris canvas #if tumblr lowers the quality on this im deleting my account /j

[moonwooden]

i wish i could just play the sims in a carefree way and make little legacy posts but alas, i am a chronic perfectionist and if every bit of what i make or post isnt perfect i get upset and rage-delete it lmao

#ren ramblings #its such a bad habit but like. #i cant have something published that im not happy with #and it seems im never happy unless something is perfect which it never is #which is why u probably have noticed ive never really had luck when posting gameplay lol #ive had some technical issues along the way but mainly i just ragequit and delete everything #sigh maybe one day i will be less difficult in that regard #but i dont see that happening ANY time soon

[taegularities]

🤍🫂🌹

#this is a very very soft announcement bc it might change (as you know me smh 🙄) #as some might remember i said like 1-2 months ago that id see how i feel about tumblr after cmi11.5 and see whether i want #to stay or close that chapter of my life! and i've been thinking about it a lotttt these days and i keep going back and forth #but i think depending on how everyone likes Entertainer it might be my last fic on here 🤍 #which again.. can change depending on my mood n motivation.. im also not saying this to get attention etc but to inform you where i stand :) #writing is just a looooot of effort and tumblr has been vvv quiet (i also think my blog has lost some relevance but that's okay!! things #move fast) #i have soooo many wips i love lol 😭 but im not sure if i have the energy to write 20-40k stuff when nobody's around anymore :( #but let's see how you like Entertainer bc im vvv excited for it!! 🥰 keep spreading love until then <3 #love you guys sm 🤍 #might delete since it's an unsure post.. just wanted those who see this or care to know 🫂

[pup-pee]

slooper!!!!!

small doodle i decided 2 digitalize

goodnightyy now :3 queueueing tjis weee

#i dont think bart would snore but i do think he drools #this makes sense #i sweeear #im having a moment where im just like damn…ppl like my chibi art more than my regular art #ehich is kinda downer till i realize OMG PPL LIKE MY ART!!!:D!!!!!! #ty ppl who like my art it makes me :3 makes me rlly happy!!! #my thoughts r like i might as well post my art even the 1s i dont like as much bc some1 will like it i think! then i try my hardest not #2 delete it lol #usually the art i dont rlly want ppl 2 see tho i just dont tag @ all #which always makes it scary when ppl do find it cause like WOAH ok skdhkskjcks notes on old posts is like the same thinf #idk y im typing about this stry im sleepyyy #bart finally sleeps 4 half an hr after rolling & wiggling 4 hrs b4 #then he wakes up & just enters daydreaming land idk #brrrrtgbnnnnbbbgfg aasaaaaaaaaaa #bart allen #puppee art #queue #or scedrulee?? im choosing a tando. m tome hehehehe

[frostedpuffs]

the agony of finishing a chapter, then having a realization later that the chapter Doesn't Work, then having to go in and delete thousands of words as if you didn't spend hours writing them...and knowing that it is for the best because the story flows better with the changes

#THE JOYS OF WRITING #im actually excited about the new direction this chapter is taking #and im saving the deleted scene(s) #but it's still a big OOF when i have to go in and DELETE CHUNKS!!! #just deleted a huge two thousand word chunk and im like. owie lol

[inkskinned]

one of the things that i think we should pay attention to, socially, about the disney v. desantis thing is that it is really highlighting the importance of remembering nuance.

in a purely neutral sense, if you engage in something problematic, that does not mean you are necessarily agreeing with what makes it problematic. and i am worried that we have become... so afraid of any form of nuance.

disney isn't my friend, they're a corporate monopoly that bastardized copyright laws for their own benefit, ruin the environment, and abuse their workers (... and many other things). this isn't a hypothetical for me - i grew up in florida. i also worked for the actual Walt Disney World; like, in the parks. i am keenly aware of the ways they hurt people, because they hurt me. i fully believe that part of the reason florida is so conservative is because it's been an "open secret" for years now that disney lobbies the government to keep minimum wage down, and i know they worked hard to keep the parks unmasked and open during the worst parts of Covid. they purposefully keep their employees in poverty. they are in part responsible for the way the floridian government works.

desantis is still, by a margin that is frankly daunting, way worse. the alternative here isn't just "republicans win", it's actual fascism.

in a case like this, where the alternative is to allow actual fascism into united states legislation - where, if desantis wins, there are huge and legal ramifications - it's tempting to minimize the harm disney is also doing, because... well, it's not fascism. but disney isn't the good guy, either, which means republicans are having a field day asking activists oh, so you think their treatment of their employees is okay?

we have been trained there is a right answer. you're right! you're in the good group, and you're winning at having an opinion.

except i have the Internet Prophecy that in 2-3 months, even left-wing people will be ripping apart activists for having "taken disney's side". aren't i an anti-capitalist? aren't i pro-union? aren't i one of the good ones? removed from context and nuance (that in this particular situation i am forced to side with disney, until an other option reveals itself), my act of being like "i hope they have goofy rip his throat out onstage, shaking his lifeless body like a dog toy" - how quickly does that seem like i actually do support disney?

and what about you! at home, reading this. are you experiencing the Thought Crime of... actually liking some of the things disney has made? your memories of days at the parks, or of good movies, or of your favorite show growing up. maybe you are also evil, if you ever enjoyed anything, ever, at all.

to some degree, the binary idealization/vilification of individual motive and meaning already exists in the desantis case. i have seen people saying not to go to the disney pride events because they're cash grabs (they are). i've seen people saying you have to go because they're a way to protest. there isn't a lot of internet understanding of nuance. instead it's just "good show of support" or "evil bootlicking."

this binary understanding is how you can become radicalized. when we fear nuance and disorder, we're allowing ourselves the safety of assuming that the world must exist in binary - good or bad, problematic or "not" problematic. and unfortunately, bigots want you to see the world in this binary ideal. they want you to get mad at me because "disney is taking a risk for our community but you won't sing their praises" and they want me to get mad at you for not respecting the legit personal trauma that disney forced me through.

in a grander scheme outside of disney: what happens is a horrific splintering within activist groups. we bicker with each other about minimal-harm minimal-impact ideologies, like which depiction of bisexuality is the most-true. we gratuitously analyze the personal lives of activists for any sign they might be "problematic". we get spooked because someone was in a dog collar at pride. we wring our hands about setting an empty shopping mall on fire. we tell each other what words we may identify ourselves by. we get fuckin steven universe disk horse when in reality it is a waste of our collective time.

the bigots want you to spend all your time focusing on how pristine and pretty you and your interests are. they want us at each other's throats instead of hand in hand. they want to say see? nothing is ever fucking good enough for these people.

and they want their followers to think in binary as well - a binary that's much easier to follow. see, in our spaces, we attack each other over "proper" behavior. but in bigoted groups? they attack outwards. they have someone they hate, and it is us. they hate you, specifically, and you are why they have problems - not the other people in their group. and that's a part of how they fucking keep winning.

some of the things that are beloved to you have a backbone in something terrible. the music industry is a wasteland. the publishing industry is a bastion of white supremacy. video games run off of unpaid labor and abuse.

the point of activism was always to bring to light that abuse and try to stop it from happening, not to condemn those who engage in the content that comes from those industries. "there is no ethical consumption under late capitalism" also applies to media. your childhood (and maybe current!) love of the little mermaid isn't something you should now flinch from, worried you'll be a "disney adult". wanting the music industry to change for the better does not require that you reject all popular music until that change occurs. you can acknowledge the harm something might cause - and celebrate the love that it has brought into your life.

we must detach an acknowledgment of nuance from a sense of shame and disgust. we must. punishing individual people for their harmless passions is not doing good work. encouraging more thoughtful, empathetic consumption does not mean people should feel ashamed of their basic human capacities and desires. it should never have even been about the individual when the corporation is so obviously the actual evil. this sense that we must live in shame and dread of our personal nuances - it just makes people bitter and hopeless. do you have any idea how scared i am to post this? to just acknowledge the idea of nuance? that i might like something nuanced, and engage in it joyfully? and, at the same time, that i'm brutally aware of the harm that they're doing?

"so what do i do?" ... well, often there isn't a right answer. i mean in this case, i hope mickey chops off ron's head and then does a little giggle. but truth be told, often our opinions on nuanced subjects will differ. you might be able to engage in things that i can't because the nuance doesn't sit right with me. i might think taylor swift is a great performer and a lot of fun, and you might be like "raquel, the jet fuel emissions". we are both correct; neither of us have any actual sway in this. and i think it's important to remember that - the actual scope of individual responsibility. like, i also love going to the parks. Thunder Mountain is so fun. you (just a person) are not responsible for the harm that Disney (the billion dollar corporation) caused me. i don't know. i think it's possible to both enjoy your memories and interrogate the current state of their employment policies.

there is no right way to interrogate or engage with nuance - i just hope you embrace it readily.

#does this make sense #to do be deleted probably yikes #(takes a swing at a wasp's nest) #like i think ppl have started to just be really quiet when they like something 'problematic' #and im like... u can be like - #girl tswift NEEDS to just TAKE A BUS . LIKE????????????????????? #while also being like. #''she's a lot of fun'' #if ur personal policy is that u don't support her for that reason that's great #but it's like. eating meat??? #like yeah some people won't bc the environment. but the fact i eat meat doesn't mean i hate the earth #like i can say that i think the meat industry is HORRIFIC and also downright cruel to its employees #but like. still enjoy a chicken nugget.... #there are people who choose otherwise. it's okay . we are people. i make like no money. u probably don't either #us fighting about whether or not it's Right To Eat The Chicken Tender just distracts from like. #actually turning your ire on the corporation #i hope it's clear what i'm saying here is like. when we fight each other for Purity Reasons #we are just doing the work of corporations . for free. like they WANT us to be doing this lol #it's the fucking DREAM of the upperclass that now ALL forms of responsibility fall on the individual

[andy-clutterbuck]

9x03 | Deleted Scene

#HELLO MY GORGEOUS OLD MAN #Rick Grimes #* #rg #S9 #deleting papa bear is a crime tbh #it's been 5 years and i #still want to rub his head like it's a crystal ball and i'm a cheap ass fortune teller at a county fair #💕 Fuzzy Daddy 💕 #like a gracefully aging king #who doesn't need to but he's still out leading his troops into battle #remember when i didn't have a favorite rick look? lol #lol lol lol #FLUFFY REGAL SANTA TEDDY BEAR FACE #timeshare in the Santa Beard #pack your bags I'm driving the bus 🚍 #his open collar would a nice place to rest your face #im just sayin #Papa Bear 🐻💕 #look at his big beautiful rectangle head #i love it

[deoidesign]

i just realized theyre named adam and steve. i need to go to bed

My dad is a pastor and I named them during church, fun fact

#if i had a dollar for every time someone said this to me maybe id be able to start saving for retirement LOL #no seriously i think its cute #its interesting to me the range of when people recognize it #reminds me the bubble i live in #uh. but yeah its like the 'not adam and steve' saying #i was like well. they ARE adam and Steve. #i was actually a youth pastor for a little bit #wild time #im not a Christian now #delete later #asks #anon

[revvywevvy]

hiiiiii guyyyyyys its been a while huh :] heres some pyrrlinas since its taking me forever to finish the other things i've been drawing of them and im impatient and cant wait anymore <3 (AND THIS TIME I REMEMBERED TO ADD THE WATERMARK LOL)

#913's art #ok to rb #♡ pyrrha alexandra #digital art #clip studio paint #self ship art #self insert #self insert community #wlw self ship #pyrrha alexandra #soulcalibur v #scv #//giggles and kicks my feet #//you guys like the improvement on drawing humans?~ i think ive been getting pretty good lately <3 #//this is the most proud of my art i think i've ever been in my life at least when it comes to drawing faces and hands and bodies and stuff #//it feels so nice because i get to reliably draw babygirl looking absolutely incredible whenever I want! :] #//spins around in circles #//please im so normal over her (lying) i love my wife so much you guys #//<- is on the verge of going absolutely rabid (more than usual) over that fictional woman #//ADDED TAG: I just copy-pasted everything from last time. so sorry if u rbed this before the deletion bc I deadass forgot #//to put the watermarks on both images. ive gotten too used to not sharing my art publicly and not needing one LOL

[pankomako]

this is the closest ive gotten to drawing failing four fanart in years

#failboat #fyrus #jaymoji #too bad gab's too busy to join them as much. would love to see a reunion stream one day #lol remember when i did incorrect tff. and then i had to delete twitter #fun times. anyway #i get the feeling i draw fyrus too similarly to juicebox (my oc) now i hope that's not the caseee #like i stg if you combined juicebox and hot-rod you'd pretty much get fyrus the way i draw him haha Whoops #cant believe boat's close friends with TWO bears. throw me in there youd straight up get goldilocks and the 3 bears but theyre all dudes #im mean im just kind of assuming they fit the physical description im. not actually sure but they seem like they would