#when im depressed i usually never want to leave my room and i dont so im trying to take advantage and

[crushedsweets]

Jdjejfjsjd can we know more about ninajack????? Pleasssseeee sucker????

I GOT YOU. i organized it by concept rambles, then if i were to write a 'getting together' one-shot thing.

A SORT OF BACKGROUND/GENERAL CONCEPT..

nina has a crush on everyone. usually its veryyy short and fleeting and she realizes it was moreso admiration and appreciation rather than romance, but its like she's hardwired for romantic love. even when she's "with" jeff (she calls him her boyfriend/fiancé but neither are very loyal), she's crushing like crazy

so, when she's introduced to Jack through Clocky.. he's tall, mysterious, has a nice voice, polite, freaky. SHE'S CRUSHING HARD. REALLY FUCKING HARD. like running off with clocky squealing and spinning and going 'I THINK IM IN LOOOVEEE HE'S SOOO FINEEEE' and clockys like no. you are not. please.

nina would start asking clocky/toby "ohh we should visit jack today i bet he's lonely lets go see him" and they see right through her shit. clockys more likely to be like 'i do not want you bothering him, i dont think he can take it' since she'd be aware of the whole... falling in love with jenny only to be horribly betrayed fiasco.... and even if she loves nina, she doesn't trust her not to hurt people. but toby is more likely to think its funny as fuck and bring nina along.

another big point is. nina's appearance matters a lot to her. she used it all her life to get what she wanted - ranging from when she was little and using doe-eyes to beg her dad for toys, to being a sexy, fun chick at the bar getting drinks from randos... but jack can't see her. he has thermavision and echolocation, so he gets the gist of her appearance, but it'd really mess with her. she doesn't think theres anything about her to love, other than her appearance and what she can give. but he really thinks she has a sweet voice, at least

A CURRENT STORY/ONE-SHOT CONCEPT

it would be after she officially breaks things off with jeff. jeff stabs her in the stomach, liu drags her to jack, and jack tends to her wounds.

they'd require her to stay with jack for a few days, just during her recovery.

nina's depressed, understandably, after the whole ordeal. jack gives him her room so she can actually lay down, and he sleeps on the couch. she never leaves his room, is always in there moping and crying and trying to contact jeff - but he's blocked her on literally everything, so..

it'd start by jack bringing nina meals. breakfast, lunch, and dinner, he'd bring her something and insist she eats. some days she would, some days she'd cry and beg him to leave and take it with him. he'll leave it alone for a while. "this isnt my problem" or whatever, but... she wont heal properly if she's not eating. so jack would eventually try collecting her, pulling her out by the hand and quietly asking her to come eat dinner with him. he'd insist it's for him, that he's been lonely, something like that - a little bit of manipulation, but it works. it gets her to eat.

he'd do it more often, and she'd think she's doing a good thing. he'd start bringing her out to cook with him, all that.

maybe one day while theyre cooking together, nina would be in such a good mood after a long time of moping, and he'd just comment on how nice her laugh is. and immediately she's like oh. woah. ok.

maybe that night, just like he asks her to eat with him so he's not lonely, she'd ask him to come lay with her so she's not lonely. then jack finally gets his fucking bed back. and nina, i guess....

bonus points cuz she'd be wearing his clothes. BIG AS FUCK ON HER. theyre so cute

#ninajack #hcs #creeped #nina the killer #eyeless jack

[soloorganaas]

Talk dirty to me about Sirius Black and bpd

I've been headcanoning the Blacks (Walburga, Sirius and Regulus all) as bipolar but I've been too. cautious? to write them as such explicitly

but I'd like to

anon my beloved im sorry this took me so long but it gets me in the FEELS talking about bipolar sirius so i gotta ration it out

(i'm gonna make a separate post about writing sirius/the house of black generally as bipolar bc i know its something people are cautious about and is worth discussing itself)

okay heres some little bipolar sirius headcanons. cw for some intense mental health stuff

when sirius is manic as a kid he associates that come down with clashes with his parents. and bc he knows its going to happen he makes it happen. he pushes the boundaries as far as he can and chases the adrenaline and ends up in huge fights until he's locked up in his room, which he will forever associate with a terrifying, all-consuming sadness

he doesn't REALISE that other people's families dont have breakdowns every other week and when he does figure it out he just puts it down to his family being uniquely crazy bc they're just evil like that

he has absolutely zero emotional regulation which gives him a quick reputation of being dramatic and over the top so he leans into it hard

he has more intelligence than he knows what to do with and if he doesnt have something to do with it he'll direct it towards self-destructiveness instead

james is one of the best things to ever happen to him for this reason. james is just as smart and high energy and bc they both obviously have adhd they cant sit and focus on anything that isnt extremely interesting and rewarding (so not classes) for a single moment. thus the most daring and ingenuitive pair of pranksters is born

james is the first and for a long time only person to see sirius when he slips into deep depression. he never for a second judges. after a couple of years he knows how to predict it, and is already waiting with food that will drag sirius out of bed, pranks to plan at the back of the classroom that stop him missing so many classes it raises eyebrows, and an endless stream of jokes and games and distractions that stop sirius sinking into his head too much

james understands sirius at his highs and is there for him at his lows, but remus is the first person who truly understands how deep and dark those lows go

part of the reason sirius is so entranced with remus is bc they share a darkness inside of them they're determined to hide bc the world already expects it to mean they're evil

sometimes when sirius is especially manic to the point of losing his mind he wonders if he is

full moons are oddly the most regulating thing for sirius (which he would never ever admit to remus even if he had the words, but remus notices anyway) because it gives him a fixed, predictable up and down. one night a month he knows he can go wild and break the rules and let his energy out in the safety of his friends

sirius seems like he doesn't want to read bc most of the time he just doesn't have the patience. but whenever he's sitting at the back of the classroom or kept up at night or wandering aimlessly through the grounds and conjures up some idea by his brain working a mile at a minute that obviously needs to be explored, he will, at those points, spend hours upon hours pouring through books to find what he wants

this is large part of how the animagi idea comes up

sirius is on a high for most of september after finally leaving his house for his home. he crashes for most of october (the odd shift in seasons and long dark days don't help). he usually picks up by the time quidditch season and pre-halloween prank season begins

remus is the only one who can calm sirius down. bc he's calm himself, bc he actually understands why sirius is driving himself crazy from his own energy, bc sirius knows this and doesn't feel belittled or dismissed by remus

as such some of sirius's worst moments are when remus isn't speaking to him, or worse, is so angry he's terrified he's going to lose him, bc it's not just heartbreak, it's also his whole anchor

sirius was actually terrible at school until he met james bc he simply couldn't concentrate locked in a room for 8 hours with reg and his tutor. but james is exactly the same and they discover within a couple of months they can learn the entire syllabus partly through picking it up by ear through professors, partly the essays they finish in one sitting in the early morning hours before its due, but mostly through figuring out the magic themselves by pranking each other (and everyone else)

at some point snape does something to terrify the shit out of sirius so much he can't think straight. maybe snape threatens him, or james, or remus, or reg. whatever it is, sirius's mind narrows to the single goal of somehow terrifying snape even more than he did sirius, and he follows every ounce of manic adrenaline without heed to consequences to do so. this is the first time james is truly furious at sirius for something manic he did. it's not the first time remus is, but it's the first time sirius truly thinks he won't forgive him

sirius is more scared than anyone during the war, because he has absolutely no ability to regulate the extreme emotional onslaught he's subjected to. his only support network is remus, and remus simply cannot handle that alone

destroying relationships with people you love out of nowhere in a whirlwind of self-destruction is a peak bipolar symptom that's pretty much all i have to say about the war

sirius doesn't really have manic episodes like he used to during azkaban, bc they suck all of the good emotions out of him. but he does get occasional waves of frustration, of restless energy, of an urge to just do something. its quickly weighed down by the futility of it all, by the reminder he's lost everything and it's all his fault and there's nothing he can do. until he sees peter's photo in the prophet, and from then on he is single-mindedly devoted to that task. there's no sense of what's possible or dangerous or his own limitations, just a manic drive to get out of here

mania is pretty much what drives sirius over the next few months bc he hasn't felt it in so long its uncontrollable. he would never cross hundreds of miles, evade the ministry, track harry down, keep himself alive without it. but he also spends most of that time as a dog because his human thoughts are just too much

he falls into deep deep depression as soon as he stops running which coincides with the exact time someone convinces him he needs to stay locked up in grimmauld place for his own good

now however its 1995, and even if the wizarding world remains stuck in time, the muggle world actually knows what bipolar disorder is. remus, who spent a good amount of the past fourteen years living in the muggle world with chronic depression, and andromeda, who grew up surrounded by people with a similar condition to sirius, is also well connected with the muggle world, and has a husband who's a healer, both figure out that sirius is very ill. sirius is proud and stubborn and also utterly uncaring about his own wellbeing whilst harry is in danger, but remus and andromeda are used to all of this and know how to get sirius the help that he needs, and the result is that he actually does

there are potions for growing bones there are absolutely potions to regulate moods

everything is shit and impossibly hard to deal with for a long long time, not least because azkaban alters your brain so much you have to rewire it through endless positive reinforcement to get anywhere close to healing, and who can do that in a war? but now he has actual medical help, and words for what's going on in his brain which is brilliant now he's actually certifiably crazy moony, but there's so much relief at some point he breaks down crying bc finally he understands even a small part of all the madness people have accused him for a lifetime of

remus is still his anchor even if it takes months to get to a place where they can trust each other beyond loyalty to the order and to harry, and much longer to be as vulnerable as they were before 1981. but when they get there its a thousand times better because now they know themselves and each other enough to slowly, slowly build the stability and peace they both always needed

harry has a kid who has adhd and sirius is the first person to figure it out ❤️

#really put my whole bipolarussy into this one #sirius black #wolfstar #hp #hp meta #meta

[ineedjesusverymuch]

Diabolik lovers headcanons bc im bored

Hi, I'm new here and I'm gonna make some headcanons. I'm gonna start with kanato because I have the most hc of him (I don't even know why). And just a short warning: I ship him with azusa for some of those.

Don't like it don't read it I guess

So there will be a few hc with azusa and him

A trigger warning here. I'm gonna talk about some topics that may upset some people. (Anxiety, trauma, maybe some other stuff, probably depression too)

If you are sensitive to any of these topics, PLEASE dont read this post.

A short NSFW will come too at the end. I'm gonna mark it like this.

Kanato uses a lot of skincare products. He just does. Sometimes he is a lil bit overexcessive simply bc he wants to hold up his image of a perfect doll-like body

dis boy has so much trauma, and he needs somebody to talk. Definitely traumadumps sometimes, does not have really control over this

Maniputative but all the fake crying leaves a strain on his mental health, and so does the screaming. So scared that somebody is gonna leave him, even though he currently has nobody. Its a lingering feeling and it drives him crazy

Had defenitely a big crush on Azusa

But was never able to tell him BC of crippling anxiety and his inability to confess his real feelings (especially to somebody who was just so much like...him)

Still sad about it (and still hopes that Azusa maybe feels the same)

Scared to really love somebody (when they leave what will he do then? He doesn't know and doesn't want to find out either)

Pansexual and leans into demi sexual a little bit. (Those are my own hc)

A demi boy. Likes to dress androgynous with a lot of feminine hints. But definitely pulls of more masculine clothing too

Reaaaaalllly loves to cuddle. He is probably just as much of a cuddlebug as Azusa but he doesnt like to show that side of him. Kanato thinks it makes him weak

Scared of crowds, has social anxiety

Has attachmend issues that startet when his brothers and he startet to fight about the affection from their mother

Loves butterflys and pretty horses (and can ride too, he loves especially Frisians)

Speaks a lot of languages.

Like Italian (he spoke it in one of the games for a spell he made)

He loves romantic languages like italian, french and spain

Is able to speak English, has a really strong British accent

Can speak a bit of Russian (The triplets wanted to learn it when they were younger)

A pro when it comes to makeup

Like he can make you look beautiful in 10 minutes

Looooves lolita style (especially dark clothes paired with cute accessories)

A sucker for themed candy (bad punch I know)

stuffed animals.

Has a big obsession with his nails. They have to be clean and long, and they all need to be the same length !

hates candy corn. Deeply resents it

But loves all other candy

Tried to grow by drinking a lot milk. Didn't work. He was upset for a week

Cuddles with Shu. Its the only time he makes something with his oldest brother

Shu enjoys the quiet, calm moments with Kanato

When he realizes that his anxiety is getting worse he will usually go to Reiji or to Subaru (when he goes to anybody really) (Usually he just stays in his room and hopes that it will stop fast)

They will do their best to calm him down and distract him from the dark thoughts (of his past Or just other dark stuff. We all know how f*cked up his mind is)

Has a lot of nightmares and gets panic attacks a lot

They usually occur when Kanato is stressed or he gets triggered by a certain scent or sound

Its really hard to calm Kanato down once he has startet to get panicked and/or nervous

Has a comfort blanket

Is really sensitive with fabrics and how they feel

Loves Satin and Velvet

Hates scratchy fabrics

Loves clothes with embroidery

Kanato likes head massages almost as much as back massages

He is so tense, once Yuma gave him a massage and now he practically begs Yuma for another one anytime the Mukamis are at the Sakamaki Mansion

Likes to get dressed up

Really enjoys scrapbooking (even though his pages are very chaotic)

Sewed a teddy for Azusa once

Loves 3/4 pants. Just loves them

Short NSFW

a switch. Sorry not sorry

Pls his top has to be nice to him or he will cry

But likes to top too

Likes tounge kisses

Really good at flirting like he will make you fall for him in 10 minutes

Out of the triplets, he has the highest body count (nobody knows how and Laito and Ayato are very irritated by that)

Is down for almost everything

Really loves PDA

BDSM? Probably, depends on his mood

Pro at eating out. Nobody can change my mind. He just is

Aftercare pro. A lot of cuddles and he WILL make sure you feel good.

NSFW over now

sry just wanted to write that. It was in my head for a really long time.

Those are only my personal opinions of Kanato. If you disagree, thats alright.

This is NOT my character, but my headcanons.

If y'all wanna read more just write in the comments. I will continue this probably, depends on if anybody reads it or not.

(Even if not Im gonna continue this, when I'm being honest. It helps me to write this all out.)

Next hc will be Azusa i guess

If sb wants to read Kanato x Azusa hc, I'm gonna write that too.

See y'all and thank you for reading my confusing thoughts.

#Kanato #Azusa #Kanato Sakamki #Diabolik Lovers #DL #dl #headcanons Kanato #LGBTq #lgbtqplus #that is from my tired brain #sakamaki #sakamaki family #headcanons

[thegoober010]

HELLO HELLO! Tis I!

A non-undertale related one today, which is,, insane for me.

Can you write father figure Shane stardew valley and his child who started drinking? And Shane is like “I know how that feels but you dont have to do this” and and and JADJFJFFJFJ

my daddy issues show whenever i request father figure writing because its always angsty

It can be a one shot or headcanons :3

-🐾

OMG GRAAAAA HEY PAW PRINT ANON I MISSED YOU SNOOKIE 😻😻!!!!

ALSO WOWZERS NON-UNDERTALE RELATED!!! SHOCKING!!(IM FOOLING AROUND TEEHEE) AND OMG OFC I CAN!!!

I WOULD NEVER EXPECT SHANE TO BE FATHER FIGURE MATERIAL BUT REAL !!!

IMA DO A ONE-SHOT AS A SORRY FOR MY ABSENCE GRAAAAAAAA!!

GENDER NEUTRAL READER AS USUAL <3!!

characters -> Father figure Shane (that's all-!!)

TW/CW -> substance abuse, mentions of depression, using alcohol as self-harm, and swearing- obviously-!

word count -> 2k/2192

On a serious note, if you or anyone you know is suffering from depression and is using unhealthy coping mechanisms such as drinking to try and drown their sorrows, please know that there is resources, there is help, and you/they are not alone. Please talk to someone or listen to them, because it's obvious you/they need it. Speak up before it is too late and leads to more risky behaviors. You're not alone and neither should they be. Things will get better, without happiness there won't be struggle, but without any struggle there will be no happiness. Things may be bad now, but it will turn out okay. You never know when your day of happiness shall come, so please don't give up and please do not use such unhealthy coping mechanisms, all they do is cause even more harm dear. Please talk to someone 💗.

now that, that's outta the way uhhhh onto the one-shot -!

"I know how that feels but.. you don't have to do this."

Just one more bottle. Just one more! What's the harm in one more drink? After all it's not like you're addicted or anything! No, no of course not! It's just for some temporary relief, it's not like you drink almost every damn hour of your life and waste your days lying in bed. Fuck. You allowed a soft sigh to escape your lips as you laid in bed on your side, hugging your knees and covering yourself with the blanket. You were in your room, per usual, you just finished your last bottle of alcohol yesterday and were hungover. You had a huge headache, you felt like throwing up and your stomach hurt, bad. You kept on over drinking even though you knew how it would affect you later, you kept drinking because it was your only escape from this shitty place. This town fucking sucked if we're gonna be honest, you felt like no one liked you, no matter what you did nothing was ever good enough, you wanted to leave, go explore but you couldn't you were stuck here due to the fact you don't have enough money to actually live yourself. Not only that but the people sucked. The mayor? He's absolute shit, making the farmer do all the work at this point. The people? Well some were nice but other times they're assholes if they don't know you well enough which sucked, a few were nice but... the town just sucked in general. All you could really do was just wallow in pity and drink your problems away, all your insecurities, it all felt like they were gone once you grabbed that bottle. You know it's wrong though, it hurt and tasted awful at first but you're slowly getting used to the feelings, sometimes you wonder if you should upgrade from alcohol to something more strong... maybe it'll help more? Right..?... fuck.

You groaned as you rubbed the side of your head. It hurt like hell. You had dark circles under your eyes, your hair was all messed up and frizzy, your lips were chapped and dry. It was quite obvious you weren't properly taking care of yourself, it could be spotted from a mile away. All of a sudden as you twist and turned in your bed you spotted your father, Shane, entering the room. You groaned and got up, quickly rubbing your eyes and fixing up your hair. "Hey, kiddo, you alright?" Shane asked. You nodded, giving him a quick hum as you put your shoes on, you didn't want your dad seeing you like this, you'd rather make a quick get away than let him see you not taking care of yourself because you know damn well he'd give you some long ass talk that you just don't have the patience to deal with today. "Mhm, I'll see you later dad." You mutter as you lazily tied your shoelaces, you quickly left your dad there with a concerned look on his face.

You made your way over to the Stardrop Saloon, as you made your way there you checked your pockets, quickly looking at the money you had to make sure you had enough to buy a beer or something of that sort. "Oh fuck yeah." You mutter as you saw you had just enough for one! You hummed as you made your way to the Saloon. You quickly threw the door open, making Gus raise a brow as he looked at you, he let out a small groan as he saw your face, even he was a bit concerned since you had been coming there more often. "The usual?" He asked earning a quick nod out of you. You sat down on one of the seats, quickly handing him the gold. He counted it before he raised a brow once he finished. "Uh, it's not enough, you're missing 2 gold." Gus said before he handed back the money, going back to cleaning a cup. You give him a confused stare. "The hell you mean I'm missing 2 gold? It's the same amount of money I gave you a week ago for a beer!" You exclaimed, you quickly lowered your voice as you saw the strange stares some of the people gave you. You cleared your throat slightly before shutting up. "Mhm, well the prices were raised recently." explained Gus, causing you to roll your eyes. "It's just 2 gold, come on! I'll pay the 2 gold tomorrow!" You negotiated, all Gus did was shake his head. "Sorry, I can't trust you to pay it tomorrow." Gus replied. You scoffed as you got off the chair. "Ugh.. fine, I'll see ya tomorrow I guess. Bye Gus." You grumbled as you made your way out the door. You let out a yawn, making your way back home.

You uttered curses under your breath as you made your way home. You leaned your head back, looking up at the stars as you followed the path back home. The sky was beautiful, sometimes you wondered what it would be like to be up there. Perhaps you would make a beautiful sky? Fuck, why are you thinking like this? Damnit. 'Just.. just focus on making it home' You thought to yourself. You turned your head to the side, taking notice of how the grass was blown ever so slightly by the gentle wind. Crickets chirped and the moon's light shun onto the grass and onto a lonely, empty bench. You stared silently at it for a while. 'A break from walking isn't so bad.' You though before making you way and plopping down onto it. You kept your hands in your hoodie pockets, your head leaning to the side as you looked up at the night sky. Your headache slowly started to come back as you finally tried to relax. Your eye-lids started feeling heavy, a soft sigh escaped as you your head leaned left, you felt so damn tired, you could just sleep right then and there. As you started to shut your eyes you felt a tap on your shoulder, causing you to almost immediately jump. "AH WHAT THE FUCK-" You yelled when you felt a hand on your shoulder, causing Shane to stare a bit shocked from your reaction. "Wow, calm down there kiddo." Shane said, taking his hand off. You let out a relieved sigh realizing it was just your dad. You clutched your chest as you calmed your breathing. "Ah- shit.. sorry dad you scared me there." You uttered.

Shane nodded in acknowledgment. "Is this spot taken?" he asked, obviously knowing the answer but wanting to check if his child was comfortable enough to let him sit near them. You shook your head. "No- uh no, sit if you want." You reply while rubbing the side of your neck awkwardly from the earlier exchange. You did not mean to scream that loud, damn. Shane nodded, quickly taking a seat next to his kid. You kept your obvious distance from him though, and it was quite obvious form the space between you two. "Uh, hey kid. Look, we gotta talk." Shane spoke softly, yet there was a hint of concern in his tone, he looked over at you. You raised a brow, you looked up at him for a bit before quickly looking away, leaning your head the opposite of where he was sitting. "Hm? 'Bout what?" You asked, crossing your arms and biting the side of your nails. "About your... problem with alcohol." Shane said bluntly, damn, just straight to the point. You almost choke on your spit, you continued to bite the side of your nails, your eyes grew wide before you shook your head, calming yourself down ever so slightly. "The hell are you talking about dad?" You ask, playing dumb. He furrowed his brows before placing a rough hand on your shoulder. "Don't act dumb, I know what you've been doing." Shane said, he was trying to be as calm as possible, his tone showed how worried he was though, you were going down the same path as he did before he had you, and he can't bear to see that. You tense up as his hand was roughly placed on your shoulder. You immediately pull his hand away. "THE HELL IS YOUR PROBLEM? I told you I'm not doing anything!?" You yell. You furrow your brows, your eyes squinting slightly as you did so. He seemed a bit surprised by your sudden snap. "Hey, calm down." Shane said calmly, he put his hands onto his lap, understanding you didn't want to be touched right now.

"Look, I know you want to act like nothing's happening, but I can tell when somethings wrong. You're my child, I don't want you hiding things from me, especially if it's making you make the same mistakes I did before." Shane explained, he stared at you while you looked away from him. "What are you talking about?" You ask, "I found the bottle under your bed kid. I know what you've been doing." Shane replied calmly. You immediately turned your head to look over at him, eyes wide. Fuck, you forgot to throw that bottle away. "Fffuck." You muttered, you rubbed the bridge of your nose in frustration, slouching as you rested your elbows on your knees. Your breath got shaky as you started to feel tears swell up in the inner corners of your eyes. Shane almost immediately noticed, he quickly placed a hand on your back, rubbing your back in circles. "Hey, hey, it's okay I'm not mad nor am I disappointed, okay? Hey it's okay." Shane reassured, yet you couldn't help but feel like such a disappointment. How could you be so damn stupid and let him find out? How could you let your dad down like this? You couldn't help but cry.

Shane took immediate notice, although he wasn't the best when it comes to comforting, especially comforting people, he tried. He pulled you into a quick embrace. Rubbing circles on your back as you cried. "Hey, it's okay. I'm not mad, I'll never be angry at you for something like this kid, so don't worry about whether I am or not, because I genuinely inly am not. I'm just worried on why you would look for comfort in drinking instead of telling me how you feel. Do you not trust me maybe?" Shane asked as he continued to keep you in a warm embrace. You shook your head. "No no no no it's not that... it's not that at all, I hic- just I.. I can't bring myself to.. to tell you any of the things I feel I-I feel bad doing that I don't want to burden you pa." You explain between sobs, trying your best not to make Shane feel like a bad father, because he wasn't he tried his best to stray you from the same path he had gone through yet here you were, going down the same road. You couldn't help but feel like you disappointed him because of that. Shane nodded in acknowledgment, he grabbed your cheeks and wiped away your tears gently with one hand while the other kept rubbing circles on your back in a calming motion. "Alright alright, I understand. But please, please for the love of god tell me whatever is happening, I don't want you to end up like how I did. You don't deserve that kiddo, you deserve to be happy. I learned from my mistakes which is why I never wanted you to go down the same path of addiction I went through. Please, whatever's happening tell me and I'll support you through it, not just because I don't want you to end up like how I did, but because I'm your dad. That's what I'm ment to do, help through difficult times. I know you can't help it but don't feel bad for reaching out to your own dad." He reminded you. "I love you kiddo, I'm your dad and I'm going to help you get through this alright, we'll get proper help because I don't want to lose you. I've gone through the same thing and this.. I know how it feels but... you don't have to do this kid."

You nodded in acknowledgment, it felt good to have him reassure you like this. It helped you realize how much you really mean to him. "Thanks dad..." You mumbled, your voice cracked ever so slightly, your voice also showed how tired you really were. You clung onto him. He sighed before picking you up like a child, although you were an adult he could kinda carry you easily. You let out a muffled sigh as you clung onto him, your eye-lids feeling heavier. You closed them and felt close to drifting off to sleep, but your headache would not allow you to. "My head hurts." You mutter. Shane nods in acknowledgment as he carries you back home. "Don't worry kiddo I'll give you medicine when we get home." Shane replied. You nodded slightly before giving him a hum of acknowledgment.

"I love you kid, and I'm going to help you no matter what"

#stardew valley #stardew valley shane #shane stardew valley #sdv #sdv shane #sdv fanfic

[poetrypage-for-anewage]

UGHHHH

...

I freakin wrote all this stupid beautiful shit for her, POURED all of myself into it, dedicated time to communicate in the most artistic, well thought out, non negative or aggressive way possible, and she fucking ignored and avoided it.

So I waited for a good moment and we video chatted all normal and happy, and then she talked to me about all the guys messaging her because she just joined fb dating when she already has guys from every social media possible blowing her up. Like she doesn't already hangout with enough of them?!

Freshly single and free from your x, and not a nice one, so I get it, I understand.

But fuck.

Do you really not have any emotions left or do you just really not care?

You want me to be here, but you just constantly say things to me that would've killed you a couple years ago.

Have you changed that much?

People break, but broken things can be put back together and be more beautiful then before..

But,..

You just seem like you genuinely don't care to cause pain.

You must be numb,..

Or just ignorant oblivious of common shit from those types of things happening to you.

Or worse, you honestly don't care...

This was supposed to be short.

As tiny as you.

The veil must come down

This beautiful image of you.

My eyes probably deceive me

Or my mind lies about what the signs mean.

This abundant knowledge of life and sociology,

Im walking around blind,

Like my brain is hiding it from me.

My heart has convinced it,

"This needs to be done!"

"We fucking love that girl, plus you guys always have fun!"

"Me and the brain, on this we agree

All of us grew, and made

the best memories.

It's already been done 3 times,

Shit you might as well try 4.

What's the fuckin difference,

We're pretty good at

Scraping you off the floor."

But

I need to see past,

these drunk goggles,

They're clearly irash..

But

Irrational isn't usually who I am,

I'm a confident man.

Social skills with understanding

Like the snap of a hand.

Quick fast and completely,

I can always read a room.

There is no social situation,

I can't rationally take in hand.

But when it involves you,

I might have to ask,

But you give me every clue.

I don't want to believe,

These bad

thoughts about you

We Choose to see good

Our brain literally ignores the bad.

But if it told you all the bs information,

You wouldn't be glad, because all of that information

is too much to have.

Just think about the good, and ignore the bad

This IS what life is, so why are you mad?

Come on BRO, just act like a Chad,

fuck bitches no heart, you'll never be sad.

What's there to lose? Somebody,

to your heart, who

always hits snooze?

At least

you won't get in these moods,

it's depressing, these broods.

Your literally fucking up Other connections,

and making THEM sad.

Stop passing the negativity,

It's not a beer your not a Chad.

So

Pick yourself

the fuck up

It's a beautiful day,

your friends will be glad.

You

WILL feel

Better, you know

It will be rad.

Loving

Is made by happiness

Stop

focusing on the one

Who

makes you constantly Sad.

Other

People want to appreciate

The

Internal beauty you have.

Leave

The dark depressing room

So

Give yourself to life

Go

With the current, silly

Must

You go against life?

You

Must have really gone

Mad

Come into the light

Go

Find somebody who's right

Dont

Give up on yourself

Hollis,

Future starts right now.

#writers on tumblr #writerscommunity #from the source #artist profile #tumblr artist alley #featured artist #artists on tumblr #tumblr poems #my post #emotional poems #poetry on tumblr #poets on tumblr #quotes on tumblr #tumblr poet society #tumblr poetry #young artist #artforyou #my poems #my poetry #poetic #poem #poetry #my poem #original poem #poems and quotes #poemsforthesoul #poetic prose #poetryforbeginners #poetsandwriters #sad poetry

[luckiest-dice]

I honestly dont know what ive done wrong. I know *something* ive done wrong because ive changed a whole lot as a person, and not in the good way.

I dont like who i am now. I dont like the life I have. I dont like the way i treat people. I dont like that my boyfriend bangs the table when he gets mad at a game.

I dont like that ive hurt my friends. I dont like that the one friend i have, i feel like im losing him. I dont like that i cant seem to go back to who i was. I miss my mom. I miss my room and i want to go back. I miss my friends and i want to go back.

I want to go back to when i was a teenager and despite being depressed, i didnt have heavy life-or-death matters depending on my behavior. I want to go back to my moms house, i want to go back to who i was before i ever did cocaine or drank alcohol or was mean and isolated.

I want to go back to before i moved to the Uk. I wish i had never left my moms house so i could have not messed up my life completely.

Im scared because it feels like what ill do in the next month will be set in stone. Ill have to move to a different city with my boyfriend. And live there and enjoy it and build a life, because hes doing a phD there.

What if i dont want to. What if i want to do my own things, what if i want to go to spain, what if i want to completely change the course of my life.

What if i want to live alone, where i can set the temperature as warm as i need it, where i know it will be clean because no one will be sneezing all over all objects, and sitting on my bed with outside clothes and not taking his shoes off inside the house and not put the wet towel back in its place, and not eat in the bed and leave crumbs?

If i lived alone it would just be me and my cat. It would be warm and cozy and clean. And it would be quiet and no one would get angry and break things. No one would punch stuff because of outbursts.

I would have to earn my own money and pay my own things. Which would be hard because i can barely take care of myself on the bad days, but i would have no choice.

But i guess i like him. Do i? I hope i do. Sometimes i do but lately hes been all weird. Hes been so stubborn and colder than usual. It puts me off, i dont like it. It feels scary, to be close to a man that always thinks hes right, being even more full of himself and full of unreasonable anger.

On the nice days hes nice. Hes sweet and he tries hard for me, and i notice it and i appreciate it. Hes a reasonable person and hes got ideals that align with mine to an extent. Hes respectful to other people (even though it tends to be pick and choose, and only when its convenient to him)

On some days i could not do it without him. Or thats what i think. Either way im glad he was next to me many of the times i felt bad.

Im tired im going to lay down

#vent #personal vent

[evandorepart2]

longgggg fucking vent post under the cut. idk if it even counts as vent i am simply relaying information about the situation and i am unsure how i should feel right now

oh my fucking GOD my brother is such an asshole like. ok so whats happened over the past couple days is that

i hit a depressive period. it is Obvious -> since im depressed i dont have energy to eat or cook much and ive been struggling with making sure to eat Before this -> we have recently got groceries and there are muffins. before this i was literally eating a slice of bread so i would at the very least not pass out or vomit so obviously when we have that im going to switch to Depending on that -> this is something i do a lot, unconciously, to eat. i have a single 'meal' and stick with it until its run out. whether or not it has lots of steps.

what happened after this is

my brother gets pissed cause i ate all the muffins and he calls me a bitch and some other stuff idr cause i deleted the messages -> i am hanging by a thread and being confronted abt an insecurity on multiple levels makes me very upset -> i attempt to deflect these feelings by joking about it so that i can convince myself that im not upset -> he responds negatively and calls me annoying + brings up the fact that hes the only one whos been cleaning downstiars and subtly implying that im lazy and never do any work. a fact he Has said to my face despite this being proven Not True many times. and none of the Mess hes been cleaning up is mine since i have not been using the kitchen / using dishes / had items isolated to a single small table -> i get more upset and decide to be honest and write a short, frank note [bc this is all over text bc he never talks to me face to face] saying that i am depressed. its difficult to eat and i wasnt even Thinking of him [as he is someone who regularly gets on everyone else for eating junk sweet food so i dont think he wnats that stuff] and i apologize for being a dick and thank him for cleaning up.

after this he does not respond which means that there is nothing else he wants to say on the matter. that was a few days ago and i do not talk / go near him. ive phsyically seen him Three times since this exchange. and they lasted a few seconds since i quickly Left The Area.

today was the first time hes messaged me since then to tell me to do the dishes. i Was going to - was debating not to but then it got into my head as a Task I Need To Finish before i could continue what i was doing - but when i went downstairs he was on the couch and this scared me so i went back upstairs and was promising to do it tomorrow.

Until i had another breakdown and completely reorganized all my projects so i wouldnt have an unproductive spiral. and then i just finished so i thought Now i will do the dishes so i can get back into doing my Other Tasks. that is if they werent done - the thing with the dishes is that he said he was going to cook. which is how it usually goes. so its not like he just told me to clean LOL

but during this time i had headphones on which are sound proof and as i was going outside i took them off and realized the tv was on which means hes downstairs. and also i could smell meat cooking, meaning he was making dinner. its at this point i was like. whoops i didnt do the dishes that sucks but also. i Have told him i was in the middle of a depressive period. i havent been eating and i havent been leaving my room at all. even my father picked up on this. its easy to assume that he understands that hey! maybe youll tell me to do something and i just dont do it. for gods sake i didnt even answer the text bc i didnt want to say id do it and then not do it.

so i went to shower instead and felt really sick standing up since obviously i havent eaten and it feels like my stomach is caving in and i can smell food cooking which just makes it significantly worse.

which is whatever. i leave. i think about whether or not my pride will let me go downstairs when he tells me hes made dinner. NOTE: my father is gone today - hes partying with his work friends as a going away thing. so it is just us.

except! he hasnt texted me at all! in fact! its been half an hour since i know he cooked and nothing has been said to me. which leaves the options. he made something else and i can just fend for myself. he made the original meal [which was burgers and takes a while to do cause he does it from scratch] and was pissed that i didnt do the dishes so he didnt make me any. or hes still cooking and has yet to text me [doubtful]

which. i dont know which is worse! and i am unsure if i am allowed to be upset by this!

because on one hand yea. i was supposed to do the dishes and i couldnt even bring myself to do that.

but on the other hand. man im fucking depressed. it took two days of convincing to get me to brush my teeth again. i am getting physically ill from lack of food and ive been having casual thoughts of suicide again. and its not like he doesnt know. like ive told him. ive left out my diagnosis papers so he could see them - which he told me hes read ! im not 'suffering in silence' or whatever. im just FUCK i dont know. i hate this stupid family.

its like everyone looks at me and goes. yea you have problems. but the second i start i dont fucking know having problems everyone gets soooo mad at me and tells me how awful and lazy and how im literally never going to ammount to anything or do anything < real words that my brother had said ! he went off very long on how pathetic i am to my father and only 'apologized' like a day later when he was high which was barely even an apology he just said sorry and then hung up.

its like every time i try to get better and then everyone around me just. fucking i dont even know man. my mom hates me. my brother hates me. my father hates everything i like and everything i stand for and completely refuses to ever listen to me actually talk. im awful person to everyone around me and all my friends and im not getting out of this hell hole. nothing is going to change when i get to iowa. im just gonna be the same shitty person in an even shittier country with people and family that i hate

[ace-mob-boss]

I am so undeniably overwhelmed at all times no matter what it looks like I'm doing because it's never what I should be. My productivity hours are 11-3 and 5-7, but thats when im supposed to fucking sleep.

And I wanna work out more like, fr before i end up killing myself over my weight on some dumb shit. I don't wanna get to that point but I'm getting worse and worse at communication, i use to just leave it be when i hurt someone on accident and they get mad vcus i apologized and it was an accident and now i sit there biting my knuckles like "FUCK! FUCK. FUCK" every time.

anyways, my communication skills are so bad and i would go to the gym or on walks for a couple hours everyday if I could simply do it alone and dictate my own routine. not my moms.

The ellipitical makes me wanna tear my fucking hair out when someone else TELLS me to do it.

I should get substantially better at getting work done now that i have headphones though, people dont understand that i actually am very bad at getting work done when im not listeniing to music, especially when considering that not only does it help me concentrate but when im listening to music i often try to mainly type, but also write, to the beat. i might tap my fingers along to and throw them out in a flappy kinda way. kinda like when you do explosions with your hands but in a more coordinated way, at least, coordinated to me.

Regardless, without music im shit at concentrating, especially in english. part of the reason my english skills have deteriorated so badly regardless of my high ass reading level, skills and comprehension, because I am officially on college level reading since last year according to the state, I can't pay attention to books in class for the most part. If I start before everyone else adn am left uninterrupted I will annotate on my own and read the whole thing. The problem comes up when they stop letting me do that or they start making other students read a loud. Like, my stupid ass englissh teacher make me take my heapdhone out one time, for no reason when i was actively reading my text and ahead of the class, which i then stopped working cus not only was i now bored as shit, but she also had students reading aloud when they didn't even know the words with a MICROPHONE.

Anyways, i got off track, it went downhill in 8th grade where i literally almost failed english because of the damn school. So usually, since like, 2nd grade where i would do entire hw packets in the beginning of the year, i would start reading the book early or read ahead of where everyone else was. I often got in trouble for it but for years and years, I'd even borrow the books without being seen which was against the rules no matter how safe you were, and I'd read at home or in school. If I don't read ahead I don't pay attention. I dont know how it works but whenever im on the same pace as others i either quickly fall behind because i usually answer questions more extensively then asked or i get stuck rereading the same page, who know why. But in 8th grade they didn't want me doing that and so they would keep the book name a secret, explicitly said to stop me on multiple occasicons from buying and reading the book early. Then they would also send me a copy late/last in the class so i couldnt read ahead. then they wondered how i was failing when they've SEEN the pattern in which i always read the book ahead on purpose.

Anyways, fuck english, it's my worst subject. ON another note. i keep letting my room get dirty even though it bothers me for some reason. it just piles on and on until i force myself to clean it. Also, i am depressed. I don't care if my mom tries to say i just heard it off the internet. I am better than i was before but sometimes i simply cannot gain the will power to do things. Sometimes i ponder my existence in the world as everything goes to shit. and sometimes i just really hate myself. But, it's still better than before. Because while i dont attempt to be a pick me, it is simply something that i accept and try my best to go against. But it isnt just internet influence. I use to ponder for weeks on end with no sleep on different ways to kill myself. which would be less painful and which would be fast. I'd be in the car with family staring at the window, thinking of how i should die. One time i didn't sleep for 6 days straight, how i kept functioning is a fucking miracle. i only went to sleep when i started hallucinating shit in the corner. And yet when my parents learned about me saying i had depression, mind you i only spoke about this with other people who also had depression, both diagnosed and not, they were simply disssapointed in me.

Anyways, i have no clue how i got to this point. My room is hot, my mother has put a plastic film on top of my ac to stop the draft from "freezing the house out" regardless of it being known that my fathers side of the family is constantly hot. including me. and because of fucking global warming, which could be easily ficed if it wasn't for how naturally greed ridden humanity is, it's not even touching, under 45 degrees like it use to even though we're nearing the peak of winter. I also have a fuck ton of squishmallows and blankets which are usually very comfirtable but right now its hot as all hell so im burningm up even with my window open. Another reason is that for year my building has no heat until my mom finally sued the land lord early this year/late last year and they fixed it except for the fact that it is hot as balls now. Both buildings are burning up somehow.

Anyways, my little cousin also like fanfiction right, usually we read weird shit in funny voices as a joke and giggle and laugh. she's three, almost two, years younger than me. I often hang out with her and she obviously the favorite cousin after the chromebook i just bought her for christmas this year. so all of us had a sleepover recently and she was obviously tired and my other cousin was asleep while me and a NOTHER seperate cousin were on the bed.so she was talking about how quiet it was and i laughed and said its cus this is usuallyt the time me and the tired cousin start reading weird shit and giggling but shes tired so i wont. mind you i havent read anything with her in the past like, 1 and a half months on the days i seen her and she had just spent the whole day with me walking around the city to an art gallery unlike all the other cousins. And she just pops up talking baout how oh thats so good and all that shi and i was like, i just said we not doing that cus your tired and i didnt even read any with you today, yesterday, or two days before that when i also saw you and multiple times before that. and shes just gonna go "yeah i know bur you always read fanfiction with me everytime i see you and i was just with you all day" and im not gonna act like i wasnt hurt because i dont know anyone else who reads fanfiction that isn't x reader which i personally just dont like in any way, i think its kinda weird but i leave people who do read it be. but she somehow failed to mention the fact that she is often the one to choose to do that to begin with and just has me read them. but regardless it hurt my feelings and it truly made me feel like shit. cus now in my head im just like, oh. i just make her feel uncomfortable dont i. i cant explain the whole feeling but part of it was kinda like betrayal and it just really fucked me up cus that was two and and a half days ago and i still feel fucking bad.

Then on a whole nother note. my parents got a divorce and while im glad for it cus we live in the same apartment with my mom. im also pissed. my dad left and he texted me the other day in a way that was actively trying to seek attention and guilt me. but thats not even the problem. I haven't loved my father in years right. he constantly made jokes about it and everyone in the family knew this. he also was hella rude to my mother. threatening her and shi but never truly acting. overall just disrespectful. but ive never out right told him i dont like him. until the day my mom officiated this shit show when she came back from vacay and had me wait in the car. afterwards. she told him, cus he was lying and saying that me and my brother said we were fine with living with him and having her visit, that why would i ever agree to that when i dont even like him, like being around him, or like tlaking to him. in which he then called me and she told me i have to tell him the truth and say yes. now she keeps fucking bothering me about having to talk to him about why i dont like him like im legally required to involve myself with HIS healing process and stress myself out over his feelings. Every fucking day its something baout having to talk to him and how shes gonna instigate a convo with him but i dont wanna fucking do that. and she keeps saying/acting like it's out of cowardly reasons that i dont want to but its not because i truly fear him. It is because he stresses me out and bothers me. He annoys me on all levels and when im overwhelmed i cry. He pisses me off and acts like I'm stupid, undermining me and my intelligence while also acting like a damn narcissist who's simultaneously done no wrong. I do not fear him. He angers me. i dont want to talk to him because of the potential stress, not out of mere cowardice.

anyways, i have plenty more to say cus im just venting remotely everything right now because since most of my friends suck fucking ass and the ones who i do talk to aren't ones i'd like to talk about this to without feeling as if im bothering them, ill leave it be. not that theyre bad friends, but, there are different friends that tolerate different things and react in different ways. I think im going to go to sleep now though considering that i just wrote for a hot 35 minutes and it is 4:30 in the morning and i have so much i want to do.

#suicide mention #school #overwhelmed #overall just bullshit im not gone hold you

[kitvinslakte]

just personal thoughts i want to get written out

i feel like i'm being sabotaged by myself. my living conditions are not great and ive been unsure how much of that is my *situation* or *me* bc like. i leave trash around (because theres nowhere to put it) and i leave food out (because the kitchen doesnt feel safe) and i dont do my laundry or clean up my room anytime (because its overwhelming, because i dont have the time or energy, because much of the mess isnt mine to move and so it'll never be *better* enough to let me breath so why bother...) and i don't know how much of that is my adhd, my laziness, my outside stress?

but this week and the next i'm housesitting at my parents, and i figured- it's not like a controlled experiment but i wanted to see if i could operate like a human for this period of time. I would work my usual hours, but instead of having a 45 minute drive home to a house that didn't feel right to me, i'm driving 15 minutes to something clean and all mine (for now). And i made the decision- every day i would make at least one meal that constitutes "real food" to me. I would keep the trash where it belongs, i would do chores and laundry and be responsible. and that worked great for exactly one day, because then i got sick and it's been 3 days of this. i haven't been working (obviously) but im also leaving trash everywhere (tissues, like anyone does when the're sick, right?) and i haven't cleaned up after myslef at all... i feel like if i weren't sick i would probably be fine but the whole point was to test myself and! I'm failing! and i can't decide if the sickness excuses my failure or if being out of work should make up for the lack of energy. I look at the mess i've made already and it feels like with this little cold i've signed my death warrent. It's not the situation or the commute or anything. it's just me, being broken and lazy and useless and i'll never ever change so why should i try?

If this cold had waited just another few days i think maybe i wouldve handled it better, if i'd kept on track of what id set out to do until then. but because i failed the test i set for myself- something i thought would be easy!- i feel like i have the answer to my question now. that theres no way out. no matter where i move or what job i have or how hard i try... if i have my own space or not... if i am comfortable or not... i will always be a useless slob. and i know! I know what to say. it's my depression talking. i dont want to stop trying, not really. i think. im just. tired. i guess.

i want to be better.

i want to be able to handle shit like a person.

maybe i should just go to bed and hope i can prove myself wrong. ill get better soon. then i'll show myself i can clean up after my messes. i can work, and feed myself, and keep my space clean... ill be fine. i just need to give myself another chance

#yeah‚ i dont really believe that last bit but. i'll keep saying it until it works‚ right? #vinslakte #rambling #personal #on a scale of 1 to 10‚ how much do i want to stop existing?

[thoughtcock]

six months later

i feel like i have learnt more about myself and have a lot of thoughts to process in the last few months since i’m gone from this little corner of the internet

i learnt how to be more comfortable being on my own. to be at peace from this strange phase of my life. the phase where im alone, not finding the next person to be distracted with (and even if i do, cutting things off or leaving things alone is how i deal with with it), not feeling as bitter and resentful about the fucked up shit that has happened to me, learning to let go of things that dont serve me anymore

u see, its so tiring being bitter about life all the time. i had a really bad depressive period when covid pretty much shut everything down. all i did were depressing stories about the government fucking up, stay cooped in my room and overthink, constantly swipe on apps in hopes to find a soul connection somewehre, cling onto horoscope predictions that i will land on a soulmate soon (lol i still do that now). being angry and impatient at everything and just wanting to skip to the next era in life already - a life where i finally get my shit together and find someone special and have my career in place where i dont feel like a content sellout for negative news all the time

but i did let the negativity get to me for quite awhile, and people around me could tell how down i was. i felt like i was being a negative nancy all the time, wondering if my moods are affecting how people perceive me. wondering if im spreading bad vibes to my house mates.

but somehow in those months, i found solace with those living with me. i never actually liked the concept of housemates, i usually just see them as taking up space that i feel are mine (even though they are communual, i just cant stand other people’s presence if i were to use those rooms at the same time), but it feels nice living with friends you care about and vice-versa. for the first time, this house that i’m living in, although i spent most of my time being a sad sack in my room, the house also allowed me to share my dark, sad thoughts to my house mates living here. and they actually listened. and asked me questions that i never thought of. gave me observations that never even crossed my mind. 

i learnt that it is actually okay for friends to be there for you, like TRULY. i dont even remember when was the last time i cried to my friends back in sg when something happened to me and i needed people to be there for me. this is the first time that i feel its okay to cry, and it doesnt feel like my friends wont know what to do or navigate things awkwardly. i realised that, for the first time in my life, that it sucks to keep things bottled up for the fear of burdening others. and in that, some of my friendships with other peopple have turned for the better too.

i am no longer okay with having my friendships consist of just shallow chats, funny inside jokes, or just reminiscing things in the past. yes, the past may have been great back then. but this is now. its ok to want and need more from people who matter to you, and i should not keep trying to repress them because i am worried they don’t know how to act around me when im become vulnerable.

it sucks because i’ve seen that happened. when i was distraught during the protests but all they could do was talk about other things to keep me distracted, when i broke up and all we did after saying what happened was play tetris. when i went back home for two weeks and i felt the disconnect when i hang out with them and all we did during the hotel in staycation was to watch vapid variety shows. it really sucks because i used to be okay with this for so many years, grateful even, for that i still have people to talk to and be distracted when im sad. but i dont want to always be distracted, i want to learn how to face myself and my feelings. and i want people to be there for me as i face it.

and that is what i did in these six months. i learnt how to embrace the void and emptiness i felt in me for so long. i read a book about what dying people wished they have learnt while they were living (courtesy of a sentimental house mate). and it really hit me like a ton of bricks. it forced me to confront a lot of uncomfortable feelings that i have not 100% processed. i had to put the book down a few times while i sob my eyes out because there were so many things related to forgiveness/patience/learning how to surrender to what life has to offer that i want to take hold of.

and i realised that it is not worth it if i let myself be resentful over a short-lasting relationship that didnt end well. i want to learn how to love authentically, to trust someone wholeheartedly again, to let go of the past. i still have so many years ahead in life, and i really feel like i will be shortchanged of my happiness if i just let myself be a depressed shit over things i cant control all the time. i refuse to let anyone or anything make feel bed bad for an extended period of time again. 

knowing this fact, i accepted life for what it is. whatever this phase this is. and i am okay with it. i am at peace with myself after what seemed like a long time in battling out my emotions. and i told my close friends here about it. and they are happy for me. and i want to use my experiences to help other people if i can.

because i am not as alone as i make myself out to be. even when so many experiences have made me feel so so alone in the past.

another great thing is that i am taking a break from meeting new men and dating apps. and i feel fine with it. i still hope for the right one to come of course, but i learnt that its best not to rush things. and then feeling sad about it when you fantasize about the “right” one and them not turning out to be right lol. it actually sets the depresso higher.... and why put that expectation on strangers who dont care much for you?? right?

[meowlimia]

TW ED vent

This isn’t an ed post necessarily. the first part of this post is a regular vent and the 2nd part is ed related business. trigger warning, i mention sxicide, food, ed related things, depression, etc. i dont plan on ever tagging my posts so this is probably the last big trigger warning i’ll put on my posts.

**

This is kind of a jumbled mess, i just typed exactly what i felt and what came to mind. i dont do in depth ed logs so if youre here for that this isnt it, i just cant be asked.

So like to get right into it. Me and my bestfriend have been having PROBLEMS. like bad ones. at least i think their bad, she thinks everything is dandy. She likes to do this funny girly thing where she finds a new person to date every few months and they become the absolute center of her world. despite, of course, us being bestfriends for 5 years. I’m not a jealous or possessive friend, I think that stuff is gross and makes me uncomfortable. but its annoying, some days she doesnt message at all, or leaves me on seen for almost an entire day. and when she DOES respond, its to tell me about all the fun theyve been having and how much shes missing him. which is great, im glad shes happy, he seems like the first genuinely good person shes dated. i just wish i didnt have to hear about it constantly, i wish my value as a friend didnt go to 0 everytime she finds a new person to obsess over. and of course, i always have to pick up the pieces and join in her snarking of her exes because they were definitely 100% of the problem (in all fairness, they were all really shitty). 

The thing i find an issue with is like. she will NEVER stop talking about him. ben this ben that my god i dont even know ben why do i need to hear about him. i would understand if she need to vent or just wanted to talk about him a little, thats completely fine. but what im not okay with is day in day out talking ONLY about ben. 

The only non-ben related thing we talk about is how awful shes feeling. sending me random pictures of her crying, talking about how she wants to kill herself, or her self harm, her bloody scratches. the worst part is she thinks its funny, and acts like shes not doing it to purposefully worry me. what do you want me to say? this is the 10th crying picture youve sent this week, this is the 10th time youve mentioned your self harm. i dont know what you expect me to do, i cant live in a perpetual state of worry and stress over how youre doing anymore. its exhausting. especially when she KNOWS how bad my ed is getting for me, how at this point im barely living for any reason other than purging and binging.

Yet of course, when i vent, i get the usual. “sorry bbg, not feeling up to reading/listening right now. love you” thanks! i genuinely do understand. thats why i tell her everytime what the voice message is, or what the hidden message is. i know shes struggling, but i am an awful person too. i do feel the need to vent to my closest friend, i do feel the need to vocalize what im going through.  Either way, she gets upset when i delete it, because i felt guilty, ashamed, and embarrassed that i sent it in the first place.

I feel awful and guilty for it, but sometimes i feel like i truly hate her. I absolutely shouldnt feel this way, she is suffering greatly with her illnesses. I havent lived in her shoes, i dont know just how bad it is for her, i have no place to be upset at her for how shes feeling. But i still do. sometimes i just dont understand why shes being like this. She is on medication, she has a job she enjoys and doesnt pay rent/bills/anything, she has 4 people at anytime interested in her romantically, she makes friends within minutes of meeting people, she has a nice room with fun things shes bought or other people have gifted to her, she has a caring supportive boyfriend, she has great hair, she is genuinely beautiful inside and out and has a great personality. i just dont understand. its disgusting to say it and i know that, but i cant help it.

anyway thats my vent about my friend over. ed catch up time xx

things have been going well, in terms of losing weight/restricting/purging. 

I’ve started to purge maybe 3-5 times a day? sometimes more in small amounts. something ive noticed is that i dont really binge often? usually i eat normal meals. like one packet of samyang ramen, fried eggs, and chamomile tea. its a small meal not calorie wise, one regular samyang pack is 530 calories, plus maybe 200 cals from the eggs, and maybe 100 for the oil i cook them in. the chamomile tea is 2 calories, plus maybe 20 with the tiny bit of honey i put in. its not a low calorie meal but its pretty small in portion size. either way, i’ll still purge something like that. i dont go on the kind of crazy binges ive heard a lot of people with eds do, like 3k or 6k meals. thats not from a sense of superiority, i just genuinely dont have access to enough food to do crazy binges like that

i think this is why i dont purge as much as i could be. sometimes a meal is so small i just cant be bothered to even try. like after some meals im just glued to my bed and wont get up for hours.

i was gonna add more to this, but truly i already feel sick thinking about it. i didnt think just writing about it would make my cravings kick in so bad.

either way, im going to keep going, till im pleased with my weight i guess. my psychologist recommended me to an eating disorder therapist. i hate the idea of recovery, but just having someone to talk to will be nice i guess. maybe it’ll hep me redirect the anger i feel towards my bestfriend for making me feel unheard. i hope it does. i truly love and care about her and i want to stop having these negative hateful thoughts. 

#cw ed #cw vent #cw food

[4baeksoo]

okay

#i already talked today but i was thinking about another thing #i have been giving into all my food cravings but #ive been going to places where you have to walk in and make the order and everything #which i dont really do #and it's weird how #hyper aware of how socially inept i can be LOL like #i got froyo and though it was very easy to do that bc all i had to do was make it and then check out but #the cashier was the only person there and the girl seemed either my age or maybe in college or something but i was awkward as shit LOL #the other day i wanted to go out and get food while running an errand and #i went in without having looked up the menu (i always look up the menu) and #i didnt know what i wanted and spent like 2 minutes staring at the menu then #i was also p awkward at like.. literally every place ive been to but yknow what #the fact that im going? thats growth :( #when im depressed i usually never want to leave my room and i dont so im trying to take advantage and #do all the people things before i burn out #and hopefully the more i do it the longer i can stay out #i could kind of do this at uni but it was bc i built it up over 4 yrs and there were plenty of places i wanted to go but was too nervous to #go to bc i didnt want to go inside without knowing anything jfldjs #my ultimate goal for these next few months is to actually eat and stay at a place i get something from without rushing #i got ice cream once back in uni alone and i just sat there eating it bc i felt like it would melt bc i didnt live close enough #and i was eating fast bc i felt awkward w the employees just chatting nearby jfjflk

[nahoyaglock]

WHEN I STOP BREATHING..

pairings! ushijima x reader

summary! sitting on the beach, so close to each other they can hear each other’s heartbeats. They both smile and they watch the world end right in front of them, reminiscing on all they’ve been through together. Why does the end of the world look so beautiful?

genre! angst

word count! didnt bother actually counting so ill estimate maybe 2000+

warnings! end of the world, death, murder mention, slight ooc ushijima idk its the end of the world so pff

a/n! uh idk i wanna hurt people, sorry if this is bad i havent written in a while :p i feel like the beginning was really good, the middle was ass and the end was okay but hoh im happy enough w this. I also cried writing this ngl lmaoo also did not fix any errors so my bad

You knew it was coming, you both did. New reports, articles, it was trending on all social media platforms. It was unavoidable, what could you do but waste away your last few days, watching old shows you watched as a kid, harsh knocks and cries from your doors from friends and family. You couldnt face them, you just wanted to drown out the thought of what was coming the next few hours of the day.

You had woken up and sluggishly dragged yourself from the comfort of your bed to your dirty kitchen, littered with dirty dishes and some uneaten food that youd try to make, but didn't have the stomach to eat. Your phone rang atleast every hour or two, many unanswered calls and long voicemails you couldnt bother to listen to.

There was a knock on your door, and you sighed, not wanting to bother with facing the person at the door. You turned on your heels, about to head to your room when you heard the voice call out to you.

"y/n."

Out of all the people why did it have to be him. You bit your lip and let out shaky breaths. You took another step, freezing at another set of knocks. The last persom you wanted to see was your boyfriend.

"y/n let me in or ill tear this door down." His voice was stern, laced with seriousness and slight concern. You wanted to open it, let him in and crumble into his arms, but it hurt so bad.

"Go away." You spoke, loud enough to be heard through the door, but not loud enough to be a yell.

"y/n."

You hesitantly walked to the door, unlocking the bottom lock, the top lock remaining unlocked, too bothersome for you to have delt with anyways. At the sound of the click of the locks he opened the door with quick motions, while also being careful not to knock you over.

At the sight of his big frame you felt like the world had just stabbed you through the chest 28 times. You backed up with quick steps are your boyfriend reached out to hug you, scared that his touch would break down your facade. You tripped over your own feet, landing hard on your butt.

"Ush.. Ushijima," you started, not knowing exactly what you were trying to say, "Please dont touch me."

His heart sank when he saw you, lifeless and so frail. He guessed you havent been getting much sleep- or maybe too much sleep, and not eating as he took a quick glance towards the food littered kitchen counter.

It wasnt any better for you, seeing your normally cold and calm boyfriend with a worried expression and eye bags that made it obvious he hasnt got much sleep either.

You pull yourself up, your eyes boring through your boyfriends abdomen as you bit your lip, trying to think of what to say, and to also keep yourself from falling apart. "What do you want?"

"y/n. Dont be cold to me." It wasnt a question, but it wasnt a demand. "Sorry," you mumbled, leaving you two in silence for a while.

"Ushi, you should go home," you said, feeling your heart race, every second you spent in his presence, under his gaze, killed you. "You should call Tendou or something."

"Toshi." He said, making your head shoot up, looking him in his eyes, seeing a tear roll down his cheek, his face remaining mostly emotionless, fear slightly present in his eyes. "Please keep calling me Toshi."

You felt a pang in your heart, suddenly the reality of things hitting you. You were the only one going through this, you knew this but never gave it more than a mere thought. He was scared, he didnt know what he was doing, he just knew to find comfort in you, like youve told him to for many years into your relationship.

"Toshi," you breathed, reaching up to wipe the tear from his cheek, "Toshi lets go somewhere."

You never felt the need to go outside, wanting to be isolated, but being here with your boyfriend, you felt like running away, wanting to escape from the dark pit of your home. "Lets go to the beach"

"y/n–"

"Lets go. Lets go, right.. right now Toshi," you felt as if though youve felt shoked by lightning, like you suddenly got hit with some sugar rush.

"We dont have time–"

"We do Toshi, we do, we do," you saw the corner of his lips raise up into a small smile. He hated seeing you like this but he was glad you were more alive than you were minutes before. You knew this, what he was thinking, and you knew his smile had so much sadness behind it, "we have time, lets go, lets go!"

You grabbed his hand and dragged him out of your apartment, not bothering to change from your days out clothing or close the door behind you. It wouldnt matter in another hour anyways.

The ride there was mostly silent, songs playing quietly on the radio. You watched as you passed through the town, the streets were slightly empty, stores looked run down, some stores even tore up and empty.

"Has it been like this since.. since the announcement?" You mumbled, earning a hum for Ushijima.

"Yeah, yeah it has." He knew that you didnt go out, and he was slightly grateful for it. The world went to shit after the announcement, many lootings, murders and other various crimes being commited.

"Im glad your safe Toshi," you spoke into your palm.

"Im glad your safe too."

The ride went on in silence until you got to the beach. You both climbed out of the car, the beautiful blue sea sparkling under the sunny sky. It was funny how such a depressing day could look so so beautiful.

"Hmm, this is the beach we went to with the team our senior year, remember?" He asked and turned to face you. The fear in his eyes was much more evident in the light, along with signs of personal neglict. He hasnt been taking good care of himself either.

You walk around the front of the car to grab his hand, your small hands tracing light circles on his rough palms before linking your hands together, giving him a comforting squeeze. "I remember."

He let out a shaky breath he didnt know he was holding in, and you two found a nice spot on the beach to sit and watch the sky. "Toshi, do you remember the time goshiki got gummy bears stuck in his nose?"

He looked at you, and his face softened, "yeah. Yeah i do." He let out a small chuckle at the thought of his old teammates. "Do you remember when Tendou took my water bottle and filled it with really sour lemonade?" He asked, you could hear his voice unravel into a more comfortable tone, instead of one holding in so much hurt and fear.

"Ha, i actually helped him with that you know?" You spoke up, a small grin on your lips as your boyfriend grabbed your waist, pulling you closer to him. "We'll its okay, because it was 2 years ago."

It had been 2 years. 2 years since you had become shiratorizawas manager, 2 years since you made the number 1 ace fall head over heels for you, 2 years since you had went on your first date with him.

"2 years, its been so long." You laid your head on Ushijimas arm, feeling tired. He wrapped his arm around your shoulders and placed a kiss atop your head.

"Thats when we first started dating," you spoke, shoulders shaking with a small laugh, "i would've never imagined to have the nations number 1 ace fall so madly in love with me." You laughed and turned to your boyfriend to continue your teasing, but stopped when you saw him looking back at you.

He couldn't respond with anything more than a mere chuckle, tears now streaming down his cheeks. You bit your lip, scooting closer to him so you were in his lap, wrapping your arms around his large stature.

"Toshi, I love you." It was no more than a whisper and he placed a warm, loving kiss to your temple, rubbing your back softly as he let out a shaky laugh.

"y/n god, you make it so hard not to cry." He whispered in an unstable tone, resting his head atop yours. "I love you too."

This was how it was, clinging to the other and sharing old tales of your days spent with Ushijima and the boys, tales of times tendou had snuck out of the dorms and got caught by washijou, or when goshiki cut his bangs too short, or how Ushijima brought your parents a half eaten watermelon as a gift.

Those last moments spent with laughs and tears, kisses and hugs, warmth and comfort, those were your best memories. Despite the fate to cross you, Ushijima and everyone else in the world, you felt like you could smile for the first time.

You would smile alot, but it felt different this time. You convinced yourself that it was just because you had been withering away for the past days, but you knew it was because you felt free.

You had no worries in the moment with your lover, you didnt need to think about getting up for work the next day, or how you would afford next months rent. You felt like the largest weight had been lifted off of you, and you could really smile for the first time.

There was a slightly rumble if the ground that had made you and Ushijima go silent. You pulled away from your spot in the crook of his neck to look at him, fear still in his eyes.

"I dont wanna die," he chuckled out, "but im not sad." He drew small shapes into your hips with his thumbs, looking onto your laps instead of your face, and you just stared at him.

His usually stoic face was calmed, relaxed, his jaw unclenched and his eyes soft. You hadnt seen so many emotions from your boyfriend so much, it was almost scary. But he looked so gorgeous, he was your world.

"Wakatoshi Ushijima, you know," your placed your hands on both sides of his face, "it doesnt matter what happens to this world, because," you placed a passionate kiss to his lips, the tears finally falling from your eyes, "you, you're my world Toshi."

He let out a noise that was similar to a choke, tears rolling down the apple of his cheeks as he placed his forehead to yours, letting his shoulders shake with hard sobs. Loud crashes, screams and car alarms had let you know it was coming, the end of the world.

The last thing you saw was Ushijima, smiling snd crying, mouthing out one last 'I love you'.

Why does the end of the world look so beautiful?

© tomura-heart — all rights reserved. reposting, modifying, or copying is not allowed. do not translate. do not read my writing as asmr. do not plagiarize.

#writings 📃 #ushijima.💭 #ushijima x reader #ushijima x y/n #ushijima angst #ushijima imagine #ushijima fanfic #ushijima wakatoshi x reader #ushijima wakatoshi fanfic #haikyuu angst #haikyuu x reader #haikyuu x you #haikyuu fanfic #haikyuu imagine #hq x reader #hq x you #hq angst #hq fanfic #hq imagines

[miraeluc]

you’re suffering alone

prompt: “kageyama knows you as his little ray of sunshine, but what does he do when he finds out how you really feel?”

pairing: kageyama x female! reader 

word count: 3k

warnings: MAJOR tw!!! depression, again major tw self harm, reader cries a lot when kageyama finds out, reader’s mom is dead lol i went all out 

genre: fluff, angst

you were always their little ray of sunshine

when you first joined the school a year ago and introduced yourself all excitedly

hinata ran to tanaka after that class

“we need to convince her to be our manager!!!!”

tanaka was down lol

it didn’t take long to convince you, you were looking for extracurricular activities to engage in anyway 

the conversation went a bit like this

“y/n-san! do you want to be karasuno’s volleyball team manager?”

“sure!”

“we swear it- did you just say yes?”

“...yes”

cue tanaka and hinata screaming 

after you became their manager it didn’t take you and kageyama too long to fall in love either 

he adored the good vibes you brought with in any room you stepped in and you enjoyed the calmness that came with him (except when hinata’s around to annoy him, pretty boy radiates ᵃⁿᵍʸ energy then lol)

poor boy didn’t know that what he felt towards you until he had the whole team screaming at him to ask you out 

so he did 

and so you ended up here, 10 months into dating kageyama and 12 months into being karasuno’s manager along with kiyoko and hitoka 

everyone found it a little weird that you were always the one to stay the longest out of everyone, but everyone assumed it was just because you genuinely enjoyed being there

which you did, don’t get me wrong

that just wasn’t the only reason.

no one actually knew why you had changed schools in the middle of the year

every time someone asked you pushed it off, claiming your old school just wasn’t working out and started babbling about how much you love being at this school and how glad you are to have found real friends like them

“time for a break, i brought food!!”

you held the bags of food up, getting tackled in a gross sweaty hug by nishinoya 

“it’s like you heard my stomach calling out for you, y/n!!! you’re my saviour!!!”

you immediately laughed 

“i know, noya, now get off, you’re sweaty” you cringed a little and he got off, a little offended but he quickly forgot about it and snatched the bags 

you were all sat on the ground, everyone eating quietly when hinata started complaining about his mother nagging him to focus a little more on studying 

that’s how everyone started talking about their mothers, somehow everyone having a little to complain about 

“what ‘bout you, y/n? you have nothing to remark about your mom like our little crybabies here?” daichi looked at you

everyone whined at that,, “we’re not babies!!”

you tensed up at the question before relaxing and smiling 

“nope! my mom is perfect.” you giggled

“woah, i wish!! you need to introduce me to your mom, y/n!!” 

noya was very invested in your mom being perfect, lol

you see

kageyama here is very observant, whether it be on the court or just, well, people in general

he saw you tense up for that split-second, not pressing it further 

he knows you most likely aren’t ready to talk about it 

now that he thinks about it, you never talk about your family

he’d love to know but he understands that you’ll come to him when you’re ready to tell him and he doesn’t want to make you uncomfortable by nagging you about it

“i’ll introduce you to her, noya” you giggled

his face lit up and he nodded before the topic changed again and you could now also speak to them about how annoying and hard math class is

fr tho i hate math 

after they were done eating no one could move anymore, let alone practice

hinata tried

keyword tried 

he threw up....

no one else even wanted to practice after that - opting to clean up and end practice for today instead

“kageyama, ill head out a bit early today, i’ve got some stuff to do” you said

you startled the shit out of him because he was just bringing the last volleyball to the cart

“HO- oh.” he stopped himself from screaming and turned to you 

“alright, just take care..” he mumbled, ruffling your hair which made you whine and fix it 

you hate when he does that 

he thinks your reaction is adorable

you scoffed and pulled him down to your height to plant a little kiss on his cheek 

he blushed, pda isnt for him

you loved his soft side so much 

nonetheless he smiled at you and straightened up again 

“call me if anything happens” he cleared his throat 

baby was a little awkward with stuff like this 

you didn’t mind though

you nodded and smiled “will do!”

and off you were lol 

hinata then popped up infront of kageyama 

“what’d you do to her!?!?!?! she never leaves early!!!!!!!”

kageyama pushed him away by the head 

“she just has stuff to do, shut up.”

“hey, mom..” you smiled lightly as you sat down 

“nishinoya is really looking forward to meeting you! the whole team asked about you today.. today was an ok day, i was pretty distracted all day so i didn’t have the time to feel sad again.”

...

you sighed

“but, you know, it’s been getting harder lately. it seems that getting out of bed to get to school is getting harder.. i love making everyone happy, but it’s hard being the provider and never getting something in return. sometimes, when things get hard, i just want to drop everything. i want to stop acting so bubbly and happy, but i know you wouldn’t want me to lose my smile.”

you stood up 

“i’ll get going then, i love you.”

you placed the flowers down on the grave before you, staring down at it with a sad smile before making your way home, yet again 

the next day you showed up to school as you usually did, taking your seat next to kageyama after greeting him like usual 

you were having a conversation with hinata

it was too early for kageyama to speak 

everyone was confused when you didn’t show up to practice that day

kags(｡◝‿◜｡) , 2:47pm: are you not coming to practice?

y/n, 2:49pm: no baby, i’m sorry :( i really can’t tODAY, im so upset over it 

kags(｡◝‿◜｡), 2:50pm: did something happen?

kags(｡◝‿◜｡), 2:53pm: y/n?

y/n, 3.26pm: nope, i just have some stuff to do at home  (╥﹏╥)

the next day you showed up like usual again, this time attending practice too

just like that the days seemed to go by in a blur for you 

day by day you felt yourself breaking more 

day by day the scars on your hips multiplied 

and day by day it got a little harder to make the room light up when you stepped inside 

it was after practice and it was only you, nishinoya and kageyama left 

“hey, y/n, can i finally meet your mom today??”

he was pressing around so much about it 

you smiled and shrugged,

“sure, i bet she doesn’t mind a visit”

“can i come too?” kageyama asked timidly and you nodded 

“of course.. it’s about time.” you smiled 

your eyes were a little glassy 

he frowned

nishinoya was too busy getting excited over meeting the first ever perfect mother to notice and he began dragging you out “let’s go then!”

he was pulling you to the direction of your place before you abruptly stopped

“ah-ah, i didn’t say i still live with her, did I?”

you had both boys confused now and you started walking into the right direction

you intertwined your fingers with kageyama’s

he squeezed your hand a little 

he knew you needed a little support 

only did he not expect you to lead them to the cemetery

nishinoya’s smile dropped when you actually entered the cemetery 

he saw it but he expected you to walk past 

you stopped in front of your mothers grave 

“there she is.” you let out a sigh 

kageyama felt his heart drop 

“wait, y/n, i’m so sorry for pressing this so mu-”

kageyama pulled you in a tight hug, shaking his head at the boy, who now went quiet 

he felt so horrible

you were trying so hard to hold your tears back, looking at noya

“don’t worry, you didn’t know.” 

you still smiled at him 

kageyama then spoke 

“it’s best if you go home, don’t you think?”

he didn’t even sound angry at this point 

nishinoya nodded and left 

he really felt so bad 

you couldn’t hold back and broke out in tears after

this was the first time you cried in front of your boyfriend 

he didn’t expect it to hurt this much 

hearing your little sobs break through you 

he could feel his own heart breaking as he tightened the hug 

neither of you said anything

he just let you cry into his chest 

he didn’t need to tell you he was there for you with words

he told you through gently patting your back as you cried

he told you through not judging you when you cried like this 

even when it started raining and the rain was slowly seeping through both of your clothes he didnt loosen his grip on you 

he let you finish crying 

however long it took 

and when you finally looked up at him, only the moon’s light illuminating your face, he felt his heart break, again, at the sight of your puffy eyes and red nose

he wanted to protect you from all bad things, forever.

“gosh, i’m sorry, it took me so long to stop crying..” 

he shook his head and pecked your forehead quickly “no. you didn’t.”

“..is this why you always avoided talking about your mother?”

you nodded, looking down at her grave, the flowers you placed there two days ago already droopy

you then looked up at him again 

“thank you, for.. supporting me..”

nishinoya apologised about 27 times when he saw you 

you kept reassuring him that it was alright but he felt so bad 

he felt so bad he couldn’t even properly play that day 

daichi sent him home early

“come back when you dont have two left legs!!!”

practice ended soon after that anyway 

you sat on a bench, filling out the last bits of your homework so you didnt have to do it at home, not even noticing that it was just you and kageyama left until he called out to you 

“hey, y/n, mind throwing me some balls? i’m not tired yet and i want to keep practicing”

you happily helped

you admired his determination to get better daily

it was refreshing, seeing him so passionate about volleyball 

how couldn’t you help when he asked like that

that’s how he was now practicing as you were talking 

“can you come over tonight?”

you furrowed your brows

“but it’s a school night?”

he shrugged “i don’t care. you haven’t been at my place for three entire weeks! i only see you at school, i miss you.” he was honest

he really missed you and he wanted to know what was up with your lame excuses every time he asked 

you then nodded 

“alright then, i’ll come.”

whilst he was busy drinking water you tried ‘passing’ the ball (at which you horribly failed)

“look, i’m a better setter than you!”

he chased you down lol 

you took him by surprise when he finally caught you, grabbing onto your hips, followed by a loud intake of breath and a wince from you

fuck

well

he obviously immediately let go

“y/n. what’s wrong?”

you sighed and turned towards him

“um.. i.. hit my hip earlier today..?” you trailed off and he immediately knew that you were lying 

honestly, he kind of had an idea of what it was 

he just didn’t want to think of that possibility

he might be a bit slow, but he’s not stupid 

he has a slight idea why you haven’t been coming over

he notices how the circles under your eyes have gotten darker 

he notices how you sleep in classes, which is something you never do 

and he’s so, so worried 

but he’s scared to approach you 

he’s scared to confirm his worst fears 

he shook his head at you “don’t lie.”

you sighed softly “kageyama, it’s nothing.”

you avoided his gaze and he shook his head again, now unable to hold back from speaking 

“no, y/n. you’re not okay, i know you’re not. i know that you struggle every day and i know you don’t like speaking about it, but i just can’t keep watching you suffer in silence, i do give you your space, but not when it truly concerns your well-being to the point i cant touch you or see you as often as i’d like to!” 

he stopped and took a deep breath, shaking his head 

“let’s go home first, i want to talk about this in a place i can do more for you.”

you were speechless

you never had expected him to notice anything, let alone speak up about it 

you were so lost in thought you let him drag you to his room quietly 

you snapped back to reality when he was unlocking his door, walking inside when it was open - you following 

you sat on his bed, still not knowing what to say

how the tables turn, usually its kageyama being the quiet one and you being the one to fill the silence with unnecessary babbling lol 

he looked at you, uncertainty swimming in his eyes

“can i see?”

you immediately knew what he was talking about, looking down 

you pondered over it a little before nodding

he crouched down before you, looking up at you 

“you know you can trust me, right?”

you furrowed your brows “of course”

“you don’t need to hide your feelings from me, baby, i love you through all of your emotional states, i love seeing you happy but i like comforting you when you feel sad too, you mustn’t hide your feelings.”

your eyes filled with tears at that one sentence

i love you through all of your emotional states

“thank you..” you sniffled

“i mean it. it hurts me when you hide it, it makes me feel so helpless, i don’t want to watch you crumble before my eyes, please, talk to me..”

“i just feel so hopeless, kags.. my heart feels so dull lately.”

you finally let in

“it feels like every single day repeats itself and all of my responsibilities are so hard to fulfill..it’s so hard turning up to school, bringing positive energy with me when all i feel is my sadness taking over my entire self bit by bit.”

he was listening, now sat on the floor before you, chin resting on your knee as you spoke

“but you’re not responsible for anyone’s happiness except yours. i don’t like when you prioritise others before yourself, y/n.. i don’t say it often but you’re truly so important to me and i don’t want you to lose yourself only because you try to make others happy.. it isn’t worth it, we love you for you, i can assure you, no one from our group would judge you for feeling down, we all have bad days, gosh, we all have bad weeks or even months! hiding these feelings will only worsen your pain and lead you to.. do irrational things..” he said, fingertips tracing over your hip gently

“let me see first and then we’ll talk about how we’re fixing this, ok?”

you sniffled and nodded, letting him pull the side of your pants down enough to reveal to him what he feared most 

seeing the cuts scattered on your skin broke him, truly.

he gulped and stood up, leaving to get you a pair of his shorts

“put these on, this way i can tend to them better.” he said, wanting to clean it up first before telling you his thoughts about it 

you nodded and changed into the shorts, him trying not to break down there and then as he left to get some stuff

when he came back you were patiently waiting for him and let him clean the cuts with some alcohol (not without complaining at the stings) before he bandaged them up as best as he could

he then laid down and pulled you with him, hugging you

“oh my precious y/n..” he mumbled

he was hugging your head to his chest to hide the fact that he was tearing up 

he wanted to help you so bad but he knew exactly that he couldn’t just end your suffering and it hurt him 

“but why? why do you do that to yourself?”

his voice cracked when he asked and you looked up, realisation hitting you 

you hurt him so bad by doing this.

the person you loved and cherished most 

“it felt like the only escape”

he caressed the top of your head

“pressuring you into stopping won’t help and isn’t worth it, but please, when you feel like.. doing that, call me instead. i’ll be at your place in no time and- even if you don’t want to talk i can just hug you and keep you company-”

you cut him off by pressing your lips against his

“i will, baby. i’ll call you whenever i feel down from now on”

he nodded “thank you”

he was thanking you as if he wasn’t the one helping you right now

you now hugged him back, “i’m sorry for not saying earlier..”

he hummed “lets just lay here. you’ll get better, i promise.”

he kept his promise

ever since that day, he’s been calling you morning and night, making sure you felt good waking up and going to bed 

he often called you through entire nights

he made you slowly start to understand that your purpose wasn’t to make anyone happy but yourself

he made you realise you were more than a mere person that’s always happy

and he made you understand that showing your feelings wasnt something to be embarrassed about 

(the entire team was very supportive too when they found out you were struggling! kageyama didn’t explain the details though)

so yep.

you had kageyama and a bunch of friends that were supporting you 

and for the first time, you felt hopeful for the future, your mother watching over you proudly after years of struggling and even having to move schools for a fresh start

she could now rest easily, knowing your guardian angel found his way to you and won’t ever leave you.

a/n: YALL I MADE MYSELF EMO WITH THIS ONE:( i hope you enjoyed it & please leave comments about it! 

#kageyama #tobio kageyama #kageyama x reader #tobio x reader #depression #volleyball #haikyuu #haikyuu x reader #female reader #self harm #dead mother #sad #angst #fluff #reader cries a lot #kageyama cries a bit too #haikyuu angst #haikyuu fluff #tanaka #hinata #nishinoya #daichi #kageyama x y/n

[salsdemise]

Kiyo with an s/o whos going through a rough time

Mini vent at the end bc ajhsjh i have not been doing great

Hhhhahsd ive been feeling down, mentally ill things, but i needed to write something so one of my biggest character comforting a trans(ftm)!s/p going through a rough patch. Based on my own mental struggles recently :) Ive had no motivation so this is the first thing ive made in months that ive liked even somewhat so yea enjoy

he/they for kiyo, he/him for reader

Tw for mentions of declining mental health, transphobia(mentioned), suicidal thoughts(mentioned). Please stay safe <3

playlist?: https://open.spotify.com/playlist/47tMeqTMGZQl31SQwt62A1

-First notices it when you’re at home

-he came over to help you study after you had asked, and instead he found you at your desk, head in hands a drawing you had tried so hard on scribbled out in frustration

- “s/o, dear? Are you alright?” his voice is soft and gentle as they set his bag down, going over to you.

-When you say nothing and just sigh, he’s concerned. Putting his hands on your shoulders, he intends to move you but you lean back in your chair, looking at him before standing up and suggesting you study elsewhere.

-not wanting to push the matter, they agree and you both leave.

-notices again over texts. Usually you were quick to respond, but now you were taking upwards of 15 minutes and they were getting worried.

-while he's on his way to your place, you’re in your room, barely focusing on anything, still in your pjs, too tired and out of it to get changed. But it had been that way for a few days now.

-you were letting things get ahead of yourself and it was overwhelming. It was getting to the point you were considering the worst.

-with the comments from your parents, classmates, anyone online, it was only hurting you. You were sure korekiyo didn’t really care.

-until they’re at your door, knocking frantically, concern etched on their face when you open the door.

-”Oh..my dear, you had me worried..” he’s taking in your appearance as he walks in, shutting the door behind himself. Your hair is messy, greasy and knotted, your skin turning grey and rough from not showering, your clothes were wrinkled and dirty. You couldn’t meet his eye, you were sure they thought you were disgusting.

-reaching for you, slowly so as not to startle you, they put a hand on your shoulder and one on your chin, making you look up at him.

- “Talk to me, my love. What has you so down?”

-that was all it took for something to snap inside of you. The feeling of empty numbness turned into sadness, tears running down your cheeks, your body shaking with the sobs you let out.

-Holding you close, Korekiyo quietly suggested he take you to your room, and though you hesitated, you agreed. -once in the room, kiyo had you sit on the bed with him and they listened as you talked, explained, apologized.

-”Darling, there's no need to apologize for this. I understand the feeling, not feeling like anyone cares, or not feeling important. I understand not wanting to get up and take care of yourself. All we can do is take slow steps to work on that, together. I would never judge you based on this. I find you amazing no matter how you look or feel, that is why I have loved you ever since we started talking. Come now, let's get you cleaned up, yes?”

-the whole time you’re struggling with this feeling, he’s by your side, comforting you, rooting for you, helping you.

-And even if that feeling never fully goes away, They’re helping keep it at bay.

vent this way dont read if you dont want to see me complain lol

Mental illnesses fucking suck, especially untreated. Early september i was diagnosed with depression and im not getting ANY help despite needing it so hahhaa. How i cope is with sitting here frustrated and sobbing while beating myself up for the tiniest things lol. I hope you guys are/are able to get the help you might need :,)

#korekiyo shinguuji kin #korekiyo shinguji #drv3 korekiyo #danganronpa imagines #danganronpa #danganronpa v3 #korekiyo imagines #kinda a self insert #transmasc #trans!reader #korekiyo shinguji x reader #trans pride

[hufflautia]

Where it all started [Part 1]

Chapter 1 

Sometimes links don’t appear on posts. if you can’t see the link to “Chapter 1”, my masterlist is pinned to the top of my blog, and you can find it there.

Summary: Slytherin’s parents have another argument, but at this point, no one’s surprised. After all, they’re her parents. It would be abnormal if they didn’t argue. However, this one’s a biggie. The fight ends with the slam of a door and her dad packing his bags into the car and getting ready to leave. Desperate for him to come back, Slytherin’s mom forces her to go to him with a message that will surely make him stay. Buckle up folks, for this is where it all began. 

Slytherin stood on the sidewalk as she watched her dad pack up his things into the van. 

She dug her fingernails into her arm, her heart stinging with ache as her dad turned around with a smile on his face, a failed attempt to reassure her that it was going to be ok. It was all gonna be ok. After all, this was normal, right? It’s not like it was unusual that her dad was leaving again to go back to Florida, where the homewrecker waited for him, her outstretched hands eagerly opened up to him and his credit card. 

However, this was the first time he left abruptly. A spike of sorrow stabbed at Slytherin’s heart as she thought back to the sound of her parents’ door abruptly opening; soon after, she could hear angry stomps that quickly descended down the steps of the staircase. 

She could almost hear the hiss in her ear as she stood in the archway of the living room, watching her dad leave in the far distance. “Tell him that Ravenclaw’s crying,” her mother spat, pushing her towards the front door. “Quickly, before he leaves!” 

Slytherin internally sighed. How typical. Instead of resolving their relationship issues by going to couples therapy, her mom decided to throw all those burdens onto her daughter, who had already grown tragically used to being used as her puppet. 

She decided not to argue against going after her dad and trying to guilt-trip him into staying home as her mom wanted. Otherwise, she would be lectured on how she’s selfish and wouldn’t do this small thing for her mom, how she’s basically ruining this family by letting her dad leave, how family is so fucking important and manipulating her dad into staying would be vital to their happiness as a whole, how family this and family that. 

You get the point. Slytherin certainly did. That’s why she was currently standing awkwardly behind her dad, staring at his back as he lifted boxes into his car. 

“Um, Raven…” She paused. Her throat felt dry and tight. Swallowing with difficulty, she tried again. “Ravenclaw’s crying.” 

It wasn’t the crying itself that mattered. That wasn’t the main reason why her mom rushed her out the door to deliver the message to her dad. It was simply the fact that it was Ravenclaw who was crying. Let’s just say that he and his dad had a complicated relationship. 

Things were never the same between them after Ravenclaw sent an angry message to him via text when he was in Florida a year ago. The contents of the message reeked of disdain for his constant infidelity. When his mom found out, she shoved the phone into Slytherin’s face in the dead of night and asked if she knew about this. The glaring light from the screen nearly blinded her. 

Slytherin read the text messages through squinted eyes and could make out a few curse words here and there. Though she was slightly disoriented from the sudden ambush of information, it was clear to her that her brother resented their dad for what he did.  

That made Ravenclaw’s anguish even more useful in their mom’s opinion. Seeing the tears streak down his face when he heard that his dad was leaving again, she had a glorious idea. Perhaps if her husband knew of their son’s sorrow, he would reconsider his abrupt departure. After all, it was Ravenclaw who was crying. 

If it were Hufflepuff, that would be understandable—she can get quite emotional sometimes. But it was Ravenclaw, who was usually guarded and distant. One might suggest that he was secretly broken inside. But that’s not the point, at least not in his mom’s opinion. The main thing she was concerned about was that she could use his misery to her advantage! Maybe if her husband knew of his sadness, he would feel guilty enough to stay behind. After all, if his son, who despised him, was upset over his departure, perhaps it wouldn’t be so bad to stay home and endure his wife’s temper for a little while longer. 

Slytherin’s words did produce somewhat of a reaction. Her dad didn’t turn around for a while, but when he did, his eyes were slightly red and puffy. It was evident that he was trying to hold back his tears. One might think that this means that he’ll stay. He seemed distraught over the news that his son was crying because of his leave. Surely, he’ll stay, right? 

It wasn’t enough. Nothing ever seems to be enough.

“I’ll be back soon, okay?” He hugged her briefly and gave a light squeeze as a sign of reassurance. As a silent message that it was going to be ok. Even though everything was most definitely not okay. A thousand hugs and gestures of reassurance wouldn’t change this. 

Slytherin didn’t react angrily to his refusal, the unspoken declaration of No, I will not go back home. In fact, it seemed as if she didn’t react at all. However, if one were paying close attention, they would notice the sparkle in her eyes dim. But maybe there wasn’t a sparkle to begin with. She had been enduring this shit for so long that she forgot what it was like to be normal, to feel like the white kid you see in commercials, the one who seemed to radiate mirth, a type of energy that said, I don’t have a care in the world because life is so fucking great and I can’t stop smiling. She didn’t even bother to smile, a common facial expression when one is in a difficult situation and tries to diffuse the somber atmosphere by slapping a facade on their face, the corners of their lips upturned to form a grimace that resembles some sort of a smile—a twisted kind of smile, that’s for sure. Why should she pretend that everything was okay when it wasn’t? Instead, she merely nodded in response. 

When her dad pulled away to pack the last box into the trunk, she took a deep breath to diminish the familiar sense of abandonment that flooded her senses, to clear the warning signs that flashed in her mind. He’s leaving! Your dad is leaving! He’s abandoning you again. You’re apparently not important enough for him to stay. 

She stared at the ground, only looking up when she heard the sound of a car door slamming shut. The resounding click was all it took for the waterfalls to finally pour from her eyes, for it was at this moment when she realized that this was actually happening. This was no dream—it was reality. Her sad, devastating reality. Tears blurred her vision as she watched the car drive away, leaving her in the dust. 

Slytherin gasped in erratic breaths between her broken sobs as her eyes hung onto the tiny speck that resembled her dad who was driving 

away, 

away, 

and a-w-a-y.

Through the jumble of thoughts that clashed in her head, one thing was clear. Her dad was her dad, but only sometimes. 

Tears streaking down her face, she tried to soothe her pain with the belief that he would be back soon. If only she had known that it would be a while before he returned. If only he hadn’t left. Perhaps things would’ve been different for her if he stayed, for this was where it started. 

This marked the beginning of it all.   

Comments and reblogs are a writer’s gold!

MASTERLIST ; sometimes links don’t appear on posts. if you can’t see the link to “MASTERLIST”, the masterlist itself is pinned to the top of my blog. check it out if you haven’t already! 

Author’s note: HI! Were you surprised to see that I posted two fics in a row?? I hope you enjoyed this. Most of it was unfortunately based on what happened to me a year or two ago. I based Ravenclaw on my brother, who did actually cry when my dad was leaving after an argument, and yes, my wack mother did force me to run after my dad to tell him. One of the few differences is that I’m not a drug addict and I’m fine now so dont worry. 

Idk how I feel about this series, it is a lot darker from what I usually write. I know I’m gonna have to write more for creative writing class, so maybe i will continue it. I will try to think of how to turn these fics into something more positive, because this stuff is very heavy and depressing. however, that will be a little difficult because the plot itself is naturally drab. however, i will try to think of a happy ending for Faye/Slytherin. 

Shall we look at some wholesome pictures? 

lmaoaoa i pasted this picture from the internet and tumblr glitched and pushed the pic all the way to the top. imagine seeing this dog at the beginning of the fic, that would be funny :’) 

AWWWWWW I THINK THIS MIGHT BE MY FAVORITE

ok hold up i just realized that is probably a stuffed animal 😐 this is so embarassing lmaoaoa when i saw it i was like THAT IS SO FRICKIN CUTE

OK WAIT WTF NOW I THINK ITS AN ACTUAL DOG??? CAN SOMEONE HELP AND TELL ME IF ITS REAL OR NOT?!! at first, i thought it was real, but then i looked at the paws and it looked kinda fake and i was like this dog is too fluffy and wholesome to be real. BUT THEN I LOOKED AGAIN and i think the owners just put the pooh outfit over the dog?? what is going on with my brain.. but at the same time, its 2 am for me rn so maybe i should get some sleep BUT FIRST, LETS LOOK AT MORE DOGS <3 (lmaoaoa i feel like my friend would say “gosh ur such a hufflepuff” (menna im talking about u lmao omg hey gorl)) 

After seeing this gryffindor pup, i immediately searched up “dog costumes hufflepuff” lmaoooooo

OK THATS ENOUGH DOGS FOR NOW. Part 2 is coming soon. I already have it ready but I might not post it right away. 

That’s all for now. Be sure to let me know what you think. TOODELOOO!

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#Hogwarts #harry potter #slytherpuff #hufflepuff x slytherin #hufflepuff #slytherin #hogwarts imagine #hogwarts houses #hogwarts would include #harry potter would include #slytherin x hufflepuff #ravenclaw #gryffindor #hufflepuff-x-slytherin #slytherin-x-hufflepuff #slytherin and hufflepuff #hufflepuff and slytherin #slytherin friendship #hufflepuff friendship #cedric diggory #hufflepuff pride #slowburn #hogwarts fanfiction #harry potter oneshot #hufflepuff and slytherin fanfiction #slytherpuff friendship #harry potter fanfiction #ravenclaw and slytherin #slytherin and ravenclaw #ravenclaw and hufflepuff