#when school stops fucking my ass

[inkskinned]

the thing about art is that it was always supposed to be about us, about the human-ness of us, the impossible and beautiful reality that we (for centuries) have stood still, transfixed by music. that we can close our eyes and cry about the same book passage; the events of which aren't real and never happened. theatre in shakespeare's time was as real as it is now; we all laugh at the same cue (pursued by bear), separated hundreds of years apart.

three years ago my housemates were jamming outdoors, just messing around with their instruments, mostly just making noise. our neighbors - shy, cautious, a little sheepish - sat down and started playing. i don't really know how it happened; i was somehow in charge of dancing, barefoot and laughing - but i looked up, and our yard was full of people. kids stacked on the shoulders of parents. old couples holding hands. someone had brought sidewalk chalk; our front walk became a riot of color. someone ran in with a flute and played the most astounding solo i've ever heard in my life, upright and wiggling, skipping as she did so. she only paused because the violin player was kicking his heels up and she was laughing too hard to continue.

two weeks ago my friend and i met in the basement of her apartment complex so she could work out a piece of choreography. we have a language barrier - i'm not as good at ASL as i'd like to be (i'm still learning!) so we communicate mostly through the notes app and this strange secret language of dancers - we have the same movement vocabulary. the two of us cracking jokes at each other, giggling. there were kids in the basement too, who had been playing soccer until we took up the far corner of the room. one by one they made their slow way over like feral cats - they laid down, belly-flat against the floor, just watching. my friend and i were not in tutus - we were in slouchy shirts and leggings and socks. nothing fancy. but when i asked the kids would you like to dance too? they were immediately on their feet and spinning. i love when people dance with abandon, the wild and leggy fervor of childhood. i think it is gorgeous.

their adults showed up eventually, and a few of them said hey, let's not bother the nice ladies. but they weren't bothering us, they were just having fun - so. a few of the adults started dancing awkwardly along, and then most of the adults. someone brought down a better sound system. someone opened a watermelon and started handing out slices. it was 8 PM on a tuesday and nothing about that day was particularly special; we might as well party.

one time i hosted a free "paint along party" and about 20 adults worked quietly while i taught them how to paint nessie. one time i taught community dance classes and so many people showed up we had to move the whole thing outside. we used chairs and coatracks to balance. one time i showed up to a random band playing in a random location, and the whole thing got packed so quickly we had to open every door and window in the place.

i don't think i can tell you how much people want to be making art and engaging with art. they want to, desperately. so many people would be stunning artists, but they are lied to and told from a very young age that art only matters if it is planned, purposeful, beautiful. that if you have an idea, you need to be able to express it perfectly. this is not true. you don't get only 1 chance to communicate. you can spend a lifetime trying to display exactly 1 thing you can never quite language. you can just express the "!!??!!!"-ing-ness of being alive; that is something none of us really have a full grasp on creating. and even when we can't make what we want - god, it feels fucking good to try. and even just enjoying other artists - art inherently rewards the act of participating.

i wasn't raised wealthy. whenever i make a post about art, someone inevitably says something along the lines of well some of us aren't that lucky. i am not lucky; i am dedicated. i have a chronic condition, my hands are constantly in pain. i am not neurotypical, nor was i raised safe. i worked 5-7 jobs while some of these memories happened. i chose art because it mattered to me more than anything on this fucking planet - i would work 80 hours a week just so i could afford to write in 3 of them.

and i am still telling you - if you are called to make art, you are called to the part of you that is human. you do not have to be good at it. you do not have to have enormous amounts of privilege. you can just... give yourself permission. you can just say i'm going to make something now and then - go out and make it. raquel it won't be good though that is okay, i don't make good things every time either. besides. who decides what good even is?

you weren't called to make something because you wanted it to be good, you were called to make something because it is a basic instinct. you were taught to judge its worth and over-value perfection. you are doing something impossible. a god's ability: from nothing springs creation.

a few months ago i found a piece of sidewalk chalk and started drawing. within an hour i had somehow collected a small classroom of young children. their adults often brought their own chalk. i looked up and about fifteen families had joined me from around the block. we drew scrangly unicorns and messed up flowers and one girl asked me to draw charizard. i am not good at drawing. i basically drew an orb with wings. you would have thought i drew her the mona lisa. she dragged her mother over and pointed and said look! look what she drew for me and, in the moment, i admit i flinched (sorry, i don't -). but the mother just grinned at me. he's beautiful. and then she sat down and started drawing.

someone took a picture of it. it was in the local newspaper. the summary underneath said joyful and spontaneous artwork from local artists springs up in public gallery. in the picture, a little girl covered in chalk dust has her head thrown back, delighted. laughing.

#writeblr #warm up #this is longer than i wanted i really considered removing that part about myself and what i went thru #but i think it really fucking bothers me that EVERY time i talk about being an artist #ppl assume i just like. had the skill and ability to drop everything and pay for grad school. #like sir i grew up poor. my house wasn't a safe space. i gave up a FREE RIDE TO LAW SCHOOL. for THIS. bc i chose it. #was it fucking hard? was i choosing the hard thing?? yes. #but we need to stop seeing artists as lazy layabouts that can ''afford'' to just ''sit around and create'' #when MANY - if not MOST - of us are NOT like that. we have to work our fucking ASSES off. hard work. long and hard work #part of valuing artists is recognizing the amount we sacrifice to make our art. bc it doesn't just #like HAPPEN to us. also btw it rarely has anything to do with true talent. #speaking as someone with a chronic condition i hate when ppl are like u have it easy. like actively as i'm writing this my hands r #ACTIVELY hurting me. i haven't been posting bc my left hand was curled in a claw for the last week #this isn't fucking luck. after a certain point it's not even TALENT. it's dedication & sacrifice. #''u get to flounce around and do nothing with ur life'' is a narrative that is a direct result of capitalism #imagine if we said that about literally any other profession. #''oh so u give up 10 yrs of ur life to be a doctor? u sacrifice having a social life and u get SUPER in debt? #u need to work countless hours and it will often be thankless? well i wish i was that lucky'' #we should be applying that logic to landlords ONLY #''oh ur mom and dad gave u the money to buy a house? and all u did was paint it white and rent it? huh.''

[bixels]

Just gonna have to wait and see, right? Just wait and see! Just gotta wait and see! Who knows, we'll just have to wait and see! It's anybody's guess, we'll just have to wait and see! The future is exciting, we just gotta wait and see!

#personal #my art #Fuck your fake ass 'i am very smart!' intellectualizing “observations” and open your god damn ears. #do something for fucks sake. it's sickening seeing videos of ai crap and seeing rows and rows of repliers using their one brain synapse #to type “wow! very exciting!” “haha this is kind of scary! but in a really interesting way!” #and then they go about their day without a second thought while creative industries burn around them #i go to one of america's top tech schools too and it's enough to make you wanna tear our your hair #every day it's seminars and talks about “the potential consequences of ai!” when the consequences are happening NOW #NO MORE DISCUSSING NO MORE INTELLECTUALIZING NO MORE SOCRATIC SEMINARS NO MORE DEBATING. ACT YOU COWARDS #people are getting hurt RIGHT NOW. stop pretending to care when you clearly don't! just be honest and say you wanna make money #my time here has really made me hate academic spaces. you people are so god damn useless and cowardly.

[rabble-dabble]

and by the way i fucking deserved better. you came back with your hand held out and asked me to love you again like i was a fool, like you knew i wanted you to do but you forgot friendship is a two way street and i loved you deeper than you loved yourself. i heard myself in your words and i knew the answer before you asked the question because i spent a year grieving and a year growing and another two years healing and three more years forgetting and you sent me a message asking me to forgive you as if i already hadn't done so. you asked to try again and i almost became the fool that did it because once upon a time we were best friends then we weren't and i cried at night wishing you'd come crawling back to say those words to me again. and i thought of all the ways i could tear you apart with my teeth before carefully mending you back together with my sparkly glue and my shaky sowing needle.

but in reality i knew if i let you in again that i could forgive you but i'd never be able to forgive myself. i'd be looking into the past and spitting into the face of the kid who gave up everything he felt about you to become me and i needed to let you go like the sand between my cupped hands. the ocean cleans away the grit and leaves seashells in them. its a reminder that there are still things to find and cherish. i deserve to love the world and you will not be a part of it. i am not sorry for that.

#text post #rabble poem #friendship #vent #the audacity of ex best friends to message you like 'hayyyyy' #begone bitche #and also imagine my face when i find out my message to her was in the echo of the vent letter i wrote in a vent book #i could forgive her but i'd never forgive myself <- fav line btw. no i am not being normal about it #also yeah i blocked her ass she was like 'i miss youuuuuu i miss our friendshiiiip' #girl. 6 years too late what. we homoerotically broke up /queer platonically in MIDDLE SCHOOL move ON #me as i say the most fucked up writing possible. listen i deserve it i was normal about it for like a MONTH #imagine my surprise when i open my facebook messanger at work and i see her name like i almost threw away the whole damn phone #she said she couldnt stop thinking about me tho like LMAO i live rent free in ur head?? have fun with that bye <3

[juniperhillpatient]

Have I mentioned lately that I LOVE Claire Zomer so so so much? Because I do

#ahhhhhh I fucking looooveeee her #everyone who hates her & Xavier misunderstands the show & also I have a grudge against u if you feel this way #my best friend Claire is sooooo underrated #when she basically humiliates the sheriff while standing up for Xavier & mic drops ??? #honestly boss ass biiiiiiitchhhhhh #yes I can’t stop watching school spirits what about it #school spirits #I’m allergic to new shows sorry

[sevicia]

I wanted to make a cleaner summary of last week's classes and also review the classes I have this week since the material is already uploaded beforehand but I was feeling so horrible throughout the day that when I sat down I was just gonna look at the ones for tomorrow but I think I'm just gonna go to bed because I just gave my little numbers game a few tries and not even the joy of tribial elementary school-level math games is bringing my brain cells and/or full sentience back

#diary #accessing it through the CMD thing and not just running it from the IDE made me realize a few things about it though so I'll hav #I'll have to maybe jot them down somewhere when I'd normally just be rly excited and try to fix them straight away like I am truly fucked r #I do wanna make an eng version of it sometime soon so I can share it even tho it's literally the simplest little thing. it's fun if you're #an easily amused nerd that loves playing with numbers in a truly useless manner. if that makes sense #also very obviously text-only I am NOT torturing myself with any graphics of ANY kind rn #it closes immediatly as they do and also when it comes to having double/triple digit starting numbers it becomes a lot less fun I think tho #though I haven't used it much with those yet #I still wanna figure out a way of making it better when it comes to 2/3 digit starters. and my original idea included maybe keeping track #keeping track of how many steps you took even between different rounds but I made the simplest version for now. I also think making like a #''this was the least amount of steps possible!'' type thing would be very very cool but that is FAR too big brained for me rn #cause I can figure out how to do the record keeping thing but that last one is like. let's stop talking for a little while................. #oh but adding an actual interface sounds so fun even though I have very little clue on how to do that rn I could probably STOP typing becau #because I can feel my stupid ass self start getting excited about this which will make it so I start working on it instead of going to bed #NO. DOWN !!!!!!!!!!!!!! auhgh............ oh man I had a lame joke to make but I completely forgot what it was #I have coding class tomorrow in which I normally just do the exercises as fast as possible before playing around but the only Python editor #I could find installed on the school computers was Visual Studio Code and I have no clue how to use that shit like I don't need so many #so many buttons. probz. OKAY GOODNIGHT

[astridthevalkyrie]

feeling like you’re 12 when you’re 22 is genuinely such a humiliating experience.

#my dad and mom have been on my case ab asking for permission before I go places and it makes me kinda sick #seeing everyone around me make plans or whatever and then being like ‘I’ll have to ask 🥺 👉🏽👈🏽 #’ #and my dad’s a liar he’s like it’s not like we ever say no #except my mother does and so does he??? #even the muslim girls I am friends with have more freedom and you know what’s amazing ab this is #they can’t stop me from going to school. they don’t pay for that #they can’t take my car. they don’t pay for that #my mom can stop making food for me and I will manage just fine #they wanna kick me out???? blessing in disguise #but it’s hilarious that as an adult i’m still paying for everything I use but I still have to ask permission genuinely fuck off #my parents when I have to stay late on campus for some school event: 😒 #the way I’d be making money rn if they didn’t decide to come and stalk me at work and see me without my hijaab on #and that one’s on me I could choose to just work with it on and make them happy #but I literally can’t as a matter of principle #i’m given such little pride as it is and if I say I don’t want to work with a hijaab on that’s that #i got an internship two days ago for the summer and you can bet your ass I’m not wearing my hijaab #except it’s not paid #and as much as I have guilt spending I really don’t spend a lot and it makes me so angry #i know that your 20s isn’t your whole life and people shouldn’t think that if they waste their 20s their life is up #but it’s like #my teens were already so shitty and abusive and trapped #how much longer do I have to deal w this before i’m treated like an adult #trick question! it’s only until a man can own me bc then he can make my decisions instead of them <3

[haemosexuality]

do you want to learn all kinds of things and be a more well educated person? has it been a while since youve thought about killing yourself? school can change one of those things

#i love spiraling #the thought process goes something like this: #im definitely gonna fail this school year→which sucks ass bc i was already supposed to have finished school next year so being held back #again is. not great→why tho→bc im bad at school dont apply myself at all have done jack shit all year and am too scared to ask teachers for #help. bc i have social phobia→why havent i told this to my parents sooner tho and asked them for help? ik they would do anything they could #to help me and wouldnt make me feel bad at it theyve never been like that→well bc im ashamed and also didnt want to put that on them. they #have enough to worry about without their 18 yr old daughter acting like shes a middle schooler→ok well failing the kast year of school would #definitely still be putting that on them tho. theyre gonna have to worry and put plans they had for when u finished school on hold etc. so #ur stressing them out and being a problem anyways→well the best course of action would be to kms then sincs thats the only way i can truly #stop being a problem for my parents forever→oh fuck not this again cmon

[undyinglantern]

being closer to your 30s than 20s and having nothing to show for it is so

#personal #cannot finish college/uni cannot find a job bc poor mental health being dependent on parents still how pathetic #sometimes im like wow i should be grateful i havent been kicked out yet and then its like i need to be as little of a burden as possible #like gee wonder why i still struggle with an eating disorder after over a decade. if i cant fucking off myself might as well take up as lit #le space and use up as little resources as possible #even if i wanted and could afford to go back and get a degree i still wouldnt know what to major or get a degree in #they tell you in high school its okay to be undecided youll figure it out but what if its been 9 years and i still dont know #i know. i guess. also i understand why communication courses are required for a degree but i have failed or dropped out every single class #failed interpersonal communication one semester bc i kept fucking forgetting to take the weekly online quiz and never stopped kicking my ow #ass over it ever since #tried retaking it another cemester and stopped showing up half way though bc i couldnt deal with it anymore #tried taking public speaking another and literally panicked and didnt show up anymore after the first week/class #and that was when i was 18-20 like when its okay if you dont really have anything major to share about your life #imagine being 26 having to go up and say something about yourself and its like. ive been a depressed homebody for the past 5+ years idk wha #else to tell you

[boomerang109]

no because walking on my toes is like “my thing” and it always has been no matter where i go and it’s so funny cause almost no one knows it’s an autistic thing so they think it’s just a fun little quirky thing about me and i’m trying to train myself out of it cause my legs are FUCKED but i love how people know me by my toe-walking and i don’t wanna stop :((

#like my mom toe walked until high school and then someone noticed it and pointed it out and she stopped #but my attention seeking ass fucking loves it #even when one girl in elementary school was rude af it was still like #this is a thing about me #life of a boomerang

[rainbow-sparks]

I saw Jay's playthrough of Sally Face today and it made me remember how much I love this game, so I drew Sal :))!!

#seriously I just ahafgz I'm going to be so annoying about this game now I'm sorry (lying) #(everytime I say/read/etc the word seriously I read it in Ocean's voice when she's singing What The World Needs omfg) #his hair looks like that because........uhmm #cute :33 but also I just..can't draw straight hair :// #in pigtails specifically. idk why it just two ponytails so I don't know WHY I can't... #my dad is saying I HAVE to go to school or he won't pay the wifi bill uhmm apparently it 2 months behind?? uhh yeah...? oof guess I'll #fucking kms instead because if I have to be at that DAMN HIGHSCHOOL AGAIN #I am only a freshman and I already wanna bash my head into the desk #MY GYM TEACHER DIDN'T EVEN KNOW MY FUCKING NAME #AND I have to deal w/ shitty fucking allergies on top of that because my mom SUCKS and I didn't think to grad the medicine when I was #leaving yesterday morning mostly cause her BITCH ASS EX WAS THERE IN THE LIVING ROOM (that's connected to the kitchen; where the medicine #was) because she can't kick him out and she has work so she need him there anyway because free babysitting because she had this stupid #fucking kid with him 4 years ago :// #what am I talking about??? #sorry for ranting babe hehe <3 back to being a silly little guy ^^!! #so my friend wants me to play D&D with her and her other friend (idk who they are?? she never told me their name) #so that's cool :) #anyway I listened to Sanity Falls again I fucking love those songs god Idk y I stopped listening to these what was wrong w/ me damn :DDD!!! #gonna queue a few post so they go up while I'm either asleep or at school #probably school cause my dad said if I'm asleep he'll beat me awake :/ so yeah...not new whatever :/ #can't even complain; cause according to my parents it isn't abuse to hit you're CHILD and they had it worse so stfu and I hate you' like #WTF WAS THAT? BRO?? ughh like okay yeha I get it I've been out for a bit but like...really? has Hitting use worked EVER? no? THEN WHY ARE #THEY STILL DOING IT??........ugghhh fuck #night dude :p #omfg I ranted to much I forgot to tag #sally face #sal fisher #sally face sal

[st4rv1ng-doll]

everyday i think about how my parents bullied me more than any of my friends ever did and it breaks my heart

#school is enjoyable because i get to be away from them #and it gets me distracted #but it’s a pain in the ass to go when im not feeling well #mine #rant #vent #and i’m not even talking about scolding or anything like that i’m talking about actual fucking bullying #like my step dad laughed and mocked me whenever i cried #and my mom would take pictures of me without my consent and never stopped until years later #they would also never let me have boundaries #laugh at me when i was little for saying big words (which shouldn’t be a bad thing) #my mom has audio recordings of me without my consent either and didn’t stop whenever i told her how uncomfortable it made me feel #and stuff like that

[mejomonster]

I'm trying to hype myself up to write my Danny story. I'm like tapping into the version of myself a decade ago that was venting with Dark Academia Horror Fantasy in Mundane teen drama dcdnfnjf

#rant #tbf #like. Dannys story has so much like. awareness of discovering sexuality and dealing with homophobic peers and family trauma and #of course the way first love is often messy and a bit toxic because teens havent always learned yet that if a lover isnt compatible #to STOP and not keep dating and sometimes love isnt enough #and like its just. funnt cause all my stories with adult leads they are OVER this shit. healed. or at least more healed #they are not making these level of choices. they already KNOW a lot of who they are. #so its odd going back in to when like. fuck. i didnt even know i was nonbinary/felt like a dude! #and danny was my vent lil character. and hes as nonbinary as my ass but he doesnt have the words to describe it the way i do now #and its like idk. its like having a fond love for my childhood but also im so glad its in the past in the rearview #its terrifying i lived through it u know. and like. of course thats why the high school set portion is Horror

[uniformbravo]

ok i caught up in bnha anime & hmshnghmsng i like fucked up angsty nightmare deku....... motherfucker doesn't sleep...... hasn't showered in weeks..... stopped eating all might's bentos, gloves are morphing into literal claws for some fucking reasoHe's becoming For Real feral. he has fleas. fucking Creatre. Gettem, Boys

#i cant stop laughing that the entirety of class a showed up to collectively beat his ass for trying to drop out of school #this bitch was abt to die 20 seconds ago to a mob of random civilians w knives & now hes like I Will Defeat 18 Competent Heroes In Training #SCREAMING deku pls take a goddamn nap im Begging u hot topic is about to fucking sue u #and apologize to all might Right Fucking Now #SMH......... #retag later #bnha blogging #bnha spoilers #U___U I Am Not Immune To Self-Sacrificing Protagonists U___U This Is Not A Self-Sacrificing Protag Liker-Free Space U___U #also fucking. ive been watching spongebob speedruns and the fucking #when deku was using that one quirk that lets u store kinetic energy or w/e & release it all at once later #i was like ah yes. like spongeball storage #defeat all for one using the sickest speed strats #absolutely love btw. the one for all predecessors telling him hey buddy hey my guy ur body is goingto explode if u use the quirks like thi #deku (furiously squatting just absolutely going ham on those quads): read ✔️ #im gonna yell im so excited for whatever happens next Get his ass!!!!!! make him brush his teeth HELL YA #get this bitch a fucking snickers for GODs sake

[spectrophobias]

psa if ur seriously pressed about someone writing a fictional character on tumblr u need to get a fucking life and do some soul searching on why u think everyone else needs to cater to you and the way you think things should be written and spoken about

#im so serious if u think whiny anons or callouts are the correct response to.... #(checks notes) not liking the harmless thing someone is writing...... #stay far the fuck away from me and maybe take a step back and ask urself if u really want to be a grown ass adult crying over tumblr #get a lifeeeeeeeeeeee #this is why i dont come on this fucking site like that anymore like some of you really do not know how to ignore things you dont like #grow the fuck up #get some semblance of self respect and stop crying that not every single thing on this site perfectly aligns with your ideal world #learn to unfollow and block #but jesus fucking christ just grow the fuck up #(thank god this is not directed at any of my followers but #i know there are some freaks out here that keep an eye on content that actively upsets them so) #like obviously im not going to support people being harmful and problematic but . nobody is doing that right now. #and some of yall are really making it your mission to shit on people when you can just. not fucking follow them if you dont like their blog #please stop acting like a middle school posse jesus fuck grow up #look for the light (ooc)

[devilofthepit]

i am so much more mentally ill than i was last year but also in different ways. the problems i had a year ago have not gone away but i care significantly less now #growth unfortunately my current problems are now worse.

#i dont havé the mental fortitude to look at the long ass new years resolution list i made in my notes app when my phone was dying on the bu #s back from school #but i saw someone posting abt their resolutions and i remembered tjem and man everything i cared about was so stupid likr none of it mattere #d all my problems were so small #i mean i remember the state i was in around this time last year and thays not entirely true i was dealing witj scjool and a job etc but most #of my resolutions were just to stop caring so much abt things that #i never should have cared about in the first place #not that my problems are that bad now. many of them would be solved by not having a fever and not pmsing #some of them tho. are representative of larger issues. but i handle them #i just want to mot have to handle them for once i think having a fever is my body’s way of telling me to slow down and relax and not try to #have everything together but ive been sick for so many days that its getting old and i want to be done and there are legit things to do like #fucking finals #but i will survive life goes on etc #im not usually a new years resolution person but i think it might help to be more thoughtful and introspective instead of repressing #everything so perhaps i shall try again this year