#when she said it I was thrown back | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

corcedo · 2 years

Text

@solaoccasum : five times. lysandra & kazimir. five times left: ( five times the sender and receiver parted ways )

01. shooting stars never fly for me

「 well, see you soon i guess? maybe? 」

he offers, laughs a little at the awkwardness of the statement. truth be told, most of the time their meetings were never truly planned. either they ran into each other or one sought the other out - however they both somehow managed to find each other without prior discussion anyway - and yet it’s nice. a relaxing distraction from the every day shadows that creep up on kazimir.

he doesn’t know much about lysandra - hasn’t asked yet because if she ever wants to share she will. he’s caught a few facts here and there but never anything substancial; which is fine. it’s not like he’s given anything away himself either. it’s what somehow makes this comfortable in the first place. two people comfortable around each other without having to share too much.

he likes that, doesn’t remember many times in the past where someone’s been fine with things being like this even when he’s elaborated how he wasn’t one to share time and time again.

it’s late already and for the first time the dark of night becomes more like a comforting blanket than a cloak he wraps himself in so he won’t have to witness himself and can slip out of sight. he’s glad, though. that the street lights illuminate the path enough to not make the glaring lights from his eyes all too obvious. she most likely caught on anyway but it’s not like she’s commented on it. yet another thing he’ll miss once she’s gone again. being accepted without question.

she gives a laugh and - as if he’s still a child - ruffles his hair and even though he wants to be annoyed by that he somehow can’t bring himself to mind. somehow it’s comforting.

she says something and even if he doesn’t hear it properly it’s either something along the lines of “we’ll see” - which would explain the grin on her face, or a “sure” which would feel reassuring if he didn’t somehow get the sense that that’s a little less honest than the first option.

he blinks, looks up into the nightsky for a brief moment to look at the few stars visible beneath the city lights and offers a casual shrug. as if he didn’t mind the idea of not seeing lysandra again. which he does. very much so, but it’s not his place to say that anyway.

「 take care, and don’t cause too much trouble, yeah? 」

02. dawn is breaking on the stage

he pauses when lysandra says she should get going. he’s come to expect that by now and he does appreciate that she gives him a warning rather than just disappear without it - as though she’s grown aware of the fact that other than her he has not many people to talk to.

as if she’s grown to understand how inexplicably, inescapably lonely he truly he is.

it almost saddens him, to think that perhaps she really knew and that’s the reason she keeps coming back. he wouldn’t want that; wouldn’t want the burden of thinking that she only pities him and nothing more. he liked things the way they were before, when he could sincerely convince himself that his presence was truly likable. enjoyable. that it was his company she sought.

he offers a small nod, gives a smile that by his standard looks as sincere as any. perhaps one of the few advantages of not being able to properly express himself like a normal human; nobody could ever guess when he was lying or when he was being honest. at least nobody who wasn’t himself or had known him before his death. oh, but she had, hadn’t she? but did she know?

the question leaves him at a loss for words and his mouth opens as if to ask it - to consider that maybe she does, maybe that is why she returns every now and then. because back then they had parted ways and he’d never seen her again until he was somebody entirely else.

but he doesn’t, stops himself before that sort of thought can leave him in any way shape or form. instead his voice is soft, gentle. as if he didn’t just have a thousand thoughts running through his head and ripping at his heart. as if he’d simply been thinking of what to say.

「 i appreciated your company today. i hope we’ll see each other again. 」

03. creatures of the underworld

he’s messed up. he wanted to help galanis and instead everything he has built for himself had come crashing down upon his shoulders with the weight of the earth. as though he was to blame for everything falling out of its hinges like a door breaking down. he sits idly, waits. bides his time.

and the only solace is whenever lysandra visits. it is a comfort like no other - when they first met he’d merely been a man trying to escape his own past. to avoid anyone from the past while embracing the pain it caused him like it was what his entire life was built upon, like a castle on sand. and perhaps it was; and now the tidal waves came crashing down and took the sand away.

he plays off his anxiety with a soft laugh, balls a hand into a fist as if he’s about to give her a friendly hit against the shoulder. instead he lifts it to raise his cheek against it while he tilts his head when he looks at the demi - god. she’s always been sort of a comfort to him, hasn’t she?

he smiles, a little. softly. its barely visible in the deem light of the bars back rooms - luckily enough the owner owed him several favors and they could talk and relax without the rowdy crowd behind the doors. he’d never been quite fond of those ruffians.

he looks at the clock, it’s late - perhaps way too late, even when he doesn’t know for what - and he slaps his thighs with the palms of his hands suddenly, gives a soft “so”.

「 i’m assuming you have business to attend to, yes? should you ever feel like visiting again, i am here every friday and sunday night from nine pm on. 」

he no longer says he hopes they’ll see each other again because at this point it feels almost redundant to say; if she wanted to see him she’d find him anyways. and if she didn’t, well, he’d simply have to accept that. so instead all he can do is offer her a way to make it easier.

even if it means having to make way through the human version of the underworld. but that’s fine, he assumes. he’s one of the very people here - this is his crowd even if he doesn’t want that. he’s not above any of these people and he knows they’re almost all better than him anyways. and those who aren’t ... well, before galanis calls him back he probably has some time.

04. can’t remember to forget you

she came. just like always he’s pleasantly surprised to find her enter through the door when he pretends to sip away at liquor while he smokes a cigar he can’t even taste or feel in his artificial lungs. it’s something to do, and it is what he desperately needs every time he finds himself alone in the back rooms, isolated and planning ahead. perhaps it was his dreadful cynicism but planning ahead for every possible scenario was by far the most interesting of his mundane tasks.

they spent the evening talking away, and even if it was only the barebones and superficial stuff on a past he has long since left behind and abandoned, he’s opened up a little bit. about his family, how proud he was of his sister for getting so far in life even if they were no longer on speaking terms. how he wished he could hug them all one last time.

she listens to it all, as if what he has to say is actually interesting and it makes his metaphorical heart swell. he doesn’t clearly remember the last time he’s opened up to someone about ... anything. nor the last time someone’s cared enough to listen.

and in return he listens to whatever she has to tell him, soaks it up like a sponge because it is interesting, it makes his day and it will be remembered forever. burnt into his memory to not be forgotten just like anything else in his life. but this, he actually will remember with fondness because it makes things sound as though he was actually partially a part of someone elses life.

and all night the shadows lingering over his future, waiting for the opportunity to strike and harm, are all but distant little flickers in the face of the warmth and light that lysandra brings to his life.

by the end of the night he doesn’t particularly mind that they have to part ways when she says she has to go. it’s almost like a ritual at this point anyways - lysandra giving him a heads up and kazimir, like an expectant puppy, offering any sort of information that will make it easy to find him should she seek his company out again - even when it really shouldn’t be.

except this time there’s a moment of inattentiveness, a flickering of his system warning him of something he can’t even read before it’s gone again, right as he stands up, topples over and lands directly on the knife he’s used to play dart instead of actual darts. it’s only a mild scratch, one that doesn’t even bleed (a lot) and yet lysandra seems to at least want to make sure he’s alright after she’s already helped him get up. he blinks, confused and dazed and then sits back down before he feels his shirt lightly pulled up just enough to reveal the minor injury.

she doesn’t question or mention the light purple that oozes from the wound instead of crimson blood. all she does is press a cloth against the wound until the bleeding has completely stopped (rather quickly, thankfully enough) and he finds himself staring down at her with wide eyes.

shock, fear, excitement - he doesn’t know what it is that makes him startle but he does, gives a little twitch in place at the fact she’s leaning over him by now before he tilts his head to the side.

「 i’d accompany you out but i should rest. 」

he doesn’t dare to look at her expression, but she offers a reassurance that he should and that she’ll notify the barkeep to have an eye on him - just in case. he can’t quite read her tone but he does know that he feels immeasurable disappointment in himself. whatever he’s expected or wanted; once again he’s ensured it wouldn’t happen. but maybe that’s for the best.

05. it always ends bad, doesn’t it?

the genuine concern lysandra displays warms him even against the cold of his own metal body. not that he could truly feel either of those things, but it was nice anyway.

he glances to the side, says nothing at first even when she asks if he’s okay. instead all he does is try to push the warning that repeatedly flashes in his sight out of mind; except he can’t, not when the blaring red keeps appearing over and over again. but he can’t tell her, doesn’t dare to burden her with his problems when she’s already done so much for him even without knowing.

she’s become one of the very few constants in his life and given his track record with people and the way with which she seemingly disappears (and reappears, oddly enough at least in his case) with no problem - that’s something he does not take for granted.

she has a hand on his shoulder, tries to get his attention and he looks up from the ground his gaze had been practically glued to - dazed and confused as if he’s a normal person that just woke up groggily. but he’s not, he’s a monster and he doesn’t deserve compassion and kindness. especially not in all the ways lysandra has given it to him, anyway.

no - she doesn’t deserve to be dragged into this mess; out of everyone he knows she’s the least involved in it, even if he assumes the realization from last time has partially made him reckless enough to risk a system instability. he offers a weak smile, sighs without any air or breath to it.

「 i have to leave. 」

unlike the way he stands, wobbles as if even his legs refuse to work properly, his voice is steady. calm - eerily so, even. his smile widens a little bit, just enough to be visible properly, when he reachs out a hand, rests it against her cheek and brushes his thumb over the skin of her face.

she’s warm, both inside and out, and perhaps it was greedy of him to want to feel the comforting heat of that for as long as he has. perhaps that is why now it is his turn to repay her kindness by sparing her the blistering cold of the emotional baggage that comes with him. especially knowing what is going to inevitably happen soon enough. she shouldn’t have to deal with that.

and it’s a bitter irony that the person he always assumed to be the kind to leave someone behind if she had to was the one who didn’t abandon him. it makes this all so much harder, too.

「 words cannot express how thankful i am to have known you. i may never be able to repay your kindness, but i can spare you the curse of knowing me in my entirety. i just hope that one day you’ll remember me with fondness, i know i will. 」

#long for ts #long tw #this SUCKS ass and i will probably rewrite it because im not satisfied #but i am running on 3 hours of sleep. its past midnight AND i wanted to finish this damn draft before i went to bed so #FJKKLDJFLS here #pls take it and dont mention how bad my writing has gotten sdFJASDKLFFJ #also am i using this as an excuse to further?? what i have planned?? yes :)#and no worries the last one isnt actual goodbye. he's gonna try to seek her out again when he feels better. but :)#you know :)#its why i was like '' :) '' when you said lysandra leaves people behind because im just jflsjakffjg #IT MADE EVERYTHING SO IRONIC FOR ME bc i literally had already planned that #kazimir who swore to himself he'd never leave anyone behind. would eventually be forced to TRY and cut ties with people #bc imagine he comes back and then she's just like. the one that leaves.#hahahahahha i am in pain dont ask me wh y #dSFJAKSLG NAYWAYS IM RAMBLING. MY WRITING SUCKS + I CANT SEE WITHOUT BLRURY VISION #it was time for len to leave he had thrown enough garbage into his replies #( answer // the golden one with the golden rules : kazimir )#( & SOLAOCCASUM // still trying everything to keep you looking at me : lysandra )

2 notes · View notes