#where did my childhood go

[bury-me-alive]

#traumacore #actually traumatized #im so tired #where did my childhood go #mentally ill #mentally unstable #su1c1d4l #ventcore #void #dereality

[introspectivememories]

#AUUUGH WAILING SCREAMING CRYING SLIDING DOWN THE WALL SOBBING #BROCEDES PLEASE WHY COULDN'T YOU TWO HAVE BEEN NON-FAMOUS #WHY DID YOU DRAG ALL OF US INTO YOUR SITUATIONSHIP #my mom is sick of me wailing about them. nearly collapsed at work when i remembered 'yes... and team-mate' #sliver springs is going platinum in my house rn #how can you be childhood friends and just fall apart like that? i think about falling out with tas like that and i go nearly catatonic #yeah you're a 7x wdc winner and you got the one wdc that you wanted but was it worth it? was this loss worth it? would you do it again? #going by the interviews they probably would and that's why they fell out in the first place. i literally cannot imagine caring about some #trophy over my childhood best friend but like i guess that's why they're pro level athletes and i'm in my room posting about them #anyway what the fuck was up during f1 photographers during their fallout? why is every photo of them cinematic? did you know we'd be using #them? did you know we'd go crazy? or were you also like 'oh this is cinema in the making. i gotta capture this.'? #anyway for all of that want to know where the quote is from‚ it's jacob black from twilight when bella is getting turned into a vamp #stephanie meyer had one (1) banger line and it was this #brocedes #brocedes edit #f1 edit #f1 web weaving #nico rosberg #lewis hamilton #nr6 #lh44 #formula 1 #web weaving #please ignore my absolutely atrocious photo editing skills. thank you imgflip!!

[lobotomyladylives]

I think bpd is a bullshit stigmatizing label thrown at women to pathologize what is very obviously a response to prolonged childhood trauma and would be better labeled as C-PTSD. that being said my god I am bpd as fuck

#my sister just snapped at me bc i said i dont want to do a ton of physical labor for the job she signed me up for which apparently does i #in fact involve a lot of it. and her being mad for even that moment sent me spiraling so badly & i had the reaction i often do where #i start hating both her & myself terribly & want to isolate forever #i think she hates her new job & is taking it out on me but it doesnt matter bc i cant handle being yelled at #and the fact thst it took me till adulthood to realize thats bc i associate it with my father is crazy. yeah its just the cptsd like #everything else. and whats nutso is how i continue to think my trauma Wasnt Bad Enough for ptsd . #just bc he didnt beat the shit out of or molest me i feel like i dont even have a right to be this fucked up #not that it was only him. being bullied at school really did not help. i guess now that i think about it the problem is that until #i was a teenager i literally did not feel emotionally secure anywhere. home or school. always the ticking of a bomb in the bg #the inevitable moment my dad blew up over nothing or i overheard my peers talking about what a freak i was #i dont know why it still hurts to think about. im so far removed from it my life now couldnt be more different #well thats the stupid fucking thing about childhood isnt it. those are your very first experiences with the world & other ppl #i do know my view of romantic relationships was irrevocably poisoned by my parents & that is never going to be undone. so cool

[totally-just-trash]

You long for it. You Envy it. The peace and tranquillity of this place

#dissociation #liminalcore #edit #home #rapid eyes #my edit #liminal tumblr #where did everyone go #longing #desire #jelousy #envy #home is the first grave #death #growing up #childhood

[ask-wren-zhang]

For your ask post:

If they were ever granted one wish, what would they wish for?

Sighs in wistful lactose intolerance, "to eat a cheesecake." 😔

#rp #wren speaks #wren tries to be funny #writing the rest OOC bc Wren is very unlikely to say any of these out loud 😆 It's going to get a bit convoluted from here #and I really want to take this chance to add something more in depth instead of just something quippy as usual #a little backstory tidbit #Ok so Wren was born in Dublin but her family moved to Belfast #a violent and overcrowded city with deteriorating conditions at the time HL takes place (I did my history homework lol) #at some point Wren's childhood was plagued with riots and arsons #it's why she dislikes the spell Incendio 🔥 #yet even since attending Hogwarts #her parents for some reason insist on staying in Belfast #more than anything Wren wants her parents to see sense #that whatever academic or business pursuits they have aren't worth risking their lives every time they leave the house #and maybe convince the Ministry into relocating her parents to Hogsmeade #or at least somewhere nearby in Scotland where she can keep an eye on them #but her parents are as stubborn as a mule #and they don't write to her often #Wren has no choice but make do with the occasional letters from home #then go to bed every night riddled with anxiety #thinking whether her family made back home safely #😃

[bl00dsh0tc0r3]

#trauma #traumacore #childhood trauma #tw trauma #tw vent #vent #personal vent #childhood #actually traumatized #i woke up dizzy and confused #what happened and where did you go #come back #dont leave me alone #my edit

[vulpinesaint]

i don't talk about alucard castlevania very often because the last season of castlevania was so bad to me that i just don't engage with the show anymore like that but make no mistake. i have many thoughts and opinions on that man.

#first of which is they should have treated him better 😭 #like not out of a 'oh he's my favorite character he deserves everything' standpoint #he is and he does. but also What Was The Point Of All That 😭 like jesus christ!!!!! #castlevania writer voice what if we made him sit alone in his empty desecrated childhood home where he just killed his father #and then gave him some company. and then had that company gain his trust and sleep with him and then try to kill him During sex #and then he went insane! and killed a lot of people! #and then we fixed him by giving him a girlfriend :D #shut UP BRO SHUT UP #if you're gonna do all that. at least let him continue to be gay #not in a 'i don't believe he's bisexual' way but going 'yeah he has gay sex!' and then making the gay sex encounter end in gruesome murder #doesn't uh. doesn't really spell gay rights. can he have sex with a man in a way that ends with him not horribly traumatized #i don't like his relationship dynamic with that woman in the last season either but that's for different reasons. #i feel like he got steamrollered by her y'know :/ malewifed etc. etc. :/ #she was a fine character i just didn't like the two of them together #or how it was framed as like. y'know. alucard just needed to get bossed around. that'll give him purpose again. #hey what if. if he was gonna kiss someone about it. he did that with the people that he bonded with and trusts and knows. #just a thought. ANYWAY #valentine notes

[witchmd13]

Heyyy so i encountered or rather reencountered a Dutch song by comedian Claudia de Breij (went to a show of hers today! Was great) and it most of it made me think of jess? And his like father-y relationship with Luke?? If they were both less emotionally constipated, that is. I translated it, was wondering what you thought <3

Hide could also mean in this instance "take shelter"

And i dont know how accurate of an English sentence 'could i come to you' is, but its basically the same thing as 'could i come over [to Your house]'

When the war comes

And i have to hide

Could i come to you?

If there comes a club

That i dont (want to) belong to

Could i come to you?

If there comes a rule

That i cant fulfill

Could i come to you?

And if i have to be something,

That ive never been

Could i come to you?

(chorus)

Could i hide with you?

When i cant anywhere else

And if i have to cry

Will you dry my tears?

Cause if i could come to you

You can always come to me

Come whenever you want

Ill keep a room free for you

When the storm comes

And i am afraid

Could i come to you?

When the night falls

And its too dark for me

Could i come to you?

When the spring comes

And im in love

Could i come to you

If the love comes

And i know for sure

Could i come to you?

(chorus x2)

When the end comes

And i am afraid

Could i come to you?

(x2)

Reading this actually made me tear up. it fits them so well. I've been reading and re-reading the lyrics for the past 5 minutes and every time I get tears in my eyes.

thank you so much for sending this to me. Jess and Luke's relationship is very dear to me. it's one of the primary reasons why s3 is my favorite season. even at his most destructive, luke loved jess so much and jess did too, even if he didn't realize it until he grew up. like that scene when jess wouldn't comes back to stars hollow for liz's wedding but only agrees later because luke asks him to? and when jess almost freezes in his car because he's a stubborn idiot? and luke waits in his truck until he made sure jess got into the dinner safely? it makes me tear up every time. they're both too emotionally stunted but they care so much about each other.

"when the war comes, and I have to take shelter, could I come to you?"

"you're hoping for reciprocation? You got it. I'm here, Jess. I'm always here."

(I hope you had fun at the show btw! 💙)

#also they're so similar it's insane #i did a post on that once #one day i'm hoping to actually write down all the similarities between them as teenagers #from what luke says about his childhood it feels like they were the same person #off the top of my head #luke once tells lorelai “i spent a lot of afternoons where i was supposed to be at school here [the diner]” #and he also tells her about his high school “3 years of going there I have no good memories. None. Kids were as dumb then as they are now.” #like if that not the most jess thing to ever say i don't know what is #didn't mean to ramble so much but ugh they make me feel things #gilmore girls #luke and jess

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#its so weird. i feel like march 5th went on for more than a day somehow. i guess that's just bc we were awake for just abt all of it #my dad wanted to start doing things immediately so he was calling and scheduling all day. we went to the funeral home we went to the store #and it was weird bc as we were moving around it was like wow we r a 4 person family now. this is it. and theres so much to do after a person #dies. or at least there is when they were loved so much and jesus christ my mom was one of the best ppl a LOT of ppl knew. she did so much #for so so many ppl. and with her childhood she had every reason to b a fuck up but no she was kind and selfless and amazing. her mother is #trying to bask in the attention of her death when its like: truely go fuck urself. her being such a good person has nothing to do with u. u #treated her appallingly. fuck off. and fucking everyone knows it. god. she is a product of her grandparents kindness. and it sounds like her #dad was amazing like her. but he tragically died in a car wreck when she was 3. she was in the car. no one in my mums family believes in a #god now. too many bad things happened to the shining gems in a collection of wild alcoholics. but its not all bad. my family's staying close #my dad is taking it hard bc this means hes alone now and my mum took care of so many things bc she was so smart and he feels so dumb. he #feels he didnt deserve her. hes working on giving more hugs now. and hes using us to anxiously talk things out the way he did with mom #which is good. i cant imagine if this happened when we werent 3 adults and he was windowed with 3 kids to raise himself. and its funny. were #saying things we never would have told her. we looked thru pictures of her and she was so so beautiful. a total smoke show. my parents were #a cute couple who produced cute kids. and my mom had trouble communicating and being affectionate tho we knew she loved us there was #distance. theres a pic of my dad pulling her close and shes being tippef towarf her while standing away and thats indicitive of their #relationship. they were 2 partners who lived together independently and that worked but its sad bc my mum couldnt b vulnerable in her #expression. ppl r being so kind tho. ill be in ohio now for like 2.5 more weeks as the funeral stuff shakes out. we have to have 2 bc she #grew up away from her and so many ppl loved her in both locations. she was a popular lady. its so weird to b here on pause. but i feel clear #in my head. i think this will change a lot of my outlook on life. its nice to focus on the person she was and not the horrible 12hrs where i #saw her half dead. i cant imagine how awful it was for my sisters and dad to see her downslide into death. she didnt expect this to b The #Fever that killed her but it did and now she'll never finish a million things. and the house is full of pill bottles and all her junk and #unopened amazon packages and a truck with the fuel left on empty. bc she was an absent minded goofball. ay. well miss her so much #unrelated

[astranauticus]

ok i like rushed through the whole orv webtoon way too fast so now i have thoughts going in like 5 different directions but ep121-123 drive me so fucking insane actually. every time i think about those two conversations i have to sit down

#orv #orv liveblog #like i feel like depictions of childhood abuse in fiction tend to depiction the relationship as some version of #'the one evil violent parent and the one good parent trying their best (it wasnt good enough)' #see: the twins parents from lc s2 is the obvious one but also like #going back to my roots lol but enji and rei todoroki? or hell even fire lord ozai and ursa #yknow theres this idea of like theres the one who was trying! and the one who fucked it all up #well yeah rei's the one who scarred her sons face but thats so obviously framed as like a trauma response outside of her control #like its not something youre reeaally meant to blame her for yknow #the WHOLE idea with kim dokja's conversation with yoo sangah is whether he's supposed to blame/forgive lee sookyung #wait ok those conversations drive me so insane like im feeling the alevel literature urge to fuckin close read quotes #that one line where he thinks like this is the vilest form of violence he can use against sangah goes by SO fast but it hit me SO hard #the idea of asking her to put herself in this nightmare situation she has no frame of reference for understanding or empathising with #and then asking her as someone who she rly cares about! to be the judge in this situation she cannot possibly fully grasp #and all of that being framed as an act of violence towards her. like asking her to do this knowing she cant possibly do it #but also 'did you want me to seem pleased to see you' 'a little (lie)' and 'do you think of me as a mother' 'a little (lie)' #like the pretense of a normal relationship over the yeah we know our relationships fucked over the #unfortunately we still talk and think in the same way and we understand each other way too well #ok wait but circling back to the original point. i saw this fucking incredible fanart on twitter that sort of goes into the like #how do you?? handle?? not knowing if youre supposed to blame your parent for something that they did that hurt you #like its this little animation thing thats all in kdj's internal monologue except for one line where its him saying #'im terrible. i deserved what she did to me' #and its like. yeah that would be easier huh. like the self loathing is easier to handle than the confusion and cognitive dissonance #full disclosure i saw that fanart literally a year ago before i knew jack shit about orv and the sentiment hit me SO HARD i just #havent been able to stop thinking about it for a whole year. like as soon as i finished 123 i immediately went to look for it in my archive #i checked the artist has a tumblr but that art is not on it and it bugs me so much i want them to know that they somehow like #managed to make art so painful it defeated both my non-orv reading self and my lifelong severe memory problems #i mean in comparison that line (that also went by alarmingly fast) about how without twsa back then like kdj would not be here today #like not so much to dig into just. Yikes #and him telling ysa all of this with that fucking smile on his face like thats the part that really gets to me just his *fucking expression

[eatingsomegreeneggos]

Saw them on my TikTok for you page and had to stop whatever I was doing to make a quick drawing of them 💖

#I love theeeem #childhood icons AND gay icons?? #also I swear I made Bert yellow where did all the saturation go???? guess thats what I get for drawing with yellow filter on 😔✌ #but hey at least it protects my eyes! I'd say that's worth it #bert and ernie #what was their ship name?? #bertnie #??? #I'll get back to that #sesamestreet #fanart

[ardate]

.

#just me rambling #badvibe #god. i feel so let down by my friends these days #it's been a billion things piling up for many many weeks #and right now i just got told by a friend with whom I was supposed to go to a convention that she forgot I was coming #so she won't be able to pick me up cuz she's going with her mom instead #we made plans for visiting that city in the morning before going to the convention and all. #i put it down in my agenda and moved plans around to accomodate for it. but she straight up... #entirely forgot i was supposed to be there #she forgot about me #and i'm SO. FUCKING DONE. ABOUT BEING AN AFTERTHOUGHT ALL THE FUCKING TIME #this is just too fucking much. between this and my childhood friend who acts distant w me ever since there was a dumbass quiproquo #where i have to fucking work hard everytime at creating a good atmosphere whenever we see each other cuz she wont put in that effort #and another friend who's been utterly ignoring me on purpose for some fucking goddamn reason i don't know why or what i did #ignoring me or being rude other times #all of those are just examples but its been so many things #i have been. SO fucking patient with everyone. ive helped them so many times too- sometimes to my own loss #i've been so kind and understanding despite my personal struggles - keeping my feelings of anger and injustice at bay #and i get what in response? i'm fucking. forgotten i guess. pushed aside. treated like a nuisance #i feel like its at the point where the closer they are to me the less effort they put in. cuz i'm a given now. they can treat me like shit #they treat strangers better than their close friend cuz they know i'll just take it. or smth. i'm a punching ball for bad moods #i'm done being the understanding one. what about that. what if others were the ones having to come to me and be kind instead #what if i was the one people coddled and offered sympathy to for once in my fucking life #idk. just fucking explode #i feel so disrespected. and uncared for #and so deeply unloved #i'm done. i'm done #the convention thing was just the fucking hammer to break my back after everything #i'm so deeply heartbroken #do i matter to the people i care about

[hella1975]

some people really still treat drugs like it's a fun little thing and im trying SO hard not to get mad about it

#like okay so the set-up is this my flatmate (F) is chronically ill and is on immunosuppressants as well as a fuckton of other stuff #and she started smoking weed bc it's the only thing she's ever found that even touches her pain #ive NEVER had a problem with that ive never had a problem with WEED even IVE done it a couple times #but me and her have VERY different attitudes towards drugs #i came from a hometown where we were between two notoriously drug-high towns/cities and we get caught in a lot of the trading #between those towns so naturally my town just generated a fuck ton of dealers starting when they were like. thirteen years old #i saw it through my entire year i was exposed to class A drugs when i was like. fifteen at parties and shit #it's HUGE in my town i seriously can't express how much it's crippled the youth of my town #like my childhood best mate's brother literally got glassed bc he got into debt with dealers it's just everywhere #so that alone makes me very wary of drugs and like. the novelty of them is just NOT THERE for me at all i actively dislike them #AND THEN there's all the kids in my year that have died bc of substances. there's the phone call when i was AT A PARTY #that my seventeen year old cousin had OD'd. like that just summed it up for me it's so prevelant that i was at a party with drugs #while he was dying. so yeah wholeheartedly i couldn't give a shit about drugs i wont touch anything stronger than weed and even that #im not keen on. my flatmate however? she DOES drugs like she smokes regularly and she likes edibles #but she doesn't come from a druggy place so it's a weird combo of me (doesn't do drugs) knowing more than her (does do drugs) #and bc she's the one who actually does them she pure WONT LISTEN TO ME #and do u know what happened last night? this girl on IMMUNOSUPPRESSANTS got completely fucked #like drank 2/3 of a big bottle of vodka within an hour. and then she fucking went and did ket #and i literally was like 'that would be an awful idea anyway but ket you're REALLY supposed to not mix with alcohol' #like obvs mixing any high class drugs is bad news but ket is renowned for going bad with alcohol #i think it's bc it shuts off the opposite side of the brain that alcohol does? so taking both increases risk of shutting the whole thing of #or smthn. like people forget than an overdose isn't always fatal and i think bc they associate overdosing = dying #they assume the risk is EXTREMELY low especially when ur young and feel untouchable #AND THEN she smoked some weed as well. like i literally sat sober with her and her mate the entire time and again in the kitchen #bc i thought id distracted her from the weed and sitting with her she thought i was just hanging out #like NO BITCH IM MAKING SURE YOU DONT KHOLE BC YOU WERE TOO STUPID TO LISTEN TO ME #and i hardly slept last night bc i convinced myself when i woke up she'd be dead in her room #and we had such a nice day planned today like it's super sunny and me F and another mate are spending the whole day at the park #but she's just cancelled bc she feels too shit and im just. TRYING not to be angry about it #WHY ARE SOME PEOPLE SO DUMB

[coffeeismycallsign]

The 90s and early 00’s English equestrian aesthetic was perfect. Hunter green breeches with tan patches, team polo shirts and that waterproof jacket with your barn logo you begged for. The GPA helmets with the center stripe, the original GR8 from Charles Owen, the fluffy sheepskin halters eq horses had for shows, dark saddles with light knee rolls and a fluffy pad. Sheepskin everywhere. Brass hardware and nameplate bracelets. The smell of Marygold spray. It is 2003 and the dark November 5pm creeps over my after school jumping lesson; my friends and I walk our horses out, counting the quarters we have to see if we can split some hot Cheetos from the vending machine while we wait for our parents to pick us up. Stained uggs replace our riding boots as we pack up to go. This is my Roman Empire.

#equestrian #childhood #youth #I miss this like oxygen #crying my eyes out writing this #horses #early 2000s #2003 #preppy #fall vibes #november #horse show #a childhood I am so blessed to hold and have #where did it all go #I miss my beautiful horse #I wish I had time #dark academic aesthetic #yearning for something gone #thank goodness for memories #personal #my thoughts

[softasawhisper]

#The little shrines they have of each other lol ''Bruh is it gay to devote a place on your mantle to your sworn enemy?'' #where did basil get that portrait? a crime scene or an old hideout? did he have it commissioned? #ratigan made a little doll of basil lol ''hate his guts lets go to joanns fabrics and get crafty' #basil of baker street #great mouse detective #my childhood

[timeisacephalopod]

This winter (the season not the me) has been unseasonably and terrifyingly warm, like it's 10 degrees (Celsius sorry Americans) out today and I'm reminded of an article I read in the news a couple years ago about how Canada was baking at twice the rate as the rest of the world and go 👁️👄👁️. In my youth snow where I live would be probably a foot high in the lowest snow areas of snow drifts and up to my waist (in adult height) in the high parts, and every year I see less and less snow ☠️☠️☠️

On one hand despite my namesake I actually loathe the season winter, I'm extremely sensitive to the cold and getting brain freeze because the wind is blowing against the direction you're walking in sucks booty hole. But like NO snow is extremely bad. VERY bad. Do not like living out the consequences of climate change because uh. Canada just does not seem to have winters like it used to and hasn't in years. It's like watching all the corn crops stop growing like they used to because the summers are so much dryer and hotter with the exception of last summer, which was almost wet enough to kill the corn with that. But they survived and grew bushy like they used to and it was kind of terrifying to acknowledge I hadn't seen a crop that good in years.

#winters ramblings #on one hand it genuinely is SO NICE to not deal with snow seriously it is SO inconvenient #beautiful to look at for sure REALLY stunning when its not literally blinding you but omG snow on roads #in the cities where i live leave HUGE slush puddles and the snow is so MUSHY and WET from cars #pulverizing it to a fine icy slush ready to SOAK your feet in freezing water. shit is inconvenience powder #but the environment is in NEED of the snow that is how this country works environmentally NORMALLY #but no now we have consistently spring weather and ever less snowy winters #although we did have a shitty winter a couple years ago but thats not exacy indicive of much when it goes against prior patterns #and also that shitty winter STILL wasnt the winters of my childhood. the snow was ABSURD then #and yes its because drifts were the size of ME but even the massive piles of snow plowed from side walks are so much smaller #IF theres snow pules at all weve BARELY got snow this year and none of it stuck!! #like damn its been gone long enough ill miss it exactly until i have to walk to a bus stop in it #when i was 13 ill never forget my parents making me return a movie in a snow storm and it took me FORTY MINUTES #to complete this task because the snow NO JOKE was up to my wasit the whole way and i was my full 5'6 then #the snow was HORRIBLE. and for reference how long it USUALLY takes me to walk uptown and back? #roughly 15 minutes round trip so it took longer to walk ONE WAY than it took me to do a round trip no snow #and thats the last time i remember having a REALLY bad winter on account of walking to school was ALSO hell if the sidewalk #wasnt already plowed and usually only the main streets got that and i was Middle Street so id be done when id be going HOME #but not when i was going TO school. that winter blew ASS butlike it was normal bring them back 😭😭