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nerdy-talks · 5 months

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Warning : This post is going to be a very personal rage dump/rant.

There are heavy topics involved, including cancer and death. Also explicit language.

Out of consideration and respect to those of you who would prefer not to read it (since I completely understand why you wouldn’t want to), I will continue under the cut

Also pictures of my dogs, to break up the doom and gloom ^^"

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I absolutely despise, loathe, hate toxic people.

Especially when those toxic people are the “wolf in sheep’s clothing” type.

Especially when those people don’t have the fucking balls to confront others directly and just choose to slink about behind the scenes like scummy little vermin.

So… my uncle Joe passed away a few days ago.

It was expected. He had been battling pancreatic cancer, which ended up spreading into his liver and lungs.

With that being said, even though he will be dearly missed, at least he no longer has to suffer.

I was close with my uncle.

In fact, it’s no exaggeration to say that I was much closer to him than I was with my own father (my Dad was a permanent presence in my life up until the day he died, but we had an extremely tumultuous, dysfunctional, volatile, abusive relationship.)

We visited my uncle Joe regularly ever since I was a baby, all the way up until somewhat recently. He spent countless hours at our place throughout the years. He was super close with my parents, doing tons of outdoorsy activities with them. I spent a good amount of my childhood with his family. When his wife passed away, my parents helped him and supported him. He helped us move twice. My Mom took his kids places when she was just dating my Dad. When my Dad passed away, my uncle Joe was there for me without me even having to ask.

Literally everything was good between us, and always has been.

It’s also thanks to my uncle Joe that we gained a new furry member of our family last year, who we named Dandy 💙 my uncle’s dog had puppies, he asked how many we wanted, so we took one lol

(I’ll include a few poor quality pictures because… well, I should probably break up this message with a little “positivity”, right?)

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This was Dandy when he was still just a baby, 4 weeks and 3 days old.

Look at the cute little potato 🥹

We visited my uncle Joe every week to see him grow and develop, anxiously waiting until he was old enough to bring home.

And this was the day he finally joined our family ~

Look at how tiny he was compared to my one Black Lab (sorry for the terrible quality picture. Our carpets are old, but I swear they don't look that dingy ^^")

And here's Dandy today, one year and five months later ~

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Anyway! Back to my rage-fueled rant :

My uncle Joe met someone about a year and a half ago, and she moved in with him pretty quickly.

Which certainly wasn't a bad thing. We were genuinely happy for him.

She seemed very nice, sweet, accepting, kind, receptive, and welcoming.

But for whatever reason, the dynamic changed the moment my uncle fell ill and the control landed in her hands.

Since my uncle Joe was sick, we all mutually decided that it would be best if communication was between my Mom/me and her (we would text her to check in to see how he was doing, as well as find out if/when it was a good time for us to visit)

This is where some inconsistencies started to appear.

For example :

She would tell us not to visit because my uncle was too sick (which was totally understandable!), but then would tell us a few days later how he was doing great and had fishing trips planned all week.

I 100% believed her at the time.

After all, everyone has both good and bad days.

But then when we would visit, my uncle Joe told us how he couldn’t fish anymore because the chemo was causing neuropathy in his hands, and he couldn’t hold his fishing pole or cast/reel the line in.

Though we just assumed he discovered those issues after she told us about those supposed fishing trips.

But the true eye-opener happened during our one visit. My uncle Joe welcomed us into his home, we talked, found out some updates about his health (which was declining), etc. He was open/transparent with us about everything.

When my uncle went to the bathroom during that visit, his girlfriend made the comment “I probably should have told you guys not to come here, since he’s in a lot of pain today.”

Knowing my uncle, I didn’t budge from my seat. I knew that if he wasn’t up for company, he wouldn't hesitate to tell us to leave.

And I’m glad we didn’t leave… because literally 10 minutes later, her granddaughter came waltzing in to visit her.

My uncle came out of the bathroom, sat on the sofa doubled over in pain as he was talking to me and my Mom (at this time, we asked him directly if we should leave, since we knew he was dealing with a lot and we didn't want to overstay our welcome. He told us not to leave, that we could stay because he felt like shit regardless).

But as he was sitting there, clearly in pain, his girlfriend and her granddaughter asked him to get up and carve a watermelon for them instead of doing it themselves.

What sense does that make?

'I should have told you guys to stay away, but I’m gonna make him strain himself and carve a watermelon for us even though he’s already suffering and struggling enough'

…. Okay. Fuck you too.

We obviously didn’t say anything. We just visited for a little while longer, then left with a friendly/cordial “goodbye, nice to see you again” to her and her granddaughter, told my uncle that we would be thinking about him and see him again, and wished them a good day.

Two and a half months passed before we heard from them again.

Why? Because she refused to answer our numerous calls and texts.

She deliberately ignored us, which actively prevented us from having an opportunity to see my uncle.

And she knew damn well that we wouldn’t just show up at my uncle’s house unannounced because we didn’t want to disturb him if he wasn’t feeling up for company.

We only got in contact with him again after he directly called our phone and left a message saying “hey, just checking in. I hope you’re both doing okay, since I haven’t heard from either of you in a while. Stop by when you can”.

So we went to his house.

When we explained the situation to my uncle Joe/passive aggressively confronted his girlfriend, her excuse was “oh, sorry. The reception here is bad so my phone was probably just acting up.”

For two and a half months?

Even though she was literally using her phone in front of us, which appeared to be working perfectly fine?

Even though she’s always on her phone every time we see her?

Even though she could have reached out to us, yet chose not to? Not even once in two and a half months??

I call bullshit.

My Mom even told her that she was on the verge of sending a text that said “okay, cunt.” since we thought she was ignoring us after not responding to our multiple texts/calls.

We all laughed it off as a joke, Joe's girlfriend even said “hahaha, I probably would have laughed if I got a text like that!” … but it most certainly was not a joke.

(My Mom is extremely outspoken and normally doesn’t hold back, especially when it counts. She’s the type of person you either love or hate, but she’s definitely one of a kind and the perfect example of a strong, independent woman who gives zero fucks lol)

Anyway, that visit went well. We behaved like usual, talked to both my uncle and his girlfriend normally, caught up on stuff, etc.

After that interaction, his girlfriend miraculously responded to every single call and text (bad reception, huh? Funny how she had zero service issues after we called her out in front of my uncle)

But basically every time we talked with her, she would say “it’s not a good time to come by, he’s really sick.”

And we would always respond with things like “we totally understand”, “thank you so much for letting us know”, “we wish there was something we could do to help”, “we’re here for you if you ever need anything or anyone to talk to since we know this also isn’t easy for you”, “we’ll check in next weekend”, “please take care of yourself”, “we’ll be thinking about you”, etc.

Then finally, my uncle Joe told us to stop up again two weeks ago. So we did.

He was extremely sick and remained in bed, but we said hello and he told us that we are more than welcome there and we could just visit with his girlfriend. So we did. The visit remained cordial and friendly.

The next day, my uncle called and apologized for not getting up when we were there.

We immediately told him that he has absolutely no reason to be sorry, that we completely and wholeheartedly understand, that we would understand even if he told us to leave the moment we arrived, and that we were keeping him in our thoughts.

The week after that, his girlfriend said he was too sick for company (which again, we obviously understood and thanked her for letting us know, wished them the best, etc).

We didn’t visit my uncle Joe after that. He passed away before we had another opportunity to see him.

Now, here’s where my anger starts to come into play :

His girlfriend didn’t let us know when he passed away.

We found out from my other uncle, Mike, two days later. (My Dad had 3 brothers. His eldest brother is my uncle Joe who just passed away. His youngest brother is my uncle Mike who let us know what happened.)

So my Mom called her and offered her condolences, asked how she was doing, told her that we’re here for her, and asked about the arrangements. My Mom also told her that Mike was the one who let us know about Joe.

She made the comment “there’s going to be a small ceremony, but only for immediate family.”

Which didn’t make sense to me or my Mom. We were both very close with my uncle Joe, we are family. So that comment seemed a bit… off?

But we dismissed it and instead talked to my uncle Mike.

We asked him to please keep us updated, since we wanted to pay our respects to my uncle Joe and our family.

Well… I don’t know what the Hell that lady said to my cousin (Joe’s son), but he told my uncle Mike not to tell us anything else.

That snake in the grass obviously ran back and told my cousin that we found out about Joe’s passing from Mike.

But uhh... We deserved to know.

Now, we literally just found out this morning that the ceremony was held yesterday. We weren't invited (the day/time wasn't publicly announced).

We were excluded. We were denied the opportunity to say our final goodbye.

I blame his girlfriend. Completely and entirely.

I especially find it super interesting that she didn’t attend the ceremony either… almost like she was afraid that we might possibly show up and confront her (which we would never do, purely out of respect for my uncle Joe)

When my uncle Mike told us, he apologized. But we told him that we don’t blame him, since we certainly didn’t want to put him in the middle of it.

It just pisses me the fuck off.

Bad enough she actively prevented us from seeing my uncle Joe, even on his “good” days. But then to keep us away from the ceremony too?

And she HAD to have fed my cousin a bunch of lies and bullshit to cause him to tell my uncle Mike not to inform us of anything. (Luckily for us, my uncle Mike loves to talk so he didn’t mind spilling the tea. He just felt guilty for not doing so sooner. But I understand why he waited, and I hold zero animosity towards him)

It’s especially confusing and upsetting since we always remained on good terms with all of my cousins.

We saw my cousins regularly, got along well with them, joked around with them.

Literally nothing that we did or didn’t do would warrant such a reaction from them.

If there was any fault on our end, I certainly wouldn’t be angry about this situation or waste my time typing this up. (I'm not the type of person who plays the victim, I admit when I'm wrong and own up to my faults/wrongdoings. That just isn't the case here.)

So it’s seriously a mystery to me… which is why I blame my uncle Joe’s girlfriend.

Absolutely nothing changed in the decades of knowing my uncle and his kids. Literally the only recent change was her coming into the picture.

(I also want blame my cousin, since he’s older than me and has a mind of his own… but I also know that he’s grieving the loss of his father, so I feel like that bitch took advantage of the situation to say whatever she wanted about us while my cousin is vulnerable and not thinking clearly/properly).

Regardless of the finer details…. I am absolutely livid.

It’s like a giant “fuck you” to us, like we aren’t good enough, like our feelings don’t matter.

And that pisses me off beyond belief.

I’m debating whether or not I should confront her.

On one hand, I probably should just let it go and move on.

But on the other hand… I want to play dumb, call her, and be like “How are you doing? Do you know when the ceremony is?“ just to see what she says.

And then tell her to go fuck herself.

Is that immature of me? Sure.

But I’m angry. Annoyed. Irritated. Fuming. My rage is boiling, my wrath is building. And I feel like exploding.

Needless to say… my Mom was right. That lady is a cunt. A toxic, festering, diabolical, oozing, gaping, pungent cunt.

If you’ve read up to this point, I genuinely apologize for dumping all of this off here.

I just needed to vent a bit.

I also owe everyone who has tagged me a HUGE thank you. You have all given me a much needed distraction from everything, plus I genuinely love being tagged.

So I will absolutely start posting/replying to those a little later (I've already started on them and have them saved in my drafts, I just want to finish them all and post everything at once lol)

#I might delete this later #I find comfort in the idea that Satan would be proud of my wrath/anger right now lol #all joking aside....#I have so much to say to her yet she's not worth the time or energy #I'm over the two-faced high school bullshit #maybe she likes drama but I don't #just another reason for me to hate people #it might be sad to say but....#... Tumblr is the only place where I can count on interacting with genuinely nice people #I just feel bad for being so damn dismissive/absent lately #I promise I'll make it up to you all #and thank you for being so patient with me 💙#nerdy talks #nerdy vents #nerdy rages #?#I am angry #personal #rest in peace uncle joe 💙

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lemongogo · 1 year

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#i love when characters challenge each other like this #bc they arent so vehemently opposed to one another to where its like .. just continous unending dissent without ever achieving a resolution #theyre both entrenched in their ways and have rzns for what they do #and both have good points . wolfwood ab how fighting back is all that people have to decide for themselves #and vash refusing to kill as a promise to rem and the life that sustained bc of her sacrifice and the importance of peace and love for #prosperity / human nature to Him #like they agree . ab the end result but they are both right in how they feel (maybe wolfwood a bit more as vash obvi benefits from being )#(a plant)#(and interpersonal conflicts being unavoidable on large scale yk. bad ppl do exist n violence can be necessary 4 change)#IDDDK ITS JUST GOOD I LUV ITT I love it . i love the back and forth and the way they push and prod at each other but work so well 2gether #nonetheless #vash #wolfwood #trigun #trigun maximum #trigun manga #trigun spoilers #IM ACTUALLY SO SURPRISED BTW??? IRT THEIR DYNAMIC?#like its actu refreshing . and funny . and goofy . and pathetic #bc i was so ready for wolfwood to be this borin broody angsty isolated character type #that is soo common in stories like this #but hes like . SILLY!!! they both are. the four of them are. millie meryl wolfwood and vash #idk i just like it a lott a lot a lot. idk much ab stampede but i got the impression that hes like . emo skype emoji but i hope they channel #1998 wolfwood at some point LMAOO #i love the spread where . u knwo the panel where hes like stop fuckinf crying🤬🤬🤬 @ vash HAJAHAHAHAHH #right after he was like ik we’ve talked ab this before (whatev whatev) and later brings it up again but apologizes in advance for what hes #gna say #and its just like. kind of sweet HELP KINDAA SRU . ..\STOP IT!!!! anywyas #ANYWAYS!!! i do rly enjoy their dynamic . and their ideals . and wolfwoods priest schtick . HAJAHA #we r back to essays in the tags era

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rotisseries · 8 months

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NARINES 4EVER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! what if there were two guys that not only hated each other viscerally on a personal level but also everything they individually stood for and they tried to kill each other and there's no universe where they both make it and they have a hundred differences and a thousand similarities and they both die for drako and this started as a joke but why does narines lowkey go hard

narines will be an absolutely banger #Problematique rarepair when you're famous

#hashtag Problematique because people who don't ship it will be unable to shut up about it being SOOO TOXICCC #just because rin attempted a bit of genocide 🙄🙄🙄#god forbid women do anything these days #people would be like “rin is literally SO toxic and the power dynamic is unhealthy and and and andand-”#like babe I promise you they would BOTH be absolutely horrible. nate would give as good as he gets. peace and love❤️#anyway no yeah I honestly love considering the wide variety in shipping culture the tbos fandom would have this would be so funny #like when I sent you that ask about “do you think drakonate+akila would be a popular ot3”#and you were just like “that would suck so fucking bad and nate would kill her”#which like. YES.#I only meant that I'm familiar with ot3 culture and the top one is always main mlm couple+ the woman at least one of them would date lmao #ANYWAY. idk where I'm going with this. yes conceptually narines kinda fucks lmao #I'd read fanfic for it I know this. I am willing to try out a lot of things when reading fanfic #and I'd see one person post about it and I'd be like???? and get curious #and then I'd stumble across a 30k one-shot that's brilliantly written and perfectly handles The Themes and The Tragedy #and it would probably be my guilty pleasure forever and ever. whoops #ask #tbos-main #hi hella!🔪

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shaykai · 28 days

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your fave Hexxat anon here. When you get to the end of her ToB quest, you might have to reload several times to get the right outcome. That final dialogue is a tricky sonova. I had to look up the right answers myself, and I'm a crusty old bastard whose been with BG since the first game came out.

YEAH I HAD TO RELOAD ONCE (and then the second time I feel like I wasn’t nearly as supportive as I wanted to be but I wasn’t about to let that happen again lololol)

Did beat the game the other day, though! Hexxat had a lovely ending <3

And also Sarevok was mad and my one regret is not getting to murder him yet again

#Hexxat and Kaine living out a -relatively- peaceful life over in waterdeep my beloved #also hurt my bones a little when she makes you promise that you’ll kill her if she asks but like. I get it dhdjdjdj #and I’m not going to insist that she stay alive but tell her no- that’s just cruel sjsjsjs #also love how supportive she was at the end #where she’s like yeah no I’ve spent the last 2 centuries trying to get the right to choose something for myself #I won’t stop you- whatever decision you make is yours #and then immediately being like I’m so happy you chose to stay here I love you <3 #(also again Sarevok yelling about it and being oh so disappointed is always a good time dndjsjsjjs)#ANYWAYS I’m having emotions about the game tm #anon #ask #bg2 spoilers

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depressedhatakekakashi · 1 year

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Me: *tries to talk about the ways the Shinobi system has changed and bettered*

Some random person: Urge but these things didn’t change and even though we know why they didn’t change (even though the reason’s are 100% bs i agree) it means NOTHING CHANGED EVEN THOUGH WE SEE CHANGES HAVE BEEN MADE WAYS THAT THEY COULD BE DONE WITHOUT CREATING PLOT HOLES AND TAKING AWAY THE NEW GEN STORY FROM KIDS

#yes kids are still child somdiers #in a time of peace when they shouldn’t have been fighting #and with new rules like no kill but capture the enemy instead (Which Kakashi put into place)#obv the elders weren’t held accountable which i agree is BS #Naruto promised Itachi he wouldn’t spill about the massacure #no one can hokd the elders accountable for their role in genocide if Naruto’s keeping that secret #and he’s not the only one #Sasuke should also be spilling about the massacure #he shouldn’t be keeping it a secret for whatever dumb ass reason #no one ‘forgot Hiashi was a slave owner’ they litterally talk about it in Boruto #he just wasn’t jailed or acctually held accountable like he should have been #because Kishi and the new writers love to let trash people off the hook for some reason #none of this takes away the changes that Kakashi COULD make #the fact he out treaties into place and built strong bonds with the other villages #and thrned Konoha into an exconomic giant #all in hopes of having a better future where there would be no more wars between villages #and where one day the Hokage would no longer be needed #which would signal an end to the shinobi era since the Hokage is a symbol of power for that specific era of time

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hirokiyuu · 1 year

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SolNem 42

42. Chasing butterflies

"Apparently some humans used to do this with like, nets or whatever, I've seen it in vids," comes Sol's voice, as Nem edges closer and closer to the edge of the Garrison. "I'd kinda like to try it that way, it seems like it'd be fun! Probably easier than this, y'know?"

Nem peeks around the corner and there they are: Sol and the alien motherfucker trying to steal her whole goddamn life, smiling at each other without a care in the world. Her girlfriend's hair's down and loose and tangled, and as she runs around chasing some dumb bugs, Symbiosis is sitting in the grass and watching with a smile warm on his face. "You're acquitting yourself quite well, though."

"Ehh," says Sol, sticking her tongue out, and Nem has only one single moment to feel a familiar flush of anger at their obvious familiarity with each other before she adds, "Nem would be way better."

The anger dies in her chest. Sol continues on, oblivious: "She's always been way better than me at anything athletic or whatever, y'know? Like when we were kids, she'd always kick my ass at sportsball pretty much every time we played."

That makes the alien smile a little, eyes staring into some middle distance, like he's imagining it--like he's thinking about human children, the most vulnerable kind of humans in the world, and somehow that brings a smile to his face--but the smile fades soon enough into something a stupider person would call pensive. "I do hope..." he says, slowly, "...that my presence in your life hasn't...."

"Aw, bud," says Sol, before giving up on her latest bug and sitting down right beside him, close enough that if he wanted he could reach out and snap her fucking neck. "I know things with Nem aren't... I mean, they're not... they're not great, but...."

Sol has to visibly swallow at that, which makes Nem feel like shit even though none of this is her own damn fault. Just that stupid alien's. Still, any guilt dries up the moment Sol leans over to put her head on the alien's shoulder easily, like she's done it a thousand times. "You're one of my best friends too, y'know? I would've gone totally crazy when that stupid war started without you."

And that makes the stupid fucking alien look so fucking fond and warm and bright that Nem wants to march straight over, punch him in the face, and then drag Sol away by the wrist. That's her girlfriend, she thinks, her fucking girlfriend, not his, and he shouldn't be looking at her girlfriend like--

It takes her a second, to recognize the cadence of her thoughts, and as she does she feels sick. No. No. She's not going to be like that, not when she only just escaped it herself, and not towards the very person who saw herself standing in the jaws of some horrid beast and pulled her away before they could come down on her neck; she won't be that beast herself, she won't, she won't--

Her eyes meet the alien's, staring over in surprise. The blood drains from her face; with no care for whether anyone else saw her spying like a lunatic, she turns and bolts.

#sorry to take what was objectively a fluffy prompt and do This to it #but i think the way cycles of abuse and possessive thinking continue are interesting #and i think nem having internalized some of it from her time with olivace is like....... interesting concept #i dont think she would act on it! but i think the thoughts getting in her head is interesting #im also not sure i think this would be canon wwww its speculative #i just htink sol/nem where sol promises it'll be dif and like #then sol is bffs w/the alien who is part of the group that killed her brother #is like. fun. u kno #anyways it was a fun concept i think just post-peace is a reaaaaaaally bad time for nem lol #also if uve read my other stuff this is the same verse as the sol+sym on ao3 #i think sol being bffs with cal+dys+sym and then dating nem is really fun #ideological differences.......!!!#how do you writing #i was a teenage exocolonist #i was a teenage exocolonist spoilers #asks #anon #ask meme

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lordiavolo · 1 year

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to be like frank here, redemption is an ever going cycle. when youve been the problem, the toxic ex, the abuser, you have to know you will have to apologize for that for the rest of your life. you will always have to live with the guilt and conscience of knowing how you hurt that person, or mutliple people. and you have to constantly CHOOSE to not repeat that behavior, and its not easy.

when you meet a new friend the topic of who you used to be will come up eventually, and if you have changed youll be honest with who you were. you cant run from it. you cant try to round the corners and make it seem like the other persons fault, or like it wasnt as bad as it was. its really really scary. because everytime you open up about it, its not just the wound of guilt but its also the fear that theyre going to look inside and not like what theyll see.

but you have to keep moving on and you have to keep being honest. and you have to remember that everyone is applicaple for redemption, you just have to work for it and admitting you were wrong with no buts is the first step.

#anyways cna u tell im kinda going thru it LOL #ive always been a toxic person thats why ive sort of secluded myself from society i avoid human contact w non household members as much as #possible bcuz i feel honestly like im a ticking time bomb that just hurts everything i touch #i dont think its fair to have to have someone deal w my shit when its such an emotional turmoil so even though i want friends im making my #peace w the fact that i like honestl dont really deserve rhem? ik this seems MOPEY but its like this is my geniune non like baiting thoughts #i was an abuser in high school and in an abusive relationship where for the first half i was the perpetrator. i hit my ex and u know i dont #even have anything to add to it other than it was fucked up. i was selfish in bed and sex addicted and sometimes did anything for my fix.#i will and cannot lie about my past as being a shitty person. its scary to say and post but i have to be honest thats who i was that IS a #part of my history as much as i wish i could i cannot erase.#i dont rly even know what to add here honestly. just watching mias vid got me thinking u know #there is more to this story ofc the same ex i was abusive to was also abusive to me it was just split into segments. like i was the problem #for the first year and a half then it switched to them but its not rly rhe best place 2 share that story when im talking about my mistakes #im not trying to detract here i just want 2 get this shit off my chest again. ive talked about it before but not since remaking a few times #anyways i dont have any excuses well i mean i can pull a bunch out but im not going to cuz at the end of the day i shouldve known better #than to be a bitch when i knew i was being a bitch u know?#being the bad guy is a constant struggle where u will have to really really fucking fight yourself tooth and nail to change and i want to be #that person. i want to be someone who can be 100% honest about how shit i was to myself and others (which i do already do to my friends)#hopefully this makes sense idk anyways if ur struggling with being abusive or toxic im here for u. u can get through this and you can be a #good person it is within ur hands i promise u #ok love u goodnight #personal

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fightaers · 3 months

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the matter of fact is: sakura's always been an outsider. she'll always feel like an outsider. she's been an outsider since she was the child from a civilian family grouped with a batch of children from strong shinobi families. she's been an outsider since the moment s.asuke and n.aruto left her on her own, and she'd taken an apprenticeship under t.sunde in her effort to "keep up". ( matter of fact is: she thinks she never will. she will discover this later. ) she's an outsider even when other team from the konoha 11 would invite her into their group, and it'll be good for a while, and it'll be satisfying, but they will all have their own sensei and their original 3-man cell — she will not. she's an outsider even in the war, dismissed because she's simply not 'strong enough' to compete against s.asuke and n.aruto's rivalry even though she's quite literally in the team and have had similar pain to what n.aruto endured, but it confirms it, doesn't it: even in team seven, she can't quite fit in. she's always been an outsider, just as much as s.asuke and n.aruto is ( and k.akashi as well ), and her astute but-you-can't-really-see-until-you-notice-it loneliness will never not haunt me

#thinking abt s.akura discovering so much peace and easy love in her civilian family and humble background as a growing adult #where she doesn't need to be powerful to be loved.#h.styles' matilda is killing me fr #i can already tell the first gentle hand to touch her would break her right open [after her 348783 attempts at denying it]#her vision of love is so warped with abandonment and a lot of hurt and a LOT MORE absent #( from ssk and nrt and kkshi equally )#how can she genuinely believe consistency and tenderness is what she deserves when its not what she knows?#god shes in my mind rent free FOR REAL #GIRL PLS CHILL #I KNOW URE DESPERATELY LONELY AND THINK URE ALWAYS GONNA BE ALONE #BUT YOU'LL BE OKAY I PROMISE.#T.SUNADE AND S.HIZUNE AND I.NO LOVES YOU AND UR MOM AND DAD AND BROTHER LOVES YOU!!!!!#gen: out of character.

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malewifehenrycooldown · 1 year

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Sometimes I think about that moment in NMH2 when Travis’s talks about how ‘despite assassins being super fucked up, are still human beings that deserve respect’ and I just… kinda get emotional over that because even though he is a pathetic loser, he’s not wrong!! He’s absolutely correct!!

Assassins are more than just tools! They are more than just bloodthirsty killers! They had lives! Dreams! Personalities! Interests!! Family!! They had things that they cared about but had no choice but to abandon them, because the life of an assassin is cruel one with constant competition. The genuine horror of it is realising that at any moment, a ranking fight would be set and on that day of the fight you’d have to accept the fact that you might not walk out the door, it’s sad!! It’s horrifying! And with each little bit of info on the assassins you get you can’t help but feel bad for them. Sure they knew what they were signing up for but that doesn’t mean they can’t have a dignified/honourable death !!

#shallow rambles #nomoreposting #the UAA should be torn down because it profits off the misery and suffering of its main employees #<- I hope that in nmh4 if it ever happens that Travis makes true on that promise to tear down the UAA.#I want Travis to tell his brother that he’s more than tool!! that he’s a human being that deserves freedom and respect and human dignity!!!#<- I never not think how much Henry’s adopted family messed him up because they only viewed him as a weapon to sharpen and not a child to #raise with love and care and affection :(((((#<- JEANE SMACKDOWN DESERVED TO BE TOLD THAT SHE CAN RELY ON PEOPLE TO SUPPORT HER AFTER #HER TRAUMA!! SHE DID NOT HAVE DO DIE THE WAY SHE DID!! SHE COULD BE LIVING A PEACEFUL HAPPY AND HEALTHY LIFE!!#SAME WITH HENRY TOO!! he deserves to have some personal closure on why his adopted family did what they did to him!! and he has every right #to cut contact with them!!#HI SORRY TIME TO THINK ABOUT THE TOUCHDOWN SIBLINGS AND CRY #thoughts on queue #queue awaits you at the garden of madness #TRAVIS!!! Travis deserved to be with his siblings in a happy and healthier environment!! while I’m happy he carved out a new found family!#he also deserves closure too!! he deserves answers as to why he was split from his siblings!! he deserved the opportunity to mend #the relationships with his siblings that were purposefully broken and taken away from him!!!#I just want a NMH story where the three siblings rebuild their lives together and give each other emotional support!!!#THEY DESERVE SO MUCH BETTER OKAY!!! I mean the whole series is bc their dad was A SHITBAG and thought it was okay to separate them

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ollieofthebeholder · 9 months

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to find promise of peace (and the solace of rest): a TMA fanfic

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Chapter 37: December 1999

Gerard stumbles down an alley, derisive cries still ringing in his ears, and ducks behind a pile of boxes to catch his breath. He listens to the footsteps pounding away down the streets as the pack of—he can only assume—schoolboys that decided to try taunting him runs past, laughing and shouting. His understanding of the local language is still rough around the edges, but he catches the cry of “’Azharnahu!”—We showed him!

Showed him what, he has no idea, unless it’s that people around the world are stupid and not worth his time. It isn’t like Gerard goes around trying to make friends with people anyway. The sorts of people his mother usually consorts with aren’t the sorts he wants to spend much time with if he can help it, and most mundane people are just so…ignorant. It’s more annoying than it should be. About the only people he wants to spend time with are Martin and Melanie, and they’re back in London.

Gerard idly traces patterns in the drifts of sand, then hastily wipes them out with his hand when he realizes he’s been drawing the sigils his mother has been teaching him. No need to call that sort of thing down on his head, not when he’s got an afternoon free for the first time in forever. Despite the frustration of having been chased for blocks by a pack of kids mocking him for being different, it does at least mean that he’s been neatly separated from his mother, and she doesn’t know where he is. He’ll make his way back to where they’re staying eventually, but for now…

For now he’s free. For now he’s got time to spend on his own. For now he doesn’t have to think about Smirke’s Fourteen, or Leitner’s books, or any of that. For now he can just…be.

He reaches into his pocket and pulls out the little packet of Turkish cigarettes he got from one of the merchants his mother dealt with in Rome last month, who’d wanted to give him something but deemed him too old for a sweet, and the box of matches he swiped from the hotel bar. It’s taken him a bit, but he’s finally got the technique of lighting and smoking the cigarettes down; he can’t do it often, mostly because he’s still technically too young to be smoking and he knows it’s not going to be easy to get another pack once he finishes this one, but it helps with the stress. Or so he tells himself.

Once the cigarette is lit and he’s taken a couple drags on it, he gets to his feet and heads down the alley, curious as to what might be on the other side of it. He can hear a babble of voices, some regular chatter and some the louder cries of a hawker trying to draw attention to something, and he wonders if it might be a circus or a carnival. He’s never been to either, but he’s always wondered what they’re like. The idea of exploring one with Martin and Melanie sometime appeals to him in ways he’s not sure he can articulate.

Venice, he thinks to himself. The Carnevale in Venice. He doesn’t know exactly what it entails, per se, but it sounds good, and someday he’s going to take Martin and Melanie to it. Without his mother or Aunt Lily. Uncle Roger can come…maybe…but Gerard really wants it to be just the three of them.

He stops, momentarily surprised by the direction his thoughts have gone, and turns them over for a moment. He’s come to care about Martin and Melanie a lot in the last couple of years. They’re his friends, the only ones he’s got really, and he really likes spending time with them. They make the boring lessons more interesting and those rare free afternoons a lot more pleasant, and they’re both quick to come up with plans and include him in them whenever they get the chance.

But except for the idea of sneaking out of London for day trips on Martin’s birthday, Gerard hasn’t been the one to come up with any of their plans. He’s happy to be included, but it never occurs to him to include them in things his mother hasn’t already included Aunt Lily in. Mostly, he has to admit, because most of what he does isn’t something they should want to be involved in, and considering the risks—to Martin in particular, although Melanie is already proving adept at drawing aggravation from things—he shouldn’t let them. He’s never really considered plans farther ahead than an afternoon.

Yet here he is, thinking about something that’s going to require at least a year’s worth of planning and preparation. Or if they’re going to do it spontaneously, they’ll all have to be grown-up to do it—well, grown-up for real, since Gerard already thinks of himself as mature and world-weary, but legally he’s still only thirteen and a half and there aren’t many places that would consider that a man. Either way, for the first time, Gerard is thinking about the future, and a future that doesn’t involve monsters and things that go bump in the night, but does have Martin and Melanie in it.

He kind of likes that.

Smiling to himself, he takes another drag on his cigarette and looks to see where he’s ended up. The alley opens up onto a street boasting, not a circus or carnival, but an open-air market. There’s the smell of good food cooking and spices he can’t identify, bright colors everywhere, and the salesmen cry out for people to come try their wares, in three or four different languages that all blend together. It’s crowded, but not overly so.

Gerard ambles onto the street proper, looking around him. It seems like the kind of place where he might find an artifact of power, at least at first, but the more he looks, the more he revises. It’s not like Portobello Road or a swap meet or anything like that, it’s just…well, a market. It’s bright, and open, and honest about what it is. He’s more likely to find something tied to the Fourteen in a Tesco.

He stops to admire the wares displayed at one particular booth, brightly-colored quilts and hangings that catch his attention. The man in the booth eyes him suspiciously at first, but when Gerard asks him a question in halting, stumbling Arabic, he relaxes and engages with him readily enough. These aren’t Gerard’s thing at all, but they look like the sort of thing Martin, who’s keenly interested in textiles and the like, would be fascinated by, so he gets as much information as he can and stores it away to tell Martin about later.

“Do you make these yourself?” the man asks, or at least Gerard thinks that’s what he’s asking.

“My brother,” Gerard says. “He—” He flounders for a moment, trying to come up with an explanation with the extremely limited knowledge of the language he has, and eventually settles on, “He makes shirts with sticks.”

“Ah.” The man grins and says a word Gerard presumes translates to knitting. Pointing down the street and speaking in an English about as good as Gerard’s Arabic, he says, “Down that way, around next corner, you can find a maker of yarn.”

Gerard thanks the man profusely—he hopes—and heads off in that direction. Suddenly, a thought occurs to him, and he ducks into another alley to reach back into his pockets.

He comes up with a battered leather wallet that once belonged to his father and opens it surreptitiously, then riffles through its contents. Someone bought a book off him right after they arrived, and because it was his book that he’d bought (for a song, really, in a charity shop because he thought it might…but Martin, who’s picked up ancient Greek better than Gerard has, assured him it’s just a book of poetry), he got to keep all the money he made from the sale. It’s a decent amount, would be more if the book had been in better condition, but it should be enough.

They’re going to be back in England next week, his mother says, and they’ll be there for at least a month, which means they’ll be home over Christmas. Gerard suddenly decides that he’s going to buy presents for Martin and Melanie, proper presents they’ll actually enjoy. And he has a lead on what to get Martin, thanks to the man at the textiles booth.

He keeps an eye out as he walks, ambles really, but he doesn’t see anything that screams Melanie before he gets to the corner. (Well, he does, but even he’s not stupid enough to buy her a bladed weapon. Yet. Maybe in a couple of years, when she’s proved she won’t fillet someone at school if they look at Martin crossways.) When he goes around the corner, it doesn’t take him long to find the booth the man told him about. Brightly colored skeins of yarn hang in long, loose loops from the sides and drape across the counters, and behind it sits a woman humming as she teases long strands out of a curious wooden device. At least, it’s curious to Gerard. He’s sure if he knew anything about this sort of thing, it would be commonplace.

But no less magical, he thinks. Watching her work, he feels the same sort of wonder as when he watches Martin’s plump, patient fingers twisting and wrapping in and out of sticks and wool until he has a dishcloth or a scarf—the awe of creation, the surprise of taking something so unexpected and turning it into something else. The act of making something that didn’t exist before from something as innocuous as a ball of wool or a pile of fibers. Magic.

The elderly woman speaks less English than the man who directed Gerard here, but her Arabic is somehow easier to understand and she’s patient enough with Gerard’s fumbling attempts. He’s surprised—although he’s not sure why—to learn that all of the yarn she offers for sale isn’t spun from sheep’s wool at all, but some kind of plant; he assumes it’s cotton, but the stuff she’s working from doesn’t look like cotton. Either way, he’s impressed. He’s not sure if Martin will be able to work with it, but it can’t be that different, can it?

The skeins of yarn are in all colors of the rainbow, bright and vibrant, solids and ombres and rainbows, but one in particular catches Gerard’s eye. It goes from blue to green to a kind of muddy greenish-brown, like the woman was trying for a yellow and it didn’t work quite right. It’s also kind of shoved in the back of the counter. He points at it and asks, “How much?”

The woman’s eyebrows shoot up, and she shakes her head, then indicates another skein closer to the front of the booth, one that proves Gerard’s initial thought—that she was trying for a blue-green-yellow shift and the colors bled together improperly. “No, no, this will look much better. This is the one you want.”

“No, no, the—” Every color word Gerard has ever learned, which isn’t many, goes out of his head. Finally, he touches the blue on the skein closest to him as lightly as possible, so as not to damage it. “This is my sister’s eye.” He touches the green and adds, “This is my brother’s eye.”

Meeting the woman’s gaze as understanding begins to dawn, he taps just below his own eye, then points at the skein in the back and asks again, “How much?”

She smiles, and sells it to him for well below what he’s pretty sure it’s worth.

Buying a present for Melanie continues to be trickier. It’s not that he doesn’t know her as well as he knows Martin at this point, it’s just that her interests, at least at the moment, are not ones that can be easily catered to by a street market in old Cairo. He’s determined to buy it here, though. It just seems…important somehow. The things being sold in these booths are things that exist because someone wants them to exist, not because someone wants to sell them or to push an agenda or anything like that. He wants Martin and Melanie to be able to hold their gifts and feel the love and care that was taken in their creation, because Martin and Melanie deserve to know that’s how he feels about them. Uncle Roger is kind, but vague, and however much he loves Aunt Lily he’s still not completely over losing Melanie’s mother—and Gerard’s seen enough pictures to know that Melanie, except for her eyes, is her mother in miniature. Uncle Roger’s even called her “Amy” once or twice. They both deserve to know that someone cares about them just because they’re them, not because of what they can do or who they remind someone of.

He loves them, and he wants them to have something that lets them feel the love, too.

It’s halfway down the street that he finds it—a stall with a collection of bags of all shapes and sizes. Melanie isn’t one for purses, and she’s not thrilled with backpacks, but she needs something to carry her books to school in and tote her treasures around, maybe to pack as a weekend bag if she goes up to visit those few of her relatives she still wants anything to do with. Gerard peruses the selection carefully until he finds the perfect bag—big enough to carry what she needs but not so big it’ll overwhelm, sturdy enough to last but pretty enough to be enjoyable. And unlike the others, the embroidery on it doesn’t make him think of the Spiral.

Negotiating—haggling really—for the bag takes a while, especially as the man doesn’t seem to understand English and pretends not to understand Gerard’s Arabic either. Eventually, though, he comes away triumphant, his wallet significantly lighter but the bag tucked into the basket with Martin’s yarn. He’ll have to find boxes to put them in, some pretty paper to cover the boxes with, but he’s done it, he’s actually bought presents, and they’re perfect. Or at least as perfect as he can do, since Gerard is about as far from perfect as it’s possible to get.

Still. He’s actually excited. For the first time in his life, he looks forward to Christmas, because he’s looking forward to seeing the looks on Martin and Melanie’s faces when they see their gifts, see that even when he was halfway around the world, he was thinking about them.

He slips down a side alley to leave the market, lights up another cigarette, and begins making his way back towards the hostel.

#ollie writes fanfic #to find promise of peace (and the solace of rest)#tma fanfic #gerard keay #smoking cw #it's a chapter where nothing bad happens and everything is fluffy #it's a miracle

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