#whew there were a lot of people in this chapter

[casualhedonists]

✩ it don’t need your loving, it just needs attention ✩ (chapter six)

pairing: Coriolanus Snow x Reader

warnings: NSFW (18+), snow being snow, themes of sex work (not the reader), cuckolding, eventual smut, fake relationship, unprotected sex, themes of voyeurism & mild exhibitionism, murder/violence mention (but no actual murder), MAJOR manipulation/gross power dynamics + generally darkish themes, roughhousing, overstimulation, mild bondage, insane amounts of teasing, some mild dubcon scenes/allusions to dubcon, some power play, lots of switching between dom/sub dynamics, hair pulling, oral sex, thigh riding, face sitting, degradation, dirty talk, edging/orgasm denial, eventual piv (pls tell me if i forgot anything!)

chapter: 6/6

SERIES MASTERLIST

words: .......13.5k

a/n: WHEW what a wait. thank you, as always, for your patience this past month or so! as i’ve mentioned i’ve been busy as hell, but it is with many internal screams that i can say! welcome to the final chapter of this series!! what a ride we've all had these last few months! buckle up for like. essay length extensive smut and also plot. in varying order. as always, feedback makes my world spin round at rocket speed, and just. thank you guys for all the love ever since i posted chapter one last november (november me with a brand new sideblog had no clue this would become a Thing i finished let alone a Thing people liked!! that's all on you lovely humans. ily)

i do not give permission for my work to be reposted/translated anywhere, under any circumstances.

Heaven was his head between your thighs.

His hands on you, everywhere. Hot mouth pressed to your skin, your neck, your thighs, your cunt. He was slow. Thorough. Pulling cries out of your mouth that got louder and louder until your back arched on the bed and you lay slumped and panting, twisted in his sheets. Taken apart and stitched right back together.

It hadn’t started like this. Not even close.

You woke to a soft light on your face, the curtains parted slightly. Your throat felt sore, and you were tired. Body heavy, slumped across a bed. His. It came back to you in fragments. The party. The photograph. His hand in your hair. His eyes after, apologetic and pleading. Falling asleep right here, next to him, but there was nobody beside you anymore. Your eyes adjusted to the room; you’d never seen it at this time of day, with sunbeams lighting up the walls. You could hear a soft tapping sound, like rain on the windowsill, but it was a bright and sunny spring day out.

Typing. That’s what it was.

Steady, satisfying clicks as the typewriter punched ink onto paper. You turned your head towards the desk across the room.

Coriolanus was sat there, focused, a breakfast tray pushed to one side. He didn’t notice you for a while, and you rolled over to take him in, a slight squint in his eye as he concentrated. You pulled your tired body up and leaned against the pillows, and he turned.

“Morning.” He said in surprise.

“Hi.”

This was strange. Like a warped sense of a morning after.

“Coffee?” He offered. “It’s still hot, I think.”

“Please.”

As he stood to pour from the French press, you took a look around you, eyes landing on the nightstand. A glass of water stood tall next to the silver chain he’d given you last night.

So innocent. If someone took a peek through a crack in the wall, they’d think you were a perfectly normal couple. Domestic bliss.

Not so much, you thought, as he walked over and handed you a cup.

He didn’t linger, but sat down at the foot of the bed, and that only made things stranger. He’d never been one to shy away from physical proximity, but here you both were, sipping just-hot coffee as he eyed you carefully. Like you were an animal in an enclosure, and he hadn’t quite figured out which approach to take with you yet.

“Are you working on something?” You nodded toward the cluttered desk.

“Just the usual. Work.”

“Oh? Didn’t know you worked in here.”

“I don’t, usually. Never have, in fact.” He sounded sheepish. This was entirely new. “But I didn’t want you to wake up alone.”

Oh.

You said just that.

“Oh. Um, thank you.”

“I can go if you’d like. Leave you to rest.”

“No, that’s okay. Stay.”

His eyes softened a little, shoulders sinking down.

“How are you feeling?” He asked.

You considered. You hadn’t really thought much about it.

“Tired, I think. This is helping. Thank you.” You sipped at the cup of coffee, careful not to spill it on his sheets. An oddly comfortable silence hung in the air.

“I called Cordelia. She’s coming over this afternoon, we can figure it all out. Print a story you’re happy with.”

“Wait, what? We don’t have an appointment for three more weeks.”

He glanced awkwardly at the floor, and cleared his throat.

“I thought you’d want to make it as quick as possible. It will be, and it won’t shine badly on you. I’ll get Lucille to pack your things, and if you don’t want to go back to your parents, I’d be happy to put you up somewhere in the city for as long as you’d like. It’s the least I could do after everything that I-”

“Coriolanus, stop.” You shook your head, bewildered.

“Can I ask you a serious question?”

He paused.

“Of course.”

“How the hell are you meant to know what I want if you’ve never asked me?”

He frowned, eyes darting from the floor, to you, to the floor again.

“I… Well, I assumed that-”

“Don’t assume.” You interrupted. “God, when will you stop assuming you know what’s best for me? It’d be nice to feel like I have a say in this. Don’t you see that if we do this, we’ll just end up right back where we started? I don’t want that, do you?”

“Doll, I think this would be for the best.”

“Why, am I getting too difficult for you now? You got someone new lined up ready to take my place? Someone less complicated? More complacent?” You snapped.

“Of course not, it’s not that.”

“Then why? Why do you want me gone? Because it’s pretty damn clear that you do from where I’m sat.”

He sighed, turning to face you, but looking at your lap. You gripped the cup with a vice, like you were trying to snap off the handle. You placed it on the nightstand.

“I’ve just been wondering if this has become about something… else, to you. and I wanted to say that if that’s the case, this can’t continue. Because… well, I’ve grown fond of you, and it isn’t fair to keep you hoping.”

Your confusion softened your sharp edges.

“Hoping for what?”

For whatever reason, he didn’t meet your eye as he spoke.

“Hoping that… I can give you something I don’t think I’m capable of. Or at least, not anymore. It’s not fair on you. I can’t give you what you need.”

“And what exactly is it that I need?”

He shifted, looking awkwardly to the floor. At first, your frown only deepened, then it hit you. A knowing smile crept onto your face.

“Oh my god… you think I’ve fallen in love with you.”

His frown only widened your grin. you were pretty sure you must’ve looked insane. Despite yourself, you let out a laugh, and his frown only deepened.

“When you… you’ve been upset lately. The other week at the luncheon, and then last night, I thought it was-”

“That I was, what, in love with you?”

A cocky, shit eating grin now took over your face.

He started a sentence, but stopped himself. You could see it on his face; he was completely thrown.

“So you’re not.” He checked.

“Oh, don’t look so disappointed, Snow. ‘Course not. That’s never what this was about, I mean, we have rules for a reason. Sure, we’ve been breaking them like it’s our day job, but not the golden one. Never the most important.”

If you didn’t know any better, you’d say he looked a little sheepish.

“Don’t worry, gorgeous,” you repeated, “I’m not in love with you.”

He cleared his throat awkwardly. His shoulders sank down, like he was relieved.

“I see. That’s good, that’s… for the best.”

“So will you cancel Cordelia?”

“Okay. If that’s what you want., it’s done.”

You nodded.

“See, this is better. It’s a lot easier when you ask me things. And I’ll be the first to admit I haven’t exactly been the most talkative either.”

“It’s not exactly our strong suit.” He agreed.

“Yeah. You know, while we’re on the topic, there’s something else you can do for me.”

“Anything.”

“You can run me a bath. A hot one. With bubbles.” You added.

It was slight, but you saw it. He perked up.

“Okay, doll.”

The bath was hot, and it smelt like the softer parts of him, like fresh linen and the spice of his cologne. Again, he didn’t linger, just ran the bath, saw you into the room and let you be. It was frustrating – while it was nice to soak in the hot water and feel your muscles relax, you wished he would just talk to you, instead of acting like you were something to avoid, something to walk on eggshells around. This change in his demeanour wasn’t a completely unwelcome one – you didn’t mind feeling as though you had the upper hand, and held all the cards for once – but you didn’t like being treated like you were broken, either.

You sank your head underneath the bubbles and stayed down there for a few seconds, the rush of water clouding your eardrums. It was a peaceful kind of noise, and when you came back up for air, you found yourself breathing a little easier.

You pondered. Processed, considering the steps to take next, rolling your neck out and stretching your feet to the edge of the tub. Anytime you thought you’d reached any sort of plateau with Coriolanus, something new would pop up out of seemingly nowhere. You hadn’t minded the danger at first, it drew you in and kept you hungry for more, but you’d grown tired, weary from the whiplash knotting your neck.

When the water cooled, you looked around, but couldn’t see a towel. You cleared your throat.

“Snow?” You called out.

Soft footsteps. Then, his voice from behind the door.

“Everything okay?”

“I just need a towel. I can’t see one near me.”

“They’re in the linen closet in the corner.”

You eyed the floor between the tub and the closet.

“I’d have to get out and drip bathwater all across the floor. Can you just come in here and hand me one?”

Silence.

“Please?” You added.

More silence. Then he quietly cleared his throat.

“Yeah. Okay, fine. I’m coming in, I won’t look.”

You couldn’t help but laugh.

“Nothing you haven’t seen before.”

The door cracked open and he made a short beeline to the closet, unfolding a towel and holding it out. When he walked to the side of the tub, he looked off to the side like the colour of the walls was suddenly the most fascinating thing he’d ever seen.

You pulled yourself out of the water, shivering as the cold air hit you. Then you backed into the towel and took it from him, wrapping it around yourself, sinking into the soft cotton. He stood behind you, paused, seemingly suspended in place and unable to move. You heard him draw in a breath, inches from the back of your neck.

“I’m sorry.” He whispered. His breath caught on the droplets of water gathered on your skin, and it warmed you and gave you a chill at the same time.

“I know you are.”

Then in a flash, you spun around, lips on his, hungry. He kissed you back like he had something to prove, and hell, maybe he did. His hands tangled in your wet hair and yours made for his shirt. The towel slipped to the floor and fell in a pile at your feet. One button came open, you broke the second, which flew into the air and landed on the floor with a tap. He pulled you in closer, hands all over you, and you worked frantically at the third, not caring if it broke, not caring about anything.

“Doll.”

You looked up at him, at his blown-out eyes.

“Want you to fuck me.” You breathed.

“I can’t.”

You jolted to a stop, catching your breath. He took a step back.

“What?”

He pulled in slow breaths, like he was trying to cool himself off. His eyes pressed shut.

“Not like this. Not until I know you trust me again. I don’t… I can’t hurt you again. I won’t do that. I need you to forgive me first. Completely.”

You exhaled slowly, then cleared your throat, lowering to the ground to pick the damp towel off the tiles. When you came back up, half-covered, he was staring at a spot on the wall again, breath laboured.

You tied the towel around you, and looked right at him as he looked away, eyes averted.

“You sure about that, Snow?” you drawled. “You sure as hell don’t look it.”

He swallowed thickly.

“I’ll let you get dressed. I’ll just be in the bedroom.”

You brought your hand to your lips, brushing over where he’d just kissed them once he’d turned and left the room, closing the door behind him. You eyed your pile of clothes with disdain.

He was back at his desk when you walked out, wrapped in a shirt he’d offered you, hair towel in hand. He didn’t look as focused on his work this time.

“I cancelled Cordelia. So don’t worry about that.”

“Thank you.” You made for the bed, and climbed back onto it. “Rather just talk to you anyway.”

His jaw tensed. It seemed he was still doing everything in his power not to look at you.

“You know, there’s this thing called eye contact. Remember that thing Cordelia waffles on about? It’s important when you’re having a conversation with somebody. I’m a big fan, myself.”

His eyes shot daggers at you. But at least he was looking.

“And what did you want to talk about, exactly?”

You shrugged, and he glanced back at the desk, and pretended to study one of the papers there.

“I don’t know. All of this, I guess.”

Much to your annoyance, he didn’t answer. Your eyes swept the room again, and you brought the towel to your hair. The sun was high enough now to light up the silver chain on the nightstand, and you took it in your palm, turning it over.

“Did you mean it when you said I could have this?” You wondered aloud.

He looked at you again.

“Wasn’t sure if you remembered that.”

“Well, I do.”

“Then I meant it.” His words shouldn’t have made you smile, but they did.

“Will you put this on me?” You asked.

“Uh. Sure.”

The chair creaked as he pushed it back from underneath him, and he walked over to you cautiously, perching on the bed, taking the dog tag, then ever so gently brushing your hair to one side.

“Can I just ask-”

“Anything.” He said quickly.

The cool metal slid onto your chest as he secured the chain, falling low.

“When you were out there, did you…” you swallowed.

Say it.

“…hurt people?” You praised your voice for not shaking. The silence in the room was deafening. But he finally answered.

“I did what was necessary.”

“It must’ve been awful.”

“Yeah.” He said quietly. “It was.”

“Do you think about it much?”

“More than I care to admit. But it was a long time ago.”

You turned to face him.

“Doesn’t make it less real. I’m sorry. I can’t even imagine how hard it must’ve been.”

“It’s okay, sweetheart. What matters is that I’m here now.”

You smiled.

“You didn’t get too bad of a deal of it either, President Snow.”

He put your hair back into place, fingertips trailing your shoulder.

“I certainly didn’t.”

You thumbed the cold steel, an odd feeling of satisfaction washing over you.

“Was it worth it?” Your voice sounded quiet, even to you. You were fully aware of the weight of the question, heavier still from the complete understanding that you barely knew what you were asking.

“Yes.”

It should’ve scared you, the surety in his voice. But it didn’t.

Warm breath caressed your shoulder blade, and it really shouldn’t comfort you, but it did. You cleared your throat.

“Thank you. For putting it on. I always get these things tangled.”

“My pleasure. I meant what I said though, sweetheart. No wearing it where anyone’ll see, okay? I need you to promise me.”

You turned your head, shifted so you faced him. You suddenly realised just how close your faces were, and your voice dropped low.

“I promise. It’s nothing new. We’re no strangers to secrets, you and I.”

Your noses were almost touching, and he was looking down at your lips. You drew in a breath, and inched in impossibly closer. You felt his breath on your lips, hot and shallow. Your nose bumped his.

And then his lips were on yours again. But just as quickly, he pulled away.

“Don’t.” You pleaded.

“I’m sorry, sweetheart. I can’t. Not until I’ve fixed this. Please, just… tell me what you need me to do. I’ll do whatever you want.”

You sighed, pulling away.

“This is what I want, Snow. But…”

“Yeah?”

“I just… never knew it would get so complicated. I think for now, maybe I need a little time.”

“Okay. We can do that.”

“I might go home over this weekend. Spend some time with my parents. No tricks, okay? No messengers, no word from you, the entire time. I’ll come back here on Monday morning, and I’ll tell you what I’ve decided then.”

He nodded.

“That’s fine.” He cleared his throat again. “So you’ll leave tomorrow morning?”

“If that’s okay.”

He seemed as satisfied as one would expect with that solution.

“Yes. Of course, anything you want.”

“Thank you, Coriolanus.”

If you didn’t know better, you’d say he looked a little disappointed by the formality.

“And Snow?”

“What is it, sweetheart?”

“Before I go, will you lie next to me for a little while?"

It was oddly intimate, the way the day stretched on. He lay next to you for a while, and you sank into the sheets and eventually dozed off. When you woke, he was still there, quietly tapping at the typewriter and poring over paperwork. You spent the rest of the day in his room, in bed mostly, with food being brought up to you which you shared in mutual silence or casual conversation. Lucille packed your bags, and you spent the night in his bed, a little distance between you. But when you woke up, you had to slowly pull away your woven limbs.

Leaving was a quiet affair. Snow gave you a chaste kiss goodbye, and Henry snuck you and your bags through the back exit and kept to backroads, so nobody would know who you were or where you were going. Your parents didn’t know why you were visiting either; they didn’t need to. As far as anyone was concerned, you were taking a short weekend trip to check in with your family.

The two days passed quickly. You spent the time reflecting, debating what your next move would be, and listening to your parents argue. You found yourself glancing at the clock by Saturday afternoon, and by Sunday night you were practically crawling out your skin ready to leave. You considered what he’d offered you; an apartment on your own, somewhere in the city. But the thing is, you’d grown used to his moods, to just having him around, if only to dig your fingers into and pry open, searching for secrets. Life would feel awfully dull without it. You’d never met someone who was a match for you, who challenged you. You wondered if he felt the same.

Monday morning rolled around and you let out a heavy sigh of relief as you climbed into the car. Henry glanced back at you, but didn’t comment.

The second the manor came into sight, your head clouded with doubt. Would he want you to stick around? You’d spent the last couple of days toying with all outcomes like some omniscient god, but until now you hadn’t considered the fact that Snow might’ve done some thinking through of his own.

But as you pulled up at the side door, there he was. Standing perfectly poised, waiting for you, and all your worries washed away as he looked at you. Henry opened the door, and Coriolanus offered his hand as you stepped out the car. He looked at you with the same intensity as he had that very first night in his room, when you’d finally dropped the charade, and you returned the stare. Even just feeling his hand on yours set your skin on fire.

When you finally got inside and it was just the two of you, he stopped you.

He looked regal before, proud and superior. Now, you could tell it was a façade, laced with a nervous discomfort.

“Well?” He prompted.

You looked at him. Took in the way his eyes couldn’t stay in one place for too long, the tightness in his jaw that only appeared when he was under pressure, and the slight urgency seeping through his otherwise controlled question, and realised then that you hadn’t been the only one going a little insane these past few days.

And now, you had the upper hand again.

“Upstairs,” you answered. “Your room.”

When the door closed behind you and he paced towards the desk, you almost smiled at the parallel. It felt like an age ago that you’d strutted in here, dressed in his suit jacket with something to prove. You knew the cards you were about to play now like you had then, but your thoughts still raced.

Snow cleared his throat.

“So? Have you made up your mind?”

You waited for him to turn and face you.

“I have.”

“And?” So quick to reply. You’d never heard him so on edge.

You wet your lips, taking a step towards him. You’d be lying if you said you weren’t enjoying stretching this out a little, watching him squirm.

“I’ve decided that… I’m staying.” You said finally.

He let out an audible breath, almost like he didn’t care about you hearing his reaction anymore. Like he’d been strung out the entire weekend, just like you. Like he’d imagined this conversation in a million different ways. He stepped towards you. This was an old dance; one you knew well. You closed the gap between you, and his hand grazed your jaw.

“I’m glad to hear it.” He said. You held his gaze, he brushed your lip with the pad of his thumb.

“Can I…” His voice dropped.

“Not just yet.”

You relished the little frown that knitted his brows.

“I know you, Snow.” You continued. “You’re good at what you do. You’re better at this than anyone out there. You’re dedicated, and I think that… something tells me you’re going to be President for an awfully long time. I want to be by your side when that happens. I’m not going away when this arrangement suits me too. But I have terms.”

He watched you as if he was mesmerised, and you wondered if he even noticed the way you slowly walked him towards the bed. You hid your smile as the spell broke, and the back of his legs bumped the ottoman. He gazed down at your lips, just a little thrown off kilter.

“Tell me.”

You got closer, lifting your hands to the lapels of his shirt and giving them a tug, turning him so you were stood against the ottoman and he was facing you. He moved so easily, as if this was a dance, one you’d practiced a hundred times over.

“Let’s start with this. You said you’d do anything for my forgiveness, right?”

“I meant it.”

“Good.” You nodded, “Because there is something you can do for me.” Your hand traced his jaw, and he leaned into it.

“Name it.” He whispered, lips pressing against your palm. “It’s yours.”

You leaned towards him, faces close, noses touching, foreheads pressed together. You could feel the almost on your lips, could feel his breath. You relished in the feeling, that electric tension between the two of you. You held onto it, inhaled it like smoke, before cutting it loose.

“Kneel.” You breathed.

Feeling his brows twitch gave you a rush, and when you pulled back, he looked like art. You slowly moved down, sitting on the ottoman, holding his gaze. Then slowly, steadily, like he was walking a gossamer-thin tightrope, he shifted, nudging your legs open to stand between them, and lowered himself down to the floor, knees gently knocking against the hardwood one at a time. You give him a slow nod.

“Like that. Good. Stay there.”

Your legs parted a little further, and his eyes lined up with the way your dress lifted, bunching at your hips, exposing black lace with white trim, barely covering the space he seemed to lean towards.

He wet his lips, glancing up at you. Eyes bright but laden with want, so heavy he thought he might drown in it.

“Can I…” He whispered, and you felt it more than heard it, his hot breath tickling your thighs.

You smiled a little, and shook your head.

“Fuck. Please, doll.”

“Did I ask you to beg?”

“No. But… what can I do?”

You pulled your lip between your teeth as you considered.

“You can take these off. Slowly.”

You sighed when his palms brushed your hips, pushing your dress up then hooking soft fingers into the band of your underwear, slowly pulling them over your hips and down your thighs. He was gentle, pulling back but staying oh so close to you as he pulled the lace past your ankles, tossed it to the side, and moved in again expectantly.

“And now?”

You pushed your legs apart again, just enough. Drew in a breath.

“I want you to watch.”

A sound slipped from his mouth, and you weren’t sure if it was just a shaky breath or a quiet curse. His eyes darted between your face and the heat between your thighs. If you couldn’t already feel the mess you’d made, the way his lips parted and his eyes went heavy-lidded would give it away in an instant.

His gaze followed your hand, unwavering as you slowly brought it between your legs, and lazily trailed your fingers towards where you were aching to be touched. Then with a gasp, you brushed your finger against your clit and starting drawing slow circles, slipping further down to push against your opening, slipping through the mess you’d made just from seeing him knelt on the hardwood. 

You kept your head tilted back and your eyes closed, touching yourself with Snow knelt between your legs incredibly brazen, even for you. He was mere inches away, laboured breath dusting the skin of your inner thighs.

But as you melted into the feeling, sinking deeper than you could imagine in just a few short seconds, you opened them again. And there he was, darkened eyes fixed on where your fingers ran messy circles on your cunt, and you let out a soft whine. It was enough to make him redirect his stare to your face, and you couldn’t help but stare back, pressing harder against your clit with a broken sigh. You planted your feet on the floor as you shifted your hips a little, getting slightly closer, making it easier for you to carefully swirl a finger around your entrance, then gently push inside.

“Fuck.” He breathed, rocking forward slightly, to which you shook your head, knee pressing against his shoulder, pushing him back. His pleading eyes drove you on, pushed you to fuck yourself faster, obscene wet noises filling the quiet space.

He looked wrecked; lips parted, eyes begging, glancing up at you. And it only made you all the more shameless, bucking your hips and crying out, gasps slipping from your mouth that you couldn’t deny were getting played up a little for effect. He stared on, looking so fucking small between your legs, so hard you could only imagine it hurt.

You weren’t sure if he noticed he was breathing in tandem with you, but as your breaths picked up, got a little strained, so did his. His eyes slitted, heavy with lust as he stared on.

You got a little cocky; let it go to your head. Nothing would ever beat the rush of adrenaline you felt from seeing the most powerful man you’d ever known giving into you, letting you set the rules. It was intoxicating.

“You okay down there, sweetheart?”

He sighed, slow and heavy.

“I…” He trailed off, and you couldn’t help but chuckle.

“Is there something you need?” Your voice was breathier than you would like, control slipping from your fingertips, but it was still there and the way he looked up at you. His mouth opened again, jaw agape, on his knees like it was a silent prayer. You fucked yourself faster, mean, dripping down your fingers. He finally spoke.

“Please.” He whispered.

“What did you say?”

“I said -” he swallowed “- I said please.”

“Please what?”

“Please let me touch you. Put my mouth on you, I won’t even use my hands. Just let me… baby. Come on.” His voice was raspy and ruined.

“Do you think you’ve learned your lesson yet? I’m not so sure.”

His breath was shallow, eyes wide and blown out.

“I’ll prove it to you. Just let me touch you, and I’ll do anything you want. Please, doll.”

You hummed, pretending to weigh it up in your head.

“Well, since you’re asking so nicely. Go ahead. But keep your hands to yourself.”

“Thank you. Fuck. Thank you, baby.”

He listened, inching in cautiously, like he was expecting you to change your mind, then he pressed his mouth to you and there it was.

Heaven.

“Oh fuck.” Your breath hitched in your throat.

You hummed as he dragged his tongue over your folds, setting your nerves alight, instinctively rocking into the pressure you’d been thinking about since you got him on the floor. His hands, you noted, sat dutifully on his thighs, gripping onto them like it took a physical reminder for him not to reach out and grab your hips, push his fingers into your soft skin and own you.

As welcome as that sounded to your foggy mind, this was about proving a point. You were the one calling the shots here. So you rocked gently against his face as he kissed your clit, lapping at the heat between your legs, only pulling away at intervals to catch his breath, the daylight making the mess on his chin glisten, only to dive back in again, movements slightly limited by the lack of his hands, which you could see was bothering him.

You couldn’t help but tease him a little between gasps.

“I have to say I missed this. Seeing you underneath me.”

He looked up at you. But there was little defiance in his eyes, just want. Want so depraved that it sent a flush through you, making you feel a little unmoored.

“If I didn’t know better, Coryo, I’d say you were enjoying this.”

Face buried between your thighs, a broken whine sent a little shock through your core. You moaned, getting a little strung-out, a little breathy.

“Is that a yes?”

You felt him nod.

“Good. Glad to see you’re putting up less of a fight this time. It wasn’t so hard, now, was it? Giving in?”

This time, his eyes contained a little more fire. He pushed his tongue firmer against your clit, cutting off your question with a gasp. A few moments passed, and you heard him hum.

“Is there something you want to say, baby? Go ahead.”

He pulled back, catching his breath again.

“Still don’t want me to use my hands?”

You shook your head.

“Then can you… if it’ll feel better.” He glanced at your hand, resting lazily on your thigh.

“What?” You knew what he was getting at, but he shot you back a look as if to say, don’t make me say it.

“Don’t be embarrassed.”

“I’m not.” He narrowed his eyes.

“Then say it.”

“Put your hand in my hair. You can… be rough, if you want to. I don’t mind.”

Your smile turned into a sly grin.

“You want me to pull your hair? You sure?”

“I’m sure. I don’t… I liked it, last time.” He confessed quietly.

“Liked what?” You pushed.

He took a steady breath, looking down at the velvet seat you were perched on. He gritted out the words steadily, pointedly.

“When you sat on my face. I liked it.”

You pressed your lips together to hide your smile.

“I know you did.”

He paused, looking down at the floor. Then he looked back up. You brought your hand to his hair, fingers running through the soft strands. He started peppering kisses along the insides of your thighs, something he’d been too desperate to consider when you’d first given him permission to taste you. Now, they sparked the fire even more, and as much as you liked the careful attention, you guided his head to where you needed it. Keeping his words in mind, you gave a slightly rough tug on his hair, and he responded with a pained hum that edged you closer.

At one point, you saw his hand shift to try towards his pants, but you yanked his hair in response.

“No touching yourself yet. Or I’ll only let you watch, okay?”

You built up a rhythm, growing careless with the tugs on his hair so that you felt pressure in all the right places. Your fingers pulled harder as you got close, and you could hear his shallow breath as you took what you wanted from him.

“Fuck. Coryo, I’m gonna cum if you keep doing that. You wanna make me cum?”

He nodded as best as he could with your hand gripping tight in his hair, and the motion only brought you closer, legs growing weak and tired, hooking over his shoulders now that you’d let him closer. You felt the ache build, almost painful with how long it had been, and you felt yourself snap, spinning out of control as your hand tensed, then fell from his hair. Then his hands were on you, gently this time, smoothing over your bucking hips with a level of control that you melted into as the feeling washed over you. He didn’t stop, pressing his tongue against you harder as you fell apart, shaking like a leaf as he worked your cunt until your cries bordered on screams.

“Fuck. Oh my god, that’s it, I’m…” You broke off into a shout, something so outlandish it sounded foreign to your own ringing ears, but you were too far gone to care. You could vaguely feel yourself grabbing at him as he pulled away, at his hair, his hands, anything, as you slumped back onto the bed. Slowly, he propped himself up, placing a knee between your legs and leaning over you. And his eyes, heavy and wanting, had you aching all over again.

He held back a little, clearly still in the space you’d pushed him into.

“Can I…” He whispered, those desperate eyes fixed on your parted lips as you caught your breath.

“Yeah.” You gasped, and he lowered his head towards you.

This time, he kissed you softer. Still hungry, still wanting, but slow, methodical, like he wanted to relish it. Almost like he wasn’t trying to own you, but in that moment, you could almost go so far as to believe the contrary. And your head swam with pride, feeling his lips on yours as he gently pressed you into the soft mattress.

But you didn’t sit in the feeling for too long.

“Was that okay?” He gasped.

“Yeah. More than okay. But you used your hands at the end there, baby. You know what that means?”

His eyes narrowed as his head cleared a little.

“Lie on your back for me.”

He obliged, dropping onto the mattress and shuffling up to lean against the pillows.

“I missed you, you know.” You murmured as you followed suit, hovering over him to get another kiss.

“I missed you too, sweetheart. Thought I was gonna go out of my fucking mind with how much.”

“Yeah?” You smiled.

“Yeah.”

“Didn’t think you’d get rid of me that easily, did you?”

“I hoped not. Glad I was right.”

You smiled again, and shifted closer towards him.

“I could always show you how much I missed you, if you wanted.” Your eyes darted down to the front of his pants, the outline of his hard cock pressing against the material. He went a little quiet again, nodding a little, and you grinned. Climbed onto your knees so you were just a little above him, then swung a leg over one of his to sit carefully on his thigh. You paused for a beat.

“I won’t touch you until you tell me to, baby.”

He sucked in a breath.

“You can touch me.”

You tutted.

“What do we say?”

“Please.” He added quickly.

Without a word, you leaned in, brushing a hand over his cock, starting gentle, but quickly adding pressure. You could tell he was holding back, jaw clenched and eyes fluttering as he tried to control his breath.

“Not getting shy on me again, are you?”

He didn’t answer, just met your eye and you took it as a challenge. Unbuttoned his slacks and with a glance and a nod, slid them down his legs. You licked your palm slow, making sure he was watching closely.

“Fuck.” He breathed.

“Well, if you’re not gonna talk to me properly, I’m just gonna have to work harder then, aren’t I?” You drawled as you slipped your hand underneath his boxers. There was a soft thump as his head dropped back onto the headboard and he cursed as your fingers grabbed the base of his cock.

“Like that?” Your mouth pulled into a sly smile.

He hummed, breaking off into a sigh, lips parted and eyes towards the ceiling as you fisted his cock. I’ll take that as a yes.

You swirled your thumb around the head of his cock, gathering messy precum that had gathered at the tip from your teasing, and it hit you then that most of your interactions until now had been psychological, toying with words, with ideas and almosts. You knew by now what made him tick, which words you could use to push him to the edge, but you’d barely had the chance to touch each other. But you were a fast learner, and you knew what you wanted from this.

You wanted to make him fall apart.

So you picked up the pace, and it must’ve ached with how fast you were fucking his cock with your fist, but his determination not to lose his cool made it all the more exciting. It got wet, and that was one thing his composure couldn’t hide. It egged you on, shifting your own hips on his tensing thigh as your sore cunt pressed against the muscle.

“You can hold back all you like, but I can tell you’re fucking close.”

His eyes fell shut in a lust-clouded haze, breath picking up. His cock twitched in your hand and you grinned. You were tempted to take it down your throat, really see how he held up then, but you didn’t want to give him the satisfaction just yet, and you were on a high learning just how to make his body respond to your touch, how to make him weak. So you worked your wrist and felt his legs jolt a little, and you knew it was a matter of seconds.

“If you want to cum, you’ll have to ask nicely. I don’t know how generous I’m feeling just yet. Convince me.”

“Jesus.” He gasped.

“No, just me. Go on, baby. Beg me. You wanted to earlier, right? Now’s your chance.”

An honest-to-god whine left his mouth, voice cracked and completely fucking ruined. You slowed your motions.

“No, baby, don’t stop. I’m so fucking close, please.”

“Please what?”

“Please let me cum. I fucking need it, I did everything you said, I got on my knees, I fucking… fuck, I did what you told me, didn’t I? Everything you asked? And I didn’t touch myself, I haven’t… fuck. All weekend, I haven’t-”

You pressed your lips together.

“Poor thing. You’ve gone this whole weekend without cumming?”

“I was a little fucking preoccupied.” He gritted out.

“Over little old me? You shouldn’t have.”

“Please,” he repeated, “I need to cum. I did what you wanted, doll, I- shit-”

Satisfied, you picked the pace up again, obscene wet sounds filling the room as his hips rocked a little into your hand as he got close again. Too far gone now to hold back, his face contorted in pleasure, eyes fixed on you. Then, in a seemingly small motion as you leaned into him a little, the dog tag that had been sitting tucked under your dress - and had stayed hidden against your skin all weekend - slipped out, the pendant swinging into the air beneath you, and as Coriolanus caught sight of it, you felt his hips tense, then his cock was twitching and spilling into your hand.

“Shit, that’s so… oh my fucking god, doll.”

You pulled your hand from his boxers and brought it to your mouth, cleaning it off a little.

“You really did need that, huh?” You smirked, and he sighed.

“Yeah. I really fucking did.”

You nodded at his boxers.

“Can I take these off now?”

He pressed his head into the headboard again and nodded, so you carefully pulled them down his legs. Panting and overheated, he unbuttoned his shirt as you threw the fabric to the floor.  What he didn’t expect you to do, though, was put your hand back on his still-twitching cock that sat tired and used against his stomach. He flinched a little as you palmed it, and you looked at him mischievously. Started to move your hand again, slow and steady, but firm.

“That’s… baby. Stop, I already came, I… fuck.” He winced, sucking in a sharp breath. “What the fuck are you doing?”

You chuckled, voice turning a little dangerous.

“Oh, you thought we were done?”

“Doll, that’s not – shit – that’s not fucking funny. It’s sensitive, I…” It turned into an uncomfortable hum, but you felt him twitch under your palm, slowly getting hard again. His leg gave a little involuntary kick, much to your satisfaction.

“I… what the fuck.” His voice went quiet and strained, and yours got menacing.

“Oh, you can take it, can’t you? Thought you said you liked me taking the lead a little. You can handle it, can’t you, Snow? Or do you want me to stop?”

“Mm. That’s… was different. Please.” You kept going, a rush washing over you as you wondered if he even knew what he was begging for. You got more daring, rubbing your palm over the tip, and grinned when he cried out.

“You want me to stop? Just say the word. I will.”

He was half-hard again, more cum leaking from his tip as you sped up just a little.

Eyes squeezed shut, he shook his head frantically as the rest of him trembled.

“Didn’t think so.”

His face was twisted like he was holding on desperately, trying to maintain control as you relished in his permission, and palmed him harder.

“Jesus fuck.” He said, voice getting louder now, legs twitching and hips bucking up in little jolts you were certain he couldn’t stop if he tried. You had him now, pliable like clay between your fingertips, shaking apart.

“Is that too much for you?” You taunted, getting cocky now.

“Who the fuck do you think you are?” He snapped, but it fell flat when his voice broke halfway through the question. You laughed.

“I know exactly who I am, Snow. I’m the girl you’re gonna be stuck with for a long time, and I’ve got some demands to make. So listen closely, because I’m only going to say this once. You know what happened last week?” You were aware you were starting to sound almost as insane as him, but you didn’t care.

“You don’t ever,” you spat, “do that to me again. If you do, I swear on all of Panem, I will fucking kill you. Do you understand me?”

He whined, desperate, so far gone you weren’t sure he was fully listening.

“Say you fucking understand.”

“I… I understand. Fuck. Please. I’m so sorry, baby, I’m so fucking sorry-”

“You’re lucky I’m giving you another chance. From here on out, you only get to treat me like a whore when I tell you to. Okay?”

“Yes. Yes, okay. I understand. I’m… shit.”

“This is a partnership, starting now. We help each other. We trust each other. We talk to each other. We don’t go behind each other’s backs, or fuck around with other people. Okay?”

“Okay. That’s… doll, can you slow down just a little? You’re… I’m…”

“You’re gonna cum again?”

He nodded, chasing his breath. You leaned towards him, lowering your head to his chest and dragging your tongue against his collarbone.

“Good. You can cum again, Coryo.”

“Thank you. Thank you - fuck. That feels… I’m-”

“You gonna cum all over my hand again, baby? Do it, I’ve got you. You can cum now.”

The second time he came was with a pained cry, painting your hand until it dripped down your wrist and onto his stomach. When you finally released your grip, he slumped down and sighed, aftershocks still jolting through him.

“You heard what I said, didn’t you?”

“I did. And I understand.”

“Good.” You murmured into his ear, and you felt goosebumps rise on his torso, “Then I think we can come to an agreement.”

The week went by in a blur of whispered words and tangled limbs. He rarely left you alone, and you barely felt the time pass, every waking moment spent together, flesh on flesh. When he worked, it was at the small desk in his room, and he took plenty of breaks to lounge in bed with you or run you baths.

You learned each other’s tells, growing comfortable touching each other, but Snow stuck to his word, much to your annoyance.

Not until you trust me again, he’d said. Wasn’t it clear enough by you staying?

You’d all but moved into his room, sending Lucille back and forth with hampers for your clothes, which now hang in one side of his closet, or sat folded in his previously empty drawers. You felt closer to him than you ever had before, and the two of you had skin littered with bruises which made you grateful you didn’t have any public functions to attend for quite a while. He’d stopped leaving you to go into the city and work, instead managing people from afar, and letting them get on with their jobs so he could weed out the weakest links.

For the first time, it felt a little like he was yours. Or as much yours as he possibly could be. And as you spent more time together, not just half-dressed and desperate, but talking, really talking, you slowly started to feel like you could be his, too.

“Tell me it feels better than he did. When you were together.” He whispered one morning, when you’d not long woken up and he’d immediately ducked under the covers to get between your thighs. He paused, fingers inside you, looking at you intently, and at first you were confused as to what he meant. You heard the tinge of vulnerability in his voice, and took the cue.

“You really think you deserve that? After everything?”

“No.” He whispered, eyes dropping down again.

“So what do we say?”

“Please.”

“One more time for me.”

He spoke up, voice gorgeously wrecked.

“Please. Tell me it’s better.”

“That’s good. And since you’re being good, I’ll tell you. He didn’t…” you swallowed, catching yourself, “He didn’t really like doing that. what you’re doing.” Your facade cracked a little and you glanced off to the side, not sure what reaction you were expecting.

“Really?” His voice was dumbfounded. It made you laugh.

“You know, Snow, a lot of guys don’t. They’re lazy about it. Want to get it over with, get to the real thing.”

A wide smile pulled at his lips, wolfish.

“Who wouldn’t want to do this?”

“Easy for you to say, handsome.”

He grinned wider.

“Can I try something?”

“I don’t know. will I like it?”

“I think we both will.”

Your voice dropped to a whisper.

“Okay, Coryo.”

His smile only deepened, pulling into an excited smirk as he gripped your hips once more, lightly kissing your thighs as he got closer to where you wanted him.

You gasped as his tongue worked you, and when you came, he kept going, easing up only after you’d fallen apart more times than you could keep count.

“Can’t believe you still won’t fuck me.” You pouted one day, as he sat at the desk with a pen in hand, scratching against paper.

He turned around to face you.

“I told you why. Not until-”

“I trust you again, I know. But how do you know that? I could trust you just fine and you wouldn’t even know it.”

“I’ll know.”

You hummed.

“Or,” you started, slipping off the bed and pacing towards him, “you could just fuck me now and call it square.”

He chuckled.

“Nice try, sweetheart.”

You pulled a lip between your teeth as you stood next to him, and he moved his chair out towards you. You smoothed a hand over his dress shirt, and grabbed a hold of his tie. Then you hooked a leg over both of his and lowered yourself onto his lap, face right next to his. You’d grown comfortable with being close to him, and while it still felt electric, you could handle it better. You rocked your hips on his as you got comfortable.

“Feel familiar?”

He hummed in response.

“I’m getting flashbacks.”

You smirked.

“Can I take this off?” You tugged at his shirt.

“Only if you play nice. No acting up, okay?”

“If you say so.” You shrugged, making quick work of the tie and buttons. Once the shirt was off, your lips were all over him, trailing over his chest and neck, tongue tracing lines across his collarbones.

“You don’t have to be anywhere for the next week, do you?” You murmured into his ear.

“No.” His breath hitched a little.

“Good.”

With that, you closed your lips around his pulse, and sucked.

While you littered his whole torso with bruises, and your neck was given a few of its own, you started rocking your hips lazily against him, playing coy like you didn’t know what you were doing, like you couldn’t feel him rock hard between your legs.

“Now this really is taking me back.” His voice strained when he spoke.

You only hummed in response, lace panties bunching in an all-too-familiar way. But you didn’t work your hips like you had something to prove this time, you went slower, taking your time, but staying deliberate in your movements. Your lips met his, breaking away only to breathe, then again when you felt his hips roll a little and his breath get laboured.

You rocked your hips harder, nice and firm. You could feel his cock twitch through his pants, right up against the wet spot forming on your panties. The friction had you shaking.

“Feel good?” You breathed.

“Yeah. Feels real fucking good, sweetheart.”

You smiled as your head lolled back, gasping loud to make sure he really heard it.

“You know what would feel even better, though?”

He mumbled something back but you didn’t catch it, lost in the haze.

“Think it’d feel better if you were fucking me for real right now.”

You didn’t expect the broken moan that escaped him, hands gripping your hips hard. Like the thought of it was enough to make him shatter.

“Baby,” he warned, “don’t.”

“But it would be so easy.” You pressed, “pushing my panties to the side and fucking into me right now.”

“Doll-”

“I know you want to.” you whispered against his ear.

“Do you now?” His strained voice told you everything you needed to know.

You nodded. “Mhm. I know you do. I also know that it’s driving you crazy, having me this close, but not able to take what you want. You must be going out of your mind, you know how I know?”

“How?”

“Because I am too. I’m tired of this rule, Snow. Let’s just forget about it, and fuck me already.”

“Get up.” He said firmly. You started.

“What?”

“You heard me. I said get up, sweetheart.”

You climbed off his lap and stood, cautiously, legs shaking from how close you’d gotten. He did the same, towering over you a little as you failed to hide the smile on your face.

“Get on the bed.”

You took in a breath, shaky with nerves.

“Thought you’d never ask.”

You sat back on the bed, peering over the mattress as he ducked down to pick up something from the floor.

“What are you-”

“Eyes closed.”

“Okay.” You shut your eyes, then felt him get close to you, his lips meeting yours as he knelt in front you, mattress dipping as he shifted. His hands brushed your arms, slowly pushing them behind your back as you melted into him, and before you could open your eyes, you felt the smooth silk of his tie wrap around your wrists and pull.

“What-”

“You want to act up, doll? Fine. Let’s see how many times I can make you cum all over my fingers before you’re begging me to stop.”

His hand slipped between your legs, pushing your lace panties to the side and pressing a finger into your wet cunt as you cried out. Your eyes pleaded at him, desperate.

“But why can’t you-”

“I said,” he repeated, pressing his finger into the spot that make you see stars, “not. Fucking. Yet.”

He spent hours fingering you open, making you cum until you cried. Then he cleaned up your tears and kissed like you were his whole world as you fell into an exhausted sleep, his words floating around in your head.

The black box was tied with a crisp white ribbon, and sat waiting for you on your bed. You approached it with caution, thumbing the piece of card on top of it. It was a note written in ink.

Wear this tonight. Think you’ll suit it well.

-       C.S

You’d gone into your room to collect something of yours to take to Snow’s room. You rarely went into your room anymore, most of your things had found their place in his, much to your satisfaction.

It was the first day in about two weeks that Coriolanus had finally had to leave the house to go into the city, but he’d promised it would just be for the day. It was also the first gala you had to attend since you’d made your decision, which you were slightly nervous for, but mostly excited to get out of the house, because although the sacred oasis that his room had become, it would be nice to have a change of scenery.

And that brought you back to the beautifully wrapped box lay in front of you. You were buzzing. You turned the note over in your hands, pulling it to your face to breathe it in. It smelt like newly printed books, and something distinctly him.

You recognised the label on the box, it was one of your favorite designers. You pushed the lid away to reveal the most beautiful dress you’d ever laid your eyes on – and you’d seen some impressive pieces.

It was a dark crimson red with gold embroidery, soft as silk. You unfolded it gently, letting the fabric spill out towards the floor. It was a little more revealing than anything you currently owned, with a deep slit up the leg and a plunging neckline, waist cinched, but the rest of the dress was floor length. A smile crept onto your face.

After counting down the hours, it was finally time to make your way downstairs. Snow stood in a full suit, waiting at the bottom of the staircase.

“You look beautiful.” He remarked.

“You don’t look too shabby yourself.” You smiled in response.

You met at the foot of the stairs, and he took your hand in his.

“Thank you for the dress. It’s gorgeous.” You added, not sure why you were lowering your voice in your own lobby.

“I knew it would suit you. Now you’re almost ready to go.”

“Almost?” You frowned, not sure what you could possibly be missing.

Coriolanus lifted his hand to pull the white rose from his breast pocket. He examined it, then lifted it to your hair and tucked it gently behind your ear. Your lips parted in surprise, and your hand reached up to meet his.

“But it’s your signature. I couldn’t-”

“I know. But people won’t be looking at me tonight. They’ll be looking at you. And this way, when they do, each and every one of them will know that you’re mine.”

That knowing smile crept back onto your face, and you leaned in to press your lips to his.

When you pulled away, you thumbed his tie, realising the color matched your dress exactly.

“I’m sensing a similar theme here.”

“Well, it’s been a while since we’ve been seen out in public. It’ll be good to show up like this, show a strong front, not leave any doubters.”

You hummed.

“And when we get home?”

His stare drew you in; you could get lost in it and never find your way out.

“That depends.”

Your gaze lowered to his lips, then back up again.

“Missed you today.” You said.

“I’ll make it up to you.”

“You promise?”

He smiled.

“I promise, sweetheart.”

“Snow?”

He hummed in response. Your hand felt like it could melt into his, thumb brushing your palm.

“What would you say if I told you that I trust you now?”

His hand stilled. His eyes bored into yours.

“I’d say… that I believe you.”

You held your breath in, letting the anticipation wash over you.

“Later?” You whispered, and he nodded.

“Later.”

The ball was one of the most extravagant you’d seen, large chandeliers hanging from the ceiling and fountains of champagne dotted around. The health minister had outdone himself, and when you said so to Snow, he muttered a comment about him spending more time planning parties than doing his real job. But he smiled to all the right people, and his hand in yours calmed your nerves as a large procession saw you into the ballroom.

You danced until your feet turned numb, spinning on the ballroom floor, every time Coriolanus put his hands on your waist or wrapped his hand around yours drawing you in further, bringing you closer to forgetting everyone was watching you when his eyes were on yours, each stare becoming some secret language you were now terribly well-versed in. He didn’t let himself get distracted this time, quickly gravitating back to you any time he got pulled away into a conversation, and you basked in the attention, the two of you flirting to high heaven. When you’d spun until you were dizzy, he went to get you a drink, and you stepped off the floor of twirling couples.

It was then that you saw your mother, standing anxiously to one side, the stem of a champagne glass pressed between her fingers. Your parents rarely made it to these functions, but apparently, they had made time for this one. Suddenly aware of your frown and not wanting to arise suspicion, you plastered on a false smile and swanned through the crowd in her direction.

“Oh, darling. I’m so glad you’re here.”

“Of course I am, mother, I wouldn’t miss it. Is everything alright?”

She glanced around the two of you nervously, fiddling with her glass. You touched her shoulder and gently guided her further into the corner of the room. You rarely saw her this distressed, usually the picture of grace and poise.

“What’s wrong?” You pressed.

“Have you heard from Nathaniel?”

Your brows furrowed.

“Nathaniel Greene? Not in a long time.” You figured the little stunt of yours from the month before should go unmentioned.

“I heard from his parents the other day. They’re completely distraught.”

“Why? What on earth happened?”

For a second, echoes of threats that had long settled to the ground popped back into the forefront of your mind, and you swallowed thickly. You sat down in two small chairs at the side of the room.

“They can’t begin to understand why. Perhaps it was work, perhaps he was gambling, or in debt, but nothing could possibly explain such a cruel fate.”

“Mother, tell me what happened. Is he…”

Her hands shook, and you took the glass of champagne from her and placed it on a nearby tray.

“He’s not dead, my darling. It’s worse. A messenger came to his house late the other night. They asked him to pack a bag, and they took him away. To… I can barely say it.”

“Mother,” you gritted, “tell me.”

“A peacekeeper, of all things.” Horror filled her voice. “They sent him away to the districts, for the next twenty years. But what could he have done? I can barely understand it. Can you imagine? A young man of his standing, wasting away in that place? His family is ruined.”

Right then, the crowd around you parted in a way that could only announce the presence of one person.

“Sweetheart, is everything okay?”

You lifted your head to meet cool blue eyes and a slightly suspicious stare. From where you sat, Snow towered over you both, drink in hand.

“Everything’s fine.” You replied, “my mother isn’t feeling too well. Do you think we could find my father and have him take her home?”

He nodded at an Avox nearby who stepped dutifully away without missing a beat, and a server offered your mother a tray with a glass of water on it. You stood and faced Coriolanus, conscious of the now very interested crowd, and nodded to the large double doors that stood to your right.

“A word?”

He followed you in cautiously.

“I just heard something interesting.” You started.

He stood up straight, setting his jaw when you finally turned to face him. Even though you were barely alone, just a closed door between you and hundreds of people, it felt electric to be standing so close to him again with nobody watching you.

“What’s that?”

Playing it safe. An interesting move.

“Oh, just some rumor about an old friend of ours.”

“Who would that be?”

You smiled.

“I thought it was funny you asked about him the other day. Were you worried if I left you I’d go back to him?”

“Not sure what you’re talking about.”

“Oh, don’t play coy, Coriolanus.” You drawled. “You sent Nathaniel off to be a peacekeeper so I couldn’t go back to him.”

His stony façade fell through a little.

“And if I did?”

The deep frown you’d plastered onto your face for your mother’s benefit fell away, and your lips curved into a smirk.

“I’d say... well played.”

He blinked.

“You’re not upset?”

“Over him? Barely.”

“You’re - ” Snow paused, “so you’re not angry that I sent him away? The districts are hell, you know.”

“I’m sure. I don’t care, Snow. If anything, I’m impressed.”

“Why?”

You shrugged.

“He had it coming. He slept with my closest friend a week after we ended things. He never knew I found out. I’ve just been waiting, really, for him to get what he deserves. I doubted you’d let him off without a warning. There I was thinking you’d lost your touch for a while.”

You wanted to bottle the feeling you got from his eyes burning into you, with something that tasted like admiration.

“I nearly did let him off, for your sake.” He confessed. “But... if that's the case, I'm glad I changed my mind."

“So am I. It was that weekend I left, wasn’t it?”

“Damage control." He said tightly, "You can’t blame me.”

“Thought so. Good work, Snow.” You stepped towards him and revelled in the apprehension on his face with a smirk. “It’s a shame for his family, but they were never particularly nice. Collateral, I suppose.”

“You really don’t care at all?”

“Does it look like I care?”

“No.”

“I think you can read me as well as the next person. So I don’t care. Is that so tragic?”

He shook his head, bewildered. A strange smile appeared on his face.

“No, that’s… that’s good.”

You smirked as a thought popped into your head.

“How long do you think he’ll last out there?”

“Who knows? I hope you’re not banking on him ever coming back.”

You fiddled with his tie, smoothing it down.

“Never. We can’t all be Coriolanus Snow, can we?”

“Certainly not.”

You stepped even closer, and his back bumped softly against the wall. His gaze fell to your lips. You'd painted them a red so deep it was almost black, matching the dress.

"You like the color?" You asked.

"Yeah. Reminds me of when you kissed me in front of everyone and I couldn't get it off."

You laughed.

"Well, it was one way of getting your attention."

"It drove me fucking crazy, you know. It's all I thought about when I jerked off for weeks."

Fuck. Your eyes went a little heavy, laden with want.

“I hope this hasn’t changed our plans tonight.” You murmured.

“Has it changed them for you?”

You shook your head quickly.

“No. You?”

“Of course not.” He brushed a stray piece of hair out of your face.

“Good. Because now he’s out of our way, I’m tired of this party. I want to go home."

His eyes darkened a little and he drew in a breath.

“I’ll go say my goodbyes.”

With one of his hands on the doorknob, you stopped him.

“Snow?”

“Yes?”

“I don't want you to be nice. Later, I mean.”

If you didn’t know better, you’d think he was just a few squeezes shy of breaking off the doorknob.

Your body slammed against his bedroom door with a force. His hands travelled under your clothes; wanting, needing to touch. You sighed and gasped at the feeling, his cold hands on your skin shooting chills through you, tugging off your clothes, kissing your neck, taking all that he wanted but still desperate for more. The rose had long fallen from your hair and lay, forgotten, on the hardwood. He kissed you with purpose, like he was once again trying to prove that he owned you, all the while understanding that he couldn’t. Maybe that’s what pushed him to touch you, to kiss you like it was the last time, like he was scared you’d float away somehow, even though you both know that wouldn’t really happen.

You understood it, because you felt the same way about him.  

You revelled in it, in the way his hands wrapped around your back, lowered to your legs, and lifted you up to push you harder against the door. His lips travelled across every square inch of bare skin he could find, your dress pushed down to your waist, lace bra exposed.

“Take it off.” He whispered, and you arched your back, reaching for the clasp and unhooking it with lightning speed. The lights were dim in his room, casting shadows that danced as the two of you moved together. Your head fell back against the solid wood as Coriolanus licked a trail up your neck. It was depraved, more passionate than anything you’d felt before. You could hardly think, blood pumping through your veins faster than you could stand. The only thing louder than the rush of blood in your ears was the sound of your breath mixing, hot and heavy as you took, impatient and without apology.

You cried out as his hips pressed harder into yours, and you could feel his length pressing up against you for the hundredth time. Except this time, you could finally let yourself imagine him inside you and trust that he wouldn’t turn this into another round of the game you’d thought endless. You squeezed your legs around his hips.

“Bed.” You gasped, and he grinned, wolfish and thrilled. You were the luckiest girl in Panem, to get to see him look at you that way.

“Been waiting to get this dress off you since I had it made.”

“Don’t tear it. Be gentle.”

“With you, or the dress?”

You narrowed your eyes as he carried you to the bed and placed you down on the mattress.

“Thought I told you that already.”

He was careful with the dress, slipping it over your hips and draping it over the back of the desk chair. When he came back, you were propped up on your elbows, legs bent at the knee, stare unwavering, panties the only thing left to take off. He was still wearing too much, shirt messily undone, pants still fastened but barely concealing the tent beneath them.

“You sure about this?” He checked.

“That a trick question?”

“Doll.”

You laughed. 

“Yes, I’m sure. Take off your shirt, handsome.”

He pulled off the white shirt methodically, and you shifted onto your knees to pull off his belt and toss it to the floor, eager to speed things along. You took in his toned chest and let your gaze sink down to his boxers, where his cock stood painfully hard beneath the material.

“Can I…” You prompted.

“Fuck. Yes. Please.” He sighed as your nails trailed up the bare skin of his thigh and brushed softly over his cock.

You smiled at the addition and took one last glance at his face, anticipation clear on his features that morphed a little in the near-darkness. Then, you pulled the material down his legs and his cock sprung free, and you forgot that you’d done this before, that you were used to this, to him, to being with him in almost every sense. It all slipped away, and as your hand reached to touch him with nothing between the two of you, it felt like the first time you’d ever done it. The breath he sucked in as you started to push the precum around his tip urged you on, making you brazen, and you readjusted your knees on the bed and got closer, then licked a stripe from the base of his cock to the tip.

“Oh my – fuck.” He groaned, and you couldn’t help the smile on your face, grateful for the darkness.

“That okay?”

He laughed, something dark and untethered.

“You fucking know it is. Such a fucking tease.”

“Wouldn’t be such a tease if we’d done this sooner.”

“Somehow I doubt that, sweetheart – ah.”

He was cut off by you taking the tip of his cock in your mouth and sucking hard as you gripped the base. You pumped your hand a few times and revelled in the sounds he made, choked out grunts and broken sighs, mixed with the occasional curse or a cry of your name.

You felt his hand gently brush against your hair, ever so cautious.

“Can I…”

“Mhm.” You hummed in the affirmative, and he sighed, all low and shaky as he pushed his fingers through your locks, not guiding, just careful pressure on your scalp as he let you take the lead.

“Baby,” he gritted out, “I don’t know how much longer I can… fuck, that’s-”

He sucked in a sharp breath as you stopped, pulling off, lips swollen. You looked up at him, stunned as he caught his breath.

“Coriolanus?”

“Yeah?”

“Can we turn a light on? I can’t… I want to see you.”

In the shadows, you could just make out the glint of his eyes and a dumbfounded smile.

“Of course.”

He stepped away, kicking off his boxers, and you watched him reach over the desk to switch on a small lamp. It lit up his face and you took him in, a thin cast of sweat shimmering across his face and chest. When he turned, you glanced away like you hadn’t been staring. He caught on with a grin.

“Like what you see?”

Such a dick.

“I’d like it better if you were over here.” You mumbled as he paced back towards you.

“You’re the one who wanted the light on, sweetheart. Now I know why.”

“Shut up and kiss me, Snow.”

“Coryo.” His breath danced against your lips as he closed in, lips sealing against yours as he pushed you back on the bed.

“Coryo.” You repeated with a smile when he pulled away kissing down your neck and chest, feeling the shape of the name in your mouth.

Then his hands were on you again as if they’d never left. More heat pooled between your legs as he trailed his hands down your thighs, and you let your head fall back as his fingers pressed through the seam of your panties.

His breath got shaky again as his fingers pushed the scrap of wet fabric to the side. You gasped as his thumb went straight to your clit, determined, rubbing tight circles against the hard nub.

“Oh my god, Coryo, I-”

“So fucking wet, sweetheart. Is this all for me?”

It was too much all at once. You pressed your lips together tightly and nodded. Beside yourself, your left hand pressed against your mouth to muffle your moans.

Then he fucking stopped. Your hand fell from your mouth, and you felt the lace get pulled down your legs.

“What are you…” You trailed off. The dim light let you make out his face and you could see his expression now, wanting, but careful, methodical.

“Open your mouth.”

When your lips parted, a little in response, but moreso in surprise, the two fingers he’d been using on your clit slipped into your mouth, pulling your jaw open as his other hand propped him up. You could taste yourself, hot and heavy, spilling onto your tongue.

“I want to hear you, baby. You can’t cover your mouth like that if I’m gonna hear you.”

You nodded, brain a little dead.

“Good girl. Now I don’t have a free hand, know what that means?”

You cried out a little, tongue trapped beneath his fingers.

“Touch yourself, doll. I’ve got you. We’re gonna get you nice and fucking close, okay?”

A little self-aware with him hovering right above you, you snaked a hand between your legs, but when you saw the look on his face you stopped wasting time, pushing two fingers inside yourself, heel of your hand bumping your clit as a whine slipped past your lips.

He kept talking, whispering hot and heavy into your ear, dragging his lips over your neck, pressing kisses wherever he could reach, every touch burning your skin like it was molten. When you’d lost yourself enough, mouth still parted; his fingers gentler now he’d made his point, he ducked his head lower, trailing his lips over your tits, placed his mouth over your nipple and sucked. Your moans got louder, feeling like every inch of skin he covered was hardwired to your cunt, your fingers getting tired and sloppy as you got yourself closer, dripping down your thighs.

You made a sound and he glanced up at you, pulling his fingers from your mouth.

“Just fuck me. Please, I can’t wait anymore, Coryo.” You whined, trying desperately to slow down your breathing.

“Poor baby. Couldn’t make yourself cum first?”

You shook your head, any more and you were sure your eyes would start to water.

“That’s okay, doll. I wasn’t gonna let you anyway.”

He lowered himself down towards you, arms either side of yours, crowding you in. Then his hands travelled down, lower, and your eyes rolled back, mouth agape as you felt his cock press against your entrance.

“Fuck.” You whispered, and he was strangely quiet. You blinked, and looked down at him, and you’d never seen such a pained look on his face. His lips parted, eyes heavy and slitted as he looked down at where his cock rubbed up and down like he was in a trance, slowly nudging your clit and getting himself wetter, tip glistening in the dim light.

Desperate for friction, you started rocking your hips, aching for him to push inside of you.

“Not just yet.” He breathed, voice strung-out and insane. “I won’t make you wait much longer, baby.”

“Please. I need you to fuck me. Don’t make me fucking beg.”

Usually, you’d see a sly smile appear on his face, but he just pressed his eyes closed as if the thought was going to send him over the edge. It was the sweetest torture you’d ever felt. Then, finally, you felt his cock catch at your entrance, and slowly press inside. You gasped at the pressure, at the size of him, and he was barely even moving.

“That’s it, baby.” He breathed. “I’m right here.”

He shifted his hips a little, and you clawed at his back, nails digging in until he hissed, rocking your hips to beg for more. You didn't want him holding back, not when you'd waited months for this. You strained your neck lifting it from the bed to whisper in his ear.

“I meant what I said, Coryo. Don’t be fucking nice.”

It was as if something in him snapped. Like he was holding on by a single thread, and you’d send him spiralling out of control. His hips jerked forward and you cried out as he filled you to the hilt, then rocked into you again, picking up a pace that was almost punishing. You tasted it, still wet on your lips, clung to your skin, and now, deep inside you.

Danger.

“So fucking pretty. Does my pretty girl need to get fucked, huh? Just like that?”

You could barely form words, legs wrapping around his waist to pull him in further, feeling pinned open and beautifully used. Your cries melted together in your head until you could only understand bits and pieces, and as he fucked you, unrelenting, you felt your back slide up the mattress. Your nails dug into his back, and you were sure they must’ve drawn blood. His forehead pressed against yours,

For a second, he slowed, looking down at you.

“That okay?” He muttered.

You nodded, frantic, barely there.

“Yeah.”

He sped up again and your legs grew weak. He reached his free hand down to grab hold of your thigh and push it higher, the new angle making you see stars, clenching around him impossibly tight.

“Good fucking girl.”

At some point, as you exchanged fewer words and more heated glances, you felt your hand slip from his back and come to rest against over his on your thigh, to hold it in place. He took it in stride, taking it in his, fingers interlacing as his thumb brushed yours.

You didn’t think much of it. How could you? Not when he was stretching the walls of your cunt as you gripped him like a vice. Not when you could barely hear the words coming from either of your mouths. But oddly, it was the gentle contrast that pushed you to the edge as he fucked into you just like you’d asked, hard and unrelenting, mean.

Despite it all, it was the thumb that brushed yours that had moans spilling from your mouth as you both took exactly what you wanted from each other. It sparked something in you, something that let you know you were safe here, that there weren’t any walls between you anymore, no twisted games that wouldn’t benefit you both equally.

“I’m close.” You gasped as his cool blue eyes spilled into yours, and you knew he was all yours.

“Yeah? You gonna cum for me, sweetheart? I can feel it.”

You nodded silently, muscles in our thighs tensing around his back, the hand that was twisted into yours now falling onto the bed beside you. He gripped it tighter, and fucked you harder, with a point to prove. When your eyes slid shut in ecstasy, right on the edge of falling apart, he squeezed your hand, palms hot and clammy against each other just like the rest of you.

“Look at me, baby.” He urged, fighting for breath. “You’re so fucking close, I need – shit – need to see you when you cum for me.”

It wasn’t hard to keep your eyes open, to keep them on him when he looked like that, like he was carved by the fucking gods, brow scrunched and shining with sweat, eyes bluer than ever, lips parted in an o shape. It was the prettiest sight you’d seen, and your hand tensed around his when you came, trembling like a leaf, mouth parting in a shout you barely heard, eyes focused on him, only him as he fucked you through it.

"Fuck, that's it, doll. Like that? Right fucking there?"

You cried out in response, and as you spilled apart, you heard your name slip past his lips through your ringing ears , followed by a string of curses, each one filthier than the next, not letting up once as he followed you over the edge, hips stuttering as you felt warmth fill your walls and his head fall down onto the pillow beside yours.

A few moments passed as you let the feeling wash over you, feeling the wonderfully sore, sticky mess between your thighs after he pulled out. You heard him catch his breath, then tumble onto his back by your side. You sighed as you stared at the ceiling, then at him, and with a smile realised he’d been looking at you.

“Like what you see?” You echoed. He smiled, coy.

“You know I do, beautiful.”

You sighed, satisifed.

“Keep calling me beautiful, Snow, and I might start thinking you want to fuck me.” You teased. “Wouldn’t want to give a girl the wrong idea.”

He laughed, bright and loud. A few more seconds passed, and you hummed.

“What is it?” He asked.

“Nothing.” You shrugged. “I’m just a little annoyed I didn’t get to ride you.”

He swallowed then smiled, almost awe-like, transfixed. It was a feeling that you’d gotten used to over the past few weeks, but it felt new this time. Different.

“You’re not done?”

“Are you?”

He glanced at your lips, then back up again, voice earnest.

“Not with you, sweetheart.”

Your voice dropped to a whisper.

“Good. Then lay back. Head on the pillow for me.”

He obliged, blonde curls spilling over the fabric. You liked it when he grew his hair out a little, you thought as you hooked a leg over his waist. His hands came up to touch you, but you pressed his wrists back into the mattress.

“No touching, Coryo. You hear me?”

He nodded, eyes darkening again, and you lowered your head to kiss him, deep and slow. Felt yourself meld into him with a smile as his cock hardened against your thigh.

From the corner of your eye, you caught a glimpse of the white rose he'd given you, discarded haphazardly on the wooden floor.

And something inside you just knew, you’d never get bored of this.

a/n: hope you liked it. thank you again for the love and for screaming along with me this whole time <33

taglist: (more in the comments) : @superchatnoir07 @nycweb-slinger @lookclosernow @etfrin @resibunn @serving-targaryen-realness @harmfulb1tch @demonsnangels @superb-icarus @julesandro @gracieroxzy @slyhersophia @shadowsepiphany @ben-has-arrived @unclecrunkle @zerotwo-sciencequeen @itsleniiilosers @thesiriusmap @ooooglymoooogly @darkqweenn @going-through-shit @loverw1tch @stinkii-boii @tqmqkii @not-avery @natsgf @sleepysongbirdsings @hopebaker @darknight3904@pemberlystateofmind @bxtchopolis @real-lana-del-rey @24kmar @louweasleymalfoy @m1ndbrand @coconut-dreamz @cosmicgyral @urfavevirgoo @mk15x @theamuz @ashy-kit @violante777 @ohstardew @ohmeadows

#coriolanus snow x you #coriolanus snow smut #coriolanus snow x reader #coriolanus x reader #x reader smut #coriolanus smut #coriolanus x you #coriolanus snow #x reader #tbosas x reader #tbosas x you #thg tbosas #the hunger games fanfiction #the hunger games x reader #the ballad of songbirds and snakes #president snow x reader #snow x reader #attention #tbosas #coriolanus fanfiction #tbosas fanfiction #president snow x you

[hyunjinspark]

star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 18

pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader

genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au, star-crossed lovers

synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, you’ve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but you’ve never met somebody like him. there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that he’s always wanted to, but what he didn’t anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned. 

word count: 33K

warnings: cursing, drinking, mature content, heavyyyy angst, mutual pining, sexual tension, jealousy, unrequited love, mature language, dirty jokes, arguments, whipped hyunjin, a big confrontation, lots of heartbreaks, mentions of diet, mentions of threats, toxic idol culture, a scene of unwarranted sexual advances! (not from hyunjin)

a/n: whew, this is another big chapter and picks up from hyunjin's pov after he moved back to the city, hope that's not confusing! there's a lot of toxicity surrounding idol culture, and features mature language and content throughout. please read the warnings to make sure you're comfortable with everything. this fic has taken a life of it's own, and im really enjoying focusing on yn's character arc, along with the obvious lovestory. this isn't a feel-good chapter, it features a lot of angst and uncomfortable situations, but i promise things will get better after this! anyway, this was very fun to write and picks up on one of my favorite arcs of this story. please get comfortable with snacks and a blanket to read. you can listen to my star lost playlist here!

important: all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.

masterlist

Five Months Ago.

The electric blue guitar in Hyunjin’s hands felt familiar. He adjusted the strap around his body, he was getting used to the weight of it again. It had been a while since he’d touched it, fingers skimming over the strings. If he focused on this, he could ignore the blaring lights in his face. 

“Still not used to the spotlight, Jinnie?” Jisung asked, elbowing him in the stomach. Hyunjin doubled over, avoiding another attack from the man, “Ouch. The lights are brighter than I remember”

“Well, how else will they get our pretty faces on camera?” Jisung grinned, stepping in front of him, and thankfully blocking the heat of the lights. 

“I’m…really hot” Hyunjin declared, drops of sweat dripping down his forehead, “I hope they can fix the cooling in here”

Jisung sighed, lifting his guitar to help him tune it, taking the weight momentarily off his hands. As he did that, someone stepped up to Hyunjin, a little electric fan and makeup palette in hand, “Can you please hold this? Your makeup’s running”

“Sorry” He apologised, even though it was no one’s fault. The stage equipment and lights made the set far too hot, the air conditioning was broken and they’d only just begun. Hyunjin couldn’t fathom what the full day of filming would look like. He held the little fan to his face, the cool instantly relaxing his muscles with relief, shoulders sagging from tension. Jisung stood between them still, trying to tune his guitar and the makeup lady awkwardly stepped closer, patting down the foundation on Hyunjin’s cheeks, “Did you tan when you were away?”

“Um, I suppose. I was out in the sun a lot” He responded, but realised quickly that she didn’t really want a response. She was berating him because his usual foundation no longer matched him. Her lips pulled into a thin line, “You should be careful”

Hyunjin’s eyebrows shot up. Careful about…what exactly? When he was in Daejon, swimming in the Creek, or lounging away in the sun, his first concern wasn’t exactly putting on any heavy sunscreen. He was away from the world of…such.

“He just doesn’t know his face would cost the company millions of won" Jisung joked. It was irresponsible, sure, but he had more important things distracting him at the time. At the memory of the bright Daejon sun, Hyunjin smiled, closing his eyes briefly to revel in the memory. If he thought hard enough, the blaring spotlights could almost replicate the southern summer sun. It was hard to get lost in his imagination though. The lady was prodding and poking at his face, turning him this and that side so she could fix him. This wasn’t the time.

“There. Try playing it now” Jisung said proudly, standing up straight and letting go of Hyunjin’s guitar. So he played a tempo to test it, and the music seemed perfectly fine now. In the end, it was futile anyway. The company didn’t allow them to play live in the music video. Apparently they had no faith that the boys wouldn’t mess up the instruments after such a long hiatus, and there was no time or money for retakes and reshoots. So, they would only pretend to play, and lip-sync the words and hopefully someone in the editing department would make it seem real. Still, Hyunjin was going to try his hardest to genuinely play. He hated pretending.

“Close your eyes,” The lady mumbled, an annoyed tone that frankly felt unwarranted. He followed the instructions, and felt the tip of a brush poking at his eyes as she reapplied some of the darker eyeshadow. The concept for this album was pop-rock, leaning heavily into the rock, and so their makeup was inspired from the 1980s world of rock.

“Did I do something wrong?” Hyunjin asked, as she used a little too much force on him, making his eyes water under the sharp brush.

“Hmm?” She was none the wiser, and he suddenly wondered if he should backtrack, but he wouldn’t be able to continue the filming knowing one of their makeup artists was possibly mad at him. “You…seem upset” He said. 

A sigh followed, “I’m not upset, I just think you should take better care of yourself. Jisung was right, you know? Your face does cost us thousand of won. I understand you’ve just come back from vacation but if you don’t do your job, it’s very difficult for me to do mine”

“Right” He nodded, sudden guilt overwhelming him, “Can I open my eyes now?”

With the confirmation, he did and looked at her, “I’m sorry, I’ll be more careful in the future” 

She smiled, pulling at his cheek, “It’s good to have you back, kid”

Within seconds, the set jumped back to life. Chan ran onto the stage, getting into his position, and Changbin followed. They were both visibly upset, due to the company not allowing them to sing live, but years in this industry had made them numb to some of that anger. Hyunjin took his place on the stage, as the cameras adjusted and thirty-something people gathered before them, ready to film. He wished he could sneak one look in the mirror before filming, for the reassurance that he didn’t look like a total clown, but he trusted the kind makeup lady. 

“All right, boys” Chan looked at them, microphone stand in his hands, “From the top, yeah?”

The backing track began on cue, and Hyunjin’s heart pounded like it hadn’t in ages. Maybe he wasn’t prepared to do a full-fledged music video shoot so soon after the hiatus. Did he even remember his chords right? The audience may not be looking at his hands, but he sure as hell would be. He squeezed his eyes shut, taking in a breath, hoping he didn’t mess up for the sake of their team. Millions of people would watch this. Thousands would instantly know they weren’t actually singing, and he had grown tired of the accusations. Most of those people would be rooting for his failure, and he could imagine the myriad of hate comments about how Hyunjin should never have returned to the band. Maybe it was a mistake being back in the spotlight so soon. Chan’s hand landed on his shoulder, startling him. He leaned in to whisper, loud enough for only Hyunjin to hear, “Forget everyone else, Jinnie. She’s going to love this”

A surprised smile tugged on Hyunjin’s lips just as the spotlight hit him, and the camera began rolling.

»»————-

Later that night, Jisung crawled into his bed. He pulled the blue comforter off Hyunjin’s aching legs, settling cross-legged across him. The filming had taken a toll on him, and he’d really let himself go when he was away. It usually took a lot more to get him this tired, and he was still adjusting to this new schedule. Jisung leaned against the wall, releasing a sigh of contentment. This had become second nature to them, a routine to sit, talk, and catch up on the past few months of summer. They’d stayed in touch through text, but it wasn’t the same. Some nights, they’d go for a walk, find an open barbecue place, and eat into the early hours of dawn. Other nights, they’d stay in the dorm and order some cheesecake, and Jisung would tell him everything he missed. Every anecdote, each funny moment, painstaking details of how many different ways he’d embarrassed himself. Hyunjin had missed a lot, so he’d sit and listen to the tales of the city that he’d pined for all this while. It was good to return to the life he’d left behind. Everything was different here, and sometimes it felt like summer had existed in a void away from the world. Jisung would also ask him about his hometown, but Hyunjin never knew where to start, so he preferred to listen to Jisung instead. He had a lot more to say anyway. 

Tonight was different. Jisung asked him about you.

And that wasn’t the routine.

“I don’t really know what you want me to tell you” Hyunjin laughed, and they were both tucked into blankets, like kids bonding at their first sleepover. 

“You’ve talked about this girl all freaking summer, and now you have nothing to say?”

“Well, yeah, you already know everything” Hyunjin mumbled, flush rising up. They never had this dynamic before, this…sharing of crushes, or whatever it could be called. Jisung was usually the one in relationships out of the two of them, and Hyunjin would never bug him about it. Not until Jisung told him himself. So, Hyunjin didn’t know what to say.

“Yeah, I know the shortened version you sent over text, but…how’d she react when you said you’re coming back?”

Hyunjin swallowed, memories flashing through his mind of his last night in his hometown, “She was really upset”

“Upset, like…didn’t talk to you kind of upset, or…had sex with you before you left— upset?”

The words sent a flush up Hyunjin’s neck, and he knew this was exactly what Jisung wanted. This was his intention. To embarrass him. To celebrate this new dynamic, when Hyunjin was the one with a stupid crush and not the other way around.

“We didn’t have sex” He clarified. Jisung’s eyes widened, “Really? Not even on the last night?”

Hyunjin leaned his head against the wall, playing with the threads of the blanket. The last night was complicated, for all the right and the wrong reasons, so he settled for the most matter-of-fact answer, “I didn’t have any condoms”

“Shut up, I know that’s not true. I sent you like a huge box your first week in Daejon. Don’t tell me you never used them…”

Hyunjin laughed at the memory, “Thank you for that Jisung, but…I’d already packed it away. I didn’t really expect anything to happen anyway. I thought she’d be too upset at me for leaving”

“So…that’s the only reason?”

Hyunjin swallowed, knowing that if perhaps they’d had an hour longer together that night, things would probably have led straight to that, condoms or no condoms, “Well…we were out of time”

“You spent months with this girl. How were you out of time?”

Hyunjin sighed, “There was no right moment. I didn’t want it to be rushed—”

“No rush? As if you wouldn’t bust a nut as soon as you’re—” Jisung was interrupted with a smack in the face by a pillow, voice turning high, “Ouch! What’d you do that for?”

“I’m not talking about this anymore” Hyunjin laughed, the red reaching the tips of his ears.

“That’s pretty unfair, you know. I used to tell you every detail of my relationship with Mae, down to the nitty-gritty details”

Hyunjin looked up at him. It had been a while since he’d talked about Mae so freely, and he swallowed, “How are you holding up?”

Jisung’s smile fell, humorous demeanour disappearing in seconds, “She’s happy now”

The statement meant so much more than he let on. Happy now. As in, she wasn’t happy before, when she was dating Jisung. Thinking back on it now, their breakup had been explosive, and it seemed like Jisung was still picking up the pieces. Was this what the rest of Hyunjin’s life would look like? Surrounded by miserable relationships destroyed by their careers. He can’t recall the last time he witnessed a love story with a happy ending. He sighed, “That sucks man”

Jisung shrugged, “It is what it is”

Hyunjin stretched out his legs under the blanket, letting out a soft groan, “Man, my limbs haven’t hurt like this in ages”

Jisung rolled his eyes, “You’re getting soft, big boy. We’re hitting the studio tomorrow at six. Album release is only a month away now”

His phone buzzed and he reached for it immediately. “Is that her?” Jisung asked, smiling.

“Yup” Hyunjin typed in a quick text to you, “She’s…telling me about her day”

“Is that all you guys do?” Jisung asked, a smirk on his face, scrolling up on their chats, without permission. He let out a dramatic gasp, “What are you writing her all these long-ass paragraphs for? It feels like I’m reading a book. Big red flag. At least break it up into multiple texts”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, “I mean, there’s a lot she’s interested to know about my life here. I like telling her what we’re up to. If you see it from an outside perspective, it’s pretty cool. She really loves it”

Jisung laughed, eyebrows wiggling like a kid, “Uh-huh. Sure. That’s what she loves”

Hyunjin sighed, rolling his eyes, “Stop. We’re just…really close friends now”

“Does she know that?”

He didn’t like this conversation anymore and what it implied. He informed him for the umpteenth time, “I told her from the start that I don’t do relationships. She knows.”

Jisung was still scrolling through their chat, probably hoping to find something steamy but stopped at the media that Hyunjin had shared, letting out a gasp, “Wait a minute. Have you been sending her our studio recordings?” 

“Yes” Hyunjin frowned, “She likes those”

“You know, Eunwoo would have a heart attack if he knew you were leaking unreleased music”

Hyunjin sighed. Jisung was always so dramatic. “I’m not leaking anything. It’s only to her. She’s not going to show anyone”

“And how do you know that?”

“I trust her” Hyunjin’s reply was automatic, “More than anything”

Jisung smiled, eyes crinkling, tilting his head, “Even more than me?”

He chuckled, grabbing his phone back, “Shut up”

»»————-

He had been waking up earlier than usual, and he’d find himself at the kitchen table first thing in the morning, watching the sun rise through their apartment window. It was always fun to greet the boys as soon as they woke. He’d missed them for so long and he was trying to cherish every moment with them. Jisung would joke about how obsessed he was with them, often hovering like a parent around the house in the morning, waiting for their kids to wake up. It was strange because Hyunjin wasn’t an early riser, but his thirst to spend time with them overpowered his desire to lay in bed. He sat at the kitchen island scribbling ideas in a little journal Changbin bought him. It had admittedly become his diary, filled with crazy ideas, midnight thoughts, and sketches for paintings. 

The dance practices had got easier in the past weeks, and his limbs felt lighter. It almost took no time for him to get back to normal, sucked into the whirlpool of obligations that his life offered. There were so many interviews, press junkets, editorials, and he was back in the studio every night. He’d missed that grandly — getting to work on the music and, for the first time, writing his songs into the album. All of that made everything else worth it — like when they couldn’t leave their dorm because it was surrounded by paparazzi. They’d crowded around the building, hoping to get a glimpse at or any comments out of Jisung. Unfortunately, Jisung was still in the middle of a huge legal battle with the media that had leaked every detail of his personal life and relationship. Hyunjin didn’t understand how Jisung managed to still be so sane, after something like that rocked his world.

But slowly, he carved time in his life to start painting again, between schedules of course. An art shop in Hongdae was perfect for his needs. It was small and convenient, and he could be away from the public eye when he was in it. He found time for you. In changing rooms, backstage, in five-minute breathers between practice, he’d text you when he could. 

“You’re up early” Chan smiled, and Hyunjin looked up at him. He was already dressed, and he moved towards the light switch, turning them on, “You’re drawing in the dark?”

“It’s peaceful” Hyunjin hummed, “On set…it’s always too bright”

“Ah. Right. What are you sketching this time?” Chan moved over to him, glimpsing into his diary. 

“Just…a rough map of home. I’m writing down all the places, I wanna remember it. I don’t know when I’ll go back”

Chan smiled thoughtfully, “Is that your plan for the day?”

“No, actually, I was just about to head out to buy some flowers. I really want to draw some white hydrangeas, they won’t be in bloom for longer, and I’m hoping I can capture their whole life cycle”

Chan laughed, “Wow. It’s only six am and you’re already talking romance”

Hyunjin flushed, “It’s just for my drawings. I want to get better at observation. Speaking of, can I come watch you in the gym later? I…think I’ll draw you next”

Chan moved around the island, prepping a morning smoothie, “If I didn’t know any better, I’d say you’re flirting with me, Jinnie”

“Of course not” Hyunjin rolled his eyes, continuing to add details to his little map, right now he was adding the 7/11 between your house and Aera’s. 

“Unfortunately, I don’t think that’s going to be possible Jinnie. And…you’re probably gonna have to get the flowers tomorrow” Chan suddenly said, filling up the blender with ingredients.

Hyunjin frowned, “What do you mean?” But of course, Chan turned the blender on right then, so Hyunijn had to wait until he was done to find out. The loud whizzing sound filled the kitchen, and if the other boys weren’t up yet, they certainly would be now.

“Sorry about that” Chan apologised sheepishly, pouring the smoothie into four cups, and then eyed Hyunjin’s pajamas, “You should change into a coat, something warm. It’s chilly out”

Hyunjin tilt his head, suspicious, “Why?”

Chan slid him the smoothie, which Hyunjin hadn’t even asked for, and then grinned, “I’m kidnapping you”

“What?” He laughed, reaching for the cup anyway. He might as well start drinking healthy.

“There’s someone I’d like you to meet, Jinnie. She’s a prodigy, she owns like a gazillion art galleries across the country, and she wants to meet you”

“Since when are you interested in art?” Hyunjin hummed, trying not to gag at the taste of the drink. It was all protein powder and whey. Chan smiled at the sight, leaning forward on the counter, “Since my best friend started drawing masterpieces, of course. Go get changed. I’ll drive us there, and if we have time before going to set, we just might be able to buy your flowers”

»»————-

The paintings in the art gallery were beautiful, and Chan was a good sport, taking just enough interest in the art that Hyunjin felt important in explaining all the techniques. They’d wandered around for a while now, eyeing every exhibition. Enough time had passed as they stood observing the room of sculptures, and Chan nudged him. He was diverting his attention to a woman with a tablet in hand as she walked around the space. The apparent prodigy. She seemed busy, pushing buttons on the tablet as she inventoried the place, a flurry of rich visitors following her around. Hyunjin had seen her before, and he asked, “Does she work in our building by any chance?”

“She certainly does. Hey, Karina!” He suddenly called out, “This is Hyunjin”

Hyunjin went wide-eyed and awkward, certainly unprepared to meet someone so important out of the blue, but Karina seemed sweet enough. Her gaze caught his, widening when she noticed them. She whispered something to her über important guests, and then walked over to them, all prim and poise. She certainly looked the part of an art gallery owner, although Hyunjin had never seen one so young before. She shot him a smile, “Ah. I’ve heard so much about you, Hyunjin”

“Oh no” Hyunjin had a funny feeling in his stomach, “What did Chan say?”

She laughed, “Nothing too bad. He showed me some of your work”

“He what?” Hyunjin cringed, “I’m sorry about that”

She laughed again, “Don’t apologise. Your work’s pretty good. Even before Chan, you were kind of hard to miss actually. Your face is plastered all across the company building”

Hyunjin cringed yet again, clasping his hands together, “I’m…sorry about that. That’s embarrassing”

She laughed, “Not at all. So…do you like the collection?”

Hyunjin looked around, nodding, “Oh. Of course! It’s beautiful. I love the exhibit, and I can’t believe you have some Monet up too. That must have been hard to get”

She tilt her head, an admiring smile on her face, “It certainly was. The job’s not easy, but I enjoy it a lot. We try to stick to contemporary work, switching up exhibits every month or so. You’re lucky you caught us during Monet. We’re having those shipped back to Paris soon”

Hyunjin nodded, hands slipping into his pockets, “Paris. Wow…”

“Actually I don’t have too much time, so I’m going to cut to the chase” She smiled, “The reason I asked Chan if I could meet you was…if you’d ever be interested, I wouldn’t be opposed to hosting an exhibition for your work”

His eyes widened, a surprised chuckle escaping him, “What? I’m literally just starting out. Experimenting…I don’t even have a specific art style yet or much original work…”

Karina shook her head as if all of that was an afterthought, “We already know it’ll be a hit. You’re very loved, especially in Seoul”

He couldn’t wrap his head around it. Why would an actual, real-life gallery ever want to exhibit his work? He barely had work to begin with! All he’d done was post a few artworks on his Instagram, and mentioned that he liked drawing in an interview, “But I’m not a professional, by any means, I just…do it because I enjoy it”

She smiled, “Precisely. It’d be nice to give new artists a voice. Sooner or later, some art gallery is going to snatch you up. I’d prefer if we were the first. There’s a lot of interest in you by the public. It’d be a loss to not display your work. If there’s anything I learnt from Kim Jieong it was—”

“Wait, you know Kim Jieong?” Hyunjin forgot his manners, interrupting her, especially in such an excitement, but he couldn’t help himself.

Karina laughed, eyes narrowing, “Are you a fan?”

“No, but my girlfr-“ Hyunjin stopped in his sentence, clearing his throat, and he could feel Chan’s gaze burn curiously into him, “Um…one of my friends is. He’s her favourite artist in the world”

“Well…I wouldn’t give him so much credit” Karina spoke, clutching the tablet tightly, “But yes, I used to intern with him earlier”

He was too straightforward, but he didn’t care, “Do you think you could help me get in touch with him? I’m sorry, I realise that’s a big favour and—”

Her expression changed, “I don’t know, Hyunjin. My relationship with Jieong…is complicated. But, if you’d really like maybe I could help you set up a meeting or something”

“Really?” His eyes lit up, and the conversation had completely sidetracked but it didn’t matter, “That would mean everything to me. Thank you”

“Of course. I can’t promise anything. This may be TMI, but he and I aren’t on the best terms. He is a wonderful artist though. I’ll give him that”

“Thank you, Karina” He smiled, genuinely. A security guard came up, tapping her on the shoulder. She nodded at him, and then looked back at Hyunjin, “I'm sorry I have to get going, there's been an incident involving a spill in the impressionist gallery …but the offer’s always up for the exhibition, by the way. Eunwoo could give you my contact details. I think you’d made a great addition to my portfolio, Hyunjin”

He smiled, but all he could focus on was that she knew Kim Jieong. Hope festered in his heart that maybe now he could finally get you the chance you deserved.

»»————-

The Hydrangeas bloomed beautifully on Hyunjin’s desk. He’d been drawing them all afternoon, and he looked forward to seeing their state change as he came home each night from work. It felt silly, but summer flowers reminded him of you. The vase needed fresh water, and he stopped sketching to go up to the kitchen and fill it up. The boys were gathered around the dining table, just about to head out to the studio, and Chan was preparing cocktails. Hyunijn switched on the water tap, absentmindedly watching the vase fill up, listening to their conversations. 

Karina still hadn’t got back to him, but he was holding onto hope. It had only been a week since their conversation after all. His days since then had been busy so he couldn't worry too much about it, occupied by schedules, he’d also managed to squeeze in time for himself now. It seemed like going back to his hometown had been genuinely helpful. It had fulfilled its purpose. He’d come back to work, feeling a new kick in energy and joie de vivre. There was hardly any sadness like before, and that's all Hyunjin could have asked for from his little vacation anyway.

Since his return, there had been some changes to the company too. He’d discovered a new library, hidden in their building, somewhere on the fourth floor, and he’d been frequenting it during his breaks. Every morning, he picked a new book to read and would fixate on it for the next week and a half. Barely any employees ever came to the library, other than HR sometimes, and it was a nice escape. He could imagine that you’d really love the library, full of nooks and crannies begging to be found and thousands of books aching to be read.

He discovered he had an affinity for poetry, and some poems never left his mind. There was one in particular by Kim Yong-Taek that occupied all the space in his head. 

눈 내리기 전에 / Before the snow falls,  한번 보고 싶습니다 / I would love to see you.

They felt real, as if they’d been written only for him, and shivers often ran up his skin as he stood reading them quietly, a deep ache in his heart at the familiarity of the words. It was crazy that something written hundreds of years ago could capture exactly what Hyunjin was feeling right now. He hoped he could make music that felt the same to others. The longing in his bones only got worse each day, and he was making a plan to fix it. Summer had been beautiful, even contending for his favourite season, but it was ending, and he would do anything to make autumn just as beautiful.

»»————-

Sleep clouded his vision, the song's melody blending with his drowsiness. It had been a week of rerecordings and they’d barely got any rest. Hyunjin tugged the headphones off, glancing at Chan through the observation window, “Was that a good take?”

Chan gave him a thumbs up through the window. His energy had been deflated too, but Hyunjin was hoping for a better response, “Are you sure? I can do another take. I think…it doesn’t sound as emotional as Jisung’s verse”

Hyunjin could only just about see Chan’s eyes, squinted over the mask he wore. The decision to cover his face was obvious; there was a little camera propped up in the studio, a way to film behind-the-scenes content for when the album finally released. Chan obviously didn’t want to be captured in this sleep-deprived state. Still, Hyunjin would have loved to see his expression, the microscopic changes in his face would tell him if he really loved the recording or not.

Chan nodded, weary eyes, “If you think you can do a better take, go for it, Hyunjin”

So he did, inhaling a breathful of air so he wouldn’t falter during his lines. He’d sounded too emotionless and mechanical and they were recording a love song. He had to pour his feelings into it, so he closed his eyes. The lyrics were embedded into his brain anyway. 

Chan began the backing track, and Hyunjin let his thoughts drift... They wandered into a familiar memory, one he usually saved for bedtime and when he was alone. His mind kept coming back to it. It was so fresh, but each day it was fading away, slipping out of his grasp and he felt the need to bottle up the memory and store it in a safe forever, where it would always be remembered. The twinkling fairy lights of the Château, the blue paint puddle on the floor, the paint you spilled on his shirt, the heated and frenzied first, second…and third kisses. The moment had been so short-lived. He had been so vulnerable that night. You’d seen him that night, truly seen him, and he still felt surprised at how much he’d divulged in you so easily. It was the realest he’d ever felt, like the rest of his life before and after was just a charade for his friends, for the cameras, for himself.

Maybe it was only with you that he was the real Hyunjin. The teasing and laughs over the chocolate strawberries and paint easels had been second nature and strangely familiar, like it wasn’t your first time doing this together, as if you had both been falling into patterns and habits of centuries ago. The most innocent actions felt crude, and cruel. Crude to kiss your cheek but not take it further. Cruel to give in to a desire he could never fulfil. Maybe every other moment in his life had been fabricated except for that night, that would explain why he was the happiest then. 

“Shit…what was that?” A voice interrupted him. Hyunjin snapped open his eyes to see Chan staring at him in disbelief. The backing track had gone onto the next verse now. He cleared his throat, “Um. Sorry I….spaced out. Let me record that again”

“Are you kidding me? That’s the best take you’ve ever given us” Chan laughed, in disbelief, stepping into the recording booth, “You sold that to me completely, Fuck. You almost made me tear up. You should do more ballads, Jinnie. That was amazing”

Hyunjin blinked at him, holding onto his headphones tightly, so unaware of himself, “I…I didn’t realise it was that good”

“Come on. Listen to it” Chan grabbed his arm, leading him out, and replaying what had just been recorded. Hyunjin almost didn’t recognise himself singing. He’d never sang like this before. Goosebumps rippled up his arms and neck, and he looked at Chan, “You’re right. That one turned out…really good”

“Damn. You can convince the audience that you’ve lived a thousand lives, been through a hundred heartbreaks. You convinced me. That was so real”

Hyunjin’s lips tugged into a smile, and he pushed his hands in his sweatshirt pockets, “It felt real to me too”

Chan wrapped up the recording, and then happily turned the company camera off, “Do you know what this means, Jinnie?”

“What?” Hyunjin asked, grateful they weren’t being recorded anymore. 

Chan stepped closer to him, a growing smile on his face, “We fucking finished this album, baby”

»»————-

Hyunjin was changing the water in the vase. He’d been desperately trying to keep the Hydrangeas alive, but that had been a failing task. So he’d found some time to buy some Cosmos, hoping he could draw them instead. It was almost autumn now, and the flower in bloom had changed, so he kept trying to adjust to it. It was harder than he thought. Chan's voice distracted him, “Are you coming to dinner with us? We’re thinking of trying that new Italian place”. Hyunjin looked up at him, “Shit. Is it okay if I bail? I was going to call Y/N later tonight. She wanted to paint together”

His eyebrows shot up, a small smile on his face, “Paint together? Is that a euphemism?”

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, switching the water tap off, “No. It's obviously not”

“Wouldn’t you love if it was?” Jisung smirked at him, walking into the kitchen. It seemed like all their serious, and unserious conversations often took place in this kitchen, their one common space. Chan laughed, “So how long will your paint date last? Should we bring you any takeout pizza?”

Hyunjin shrugged, glancing at the clock, “No, that’s okay, I’m not hungry. It’ll last a few hours maybe. Next week we’re going to be so busy with the press tour, I was hoping to finish a whole painting tonight. It’s easier if I’m doing it with her. I’m just more motivated then”

“There’s a word for that, you know?” Chan leaned forward on the counter, a teasing smile on his face, “She’s your proper muse”

Hyunjin laughed, not expecting him to say that, but he had been thinking about it. After all, that’s what had made the recordings so much easier. He was singing with you in mind. He denied it, “That’s really cheesy, even for you, Chan…”

“Eh, but it’s true. You should tell her that tonight”

Hyunjin smiled, already imagining your reaction to such a thing. He wouldn’t even know how he’d bring it up. Wouldn’t it be too much? Would you be embarrassed? He could recall all the times he’d catch you off guard with his compliments back in Daejon, your expression as if he’d said the most insane thing ever when Hyunjin was just appreciating you. Fuck. He really needed to see that reaction in person again. 

Every perfect summer memory only added to the weight of his longing in fall, and he decided it was time, “I’m gonna invite her to come to Seoul”

Changbin stood across the hall, having just come out of his room to catch the last bit of conversation. His eyebrows shot up, “You are…?”

Hyunjin swallowed, catching the boys' reactions as he revealed the plan, “I just bought the train tickets for her this morning, and while she's here she can stay in an apartment I rented out for her. It’s a few blocks away from ours, so she’s close enough to me, without it being suspicious”

Jisung frowned, “But if you rented it, your name would go down in the record”

“No, I already thought of that. I asked to use my aunt’s credit card, and she’s not a Hwang, so there won’t be any trace back to me”

Jisung leaned back in his chair, “You really thought of everything, huh? No loopholes?”

“No loopholes” Hyunjin nodded, hoping they’d approve of it because something like this would put them all under scrutiny and risk, “Well, as long as she says yes”

“Why wouldn’t she?” Changbin frowned, crossing his arms, “If I was her, I’d jump at the chance”

“Yeah, I know you would. There’s an apprenticeship she wanted in the city…but she didn’t get it yet. She may not want to come here anymore…in case it reminds her of that”

“Is there any chance she can still get it?”

Hyunjin shrugged, placing his palms on the counter as he thought over it, “I don’t know how it works. I’m trying to figure it out”

Chan sighed, seeing his dilemma, “Hey, if it’s in the stars…she’ll get it. She seems talented enough from what you tell me about her”

“She’s hellbent on believing she can’t get it. I’m going to try to convince her to apply again. It’s kind of frustrating. Without connections, it’s so hard to make anything out of it. I mean, when we were at the gallery, you introduced me to Karina. It was so easy. She saw my work, and immediately agreed to a fucking exhibition. Sometimes it feels kind of unfair. What did I do to deserve that? I know there are hundreds of artists better than me who should be getting exhibitions, but…I’m getting it just because I’m famous. It feels weird and privileged”

Chan sighed, “Hyun…I know what you mean, but…it’s unfortunately how things are. And it’s not like you’re misusing this. The fact that you recognise it in the first place is sometimes all we can do”

Hyunjin let out an exhale, staring off into the distance, when his phone pinged. It was a text from you.

hey! im all set up here. ready when you are :)

Chan grinned, handing him a cocktail he’d just made, “Go on then. We’ll head to dinner and we’ll see you tomorrow, okay?”

Hyunjin smiled, rushing back to his room. In anticipation of this call, he’d already set up his work area. Ever since he’d been back, he hadn’t gotten too much time talking to you, so he would make the most of it. He set his glass down next to his MacBook, and laid out his canvas. Through the computer screen, he could see a glimpse of your room, which was messier than his. It had more personality, and it was more lived in. He realised he’d never had a chance to come to your place. He had a sudden urge to see how you set up your room and things, your little knick-knacks, the big teddy he won for you, your artwork curated over years. But from hundreds of miles of away, he could only see a little square of your life. You were biting down on a chip when he spoke, “I think you’re going to love the song I’m working on with Chan”

Your face changed, lighting up, “Yeah?” 

The connection wasn’t great, so all your responses were delayed, but Hyunjin hummed, proud, “It’s…a sexy, contemporary kind of R&B. I can imagine you liking it”

“When can I hear it?” 

He laughed at your eagerness, “We’re still writing it”

You nodded, going back to painting. He would surprise you soon with the ticket he bought you to Seoul, but he wanted to build up to it. Perhaps he could do a grand gesture, or leave you little hints to keep you wondering. He could only imagine how happy you’d be. He could show you his favourite places in the city, introduce you to the boys and you could finally see his life, in all it’s glory. It only felt fair after you’d let him into yours so warmly. He had fit into your life in town so easily, a puzzle piece falling into place, and he hoped he could make it the same for you. Obviously, there’d be less freedom, more restrictions but at least you wouldn’t be a stranger to his lifestyle anymore. Hyunjin took a moment to sip his drink, staring at his own work. getting the courage to say it, “Can I say something cheesy?”

“Yeah?”

He leaned over the webcam, so he could be infinitesimally closer to you, cheeks reddening, “When I get stuck in the middle of the writing process, I think of you, and it really helps”

He watched as you sat on your knees, curious, “What do you think about?”

He flushed, regretting how this made him sound so romantic when he wasn't trying to be, “You know…just our time together. Chan teases me about it. He says you’re my muse or whatever”

He saw your eyes widen, and a deep emotion overwhelmed you. He didn’t see you react more, and he wondered what this meant to you, what he meant to you right now, even so far away. You didn't say anything back. You must be holding it all in, just like him. Maybe you didn’t know how to put your thoughts into words. He couldn't blame you. Even after reading all the poems in the world, Hyunjin didn’t have the words either. Not enough anyway.

»»————-

It was supposed to be an informal gathering to celebrate the album, but it felt more like a full-fledged party. Their manager’s apartment had been completely transformed, no empty floor space as everybody from the company had gathered around for a hurrah. Hyunjin had a few drinks in his system already, enough to get him really going. He stood away from the crowd, tucked into a corner, phone pulled out, typing in a ridiculously cheesy message to you. The party was great, and he was so happy to have finished the album. All that was missing was you. The text started sounding far too cheesy, inspired by the love rot that the poetry books had filled in his brain, and slowly, it became more and more unhinged. The wine Chan brought must have got to his head, but he couldn't stop, all of his thoughts pouring out in a mixture of sentences that didn't really make any sense.

I want you here with me at this party. Fuck, it’s so dull without you. If you were here, we could just sneak off and…I would kiss you. Positively. My manager is here, the scary one, but he doesn’t have to know. Earlier, I was reading a book and there was an English word in it that reminded me of you. Saudade. I looked it up because I was so curious and it said it’s a state of melancholy for a beloved someone or something. I think that explains this ridiculous feeling I have when I think of you. I have it even when I’m not thinking of you. Like last week, when we were recording this one song. It’s like you’re here with me in everything. I guess what I’m saying is, I just want to kiss you really really badly and fuck I’m really drunk so I’m sorry for how this may sound but I just really need to feel you—

The phone was snatched from his hands, Changbin squinting to read the message, “Who are you texting in the middle of our party?”

Hyunjin flushed red. He was really drunk but he still noticed their manager to the side, and hushed, “Keep your voice down, Binnie”

He looked up, eyes wide, “Is this your idea of a sext?”

“What? no— it’s not a sext. I’m not sexting, what the hell”

“You’re like…weirdly poetic when you’re drunk”

Hyunjin closed his eyes, “Just…give me that”

He deleted the message. 

It was a bad idea to be sending you drunk messages anyway. He should just call you instead. Yeah. That sounded like a smarter, much better idea. Before he could dial your number, Changbin pulled him to the living room, and Hyunjin let himself be tugged along. Jisung was standing shirtless there, liquid smeared down his chest and abs. He was laughing, hair all messed up, clearly very tipsy, “Come on! Who’s next?”

Hyunjin did not intend to be a part of whatever this was, but Changbin pushed him ahead, “He’s up” But they were surrounded by company employees. Even the girl from the art gallery, Karina, was here and he flushed from the embarrassment. “I don’t even know what we’re doing” Hyunjin chuckled nervously, as Changbin hoisted him up over the table, handing him a quick shot to get the nerves out. Hyunjin downed it in a single sip, the liquid burning his throat. The state of his sobriety stopped him from protesting too much, until Jisung explained, “Body shots, of course. Pick your contender, Jinnie”

Hyunjin’s eyes widened, looking around the bunch of people, none of whom he felt comfortable touching him, but he saw a few of the women shy away, “I…I don’t know”

“I’ll do it” Chan laughed, stepping ahead from the crowd, “If that’s okay with you”

Jisung certainly seemed to have enjoyed it, and he wanted to give it a shot. He could be chill with this, but he would definitely blame the alcohol in him for how easily he went down on the table, and how easily he let Chan unbutton his black shirt. The overhead lights were too bright and Hyunjin closed his eyes, and his head was spinning. The music was pounding in his ears, the marble countertop cold to his back.

“I can’t believe I’m doing this” He laughed to himself, swept up in the environment as Changbin dripped tequila over his stomach. The chill liquid tickled him and he immediately squirmed, sending a shiver down his spine. He felt embarrassed for his reaction. Clearly, he was a novice to this party celebration, but he was also enjoying the attention.

“You ready, Jinnie?” Chan asked, looking up at him with a comforting smile. Chan was definitely drunk too in order to pull a stunt like this in front of the employees. They were absolutely loving it though and he could hear them all cheer them on. They never got to see the members in a more unprofessional environment than this one, and Hyunjin hoped none of them changed their opinion of him after this. He gave a quick thumbs up, facing the ceiling as he felt Chan’s mouth near his stomach. He sucked in a breath in anticipation, cheeks flushing from all this attention. He was used to people’s eyes on him, but this was so different and intimate. Somehow, his self-conscious part disappeared just as Chan licked a stripe of tequila up Hyunjin’s torso. He squirmed, a giggle escaping at the ticklish feeling, and Chan held him down, hand on his thigh, laughing, “Stop moving! You’ll get it on the table!”

Hyunjin stilled with the threat of ruining their manager’s table, eyes still closed as Chan finished licking the rest up until his chest, and his stomach was in knots. He couldn’t help but imagine this situation differently. Would you have partaken in this with him? How would that have looked like? If it was you doing this to him, instead of Chan? The little party activity would definitely have turned into something else by the end of it…and he knows he definitely would not be able to resist, not when your tongue was on his stomach and you were so close to him. The image sent a rush of blood through his body, thoughts that he should definitely not be indulging in when his best friend was doing body shots off him, and Hyunjin immediately sat up, bumping his head right into Chan’s. “Ouch!” Chan exclaimed, clutching his forehead, “Careful, Jin!”

“Um, sorry” He swallowed, jumping off the counter, embarrassment lingering from how he'd stupidly turned himself on in front of everyone he knew, “I felt sick”

“No worries” Chan laughed, oblivious to his friend's thoughts, patting his shoulder as everybody around them continued cheering them on, “You did good”

Hyunjin walked away, feeling sticky now, and he tried to wipe off the remaining with a kitchen towel. If it was you, he would have let you go all the way, until every stripe of tequila was gone from his body. And then some more.

He buttoned his shirt up again, hands shaking from the buzz, blood rushing to the parts that needed his attention. He needed to hear your voice. You didn’t even know he was at this party. It was so inconvenient to be so far away, trying to convey all that he felt through a mere text or phone call. He stood to the side, shaky fingers pulling up your contact until he heard your voice on the other end. “Guess what?” Hyunjin grinned.

“What?” Your voice was soft on the other end, so calm, grounding him in his drunkenness. A stark contrast to the lively atmosphere of his party and he could think straight again. Hyunjin smiled, “We finished the album. Like, for real. Every track is actually ready. We’re at my manager’s apartment, all of us, and the whole crew. It feels so fucking good”

He felt excited to hear your reaction. He was grinning ear to ear, as you congratulated him. He’d heard that today many times, but hearing it from you was incomparable. You were proud of him. He giggled, stumbling out of the hallway, blood rushing to his head, “Jisung made me drink…far too much. I liked the wine, though; Chan found it in this cool store, but then me and Binnie…we did body shots, and guess what? Chan fucking did body shots too! It was so insane. He also invited the girl from the art gallery, which is so funny. Apparently, she has connections in our industry too. She’s the daughter of —” 

“Wait, you did body shots?” You interrupted him.

Hyunjin nodded, walking around, trying to avoid anybody being able to pick up on his conversation. So many people were in this tiny apartment, and he wished he had more peace and quiet to talk to you. “It was insane. Just like Seungmin told us”

“I…can’t hear you, Hyun” You spoke.

“Sorry” He apologised, walking off towards the balcony, “Can you hear me now?”

“Yeah, I can”

“Fuck. I miss you so fucking much” He mumbled, voice dropping, and the rest of this party was fading from his vision, tunnel vision to you and your voice on the other end, “Why aren’t you here?”

Hyunjin thinks the only way he can stop missing you is if you start visiting him in your dreams. He wonders what sorcery he needs to do for that to happen. Could he visit you in your dreams? So you never grow apart, and find each other every single night. “I miss you too….but you should get back to the party—”

Hyunjin failed to notice Changbin creeping up on him, taking the phone away, “Whoa, whoa, whoa. Is that Y/N?”

“Give me the phone back, Changbin!” Hyunjin sighed, all his poetic declarations disappearing into the void. At this point, he thinks he needs to maintain another diary just to write all the things he wishes to say to you but never does.

“Hey!” Changbin was talking to you, “You must be the girl who stole him away from us for months and months. I have every reason to hate you”

“Stop!” Hyunjin exclaimed, realising their managers stood nearby and the commotion had caught their ears, “Don’t announce it to the entire party.” Changbin laughed, “So tell me, on a scale of 1 to 10—”

“Changbin, give me my phone back!” Hyunjin tried to grab it.

“Let me finish!” Changbin laughed. Hyunjin’s head began to ache when he saw Jisung approach their chaos, “Fuck. Is that her?”

“Jisung, can you please ask him to give me my phone back?” He sounded like a broken record, like all his primary functions had ceased and wouldn’t function until he heard your voice again. “Is that Hyunjin’s girlfriend?” Jisung asked, loudly. It was loud enough that their managers heard it, ears perking up and glancing at Hyunjin. One of their managers, Eunwoo raised an eyebrow, tilting his head. This was the first he’d heard of this, and goosebumps rippled up Hyunjin’s neck at what this could mean.

His voice dropped, stepping back towards his meddling friends, “Stop, Jisung. She’s just my friend. How many times do I have to say that, and don’t announce it to the party!”

“Then I can have her?” Changbin interrupted, oblivious to his surroundings. Hyunjin yanked the phone back, and he was pissed, but he wouldn’t blame them. They were only messing about. He let out a breath, “Hey, I’m so sorry. They…took you hostage”

Your voice sounded far away, resigned, “That’s okay. Don’t worry about it. You should enjoy the party, Hyun” Panic built up in his throat at the thought of you leaving, “No, no, I called you because I missed you”

“I can’t really even hear you,” You said, crushing his heart and soul to irreparable pieces. Maybe he was being dramatic, but perhaps he needed you to breathe, “We can just talk tomorrow. Please just have a good time tonight, okay?”

Hyunjin was ready to protest, bear his heart out to keep you a little while longer. What was the point of celebrating his success if he couldn't share it with you right now? Isn't that why he'd pushed himself so hard this time? So he could impress you with all the songs he'd written with only you in mind. He’d leave the party if he had to, just so you wouldn’t go. Before he could declare his insanity of wanting to talk to you, Eunwoo stepped closer to him. His eyes were narrowed, a tell-tale sign, disapproving head tilt. Hyunjin had lost the opportunity, and he said, “All right. I’ll call you later”

With no qualms about destroying the party's vibe, Eunwoo asked curiously, “Who are you talking to?”

“Nobody” Hyunjin panicked, hanging up. He shoved the phone into his pocket, and it burned into him. Eunwoo sighed, “I heard Jisung mention a girlfriend. Is there something you want to share?”

He shook his head, unease settling into him or maybe he was just about to throw the fuck up, “Can we…not talk about this right now? I mean, we’re at a party”

Eunwoo stared at him, as if dissecting all of Hyunjin's deepest, darkest secrets, gaze burning through him. Then he nodded with a smile, “Of course, Hyunjin. You should celebrate”

Hyunjin’s nerves calmed down and he began walking away. Maybe now he could return to enjoying the rest of the night.  But of course, Eunwoo stopped him, hand over his shoulder “We’ll talk about it first thing in the morning though. I want to see you seven AM, in my office”

Hyunjin suppressed a groan, bile rising up his throat at what this could possibly mean, “Oh. Okay”

Eunwoo patted his shoulder, before walking back to the party, “Don’t be late, Hwang”

»»————-

He definitely didn’t feel human stepping into the office, a mere three hours later. He hadn’t got any sleep. He had just enough time to head home, shower, and wipe the remnants of tequila off his stomach before heading here. The body shots didn’t sound like a great idea now. His shirt was sticky and ruined. His head hurt, and he was surprised that Eunwoo wasn’t hungover. He’d probably gouged on hangover soup last night, and he sat in a crisp suit-and-tie across the table. He looked up at him, cheery smile, “Morning, Hwang”

Hyunjin sat in the uncomfortable office chair, squinting against the lights that hurt his sensitive eyes, “Good morning…”

“Did you have a good time at the party last night?”

Hyunjin nodded, putting on a smile, “Yes. It was nice”

Eunwoo was their nicest manager, he’s the only reason Hyunjin had been able to go back home and he certainly liked him the most. He was miles better than Kim Soohyun, the guy who basically decided Hyunjin’s life. But now…it seemed like Eunwoo had been sent by his higher-ups to sweet-talk Hyunjin, “You certainly seemed to enjoy it, but sadly, I didn’t see too much of you. We would have liked to get a drink with you”

“Ah, I was with the boys most of the night” He answered. Could this meeting not have been an email? His head was pounding and he couldn’t focus on anything.

Eunwoo tilt his head, picking up on his irritation, “Say it. Whatever’s on your mind”

“No disrespect. I…just don’t understand why we need to talk about this right now”

“Why? Because it’s a Sunday and most people don’t have to go to work today, or because you drank too much last night?” He laughed, leaning back in his chair. There was a stress ball in his hands and Eunwoo kept tossing it back and forth. 

Hyunjin bit his lip, “No, I’m fine. I’m just a bit tired”

“Because it may be a day off for everyone in the country, but not for you. I’m sure you’re aware of that. After all, superstars don’t get to where they are by slacking off”

Hyunjin frowned, “I understand. Is there a specific reason you wanted to see me today?”

Eunwoo put down the stress ball in his hands, expression suddenly turning serious, “Look, kid. If I could turn a blind eye to this, I would. Trust me. I hate doing this as much as you hate hearing it, but Kim Soohyun was at the party too. He overheard things. I’m accountable to him, and you’re accountable to me”

Hyunjin sank into his seat, “So…am I in trouble or something?”

Eunwoo clasped his hands, “Depends…did you do something to get you into trouble?”

“No, I didn’t, Eunwoo”

He leaned forward on the desk, hands folded under his chin, “There was quite a lot of talk about a girlfriend last night. You never mentioned that to me”

Hyunjin let out a sigh, “There’s no girlfriend. The boys were dicking around”

Eunwoo gave him a tight-lipped smile, “Then, who were you talking to? On the phone when I saw you? Surely your parents wouldn't be awake that late”

“Just…a friend from back home. They’re not important”

“Look, Hyunjin. I hate to pry. Your personal life is entirely yours but not when it concerns your image or the company, or god forbid, the media. If you are dating somebody, you have to let me know so I can be prepared for when it eventually gets out to the media”

Hyunjin’s head began to hurt exponentially more and maybe he should never have called you last night, “I’m not dating anybody, Eunwoo”

Eunwoo nodded. Clearly, he didn’t believe him. He’d known and managed Hyunjin for years. He'd known him since he was fifteen. He could see right through him and wished he was a better liar. “You’re gonna have to give me more than that”

Hyunjin sighed, sitting up straighter as if that could convince him better, “She’s just an old friend, from back home”

Eunwoo raised an eyebrow, and then leaned back in his chair, “Okay, I’ll believe you. I hope you’ve already passed along the contract to her”

He frowned, “What, the NDA? I’m not dating her, why does she have to sign it?”

“Well yes, you’re not, but clearly you and her are close if you’re drunk calling her from a work party. She could have the wrong idea, if she goes around telling people a different story…that’ll be a problem”

“She is not going to tell anyone”

“You don’t know what girls can be capable of to get fame. An argument with you, if someone bribes her, if she sees any opportunity, she could go to the media—”

“Y/N is not like that” Hyunjin interrupted, a surge of bitterness ripping through at the assumptions.

Eunwoo’s eyebrows shot up, “Y/N…that’s her name”

He wished he could take back that information. It was too late. He released a breath, “Look, you’re not making her sign any contracts. We’re not romantically involved. There are no legal obligations. Am I not even allowed to have fucking friends anymore?”

Eunwoo closed his eyes, “Don’t get angry on me, Hyunjin. You’re not stupid. This is how it’s been for years. The rules won’t change for you. It’s going to be difficult to manage these rumors after you already took half a year off to yourself and with Jisung’s trial and Chan and Kairi’s…whatever the hell they’re doing. You say you’re not dating this girl, I’m going to trust you on that. But if at any point that changes or the girl goes to the news, the company will have to step in. For example, she talks to somebody about her…special friendship with you. Kim Soohyun won’t think twice before suing her for defamation”

Hyunjin saw red, and he clenched his fists as to not react. Defamation? “I get it, Eunwoo”

He nodded, putting a document on the table and sliding it to him, “If anything changes, you have to let me know. I have to be ready to release a statement”

“What, a statement…for what?” Hyunjin stared at the files. An NDA and a press release statement. This was absolutely insane. Nothing had even happened, and they were preparing for the worst case scenario. No, they were waiting for it. 

“You’ve been in this industry long enough, Hwang. We must inform the public and fanbase…if you’re in a relationship. If we keep it to ourselves and it gets out anyway, the backlash would be immense. Now, don’t worry. We can always try to keep her identity secret if you’re worried about her safety and with threats and everything, but—”

Hyunjin stood up in panic, blood rushing to his head, “That’s not happening. There’s not gonna be any threats to her…or announcements”

Eunwoo looked up at him, blinking blankly, “Okay… I appreciate the sentiment but that’s not entirely in your hands. The press tour starts today. All eyes are going to be on the four of you. The whole damn country is talking about you, Hyunjin. We can’t afford a scandal. Kim Soohyun has me in a tight grip. I have faith in you that nothing happens to throw that off”

He swallowed, nails digging into his palm from his emotions, “Yeah. It won’t”

Clearly, his plans of bringing you to the city to visit him were down the fucking drain. He’d be lucky if he could even get a phone call with you anymore. 

“Also if you’re using the company phone to stay in contact with her, I suggest you change that. It shouldn’t be traced back to us”

Hyunjin nodded, and he wasn’t even dating you but the worst was already happening. This was what he’d feared the whole time. There was no point. There was a bitter taste in his mouth and he asked, “Is that going to be all?”

Eunwoo nodded, “You should take these documents with you, just in case. HR were happy to print them out for me this morning. They also told me you’ve been hanging out in the romance section a lot in the company library”

So he had absolutely no privacy anymore either. Hyunjin snatched the folder, carelessly holding the files in his hand, with no intention of ever using them. He wouldn’t let the press statement or NDA document anywhere near you. In fact, they’d be tossed in the trash as soon as he was home. He headed for the door and couldn’t get out of there fast enough. He needed to decompress. He couldn’t show up to practice this pissed and this wound up. He’d explode, and the boys didn’t deserve that. 

Eunwoo’s voice stopped him, “Oh, and congratulations, Hyunjin”

Hyunjin turned around, gripping the doorknob in blind fury. It felt like a taunt, a joke. There was nothing to congratulate him for. He couldn’t even keep his friends close without it exploding into a big deal. What did he even have to be grateful for? He looked right at Eunwoo, and his lack of sleep made him more irritable, “For…what?”

Eunwoo smiled warmly, his entire demeanour changing, “The album pre-sales are the biggest we’ve ever seen. You’re a global superstar now. You should feel very, very lucky, kid"

»»————-

“Can you stand still for me, please?” The assistant responsible for touching up Hyunjin’s face asked. He nodded, letting her put rosy tint on his cheeks, blending it with the contour. He’d been here for what easily felt like hours, and through the mirror he could see that Changbin was just about done with his makeup. 

The week leading up to the release was always the hardest. Somebody tugged at his hair and he resisted the urge to grimace. They didn’t deserve his terrible mood; they were only doing their job. The hairstylist apologised, noticing Hyunjin’s sour expression, “Sorry. Eunwoo said we need to get started on your hair right now; the other boys are already ready.” Hyunjin nodded, letting himself be manhandled by three different women as they struggled to put his hair into braids, “Have you been using the product we gave you?”

“Hmm?”

“Your hair’s thinning out, especially the bleached roots” The lady mumbled, disappointed.

“Yeah, I have” Truthfully he’d forgotten, a grave mistake for someone in his industry, but he’d been too caught up in everything else. His stomach rumbled and he hadn’t had time to grab breakfast this morning, so he looked around until he spotted one of their assistants, “Rowoon, could you please get me some honey butter chips—”

“Stay still, please” The makeup assistant repeated. Hyunjin straightened up, speaking through his teeth, “…or ramyeon?”

Rowoon looked at him through the mirror, eyebrows shooting up, “Um. Are you sure? You have a pre-recording tomorrow”

“I…haven’t eaten since last night” Hyunjin replied.

“Last time you ate it…your face got pretty swollen, and you were pretty beat up about not looking great in the music show” Rowoon said, grimly smiling.

Hyunjin nodded, gut hurting at that memory of his swollen face, “Right. Never mind. Forget it. Thank you”

“How long are we filming for today?” Jisung asked, adjusting his headset in the back. Rowoon looked between them, “Well, you guys are booked until 4 PM”

Hyunjin’s eyebrows shot up, and he glanced at his phone. 6:43 am. Fuck.

Changbin walked by, patting Hyunjin on the shoulder, slipping toffees into his palm, “That’ll fill you up before the interviews”. The candy looked less than appetising, but it was his only option, and he reached to eat some, just as the lady stopped him to apply lip tint to his mouth. Today was going to be a long fucking day.

They were almost done with his hair, braiding it at the top of his head, secured with glitter barrettes. It was an elaborate hairstyle, and he feared he’d ruin it if he moved. It was like walking on eggshells, like his slightest touch would crumble things. Well, everything already seemed to be crumbling. Hyunjin hadn’t been in the best of moods since his talk with Eunwoo, and the possibilities of how everything could go wrong loomed over him. The worst he’d feared for was already happening, things set in motion and no matter what he did, he couldn’t stop it from worsening. The company knew your name. They knew of your existence. They’d already restricted him. There’s no way in hell Hyunjin would be able to bring you to Seoul, much less meet you in this city without a hundred documents or cameras being thrown at you. Slowly, all his happiness that had been built up carefully and precisely, was turning into bitterness.

“Have you seen Chan?” Rowoon asked, in the reflection of the vanity mirror. Hyunjin shook his head. He’d been sitting on this chair for forty five minutes straight. How the hell would he know where Chan was? The hunger and frustration was getting to him, and he shook his head, calming himself down.

“May I go now?” He looked up at the hair assistant.

She nodded, “Just no quick movements. The hairspray is still settling in”

Now that he could properly look at himself, it looked good. Having longer hair always set him at the mercy of experimentation for new styles, and often crazy accessories. He smiled at them, pushing the chair back to stand, “Of course. Thank you so much for your hard work. It’s beautiful”

In other circumstances, he’d snap a picture and send you, but…he’d been on eggshells with you too. Inadvertently, the conversation with Eunwoo had created distance. Hyunjin hated that because none of this was your fault. You shouldn’t be subject to this silence from him, but he was constantly looking over his shoulder, paranoid that he’d be caught and it was getting tiring. His carelessness at the party had led to this. He wanted to fully blame himself for not having any self-control when he drunk called you. Yet, a part of him knew that even without the doomed phone call, somehow everybody would have found out anyway. It was only a matter of time. Things never stayed stable for too long in his life.

He walked into the hallway, hoping to find an empty room. There were usually a few reserved for stage props. He could have a few moments to himself, just to talk to you. That could calm him down, and he could apologise for his distance. He didn’t know how he’d begin to explain what was happening to you. To anybody else, it’d seem like he was pushing you away and he hoped you understood that it was never his intention.

A door was ajar, sliver of light leaking out into the hallway. He stopped in his tracks, familiar voices inside. He didn’t meant to eavesdrop, but they were so loud, “What do you want me to say? I’m doing absolutely everything I can! Jisung’s trial is already—”

“Don’t bring Jisung into this…” Kairi’s exasperated voice interrupted, “What’s going on with him is different. You always do this, Chris! Why are you making this your problem?”

“I’m sorry? They’re my bandmates. They’re my friends. Of course I’m going to take their burden!”

“Jisung is an adult, he’s perfectly capable of—“

“I made a promise to all of them, Kairi. I’m not jumping ship when they need me the most” Chan sounded so frustrated.

She groaned, “I’m not asking you to jump ship. But Chris you haven’t slept in three fucking days! You’re…barely eating. This is not living”

Hyunjin didn’t know that, and his blood ran cold at the information as Chan replied, “This isn’t your problem Kairi. It’s…my problem to deal with. I have to make sacrifices—”

“I had to quit my job because of you, Chris!” She trailed off, Hyunjin’s eyes widened, and he flinched at the aggressive tone. He wasn’t new to their arguments, especially over the last month, but none were like this. This felt like the culmination of something that had been building for months, even years. Kairi was always so sweet, and her volume returned to normal, “I mean…I had to quit because of us. I made sacrifices too. So yes, it is my problem”

Chan’s voice dropped, “Well, I don’t want you to make sacrifices for me”

“That’s what people do when they love each other. I’m sorry but that’s just a reality you’re going to have to accept Chris”

“Do we…have to talk about this now? The interviews start soon, and I can’t focus on them—” 

“I’m so worried about you, Channie. I don’t know how you’re going to make it through the morning”

Chan groaned, “I don’t know either, but I have to do it for the boys. I can’t…let them down”

Hyunjin’s chest ached now, a different kind of pain settling in. Why were they all making sacrifices for each other? They were only in their twenties, pushing for their dreams; this instability shouldn’t be normal.

Kairi sighed, “See, that’s exactly the problem. Why do you always take the blame for everything? Even when Hyunjin was gone, you made it your mission to do damage control for him. Not everything has to be your burden”

At the mention of his name, he really should walk away and learn to mind his own business, but he couldn’t help but overhear, feet rooted to the floor as Chan’s voice softened with a new desperation and frustration, “They mean everything to me. You know that”

“They do to me too, Chris. I know this is a horrible time”

“Hyunjin?” He heard Jisung’s voice call for him in the hallway. He needed to head back. An entire press and interview team was waiting for them, only a few rooms over and if he listened any further, he’d be in no state of mind to answer questions. But of course as he stepped away, he picked up on the last bit of conversation, “Did you know HR gave Hyunjin the papers?” Chan laughed bitterly, “They’re already prepared for the worst”

Kairi sighed, and he could hear her footsteps as she moved closer to Chan. Only dread filled his stomach as he heard the next sentence out of her mouth, “That’s their job. You have to not make it your problem this time, Chan, I’m…so worried about your health. And that’s Hyunjin’s responsibility. He knew what he was getting into when he started seeing her. It was bound to happen. It always does.”

Hyunjin didn’t stick around to hear Chan’s response.

He had heard enough.

»»————-

“Hyun, can I come see you?”

The question was expected, but Hyunjin was shocked when you said it anyway. He froze, choking at his words. A few days ago, he would have been overjoyed at this. After all, he’d already bought the tickets and made all the arrangements for you to come see him, but…things had changed. It was too risky. He didn’t have the heart to tell you about his conversation with Eunwoo. What was the point after all? Hyunjin let out an awkward fucking chuckle, “W-what?”

“Um, sorry that sounds out of nowhere. I just…I really want to meet you. I miss you, and it sounds like you’re going through a lot. Maybe it’ll help.” Your voice was far away, drenched in longing.

It wasn’t out of nowhere, it was only what Hyunjin had been planning since forever. But nothing went to his fucking plans, “I…I’m not sure, Y/N”

Your voice deflated, disappointed, “Yeah?”

His heart broke, but it had become increasingly clear that it would be the dumbest idea ever to have you come visit. If anybody saw them…if anything got out…he wasn’t prepared to deal with that, “Yeah. Fuck, I’m so sorry but I…I don’t think I can meet you. Right now, with everything that’s going on, I honestly don’t have the time and…”

“Yeah. I understand” Of course you understood, no matter how shitty Hyunjin kept behaving. For once, he wished you’d actually yell at him.

“I’m sorry” He swallowed, and he could feel the life being sucked out of him.

Your response was sweet as usual, “It’s okay. It’s bad timing”

“It’s bad timing” He repeated, and Hyunjin suddenly had a horrible feeling that maybe this was the last straw. Things had slipped out of his control. Soon, eventually, you would too.

»»————-

The seasons were changing, but flowers bloomed all year long in Seoul, and so Hyunjin had prepared early. He’d bought the Camellia seeds so he could grow winter flowers on his own, and see their life unfold before his eyes. Even if everything else seemed to be falling apart, at least he could try to be consistent and paint his feelings away. The yellow falling leaves and orange tree cover taken over the city inspired his many paintings. Usually, you’d send him pictures of every little detail from back home, especially of changing landscapes and beautiful natural sights of town, but you hadn't shared anything the past week. He wondered what autumn would look like in Daejon. Now that his conversations with you were thinning out, he had an irrational fear that he’d never find out. 

“Everything okay?”

“Sorry?” Hyunjin snapped out of it, and Changbin looked at him, concerned. “You’re in your head again. Is something bothering you?”

Hyunjin squeezed his eyes shut, and sighed, “No, I’m good”

Changbin clearly wasn’t convinced, because his expression softened, and he reached a hand out, “Hey, why don’t you go wait in the car? I’ll bring the Americano out to you”

But he was so past being taken care of or worried about. So Hyunjin shook his head. The idea of waiting in the car sounded absolutely horrible right now. He needed fresh air, and he was perfectly capable of getting his own cup of coffee.

“No, I got this. Why don’t you let me get this for us?” Hyunjin asked, pushing his hands deeper into his jacket pockets. It was getting colder by the day, and even in this temperature-controlled cafe, he was cold to the bone. Changbin grinned, shooting him a cheesy wink, “Well, I’ll never say no to being treated by you”

A smile tugged at Hyunjin’s lips. Changbin could find the brevity in each situation. Hyunjin walked up to the cashier, placing an order for their usual. “Could I have two coffees, black, please?” He asked. The cashier, a girl probably in her 20s, smiled wide at Hyunjin, “Is that all?”

He glanced at the pastry counter, and everything looked so appetising. Yet he was on a diet and couldn’t afford to do this. Everybody would be so disappointed in him, “No, that’s all”

“Sorry, but do…I know you?” She asked, punching in his order. Hyunjin’s brows shot up, and he thought he’d concealed his identity enough with the hat, but clearly the rest of his expensive outfit was a dead give-away that was he was some big shot. They had another schedule after this, so they were dressed up and he was draped head-to-toe in luxury items, “Um. I just have one of those faces, I guess”

The girl didn’t look convinced, “Right…I’ll have your coffee out in a few minutes”

He stepped aside, joining his friend to the side. Changbin had a huge grin on his face still and Hyunjin was thankful to have his positivity surround him, “That chick was totally flirting with you”

“What?” Hyunjin shook his head, pushing the receipt in his coat pocket, “She barely said two words. You think everyone’s flirting with me”

“Well, why are her and all her friends giggling and looking at you?” Changbin rolled his eyes. Hyunijn looked back, and sure enough, the cashier and her coworkers were looking at him. Maybe they shouldn’t have come in here today. It was too close to the comeback. He shook that thought from his head. He was desperate for coffee.

“Excuse me, sir? Your coffee is ready” The girl said, and Hyunjin stepped back up. She was smiling, flushing red under her uniform cap, and as she handed them the cups he noticed a piece of paper stuck to it. Changbin glanced at it, eyes widening as they stepped away, “Is that her number?”

“I don’t know” Hyunjin mumbled, unfurling the paper. This definitely was the most romantic way he’d been asked out. It was her Instagram handle, and a note was stuck to it, Hope you liked the coffee, handsome. Maybe we could get a stronger drink later tonight? 

“Wow” Hyunjin’s brows shot up, and he pushed the note into his pocket too. It’d be thrown away later, “That’s…certainly a bold move”

“Please tell me you’re going on that date”

Hyunjin shook his head, amused at how light-hearted dates and budding love could be for Changbin, “I…have plans”

“What plans? You’re a recluse”

“I was going to talk to Y/N tonight—” He trailed off, eyes landing on someone familiar in the crowd. Hyunjin’s breath hitched.

It was a while since he’d seen her. Years, at this point.

She was sat at a far table, laughing over a cup of coffee and croissants. She seemed better than she had in years. Happier than she’d ever been around Hyunjin. Right now, she was glowing. The cause of her happiness seemed to be a boy sitting across her. A guy dressed in flannel and suit pants, chunky glasses on his face. Hyunjin couldn’t look away as the boy leaned forward, kissing her cheek quickly. She smiled, and then the cashier called out, “Coffee for Yujin”

She kissed the boy before standing up. She walked towards them, and Hyunjin was still standing stupidly at the counter. She noticed him, eyes widening, coming to a stop. Almost instantly, the life drained from her face. 

A stark difference from a moment ago, when she was so happy. Hyunjin didn’t know what to do; he raised a hand; a small, non-threatening wave. Things between them had ended in peace, after all. Yujin’s face traversed many expressions before she settled on a calm look, “Hyunjin. Wow…hi. This…is such a surprise. Hello…Changbin”

Hyunjin nodded, hoping this interaction wasn’t being watched, “It’s…been a while, Yujin”

She was still beautiful, smiling to diffuse the tension, “I didn’t expect to see you around here”

Hyunjin nodded, hands squeezing his coffee cup, “Yeah. I…don’t come here too often”

She nodded, familiarity returning to her gaze, “Ah. Too easy to get recognised?”

Hyunjin nodded along, even though that wasn’t the reason. He hated how his life seemed to revolve around his fame, and not his choices, like maybe he didn’t come here because he just liked another coffee shop more. Changbin took over, noticing the awkward shift in Hyunjin, “Um, so how have you been, Yujin? You look good!”

She smiled at him, “I’m great. I’m actually doing really well… I, uh, moved out of the city, closer to the outskirts”

“Really?” Hyunjin asked. He wondered why she would make such a decision. She’d trained with him for years, until she’d suddenly dropped out of the idol industry, but back when Hyunjin knew her and dated her, they had the same ambitions. The same thirst to be recognized, to be respected, and known for their talent. That’s why they had got along so well.

“Hmm, the city got too much for me sometimes. Anyway after I met Haru, it just seemed like the right choice to make”

“Haru. Is that…your boyfriend?” Hyunjin asked, noticing the boy back at the table. 

“Well…” She giggled, lifting her hand up to show them the glittering, gorgeous ring, “Fiancé, actually”

Changbin’s eyes widened, “You’re engaged?”

She nodded, a dimple in her cheek, “Haru asked me a few months ago”

Hyunjin forced himself to smile, but there was a deep pit in his stomach, recalling the conversations they used to have back in their days as trainees. They were never that serious to talk about weddings, or marriage. They both knew it was only an attraction between them and would stay that way, but he remembered a specific conversation where Yujin had said that the only disadvantage of becoming famous was the love life they’d be giving up. He was happy for her now. She hadn’t had to give it up after all, “Congratulations, Yujin. That’s…really good”

“Never too early to settle down, am I right?” She laughed, “What about you, Jinnie? How have you been?”

“I’m…good too. So…what are you doing these days?” He redirected the conversation back, curiosity brimming at him. What did someone do once they’d left the idol life? They were free to do absolutely anything, the choices were limitless. He’d never known a life without rules. He’d been training since he was fourteen, after all. She shrugged, “I’m doing a bit of everything. I volunteered at an organisation for a while, I tested my hand at photography, modelling even, but then I realised I really don’t want to be around cameras of any kind” She laughed, “I teach now, though”

“That sounds really nice, Yujin. I’m glad you get to do something you love”

“Well, you too! You’re absolutely thriving, Hyunjin. I see you every day with all your brand deals and advertisements. Does it ever get tiring being pretty all the time?”

Hyunjin smiled, “It’s…part of my job”

“Well, you deserve it. I remember how focused you used to be. You were my motivation, you know? It should have been obvious that life wasn’t for me. I hated everything. My favourite part of the academy used to be seeing you” At those words, the boy, Haru joined her, slipping an arm around her waist, “Everything all right, baby?”

She glanced at him, “Shit, I totally forgot to get the coffee. Just ran into some old friends”

Haru laughed, “Don’t worry, I’ll get it for us, babe.” He kissed her again, with no hesitance of being seen by so many people, and went to pick up the drinks. Changbin conversed with Haru, as Yujin asked Hyunjin, “I read that you went on a break for a couple of months. That must have been…wow, relieving?”

He swallowed, “Yeah, it was really good, but…I’m back to work now”

“That must’ve been nice. I don’t know how you do it, Hyunnie. I remember when we training together, you wouldn’t leave the practice room for days. Still the same?”

Hyunjin nodded. Yujin had changed so much from when he’d last met her. Had he changed at all?

Haru smiled at him, “Thank you for taking good care of her then. She tells me about those days a lot. It must have been thrilling to keep it a secret from everyone”

Hyunjin shook his head, smiling politely at him, “It was terrifying actually” 

They laughed. Haru pulled Yujin into his side again as she said, “Well…this was unexpected, but if your schedule permits, you and the boys are always welcome to the engagement party. It’s the end of December”

Changbin sighed dramatically, “Unfortunately, we’re working the whole month”. Yujin frowned, “That’s terrible….I would suggest catching up after that but…me and Haru are going to be gone for three months”

“Oh, where are you going?” Changbin asked.

“Backpacking through Europe” She responded chirpily, “Haru’s really into art and sculptures, so we have this silly idea to visit every museum in Paris”

“That sounds really good” Hyunjin smiled, but he was drowning so deep in his thoughts he could barely focus. What a nice life. It was strange, the last time he saw her, she was in the same boat as him. Training to be an idol, like him. But their paths had diverged, and envy settled in him. He was so lucky to have his life, but he wished he could just take off like that too on vacation, no questions asked. Changbin’s phone buzzed and he apologised, ”Um sorry to stop this, but we gotta go. Eunwoo’s calling us back in to work”

Hyunjin nodded, “Oh, of course. It was great to meet you Yujin, and you too, Haru. Congratulations again, on the engagement. I hope you have a good time in Europe. I’m really happy for you”

Suddenly the expensive bracelets he was wearing felt like shackles around Hyunjin’s wrists. 

»»————-

A fire burned within him, a quiet inferno consuming his peace. He couldn’t stop thinking about Yujin and what her life was like now. She’d rebuilt it to something so special. She would never have that peace of life if she’d stayed in her company or with Hyunjin. He sat at the company table, signing albums, and it was a monotonous task so his thoughts kept drifting. 

“Jinnie. Your phone” Jisung mumbled, poking him with a pen. Hyunjin lift his head to see it buzzing across the table. You were calling. He took a breath, walking out to talk to you. You were the only thing that could make this horrible fucking day better. He hoped you weren’t still upset at him rejecting your offer to come to the city. Hopefully, you’d understand. Everything was too treacherous. Hyunjin…was too treacherous for you right now. Still, he listened to you about your day, and how you’d apparently made up with Yongbok. He smiled, lowering his voice as employees passed him in the corridor, “What did you guys do?”

As you told him everything he wished he was doing with you instead, Hyunjin faded into thought again until you said, “Um…and something else happened. When we were talking, Yongbok said something…He told me he loves me. That he has his entire life”

He wished he was more surprised.

A cynical stupid part of him was happy at this. So Yongbok finally told you. Bitterness settled into his veins, scorching him from the inside out, and Hyunjin found himself thinking that maybe with Yongbok, you could finally have the life he couldn’t give you.

When he got home that night, he realised the hydrangeas in his room had withered away completely.

»»————-

He woke to fresh flowers on his desk. Baby blue, lilac, pink and white. All shapes and colors. The scent is what woke him up. It starkly contrasted to the dying hydrangeas that he still hadn’t thrown away. He’d been meaning to draw them in that state. A cruel render of their destruction. 

The comeback was in a few days. Their album would finally be out to the public. There was so much to do today, and he lay in bed just a little longer to enjoy the temporary peace. A press conference was underway soon, and he would have to put on his best self. It was going to be live-streamed and there were no doubts that he’d be asked about the hiatus. He worried if the music would be well received, if it would surpass everyone’s expectations. Hyunjin finally crawled out of bed and read the little notes attached to the bouquets. Congratulations on your 4th successful studio album. Never forget how lucky and blessed you are~!

He walked into his kitchen, sweatpants hanging low, sleep clouding him, to see even more flowers on the island. “Who sent these?” He asked, rubbing his eyes.

Jisung looked sorrowful though, ignoring the bouquets entirely.

“What’s wrong?” Hyunjin asked, the worst scenarios playing in his head.

He swallowed, “They broke up”

His stomach was a pit at the news, “When?”

“Late last night. Chan…still hasn’t come home yet. We have no idea where he is”

“What? How do you know they broke up?”

“Kairi texted Binnie. She was worried. We can’t find him anywhere…”

“I’m going to call him" Hyunjin said, rushing to his room.

“We already tried that, Jinnie” Changbin spoke, “We’ve been trying since an hour”

“Maybe he’ll pick up my call” Hyunjin hoped, as the ringer rang in his ear. After eight rings, Chan did pick up. “Hello, Chan?” Hyunjin asked, voice soft. Jisung and Changbin moved closer, eyes wide as they observed him. Chan sounded low on the other end, “Jinnie…? Is everything okay?”

“Yes. I’m okay. Where are you, Channie? Are you all right?”

“I’m…fine. Don’t worry. I’ll be back in time for the conference”

“No, can I please come get you? Let me” Hyunjin pleaded. There was a pause, and a sigh and then Chan said, “I’m at the old dorm”

“I’ll be right there” Hyunjin hung up.

“No, we’re coming with” Jisung said, stepping ahead.

“Guys. Let me…just do this on my own. Eunwoo would kill us if none of us are here. Me and Chan will make it to the press conference, I promise”

Hyunjin couldn’t drive fast enough. For a second, he worried he would forget the way to their old house but it was embedded into him. It’s where they’d had their whole beginning, and Hyunjin got there in record time. Kairi meant everything to Chan, and he couldn’t imagine what he’d be feeling right now. Chan was always there for him, and he felt personally responsible to make sure he was all right. The old dorm building looked run-down; it had been falling apart for years, even when the boys lived there, and he chose the stairs over the rusty old elevator. On the fourth floor, there was an alcove. It was hidden behind a door that was sometimes locked, but he pushed it open. Chan was sitting inside, on the window seat, a soft smile on his face when he saw Hyunjin approach.

“Just you?” He tilt his head, seeing nobody else follow, “I thought the cavalry would show up”

Hyunjin shot him a soft smile, leaning against the door, “Just me….can I join you?”

Chan pat the empty seat next to him, and Hyunjin sat down. This is where Chan was always found, back when they still lived here. It’s where he came to think. To write their greatest hits. To ponder about life’s biggest mysteries. It was always his place, and Hyunjin could see why he loved it so much. It was hidden, like a secret room. Ignoring the cobweb in the corner, it was cosy. A faded old painting hung on the wall, rickety floorboards that probably hid treasures inside, a window that looked out onto an alley. The alley was something special in itself. It was between two apartment buildings, and a little bakery was carved into the side of the building. The few times Hyunjin sat here with Chan, he’d seen bakers arrive at three in the morning, loading powdered sugar and other ingredients in, creating storms and clouds of sugar. It was always a beautiful sight.

“What happened, Chan?” Hyunjin ended up asking, cutting to the chase. They both knew why he was here. Chan swallowed, looking wistful, “I’m fine, if that’s what you’re wondering. I’m going to be okay. I just needed…a day to let the sadness out”

“You can take more than that” 

“Not really. I can’t afford to, not this week. I gotta put on my best self”

“We’ll understand if you don’t.” Hyunjin frowned, admirable of Chan’s resolve, “If you want to talk about it, I’m here” Chan glanced at him, a smile on his face, “I know you are, Jinnie. You’re actually the best, and the worst person to talk to this about”

“Why the worst?” Hyunjin frowned.

Chan laughed, “You don’t want to hear the good part first?”

“No…”

“The worst because…I know what you felt about me and Kairi… I feel responsible for how you see the world, crazy as that sounds. I know you had to hear our arguments the past few weeks, I’m sorry about that. I feel like I took away all your hope.”

Hyunjin swallowed, “It’s not your fault. I’ve had minimal hope to begin with”

Chan laughed, loudly, “God, Jinnie, that’s really fucked up, you know? It shouldn’t be this way. We should be out there, showing our girls the best time”

“You shouldn’t apologize to me for your break up, Chan,” Hyunjin emphasized.

“Wow. Breakup. That sounds insane to say” He breathed in a sigh, as it was finally settling in, “To think I was going to ask her to marry me in a few months”

Hyunjin felt emotional. He’d known and adored their relationship for the longest time, “I’m so sorry, Chan. I don’t know what to say, I wish I could…make this better”

“You don’t have to. I’m…happy you’re here. Kim Soohyun asked to see my phone last night. I don’t know why, but I deleted every conversation with Kairi. I suppose I panicked. I shouldn’t have done that, because now all my best memories with her are just that…memories”

Hyunjin swallowed, and maybe all the reading poetry had rotted his brain. His heart was starting to shrivel, just like the Hydrangeas that were out of bloom. Once he got home, maybe it was the right move to erase his chat history with you too. A small way of shielding himself from the damage that could follow. His memories with you would be lost, but his carelessness would only hurt the boys more.

Chan reminded him far too much of you, the way he held onto memories, objects, and tangible things with an iron grip. He recalled how sad you’d felt erasing the little star you’d drawn from Hyunjin’s face. It had meant so much to you. Maybe he was becoming more like you every day too, which is why the dying flowers still rested on Hyunjin’s desk when he should have thrown them out weeks ago. He ended up saying something that only halfway made sense, “I want to say that…the things we’re meant for will always come back to us, but… I stray further from that thought every day, so I would be lying if I tried to convince you of that” 

Chan smiled sadly, and he held something within his hands, “You’re the most romantic person I know, even without trying to be”

Hyunjin laughed, bitterly, “I think it’s safe to say I’m doomed”

Chan turned to him, “Don’t say that, Jinnie”

Hyunjin shook his head, facing him, “I came here for you, not to talk about me…you know you have me, always, right?”

“I know” Chan leaned in, wrapping his arm around Hyunjin. It was an awkward half-hug but Hyunjin relaxed into the embrace, whispering, “I’m so sorry it didn’t work out with Kairi”

Chan pulled away, a sincere smile on his face, “Thank you. We should probably get going if we want to make it in time for the conference”

“You’re right” Hyunjin nodded, but they made no attempt to move, trying to lengthen this short-lived peace.

“Sometimes I wonder if it’s worth it.” Chan muttered, and it’s only then that Hyunjin realised what he held in his palm. A diamond ring. The one he was going to propose to Kairi with.

“What?” 

“What our lives are like. Do you never question that?” Chan asked. Hyunjin had never heard him talk like this, and he couldn’t comprehend this. Chan had built them up from the ground up, worked his ass off to get them to where they are. In fact, he couldn’t bear to see this side of him. He shouldn’t be questioning all his hard work, or that all would have been for nothing. Out of all people in the world, Chan couldn't be the one to lose hope. He was their rock.

He felt for Chan. So much. Yet, this train of thought was so dangerous. What would happen to them if they all started hating their job? They had never been forced into this career, they’d made their choices of their own volition, even if it was done as a teenager who didn’t know what he’d be giving up, but they’d gained so much too. The lifestyle Hyunjin led…people would kill for. 14-year-old him would kill for this. And he’d be so proud of him for it too. So, why was he questioning everything now? 

“No, I don’t” Hyunjin said. It was a lie, but he would sell it to Chan, for his sake, “We’re doing something impossible for most people to even imagine in the world. The impact that you have on people is…unreal. Millions of people love you, and you inspire them. You inspire me to work harder everyday. So, I don’t question if it’s worth it, and you shouldn’t either, Chan”

Something in Chan’s eyes changed, as if he had never expected him to say this. Hyunjin, the romantic, would never have said that. Love felt like the core of his life. He was hungry for it, but there was more than one kind of love.

So later that week, when Hyunjin stared at his phone in his hands, it was filled up with memories of you. Every phone call, each picture you’d sent him, each sweet thought he’d scribbled in his notes but never had the chance to send you. The press tour had already begun, and the boys were knee-depth in stress, and Hyunjin could never let himself add to that. Kairi had talked about sacrifices, and he finally understood it. Maybe it was cowardly to never explain to you what was happening, but it was easier. He didn’t have the heart to delete the past few months, so he took Eunwoo’s advice and changed his number instead.

Sorrow settled in his chest as Hyunjin realised that he would go to the ends of the earth for you, but perhaps that wasn’t still enough. He wasn’t willing to give this life up, and this was a sacrifice he was going to have to make.

»»————- Present Day. 

You only had the moonlight to guide you tonight.

There were hardly any streetlights this far out. It was pitch black, and the glow of the moon fell upon Hyunjin’s face, tracing each contour perfectly. You were trying real hard to not look at him. He was drumming his fingertips against the steering wheel and it was annoying. It kept grabbing your attention, and you’d glance at him only to remember you couldn’t do that anymore. You couldn’t spend time marveling at his little mannerisms because…things had changed. 

All you could do was listen to the conversations of the backseat. Chan was mumbling something to Kairi, and their voices had dropped in volume since you’d pulled out of the parking lot. Each syllable was spoken in a whisper, like it was a secret between them, and you felt like you were eavesdropping. Still, there was not much else to focus to. You definitely were not going to focus on the boy sitting next to you.

“I know that it could’ve been better…but I hope that you still had a good time today” Chan said softly, and through the rearview mirror, you saw that they’d laced their hands together. Kairi was leaning into him, fingers interlocked, and you looked down at your hands. The empty spaces between your fingers bothered you. 

“I did, Chris” Her eyes were closed, but she smiled, “Honestly, it was a pretty special birthday”

You averted your gaze, giving them privacy. Hyunjin kept glancing in the mirror briefly before looking back to the road. There was a small smile on his lips. He used to talk about them so much. He must be happy with this outcome. You didn’t know the details of what had gone wrong with their relationship, you’d never pried, but it must have been hard getting back together after all that heartbreak and pain.

“I’m…really fucking tired. I might pass out any second” Kairi announced, followed by a yawn.

“Don’t worry. Hyunjin is a smooth driver” Chan reassured, “Isn’t he?”

Hyunjin nodded, eyes flickering to Chan’s, “Of course. And um, Kairi, if you’re cold, I have an extra jacket in the backseat”

There was rummaging and then Kairi gasped, having found the jacket, “This is so stylish. I missed your clothes, Jinnie”

“Hey, hey. What are you trying to imply?” Chan complained. Kairi giggled, and Hyunjin laughed, “Your girlfriend is a fan of color, Chan. That’s not my fault”

“How predictable of you” Chan mumbled, and you could see him rolling his eyes. You drifted out of their conversation, looking out the window at the passing landscape. Trees drifted by in a blur and there was hardly any civilisation out here. Miles and miles of nothing. 

“Don’t you agree?” Kairi laughed, hand landing on your shoulder, and she was talking to you.

“Sorry?” You asked, “Agree with what?”

“Fuck. Did I wake you?” She apologised, “I didn’t realise you fell asleep”

“No, no, I’m up. I was just distracted….” You replied, clearing your throat. This conversation warranted another glance from Hyunjin, as if he was checking to see what you were distracted by. You returned his gaze with indifference, raising your eyebrows. He immediately looked away, back to the road.

“Well, I was telling Chris that your friends, Minnie and Jamie are one of the cutest couples I’ve ever met. I mean, I hardly see relationships that strong here; people are usually just serial daters” Kairi explained.

“Oh. Right” You nodded, thankful to have the context, “They’re…really cute, yeah”

“A serial dater?” Chan asked.

“Yeah. Dating apps will do that to you, especially in midtown. Take my advice now, never get on one, you’ll be fighting in the trenches” Kairi laughed. The trees were whizzing past so fast it made you dizzy, you mumbled, “It’s funny. Dating apps could never work back home”

“Cause you know everyone? Is that really true?” She asked. You nodded, “I mean, yeah. You go to school with the people technically in your dating age range, and there are only five restaurants and hang-out spots, so you’re always bumping into each other. It’s impossible to not know everyone”

“Was that ever weird?” Kairi asked, “Like seeing your ex at dinner or something?”

A small laugh escaped you, “It actually sucked. You couldn’t escape them”

“Did you ever run into her exes?” Chan asked, and it took you a second to realise the question was directed at Hyunjin. It took him a few seconds and he sat up straighter, mumbling quietly, “No.”

You blinked at his nonchalance, trying not to let this phase you. This could be a normal car ride if you just let it. Suddenly your gut was hurting with anxiety and you looked out the window again, away from him.

“Well, thankfully, I’ve never had to deal with that,” Chan spoke, “Eunwoo would have a heart attack if one of us was found on those apps. Although there’s quite a few fake profiles out there with Hyunjin’s face on them”

“Eunwoo?” You asked, ignoring the second part of his statement. It sent jealousy surging through you. Why did you feel jealous by even the thought of Hyunjin being on a dating app? You needed to get a grip on your emotions. 

“Ah. Hyunjin didn’t tell you?” Chan asked, so casually, “Eunwoo’s…our manager, of sorts”

Without thinking, you spoke, “I thought your manager was the lady in the shop”

“What shop?” Chan frowned, confused, “Wait, hold up. You’ve met one of our managers, Y/N? Where was that?” You stayed silent, for only a second, wondering if Hyunjin would answer this question. After all, he knew the manager and they were in the shop for a reason. The one where he had ignored you completely, as if you didn’t exist. You were only there by accident, after losing your way trying to find the Atelier. To your relief, Hyunjin did speak, “Yeah. That was Mrs. Giwon…she was accompanying me on one of the snack runs”

“Ah” Kairi exclaimed, “She’s…the worst one”

“Hey” Chan spoke, “She’s really helpful sometimes”

“Anyway…moving on” Kairi rolled her eyes, “She kind of traumatised me after she busted us”

“Busted you?” You turned, intrigued. Kairi laughed, “She walked in on me and Chan making out in the studio! God, that day was hell. She like…actually yelled at me for not maintaining a professional attitude in their building”

“And that, of course…led to the no-girlfriend in the studio rule,” Chan mumbled, and through the rearview, you saw him roll his eyes. That seemed like an insane rule to have, especially for adults. You stole a glance at Hyunjin to catch his reaction. He looked straight ahead, as if he couldn’t even hear this conversation, laser-focused on driving the empty streets. Kairi laughed loudly, “Changbin was the most pissed about that!”

“He has a girlfriend?” 

“No. That man’s a serial dater, through and through. He’s too busy producing insane music to have a full relationship anyway. He goes through NDA’s faster than you can say hookup, but honestly…he enjoys himself so much. He’s…very popular with all the girls”

You wanted to ask so much more about that. NDAs…? So that was a truth and not a rumor. Hyunjin had never mentioned those to you. At the paint and wine event, Sakura and Yeosang had asked him about it, and he’d been cautious about answering. But it was true. All of it felt so silly. Their words came back to you. Imagine sleeping with someone and then signing a contract instead of some aftercare.

If you and Hyunjin had hooked up back in Daejon, would he have also made you sign an NDA? But he fingered you. He let you touch him. He let you cut his hair and give him a handjob in his little bathroom. Did that not ask for an NDA? Or did he just trust you enough? All the possibilities floated through your head, and stupidly, like a stupid girl, you blurted, “So what all does that NDA cover? Is it just sex or…is it like, making out and other things too? And it's legally required?”

At your question, Hyunjin’s grip on the wheel tightened. His shoulders tensed up. 

You’d struck a nerve. 

Good. 

It was satisfying to know you had some sort of impact on him. Till now, he was just pretending you didn’t exist. 

Kairi paused, pondering over it, “Um…pretty much just sex, but like…I didn’t have to sign an NDA every single time. It’s only if it’s with a new person"

“Right”

Chan laughed, “I know. It sounds crazy. Especially in the 21st century, but with the internet and everything, you can never be too careful what people will say in a public forum. Hyunjin, didn’t you hate them too when we started out?”

Hyunjin cleared his throat, “Yeah. It’s stupid”

So he would sign them too? How often did he sleep with a new girl? You didn’t want to think about this any longer. There was no point wondering about his past when you wouldn’t be in his future. Your phone buzzed against the console and you grabbed it, positioning it on the seat between your legs so you could read it. It was a text from Felix.

hey. i was just talking with minho and man, i miss you I know you’ve likely forgotten all about me but call me later please…I think ill die here without you

A smile pulled at your cheeks, and you typed in a quick reply.

im getting back from a party lixie. It was kairi’s birthday. i miss you guys too :(

“Who are you texting at this hour?” Kairi piped up, leaning ahead, “Nate?”. You immediately clicked your phone screen black, even though you had nothing to hide. You just shot her a smile, “Just… a friend from back home”

Hyunjin probably knew exactly who you were talking about, yet he didn’t react. His stone-cold demeanour was really beginning to bother you.

“So where were you guys, at the party? When we found you, you two were at the cabins” Kairi spoke, breaking the tension. You swallowed, wondering if he would answer but he obviously wasn’t interested in speaking so you said, “I was dancing. And then…I hurt myself. So Hyunjin took me to the cabin to find a bandaid”

That wasn’t exactly what had happened. You had conveniently skipped over your argument, and the two of you spying on them, but Hyunjin nodded along, following your lie, “Yeah. There were no first aid kits there though”

Kairi nodded, “Shit, yeah. We didn’t think anybody would use the cabins for anything other than sex…anyway, I was thinkingggg we should play some game. It’d be nice to kill the time.”

Chan reminded her, “I thought you were about to pass out, baby”

Kairi was full of energy now as she suggested, “Well, I’m wide awake now! I kind of want the celebration to last a little while longer. Y/N, you can pick a game, since you're my guest of honour! Do you know any good ones?”

It seemed like Kairi and Chan had absolutely no fucking idea what happened between you and Hyunjin. They knew you weren’t together, but it seemed like they knew nothing more than that. Hyunjin hadn’t told them any of the details. They only knew you’d ended things, but not why. By their ease, and comfort…it seemed like they didn’t even know Hyunjin had been the one to end things with you. The memory of that made your chest clench, with hurt.

The heartbreak felt so one-sided. Everything seemed so easy for him. Had you got everything wrong this summer? Had you read too much into his actions? You felt embarrassed, thinking back to the kind of things you’d said to him. You didn’t tell him you loved him, but you pretty much said everything else. He knew more about you than anybody else in your life, and now he wouldn't even talk to you. You’d been willing to move to the city for him, but he didn’t even bat an eye. Being in Seoul suddenly didn’t feel worth it anymore.

“Sorry, what were you saying?” 

“We still are two hours out of the city. It’d be fun to play something” Kairi said, glancing at the GPS on the console. Play something? Like a road trip game? This hardly felt like a road trip, it was far too depressing to be one. “I’m…good with anything” You spoke, “I’m kind of really tired”

“How about word association?” Chan suggested, “I used to play that with my family as a kid”

You realised he was waiting for your response so you nodded, “Sure. How does it go…? Is there a way to lose?”

“Only if you take longer than three seconds to answer. We go in a circle, Kairi can start with any random word, you have to say a word related to the previous one, and the person who can’t come up with something loses”

You weren’t really in the mood to play, but you would need more energy to protest. Plus, any time interacting with the back-seaters was time removed with the boy in the front seat. Kairi quickly explained the rules, and that it would go clockwise, starting with Hyunjin. He still hadn’t reacted to the idea of the game so you weren’t even sure if he was playing. Kairi hummed loudly, looking around for inspiration. Dark clouds were forming on the horizon so she naturally said, “Thunder!”

“Storm” You immediately said.

“Well, Hyunjin was supposed to go” Kairi laughed, “I’ll go again. Eclipse?”

“Cosmic” Hyunjin replied. A curt, short, emotionless answer. You realised you had to speak now. You mumbled, “Um…the stars”

“Marilyn Monroe” Chan said. Kairi laughed loudly, “Chris. What the hell?”

“What? She’s…a star” Chan defended. You smiled at their bantering. Kairi rolled her eyes, “No. That’s what’s called a Freudian slip”

“Excuse me?” Chan giggled, “Don’t psychobabble me. What even is that?”

Kairi laughed, “It’s this theory that if you accidentally say something wrong, you were thinking about it subconsciously. Most people are thinking about sex, so that’s what a lot of Freudian slips reveal”

“So what… you’re accusing me of wanting to sleep with Marilyn Monroe?” Chan frowned. She giggled, “No, I’m just saying that’s how it works, smartass. It usually reveals your repressed thoughts”

You glanced back at her, “Yeah. I guess that’s what this entire game is about. Although I really don’t think Freud has had the best ideas. Some of them are…really regressive” 

Kairi grinned at you, nodding aggressively and she was still tipsy from before, “You’re so right, honestly. Most of the people I played this game with had no idea what a Freudian slip was. You know, this is why we’re friends. You’re…so fucking cool. You’re just like me”

“Y/N is not just like you” Chan laughed loudly.

“Excuse me?” She gasped, offended, “You just met her. How would you even know what she’s like?”

Chan chuckled, “Yeah, but I’ve been hearing about her all summer—” He suddenly stopped, realising what he’d said. An awkward silence enveloped the car and you did everything not to look at Hyunjin. So… Chan had been hearing about you all summer. You knew Hyunjin had told the boys about you. You just wondered what he’d said. What did he know of you? Chan cleared his throat, embarrassed by his slip of the tongue, “I mean….never mind. Should we continue the game? Hyunjin. Why don’t you start?”

Hyunjin swallowed, adjusting his hands on the wheel, “Um. I don’t know. Sin?”

Your eyes widened at his word choice, and it was your turn to go next. Sin? What was he even thinking of? Your mind went through the seven deadly sins that you knew of, and you only had three seconds so you blurted, “Lust”

It was Chan’s turn now, and he blanked, eyes widening, “Uh…passion?”

You didn’t like this tangent of thought… and you waited for Kairi to say something. Chan teased, “Are you serious? You’re gonna lose”. She yelled, “Wait, wait. I know. Yearning!”

It was Hyunjin’s turn to play. His mouth parted, and he was about to say something, but instead he chose not to. He just shook his head, “I don’t know…I can’t really focus on the game when I’m driving”

Kairi sighed, “Can’t believe you lost on yearning, Hyunjin”

“Yeah. My mistake” He mumbled. His knuckles were white against the steering wheel. You didn’t really want to play this game anymore. You stared out the window, your reflection flickering in the window. You wanted to be home already, and not in this car where you felt like a stranger.

There was so much brevity and lightheartedness in the conversations between Chan and Kairi, and here you were…struggling to even get a proper hi out. You felt like a stranger, even to Kairi. You’d only known her for a few weeks, compared to them. The three of them felt like a unit, like a family that was finally complete again. Hyunjin had sang praises of their love, and you could see it now. It wasn’t anything grand or impossible, it was so casual and effortless. Kairi and Chan fit together like puzzle pieces, so perfectly, but even more than that, they enhanced each other so simply. There was no fear of misunderstandings, or betrayal. They were giggling in the back, laughing about some inside joke you’d never be able to understand. Perhaps you shouldn’t have accepted this ride. Kairi was your friend, but you weren’t really welcome here. You were an outsider. Chan must have wanted to keep the conversation going so he said, “So, Y/N, you were about to tell me about yourself when we got in the car” 

You swallowed, “Um, I didn’t know I was going to be doing that”

Kairi teased, “Yeah, Chan. I thought you knew all about her, and how me and her are so similar”

Chan giggled, “It was a figure of speech. No, but seriously, Y/N”

You bit your lip, and a deep sadness was overwhelming you. One you’d been trying to escape for months but it seemed impossible now. You’d genuinely enjoyed the party, until he’d showed up. He’d ruined everything. It had taken so long for you to not think about him. Now you felt like you were sinking again, “Um…what do you want to know? I came here to study art. There’s not really much to tell…You’re the one who has a really interesting life."

Chan frowned, “Come on. That’s not a real answer. I wanna know you, not answers you’d type in on some Facebook page”

You were at a loss for words, and you mostly just felt conscious around Hyunjin. You always hated introductions like this, and icebreakers, especially around someone you wanted to like you. Chan seemed amazing, he was brilliant so how could your little life possibly impress him? You’d done nothing that would have an impact on anyone, unlike them. Anything you say would be so boring. So you settled for a basic fact about yourself, a preface to your personality, “Well…I used to work in an art—”

“She’s a really good artist” Hyunjin suddenly interrupted you.

Your gaze snapped to his.

“Oh yeah?” Chan asked, surprised.

“Yup” Hyunjin cleared his throat, “She’s in the most prestigious program of the country” 

Chan smiled, “Wow. That’s…amazing, Y/N. You should be bragging about that stuff”

“There’s only like…25 people that get in from across the world” Hyunjin continued talking, staring right ahead so casually. There was a knot in your stomach, and he had the faintest of a smile on his face as he talked about you. It was more than he’d given you in the past hours, “She’s one of the few domestic students”

“What? You didn’t tell me that!” Kairi exclaimed, hand reaching out to tap you. But you were speechless, staring at Hyunjin. Why did he just do that?

“Well, now you’ve got to show me your art, Y/N!” Chan grinned, “Hyunjin’s got pretty high standards when it comes to those, so I’m curious”

You nodded, forcing a smile at him, “Yeah…um, maybe later”

“Well, I hope you taught Hyunjin something too” Chan laughed. 

Hyunjin nodded, and there was a hint of emotion as he spoke, “She did”

You chewed on your lower lip, fiddling with your jacket, thinking about his words, even long after he’d said them.

The barren highway enveloped the car in darkness, and the tiny GPS screen was the only light source. You stared ahead, watching the road lit up in the headlights, uncovering more of the unknown every second. There was nobody else out here. It was spooky, and you hated the feeling. You felt trapped in this metal contraption. Hyunjin’s fingers tapped lightly on the steering wheel, a familiar rhythm, probably calming his nerves down. The backseat noise had died down, and it seemed like the tiredness had finally hit Kairi. The only indication of passing time was the clock on the dashboard. You watched it tick down every second, hoping it would go faster. The city was still so far out. You leaned back onto the seat, watching trees whiz past in silence. Hyunjin was so quiet you’d almost think he fell asleep. The only surmountable sound was the heating, and the tapping of his fingers. You closed your eyes, hoping the time would pass faster.

You couldn’t help but think of what was waiting for you. There was no lingering excitement. This party had been the only thing you’d been looking forward to for a while. There was so much work back in class, starting Monday. Kim Jieong was expecting so much from you. You felt emotionally drained. He was your only motivation, pushing you to get better. After all, there was nothing else waiting for you back there. 

Suddenly Hyunjin cleared his throat, drawing your attention. From your peripheral vision, you saw him reach for the radio, fingers hovering over the console, and then he looked to you, “Um…mind if I put something on?”

You blinked, distracted by how he looked in the glow of the light. His glasses were thin, hanging on his nose bridge, and his lips were pursed. He’d bitten them raw. Maybe you weren’t the only one anxious in this car. You shook your head, “Go ahead”

He pressed a button, and life filled the previously stagnant car. An announcer was talking, probably at an all-night radio station, and you asked softly, “Wouldn’t this wake them up?”

Hyunjin looked at you again, over the rim of his glasses, eyes meeting yours for another torturous split second. In the dark, they looked like pools of black, a darkened gaze as he spoke, “Uh, don’t worry. I turned the speakers in the back off. It’s only the front ones that are working”

Oh. You didn’t even know that was possible. They obviously had access to the best cars with the best technologies. Music began playing, a rock band from the 80s, and you rest your head again, closing your eyes to savour in this newfound peace. It was strange to sit next to the man you desired the most yet have no conversation. For the past few months, it had been impossible to separate you, and the irony of this moment didn’t fail to surprise you. You’d come all the way to Seoul for him. Yet the only sound in the car was Bon Jovi on the radio. 

“Um—”

“So—” You and Hyunjin both spoke at the same time.

“Sorry,” You apologised, “What were you about to say?”

He glanced at you, hand reaching out to the radio again, and you noticed he had new rings on his finger. They looked so expensive, glittering sparkles, and he must have bought them recently. He seemed nervous and he spoke, “I can…uh, change the music if you don’t like it”

Your eyebrows shot up. That clearly wasn’t what he was going to say. “No, it’s nice. I like him”

He nodded, retreating his hand and putting it back on the console. You wondered about the unspoken, but wondering would only kill you. So you shut your eyes again, hands warm in your lap, wishing to be somewhere else. The tune was thrilling. 

“80’s music is actually one of my favourites”

You opened your eyes to look at him, “Really?”

“Yeah. I think….their songs are pretty incomparable. I actually got a lot of inspiration for our album from them. I don’t know if you heard it; it’s very pop-rock heavy, which isn’t what we usually do” He spoke, a nervous wavering in his voice, as if you two were just getting to know each other. 

You observed him, “Is that what you were going to say earlier?”

“Sorry?” He looked right at you, dark eyes flickering over your features. You felt conscious of how you looked. You were still in his sweater, and your hair was still wet from the swim. You said, “Um…you were about to say something but decided not to. Was that it?”

Realisation sank into his face, lips parting, “No, I was…going to ask you how you met Kairi”

“Oh…” Disappointment filled you. What were you expecting to be said? An apology would be nice actually. Something to start with. You were having trouble grasping that things between you and him were truly over. They couldn’t be. Hadn’t he only come into your life yesterday, uprooting everything you thought you knew about yourself? Or maybe you were just desperately clinging on to a summer dream that wasn’t real.

“Sorry. Should I not have asked?” Hyunjin said. 

“No, that’s fine. It was just a crazy coincidence. We were at a bar…me and my friends, and somebody spilled a drink on her, I just happened to be there. I offered to help her. Obviously…I didn’t know who she was. Later, I realised it was Kairi”

“That’s…” Hyunjin’s fingers adjusted on the steering wheel, he spaced them out, glancing at you again, “That’s really nice of you”

“Yeah”

“Are you cold?” He asked.

“What? Um, no.” You shook your head awkwardly. His sweater was keeping you plenty warm.

“Okay”

The silence drowned you again, and you focused on the song playing, replaying the previous conversation in your head, clinging to it for life.

“I…tried Gouache” 

It took you a second to register that Hyunjin was talking to you, again.

Why was he making an effort after what went down earlier? You’d argued and fought, and now he was…trying to be nice? Was he trying to make amends? Did he finally realise what an asshole he’d been? Or were his memories of summer coming back to him too? Because every time you looked at him, all you could remember was the calmness of each moment you’d spent with him, and how his skin had felt to touch, and how his body had felt against yours, warm and comforting. How could he not be thinking of that?

“Sorry?” You glanced at him. 

He straightened up, hands clasped before him, “I…taught myself Gouache. I hadn’t explored it much before, but I had some time between schedules last month and I decided to give it a shot”

You didn’t know what to say. Gouache was such a difficult pigmented paint medium to work with. You stayed quiet, which somehow… he took a sign to continue speaking, “It was hard…but I found the supplies and tried many styles with it. I couldn’t get it right for the longest time but then realised I had the wrong brushes. I…think I prefer it to watercolor”

“Are you serious?”

He glanced at you, almost surprised that you’d replied even though he had been telling you all of this. He nodded, his lips a thin line.

“Gouache can never have the same effect, or…even replace watercolours. It’s…so much more intense. It loses all of its softness” You ended up saying.

“Have you worked with it before?”

“In class. I do all the time” You answered, “I don’t like it. I prefer acrylics or oil”

Hyunjin nodded, eyes zeroed in on you again, “Do you have the freedom to choose?”

“Choose what?”

“The material you want to paint with” He stated, simply. 

“Yeah. It’s up to us” You said.

Hyunjin just nodded, and then silently turned away. As did you. Queen was playing on the radio now, and you liked this song. Somebody to Love. It seemed like Hyunjin enjoyed this song too, because he reached ahead, his bracelets clinking together and he increased the volume just slightly. You glanced in the rearview mirror, and Kairi and Chan were still asleep, cuddled up to each other. Hyunjin was softly singing, under his breath, but he knew all the words. His voice brought a strange calmness to your body, warming it up.

“I can’t believe you tried Gouache” You mumbled, still thinking about it. You didn’t want to initiate conversation with him, not after everything he’d done to your heart. But you were so curious. It was really hard to work with, especially if someone was a beginner.

“Can I show you something?” He asked.

“What?”

He looked at you, a newfound energy in him, “The…paintings I’ve been working on”

“Unless you’re going to pull over—”

“They’re in my phone. You can just…see them there”

You glanced at his phone that lay on the console.

“Um…are you sure?” You reached for his phone, and it was strange that he completely trusted you with it.

“Yeah. I don’t mind. There’s nothing I have to hide from you. The password…I can just type it in” He grabbed it from you, entering random numbers that you couldn’t grasp the significance of, before handing his unlocked phone back to you. The wallpaper was a pretty sunset. You recognised the landscape instantly. It must have been the pictures he took on the Ferris wheel with Seungmin, back at the summer carnival. Memories of that flooded through you. It had been a perfect day. You recalled the photobooth pictures that lay in your sketchbook, Hyunjin had put them there for you to find. You still didn’t understand why, or how he got a hold of them. As far as you knew, he’d deleted them in front of your eyes. You glanced at him; his eyebrows were knitted as he concentrated on driving, still occasionally mouthing the words to the song. You may never get this chance again. “How’d you get those pictures?” You broke the silence.

It took him a second to comprehend your question, and he turned casually, “Hmm?”

In this angle, confusion on his face, nose scrunched up, he looked so tame, so innocent. You already wished to take back what you’d said, in case it ruin this strange peace. It was too late to back up now as he stared at you so you said, “In my sketchbook, I found the photobooth strip. The pictures of us kissing. I…thought you deleted them”

His eyes widened, and he turned back to the road, voice dropping low, “Oh… It doesn’t really matter, Y/N”

His response irked you. It reminded you again that this was futile, whatever you chased for with Hyunjin. “Yeah. It doesn’t” You agreed, looking back at his phone in your hands. You opened up his picture gallery. Everything was divided into little folders, and his entire life was so organised. If you were his girlfriend, would there be a folder for you in it too? You clicked on the one which was so fittingly named ‘Art’. You were annoyed at him but you couldn’t pretend, “Oh. These are…really good, Hyunjin”

He clearly gravitated towards drawing flowers and landscapes. Some of them were familiar, most of them were new. There were so many pictures of flowers, at all stages. He must be drawing from life. It seemed like he’d developed a lot of art ever since he’d come back. They were all so intense and bold, no softness to them that watercolour provided. You’d always thought that Gouache was something in between watercolour and acrylic, a strange midway compromise, yet Hyunjin had made masterpieces out of it, “You did all of these in Gouache?”

He only nodded in response, as you scrolled through the gallery.

“You’re crazy” You said.

Hyunjin let out a laugh, “You really hate it that much?”

“It’s just difficult to work with, but you’re actually really great at these” You stared at the art, and how his technique had improved. All his lines were more confident, pronounced, bolder. He’d gotten so much better in your absence. You’d only gotten worse in his.

“So…how’s the apprenticeship going? Is Kim Jieong as nice as you thought?” He asked. You put his phone back on the console, even though you urged to see everything he’d felt worth storing in his phone. He had asked you a question so you tried to focus on that, “Yeah. He’s really nice. He is so talented. I, um, asked him about the painting, by the way. The one we were talking about”

“The one about the lovers drowning in moonlight?”

You nodded, hands feeling jittery, unable to stomach this casual conversation, “Yup. He was surprised it was my favourite. He thinks I have morbid taste. And… the day he took us to your work building, he wanted us to meet some gallery curator”

“Must have been Karina”

“You know her?” You glanced at him, hoping your face didn’t give anything away. How petty of you to be jealous that he knew another girl. Another artist at that. 

“She’s the prodigy I was telling you about. She wants me to…exhibit some of my work at a gallery next month”

Your eyes widened, and you fiddled with the zipper on the jacket, “Oh. That’s…a big deal. Are you allowed to do that?”

He looked at you, “Yeah, the company and Eunwoo’s really supportive. The fans love it, so he thinks it’s a great stream of revenue and publicity. Any press is good press. He couldn’t care less about the art” 

“Right” You nodded, watching him, “Well, maybe Kim Jieong will make it a field trip for us again. Your exhibition”

Hyunjin’s lips tugged into a smile, “That’d be really embarrassing. I wouldn’t want all your professional artist friends to judge my work”

“Well…they’re not as pretentious as you might think. My friends…they’re really nice. Everybody’s not bad. I mean…it was hard settling in, but…I think I like it now” You were rambling, without meaning to share so much with him. Maybe you’d just been craving to have a real conversation with him all this while. After all, he was the only person in your life who understood, “And Kim Jieong is my favourite part of it anyway. Even if everybody sucks. I look up to him a lot. He…even calls me sweetheart. It always throws me off” 

“Isn’t that a bit inappropriate?”

You frowned, not expecting that response, “No…he has different nicknames for everyone”

“I see” His reply was curt, like he didn’t believe that. He cleared his throat, “And um…your friends? The other students? Are they cool?”

“I mean, you’ve already met Jeonghan”

“Is that the boy who you were dancing with?”

“Yeah, that’s him”

Hyunjin stayed quiet for a minute and then he said, “He has two left feet”

“Excuse me?”

“Sorry” He chuckled dryly, “When you were dancing with him, he almost dropped you…like ten times”

“He only came to the party for me, because I didn’t know anybody. Don’t make fun of him. He was kind of the best part of my day”

“I’m not making fun of him. It’s just an observation” Hyunjin mumbled, but there was a teasing glint in his eyes and he looked at you, “And I saw your face. You were worried he’d drop you too”

“I was not” Your eyes narrowed, but a stupid smile tugged at your lips, “Anyway. You’re one to talk. You’re probably worse”

He laughed properly this time, looking at you over his glasses, “Oh, am I?”

You shrugged, “We’ve never danced together so it could be true”

“I think you’re forgetting that I’m a professional dancer, Y/N” His tone was cocky.

You sighed, facing away to look out, “Ugh. Do you always have to bring up the idol card?”

“The idol card?” He repeated, “That’s my job, what do you mean?”

“Just seems like an unfair advantage”

Hyunjin chuckled, “Fine. Okay. Even if I wasn’t a professional dancer, I bet I’d still be able to take Jeonghan in a dance battle”

“I’m starting to think that you’re obsessed with him…”

Hyunjin laughed, “I guess I see why you chose him now”

Your gaze darted to his, “What?”

You arrived at a railway crossing. The signal was loud, and he stopped the car, foot on the brake as he slowed down. “He is your boyfriend…isn’t he?” He said, so surely. 

You stared at him, wondering how he could ask that so casually, so unaffected. You’d probably die if Hyunjin had a girlfriend. Did he think you’d move on so fucking fast? You woke and fell asleep to the thought of him every day still, months later. You thought of him every waking second. Maybe you should take a book out of Hyunjin’s ability to be vague, “Are you seriously asking me that?”

He looked at you, eyes heavy with emotion. He swallowed, “Yeah. I am”

You stared right back at him, heart pounding fast, “Yeah. I am dating him”

“Oh” He shifted in his seat, “That’s nice…how long have you known him?”

You couldn’t believe he could be so…casual about it. You looked out, “It doesn’t matter”

Hyunjin nodded, “Well. For what it’s worth, Nate seems like a nice guy”

You just couldn’t comprehend how the fuck he could be so casual about this. As if you two had just been an inconvenient situationship and your lives and souls hadn’t completely intertwined this summer. As if you’d just move away, and get a new boyfriend and fall in love. As if you could ever truly move on from Hyunjin. As if he didn't know that you'd been in love with him this whole time. It wasn’t that simple. It could never be.

“So…you really don’t give a fuck?”

“I’m sorry?” He looked at you, feigning innocence, “About what?”

You could have said so many things. Bitterness clawed out of you. “Well, for what it’s worth, Nate’s a great kisser”

His eyes widened, and he nodded, voice falling low, “I’m sure he is”

You couldn’t stop. You wanted your words to stab him like little knives he’d dug into your skin all this while, “And for what it’s worth, I actually trust him” 

Hyunjin tensed up, fists clenching at the wheel. The train was just passing by, and the signal was so loud but you knew he heard you. “I’m…glad you trust him” He ended up saying. 

You watched him, observing every micro-expression. You could have played along, egged him on, made him believe it. He should hurt too, like you were, but you couldn’t wrap your head around this. Was it really so easy for him to move on? He was pretending like nothing ever affected him. Were you seriously the only one who had been invested in the two of you? You let out a laugh, “So that’s it?”

“What?” He looked at you.

“You don’t care? You really think I would just date…a random guy from my class? Because if you think that, you don’t—”

His brows shot up, “I’m sorry, so you’re not dating him? Why would you tell me you were?” 

“Do you care if I was?”

He frowned, eyebrows furrowing, “Seriously? You know I still care about you, right?”

It pissed you off. He had no right to say something like that when he didn’t give a fuck about you. He had just abandoned you, with no intention of ever making up things, “I don’t know, Hyunjin. I mean…everything you’ve done to me the past few months has shown me quite the opposite. That you don’t care”

His eyes widened, “Everything I’ve done to you?”

A scoff escaped you, and you were losing it, “I’m sure you had your reasons for never wanting to talk to me again. I, personally, would have just liked a goodbye or an explanation before you decided to leave. That’s just me though. But you know what? Maybe I read too much in what happened this summer”

He swallowed, shifting to look at you, “Look, it wouldn’t have made a difference anyway. I didn’t know how to explain and I thought that you would understand—”

How the fuck could he expect you to understand? Your voice shot up, and everything you'd wondered over the past few months bubbled to the surface, “You…pushed me away, Hyunjin. You completely got rid of me! I’m sure you had your reasons, but I wasn’t okay. I’m still not fucking okay. It was a complete asshole move to block me for months with no explanation. I didn’t even know you’re capable of something like that, but you know what, it sucks to find out. In my head, I built you up to be some angel on a fucking pedestal. That was obviously my mistake” 

He swallowed, adam's apple bobbing, and you could see him grappling with what to say. It felt good to render him speechless. It took away from your embarrassment of knowing that Kairi and Chan could probably hear each second of this conversation. 

“Things were always going to end this way. You knew that, Y/N” The way he spoke pissed you off, like he had a rehearsed answer in his head and no real fucking emotions. Why could he just not tell you what he truly felt? Why was he trying so hard to be someone he was not?

A dry chuckle escaped you, and it was better you take out your anger on him because you felt like crying with each word you said, “No, I didn’t know that. if I knew that you were just going to disappear, I would have preferred never to know you”

His gaze burned through you, “Y/N…”

Somebody suddenly knocked on Hyunjin’s window, and you shook away your building tears. It was an officer, and Hyunjin rolled down the window, “Yes?”

He leaned in, not knowing what he was interrupting, “Excuse me? The signal’s running at a delay. There’s going to be a ten minute hold-up”

Hyunjin nodded, “Oh okay”

He rolled the window back up, and looked back at you. You couldn't breathe. You couldn't even look at him. You hated him and his fucking nonchalance. You swallowed, “I need some air”

Before he could say something, you opened the door, stepping out. There would be a delay anyway, and hardly any cars were behind you. You walked to the side of the street, taking in a breath, willing yourself to not start fucking cry.

Another car door slammed shut behind you, and Hyunjin followed you out.

“Y/N—” He said, walking around the car, following you to the side.

Your emotions were brimming to the top, and you couldn’t keep it in. It would be petty, mean, childish but you deserved to get some answers.

You turned around, voice raising, “If I hadn’t moved to the city, you would have never met me again” It wasn’t a question. You knew he had no plans of returning to town anytime this century, “And you were just okay with that? With never seeing me again?”

He closed his eyes, his body towering over you, “It’s…not that simple”

“Yeah. It is. You didn’t even think I was worth an explanation…or a proper goodbye?”

“I…didn’t know what to say. You just have to believe when I say I’m doing this for your own good”

“Really?” You scoffed, “You expect me to believe that…? You could’ve said anything.  Anything would have been better than what I got. Just tell me what's going on, please”

“Anything I said would have hurt you” His voice was shaking, like he was going to cry. How could he ever explain that he had picked his life over you? That you were the sacrifice he had decided to make?

You loved him, and you couldn’t bear to be the reason he cried but you had so many questions. Your voice was loud, in disbelief and frustration, “How is this any different? You cut me out of your life like it was nothing”

“It wasn’t nothing. It was just as hard for me as—”

“No, I’m not done talking. After losing you, moving to the city was the hardest thing I ever did. Leaving Daejon behind, all my friends…the only life I knew, and this place where I don’t really fit perfectly, but I’m trying so hard to. It is so hard. The only thing I love…I can’t even love that anymore because I can’t fucking stop thinking about you when I’m painting! It’s not fair. You had a choice, Hyunjin. I didn’t” Your voice broke.

“Before I saw you in the shop, I was this close to calling you up” He held up a small gap between his fingers, “I just…always ended up talking myself out of it”

A scoff escaped you, at the ridiculousness of his response, “I really have a hard time believing that”

“I don’t expect you to believe me anyway” He mumbled. You stared at him, crossing your arms, wondering how everything led to this, “I thought you were different, Hyunjin, from every other guy I’ve known in my life… but you…”

He stepped closer to you, running a hand through his hair, “What was I supposed to say to you, Y/N? That I never want to see you again? Do you think that would be easy for me to say?”

“I don’t know, Hyunjin! I don’t fucking know, but anything would have been better than what I got, because the person I knew would never have acted this drastically. So, were you just pretending in Daejon? Or are you pretending now? Because I’m having a real hard time telling who the real you is, Hyunjin—”

His eyes widened at those words, as if they personally struck him. He grabbed your hands, pulling you closer to him in the process, “Y/N— Stop. I’m not…I never pretended with you”

His grip on you was firm, but enough that you could let go if you wanted. You looked up at him, and you were already so emotional, “Then why are you being so cold? You’ve been acting like you don’t care, but I don’t even know if you’re acting anymore. I feel like…I never saw the real you. That’s what you’re making me believe”

His closed his eyes, shaking his head at your words like they were the worst thing he could hear, “I’m sorry”

Your eyebrows knitted together, voice fading, “For…what?”

“For…changing my number and not telling you” He swallowed, and his hands held yours in between them like a prayer, “For…trying to push you away. For ignoring you in the shop”

His eyes glimmered with incoming tears, but he cleared his throat, and blinked them away, “I’m sorry I didn’t apologise until today”

You swallowed. You’d been waiting for an apology this whole time, but your heart still hurt. There wasn’t any explanation. You couldn’t…just believe him. Your heart squeezed so bad, it felt like a heart attack. You blinked away tears.

“There’s…a lot I want to talk to you about, but I can’t do it here” He swallowed, and there was a cloud of smoke when he talked, it was freezing outside but your heart felt dead, “You just have to believe me when I say I’m doing this for your own good”

“I don’t understand…”

He closed his eyes, and the train at the signal crossing was still passing, giving you a few more moments of his vulnerability, “I’ve told you before. If we didn’t stop talking when we did…it would have led to something more that I can’t deny. I’m not going to regret my choices because I know why I made them. And that doesn’t mean I don’t care about you. I will always fucking care about you, it’s insane to even think anything else but…I can’t be in your life, and you can’t be in mine”

Tears threatened to shoot up, but you had some dignity clinging on so you said, “Then what is this? Why are you still being nice to me, making conversation? Why did you show up tonight? Why are you driving me home? If you don’t want me in your life, then just…stay out of it, Hyunjin”

He blinked, glossy eyes, and suddenly the car behind you honked. The train had passed, and you were free to cross.

His voice was shaking and this was the most emotion you’d seen in him in months, “I…couldn’t leave you at the party. It’s not safe…of course I had to drive you home. I would go insane if something happened to you”

You ripped your hands away from him, “Then I guess it’s a good thing that it’s not your responsibility anymore”

»»————-

The rest of the ride was fucking horrible. You stared out the window the entire time, and Hyunjin didn’t say anything else. Maybe it really was over now. What was left to salvage? You don’t know how much Kairi and Chan had heard, but it didn’t matter anyway. They were probably getting back together, which meant you couldn’t be a part of this anymore. If Kairi started hanging out with Chan again, you would obviously not be invited. Not after they witnessed you being such a bitch to their best friend. They were friends first, after all. You were the stranger.

“The next right turn” You mumbled, as you approached the street you lived on. Hyunjin brought the car to a stop. They were now awake in the backseat. You didn’t even know what to say. You unbuckled your seatbelt, grabbing your bag of things, avoiding eye contact with anybody, “Thank you for the ride home”

“I can walk you home” Chan offered.

“I’ll be fine. It’s a minute away” You replied, holding your bag to your chest.

“It’s really late out” Chan replied, insisting. You didn’t want to argue with him any further. The longer you argued, the longer you’d have to stay in this car, next to Hyunjin. He was looking at you, but he was pretending real hard not to. The eyes flickering back and forth, it couldn’t fool you. You’d become an expert on all things him. These secretive glances were all you had back then, so how could you not notice them now?

“Don’t worry about it, Chan” You replied, shooting them a smile so they believed you. Chan nodded, and you glanced at Kairi. She looked tired, but she was in his arms, so she was clearly very happy. She smiled warmly, and you wonder if they’d heard you breaking down. Her voice was soft and sweet, and she grabbed your hand, pressing a kiss to your knuckles, “Thank you for a perfect birthday, Y/N. You had a good time?”

“Of course.” You nodded. You were suffocating in here. You reached for the doorknob, but then you heard Hyunjin’s voice, “Good luck with class”

You couldn’t see the look in his eyes, but you’d die for it. You stepped out into the cold, glancing briefly back, “Yeah. Thanks.”

It didn’t matter because he had already looked away. It’s like he couldn’t bear to see you anymore.

»»————-

“Do you want to talk about it?” Your neighbour, Jeongin, stood in the doorway. You had been standing in the cold for a while, staring at the spot the car had been. It had driven off a while ago, but you could still picture it where it stood. The humming of the engine, the heat, the stupid 80s music stuck in your head. You had been so mean to him. He didn’t deserve it.

You looked at him in surprise, “You’re awake?”

“I work on European time” He shrugged, leaning against the doorway. It was freezing cold, and you could feel it in your bones. It had never been this way back home. “Let’s just go inside” You spoke.

“That sounds like a wonderful idea” He smiled, pulling you in by your arm, “I was wondering how the party went”

You followed him up the stairs, feeling like a zombie in each step, “It was good. I missed you at it. You should have come”

“I’m sure Nate kept you plenty company” Jeongin laughed, “Are you going to go to sleep now?”

It was almost six am, and the sun was rising. You don’t think you could fall asleep with these thoughts in your head. You glanced at him, “Why? You got something in mind?”

He grinned, like he'd been waiting for you to ask him this. And so you spent the dawn with Jeongin, in his cosy apartment, struggling over a 1000-piece puzzle and downing the red wine he’d brought you. He didn’t ask you any questions, which was nice. You wouldn’t even know where to start. He was sweet and he was always smiling, telling you about his work and all the new video games he’d bought. You prolonged everything, asking more questions, anything to keep the focus on him. You didn’t want to go back to your empty apartment and face your thoughts.

“How long have you been living here?” You asked. The window in his apartment was bigger than yours, facing out at the busy street, as the city woke up and came back to life.

“Almost my entire life. Moved here when I was twelve” He told you. You couldn’t bring yourself to be excited about this anymore, or about anything else. You missed your friends, the familiarity and comfort of them. You missed the diner, and it’s cheap coffee.

“Does it ever get easy?”

He laughed, “Honestly, no. Seoul…is hard to fall in love with, but once you do…you never go back”

You sighed, placing the final piece of the puzzle. You missed your art shop. It had always kept you safe and happy. If you knew it was going to be this hard leaving that behind, you would have thought twice, “I think…some people probably never get used to it. That makes me sad”

“Yeah?” He asked, “But you’re used to it now, aren’t you? You once told me it was written in the stars for you to come here”

“I don’t know if I believe in that anymore”

He relaxed on his couch, “I’m sure things will change. You’ll find something worth staying for”

You shrugged, pushing the puzzle to the side and it fell apart, all the pieces getting jumbled up. He didn’t complain about you ruining your hours worth of hard work. He just watched you grapple with your thoughts. You looked up at him, feeling hollow inside, “I think I made a mistake, Jeongin”

»»————-

Kairi had apparently found the best dessert shop in the city. She had pleaded you for hours until you’d decided to come. There were no seats inside the place, it was so busy, and so you and Kairi sat on a patio table outside. You looked around, as you swirled your hot coffee around. There were no leaves on the trees anymore. Winter had finally come.

“I’m going to bring Chris this when he gets back” She spoke, through a mouthful of brownie, “He doesn’t really have a sweet tooth, but I know he will love this. I once baked the boys this cake for Jisung’s birthday, and Chris said he hated it, but I saw him eat all the leftovers later. He literally stole mine too!” She laughed.

“When he’s back from where?”

“Oh, right. They’re in Japan. They had a flight the morning after my birthday, remember? Well, they’re supposed to show up at an event in Tokyo, and then they come back home for a few days, until they go back again. It’s the end of the season so there’s a bunch of award shows” She told you, sprinkling sugar crystals into her coffee. You didn’t know that they were in an entirely different country, “Must be hard. All the flying back and forth”

She shrugged, taking a sip of her drink, “Not really. They’re used to it at this point. It’s tiring, but…in their line of work, they have to learn to adjust”

Maybe that was your biggest flaw. You couldn’t adjust. To a different life, to new friends, to a new bed. To a life without him. 

“I’m sorry if I ruined your birthday”

Her eyes widened, and she kept her cup of coffee down, “What are you talking about? You’re the one that made it perfect. You made it happen in the first place!”

“Yeah, but…” You trailed off, feeling embarrassed, “You must have heard us”

She swallowed, “I didn’t hear anything. It wasn’t my business to.”

You looked up at her, “Chan must hate me”

“What? Why would he?”

You looked down, “I’m…an asshole”

She reached ahead, grabbing your hand, “No one thinks you’re an asshole”

You let out a sigh, and you didn’t believe her, but there was no point arguing. 

The next week, the boys flew back home. You only knew because Kairi told you. She had been counting down the days till they returned. She invited you out to a small get-together, but they would all be there. You said no. 

Slowly, all your plans with Kairi became into plans with Kairi and Chan. You wouldn’t mind at all, because you loved Chan. You just hated that he almost always came with Hyunjin. So you never went to any of those. He would be grateful. He probably never wanted to see you again either. Your time with Kairi became divided. You didn’t blame her. She was in love, and you wouldn’t deny her any time with him. It became obvious how much happier she was around him.

A week later, you realised you still had Hyunjin’s sweater that he’d given to you at the party. So, you washed it and returned it to Kairi, hoping he wasn’t angry that you kept it with you for so long. You’d truthfully forgotten. You wouldn’t want to keep anything of his longer than you had to anyway. 

»»————-

Nate was staring in awe at your painting. It was balanced on the easel, and you stood next to it, embarrassed at the attention it got. Nate laughed in disbelief, “Holy shit. That’s…beautiful. When did you get the time to make that?”

It was show-and-tell day. You were almost in the middle of your semester, and you were supposed to display your best work in class. You looked back at your painting. Ever since Kairi’s birthday, you hadn’t left your room. You’d been fixated on this. There was only one good thing left for you here, and it was this opportunity. You’d do anything to grasp at it, and maybe all your sadness and heartbreak had ended up being perfect inspiration. You had been endlessly inspired, each brushstroke came to you so easily. Perhaps all good art did come from suffering. Your best work to date you’d done when feeling your worst. You’d sniffled, and cried and fought your way through it.

“I…found time” You shrugged. Your hands were folded behind your back as you explained it to every single person who passed it. All the easels were set up in a circle, and it was almost like those expensive Château classes you could never afford to go to. Nate smiled at you, tilting his head, “You’re so mysterious. It suits you”

“I’m really not trying to be” You replied, “It just…came to me”

His eyes trailed over you. You’d tried to dress your best, an outfit you’d bought off the fancy boutiques, and it had cost you a fortune but none of your own clothes would fit the vibe. Nate’s voice dropped, “Is it weird if I say that you being coy is a turn-on?” 

You smiled at him, wondering why his words had no effect on you. He made you feel wanted. He flirted with you endlessly. He was attracted to you. He actually wanted to talk to you. 

But you knew that was all. He didn’t want to date you. He certainly didn’t have any intentions of a relationship. Perhaps, you didn’t want to just be wanted anymore. 

“Mmh. It’s…a little weird” You teased him.

Kim Jieong approached you, and you straightened up, pulling Nate to the side. He glanced at your painting, and he certainly looked impressed. There was a small smile on his lips, and he was observing your art with all the focus in the world, “How many hours did you spend on this?”

“Maybe…twenty”

He laughed at your feeble attempt of lying, “That looks like…it took a hundred, at the least. Is it all you did this week?”

You nodded, “That’s what I’m here for”

He looked at your painting again, “As your professor, I have to say that I wish you hadn’t sacrificed sleep for this, but…” He leaned in closer, voice dropping, “This is exactly why I picked you, sweetheart”

Your eyes widened, not used to this proximity, but you felt so special. He hadn’t said this to anybody else. He was far too close to you, but you blinked at him, “Are you proud of me?”

He laughed, lifting a finger up, “You’re not there yet”

Your face fell.

“I’ll be proud of you if you can get that done in a day” He smiled wide, hands clasped behind his back, “You should start preparing for next week. I want you to make something special. If you win, it’d mean a lot for you, Y/N”

You nodded, remembering the assignment. The best painting in the class would be chosen for a prize. A scholarship, and the chance to get your work displayed in Seoul Museum of Art. It would certainly make everything much easier, taking the burden off you, and you’d also get a perfect start. You would finally be able to prove your worth here.

»»————-

You’d been painting all day, and your clothes were ruined with stains. You were working on the assignment for next week, it had to be perfect to win, and you hadn't got much sleep, completely immersing yourself into this. In a little break, you laid on your couch, staring at the ceiling, waiting for the call to go through. Yeonjun picked up your phone call, and he sounded so happy on the other end. It had been a while since you’d talked to him and he apologised, “I’m sorry I’ve been so busy with work. There was a company retreat last week, and we went out to these cabins in the woods. It was straight from a horror movie, and there was no network there. I took some pictures for you though”

“How did it go? That sounds nice, to be away from everything”

He laughed, “It was. I missed you though. But…I have some news to tell you…something happened”

“Yeah?”

“Remember the girl from my work I said was cute? She…kissed me. We actually, ended up making out in the hot tub. It was really fucking nice” You could imagine him smiling on the other end, and it warmed your heart. You sat up, smiling, “Are you serious? That’s so…amazing. So…you guys made out? Is that all that happened?”

He laughed on the other end, “No. We…slept together. Every night of the retreat”

Your eyes widened, “You’re kidding me. So, you really really like this girl”

“I mean, yeah, things with her are so…simple and easy. She gets me, and she’s so fun to be around. Sometimes that’s just how it has to be”

You thought of the polaroids on his desk of Hana, “Did she never ask about the pictures on your work desk?”

Yeonjun laughed nervously, “I…ended up taking those down. It’s easier to move on that way. I mean, I won’t ever be over her, but…it’s a start”

“Yeah. You’re probably right”

“I may have discovered a new kink about myself” He joked, “I have an urge to just move to that cabin and live in that hot tub forever”

You smiled, “Maybe you should”

“How about you though?”

“Well…I’ve been trying to make my magnum opus. If I have the best painting in class, I get to win this insane amount of money for a scholarship, and…it’ll be perfect”

“Well, you’re obviously going to win. I already know you’re the best in class”

You smiled, “I appreciate your faith in me…I think I’m going to start working on it in the classroom. It’s going to be a really big canvas, and there’s not much space in my apartment”

“That makes sense. And um, I wanted to ask, how are things with…Hyunjin? Did you guys ever talk after you saw him in the shop?”

You lay back down, and the lie was on easy on your tongue, “I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since then”

“Wow. He…hasn’t even reached out to you?”

You shrugged, echoing his words from before, “I don’t care. It’s easier to move on that way”

»»————-

Your canvas lay across multiple tables, occupying most of the space in your classroom. You’d joined them all together, it had taken a lot of strength, but it was worth it. Now, you sat on top of the paper cross-legged in the center. It was easier to work this way, as if the entire floor was your painting. You hope you weren’t breaking any rules by being in the classroom after hours. You’d just wanted some time to work on your painting, and you weren’t exactly inspired at your place. Your anger from the past few days had manifested into this; an insane obsession to make this your best work ever. You would prefer that over sadness. This, after all, was the only reason you’d come here. Not for him. It was almost midnight, and you scooted across the canvas, filling in more details of your sketch. Your plan was far too ambitious, but you were going to have to go all out to win the contest. It was the only thing you cared about right now.

“I didn’t know anybody was in here” The voice made you jump. Nobody was supposed to come in here right now, the building was shut down. You glanced up, watching Kim Jieong walk in, and you smiled at him, “Professor. Hi”

His eyes narrowed in on your silhouette, and a familiar smile across his face, “Oh, it’s you. What…in god’s name are you doing on top of the tables?”

“Um, my canvas is pretty big, so I thought it’d be easier to work like this” You explained. He laughed loudly, “You’re adorable, Y/N. You know that?”

You sat back down comfortably, realising he would let you stay here, “Um. Thank you, professor”

He looked around, “Oh, please don’t let me interrupt you. Why is it so dark in here though? I can hardly see you"

Adjusting your canvas and brushes around it, you spoke, “I like it that way. I think much better in the dark, the lights were too bright. Plus, the moonlight looks really nice”

You think he smiled at your words but you couldn’t tell in the dark. You could barely see him, just his silhouette and you heard him laugh. You heard his footsteps as he approached his own desk, “So, we’re far from the final project. I’m curious why you’re in the studio”

You bit your lip, feeling anxious about all this effort you were putting in, “I’m working on the contest painting. The scholarship…I really want to try my best. I also don’t work too well at my apartment, I thought maybe I could work here”

“When I got a notification that a student was still in the studio, I was curious. I had to cut my dinner short”

“Oh” You blinked, feeling guilty, “I’m sorry. I didn’t know it notified you…”

“Of course, it’s for the safety of our students” He smiled, stepping towards your workspace, “Would you indulge me in what you’re working on…or is it a surprise?”

Your canvas wasn’t ready to show, “I’d prefer if you see it when it’s finished”

He laughed, and asked, “May I sit next to you?”

“Oh, you won’t be getting back to your dinner?” You asked, looking up at him.

“No, I’d like to stay here with you”

He was perhaps the only person in the world you wanted to be around right now, so you didn’t mind. His presence would calm and comfort you, “Of course. That’d be fine with me, professor”

He pulled a stool up close to your workspace. The greenhouse-studio was deathly quiet and he inched closer to your table. You stared at your big sketch, “I’m really sorry about interrupting your dinner. I thought it’d be fine if I let myself in”

“Don’t apologise, sweetheart. My wife was pretty tired anyway. Just gave us a reason to end the night early”

He was at dinner with his wife? You didn’t even know he was married, but he was in his late thirties so it made sense. You continued adding details, but you couldn’t focus when he was observing you so close. Thankfully the dark could conceal your expressions and embarrassment. You ought to feel proud. The greatest artist in the country was here to watch you paint.

“Have you…eaten dinner yet?” You heard him ask. You glanced up, gesturing to the side of the classroom where your leftovers lay, “Yeah, I had some chinese takeout. Although when I’m painting, I don’t get hungry for hours.”

He just hummed in response. You were grateful that your mentor wanted to sit with you so badly that he skipped dinner with his wife. But the other part disliked the supervision, and you did want some alone time. Still, he was the greatest living artist, so you’d learn to adjust to it. After everything that had happened, he was also your only hope of making it big in the city. He was the sole reason you were still here, spending thousands just to stay in Seoul so you could attend the classes. You looked at him, and he was admiring you while you worked, so you said, “I might be here all night. I wouldn’t want to keep you"

He frowned, “I don’t mind staying. I could get some work done too”

“Oh…sure” You looked back at your sketch, erasing off a mistake. He stood up, walking towards the cabinet, sifting through canvases. Usually, you weren’t awkward around him, but right now it was really late and you were tired to make small talk. But it’d be weirder if you just stayed quiet. You felt a need to fill in the silence with anything, “So, Professor, um…your wife. How did you meet her?”

He shrugged in your peripheral vision, not particularly excited to answer, “The usual. We were high school sweethearts. Got married as soon as we graduated. I was too focused on my art to pursue other women anyway”

You nodded. Well, that made it even more awkward. So you kept going, “Right. Wow. High school, that’s really cool. Was she…any of the inspirations for your paintings?”

“Some of them, yes”

“That’s really nice.” You smiled, sketching out the boundaries for the stars. The idea for this painting had come to you after waking from a dreamless sleep. You’d ended up researching for it for hours, making sure you were portraying accurate art. You couldn’t wait to present your concept next week.

“What about you?” He asked.

“Sorry?” 

“You have a boyfriend?”

You blinked, a nervous laugh escaping you, “Um…not currently. I’m also…I guess, trying to focus on my art, and build a career from it”

He smiled at you, crossing his arms, “Guess we’re more alike than I thought”

You looked back at your canvas as he walked closer to you, “The temptation to understand your sketch is a lot. Can you give me a hint as to what it’s about?”

You slid your sketchbook towards him, where you’d drawn up a miniature version of the sketch, “All I can tell you now is that it’s…a landscape, inspired by my time in the city so far. I was walking home the other night and I couldn’t help but notice the night sky. I’ve always liked it, and I know it’s been overdone in art, but I wanted to explore a new side of it. Someone once told me that there’s no stars in the city, which just…sounds so sad. I was thinking along the lines of that. What do you think so far?”

He pushed his glasses up, a proud smile on his face, “I think that…I’m incredibly lucky to have you. I can't wait to see what you'll do with this”

Your eyes widened, unsure how to respond, “Um…I mean, we’re the lucky ones. We get to study under you, Professor”

He laughed, his voice echoing through the empty studio, “Stop calling me Professor. I think you and me are way past that, don’t you?”

“It’s…only appropriate.” You frowned, going back to work. That was weird. You don't think you would feel comfortable calling him by his first name. And then, you felt another stupid need to fill in the prolonged silence. He was here watching you after all, you could just ask him all the things you’d wondered for years, “Um, I wanted to ask. The painting about the moons. Celestial Fatality. Did you paint that when you were in college?”

He hummed mindlessly, not really answering your question, then he grabbed your sketchbook off the table. Eyebrows furrowed, he stared at it, "I think you can work on your perspective, but these are nice. These hands. You’ve drawn them countless times”

“Yeah” You felt embarrassed, and climbed off the table so you could also see what he was looking at, “It’s a friend from back home”

“Did you draw these from observation?” He asked, as you joined him at his side.

“Hmm. He really wanted me to draw his hands,” You said, recalling the time Hyunjin made you observe them.

Kim Jieong laughed, “Can’t blame him”

A nervous laugh escaped you at those words, “Yeah.” What did he mean by that? You reached to get your sketchbook back. Instead of handing it to you though, he sat down on the desk, turning the pages of your book, “These ones are pretty good too”

“Yeah” You nodded, taking a seat next to him, unsure of what to do, “I made those a while ago”

As he turned another page, something drifted out, landing on the floor. Your eyes widened, and you reached for it. The photobooth strip pictures of you and Hyunjin. You felt embarrassed, but thankfully, Kim Jieong didn’t notice or see them fall out. You grabbed them, hiding them between your palms on your lap. There was nothing wrong with him seeing them, but…it was embarrassing and stupid to carry around pictures of a boy who wasn’t even your boyfriend. 

“You’re very talented” Kim Jieong spoke again, voice dropping low.

“Oh…thank you. It means a lot hearing it from someone like you” 

He finally put your sketchbook to the side, looking right at you. He did look kind of intimidating in this light, towering over you, “This scholarship means a lot to you?”

You swallowed, feeling embarrassed, “Yeah. I could use the help. It’s an expensive life here, and I’d really appreciate it. Plus, the exhibition would be a great kickstart to…a career”

“The others don’t need the scholarship. They just want it so they can win” He said, then leaned forward, “Don’t the rich kids get on your nerves sometimes? They don’t act out of necessity, but you…” He pointed a soiled paintbrush at you, “You’re wonderful because… you’re desperate”

“I’m sorry?”

“Desperate to be seen, and respected. As an artist, I mean. I don’t mean that badly, but all great inventions are born out of necessity. I think that’s why you stand out from the rest”

You didn’t know how to take this compliment, “I guess”

“You know you have the potential to go so many places?” He asked, tilting his head, waving your sketchbook about in one hand. It was so dark in here, and the building was completely empty except for the two of you. This…felt increasingly inappropriate. You were in the studio after-hours with your professor and he was far too close for comfort. He was your favourite artist…but he was still a grown man and you didn’t want to overstep as a student.

“What do you mean?”

He shrugged and stepped closer to you, caging you against the table, “I mean, the right people can get you into any exhibition you dream of in the world. Paris, New York, Seoul. Isn’t that what you fantasise?”

An awkward chuckle escaped you. He was far too close to you, “Yeah. That’s the end goal. The scholarship…would definitely make it easier to get there”

Suddenly, the sound of roaring thunder distracted you and you looked to the windows. The clouds had now hidden the moon, casting a dark shadow over the entire art studio. A chill ran up your spine, and you suddenly felt uncomfortable at his proximity.

“Um..I think the last bus home leaves in twenty minutes. I’ll try to catch it” You stated, shooting him a smile and standing up.

You took your bag, but Kim Jieong grabbed your arm, pulling you back towards him, “You can always convince me”

“Sorry?” You fumbled, stupidly. You…had to have heard him wrong. What was he talking about?

He smiled sweetly, and in the dark, his glasses glittered, “If you won the scholarship, the other students wouldn’t question it, you’ve already proven your worth to everyone”

“Right” You were unsure what he was trying to say, or hinting at. What the fuck did he mean by saying that you could convince him? “I should really go”

“It’s pouring. You’ll catch your death out there, Y/N” He stated, pointing to the storm outside. You swallowed, his grip on your arm foreign, “That’s fine. I have an umbrella”

“Ridiculous. I’ll give you a ride home” He shook his head.

“You really don’t have to. I already feel bad for ruining your dinner”

“Oh, stop apologising, Y/N. Your sweet talk drives me mad sometimes” His hand moved from your arm to your waist, wrapping around it and he pulled you closer to his body, "You stress too much. You need to learn to let things go”

You took a step back, unsure how to process this, “Professor…”

He closed the distance, and his other hand grabbed your chin, voice low in the dark room, “Why do you seem so nervous? You don’t have to be around me. We’re just talking, aren’t we?”

“Right” You were having a hard time breathing, panic surging through you. He was right. Of course. He was your professor. He would never hurt you or make you uncomfortable. He was a living legend. You shouldn’t be nervous. He was just being kind to you. He was the only person you’d looked up to your entire life, the reason you’d tried so hard to come here, and he would never do something wrong.

“I can see you struggling in class, and I know you’re doing everything you can to prove your worth. I’ve asked you this before, about what your dream is. ” He spoke, voice as low as a whisper, fingers gripping your jaw. 

“I…I don’t know what you mean” Your voice was shaking from the nerves, with no fucking idea how to navigate this situation. If you pushed him away, you’d lose all chance of winning the prize.

“Well….whatever it is” He smiled sweetly, and in the low light he looked less like the mentor you’d grown up loving and more menacing, “All you have to do…is ask me”

His eyes flickered to your lips, and back to your eyes. His grip on your waist was so tight, it felt like his palm was burning into your skin through your shirt. Had you somehow given him an alluded hint? He took a step even closer.

“I’m sorry….” You pushed him just enough so he wasn’t holding you anymore.

He looked surprised, eyes wide, and he laughed, “Y/N…What are you doing?” You grabbed your bag in a hurry, “I’m sorry. I should really go. The last bus…”

He called after you, but you rushed through the glass doors to the emergency stairwell. You didn’t want to be stuck in the elevator with him. You couldn’t breathe, legs moving off their own accord. A flash of lightning through the glass windows scared you, and you all but ran down the emergency stairwell, bag hanging off your shoulder, fists clenched. What the fuck. He obviously wasn’t making a move on you, right? You were just being paranoid. He was your professor. He was…the most famous artist in Seoul. He was the kindest person ever. You had to have been reading into things. 

You pushed the heavy door open, walking out onto the street. It was pouring rain, and you let out a breath, taking in the air. The rain soaked through your clothes, and you were shivering. You wanted to call Hyunjin so he could pick you up and so you could cry in his arms, the only place where you'd feel safe, but he'd never even given you his new number. He clearly wanted nothing to do with you. You looked down at your hands, and in your tension…you’d completely crushed the photobooth strip to pieces. 

Raindrops slowly trickled down, tracing the ruined paper in your palm. The only memory left of you and Hyunjin was now gone.

»»————-

You didn’t show up to class the next day. Or the next. Or the one after that.

You were still trying to wrap your head around it. Were you stupid for declining his advances and whatever he was suggesting? You couldn’t go back to class and face him. You’d be too embarrassed of your reaction. Maybe he wasn’t even suggesting anything and you jumped to conclusions. You had to have been imagining things. After all, he didn't actually do anything. Still, you’d ruined all your chances of getting the scholarship and succeeding in his class. What if he brought it up in class? What would the others think?

Your body was shaking from the cold. The heating in your apartment wasn’t working, so you sat on the floor, back to the kitchen counter, knees pulled up. You’d forgotten your huge canvas in class too, and it was probably in the garbage by now.

Your phone buzzed loudly, and Felix was calling. You picked up so he wouldn’t worry, but your voice sounded hollow, “Yes?”

“Babe. Where have you been? You’re not answering any texts the past week”

“I’m sorry…I got caught up in things. Is everything okay, Felix?”

“More than okay” He smiled on the other end, “I’m at the diner. They’re throwing a big party tonight! Apparently, it’s been ten years since it opened! Can you believe it?”

“Wow…it feels like we’d been going there our whole life”

“That’s what I said!” His excited voice came in, “So anyway for their anniversary celebration…all the drinks and food is free. You best believe I’m making full use of it”

You could hear so many familiar voices in the back, “Who all is there…?”

“Umm…well me and Minho, obviously. Hana’s here too. Seonmi, Eunbi and the others. Seungmin’s here as well.”

“Wow…I really wish I was there, Felix”

“Mm, I wish that too. Your apprenticeship better be worth it, Y/N. You’re missing all the good stuff. And everybody in Daejon misses you a lot. Mrs. Aera came up to me today and said the shop’s a mess without you haha”

“Really? It is? Mina isn’t taking care of it?”

“Ah, you know how Mina is. She can’t organise for the life of her. That shop was basically running because of you” He laughed, and you could hear him chew something.

“What are you eating?”

“Blueberry-chocolate waffles. There’s this new recipe Seonmi is trying out, and it’s so good. You should have it when you come back. How about you, love? Are you missing me a lot?”

“So much” You mumbled.

“Kim Jieong better be worth it” He sighed, “I guess I forgive you because you’ve been obsessed with him for years. Is he as dreamy as you imagined?”

“Um…” Your gut hurt, the memory of that night flooding through you, “Yeah. He’s…great”

“I’m sure he is” Felix chuckled, “I still remember how you stole all the magazines in the library that had his paintings in it”

“I didn’t steal them” You protested, “I just…borrowed them for a really long time”

He laughed, “To fawn all over your artist crush. I get it. And…what about your other lover? You accidentally bumped into him yet?”

You forced a smile, not having enough energy to protest that he wasn’t your lover, “No…I haven’t seen him”

“Well. Seoul isn’t that big, I’m sure you’ll find him. Or he’ll find you. Oh, I also forgot to tell you! A new cafe opened up in Daejon last week. It’s some fusion book-and-coffee cafe. They actually have the best coffee in town, no you didn’t hear me say that Seonmi” He started laughing, and you could hear them in the background. Suddenly, the past few months felt like a joke.

There were only two reasons you’d uprooted your life and come here. Now, you’d lost them both. 

So why were you still here?

Maybe you had acted rashly. You thought you’d fit in here, and that this was where you were meant to be. You’d felt stuck there, but here you weren’t any better. You'd probably only found the courage to come here because you knew Hyunjin was here too, and that was clearly...not the right thing to do. He didn't even want you near him, or anywhere in his life. He had made that plenty clear.

“I think I made a mistake” You whispered.

“Sorry?” Felix asked, still laughing loudly, “What mistake?”

“Moving out…I shouldn’t have done that”

“Wait…what? What do you mean?”

“I think I should come home”

“You’re messing with me. Right?” Felix laughed, “Didn’t you want to move to the city since you were fifteen?”

“But I was a kid. I didn’t know anything. I had no idea what to expect”

“Y/N…what are you saying?”

“I was happy in Daejon. I should never have come to Seoul” You stood up, moving to your bedroom.

It was like a parasite, an idea festering into your brain and heart, that maybe this was the reason for this unhappiness. Things were perfect in Daejon. Why had you been complaining all your life? All of your happy memories were there, so the logical thing to do…was go back to where they were created. Then you’d be happy again. You hadn’t learnt how to be happy in this house, in this city, in this new life. 

“Babe. I would be the happiest boy in the world if you came home to me, but maybe you should think this through. Did something happen? Why are you being like this?”

You grabbed your duffel bag off the shelf, “I can’t go back to class, Felix! I can’t. I messed up, big time”

“No, I’m sure you didn’t. You could never—”

“You don’t even know what happened!” You yelled. He fell silent on the other end, “Love. Just…what’s going on?”

You stared at your empty bag, “I’m…coming home. I should never have come here”

“Is that Y/N?” Minho’s familiar, comforting voice came in. You wanted to hug him and never let go. They were so far away. “Yeah” Felix responded to him, voice falling, “She says she’s…coming home”

“Give me the phone” Minho mumbled, “Y/N. What’s going on?”

You tossed your clothes in your bag, messily zipping it up, “I can’t stay here, Min”

“But what about the art classes?”

“If I don’t withdraw, I’ll probably be kicked out anyway” You mumbled, “I didn’t go to classes all week"

“You should think this through”

“I have thought it through! It was a stupid fucking mistake. One I needed to make. You know what they say anyway. The grass is greener on the other side. I just fell for the charms of the city, like everybody else”

“No disrespect but you’re making no sense” Minho’s voice was harsh, “You can’t just give up”

“Can you give the phone back to Felix please?” You asked.

“Fine” You heard it being passed around and then his voice came in, “Love. I’m here”

“Lix” You swallowed, “I know it seems like I’m being irrational, but I’ve been thinking about this for a while. I know it’s embarrassing and stupid, but maybe I was never supposed to be here”

Felix’s voice was so soft, calm, encouraging. You just needed to be near him, in his arms. “I believe you, Y/N. I’m gonna be okay with whatever you decide. I just really want you to think about this”

“I…I want to hug you, Lix” A sniffle escaped you, “I don’t want to go back to class” The idea had completely taken over you.

“Are you sure?”

“Nothing can make me stay” You swallowed. There was a sigh of resignation on the other end, and you knew he wouldn’t fight with you. He would agree with whatever you decided, and that’s what you needed right now. That’s why you called him, and not Yeonjun, or your other friends. Felix was the one person who wanted you home more than anything. He wouldn’t talk you out of it, even if this seemed like the stupidest decision you might be making. 

“What do you need me to do?” He asked, voice soft on the other end. Relief spread through you, and you stopped to look at the window outside your apartment, “A train ticket.”

You could sublease your apartment. You could figure the rest out from the comfort of your real home. You could go back to Aera’s, and get your life in order. You’d find a way to love Felix back. After all, he was the only one who wanted you the way you needed to be wanted. Maybe you were destined for that kind of life after all, where everything stays the same everyday. But that’s good, it was safe. The boy you loved had made you think that you belonged in the city, but he couldn't be more wrong.

That’s what you told yourself, at least, ripping your paintings off the wall. In your short-lived time here, you’d made and put them up to feel less lonely. There’d be no room to carry them back, so you bunched them up, carrying them to the garbage disposal in your apartment. As you shoved them in the disposal, you felt nothing. The hallway was warmer than your apartment and it made you feel a tad better.

Your phone buzzed again, and Felix had sent you something. The train ticket he’d bought for you. It was for tomorrow morning. You knew that you could always trust Felix, with anything. He would always be there for you, if nothing else. Perhaps you'd taken your friendship with him for granted this whole time.

“Need some help?” Jeongin asked. He was coming up the stairs, probably after having heard your struggle with the garbage. You shot him a smile, nodding. He came over, helping you, “Are you redecorating?”

“You could say that…”

“Wait. Are these your paintings?” He realised, stopping halfway.

“Can you help me with something?” You looked at him. He looked confused, and he was frowning, “Um. Sure. What do you need help with?”

“My suitcases…I don’t think the elevator is working”

“Are you going somewhere?” He tilt his head, further confusion scrunching his face. In another life, you and Jeongin could have been really good friends. 

“I’m just going home for a while” You mumbled, shutting the garbage door. For a while would be forever. He didn’t need to know that. It’s not like he would be sad, or miss your presence. 

“Oh. Okay. Of course, I’ll be there in a bit”

Back in your apartment, your phone buzzed again. It was your groupchat with Jeonghan and Minnie. You skimmed through the messages, feeling regretful.

yn are you sick? what’s going on? professor jieong told us you weren’t eligible for the prize anymore

You turned your phone off, staring outside the little kitchen window. The traffic wasn’t as loud as usual. It was a quiet night.

You hugged yourself, trying to find a singular reason to stay. Why had you wanted this life for so long? It had given you nothing but heartbreak, yet a part of you was so sad about leaving tomorrow. You squeezed your eyes shut, a single tear escaping. Maybe you wanted a sign to stay, despite everything in you screaming to leave. When you opened you eyes, your reflection mirrored on the glass pane and then you saw it.

A snowflake drifting down. It twirled in place and your eyes followed its path before it settled on your ledge, quickly crumbling into nothingness.

And then more followed, a flurry of snow falling like stardust. It was beautiful, a cloud of white enveloping everything so quickly, covering the street below. 

Your first snow in the city. 

A bitter smile tugged at your lips. 

The doorbell rang.

Jeongin was already here to help you with the bags. 

So much for a sign.

You grabbed your duffel, and your suitcase, wheeling it out. The quicker you moved with things, the easier it would be. Reaching for the rusty brass doorknob, you pulled the door open.

“Can you take this one? I’ll bring the other” You mumbled, pushing your things out. He nodded, still seemingly confused but he asked no questions, “What time’s your train?”

“In a few hours” You glanced at your phone, “But if there’s going to be a snowstorm, I’d prefer being at the station early…”

He grinned, still so happy and you wish he could share his secrets of eternal happiness, “Smart move. If it was me, I’d probably miss my train. Can’t tell you how many times that’s happened”

You smiled at him, “I can’t afford that”

“I called a taxi cab for you” He said. You nodded, “I’ll meet you downstairs. Thank you, Jeongin”

You stepped back into your apartment. There wasn’t much you’d brought with you, so there wasn’t much you had to take back. You’d never grown fond of this apartment. It had always felt like an inbetween place, while you waited your life to be perfect. Waiting was doing no favours for you.

You shoved your sketchbook into your duffel, putting on your coat before closing the apartment door behind you, and your throat closed up as you realised what you were doing. This was so fucking stupid, and this was rash but what else could you even do? Maybe you could come back to the city in the future if you wanted, but right now it was a terrible decision. You would go back home and you would hug Felix, and maybe you would kiss him and the ache in your heart would be better. The thought of his arms around you, as someone who genuinely cared about you, already made you want to cry.

You unceremoniously dragged your bag across the landing, and the taxi must have arrived already because you heard a loud honk.

It was freezing in the otherwise heated hallway. Your breaths came out in soft mists.

The door downstairs must have been left open, sending cold winds and flurries of snowflakes up the apartment. 

Jeongin would never forget to do that…

As you approached the top step with your bags, you realised who’d left it open.

Draped in a beige trench coat, cheeks red from the cold, Hyunjin stood at the bottom of your staircase.

»»————-

masterlist ⇒

please let me know if you liked the chapter, or any thoughts on this part! thank you :) 

#hyunjin x reader #hyunjin angst #hyunjin smut #skz x reader #fluff #hwang hyunjin x reader #fanfiction #skz imagines

[elizabethwritesmen]

The Devil Wears Lace

chapter 3 : February 14, 2023

pairing: simon “ghost” riley x reader

summary: simon still plagues your mind, so you’re overjoyed when he shows up at the bar on valentine’s day. you guys get a little closer, but the night ends on a bad note.

warnings: 18+ for eventual smut, pining, flirting, reader is assaulted, simon gets violent, i think that’s all but let me know if i missed anything!

series masterlist

February 14, 2023

Four months passed and I felt any hope I had of seeing Ghost again vanishing. It was pathetic, really, how I’d gotten so wrapped up in a man whose face I hadn’t even seen. A man that grunted more than he talked and was not personable at all. A man that likely wanted nothing to do with me. A man without a name.

I was honestly embarrassed of myself, ashamed that I’d become such a mess over a man. I was the one who was supposed to make men feel helpless. Not the other way around. But kicking up the flirting with my regulars seemed to help, plus it magnified my tips, along with the fact that my boss changed our uniform skirt from the mid thigh one we were accustomed to, to one that barely fell below our asses.

It was Valentine’s day, so I wanted to look extra special. It was always a great tip day, lonely people filling the tables up, getting drunk and tipping extra. Lonely men thinking they’ll have a chance if only they’re nice and give me more. So I painted my lips dark red, and slipped on some thigh high stockings with garters and a lace trim, sliding my black sneakers over them.

“Whew!” Sabrina exaggerated as I walked in the door that morning, “You look even better this year than you did last year!”

“Thanks, I try,” I winked, tapping her nose as I made my way behind the bar and clocked in.

The hours passed by until finally night fell. There had been copious amounts of loneliness, drinking, and tipping, just as I had predicted.

“Y’look different,” his voice was rough, like a callous on the hands of a hardworking man, and it shattered my insides on impact. I took a moment to steady myself from it before turning around from my position facing the bottles.

There he was, decked out with his mask on his face. I forgot how to breathe for a second, then choked out a small cough and did my best to appear normal and natural.

“Ghost,” I greeted, with a million dollar smile.

“New uniform?” his eyes fell to my legs, but only for a second, before meeting mine again.

“New skirt but the stockings are a personal touch.”

“Gotta give the men hell somehow, right?”

“Exactly, and these have been doin’ the trick,” I grinned, eyes on my legs, too shy to look at him.

“What’s goin’ on in that head o’ yours?” he asked, “You were all big and bad last time I saw you and now you’re shy?”

“I know I said this last time, but I didn’t think I was gonna see you again.”

He grunted in his usual way, ordering a whiskey neat and gesturing over to a table that his friends were crowded around when I handed it to him.

“They all want to say hello to you, whenever you have a chance to drop by,” he explained, and I nodded as all the boys turned towards me, proving his point. “You don’t have to, though. If they make you feel uncomfortable. I know they’re a lot.”

“I like them,” I shrugged, “They’re different than the other guys that come in here. You’re different too. It’s a nice change of pace.”

“You mean it’s nice that they’re not falling for all the shit you say?”

I had the audacity to look sheepish for a second before nodding, eyes trained on his, and he scoffed lightly and went on his way, barely sparing me a glance back. I grinned, victorious in the way I annoyed him. I wanted to annoy him and get under his skin.

“I see he’s back,” Sabrina spoke from beside me, eyeing up their table.

“Yeah.”

“Well, what’re you waiting for, Daph? Go solve the mystery!” she teased, and I rolled my eyes at her. “Seriously, girl, you’ve been here pining over him since the day he saved you. Go, talk to him!”

“I haven’t been pining over him.” My words were sharp, razor edged but turned feeble because I knew I was just being defensive. “I don’t pine over people.”

“You certainly never have before but there’s a first time for everything.”

I thought for a second, “This doesn’t mean I want him or anything. I don’t. I just need to get the flirting out of my system so that when he leaves this time, I won’t be wondering whether or not he’s ever gonna come back.”

“If that’s what you need to tell yourself,” she giggled, pushing me in the direction of them and slapping my ass on my way.

One of them I recognized as Gaz let out a slight whistle, “There she is!”

“Hey,” I offered, grin coy on my face.

“What’re you doin’ here all alone on Valentine’s Day?” he asked me.

“I’m working,” I furrowed my brows, gesturing around as if it was the most obvious thing in the world.

“Yeah, but you seem like the type of girl who’d have something to do today.”

“I do…” I hummed, stepping closer to them until I was leaning on the table, “I’m here to make lonely men who can’t keep a girlfriend feel better with booze so they’ll give me money.”

“Now that sounds more like you,” he laughed, and the others joined him, all except Ghost. His eyes just trained on me like they were supposed to be there.

“What’re all of you doing back? More ass to kick?” I turned away to distract myself with the other boys.

“Yeah, and Ghost insisted we come see you,” the other one, Soap, smirked, glancing at the Lieutenant, who stayed silent but his eyes were deadly.

“That’s cute,” I winked at him, “Of all the men that come in here, tall dark and deadly over there is my favorite.”

“You can tell us all about it when you get off and join us,” Gaz urged, and I sighed with a shake of my head.

“I’ve gotta close up tonight, boys. I’ll be here until 3.”

“Oh, we’ll probably stay that late anyway then so the Lieutenant can walk you to your car,” Soap’s voice was light, teasing, an edge to it and he didn’t dare look at Ghost. Smart move, because the glare he was receiving was positively fatal.

“Well if that’s the case,” I drawled, sliding up beside the man himself and giving his shoulder a little squeeze, something I’d not done before but it sent chills all over me the second my skin met the fabric of his clothes, “I’ll make sure to keep the drinks coming.”

“And the conversation!” They called after me as I walked away, and I threw them a wink over my shoulder.

I did as promised, rounding back to their table every so often. I didn’t want to do it too much, didn’t want to give Ghost the satisfaction, but I did it just enough to sate the feelings I’d been feeling for him before they overwhelmed me. I noticed how good he smelled, and just how large and built he was, and that didn’t make it any better as I found an excuse to touch him every time I went by their table. He seemed like a man that didn’t want to be touched but he must not have minded when I did it. He made eye contact with me every time though, his expression a warning to me. Tread lightly. But I never liked listening to warnings and I never liked playing by the rules, so I only got more brazen, until I’d slid one hand down his chest and taken his own hand in mine.

“It’s almost 3,” I observed, “You really gonna walk me to my car?”

“Do you think I need to?” his tone was teasing, and I fed right into it.

“Oh, yes, please. I’m so scared something will happen to me if I walk alone.” My voice was exaggerated, light and damsel-like for dramatic effect.

“You walk alone every night.”

“You don’t know that,” I countered, and his eyes snapped up, burning hot into mine.

“Oh, ‘s that right? You’re having these bumbling assholes from the bar walk you out? You’re not scared of them at all?”

“I can take care of myself, Ghost,” I sighed.

“Against a man who’s bigger than you and has combat training? A man you’ve teased for God knows how long that might finally want to get his hands on you?”

I leaned forward, lips a ghost on the fabric covering his ear, and whispered, “I dare any of them to try it.”

“You’re pretty cocky,” he grumbled.

“It’s always worked for me,” I shrugged with a wink as I pulled away from him.

A moment of silence passed before he spoke, as if he had to think about his words. Or maybe he just wanted to leave me in suspense. “Yes, I’m walking you to your car.”

“Good,” I hummed, walking away again. I hoped I was driving him as insane as he was driving me, all of the give and take between us becoming a lot to handle but I could do it and I knew he could keep up.

As I waited patiently for the clock to strike 3 so we could do last call, my eyes kept falling to the way he lifted his mask over his mouth to take a sip of his drink. Finally, when Sabrina went around telling everyone we were closing up, he did it one last time and drained his glass, placing it roughly back on the counter and pulling the fabric back down. Not before I could observe him, though, pale stubbled skin framing pretty pink sinful looking lips.

They waited for me as I rushed to clean up, and then we all walked out together. The boys said goodbye to me just like the last time before heading in the opposite direction, and Ghost turned me towards my car.

“Don’t you think it’d be smart to stop parking in the alley?” he grunted, and I laughed, a breathy and light thing falling from my lips.

“Maybe.”

He glared at me, his eyes extra bright behind his mask. Deep and brown, I swore I got lost for a second in them before clearing my throat and turning away.

Once we finally reached my vehicle, I was alarmed to find a man leaning against the drivers’ side. I recognized him. I’d served him earlier, he’d ordered way too many drinks. He was upset over a breakup or something and he’d told me that I was the only thing keeping him going. That I was better than his ex anyway. That she was a whore and I was an angel sent just for him. They loved to call me that. Angel. Of all the men, though, I had to give it to this particular one. He was unsettling, even in the bar he had been, his words seeming less like compliments and more like dirty degradations making me feel ill. He seemed demented in some way, like he was thinking the most horrible things about me. The nastiest things about me, and the only way to let them out was to shoddily flirt. I could see why his ex left him.

“There you are, Angel,” his voice was like a snake, slithering up my spine and leaving chills in its wake. “Been waiting a while for you.” He took one last swig out of the almost empty bottle in his hand then threw it to the side, watching as it shattered on the pavement.

“What’re you doing out here? It’s late, go home,” I set my jaw, stepping forward slightly and shaking Ghost off when he tried to stop me. I didn’t need him to fight my battle for me. I was a grown woman, more than capable of dealing with a too-drunk idiot who was waiting for me by my car.

“What am I doing? What are you doing? Leading a man on then sending him on his way like it doesn’t matter?” Every word was loaded like a gun, and he advanced towards me, blocking my path to my car.

“Get the fuck out of my way,” I hissed, voice low, anger flaring up.

“I don’t think I will. Send your little boyfriend on his way, sexy, we’ve got some stuff to discuss,” he lunged at me, reaching for my arm and I only had a second to panic before a hand was twisting in my shirt, yanking me roughly back. I realized it was Ghost, putting me behind him, as distant as possible from the scene unfolding before me.

Ghost slammed the guy against the wall, forearm to his throat, dwarfing him.

“You sure about that?” he growled, his voice deeper and more terrifying than anything the other man had said, but somehow it made me feel safe.

“Get the fuck off of me,” the guy spat, and Ghost chuckled darkly.

“What’s your name?” Ghost asked, but it was more of a demand than a question.

“Why?”

“Because by tomorrow you’ll be stripped of your rank and if you ever bother her again, I’ll make a trip back here just to kill you.”

“You can’t do that.”

“Watch me.” That was a dare, chilling and foreboding.

He threw the smaller man to the ground, and watched as he scampered away on his hands and knees, thoroughly terrified.

“I could’ve handled that,” I huff as soon as he’s gone.

Ghost has the nerve to laugh at that, full and sharp, before advancing lightly on me.

“You think so, angel?” The word from him was mocking, as if to prove his point to me.

“Don’t call me that.”

“Sorry, would you prefer sexy?”

“Stop,” I yelled, “I could’ve handled it, I didn’t need you to step in and be a hero.”

“You couldn’t have. And that’s your problem. You’re not scared enough. You’re too good of a girl to be throwing caution to the wind like that.”

“Why should I be scared?”

“Do you know what that idiot was planning?” I stayed silent, eyes on his like a challenge as he raised his voice, “Well do you?”

“I have some ideas.”

“Exactly. And you stepped up like an idiot. He was bigger than you, and he was plastered, so you wouldn’t have been able to overpower him. You’re not scared enough, and you should be, because you’re crossing the line between bravery and stupidity.” I stayed quiet again, knowing he was right. I’d found my way into a situation that I could not, in fact, deal with on my own and I was thankful he was there. “Stop parking in the alley. Stop walking to your car alone. I mean it.”

I nodded slowly, “Okay.”

“Get in the fucking car and go so I’ll know you’re safe.”

I walked towards my driver’s side door, then paused, turning back. He was looking at me expectantly, and I approached him slowly, leaning up to kiss his covered cheek like I had the first time.

“Thank you, Ghost,” I whispered, falling back on my feet and getting in the car. I went home, shaking from the adrenaline that was coursing through me. I had to admit, that was one of the scarier things that had happened to me working there.

But Ghost was so quick to put himself in front of me, to defend me, to protect me. Any chance I had of getting him off my mind was gone, all I could see were his forearms as he pressed the guy into the bricks. I couldn’t help it as my mind wandered into dark territory, places it should never go when men I might not see again are involved. He was hot. That much was clear, and the fact that every single part of him was deadly made it worse. I wondered what else he could do. How he could take something so dangerous and use it to make me come apart. I could feel the ache settle in my bones when I accepted my want for him, knowing it wouldn’t ever leave.

#simon riley smut #simon ghost riley #simon riley x reader #simon riley x you #simon ghost x reader #simon riley #ghost x reader #ghost x you #ghost smut #ghost x reader smut #simon riley x reader smut

[firegirl888101]

i don’t remember if i ever sent something like this but i got an idea (kind of a self indulgent request…)

(set in the insatiable madness series) reader with younger siblings? that y’know… survive? i don’t think i could handle them dying. having to be their main caretakers now that the parents are gone. whew, poor meow meow reader, having to take care of their siblings AND 11 harbingers. esp if said siblings are really young…

maybe they stayed at home during the massacre at the mc donalds and that’s why they haven’t died, and then reader told them to hide in their room before letting the harbingers in so they wouldn’t find out (eventually they are mentioned by reader and are somewhat pestered by childe to meet them…)

I think I'll also answer a frequent question I get along with this so thanks for requesting it! @magica-ren

I've been frequently asked what happened to the children at McDonald's when the harbingers were killing everyone who wasn't Y/N. (I purposefully didn't write/mention children being at the scene for this very reason 😭)

But, thinking about it after so many people questioning it, I'll address it with some extra information that didn't make it into the chapter/view.

(maybe it did, I can't remember. Either way - the information I'm about to spill is canon to the story...)

It was a Friday afternoon, children were only just coming out of school meaning not many children/teens were at the scene. But, for the children that were in there, let's just say a certain 'Father' familiar with children convinced the other harbingers to let them run away.

As for 'The Father' letting them run away, there's a point they brought forward to save the children's lives.

"Let us not shed unnecessary blood in the company of innocent children. They will have close to no information regarding the one we are looking for, therefore, we should spare their lives."

So, yeah. To the question!:

'Reader with siblings in the Insatiable Madness series'

Originally I was going to make Y/N have a sibling or two. But, as I was planning I realised a couple problems with that.

Most readers will most likely not have siblings. (I don't for an example). When it comes to Y/N's, I like to have them as blank as possible for readers to fill in either themselves or their OC's.

The whole point of the series is to emphasise how alone Y/N is. They are pressured to not say anything, yet somehow introduce and care for their kidnapper's. If Y/N were to have siblings, yes, they would have more pressure, but they would be able to talk to someone about their situation and not worry about them being killed.

That's way too many characters for me to remember and attempt to write. Whilst I'm up to the challenge, there's still some characters the reader's haven't met yet. 😉

-

In a hypothetical sense though, I can see the siblings being a strength and also a weakness for Y/N.

On one hand, they are a source of comfort and a genuine sign of normality for the reader. The siblings actually care for their sibling and respect them for taking care of them whilst their mum and dad are 'away'. I think that younger siblings would still be at school so they wouldn't know what happened, if Y/N had older siblings... I guess they'd have to give the reigns to Y/N as they're the only one who knows who the Harbingers are.

I can see the siblings as an option for distraction in case Y/N needs to do something that cannot be seen, such as an attempt to escape to call for help. I can also see them as a venting mechanism, and a second opinion towards their plans if they're old enough. They also most likely keep the reader sane during this whole experience and becomes a symbol of hope to them. The siblings also a reason to be defensive against the harbingers, a reason to not give in to them due to being powerless...

One the other hand, the harbingers can use Y/N's siblings to... make them agree and do things they wouldn't normally want to do. They would be in a lot of danger - and could actually be killed if the reader doesn't obey. If the siblings are young, they most likely won't be harmed. But they will definitely be if Y/N hesitates or acts too cocky towards them in any conversation or act... I feel the harbingers would also threaten the siblings behind Y/N's back, causing them to behave strangely and not talk to Y/N, maybe try to convince them not to do something that the harbingers will get angry at.

Buuuuut, if the siblings are young, perhaps some of the more paternal/maternal harbingers whom are affectionate and used to children can gain their trust. Gaining the trust of Y/N's siblings could get them in good favours with them soooo, if they're yandere or looking to emotionally manipulate them - that's their best way to their heart.

-

Oh yeah, and I think I've mentioned this throughout all of the paragraphs... If Y/N had siblings, they'd be their biggest and most obvious weakness.

There's definitely more to write here, but I've had this ask in my drafts for a couple weeks unfinished now and I want to focus on new asks which include some story involved <3

[aloneinthehellfire]

Chapter 8: Separate Ways

Season One | Season Two | Season Three | Season Four

Raining Hellfire: Season Four

Word Count: 2550 words

Warnings: swearing, vecna's curse [canon-typical violence], mentions of death, brief mention of torture, lots of trauma in this one whew

[A/N: did someone order a heaping pile of angst??]

Separate Ways

The room was empty, chandelier pieces still scattered around your feet as you stand there.

Alone.

You didn’t know where everyone went, panic setting in as you whisper their names into the darkness. But no one was there.

Or, so you thought.

“Y/n”

Vecna’s voice vibrated through the walls and you squeeze your eyes shut, shaking your head. Please, please, please.

“It’s time you know the truth”

You slowly open your eyes, anxiety expecting the red veined figure to be staring at you with ghostly eyes. But the room around you had changed instead.

You were still in the Creel House, now situated just in front of the door, staring back at the staircase. This time, you had a clearer view of the couple you had envisioned earlier.

A man, dark haired, was stood smiling down at a woman with a pretty prominent bump. She was pregnant. And something about her soft features reminded you of someone.

Frowning, you follow them as they walk up another step, laughing into conversation.

“Come now, Michael,” The woman smiled, her pretty features only enhanced by the glow of her pregnancy, “Don’t tell me you’re scared.”

“Never.” Michael raises his chin before resting a hand on her stomach, “But I’m worried that a fright could harm you.”

“I’m weeks away from my due date.” She bats him away with a flick of her wrist, instead looping her arm into his. “Besides, we didn’t travel all this way just to back out now, did we?”

“Jennifer.” Michael sighed, “Someday, you truly will be the death of me.”

His hands came up to cup her face and you slowly shake your head, wondering why Vecna chose to show you this. You had no idea who this couple was, nor did you think it would hurt you enough to allow him to take your soul.

“Michael and Jennifer” Vecna’s deep voice echoed out, darkening the joy of the scene in front of you, “They were drawn to the darkness, just like you”

“What…” You try and make sense of it all, eyes focused on the people but retaining no information.

“Their love for horror brought them here” He continues as you watch them ascend another stair, “But it cost them”

In that moment, Jennifer yells out in pain. The lights in the house start to flicker aggressively, casting haunting shadows onto the walls behind them as Michael reaches for her.

You step forward before realising you couldn’t help. This wasn’t real.

“Jen?!” Michael yells as she suddenly crouches to the floor, clutching her stomach.

“The baby.” She cries and the Creel House began to shake.

Flashing lights soon beamed from behind you, an ambulance arriving and carting Jennifer from the house, Michael holding her hand.

“I don’t understand.” You whisper, watching as the Creel House faded and formed into an old, vintage room you didn’t recognise, Jennifer holding her new born baby with teary eyes.

“Watch” Vecna orders and you swallow your fear, turning back to the couple once more.

They looked down at their baby, smiles etched into their faces before the door bursts open, a man stepping through with a few men in hospital clothing just behind him. Your breath hitched in your throat as you stared at the one in charge, older with striking white hair. El’s previous captor.

Brenner.

Behind him, a boy around the age of 18 stood with his hands clasped in front of him, dressed in white and seemingly awaiting orders. He had defined features, hair a perfectly cut blonde.

“My name is Dr. Martin Brenner.” He introduces himself to the shocked couple, extending a hand.

Michael stands from his chair, cautiously reaching out to shake the hand. “Doctor?”

“Is something wrong with our baby?” Jennifer panics, gently rocking the child in her arms.

“Quite the opposite.” Brenner steps forward, peering down at the baby. “In fact, I have reason to believe that your child is quite… extraordinary.”

“Extraordinary how?” Michael questioned, moving back to his wife.

“Don’t you find it strange that you went into labour weeks before you were meant to?” Brenner raised an eyebrow, “Or perhaps, the fact that your baby has yet to cry? I assume they were born into the world with… flickering lights?”

“What do you want from us?” Michael lowered his voice, a protective arm making its way around Jennifer’s shoulders.

“I am not a stranger to individuals such as your child.” He glances back at the boy stood patiently behind him, “I take them into my custody, allow them to grow under strict conditions in order to reach their full potential. It is rare to find someone who possesses any kind of ability, but we were alerted to your child’s presence once they showed immediate signs of a powerful being.”

“You want to take our baby?” Jennifer whispers out, clutching her child tightly.

“No.” Brenner shakes his head. “We need to take your baby.”

You stare at the scene as Michael stands from his chair, fist balled up in an angry flare.

“You will do no such thing.” He warns, glaring, “Now leave.”

Brenner simply sighs, nodding his head at the boy behind him. Finally, the boy unclasps his hands and moves forward, stretching his arm out in a manner you’ve seen El do multiple times.

“Then I suppose we must do this the hard way.” Brenner states, nodding his head once more and your blood runs cold.

Michael is suddenly flung against the wall, screams leaving his wife’s lips as the boy steps forward, crushing each of his bones.

You stumble back, a gasp escaping your lips as you watch Michael drop to the floor, covered in blood, mouth gaping open.

“Find her.” Brenner says and you whip your head around to see that Jennifer had suddenly vanished, the back door wide open.

“His death wasn’t the last” Vecna returned, changing the world you stood in once again until you found yourself staring at a familiar building, heart beating with erratic jumps.

A tear slipped down your cheek as you watched Jennifer hand the baby to an elderly woman, wiping away her tears and leaving a final kiss on her child’s head.

“She knew they would find her eventually” Vecna continued and in the corner of your eye, you see some kind of window, shining into a dark room that made your throat close up.

Tied to a chair, Jennifer’s head hung loosely, blood pouring from her head as the boy you had seen before stood in front of her with a murderous glint in his eye.

“Tortured and murdered” Vecna said simply, the words circling your mind over and over, “She never gave up the whereabouts of that child, forcing the men to wonder day in and day out if they would ever find it again”

Everything faded to pitch black, the darkness swallowing you whole as you breathed unsteady breaths.

“But they did”

It takes a moment for you to truly see what Vecna is showing you; a vision of the past. From a new perspective.

You can see the party, El clinging onto Mike’s back as she stares wide-eyed at Brenner.

“Go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go, go!” Dustin shouted and they started pedalling their own bikes.

“Y/n! Come on!”

You whip your head to where you stood, one foot on the ground as you frowned towards the man you never realised you knew. Brenner’s eyes found yours, his face dropping.

He knew you.

The vision faded as quickly as it came before everything plunged into darkness. All you could hear were your heavy breaths, the pounding beat of your heart in your head. But Vecna wasn’t done with you yet.

Up ahead, a light shone down on a girl laying on her bedroom floor, convulsing.

You didn’t want to move, shaking hands covering your mouth.

The desk lamp flickered as black dust entered her mouth, her body slowly raising off the ground as her eyes submitted to the dark. You didn’t need a closer look to understand what was happening.

Because you had lived it.

“Your parents died protecting you”

“No.” You let out a choked sob, falling to the ground and landing in a red puddle, soaking your jeans straight through.

Vecna stepped out of the shadow, looking down at you with a tilted head.

“You always wanted to know where you came from, who you were” He leaned closer, forcing your head to raise and meet his eyes, “You’ve been causing deaths since the day you were born”

Tears rolled down, staining your cheeks. It couldn’t be true. None of it could be true.

“The power you possess is far from your control” Vecna reaches his right hand out to cup your chin, bringing you to your feet and keeping your eyes on him, “This place is older than time and yet you were the first to connect with it”

“I don’t know what you’re talking about.” You cry, unable to tear your eyes away from his milky white stare.

“When I came here, I found a mass of ancient particles that held stronger power than I had ever seen” His hand reaches up to grip your throat, “And despite all my efforts to take control, it always chooses you”

The claws tightened, restricting your breathing and you begin to struggle, trying to push him away.

“What do you want from me?” You gasp out before he throws you back, your arms and legs suddenly covered in vines and pinning you against the spindles of the staircase banister.

“Time is ticking, Y/n” Vecna begins to creep closer to you, the gravel in his voice sending pained shivers down your spine, “And you’re the only thing stopping me from completing everything I’ve planned for you and your little friends”

“You won’t win.” You try, your voice breaking as the feared hand claws above your face, the energy draining from your body.

“You have suffered enough” He announces, leaning close to whisper in your ear, “I can take away your pain”

His hot breath bared onto your cheek, flushing the tears streaming down. He had caught you in his web, and you did all you could to rip out of those chains. But nothing worked.

It was like a headache burned behind your eyes, his force compressing your bones until you cried out in pain.

His sinister smile would be the last image you’d see.

Here we stand

Vecna growls as music echoes around you both, his hand almost touching the tip of your nose.

Worlds apart, hearts broken in two, two, two

You try to focus on the lyrics, but your mind keeps slipping away. You can feel yourself drifting, Vecna’s curse taking effect.

Sleepless nights

Losing ground I’m reaching for you, you, you

“This is what you’ve always wanted, Y/n” Vecna tilts his head again, narrowing his eyes, “I see those thoughts you’ve tried so hard to hide”

Feelin’ that it’s gone, could change your mind

“You are afraid that they no longer need you”

You start to give up, submitting yourself to Vecna’s curse as your eyes flutter shut. Any happy memories you had were disappearing, replaced by the reasons you should let him kill you.

“You are afraid of being alone”

If we can’t go on

“They will all be better off without you in their lives” Vecna threatens, a horrifying smile on his face, “You are their curse”

To survive the tide, love divides

“Y/N!”

Max’s voice splits into Vecna’s mind games, pulling you away from him.

You open your eyes to find a swarm of black dust hovering in the air, waiting. As another tear slips from your eye, a glimmer of hope flutters in your chest.

You needed to fight.

“Let me help you” Vecna orders harshly and your eyes drift back to his.

“No.”

A single word leaves your lips and your mind clears, eyes burning black as the particles scurry towards you, grasping onto Vecna before throwing him across the lake of blood.

In an instant, you see your way out; a window looking in to the Creel House, your body floating in the air as your veins start to turn black. Everyone is screaming at you. And the music bursts back into your head.

Someday, love will find you

Creating a wall of black dust between you and Vecna, you run.

Break those chains that bind you

Your legs took you faster than you thought possible, heart yearning to reach the portal and return to your friends. Return to Max.

“NO” Vecna’s voice booms and you feel the wall you built crash down, piercing pain into your chest.

Stumbling to the ground, you look back at where Vecna stood, hand balled into a fist and taking small control of the particles in front of him, restricting their movements.

One night will remind you

How we touched and went our separate ways

The song pulls back your focus and you scramble to your feet, staring back at Vecna as he suddenly points at you. The black dust slowly starts swarming before shooting towards you and your breath hitches.

Looking back at the portal, your nose was running black and you could feel the toll it had on you.

You weren’t powerful enough to stop that.

If he ever hurts you

“Y/n, please!”

True love won’t desert you

Max’s cries pull you closer to her, sprinting to the exit in attempt to outrun the chaos Vecna had created.

You know I still love you

A scream escapes your lips at the first attack, the particles tugging at your feet. You stumble before catching yourself. You were so close.

Though we touched and went our separate ways

Another attack pulls you away and you land on your back, wind being knocked from your lungs. In a panicked attempt at breath, you turn onto your front, staring at how Vecna was suddenly descending the crimson hill, heading towards you.

“Y/N!”

The screams distracted you for a mere second. When you look back, Vecna is staring down, directly above you. His claws reach down to you.

“NO!!”

You whip your head back to the portal, seeing how your body was faltering mid-air, arms dangling by your side. Vecna keeping you here only made you weaker, your power draining the life from you. But you needed one last push.

As Vecna’s pull raises you from the slippery puddles, you reach your arms out either side of the monster to the black dust hurtling towards you.

And, in a flash, you use it to push you backwards, throwing you towards the portal and away from Vecna’s roar of anger.

Everything turned black and you were falling. Deeper and deeper down. You didn’t breathe, you didn’t struggle.

You just…

...fell...

Until a sore gasp left your lips and you crashed to the ground, barely able to move.

Everyone was rushing around you all at once, Separate Ways still blaring into your mind. Max’s face appeared in front of you, her own ears bare.

“Y/n?” She cried, pulling you into a hug and sobbing into your shoulder.

Once you regained the feeling in your limbs, your arms wrap around and cling to her, all the other voices drowning out.

True love won’t desert you

Chapter 9: The Shire Is Burning ->

if any are unable to tag i will colour them in red, my only suggestion is to check ur visibility settings :)

taglist: @gnnnne / @beepisbeep / @paintballkid711 / @eddiesbirdie / @livasaurasrex / @darktimelegends / @jackierose902109 / @mvrylee / @chervbs / @eternallyvenus / @nervouscatsuit / @f1nn-wolfhard / @hereiamhereigo / @ladybug0095 / @fangirling-4-ever / @astrolockley / @mothmanatemycat / @sheisjoeschateau / @champagnejoker / @umidktbh

#stranger things #stranger things fanfiction #stranger things imagine #stranger things x reader #eddie munson #steve harrington #nancy wheeler #robin buckley #max mayfield #vecna #dustin henderson #lucas sinclair #eleven stranger things #erica sinclair #st4 #stranger things 4 #eddie munson x reader #steve harrington x reader #vecna’s curse #stranger things reader insert #fanfic

[sillygoose067]

Over the 7 Seas

Ch.12

Charles Leclerc x Reader

Author’s Note: FYI, if you haven’t been following along closely since chapter 2, I had the OC be Indian/a brown girl— Just because I felt like we don’t get enough representation. So if you don’t like that, I guess just either live with it, or blur that piece of information out as you go. Also: did I use some random ass generator wheel for some of the super specific information? Yes. Will I change it? Probably not. Did I check if that kinda stuff was even possible? …Mayhaps.

When you finally make it into the restaurant and sit down to order, you immediately spot multiple people, mostly young women, pulling out their phones, trying to (not so) discreetly take photos and videos of the two of you. You could just imagine the headlines and hashtags trending the next day.

Charles is immune to this by now and smiles and waves at some of the phones, and ignores the majority of the others. 

Biting your lip, you scan through the menu. “Charles?”

“Hmm?”

“Would you mind recommending me something? I’ve never been here before”.

“Sure Chéri. Is there anything you don’t or can’t consume? I hate to assume, but I know that lots of Indians are vegetarian”.

“Ah, no. My family and I eat everything, so no worries”.

He orders a Tourte de Blettes for you and a Pissaladiere for himself.

“So. Tell me more about yourself.”

Not knowing how to go about this, you think for a while. “Well, I’m Indian, but I was born in Singapore, and brought up in America”. You count off a finger. “I was certified to be a music producer at a very young age, sometime in secondary school and I have a degree in forensic science. I really love singing, but usually only in my free time. I've actually been working at a producing studio here”. You scrunch your brows trying to recall any interesting details about yourself. “Um, I’m also a dance choreographer for a lot of Korean idol groups and produce music for them too, so I go over there from time to time… I don’t know. What exactly do you want to know?”

When you meet Charles’s eyes again, he’s looking at you with an adoring expression on his face. “You’re so cute, like a little angel. Mon ange” (My angel).

You blush in embarrassment. He asks you more about why you chose your major and what it’s like working with idols while you wait for your meals. “I’d love to hear you sing sometime”.

Just then, the waiter comes with your dishes. Whew, saved by the food! The aromas wafting off the delicious looking dishes are absolutely mouth watering, as if the sights weren’t enough. You begin to split your food in half, and he asks what you’re doing. “Oh- well, my family and I always split our meals equally to try everything, Sorry, I did that out of habit– I can take the piece back–”

“I think I quite like that idea. Here”, He splits his meal and gives it to you as well. 

…

After dinner, the two of you decide to split the bill, because you were unwilling to let Charles pay in full, regardless of whether or not he earned more than you. 

As you walk back home, hand-in-hand and discussing common interests, you find yourself leaning your head on his arm, and later, with his arm around your shoulder. 

When you reach the door to your apartment, he turns to you and moves a strand of hair out of your face. “I liked getting to know you tonight, and I hope you will give me the chance to take you out again”. You make a sound of agreement. Knowing that you aren’t quite ready to have your first kiss yet, you pull him down slightly and get on your tiptoes, kissing his cheek. He smiles and kisses the crown of your head in return, and then ushers you into your home. 

When he leaves, you send him a text. Thank you for the best first date ever.

#f1 #formula 1 #smut #fluff #f1 x reader #charles leclerc #charles leclerc x reader #brown girls #brown goddess

[pardi-real]

Judgment by Fallen Angel / Chapter 11 - Reason to Protect

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Berrien: " 'A long, long time ago…'

'In a church, lived two children.' 'A cowardly boy… and a courageous boy.' 'The brave boy was always there to protect the weak boy...' "

[Meadow in front of the Church]

Belen: "Ouch, ouch... Jeez~ that's shocking.  Who would expect there was a beehive there. You must've been startled, Berrien."

Berrien: "Uuh... I'm truly sorry…"

Belen: "Huh, wait… are you still feeling bad?"

Berrien: "...Because... Belen got hurt because of me…"

Belen: "No, no. It's not your fault. When I pulled your hand and tried to run away.... I just panicked and fell down on my own. I also didn't get stung by any bees. It's nothing to worry about that much."

Berrien: "B-but …your leg looks really hurt, doesn't it?  W-what should I do… What if it's broken because of me?"

Belen: "It's not broken. If it was, I wouldn't be smiling like this. I just sprained it a little. It'll heal in like, a week."

Berrien: ".... One whole week…. because of my fault…"

Belen: "Three days! I'll be fine in three days! Whew, oh, dear... You are really kind, Berrien. You look sad when people around you get hurt, more than when you yourself get hurt…"

Berrien: "No... Belen is much kinder than I am. Not only from the bees earlier, but you're always protecting me… Why are you always protecting me, Belen?"

Belen: "Why? That is… because we are family.  Well, we're not related by blood, but we've been living together for a long time.  Aren't we just like a family?"

Berrien: "Y-yep... But… Even among our 'family'...  Other children aren't as kind as Belen..."

Belen: "Hahaha. Well, we're all still children~ If someone bullies you, tell me right away, okay?  I'll be on your side."

Berrien: "Okay… Thank you. You have it good, Belen...  You are a lot stronger than me…"

Belen: "Hmmm... It's true that some people are born with a stronger body, but that's why... I want to use this power for the good of others…"

Berrien: "Power... For others...?"

Belen: "Yeah.  I think it's the right thing to do.

A person who is born with some kind of power… should use it for someone else, not for their own gain. If the mentality that 'the powerful can do whatever they want to the weak' became the norm... Humans wouldn't be able to complain even if they were destroyed by angels.

But that's not the case with us. We humans are the ones who compensate for each other's shortcomings and help each other out.  Fufu. Berrien, you also have some good points that I don't have, don't you think?"

Berrien: "I-I don't know… I don't think I do…"

Belen: "You do have. Berrien is not only kind, but also smart."

Berrien: "What… Not as much as Belen, though…"

Belen: "Hm, really? I'm smart?"

Berrien: "Uh-huh... You're kind, strong, and smart…"

Belen: "Really? It doesn't feel so bad getting praised that much by Berrien! ……. Hey Berrien. I told you I'd always be there for you, but... If someday when you grow up, you become stronger than me… Fufu. You'll protect me then, won't you Berrien?"

Berrien: "Me... Stronger than Belen...? S-such thing…  No, no. No way that's happening…"

Belen: "Is that so? No one knows what will happen, no? Well, let me get this straight… I want Berrien to be strong.  I mean, I know you should 'protect yourself' too, but… I think if it's someone as kind as you, Berrien, you can use your strength to help others."

Berrien: "Belen… Yeah… okay. I promise... Someday when I grow up... Even if I gain more power than I have now... I will use that power not only for myself... I will use it for others."

Belen: "Ha ha! That's what I'm talking about! Just what I'd expect from Berrien."

……….

Berrien: "The boy who was weak… has learned then. Some people are born with more privileges than others, and that is reality.

But those who have the power… has the responsibility to use it for the good of others. The same is true for the nobles, the wealthy…  and 'fallen angels'. I believe that it is a noble idea, to use our power for the good of all living things…

How is your opinion on this… everyone?"

Miyaji: "......... I agree with you, Berrien. I don't want to rule over the human race. They and I are on the same page when it comes to the 'survival of the human race'."

Fennesz: "Yes... I agree. I have been given this power... I want to use it not only for myself… but also, for those who are more important to me."

Lato: "Yes. It seems that we have come to a conclusion. We will continue to protect humanity…"

Fennesz: "Even though they hate us...."

Berrien: "Fufu… I am sure there will come a time when they understand the sacrifices we have made… And that we will continue to fight for humanity in the future… I believe that one day, it will all be appreciated. So then… to all of humanity. We look forward to your continued support."

The butlers on stage bowed to the audience. The lights went out and the stage was enveloped in darkness. And then… when the lights came back on… only black feathers remained on the stage.

The butlers were nowhere to be seen.

After that,  the curtains began to come down on the stage, signaling the end of the show.

Thunderous applause erupted from everywhere in the audience.

note: "Berren" is only 1 letter away from Berrien and that makes me confused. So, I'll inhale my hopium, hoping that it's not his official English romanization and use "Belen" even though it's a girl name. *Glances at Jessica* it's possible. This is just a tentative name, anyway. And if I use "Beren" it'll be another Tolkien reference, everything is Tolkien or Jojo already.

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#akuneko #aknk #devil butler with black cat

[mama-qwerty]

I seem to remember you mentioning in a post somewhere that you were planning on having Callie adopt Shadow as well. Is that still happening or am I completely making it up and you never said that?

Good memory!

So yeeeaaaah, here's the thing about that.

When I first created Callie, her backstory was a lot different. I changed it about a week before I wrote the most current chapter of Fall of the Status Quo.

Originally, Callie was Maria.

I've got something on here explaining my headcanon for their story, and bits of writing of Maria meeting Shadow and interacting with him and everything, and I have a story in mind that goes through everything she and Shadow went through on the Ark. Whether I actually get it written is in the air.

She eventually gets fed up with how they're treating the boy and tries to get him out of there. Things go to shit, she's shot, and Shadow's hauled away. A few soldiers loyal to Gerald get her out of there, patched up, and she changes her name to avoid being found by General Towers, the dude in charge of the Ark. She's told the whole site was scrubbed, meaning everything involved in it was destroyed--Shadow included.

She lost her boy, and was so hurt by everything she never wanted to get close to anyone else.

Why'd I change it?

Because it would have weakened Shadow's motivation. Finding out that the one person he loved most and thought was dead is alive--whew, good thing he didn't have to go through any personal struggles or layers of grief!--would have taken everything that is Shadow and tossed it aside.

And I finally realized that Callie being Maria was actually kinda dumb.

So I nixed it. I think Cal's backstory works better for her, and it makes her a person in her own right and not just someone that people should care about because she was Actually Someone Important all along!

Will I bring Shadow in? That's up in the air. I need to know how to handle him, and right now I don't. Maybe when the 3rd movie comes out I'll have ideas for him, but right now, I don't have his personality fleshed out well enough to warrant bringing him in. And I have a hard enough time with my current multi-chapter fics, I'd need to have a whole new one to bring in Shads, which I don't have the energy for right now.

If he does show up, I figure he and Cal can bond over losing someone they should have protected, and failed to do so. The one person they each loved and would have given their lives for is gone, all while protecting them.

#ask me #callie macpherson #shadow the hedgehog #maria robotnik

[thelovelyghostwriter]

Answers are below:

AO3 Handle

This is easy. Numbkid.

It has been a pen-name since I was a kid. I was an emo kid who liked Linkin Park's Numb.

2. Ships I write

Currently, mostly Kuraneon. Occassionally there are other HxH pairings like Hisomachi, Tserriednich/Theta, Chrollo/Neon and Ponzu/Pokkle.

3. Ships I read

Pretty much anything I get curious about.

4. When i started writing

11 years old. That was more than a decade ago, even before AO3 was founded.

5. First fic I wrote

I did write something when I was 11 on FF.net. I did delete it because of the poor language use and the fact that it was cringe.

I did remember the title, it was "Can I heal your broken heart" which was a CoAi fanfic.

6. Favourite fic I wrote

There are a lot that I have written over the years. Just to name a few:

I like writing angst, so this is probably the most painful one. Also the longest one-chapter fic I have ever written (13K words).

I think this is my favourite Hisomachi fic. I really enjoyed writing them in a whimsical fantasy setting. It was also pure comedy and fluff.

My very first Tserriednich/Theta central fic, with Hisomachi and Kuraneon pairings as well. I had fun writing Tserriednich in a very psychological thriller type of way.

I loved writing Kuraneon hate-sex. There was something raw and hot about this.

7. Hardest fic I wrote

There were a few fics that were written with much difficulty, for various reasons.

The longest, completed fic I have ever written. It was difficult because half-way because I lost interest in Detective Conan as a series. I have always liked the CoAi pairing, but grew frustrated with how the series was going. Add on to my depression in the 2014-2016 era (this was written from 2015-2018) + adolescent teen angst + readers pressuring me to continue, and you get a recipe for disaster. Incredibly difficult for me to write given the circumstances. I also didn't think it was good and there were people complaining on Wattpad so I thought the efforts were in vain. I was so frustrated that I vowed never to write for this series ever again. Don't know if I'm gonna hold up to that promise but it has been 6 years, so I'm not sure if I'll love this series enough to write for it again. Maybe a one-shot, who knows.

8. Most research-intensive fic I wrote

This one is very obvious. The amount of stuff I had to learn to write how the mafia works in HxH and also how Nen works. Also the HxH world building. Whew. Very heavy stuff. It is paying off though.

9. Fic that is most dear to me

I am going with the first fanfic I have ever discovered.

This fic was first written in 2005, I discovered it just a tad a few years later. I was mindblown by the fact that people could just write about established characters and make up scenarios, lmao. It fulfilled my shipper desires that Conan and Ai would get together! Somehow after like a while, it inspired me to write my own fics. So this was the start of everything.

10. Favourite trope to write

I don't know, I don't really have a trope. There are common things I liked exploring:

Mafia theme

Greed and money

Desires and Death

Sexual temptation

Psychological thriller

Occassionally I do write the happier fics and I think I can pull it off, but that's not where my interests lie.

11. Something I wouldn't write

Hmm... I don't have boundaries, I think? I love exploring different genres, themes and even the most messed up situations. I like dark fics, I do want to write thrillers.

Probably just fics about real people. Like those celebrity fics, like those "my mom sold me to One Direction" or something. It's just weird writing about real people for me.

I also don't really do requests anymore. I would hate to write a ship that I wasn't 100% on board with.

12. Favourite scene I ever wrote

Hmm, this is quite tough. Probably the part where Theta reads a letter from Tserriednich in "Like Turkeys Voting for Christmas".

Dear Theta,  The newspapers told me about your tremendous error that led to the chaos during Sara’s winter concert - how an exhilarating event had burst into madness. Pity poor Sara though. Once was a bright star among the upper echelons, had fallen so gracefully in a blink of an eye. I fantasise that you wonder before going to bed if that error was an unfortunate anomaly, or had been stuck to you like an inherent gene. Like Sara, millions of individuals undergo their life like an inverted curve - the struggle to go up and then come rolling down the hills. Do you find it humiliating that you, once a trustworthy royal head bodyguard, had been demoted to a security for a talentless celebrity rumoured to had fucked her way up to the top in Hollywood? And more so that even in this meagre position, you had failed? Do you believe that failing your career in protecting your client, would be equivalent to having failed to save the inner child wailing deep within yourself?   I would reassure you, my dear Theta, that you are competent. A fine specimen of the female human species. Which is why I had no doubt of choosing you to watch my back. It is unfortunate however, that you chose to stab it. Why would you do that, my dear Theta? We were having so much fun - our intimate bantering had been forever etched to my memories.  I had often backtracked at which pinnacle moment my behaviour became intolerant for you: you had always turned the other cheek whenever a new collection of mine was delivered; and the personal matters of my fucked up royal family had been more or less familiar with you. The screams of women getting out of their shells never fazed you either. Somehow, you believe that me unlocking the powers of Nen would be a Pandora’s box; and that was where you drew the line. But really, who are you to deny me my potential? That is the riddle that has perplexed me. The temptation to open your mind and pick on the neurons for an answer is too high, but I digress.  Needless to say, an utter disappointment when you decided to take the role of Delilah, attempting to defeat the lion that she feared would devour the world.  Has it ever occurred to you that your role in the narrative would not be against me, but besides me? Did you fear that I would have disposed of you after learning Nen from you, dispose of you like the poor trash that you think you are? If that is so, you have greatly underestimated my generosity.  With my sibling, the self-proclaimed winner, had met the untimely death, the Kakin throne had been left vacant. I think it's time for me not only to rule, but my bloodline for eternity. Join me, Theta, this is my offer to you.  Since this time of the year is to celebrate generosity, companionship and forgiveness, I propose both of us do the same. Allow me to show my generosity by giving you something that few had done: justice. The King might be the most important piece, but the Queen is his most prized protector. Once somebody has offended you, they have done the same to me.  You spent Christmas by yourself last year. I will be sure that this year will be different. Until then, please enjoy the gift I have sent you. Some animals really need to keep their hands to themselves.   - Prince Tserriednich Hui Guo Rou 

Then she finds a severed hand inside the gift box sent to her. The hand belonged to a man that tried to molest her earlier in the fic.

13. Where I get inspiration from

Pretty much anything, depending on the topic. Sometimes I just go like "hey I got an idea!"

14. Hardest scene I ever wrote

So far the argument between Kurapika and Neon in the latest chapter Glam Gas Land in Strange Bedfellows. I wanted to write an argument where both of them had a valid point.

15. Favourite characterisation I wrote

Always Kurapika. He is SO fun to explore. I love writing him a good ol' angst scene. I think the angstiest I have him in is "The Rabbit Died".

16. Sequel I would write, if I had the time

There are two.

One was the "Neon Nostrade is a Pop Star/Idol AU". I wrote "In Star-struck Awe". The sequel was supposed to be this:

I only wrote the first chapter. But this sequel was supposed to be the story where the media finds out that Kurapika and Neon are dating. I plan to make changes to both fics and set it to the 2000s. I want to make references to the 2000s music industry scene, mixing up Neon's Pop Idol character with Britney Spears, Paris Hilton etc. The 2000s were also very brutal to famous female celebrities, so it will be a fun fic project.

Another sequel I planned to write was from "Black Veil". I have not posted the fic sequel yet, but I plan to expand from this. Since in Black Veil, Kurapika finds an alternate universe where he got married to Neon and had kids, with the Kurta clan still alive. Since he got back to his own world, he explains that Neon is actually in the ICU where nothing can wake her up. There is a plant in the Dark Continent to cure all diseases. So I want to write a sequel on that.

17. Story I wanna write, but don't think people will enjoy reading

I think just really dark fics. For Kuraneon, I kind of wanna write another dark fic with the tag "infanticide". Go figure.

I also am tempted to write a Gin/Sherry fic. I don't know, I think this ship is dark and interesting.

18. A line from a WIP

"Kurapika had enquired to one of the townsfolk for The Owl's location"

19. A recent comment that made you smile

Pretty much any comments from @anotherworldash ! She has very long comments that made me smile so much!

20. A discontinued work that I would have loved to finish

There are two.

Of Marigolds and Dragonflies.

This fic was a Hiei/Botan fic that I have abandoned. I made the mistake of having to post more chapters, when it could be a standalone one-shot fic. It begins after 1 year of death anniversary of Hiei and Botan's unborn child, and they have broken up over it.

I actually had a good vision for this fic, but I kinda moved onto another fandom. Perhaps I can just post the first chapter of the fic, I think this is a good standalone.

The Outsiders.

The other fic is this one. It's a crossover fic between Detective Conan and Tokyo Ghoul.

I had this idea of Conan being a detective and going around to solve ghoul-related cases. But alas, I kind of got tired of Detective Conan; so I dropped it. Once in a while I see CoAi content for my own amusement, but I'm sort of done writing for it. Don't know if I'll pick up this idea again.

21. Fic writers I admire

I think I admired a few of them back when FFnet was still the norm, but they stopped working on fanfics.

22. A story I recommend

After Hours by Cb_w.

A story by @anotherworldash

A Vampire AU where Neon is a vampire and Kurapika is a vampire hunter.

The Sleeping Beauty in the Bathtub by Cb_w.

Definitely one of my fave darker Kuraneon stories.

#kuraneon #kuraneo #most fics are kuraneon but some are hiei/botan and coai

[fanficapologist]

Whew boy, the tension between Alys and Maera was so thick you could cut it with a knife. I think this is also a lesson to take Helaena more seriously *nods solemnly* we’re taking notes of these prophecies. I combed through the previous chapters to find that particular quote hahahaha.

First, let’s unpack the confrontation scene. Not sure if this is just me but I kind of feel like Maera was humiliated? I can’t name the exact emotion but yeah, because Alys got pregnant first, and a boy no less. Props to Maera too because in the spirit of not pitting women against women, she really held it together. I can see how she wouldn’t want to immediately lash out at Alys just because she’d lain with Aemond, I mean it does take two to tango, but good lord, is Alys testing her. I don’t expect her and Alys to become fast friends because there will always be tension given her feelings for Aemond and Alys also seems to somehow hint she has him under her spell but I don’t know what she’s playing at because from the onset it seemed every breath is a taunt.

Alys also seemed condescending or patronizing because here Maera is, confronting her and she’s somehow made to feel like she’s the mistress.

“You look upset; you needn’t be” it’s like Maera is the mistress finding out the wife is pregnant. Translation: oh, don’t worry, you’ll get to play happy family too.

I think it must also be jarring given their physical resemblance. In a way it seemed Aemond only liked her because she reminds him of Alys, which again, if I were her, I’d be questioning my entire relationship as well. Again, props to Maera for regaining control of the situation because really, what would happen should Alys give birth? I think even if Aemond didn’t have romantic feelings for Alys, no doubt he’d feel something for his child. And in other versions or tales about Alys, she asserts her child’s right to the throne, and in this universe, this puts Maera in danger or at the very least calls her status into question.

Next, THAT convo with Aemond. Yeah, I do believe he didn’t know but surely he can’t be so stupid and not think it through?? I mean what did he think Alys was going to do with his seed? He already knows it needs to be through lying with her. Or maybe he was so desperate for him and Maera to happen he’d say yes even if it meant selling his soul but did he think he’d get off scot-free? Serves him right, Maera leaving him sexually frustrated. I also think in a way it’s a form of reassurance for her, to remind herself that even though he has a bastard, he’d lain with Alys, at the end of the day, she’s the one he loves and wants.

Ooh this was difficult to read but at the same time, I can’t quite stop hahaha. And while I feel sorry for Alys because a lot of people can be quite posessive-protective of Aemond, myself included, thus damning anyone who’ll portray her, I do feel, in your story, she merits only a few chapters hahahaha. I can’t quite stand her, there I said it. That said, I am sooo ready as to how things will unfold. 💕

I’m curious to think why Alys is so fucking certain she’s having a boy 🙄 it would certainly strengthen her position, and she knows that, but she’s just a bit too confident for my liking

I think I can only do like three or four more chapters of Alys because as much as I want her to be in the story I fucking hate her 🤣 (totally not because I’m a possessive protective Aemond girly)

For real, the sex was for Maera, not for him. She came and went (literally) 🖤

[sunscreenstudies]

Iconic Things My Coding Professors Have Said (Part 9)

"i did my phd on him. so i spent six years with this one guy, which, normally, would be a sign of a healthy relationship, but not in this case"

prof 1 "don't worry about the oral exam, it's great fun!”   prof 2 “yeah... for us”

"linguistics should bear in mind that non-linguistics, or, as i like to call them, normal people, don't understand this"

student "you mentioned in the previous slide a lot of extra readings"   prof "yes"   student "would you suggest that we read-"   prof "no"

"it could be an issue with your data. As we like to say in the machine learning world - garbage in, garbage out, wha'd'ya expect?"

"so if there are no other questions, then you have the homework, you know your test date, and i wish you a lot of... strength. For both of them"

"Today we're going to be talking about-"   *dramatic pause*   "-the SPACE PROBLEM!"   *everyone cheers*   "Now, now, settle down, before you get too excited, I don't mean the space, moon, buzz aldrin, astronaut, nasa, super cool and exciting space problem... I mean the computer space problem. Like indexing"

"the next example is a lot more substanial, so if you look at this and you think, whew, this is a lot of work, then... uh, yeah, you'd be right"

prof 1 "think of what we can do with technology now, especially in this area. Where are the ethics? We have these... how should I say... uh... gosh, i don't know how to phrase this... there's really no polite way of putting it... um... lets say... ‘companion’ robots?"   prof 2 "you mean sex bots"   prof 1 "well OBVIOUSLY i meant sex bots, david, but i didn't want to say that!"

"unfortunately it's necessary for you to go through this. you need to study and learn and do the assignments and do the exams and, yes, you must suffer... but enough with the damnation sermon, let's move onto the next chapter of hell"

"you need to find similarity in all the different tasks and then try to wisely use copy and paste. look at me, look. at. me. i said wisely"

student "i used 11 output features instead of 10"   prof "okay. and?"   student "i just want to know if that was wrong to do"   prof "did it work?"   student "yeah"   prof "then yeah. what do you want me to do? if it works, don't question it"

"if you don't save everything to your google drive then you might lose it, so for example, if you spend an entire day working on this machine learning assignment and you forget to save it, then you might just be ever so slightly disappointed"

"we decided to switch from r to pytorch because we decided that the lives of students were too easy so we wanted to make everything even more difficult" *awkward silence* "that was joke" *nervous laughter* "not really though"

"we'll be examining this horrible horrible subject through a very appropriately named program known fondly as brainfuck"

"i'm already looking forward to the christmas party where my uncle will ask me ‘so you make software for libraries huh? but libraries don't need software’ and i can say ‘well aunt sarah doesn't need you either, daniel, and yet you're still around’ and then i can explain what i do to him"

Part 1 | Part 2 | Part 3 | Part 4 | Part 5 | Part 6 | Part 7 | Part 8 

Part 9 | Part 10 | Part 11 | Part 12 | Part 13 | Part 14

#studyblr #compblr #compsciblr #computer science #computer science studyblr

[wormtime123]

AAAAAAAAAAAA DRAMATURGY EPILOGUEEE

I love the lengthy wrap up of so many loose ends, the slow mend of things torn and that utter contentment to be found with people just existing right there. This is going to be my go-to comfort fic for found family to re-read over and over and over and over

Now I wanna pick your brain on all the bits; worldwalker shapeshifting Gem? Its so coool I love it. When did you decide to give her and others (Scar, Cub?) powers? What did Cub actually do at the end of Grumbot there? What was your favorite part of the epilogue to write? And which part was the most emotional for you? (tough question, I know I can't choose between Pearl & Gem's or Pearl & Grian's conversations)

WHEW dear god thank you for presenting me a pass to go insane on a silver platter. i’ll be putting my answers under a read more so i don’t explode people’s feeds with nonsense

most of the magic decisions made are based ~mostly in what i know about canon, i just ended up filling in some blanks and playing around with what’s already there! i’m endlessly fascinated by gem’s dimension-hopping (empires isn’t addressed in dramaturgy, but i operate on everything she said about her powers in e2) and i think the idea that she can open portals at will and freely travel between worlds/universes in a way that other players can’t is amazing. then the shapeshifting just made sense to me in how she changes her appearance around to fit into whatever character she wants to take on in each world.

cub and scar lore i’m a lot less familiar with since i only know of certain clips about their vex deal, but i kind of treat it similarly to gem in that i assume they can shift their forms around (ie. how often scar changes to fit a character like gem does, cub going from old man to s8 e-boy skin) and have a peculiar knowledge around portals (ie. the big dig, scar using his “wizard portals” to travel between seasons.) however i think gem has a different kind of expertise working with portals with how often she dimension-hops, so those two were kind of just doing unethical science at the rift to see what stuck lol.

the rift on its own is its whole thing in my Fanon Brain, but i have a strong image of it as a living, breathing entity that sucks things in and spits them back out in other spaces indiscriminately. dramaturgy scar describes it as hungry and i think that’s about as apt as it gets. stuck perpetually wanting to consume yet unable to hold anything in. then one of my biggest plot problems to solve was making the story line up with grian’s lore, aka grumbot (prime) getting tossed in the canon timeline ominously hinting at the other grian’s crimes, so i asked myself how dramaturgy hermits could have weaponized the rift and that’s where i landed! i admittedly don’t have a specific answer to how cub would have aggravated the rift enough to make it go hogwild in chapter 10, but i personally just imagined him figuring it out at one point or another by throwing shit in until something worked

dear god this is already getting long but epilogue!!! my answer for favorite scene to write is a little anticlimactic but i love writing all the evo flashbacks. if you couldn’t tell i am completely evo enamored. i love the strange, off-putting, nostalgic innocence of “something unpreventable and life-altering is about to happen and they Don’t Know.” i love them working together to get to the stronghold and entering the end portal thinking it’s going to be another task of teamwork as always and then just *silence* on the other end. amazing incredible tragic love it

(also on that note i loved writing the scene atop the mansion. just one last hermit acting entirely too normal while subjecting pearl to cursed knowledge before we go)

and lastly for most emotional to write i’d definitely say the scene at the hobbit hole! i’ve had that one as well as the sleepover at impulse’s in the back of my mind for so long i’m just glad i got it out. getting there was like the end of an era for me. everything with grian and pearl finally being back together but still not quite on the same page. i think pearl seeing grian so taken aback in the face of the tangible proof of his actions and mumbo’s feelings was the straw that broke the camel’s back, because at this point in the story pearl’s finally willing to see herself in mumbo’s situation. she’s finally realizing how badly she needs this specific closure but grian’s too busy going ???my actions… have consequences? i can’t just run off into the night with no negative impact on the people around me?

(which is of course also a matter of a warped sense of self-image and understanding emotions, but grian will go on murder sprees in the 3rd life time loop box before exercising an ounce of self-reflection, more at 11.) and only after seeing pearl shaking like a sad wet chihuahua clutching this random notebook of his like it’s the sacred texts does he really start to grasp how genuinely bad it’s been for her. like that would have been obvious to anyone who’s normal but whatever. i love studying skyblings like bugs

ANYWAYS. i hope you enjoyed this thought dump and thank you again for the ask i owe you my life

#dramaturgyAU #i hope this is interesting! or at least comprehensible. you know.

[dollfaceksj]

So many people rec. mutual help. I was thinking about reading it but theres so many chapters. I might give it a try since you mentioned it.

honestly in my eyes it’s the mother of all jk fics. like it’s just so damn good

i wasn’t really sold during the first few chapters but whew when i got i to it i binged that so hard

and if you’re worried about the amount of chapters, don’t be. i thought it was a lot too and now that im caught up i wish there were even more chapters

#clover over

[bratshaws]

through the hourglass 14. brb x oc

a/n: WHEW BOY YEAH THERE IS SMUT COMING I SWEAR IT IS

pairing: plus size!oc x rooster

warnings: fluff, Bea and Rooster make me cry in single every damn time.

goodness gracious (pls read this one to know more what this fic is about!!)

chapter

1/2/3/4/5/6/7/8/9/10/11/12/13

(pls let me know if you want to be added to the taglist!! )

taglist: @mirandastuckinthe80s @roosterschanelslut @wiipes @lcahwriter @shrimping-for-all @gretagerwigsmuse @frenchtoastix

@lizzie-rdj @fanboyluvr @atarmychick007 @comebacktoearthpls

@peachiicherries @mak-32 @lizziespidiepridie @roosterswifey @ollyoxenfrees @piceous21 @sqrlgrl22 @hofficoffi @lexhalstead3 @lorilane33 @legendarydreamersharkparty @luckyladycreator2

@emilybradshaw @j-6o @louisahale @leobabbyyy @kulicny @winter-run @ktjmac @graciereads @bigpoppajes @taytaylala12

@caitsymichelle13 @becks-things

-

Later that night at the bar it was once again so packed it was getting hard to see, the old patrons were lucky enough their seats were already taken or else they’d have to wait outside for some space. Beatrice walked back and forth across the bar, every now and again walking part Roosters table where they shared a quick hand touch, just the softest brush of knuckles since they couldn’t do more than that while at the bar.

 

Rooster kept his eyes on her as she walked around, making sure she’d be safe with so many new people in the bar, people he had never met before. And yes, some of them were new recruits but he still had no idea who they were in reality, the last thing he wanted was for Beatrice to be uncomfortable because of the new patrons.

 

He does, however, smile her way when she turns to look at him from across the bar, her hands busy with the tray. He just follows her with his eyes, enjoying how her cheeks turned red and she skittered away back to Penny, asking for a refill. Nat, who sat next to Rooster, just laughed quietly, “My my, what a simp.”

 

Rooster blinks, turning back to her, “I’m sorry?”

 

“I don’t know, are you?” she retorts, snorting at his confused look, “I’m just saying, Rooster, that you are just looking at Beatrice like a lost puppy.” and her eyebrow raises after that, “It’s cute, and very amusing. Everyone here just waits for you to lose track of the conversation because you are too busy staring at Beatrice.”

 

“She’s my wife.” and his heart shuddered every time he said that outloud, “I like staring at her.” he proceeds to turn his head back to where Beatrice was, seeing she was talking to Penny, “Plus there’s a lot of new people lately,I just want to make sure she’s safe.”

 

“She can handle herself,” Nat adds, “You did say she punched her ex.”

 

Bradley’s proud laugh couldn’t be stopped after Nat remembers that time. Her ex…what a fucking prick, Rooster was still extremely annoyed by that man, which he shouldn’t be because he didn’t think he’d bother them again, hopefully…if he did the deal with Shells was still up. “I know, but still.” it was in his nature to make sure Bea felt safe, he wanted to do it. Not because it was his ‘job’ as her partner to do so, but because he cared about her and she’s been hurt so much.

 

Phoenix leans on a hand, watching her tall friend smile back at the brunette with her own face swimming with amusement, “You two are painfully adorable.” she mutters, bringing the glass of water to her lips.

 

“So are you and Umberto.” Nat chokes on the cold drink, trying to hold back the dribble by slapping a hand over her mouth, coughing dryly with her eyes widening. The same shocked eyes turned to Rooster, who just arched both of his eyebrows up with a very pleased smirk, crossing his arms over the table, “What? You two are.”

 

“What’s happening?” Fanboy asks after returning from the pool game with Payback and Hangman in tow, “Who’s what?”

 

“Nat and Umberto, remember Bea’s cousin?” Nat looked ready to kill him. Painfully and slowly, “When we visited Palermo for our honeymoon we met with Umberto, his parents and his brother, and you know he was really happy after returning from Cali.” and he turns his eyes, much like the cat that just lapped the cream, to Nat. The female pilot just narrowed her own gaze at him, still coughing quietly, trying to regain her bearings. 

 

And now the attention was on Nat and not on Rooster, who looked back to where Beatrice was, seeing she was approaching another table, this time with one girl sitting alone. They met eyes again, Beatrice’s smile widened and she mouthed a ‘stop it’ before biting her lower lip. He just offered her an innocent shrug and a furrowed brow as if to say ‘who,me?’

 

Beatrice rolled her eyes with a gentle shake of her head, then turned her gaze to the woman, “Hello, how can I- oh.” that was the girl from last time! What was her name? Jane, Joy…Jessie! That was her name! “Oh, hello! Glad to see you here again.”

 

“Oh um…y-you remember me?”

 

“I usually do, it’s nice to remember your patrons when you work.” Beatrice giggles, “Can I get you anything?”

 

Jessie, was still wearing a long sleeved shirt, using some of her hair to cover part of her face curling into herself almost “Um…j-just a bottle of water? I’d like that if you can.”

 

“Sure thing! I’ll be right back.” Jessie opened her mouth as if to stop her, but Beatrice watched the girl just close it and lean back into the seat, looking around almost as if she was scared. And boy, did Beatrice know that feeling.

 

She approached the bar top, letting Penny know what she needed and looked back to where Jessie was. She was looking around, sometimes intently at a handsome officer who walked past her table only to avoid her gaze if they turned around, combing more of her dark hair over the side of her face. Beatrice felt the pang of recognition, the memory of being just like that almost fogged her mind, hiding the sounds from outside, voices getting farther and farther –

 

“Bea.” the brunette blinks in surprise, snapping her head to where a worried Penny looked over at her, a hand touching her shoulder, “Are you okay, hon?”

 

Beatrice licks her lips, then nods with a small smile, “I am, just looking around. I’s very…full tonight.” she says, trying to ease her boss’ worried gaze as she grabs the chilled water bottle. Penny agrees, asking Bea again if she was okay and the nodding returns, a bit quicker and Beatrice is rapidly stepping away from the bar top to the table where the girl was. She inhaled shakily, slapping on a smile as she neared Jessie’s table.

 

The girl still looked uncomfortable, plucking her cuticles and the end of her long sleeved top, only looking up when she notices Beatrice nearby. They share a small greeting, Jessie leaning back on her seat so Beatrice could place her water bottle down, “Well, let me know if you need anything else.” Jessie’s eyes snap back at Beatrice when the woman turns on her heel to leave.

 

“I-I…” Beatrice stops, looking over her shoulder, “I just…can I ask you something?”

 

“Well, sure, if I can answer it.”

 

Jessie hesitates, still playing with her fingers, “...are you– the mustached guy,” Beatrice inhaled again when Rooster was mentioned, “Is he–are you two really together?” Unlike the other times when she was asked that question, there wasn’t mockery or sarcasm within her words, but genuine curiosity and dare she say, wonder. 

 

“We are,” she holds up her left hand, wriggling the ring finger, showing the wedding band,”It’s been…two weeks now, since we tied the knot.” normally Beatrice wouldn’t share stuff like that with patrons, but she had a feeling this girl needed to hear about it considering how she looked at her so intensely. 

 

Jessie still had her eyes on Beatrice, assessing the other woman’s expression before moving her gaze away, “That’s…that’s really cool. Have you two um…been together long?”

 

“Oh, not really.” Bea looks over her shoulder when she hears someone else asking for a refill, “Sorry I’ll have to get this, I’ll be around if you need anything else!” and Jessie nods eagerly, holding the bottle with both hands, watching Beatrice walk away from her table. Her eyes stay on the brunette as she approaches the table her husband is sitting at and watches, amazedly, as one of his hands gently touches the side of her arm before dropping back down to the wooden top.

 

Rooster looks back to where Jessie was, meeting the girl’s eyes and she immediately looked away, chugging her water loudly out of panic. He arches one eyebrow in question, but his attention goes back to Bea who grabs the empty bottles with one hand, “Not too long for your break, right gorgeous?” he asks and Beatrice shakes her head negatively with a smile, backing away from the table and showing him her five fingers signaling she only had five minutes left, “I’ll meet you outside.” 

 

He winks and she melts on the spot, but she nods in agreement before walking away from him. Bradley watches with a little smile until he can no longer turn his neck to see her, focusing back on his beer and the constant teasing from the others to Nat. He does, however, move his gaze back to the girl that was looking over to them…was she the one that Beatrice said reminded her of herself?

 

She unfortunately stuck out by wearing a hoodie in such a place, her hair covering her face and her body almost touching the wall. She looked really uncomfortable and he was sure it wasn’t only because of how stuffy she probably was. Part of him felt bad, because the Hard Deck was a fun place and you shouldn’t feel so scared to the point of trying to hide yourself because of people, but he could somewhat understand why she was doing so.

 

He drops his eyes back to his watch, smirks seeing that the five minutes have passed and slides out of his seat, “Excuse me guys-”

 

“Go on, loverboy,” Payback chuckles, “We know.”

 

Bradley just huffs out a laugh, adjusting the Hawaiian shirt on his shoulders before he treads through the crowd to the outside of the bar. He finds Beatrice immediately, she’s waiting for him at the Bronco as always, her smile immediately widening when she sees him, “That smile is going to hook me in.” he says while nearing her form, “One of these days.”

 

She smiles even more, laughing quietly and immediately wrapping her arms around his neck once he’s close enough, her lips meeting his in a soft kiss, “That’s the plan,” was whispered against his mouth with another peck soon following. He chuckles into her mouth, the kiss deepening just enough to make Beatrice sigh quietly, the hold on his neck tightening and her body getting closer to his until their chests are touching. 

 

She giggles into his mouth, feeling his mustache tickle her lower lip when he breaks the kiss, trailing his mouth along her jawline, “Brad!” she tries to stop him, but there’s no one outside,so it’d be safe, “You are awful.” 

 

“I sure am.” 

 

One of her hands gently comb the back of his hair, just enough for him to feel the nails scraping on his scalp and a shudder dart all over him, “So,” she begins as he keeps his mouth on her neck, not biting or sucking, just kissing the soft skin of her throat, “Ev is going to throw a Halloween party this weekend.”

 

“I might’ve heard something about that.” he replies.

 

“Do you…want to go? I know we planned to go out but– and then my mom wants us to have lunch on Sunday so, well–”

 

He lifts his head from her neck, tucking a strand of hair behind her ear - the one that always slips out of her bun, “Well,I mean…I’ll have to find a costume, but I don’t see why not? We don’t have to stay too long, we can just get in, talk a bit and get out. Plus, if we need to, we can go out Sunday night.”

 

Beatrice furrows her brows, “Are you sure?”

 

“I know you are worried about me,” he smiles, pressing their foreheads together, “And you want me to have fun before I leave…but gorgeous, the important part is no matter where I go. As long as I'm with you I’ll be happy.” her cheeks turned red immediately, her smile turning bashful, “We can still have a lot of fun and honestly, I kinda wanted to do a couples costume with you ever since last year.”

 

“Well,I don’t know exactly what I’ll wear. Shells wants me to visit her tomorrow so she can show me…ideas I guess?”

 

“Hm.” he tucks the stubborn strand of hair behind her ear yet again, rubbing the side of her face with his thumb, “Well, do let me know and if it’s something easy I can come up with an outfit. If not, we just go to a store and get those couple costumes that cost 29.99.”

 

Beatrice smiles, but much less than before, “Those places don’t usually…have things my size, Roos.” she says almost ashamedly, chewing her lower lip and looking to the side “Those couple costumes are either…really small on me or really big on me.”

 

“Then we’ll both be there dressed up as Magnum PI.” he smirks, “You can be the feminine version and use one of my shirts.”

 

“You’d reuse your costume from before?”

 

“I don’t mind,” he shrugs, “As long as you have fun wearing it too.”

 

Beatrice’s heart shuddered inside her ribcage, how could he be so…understanding and sweet? The fact he just wants her to wear something that makes her comfortable and immediately suggested his own clothes made her feel warm all over, “Roos, you…” she laughs quietly, “You are too sweet.”

 

Bradley smirks, giving her a quick shrug, “I do try.” he says as if it was nothing  out of the ordinary, “It’ll be after your shift right?” Beatrice nods, “We can change at home really quickly and stop by Evelyn and then enjoy the night the best we could.”

 

Beatrice agrees with that, even giving him a single nod with a bright grin, then leaning closer to kiss his lips again, “Hm,” he breaks the kiss, arching both eyebrows, “Was the girl with the hoodie the same one you talked about before?”

 

“...talked about before…oh! Yes! Yes, that’s her. Why?”

 

“She was looking at us when you came to greet me.”

 

Beatrice blinks up at him, “She asked if we were really together.” she explains, “Not menacingly or mockingly, but I think she wanted to hear from me that we were married.” Rooster just ‘huh’ed quietly, looking to the side in thought, “I mean, she didn’t try anything.”

 

“No, baby,I know.” he reassures her, wrapping his arms around her waist tighter so she could rest her chin between his pectorals, looking up at him with her brows low, “I’m asking because she was staring and I just wanted to make sure she didn’t try anything funny.”

 

“Oh, no no! She didn’t.” Beatrice says, shaking her head, “She’s here all alone, no friends of hers this time…”

 

“She looks really uncomfortable.”

 

“She’d be uncomfortable with or without them, Roos.” she explains, “Maybe she just wanted to know more about us. Maybe…” and she doesn’t finish her sentence, looking to the side as the words complete within her brain. Her husband just stares, giving her a gentle nudge to her waist, making Beatrice look back up at him with her gaze unreadable.

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

She parts her lips, hesitates, but then gathers enough courage to voice her thoughts, “...I considered that if it was me looking in,I’d want to know more. Because if someone else could do it, then maybe so could I.” she says quietly, “...she looked at the guys at the bar, she wanted to know if it’d be possible for her to,maybe, get a guy like you too.” Rooster looked down at her with his brows furrowed just the tiniest bit and he felt so bad about the girl. No wonder she was staring, it was probably what she wanted to have but didn’t know how to.

 

“Ah. Well…damn.”

 

“I know.” Beatrice offers him a small smile, “Maybe all she needs is…a little push, I’ll try to talk to her while inside, you know? Who knows, maybe there’s someone else at the bar who gets interested. Like you did.”

 

Rooster’s smile widened, “Maybe so.” he pecked her forehead, “Maybe it’ll be a Rooster and Bea 2.0, huh? I just hope the guy doesn’t step in when it comes to piano playing. That’s my thing.” 

 

“I think we don’t have to worry about that, you are one of a kind Roos.” 

 

She complimented him several times with several names, but everytime she called him ‘one of a kind’ or ‘one in a million’ it made something inside him vibrate. He liked compliments, but he liked when Beatrice complimented him the most, because for some reason, it sounded so much more sincere than if someone did the same. He didn’t think people were dishonest when complimenting him, of course not, but Beatrice’s voice always had that intonation of wonder and admiration, something that he didn’t know if he deserved.

 

If he voiced that outloud she’d be so offended and tell him he did deserve that, one hundred percent! Both of them still had their own self doubt issues and they’d work on them together, “One of a kind, huh?” she grins at him, squeaking out a laugh when he kisses her jawline, the fuzz of his mustache tickling her neck as she tries to hold onto his neck, “Look who’s talking.”

 

“Well,” she begins once her laughter dies down, “I’m not lying when I say it either.” she giggles, cupping his face in her hands, kissing his lips repeatedly. They stay in the parking lot until it’s time for her to go back, which makes Rooster sigh because in his own words he ‘had to behave or else Penny was going to kick him out.’ but before they both got inside, he quickly smacked her ass cheek when they were steps away from the door.

 

Beatrice holds back her yelp so no one would look outside to check on them, then swats his arm repeatedly as her cheeks turn bright red but the smile never falters. It is a bit more embarrassed, but it never leaves her lips. “One more.” he coos before they step back into the Hard Deck, pulling her to the side so the shadows would hide the two from curious eyes, “Just until it’s time to go.”

 

“One more?” he nods, “One peck,right? You won’t try to make out with me before I go inside, right?”

 

He’d absolutely do that, “Of course not, pretty girl.” he smirks, “Don’t you know me?”

 

“Too well, Lieutenant.” cue to his posture stiffening, but Beatrice steps closer to him, “Too well.” she cups his face again, bringing their lips together and trying to hold back the soft moan when his mouth opened and his tongue met hers for a brief second, but it was enough to leave her flushed and breathing heavily, “You are so awful.” she whispers against his lips, kissing him one more time, “You are lucky you are cute.”

 

Bradley laughs, letting her enter the bar first and waiting a few minutes before he did it himself - after adjusting his jeans for a quick second - sending her a smirk from where she now was behind the bar top, her still flushed lips curling into a knowing smile and she turned away from him.

 

Beatrice looked over her shoulder to where Rooster sat back with the others from the Dagger squad, only looking away when he was already talking to the others, focusing on taking care of whoever came to the bar for drinks. Her eyes did wander to the girl,Jessie, who was still in the same spot, leaning closer to the wall, trying to be invisible.  Her eyebrows lower when she notices the girl is just playing with the empty water bottle, her shoulders slumped…and then they meet eyes.

 

Beatrice didn’t even notice when she gestured to the stool right in front of her, only seeing that the girl quickly hurried over and sat down with her eyes wide, “So, do you need anything else?” Bea asks, but the Northride student shakes her head negatively, “...So, where are your friends?” 

 

Jessie blinks, then shrugs, “Out. They didn’t invite me.” Beatrice inhaled sharply, more memories returning, “And I didn’t want to be alone in the dorm, so…I came here.”

 

“That’s okay. How are you enjoying the night out then?”

 

Jessie rubbed her hands together, “Um…I’m nervous to be honest,” she laughed awkwardly, “I…I don’t know why I came here, but I did. I like it here.” Beatrice offers her a smile as she refills someone else’s mug. “...have you worked here for long?”

 

“Oh, well, let’s see.” Beatrice closes one of her eyes while thinking, muttering the numbers under her breath, “I think I’ve been here for a whole year already. If I’m not mistaken.”

 

“Ah, okay…” Jessie murmured, “...do you like it?”

 

‘I love it.” Beatrice smiles, “It has a lot of perks, it’s a very sociable job and I was really shy when I started.” she stops for a second once the crowd settles so she could turn her attention to Jessie, “I had people who helped me overcome it. And myself of course.” 

 

Jessie still looked at her in surprise, but her small smile widened, “...I want to apologize for Stacy’s comment, the last time we got here. She…well, she was really rude. “

 

“Nah, it’s fine.” Beatrice smiles, “As long as she doesn’t repeat it.”

 

“...You are so confident.” the girl mutters and Beatrice looks at her with her brow up, “You…I wish I had your confidence.”

 

Wow. She’s really seeing herself in this girl…well, she did say she’d try her best to help her out if she showed up again, “Not all the time.” Beatrice says softly, “It’s not easy being confident, sometimes it’s really bothersome, because your brain can’t fathom you want to do better, you know?” the girl nods, of course she knew, “It’s a long walk, but I think I’m trekking through it just fine.”

 

“...I wish I could do that.”

 

“Well, you can.” Bea says, “Word of advice? You should start by checking who your friends really are, breaking free from toxic people really helps.” she didn’t know if she was overstepping, but Jessie stayed silent as she took in the information, eventually lowering the hood to her neck and exposing the dark brown long hair - that looked black from a distance - and she just looked at Beatrice with her fists clenched on the bar top.

 

She doesn’t say anything, but she does slide a few dollars on the bar top and mouths the words ‘thank you’ to Beatrice, pushing herself off the stool and walking out of the bar. Beatrice followed the girl with her eyes until she disappeared into the night, the sound of a car revving away from the parking lot signaling she was gone. Penny’s presence appeared by her side, the older woman looking in the same direction, “...she needed that.” she says softly, hugging Beatrice’s shoulder, “You did good,Bea.”

 

Beatrice turns to face Penny, giving her boss a small smile, “...I’d like to hope so. It’s what I would’ve liked to hear when I was her age.”

 

“I think we’ll see the results soon enough. Now,” Penny juts her thumb over her shoulder, “Your husband is waiting for you.”

 

Bea tilts her body back, seeing that Rooster was leaning on the counter, giving her a pleased little grin. She hands Penny the payment and walks over to where he was, “What do you need,Roos?”

 

“Yo-” he stops at Beatrice’s amused glare, her lips pursing as she tries to hold back her own grin, “A few more beers, gorgeous, if you could.”

 

“I can.” she says sweetly, turning on her heel to grab the beers from the fridge and she could feel his eyes on her ass,”Rooster.” she calls from where she was, looking back over her shoulder to catch him quickly lifting his brown irises to meet her green ones. She laughs breathily, setting the beers down with a soft ‘thunk’ “Did I mention you are awful?”

 

“Yes,” he replies, grabbing the beers between his fingers, “You also said I was really cute.” he whispers, throwing her another wink, slowly backing away from the counter. Beatrice huffed out a laugh,crossing her arms and following him with her eyes until he got back to the table. Beatrice’s cheeks reddened, but she just smiled more, shaking her head with amusement before going back to work.

#bradley rooster bradshaw #rooster bradshaw #bradley bradshaw x oc #top gun maverick #bradley bradshaw x reader #bradley bradshaw x female reader #bradley bradshaw x named reader

[nitewrighter]

Scoops! (Part 7-- Epilogue)

Whew! Finally done! I have a lot of notes on this story at the end on my AO3, but I think for tumblr, the less clutter the better. It was honestly such a rush writing this, and everyone who's been reading from the start, thanks for sticking with me this past... *checks timestamps* Month. Jesus. I must have been possessed or something. For those of you who are just seeing this story now, congrats! You can start back at the beginning and not get screwed over by my cliffhangers!

Previous Chapters: 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6

Read it on AO3 here!

----

It had been about three hours. Clark was still in his full Superman uniform, but oddly he wasn’t doing his usual ‘majestic hover looking over the city.’ Instead, he was sitting on the edge of Lois’s apartment building, elbows resting on his knees, like a big kid. Lois huffed and pushed her scarf up under her chin as she elbowed her way out of the stairwell, stuffing her hands under her armpits for warmth in the quickly fading daylight. A small radio was playing next to him.

“…Officer Maxwell Jensen, one of the newest recruits to the Metropolis Police Department’s Special Crimes Unit, was killed today while attempting to stop unidentified terrorists from stealing the remains of Anthony Ivo’s Parasite suit husk from downtown. While there are conflicting accounts, the terrorists seemed to be in possession of technology similar to that used in Metropolis’s recent string of crimes. Federal sources have assured WGBS that the Parasite suit was destroyed in the ensuing conflict, and that they will be continuing to monitor the situation. In light of these events, Police Commissioner Bill Henderson is in talks to expand the SCU’s budget—”

Lois turned off the radio next to him, forcing him to blink and snap out of his haze.

“How’d it go?” she folded her arms.

“It… wasn’t as bad as I thought it would be. But like, three different people told me I needed to go lay down.”

“You do,” said Lois, plainly.

Clark scratched at his temple with a fingernail, “I look that rough, huh?”

“You do,” said Lois, more intensely.

“I know, I just… I kind of needed it,” Clark spoke absently, before looking at his hands, “I—I needed to be sure they were back. I needed to do something that wasn’t… punching a robot or getting thrown through a wall.”

“I know,” said Lois, softly.

“And I was going to come inside, but I needed to think,” said Clark, “Just for a minute.”

“I know,” Lois said again, now beginning to feel a bit ridiculous at how much she was repeating herself, but Clark tended to keep things wrapped up tight inside of himself, when he talked like this, she found it was easier to gently lead him along and let him unspool it on his own. It took her a while to figure that out, and it was partially something she had to learn by watching Jimmy. It also took Clark a while to learn, too, that for all his invulnerability, he wasn’t nearly as good at hiding when something affected him as he thought he was—at least when it came to the people that loved him.

Both were quiet, but Lois shuddered as another cold wind blew through.

“Cold?” said Clark.

 “I’m fine,” she said to him, trying to push a bit of lightheartedness into her voice, “I keep thinking you need a winter version of that suit. Aren’t you cold? Or is the invulnerability to cold, too?”

“I get colder when I’m tired,” Clark wasn’t looking at her, “At night, too. I’m colder at night.” He seemed to perk up slightly, and a beat of silence hung between them. He glanced over at her. 

“What?” she tilted her head.

“Oh—-just… as soon as I said that, I thought you were going to hit me with something like ‘At night, huh?’ And you’d do your little eyebrow thing. And I’d turn into a stammering idiot, as usual, and—now that I’m saying it I realize that’s a really dumb expectation to have, but I mean you are funny, you’d just have something smarter to say than that but—” he caught himself and trailed off, “Sorry. It’s been a weird day.”

“Weird day,” Lois repeated. So much for gentle, patient, unspooling. She took a long steady inhale through her nostrils. “Okay, no, you know what? You’re not doing this.” “Not doing what?” said Clark.

“You’re not going to just… shrug off something that was clearly traumatic.”

“I’m not shrugging off anything—”

“Clark, you had a shock collar put on you.”

“I know.”

“By me.”

“But she wasn’t you—” Clark started and then seemed to catch himself. “Oh—” ‘I know what this is about’ rippled across his features and his face dropped,  “Oh god, Lois, I’m so sorry.”

“No-no-no-no, you aren’t making this about me,” Lois’s voice was going thick.

“But I know what you’re going through right now—” Clark started.

“What I’m going through is seeing you hurt!” 

“But it’s not just that, is it?” 

Lois stared at him, mouth hanging open but jaw tensed, furious at those big soft sky-blue eyes of his. No, you don’t get to do this. No, I’m not the one to be saved, here. But god, it still came pouring out of her.

“I just—I just hate it!” Her breath was short, “I love you and I can’t stand seeing me hurt you! I can’t stand hearing them talk about you like—like you’re a weapon or an animal with my voice! I would never—Okay I know I was trying to teach you some sparring moves before this but I would never—!”

“It’s okay, I know, I trust you,” Clark put his hands on the outsides of her arms. Always so fucking careful with her.

“And I’m upset because you should be more upset about it!” Her breath shuddered for a second but she inhaled sharply, not letting that turn into a sob, not letting whatever levy was holding the tears back break, “I know how much it hurts you when people are scared of you like that.” 

His grip on her arms instinctively slackened at that, and he glanced down. “Okay… you’re… not wrong about that,” he took his own steadying breath, “But… look, this isn’t the first time I’ve had to deal with people like that, and I really doubt it’s going to be the last, so—”

“And she laser-blasted you!” 

“Lois,” he gently touched the corner of her jaw, “Please don’t take this the wrong way, but this wasn’t the first time I’ve been shot by an alternate universe version of you.”

Lois’s eyes went wide and one corner of her mouth twitched.

“I mean it’s not fun, or anything, obviously,” Clark pulled his hands away from her and went on, his feet drifting off the ground—sometimes he floated when his mind was particularly occupied, she noticed, “It’s definitely not something I would ever want to go through again, but… it’s less of a shock the second time?”

“Claaark—!” Lois blurted out, distressed.

“Okay, that’s not really the point I wanted to make,” Clark ran a hand through his hair with a frustrated huff before his eyes met hers again, “What I’m saying is… I love you too, and no evil alternate version of you is going to change the way I feel about you. And in a weird way, it’s kind of a relief knowing there is an evil ‘you’ out there. Or at least a morally ambiguous antihero ‘you.’”

“What?” said Lois.

“I mean…” Clark drifted away from her, out over the edge of the building, folding his arms over his chest and staring out over the city. It was a strange moment where Lois was more starkly aware of the vast void of the street beneath him, rather than the fact that he was currently defying gravity. “I saw all those evil me’s. All those versions of Superman as this… force of terror and destruction. I still hate the thought of it…” His eyes flicked to hers, “Probably as much as you hate seeing that version of yourself. But it helped me realize, you don’t need powers to hurt people. I know my powers make me different, but they don’t make me… that. It all comes down to the choices we make and how our world shapes us, and I think seeing that version of you really helped me see that.”

Lois’s lips pressed thin.

“And… it just makes me realize how lucky I am to be in this universe with you,” he said, his eyes softening as a small smile lit up his features. He floated toward her again before finally letting his feet touch on the ground in front of her. Lois just stared up at him for a few seconds before making an exhausted groan and pretty much thumping her forehead onto the shield crest on his chest.

“Hey,” Clark cupped his hands at her jaw and kissed her forehead, “It’s okay.”

She looked up at him. Her hand went up to the red welts and Lichtenberg figures at his throat from the collar, hovering over the skin. He had a broken blood vessel in one eye, a splotch of red angrily snarling around big soft blue—whether it was from the repeated electrocutions of the Spider Lady, or the fight with Amazo, neither of them was sure. He gently brought up his own hand over hers, pressing her hand against his neck.

“I’m okay,” he said, before enveloping her in a hug, unthinkingly floating them both off the ground as he did so. He took her hand in his, studying her split knuckles. “Are you okay?” His eyes met hers again.

She stared at him for a few seconds. “No,” she said quietly, glancing down, “I just keep… seeing her. Seeing me. The way she didn’t even blink when you were twisting like that and—and I just…” her hand squeezed his, those scabs on her knuckles straining, threatening to bleed again in the cold, dry air. A short, forced chuckle fell out of her. “So, does the invulnerability help you with that? Does your brain…?” The question trailed off. One of those things that started in lightheartedness and then collapsed in on itself as she realized she really didn’t know.

“…I’ve been getting nightmares,” Clark said quietly, and Lois’s head jerked up to look at him,  “Between what I saw on the file, and what your dad showed me about Zero Day I…I’ve been getting them for a while. I’m sorry. I should have told you, but… I was scared. And I didn’t want to scare you. And I’m scared of how angry it makes me, knowing there are me’s like that out there. And I’m scared the more I think about it…” he trailed off. How many more times could he say the word ‘scared’ before it lost all meaning?

 “So what you’re saying is… you’re not okay,” said Lois, raising her eyebrows at him.

Clark set his jaw nervously for a moment before huffing out a breath. “Yeah. I guess so. I mean… I’m not.” 

A few long seconds passed between them before Lois smushed her cheek against his chest again. “How did you know her bracelet would short out the collar?” 

“I didn’t,” said Clark, “I mean, I knew it shocked, but… I wasn’t sure. If it didn’t work, I hoped maybe it would distract her enough to…”

“You were counting on me?” Lois’s eyebrows raised.

 “Kind of? Really, I was mostly counting on shorting the collar out, but I mean, you do actually have more formal hand-to-hand combat training than me. But also I was operating under a lot of electroshocks and a blow to the head at the time so…” 

“Ugh, I thought it was my job to do the stupid stunts,” her voice was half muffled against his chest. 

A short, soft chuckle escaped him. “Hey, I’m the one who keeps coming at people completely sheeted forward in a fight.”

“You do have to work on that!” she stuck her chin up at him defiantly. He just gave her an ‘I know’ smile, and she furrowed her brow, before pulling herself up, first kissing him on the jaw, then the mouth. He met her softly, feeling her fingers weave into his hair as the kiss deepened, feeling those fingers tense, almost pulling, almost. A little flare of need in the way her mouth pressed against his, that little grip of ‘mine.’ 

My Clark.

He held her closer to him as well, arms cradling and carefully tightening around her, trying to push out all the memory of the pain of electrical shocks and impact of weaponry and punches and kryptonite from the day, trying to replace it with the sensation of her body pressed against his. Replace the blunt, heavy pain with the weight of her in his arms, replace the sharpness and suffocation of kryptonite with her warmth. He could still kind of feel those hits from the fight, in the way you could still feel the sensation of the ocean after throwing yourself bodily into the waves for hours. He knew he and Jimmy would have to sit her down and talk to her about the Kryptonite at the League headquarters, but it would at least be easier with Jimmy backing him up… or maybe they would both team up on him with ‘Seriously, Clark, that was insane and you nearly died, you can’t keep doing stuff like that’ which was… also fair. He didn’t need to worry about that for now, though. Now was just softness, and super-hearing picking up her heartbeat, the rhythm of it against his own chest, and the sky tinging lilac and periwinkle, and—did she just shiver again? Her lips broke from his. “You can work on it later, though…” she murmured.

“What do you think…?” said Clark, as she leaned her head on his shoulder, the exhaustion of the day soaking in, “Takeout and that period piece we’ve been meaning to see that you know neither of us is going to stay awake for?” 

“Mm…” Lois looked off, “Maybe we should check on Jimmy. I mean… he… ”

“Lost his drone, which got turned into robot god by evil you, and then got sent to another dimension,” said Clark, talking through the events and realizing there was no way you could summarize them without sounding insane.

“Yeah…” said Lois.

“I texted him, but he hasn’t really gotten back to me for a couple hours now,” Clark shrugged. 

“…he’s not making another Scoops already, is he?” Lois arched an eyebrow.

“I dunno,” Clark shrugged.

Lois stared at him for a few seconds before giving him another pecking kiss on the cheek. “Let’s get you inside, Smallville.” 

———

“It’s with an ‘A?’” Jimmy was staring at the side of the decaf chestnut mocha where Jalana’s name was scribbled, “I thought it was spelled with an ‘E.’ Like jalapeño. The ‘A’ makes you think it should be pronounced ‘Jalahna.’”

“Still better than Jimberly,” said Jalana, taking the cup from him.

Jimmy gasped. “Who told you?!” 

She just gave him a lopsided smile and he said, “Right, duh,” as he grabbed his own cinnamon cayenne hot cocoa order from the counter. They stepped out from the coffee shop into a cold night on Metropolis’s streets. Jimmy was staring up at the sky, Metropolis’s light pollution and the clouds of a winter sky obscuring the stars.

“…thinking about Scoops?” Jalana stepped next to him.

“Yeah…” Jimmy said quietly. He looked at his cup for a minute. “I saw.. a lot of different Amazos looking through the League computer. But uh… jeez, if you guys were worried about Clark turning evil…”

“But this Amazo was made by you, not Ivo,” said Jalana, as they both started walking down the street.

“I know, but I’m not anywhere near Ivo’s level, heck I was literally just using hardware he made… but I hope… I hope the fact that it was me makes a difference for him,” Jimmy rolled the grip of his fingers on his cup before taking a long sip, sugar and chocolate and spice and warmth going right to his heart and brain. His breath fogged out of him.

“We are going to be monitoring the situation,” said Jalana, “We don’t want to do anything to provoke the Spider Lady or the Android, but obviously introducing such a powerful entity to an already unstable universe warrants observation.”

“Think some of those reports can find their way into Flamebird?” Jimmy quirked an eyebrow.

“If I hear anything about your baby, you’ll be the first to know,” said Jalana, elbowing him.

“Oh god that’s too weird to think about now,” said Jimmy.

“You did make it,” said Jalana.

“I made an orb…drone thing. Sure, the orb can be a baby, but I can’t really call an 8-foot-tall sentient parasite suit that now weirdly has my best friend’s voice coming out of it a ‘baby.'”

“Everyone says that when they become a father,” said Jalana, sagely.

“Literally no one says that,” said Jimmy.

Jalana just smirked and sipped her own drink.

“Think they can actually pull it off?” asked Jimmy, “Stabilizing their universe, I mean.”

“I don’t know,” said Jalana, “I mean, I’ve seen loads of Lois Lanes save their universes. Hell, I’m in the organization of ‘Lois Lanes who save the multiverse.’ But Earth 19-Y is pretty far gone. At the very least, it’ll keep them both busy for a while, which is good for the whole multiverse.” They took a turn into Centennial Park, the grass on either side of them was frosted and snowflakes were starting to fall, getting caught in the soft glow of the lampposts.

“So, any other universes where I’m a villain?” asked Jimmy, “Just… I figure we should cover our bases here.”

“A couple,” Jalana shrugged, “None for you to really worry about, though.” She paused, smiling a little. ”There’s one where we’re a giant turtle kaiju,”

“Really!?” Jimmy’s face lit up.

“But honestly, a lot of the time we’re more likely to be dead than villains. Olsens get killed off in a lot of universes,” 

“Wow…” Jimmy stared off into the distance, “The multiverse is racist.”

“Jimmy, we aren’t black in every universe.”

Jimmy gave her a skeptical side-eye.

“I literally just told you there’s a universe where you’re a giant turt—You know what? Never mind,” Jalana sipped her mocha, “It’s one of the things you have to get used to, in the League, the concept of being dead in another universe, the hole you leave. You can’t really take it personally.”

“…maybe you guys should start taking it personally,” said Jimmy.

“What?” said Jalana.

“Well, the Spider Lady said that you guys were basically using her universe as a petri dish. And… from what I saw of your archives, even if you guys were stopping big inter-dimensional criminals, you still needed her universe to be horrible and miserable so it could act as a kind of… multiverse barometer for you to track the movement of inter-dimensional contraband. Her universe was messed up by stuff that was well beyond her control, and you guys didn’t do anything to un-mess it, even though you definitely had the means. Is that right?”

Jalana looked stunned. “I mean I don’t decide the policy—“

“Jalana…”

“…yeah,” said Jalana after a few seconds, “You’re right. We didn’t.” 

“How many universes were made better by having all their nastiness dumped into hers?” 

“A lot…” said Jalana, and then, “Enough,” but her mouth pulled into a grimace. “Look, it wasn’t that easy. How are you supposed to tell the people from the Hell-Worm universe, ‘Oh hey, I know you’re all celebrating the fact that you no longer have Hell-Worms, but uh-oh, it turns out your Hell-Worms were just beamed to a different universe by a bad guy and we have to put them back now?’ So you… you don’t take it personally.” She was wincing at her own words. 

“That doesn’t stop the people in their own universes from taking it personally,” said Jimmy.

“No.. it doesn’t,” said Jalana.

“…do you think it’s going to be like that for us?” Jimmy’s voice went oddly level.

“What?” Said Jalana.

“I mean, me, and Clark, and Lois,” said Jimmy, “There’s still so much we don’t know about what Clark can do, and I know it scares him. But he wants to help, and he’s going to do more, and more. The problems are going to get bigger. The world is going to get bigger. We already have to tell him he can’t do everything just in this city for his own sake, but what if we become like the League? Letting whole universes suffer for what we think is the greater good? Destroying things for what they could become, rather than just seeing them for what they are?”

Jalana weighed his words for a few seconds. “I think… as long as you do worry about that, you don’t have to worry about it, do you know what I mean? When you stop worrying about it…that’s when you should be worried.”

“Probably going to have to come up with a better system than that,” said Jimmy, “I mean we could worry about it while still doing it, is the thing.”

“Yeah,” said Jalana, sipping her drink, “…it should probably be a bigger red flag for me that one of your big fears for your universe is ending up like us, huh?”

“I mean, yeah, you had all that ‘Evil Superman’ footage, but end of the day, for our Clark, you guys shot first.”

“Mm,” Jalana just sullenly sipped at her drink again.

“Well you didn’t,” Jimmy corrected himself, “Are you still going to stick with the League? That’s twice, or like, five times you’ve helped us now. Are you going to get like, interdimensional-court-martialed?

“Lanes need Olsens,” Jalana shrugged, “If there’s one consistent thing I’ve seen for Jimmies and Jalanas and Jaimes and Gemmas and Yakovs across the multiverse, it’s that, at our best, we keep our friends grounded. We remind the world of what really matters. Hopefully what happened with the Spider Lady will be a wake-up call, but if it isn’t…” she stirred the ice in her drink, “Either way, I have work to do with the League. Speaking of which,” she held her hand out expectantly.

“What?” Jimmy said innocently.

“Flamebird to Flamebird, don’t bullshit me,” said Jalana flatly, “I want to be able to write down that you were compliant in the report.”

Jimmy sighed, “Fine,” he said, fishing the Spider Lady’s inter-dimensional burn hole projector out of his jacket pocket and handing it over, “You don’t know if I was actually going to use it.”

“Sure I do,” said Jalana, pocketing it.

“…Is Yakov the turtle kaiju Jimmy?” Jimmy asked after a few seconds.

“No, Yakov Olsenovich is a ballerino.”

“I'm a ballerino!?”

——

It was a miracle Earth 19-Y was still holding together. Literally. To its credit, the disastrous warping of its magnetic field lent itself to beautiful auroras glittering across a furious dark red sky, but also resulted in phenomena could only be described as ‘mass migratory bird suicides’ and ‘lightning that goes the wrong way,’ among others. The constant rain of debris burning up in its atmosphere made every night a dread-filled spectacular meteor shower, which was its own strange consolation prize for stars that were no longer visible. 

A pale blue portal opened several hundred feet above a troubled ocean, and Amazo hovered out. The Android was no longer holding the Spider Lady by her jacket like a scruffed kitten, but rather carrying her bridal style as she kept her arms furiously folded across her chest and simmered in its arms. Amazo’s blank orange eyes surveyed its surroundings. It saw churning seas that had all but devoured every soft edge of a beach and now snapped and battered violently at crumbling cliffs at every shoreline. It saw the distant fires of rockets and anti-missile defense systems blinking and blooming against dark horizons.

“…it’s best not to stay in the open like this too long,” said the Spider Lady, looking at the seething, spraying waters below them. She squinted into the distance and made out a sad scribble of a skyline. “There,” she pointed, “Take us over there.” Amazo glanced down as she took in a breath as if steeling herself.

“Why there, Miss Lane?” Amazo tilted its head.

“It’s home,” the Spider Lady’s voice was barely audible over the roar of waves below. 

Amazo seemed to process her words for a second, before taking off in that direction. She tightened in the android’s arms in the ensuing blast of wind and spray of water, tucking her chin against her collarbone and squeezing her eyes shut. In a sense she had succeeded, she had gotten Amazo, brought the Android back to her world, but she was still coming back to a world without her Jimmy. The world she had left to save would now be her prison, and the weapon she had sought to save it with, her warden. She lifted her chin to glare up at Amazo, who was staring blankly ahead as it flew. Stupid robot, she thought darkly. 

 The Metropolis of her world was not the clean art deco lines and gleaming elevated trains of the Metropolis of Earth 12-M, but a twisted and burned shadow of it. Even the great ringed celestial sphere sculpture topping the Daily Planet building was a warped and crumpled crescent, like something had taken a bite out of it. Amazo chose that as the landmark to touch down on. 

Amazo had barely assumed a stable standing position on the Daily Planet’s roof when the Spider Lady furiously flapped an arm in the Android’s face, her legs trying to flail out of its grip. “Down. Put me down.”

The android all but dropped her and she stumbled a few steps away from him to regain her balance. Her head was still pounding and her body ached all over from the beating that other Lois had given her, and actually standing on her own two feet gave her a chance to finally assess the damage that had been done. Her head was swimming from equal parts exhaustion, not eating, and the welts and bruises she could feel making their presence known as the adrenaline of everything faded. The Spider Lady swept her hands down the front of her dress with distaste before looking around, her shoulders visibly slumping. “Shithole, sweet shithole,” she said, softly, looking around the ruined Metropolis.

Amazo was silent behind her, a golden sentinel, what should have been her ultimate weapon now turned to… she didn’t know what. A hero, if all the morons one world back could be believed, but she knew better than that. Across so many worlds, Amazo, too, was a force of fear and destruction. It would be safer as a weapon. Sentience? The ability to make its own choices? No, she couldn’t trust that at all. She put her hands on her hips and puffed out a breath.

“All right, Golden Boy,” she said, “Let’s get one thing straight: Without me you’d still be a glorified camera orb floating around in the happy-go-lucky rom-com ‘Oh no, killing is bad’ universe. So I expect to be treated with a little respect if we’re both going to be stuck here.”

“I do not see how showing you disrespect would benefit the current situation,” said Amazo.

“Ugh, how much of that Clark did you absorb?” 

“I do not absorb, I duplicate. Though, I can understand the confusion, seeing as the exterior of this chassis was previously the Parasite of Earth 12-M.”

The Spider Lady dragged a hand down her face with barely contained rage. Amazo looked out towards the horizon.

“I was made to save this universe,” said Amazo, like it hadn’t been saying that this whole damn time, “I anticipated dire conditions, but it is clear there are multiple crises happening both independently and interdependently.” 

“What, were you thinking you’d just… take care of it all in one go? Fly around the world really fast? Turn back time? No, it doesn’t work like that.. this world is broken forwards and backwards.” 

“I see…” Amazo said slowly.

“Where do you want to start?” said the Spider Lady, “The Marianas trench fish man invasion? The giant living metal engine city that’s grown over the smoking crater that used to be L.A. County? That one psychic who’s possessed the entire British Isles and will likely kill everyone if he has an aneurysm which could happen in the next few hours? The Hell-Worms? Take your pick. You can pretty much chuck a rock anywhere and there’s something to do.”  

“What is causing the disruption in this earth’s magnetic field?” Amazo asked after a few seconds, looking up.

“Oh, that?” The Spider Lady chewed her thumbnail, “That was a failed doomsday device from some other dimension from a few years ago. It’s still stuck in our core. Apparently it didn’t work on our earth because it was meant for another planet and…” she flapped a hand, “Iiii don’t think you should start with that. You only have the Kryptonian’s powers. And you’d have to go to the planet’s core and like… get it spinning again? Jimmy knew more about it than me…” she trailed off quietly, then suddenly perked up, “Oh you know what? I’m pretty sure that lava monster is still attacking Iceland. Actually, we probably don’t have an Iceland any more but the lava monster’s definitely still there. Go beat that thing up, get its powers, and then you can go to the earth’s core.”

“An adequate strategy.” Amazo mused, floating off the ground slightly, “Thank you, Miss Lane.”

“Psh. You would have figured it out on your own, probably,” the Spider Lady shrugged.

“It is my understanding that many universes have collapsed in the absence of their respective Lois Lanes,” said Amazo, solemnly, “Do not underestimate your importance to this one.”

A blush crept up the Spider Lady’s cheeks—or maybe it was just all the broken blood vessels from all the punches. Yeah, that had to be it.

“Eh—” the Spider Lady’s breath caught in her throat for a second before she shook her head and then barked, “D-didn’t I tell you to go beat up that lava monster!? What are you doing floating there, for!? Hop to it, Golden Boy!”

Amazo gave her a single, acquiescent nod that send another flush of heat up the back of her neck, then took off, leaving the Spider Lady on the roof of the ruined Daily Planet. “Stupid robot…” she muttered under her breath, fidgeting with her hair.

#My adventures with Superman #MAWS fanfic #clois #DC

[mousebetterhavemymoney]

Gangnam Style (Chapter 3)

~Trigger warnings~

Language, depictions of domestic abuse

Seoul, March 8, 1999.

Jang-Mi tossed and turned in a fitful sleep as the horrors of her past flooded her mind again.

So much time had passed, but it felt like none at all. It was as if she lived in every moment of trauma she suffered.

Especially at night.

The moment her head hit the pillow each night, the nightmare began anew, and the images of terror and pain ran amok in her mind.

The blood that pooled over the beautiful rug.

The shards of glass embedded deeply into her skin.

And the voices... Always, the voices.

"I don't know what i did wrong, Danny! I am sorry! I want to be good wife to you, I do! Just tell me what i did! Why can't i please you?

"You'll always be my little pet. Nothing more."

She shot out of bed, sweat pouring down her forehead as she took in deep breaths.

Ugh, that dream again. 씨발.

Jang-Mi tossed the sheets away and began her descent downstairs, where she knew she'd find solace in her music room.

And a bottle of Soju, of course.

______________________________________________________________

"And all the people say You can't wake up, this is not a dream You're part of a machine, you are not a human being With your face all made up, living on a screen Low on self-esteem, so you run on gasoline"

Jang-Mi ran her hands through her inky dark hair as she lifted her hands from the piano, letting out a breath she hadn't known she'd been holding.

Things had been... difficult since the accident.

The scars along her back were healing up nicely, but the mental ones were going nowhere fast. Jang-Mi's good friend Britney had been more than considerate during this time of suffering, and she knew she was lucky to have her in her life.

Maybe going to that Clueless premiere wasn't such a mistake after all.

Jang-Mi placed a hand under her chin, which allowed her to go deeper into thought, and ignored the discordant notes that played on the piano as she her elbow hit the keys.

Her new album would drop tomorrow. She didn't know if anyone would like it.

And If she was being honest with herself, she didn't give two s**ts.

The people on the news rarely talked about her anymore, and when they did, it was either in pity, or mockery.

No more.

Jang-Mi wasn't the fragile flower she'd once been. And she was going to make sure the world would never again see her as a weakling. Jang-Mi had grown a lot since the accident, and she was going to prove that to everyone.

If they didn't like it, they could f**k off.

Jang-Mi shook herself out of her moody thoughts and snatched the bottle off the windowsill beside her. It was time for another shot.

Or two.

______________________________________________________________

Detroit, March 12, 1999.

Marshall found himself transfixed by the radio as he sat in the dark parking lot. Before long, he was tapping his foot to the beat as the song played on the radio. The singer sounded familiar, but he couldn't place where the hell he'd heard her voice before.

"And that was "Gasoline" by Jamie-Ann, who is shaking up the music world with a new album, and a new name!"

"Jamie-Ann, huh? interesting."

The song was bold.

Harsh.

Provocative.

And there wasn't a damn line in it that he didn't relate to.

Whoever this girl was, she knew what she was doing. As Em began to start his car, he made himself a promise.

"If i ever see this girl in person... i gotta meet her."

______________________________________________________________

A/n

Whew! that was a doozy. i literally busted my hump to write this before thanksgiving so you guys could read it while stuffing your faces, as i promised i would do. That being said, i hope it dosen't feel rushed. Anyway, disclaimer, all rights for "Gasoline" belong to Halsey, of course. Enjoy! ❤

#eminem x reader #eminem #marshall mathers #slim shady #y2k #happy holidays! #My chapters are usually so short #i unintentionally made this one much longer #your'e welcome i guess? #eminem fanfiction