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subbe93 · 3 years

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The Roulette of Destiny part 3

A/N: Thank you all for the likes and comments ❤ I kinda want to tell you how much those means to me, but I really don't have words... So instead: I hope you enjoy chapter 3!

Chapter 1 ~ Chapter 2

Chapter 3:

On the fourth day, they traveled to Shizuoka. Ran send her mother a message that she would stay a few more days at her friend’s place and said that they would figure out some wedding preparations. The answer she got wasn’t a pleased one, but she still kind of got permission to do what she wanted, so it was enough.

She knew she should tell them the truth. Ran didn’t like to lie, yet she couldn’t find enough courage to tell them that she was traveling with a stranger. She knew that her father wouldn’t be too bad to handle, but her mother was another thing. Her mother would scold her, and it wouldn’t be just a five-minute sermon. Her mother was smart and if Ran wanted to win her over, made her see a reason, Ran should use her words wisely. She just wasn’t sure if she could do that. She was good to appeal to the feelings, but to her mother, the reason was a more valid rationale. And Ran couldn’t figure out how she would make any good reasonable excuse for trusting a stranger that her mother would accept it.

But Ran promised herself to tell them a truth soon. Maybe she should ask for help from Shinichi who seemed to be a very reasonable guy.

So, on the fourth day, they traveled to Shizuoka and registered in the hotel. This time their room was a little bigger and better than in Yokohama, but at this point, Ran didn't mind. Even though on the first day she was a little tensed about the thought that she would share the room with Shinichi, now she didn’t mind it at all. Actually, she was a little surprised when she realised that she would rather share a room with him than being alone.

That day they spend in the city streets and shops to complete some of their needs. Mostly they visited jewelry stores and checked their selections. Jewelry stores weren’t anything new to Ran since she had visited them with Sonoko, but she hadn’t ever tried anything which she didn't know that she can afford. So when Shinichi suggested that she would try those rings, she was in a little shock. She? Why in the world? In the end, it wasn’t for her.

But after losing the staring contest to Shinichi, she accepted.

And it was more exciting than Ran could have ever guessed. She had never dreamed to see any of those beautiful and expensive rings on her finger. God, she never even dared to dream anything like that! She hadn't even known that she would want to do something like that! There were many beautiful rings and pretty soon Ran totally forgot why they even were there or to who they were buying rings. After three shops and many rings, she was still so excited. She was so happy when shopkeepers show what they got, and more excited when they gave her permission to try them. And every new ring she put on her finger, she took her time to admire them before she turned to Shinichi like a little child who had found a new toy, showed it to him, and asked his opinion. It was so perfect!

Until they got to the fourth shop. Ran admired one of the rings, and after showing it to Shinichi, the shopkeeper opened her mouth: “Well, when is going to be that lucky day?”

The reality hit harder than it should have. Suddenly all the happiness and excitement were gone. Something tightened on her chest when she realised how deep she had been in her dream world. How on the earth did she succeed on that, even when she knew from the beginning that this wasn't for her? Even though she knew that any of those rings wouldn't be on her finger after two months? How do you forget something like that?

She lowered her gaze to look at the beautiful ring on her finger. Yeah, it didn't matter how much she liked it or not, it wasn't for her. God, the whole point of visiting the jewelry stores hadn't had anything to do with her! Shinichi just happened to ask her with him, to give him her opinion which ring would be nice enough for his fiancée.

But before this day, Ran hadn't known that she would love to experience something like this. And even though, if her groom would take her with him to choose a ring, she wondered if it would be the same. Would she still have as much fun as now? Would she still feel happy and excited as she did with Shinichi? Or...

She felt an arm over her shoulders. She raised her gaze at the same time when Shinichi pulled her closer to him. What he…?

“In two months”, he answered with a straight face and then showed a smile to Ran. “We wanted to get this done as soon as possible… Right, Love?”

Ran felt a blush on her cheeks even though she was a little confused. Why did he lie? Why didn’t he just admit that they were just looking at them? Why…

”Love?” he repeated and raised his other eyebrow. The grip on her shoulder tightened a little like trying to make her relax. “Aren’t you feeling well? If you want, we can come back later…”

Ran shook her head and show a little smile. “It’s okay, I’m fine”, she answered and leaned on him. Well, if that was what he wanted… “I was just a little surprised. I thought this should have been secret?” She tried to hide another question in her question, but she wasn’t sure if he would get it. She couldn’t say that she would if she would be in his shoes right now.

Shinichi showed her a warm-hearted smile. “Oh, come on, it’s not like she would tell anyone, right?” he asked and looked at the seller. The woman laughed and mentioned something about professional confidentiality, and when she crouched to got something from the cabinet underneath from the showcase, Shinichi continued on Ran's ear a little quietly: “Wasn’t this one of your dreams? To watch and adore rings which another half would buy to you?”

His breath tickled on her ear, and she looked at him, but at that point, his gaze was back to the seller who had just straightened herself and now talked about something that Ran didn’t register at all.

She knew he was nice and kind, even though he was sometimes a little annoying, but still a good man in Ran’s books. Ran thought that they were some kind of friends since they got along and all, but since there still were many things that they hadn't shared with each other, she wasn't sure if she could say that they were close. And yet, even though she was sure that she couldn't like him more than that, she was wrong. That man... He was so ready to go this far just to make some of Ran's dreams true. She wasn't sure if she could have done the same. Though she wasn’t even sure if she could say that this was her dream since she had never before thought about it. But at the same time, she would lie to everyone if she would say that she hadn’t enjoyed this. God, she was so happy about this whole thing that she even managed to ignore the reality, had a chance to lie to herself that she would one day wear some of those rings which she had just tried... She did sink on that another reality deep enough that one simple question from an innocent shopkeeper’s mouth made her fallen back to the Earth. And yet…

Maybe that was what he wanted? Ran didn’t know if she really looked too much into it, but maybe Shinichi wanted her to still feel that happiness and excitement? Maybe he wanted to give her a chance to lie to herself a little longer, give her a little more time to live in that another reality where she could marry a man that she loved?

Ran felt touched. This man would do so much to make her forget the things that bothered her even for a moment. He was thoughtful. Because if the roles would have been other way, she would have been bold enough to admit that they weren’t together. That this ring wouldn’t be for them.

If she would have been in his place, she would have broken his dreams without a thought.

“Ran?”

Ran stared at those blue eyes which looked a little worried and confused. Oh, was she staring at him all this time?

“Is everything okay?”

“Oh, yeah, sorry…” she answered and laughed a little awkwardly while moved her hair behind her ear. She saw the seller looking at her with curiosity. Well, she didn’t want to admit to Shinichi what she was thinking anyway, but she still wanted to thank him. She wanted that he would know how much this all meant to her even though she didn’t know herself that she needed it. But she couldn’t say out loud, not without blowing up their cover. So, she decided to do something which she had seen happens in romantic movies, and maybe that way Shinichi would understand her hidden thanks. She put her hand behind him and leaned closer to him with a smile on her face. And she felt how hot her cheeks were, yet she tried to ignore it. “Just remembered how much I… I… love you.”

If it would have been possible, she was sure that her cheeks would burn holes on her cheeks. Yet she couldn’t take her eyes away from Shinichi and his blushed face. The surprised look changed for a moment in confusion before he started to smile sheepishly. He let out an awkward short laugh before squeezing her shoulder and hiding his face on her hair.

She found him cute.

“Love you too”, he answered loud enough that the seller would hear it too. Then he moved away and without meeting Ran’s eyes, he turned to look at rings. “But now, what do you think about those. In the end, you deserve only the best.”

Ran didn’t know exactly why, but somehow, she felt that something changed in that jewelry store. Shinichi walked beside her, yet he felt somehow distant. And Ran didn’t like it. Whatever she tried to talk to him, the answer was humming, or something like “Yeah” or “Right”. She even went so far that she asked some questions about Sherlock Holmes, just because she knew how much he loved that subject and she knew it would lighten his mood.

It didn't work.

Ran was pretty sure that it was something that happened in that jewelry store. Did she go too far? She really thought that it would have been a good way to say thank you without telling the seller that it was a lie, but now that she thought of it... Maybe it was too much?

But he started it without telling her. If she would have known…

As much as Ran loved that other reality where she visited and the thought that Shinichi wanted her to enjoy it a little more, she was sure that it wasn’t worthy of making Shinichi that distant. They should have stayed with the truth, as much as it would have hurt Ran.

So, when they got to their hotel room, she decided to face whatever was bugging him.

“What’s wrong?”

“Huh?” Shinichi asked and turned to her.

“What’s wrong?” she repeated and stepped closer to him. Ran examined his face which didn’t tell much to her. But in his eyes, something glimmered, and Ran wanted to know what it was. Hopefully, the reason which was bothering him.

“Oh”, he answered and looked away nervously. “Nothing’s wrong. Just a long day, I believe…”

“Shinichi…”

“Really”, he assured and smiled at her. “You don’t have to worry about me, okay?”

Ran tilted her head with a worried look.

“Shinichi, you have been like this since that jewelry store… thing”, she said. “Did I do something wrong? Did I insult you when I…”

“No”, he almost shouted and made her startled a little. Then he shook his head. “No”, he answered more calmly. “No, it was okay, you know.” He raised his hand back on his neck and looked sheepishly somewhere else. “I mean… Truth to be told, it surprised me, I wasn’t prepared anything like that, but… no, you didn’t do anything wrong.”

Ran frowned even though her cheeks started to be warm just remembering it. “Then why?” she asked. “Why are you so distant?”

“I’m not…”

“Yes, you are”, Ran interrupted. “You aren’t as talkative and tantalizing as normally… Or at least what you have been with me.”

“Okay, sorry”, he answered. “But… I…” He took a little break, like searching for the right words. He still didn’t meet her gaze. “I… Look, listen.” He looked at her and Ran could tell that his smile wasn’t as bright as normal. It made a little crack on her heart. “Don’t worry about me, okay? We came here to have fun and forget everything else, so… Let’s just forget this and let’s have some fun.” He looked out of the window. “We have still some time, we can…”

“I can’t have fun if you don’t”, she interrupted him. He closed his mouth but still stared at the window. Ran stepped closer to him and touched his arm to calm him. He tensed for a moment before relaxed. “Listen, Shinichi. I’m worried about you. I… I thought that… Well, maybe I’m too easy, but after last night in Yokohama, I thought that we are able to talk to each other. I mean I even cried against your shoulder, and it was embarrassing…”

“It wasn’t”, he interrupted.

Ran rolled her eyes. “Well, for me, but it really helped. And… I kind of want to return to favor.” She smiled at him encouraging and stroke his arm. “So, tell me, what’s wrong?”

He let his eyes wandering anywhere else but on her. He looked like a lost child who didn’t know what he should do. Like something was holding him.

“You can tell me the truth, you know”, she said eventually. “I can take it.”

Shinichi sighed. “Listen, it’s not about it”, he answered and finally looked at her. A little blush glowed on his cheeks while he tried so hard to look like there was nothing wrong. “I… I… I’m not just good with… things like this, okay?”

Ran tried her hardest to keep the smile on herself. She believed that it wouldn’t help this situation at all. “Things like… what?” When he looked so uncomfortable, she continued: “Like… things that bother you?”

He looked away. “You can put it like that”, he said.

“But if it’s because of me…”

“No, it’s not because of you, okay?” he interrupted and turned to her again. He opened his mouth and tried to find some words for a while. “It’s… It’s about this stupid arranged marriage thing. I just… I…”

“You?”

“I…” He sighed. “I just… started to wonder if I ever hear those three words with a meaning.”

Ran was surprised, though maybe she shouldn’t have. It was a surprise to hear that Shinichi, who was sort of cynical last night about the whole arranged marriage, was thinking something like that. Yet he was still human and all of them had feelings and dreams. It was only natural to want to find someone who would say those words and really mean it.

“I know, my parents think of my best. Or well, I still believe that my mom is the one who is behind this whole mess. I know that she is so worried that if she doesn’t pull some strings, I’m going to be alone my whole life and she wouldn’t get wedding, daughter-in-law, and grandchildren. And I thought it’s going to be fine. If I and my future wife wouldn't meet eye to eye, I can always spend all my life working. But…”

Ran waited, but he didn’t continue. So, he wasn’t very good to talk about what he felt. But she probably could guess what he wanted to say.

“But now you realised that it’s not going to be okay, right?” she helped him. “That you still would like to have someone who would like to know you as you are, love the person who you are with your flaws and all.”

He snorted. “Pretty stupid, right?”

“I don’t think so”, she said gently. “Every one of us wants to hear those words with a true meaning.”

Shinichi looked at her and somehow in his blue eyes Ran could see vulnerability. She realised that behind that cynical, yet cheerful look there were hidden so much more than he let anyone see. She could only guess what else there could be, but she knew that probably nothing good would happen if she would try to discover them. But still, isn’t there anyone who had listened to him? Anyone who he would tell everything when something bothers him?

He opened his mouth to say something but was interrupted. The flip phone on Ran’s bed started to ring. Both of them moved their attention on it, looking at how the screen flashed as a sign that there was something going on.

“You should answer to that.”

Ran looked at him. “It can wait, you…”

Shinichi smiled. “I’m better, thanks”, he said and nodded to the phone. “It can be your parents.”

Ran stared at him like fighting against it, but when his stares become too much to handle, she snorted and went to her phone. Well, at least the caller was someone stubborn because it was still ringing.

She opened it.

“Sonoko”, she mostly said to herself. “Wonder what she wants while having a good time with her boyfriend.” Shinichi laughed from behind her, probably he heard a shade of salty in her voice.

She answered: “Well, hello Son-“

“RAN! Where are you? Why it took so long to answer my call?”

Ran put the phone away from her ear though if her eardrum would be destroyed, it would have happened already.

“Calm down, Sonoko”, she said loud enough to get word to Sonoko and get her calm down. “I’m in Shizuoka right now.”

“Shizuoka?” Sonoko repeated. “Why in the world are you there?”

Ran laughed softly before she turned around and sat on her bed. “I’m on a journey. How is it going with Kyogoku-san?”

“With whom?”

Ran frowned. “With Kyogo-”

“No”, Sonoko interrupted. “Who is with you?”

Ran felt how her heart skipped some beats. She stared at Shinichi who sat on the couch and was looking at something on his hands. Book or phone, she couldn't see.

Why Sonoko wanted to know?

“Is it too strange to be alone?” she asked and laughed trying to lighten the atmosphere. Though she was pretty sure it didn’t work.

“Ran, what’s going on?”

“What do you mean?”

Shinichi turned his eyes on her. Ran tried to smile assuring.

“Ran, your mom called me like… five minutes ago”, Sonoko answered. “She asked if I know where you are. And when she got enough of roasting me, because she thought I’m hiding you, she asked me to send all our friends' phone numbers to her that she can call them and ask if they have heard of you.”

Ran winced. Oh God, did her mother really got suspicious?

Shinichi stood up, which made Ran came back to reality. She followed him with her gaze. “I’m going to lounge to read so you can talk to your friend”, he said quietly.

Ran frowned. “You don’t have to.”

“Ran? Who are you talking to?”

“It’s okay”, Shinichi answered and smiled. “See you later.”

“Later”, she said with a little smile and looked how he left while Sonoko shouted on the phone.

“RAN!”

“Yeah, yeah”, Ran answered and focused on Sonoko again. “So, what…”

“Who were you talking to?” Sonoko’s voice interrupted again. “Your kidnapper? Just tell me where you are, and I send some help…”

“Sonoko, calm down!” she ordered. “When you have been calmed down, I promise, I tell you everything.”

Ran listened to how her best friend took a deep breath a few times. Then she sighed. “So, are you okay? Who did you talk to earlier?”

“I am fine”, Ran answered. She glanced at the door even though she knew that Shinichi was long gone. “And who I talked to earlier… Well, he is a friend of mine…”

“He?” Sonoko repeated and instead of sounding worried, she sounded curious. “He? Who is exactly 'he'?”

Well, Ran recognized that tune in her voice. She rolled her eyes while imagining an evil and curious smile on her friend's face right now, and she was pretty sure that there is going to be a long interrogation. “You don’t do anything with that knowledge.”

“Oooooh, Raaaaan, are you hiding something from me?”

“I’m not!”

“Then”, Sonoko continued with her honeyed voice, “you can tell me who is your so-called friend?”

Ran felt a blush on her cheeks. “His name is Shinichi.”

“Shinichi? Shinichi who?”

Shinichi… who?

“I… I… I don’t know…”

“What?” Sonoko shouted and Ran had to put the phone away from her ear again. “Come on, how you don’t know his surname?”

“I haven’t asked”, Ran answered honestly. “I just met him four days ago at the hotel restaurant. He sat at the same table with me, and after some talking, he asked if I want to go on a trip with him, and I said yes.”

“What, you went on the trip with a stranger? Ran, have anyone ever told you that you shouldn’t trust anyone who you don't know?! He probably just wants to use you…”

“If he does, he would have done it already”, she defended him. “Shinichi hasn’t done anything to me, trust me! He is the same age as we and really a gentleman.” She smiled just thinking about him. “He is fun and nice… Sometimes little full of himself and annoyance, but kind and smart. We have so much fun together!”

And before she actually realised it, she started to tell her about their journey. Ran told her how extempore they left from Tokyo and went to Yokohama, she told her all the places where they visited, promised also show her pictures that she had taken on her phone and she complained about all the things that Shinichi had made fun of her, but also told all those times that she got a chance to annoy him. She told her some of their conversations and how well they understood each other.

“Ooooh, missus”, Sonoko said when Ran finished, “It sounds like you’re in love.”

Ran blushed. “I’m not!”

“Come on, Ran, don’t deny it! You don’t even use honorific!” She laughed. “If you could hear yourself right now, you would think the same!”

“I doubt that”, she answered and felt how all her happiness melted away and uneasiness came instead. “Besides, even if it would be the case, it wouldn’t happen.”

“What, why? You are a free woman, Ran! You should tell him if you like him. Or does he have a girlfriend? Which I kind of doubt, because why otherwise he would leave with someone else to journey around Japan?”

Ran sighed. Well, it seemed like they couldn’t avoid this topic at all. Or maybe it was just a thing which they needed to talk about that they could enjoy their journey?

So she told her. She told to Sonoko how one evening her parents told her that she needed to get married, which had made Ran mad. She told her best friend how they had had a fight before Ran marched into her room and slammed the door behind her making sure that her parents knew what she thought about it. She told her how she cried until fell asleep, and for the first thing in the morning she had left and decided to spend the day eating well and shopping alone, giving herself time to think about it, but in breakfast, she had met Shinichi, who happened to be in the same situation.

“Wow…” Sonoko said quietly. “I mean… I…” She left a dry laugh. “Wow…”

“I know”, Ran answered as quietly as her friend.

“I mean… I… I can’t believe your parents did something like that”, Sonoko continued, and her voice told Ran that she was serious. “I mean… Why? I… Well, I kinda get it, but then I don’t…” She took a little break before asked: “Who is your groom? His name?”

“I have no idea”, Ran answered honestly. “That night I was so furious with them that I just wanted to leave, and after that, I haven’t met my parents.” She laughed sadly. “Actually, I haven’t even talked to them directly after that. I just had sent a message to my mom just saying that I’m staying in a friend’s place until I’m calmed down.”

“Well, you have to get back home soon or think some other excuses”, Sonoko said, and her tune made something twist on Ran’s stomach. “Like I told you, she called me before I called you, and asked if I know anything. She also said that she is going call all our friends just to get to know where you are.”

“You have to be kidding me”, Ran sighed. She gazed again to the front door thinking about the situation. Yeah, she probably should go back home, but… but… She sighed again. “I don’t want to go home yet…”

“Well, I’m not sure what to do either”, Sonoko answered, “but maybe you should try to talk to your parents now and tell them how you feel about this marriage. Maybe now, when you two are calmed down and got to think about it, maybe she would be ready to give up to it?”

Ran smiled. “Yeah, you’re right.” Then she looked at the clock. It was late enough, and if her mom is going to call her every friend, she probably wouldn’t be in her best mood. “I call her tomorrow. After good night's sleep.”

Chapter 4

#ShinRan #Arranged Marriage AU #The Roulette of Destiny #Detective Conan #Fanfiction #Shinichi Kudo #Ran Mouri #Part 3

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moonyswriting · 3 years

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Pride

Happy Pride Month everyone! Whether you queer or questioning, closeted or out, I am so proud of you, you are valid and perfect! Remember that you never have to come out if you don’t want to. You’re not lying to anyone if you don’t. You don’t owe them to come out. Only do it if you want to. Also remember that labels can stay forever or can change and both is perfectly normal. You're fantastic the way you are. <3

So, I managed to write a pride fic for the first day of pride month! yay me. I hope you like it :)

Thank you for the idea @moonofthenight

Characters by @lumosinlove

When Pascal came into their living room it had never looked more colourful, but it had also not looked this messy in a long time. There was tape on all four sides of the table, paper and little paper cut outs all over the floor and in the middle of everything, all his four children, looking like deer in the headlights.

“What happened?”, he asked slowly. There would be a reasonable explanation for all of this, he was sure. Celeste had probably helped and they would clean everything back up in no time, leaving no trace of a mess before the team came over for dinner tonight.

Adele shuffled over looking at the floor. “Um,” she stared before glazing back at her siblings, who nodded at her encouragingly. “So, we decided to make some things for the others. You know, since you’re having that Pride Party tonight? We thought we’d make little gifts for the team.”

Oh, Pascal’s heart was already a puddle. “You-”, he stared, but couldn’t continue. He had questioned a lot if he should have raised his children differently, more open to the rainbow or attractions and genders (or lack thereof) that was out there, but this made him feel like he and Celeste had at least done some things right.

Pascal only realised he hadn’t properly said anything yet when Katie rushed towards him, hugging his hip. “Please don’t be mad. I promise, we’ll clean it all up. Mama said she’d help us!”, the big eyes of his youngest daughter stared up at him, guilty, but hopeful.

“I’m not mad, mon chou.”, picking her up, he turned towards the other three, still standing in front of him. “Not at any of you. This is an incredible idea! The team will love them. Thank you so much, it’s really thoughtful.” Leaning down, he placed a kiss on each of his childrens’ foreheads, including Katie’s before setting her down to get back to the others. Celeste walked through the door the next moment, flowers of all colours in her hand.

“You found our little pride squad then?”she asked, walking past him and into the kitchen, probably to cut off the ends of the stems. “Don’t worry, I’ll help them clean up and we’ll be done before any of your teammates even leave their houses.”

His wife knew him too well. He hated when other people visited them and their house was messy. Of course there had been times where he couldn’t really keep it clean with four toddlers running around, but he still always tried and his family knew that and helped him. It wasn’t really that it bothered him that visitors could see that they were possibly not clean people, it was just the principle. He thought it should that they were prepared and anticipated someone’s visit. He never wanted them to think it was a bad time to visit because he would eventually excuse the mess. He always wanted everyone to feel welcome.

And that’s what tonight would be about. Making his team feel always welcomed and loved and accepted.

Celeste returned back to their dining room without the flowers, kissing Pacal’s cheek and then turning towards their children. “Did you show him what you made already?” they shook their heads but quickly climbed up onto chairs and sorted through the things they had made. “They’re all really cute, I already saw some of them.” Celeste whispered giddily into his ear, as excitement bloomed in his chest and they walked over to look at the crafts.

“Here!” Katie waved a piece of paper in the air and Pascal walked around the table to look at what she had made. SHe beamed up at him as she explained, “This is for Tremzy! And Harzy and Knutty! It’s a card and I drew Lo, Leo and Finn on the front, see!” The man took the card in his hands. There were three stick figures on it, the smallest with brown hair, the next one with bright red hair and the last, taller than the other with yellow hair. In the back there were blue, red and black dots. “Why did you use those colours, ma petite?” He did have an idea, but with the many coloured pens on the table it could have just been a coincidence.

He could see Katie look over to Adele and Marc, before her eyes met his again. “Del and Marc said that those are the colours when you have more than one love and Logan has Finn and Leo, so they said I should use those. They look good together right?” Pascal could see that he wasn’t the only one close to tears after glazing over at Celeste smiling brightly. “Yes, Katie, it looks beautiful. Lo, Leo and Finn will love it! Adele, Marc, thank you for helping your sister. I know that this will mean a lot to Logan.” then as if he couldn’t help but to add, “I’m also very proud of you for looking up pride flag colours. I’m really happy you're informing yourself about these topics. They’re important.”

They all smiled at him. Pascal went over to Louis next. “I made two! This one is a card for Olli and Del and Marc also helped me with colours, so it's black, grey, white and this really nice purple that Katie gave me. It didn’t really match the photo, but I liked it better than the really dark one. Do you think he’ll mind?” The fact that his youngest son actually looked concerned staring down at his work had a tear spilling over. He let out a wet chuckle. “Non, je pense qu’il va l'adorer, c’est parfait. For who is the green one?” Louis pulled it out from under his other one and now Pascal could see it was not just green. There were black, grey, white and purple stripes on it too. “It’s for Reg! See, it’s got these stripes and then I drew this heart above it, cause even though he doesn’t want a boyfriend like Siri, he still gets all the love he needs from me and Siri and you and Re and the rest of the team!” Celeste came over and placed a kiss on his cheek, “He loves you too, mon lapinou. They look amazing.”

He walked over to his older son, he didn’t know if he could be any prouder of them. “ I made one for Kasey, Nat and Alex.” Marc stated as he handed his father one of the cards he had made. There were three heads on it, one with long blond hair and hoop earrings, one with light brown hair to the shoulders and one with dark red hair, freckles filling up more of his face than the light pink his son had used for all their skin tones. Pascal was about to compliment it, when Marc gave him another one. “This one is for Nado and Kuny. I made it full of hearts in pan and bi colours, because you mentioned that once and I really hope it’s right.” before Pascal could even think his next thought a stack of cards was placed in his hands. “And then for some of then we didn’t know, but we didn’t want them to feel left out or asume, so I made some rainbow ones for Pots, Talker, Sergei, Timmers, Cookie, Bluey, Ringer, Volley, Wrangler, Sunny and Foxy.”

Pascal was a bit shaken, not only that his son even remembered everyone of his teammates, without missing a single one, but at him having crafted every single one of them a rainbow card. “They will all love them, I’m sure. They look incredible.”

He saw Adele look down at her cards and moving them slightly out of view. Frowning, he walked over to her, “Did you also make something, ma colombe?” She nodded, pulling out one of her cards and holding it up for him to see. It was beautiful. She had glued blue magazine cut outs on the top of the cards, which got lighter til they reached a white in the middle and to green ones at the bottom. Over it there was a heart which read “Some hockey players marry their PT, get over it” He didn’t know how she had thought of that, but it was true and funny and so Adele, Pascal had no choice but to love it.

“These are all perfect. Thank you so, so much for making them, they’ll all love them I’m sure. We can tell them to all sit down in the living room so you can give them their cards later, sounds good?” They all nodded, seemingly happy with the idea. “Now let’s clean up before they come here and don’t recognize the place, eh?” All of them nodded as they got up, Celeste telling them where to start and how to clean it.

Pascal moved to the kitchen with the tray of now empty glasses Celeste had no doubt gotten them earlier, when he heard something behind him. Once he had carefully placed down everything he turned around to see Adele standing in the kitchen, arms behind her back. He waited for her to speak for only a moment until she did. “So, you saw that we made cards for everyone, because they’re all great and we should let them know we love and support them, right?” Pascal nodded, letting her continue, “But there’s one more card I made,” Pascal had counted before, his children hadn’t forgotten a single one of his teammates, he had no clue what that last card could be for. “because it’s important that they know they’re loved right?” she continued, “that’s a really important part of all of this. So,” she slowly pulled out a card from behind her back, “this one is for exactly that. Just because someone’s not queer or questioning, doesn’t mean they’re not important this month. It’s not the main focus of it, of course, but having allies is a big part of being able to be proud of who they are for some people. I wanted to thank you for that. I could have gotten some homophobic dad like some of my classmates, but I’m really, really glad I got you.”

She handed him the card she had made, similar to the collage of magazines but in black and white stripes with a rainbow A covering it. He couldn’t help the wetness that gathered in his eyes again. And here he had thought the emotional stuff wouldn’t be until the team arrived. He walked forward and hugged his oldest daughter. “Thank you so, so much,” he whispered, since he didn’t trust himself with anything else to come out anywhere close to evenly, “Thank you, ma petite. I am so proud to have you as my daughter. You’re the best children I could have ever asked for.”

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miraculouslycool · 4 years

Text

Rae Rewatches Miraculous Ladybug

Season 1: Stormy Weather

Now we know why Aurore lost. She had her umbrella open inside a building.

Ooh Cristina Vee was definitely using a lower tone for Marinette in the beginning

Nah don't worry Tikki, I am pretty sure Manon saw you already

"I....just... couldn't say...no."

Marinette chooses her responsibilities over mooning about Adrien a lot in this episode. Good job, especially for a first episode!

Alya the best big sister

Alya isn't wrong, though. Ella and Etta make Manon look like a well behaved kid.

Aurore, honey, close your damn umbrella-

Honestly fuck Alec, that is no way to treat a losing contestant. Whoever hired Alec in the entertainment and people relations industry, I just want to talk.

He was fine until "What's the big deal? She only crushed you by half a million votes!"

*skips Hawkmoth monologue*

She fought the Akuma!

.....why did the elevator turn dark...?

Why is Adrien the only model in Gabriel's company? And why does he have to model that one outfit? Seriously, why isn't Gabriel bankrupt yet?

Emma, Louis, and Hugo Agreste Dupain Cheng

"Wait, no forget the cat" Too bad, Marinette, you'll be adopting two of them anyway.

WHAT IS THE HAMSTER'S NAME?

Come on Adrien turn around and watch your girl do the 'Walking Dead Man!'

Alya gives no shits lmao

Mirelle could have run away twice while Stromy was monologuing

Why does Marinette's face look squished?

See, looking at all the merch for Mirelle makes me wonder if that channel did any promo for Aurore AT ALL

I love Alya just standing there and letting Manon yell at Marinette

Yeah Adrien is definitely not able to hear his two classmates talking about him within earshot

Isn't this a time when akumas are still relatively new?

Yes?

THEN WHY IS THAT CROWD CHILLING OUT THERE INSTEAD OF RUNNING?

Lol I guess they didn't want to use the words 'puppy dog eyes' in a show with a black cat as the main character

More romance? Is this dude aware Adrien is only 14?

Wait what am I saying he's Gabriel's son

Alya having an allergic reaction to the apple lol

"Is that boy your boyfriend?" Manon knows the future

I like that Marinette's immediate concern is about Manon and not whether she is pretty enough to be in a photoshoot. It's rare to see female characters being secure about their looks.

Alya what are you talking about? Marinette is the Prince Charming.

SERIOUSLY PEOPLE YOU NEED TO LEARN TO RUN FASTER

There she goes again, transforming in broad daylight

I just realised that Adrien hasn't spoken for nearly 11 minutes in this episode.

The heroes of Paris need to learn how to hide. Kids, learn how to hide.

Yo yo hits Ladybug's head for once.

Ah, here is the iconic verbal battle between Chat Noir and Stormy Weather which ended in Chat getting his behind yeeted halfway across an entire city

Hand kisses are a gesture of gallantry and chivalry in France, salters doing a lil bit of research of would easily tell them that

KIDS PLEASE RUN

THIS GIRL CALLS OUT HER ATTACKS AND EVERYONE JUST STANDS THERE

She saved him!

He always lands on top lmao

Chat....I said run away from her not run at her....

When I first watched Ladybug grab Chat's tail to catch him, I thought his tail was real it would have been hurting for him lol

They are bumbling around a lot I'm this episode, compared to them today. Which is fine, really, they're still new to the job

Seriously, where is the promo for Aurore??

Okay he petted his tail like her pulling on it actually hurt him. Now I have a valid excuse for thinking his tail was real

There are akumas and then there's Stormy Weather. Ladynoir aren't even able to touch her until the end of the episode

Flying cars from the future!!

Chat getting caught in between two cars kwkekkejrhdj

Aaaaaand there's the bus that's gonna crash them

I'm thoroughly convinced Ladybug's yoyo has a thing for Chat's head.

Her giggle is so cute

Alya is really going to make an amazing mom

Remember when Hawkmoth actually tried to direct his akumas into trying and defeating the heroes?

What happened Hawky? You used to be a decent villain.

"Maybe she's got some unresolved anger issues." "Or she didn't pass her driving test"

Ladybug has no idea how right he is about the swimsuit thing

This entire episode is proof that Ladybug and Chat's banter is fully two sided.

In this episode, they get tricked by Stormy Weather. In Reflekta THEY'RE the ones who pull the TV station feint on her! Growth? Growth.

How did destroying three spotlights cause a power outage in the entire building...?

*skips Hawkmoth monologue*

BRING BACK CHAT'S NIGHT VISION

Frosty the Snowgirl

Cursed potato. Who eats potates raw?

"I think I can manage to-" *nearly gets hit by a fire extinguisher* "-follow your lead on this one" That will never stop being hilarious to me.

HAND HOLDING THEY'RE HOLDING HANDS OMG

Their facial expressions are amazing

"We're about to be obliterated but atleast we'll be dry."

Ooooh the way he pulled her in front of him and pulled his baton out at the same time was so smooth!

I never realised that the animation of Chat destroying the billboard in Kwami Buster was actually reused footage from Stormy Weather.

Ah. I was wrong. Aurore has one billboard. That's totally equal and not biased at all.

Why did Stormy Weather's screams make me laugh?

Is Chat just floating in mid air? How-how did he get up there? How is he staying there?

*skips Hawkmoth monologue*

Marinette still out here trying to be responsible!

"You and Ladybug are best friends!" Sorry Manon looks like you've mistaken Marinette for Lila

DID YOU SEE HOW HAPPY ADRIEN WAS THAT MARINETTE WAS JOINING HIM IN THE PHOTOSHOOT??

AND HOW HIS FACE IMMEDIATELY FELL WHEN HIS PHOTOGRAPHER RUINED IT BY CHOOSING A YOUNG CHILD WITHOUT PARENTAL CONSENT TO MODEL WITH HIM??

Honestly maybe this is just me talking after watching Season 3, but this episode doesn't interest me like it used to. Not because it's a bad episode, it isn't, not at all, just that there's nothing important to take away from this. Stormy Weather is like the Bakerix of Season 1.

#miraculous ladybug #ml rewatch #ml season 1 #Rae Rewatches Miraculous Ladybug

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justloosecannons · 3 years

Text

Finding Out/ Jake ft Eden

when: yesterday where: outs and abouts mentions: n/a description: jake is confronted with the fact that two can play at his game trigger warnings: mentions of body dysmorphia ideals, and sexual acts @partialhearts

Jake:

hooking his thumbs beneath the straps of his backpack, he wiggles just enough to redistribute the weight in it as he let out a hefty sigh. the party from the night before had been wild, and he was lucky to have snuck out in the early hours to catch at least a little rest. before trying to make it over to the coffee shop before his date with addi to get some writing done. crossing the street at the light, its only then that he sees eden. in the same clothes from the party the night before. he's not entirely certain who's place it was, but his heart seems to drop and crack in the pit of his stomach. he freezes, and only steps forward when he's honked at. visibly shaken, he jogs the rest of the way across the street and tries to calm an aching chest. "stupidstupidstupid." he rasps under his breath, knowing he's being unfair by the feeling of jealousy combined with absolute heartache he feels in the confines of his bones.

Eden:

her head is throbbing, and she makes a stop to pick up coffee from the local cafe, hoping that it might somehow help the dull ache in her head. she doesn't see jake until she hears the honk of a car, and her attention is quickly drawn to his direction. she was acting just like him, she knew it, she was stumbling out of the beds of strangers just as jake used to, and she wasn't being subtle about it either. "morning!" she calls, waving over at him casually.

Jake:

hearing her voice, meant that there was absolutely no way out of this impossibly uncomfortable scenario, which only further sent his heart directly into his stomach, only stopping to crumble and break off as it haphazardly hit various inners on the spiral down. a knot forms in his throat, and he quickly clenches his jaw in an effort to not show an ounce of emotion across his features. "hey - i..." he brushes his hand through the air to acknowledge her before he glances around, realizing he would have to walk right by her to get to his chosen spot. letting out a shaky breath, he pushed forward, and avoided eye contact entirely, truly afraid of the minor details that would prove how she had been spending her time. "just.... coffee shop.... gonna.. try to write." his voice cracks, keeping his head down.

Eden:

he's being awkward, and eden is suddenly a little regretful, wishing she hadn't drawn attention to herself, or said hi. is he okay? she's too scared to ask. "oh right, yeah -- okay." he's avoiding her, right? but eden really thought they were doing good, that they were on their way to becoming friends. "i was just on my way there, too."

Jake:

"nice, yeah.... cool." he clears his throat as his eyes stay put on the sidewalk below, suddenly very aware of her proximity and instantly envisioning hands all over the frame that he had once claimed as his own. his eyes lifted for just a moment, and he caught sight of a darkened mark on her neck, and let out a defeated sigh. "cold whisk. kitchen whisk. it'll...." he nodded with his head. "used to have to before i went to work after..." nights with you.

Eden:

she's confused, not sure what it is he is talking about, but then she realises he's talking about her neck and eden claps her hand over the mark with a bright pink flush rising to her cheeks. "oh i - yeah, i'll give that a try when i get home."

Jake:

“sure thing. hope it was nice, at least.” offering the smallest smile in her direction, and an ounce of bite - he nods before he’s turning to heard towards the cafe in question. his heart aches - as if it’s already in pieces and the organ pumping his blood of a foreign object. his fingers grip tightly at the straps of his bag as he lets out a bough that feels strangled.

Eden:

was jake really telling her that he hoped her sex life was good? she clears her throat, feeling a little awkward as they stand there, not really knowing what to say to one another. she decides not to react to the comment, for it will simply do neither of them any good. "i was just gonna get a coffee to you, are you...staying here?"

Jake:

“no i... sorry.” he clears his throat and nearly stumbles as he starts he’s feet up once more. he knows it’s unfair. he knows that he no longer holds claim to anything about eden, which meant that she was essentially a free agent - but, the way it consumed him nearly completely, left him throbbing. the walk felt awkward - which wasn’t them. had never been them, but his mind kept alternating between their last kiss - and... well, her most recent activities. there’s so much he has to say, but nothing comes out. stepping up to the counter, her order tumbled from between his lips right after his own before he has a moment to stop it.

Eden:

she stiffens when he puts in her order, he's being kind, and it ruins her every time. there's something about it that makes her nervous, because will every ever get to be friends? she wishes they could - she wants to be able to take care of him, he deserves that. but does she deserve to hurt again? "i'll get these." she says quickly, adding jake's order to the list before she's handing her card over to pay.

Jake:

the second she’s holding her card out, he’s simply shaking his head and sliding a fistful of cash to the barista. “here - keep the change. thank you.” he hums, taking her card only to carefully slide it into her back pocket. dark eyes search the space before he finds a table, and drops his stuff onto it. he hates it. he hates that he can’t be close to her and not touch her - because he’s desperate, and needy - and he’s never wanted anything more than her.

Eden:

she sighs, sad that jake rejects her attempts to pay, feeling a little depleted as she pushes her card back into her pocket. "is it always going to be like this between us?"

Jake:

it feels like a loaded question as he nods towards the seat across from him. letting out a hefty sigh, his fingers throw themselves through his curls. “it’s just... a little shocking, seeing you out - in last nights clothes and a hickey. just...” he shrugs, not fully prepared to explain that it hurts him.

Eden:

it feels unfair, why does jake get to do all those things and she doesn't? why did he get the double standard? "i'm just having fun - jake - for once in my life i'm just, doing what i want to do." she sighs, "all i've done my whole life is live for everyone else."

Jake:

it falls on his chest like a heavy weight when she speaks. “i-“ he starts, but hears his name. excusing himself, he collects their drinks and deposits them back on the table before glancing up at her again. “i’m not judging you - or telling you what you’re doing is wrong. i...” he sighs, picking at the cup. “i just don’t like it. and i’m not... saying that, that’s fair either..”March 24, 2021

Eden:

"i didn't like it when you told me you loved me and 3 hours later you were fucking some other bitch." she stares at him, hard, her throat tight. does he not see? does he have no idea what he's done to her, the pain he's caused. all the self doubt, the way she hated other women, when women weren't the problem or the enemy. "i hated all of it, i tore myself up because of it. and i'm so fucking sorry, that i have to look for validation in everyone else who isn't you.”

Jake:

the words seem to seep into him in a way that he can't really explain, but he knows that it rocks him to his very core in an instant. he could feel eyes on him immediately - people that overheard her, instantly looking at him. "i didn't... i-" his brows furrowed as his stomach turned, eyes flickering across the space as he tries to put his thoughts into some sort of cohesive statement. "i'm not saying that you're wrong. you are free to do, see, or fuck - whomever you want, eden. i... you aren't my girlfriend anymore. right? you aren't.... you're not mine. and i have to live with that. i'm just saying that you might send the wrong message when you're kissing me, and then fucking someone else - but again, not really any of my business who you fuck. but, i'm super appreciative of the fact that everyone in this god damn coffee shop knows that i'm an asshole. thank you." he huffs, tossing his bag onto his shoulders once more, brushing by her.

Eden:

she stares at jake's back as he pushes by her, and she knows she's confused him by kissing him, she did wrong. but hadn't he? all the times he swore he'd be better, do better, and he didn't. tears burn in her eyes, and she can feel everyone looking at her, at jake, at them, at the mess they had created. she doesn't chase after him, she knows she can't, she doesn't want to cause more of a scene. instead she just clutches her coffee and makes off in the opposite direction, allowing the tears to burn in her eyes.

Jake:

his fingers roughly tangle in wild curls as he makes his way down winding roads. he had only wanted to write - having felt moderately inspired to do so as of late, but his mood was completely shot. note to self: a whole new percentage of the population now hates you. it wasn't that it wasn't deserved, jake was well aware that the errors and careless actions he had taken with eden, had earned him the right to be judged. but, god - did he love her. making his way back into his apartment, he tossed a wave in koda's direction to let him know he was back, before falling back on his bed and pulling the small stuffed animal to his chest as his free hand toyed with the threads from the hold in his jeans.

#jake ft eden #jp.

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unpack-my-heart · 5 years

Text

Acute-y

A Reddie High School Math Teachers AU

Written as a gift for the insanely lovely @constantreaderfool <3

@xandertheundead @tinyarmedtrex @eds-trashmouth @mrs-vh @violetreddie

Read on AO3 HERE

“I dunno, Sir. I’m supposed to be putting in my college applications in a few days, and I still can’t decide what to pick as my major”

“What are you choosing between?”

“Math and biology. I’m better at math, and I don’t enjoy biology that much, but I can’t think of a decent reason to put down as to why I want to study math. What did you put when you applied to college?”

Eddie sat back in his chair, face scrunched in thought.

“You know when you’re in the middle of a really hard proof, and you don’t know where you’re going, you have no idea where to start and the whole thing just feels like a waste of time?”

“Uh, yeah?”

“That’s like being in a kayak in the middle of the ocean. You’re there, you’ve got all the tools you need to get you to shore, you’ve got your oars and everything, but you don’t have a map. You don’t know which way to go. But, when you figure out which way you are supposed to go, that feeling when you haul yourself onto shore with aching arms, that feeling when you know you’ve done it, that’s why math is amazing”

“Aching arms?”

“It’s a metaphor, Jasper. Just – look. I’m not naturally good at math. I always had to work a bit harder than my peers, who just seemed to … get it instantly. I definitely cried over integration more often than I’d admit to anyone else but you. But I think that’s why I love it so much. My childhood wasn’t … let’s say, my childhood wasn’t very rational. I craved structure, order, precision, any other synonyms that mean the same thing. I craved rationality and math gave that to me. To be able to break everything down, to get absorbed into the minutia of the universe, it’s addictive. It’s breath-taking, and it eases my soul”

Jasper is staring at Eddie with wide eyes, mouth hanging open slightly, and Eddie internally facepalms, cursing himself for spooking the teenager sat opposite him, but then Jasper smiles.

“Thanks, Sir. That – that’s really helpful. Thank you”

“Anytime,” Eddie says, sending Jasper off with a wave and a smile.

Standing up, Eddie stretches his arms towards the ceiling, prompting his back to crunch loudly in three places. His classroom is a mess. Pieces of paper lie strewn all over the floor, rogue pencils and forgotten textbooks littering the desks. Eddie’s school is small, and tragically underfunded, and despite only being a permanent member of staff for a year, Eddie already feels fiercely protective over it. The school is a downtown public school, and his kids mostly come from the impoverished neighbourhoods on the outskirts of the city. Almost all of them have long, boring commutes into school, and almost always slouch into his morning classes tired and starving from never having eaten breakfast, so Eddie has become the teacher that arrives to his classes with pep in his step and a box of granola bars lodged firmly under his arm.

Eddie got the job at Southview High School six days after he’d graduated from his teaching qualification. He’d applied to thirty schools, mostly disadvantaged public schools, and three private schools at the insistence of his mother. He’d been offered interviews for all of them, but he’d only attended one. As soon as he’d walked into the interview room, and shook hands with the head of department, a fiery woman called Dr. Marsh, he knew he was home. Dr. Marsh was firm, and the interview had lasted nearly two hours, and by the time she’d put him through his paces, Eddie felt like his brain was on fire.

He was sure that he’d failed the interview, but after thirty seconds of silence, Dr. Marsh stood up, stuck out her hand, and said, “Can you be here tomorrow at half seven? You’ll be taking the AP students, I’m taking their classes at the moment but I can’t commit as much time to them as they need. God knows they need someone like you”

Eddie had jumped up and down on the spot, before composing himself and accepting the position.

“Oh, and Eddie?”

“Yes?”

“Call me Bev”

The first few weeks had been pretty rough. The kids, predictably, had put Eddie through the ringer, testing boundaries and acting out as teenagers are wont to do. It took a while, but eventually Eddie, to use Bev’s phrase, ‘grew some bollocks’, and started commanding more respect in the classroom. He achieved this, not through sending kids out of the classroom or handing out detentions like candy, but by just through the simple act of listening. The kids, Eddie was quick to realise, just wanted someone to validate, not dismiss, their teenage angst, and Eddie was more than happy to be their crutch.

Fast forward a year, and Eddie’s classroom has become more of a home to him than his actual home. It’s pretty large, and Eddie begged Bev to let him implement flexible seating, so his kids are sat on large tables that look more like picnic benches than desks, in order to encourage collaborative work. One thing that Eddie has come to realise, however, is that his class is full of genuinely talented mathematicians. When he hands back test results, it’s always the same ten students getting in the high nineties, which, gives him an idea.

He attaches a note to the most recent test paper of these ten students,

Can you stay behind after class? I need to ask you something!

[you’re not in trouble please don’t panic]

Needless to say, the kids panic.

“Sir? Am I in trouble? I swear I’ve handed in all the homework this term!”

“Mr Kaspbrak I’m really sorry, I didn’t realise I’d accidentally stolen the protector until I got home, I brought it back, though, honest!”

“Sir, what’s this about?”

“Guys! No, you’re not in trouble, but thanks for bringing the protractor back, Kim. No, I have a proposition for you. Have you ever heard of mathletics?”

The kids all shake their heads.

“Well, lemme explain …”

– X –

It takes several weeks for Eddie to recruit all of the students he cherrypicked as his dream mathletes team, but he manages it, with the promise of extra credit and no homework on heat weeks. Whilst he was a mathlete himself during his college years, Eddie hasn’t ever actually coached a team before, so he spends hours every evening reading every internet article and borrowing every book from the library he can possibly find on how to coach a mathletics team. Eventually, when he thinks his students are ready, and he manages to get them all to agree, Eddie registers them for a practice heat against a local school in their city.

Eddie and his motley crew of baby mathletes meet every Thursday and Friday after school to practice, and before they knew it, the morning of the heat was upon them. The heat was being held in the auditorium of the opposing school, so Eddie had to borrow the rusty old school bus to schlep his kids across the city. Bev, who had given Eddie an ecstatic “YES!” when he had asked for her permission to take the kids to a mathletics heat in school time, had announced the night before that she wanted to go with him. He had said yes, sort of hoping that she’d offer to drive the death-trap bus, but she’d climbed into the front passenger seat. Eddie prayed to the driving gods that they’d keep the roads clear and keep the wheels attached to the bus before he climbed in, and they set off to Faraday Technical School.

Thankfully, the journey goes smoothly. The kids chatter quietly in the back, and Bev manages to distract Eddie’s nervous stomach by discussing budget plans, and whether he thought that Iron Man would be better than her at differentiation. Eddie answered honestly that he didn’t think he would be. Soon enough, they pull into the gates of Faraday Technical School, and Bev hops out of the bus to speak to the guard on the gate. Eddie gulps. Their school doesn’t have a guard. Their school doesn’t even have gates. They just have an old caretaker called Jim who loves the kids and polishes the floor with his radio on full blast. The guard nods at Bev, and then nods over at Eddie, and then the gates swing open as if by magic, and Eddie drives through. The school looms ahead of them, and Eddie’s students all go silent. By the time Eddie has parked up, Bev has walked over to them, and she hauls the door of the bus open.

The kids don’t move.

“Dr. Marsh, I don’t think I can do this”

“Yeah I’ve … I’ve got a headache”

“Sir, we’re going to lose”

Bev claps her hands, “Hey! You can do anything these kids can do. Yeah, they go to a fancy school, but you’ve got Mr K and me on your side. You’ve worked so hard for this, don’t let the fact that this school has a pool spook you”

“They have a POOL?!”

“Why don’t we have a pool!”

“Because I want to be able to afford the latest textbooks for you, that’s why” Bev says, grinning.

After several minutes of animated encouragement from both Bev and Eddie, the kids finally filter out of the bus. They stand around looking ever the lost lambs, and Eddie’s heart bleeds for them. He knows exactly what it feels like. Imposter syndrome, feeling like you’re a fraud, like you don’t belong. Like you don’t deserve success.

Eddie and Bev herd the kids into the school, and they find the auditorium. The opponents are already on the stage, closely huddled together, with an older looking teacher with a shock of white hair and a pinched face standing in the centre of the huddle. The teacher was waving his hands wildly and speaking so loudly that Eddie could hear him at the other end of the hall.

“WHO ARE WE?”

“FARADAY TECHNICAL SCHOOL!”

“WHAT DO WE DO?”

“WIN!”

“WHEN DO WE WIN?”

“ALWAYS!”

“That’s a rubbish chant” Bev stage whispers, and their kids laugh nervously.

Eddie takes a deep breath in, squared his shoulder, sets his jaw, and strides purposefully over. He taps the teacher on the shoulder and clears his throat.

“Um, excuse me?”

“Ah, you must be Mr Kaspbrak, we spoke on the phone”

Eddie takes and shakes the extended hand.

“Yes! That’s me. You must be Mr Tozier?”

“Oh, no, no. I’m Mr Powell, the principal of Faraday Technical. Mr Tozier is sorting out the IT, you should liaise with him”

“Oh, okay. Where can I find him?”

A hand lands on Eddie’s shoulder and squeezes, and Eddie turns around. Stood behind him, and smiling at Eddie with a wolfish grin, is a man who can’t be any older than Eddie, perhaps a year at most. He’s wearing a very loud pink Hawaiian shirt, grey dickies and scuffed suede Chelsea boots, with round red glasses balanced on his nose. By all rights, he should look ridiculous. But he doesn’t. Not even close.

“Howzzit, fellow teach?” Mr Tozier says, voice crackly like autumn leaves.

“Uh…” Eddie replies, dumbly.

“I stalked your Linkedin, you know. MIT grad? Top of your class?” Mr Tozier whistles, impressed. “How’d you end up teaching sprogs if you’re some kind of hypergenius?”

“My Linkedin?”

“Yup! Wanted to check you out before you got here, see what I’d be up against. Gotta be honest, Eddie Spaghetti, you got me shaking in my boots”

Ridiculously, he starts shaking his legs, a pretence at fear that makes Eddie snort, despite his attempts not to encourage Mr Tozier’s ridiculousness.

“Eddie Spaghetti? Seriously?”

“Too informal? Would you prefer Mr Spaghetti?”

“I’d prefer Mr Kaspbrak, thank you,” Eddie says, somewhat prissily, but Mr Tozier doesn’t seem to mind, a lopsided grin still plastered on his face.

“So, Mr Tozier, how does this work?”

“Mathletics virgin, are we?” Mr Tozier says, and Eddie rolls his eyes.

“Not entirely. I was a mathlete myself when I was at MIT but I’ve never coached a team through a competition before”

“Aw, no shit? I was a mathlete at CalTech. What year were you on the circuit?”

“2006, you?”

“…2006. I fuckin’ KNEW you looked familiar!” Mr Tozier practically shouts, pointing a finger in Eddie’s face accusatorily.

“Do you think we competed against each other?”

Mr Tozier shrugs his shoulders, “’Prolly, your face … well, it looked familiar as soon as I stalked your LinkedIn. I’m like an elephant, I never forget cute faces”

Eddie splutters a bit, before raising an eyebrow challengingly, “well, if we did compete against each other, I wiped the floor with you. I never lost a heat. Eddie the dominator, they called me”

“Dominator, eh? We’ll see about that,” Mr Tozier says with a wink, before striding off towards his team.

“Wait!”

Richie turns around, “what’s up, Mr Spaghetti?”

“Enough with the spaghetti! I don’t think it’s fair that you know my first name and I don’t know yours”

“Richie, Richard if you’re angry with me”

“Got it, see you later, Richard”

Richie laughs, high, bright and scratchy.

“May the best team win, Mr Spaghetti”

Eddie rolls his eyes dramatically, but he can no longer suppress the smile that’s been tugging at his lips.

– X –

Eddie’s team wins the heat. As soon as the winners are announced, he bursts into tears. Happy tears, of course. His kids laugh at him mercilessly, calling him soppy and ridiculous, but they all have megawatt beams plastered on their faces. They only win by three points, 103 to 106, but the other team were smart, and there were various points in the heat that Eddie was trying to work out how to console his team when they inevitably lost. Bev picks Eddie up by the waist, and squeezes him so hard he makes this involuntary squeaky ‘oof’ noise, causing the kids to laugh at him even more.

When they’re piling the students back into the bus, with the promise of candy at the next mathletics meeting, one of the kids from Faraday Technical School runs up to Eddie clutching a folded piece of paper.

“Mr Tozier asked me to give this to you,” the kid says, out of breath and puffing.

Eddie tilts his head, “Uh, thank-you?”

The kid thrusts the piece of paper into Eddie’s hand, before running off again. Eddie opens the paper,

I’ve decided I don’t really like math. The only number I care about now is yours

Eddie looks up from the paper, face burning, and immediately locks eyes with Richie, who was standing in the window of the auditorium. Eddie waves at him, a weird jerky little motion. Richie grins, and winks at him. Eddie laughs, before shaking his head and climbing back into the bus.

Later, when Eddie’s at home grading problem sheets, he absent-mindedly checks his email, and sees that he has a notification from Linkedin.

Richard Tozier would like to add you as a connection!

Eddie accepts without much thought, and goes back to grading. Several minutes later, though, his computer pings again, this time with a message

Richard Tozier has sent you a message!

Richard: Fancy seeing you here

Edward: This … is an online message? You can’t see me?

Richard: You pedant

Edward: :-)

Richard: oh my god even your emojis are cute

Edward: :-(

Richard: Why are you sad!

Edward: did you want something or are you just trying to distract me from marking?

Richard: Both?

Edward: Not acceptable. I have to mark 34 more problem sheets and then plan a lesson tomorrow on trig identities

Richard: :-(

Edward: Now you’re just mocking me

Richard: I meant what I said, you know

Edward: … About?

Richard: Not liking math anymore

Edward: Get some better pick-up lines

Richard: You were charmed by it, don’t lie to me. I saw your face when you read that note.

Edward: No comment

Richard: :-)

It took more strength than Eddie would ever admit under oath to pull himself away from his computer, but he managed. Shutting his laptop lid with a click, he managed to lose himself in the problem sheets for several hours, before his eyes start getting heavy and he calls it a night. Before he goes to sleep, he impulsively checks his LinkedIn messages,

Richard: Are you the square root of 2? Because I feel irrational when I’m around you

Edward: You’re a nerd

Richard: ;-)

– X –

After their triumphant win at the practice mathletics heat, Eddie starts entering his kids for more and more practice heats, and even organises a few himself that they hold at their school. The confidence of his students blooms like blossom trees, and Eddie couldn’t be more proud if one of them had won the Fields medal. He’s still messaging Richie on LinkedIn. Like clockwork, Richie sends him a pick-up line at night, and Eddie always responds by calling him a nerd. It’s their thing now, and Eddie is punched in the stomach by the realisation that, if Richie stopped messaging him, he’d be devastated.

The thing that was frustrating Eddie the most, however, was the fact that their conversations had not moved off of LinkedIn. They hadn’t even added each other on Facebook, or followed each other on twitter, even though Eddie had managed to find Richie’s accounts on both sites. His mouse had hovered over the ‘add as friend’ and ‘follow’ buttons more times than he’d care to admit, but he could never quite bring himself to click. Eventually, the frustration builds up to a crescendo, and so, with his heart hammering in his chest, Eddie sends Richie a message.

Edward: Hey Rich, was wondering if you’d want a mathletics re-match? I wanna show off how good my kids have got

Edward: No pressure, of course

Richard: Name a time and a place, Mr Spaghetti

Eddie decides to throw the heat at his school, and he spends several days co-ordinating with Bev about where they should hold the heat, and then sweet talking the music teacher into agreeing to do the PA. Try as he might, Eddie can’t ignore the nerves gnawing at his stomach. he doesn’t really understand why he’s nervous because it’s not like Richie returns this pathetic school-yard crush Eddie has been harbouring since the first practice heat. Eddie rationalises it by assuming that Richie is just a naturally flirtatious person. It doesn’t work, though, and the nerves transform into butterflies.

The morning of the heat arrives. Eddie’s classroom overlooks the small parking lot, and he catches himself periodically staring out of the room, waiting for Richie’s bus to arrive. When the Faraday Technical School bus does arrive, Eddie is in the middle of explaining a particularly tricky vector problem. Eddie stares at Richie who is holding the bus door open, saluting each kid that hops out. By chance, Richie looks up, and sees Eddie staring at him from his classroom, and Richie winks at him again, causing Eddie to splutter. The student who is currently working out a problem on the board sends him an odd look.

“… so once you’ve found the dot product, you can find the angle between the two vectors,” Eddie continues, trying to regain composure.

“Uhhh Sir, the angle is acute”

“Yes, I know. You just worked that out on the board for us”

“Your answer is 116 degrees”

“…Shit”

“Sir! You swore!”

“Oh, Faraday are here, is that why you’re nervous?”

“… Yes. That is exactly why. The competition. Yes. Of course!”

The bell rings soon after, and Eddie scrambles down the hall to the cafeteria, that they’ve repurposed as a makeshift auditorium. His kids are already there, bickering between themselves about who will go first for the mental arithmetic round.

“Siiiiiiir! Jenny lost my calculator! I don’t have another one for the calculator round!”

“for fucks sake – Okay Kim! That’s fine. I’ll go and fetch you one,” Eddie says, and he sprints to the math supply cupboard at the other end of the school to get a spare one.

He darts into the cupboard, grabs a calculator, opens the door again and promptly screams because directly outside the door, leaning on the opposite wall, is Richie. Richie laughs at him, a proper belly-laugh, and clutches his stomach as he doubles over. Eddie huffs at him, and starts walking back towards the school hall, comically slow, allowing Richie to catch up with him

“Hey, Mr Spaghetti,” Richie says, breezily, walking sideways like a crab so he’s facing Eddie.

“Hello, you pest”

“You ready to get your ass handed to you?”

“I wouldn’t be so cocky, dude. My kids have been working super hard since the last meet, plus … we thrashed you last time so … it’s you that’s gotta be scared,” Eddie counters, poking his tongue out at Richie, childishly.

“You won by three points”

“We still won”

Richie leaps in front of Eddie, blocking his way, before standing up on his tip-toes and clasping his hands together, “care to make this interesting?”

“What d’ya mean?”

“Are you a betting man, Mr Spaghetti?”

“Is it ethical to bet on our students?”

“Ethical Schmethical. We won’t be exchanging money if that’s what you’re worried about,” Richie says, waggling his eyebrows suggestively.

He’s wearing different glasses frames this time. They’re blue, and they match his eyes.

Eddie shakes his head, distracted.

“… Go on”

“If my kids win, you gotta let me take you out”

“Hmm…,” Eddie muses, in mock consideration, “what if my kids win?”

“You gotta take ME out!” Richie says, eyes sparkling.

“But… that works out the same”

“Oh, so it does! What a clever little spaghetti you are”

“You gotta quit it with the spaghetti stuff!” Eddie scolds, but Richie just laughs at him.

“You gonna put me in detention?”

Eddie rolls his eyes, “obviously not”

“What a shame. So, Eds, do you agree to our little wager?”

They’re nearly back at the hall now, and Eddie can hear Bev’s voice filtering through the PA system, instructing everyone to take their seats.

Eddie holds his hand out for Richie to shake, “deal”.

Richie takes his hand, but instead of shaking it, he presses a sloppy kiss to the back of Eddie’s hand.

“You must be an asymptote, because I just find myself getting closer and closer to you,” Richie whispers into Eddie’s ear, and before Eddie can call him a nerd, he’s gone.

– X –

Eddie’s kids lose the heat. They lose quite badly, actually, as Richie’s kids function like a well-oiled machine, and Eddie’s kids freeze when a particularly tricky integration stumps them. Eddie feels awful, especially because this was the first time they’d lost by a significant margin. His kids surprise him though, and they all shake the winners hands, looking upset but not angry. Eddie’s heart threatens to leap out of his chest, each beat a cacophony of proud, proud, proud.

Eddie also shakes the hands of all the kids, congratulating them on their speedy mental arithmetic and their teamwork. Bev yells something to him about the PA system not turning off properly, and Eddie turns his head to tell her that he’ll be there in a minute, but then another hand is in his. It’s larger and rougher than the others, and Eddie turns his head and, of course, it’s Richie.

“Well done, Mr Kaspbrak. You guys put up a good fight,” Richie says, no longer shaking Eddie’s hand, just holding it.

“Thanks, Mr Tozier. Your kids are quite impressive”

“Heh. They’re good eggs, all right. I’m proud of ‘em”

One of Richie’s kids screeched loudly for Mr To-zi-eeeeerrrhhh!!, and Richie’s head snapped backwards, before he turned back to look at Eddie, rolling his eyes, “they may be smart, but my God they’re demanding little sprogs”

Richie gives Eddie’s hand one last squeeze, before striding off towards the back of the hall, collecting his kids, and disappearing through the door.

Eddie looks down at his hand, and sees a tiny piece of paper folded up nestled in the center of his palm. It had a phone number scrawled on it in teeny tiny chicken-scratch scrawl, along with the words your new favourite number.

Eddie saves the number in his phone under ‘you nerd’, with a rolling-eyes emoji next to it.

– X –

To: You Nerd:

Very sneaky.

From: You Nerd:

Whatever do you mean?

To: You Nerd:

You know exactly what I mean.

Richie doesn’t respond immediately, and Eddie’s hands begin to itch.

To: You Nerd:

So where are you taking me?

From: You Nerd:

Ah-hah! A certain Mr Spaghetti hasn’t forgotten our wager

To: You Nerd:

Of course I haven’t

From: You Nerd:

Well, I’ve got a very exciting evening planned, but it’s a surprise so I can’t tell you. Are you free on Friday? Say, 6pm?

To: You Nerd:

Yeah, I can do Friday. Can you at least tell me what the dress code is, though?

From: You Nerd:

It doesn’t matter what you wear, you won’t be wearing it for long

To: You Nerd:

I’m not gonna put out you know

From: You Nerd:

I never insinuated such a thing

To: You Nerd:

… but you said I wouldn’t be wearing my clothes for long?

From: You Nerd:

just wait and see, Eds, just wait and see

Eddie doesn’t text back after that, getting lost in marking test papers. When he’s lying on his couch later that evening, knocking back a large glass of red wine, a thought suddenly pops into his booze-hazy brain … that fact that he just might have a picture of college-age Richie Tozier lurking in his scrapbook from his mathlete’s days. Eddie balances a chair in front of his wardrobe, and manages to pull the scrapbook off of the top using the pad of his index finger, sending it clattering to the floor. He flips through his college scrapbook, looking for the pictures of the mathletics heats he’d competed in, and he finds the one he’s looking for almost instantly. He’s standing there, holding the trophy, a stupidly big grin on his face (and those damn braces!) but in the corner, Eddie spots him. Richie. Richie’s standing in the corner of the shot, staring at Eddie with what look like, if Eddie didn’t know better, a sort of lovestruck expression on his face. Eddie grabs his phone and takes a picture of the photo, and sends it to Richie with the caption, you’re such a nerd.

Richie texts back almost instantly.

From: You Nerd:

I can’t wait to take you out Eds

Eddie’s sort of stunned by Richie’s reply. He’d expected Richie to make a joke about his braces, or the ridiculous sweater he was wearing, or even some corny pick up line. Not … this. After twenty minutes of fighting with himself, Eddie eventually sends, I’m excited, too.

– X –

The rest of the week flies by in a blur of standardised testing, broken protractors and departmental meetings. By the time Friday rolled around, Eddie was exhausted. He’d woken up and spilt his coffee all over his crisp, white suit trousers, and then his car wouldn’t start so he’d popped the hood, and oil had spurted all over his sweater. One quick change later, and he’d finally made it to school. Only then, much to his chagrin, and after bumping into several tiny Dracula’s in the hallway, he remembered. It was Halloween. The worst teaching day of the year. By the end of the school day, the oppressive smell of fake blood had turned Eddie’s stomach, and if he never had to look at someone wearing Frankenstein’s monster bolts in their neck again, it’d be too soon.

Richie had text him earlier in the day with a house address, and when Eddie had sent back pensive looking emojis Richie had reassured him that, whilst that was his home address, he did actually have plans to take Eddie out, and it certainly wasn’t a Netflix and chill kind of situation.

Eddie drives to Richie’s house, parks up outside. Eddie is surprised to find that Richie lives in a very nice suburban neighbourhood, like something from a storybook. White picket fences, jack-o-lanterns, ghosts hanging from trees, the whole deal. Just when Eddie had worked up the courage to get out of the car and knock on Richie’s door, it swung open and Richie marched out. He was dressed as a ghost, draped in a huge sheet, which had two comically small, wonky eyeholes cut out of it.

“We’re going trick or treating!” Richie yells, and whilst his face is obscured by the sheet, and the eye holes are far too small for Eddie to see his face, he can just tell that Richie is looking very pleased with himself.

“Aren’t we a bit old for trick or treating?” Eddie asks, sceptical. He walks up to Richie, who bounds back inside his house. Eddie follows him.

“This isn’t all my house, it’s two apartments. I live on the first floor,” Richie explains as he walks up the stairs, beckoning Eddie to follow him.

“I thought you said we were going out?”

“We are! I just need to check on the child”

“… The child? You have a kid?”

“Me? Naw. She’s not mine. I borrowed her”

“… You borrowed a child?”

“Yup”

“… is that legal?”

“I mean, I’m pretty sure an uncle can take his niece trick or treating without informing the authorities, you silly spaghetti,” Richie laughs, pushing the door open.

Richie’s apartment is small, but cosy. It’s fairly messy, books scattered on every available surface, posters littering the walls, five mugs of half-forgotten coffee on the coffee table. Eddie is surprised by how similar Richie’s apartment looked to his own house.

Whilst Eddie is browsing Richie’s expansive book collection, a small child bursts through into the living space. She can’t be more than six or seven years old, but Eddie still screams.

“Jesus Christ!”

“Uncle Rich! That man said a bad word!”

“Oh hush, you demon. Your father says worse when he sings you lullabies at night. But… Jessica you look … really quite horrifying”

“Thanks!” Jessica beams. She’s dressed in a grubby clown costume, complete with Jacobean ruff and breeches. Her face is painted white, with red lines that look like deep welts running from her eyes down to her mouth, and her hair is obscured with a violently orange wig. In short, she looked uncannily like the sort of clown that appears to Eddie in his sleep paralysis nightmares.

“Did – did you choose her costume?” Eddie asks, looking at Richie with wide, terrified eyes.

“No… she chose it herself, I would have dressed her up as a bee or something not,” Richie gestures helplessly to his niece, who is making scary faces at herself in the reflection of the coffee table, “this”

The oven dings, and Richie pulls out a plate of roasted vegetables and sausages that look suspiciously like the morning star ones Eddie eats on a Saturday morning.

“Is she veggie?”

“Naw, but I am. I refuse to cook her dead carcasses as much as the little carnivore might beg me,” Richie says, ruffling Jessica’s hair, who is sat on the kitchen counter, shovelling food into her face at lightning speeds. “I told her she couldn’t have any candy unless she ate some real food first. Plus, while she’s distracted, I can show you your costume!”

“My … my costume?” Eddie asks faintly.

Richie nods vigorously, and skips into his bedroom, before emerging clutching a small package wrapped in paper decorated with pumpkins and cats wearing witches hats.

“It’s not my birthday, Rich”

“Yeah, but I don’t know when your birthday is, so I wanted to have all bases covered in case it happened to be today”

“… you’re cute,” Eddie says, before ripping the paper off the package, and revealing a Jack Skellington costume.

“Are you serious?!”

“As a heart attack,” Richie says, solemnly.

“Why aren’t you dressed as Sally then?!”

“I don’t have the legs for it”

Eddie scoffs, “uh, yeah you fuckin’ do,” before he can catch himself. He slaps a hand across his mouth when he realises what he just implied.

“Been checkin’ out my pins have we, Mr Kaspbrak?” Richie lisps, stretching out his leg in a hilarious display of faux-coquettishness.

Eddie throws the wrapping paper at his head.

Eddie disappears into the bathroom, and tries the costume on. Staring at himself in the mirror, adjusting his bowtie, he has to admit to himself, he makes for a good pumpkin king. He sweeps his hair off his face, and secures it under the bald cap, and emerges from the bathroom with a flourish.

Riche clutches at his heart, “Oh sugar, ain’t you the sexiest skeleton I ever did see”

“I don’t really look like a skeleton yet. Did you get facepaints?”

“sure did, c’mere, lemme …” Richie sweeps Eddie under his arm, and guides him to the couch.

Richie crouches between Eddie’s open legs, and starts covering his face in white paint. Eddie holds his breath. Their faces are close enough that Eddie can feel the rhythmic puffs of breath coming out of Richie’s mouth, and he can see the flecks of green in Richie’s aquamarine eyes. Richie smells like smoky sandalwood and a little bit like mint. Toothpaste. Eddie tries to breathe it in without Richie noticing.

All too soon, Richie sits back on his heels, eyes scanning Eddie’s face, admiring his handiwork, “There!”

Eddie stands up, and walks over to the mirror hanging over the mantlepiece of the filled-in fireplace. He looks .. incredible. His entire face is sheet-white, with black rings around his eyes and lips.

“Holy shit, Rich…”

“He said another bad word!” Jessica yelled from her place on the counter, where she was now pushing a lonely piece of broccoli around on her otherwise empty plate.

Richie looks at the plate, and shrugs his shoulders, “good enough!”

After several minutes of highly concentrated pestering from Jessica, all three of them are out of the door into the quickly darkening night. They hop from house to house, Jessica scaring more than her fair share of other kids and even other adults. Eddie surprises himself by how much he enjoys wandering around the streets, admiring all of the costumes and sharing swigs of a bottle of hard cider Richie has hidden under his sheet.

Richie soon realises that the holes he cut in his sheet were far too small to walk normally, so he latches onto Eddie’s hand, threading his fingers through Eddie’s.

“You gotta be my eyes, spooky spaghetti. I can’t see a fuckin’ thing. Keep an eye on the clown, would ya”

Eddie squeezes Richie’s hand in reply, not trusting himself to speak.

Half way through the night, though, Richie takes off his sheet.

“The damn thing is too hot and I probably shouldn’t leave you in sole charge of the clown,” he reasons, shoving the crumpled up sheet into his bag.

“Put the damn thing back on!”

“Nope! You’re in costume enough for us both,” Richie laughs but he takes Eddie’s hand again.

After a few steps, Richie starts singing.

“And does he notice, my feelings for him? And will he see? How much he means to me”

“That’s a sad song, Rich,” Eddie whispers in response, watching Jessica roar at, and terrify, yet another small child. The kids mother glares at them, and Richie just shrugs at her, whatcha gonna do?

“Maybe. The movie does have a happy ending though,” Richie says, and Eddie just nods.

They drop Jessica back at Richie’s brothers house just before nine, and she’s so hyped up on candy and sugar that Eddie is sure that she’ll never sleep again. Richie’s brother looks almost exactly like him, and Eddie is about to ask if they’re twins, but Richie interrupts him.

“The night is young, spooky spaghetti! Follow me for the next step of the surprise”

Eddie is sceptical, mainly because the last surprise resulted in him being dressed as Jack Skellington and paraded around the neighbourhood by a plain-clothed Richie, but he figures it can’t get any worse, so he follows.

– X –

“I’ll have the mushroom bourguignon please, waiter!” Richie announces, shit-eating grin plastered on his face.

Eddie, mortified and wishing he could fall straight through the floor and be devoured by the jaws of Satan himself just mumbles, “I’ll have the same.”

As soon as Richie had stopped outside the door of the fancy French restaurant, Eddie had wanted to cry. Richie hadn’t let him go home to change, assuring him that his costume would be perfectly fine attire for wherever they were going.

Richie was a liar.

Eddie had gone into the bathroom of the restaurant and fiercely scrubbed the make-up off his face, but it hadn’t quite worked, and his face now just looked sort of grey, where all the white and black face paint had blended into each other. He comes out of the bathroom, and stalks over to the table where Richie is sat, looking entirely normal in skinny black jeans and a deep purple button-up.

“I look like a dollar store Beetlejuice,” Eddie groans as he sits back down, trying to hide as much of the costume under the table as he can.

“You look ravishing, my darling,” Richie says, fluttering his eyelashes. Eddie is sure that it was supposed to be a joke, but the way Richie said it, all deep and sincere and … it certainly didn’t sound like a joke.

“Why the fuck did you buy me this costume?

“Well, I wanted you to be a pi pie, y’know, write the all of the digits of pi around the crust, but I thought you’d take it off”

“How many digits of pi do you even know?”

“Like 300”

Eddie raises his eyebrow, and Richie rolls his eyes.

“Fine, I know … 4”

“… You went to CalTech, and you’re a high school math teacher, and you only know four digits of pi!”

“There’s a pi button on the calculator, I don’t need to know it!”

“You’re a fucking nightmare,” Eddie says through his laughter, and Richie grins at him.

The food arrives promptly and it’s good, the best food Eddie had eaten in a long time, and he wolfs it down embarrassingly quickly. As is expected when two teachers spend more than four minutes together, the conversation turns to why they decided to become math teachers.

“I went to MIT on a scholarship, and I graduated top of my class as you know, and when I graduated I was pressured into taking a doctoral programme in fluid mechanics, but I lasted only two months before I dropped out because I hated the bureaucracy of it all, y’know, and I wanted to make a difference in kid’s lives, as cheesy as that sounds,” Eddie says between slurps of his soup.

Richie nods, “Yeah, my reason is pretty similar. I had ADHD, or, I guess I still do, but I take meds now so it’s easier to cope with, but yeah, all my teachers fucking hated me and didn’t have any patience with me. They didn’t bother spending more than two seconds trying to work out the best way to teach me, so I was sort of on my own all through my education, and I couldn’t bear the thought of that happening to anyone else, so I put myself through the torturous teaching degree and here I am!”

Eddie looks at Richie, really looks at him for the first time. Richie’s sat opposite him, shovelling mushrooms into his mouth and there’s sauce on his chin and he’s got red paint on his arm and he looks beautiful.

– x –

They both get far drunker than they meant to. They’re not catatonic, and they can still walk in a straight line, but Eddie knows there’s no way in hell that he’ll be able to drive home safely. He tries to get a cab from the restaurant, but Richie insists that Eddie stays with him. Eddie uhms and ahhs about it, stranger danger stranger danger! echoing in his drunk brain, but he throws caution to the wind and agrees to stay. He does, however, insist that he’s sleeping on the couch before Richie can even mention alternative sleeping arrangements.

Richie tries anyway, “we can top and tail, or you can have my bed, honest, I’ll sleep on the floor I don’t mind,” but Eddie’s having none of it. They hail a cab, and both clamber into the back seat. They sit in comfortable silence for the duration of the journey, but at one point Richie’s hand finds its way to Eddie’s knee, sending Eddie’s heart into overdrive.

When they get back to Richie’s, Richie rushes into his bedroom to grab Eddie some stuff to sleep in, sweatpants and a t-shirt with Da Vinci’s Vitruvian man on it. After calling Richie a nerd, and then asking if he could have a shower, and then having to ask Richie to show him how the shower works, Eddie stands under the boiling torrent of water and sighs, but before too long he can hear this odd scraping noise, accompanied by the occasional BANG. He puts it down to him being drunk, and finishes up in the shower. He towel dries his hair, running his fingers through it a few times to get rid of any knots, and puts on the clothes Richie leant to him which are, predictably, far too big. When he emerges from the bathroom, he’s greeted with the sight of a vaguely sweaty looking Richie leaning on the couch, which is now on its side, lodged in the doorway of Richie’s bedroom.

“It’s stuck”

“I can see that”

“Gimme a hand, Eds?”

Eddie leans on the sofa and gives it an almighty shove, and after a fair bit of effort from both of them, the sofa slides through the door and into Richie’s bedroom.

“Care to tell me why the couch is now in your bedroom and no longer in the living room?”

“Halloween magic!”

“… I literally helped you shove it in here two seconds ago”

“Like I said, Halloween magic!” Richie says, already flitting around his room, picking up rogue shoes and pairs of jeans and throwing them into the already overflowing laundry basket.

Richie ends up shoving his bed right over into the corner of the room so he can position the couch next to it, so when Eddie lies on it he’ll be facing Richie. Eddie finds all of this unbearably cute, but he’s exhausted so he falls onto the couch and makes grabby hands for the blanket Richie’s holding. Richie drapes it over Eddie with this dopy expression on his face that Eddie would have ribbed him for if he hadn’t been so sleepy.

“Thanks for taking me out, Rich. I had a really great day”

“It was my pleasure, Mr Spaghetti”

“Rich?”

“Hmm?”

“You were a cute ghost”

“Aw shucks, sugar, you’re making me blush”

Eddie smacks his lips sleepily, before stretching out his legs, “ghosts can’t blush, they don’t have any blood”

Richie laughs, and says “so fuckin’ cute” under his breath, and Eddie guesses he didn’t mean for him to hear, but he does hear, and it makes his heart skip in his chest.

Several minutes pass, and Eddie guesses Richie has fallen asleep, and he’s on the very brink of sleep himself when Richie breaks the silence.

“Eds? You asleep?”

“Yes”

“Sorry, sorry, go back to sleep”

“You gotta tell me what you wanted now, that’s the rule”

“The rule?”

“The rule that goes, ‘when you wake someone up to tell them something, you can’t then not tell them’. It’s a sacred, ancient rule,” Eddie replies, knowing he’s not making much sense, but finding it hard to care.

“Ah okay,” Richie says, solemnly, “I won’t break your ancient rule. I just wanted to ask if you were free next weekend?”

“Nope,” Eddie responds, immediately.

Silence.

“…Oh”

“Are you free next weekend?”

“What?”

“It’s my turn to ask you out. So, are you free next weekend?”

“… What just happened?”

“Just go with it! Are you free?”

“…Yes?”

“Good! I’m taking you out”

“You’re a strange little spaghetti, aren’t you”

“I’m tired leave me alone,” Eddie yawns.

Richie leans out of his bed, and presses a chaste kiss to Eddie’s forehead.

“Sleep well, Eds”

– X –

Eddie wakes up the next morning with a pounding head and a dry mouth. He panics initially, not recognising the room but he soon remembers that he’s lying on a couch in Richie Tozier’s bedroom and then he’s … still panicking a bit. Richie isn’t in his bed, and Eddie can hear singing coming from the kitchen, so he pads out into the kitchen, Richie’s too-long sweatpant legs covering his feet.

“Well aren’t you a sight for sore eyes in the morning, Mr Spaghetti,” Richie sing-songs, scraping something burnt and bad-smelling into the bin.

“Hullo, Rich. What’s cooking?”

“It was an omelette but now … sad, burnt eggs,” Richie says, staring sadly at the black mess coating the bottom of the pan.

“Cereal?” Eddie suggests, and Richie beams at him.

“Cereal!”

Richie pours them bowls of cereal, and they sit in comfortable silence.

“Thanks for letting me stay last night,” Eddie says, droplets of milk spilling out of his mouth.

“Oh, no problem. You might have to help me move the couch back out here though”

Eddie snorts into his bowl, “you’re such an idiot, Rich”

“It’s endearing though, right?” Richie asks, sending a pantomime wink over to Eddie

“Eh, you say endearing, I say ridiculous”

“Tomayto, tomahto”

They finish up their cereal and Eddie helps Richie haul the couch back into the living room. Eventually, Eddie remembers that he has to go home to grade papers and make arrangements for the next practice mathletics heat, so he gets changed back into his own clothes, and leaves the clothes he borrowed from Richie in a neat pile on the bathroom counter.

They both stand awkwardly at the front door, Eddie’s hand on the door-knob, neither moving, neither saying anything. Eddie breaks the awkwardness with a hug, and they stand there for a while, Eddie’s hands wrapped around Richie’s neck, before Eddie reaches up on his tippytoes and presses a kiss to Richie’s cheek. It makes him feel like an idiot schoolgirl, but the way Richie’s face flushes scarlet makes him feel a bit better.

– X –

Eddie takes a big risk, and enters his kids into the qualifying heat of the Mathletics Olympiad, a state-wide mathletics competition. They win their first qualifying heat by a significant margin, and Eddie cries again. Richie phones him in the evening;

“I hear that Southview won their qualifier!”

“We did!”

“Did you cry again?”

“…”

“… No”

“You did, didn’t you?”

“… maybe”

“You’re so cute”

“Shut up”

“Never. I’m proud of you, y’know”

“Eh? I didn’t do anything, it was all their hard work”

“Yeah, well, I don’t think a lot of teachers woulda’ taken a chance on kids from a school like yours”

“What’s that supposed to mean?”

“You know what I meant, Eds, I just meant that I can’t imagine many math teachers from struggling schools would have bothered running a math club, let alone pushing their kids to mathletes”

“Well … they’re bright kids”

“I know they are, and they’ve got you cheering them on from the side lines. I hope they know how lucky they are”

“I didn’t realise you were such a sap”

“I’m getting mushy in my old age”

They talk on the phone for hours, and Eddie ends up falling asleep with the call still connected. When he wakes up, he sees that he has a text from Richie;

From: You Nerd <3:

Are you a 45 degree angle? Because you're acute-y.

To: You Nerd <3:

I was wondering when you’d break out the acute jokes

To: You Nerd <3:

Running out of material?

From: You Nerd:

NEVER!

Eddie’s school keeps winning the mathletics heats, and soon enough, they win the semi-finals by a ten point lead and Eddie cries down the phone to Richie, who immediately demands that they go out to celebrate. Eddie gets the subway in because he knows he’ll probably get drunk again, and they go to a cocktail bar that has a lively atmosphere, with Lo-Fi beats wafting through the air like smoke.

Eddie sits down at a booth at Richie’s insistence, who then disappears off to the bar to order their first drinks. Richie comes back carrying two glasses, having bought himself an old fashioned, and he orders Eddie a Tequila Sunrise. Richie manages to get half way through it, but as he drinks more, he starts looking visibly sickened by it, making involuntary faces of disgust.

“Are you okay?” Eddie asks, knowing exactly what’s wrong.

“This is disgusting”

Eddie laughs, an ugly honking sound that makes Richie double-take, “why did you order it?”

“… I thought it’d be cool and I wanted you to think I was sophisticated”

Eddie, who had been toying with his sickly sweet drink, wordlessly swapped the glasses in front of them, and sipped at the old fashioned with a quirked eyebrow.

“How emasculating,” Richie said, voice cracking in the middle, a wry smile appearing on his face.

“So, I heard on the grapevine that we’ll be going toe to toe in the mathletics final?” Eddie asks, downing the last of the bitter cocktail.

“Talking shop on a date? Very disappointing, Spaghetti”

“Is that what this is?” Eddie challenges, locking eyes with Richie, who shuffles closer on the sofa.

“… Was it not obvious?”

“It was, I just wanted to make you squirm”

Richie gasps, scandalised. “You’re a scoundrel, Mr Spaghetti”

“Do you wanna make another wager?” Eddie asks, Dutch courage flowing through his veins.

“Mayhaps, what do you have in mind?”

Eddie gathers up their empty glasses, and stands up to head to the bar. As he walks past Richie’s chair, he leans in to whisper in his ear, “If you win, I’ll let you go on top”

He walks off to the bar, cackling to himself, and orders two more of the same drinks. When he returns to the table, Richie looks whiplashed, and stares at him with wide, owlish eyes

“Were you serious?” Richie asks, voice low and gravelly, like Eddie had punched him in the throat.

“… No, maybe, no, I don’t think I was, I’m very drunk”

“You’ve had one drink”

“I am very drunk”

– X –

Eddie goes back to Richie’s again that evening. He justifies it to himself with the fact that it’s too cold to walk all the way back to his apartment. It’s a shitty excuse, because really he isn’t ready to say goodnight to Richie yet. When they get into his apartment, Richie nudges the couch with his foot coyly.

“I guess we have to move the couch again?”

“Naw, c’mon, we’ll top and tail it,” Eddie responds, nodding at the door to Richie’s bedroom.

Eddie borrows the same clothes as before, which Richie admits that he washed and stored in hope that Eddie would come and stay again.

Suddenly, they’re hugging. Eddie isn’t sure who initiated it, but they’re standing in the middle of Richie’s bedroom, the lights are off, and Eddie’s face is nestled in the crook of Richie’s neck. Richie is humming, a soft sort of melody that Eddie vaguely recognises, and he’s swaying them back and forth slightly. When Eddie feels like he’s falling asleep standing up, Richie guides him over to the bed, and guides him down so his head is on the pillow.

Richie pulls the duvet up around Eddie’s chin, and when he moves away, Eddie murmurs “fuck it” and surges up and kisses Richie. Richie doesn’t kiss back at first, and Eddie feels the oh fuck deep in his gut, but just as he’s about to pull away, Richie’s hands come up to cradle Eddie’s face, and he starts kissing back.

There was no pretence to the kiss, no pretending to take it slow or act reserved, as Richie pushed Eddie backwards against the pillow until he was supine with Richie bracketing his head with his arms. Eventually the kisses organically grow less heated, and they roll over onto their sides, and Eddie falls asleep with Richie pressing small clandestine kisses to his nose, cheeks, forehead.

– x –

When Eddie wakes up, Richie is still in bed with him, perhaps because Eddie has trapped Richie underneath his body sometime in the night. After Eddie stares at his face for a while, watching his nostrils flare with each inhale and exhale of breath, Richie wakes up.

“G’morning, sleepy,” Richie mumbles, grabbing Eddie’s hand and pressing a dry kiss to it with chapped lips.

“Pretty sure you’re the sleepy one, I’ve been awake for ages”

“And who is the one who fell asleep in the middle of the smooch session last night?”

“What?” Eddie questions, playing at confused.

“… um... y’know, when we were kissing last night and you fell asleep in the middle of it?”

“We kissed?”

“Do you – do you not remember?”

“No!”

“Uh… I don’t know what to tell you, Eddie” Richie says, panicked, and Eddie starts feeling cruel.

“I’m fucking with you, of course I remember”

Richie growls and flips Eddie over, and cages Eddie’s head with his arms, “you’re such a little shit”

Before Eddie can answer, Richie kisses him. Eddie buries his fingers in Richie’s hair and gives an experimental tug, smiling around the moan that Richie sends rocketing into this throat.

“You’re so fuckin’ hot, Eds, Jesus,” Richie moans, before clamping his teeth down on the junction between Eddie’s neck and shoulders.

Eddie’s cock jerks in his sweatpants, and his hands fly to Richie’s shoulders, knuckles white.

“Ahhh – fuck Rich – don’t – make sure it’ll – ahhhh – be covered by my shirt”

“When I saw you on that first day, in your loafers and your dress pants and that fucking sweater looking all prim and proper I just wanted to mess you up”

Richie bites at Eddie again, but he pulls off, and stares down at Eddie. Eddie knows he looks wrecked, his hair is probably a mess, and his eyes keep rolling back when Richie shifts against him, but the way Richie is looking at him, an oxymoronic predatory yet soft look, suggests that Richie doesn’t mind too much.

They kiss like touch-starved teenagers for a while longer, until Eddie’s school alarm blares from the bedside table.

“Cock-block” Richie growls, batting at the phone with the hand that wasn’t wrapped loosely around Eddie’s neck.

Eventually, they manage to haul themselves out of bed. Eddie asks to use the shower again and wildly thinks about asking Richie to join him, the promise of Richie’s body, warm, wet and soapy against his overwhelmingly tempting, but he chickens out at the last minute. Eddie puts on the clothes he wore last night, and prays that Bev won’t mention it, even though he knows that she will.

“I can pick you up later, if you like … since you don’t have your car and all,” Richie offers, hopping on one foot as he tried to lace up his boot.

“I can ask Bev to drop me back, it’s all good”

“Naw, I – I wanna do it. I don’t think I wanna wait that long to see you again,” Richie says, putting his booted foot down and crowding Eddie against the wall.

“You big sap”

Richie wraps Eddie in his arms, and presses a kiss to the top of his head, “I told ya, mushy.”

Richie drives Eddie to his school, and Eddie hops out of the car. He walks around to Richie’s side and taps on the window, Richie rolls it down, Eddie shoves his head in through the window and presses a hard kiss to Richie’s mouth, but skips off before Richie can respond.

Richie hollers after him, “HAVE A GOOD DAY AT SCHOOL, MY LOVE!” and Eddie flips him off over his shoulder.

School passes quickly, it’s the week before the finals of the Mathletics Olympiad so basically all of Eddie’s time is taken up with that.

Richie picks him up from school as promised, but Eddie is disappointed to hear that he can’t come into Eddie’s apartment.

“I actually have to go back to school, I snuck out of a meeting to drive you home but I have to go back to my mathletics group”

“Rich! You should have let me ask Bev!” Eddie scolds, but his heart sings like a sparrow in his chest.

“But then I couldn’t have done this,” Richie says, and he surges over the gearbox and presses his mouth to Eddie’s.

They kiss until Richie starts shifting uncomfortably, gear stick poking into his ribs.

– X –

The next week is unadulterated chaos. Both Eddie and Richie are really busy, and can’t see each other before the competition. Eddie can’t help but feel really weird about the fact his school will be going up against Richie’s for such an important competition, and he wants to talk to Richie about it but Richie has been so hard to reach the past few days bc he’s been so busy so Eddie leaves it. He occupies himself with booking transport to the venue, reassuring his kids that they do deserve to be there, and trying not to neglect the rest of his AP classes.

The day of the final comes not a moment too soon, as Eddie is sure that his heart would give out if he put it under any more stress. The final is being held in the auditorium of a local university, so Eddie drives the shitty little school bus over there with his kids who are terrified. Bev works hard to keep their spirits up, as she’s taken over the role of chief motivator as Eddie is stupidly nervous, and he can barely concentrate on driving, let alone motivating 10 terrified kids.

They get to the university, and Eddie immediately notices that Richie’s school bus is already in the parking lot. They go in, they register, they go backstage and sit in the room designated to their school to prepare in. Eddie works hard to calm down his very panicked kids, whilst Bev simultaneously tries to calm down a very panicked Eddie.

Suddenly, Richie’s head appears around the door.

“Mr Kaspbrak, can I talk to you for a second?”

Eddie follows Richie out, “Rich, it really is so lovely to see you, but I’m also terrified to see you, so I think it’s best if you–”

Richie cuts Eddie off with a kiss, and Eddie can’t help but melt into it, tension draining out of his bones like water. Sadly, as soon as the kiss begins, Richie is pulling off again.

“Sorry, babe. See you ringside, coach!”

Richie darts off, and Eddie just has to lean against the wall and breathe.

– X –

Eddie’s kids win.

Eddie immediately bursts into tears.

Jasper, the team gives a rousing acceptance speech when he accepts the trophy, “we’re really proud of ourselves, the other team were amazing and we feel so honoured to be here today, it’s a privilege.”

To Eddie’s horror, they bring the mic over to the coach, announcing that “we will now a word hear a word from the coach of the championship team.”

Eddie has to stumble on stage, puffy and red faced, and he’s tries his best to speak through his tears, but all he manages to do is sob something incomprehensible, loud and sort of proud sounding into the microphone. The audience looks bemused and vaguely concerned, but Richie, who was standing on the other side of the stage with his team, is crying with laughter.

Soon after the presenting ceremony, there is the refreshment reception for the winning team. The kids all mill about, hyper on candy, sugary drinks and triumphant victory. Eddie manages to drag Richie into a secluded corner, where they can talk without risk of being overheard. Richie grasps Eddie’s hand and squeezes it.

“I’m so proud of you, short-stack”

“Short-stack?!” Eddie replies, incredulously, “I’m five-foot-nine thank you very much!”, but then he sees Bev waving to him frantically, so he sends a quick “see you later” to Richie over his shoulder as he runs off towards her.

– X –

Eddie sleeps like the dead that night, and he finds himself recruited into a celebration pep rally for the mathletics team the next day so doesn’t have time to think, breathe or eat or even text Richie.

Finally, when he gets home, he’s half way through texting Richie --

To: Short Stack:

Hey Rich, sorry I had to run last night,

-- but he doesn’t manage to get any further than that before he can hear shouting coming from outside of his window.

“I fear that I will always be a lonely number like root 3, a three is all that’s good an right, why must my 3 stay out of sight, beneath this vicious square root sign”

Richie is standing on the grass beneath Eddie’s window, swaying slightly, with a megaphone clasped between both hands, and he’s screaming into it.

“I wish instead I were a nine, for nine could thwart this evil trick, with just some quick arithmetic,”

“Are you really doing this? The Harold and Kumar thing?” Eddie yells out of his window, in disbelief.

“I know I’ll never see the sun as 1.7321, such is my reality, a sad irrationality, when hark, what is this I see?”

“So you are doing the Harold and Kumar thing”

Richie, undeterred, carries on yelling, “another square of a three, has quietly come waltzing by, together now we multiply, to form a number we prefer, rejoicing as an integer”

“I never thought I’d be serenaded with a maths poem, oh, you’re shouting over me, okay, please do continue”

“We break free from our mortal bonds, and with a wave of magic wands, our square root signs become unglued, and love, for me, has been renewed”

“Are you done? You’re done. Richie, are you okay?” Eddie asks, openly laughing now.

“I’m sorry if I said something bad!” Richie yells, still talking into the megaphone. Eddie can see the lights of his neighbours houses begin to flick on.

“For fucks sake, you lunatic! I have neighbours! Neighbours who probably hate me now!”

Eddie runs downstairs and opens the door, and Richie practically launches himself at Eddie.

“I’m sorry I upset you,” Richie whines, and Eddie is shocked to realise that he’s practically on the verge of tears.

“You do know I was crying about my kids, right? Not anything you said?” Eddie responds, voice serious.

“But I called you short!” Richie wails, looking so devastated that Eddie finds it so hard not to bark out a laugh.

“… I know I’m short?”

“But you ran awaaaaaay”

“One of the kids had eaten too much and had thrown up, Bev needed me to clean up the vom!”

Richie’s face shifts from sorrow to confusion to realisation to embarrassment at the speed of sound.

“so you don’t hate me?” Richie asks, tentatively.

Eddie pulls himself out of Richie’s arms and strokes his chin thoughtfully, “I mean … I don’t hate you but my neighbours might”

“Neighbours schmaybors, so you really aren’t offended that I called you short?”

Eddie lets himself laugh at that, “how drunk are you?”

Richie shrugs. “I had some wines. I was drowning my sorrows! I honestly thought I’d offended you and I was ready to scream apologies into this thing for hours,” he says, waving the megaphone for emphasis

“You’re such a nerd,” Eddie teases, prodding at Richie’s chest with an extended finger, and Richie sweeps him up in his arms.

“Yeah, but I’m your nerd”

“I guess you are”

Richie ducks his head, and Eddie closes his eyes in anticipation but their lips never connect.

“Hey! I have a great line for this situation”

“Oh Jesus Christ”

“I wish I was your derivative so I could lie tangent to your curves”

“You NERD”

#reddie #eddie kaspbrak #richie tozier #Richie Tozier x Eddie Kaspbrak #acute-y #math teacher au #school au #teacher au #thefutureisbright #ao

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advice-n-help-queen · 4 years

Text

How to TRULY move on...

“This is a long post but I have to get it out because it’s been killing me.

Me and my ex had been close friends for almost 3 and a half years. We met our senior year and from that moment on I had a huge crush on him. It wasn’t until the summer before our sophomore year of college that I admitted I had feelings for him. To my surprise he felt the same way. He was bi but that didn’t bother me. We weren’t official till school started but I assumed we were exclusive because of how he felt about me. Two weeks before classes started he told me he had to admit something. While I was away house sitting he had a short fling with a girl from his work. He made out and sent nudes back and forth with her. I was devastated. During his fling he’d visited and acted like everything was ok. It took me till school started to even speak to him. I knew I should have ended things right there but I was a stupid 19 year old girl who finally had a guy who liked me. I told him as long as he cut all contact with the girl I’d forgive him. He said he did so I did. For the next months we were happy. I even told him I thought I was falling in love with him and he said he felt that way too. It wasn’t until November came that I felt the change. He became distant and would leave me on read. I chalked it up to midterm stress. After a week of barely talking or even seeing each other I confronted him. I told him I didn’t understand what was going. He told me it was nothing and led me to think I was over reacting. By Thanksgiving I’d had enough. When we were on the phone I told him I wanted the truth or I was breaking up with him. He again told me I was overreacting and nothing was going on, but I couldn’t take it anymore. I wanted to be with someone who cared about me and didn’t gaslight me. I told him I was done and if he couldn’t be honest with me I couldn’t stay around. He didn’t try to stop me or even say anything. I hung up in tears and cried myself to sleep. A few days later he posted a very intimate photo with a male friend of his. My heart broke. The entire time we were in a relationship he was cheating on me with him. The fact that it was a guy didn’t bother me it was the cheating. I didn’t care what gender the other person was all I cared was that he cheated on me. Word spread fast through our friend group that he left me for a guy. They talked about how he only dated me because I wasn’t girly and I was basically a guy with boobs. I avoided all of them for the rest of the semester. I went to class and went home. My depression got worse and I thought very little of myself. Over break I took a lot of time to myself and worked on liking myself again. When school started again my ex wanted to talk. He said him and the guy broke up and he really wanted to be friends again. I told him I couldn’t, he broke my heart and destroyed my self esteem. But he didn’t understand. I walked away and haven’t spoken to him since.

People say I need to forgive and forget. But I can’t. I need advice on how to move on and pursue other relationships and not feel like with everyone it will end like this.”

I’ve been absolutely ITCHING to respond to this. I’m sorry in advance for how long this is going to be lol, but I have a LOT to say.

First, I’d like to say that I appreciate how difficult this has all been for you, especially considering how long he has been in your life. But the quicker the grieving process begins the better and easier it will be for you in the long run. You’re going to cause yourself more hurt by holding onto the past and the memories. He’s shown you who he really is and what he’s really like. Believe him. Don’t make excuses for him. The longer someone has been in our lives, the more inclined we feel to hold onto them and not let go. But as the saying goes, quantity does not always correlate with quality. Yes, he has been around for a long time, but in hindsight has be actually added anything positive to your life? Has he made you happy in all of that time? Has he considered your feelings, and has he ever been concerned about hurting you? NO. Are you better off without him? YES. Which is exactly why today is the day I help you officially be rid of this undeserving ****.

When you first got with him, you weren’t wrong to assume that he felt the same way about you. I mean he gave you the impression that you two were exclusive, right? He made you feel special, confessed his feelings. So, don’t feel regret or blame yourself. I myself have no clue why people are like this. Some people just love to play games, some people are just complete narcissists. They make us fall for them only to go back on their word and hurt us. And it sucks that we get tangled up with these types of people. And it sucks even more that it’s usually the pure-hearted, sincere people that end up in these helpless predicaments.

Just know that you did the right thing by leaving. A guy who genuinely likes you will never ever consider cheating and will never entertain other people, even if this does just include a “harmless flirtatious text”. I don’t care what anyone says. That’s why I think no one should ever condone or make excuses for someone who cheated on them. And I know it’s easier said than done which is why people forgive and get back together with someone who cheated on them. And I know people have their reasons for doing this. But I believe cheating should signify a definitive end to a relationship. I believe that people who give second chances are doomed to a life of insecurity, regret and negative thoughts that will slowly eat them apart. A relationship without trust is not a relationship at all. I feel even more passionate about this having witnessed a genuine relationship, a relationship full of love, trust and understanding. Now don’t get me wrong, no relationship is perfect. But if your partner shows, not only through their words but their actions too, that they are completely devoted to you then this is more likely to be the person you spend the rest of your life with.

When someone truly loves you they will prioritise your well-being and happiness; make sacrifices for the good of the relationship; listen to you; acknowledge their mistakes (big or small) and commit themselves to making things right; make time for you; respect you, and will NEVER make you question their love for you. Also, you will not have to pretend or compromise your identity with this person, they will love you for you. Which sounds cringe I know, but it’s honestly the truth. If a person is not putting in the maximum amount of effort, then they are showing that they don’t care whether they lose you or not and thus are not deserving of you. A guy who likes you will never leave you on read, ignore you, become distant without an explanation. It shows they aren’t thinking about you, do not care about upsetting you and simply do not care. Do not settle for this type of treatment. Never settle for less than what you deserve or sell yourself short. There is someone out there who is desperate to give you what you deserve and treat you the way you should be treated.

You not ending things immediately, despite everything, does not make you stupid. Maybe a little naïve but then I guess I am guilty off the exact same thing. All the warning signs were there but I sub-consciously chose to ignore them. The feeling of being liked and worth someone’s time is so SO addictive. Especially when you’re not used to that type of attention and I guess when you’re a little insecure too (because that annoying, nosy insecurity bitch always likes to get involved).

It takes a really strong person to put an end to things and realise the toxicity of a relationship despite the temporary (fake?} comfort and happiness it provided for us. So guess what? That makes you an extremely strong person even if right now you’re feeling weak and defeated. And that is a key step to moving on. Do not victimise yourself but instead view yourself as a strong individual. After leaving a toxic relationship it is normal for us to blame ourselves. Our instincts are to remember the good times but forget the manipulation, the control and the isolation. Our minds rush to remember the kind words, romantic gestures and the undeniable chemistry you and your partner shared. But this is the same person who left you broken and emotionally traumatised. This is the person who made you feel so much self-doubt, insecurity and loneliness. So I am going to help rewire your brain and help get it back in check. I am going to remind you that you left him for a reason - a reason that is COMPLETELY and UNDENIABLY valid. Never try to compromise your decision or give it a second thought. He treated you like shit. You are a queen yet he treated you like a peasant.

Please please PLEASE get mad with me. Does this not make you mad?! I am mad for you. I am mad for all the people out there who have been mistreated and unjustly disrespected. I am mad at all the people out there who think it’s okay to play mind games and toy with people’s emotions as if they are not human beings. I am just straight up MAD. Please don’t allow yourself to get sad anymore, I’m sure you’ve had your days where you’ve cried and helplessly broken down. And you are completely entitled to these days, we need to get it all out of our system to truly allow the moving on process to begin. But now I just want you to think of him for what he is. A dishonest, manipulative, insensitive piece of ****. This is the motivation you need to allow yourself to move on. You need to reprogram your brain. You are a boss ass bitch. You need to channel that. Rather than spending your time thinking about him, spend that time on yourself. You deserve your time more than anyone else. This is a step that really helped me move on. And I’m still in the process of moving on, so trust me, I’m not going to preach to you like it’s easy, but a start is better than nothing. We can do this together. We’re strangers but gurl I feel so connected to you right now.

You know what you should do? Go to the gym. Work on bettering yourself and making yourself feel good for YOU, not for anyone else. You think someone liking you is an addictive feeling but that has NOTHING on the feeling of self-love and self-appreciation. Nothing is more empowering than that. We don’t need any man to make us feel happy and good about ourselves. Sure it can help add to it. But that’s all it should be. An accesory, not the complete outfit. (Did that make sense? in my head it sounded like poetry but writing it.. i’m not so sure anymore lol). You don’t even have to go to the gym - it’s all about doing things that you genunely want to do and want to dedicate time to. Whether that be yoga, reading a book, going out with friends…

Oh and that’s another thing. That “friend group” of yours is no friend group. You should be around people who uplift you and bring nothing but positivtiy and good vibes. After my break-up I spent the weekend with my best friend, eating an abundance of food that was bad for us and screaming the lyrics to enpowering songs. These are the type of people you need to surround yourself with. Not people who bully you and make you feel bad about yourself after a traumatic experience. Hell, I’m more of a friend to you than them and we don’t even know each other. Girl, talk to me. You don’t need them.

I’m so proud of you for walking away. I tried being “friends” which someone who broke me but it was just impossible. I don’t know how people do it, but it’s just not possible for me. Why burden yourself with the constant reminder of the pain someone caused you with no remorse? The worst thing is, as you said, they just don’t understand. They will accuse you of “over-reacting”, making you feel stupid for feeling the way you feel. I tried talking to my ex just to try and understand why he did what he did, to get some “closure”. But it just ended up doing more harm than good. People claim we need closure in order to move on but I don’t think this is always the case. Sometimes we just have to accept that some people are shit and that they do shit things. It’s not on us, it’s all on them. Why they are so shit is something they have to figure out, not us. You need to rid yourself of him. Delete his number, block him if you have to. Don’t message him. Don’t have any association with him. He’s not worth your time or space. Also posting sexy ass pictures now and then doesn’t hurt either. Show him what he’s missing. Because he really IS missing out.

And I know you fear getting into another relationship because you are worried it’s fated to have the same outcome. But trust me, when you spend time prioritising yourself and when you eventually grow to fully love and appreciate yourself, you’ll attract people who are good for you. You’ll learn to set boundaries and know your worth and NOT tolerate any bullshit. You’ll keep your standards high and will be able to detect the lying, conniving assholes from a mile away. You got this. The same thing won’t happen again because you won’t allow it to happen again. You hear me?

I’m so sorry for what you’ve been through. You asked for advise on how to move on and I’m sorry the answer hasn’t been so straightforward. I think the important thing is that you constantly remind yourself of how amazing you are and how wrong he was for treating you the way he did. Yes I don’t know you, but what I can tell immediately is that you’re a compassionate, loving and genuine person – someone who a guy will be extremely lucky to have some day. Also, another important factor is time. You need to give yourself time. Everyone says this but it’s true. Don’t beat yourself up if you occasionally relapse and find yourself broken again, it’s all a part of the process. But just know you WILL get through it. And remember, if you ever need someone to talk to, I can assure you that I am here. <3

I’m also going to make a mini playlist of songs that helped me feel empowered. Something as small as the music you listen to can also play a big part in changing your mood and aiding the moving-on process. BUH-BYE to songs that make us feel sad and nostalgic.

Playlist

· Lil Boi (Big Talk) [Ayanis ft. Queen Naija]

· Unlove You [Ann Marie]

· Heard It All Before [Toni Romiti]

· B.I.T.C.H [Megan Thee Stallion]

· Switch Up (Part 2) [Toni Romiti]

· Who Dis [Toni Romiti ft. Russ]

· I Know [Toni Romiti]

· Need Me [Toni Romiti]

· Unimpressed [Toni Romiti]

· Time To Leave [Toni Romiti]

· Options [Toni Romiti]

· None Of Your Concern [Jhene Aiko ft. Big Sean]

· Rebound [Savannah Cristina]

· Self Care [Savannah Cristina]

· Self Love [Dreameville, Ari Lennox & Bas ft. Baby Rose)

· So What [Amaal]

· Later [Amaal]

· Just Might [Summer Walker ft. PARTYNEXTDOOR]

· Not The Same [Sybyr ft. Landfill]

· Unleash me [Sybyr]

· I Don’t Like You [Sybyr]

· No Scrubs [TLC]

· See Me [Melii]

· Best Thing I Never Had [Beyonce]

· Why Don’t You Love me? [Beyonce]

· Freakum Dress [Beyonce]

· Irreplaceable [Beyonce]

· 6 Inch [Beyonce ft. The Weeknd]

· Freedom [Beyonce ft. Kendrick Lamar]

· Sorry (Original Demo) [Beyonce]

· I Don’t Fuck With You [Big Sean]

· Be Careful [Cardi B]

· Bodak Yellow [Cardi B]

· I’m Every Woman [Chaka Khan]

· Deuces [Chris Drown]

· Handle It [Chris Brown (ft. DeJ Loaf & Lil Yachty]

· Grass Ain’t Greener [Chris Brown]

· Cheetah [Chris Brown]

· Zero [Chris Brown]

· Level Up [Ciara]

· Needed me [Rihanna]

· Wild Thoughts [DJ Khaled ft. Rihanna]

· Bitch Better Have My Money [Rihanna]

· Sorry Not Sorry [Demi Lovato]

· Games [Demi Lovato]

· Say My Name [Destiny’s Child]

· Survuvor [Destiny’s Child]

· Nice For What [Drake]

· 7 rings [Ariana Grande]

· breathin [Ariana Grande]

· in my head [Ariana Grande]

· thank u, next [Ariana Grande]

· Broke Up With You [Toni Romiti]

· A Woman’s Worth [Alicia Keys]

· Right Back [Ar'mon and Trey]

· 2 [H.E.R]

· U [H.E.R]

· I Won’t [H.E.R]

· I Will Survive [Gloria Gaynor]

· Crooked Smile [J. Cole]

· Love Yourz [J. Cole]

· Ain’t Your Mama [Jennifer Lopez]

· Love Don’t Cose A Thing [Jennifer Lopez]

· Stronger [Kanye West]

· I Hate You So Much Right Now [Kelis]

· Poetic Justice [Kendrick Lamar ft. Drake]

· Bitch, Don’t Kill My Vibe [Kendrick Lamar ft. Emeli Sande]

· Alright [Kendrick Lamar]

· Leave Me Alone [Michael Jackson]

· Love Me Right [Moxie Knox]

· Feeling Myself [Nicki Minaj]

· Don’t Cha [Nicole Scherzinger]

· Medicine [Queen Naija]

· Karma [Queen Naija]

(I know I said a MINI playlist but I couldn’t help myself…)

Also, I’m going to add some youtube videos that helped me a lot. They’ll help remind you that you are, and always will be, a boss ass bitch.

· https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9Jo1rSII6vU

· https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RTFp8cuBVLk

· https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=m1SLA7cmeHo

· https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=I64AVJKsaWc

· https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dh1W-1Ulgo

· https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jUjwVVxW0Mc

· https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=hMOPCvTM0o8

· https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_hcJ9vxn2yY

· https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=X-NqX-g99jA

@wonderland-delusions

#help #advice #relationship problems #relationship advice #breakup #hurt #boss ass bitch #bad ass bitch #moving on #enpowerment #narcissists #toxic relationships #boy bye #submission

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ghinanotlinetti · 4 years

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23 lessons I learnt (and am still learning) at 23-years-old

On Thursday January 30th 2020, I turned 23-years-old. I’ve never been one to want to do something extravagant for my birthday, it’d be too much pressure for a single day. I do, however, like to reflect on my year and have a mental check-up on myself to see how things are going. It just so happens that my birthday is in the month of January, the first month of the year, so I keep all my new years reflections for my birthday. I find that I tend to press refresh on January because there tends to be a lot of clutter that I couldn’t clean out from December. This year was no exception; I was working all the way until December at my corporate job, then I left the country to visit my parents for the winter holidays so I had no time to pick up the pieces from that job and my life in the big city of Jakarta. I couldn’t extend my contract when I came back so had to let go of that job, which was both scary and a relief. Life after grad is very unexpected, I don’t think they prepare us enough to deal with the highs and lows. The week of my birthday was also the same the world received tragic news about the death of Kobe Bryant and his daughter Gianna Bryant. I’m not a basketball lover but I did know Kobe Bryant as this dorky geeky guy who was a huge Potterhead, he loved Game of Thrones and The Alchemist and was not ashamed of this side of him at all. I also started feeling ill, then I got the flu and am still recovering from a cough that’s making my diaphragm and back ache so much. On the other hand, I did get to spend this birthday week with my older sister who shares the same birthday as me. We haven’t celebrated our birthday together in years, it’s nice to be together again. In the spirit of me turning 23 this year, I thought I’d share some teachings and advice I’ve picked up along the way. Hopefully it can be applicable to all, especially if you’re just entering life after uni, so here we go!

1. You’ll never make it if you don’t face it.

So you might be familiar with the phrase “fake it till you make it” which might work for some people, but in the long run it might not be a realistic approach. Of course we all have dreams and want to achieve them, however not everyone is willing to work for their dream. If you’re one of those people like me who have no problem is working hard towards their goals, then you might struggle with the next thing I want to bring up which is: patience.

2. Be patient, be patient, be patient.

I was not that willing to wait for my dreams to come true as I was when it came to working for it. I definitely love working on my writing and the hustle felt rewarding to me, however I was impatient which is quite odd because I’m also young and have years ahead of me. Maybe it’s a millenial thing to be daunted by the what if’s but it’s so valid; what if I don’t make it until I’m 40 something, settled for stability and never took a chance on my passion? I find peace in accepting that I don’t have to know these things because I trust in the universe and I believe God always has a reason.

3. Believe in yourself, over and over and over again.

As someone who struggled with low self-esteem I thought all my insecurities would vanish the moment I felt confident. Instead it’s a whole process that can’t be done overnight. It takes weeks, months, years but if you’ve been able to believe in yourself before you can certainly do it again.

4. It’s okay to not have it all figured out.

Because everyone else around you doesn’t have it all figured out!

5. Generosity can get you far in life.

Helping others is the best way to network and form meaningful relationships at the same time! It’s not worth it to be alone in your hustle, because at some point you’ll need people for a plethora of reasons.

6. Collaboration > Competition

Realistically, you can only really be an expert in a few things, maybe one or two things and that’s completely okay. Because what this means is that there’s opportunities to collaborate and create with others great things.

7. Be kind to yourself.

In order to be kind to others one mustn’t ever forget to be kind to one’s self. Simple.

8. Lead with faith, not fear.

There have been so many times when I’ve done something out of fear and thought it was necessary, but then I felt so anxious I didn’t know what to do about it. I realise now that leading with faith makes me have less panic attacks; it’s not that I’m not scared at all but more so that I’m just calmer because I’ve accepted that I don’t need to have an existential crisis every time I make a decision. So, I’d go with faith.

9. Reclaim your narrative, and stay grounded.

There’s so many labels and stereotypes that I’ve have to deal with and never asked for simple because of who I am. It’s a lot of judgement from all sorts of people and communities (and I thought I was promised one day of judgement?), so I simply refuse to be defeated. I’ll rise above and reclaim my story which demands to be heard.

10. Everyone has talent and is smart, but not everyone is authentic, kind, reliable, etc.

I thought that in order to stand out I had to have a loud, big, and bold persona, which worked fine with other people but that just wasn’t me. On the flip side, I found that most people, be it employers or friends, would value qualities such as authenticity and reliability more than what you could bring to the table.

11. Become the things you want to become and you’ll stop desperately wanting it.

So for a really long time, I’ve always wanted to be a writer and I thought I’d have to wait for that to happen. But then I’ve always been writing, therefore I already am a writer. I think this can be applied to most passion projects and everyone deserves to take a chance on their passion project no matter how absurd or crazy it might be.

12. Just try whatever it is (an interview, application, class, etc.) and at the very least you’ll have one foot in the door.

I’ve got quite an active imagination; I tend to think a hundred steps ahead, mind-wandering in places I probably shouldn’t, so sometimes I won’t do things if I can’t commit 100%. Overthinking has become tiring for me and I want to make more choices out of faith. Most often than not there’s really no harm in trying, so just give it a go.

13. Don’t suffer in silence.

I suffer in silence in the past way too much. As a result I’ve distanced myself from really good friends of mine without any clear explanation. Can’t do that again because I value my friends and they deserve better.

14. Create the art that you would want to consume.

Be your own target audience. Most people don’t actually know what they want until it’s there in the market, so you’d be waiting a long time by asking other people what they want. Just start now.

15. Rest should never be compromised.

Often when I feel like giving up, I don’t actually mean it. Sure it’s frustrating but I don’t want to quit. I just need to rest. Please rest, and make sure to get the best quality of rest.

16. It’s okay to grow out of things and people too.

In the past I’d be needy for closure, but then it became tiring. Sometimes not getting an answer is the same as getting an answer. Let go.

17. When people show you who they are, believe them.

Yes, I think everyone has made excuses for their buddies, and I’m over it honestly. This one for me isn’t about my present circle of close friends, they’re lovely and I’m really lucky to have them. It’s more for people in my past, and it’s out-of-the-blue when it happens. I hate when it happens but then I can’t just pretend it never happened.

18. You matter, block out all the noise and have a moment to listen to your own voice.

If I ever feel lost or out of touch, I know it’s time to put just a little bit of distance from myself and the world for a little while. When I get to this point I’m usually investigating around my emotions, not investing myself in them, just observing patterns and signs and then find out what it means.

19. Unlearning and healing takes time, just make progress no matter how big or small.

So I’m in my twenties and I thought by this age I’d have everything figured out. Turns out I was very wrong. The amount of unlearning and relearning I had to do and am still doing... wow. But as long as it’s not a regression and a motion forwards, even if it’s just baby steps, it’s so worth it.

20. Life is just as much of a journey backwards as it is forwards.

As someone who’s always been spiritual, this is something that I find comfort in especially in times when I feel like I don’t know where I’m going. I’m a third-cultured kid, I’ve never had a home home for so long, and that’s fine. Nothing is a given, not even tomorrow. Life is about eventually returning to the Creator; it doesn’t matter how far you’ve come, what matters is what you make of this crazy beautiful dunya.

21. Close some of those tabs once in a while, it’ll be fine!

Ties into the next one which is:

22. Relax.

I’ve been dealing with anxiety for so long, my mind is somehow on panic mode by default, even when I’m meant to be off duty. Still trying to find that balance which works for me, between work, family, friends, mental health, leisure.

23. You’re not as special as you think you are, but on the bright side it means that you’re not alone! No more pity parties for one!

No more feeling sorry for myself because it’s disgusting! There’s so much out there to explore and discover for me, and that’s worth getting excited over. Here’s to more adventures, travelling, self-discovery, friendships, love, and everything in between!

#2020 #reflection excercise #self-reflection #self-development #ghinawrites #freshman year of life

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shijiujun · 5 years

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History3 Ep 8 Summary - SHAO FEI ADMITS HE LIKES TANG YI

my obsession with tangfei is getting a little ridiculous - i’m writing this as the episode live streams AND OKAY IT JUST ENDED!!!!

*JUST A WARNING GUYS IT’S ONLY 20 MINUTES FOR TODAY’S EPISODE AND WHAT THE HELL THEY KEEP DOING THIS AND ENDING THE SCENE PREMATURELY and today’s was ridiculously short in feel especially - and the scenes just keep changing prematurely as well and the development is a bit too fast? but the good thing is the plot actually moved in terms of everyone’s relationships and also the bad guy’s plots - which we haven’t seen much of until now

i have no idea, let me know when you guys watch it and have any theories! i’ll explain some of mine later below!

also an update on the chinese audience again - they’ve totally adopted shao fei as their son it’s hilarious some of the golden comments translated are (they mean their comments lovingly despite the exclamation marks LOLOL):

“DON’T HURT MY SON!”

“LET GO OF MY SON”

“TANG YI YOU LITTLE SHIT”

“I’M GOING TO TAKE MY SON AWAY FROM YOU!”

“tang yi hasn’t apologised, i won’t be taken in by his gentleness!”

SUMMARY FOR THIS WEEK:

HAHAHAHAHA omg wow this episode is packing a punch seriously it starts off with SHAO FEI’S MANY LUGGAGES AT TANG YI’S HOUSE declaring his intention to stay

tang yi’s reaction: he stares at shao fei as he ALWAYS DOES, as if he’s wondering how this human being ever came into existence you know? and then he says: “i’ll never allow having a policeman around me 24/7″

bodydumb, ah de: “yeah boss, what would everyone say if they realised that you had a policeman following you around?!”

at this point, shao fei as always seems to be on the losing end but WOW JACK IS HELPING SHAO FEI OUT WTF GOOD JOB JACK - basically he makes the case that if shao fei moved in, they could also keep an eye on him rather than let him keep turning up at inopportune times and disrupting their plans - THIS IS A VALID ARGUMENT

Shao Fei is totally pulling the friend card again to stay at Tang yi’s house this is amazing if i got my way every time I pulled the friend card life would be so much easier - in any case, he brings up the fact that he’s “half a friend” and he’s not a policeman in this case, and friends should help each other out?

Jack is SCHEMING HE IS SCHEMING: we haven’t seen much of his scheming so far, so i’m actually quite excited to see how his covert plans all fall into place - he show shao fei a REALLY REALLY REALLY NICE GUEST ROOM

and shao fei just moves in and treats the place as his home like he has ZERO SHAME, YOU GO SHAO FEI! OWN IT! he thanks jack for helping him out earlier and jack is all: “it’s alright, i actually need your help.”

in this case - HELP COULD MEAN 2 THINGS 1. with possibly bodydumb’s alleged betrayal OR 2. with zhao zi OR 3. BOTH!

shao fei calling zhao zi then and asking him to turn up at tang yi’s place to set up a security system or check the existing one - it could be a legit reason i.e. jack knows that zhao zi is good at technology and hacking and what not, and wants him to come and scope the place out, BUT ALSO so he can spend time with zhao zi

the rest of the police team just groans because they’ve got a lot of work to do and with shao fei already stationed with tang yi so they’re one man short, and now they want zhao zi to go over as well? you’ve got to admit that police chief perhaps wanted shao fei out of the picture and OUT OF TROUBLE AS WELL and best case scenario shao fei turns up with some evidence and progress and if not WELL, AT LEAST HE’S OUT OF TROUBLE FOR A SHORT PERIOD THANK GOD HE’S SOMEONE ELSE’S PROBLEM FOR NOW

back at tang yi’s house: hong ye vs. shao fei - who is going to win? OMG hong ye is pulling out ALL THE STOPS she’s so mean - i can understand why but WOW SHE IS SO MEAN AND SHE TOTALLY WON THE ROUND IN A SENSE - she totally provokes shao fei and hits all his buttons by mentioning li zhen jie and insisting that she was a dirty cop, and that shao fei is exactly like her: “it’s no wonder, policemen’s salary is low, they can’t help but be a little greedy” and other things, and we all know how much li zhen meant to shao fei, so he literally TAKES A SINGLE FUCKING STEP AND MOVES TO KIND OF POKE OR GRAB HER-

tang yi comes in at just the right time and grabs him and SHOVES HIM VIOLENTLY backwards and shao fei legit just crashes into the chair behind him: “don’t you dare touch her!”

CAN YOU GUYS UNDERSTAND WHY THE CHINESE AUDIENCE ARE LIKE ANGRY AT TANG YI HAHAHA

anw shao fei is spitting mad, he gets up and goes: “do you know what she said?!”

tang yi: “it doesn’t matter what she said. don’t you dare touch her!”

i expected shao fei to argue, but he’s totally hurt from her comments, and then now that tang yi is indiscriminately shielding her against him - so he just stalks off, the poor bb and just as he leaves, tang yi asks hong ye: “are you okay?”

hong ye: “i’m fine, i was just a bit frightened/startled by him”

cue shao fei’s indignant expression as he hears that and stops by the door, then makes his way outside

LOOK AT BB SHAO FEI STALKING OFF LIKE AN ANGRY LITTLE DUCK

okay shao fei you need to stop being violent towards other people’s property - he is understandably angry and starts kicking the swing outside in the garden

jack is scheming guys he’s totally scheming - HAHAHAHA is he trying to push shao fei and tang yi together it’s fucking hilarious, but at the same time he’s trying to give him cryptic advice? i love it

jack: “hong ye is known to have a sharp tongue and for being blunt”

shao fei: *POUTS*

jack considers, then goes: “unless... you’re not mad at hong ye, but at our boss”

in any case, jack dispenses some good advice - that if shao fei keeps acting based on his emotions, everything they’ve worked for will be for naught

KEYCHAIN MAKES IT APPEARANCE! tang yi sees the keychain that shao fei gave him while he’s packing his desk, is reminded of what he did to shao fei (only just?!!!! tang yi how could you) and then looks out of the window to see shao fei in the garden - wow shao fei how many times you going to pace the garden

shao fei talking to himself and psyching himself up AWAY FROM THE HURT HE FEELS FROM TANG YI NOT LISTENING TO HIM: “it’s only natural that he sides hong ye. they’re so close.” - and then he returns to the house just as tang yi comes down the stairs

they stare at one another, and shao fei is still pissed so he walks AWAY from tang yi, then within like five steps he pivots on his heel and faces tang yi just as tang yi reaches shao fei

tang yi explaining himself to shao fei, I LOVE THIS RELATIONSHIP DEVELOPMENT

anw shao fei opens his mouth and he’s about to say smth but tang yi beats him to the punch and goes: “i know what hong ye said to you. i know what li zhen means to you, and i apologize to you on her behalf”

so shao fei was angry, but because tang yi totally apologised first, he can’t be TOO ANGRY, but he scoffs: “whatever. if the person who said it doesn’t feel sorry for it, then there’s no point for a bystander to apologise”

tang yi: “she is me, and i am her. together the both of us are going to complete what boss tang entrusted to us.”

shao fei: “and this means you can just not listen to me?!!!!”

seeing that shao fei bb is still angry, tang yi does the next best thing - HE GRABS SHAO FEI BY THE ARM AND DRAGS HIM TO THE ROOM HAHAHAHA WE’VE ALL BEEN WAITING FOR THIS SCENE AND IT IS GLORIOUS

SHAO FEI’S CONFUSED FACE AS HE LANDS ON THE BED?!!!! +100000

wow tang yi how hard did you push shao fei with the bruises and tang yi’s SUPER GENTLE TONE as he tells shao fei to “lie down properly” so he can get his back okay seriously TANG YI HOW HARD DID U SHOVE SHAO FEI BB

ahahahahaha shao fei is totally enjoying the treatment, and he’s TOTALLY okay until he remembers what jack told him, that shao fei actually cares more about tang yi’s reaction than hong ye’s harsh words - and that’s when those BIG WIDE EYES OF REALISATION APPEAR - HE IS ATTRACTED TO TANG YI HE FEELS IT

bad guys turn up - chen wen hao is colluding with another person and chen wen hao is looking for detailed information in xing tian meng - the other guy wants to ally themselves with chen wen hao

OMG OKAY MAJOR PLOT DEVELOPMENT AHEAD: so no ones knows tang guo dong and tang yi’s actual relationship, not even chen wen hao or any of the other gangsters that were previously under boss tang in the same gang

apparently tang guo dong just one day turned up with both hong ye and tang yi, but he only changed tang yi’s surname to his, and let hong ye keep her one surname

chen wen hao has no idea what tang yi is to tang guo dong, and basically asks the other plump dude to show some sincerity and get him some REAL info, particularly tang yi’s EVERYTHING, including his past - chen wen hao and the other bad guy seems fixated on this details, so I’M BETTING MY MONEY ON THIS BEING A HUGE PLOT REVEAL POINT

SO THEORY IS: remember those promotional stills that SHOWED tang yi crying in shao fei’s arms? i think there’s something going on with tang yi’s birth (for e.g. he could be boss tang’s real son with li zhen?!!! OR something similar, something that he didn’t know - but it’s a theory, FEEL FREE TO SHARE MORE THEORIES!!!)

FAVOURITE SCENE OF THE EPISODE: CAR SCENE - tang yi is being chauffeured to the company by ah de, and shao fei is sitting right there next to him and totally STARING AT HIM

TANG YI TOTALLY FEELS HIS GAZE AND LOOKS UP AND SHAO FEI LOOKS AWAY AFTER BEING CAUGHT?! SHAO FEI PLEASE

tang yi, exasperated but clearly quite fond of shao fei: “what are you doing?”

and wow shao fei that was a lousy excuse: “oh! just exploring the car features. wow, does this run on electricity? your car is totally luxury-grade” - and then proceeds to press every button near him!!!!! SHAO FEI GET A GRIP!!!

ah de from the front: “alright you country bumpkin, don’t open the roof window, it’s raining.”

shao fei: “who the fuck you calling a country bumpkin?!!!”

and then tang yi WHO IS JUST LOOKING AT SHAO FEI FIDGET AND MOVE AND RUN HIS MOUTH OFF SO, SO FONDLY, WITH SO MUCH PATIENCE, he asks: “really, what are you doing?”

shao fei, another lame answer that is INCONSISTENT WITH HIS PREVIOUS ANSWERS: “nothing. i’m just looking to see if you’ve got some drinks in here.”

TO WHICH, tang yi helpfully opens the compartment between their seats and comes up with idk is that sparkling water? he is about to pass it to shao fei, and then he-

OMGGGGGG TANG YI HE THEN SO HELPFULLY, SO DOTINGLY, OPENS THE BOTTLE FOR SHAO FEI, AND PASSES IT TO HIM

CUE SHAO FEI’S SATISFIED SMILE

they arrive at the company lobby and tang yi moves into the elevator first, then shao fei wants to follow but he can’t because AH DE AKA BODYDUMB IS A COCKBLOCKER - he refuses to let shao fei go in

AND OMGGG ANDY - ANDY with his lazy outfit but looking fine as hell, he turns up and obviously they arranged to meet, tang yi asks him to come in and he does, leaving bodydumb and shao fei fighting outside of the elevator - TANG YI WHERE DID ALL THE GENTLENESS GO?!!

and fucking FINALLY - we get a scene where shao fei properly kicks ass and HERE IT IS GUYS THE PIVOTAL POINT OF THIS

bodydumb: “don’t think i don’t know what you’re doing! you’re using this as an excuse. i see your eyes when you look at the boss, it disgusts me!”

AND THEY EXCHANGED BLOWS

AND THEN SHAO FEI BABY OVERPOWERS BODYDUMB AND SAYS: “yes, so what if i like tang yi? it’s none of anyone’s business. if you have time to spread rumors about me, you might as well use the time to train your moves!”

YASSSSSS OMG SHAO FEI BB - BURN!

so shao fei bypasses bodydumb who’s lying in pain on the ground, into the lift, and he makes it upstairs (and somehow he knows which floor it’s on?)

anw tang yi and andy are having a meeting - THANK GOD FOR ANDY’S COMPETENCE - he has intel for tang yi, he knows that chen wen hao met someone the night before, and he has found out who attacked and kidnapped him previously

andy slides a piece of paper with maybe a person’s name on it over the table to tang yi, tang yi grabs it, but andy stops him and warns him: “you’re not going to be happy when you find out who it is.”

tang yi is all, okay, but imma do it anyway

he reads it, and THEORY: maybe it’s bodydumb’s name?! - anw he’s super angry and he flings the paper to the ground - we don’t get to see whose name it is, tang yi just keeps repeating that he didn’t think it was him

andy then is all: “awww, don’t be angry, relax” - and he’s so touchy with tang yi ARE YOU SURE YOU GUYS DIDN’T SLEEP TGT BEFORE and massages tang yi’s temples

tang yi is totally into it and he actually relaxes and closes his eyes

which brings me to the point of shao fei being outside the office, and he can see the vague figures of andy and tang yi standing so close to each other

AND THIS IS HILARIOUS - BODYDUMB AKA AH DE arrives, and before he can grab shao fei, shao fei grabs him, silences him and goes: “LET’S GET RID OF OUR COMMON ENEMY FIRST BEFORE SETTLING OUR SHIT” AHAHAHAHAHA BODYDUMB AND SHAO FEI ARE NOW ALLIES BECAUSE THEY ARE JELLY OF ANDY?

and then they just end it there we don’t get the scene where shao fei bursts in and interrupts whatever they were doing

some thoughts:

when is the exact OMG moment when shao fei realises he likes tang yi? i think he realises he’s attracted to him during the massage scene, but how did that go to declaring that he likes tang yi to bodydumb?

tang yi why you keep blowing hot and cold?!

“common enemy” i.e. andy - does shao fei know that bodydumb likes tang yi? this still hasn’t been really confirmed, and how did shao fei know?!

I LOVE GENTLE TANG YI TO SHAO FEI - BOTTLE OPENING SCENE IS A TREASURE

tang yi’s background - any theories on this?

#history 3: 圈套 #history3圈套 #history 3: trapped #history3: trap #history3 spoilers

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breathebangtan · 5 years

Text

Credulous

Ch. 4: Lurking

Genre: FallenGuardianAngel! Jimin, Supernatural

Members: Jimin

Pairings: Jimin x y/n

Synopsis: love is an uncontrollable feeling, even for those who were meant to protect, and only protect. Nothing more and nothing less. Yet somehow, there was always outliers.

Warnings: Slight manipulation and a small accident

Word count: 3.6k

A/N: Hope you all enjoy! Please like and reblog if you do!

Ch.1 | Ch.3 | Ch.5

My weeks were usually uneventful, aside from the occasional accidents here and there. Like this morning for instance, when I didn't tie my shoelace tight enough. I accidentally tripped on it and fell down the stairs. Luckily, I was only three steps away from the ground, only ended up with a scraped knee. Jimin, of course, took care of my wound. I was late to class, but at least my knee wasn't burning, thanks to him. I hadn't realised just how much my guardian would be around me, now that I knew who he was. He gave himself full reins on my life. Sitting in the empty seats next to me in class, giving me the answers to tests, literally telling me where to walk because he was afraid I'd get hurt again. Maybe I was over exaggerating though, he wasn't with me 24/7, or at least he wasn't visible to me. But he was a little overbearing, about everything I did that could potentially harm me.

Not that I could blame him, my track record wasn't in my favor by the slightest. He let me be once he thought I was fine on my own, which was nice. I was grateful that he trusted me. The week came to an end sooner or later though, and my double date was getting closer. Jimin seemed to feel funny about the whole thing, sat on the edge of my bed as I did homework, asking me for details. “Where will you guys be going, anyway?” I could only shrug, I didn't know either. Rae had only stated that it would be a double date this Friday, and that was all the information she gave me.

“I wish I knew that too, but Rae didn't give me any specifics. Hopefully the guy isn't a douche.” I giggled to myself at the last part. “Are you sure you want to go out with some random dude you haven't met?” He questions me, and he successfully inserts doubt into my mind. It doesn't go unnoticed by me, however, the fact that he's trying to push me away from the whole thing. At least it would seem like it. “I mean, Rae knows him. Why? Do you not want me to go out?” I question his motive but he just shakes his head.

“It's not that, I just know you don't like socializing, much less dating. It just seemed odd to me that you gave in so easily. That's all.” He smiles, and I brush it off. His excuse was pretty valid. Even I was astonished at how surprisingly okay I was with this, even somewhat excited. Albeit, very little. He spent the rest of that night watching me study, helping me here and there before he disappeared. There was nights when I couldn't sleep and he'd stay with me, until I could. On nights like that one however, he'd disappear randomly, and I wouldn't see him until the next day.

Finally I was home, after a long day of work. Maybe the fact that work was stressing me, was the same reason why my excitement for tonight was growing slightly, and I gave in. Spending the remaining hours, before the double date, preparing for it. I tried my best to look presentable, yet casual. A simple pink knit sweater, that was torn at the bottom, making it barely reach past my belly button, that paired with a denim skirt and black sneakers. I hoped I wasn't underdressing myself, nor over dressing. I was just so nervous on what my first impression would be, and I wasn't sure why. Maybe the comfort Jimin had given me, was changing me.

Just as I thought of him, he chimed in out of seemingly nowhere. “Is that what you'll be wearing?” He asked, as I finished applying the last bit of makeup. “Yeah, is it too much? It's not enough, is it?” I questioned. My tone made me seem desperate though. I always disliked feeling desperate, which made me shake my head. “No, you look perfect.” He smiled at me, I was relieved as I looked myself over in the mirror.

“I just think it might be too revealing.” He spoke in a quitter voice, with a tone I couldn't figure out. I tilted my head slightly, in questioning. Too revealing? It's just my legs, but it's nothing bad, right? “Are you sure? It's just a skirt.” I asked him as I looked at my mirror, contemplating what to do. “I'm just saying, it's supposed to get cold later tonight. Are you sure you want to be wearing a skirt? I don't want you catching a cold.”

He might be right, I didn't want to get cold later. As much as I didn't want to go, I didn't want to not enjoy it because I was cold. Besides, I was slightly excited, I didn't want to ruin it for myself. “Should I wear jeans instead?” He was quick to nod his head at my suggestion. It was cute though, making me giggle as I went to grab a pair of jeans from my drawer. After successfully changing in my bathroom I walked back out. He wasn't in the room anymore, I figured he'd left and grabbed my purse. As if on cue, Rae called me. I didn't hesitate to answer her call. “I'm outside, are you ready!” She screeched full of excitement. How could she not be though? She'd had a crush on Henry for the longest time. Just another reason why I wanted to be on my best behavior tonight. I didn't want to jeopardize her chances with him. “I'll be right out.”

I was thankful that Rae had a car in this moment, because I wasn't sure how far our date would take place from my apartment. I was sure that walking wouldn't be ideal though. The only reason Rae had a car now, was because her parents finally took the next step and bought a new car. Resulting in Rae receiving their old one. “So, have you guys decided on what we'll be doing today?” I asked her as she drove down busy streets. The moon was high up in the sky, shining as bright as it could, but still overshadowed by all the street lights. “Yeah, we're going to the boardwalk. Ride a couple rides, play some games. It'll be fun, plus it'll be easy to get to know each other.” She happily cheered. She was always so bubbly, in contrast to me. I always wondered what made her befriend me, we're so different. Maybe opposites do attract.

“Well, it does sound exciting.” I looked out the window, looking at all the stores and cars passing by, all the people out shopping. The city was booming with activity right now, it was Friday night after all. Not too long after, we made it to the location. Just as I expected, there's a huge crowd of people. I guess the incident from last Friday night did have an effect on me, because I was worried that in this large crowd of college kids, that jerk would be too. I prayed that he wouldn’t and got out the car, sighing slightly. I guess my thoughts were obvious, because Rae questioned me. “Are you alright? You look a little pale.” She looks over my features as she walks closer to me. I can only smile at her, nodding. I was determined to make this night amazing for her, without having to worry about me. “Yeah, of course. I think I’m just a little nervous. I mean you never told me who my date will be, or what he’s like.” I try to act like that’s what’s bothering me, and nothing else. Not a complete lie though, I was curious as to who she paired me up with, what he was like. Which didn’t really matter because I wasn’t thinking of being in a relationship or anything, but a fun date couldn’t hurt, right?

“Oh, you’ll have so much fun together, I just know it!” She responds as she ushers me into the swarm of bodies that are running around, enjoying their night. “That doesn’t really help me, but okay?” I let her lead me to wherever, guessing she and the boys probably agreed on a specific spot to meet up. We quickly end up in front of a booth that look like it sold tickets and passes for the rides. Rae didn't bother to get in line, instead opting for cutting half of the line. “Um, Rae… What are you doing? Shouldn't we go get in line back there?” I question her, but quickly realise why she had done so. We ended up in front of two guys, laughing with each other. One was Henry, who didn't take long to notice us. “Hey! You guys made it.” He smiles at us as Rae smiles shyly, going in for a hug, which he reciprocates. Next to him is someone I haven't seen before, which wasn't unusual as I didn't socialize much. Aside from parties at least, which wouldn't help because the alcohol made everyone's faces blurry.

He stuck his hand out to me, smiling widely as he introduced himself. “I'm David, it's nice to meet you. Rae was boosting about you all week, it's nice to finally see why that is.” I blush slightly, a light giggle escaping my lips. Wasn't sure if it was because I found that funny, or if It was a nervous laugh. “Well, she hasn't mentioned you at all. So I'm excited to see what mysterious you hold.” I smile as we step closer to the booth, the line making progress. He laughs at my words, “I'm an open book, so you won't have any trouble. Trust me.” He smiles and I nod my head. I had to admit he was a very good looking guy. “I'm Y/n, by the way. So, do you go to school with us? Or?” I ask him, trying to make conversation, I just hoped that it wouldn't get awkward. I couldn't count the many times I made small talk with someone, and I somehow made it awkward. “Yeah, I'm studying law now. To be honest though,” he says, rubbing the back of his neck, “I wish I could pursue something else, but my father is a lawyer. He wanted me to be one as well.” He comments.

“I see, that's always hard. Have you tried talking to him about it?” I questioned him, and as I did I realised he most likely has, but it wasn't like I could retract my statement now. “Of course, but he's insistent. I just wish he could understand that it's just not for me.” His shoulders droop slightly, in defeat. We take a couple more steps. “No, I totally understand. We only have the one life, we should do what we like and be happy.” He smiles genuinely at me, his mouth opening to say something, but Rae interrupts us. “You guys, I’m getting a little hungry.” She pouts cutely, we all smile at her.

“We could eat something before going on the rides. Although, I don’t know how much of a good idea that is.” I contemplate my own suggestion, as I realise that eating before going on any roller coaster isn’t exactly ideal. It could lead to an unwanted accident. “We could eat something light, maybe a snack. You know, just to tame your hunger.” David chimes in. I agreed with him immediately. As we were all agreeing, the person in front of us had finished buying tickets, we walked up to the booth after they’d walked away. The girl behind the glass window spoke up. “What can I get for you?” Her tone was bored, it’s not that she was rude, but you could definitely tell she didn’t want to be here. I didn’t blame her, working Friday nights, in a ticket booth, watching others having fun wasn’t ideal.

As much as I hated myself for what I was about to do, I tried not to think about it too long and just did it. “How about you guys go and get something to eat for Rae, David and I will buy the tickets.” I say as I give Rae a little push. “Are you sure?” She asks but I just nod and turn back to the girl behind the window. I didn't want to be alone with David, but I also knew Rae probably wanted a little alone time with Henry, and I was determined to make this date the best for her. David and I decided on what free passes to buy, and walked away from the booth. The loud laughs of the people running around the boardwalk filled the night. “So how did you meet Rae?” I ask David as we walk around, looking for our friends.

“Oh, we were friends when we were younger. We use to live in the same town. I saw her on campus not to long ago and we started talking again.” He explained to me, I was glad in away. At least it meant she knew him pretty well. He wasn't just a complete stranger. “Oh, so you know her since she was a kid. Has she always been this bubbly?” He laughs at my question as he nods his head. It was a good thing, she's always been the bright person that she is today. “It's quite endearing, isn't it?” He wasn't wrong at all, it was the feeling I always got when she got excited about things, or acted like a schoolgirl fawning over Henry.

“So tell me about yourself, I mean Rae talked a lot about you, but it's not the same as hearing you say it.” He leads us further down the boardwalk, where I see Rae and Henry near a pretzel stand. “Well, what are you interested about?” I realise that I’m making myself sound mysterious in away, but I just genuinely don’t know what to say. Aside from Rae, I never really had to talk about myself. I mean I didn’t even with her, we just gradually figured each other out the more we spent time together. I thought that was the norm, but I guess not? “Anything, are you from here?” He asks. We’re getting closer to the other two, that Rae sees us and waves at us to hurry.

“No, not originally. I use to live two cities away from here, but I moved here on my own for school.” He nods taking in the information. “Just like Rae and I, I guess it’s not that uncommon for students to be out of town.” It really wasn’t, I was sure around half of students were out of town. It was just such a common thing. We finally reached our friends, Rae handing me a pretzel. “That’s for you,” She says, in a sing song voice. “and this one's for you.” She hands David another. I take a bite of it as we walk away from the stand. Out of nowhere Rae starts jumping excitedly and we all laugh at her antics. “Oh my god! Look!” She points at a carnival game, the cliche knock down the bottles and you win a prize ones. She was usually really good at these games, but I figured that she’d want the typical date experience where the guy wins the prize for the girl.

“Hey, why don’t you go win her a prize?” I suggest to Henry, trying to set in motion my plan. He looks like he wants to respond, but David picks up on my intentions and pushes him forward. “Come on, win the pretty lady a prize.” Henry gives in and pays for a game. I was starting to notice how nervous he was, they were comfortable with each other, and he was confident. Even so, he would do slight things that made it apparent that he wanted to impress Rae. Which of course, I was happy about, because that could only mean he liked her as well. “Do you want to come up to the ferris wheel with me?” David seemed like a nice guy, from the small sentences we interchanged, but I was here for Rae and to have a good time. I feared that spending too much alone time with him would make ideas in his head.

“I… I don’t think that’s a good idea.” I stuttered out, rubbing my arm awkwardly. “Why? Are you afraid of heights?” He asked, I could tell by the tone of his voice he really wanted us to go. “No… I just…” My voice caught in my throat, as a new thought came to mind.

It’ll be fun, he’s cute. I couldn’t help but agree with myself, but I was still silent. Not sure if to say yes to him. The thought brought along an unpleasant and odd aura. A sudden emptiness left inside me, but I was totally fine with the vacancy within me. It was as if I could become addicted.

I’m so lonely, he’d be perfect. Everything I need. My lips turned into a smile on their own. It’s time to live my life, and he’s the one to do it with. My voice rushed out of my mouth, “On second thought, this should be fun!” I hooked my arm around his and pulled him along, yelling over to Rae that we’d be back as I ran off. David laughing beside me as his steps picked up. I couldn’t argue with myself, even if I wanted to. I just went along with my instinct. Thankfully the line wasn’t long. Barely anyone was waiting, we were up and in the ferris wheel in no time. David helped me sit down, and in my head I marked down a point for his chervillry acts. When he sat down, I noticed he tried his best to give me space. Something if never Do was my next move. I brushed my hand over his, leaving some fingers lingering over his.

His slight smile was evident. The pink hue in his cheeks forming was utterly cute to me now, the wind pushing his hair back as he looked to the side. “I know we just met, but you seem super nice and I’d like to spend more time with you.” He scots closer to me, my head leaning on his shoulder. “That would be nice, you and I.” I say in a dreamy voice. A familiar scent came to me in that instant. Vanilla and roses mixed with lavender. Such an amazing scent, one I could lose myself in. It was utterly familiar but I couldn’t place from where, not in this instant at least. “What made you change your mind, back there I mean. When I asked you to come up here.” I shrugged slightly. Even I wasn’t sure what that was, all I know is that I did and we were here now.

“You seem like a nice guy that I’d like to spend time with.” I didn’t want to let him down, and it was a complete lie. I hooked my arm around his again, sliding closer. “Maybe we can make that happen.” He suggested and I nodded my head In content. We spent the rest of the time in peaceful silence. Until the ride stopped, our cart at the very top. “Wow, look at all those light.” I pointed out at the city, everything looked so small from here. He laughed at me slightly, “The view is amazing, isn’t it?” He looked out as well. Our eyes opened wide suddenly as we felt the ferris wheel shake. My heart started to palpitate quickly, as a more violent shake was felt. My breath hitching in my throat.

“Are you okay?” David asked, as he kept his arm in front of me, gripping the metal handle next to me. “Yeah, I’m fine.” I told him, as I dared to look forward, to see what was happening down there. The all too familiar feeling came to me. Only accomplishing for me to look like crazy all over for Jimin. However, I couldn't find him anywhere in the crowd of onlookers on the ground. “Be careful, you’ll fall.” David said protectively, and as he did Jimin’s presence became much more unbearable.

“Where are you?” I whispered to myself, gaining a strange look from David. “What was that?” He asks, confused making me shake my head. “Nothing, I just don’t understand what went wrong down there.” My sentence barely making it out as the ferris wheel rushes to rotate. A scream escapes my lips, my body slamming against David’s, which I was quick to hold on to for dear life, wishing it was Jimin instead. But he wasn’t making himself visible to me.

I’ve got you. Jimin’s voice filled my ears as the ferris wheel came to a halt and started to slowly move. My breath was irrational but I was trying to stabilize it. Finally, our cart reached the bottom and it all stopped as we did. I didn’t even wait for the man to open the gate on our cart, I unbuckled myself and opened the gate, running out. I didn’t even stop to wait for David, rushing to where Jimin was in the crowd. I wasn’t even sure how I knew where to find him, probably our connection. Either way, I crashed into him, hugging him with all the strength that I still had in my body. A stream of tears falling down my eyes.

#bts jimin #bts jungkook #bts au #bts jhope #bts jin #bts suga #bts #bts angst #bts v #bts maknae line #bts namjoon #bts hyung line #bts guardian au #bts horror au #bts reactions #bts yandere

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jollyreginaldrancher · 5 years

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Subtle changes that would have saved certain shitty story arcs in Pretty Little Liars

Not gonna lie, this show isn’t great and shittiness is true to its form, and while the A reveals are -at the very least- memorable, there was a lot of crap writing in between that just ruined certain hold-over storylines that were supposed to pretty much be filler until the next big thing. Here’s some subtle changes that would have vastly improved some of those storylines.

1. Talia: Talia swooped in when Emily was extremely vulnerable after the dissolution of her longest running, and most serious relationship. She had the potential to help poor Emily but instead just left her more damaged. And honestly we have seen enough of Emily getting screwed, especially in the romantic department (not that way though) and getting kicked when she was down was the last thing she needed.

How this should’ve gone: Emily needed an Obi Wan, not an Ezra. In a brief span she lost swimming, Paige and Stanford. She was directionless and had no ambition. Talia (or maybe one of the moms. Ideally her own) should have taken her under her wing and helped her find a new passion. Through her tutelage, Emily should have finished her college arc and gotten into her dream school in California and for the first time in this goddamn show, had a relationship with a female character that didn’t eventually devolve into a romance.

2. Hanna returning to Caleb after he came back from Ravenswood. It was cringy and fanservicey and just horrible regression on Hanna’s part. She had a great guy (Travis) who didn’t deserve to just get tossed like that, and as a slap in the face, insta-replaced by her ex, who just ditched her and left town for a while and moved on with his soulmate or whatever the heck, and just aloofly enabled her rebellious streak when he came back.

What should’ve happened: Her identity crisis should’ve ended with her realizing she was regressing to the ideals Alison instilled in her in order to control her, (ie that self worth was tied to how much people wanted you and needing to have a boyfriend and be wanted in order to feel validated) and that being near her was messing with her head so she should have cut ties with her, in the interest of self care, even if it meant cutting ties with the other girls as well. and she should’ve picked Lucas and Mona over Alison and low-key sided with them in the fifth season’s MonAlison war.

3. Spoby: What should have happened with them is a slow burn romance that was cut short in the third season with the reveal that he was on the A team. Spencer is cautious and finds it extremely hard to trust people so she shouldn’t have jumped into a relationship with him so quickly, especially considering she spent half of season one accusing him of murder. There’s no way she would get so deep with him in like, half a season alone, let alone have that on and off relationship and yet act like they were together all along in season three. It was just a mess. What should have happened is a really slow burn with them not really coming together until season three, just before the betrayal, in order to make it sting that much more.

And ultimately, she should’ve been left jaded by his betrayal and not been so quick to trust him or anyone else, and take him back. She’s Spencer, for god’s sake, not Aria! As it stands, all he did was sook a bit in order to win her back. Dude should have grovelled for a chance with her and ultimately worked up a tentative friendship with her by the end of the show, by being consistently loyal. Show should have left off in an optimistic ‘maybe they will get back together, maybe not’ manner and not straight up "yeah, I know my twin raped him but we’re banging again and I think we might be back together”.

4. Ezria. Just Ezria. There is no way that should have lasted after HIS betrayal. Not even sorry. He should have followed them to NY, got shot, and while trying to help him, the girls should have found a notepad, pen, and a voice recorder on his person. Livid, Aria should have written a message telling him never to contact her again, and not to even think about writing that book on them, otherwise she’ll go to the police and accuse him of rape, and then crushed his recording device, and starting out a dark!Aria arc. Cut to Ezra reading the message in a hospital room and angrily chucking it across the room before a familiar figure approaches (A) and draws his attention.

5. There should have been more focus on mental health, especially after critical meltdown points for the characters. Instead of just “Yup, went to the doctor and I’m fine now” they should have delved deeper into these traumas. Emily KILLED a person. Spencer blacked out in the woods out of grief. Paige was clearly suicidal! Mona’s mental state is so vague and someone should have diagnosed Alison with narcissism at the very least, years ago. The dollhouse should essentially have been followed up by at least half a season where they’re desperately trying to recover but failing because they’re rushing or just not dealing with what’s wrong up there. Radley should have played a more prominent role then, and maybe some or all girls should have been moved there for their own protection from that point on.

6. Alex Drake should not have been Spencer’s twin. At the very least it should’ve been Alison’s twin. Maybe passed it off as Spencer after extensive surgery OR by utilising those damn masks that have been showing up since about season three or four for no goddamn reason.

7. Alison trying to whitewash her story and play the victim, and Sara Harvey trying to do the same should’ve sent alarm bells shooting off in Emily’s head. She honestly should not have trusted her, and especially after all the crap she pulled, she should NOT have trusted Alison. It should have been a clue that she was A all along because her having feelings for Emily was just never on the table and they did not do the groundwork to set up an Emishit endgame at all. Alison wasn’t a love interest and she wasn’t a liar and she wasn’t a relative or a friend either so the only reason to show her as much as they did was if she was A herself, so they HAD to go that way OR kill her off. That’s literally the only way to rule her out at this point because of how they handled her in general.

8. Ezra should have come back as a villain who’s mad he didn’t get to finish his story, and not stayed on as Aria’s romantic interest indefinitely. That was ridiculous. He should’ve teamed up and provided surveilance and become obsessed with Aria and the girls and finding ways to cross them and ultimately he should have been killed off in an ironic way that involves a lot of cameras or something along those lines.

9. There were too many creeps and too many cops and too many creepy cops in Rosewood and honestly Garrett was just pretty superfluous. And the whole ‘Spencer should not make assumptions and jump the gun all the time’ message they tried to send with Ian being killed off didn’t really stick because of his involvement in the NAT club so I think instead someone else should have been responsible for those tapes like Jason perhaps, or Garret, and Ian’s name should’ve been cleared when he died, because it rings differently when an innocent man dies because of a misunderstanding than when a creep does. A lot of people tried to justify it with “yeah but he kissed Spencer” and maybe if he had an excuse like that he was blackmailed or threatened by Alison then his death would have been more dramatic. Jason for example, kept showing up but being a red herring and being generally irrelevant for the most part and this would have tied him in a bit better. It could have been a revenge thing or a ‘expose the town’s evil’ thing. He was an angry, disenfranchised young man who had substance abuse issues. It’s less of a stretch honestly for him to try to do a project where he tries to name and shame people around town for looking down on him for being a stoner, especially his sister. And he had those creepy ass pictures of Aria which hint at him stalking her, which he tried to explain away as Alison’s doing. It could be that he took them as well as the video of the girls changing, because he had the hots for her and just didn’t have the guts to tell her because she was younger and his sister’s friend.

10. Nate St Germain. Killing Maya off was bad enough but hinting at it being tied to the rest of the mystery through “Maya knew” and then coping out of it was just terrible. Maya should’ve just taken the greyhound out of town after waiting for Emily, and leaving her a ‘goodbye’ note that subtly revealed she was being stalked but didn’t leave enough information to find her or her stalker, and Nate should’ve come to town pretending he’s her cousin, and looking for her BEFORE her ‘death’. In fact her death should’ve alltogether been avoided, with Emily eventually managing to get in touch with her and finding out she’s hiding in that lighthouse and bringing Paige and Nate with her to find her and bring her home, but being led there by A in a failed attempt to get her away from him in order to warn her, by pretending to be Maya and that she wants to talk to her alone. Her recklessness should’ve caused Paige to get stabbed defending her and Nate being taken out by a cop while Maya thanked her and Paige and apologised for getting them involved, and explained that her family was moving back home and she was going with them, and her and Emily cutting things off but remaining friends, while Emily realises what a champ Paige is and how low her self esteem that she would take a knife for her, and forcing her to promise to never do anything like that again. Paige and Emily should have been trying their best at being friends at this point and working overtime to deny their chemistry, and with this scene where Maya and Emily finally end things for good, should have given Emily the closure she needed and finally enabled her to be honest and open with Paige and start something new again with her.

More will probably follow.

#mine #pll #pretty little liars #ideas #changes

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beccaland · 6 years

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What are your opinions on the RTD era's companions' relationship with the Doctor? 'Cos personally, they bother me a little sometimes, and I was curious what your opinion was.

Yeah, they bother me a little too. I’m actually going to share some thoughts about the characters themselves, as well as their respective relationships to the Doctor. Partly, I want to do that because not to do so would be an injustice to the characters. So, here goes.

Rose (and Mickey a bit, because you can’t really separate an analysis of their characters and he’s a companion too):

Rose is a charismatic character, and I think just right for relaunching the series. She’s young and displays many of the flaws of young people, yet in other ways is more mature than other adults, including her own mum–indeed Rose is often seen taking on a role of parenting her parent. While Jackie seems content to live off the dole, Rose has a job. It’s not a particularly good job, but she seems to be given a fair bit of trust and responsibility, probably above what her official position warrants, which suggests that she’s earned the admiration and reliance of her boss–and given her home life, that’s not surprising. Rose is clearly used to having to be more responsible than her peers. She’s vibrant, curious, compassionate, and brave.

She also takes advantage of Mickey’s affection for her, perhaps without realizing it (at least at first). She’s pretty judgy generally, and she’s not above using the Doctor as well. This suggests that despite (perhaps in part because of) being brought up by an emotionally immature parent and having to take on a lot of responsibility before she was really old enough to bear it, Rose is quite selfish.

Now, as to her relationship to the Doctor, meeting him does two things for her: it gives her an apparently easy escape from a life she feels trapped in, and it gives her the opportunity to develop a relationship with someone unlike anyone she’s ever known, who seems to see potential in her far beyond what any other person in her life has ever shown (especially Jackie and Mickey), and who is both willing and able to protect her and to care about what she feels and wants. Am I saying the Doctor started out as more of a parent-substitute than a boyfriend? Yes I am. Is that kind of creepy? I think so. But not necessarily more creepy than him being her boyfriend, given the age gap.

OK, so Rose gives Mickey a kiss and obliquely tells him “thanks for nothing” before swanning off with the Doctor. By the time she comes back, a year has passed for everyone she knows but just one day for her. This causes ENORMOUS problems for Jackie and Mickey in particular, and she does seem genuinely sorry (well, sorry to Jackie–she seems mostly annoyed with Mickey’s anger AT BEING SUSPECTED OF MURDERING HER. BECAUSE SHE RAN OFF WITH AN ALIEN). This gets swiftly brushed aside by alien shenanigans, and Rose swans off again–leaving Mickey apparently in some doubt as to their relationship status. The nature of her relationship to the Doctor is also left ambiguous at this point, but she’s clearly not thinking of him as “substitute for parental acknowledgement and affection” anymore. She flirts like crazy with Jack who flirts like crazy with both her and the Doctor and both she and the Doctor seem vaguely jealous of the other’s attention to Jack. Back to Mickey meeting them in Wales, who apparently STILL DOESN’T KNOW that Rose has basically dumped him, and does she make that clear? No, but the Doctor is acting more and more like a jealous boyfriend (and really doesn’t stop treating Mickey like garbage until the poor guy saves them and stays behind in Pete’s World, thus earning his respect, I guess, and also removing the threat), and none of this is Mickey’s fault. He’s astute enough to see, at least, that the Doctor and Rose’s relationship is destructive to others.

After the Doctor regenerates, they’re 100% in couple mode, with Rose referring to the events of S1E2 as their “first date” and the Doctor happily assenting to this characterization (has Rose actually broken up with Mickey yet? Honestly can’t remember, but I don’t think Mickey knew it if she had). The Doctor and Rose have a deeply codependent relationship. We might attribute this to her dysfunctional relationship with Jackie and the Doctor’s recent PTSD. They latch onto each other like needy puppies, and this isn’t a criticism, because there are really people who fit these profiles, and they are not bad people, and it does make for interesting characters and good storytelling, but it’s by no means a healthy depiction of a relationship.

Consider, for instance, that the Doctor tries to send her away (no doubt he felt he was making a noble sacrifice, but he did this against her clear and repeatedly expressed wishes, and with the complicity of Pete). Rose ignores the Doctor’s clearly expressed wishes and comes back, which, fair enough I guess, but it all ends in tragedy anyway. So what does he do? HE BURNS UP AN ENTIRE SUN just so he can say goodbye. I mean, I’m sure he verified it was not an inhabited solar system, but seriously. In that goodbye chat, he specifically tells her that they cannot get across the barrier between universes because “the whole thing would fracture. Two universes would collapse.”

Does Rose accept the judgment of the person who is unquestionably the foremost person in either universe able to evaluate the risk of such an attempt? No she doesn’t. We learn in series 4 that even before the stars started going out, she was having Torchwood build a DIMENSION CANNON to P U N C H. A. H O L E. IN THE UNIVERSES!!! like presumably as many as it took for her to find the right one. Just so she could get back to him. AFTER HE MADE IT CLEAR THAT IS NOT WHAT HE WANTED. BECAUSE IT WOULD DESTROY THEM. This is portrayed as romantic rather than horrific. Seriously. And then he dumps his problematic clone on her and goes back to his own universe. SO ROMANTIC. Sorry, I try not to be rude about Rose’s relationship with the Doctor. I think it’s actually an interesting dynamic that makes sense in context, but it really bugs me that so many people view it unproblematically, and it bugs me even more that people don’t imagine both Rose and the Doctor growing out of it. Like, I can’t lie: I think that’s wacked and super unhealthy, in much the same way (though to a lesser degree) as the Twilight series and its fans are, except Doctor Who is still better-written and far more interesting.

That said, I’d be willing to read a well-written fix-it fic that depicts them growing out of their unhealthy codependent dynamic while staying together romantically. TBH I’d be more interested if it were Rose and Tentoo because then it would be canon-compliant, but I’m not too picky on that point. I AM picky about it not even remotely disrespecting the relationship the Doctor had with any other companion though. And it would have to have a whole “you were so obsessed with me that you were willing to destroy an unspecified number of universes, INCLUDING THE ONE YOUR FAMILY AND BEST FRIEND WERE IN, just to see me again for a brief period of time before this universe also collapsed WITH US IN IT and honey, that’s actually CREEPY AND GROSS even though I thought it was super sweet at the time, but in my defense the universe was already ending at that point anyway and you don’t have that excuse because in your case it was PREMEDITATED” conversation because otherwise I won’t believe they’ve actually grown as people. Also it’d be nice if it were funny more than angsty (but lbr you can’t write what I’m talking about without a fair amount of angst). So, y'know, if anyone has actually written that fic lmk.

Meanwhile, there’s MARTHA.

OK so I’m on record about how awesome Martha is. This is already getting long so I won’t belabor Martha’s total awesomeness as a character, but even though I got a bit tired of dysfunctional family relationships in New Who, it was novel to see them have any ongoing family relationships at all, and Martha’s was particularly rich, partly there were so many of them for her to interact with, thus revealing lots of different facets of her character. And despite her fractious relationship with them, she remained fiercely loyal, which was an interesting source of tension between her and the Doctor, and one that diverted attention away from the dental-drill painfulness of the unrequited love subplot.

It’s super gross that the writers made her hung up on the Doctor all the way through series 3. Not because it’s ridiculous for an intelligent, perceptive, professional young woman to be hung up on an emotionally unavailable man. No, that really happens to actual human beings (and again, possibly related to serious parental issues, so it’s not even without narrative justification). Handled with any sensitivity at all, it could have made for a lovely level of complexity. What really bugs me, and I’ve also written about this before, is how the Doctor treats her like GARBAGE, and this is barely addressed as a problem that he is responsible for. In the end Martha realises her mistake in sticking around for so long, but her attempts to call out his bad behavior in the past fell on deaf ears. Martha is the rebound girl but he acts like he doesn’t even know he’s doing it. Which, IDK, maybe he really doesn’t know? Like for all his 900+ years the Doctor has little previous actual relationship experience and also he’s super blindingly hung up on his high school-esque sweetheart Rose. And it’s not just in regards to Martha’s romantic feelings that he treats her poorly. He also dismisses her VERY VALID CONCERNS about her own safety and well-being when traveling in the past for the sake of his own whims. And he brushes off legitimate questions about how stuff works. Anyway. This is well-trodden ground. As is the fact that RTD later inexplicably fobs Martha off on MICKEY, the only other black companion in the series up to that point, despite having already paired Martha off with a cute, sweet doctor who seemed like a MUCH better fit, and there literally being no narrative reason for them to be a couple in that scene.

Donna! Well, as we all know, Donna is among the best-developed companions ever.

She didn’t start out that way though. She started off as a Deeply Problematic (read: disgustingly misogynistic) Stereotype who was never meant to be more than a one-off, but CT and DT got along so well that they brought the character back full-time, and so we got a lot of deconstruction, exploration, and development of that first impression. And I’ll forever be happy we did. But even in The Runaway Bride, she had moments of surprising depth and pathos. Deep down, Donna was always better than she seemed. The fact that she was the last person (other than her mother) to realize that fact is part of what makes her so compelling.

Her relationship to the Doctor is also the least problematic, because they’re both on the same page about being platonic bffs. To be fair, part of the reason he does make sure this is clear from the outset is because he has finally realized how he hurt Martha (NOT THAT HE EVER APOLOGIZED TO MARTHA FOR THAT–for a guy for whom “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry” was basically a second catch phrase, Ten actually sucks at apologising to the people close to him). Unlike Martha, the Doctor doesn’t overlook Donna or brush off her concerns. Unlike Rose, he is not codependent with her. Donna calls him on his BS, and he listens. She helps him to face his emotional vulnerability rather than running from/shutting out potentially scary personal relationships (like with River and Jenny). The Doctor helps Donna to see that she really is brilliant and important, and she grows to believe him.

That’s not to say that Donna’s character was handled perfectly. No, indeed. Even after her first story, we’re repeatedly subjected to jokes about her desperate need for and inability to get a man. Even the Doctor, who is otherwise kind to her, takes these jokes for granted and sometimes participates in them. At the end of series 4, we’re shown that the one person in the universe that Mr. Pansexuality Personified, JACK HARKNESS has no interest in flirting with is Donna Noble, the man-hungry middle-aged slightly overweight loud temp from Chiswick. And then, of course, the Doctor denies her agency and takes away her access to the memories of everything she saw, everything she did, everything she discovered about herself while traveling with him. Just so he wouldn’t have to see her die. It was selfish of him. She made her choice and he ignored it to spare HIMSELF pain. But, y'know, at least the Doctor cheated the lottery to make her rich as a wedding present to a very attractive, kind-looking, and clearly adoring man–right before he regenerated. So she did get a happy ending.

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chamrosh · 5 years

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Okaaay

So. I promise this’ll end up somewhere a heck ton different to where it’ll initially look but yes I just need a long vent okay and honestly this whole first section is probably useful to loads of people so it’s not going to be abridged by me (though if anyone wants to add a tl;dr if this somehow get’s reblogged, go ahead). There’s probably gonna be more of these covering... different things, some of which will be related.

Anywho.

When I was in year 5, I had my first period. I lost 1/8 of my bodyweight in a week and the blood kept coming for another week after that. I was maybe 10, but probably 9. I had already grown intensely uncomfortable with the idea of being expected to be a woman when I grew up. I think I was born with a clock inside me, because exactly a month later, I had my second period. I lost 1/10 of my bodyweight, not having regained the weight from the previous month enough to support that. I tipped into being dangerously underweight at that point and didn’t have another period for a couple of months.

I complained to my mother about how it was too painful and how much blood I had lost and how much blood there was everywhere and OH MY GOODNESS why did it have to hurt so much, what were those great big clumps - And... and her fucking response was to tell me “it’ll hurt less once you get pregnant”. Ah yes. The solution to a 10 year old being in pain. Encouraging them to give your grandchildren already. A++ parenting. And whenever I asked, I’d always be told some variant of “it’ll hurt less the more children you have.”

That summer, my brother had been spending a month in Germany with my mother’s penpal from school, to help pick up enough to be able to do well in GCSEs. All fair and good there. Except that the youngest child of the family he was staying with, let’s call him Mike, had been to Ecuador to help with anti-poverty work for a month before that. Mike had been sick while there, but he had recovered after a day, and it was a week before he came back to Germany. My brother woke up a few days after arriving and started violently vomiting. My mother’s penpal is a pharmacist, so she rushed to her practice and grabbed as many things that would help and not cause complications together as possible, from her own pocket, and started giving him the doses of each. My brother started having violent diarrhoea too, and this had blood in it.

He was taken to hospital, and spent the rest of the month abroad there instead. Every day he lost 6L of fluid in excess just from the mixture of blood and diarrhoea, before the additional sweating he was going through. The hospital diagnosed him with a bleeding disorder, which isn’t haemophilia, but I shall call “haemophilia” for reasons of what it actually is being pretty rare and haemophilia being really similar and far more common, and honestly haemophiliacs need more recognition than peeps with my condition do based purely on numbers and i’m happy for any recognition of bleeding disorders because of me to go there (especially as most of the time my bleeding disorder is covered under the same hospital departments...). He was sent home after this and we had to keep him essentially quarantined for another 2 months. The hospital told my parents to get me and my other brother checked up for “haemophilia” as soon as possible. We did not receive that check up then, but instead nearly two years later. We were advised to get hepatitis injections too, after it was seen what hepatitis C could do to us, and to get those as soon after we were diagnosed as possible... and I’m pretty sure I still haven’t had my Hep shots.

Note that my monster periods starting happened after I was recommended to be checked out for bleeding issues and yet I was still just told “it’ll be fine if you have a ton of kids” by my mother. And may I point out that the idea of anyone putting anything up there in me makes me physically feel ill, and my imagination kind of glitches and physically won’t let me imagine any version of myself being pregnant or giving birth or anything like that and oh goodness did I try to force myself to manage it when I didn’t realise that even just not having kids was a valid option for people...

The hospital (which does have a proper name, but, again, rare disorder, I’m not naming it) eventually had to nag my mother to take me and my other brother up there for checks.

I remember when I started secondary school, and there was an assembly where “all” the boys and all the “girls” had to be split off for basically crap sex ed classes, and the teacher who did the “girls” one basically said that “oh your first one doesn’t hurt” and “on your first one this teeny tiny pad will do” and just, trust me, on my first period I’d have bled through the starter pads that were given out within about 5 minutes if I were lucky. Both a comment on menorrhagia and on the tininess of these pads. In a moment of disgust I took the first opportunity to get them out of my sight (by burying them at the bottom of my PE kit) and utterly forgot about them being given out for about 5 years.

I hated being in that room so much on so many levels. First, because it was a girls’ assembly, second, because the teacher kept handing out things for girls, which I just flat out refused to believe would be useful to me (because I’m a stubborn lil git when I want to be, but also because most of them would genuinely have been), and third, because she flat out lied. At least, from my view. I thought that losing 1/8 of your body weight on your first period was normal. Bear in mind as well that the puberty related info I had from my periods was entirely contained by giving me a book on puberty and walking out the room. I flicked through it once, realised I’d grow breasts, started crying, and threw it in a corner. I had no further interaction with that book (beyond actually closing it) for about 3 years.

When in class, one of my friends said that their teacher in a different subject had said that during periods you only lose about 3 teaspoons of blood, I refused to believe that a period that light was even possible.

And... all the girls seemed to be able to keep doing everything through the whole month. They didn’t seem to have to curl up into balls and spend their break times curled up down the back end of the school just praying the pain would pass.

When I finally got to the hospital, a year and a half after I was meant to, they did the blood test, I was super proud of how strong and manly I’d been that I didn’t faint at losing a ton of blood to the needle and my brother did, and this is yet another mini-installment in signs of gender dysphoria that small me didn’t register right here. And they said they’d call up about stuff after too - but before we left, the doctor said I should go on the contraceptive pill. It should probably horrify you to know that I knew what rape was when I was five, but I didn’t know what contraceptives were until I was twelve. But either way, I heard my mother refuse, and I wondered what it was, so I asked, and she explained that it gave you female hormones to make you not have children and that it was very bad because then you might not ever have children. I disagreed. It was very bad because it was female hormones. But even so, I was glad at the time that she’d said no.

Every single appointment - that is, twice a year - I got a call. Every single time I was asked if I wanted to go on the pill. I said no. I came up with lame excuses every time but I knew deep down it was always because I didn’t want to have any female hormones. My periods awfulness would vary. Initially it was always losing huge chunks of my weight, but more and more it’s manifested as me not being able to swallow anything at all bitter, and throwing up anything i’ve eaten if I try, and in having to pass enormous clumps through down there.

They started out smaller, like the size of the top joint of my thumb. It’s a sign of significant medical issues once you have a lump larger than a nickle / about a pound coin. I jumped from teeny tiny lumps to lumps about twice a diagnosable size. I had not been taught that lumps that size were not normal, and so I didn’t think it was anything significant when I was asked about it... plus, I knew they’d only suggest putting me on the Pill again...

My periods have always been pretty regular, as long as they’re not disrupted by intense stress (although I learned I could sleep less and make the periods less frequent, and that has to have been one of the worst decisions in terms of my grades I’ve ever made...), such that through the whole of biology in year 11 the worst stage of clumping would always be within the same half hour span on a Tuesday morning, during double biology. I used to deliberately hyperventilate, because when I was on the edge of fainting, I couldn’t feel it anymore. I couldn’t feel that disgusting lump making me acutely aware of an organ I do not want and did not ask for. I love biology. I hated having to miss periods of it for - hah - periods, every single month, but it was better than the alternative.

When I was 15, I started getting intense shooting pains through both sides, about the length of my hand below my ribs. When I went to the GP, I was questioned for what felt like hours, - with my mother STILL IN THE ROOM - if I had had sex with any boys, and whether I was pregnant. It made me feel genuinely ill to have the suggestion that I could ever be pregnant. And! Me! Having sex with someone putting their penis in me? No!

Turns out, once that questioning had stopped, I had ovarian cysts. On both sides. I’m almost guaranteed to be infertile - and I was told such at the time - because both of my ovaries had had it, and I’d had it on and off, and it had worsened over ovulation... and they were causing me enough pain that when they flaired up, I’d tense up, my back would curl defensively whether I wanted it or not, and I couldn’t get myself to move or talk. Those are not healthy ovaries. Honestly, it came as a relief to hear. I love the idea of having children, I really do, but to hear I wouldn’t be giving birth! Fucking great feeling, my dudes.

I hated going in the bathroom so much... I’d refuse to go. There were concert days, at least one each term where I’d have to leave the house at 8am and only get home at 10pm and I wouldn’t have gone to the loo in all that time because I hated the loo that much. It was relatively common to have to leave the house at 8am and get back at 6pm, or anything up to 8pm, and to have not gone to the loo in all that time. Anything more than about 4 hours gap regularly is bad for your health. The only time I would go to the loo in school was to get changed for PE on my own if I couldn’t deal with being with the girls (which happened a lot) or to deal with period matter.

During one lesson in year 9, double history, I felt the pad stick to the chair, and I didn’t dare budge an inch from where I was for the entire hour and a half. I procrastinated until I was the very last person sitting down from class still, and when I stood up, the pad ripped, and within a few seconds, the whole of the insides of both my legs were covered in blood. I knew I had to go to the loo to clear it up and replace the pad, but I still didn’t want to.

I started having clumps comparable to the size of the whole of the palm of my hand.

When I finally spoke about this to the doctor (and came up with yet more dumb excuses for why I didn’t want to be on the pill), they finally got me booked for an ultrasound. The forms stating what the procedure is say, by default, that you have to have instruments stuffed up your there so that they can see what’s going on internally, and I started presumably visibly panicking, judging by the fact that they immediately started discussing alternatives. You can have an external one through the front if you’ve not used a tampon or had vaginal sex, so if you’ve not done either of those, and you have period issues (especially to the same extent as me!), and the thought of anything up there also makes you panic, it’s probably best to continue to avoid them.

When I went up to the hospital, first i was super uncomfy because you have to drink a litre of water an hour before the ultrasound is done, and I knew that I’d have to go to the toilet there... but second, because the nurse doing it needs to have a lot of skin exposed. I get why. I also get why they picked a small, non-threatening looking woman to do it, but that also didn’t really help the discomfort. Nor did having to go into gynecology...

Anyway, normal period lining thickness is around 14mm thick at peak (obviously there’s a variation around that that’s perfectly healthy that’s a few mm wide). Mine was 34mm thick halfway through to ovulation. Which would explain how I basically manage to have a baby bump every month... And again, the nurse said I wouldn’t be getting pregnant. Embryos are not going to fare great in terms of getting enough nutrients there.

I liked the idea that my body was trying to provide for some stupidly manly baby. Only stupidly manly babies who could obliterate a uterus from the inside were welcome. Yep. It’s best not to question how I think sometimes but honestly I think I’ve made it sound as close to rational as I can there.

I had a panic attack over the phone call a year ago. I so wanted to say why I really didn’t want to go on the pill! And I was so scared that it was the only way to end the size of the clumping.

In July I managed to produce a whole collection of huge clumps, one the size of my whole thumb, one that was the length from my middle finger tip to the butt of my palm, and several others, all of which were very safely in menorrhagia territory... In September I managed to produce a clump the size of my fist...

I knew I didn’t want to have to deal with that any longer. But I’d also finally accepted I wanted nothing to do with me being feminine, and I knew what I had to say. And I started out the phonecall, literally last week, saying what I’d need to say as a numbered list and everything, setting it out. It still took me about 5 minutes from saying I had a third point and being prompted to say it that I finally got out my reasoning. I was asked what the issue was. I said again that it was female hormones and I didn’t want them. And again. And again. And again. And again. And then finally they got it.

I finally had an alternative suggested (which I still need to go and get sorted out because oh boy am I disorganised). And they said that the appointment was already longer than it technically should be, and that they really needed a good section of time to talk about how my gender interacted with my “haemophilia” and so they said they’d book my an appointment, not say what the appointment was about on the letter, but that that appointment would be about gender, and would be in my Easter holidays.

I think I practically died of excitement at having something gender-affirming to do officially that’d maybe be a first step in transitioning.

And then I checked my email this morning.

The letter has arrived at my parents’ house. My mother opened it. And she scanned it and sent it to me.

Her thoughts weren’t to scribble out her address and put mine and mail it along like a sensible human being with a basic comprehension of what boundaries are. NOPE, not my mother, not the woman who’d recommend that a 10 year old become pregnant. Of course not. No, she had to go and open confidential medical letters. And she didn’t even have any shame about that! Just straight up emailing me about having done so, and showing me proof that she had done so!

I’m so bloody relieved that the hospital were truthful about that, and that it wasn’t specific at all and just listed the hospital department I have to go to for it (which actually is the haemophilia department). That would have been a fricking awful way to be outed. Can you imagine that? Parents who told a 12 year old that if he turned out to be a lesbian, they’d kick him out the house. As a 12 year old. Who said to not even talk to trans people, let alone make friends with them. Who nearly broke off contact with their kids’ godparents’ son because he came out as pansexual. Who rant about how “society’s gone too far” and that “you can’t just choose” and that TERFs are completely and utterly right about everything for a full week after a single comment is made. Honestly I don’t think I’ve ever more concisely said why it’s taken me so long to actually admit that yep, I’m trans, and also to try coming out to any family members. Can you imagine? Finding out from having precisely 0% of a concept of privacy? My mother was horrified enough when my brother mentioned he was getting his tubes cut and that he and his wife are planning to adopt kids instead. Can you imagine her reaction?

I really really need to be able to safely permanently move out, if only so that my mother doesn’t think it’s okay to look through my medical letters.

Also yes that whole first bit was there because I never feel like I’ve vented enough about it ever and it’s fucking awful and it needs a lot of venting. ... but also to give a scope of the medical neglect from my parents and the level of reproductive control in their house, and to give some context to the stupid lengths they’ll go to to avoid having to deal that some people would really rather not have anything to do with what would make them fertile.

Hopefully now all that is vented I’ll actually be able to focus on what I’m meant to be doing. Which is working out where I’m gonna go for my year abroad. Which, incidentally, I’m going to be Out for, whether my parents approve or not. Also hopefully me actually posting this gives some people a reassurance that yes it’s fine to hate your periods, they suck, and honestly I feel bad for everyone on their periods no matter how much lighter they are than mine, and even if they aren’t a dysphoria inducing nightmare. All periods suck.

#periods #trans #transphobia #menorrhagia #haemophilia #tw:gore #gore #seriously gore #body horror #tbh yes i do think that my parents' behaviour probably falls under abuse #cpd #dysphoria #seriously i hope i can focus more #this has been bugging me all day

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lizzybeth1986 · 6 years

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Quick Thoughts on TRR Book 2 Chapter 16

• IT’S HAPPENING FAM!

• Since there’s a chance that Homecoming Ball is going to be an absolute disaster, might as well put my crown on now

•

WHAT URGENT MATTER WHICH URGENT MATTER. LIAM YOU SHOULD TELL ME THESE THINGS.

• Maxwell since when was Bertrand a ‘calm presence’ 😂

• “No plots, schemes or blonde-haired barriers in the way!” Bertrand tells me. You sure about that boi? Coz everytime someone says something won’t happen in this book, it fucking happens 😑

• MAXWELL SINCE WHEN WAS ME ACCEPTING A PROPOSAL IN MY WAITRESS UNIFORM A GOOD IDEA

• When in doubt (and in NY getting engaged) dress like a New York skyscraper

• I had thought the Bertrand Savannah story would be over by now, but it isn’t. Far from it. But from what I gather - he seems to a. think that restoring Beaumont House’s glory comes first, b. feel that his love for Savannah (he does mention that he “treasures” her messages) is a distraction, c. deems himself a failure. There are some pieces to this puzzle missing and methinks we’ll find them all only in Book 3.

•

Legit. This right here is how my MC ended up head over heels for him.

• Liam: You radiated…possibility.

I believe at some point in the chapter, Liam highlights this as true not only in his own case, but applies it to how she changed Drake’s, Hana’s and Maxwell’s lives as well. I love that even in this, he doesn’t want to think only of himself. He sees how the MC has influenced his friends as well.

• I love how all our choices in Book 1 have been incorporated in this chapter.

• My favourite sequence in the chapter thus far is when Liam tells us about how he met the rest of the gang. It really does give us an idea of their background and history, and why they all really worked as a team, a unit, a group.

•

The first thing that came to my mind was how Maxwell was the first person to recognize the effect the MC had on Liam, way before even Drake did. He was the first to realise that Liam had found in the MC something he’d never had before, and thought to himself “I don’t want Liam to lose that”. It makes his first invitation to Cordonia that much more poignant, IMO.

• Lol I love how both Liam and Drake’s friendship is comprised entirely of them repeatedly rescuing each other 😂 They’re each other’s Knights in Shining Armour lol.

• OMG I FEEL SO VALIDATED BY WHAT LIAM SAID ABT HIS FRIENDSHIP WITH HANA?? I’D BEEN SAYING THIS SINCE BEFORE BOOK 2 CAME OUT OMG THANK YOU FOR CONFIRMING LIAM xD

• “Even back then…I knew [Hana and I] would be kindred spirits” - PREACH BRUH THATS WHAT I SAID

•

I SAID THAT TOO.

• “[Hana] is brilliant at a great many things…but hiding her feelings isn’t one of them”. AND THAT.

• In one fell swoop, Pixelberry made “With a Little Help From My Friends” parts one and two canon 😂😂

• Pixelberry also made @toglidethroughlife fic “This Love” partly canon with a way way happier ending if you’re a Liam stan xD

• This reminds me of that time when they made the abdication suggestion (and the MC’s response) that we saw in @violetflipflops “I Will Wait” canon too.

• “I didn’t realise that being a good ruler meant taking the reins for myself. Not until you.” Yes yes YES.

• MC you’re a shitty dog owner. You didn’t even notice your dog has been missing for the last few days? Whaaaaaa?

• He called me queen of his heart 😭😭😭😭

.• YES LIAM YES YES YES I’VE BEEN WAITING TO SAY YES SINCE CHAPTER 16 OF BOOK 1

• GUYS DID YOU NOTICE WE GET A ROMANCE MEGAPOINT ONCE WE GET ENGAGED???

• Back when I played the chapter I assumed the megapoint meant this LI would be exclusive for you from that point on…but alas. Looks like that isn’t the case. I do think we’ll see this megapoint next chapter with the others too. Maybe.

•

What he means is “sorry, Joy, I don’t think your little eyes can handle the smut”.

• Soooo this time’s diamond option is purely sexytimes, with a side order of Lady Liberty trivia. (the lightning one sounds ominous and symbolic of Liam in some ways). I’m okay with that because I really liked the non-diamond journey that preceded it, I thought that was a beautiful way to retrace their steps to the very beginning of their journey together.

• Also. As I have said before. Cordonian men have a thing for pinning their women to walls 😂

• This comes up if the MC speaks about Lady Liberty being struck by lightning 600 times.

Liam says the MC represents possibility. The MC says this. The Bad is gonna happen fam. In the Finale 😭😭😭

• Yknow there are several ways this could go down:

1. An assassination

2. A coup

3. Possible leaking of Constantine’s involvement in the conspiracy, leading to people losing their faith completely in Liam. It would take a great amount of effort for Liam to win his people’s trust, all through no fault of his own 😭

I hate option 1 but at least I hate it the least 😭😭😭 I’d much rather Liam get heroically injured than emotionally and publically torn apart like that 😭😭😭😭

• MADELEINE KNOWS SOMETHING.

• MAYBE REGINA KNOWS SOMETHING TOO IDK. MAYBE EVEN ADELEIDE KNOW SOMETHING. OR NOT. IM SO CONFUSED.

• If you reject Liam’s proposal, the resulting behaviours from the MC’s side are highly problematic:

1. She does it NOW when this man is on his one knee with a ring. Imagine how much more poignant and beautiful this admission would have been if they let you say it way back at the balcony. Imagine having the opportunity to tell Liam you love someone else at that point, seeing him conflicted, sad, confused - BUT AT LEAST he knows the stakes and knows it involves you finally going to the love interest of your choice in the end. Imagine him saying “I’m hurt, and sad, but that’s not what matters. What matters is that we clear your name.” How much more poignant that scene would have been. How much richer would it have made Liam’s story with you even if you weren’t pursuing him. It would allow him to maybe explore other options with other people. And it would be completely in character for him to let go that way. The MC, Liam and all the LIs would have wound up all looking good. Having it stretch out this far and crushing him like this is great drama but it makes the MC look like a complete tool. ESP when Liam offers her a duchy and her response is to be happy. HAPPY. “Sure I trampled your heart on my high heels but LAND. TITLES. MY OWN COAT OF ARMS. YAY. Who cares about you boo?”

2. Having the option of kissing him, and having sex with him, even though you have rejected him. Sure, Liam tries to make us feel better about initiating by bringing up the way Cordonia secretly does relationships, but in this case they don’t have consent from the LIs. She’s telling him she wants to have sex with him, at a time when he is vulnerable, desperately in love, still not over her, shocked and confused. That’s manipulative on levels I can’t even begin to describe. There should have allowed Liam to pull a Zig here, not continue placing her on a pedestal. Zig wants the TF MC, and he makes his feelings very clear to her while playing pool, but if she chooses to cheat on her LI with him he makes it very clear how absolutely callous that is on both him and the other LI. It makes it clear that this choice - taken with no one’s consent, and obviously focussed just on her own needs without caring whether other people will get hurt in the process - is wrong. He lets her know her behavior was terrible. Liam would have been well within his rights to tell the MC that too.

At the very least they could have had Liam bring the polyamorous option up and THEN state “but hey, you shitty person, we don’t have Drake/Hana/Maxwell’s say on this yet”.

This isn’t in any way comparable to the Liam/Madeleine/MC situation. Liam was in a forced arrangement, one that he had been clearly manipulated into. Liam had Madeleine’s explicit consent, and got the MC’s as well, before moving forward. Plus he never intended to keep the arrangement with Madeleine, hoping to break it when the MC’s name was cleared (a promise he acted upon and fulfilled immediately, might I add). Here, the MC and Liam are free, as are the other LIs, and they have nothing holding them back. And as I mentioned earlier there is no explicit consent from the LIs, the way there was with Madeleine. Liam is a guy who stayed ridiculously faithful to the MC from the moment she entered the competition, didn’t even look in the direction of the rest of the competition when he was well within his rights to. Ignored Madeleine to a large extent the whole duration of their engagement. Basically ONLY lavished attention, love and devotion to the MC. What about this guy screams “yeah let’s bang without consent from the ppl you’re actually in love with” to you?

• Liam is not the one with the problem here. Nor is the player. The problem is the writing and the game.

• This is an obvious attempt at cashgrab. Now that we will begin to go official with our LIs, how are we going to buy ALL the exclusive LI scenes the way we’ve been doing so far? They can’t completely diverge the stories the way they did with RoE (RoE could afford to do this because there were other characters and storylines we could find ourselves invested in, so restricting it to just one LI in Book 3 was okay), nor can they do what they’re currently doing in TS or ES or LH because the relationship dynamics in this book are vastly different. So they bring up this piss poor excuse so that they can still manage to make sex scenes with the LIs possible even if you’re supposed to be going official with them by the end of the book. Ick. All it does is leave a bad taste in my mouth.

• Other stans I hope you get your sexytimes soon!

#the royal romance #trr liam #liam x mc #trr maxwell #trr hana #trr drake #trr bertrand #trr quick thoughts #quick thoughts

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mybullshitsensesaretingling · 7 years

Text

A Mistake

Request: Hi I was wondering if I could have a Spock request where I tell him about my feelings towards him but he says he does't feel anything towards me which is a lie because he wants to keep me safe so I avoid him to save the heartbreak. Soon he find out that I died on a mission and breaks down until they realise I haven't died and confesses his feelings.. sweet fluff and angst would be wonderful... thankyou <3 - @sammat97

You pulled your face away from your microscope to record your findings. Your attention drifted away from your research and up to Spock standing across the room, reviewing some data. He stood perfectly still, completely focused. When he turned around you went back to your work, removing the slide and pretending you hadn’t been watching him.

It wasn’t until he started walking towards the door that you spoke up, “Spock, do you have any plans for this evening?”

“I don’t.”

“Well, in that case,” you put in a new slide. “Would you like get a drink with me?” You hesitated a second, and then clarified, “On a date.”

“I don’t believe that would be a good idea.”

“Oh.”

“It would be inappropriate, as I am your boss.”

You nodded a little too quickly. “I understand.”

He nodded like he was saying “good” and left, leaving you to wallow in the aftermath of the conversation.

“Tell me again how you hit your head?” Bones said, shining a light in your eyes.

“There’s only so many times you can laugh.”

“I’m pretty sure this is an endless source of amusement.” He swapped the light for a tricorder. “I just don’t understand what the cactus was for.”

“If you don’t already know, then I can’t tell you,” you smirked.

He shook his head. “I’m sure Chekov had it coming, but, come on, he’s just a kid.”

“He knew what he was getting into.”

“I’m a little scared to see how you get even when you’re not stuck in space.”

“Let’s hope you never find out,” you smiled.

“Are you warning me to stay on your good side?” As he stepped off to the side, you saw Spock walking through the sickbay doors and your face fell.

“I should be going.” You dropped down from the exam table.

“We’re in the middle of an exam.”

“And now we’re at the end of one.” You patted his arm. “If I vomit I’ll come back.”

“You better,” he called after you as you darted from the room.

“Hey.” You barely glanced up from your station as Phillips passed by. You held up a PADD as he came to a halt. “Could you take this to the Commander for me? It’s the report for yesterday’s mission.”

“You want me to take that to him?” His tone made you look up.

“Yes. I’m busy. You don’t seem to be.” You turned back to your work. “It’s called teamwork, Phillips.”

“I know what teamwork is.” He took the PADD from you and folded it under his arm. “It’s just weird that you’re passing up a chance to see your precious Spock.”

“I have a lot to do. If you’re planning on making fun of me for my feelings, could you hold off until my shifts over? Or at least give me back the report so I can take it to him?” Without looking up at him again, you held your hand out.

“No, no, I’ll take it.” As he left the lab, you heard him add, “Someone’s testy today” under his breath.

Readjusting in your seat, you switch your PADD from your right hand to your left. Your peaceful reading was interrupted every couple minutes by Bones grumbling and scoffing from the other side of the table.

“If it upsets you that much, stop reading it,” you suggested, scrolling down the story displayed on your screen.

“It’s a classic.” He fell silent again. But it was short lived.

“Leonard,” you said interrupting his string of complaints. “I’m not going to sit here and listen to grouch about the inaccuracy of a book written in 1818 by an 18 year old. If you want accuracy, read a medical journal.”

“1816.”

You looked at him over your PADD. “What?”

“Mary Shelley wrote Frankenstein in 1816. It was published in 1818.”

“My point still stands.” You returned your attention to your story.

“It’s a classic,” he said again, only this time he sounded as if he was trying to convince himself that that was a good enough reason to continue reading.

You glanced back up at him, shaking your head. Out of the corner of your eye, you caught a glimpse of Spock talking to Scotty a few tables away.

“I should get to work,” you muttered, switching your screen off.

“What?” Bones looked up at you. “Your shift doesn’t start for another hour.”

“Uh.” You hesitated on your way to getting to your feet. “Early bird gets the worm?”

You backed away returning his suspicious expression with an almost apologetic one.

Just as you were getting settled on the couch, your bell rang. With a sigh, you got back up and walked over to the door. When you opened it, you saw Bones standing in front of you.

“Hey. What’s up?” you said with a forced casualness.

“Can I come in?”

“I’m not letting you in here so you can criticize the way I live.” He held up a bottle of whiskey. “Is that booze? Nevermind, Come in.”

He followed you back into the room and sat down on the couch while you went to get some glasses.

“You know, you bringing alcohol is almost sure sign that you came to criticize the way I live, but I don’t really care.” You sat next to him and set the glasses on the coffee table. “Free booze is free booze.”

“It is not a sure sign of anything other than that I have whiskey.” He poured your drink.

“Last time you told me I overwork myself because I have a fear of being unuseful and that I put too much emphasis on other people’s validation.”

“That’s not criticism. That’s concern for your well being.”

“A rose by any other name.” You took a sip. “So what is it this time?”

“Your boy troubles.”

You coughed, “My what?”

“Spock,” Bones said, “I’m all for avoiding him, but it’s a little out of character for you.”

“I was really hoping you’d be too oblivious to notice,” you muttered.

He raised an eyebrow. “You’re kidding, right? Even Spock noticed and that man wouldn’t notice behavioral changes if they came into the room screaming. So, tell me what that mean green elf did.”

“He didn’t do anything,” you mumbled, picking at the couch cushion. “I told him.”

“Clearly it went very well.”

“Oh, just grand. He rejected me, I embarrassed myself. Such a good time. Wish I could do it everyday.”

“I can’t believe he rejected you,” surprise laced his words, but you passed it off as the usual sentiment that no one should ever reject one of his best friends.

“Very politely too.”

“Bastard.”

You snorted, leaning back against the couch and propping your feet up on the coffee table. “Everytime I see him I want to crawl in a hole and die. Or at least just lay face down on the floor for a few years.”

“The man’s an idiot and you can do much better.” He looked at you. “But you can’t keep avoiding him.”

“Oh, yes I can. I’m no quitter. I’ll keep this up ‘til I die.”

“Sir, we’ve lost contact with the landing party,” Uhura informed the captain.

“I want them back on this ship now!” Kirk demanded.

“Aye, Captain,” the technician said over the communicator.

The whole bridge fell silent as they waited with baited breath, the shouts of their fellow crew members on the planet below echoing in their minds.

“Sir, I’ve got them, but we’re one short.”

Kirk sighed. “Thank you, Ensign. I’ll be down in a moment.”

He put his hands on the armrests and pushed himself to his feet. Spock followed him into the lift. They rode down to the transporter in silence.

When they got there, Kirk scanned the defeated faces of the team, trying to see who was missing.

“What happened to (Y/L/N)?” Spock asked, before Kirk had the chance to.

“They didn’t make it.”

“They got caught in the cross fire.”

“How many people were there?” Kirk ask.

“Jim, I need to get them to the sickbay. You can read about it in their reports later.”

“Yes, of course. I want you all to stop by my ready room when you’re done for a debriefing.”

The team filed out of the room with the help of the nursing staff and Bones. Kirk turned to Spock and for a moment he could have sworn he saw a flicker of emotion. But it was gone long before Kirk could be sure what it was or even that he had seen it.

“If you’ll excuse me, Captain, I have some things to attend to.”

Kirk gestured towards the door and Spock nodded once and left.

It took Kirk a moment to leave himself. He felt like he was rooted to the spot, but eventually he was able to tear his gaze away from the transporter pad you hadn’t arrived on and get back to work. He was only able to focus for a good ten minutes before his curiosity about Spock started to grow. It wasn’t long before he could no longer get any work done. Abandoning his post, he went to search for him.

When he reached his quarters, a small, muffled voice told him to come in. The room was dark, lit primarily by the computer screen sitting on the desk. Behind the computer was Spock’s face, scrunched up with eyes glistening.

“This is what you had to attend to?” Kirk asked, crossing the room to the desk, “Crying in the dark?”

“I am not crying.”

“This is a little unusual for you,” he said, ignoring Spock’s previous statement and sitting down on the edge of the desk. “This isn’t because of (Y/N), is it?”

“I would prefer not to talk about it.”

“It’s ok if it is. You cried when I died,” Kirk pointed out. “Crying about the death of someone you care about is natural.”

“Vulcans do not cry,” Spock sniffed.

“You’re half human.”

“I don’t know why you insist on reminding me of that.”

“I’m sorry, I can see you’re very sensitive right now. I was just trying to explain that you have a right to be upset about this.”

“I’m sure that you believe you’re being helpful, but I would much rather you simply left me alone.”

“Alright, if that’s what you want.” Kirk slid off of the desk. “But listen, take as much time as you need. We can make do without you for awhile.”

“Spock.” Kirk poked his head out into the hall. “Get in here a second.”

Spock stared at him for a second, before finally complying and walking though the sickbay door Kirk was hanging out off.

There were few things left that could truly surprise Spock, but the sight of you sitting on a biobed smiling and nodding along to the lecture Bones was giving you definitely did. You were bruised and battered, but most certainly alive.

“If you ever pull this shit again, I’ll hang ya from the rafters,” Bones threatened.

“Oh, no you will not.” The way you smiled around the words pulled Spock forward as he fought off a smile of his own.

“(Y/N)?” You turned your head at the sound of your name. “We were told you were dead.”

“I supposed it did seem that way.” your smile faded slightly, “But I’m alive as can be.”

“I see that. I just don’t understand how.”

You shrugged. “It’s a long story.”

“I’m going to go get the dermal regenerator.” Bones put a hand on your arm. “I’ll be a couple minutes.” He gave you a look that told you you had better use those couple of minutes wisely.

You smiled at him and he left along with Kirk.

“Are you alright?” Spock asked once you were alone.

“Just fine.” You tugged down the sleeve of your uniform that Bones had pulled up earlier to inspect a cut along your forearm.

“You do not look fine.”

“It’s nothing we all haven’t dealt with before,” you said dismissively.

“Most of us have not been thought to be dead.”

“No,” you chuckled, “I guess you haven’t. Still not any cause for concern.”

“Your dying is certainly cause for concern.”

“You do seem oddly concerned for a Vulcan.” You looked up at him for the first time since the conversation had started. “Especially a Vulcan who didn’t want much to do with me a month ago.”

“You are the one who has been avoiding me. I simply said that us getting romantically involved would be a mistake.”

“Might have something to do with why I was avoiding you,” you muttered.

“The fact that we both wish to make a mistake that would over complicate our professional relationship does not give you the right to avoid me. That was incredibly juvenile. Not to mention unprofessional.” He took a few steps so that he was directly in front of you.

You waved a hand. “Yeah, I’m a real child. Did you say both?”

“I did.”

Wincing, you got up so that you were more level with him and stared at him through narrowed eyes. “So you have feelings for me?”

“That seems to be the case.” He watched you apprehensively, like he was worried you would topple over at any moment.

You smiled, “Good.”

#spock #spock imagine #spock x reader #star trek imagine

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