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drconstellation · 4 months

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Come Back When You Can Make A Whale

This is going to contain some speculation for S3, so you know what to do! Or not do!

SITIS: What did God say? JOB: Um... I'm not sure. I didn't understand much. Things too wonderful for me. Ostriches came into it. SITIS: Ostriches? JOB: And whales. God's very proud of the whale. Went into some detail about... how great whales are. SITIS: But did They explain? JOB: [shakes head] I think the point was, if you want answers, come back when you can make a whale.

Whales, huh?

If you aren't well read, this could be quite the misdirection. It should be reasonably obvious, given who is doing the talking - Job - what he is actually referring to, then we can join a couple of dots to make some speculative leaps.

You still with me?

No? Then let us start with how do you make a whale?

By giving it another name.

Leviathan.

Chapter 41 of the Book of Job is all about the Leviathan, a great sinuous sea serpent with impenetrable scales and breath like fire. It sleeps beneath the sea until the end of days. Over time it came to be associated with any sea monster, then anything large, and what is the largest animal ever known to have lived? The whale.

The top of the matchbox is also worth a look. We have a skull and crossbones, which is classic Memento mori symbolism, fitting in with the resurrection theme of the Second Coming - but look at the way the address of the pub is spelt! Now, this not the same way it is spelt on the record single Maggie gives to Aziraphale; Goatgate is spelt as one word, not two. A little bit of searching reveals the meaning behind this fictional address that backs up and reinforces the quote on the side of the matchbox.

Strong's Concordance for 66 gives us "wild, savage, fierce." Goatgate is an interesting one, because it turns out to be a relatively modern term from the urban dictionary, and I'm just going to refer to the polite version of it here - it's another word for "mouth." So 66 Goatgate is a "fierce and savage mouth." Yes, that does sound about right - in more ways than one, once you know who it is. (If you want to look up the impolite version, go ahead - I'm sure you will still find the connotations very amusing.)

Our metaphorical Leviathan is Crowley. He gave the game away at the end of S1 during the appearance-swap.

This also means Aziraphale is his counterpart, Behemoth. Why - well, I made a bit of joke in my post here that he was playing at being a "river horse" while he wallowed in the bath of holy water during his part of the appearance-swap scene. Modern day scholars think the description of Behemoth in the Bible may be that of a hippopotamus in real life history. If that is so, I'd still be betting this is what the "dark horse" comment from Nina in S2E1 is foreshadowing.

Maybe none of this new to you if you've been hanging around the the fandom for a while. That's fine, I'm just trying to establish the scene. And the next bit we need to talk about is this one, where Job gets a lecture from God.

During this sequence, we hear lines that come from Job 38 and 39.

GOD: Job, if you have questions for me, I have questions for you. Do you know how I created the earth? Where were you when I laid the foundations of the earth, Job? Were you there when all the morning stars sang together and all the Angels shouted for joy?

These lines are paraphrasing some of the beginning of Job 38.

Then we have:

GOD: Do you know the rules of the heavens? Did you set the constellations in the sky? Can you send lightning bolts and get them to report back to you? Did you give wings to peacocks, Job, or teach the ostrich to run?

These lines are again, paraphrasing Job, half from 38 and half from 39.

So then, we need to ask, why highlight these lines in particular?

Job 38 is mainly about setting the boundaries of the universe around us. The Earth might seem impossibly huge to a human, but it started with a single stone at its foundation. Earth and the other planets obey certain laws as they move around the Sun. The patterns of the stars in the sky take so long to change that it seems like they are set and inconstant. Even the chaotic form of lightning respects its Creator and returns to its point of origin.

From the last part of Chapter 38 to the end of 39 God challenges Job with a list of animals. The theme here is about freedom and wildness. Whether it is a noble lion, a loathsome crow, a nimble mountain goat, the head-strong wild ox or the willing war horse, they all flourish upon the Earth under the sight of the Almighty. Even the mightiest and most fierce beasts of all, Behemoth and Leviathan, have a place, although only God has the means to control those two.

None of this needs a human to be involved. We are so often the center of our own universe, and try so hard to control every aspect of the world around us that we lose sight of the bigger picture. Shit happens. Some things are out of our control. That doesn't mean its your fault and you're wicked and damned to go to Hell because of it. And that was the point God was trying to make to Job. The world is a far bigger, wilder and chaotic than you can imagine, but its also incredibly beautiful, and it runs itself within the rules and limits that seem to be set by invisible forces you can't see.

So back to the script from the show.

The first set of questions from God could apply to both of the duo. They were both around when Earth was created and were more than likely there when the "morning stars" (the highest angels, such as Lucifer, Gabriel, Michael and angel!Beelzebub) sang together.

The second set of questions are the ones that seem to have got the most attention so far, with ops cross-matching them to things Crowley does in S2.

Do you know the rules of the heavens?

Did you set the constellations in the sky?

Can you send lightning bolts and get them to report back to you?

Did you give wings to peacocks, Job...

(I make a suggestion this has something to do with Michael, but also see comments below)

...or teach the ostrich to run?

The first three of those questions are fairly straight forward, and I doubt many would dispute what they are referring to. But the reference to the peacock and the ostrich are more subtle and curious, and I would like to take a moment to look at the actual verse - because it is only one verse that is providing both questions - that is being paraphrased here.

Job 39:13 Gavest thou the goodly wings unto the peacocks? or wings and feathers unto the ostrich?

Did you realize that the King James Version of the Bible is the only one that mentions peacocks in this particular verse? All the other versions mentions the first sentence of that verse in relation to the wings of ostriches: "The wings of the ostrich wave proudly." The ostrich is considered a cruel and witless bird in the Bible, pleased with the way it looks, and seemingly careless about its young.

Why does that sound familiar...

Shax thinks this ostrich feather-clad angel in disguise isn't too smart either.

So using the peacock line is a curious choice in the script. Other than the "eyes" in the tail of the peacock having a connection to Michael's many watchful eyes on the world, it's still not clear how Crowley helped them upwards. Unless both lines are supposed to refer to Gabriel, and how the vain peacock was helped to both fly and run to a distant location in the stars.

Edit: Since I first wrote this, @beebopboom pointed me to some more peacock lore, and this helped me delve a bit deeper into them. Peacocks were associated with wealth and royalty, but they were also associated with immortality in early Christian beliefs. There was a belief that the flesh of the peacock did not decay after its death. The bright colours in its tail came from its eating venomous snakes, which reminded people of Christ becoming sin for humanity's sake (think of Crowley downing the laudanum to save Elspeth from Hell in the crypt in 1827, its a similar action.) The "eyes" on the males tail also represented the all-seeing eye of God. So we have a connection with both royalty and resurrection here.

(Oh - just as an interesting connection here - a number of the newer versions of the Bible not only don't mention the peacock in this verse, they compare the ostrich to the stork! The meaning is meant to be that the stork cares more for their young than the ostrich, but if you read the words at face value, you could take a double meaning away...)

Let us return to questions, answers, and whales.

Questions. Always questions. It's like the proverbial toddler who's always asking a never-ending string of "but, why?" for funsies and you just want them to shut up for a moment and think about the last thing you said first. They, too, are a bit like Job. They are the center of their own universe at that age, having not had much experience of the world. They have no grasp of how far it extends beyond them, and how little even we as adults know.

If at this point you're going "oh, no, no, no, no, op, please don't tell me the point of this meta is it's all ineffable," relax. I'm not.

The point was to set you up for some nice, juicy, awesomely sweet S3 speculation.

Because I believe Crowley will finally get to ask his questions of God.

(oh lordy, I made the mistake of taking a break to have a shower before trying to finish this off, because I was having trouble seeing how to finish this in a tidy way, and that caused me to have "shower thoughts" and now the nice sweet simple speculation has turned into a slightly bat-shit crazy kind-of one, although still on the same track as what I was originally thinking. Here goes...)

We have this three card spread from waaay back at the beginning of S1. We all think its something to do with the three babies.

What if its not?

Because we need something like this to happen again - Aziraphale and Crowley either side of a third protagonist. What if it's the King of Kings, Love personified, Jesus, in the middle? (Or Adam again, I wouldn't discount that option either...)

If you would look at the GIF and the screenshot together again and go, well that makes, sense, white for the angel on the right, and green for the demon on the left, I would jump up and shout at you - NO!

Look at the cards again! In the Tarot, that's the Ace of Swords on the right - it belongs to Aziraphale. It's a very powerful card, about new beginnings and change.* Lets call the one of the left Knight of Wands, which also represents the element of Fire. Knights are all about movement and journeys. Who owns the Bentley? And look what Gabriel has instinctively done with his hands - he has held his screen-left hand out to Aziraphale, the Sword, the angel who wears green, and his right hand out to Crowley, the Knight of Fire. The yin and yang qualities are actually swapped. That was what I was trying to tell you in this post. They aren't as obvious as they seem at first glance.

And love is the answer, it turns out. Did you see my comment the other day on another post? In Strong's Concordance 25 = to love.

Anyway, we should get a third parallel scene somewhat like this, and like when Aziraphale and Crowley took Adam out of time to talk to him in S1.

Only this time the three of them (with who ever is in the middle) should be having a talk with God about what is or isn't supposed to happen.

JOB: I think the point was, if you want answers, come back when you can make a whale.

Crowley could be a literal serpent (though I would be very surprised if he did manifest that way) but it should be a metaphorical Leviathan that stands before the Almighty to ask his questions and get his answers. And it will be that he has earned the right to be there, because he finally understands the lessons of Job.

@makewayforbigcrossducks I hope this answers one of your questions

*The Ace of Swords speaks of new beginnings, but it is a two-edged sword that can cut both ways. It is strength in adversity, victory out of struggle, good out of evil, a change in the old order on the way.

#good omens #good omens 2 #good omens meta #crowley #aziraphale #job minisode #book of job #leviathan #behemoth #i only ever asked questions #come back when you can make a whale #gabriel #shax #did you give wings to peacocks?#teach the ostrich to run #king of kings #king of hearts #yin to his yang

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yukimiyaz · 1 year

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INSUFFERABLE

todoroki touya x gn!reader

includes: dabi is a shameless flirt lol. brief dire mention bc he’s a dumbass. you fall for his antics

notes: he’s so. dumb. i hate him lol

Sometimes you envy the students whose professors’ lock their doors as soon as class starts.

The ones that provide that immediate punishment for the students who don’t care enough to show up on time, not giving them so much as a minute past the beginning of lecture to slip in. If they’re late they miss, it’s nothing more than a product of their carelessness and they deserve it.

Sadly, your biology professor is not one of those people.

Which is fine for your peers who rush in only five, ten, hell—even fifteen minutes late. Their hair wet from just getting out of the shower or clothes wrinkled from having just rolled out of their cramped dorm bed because they forgot to set their alarm. You can understand that; empathize with the plague that is eight a.m. classes.

Who you absolutely cannot empathize with is the guy who sits next to you. The one who walks in not ten, not twenty, no—thirty minutes late at the very least into lecture, and doesn’t give two shits about not being disruptive. Lets the door slam shut behind him and his scuffed combat boots stomp heavily down the aisle and shuffle with an unneeded amount of noise before plopping down in the chair next to you.

He’s simply insufferable, truly. With his box dye black hair and chipped fingernail polish and the intricate canvas of tattoos that sweeps from his jaw down his arms and disappears somewhere below the ridge of his perfectly carved collar bones that look absolutely—whatever. He’s annoying. That’s the point here. And today is, of course, no different.

“Hey, dollface,” Dabi smirks as he sits down, then immediately scrapes his chair over to you. You think today is a new record, a whole forty-one minutes late. You wonder why he even bothered to show up at all.

You don’t address him, not at first. You merely send over a half assed side glance as a form of acknowledgement. That is, until something glimmering catches your eye. (Something that isn’t the piercings or rings you’ve become accustomed to over the past month).

“Why do you have that?” You half whisper-half hiss at him, staring down at the object twirling around his fingers.

“What? ‘S just a lighter.” He flicks it open to show you, as if you couldn’t tell before, then snaps it right back shut.

You roll your eyes, turn your attention back to your professor. Just fifteen more minutes and you’re out of here and far away from him. “Obviously.” You sigh, bounce your leg subtly. “Don’t light that in here.”

And you don’t think you should really have to say that, and you don’t know why there’s an unease bubbling in your stomach due to his presence—but you do and it’s there. And it only increases as you catch the smirk slicing deeper across his face out of the corner of your eye.

“Or what?” Dabi questions, scrapes his chair even closer to you, opens the lighter again. “Whatcha gonna do about it, doll?”

“Seriously don—“

“Oops,” he grins, wide and cheeky as his thumb flicks the lighter on. He’s holding it up, like he doesn’t give a shit whether the professor catches him with it or not. Like he has no worry for the trouble it could cause.

“What’re you—stop that.” You can’t believe him, seriously, and the audacity he has for disregarding basic rules. “If you get caught with that inside you could get fined.”

“Pfft, please.” And this time it’s his turn to roll his eyes at you, scoffing under his breath. “You have to be a student here to get fined.”

You blink at him. Once, twice. “Huh?”

“What?” He hums, waves his finger over the flame disinterestedly, not even looking to make sure he doesn’t hold it over it too long and burn himself. “I don’t have to worry about stupid ass fines.”

“Yeah, but—what do you mean you aren’t a student here?”

Your lecture is long forgotten, your professor’s voice fading out into static as you stare at the man beside you. That uneasiness in your stomach is twisting, stirring around in a way that’s a little uncomfortable. Because sure, you knew the guy was a little odd. But not being a student? Showing up to your classes all the time? Hanging around campus? What if he’s some sort of creep, or stalker, or—

“Woah there, sweetheart. It’s not what you’re thinking, I'm not some freak or anything. My dad’s the uni president. I get to sit in on whatever classes I want for free. No need to alert the authorities.”

Oh.

Your cheeks heat up, a flush rising so fast as well as the want to hide under the table. Silly you, of course he wouldn’t be some creep. I mean, he might be a tad creepy, but that’s not necessarily a crime.

(He’d be a cute creep, you think. Then mentally tell yourself to shut up).

“I wasn’t going to do that,” you huff, still looking at him. You aren’t sure why, but his eyes look particularly blue today; more than normal. Maybe it’s because you’re finally allowing yourself to look, a full proper look at your—sort of—peer. “For the record.”

“Sure,” Dabi chuckles, leans a little closer to you. His fingers mindlessly play with the necklace dangling around your throat. You don’t know why you let him. “So that wasn’t a total how do I discreetly call 911? expression then?”

“Definitely not,” you dismiss, tapping your pen to your notebook. “It was a man this guy’s so lame he goes to class in his free time expression.”

Dabi winces, an exaggerated thing that you hate to admit is a little charming. “Ouch, lame? You wound me, dollface. Right in the heart.”

“You’ll live.” And it’s minute, a little twitch of your lips before you can catch yourself, but it’s there. And Dabi catches it, pointing a finger annoyingly close to your face.

“Was that a smile, hm? Did I just make my little doll smile?” He teases, prods his finger into your cheek. If you had any idea where it’d been you might lean forward to bite it off.

“One,” you tut, pinching his digit between two of your own and pulling it away from your face. “I’m not your doll. And two, not a chance. You’re imagining things.”

“Oh no no, definitely not,” Dabi presses, devilish tilt to his mouth. “That was a smile. Finally falling for me, that it?”

“Uhm, excuse me—“

“Not now,” the man in front of you cuts off the person’s voice from behind, giving them a cold look, “We’re busy, thanks. Anyways, as I was—“

“Sorry, it’s just—“

“I said we’re busy,” Dabi grits, brows cutting deep as he snaps his head back over his shoulder. “Or did you not hear me?”

“I did, but—“

“What?!”

“Their jacket’s on fire.”

Whatever snark Dabi might’ve wanted to push out at your fellow classmate dissolves immediately as the both of you snap your eyes down. And sure enough, right where Dabi has his lighter open—the one you told him not to light—the edge of your jacket has just caught on fire.

“Oh shit,” Dabi curses, snapping the lighter shut and tugging it back from your jacket as he watches you frantically pat it out with a sleeve covered hand.

You’re successful—thank god you don’t burst entirely into flames—but the corner of your jacket (your favorite one, mind you) is now very obviously scorched. Your eyes snap up to meet cerulean blue and what little bit of uneasiness left in your stomach turns into a boiling fit of rage.

Completely disregarding the lecture (that you admittedly weren’t paying attention to anyways) you shove everything into your bag and get up from your seat to leave. You make your way out of the lecture hall absolutely fuming and don’t miss a single beat as you turn on your heel to yell at the man behind you as soon as the door shuts.

“You’re absolutely unbearable!” You grouse, jabbing your finger into Dabi’s chest. “Seriously! I can't believe you.”

“Oh c’mon. ‘M sorry! I didn’t mean to, it was just an accident—“

“I told you not to light it. But no,” you groan, and you seriously want to rip your hair out, or punch him, or something. “You just had to act like a tough guy. Mr. Too Cool To Be A Student Here. You lit me on fire!”

“I didn’t mean to! I said I was sorry!”

“I don’t care! I could’ve been burnt up in a crisp!”

“But you weren’t!” He defends. “It's not a big deal.”

“It is to me, this was my favorite jacket. You know, just because you’re hot and have some big shot dad doesn’t mean you can just do whatever you want!”

“Well obviously, because if I could do whatever I wanted then I'd be doing you!”

The both of you pause for a moment, catch your breaths through slightly labored pants as you stare at each other. It’s like the gears are turning in both your heads simultaneously, cogs clicking into place and smoke clearing in the workshop.

“Did you just admit you think I'm hot?”

“Did you just say you want to do me?”

A part of you wishes your jacket was still on fire, because at least then you could try to justify that as the reason your cheeks are suddenly burning. You turn your face away from him, adjust the bag slung over your shoulder. You’re thankful you’re the only two in the hallway, or else you’d probably die from embarrassment right now.

“Well, how ‘bout I make it up to you then?”

You let your gaze drift back up to meet Dabi’s, staring into tattoo and mascara framed eyes suspiciously. You narrow your vision, tip your head to the side as you watch that shitty (read: thigh clenching) smirk make its way back to his lips.

“And how do you plan on doing that?” You tense up a little as he takes a step closer to you and digs a pen out of your bag. Then he grips your wrist—gently, despite the firm hold—and scribbles across your palm.

“I’ll be outside your dorm at eight,” he grins, dropping the pen back into your bag when he’s done. “Wear something hot. ‘N I don’t mean the burnt kind.”

You shove his shoulder at the remark, glancing down at your palm to see what you’re guessing is his phone number. “Asshole.”

He simply catches your wrist again, tugs you close enough that he has perfect range to dip down and kiss your cheek. And if you weren’t flushing before you certainly are now, eyes going wide against your will as you watch him let go of you and take backward steps away. He throws you a wink, chuckles when he sees you snap out of it and scoff at him.

“Insufferable!” You call after him. And you don’t try to hide your smile this time. Don’t try to veil your expressions.

“Irresistible!” He corrects, sticking his tongue out and making a corny call me gesture with his hand when you flip him off.

And you wonder if you should wear your scorched jacket tonight simply to spite him.

#yukimiyaz writing #dabi x reader #todoroki touya x reader #bnha x reader #mha x reader

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communistkenobi · 2 months

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im an undergrad student who was thinking about specializing in studying fascist movements in North America for my masters and ive really enjoyed reading your book commentary - you connect things that I'm not always aware of in ways that are really comprehensive and appreciate

Do you know of any researchers who are moving things on the topic right now (most of the books ive read are around 20+ years old, unfortunately)?

(sorry if any of this is unclear/grammatically incorrect/weirdly worded - I'm super sick rn)

thank you! I'm really glad to hear that :)

For contemporary writing, I'm currently working through some of Alberto Toscano's work - he has a really interesting article from 2021 on fascism from a Black radical/Marxist perspective where he summarizes various historical analyses of fascism from Black (particularly US) thinkers and activists. One thing I especially appreciate is that he complicates Aime Cesaire's formulation of fascism (i.e., "european colonialism come home") as incomplete when applied to settler colonial contexts, especially the United States - one of Cesaire's articulations of fascism is that (to paraphrase) "one fine day, the prisons begin to fill up, the Gestapo gets busy" and so on, and Toscano, working through Angela Davis and George Jackson, responds with (again I'm paraphrasing) "the prisons are already full! The Gestapo is already here!" etc. Toscano also has a new book that just came out in 2023 called Late Fascism, which explicitly addresses the current moment. I only have a physical copy of that so I can't share a pdf unfortunately, and I still need to get around to reading it lol.

These are also a couple random articles I found insightful:

Carnut (2022). Marxist Critical Systematic Review on Neo-Fascism and International Capital: Diffuse Networks, Capitalist Decadence and Culture War - does what it says on the tin

Daggett (2018). Petro-masculinity: Fossil Fuels and Authoritarian Desire - talks about car culture as a site of modern reactionary political movements, links climate denialism with (proto-)fascist movements

Parmigiani (2021). Magic and politics: Conspirituality and COVID-19 - this one does not mention fascism explicitly, but imo the intersection between new age spirituality, anti-vaccine sentiment, and qanon/q-adjacent conspiracies are pretty important to understanding contemporary fascist social movements, so I'd still recommend reading this

Finally, this isn't an article but I found this recorded lecture about the history of Qanon pretty interesting. I don't think the author gives particularly insightful answers on how to solve the problem of far right conspiracies in the Q&A portion but I found it to be a helpful summary

Otherwise I've been focusing a lot on decolonial scholarship more so than fascist scholarship - this is again guided by Cesaire's argument that Europe/The West broadly is inherently fascist. These works aren't contemporary, but you can look at this post for some of the readings I linked on decolonial scholarship if you want to go that route. Those are serving me more for theoretical frameworks to guide contemporary analysis, not analysis of contemporary events directly

also idk if I need to put this disclaimer, but just in case this leaves my blog: this isn't a full throated defense of/apology for everything in these articles, I'm not claiming they're sufficient to understanding the present moment, these are just some of the things I've been reading recently and have found helpful in some way or another. a lot of contemporary work I have read (much of which isn't linked here because I don't think its very good/do not have it on hand) focuses on populism and authoritarianism as central analytical terminology, which i think does a lot of work to exceptionalize and mystify fascism as a historical and political process/project originating from European colonialism & Western imperialism, but these terms are endemic to the field so you have to contend with them no matter what

good luck with your studies!

#asks #book club #i need a fascism tag i think lol. maybe ill make one later

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strayheartless · 3 months

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Okay let’s torture Zack today: ADHD PARALYSIS STYLE!

Getoutlfbedgetoutofbedgetoutofbedgetoutofbedgetupgetupgetupgetuplazazylazazylazy-

This has been going on for too long now. Why can’t he just get up, huh? Why does this have to be a fight every fucking time? Just get the fuck up dude!

He doesn’t move. Instead his thumb shifts to scroll past another video. He knows Angeals about to bang on the door and demand to know why he’s not out of bed; he knows it’s going to spark a lecture, and he knows his brain is going to feel like it’s been lit up like a firework just hearing anything other than silence. He’s not doing it on purpose. He knows he needs to move.

There’s a knock at the door, and that gets him moving. It doesn’t sound like Angeals knock, it’s too hesitant. Also nobody has walked in which means they don’t have a key…

He opens the door to Cloud who’s standing there looking a little unsure. “You good?” He gives Zack a once over, closing off a little at whatever he finds, pulling his scarf over his mouth in nervous habit.

“Yeah I’m fine why?” Zack blinks. What did he forget?

“We er, we were going to meet for lunch.” Cloud looked away from him, and Zack feels like a grade A asshole. “It’s okay if you changed your mind, it’s just- a text- I mean… a text would have- it’s fine.”

“Cloud I’m so sorry!” He cried trying to stumble around looking for clean cloths from the pile of washing that’s mixed with the dirty laundry on the chair. “I completely lost track. I’m- I- I’m reall-“

He hadn’t realised he’d started crying until Cloud makes him stop with a hand on his arm, and he takes a huge stuttering breath. Why does he keep doing this!? Why does he keep forgetting these things and then upsetting his best friend!

“Zack breath,” Cloud says, kind of commands actually.Zack stops and focuses a little more on taking some breaths.

“Good, that’s good. Just… did you forget or did that thing happen again?” Cloud asks and Zack holds up two fingers to indicate option 2.

“Okay,” Cloud sighs and tries a little smile that he only ever seems to give to Zack. “Okay, that’s fine. I’m sorry I shouldn’t have put that pressure on you. Do you want to eat here, or do you think you need to get moving to kickstart something?”

Zack took another breath and struttered “m-moving.”

“Okay, I’ll leave you to get dressed then. 300 second okay?”

“Okay.”

Once Cloud closes his door again Zack moves around the room like lightning. He shoves on a shirt that smells clean, does his belt, grabs his phone and wallet and shoves his feet in his shoes.

Outside Clouds holding Zack’s coat out already and helps him into it.

“283 seconds. New record.” He bumps his elbow into Zack’s side lightly, making the other man laugh breathily.

“Cloud I really am so-“

“Don’t. I know you are and you don’t have to apologise. I get that it’s hard for you.” Cloud cuts him off.

Zack just looks at him. How can one person hold so much acceptance in one tiny body? How can somebody who’s known him for no more than a year accept and help him in ways not even his parents could.

Cloud never makes Zack feel bad for this. he never gets mad at him, when he has every right to. All Cloud has ever done is occasionally been insecure himself and even then he changes his approach when Zack explains.

“I really love you, you know that right?” He asks, wrapping his arms around Cloud. “Like, a lot,”

Cloud blushes “shut up,” he says, leaning into the side hug.

He doesn’t say it back, but he doesn’t have to. Zack knows Cloud loves him to and that makes all the difference in the world.

#oh oops this was meant to be angst #oh well #here have some fluff #ffvii #cloud strife #zack fair #crisis core #zakkura #implied zakkura #can be read as platonic if you like

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the---hermit · 3 months

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16|01|2024

Yesterday I was way to tired to sit down and write my daily entry. I was quite nervous during the morning, and I am glad the exam was online. I managed to review quite well, and then my exam was fairly quick. I volountiered to be the first to be tested, and the result was very satisfying. I honestly would have liked a bit mroe time to talk after spending so much studying, but it's fine. I think I got my chance to prove I did the job and not just a surfice level. I took the rest of the day off to rest and I treated myself to watching a few videos I was very much looking forward to (the first of the list being Bernadette Banner's yearly historical costumes in media review, which is one of my most anticipated things at the end of the year). As for today I moved on right away to working for my next exam at the beginning of February. I have two weeks and a half-ish, so I better get stuff done quickly, because it's a lot. Friday I should take the day off to spend time with a friend so I am looking forward to that. In the meantime I hope I'll stay motivated even if I couldn't take a break before starting to work for this exam

calm hobbit winter activities:

read first thing in the morning

worked on recorded philosophy lectures (one full lecture and a half, I was hoping to finish the second as well but it was way too dense and I was starting to feel unfocused)

got a new haircut (I needed to go back to shorter hair both because I wasn't feeling myself with my growing hair and because this way it super low effort which is precisely what I need right now)

daily Irish practice on duolingo

📖: A Day Of Fallen Night by Samantha Shannon (I am going super slowly because I have no time nor energies other than in the morning but I am enjoying the story so far, I just wish I could properly dive into the book)

#studyblr #studyinspo #uniblr #university #journal #journaling #calm hobbit winter #studying #productivity #knife gang #mine #the---hermit

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queenshelby · 9 months

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Yes! Mr Murphy (Rewritten)

PART 22: THE AFTERMATH

Pairing: Cillian Murphy x Reader

Warning: Lots of Angst, Age Gap, Teacher x Student

YOUR POV

Over the next two weeks, you tried your best to get your life back in order and this started with speaking to the Dean of the school about your issues with James. You had this conversation twelve days ago, just before the commencement of the mid semester break and, of course, you did not mention the threat James made against you and Cillian to the principal of the school, but explained that, for the sake of your friendship with your fellow students, you needed James’s record to be cleared.

Unfortunatly for you, the school’s principal was not interested in what you had to say and referred you to your lecturer himself in order to address the issue at hand.

“Cillian’s email address is active until the end of the term so I suggest you email him about the report” he thus said as, according to him, only Cillian could withdraw his report as this was the school board’s policy.

“Well, thanks” you responded, essentially thanking the Dean for nothing before, indeed, making contact with Cillian via phone.

You texted him, telling him that you needed to talk about James and, unbeknownst to you, Cillian never read this text message which you sent him as Kit had secretly deleted it from his phone.

This was twelve days ago now and you had not heard from Cillian ever since, thinking that, just like an immature little boy, he was avoiding you at all cost.

***

Cillian avoided you by resigning from his position at the Gaity School of Acting and he also avoided you by having his friends Dermont and Connie bring Nina to her dance classes on Fridays and Saturdays.

As such, you knew that, following a two day court hearing, Cillian had finally received shared care for his daughter Nina, allowing him to see her every Thursday to Sunday and yet, not once, did he accompany Nina to her classes during those days.

On Thursday, Danielle would drop her off and Dermont or Connie would pick her up and take her to Cillian’s house and then, on Fridays, they brought her back for her one-on-one session which, to you, was absurd.

On Saturday, they would do the same and it was on this very same Saturday evening that your life would change forever.

“I cannot believe that he hates my guts so much that he is not even going to show his face at his own daughter’s dance classes?” you cursed once, making sure that only Connie could hear you while feeling rather unwell that particular day.

“He is in London actually, shooting a campaign and Nina is staying with us for two nights” Connie told you nicely but your emotions had gotten the better of you by this point.

“And how about the last however many lessons? Was he busy too?” you asked, seeing that Nina had five prior classes in the past twelve days during his days with her, preparing her for the finals in Cork in two weeks.

“To tell you the truth….no…he wasn’t busy, but I think that he is hurt and you shouldn’t take it personally Y/N” Connie explained but you simply shook your head, feeling like Cillian has been treating you unfairly, especially since Cillian never responded to your somewhat urgent text message about James.

In addition to that, you felt a little under the weather. Most days, you were nauseous and some days, you even felt lightheaded, the cause of which you believed to be all the stress factors in your life right now.

“How can I not take this personally?” you asked Connie before apologising to her. You had no intention to whine so much about your failed relationship in a place like this.

“I am sorry Connie, I shouldn’t have put you in the middle of this. None of this is your fault. It’s mine. I fucked up and now I need to concentrate on doing my job” you blubbered along while sweat was building on your forehead.

“You don’t look so good Y/N. Are you okay?” she asked, seeing that you were pale and sweaty just as your head began to spin again slightly.

“I am fine. I am just a little tired” you told Connie before telling her that you were going to get ready for class and check on Nina who, like always, took a while with binding her shoes.

***

Just as you disappeared however, you felt another bound of nausea come on and retreated into the lavatory again, but at least this time, you did not have to throw up.

You splashed some water on to your face while holding on to the sink and looking into the mirror, seeing a girl that, once again, felt rather lost.

You had been there before, many times over, but this time around, it was different as your body sent mixed signals to your brain.

You felt out of balance and you most certainly felt hurt, taking a moment to think about him again.

Cillian was the man you cried over every night since you broke up and forgetting about him felt like a battle you could not win as, at least in your mind, there was never a creature more beautiful than him.

His eyes were the kind that, with a single look, could force one to stop in the middle of a sentence and remain mesmerized. They were blue like the sky on a sunny day, but much more expressive. His hands were strong, but when they stroked your cheeks, you felt nothing except softness.

When you were with Cillian, you saw man who appreciated the arts as much as you did and he believed in the freedom to create his own path. He was a man with a strong mind who even cared about debating topics like politics, yet had the audacity to expose the shallowness of it all.

He was intelligent and kept you on your toes and you loved every rousing second of it as no one ever challenged you intellectually before.

Falling for him was not tough and, unlike with James, the silence between you and Cillian on occasion spoke volumes. You just understood and your connection and your love was something that never needed to be talked about because, like the oxygen surrounding you, you just knew it was there. He knew everything about you other than your age and you thought you knew everything about him as well until now, which is when he treated you in a way you never believed to be possible.

You had your heart broken by him and are now picking up the pieces, crying again, in front of the mirror while playing with the necklace he gave you.

You still wore it every day and, just as you held onto it and took in a deep breather, you heard a familiar voice from behind you.

“Y/N, are you okay?” Nina asked as she stood next to you, looking at you with concern before admiring your necklace.

“Yes, I am fine. We probably should get started, shouldn’t we?” you said nicely while smiling at her.

“That’s okay. I don’t mind starting a little later. I have all the time in the world” Nina told you before looking more closely at your necklace and noticing the engraving.

“Did you know that this is a reference made by John Lennon?” she then said before looking at the initial “Cx” on the bottom of the heart shaped pendant which was something that made your mind tick over for a second or two.

“Yoko Ono, actually. I think she came up with it” you told Nina, surprised by the fact that she knew about music from this era before telling her that the necklace was a gift.

“From a boyfriend?” she asked, causing you to chuckle.

“No. Maybe. I don’t know. We were something I suppose” you told her, which is when she told you that her father loves the Beatles and makes her listen to them all the time, hence the reason she knew about the quote.

“The Beatles are great and I actually have a song from the Beatles for your next solo, if you are interested” you then told her and, of course, Nina was keen which is when you asked her to join you on stage.

Cillian’s POV

Over the past two weeks and even until his arrival in London, Cillian too tried to come to terms with the break up from you but, unlike your actions, his actions had become a little more destructive.

Destructiveness though was not something that was a usual reaction for him and it was this destructiveness that concerned his friends Dermont and Connie.

Dermont and Connie took turns taking Nina to dancing with them, knowing that Cillian struggled with the idea of seeing you there. He was lost within his own world of emotions and pain and it was this pain that had become a problem for him.

For almost two weeks, he did not leave the house unless his children forced him to and neither of them knew what was going on. They were both worried about him as well and, luckily for Nina in particular, Dermont came around occasionally to check on Cillian when he had not heard from him for a while.

“Still hibernating?” he thus asked on a Thursday afternoon while Connie was at dance class with Nina and their twin girls.

“What do you want, man?” Cillian asked, snapping at his best friend without any reason whatsoever while Dermont picked up a pile of dirty clothes form the floor and threw them into the dirty wash basket.

“What I want is for you to get out of the house and get this pigsty cleaned up before Nina comes to stay with you tonight” Dermont said with concern as he had never seen his friend in this kind of shape before. Even when he broke up from Danielle, he managed just fine but, now, he did not.

“Just fuck off man and leave me alone” Cillian though said, being frustrated by the constant criticism from his friend who, in the end, went as far as to organise a cleaner for him.

“No, I am not going to fuck off! You are coming with me while this mess gets sorted out. Now come and get dressed” Dermont ordered before pulling the gaming controller away from Cillian’s hands and throwing a t-shirt and a pair of jeans at him, hitting him in the face with both.

“Fuck man, I almost…” Cillian spat, seeing that he almost cracked the next level in his game, which is when Dermont interrupted him.

“I don’t care. Get your ass of the couch now!” he told him before picking up the front door key and, on the way out of his apartment, leaving it with the doorman for the cleaner to use.

***

With that, Dermont took Cillian to a place they had not been to for a while, namely the pub and, whilst Dermont monitored his friend’s alcohol intake, as little as two pints of Guinness got him talking.

Cillian talked about everything, for the first time since the break up from you and he admitted to his friend just how much he struggled with it.

“I miss her so much it fucking hurts” he said as, deep down inside, he was looking forward to talking to you and seeing you every day as this had been the plan before he found out about your age.

“And you can’t see past her age?” Dermont thus asked and Cillian shook his head. He had to be realistic about his feelings for you and knew that, something like this, would never work out. He was almost 23 years older than you and this was something that, in his mind, could not possibly last.

He was done with having children and had no desire to get married again but, at 23 years old, he believed that you probably had no idea about what you want in life while, yet, he missed you an awful lot.

In fact, he missed you so much that, every night when he tried to go to sleep, he remembered you as your scent still lingered on his pillow which, for the past two weeks, he had refused to wash.

In addition to that, Cillian would often scroll through the photos of you on his phone which he could not bring himself to delete. Seeing your smile in most of them was precious to him and it made him remember how much he loved listening to the sound of your laughter.

Cillian too missed that, when he would go to look at you, you were already looking at him first and, whilst every day, he tried to convince himself that he does not want you anymore, he just could not let go.

In his mind, he did not want to see you move on, but he was not doing anything about it either as he knew that he had to give you up. To him, you were his angel in human flesh. You were too much for him and, yet, he could not get enough of you and this feeling was killing him, knowing that you deserved much more from life than he could ever give you.

With that, tears built up in the corner of his eyes again and when it was time to go to meet Nina, Dermont asked whether he would be okay for the next few days.

“Connie and I can help with Nina this weekend, you know. You just need to say” he thus offered but Cillian shook his head.

“Thank you, but no. I will take Nina to London with me tomorrow for the weekend. She will enjoy that. Kit is coming too and, when I am working on the commercial, they can go shopping or something” Cillian explained to his friend who thought that this was a good idea until, when Cillian and him met Connie and Nina at Cillian’s apartment, Nina had a fall out with her father about it.

According to Nina, she could not travel with him to London as, in two weeks, she was dancing at the finals in Cork. As such, Nina knew that she had to train and prepare for it and this, to Cillian, did not make much sense.

“You don’t have a choice, Nina. I have to work in London and your mother is on holidays” Cillian argued which is when Connie stepped in and pulled Cillian aside, offering for Nina to stay with her and Dermont for two nights.

“Listen dad, you will have me for two entire weeks now as mum is away. Just let me stay with Connie and Dermont for two nights while you fly to London for work” Nina argued, having overhead the conversation and realising her father’s reluctance to let her stay with his friends.

“Fine. If this is what you want” he though said nonetheless and this excited Nina, seeing that she was good friends with Dermont’s daughters.

“You are the best dad” she then said while giving him a hug.

“If you say so” Cillian chuckled in response before attempting to cancel the third room he had booked for Nina as, now, it was only him and his assistant Kit travelling to London.

#cillian murphy #cillian murphy smut #cillian murphy x reader #cillian murphy imagine #cillian murphy x y/n #cillian murphy x you #cillian murphy fanfiction #cillian murphy fanfic

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etz-ashashiyot · 14 days

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So what’s the modern interpretation of the laws about keeping slaves? I’ve heard that said laws where a lot more kind to slaves then the surrounding nations but, like, it’s still slavery?

Hi anon,

With Pesach coming up, I'm sure that this question is on a lot of people's minds. It's a good question and many rabbanim throughout history have attempted to tackle it. Especially today, with slavery being seen as a moral anathema in most societies (obviously this despite the fact that unfortunately slavery is still a very real human rights crisis all over the world), addressing the parts of the Torah that on the surface seem to condone it becomes a moral imperative.

It's worth noting that the Jewish world overall condemns slavery. In my research for this question, I came across zero modern sources arguing that slavery is totally fine. I'm sure that if you dug deep enough there's some fringe wacko somewhere arguing this, but every group has its batshit fringe.

Here are some sources across the political and religious observance spectrum that explain it better than I could:

Chabad (this article is written by Rabbi Tzvi Freeman, a wonderful rabbi whose words I have learned deeply over the years. He is one of my favorite rabbis despite not seeing eye to eye with a lot of the Chabad movement)

Conservative (to be clear: this is my movement; it's not actually politically conservative in most shuls, just poorly named. We desperately need to bully them into calling themselves Masorti Olami like the rest of the world. It's [essentially] a liberal traditional egalitarian movement.)

Conservative pt. 2 (different rabbi's take)

Reform (note that this is from the Haberman Institute, which was founded by a Reform rabbi. Link is to a YouTube recording of a recent lecture on the topic.)

Chareidi (this rabbi is an official rabbi of the Western Wall in Israel, so in a word, very frum)

Modern Orthodox

I want to highlight this last one, because it is written by the Rosh Yeshiva of Yeshivat Chovevei, which is a progressive Modern Orthodox rabbinical school. They work very hard to read Torah through an authentically Orthodox lens while also maintaining deeply humanist values. As someone who walks a similar (if not identical) balancing act, this particular drash (sermon) spoke very deeply to me, and so I'm reposting it in its entirety**

[Edit: tumblr.hell seems real intent on not letting me do this in my original answer, so I will repost it in the reblogs. Please reblog that version if you're going to. Thanks!]

Something you will probably notice as you work your way through these sources, you'll note that there are substantially more traditional leaning responses. This is because of a major divide in how the different movements view Torah, especially as it pertains to changing ethics over time and modernity. I'm oversimplifying for space, but the differences are as follows:

The liberal movements (Reform, Renewal, Reconstructionist, etc.) view halacha as non-binding and the Torah as a human document that is, nevertheless, a sacred document. I've seen it described as the spiritual diary of our people throughout history. Others view it as divinely inspired, but still essentially and indelibly human.

The Orthodox and other traditional movements view halacha as binding and Torah as the direct word of G-d given to the Jewish people through Moshe Rabbeinu (Moses) on Mt. Sinai. (Or, at a minimum, as a divinely inspired text written and compiled by people that still represents the word of G-d. This latter view is mostly limited to the Conservative and Modern Orthodox movements.)

Because of these differences, the liberal movements are able to address most of these problematic passages by situating them in their proper historical context. It is only the Orthodox and traditional movements that must fully reckon with the texts as they are, and seek to understand how they speak to us in a contemporary context.

As for me? I'm part of a narrow band of traditional egalitarian progressive Jews that really ride that line between viewing halacha as binding and the Torah as divinely given, despite recognizing the human component of its authorship - more a partnership in its creation than either fully human invention or divine fiat. That said, I am personally less interested in who wrote it literally speaking and much more interested in the question of: How can we read Torah using the divinely given process of traditional Torah scholarship while applying deeply humanist values?

Yeshivat Chovevei does a really excellent job of approaching Torah scholarship this way, as does Hadar. Therefore, I'm not surprised that this article captures something I have struggled to articulate: an authentically orthodox argument for change.

#jumblr #Judaism #Torah #Jewish ethics #Jewish values #Jewish views on slavery

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projectbluearcadia · 4 days

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Top Ten Anime Betrayals I Guess

[ Trigger Warning - Intentional Poisoning via food/drink. Reader Discretion Advised. ]

Lucifer: Mmm... Where are you going?

Annelie flinches as Lucifer rolls over in bed to catch her with half her body out of bed.

Annelie: ...water?

Lucifer: You're not a good liar, Annelie. Why are you being so sneaky?

Annelie: Well... it's just, I think you'll follow me if you know where I'm going, so...

Lucifer: Is there a reason I can't follow you?

Lucifer is wide-awake now, sitting up and rubbing his face.

Annelie: Because Barbatos said---

Lucifer: Barbatos?

Lucifer swings his legs out of bed to sit next to Annelie.

Lucifer: Why would he tell you to go anywhere without me? Annelie, that's not a good sign. He knows you get anxious when I'm not somewhere I can readily get to you.

Annelie: ...you're right, but... I don't know, I just thought he had a good reason. Like maybe he'd say something private about you or he'd confide in me about Diavolo...

Lucifer: Look. I know you're not on his hitlist anymore, but that doesn't mean you can let your guard down. He's a man, Annelie, and he's a very closed-off man at that. I don't care whether he wants to hit on you or tell you his darkest secret. You're not going by yourself. End of discussion.

If you were anyone else...

Annelie lets out a defeated sigh, smiling a little to herself.

Annelie: Okay, fine. But you stay concealed and quiet. Only pop your head out if I call for you.

Lucifer: Fine. I don't like it, but fine.

[ timeskip ]

Annelie walks into the darkened halls of the castle with ease, searching for Barbatos. She passes Diavolo's room, and she chuckles a little as she sees the prince sleeping soundly. Eventually, she catches the sight of Barbatos carrying a lit candelabra, making his face look gaunt.

Barbatos: There you are.

Barbatos smiles softly.

Barbatos: Follow me; I'd prefer to speak over tea.

Annelie: Yeah, sure...

Annelie starts walking behind the butler.

Annelie: Can you give me a hint about what you want to talk about with me exactly? You have to know that you're making me pretty anxious right now. You don't have a very good track record.

Barbatos: Haha. No, I don't.

Annelie: ...

Barbatos: ...

Annelie: ........

Barbatos: ...........

Annelie: Barb? Isn't this your room? You're really scaring me now.

Barbatos: I apologize for my reticence. I did not desire to make you anxious, although what I have to tell you may be anxiety-inducing.

Barbatos pours a cup of tea for Annelie and himself, and the sweet aroma of chamomile reaches Annelie's nose. He gestures for her to sit, taking a sip of tea.

Annelie: ...okay...?

Barbatos: It has become clear to me that you are widely loved by everyone in your circle. Unfortunately, that love is of the romantic variety which cannot be satiated when you have become so tightly bonded to Lucifer.

Annelie: Is... Is this a lecture?

Barbatos: No, not at all. It's... more of a personal musing, I'm afraid. Rather, it is a lament on my part. I have come to realize that I am just as fond of you as the young master or the other members of the student council.

Annelie: I guess... yeah, that's pretty surprising.

Annelie takes a sip of her tea.

Annelie: But... why did you need to call me all the way to the castle for that?

Hm? Do I... hear Lucifer shouting?

Barbatos: That has to do with the other thing I needed to inform you of.

Although there was no change in Barbatos' expression, a tear slipped free of one eye.

Huh? Why does he... look... blurry...?

Barbatos: Annelie, your curse has spread and permanently taken root. Solomon's vaccine is effective only at treating surface-level symptoms. Of the sparing records I was able to find on Queen Succubi... we are in a critical state.

Annelie collapses to the floor, and Barbatos catches her, laying her down gently.

Barbatos: ...so... for the sake of the prince's life, I can't let you live.

I am sorry, Annelie.... truly.

#ah yes #more trauma for lucifer #tw drugs #obey me lucifer #obey me shall we date #fanfiction #obey me!#shameless self indulgence #obey me angst #obey me #obey me barbatos #LuciAnne

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hugmekenobi · 1 year

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The Bad Batch (3)

Chapter Three: Replacements

GIF by @kamino-coruscant

Hunter x femaleJedi!reader

Series Summary: You joined the Batch 8 months ago and everything was going well. But then, Order 66 happened and the galaxy around you changed. Now, not only do you need to be careful given your new 'social status', but you also need to navigate your feelings towards a certain Sergeant.

Chapter Summary: You and Hunter finally talk things over but amidst all that, the ship crashes and you need to find your way off a desolate moon.

<Previous Chapter

Genre: Friends (idiots) to Lovers

Chapter Warnings: Use of (Y/N) (but I've limited it as much as I could), swearing, the Force works how I say it does, mild innuendo, brief injury mention, light angst, Hunter defence (a theme that will run throughout now).

Word Count (Ch 3): 7.6K

Rating: 18+

Author's notes: Okay so things are finally being talked out lol but despite the honesty mention, both of them continue to lie about their feelings but I allow that because they're both doing it and they're dumb haha. Also I'm sorry for not including Crosshair's section of the episode. It was a tough decision not to but I think with what my focus for this chapter was, it had to be done. Also a big thank you for the support this story as received to far! It means a lot!

You sat down on the bunk you had once shared with Hunter; you weren’t really sure if that would still stand anymore, you didn’t really expect it to and finished tying off the bandage around your arm. You also quickly applied a light touch of bacta on your cheek and your eyes followed Hunter as he walked over to where Omega was sitting restlessly on the floor, examining a datapad as she leaned against Gonky who was also on his side.

Hunter walked up to Omega with the ration box. “Well, that doesn’t look comfortable, for either of you.”

“We’re fine.” Omega said lightly.

“Here. Chow time.” Hunter said, handing Omega a ration bar as she stood up.

“Ah! Finally!”

Hunter looked up to see Wrecker jumping down the stairs that led to the gun turret. He handed his eager brother a bar only to see him consume it at record pace.

“Hit me again.” Wrecker demanded keenly.

“Well, that’s all for now.” Hunter said, closing the box. “Rations are low.”

Wrecker groaned.

Omega looked down at her portion then back to Wrecker. “You can have mine.” She offered.

Before he reached out to grab it, Hunter pushed Wrecker back a few steps. “Hey, Omega doesn’t even have a place to sleep. You wanna take her food too?”

Wrecker glanced past Hunter. Now he felt bad. “Oh. Uh… no, no thanks. You keep it.”

“Okay.” Omega said casually before sitting back down against the droid.

Wrecker let out another groan. “I guess I’m not used to having a kid around here.”

“Well, none of us are, but she’s not complaining.” Hunter pointed out.

You let out a soft sigh as you witnessed the scene just past you before turning away to start packing up the medical kit. You made sure to put everything back where it was, or you knew you’d never hear the end of it from Tech. You’d made the mistake once of just chucking things in in any old order which had not gone down well with the clone, and you’d spent the next 20 minutes getting lectured on the importance of the organisation of the medical supplies.

“The bandages go in the top right compartment.”

You looked up quickly to see Hunter standing opposite you. “Oh, um thanks.” You replied, knowing you were not successful in hiding your surprised tone.

“You didn’t get your portion.” Hunter said, holding the box out to you.

“Thank you.” You replied, taking the ration bar out and nibbling the top of it before putting your attention back on the med kit. You figured that’s all he’d come up to you for and you didn’t want to make him stay any longer than he wanted to.

He knew you well enough to tell that your demeanour right now was for his own benefit and was based off his own action towards you. Come on Hunter, time to settle this, he thought to himself. “That, uh, happen leaving the lot?” Hunter asked, hoping he didn’t sound as awkward as he felt.

You looked back at him. “Yeah, but it barely touched me, and I heal fairly quickly. You know, Jedi and all that.” You cursed yourself internally for bringing up the one topic that held a high degree of sensitivity right now.

“Hmm that’s pretty handy.” Hunter said, giving you a small smile.

You let out a quiet laugh. “Yeah, it is.” After a few moments of silence, you spoke again. “Well, I uh, better put this back in its proper place or who knows what Tech’ll do to me.” You kidded half-heartedly before you sealed the med kit box and stood up, putting your top layer back on as you did so.

“Hey.” Hunter said softly, grabbing your free hand as you moved to pass him.

You glanced down at his hand then looked back at him. “Everything okay?”

“Can we talk?”

You wanted cry out with relief as he said those words but restrained yourself to a simple nod of your head.

Hunter led you towards the cockpit. “Tech, can you give us the space?”

“I’m working on this scanner.” Tech protested.

“You can work on it back there.” Echo said, standing up and dragging Tech out of his seat, giving you a small smile as he did so.

“Hey, Tech, put this back for me, would you please?” You asked, holding the med kit out to him.

Tech nodded and reached out to grab it. “Is everything-”

“Yes, everything is back in place.” You said, exasperated, but shooting him a smile, nonetheless.

“Okay, I only say that because last time-”

“Out!” Echo said, directing Tech away from you and back down the body of the ship.

Hunter let go of your hand- he hadn’t even realised he’d kept a hold of it- and went to sit in the pilot’s chair.

You squeezed your hand into a tight fist before relaxing it again as you did your best to ignore the usual feeling of emptiness that filled your hand whenever he let it go. You sat down in the co-pilot’s seat, turning it to face him. “This isn’t about Tech getting the ship impounded right cause-”

“No, it’s not.”

“Okay, good.” That was not the issue you were too worried about fixing. You waited patiently for him to talk first.

“I just… I need you to explain again. I shouldn’t have acted the way I did but-”

“No, you were perfectly entitled to do that. I know I messed up.” You said quietly.

Hunter took a breath before speaking again. “So, why did you hide this?”

You heaved a sigh and ran a hand through your hair. “In the beginning, I was being nothing but selfish. I wish I had a real reason, but I don’t. I’d spent years supressing that part of myself after I left. I didn’t get involved with anything that might threaten that until you all showed up. I lost myself for a while and forgot what I’d been taught. I don’t know what was different about you guys, but something told me I had to help you. I thought it would be a one-time thing but then you offered me a place here and I found myself saying yes and it’s like I said, as time went on, I grew to care for yo- all of you, you know you guys were the closest thing to friends I’d had for a while.” You caught yourself quickly.

Hunter pushed away the upset he felt as he heard that word.

“And I thought by telling you what I really was, things would change, or you’d send me back but, as with any secret, the longer it went the more uncomfortable I felt and the harder it got to keep, and I knew it wasn’t fair to keep lying. Especially to you.” You added quietly, looking down at your hands in your lap. “If you can, and I understand if you can’t, believe it when I say that I really did plan to tell you after Kaller but with Order 66 and Crosshair and Tarkin, I couldn’t. I don’t want to ask this of you but please trust me on this. All the odd behaviour, the deflections and the whole not telling you was purely because I wanted to protect you but I’m so sorry. I shouldn’t have lied at all. I’m just- I’m just really sorry.” You finished and looked back at him.

“It just felt like you didn’t trust me or the rest of us. We don’t hide things from each other, not when they’re that important.”

“I know.” You said sorrowfully. “I regret it and I’ll keep regretting it for the rest of my life.”

“Do you regret it because you got caught out?”

“No!” You replied, horrified that that was something he was thinking but then again you could see how it may look that way. “I regret it because I hurt you and the others. I hurt my team and I hurt my friends. Hell, I hurt my family. I’ll never forgive myself for that.”

Hunter sighed. He knew you felt awful about this and that you wouldn’t do something like this again. He didn’t like this anymore than you did and if the others could forgive you, then he could too. “You’ve not lied about anything else?”

You shook your head. “No. If you have any other questions, I’d be happy to answer them too. I’m done hiding from my past.”

“Then we’re good.”

“Really?”

“Really.” Hunter replied.

You couldn’t stop yourself; you lunged forward and hugged him. “Thank you.” You whispered.

Hunter was glad your head was over his shoulder because that meant you wouldn’t be able to see the combination of happiness and shock on his face at your actions. He returned your embrace, breaking it very reluctantly after a few moments. “I do have some questions though.”

You removed yourself from him, you couldn’t believe you’d just done that, and went back to your seat. “Go ahead.”

“Is it because you were a Jedi that you’ve always refused to use a blaster?” He wanted to give you a more light-hearted question since the one he really wanted to ask might be a bit much to launch into straight away.

You snorted. “Yeah. They’re just not very elegant. I did try them out for a while but at the end of the day, I prefer the feeling of a sword in my hand. Anything else?”

Alright, moment of truth. “Yeah, but this one you don’t have to answer if you don’t want to.”

“No, I meant what I said. I’ll answer whatever you want to ask.”

“Okay.” Hunter waited a moment before speaking again, he knew this would be a hard question for you to answer. “Why did you leave?”

You huffed out a sigh. Oh boy. “That’s a longer story.”

Meanwhile, further down the ship, Echo, Wrecker and Omega watched the interaction with relief.

“Do we think that’s them told each other now?” Wrecker asked.

“No, we’re not that lucky.” Echo replied. “I reckon they’ve just fixed the whole Jedi issue.”

“Told each other what?” Omega asked, looking away from the two of you to focus on Echo.

“They share a mutual attraction that neither party want to acknowledge or divulge to the other.” Tech answered, his attention never leaving his scanner.

“Huh?” Omega asked.

“Basically, they both have feelings of the romantic type for one another and despite our best efforts, they still deny it to us, and they won’t tell each other.” Echo explained.

“No matter how hard we try to get them to admit it.” Wrecker grumbled.

“Oohh.” Omega replied, turning back to look at you both. “We should do something.”

“Believe me kid, we’ve thought of everything. It’s gotta come from them at this point.” Echo said with a sigh. He just hoped it would be sooner rather than later.

“So yeah, that’s why I left. I couldn’t forget the way they’d treated her which led to a crisis of faith, so I left my lightsaber in my room and left the temple in the dead of night. I had thought about seeking her out, but she had her new path to follow and now I had mine, so I took the first shuttle off world. That began my life of planet hopping. I didn’t really fit in there to begin with to be honest. Too emotional with a tendency to talk back and sway from standard rules if you can believe it.” You said, shooting him a playful smile.

“Oh, I can.” Hunter agreed with a quiet chuckle. “That also explains why you disliked Tarkin so much.”

“Yeah.” You agreed with a laugh of your own. “I was really surprised that he didn’t recognise me.” You looked out into the blue hyperspace swirls.

“Well, I’m very grateful he didn’t.” Hunter said quietly.

You turned to face Hunter with a smile. “Me too.”

Hunter cleared his throat. “So… uh on Kaller. There was something else I wanted to mention. You and the padawan looked like-”

“We were having a conversation?” You completed for him.

“Yeah.”

“Well, that’s cause I kinda was.”

“But I didn’t hear anything?”

“It’s hard to explain but I basically reached into his Force Signature which allowed me to communicate with him without talking out loud and he was able to do the same to me. With Jedi, it’s pretty simple since everyone’s signature is pretty strong but emotional connection can make it even easier. It can be done with normal civilians too, like with Gerrera, though obviously it’s one-sided and it’s harder, emotional connection really helps out there.”

Hunter paused before he spoke again. “So, you and Saw Gerrera… emotionally connected at some point in your past?” He asked, hoping you couldn’t pick up on the hint of jealously he was feeling at that prospect.

“What? Gosh no!” You replied quickly, you would not let yourself analyse the slight change in his tone and what that could possibly mean. You wouldn’t ruin this rather important conversation with all that nonsense. “That was basically just luck. I wasn’t even sure it would work, let alone work that quickly. I helped him out when I was still with the Order, but no emotional connecting was done. Under normal circumstances, it would’ve taken me a lot longer to do that.” You hesitated for a moment before speaking again. “Can I show you how emotional connection actually helps?” You asked, moving to sit on your knees in front of him.

“What do you mean?” Hunter asked, refusing to let his mind wander to what else your current position meant to him.

You took his hands in yours. “Just quiet your mind as much as you can for me, please?” You also made sure to take that advice for yourself, the suggestions of your present position were not lost on you but thinking about that would be very counter-productive right now.

After a brief moment to steady your thoughts, you closed your eyes and reached out.

What met you didn’t really surprise you. Hunter’s Force Signature was a lot like him, a little rough along the edges but warm at the same time.

When you sensed that you had achieved a successful connection, you opened your eyes and looked at him as you spoke to him without uttering a single word. Hi there, Sergeant. You giggled as his eyes widened. I know, it’s a bit weird, especially since you can’t do the same thing back so this’ll be the only time, I’ll do it but yeah, apart from Gererra being the exception, if I wanted to do this with anyone else, it would take a long time.

“What about the others?” Hunter asked, his gaze focused intensely on you.

I could probably do it, but I know it’s a faster process with you.

“How?”

You did not want to properly get into that, you still didn’t think your feelings were reciprocated so you did the next best thing. You instead played back the first conversation you had with him back on Devaron. You’re the one I connected to first, it’s just natural it would be this way. You provided as an explanation rather than admit anything else.

Hunter couldn’t help but feel overwhelmed by it all, it wasn’t a bad feeling necessarily, but it only served to strengthen the feelings he had for you. All this proved was that you really were incredible, and he couldn’t imagine a time when you weren’t a part of his life but then he remembered what you said. You were his friend, nothing more, no matter how much he wished for that.

You felt his distress and assumed his enhanced senses weren’t too fond of what you were doing so you withdrew. “Sorry. I should’ve thought about your particular gift before doing that.” You said aloud.

“No, it’s not that.” Hunter said. “You can do that whenever; it doesn’t bother me.”

“What is it then?” You said softly, looking at him.

“It’s just… nothing, forget about it.” Hunter said, looking away from you. He couldn’t do this now, not like this.

“Hunter.” You murmured, placing a hand on his cheek so he had to face you. You lightly traced the outline of his tattoo with your fingertips.

Hunter closed his eyes and his breath shuddered slightly at the feeling of your hand on his face. To anyone else, this action would register as nothing more than a feather-light touch but to him it felt like so much more. He opened his eyes again to look at you. “You’re just pretty amazing.” Hunter breathed out, finding himself leaning down towards you.

You met his gaze, and you felt yourself moving up to meet him halfway.

Just as your lips were about to meet, the lights flickered and cut out, providing the most annoying but probably necessary interruption the two of you needed. You coughed and shuffled back on your knees awkwardly. You put that particular moment down to the whole speaking into his head thing. Anyone wouldn’t really think straight after that.

Hunter stifled his frustrated sigh and stood up out of the pilot’s seat, noticing the way everyone in the back of the ship had quickly turned their heads away and were now staring at random parts of the ship. Well, I should’ve known that would be the case, he thought to himself before addressing Echo. “Echo, the lights cut out again. I thought you fixed it.” He offered his hand to you to get you up and was pleased to see that despite what just happened you still took it.

“Yeah, add it to the list.” Echo replied grumpily, moving back to the cockpit with Tech, munching on his ration bar.

You and Hunter both moved out the way of Echo and Tech so they could sit back down.

“The ship got hit hard when we fled Saleucami. Several systems have been glitching ever since.” Echo explained. “Repairs would go faster if I had some help.” He said pointedly, shooting Tech a look.

“As soon as I finish building this scanner.” Tech said, soldering some parts of the device. “Testing the functionality of out inhibitor chips takes precedence.”

“But I thought you said they were defective?” You asked.

“A theory this test will be able to prove.” Tech said confidently.

“Huh, okay.” You said simply with a shrug of your shoulders, and you turned around to follow Hunter back down the ship.

“Besides, the ship-wide diagnostic report indicated no critical systems were compromised.” Tech informed.

Just as he said that the ship jolted violently and came crashing out of hyperspace.

The alarm started ringing and the red lights began to flash.

You lost your balance, and you suddenly felt the tight press of a body against yours.

In the slight commotion, it would seem that you had fallen into the wall, your back pressed against it while Hunter had ended up with his body pushed up against yours, his hands on either side of your head, his eyes looking directly into yours.

You blinked a few times to fully process what just happened and bring yourself back to the present moment of the ship hurtling towards a moon.

Hunter rather awkwardly pushed himself off the wall and away from you, trying and failing to forget the feeling of your body against his in that manner. He’d only ever felt it like that when the two of you had been asleep together but in the more recent times, those occasions had grown rarer, and they seemed a lot more innocent than whatever just happened there, even if it was purely accidental.

He quickly walked into the cockpit, and he heard you close behind him. “Getting thrown out of hyperspace. I’d say that’s pretty critical, Tech.”

“It’s not affecting life support.” Tech replied calmly, fiddling with some controls. “We’re fine.”

“Are you kidding me?” Hunter replied, exasperated.

“I don’t think life support will matter too much if we crash and burn.” You added, adjusting your footing slightly as another rumble ran through the ship.

“The power capacitor’s blown. We need to land immediately.” Echo said.

Omega was still back in the main body of the ship with Wrecker, trying to maintain her balance.

“Get ready for your first crash landing.” Wrecker said, lifting one of the over-the-shoulder restraints.

“Crash?” Omega said anxiously.

“Omega, strap in.” Hunter said, darting back down towards the young girl. “You too.” He directed, looking back towards you.

“Are you?” You asked, crossing your arms, and looking at him questioningly.

“No but that’s not the point. You-”

“No, I’m fine thanks. I’ll sit right here.” You sat in one the normal passenger seats, bracing your back against it to keep steady.

Hunter sighed and sat in the chair across from yours.

Omega quickly sat in on of the seats with the over- the- shoulder restraints and Wrecker lowered one down for her before going into one himself although the restraint proved to be a bit small for his larger frame.

“I can’t see anything.” Echo groaned, straining his eyes to try and see through the fog that filled the moon’s atmosphere.

“Hold on!” Hunter called back towards Omega and Wrecker.

Omega grunted with the impact on her shoulders as the ship continued to be unsteady. She lifted her feet when Gonky slid down the hallway.

Wrecker wasn’t having the best time of it either. A particularly strong heave of the ship had the side of his head being smacked off the one of the metal hand bars of the restraints.

The alarm blaring grew louder and more insistent, but you saw the fog had cleared which allowed Tech to level out the ship as best he could before it crashed to the ground. You held on to the sides of your seat to stop yourself from falling out of it as your body lurched with the impact.

Once the ship had come to a complete stop, you stood up and helped the Gonk droid to his feet. You looked over at Hunter when he stood up. “You good?”

Hunter nodded before addressing the back of the ship. “Everybody alright?”

You glanced down to where Omega and Wrecker were. She seemed a little bit dazed but otherwise okay. Wrecker was the one who looked the most affected out of all of you. He was taking breaths in short, sharp pants. You only hoped you had the parts needed to fix the ship and get off this place.

“The storm’s getting worse. It’s knocking out our comms.” You said irritably as you stared at the controls.

“I suspect one of our capacitors sustained damage during our firefight with the regs. We won’t be able to take off without replacing it. Inventory analysis indicates we have one spare onboard.” Tech explained to the group, looking up from his datapad.

“Is it in here?” Omega asked, grunting as she dragged a box out and placed it on the ground.

A hush descended in the ship as you turned your seat to see what Omega was talking about and why everyone had gone so quiet. Oh, that was why, you thought gloomily.

“What?” Omega asked, wondering why everyone was suddenly staring at her.

“That’s Crosshair’s weapon kit.” Hunter said, the guilt and painful reminder of all that went down on Kamino coming back to haunt him.

Wrecker groaned. “Fine. I’ll say it. I kinda miss him.”

“He shot you, remember?” Echo reminded him.

“Ha! I sure do. That hurt!” Wrecker said with a laugh.

“It’s worth noting that the possibility that Crosshair’s actions were influenced by the inhibitor chip.” Tech said to Hunter.

“It can do that?” You asked, getting out of your seat, directing your question towards Omega.

“That’s what it was designed to do.” Omega confirmed.

“So, it wasn’t Crosshair’s fault?” Wrecker asked.

“Well-” Tech began.

“Look, debating this won’t fix the ship.” Hunter interrupted. He almost didn’t want to know the answer. The slightest chance that Crosshair had done what he did willingly was the only thing keeping his inner turmoil at bay and now there was a chance he wasn’t in complete control of himself? And they’d left him behind? That was something he wouldn’t be able to get past easily. “Right now, we need to find that capacitor and get off this rock.” He said before walking away.

You followed him to the cockpit. “It’s not your fault you know.”

“I’d love to hear how it isn’t.” He replied dejectedly, hanging his head as he held on to the back of the pilot’s chair.

You sighed deeply. “You made a judgement call. Even if he wasn’t of sound mind, we were still under fire.”

“Exactly, there’s now a chance he didn’t really know what he was doing, and I left him behind. I can’t-”

“Even if he wasn’t himself, we were taking fire, Hunter. And it wasn’t just from Crosshair. We would’ve died if we didn’t get out when we did. If Crosshair isn’t in control of his own mind, then we’ll get him back. I know you; when the moment is right, you won’t leave him behind.” You said, laying a hand on his shoulder, turning him to face you but he still refused to look at you. “Hey, look at me.” You put your hand on his cheek, angling his face towards you. “You’re a good sergeant. Those guys back there would follow you through anything, as would I.”

Hunter gave a half-hearted smile. He only hoped your image was him proved to be accurate because despite your words, that element of doubt still resided within him. “Thanks. Go help Echo and Tech with the repairs, would you?”

“Yeah, no problem.” You complied. You caressed your thumb across his cheekbone. “I mean it you, know. Until you want rid of me, I’m not going anywhere.” You said, removing your hand and you walked away from him, grabbing an oxygen mask as you went to join Tech and Echo outside.

May that day never come. Hunter thought as he watched you go, the feeling of your hand remaining on his cheek.

Tech lifted the panel and took out the damaged capacitor.

“Careful. Those capacitors hold a massive charge.” Echo warned as he stood on Tech’s right, holding his flashlight up to help Tech see what he was doing.

You joined on Tech’s left-hand side, shining your light too.

“I am well aware.” Tech responded, placing the new one in. “I just need to secure it.”

You turned your head slightly as you heard the sound of faint snarling and you felt goosebumps on your skin. “What was that?”

“I’m a little busy as the moment.” Tech replied.

You walked a few paces away from the others, shining your light ahead of you.

“Get back here.” Echo called after you.

You waved your hand behind you. “Shush. Keep your light with Tech.” You hissed back.

As you walked, you shone your torch to your left as you heard some rustling, but you couldn’t see anything. You kept walking forward, taking slow, quiet steps, fanning your flashlight right and left but you were coming up empty.

Pausing, you closed your eyes and reach out into the Force, trying to feel for any unusual or threatening signatures but you couldn’t sense anything. You let out a frustrated sigh and turned your light towards the ship and then something caught your eye. “Echo, Tech, look at this.” You called back to them.

Tech just finished securing the capacitor and he joined Echo to make their way towards you.

You shone your light back on the fresh, long, and jagged claw marks that now decorated the ship.

“Ah. Well, those weren’t there when we landed.” Tech observed.

No wonder you hadn’t sensed anything strongly. You’d never quite managed the whole force connecting to animals thing, it had been one of the things you’d still been practicing before you’d left but after you had gone, you’d ceased all training of that manner. You berated yourself for that now. You were so preoccupied with your own thoughts; you hadn’t noticed that Tech and Echo had made their way back to the ship entrance.

“You coming back in?” Echo asked, looking back at you.

“Give me a minute.”

Echo looked at Tech, who simply shrugged, and they both made their way back onto the ship.

You took a deep breath. “Come on, you can do this.” You whispered you yourself as you closed your eyes, and reached out again, really focusing in on the nature around you.

“The capacitor’s in place, but other systems are now failing.” Tech said, taking off his mask as he walked towards Hunter.

Echo removed his own mask before speaking to Hunter. “Something’s causing damage to the exterior hull.”

“You wanna narrow that down?” Hunter asked. “And where’s (Y/N)?”

“The capacitor is gone!” You shouted, quickly removing your own mask as you ran on board. You hadn’t seen it happen, but you had gotten a read on a signature that had gone very close to the panel where the capacitor was.

“I just placed it myself. It can’t be-” Tech stopped as the entire ship just powered down.

Each of your heads followed the faint sound of banging that moved across the top of the ship. “I told you.” You whispered. “Something’s taken it.”

Omega looked out the ship window to suddenly see an animal with luminous green charges flowing through its body, dart across it. “Look!”

“What is it?” You asked as you all ran towards the cockpit.

“Some kind of creature, about this big.” Omega said quickly, holding her arms wide apart. “With a long tail. It ran off with the part.”

Echo stepped forward and reactivated the control to get a view of the ship. “They’re right. The capacitor’s gone. And that was our last one.”

“Did you see this creature take it?” Wrecker asked, turning to look at you.

“No but I had a feeling.” You replied.

“A feeling?” Wrecker repeated, staring at you.

“A Jedi feeling, Wrecker. I didn’t know what though. I didn’t get very far with connecting to animals and it really doesn’t help when I have no idea what I should be connecting to.”

“The creature is most likely an Ordo Moon Dragon.” Tech informed. “A species that feeds off raw energy. It was probably drawn to the capacitor’s electric charge.”

“Well, that would’ve been good to know beforehand, Tech.” You said with a sigh before you noticed that Wrecker had walked away from you all, groaning slightly as he held the side of his head. You guessed it was an injury from the rather rough landing.

“You two get those other systems online.” Hunter ordered Tech and Echo. “Wrecker, stay here. We will go after the dragon and get our part back.” Hunter said nodding to you.

“I’m fine. I-” Wrecker protested before breaking off with a moan.

“You’re staying.” Hunter reiterated.

“I’ll go with you both.” Omega said eagerly, jumping off her seat.

“No, that thing could be dangerous.” Hunter said, double checking his vibroblade before putting it back in its cover.

“I’m a part of this squad now too, right?” Omega asked.

Hunter glanced up at you.

You finished putting your weapons on and nodded at him. We can watch her. It’ll be fine. Plus, she’s right and she’ll need to learn how to handle herself at some point. I know I’d rather it be at a time where we can comfortably watch her.

Hunter turned back to face the young girl. “Alright, kid. Just stay close.”

Omega put her oxygen mask on and dashed for the door.

You hummed out a laugh as you watched her enthusiastically run to the door then you saw how the others were looking at each other- their faces filled with a combination of scepticism and bewilderment. You smirked at Hunter and nudged his shoulder. “Come on, it’ll be fun. Of all the missions we’ve had, this one is one of the easier ones.” You both put on your masks and followed her out.

The three of you moved speedily along the moon’s rocky terrain. The wind howled softly, and you felt the breeze through your hair. You were taking up the rear, with Omega in the middle and Hunter in front.

Hunter paused and knelt down to the ground.

You and Omega came on either side of him and watched as he ran his fingers through some of the dirt and studied it as it trickled through his fingers.

“What are you doing?” Omega asked in a hushed tone.

“Tracking.” Hunter replied, standing upright.

“Can’t you track the creature? You know, with your Jedi powers?” Omega asked, angling her head past Hunter’s legs to look at you.

“I could if I knew how to properly. Fact is, I don’t and even if I did, it would probably take a lot longer than this. A strong bond is required to connect with an animal, and I have no ground to even begin to establish one with this thing.” You answered, standing up and brushing some of the dust off your trouser legs.

You left out the fact that you quite enjoyed watching Hunter track, it sent a warm tingle down your spine every time, the only exception to that had been Kaller due to the rather serious extenuating circumstances.

“Let’s keep going.” Hunter said.

The three of you moved on, your movements more cautious now as you reached a section with more rocks, providing more cover for anything that might want to jump out at you.

“Could I learn to track like you?” Omega whispered.

“Well, it’s an enhanced skill.” Hunter replied. “Wrecker and Tech, we each have one.”

“And Crosshair.” Omega added.

You looked over her head to gauge Hunter’s reaction but the most he gave was a quick glance back at the young girl. You couldn’t get a read, the only way you could would be to dip into his signature but this task was more important right now.

“You shouldn’t be angry at him. He can’t help it.” Omega continued.

Hunter stopped and sighed. “I’m angry at myself. We don’t leave our own behind.”

Your heart went out to him. You knew that no matter how this situation turned out, that regret would always stick with him.

“Then we’ll find a way to get him back…somehow.” Omega said, coming up on Hunter’s right.

“That’s what I said.” You stated, coming to squeeze his left hand reassuringly. “See, it’s not just me that knows it.”

Hunter nodded at you before moving ahead once more.

You lightly nudged Omega in front of you again and fell in line behind her.

The three of you slowly began an uphill climb and crouched behind a rock. A few metres in front of you with its lights blinking, lay the power capacitor.

“See it?” Hunter asked, shining his torch light on it.

“Yeah.” You replied quietly.

“Wait here.” Hunter ordered, sensing that Omega had stood up. “Both of you.”

“You gotta be kidding me.” You objected.

Hunter just tilted his head towards Omega. He needed you to stay for her.

You got the message and let out a frustrated sigh. “Just be careful.”

Hunter gave you a nod and moved out from behind the rock to head towards the capacitor.

You moved closer to Omega and you both watched him closely as he went. You closed your eyes and reached out into the Force around you, looking to see if that familiar signature you’d felt by the panel on the ship was anywhere near you both or Hunter.

Then you felt it, it was right by the rock that was behind the capacitor. You snapped your eyes open and went to warn Hunter, but you were a second too late. The creature had jumped out and attacked him.

You and Omega dashed out and ran towards it, but it had grabbed the part and ran off.

“It’s getting away!” Omega shouted.

That wasn’t your concern right now. You turned away from the direction the creature had headed off in to see Hunter gasping, clutching at his throat.

Panic swept through you. “Hunter, your mask!” You grabbed him as he collapsed to the ground.

You scanned the area around you quickly to find his mask. You spotted it and called on the Force to send it to you. As soon as it landed in your hand, you reattached it. “Hunter, wake up! Wake up!” You said desperately but to no avail.

You checked for a pulse and hung your head in relief when you found one, but he would be out for a while and medical help would not go amiss plus you still needed to get the capacitor back. You spoke into your comm. “Echo, Wrecker, Tech, come in! We need help!” You got no response back.

You heard a snarl and looked up to see the dragon disappear with the capacitor down into a tunnel. You were torn, you couldn’t leave Hunter and Omega couldn’t be left on her own, but you needed that back.

“I’ll go.” Omega said bravely.

“No, Omega. Not by yourself. You could get hurt.” You said, taking your eyes off Hunter to look at her.

“We can’t leave Hunter alone here either. You can stay with him. I’ll be careful. If I’m going to be on this squad, I need to learn how to handle myself.” Omega replied.

You went to disagree with her but hesitated. You couldn’t bring yourself to leave him and if Omega felt like she could, then maybe it could work. “You sure about this?”

Omega nodded firmly.

You sighed. “Okay, take his blaster, torch, and his comm. If at any point, you’re unsure of what to do or there’s a sign of trouble, you tell me. Understand?” You said seriously.

“I understand.” Omega answered, picking up Hunter’s flashlight, blaster, and comm. “Okay, Omega. You can do this.” She said to herself, taking a calming breath.

“Be careful and any trouble, you use that comm and don’t use that blaster unless you absolutely have to.” You told her. She was young, she didn’t need her first instinct to be to kill. “You better go.”

Omega nodded and set off towards the tunnel.

You watched her enter it and then readjusted yourself, so you were supporting Hunter’s body, his head positioned in your lap. Come on Hunter, wake up, you thought nervously.

You gently straightened your back, keeping Hunter’s head cradled in your hands as you did so. Right after you did this, you saw his eyes flicker open. “Hunter?”

Hunter groaned and then his eyes focused on you, your head positioned just above his. His appeared to be in your lap. He sat up and held his head then let out a few panicked breaths as he remembered what happened. He tapped his mask, just to confirm that it was really there.

You moved around and kneeled in front of his. “Easy. It’s okay. I reattached it after it fell. You’ve been unconscious though.” You explained. “You scared the shit out of me. Next time you tell me to wait, I’m just going to ignore you because clearly that doesn’t work out well for you.” You said, adding a touch of humour to your tone.

“I’m okay.” Hunter reassured you, laying a hand on your shoulder.

“Just… don’t do scare me like that again. I don’t know what I’d do if-” You stopped yourself from continuing.

Before Hunter could ask about what you were going to say, he suddenly remembered about Omega, she wasn’t here. “Where’s Omega?” He asked urgently.

“Umm… she’s gone after the part.” You replied awkwardly.

“What?” Hunter said, standing up abruptly and which led him to notice his blaster, comm and torch were all now missing. “You let her go on her own?”

“Not enthusiastically but it was either I leave you unconscious and her with you, not knowing if there was anything else out here that could hurt you guys, or I stay with you and let her go after it. It wasn’t like I was left with the best choices. I told her to contact me if she was in trouble.” You explained, standing up too.

“Did you even try to contact the others for help?”

You glared at him. “Yes Hunter, believe it or not I’m not a complete idiot, my first thought was not to send her after an Ordo Moon Dragon by herself. The others didn’t reply.” You replied coolly.

Hunter sighed. “I’m sorry, that wasn’t fair. It’s just…she’s a kid. She could get herself hurt.”

“She’s not helpless, Hunter and she volunteered. She’s not much younger than what I was when I was being sent on missions. Plus, you and your brothers were put in training when you were young.” You said defensively.

“But she’s not exactly trained either or blessed with your particular skill set.”

You opened your mouth to protest but stopped when you realised that you’d lost sight of that. You may have understood the emotional assignment of taking in a child better than the others, but you’d let your own experience cloud your judgement here. You’d looked at Omega and seen a determined young girl, wanting to do all she could to help which is what you’d been like at her age and that was all you saw. You forgot that she’d been on Kamino her whole life and hadn’t been trained in any way. “You’re right. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have let her go. I just didn’t want to leave you and I forgot her experience has been completely different from mine and yours.”

“It’s okay. We can go find her now.” Hunter said.

“She’s in there.” You pointed up to the tunnel she’d gone into.

“Lead the way.” Hunter directed and followed you as you both ran up to the tunnel entrance.

“Omega!” You both yelled down the tunnel.

“I’m coming!” Omega called back.

You exhaled deeply in relief as you saw her crawl her way to the top.

Hunter picked her up out of the tunnel and set her gently down on her feet. “Are you okay?” He asked, scanning her body for injuries.

“Omega, I’m sorry, I never should’ve let you go on your own.” You said, bending down in front of her to give her a quick hug.

“It’s alright. I’m fine. I completed the mission.” Omega said to you over your shoulder. She pulled away and handed Hunter back his blaster at Hunter. “Don’t worry, didn’t have to use it.” She added, looking back at you.

You nodded back at her before you got to your feet to stand next to Hunter.

“I got the part.” Omega said, holding the capacitor up to Hunter.

Hunter took it from her.

“Good work Omega.” You said. “Now we can finally get off this rock.”

Hunter walked into the cockpit. “Tech, get us outta here.”

“Gladly.” Tech replied, powering up the engines. “Systems are up and running.” He said as the ship left the moon’s atmosphere.

“Yeah, took you long enough.” Wrecker grumbled, coming into the cockpit.

“And where have you been?” Echo asked, turning in his seat.

Wrecker ignored him and kneeled in front of the passenger seat where Omega was sitting. “Hey, kid. Come with me.” He said, holding his hand out to her. “Cover your eyes.” He instructed with a light chuckle.

Omega did as he said and took his hand despite it being about twice the size of hers.

“I’m not missing this.” You said happily, following Wrecker out of the cockpit and back to the gun tower. You were very curious as to what Wrecker had planned.

Hunter also left the cockpit to see what Wrecker had been doing.

“Okay. Open ‘em.” Wrecker said, stepping away from Omega. “Check it out!” He said with a chuckle, showing Omega the now new and improved gun turret.

Omega walked up the ladder, pulled back the curtain and smiled at what greeted her. Wrecker had transformed the space with new, warm glowing lights and had padded it out for extra comfort. He’d also included his Lula. She couldn’t believe it.

“It’s your own room.” Wrecker explained. “Well, what do you think? I thought this place could feel more like a home.”

“It’s perfect!” Omega said joyfully. “Thank you, Wrecker!”

You chuckled as Wrecker took the praise rather bashfully.

“Oh, uh, it was nothing.” Wrecker replied.

“I never had my own room before.” Omega said, sitting down and holding Lula to her chest.

“Well, you’re a part of this squad now too.” Hunter said, stepping past you.

You noticed that Tech and Echo had now come to see what was going on too.

Omega looked at him then back around her room. She was really starting to feel that now.

The rest of you left her to it and walked back to the cockpit. “That was really sweet of you, Wrecker. And she’s right. That’s a pretty perfect set up.” You said smiling at him. “Hey, how come I never got anything like that?” You asked, nudging Hunter playfully.

“Are you unhappy with your current arrangement?” Hunter lightly teased back whilst also hoping the answer would be no.

You pretended to ponder before answering. “Hmm I guess I can manage.” You replied light-heartedly, giving him a warm smile.

Wrecker, Tech, and Echo just looked at one other, the look saying the same thing- when will they just wake up and admit what they feel for one another? If it’s so clear to us, why is it not to them?

Next Chapter>

#the bad batch #hunter x reader #hunter x fem!reader #hunter x female!reader #sergeant hunter x reader #sergeant hunter #hunter tbb #hunter the bad batch #the bad batch hunter x you #hunter x you #hunter x y/n #tbb hunter x reader #the bad batch fanfiction #fluff #angst #star wars #friends to lovers

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wayfayrr · 9 months

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Gonna ask this RIGHT this time lets GOOO

I’m a bit of a nut when it comes to pyromaniac and explosion obsessed characters, just going absolutely manic with numerous explosions going off around them type of stuff

Can I maybe ask for a reader like that with Time? Just an absolutely tired man who loves seeing them happy, but by god please put the gunpowder down for five minutes

Thank you, and once again bc you deserve it, congratulations :>

thank you again for all the congratulations 🥹💖💖 I swear everyone on here is so sweet. 💖 for this one I hope you don't mind I went with a calmer moment for that type of reader where they're sitting by the fire making explosives relaxing, I hope you like it!!!🔥✨✨

“[name], what are you making over there? Please don’t tell me it’s more explosives…”

“Look you don’t have to mutter under your breath like that.”

“You didn’t answer my question [name].”

“I thought you didn’t want me to tell you.”

The old man seems to be looking his age for once, granted I'm one of the main reasons he's been pushed to his limits like this. Really though, it's in my nature I can't just hold myself back. He should know this with how clear it is that I'm not the most civil when things like this are involved.

"Please stop making explosives from your own world, at least use normal bombs."

"'Normal bombs' don't have the same effect though Time... Look it's not like I'm making the dangerous ones."

Maybe I should stop doing stuff like this, it seems Time really is more stressed than he ever was before I arrived. The chain are taking care of me here, I shouldn't be adding to their stress, well time’s stress more than anything. It’s hard not to feel at least a little guilty about acting like this when he sounds so exhausted. Planting himself down next to me with a sigh, it really feels like I’m about to be given a lecture about my personal safety. It takes a moment to remove my current project away from the heat and to make sure that it’s stable, meaning I can leave it unattended for a while. Better to be over-cautious than the reason Hyrule needs to tire himself out or drain their already low supplies. Nothing would make me feel worse than that after a lecture.

“Just be careful dear, I love you more than anything so I don’t want to lose you.”

“You’re not going to lecture me?”

“No, I love seeing how happy you are. Even if I wish I was the one making you happy rather than the explosives.”

That was unexpected? I swear if Wild was the one in my place he’d have been trapped here for hours while Time went on about his safety, but for me just a simple admission and a blush? Time’s blushing!? Because of me?? How long will it take him to realise how I’m looking at him like he’s both amazing and acting utterly unlike the Time I know? Barely a second it seems.

“Don’t let me sitting here distract you [name].”

“RIGHT. Yes alright. Um… would you like me to show you some really cool things you can do with fire? There are some safer things in my world that are beautiful.”

“Do you have it recorded on your ‘phone’?”

Rolling my eyes at him with a genuine laugh while reaching for a couple of containers within my bag, he seems a bit scared of what I’m about to pull out of my bag. Like he’s expecting another outburst like the first fight I got into, It's a good thing Hyrule can treat burns.

“They’re different metal oxides, they change the colours of the fire. And no I’m not going to set the forest alight again not at the moment anyway.”

“[name] I love you but please.”

“...Fine. I promise I won't set the forest alight at all. Now can I show you what these do?”

I didn’t even let him answer this time, preferring to just toss some of the copper chloride powder into the fire waiting for his response to the apple-green flames. He looks stunning with how they reflect off of his armour, and how they highlight his face. Which colours would light him up the most beautifully I wonder, red, green, pink, cutting the colours completely and having him silhouetted by an explosion perhaps?

“Do you keep things related to all of this on you at all times?”

“Why would you ever assume otherwise?”

“Please hold back from burning entire woods from now on.”

“...I’ll try.”

#links✦react #linked universe x reader #yandere linked universe x reader #yandere linked universe #link x reader #moss✦answers #moss✦writes

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azuremist · 9 months

Text

Alterhumanity and Autism (Script)

During my panel at this year's Othercon, I said that I would publicly post my panel's script, and my survey's results onto my tumblr, for easy archival purposes! (There is no way to submit Google Docs to archive.org that I'm aware of...)

This is the panel's script! What I said before the QnA part of the panel. Once the panel recording is uploaded, I'll reblog with the link to it, as well! The results for the survey will also be posted to this account shortly.

Here is the blurb that I originally wrote for the panel, on the schedule:

"This panel aims to explore the relationship between autism and alterhumanity, by looking at the history, the modern autistic community and what real alterhumans have to say on the topic. Why it is that neurodivergency is seemingly so common in the alterhuman community? Is it correlation, causation, or perhaps something in between?"

And, below is the script itself!

Hi, everyone! I am so excited to be speaking at Othercon this year and I hope everyone else is enjoying the 'con so far. My name is Azure! You may also call me Bede, as I answer to both. I like he/him, she/her and bun/buns pronouns, and I am a multitude of things! I am a demon (a fallen angel if you wanna get technical), and my main fictotype is, you'll never guess who based off my names, Bede from Pokemon. Shoutout to any Pokemonkin listening. I've been active in the alterhuman community for around 5 years now, and was the head and sole mod of ‘From Fictionkind’, which is a zine released in 2022, aiming to explore the experiences of those who have a fiction-based identity. If you are interested, you can download it here. (Send link)

I am a grab bag of disorders and disabilities, most of which I won't list, but what is relevant to this panel is that I am, in fact, autistic. Not only that, but I have done, by all metrics, way too much research into autism, and I am an autistic activist!

To preface: although this panel is going to specifically namedrop and talk about autism a lot, I am sure that a lot of different beings can relate to what I am going to talk about today. Not just other neurodivergencies and disabilities, either. Much of what I am going to be talking about today could resonate with any oppressed being's experiences. I welcome all discussion about the similarities of different experiences with open arms!

But, for the sake of transparency, I am not very good at talking off the cuff. So I am going to spend the bulk of this panel reading from a pre-prepared script. If anyone is interested in a transcript, it is available on Google Docs for viewing! I will send it in the panel chat right now, so that anyone who needs to may read along, for word-processing purposes. (Send link) This also means that I am not going to be looking at the chat a whole lot, so if there's something you'd particularly like for me to see, I encourage you to hold it until the end so that I can be sure to see it and give it the thought and recognition that it deserves. All this being said, I still will be looking at the chat occasionally.

To prepare for this panel, I took a survey polling autistic alterhumans, which was taking responses from March 7th to July 1st, so around 4 months. I was hoping for about maybe 90 participants, but that number was blown out of the water with over 500 responses!! I will be going over those results later on in the panel, and will also be referencing the anonymous freeform responses.

The very last point of my preamble here is to warn that this panel may not be suitable for all audiences. This lecture contains extended discussion of ableism, and, while I try to keep the mentions brief, there will be specific talk of disabled folks, including children, being hurt. If you're unable to handle that at this time, that is absolutely fine. Take care of yourself and have a great con!

This panel aims to explore the relationship between autism and alterhumanity, by looking at the history, the modern autistic community and what real alterhumans have to say on the topic. I hope to, perhaps not explain, but look into why it is that neurodivergency is seemingly so common in the alterhuman community, and whether it's because of correlation, causation, or perhaps something in between.

Now, let's start off with a question and feel free to try and guess: What do fairies, aliens, and crystals all have in common? Do we have any guesses?

The correct answer is that all 3 of these things have been used to try and claim autistic children are nonhuman!

Let's get into the specifics, starting from the top with fairies.

The changeling is a form of fairy found in European folklore. Also referred to as an "oaf" historically, a changeling is a fairy that is left in the place of an identical human child, when they are stolen away by other fairies. This is to say, parents believed that their human child was being replaced by an identical fairy child. There were multiple tricks that were thought to fend this off. When you believe you already have a changeling, though... There were less ways to go about that. Historical records and tales about changelings unfortunately imply that the solution chosen for a changeling child was often times infanticide.

Many modern psychologists now believe that most tales of changelings developed in an attempt to explain disabled children. This includes, but is not limited to, deformities, Down syndrome, Williams syndrome, cerebral palsy, and, of course, autism. The fact that boys are more often born with birth defects lines up with the touted belief that boys were more likely to be taken by fairies.

Furthermore, see "regressive autism". This so-called phenomena occurs when a child appears to develop, quote-unquote, "normally", until they start showing symptoms of autism in their later years. Now, what actually happens in these cases is that they never noticed their child's autistic traits until those later years. But the fact that there is still a name for this sudden perceived shift in an autistic child shows the sheer amount of cases there are like this, even today. Now, imagine how bad it was hundreds of years ago, before we even had a word for autism. This "sudden shift" perspective very much parallels the supposed markings of your child being replaced by a changeling.

Second verse, same as the first: aliens. Although the term "starseed" has been picked up in the alterhuman community as a way to describe one's self as an alien, "starseeds", or "star children", didn't originate in the alterhuman community. Their existence is a theory put forth by Brad Seiger in his 1976 book, titled "Gods of Aquarius". It posits that some humans originated as extraterrestrials, and arrived on Earth through either birth or by taking over an existent human body.

Generally agreed-upon signs that you or someone you love is a starseed, according to believers, include that person feeling like they don't belong, being hyperempathetic (which is a sign of autism, despite what the stereotypes would have you believe), introversion, and... Actually, I'm going to quote this in its entirety. In "What Is A Starseed & 50 Clear Signs You Are One", published by The Spirit Nomad, the first listed sign is, quote, "You are highly sensitive. You easily feel overwhelmed and drained when you are in a place with many people and with intense stimuli – like shopping malls, clubs, and networking events. You might also be sensitive to stimulants like coffee, alcohol and even dark chocolate." Endquote.

You think I'm joking about these things just listing autism symptoms. I'm not!

Finally... Crystals. Crystal children and indigo children are both believed to be sort of the next step in scientific evolution, according to New Age circles. More specifically, crystal children are the newest generation, while indigo children were the first wave, from around the 70s to the 90s. I'll just be calling both of these 'waves' crystal children for the sake of simplicity, but know that they are just two waves of the same thing. Crystal children are believed to possess special or supernatural abilities, such as telepathy. Autistic children having telepathy, as we all know, is the plot of Mob Psycho 100.

Signs that your child is a crystal child include high empathy, being perceived as 'strange' by others or intelligent for their age (see the autistic gifted kid phenomenon), and being sensitive to the point of fussing in crowded spaces. It's also said that crystal children may struggle in socially conventional schools, because of their dislike of rigid authority, being smarter than their teachers, and their lack of response to guilt, fear, or manipulation-based discipline. (Read: indirect communication.)

It is actually a noted phenomenon that many parents, when confronted with a diagnosis like a learning disability, ADHD, or autism, will alternatively label their child as a crystal child. Autism researcher Mitzi Waltz noted this phenomenon, and spoke about it in a 2009 issue of The Journal of Religion, Disability & Health. He suggests that parents recategorize autistic symptoms as telepathic powers to attempt to reconceptualize these autistic traits as a part of a more conventionally positive identity. He also puts into words why this can be harmful, stating that parents could refuse to acknowledge their child's impairments, refuse accommodations, and, quote, "transmit belief systems to the child that are self-aggrandizing, confusing, or potentially frightening." Endquote.

Believe it or not, there are actually MORE examples of myths or conspiracy theories that attempt to explain autistic children as nonhuman. But, I will leave it at those three.

Let's take a brief look into modern media now. Specifically, the "autistic-coded robot" trope. A lot of times, when humans try to write robots, or AI or such, they think that they can just take all essential things that make humanity what it is, and take away a few things. Make them not express empathy, they don't get nonliteral phrases, they obviously speak in monotone. We could sprinkle in a little bit of feeling out of place with humanity for flavor aaaand it's autistic. Your robot is autistic. To name some examples of this trope, think Data from Star Trek, or Zane from Ninjago.

This trope is more or less echoed, beat for beat, with the autistic-coded alien trope. Examples of this flavor of the trope include Peridot from Steven Universe, Spock from Star Trek, or, and I'm sorry for anyone who I'm about to violently throw back into 2016 with this, Keith from Voltron.

Because nonhumanity is so often linked to autistic beings by the culture around us, desiring to be nonhuman or connecting with nonhumanity is now a recognized part of autistic culture. We often feel out of place in neurotypical society. Join autistic spaces, and you’ll see jokes like, “What kind of nonhuman did you think you were as a kid?” (In case you’re wondering, the answer is werewolf for me.) Growing up thinking that the reason behind your autistic traits is because you are secretly nonhuman is a common experience. Jokes about desiring a tail and to purr often go viral within autistic spaces, because they are forms of natural and nonverbal communication that shows those around us that we are happy. The topic of nonhumanity within autistic culture is also talked about within professional settings, such as in Kim Duff’s speech, “The Role of Changeling Lore in Autistic Culture”, at the 1999 Autreat conference of Autism Network International.

There is also discussion of how autistic beings oftentimes connect with animals better than with humans. For example, Temple Grandin is an autistic animal behavioralist who has written extensively on how her being autistic helps her understand how animals feel. For example, she speaks in 2004’s, “Animals in Translation: Using the Mysteries of Autism to Decode Animal Behavior”, and in 1997’s “Thinking the Way Animals Do: Unique Insights from a Person with a Singular Understanding”.

In more modern times, we have the 2022 article, “How Autism Connects Me With Animals”, in which Emily Moran Barwick, writes, quote, “I knew how profoundly frustrating, isolating and demoralizing it was to be unable to convey what I wanted to convey. I knew how it felt to never be truly understood. And it broke my heart thinking of what non-human animals were experiencing at the hands of humans; that no matter how desperately and clearly they communicated their terror and pain, they were ignored and discounted.” Endquote.

All of these connections have led to the creation of subcultures created in an attempt to reclaim the dehumanization put onto us. To name one example, voidpunk is a subculture created by tumblr user arotaro in the 2010s, and more or less hinges on this idea. Key points of this subculture include the rejection of the norm, embracing nonhumanity, and comfort in the unknown. In the words of it’s creator, quote, “It’s not the same as otherkin because it’s not really like, “Ah yes, I am a cat/dragon/wolf/that one guy from Homestuck/etc.”, it’s not necessarily something specific, and it’s not necessarily literally believing you’re something other than human. It’s, well, punk. Society puts out a lot of messages about What It Means To Be Human (trademark) that can make a lot of people who don’t completely fit the bill feel lost, broken, alone, or like they’re doing something wrong; Voidpunk is about taking that message of “you’re not human”, making it your own, and throwing it back in society’s face. You say I’m not human? Sure, ok. That’s chill. Why does being Human (trademark) have to be a goal to aspire to anyway? What’s so great about humanity?” Endquote. She then goes on to specifically namedrop neurodivergents as one of the target audiences for the subculture, as well. She also later answers an ask to clarify, quote, “Someone who doesn’t face dehumanization cannot be voidpunk.” Endquote.

So, where does all of this information intersect with the notable number of autistic alterhumans? Well, that’s just the question, isn’t it? Is it possible that alterhuman identity may correlate with those who have identities and neurotypes which are demonized by society? After all, queer beings are common within alterhuman spaces, too. And, if there is a correlation, is there causation there, as well? There are already some terms coined to describe when alterhuman identity is caused or influenced by autistic traits; such as ‘otherspin’, a term for when one’s alterhuman identity is caused / influenced by special interests. Furthermore, ‘altervexo’ attempts to describe identifying as alterhuman out of spite for the dehumanization one has faced. However, to my knowledge, no term has been made or extensive talks had about, voluntary or nonvoluntary, alterhuman identity, as possibly having origins within dehumanization.

So, I set out to have that conversation. As stated at the start of this panel, I ran a survey, mostly promoted on tumblr, from March 7th to July 1st, posing questions to the autistic alterhuman community about their personal experiences, which got over 500 responses! 537, to be exact. I’d like to share the results of this survey with you now. The raw data collected is available here. (Send link) I will also be posting both the raw data, and the script for this panel, to my tumblr, @azuremist, but that’s mostly for easy archival purposes. Now, it’s NUMBERS TIME, baby!

I asked everyone to indicate if they agreed or disagreed with the statements I made. For the statement, “I believe that my autism has influenced my alterhumanity in some way, shape, or form,” 92% of those who took my survey agreed, and 8% disagreed, which is a WILD split. Far beyond notable.

For the statement, “I feel like the way that autistic beings are seen by society has influenced my alterhumanity”, the split is a bit more even, with 72.4% agreeing, and 27.6% disagreeing.

This means that, of those who I polled who agreed that autism influenced their alterhumanity, 78.6% (rounding down) also agreed that the way autistic beings are viewed in society influenced their alterhumanity. This is a rate a bit over 3 in every 4.

This next question is one of the things that I asked more out of personal curiosity, which is, whether or not they feel more safe to be openly autistic in alterhuman spaces, when compared to other community spaces. Of those polled, 89.4% agreed, and 10.6% disagreed, which makes me quite happy! One anonymous being commented, quote, “I generally find that most alterhuman spaces are a lot more accepting of autistic beings than wider society if that makes sense? Going into an alterhuman space, I'm never concerned that it may not be safe or accessible for me.” Endquote. Someone else wrote in that they could testify to the opposite being true, as well; autistic spaces, in their experience, had a higher likelihood of being accepting of alterhuman identities. However, one being who answered ‘no’ to this question stated that they avoid alterhuman spaces for things related to this subject. They list as an example, quote, “Like the refusal of tone tags? I understand not wanting them to be used for you but banning them from the space all together? And also a lot of spaces, despite being accepting of autistic beings, still find a way to hate those beings for being autistic.” Making community spaces safe for autistic beings is an ongoing learning process for everyone involved. So please make sure to consult your local autistic advocate to make sure everything is accessible for those of all neurotypes.

For the next questions, I asked about everyone’s specific experience with alterhumanity. Another question that I asked, mostly out of curiosity, is, “Would you consider alterhumanity, as a subject, a special interest?” 64.8% of respondents answered ‘no’, and 35.2% answered ‘yes’.

The next question, though, is really quite interesting to me. It asks, “If you have any kintypes which originate from a piece of media: Would you consider that kintype's source material a special interest?” 69% of respondents (nice) answered ‘yes’, and 31% answered ‘no’. That’s a pretty close percentage to the question about alterhumanity as a special interest, but with the answers flipped. Indeed, many times in the section where I invite others to talk about their experience, there are respondents specifically namedropping that they believe their special interests contribute to their alterhumanity. Some, but not all, of these instances include a space conceptkin who has space as a special interest, two catkin, with one having Warrior Cats as a past special interest, and the other, cats in general as one, and someone who specifically wrote, quote, “I also feel as though my special interests in some medias have influenced the fact that I identify with both real and fictional species. For example, I have a large number of original characters who are demons and I feel like my special interest in them may have led me down the path of discovering myself as demonkin.” When discussing the subject of autism influencing alterhumanity, special interests were easily the thing that came up the most, other than how autistic beings are seen by neurotypical society.

The final multiple choice question I had asked, “If you have a nonhuman kintype of any kind: Do you experience species dysphoria and/or euphoria?” To this, 85.9% answered ‘yes’, and 14.1% answered ‘no’.

We can compare this to a survey not aimed at autistic alterhumans; specifically, the ‘Alterhumanity and Gender Survey’, as conducted by Eli, at pantomorph on tumblr. These results were posted on July 22nd of 2019, and reported that, in response to the question, “Do you experience species dysphoria?”, 4.9% answered ‘I used to,’ 8.9% answered ‘unsure’, 22.7% answered ‘no’, 36% answered ‘sometimes’ and 27.6% answered ‘yes’. Adding up the percentages of ‘I used to’, ‘sometimes’ and ‘yes’, we get 68.5% of respondents who are certain that they have, at some point, experienced species dysphoria.

This means that, according to these surveys, autistic alterhumans appear to have a higher chance of experiencing species dysphoria, with a 17.5% difference. Though, keep in mind, I included euphoria in my question, and Eli did not. This would certainly require more data to confirm, however, this at least would warrant further polling, in my opinion.

All of this talk about autistic beings and species dysphoria may have you thinking about the fact that autistic beings are statistically more likely to identify as transgender, with some estimates stating that transgender individuals are up to 6 times more likely to be autistic than cisgender individuals! This is because gender is stupid, and autistic folks are not. Multiple respondents to the survey brought this point up. One being specifically wrote in, quote, “Statistically, autistic folks are more likely to know they're trans than allistics, and I support the theory that that's got something to do with autistic beings seeing things without the lens of social cues and societal pressures, including more awareness of who we are and how we see ourselves. … Society is like, "You should be like this," and autistics are like, "But why? It doesn't really make sense, plus I don't fit in to those standards anyway, so why not choose my own path in life?"” Endquote. I definitely agree that the reason so many autistic folks identify as transgender may be similar to, or the same, reason that autistic folks seem to be more likely to be alterhuman.

Hello to all trans autistic alterhumans listening! Call that a triple threat.

Now, the final question that I asked. I listed multiple different alterhuman identities, and asked everyone to indicate which, if any, of the provided labels that they identify with. And, indeed, my hypothesis when going into this question was proven correct. Of the terms that I provided, it was “nonhuman” that most autistic alterhumans identified with specifically, with 74.9% of respondents identifying as nonhuman. Other popular answers to this question included ‘therian’, with 57.5%, and fictionkin with a nonhuman fictional character. Indeed, I did put two separate options for fictionkin, where they could indicate if their fictional kintype was human or not. 45.1% of respondents had a nonhuman fictotype, and 41.2% of respondents had a human fictotype. So, autistic fictionkin appear to have around a 9% (rounding down) higher likelihood to identify with nonhuman fictional characters. Unfortunately, I could not find another survey to compare this statistic against, but it is a statistic we have now, nonetheless.

Furthermore, I specifically listed 3 common kintypes that have been associated with autistic beings, as previously discussed: fairies, aliens, and robots / technology. Of these, techkin was easily the most popular, with 19.9% of respondents identifying as such. Alienkin and fairykin were close in numbers, with 11.2% identifying as alienkin, and 11.9% identifying as fairykin. On the subject of being robotkin, one being wrote, quote, “I do not on a literal, physical level believe I’m a robot, however, tropes related to robots and the way they behave and are treated feel analogous to my own lived experiences, so in some ways it feels as though I experience my life as a robot would.” Endquote.

Which segways nicely into the final question, which is the filled in responses. For this question, I prompted, “If you have anything you'd like to add, please tell me about your experiences involving your alterhumanity and autism.”

Many took the chance to speak on if they felt like their autism and alterhumanity were connected. As previously mentioned, lots of folks mentioned special interests as a factor. Lots of folks also said that they felt the two were connected, but couldn’t explain how, with a common sentiment being that it is a ‘chicken or the egg’ situation. Two different beings whose kintypes are their past lives wrote in, and both said that a hypothetical allistic version of them wouldn’t be able to get memories as easily. Multiple beings also wrote that they felt like the awakening process was made easier due to their autism. They were so used to seeing themselves as different from everybody else, and not understanding social cues, that they were more willing to take on, quote-unquote, “weird” solutions as the source of their feelings. Other commonly-mentioned points include dehumanization as a reason for alterhumanity, autistic traits being seen as similar to animalistic traits, and the possibly-related high rate of autistic pagans and witches.

Something that I didn’t expect going in, but perhaps should have, is the amount of autistic alterbeings who wrote about their struggle to find words to describe themselves. One ghostkin wrote they felt like their nonconformity to their kintype’s typical associated traits (like darkness, doom and gloom, et cetera) was due to their autism, but that they felt they didn’t belong with other ghostkin because of it. And a LOT of folks wrote in saying that they had a lot of trouble figuring out what terminology to use, especially regarding the ever-dreaded ‘identify with’ or ‘identify as’ question. One being wrote in that they see themself as psychological otherkin, but would be more accurately described as having a neurotype-based, or neurology-based, origin, due to their autism. However, this has caused some issues, as it is not seen as a, quote-unquote, ‘valid’ origin. Someone else describes having issues with this because the community does a lot of gatekeeping, and because it is easier to find beings complaining about words being misused than the actual use of words.

Now, there are some responses that I would like to read in full, or mostly in full, for your listening pleasure.

The first one is as follows. Quote. “When I was 6-ish, I started noticing that people treated me a bit like they treated our old Windows ‘98 Dell computer. The computer was inhuman when it worked (and praised for its distance from humanity! “Yes, it can play videos from the internet! Isn’t technology cool?”) and human when it broke down (“He’s getting overwhelmed, give us a sec.” “She’s blinking at me. I have no idea why this is such a difficult task.” “It ate my fucking CD. Stubborn POS.”). It’s a bit frustrating that my autistic traits are only praised when they make me convenient for others to use... I’m self-sufficient, I’m quiet, I’m a fast learner and a thorough researcher, so I rarely need to bother another person to complete the tasks I’m given. But because that’s all anyone ever seems to want me for... It’s a self-fulfilling cycle which is useful for the neurotypicals but exhausting for me, and when it ends in a burnout (inevitable) then I’m finally treated as human, but only because I’ve failed to be the computer they wanted. So I’m a computer when someone’s pleased with me, and I’m human when I’ve disappointed them. You can see why I might like the idea of being a PC more than a person. Also, when something’s wrong, computers’ error messages are both clearer and harder to ignore than a human’s requests for accommodation. This is a bit of a bummer, sorry. The upside is that I’m crazy good at data analysis now.” Endquote. This was excellently put, and I’m sure something that may resonate with autistic techkin.

Another write-in reads, quote, “One does not have to be autistic to be alterhuman or nonhuman, but one does have to be autistic to be my species. My species does not have human neurology, or allistic neurology. To be my species one must be autistic… though it’s more that my species has neurology which allistics will refer to as autism. I could not be my species if I wasn’t autistic.” Endquote. This is a very interesting response, and, to be honest, I sort of wish I knew what this being’s species was so that I could look more into it. It’s almost like a sort of alternate view of autistic nonhumans or autistic aliens, which is just lovely.

Then, there is this submission. Quote, “Diagnosed with autism at 15, explained a lot, I can't help but wonder - if I'd known, would I still dehumanize myself in the way I do? Other kids called me "cat boy" because when they would pick on me, I'd hiss at them. I don't know why. I think I just saw my cats do it and it was the only way I knew how to retaliate. But it just made them laugh. ... I stopped seeing myself as human a long time ago, more of an animal for people's amusement. ... But when I found out about otherkin, it was like suddenly this experience of mine I was certain I was alone in was shared. For some people it's spiritual, but even in our differences, our feelings were the same. The community taught me to love this nonhuman side of me, and they were understanding of my diagnosis. I didn't feel like an outcast there, they made me feel like it was something to cherish, and I do.” Endquote. Again, absolutely very well-said. Reclaiming and celebrating nonhumanity is, from what I’ve gathered, a large part of the autistic alterhuman experience, and this response phrased it just wonderfully.

Lastly, in regards to responses: shoutout to the one guy who said, “I just finished making my first ever tail, isn’t that sick?”, because yes, yes it is.

Thank you so much again to all the respondents to my survey!

And so, we have now reached the discussion section, which will last until my time runs out. This is where I will cease looking at a script, so please send anything you’d particularly like me to see now! Also, feel free to ask me questions, and I will answer to the best of my ability. Alternatively, tell me about your experiences, or just give general comments!

#othercon #othercon 2023 #alterhuman #essays #alterhuman community #autism #actuallyautistic #actually autistic #otherkin #azure does a thing

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