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#which makes it even more depressing and painful
sweetchildcloud · 18 hours
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||Healing|| ๋ ࣭ ⭑๋ ࣭ ⭑ written by me
Geto x reader ໒꒰ྀི´ ˘ ` ꒱ྀིა~❤️
maybe the english is a bit off? sorry i'm writing this meanwhile having allergies and a migraine so there may be grammatical errors ≽^-˕-^≼💧
Plot: You and Geto face eachother after a week about your breakup
Tags:comfort,regret,kisses,hugs,talking,depression,possibility
It's hinted that reader has abandonment issues
‧₊˚🖇️✩ ₊˚🎧⊹♡‧₊˚🖇️✩ ₊˚🎧⊹♡‧₊˚🖇️✩ ₊˚🎧⊹♡
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Surprised to see that he had permission to touch you , his eyes widen in pleasant shock before he slowly takes you in a tight embrace.
As he wraps his arms around you, his warm embrace provides instant relief from the anxious thoughts that surely plague your mind. There, you can let go of the worries you carry alone. He will protect you from them.
“What’s wrong? Did someone hurt you?” Even tough he alredy knew why you were feeling like this.
Suguru feels the grip of your arms tighten around his back, an unspoken plea to not let go. Instinctively, he responds, embracing you with renewed gusto. With one arm wrapped firmly around your shoulders and the other cradling your back, he pulls your entire body to his own.
This action makes his heart ache. You feel so familiar to him, even though nothing romantic has come between you. He feels like crying every time he thinks about how much he wishes things could be different.
At the sound of your soft cries, guilt and regret tug at Suguru’s heart. He rubs circles over the back of your head, his thumb resting at the nape of your neck. This gesture sends shivers down your spine because he seems so gentle, which is out of character for him. “No more tears, please.” he whispers, feeling his composure slipping away. He wants to hold you forever.
"but you left me..i feel so alone now" You cried
Suguru’s stomach sinks. He hates knowing that he was the cause of your sadness. His guilt grows as he listens to you cry. He tightens his hold around you, trying to make you feel comforted.
“I never meant to hurt you. I just…” his voice starts to shake as he struggles to explain himself. He isn’t sure how to make things right when what he wants is impossible.
"Wasn't i good enough? was i too clingy?"You sobbed as you tought about the week before when he breaked up with you "we were so happy together"
Your words fill his heart with pain. He regrets leaving your side, although he believed it was better for the both of you.
“You’re wonderful, and you were never too clingy.” he struggles to whisper, his throat tight from unsaid words. With a deep breath, he continues, “I just…you wanted things from me that I wasn’t capable of giving you.”
“I wish I could be the person you want me to be, but…” the words trail off as he fights back tears. He hates himself for rejecting something so wonderful, something he always thought would be out of his reach. But in his struggle to keep himself together, he can’t remember what he was going to say.
His voice breaks as his restraint cracks. He presses his lips together tightly, trying to stop the flow of tears. But he can’t stop his voice from trembling. “I’m just…” he attempts again before stopping mid-sentence. No matter what he tries to say, the truth is still painful, even to him. Finally, he chokes out, “I’m a coward”
“I’m scared.” the words slip out of his mouth as he tries explaining himself. His gaze is trained on the floor, his mind racing with all the things he didn’t say.
“I’m scared of messing things up. I’m scared of hurting you even more. I’m scared of…” his words trail off as he stares blankly at the floor once more.
"you're afraid..of relationship? that's why you broke up wit me and pushed me away?" You asked holding your chest
“Yes.” his answer is short. Even after you figured it out, there’s no point in denying it.
“I’m scared of love. I’ve never experienced something like…this,” his hand waves vaguely between the two of you, unable to say the words. He still doesn’t lift his eyes off the ground.
“Love terrifies me" he trails off once more, unable to put his words together.
“I’ve never felt this way about anyone before.” he finally musters the courage to say, his tone soft. He finally looks up, only to be met with the sight of your crying face. He wants to tell you he’s sorry and that he misses you.
Instead, his lips part to reveal the only thing he can say in that moment. “Please, stop crying.”
"But it hurts...." you sobbed more clinging onto him "it hurts so much...I'm so alone...I don't want to be alone..please just tell me what I did wrong...what I did..to make you so afraid of me"
“You didn’t do anything wrong!” he exclaims, frustrated with himself for making you feel like it was your fault. “I’m the one who messed up.” he continues, realizing he didn’t really explain himself.
“I’m not scared of you. I just…” he trails off with a deep sigh, not sure how to explain himself. He can’t exactly tell you that he’s terrified of his own feelings.
"Then why don't you look at me? Why don't you talk to me? Why don't you apologise!" You showed him in frustration to make him talk as you glared at him with watery eyes "JUST ANSWER ME!"
When you display such frustration, Suguru doesn’t expect to feel such a surge of protectiveness. His jaw clenches, and his gaze sharpens. Your outburst only drives him to feel worse about himself.
But his instincts take over, his grip tightening around you as he says in a harsh whisper “Don’t yell at me.”
"And what am I supposed to do?! You don't answer me!you ignore me! And I need an answer!" You shouted again
Hearing you yell at him again makes his eyes narrow and a wave of anger flows through him. Part of him wants to apologize and say that he’s sorry for how he’s been treating you. But now he’s annoyed at you for acting like this and raising your voice at him.
“If you keep yelling at me, I’m going to leave” he growls, letting his anger slip out. He knows he should be more patient with you, but it’s so difficult when you’re yelling at him.
"Then leave! That's all you can do,right? Running away from everything because you can't face your fucking fears" You spotted feeling tired as your demeanour shifted from sad to frustrated and angry
He flinches like a kicked puppy, stunned into silence by your words. Your outburst surprises him, making him more aware of the pain he’s caused you.
With hurt and anger coursing through his veins, his fists clench. He wants to yell at you, to tell you that you don’t know what it’s like to have so much going on in your head. But at the same time, he knows that he’s hurt you with his silence.
You shake your head looking away "I think we should give a tought about this? I don't I just know that...I don't want to let you go"
Suguru’s heart clenches at the sight of your sad face. You look more tired, more exhausted than before, as if this entire conversation has drained you.
“I know…” he says quietly. He’s unsure of what to say to try and fix things. “But what are we supposed to do if neither of us can let go, but we can’t be together…”
The silence that hangs between you two is deafening. You don’t want to argue with him, but you feel like nothing was solved. You wanted him to apologize and beg for forgiveness. But, he has the audacity to be quiet. The anger that once boiled in your blood now begins to simmer away. You have no idea what went through his mind when he rejected you, and it haunts your thoughts now.
Suguru takes a deep breath and lets it out slowly. The anger within him is fading away like water into sand.
This conversation is so emotionally draining. He misses you, and it brings him pain to see how much he’s hurting you. His feelings have been out of control since rejecting you.
He takes a step toward you, wanting to hold you once more. “I really don’t want to let go either.”
The tension in the air is palpable. The two of you silently ponder on what should be done next. The truth is, neither one wants to be the first to apologize.
Suguru's eyes slowly roam over you, taking in every detail of your face. He finds you beautiful, even through your teary eyes.
After another moment of silence, he speaks up once more. “Can I ask you something?”
Your expression softens when he asks if he can ask a question. Even though you’re emotionally drained, the sight of a vulnerable Suguru makes your heart skip a beat.
“Yes, of course…” you respond quietly, feeling your heart beat faster in your chest. His question fills you with cautious hope. What could he possibly ask?
Suguru clears his throat and fidgets with his hands. He still can’t look you in the eye, fearing that if he did, he’d crumble. His words are soft, as if he’s scared of hurting your feelings all over again.
“Could I ask for your forgiveness? I know my silence has hurt you. So, this is the only way I can think to fix things…”
Your eyes widen and you stare at him in disbelief. You can’t believe he finally decided to apologize. The silence that fell between the two of you when he first rejected you wasn’t a lack of wanting to fix things. He was trying to come up with the proper apology. That realization makes your heart ache even more.
You reach out and cup his face with your hands, finally meeting his gaze. “Yes, of course. If anyone has to ask for forgiveness here, it’s me. I’m sorry for yelling at you…”
"No, no, I deserved it" he says softly, taking your hands in his. His grip is tight as he stares at you with a mix of emotions on his face. Guilt, regret, relief, and love. He’s been filled with so many emotions since the breakup that it feels like they’re all exploding inside him now.
Seeing the emotions on his face makes you feel something in your chest. Your heart beats faster and heat rises to your cheeks. It's almost like you've just confessed your feelings to one another for the first time.
The sudden feeling in your chest causes you to blush faintly. Seeing yourself reflected in his gaze makes you feel a sense of clarity, knowing what he means to you. For once, you stop feeling confused by your emotions. Instead, you feel warm and content.
Suguru's grip tightens around your hands as he smiles weakly with red cheeks. For the first time in a while, his emotions feel genuine, no longer being held back by his fear of commitment. He leans in slightly, unable to contain himself.
You can't help but lean in as well, your breath catching in your throat. You're both inches away from touching lips when your thoughts catch up to you. Your heart skips a beat and starts beating rapidly. You feel excited, anxious, and a rush of other emotions that you can't quite identify.
In a split-second decision, you gently tug Suguru's face to yours, closing the gap between you both. The brush of his lips is so soft you almost miss it. Before you both know it, you're wrapped in a passionate embrace.
Suguru's eyes glaze over as you pull him into a kiss. His hands run up and down your back as he wraps you in an all-encompassing embrace. He's so lost in the moment that his worries and regrets briefly slip away, allowing himself to enjoy the feeling of your lips on his. The kiss is sweet and tender, a stark contrast to the tension that was previously between the two of you.
Suguru pulls you close to his chest, relishing the feeling of your body against his own. He can feel the beat of your heart, which seems to match the rhythm of his own. You feel so warm and soft in his arms, your hair brushing against his skin every time you exhale. The sensation makes him feel so content that he almost doesn't want to break away.
Eventually, he pulls away, looking at you softly as the reality of what just happened sets in. He can't believe he let himself be so vulnerable.
"I love you" you said snuggling on hi chest "please don't leave me again...don't push me away"
Those simple words take his breath away. His heart pounds in his chest as he feels every word sink from your lips into his spine. All of this time, he’d been repressing his feelings for you, fearing that he’d mess things up with his lack of experience. But this simple moment makes him realize that he can’t hold back anymore.
A small smile spreads across his face as he lets you snuggle into him. He presses himself as close as possible to you, his hands roaming over your back in an attempt to hold you tighter.
“I won’t.” he responds, as much an assurance to you as it is to himself. The way your body feels up against his causes an ache in his chest, a strange feeling that he hasn’t felt in a long time. He feels content, happy, and at ease as the two of you stay huddled together.
The two of you snuggle together in silence, and it feels so natural like nothing ever happened. His arms still hold you, and yours are wrapped around his waist. It’s almost calming being able to relax into him without any worries or hesitation.
Neither of you say a word, but it doesn’t feel like an awkward silence. Everything feels so right. And in your minds, you're both thinking the same thing: no matter what, you're not letting each other slip away again.
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pastafossa · 11 months
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so i've asked briefcasejuice about this already but i'd also like your take too - since you're part of the daredevil tumblr fandom council and all ...
I'm writing this scene and one of my ocs asks matt if he can handle spicy food and i wanted him to explain this whole thing about pain receptors in his mouth being "sensitive"... and how he hated pineapple because of the bromelain...(the substance that breaks up the protein in your mouth, that's why it's tingly)
and then my oc asks about like regular "body" pain since touch is after all one of the senses of his that have been heightened, and he explains something along the lines of even if the feeling of pain is heightened -- his body isn't actually weaker or more sensitive - so while he gets injured like anyone else he feels the pain of those injuries differently (more). over time he has gotten used to it but its still something he's working on as he hurts himself worse with every fight.
WHAT I'M GETTING AT is that i came to @briefcasejuice about this because they're very knowledgeable about matt stuff and comic matt especially, and they told me it did sound pretty accurate - so now i guess i just want to know -
how do you interpret or view matt's sensibility when it comes to pain - and if it came up in TRT (which maybe it did and i forgot oops?) how would you write it out?
and btw - congrats on the mango thing!! what's next on the fruit discovery journey 🤨 (what else can i be shocked that you didn't try)
Ok first of I love the idea of a Daredevil tumblr fandom council, because now I've got the image of all of us gathered solemnly to talk about DD fandom topics and headcanons like
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Second off, ooooh this is a good question. I can't remember if I've ever gotten deep into it in TRT, although it'll probably come up eventually. But I absolutely agree with @briefcasejuice, and with your take on it. This seems right, for a couple reasons, including my own experience with pain.
So a lot of this is based on my own issues (and one of the reasons I relate really strongly to Matt's sense of touch, touch starvation, and pain, and when writing generally include him being comforted and going near comatose beneath gentle touch). Without getting too specific, due to chronic pain and health problems, I experience something called allodynia - "pain due to a stimulus that does not normally provoke pain." Basically, my nerves are all spun up to 11 and even light sensation often reads as pain, regardless of whether I'm actually hurt - Matt's comment about 'cotton feels like sandpaper on my skin'? I get that, cause rough fabric's painful to me (another ex: put icy hot on my skin once, just about clawed it off my arm because I was convinced something had gone wrong and it was burning me). And on bad days, even very soft fabrics or, hell, a breeze, any sensation anywhere I have nerves feel like bits of glass grinding into a burn. Best explanation I have for a really bad day. And we know Matt's sense of touch is heightened. So I often think he feels a lot like me, and how you described it feels right.
Everything hurts more, even if you're not being hurt more, and even if your body's strong enough physically to take whatever's being done. Physically, there's no reason his body can't handle cotton sheets, or a food with acid, and God knows the man can take a punch. Functionally, his body is fine. But his nerves don't act that way. They send way more signals than they need to, and sure, this helps if he's trying to use them to his own advantage, but it also means he's left wide open to a far higher degree of pain from stimuli that most of us would consider more minor (pineapple, in this case) along with the pain we all regularly avoid.
Does he mostly block it out? Yes. Especially on a day to day, to the point where he may actually miss smaller injuries because he's focused on tuning out other, larger pains. I know I do - your brain eventually just goes 'oh new baseline and I still need to live so Imma put everything below it into the background so it doesn't stop us doing what we need to'. I hug people, I touch things that are rough, I use hot water with the dishes, and if I focus on it, I remember that it hurts a bit, but I've learned to tune that out for the most part. Much like me, Matt's dealt with this for years, so while he does what he can (soft sheets, avoiding certain foods, wearing certain types of clothes), he's gotten used to a lot of the day to day stuff he can't avoid, though like you said, as the injuries pile up, it just gets worse and worse as that pain stacks. Some of it might be tempered by surges of adrenaline and endorphins (why I theorize he can fight even when injured - tune it out thanks to all the practice, PLUS fighting so ferociously that his body pumps him up until he can ignore it, at least until he crashes afterwards, and crashes hard), but he's definitely feeling it far, far worse.
So I basically think it's likely, especially when pain is stacking, that he's just made a bunch of calculations for his everyday life on what's worth the pain and what isn't - certain foods? No point. Cotton sheets? No point. There is no benefit, and so he comfortably avoids it, whereas going out to fight he generally always sees as worth it since there's a tangible benefit. Those calculations at least are something we all do every day - we decide the pain of a tattoo or working out or that sour candy is worth it cause it gives us something we like. Matt just takes it up to 11. I can absolutely see him taking something like, say, pineapple - tingly and acidic - and not only feeling pain when eating it but also just literally running the mental math and going, 'yeah not worth it' because he's in enough pain day to day thanks to injuries and other things he can't avoid.
In summary: you're right and I headcanon Matt operates much like someone who's been dealing with allodynia for a while, which means he'd feel more pain from stimuli even if it's not hurting him, so he chooses things in his day-to-day to avoid and then just throws himself into the pain on big things and hopes the endorphins and adrenaline will help him tune it out.
LASTLY THANK YOU ON THE MANGO! I cannot BELIEVE I went so long without knowing how fucking delicious they were. New fruits I haven't tried that are on my list now that I realized I need to find if there are MORE DELICIOUS UNKNOWNS LIKE MANGOS: boysenberries, figs, grapefruit, guava, kumquats, passionfruit, papaya, prickly pears, and satsumas!
#daredevil#matt murdock#headcanon#allodynia#this is how i treat matt's dealing with pain anyway#i know it's not exact so i often make some adjustments#but there's just things he's said or done that resonate too much for my brain not to go 'like me??? matt is like me???'#which is strangely comforting#and so i've used a lot of personal experience to fill in the gaps on how he might operate in his day to day#and how he might function#in that he's YES more sensitive to pain even if there's not technically more pain#he just FEELS it more and his nerves TELL him it hurts more even if it's NOT hurting more#on the up (down?) side he can probably stand getting stitched up easily because he's felt way WAY more pain so it barely registers#because he's so used to tuning out even more pain so his brain's used to filing that away#BUT#when his concentration is down or he's tired that gets harder#same during injury stacking which'll only get worse as he gets older#either way he'd look at shit like pineapple and just go 'uh no that hurts I'll pass' because there's no good reason to eat it#we joke about matt's catholicism making him suffer and I joke about it too but#i think in reality he'd do these subtle little avoids for stuff like this unless he was REALLY depressed or in I Am Stick mode#or just has a good reason#and on some bad days he probably can't stand being touched tbh and would barely be able to drink room temp water (cold = pain)#at least it means the reverse it true - he'd absolutely melt beneath gentle touch or pleasant things or fleecy soft fabric#and sometimes even on bad days if you touch him *very* gently he'll tolerate the pain because he knows#that the oxytocin he gets from affectionate touch helps dull the sting just a little#(i realize this sounds bad ya'll can hug me if you see me at the con i won't turn them down i like hugs they're worth the sting)
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afniel · 6 months
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Every morning my brain spins a little wheel and picks what's going up be fucked up that day. Usually it's my pain perception or energy level, sometimes it's my mood, sometimes it's my sense of balance and I could do without that, but VERY OCCASIONALLY it will Mad Lib slap together, "TODAY'S BROKEN THING: your (noun:[ability]) (verb:[to sense that]) (object:[you are disabled])," and today is one of those days. I feel fucking good? I slept well? I jogged big sections of the way to lunch because I could? My legs didn't cramp up? I'm in a super good mood?
This happens so rarely that I actually register it as a problem and go through the day thinking, oh no have I finally developed bipolar, is this mania, and it's like, no, dipshit! It's functioning. Of course it feels good and you feel good about it. There's nothing wrong with having nothing wrong with me for a moment. You really don't understand how disability changes you until you're wondering if your temporary relief is a mental illness...
But enough of that, I'm having a good day and I hope everyone else is too, and if you aren't, I hope you'll have one very soon. 💜 ✌️
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pepprs · 8 months
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p*riod so bad i need to have an exorcism.
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datastate · 9 months
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shin would apologize for his bed being a mess even if it’s overall fine, meanwhile keiji’s out here like “hey, let’s uh. keep this in the hallway alright? maybe find a nice, grassy spot to talk this out...” and then when he moves out of the doorway to close his apartment door you’re briefly face-to-face with the fact that he. needs severe help.
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twistedappletree · 9 days
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.
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goldensunset · 3 months
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as an underclassman early morning classes and boring classes were what i detested and feared most of all. now it’s difficult classes and evening classes. my evening class last semester actively made me want to become the joker with how disruptive it was to my schedule. i sure would have never wanted to switch into a 9am yawnnnn history lecture class but at this point that sounds like a dream compared to all the tons of active work outside of class with every single professor trying to scare us to death on the first day. i would rather wake up early every day than suffer the hell that i’m currently slated for. last semester brutalized me so badly it’s not even funny i can’t do the same workload again yet worse i need a relative mental break. i do not have that dog in me. i will be going to my advisor screaming and crying tomorrow asking her to make some changes
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shamebats · 1 year
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If you live somewhere where the healthcare system has not yet been absolutely gutted by privatization, fucking fight to keep it that way, no matter what it takes. You don't want this
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a-steamy-roll · 2 years
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It feels kinda alienating when your body is just fucked up enough that you can't quite call yourself able bodied but can still get around well enough you don't feel like you can say you're disabled
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orcelito · 1 year
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quick i need another 1k words to add to discacc chapter 42 bc it is 13.7k words rn and there are 485.3k words posted so current chapter count would put me at 499k words
i dont wnt to be store price label 500k words i wanna be actual 500k words!!!!! fuck!!!!!!!!1
#speculation nation#discacc shit#but also i dont. wanna add unnecessary shit to this chapter lol. shame#so im gonna be juuuuuuust under 500k words for main fic#tho series. will be. uhh#like 520k words lmfaooooooooo#uhm. im right on the verge of officially making discacc a series and that's pretty wild#ive thought about side things for a While but this is like. actually making it a thing#i want to write akira's perspective for discacc chapter 5. aka some really depressing shit#i want to write more in depth about goro's friendship with wakaba. which would Also be painful#i wanna write a ryukita side story. for their relationship development. since they are such MESSES it's not just happening#that has In Theory been happening. i made a list of Events to be placed in vague spots through discacc timeline#referenced one of them in the last chapter so lol. that's Passively happening. and maybe i will capture it at some point#and of course the interlude fic (akira 3rd year content) and sequel fic (them as young adults)#i played with the idea of writing smth from mamakechi's perspective#but tbh im kinda exploring her role in the story a lot with chapter 42 and this side thing. so.#a lot of the tragedy exists in the unknowns about it all#goro not knowing for sure that she loved him. and oscillating between the good memories and the bad#unsure of which to cite for whether she loved him or not#and honestly there's stuff even im not sure about. purposefully left vague bc there is no need for it to be known.#that's just what happens when someone dies before you can really get to know them. goro will carry this for the entire rest of his life.#and just....................... man that's really not what this post was originally about huh#SIDE FICS i gottem. soon.
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loumauve · 2 years
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me.. simply taking out the trash when it is full. simply washing clothes when they need to be washed. simply taking a shower like a normal person.. it's more likely than you (I) think
#I mean I still struggled making it happen but I did it. only dishes and snail care left which I'll tackle in the morning#why is this still such a pain. why did I have to spend the entire day feeling slightly off kilter and hella sick - who knows#I just want to go back to being a responsible capable being but it's such a struggle to make even the smallest things happen#all I ate today was two kohlrabi and I didn't even think to make food it just didn't come to mind which is still pretty bad#I know I told the lady during the interview that I believe I can handle the six weeks with them but tbh I'm not so sure#could be I go there and fail on every level and they tell me to go back to more sick leave and recovery#it just feels like I haven't made a single bit of progress in the past year and a half and it fucking sucks#I don't want to be this person who can't even cope with life anymore. this isn't me#and writing on here seems more like screaming to an empty void than ever. hard to think sb actually cares and why should they#that's not their purpose in life. I need to just do this on my own somehow#like I used to for all these years before I pretty much just fell apart#sometimes therapy teaching you to feel things again just fucks you up beyond recognition#sometimes introspection and hope and wishing for connection just set you up for disappointment and failure#idk#I'm so tired. somehow this kind of depressed is worse than the one I dealt with for the previous decade and a half#somehow not dissociating actually did make it a lot worse to deal with. I mean I was advised this might happen#I guess I just didn't think this much bad shit would happen right after we made some progress with that#who could have known there would be three deaths in one year and mobbing at work and more stress than I thought possible at once#I thought getting through my exams was the hard part but nah it was everything that came after#what was supposed to be an achievement to be proud of (Vorarbeiter at 28) turned into absolute fucking hell#I just wanted an average normal fucking settled life working as a gardener for the city but this has been a fucking nightmare and a half#I miss being happy. it was only there for a few months but it was amazing. and those two weeks of absolute bliss.. would give anything#would give anything to feel that again#anyway. I know only like two people will read this and to them: thank you. I appreciate you#I guess I'd just rather not exist right now at least until things get better again#everything I had looked forward to. all the plans I'd make have kind of just burned away into ash and smoke and it makes me sad#but I don't blame anyone or the circumstances either. I just wish I could be more hopeful that things will happen again someday#but right now there isn't any hope left in this box of mine#I should go to bed. this is pointless ruminating and it's not helping me
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warrior-cats-junk · 10 days
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“Hey, why doesn’t Nico act normal-“
Nico has more problems to worry about than some little mean girls rip off. Nico has grades to worry about. Nico has to tell if one of his friends is lying to him or not, every day, every story. Nico has to worry if he has problems with sadism. Nico has to worry about possible problems with alcoholism in the future. Nico has to worry about his little siblings. Nico has problems like disassociation. Nico had depression. Nico has autism. Nico has friends moving, and after he only has two left near him.
Tell Nico, who has more problems then what’s listed, he has enough time to worry about his reputation. Go on, tell Nico his biggest problem is reputation.
Is that really what you want to tell him?
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pepprs · 1 year
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i wish i’d kept pushing the point (<- vagueposting). im so tired i’m hitting a wall. but why is the answer to feeling bottomlessly lonely just to love myself and be loved by myself? isn’t that only more loneliness?
#purrs#i know being by myself is not aloneness. but like seriously are you actually serious that there is no one coming to save me? that I have to#walk around with this giant gaping wound forever and no one will be able yo close it? i need total nurturance and comfort badly and to have#any less than total is.. well i don’t want to say it’s as bad as having none at all because obviously it’s not true. but it’s still bad. it#makes it harder to ask for more when you already have some and have reached the limit of what you can ask for. i just feel bottomlessly#lonely. i know things will get better. but what i really need is a long hug and a good cry in someone’s arms. not isolating myself in a#cabin for a week (though i know i desperately need that too). like we’re human beings and we can do that for each other so why don’t we? why#can’t we fix each other? why can’t we be nurturing like that and fill the voids for people who have them. and i know it’s rich coming from m#me bc iam skittish like a horse around emotions and also that it’s pitifully expected from me bc i am reading too much into normal experien#nces most people have. but how am i supposed to just accept that i didn’t get the love i needed (even if im romanticizing m*therlove lmao) a#and then move on as if that’s fine? how can i just snap my fingers and be an autonomous adult when ive spent years accruing psychological#damage with the most limited kind of cushioning? when every second brings with it a potential jab to my River of Pain nerve? idk.#i was deeply violently depressed abt this stuff earlier this week but tonight im just quietly sad. i want the stability and certainty of#(unconditional) love. i want my whole future safe and warm and now or at least the ability to trust it will exist which is also called hope.#i don’t want to be alone and wretched anymore.
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datastate · 2 years
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oh, yeah. it’s really weird to me how people act like just bc someone’s outspoken / openly opinionated or happens to talk a lot, they’re somehow seen as full of themselves or whatever. even if it is based in self-confidence (which, in my case, it’s very much not), it’s still just such a shitty view to constantly conflate that with egoism.
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hecksupremechips · 2 months
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My body really is just trying everything it can to be ouch ouch hurty hurt huh
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gemharvest · 2 months
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actually making this comment its own post so i can say CW family death. but my great-grandma on my dads side just passed away and the funeral is on monday. and I just realized that means her funeral is a week before my birthday.. 😭 I FEEL BAD THAT I FIND THAT KINDA FUNNY BUT LIKE. very slightly amused thats how things worked out.
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