#which maybe i seem overly negative but that's just the Natural Process. especially in the summer. I'm not genuinely disheartened or upset

[asherlockstudy]

Rhett and Link’s problems with the Enneagram

I have now watched both Enneagram EBs and the second one actually set my gears to work (So Anon here it comes! I promise it was spontaneous).

After listening to Link and mostly Rhett talk about the Enneagram again and again, I realised I have a problem but I can not place its exact root. There is either something fundamentally wrong with the Enneagram itself or maybe it’s Rhett and consequently Link who talk about it in a way that made me feel a little uncomfortable.

My problem and cause of concern was that everything that was said during the two podcasts had a clear negative tone to it. I will have to bring in myself to it to give you an example so bear with me for a paragraph. I did the test and I am a 5 (Investigator - Observer, something like that) which suits me rather well, especially since it agrees perfectly with my Myers-Briggs INTP type. The results said I was a 5w6 (essentially an emotionless analytical robot) which is definitely wrong as I am clearly a 5w4 (a sad mess who analyses the world and searches pointlessly for the true meanings in life and wants to come up with the ultimate all-encompassing philosophy). I mean, OK, they are not described exactly like that but trust me, that’s the point. But despite all the flaws associated with it, especially in the fields of socialising and tremendous procrastination due to an insane fear of failure, I am actually very much in touch with it. I revel in analysing, in trying to see the bigger picture, to make up my own theory about life and the world. It gives me fuel to go on, it fills me with excitement, it gives me a purpose.

Now, what I kept hearing from Rhett and Link are the things they would hope to run away from. I can’t seem to remember a single positive thing they said about their personalities. All traits they mentioned ( which were all pretty one-dimensional for both I dare say) were presented in the context of torturing them and having to confront them. With these insights in their personalities and the spiritual deconstructions earlier, their old (surprising back then) statement that they are “fundamentally sad people” makes more and more sense. Some of their traits, like Link’s care for perfection to the smallest detail and his moral concerns could have been neutral or positive but, no, they are almost all given as clear negatives or at least as things that have an emotional toll on them.

This gives me the impression that Link and especially Rhett have found comfort in studying the Enneagram and try to find an explanation for what they are like, to feel part of a group, represented in their misery. In short, they focus on the analysis of the flaws of their personalities as a part of who they are and avoid dealing with the root that caused said flaws. Link is more self aware while Rhett still struggles to reach the root of it, which is his childhood. Not that he doesn’t know it but he can’t just deal with the people and the situations that impacted him enough to make him a three. For instance, Rhett seems to believe that he is a natural three that his parents made manifest even more strongly. It could be the case or the threeness we observe in him is the direct product of his parents’ constant judgement. By keeping chanting he needs to “be” instead of “do”, I am not sure Rhett will achieve much. Honestly, the one impactful step he needs to take is to stop caring about what his father thinks and I am sorry to say he is still not near achieving this. Especially when I take into account how scared he was during his videocall with his dad in GMM and how relieved he looked after the call was over without drama. In short, my problem with their take in the Enneagram is that it seems that Three is Rhett’s pack of unresolved issues rather than his complete personality type.

Furthermore, Rhett speaks knowingly about all numbers / personality types which proves he consumes passionately all Enneagram information that is available. For a man of his level of active lifestyle, hectic schedule and impatience, this shows that he indeed seeks comfort in finding a detailed description and an explanation for his personality, for the way he feels and acts. What does this mean? Well, that he does not like the way he feels about himself a lot. Not only that, but he is actually in a search of self. At this point, he is no longer cryptic about it but it is more serious than he lets on. He tries to make sense of himself and he tries desperately to find something in himself to love. I hope there are people in his life who let him know that he is worthy of their love, friendship and appreciation even though he is so deep inside his head that even the affectionate feedback can only help so much. Rhett will start finding some peace only if he takes the one step I mentioned above.

And then it seems that Link’s personality type is also exclusively a byproduct of his childhood and is aggravated by his relationship with Rhett. Link’s perfectionism doesn’t cause him enthusiasm - he just dreads the disturbance of his supposedly perfectly stable world. In all honesty, Link doesn’t strike me as an ambitious person. Link would just love to have his dear routine and a loyal person to share it with. Link needs stability and companionship. He is fine with just one person as long as this person contributes to the stability of their bond. Who that one person is in Link’s life is another story…

Link doesn’t care that much about the creative process and, frankly, he doesn’t care all that much about the comedy. Link cares to keep the environment Rhett and he work stable and safe. For Link, judgement from the audience is not as alarming as Rhett’s frustration because of it. Link cares to ensure that Rhett’s idea will be successful enough to keep working and to keep working together. So Link’s entire self-identification as a one seems to stem from his fear of abandonment and worthlessness only. Link fears he has not much to contribute to Mythical and he tries to counteract that by becoming the ultimate source of management and control. Because if he didn’t even manage the company, then what would Rhett need him for? Hence, Link’s obsession for control is a consequence of his fear, he doesn’t necessarily love to be in control for the sake of it. This is proven by his plane example, which shows that he finally relaxes when he does NOT need to be in control.

Link has been working hard most of his life to ensure his position next to Rhett. This brings even more insight in his resentment for Rhett that explodes from time to time. Link resents Rhett because he tries so hard to be always by his side but due to Rhett’s opportunitism, he can’t tell whether Rhett wants his companionship or he simply needs it for their brand. Even worse, Link dreads that the reason Rhett is his friend is because Link feeds his ego with his loyalty and admiration, because he takes Link for granted and not because he loves Link for who he is.

“Do you care for me or do you revel in the fact that I care for you?”

Now, I can’t get inside Rhett’s head but I doubt he uses people. I believe his genuine care for Link can be found in the weirdest examples - those from which Rhett has nothing to gain i.e getting frustrated when Link doesn’t enjoy food as much. Yes, this is a sign of love. Rhett enjoys food so much that he wants to share that enjoyment with Link. He can’t realise Link’s tongue works differently - he thinks Link is missing out and it frustrates him. Another silly example is Rhett buying Apocalypse equipment for a clearly disinterested Link and probably never getting its money’s worth back. This is important to Rhett for some reason and he is concerned enough to protect careless Link as well despite having no personal gain from it.

The truth is that these two men feed off each other; Rhett keeps Link attached to him to always feel worthy and Link keeps Rhett attached to him to always feel safe. However, the fact that Rhett is almost his entire source of safety and that Link is Rhett’s biggest calibrator of worth is indicative of the levels of love and need. Nevertheless, Rhett and Link are not independent people. They were constantly in search of support from one another and they lost themselves in the process of satisfying others or being safe. This is something they are realising only now.

Link’s fear of abandonment is so big that it frequently leads him to an almost paranoid behaviour. It is crazy that he felt left out when Rhett communicated with the audience during a podcast whose key purpose is to… communicate with the audience. His fear here has two sides: 1) that Rhett didn’t consider him an equally important business partner so he preferred to speak directly to the audience and 2) that Rhett isn’t emotionally invested in him in order to open up to him. And by saying he can deceive people if he needs, Rhett doesn’t help Link overcome his huge insecurities. This is why Link begs Rhett to talk to him about his feelings more. He does not understand whether Rhett loves him or uses him. The notion that Rhett doesn’t truly love or appreciate him is one of his biggest fears in life.

As for Rhett, it is certainly huge growth that he starts opening up and being vulnerable to a few thousand strangers yet it all still derives from his need to be accepted by said strangers as I am afraid that the late disproportionate criticism he gets for silly stuff on Twitter and Tumblr surely don’t help him deal with his issues, no matter how hard he tries. Therefore, Rhett is trapped in a vicious circle. Besides, Rhett was overly sensitive to be hurt when Link stated the obvious; that he was being vulnerable in hopes to be understood and accepted, because that was clearly what Rhett was openly doing. However, having someone discussing openly his vulnerability immediately made Rhett retreat back to his shell because no matter how hard he tries, Rhett hasn’t managed to separate vulnerability from weakness in his mind yet.

Long story short, Rhett and Link might be Three and One respectively but I am not sure they have a good understanding of themselves anyway. They may have figured out their types correctly but they certainly narrow their entire sense of being to their unresolved issues and phobias. They entirely lack a sense of self-worth and they probably have not realised the extent of the traumas in their youth. In the Enneagram language, the nine personality types have nine levels of development. I believe Rhett and Link are either in the average levels or the mildest unhealthy level. They are certainly not in the healthy top three levels.

Their obsession with the Ennegram helps only superficially but they seem to have based an illogically huge part of their self exploration on it. The Enneagram might offer some insight but won’t offer the resolutions they long for and badly need in order to find some relief. The ones that come when you confront your environment instead of overanalysing yourself and beating yourself up because of it.

#Rhett and link #ear biscuits #Rhett McLaughlin #link Neal #Enneagram #randl #r&l #mythical

[the-ghost-king]

Interestingly enough the fandom isn't always rational with their criticism. Take Percy and Rachel for instance. A perfectly healthy cute and functional relationship dynamic, but people really hated it because it got in the way of Percy/Annabeth.

I think it can also come down to the fact that not all situations are exactly equal if that makes sense. If you have a character dynamic in couple A, that often playfully bully of fight with eachother that's a different dynamic than relationship B, where one person has trauma resulting from bullying and the other parter behaves in roughly the same way as couple A do. In that case the behavior may be seen as inappropriate. Not that this example has anything to do with the ships at hand, but I think a long form meta examining the different paralleling issues from both relationships and their validity would be easier.

Also I haven't seen anything about about Nico/Will being called toxic. Yikes, what are people saying exactly, because I don't doubt a lot of people might be projecting unconcious bias.

Oh absolutely, I may seem young but I remember the Rachel vs Annabeth ship wars all too well... I do not want to go back 😅

The rest is under a read more though, I got a little carried away talking! Also this isn't my best post on the issue by far so please feel free to check out the tags I mention later on!

(AN: I use nblm alongside mlm in this post because some nblm individuals will consider their attraction to men as gay, or queer, while others will not and those individuals are often closely connected to mlm experiences and they also deserve to talk about their thoughts and feelings if they wish. I am aware nonbinary people are not a monolith and not all nonbinary people will categorize themselves or their attraction this way, it's up to nonbinary individuals reading this to determine where they fall on what)

As for Solangelo being toxic some of the conversations revolve around the ableist nature of the ship, this is definitely most obviously a dynamic in BoO, and it's a more than fair point about the ship I don't have anything negative to say there in the slightest!

(The above parallels with the idea that Will is introduced as a "healer character" for the "sad gay kid", which is a fair criticism as well but one that's often left rather one sided, because while that is true- if it's a way Nico likes being treated (watched closely for injuries and cared for) then it's not wrong, and in ToN Will is seen overstepping Nico's boundaries which causes a healthy argument about Will doing so and he stops, so if Nico doesn't tell Will "no" or some variation he's obviously not horribly uncomfortable with the situation, or from the way it would be interpreted alongside previous text, there's fair reason to think he likes it)

The thing with Solangelo I see often is "Nico is still processing trauma, and internalized homophobia and isn't ready for a relationship" which is a huge misunderstanding on how trauma and internalized homophobia work as a whole, because the experiences can be different for everyone. You can absolutely date someone while processing internalized homophobia, you may struggle with certain things but it is absolutely doable for some people. And trauma is such a varied thing, and it's not like he's solely relying on Will either, he is seeing Dionysus for therapy and getting the help he needs! Your life doesn't have to go on hold for therapy no matter how much trauma you are sorting through! (Not disclosing my medical history or anything but I have struggled with both things and my life didn't stop for me to deal with them, I made new friends, went on dates, etc- it is possible depending on the person so the very narrow view of "this is unhealthy" and "this is impossible" rubs me wrong when it's treated as fact over opinion, because it's an opinion).

There's also constant discussions about how fandom (in current) fetishizes both Nico and Will, which I, and other mlm and nblm have spoken our own thoughts on multiple times to be largely ignored by the biggest perpetrators of this "they're overly fetishized narrative". There's also fairly consistent discussion of how fandom treats Nico and reduces him to uwu small gay boy, which more often than not seems to mean "effeminate" rather than actually harmful stereotyping (yes queer men are allowed to be "girly" especially considering there is some canon text that could be interpreted with that meaning, if there wasn't a plausible way to determine canon that way I wouldn't care if people were going after others feminizing Nico a bit- but the issue is again, fact and feeling aren't the same and fandom seem to conflate the two rather often).

(Some of that ties into nonbinary Nico head canons which are common as of current, and that argument quickly becomes transphobic is people don't watch themselves... Even without bringing nonbinary Nico into the equation, headcanoning Nico as femme isn't bad or wrong, and to say otherwise becomes gender policing which is bad).

There's also this weird obsession with there being a "correct way" to ship mlm ships (specifically solangelo), which when considering it's not mlm or nblm saying those things, it becomes really uncomfortable. Especially because the wording of some posts is less "hey this is homophobic" and comes off more like people are more upset at seeing an mlm couple than at the fact that they're being shipped poorly.

All of this in combination with the constant, talking over of queer guys (specifically mlm and nblm) comes off really messed up, and yeah homophobic.

It's not something that can be pinned down to one specific thing but rather a series of smaller microagressions (which in sure most of are intended in good faith but are being filled with subconscious bias) that build up over time- which is why my concern is that solangelo is facing harsher criticism/different treatment that percabeth simply for being a queer ship.

I can't be 100% sure on that like I said, because that's something that is hard to gain tangible evidence for, or maybe even impossible :/

If there wasn't so many other small things going on alongside the harsher criticism of solangelo, I would honestly just ignore it... But the weird policing of "how to ship solangelo" while proclaiming it's "overly fetishized" all while speaking over a not insignificant number of mlm and nblm who have agreed with certain opinions, or taken time to write their own (+ some of the rhetoric that can be found on he blogs of people commonly expressing these opinions) is super uncomfortable and definitely homophobic... Even if they were treating the ship kind of weird, but treating the queer guys talking about it well and actually listening (because the current solangelo fandom probably has the highest proportion of queer guys in comparison to any other fandom I've been in with an mlm ship as of right now) I wouldn't be so bothered... But sadly that's not the case..

(I'd also like to note out of my posts criticizing the current conversations happening around the issue my post saying "listen to mlm voices" got a lot more notes than some of the other ones, which I can't say is specifically anything, because like solangelo perhaps being treated unfairly to percabeth, I am willing to acknowledge there might not be an issue- but it's weird how often mlm and nblm's posts on "listen to us" will be uplifted but never any actual criticism... Just a thought)

I detail things a little closer and in more detail in some of my posts tagged #fandom homophobia, #mlm fetishism, and #gender policing in fandom, it's not a full or comprehensive list (I've only really started speaking up in the last month or so), and it is largely solangelo specific. However I am always interested in listening to the voices of other queer guys about the issues and hearing out their thoughts as well (people aren't a monolith and I'm interested in trying to be as nuanced as possible!) and I acknowledge that although I am mlm and am going to be a little better at recognizing issues and calling them out (although I like every person am not perfect of course)

So yeah! That's a bit of the current ongoings, again not a full comprehensive list, and definitely not my best explanation ever but I think the point gets across well enough? Definitely check out my other tags if you're interested in more, there's also definitely more posts I need to make on some of the things I've seen (maybe not all of them so solangelo fandom specific, and maybe some of them even more solangelo fandom specific) but it's rather slow work in progress!

#asks #anon #long post

[the-new-anime-girl]

Hiii!! I just read your post about Gojo and sugar and overstimulation and I need mooooore info!!! I really like it and I want to read it with details, could you do a long post about that?? (I don’t care if it has ten page on Word, I’ll gladly read it <3) have a wonderful day and stay safe!!!

Thank you for the ask, it really surprised me in a good way when I saw it, and I hope this post is satisfactory! Don't be afraid to ask for clarifications, I'll use my still-shallow understanding of psychology to answer to the best of my abilities!

Now, MANGA SPOILERS FOR JJK (Mainly Flashback arc)! Enjoy :)

Let's begin with my hypothesis that Gojo is especially sensitive to some types of physical touch, in this case pain. I think that's because of the infinity (which he used only in battle as a teen but seems to always use as an adult). Gojo isn't used to being injured and feeling pain like that. As an adult he may even be unused to everyday pains like stubbing a toe.

Him being unused to any serious pain may explain his intense reaction during the fight against Toji.

When he is suddently gravely injured for maybe the first time and that pain persists over time (I don't have the exact time but we can assume at least almost half an hour from the first fight with Tojo to the rematch), his brain could register the sensory information extremely dangerous and set off alarms Big Time™.

As an adult I also think the continuous use of Infinity against almost anything and everything could lead to Gojo feeling understimulated in spite of all the information (or visual stimuli) he gets from the Six Eyes.

People who are chronically understimulated seek out experiences which stimulate them in the sense that the nervous system is aroused (activated). Activities like this include parachuting or gambling. Gojo uses the physical 'stimulant' of sugar, but he could also be arousing his nervous system in other ways, by seeking out excitement. (I'm actually wondering if his teasing of other people to get reactions is one of those ways).

Before diving into excitement we need to talk about the mechanisms behind why we approach or avoid things -we need to talk about BAS and BIS.

Firstly, and more interestingly in this case, is BAS. BAS stands for Behavioural Approach System, its the signal we that encourages us to approach something, like food, warmth or friendly people.

People with highly activated BAS are very sensitive to rewards and more likely to approach situations that can give them good rewards, in spite of significant risks!

People who are understimulated may have more BAS tendencies, so could this be another part of Gojo's character?

Well, he doesn't seem to have a strong BIS. BIS stands for Behavioural Inhibition System, and it's what makes us avoid something. People with very active BIS are more sensitive to punishment, and can often avoid situations in fear of a negative outcome, despite the possibilities of great reward.

To me Gojo definitely feels more like a person dominated by the BAS. And why would he not be? He is The Strongest™, he doesn't have to worry about most fights because he always has his raw power to fall back on. If he goes all out with no restraints he will always win, so there is no reason not to approach a situation if he wants to. And I'm not saying he always succeeds, even in the fight against Jogo he doesn't learn anything and Jogo gets away, but he wins the physical fight.

And even as Jogo gets away, Gojo doesn't seem sad or angry, he is happy -smiling and joking with Yuuji!

In most fights that Gojo participates in he seems calm and collected, but often times he also seems glad! For example with how he in the fight itself jokes around and toys with Jogo, reveling in mocking him.

This is his personality, but that is ofc influenced by the underlying psychological mechanisms and processes. So this behaviour could be seen as him entering fights giddy because he is chasing a possible high reward.

And this could be another way for him to seek the excitement he needs because he feels understimulated, and is spured on by his strong BAS.

The excitement and arousal Gojo seeks in fights may be what makes him reach optimal level of arousal. This is another mechanism I mentioned in my original post, but to put it simply optimal level of arousal refers to activation of the nervous system and how well one performs a task. If a task is easy or well-practiced we can perform it  our best under pressure (but not too much), but if we're new to the task even smal amounts of pressure can make us fail miserably.

Gojo seems to reach optimal level of arousal during fights, he always performs well in the fights themselves. As stated in the manga, Gojo is in his element when he fights alone. Easy fights don't push him, so he seems more at ease there, but harder fights (early Shibuya *cough* *cough*) definitely makes it seem like he is "in the zone" -optimal level of arousal, I would rather say!

Returning to his fight against Toji, I would argue that the overwhelming sensations he felt on top of the effects of the Six Eyes pushed him out of optimal level of arousal, which made him falter and fail.

But it was also in that near death experience that he "grasped the core of cursed energy", suddently understanding a lot of previous unavailable information. All of this combined probably made his brain go 'haywire', firing off and obscene amount of signals even as it was being regenerated.

All of this activation in Gojo's nervous system could have been too much for him, and made him (at leas feel) overstimulated.

(just a note bc I love talking about psychology; overstimulated ppl often want to receive less stimulation and people with naturally more stimulated nervous systems therefore seek less excitement in daily life, preferring fewer people and more quiet.)

Gojo seemed ecstatic in the rematch against Toji -Toji even asked (in the translation I read) if Gojo was high. As the rematch began Gojo was giddy and excited talking about his new knowledge, shouting and laughing. This lends itself to the reading of Gojo being overstimulated, since one symptom I didn't touch on in the original post, is feeling overly excited. At the same time, near the end of the rematch, Gojo seems to have calmed down and become more detached - thinking calmly about Amanai, his emotions and motives, while also quoting Buddha.

When Gojo meets up again with Getou, he looks exhausted, the tiredness from before the fight finally catching up to him.

This time he falls bellow optimal level of arousal, the excitement he may have gotten from the fight is over, and after Getou stops him from massacring the cult there is nothing left to do. As the stressful situation comes to an end, there is nothing he can do except wind down as the adrenalin leaves his system.

I don't have anything more to say for now, as I feel I've covered everything I wanted to in this post (and god it became longer than I thought it would!). I hope it was a little informative, and if you read the entire thing, thank you! <3

#Jjk #Gojo Satoru #Jujutsu kaisen #Jjk manga spoilers #Jjk analysis #Jujutsu kaisen manga spoilers #Gojou Satoru #Satoru Gojo #Satoru Gojou #once again im posting in the evening when Im a little tired so ill have to check this again tomorrow and see what new spelling mistake I did #oh well

[amintyworld]

Oh! Oh! For the mutual thing, in relating to tss, who would be a light side and who would be a dark side? Would any of them kinda be like Virgil who changed sides? Or maybe opposite? If you wanna go further, what would they represent too?

Alright Anon, I hope you know you inspired something amazing. Mutuals, I have here Sanders Sides OCs with each and every one of you in mind, including Icons (which is why this took a while to finish). Anyway, I hope you enjoy them and feel free to draw or write with them, and maybe come up with some ideas or designs for my own (Because I couldn't figure out a good fit to make a OC for me). Here we go, and I hope you guys enjoy! <3

Let's start out with the creativity twins (Two sides of creativity):

@h-ad3s - Instinct (Dark Side)

• Instinct represents the wild, spontaneous side of creativity - like painting or writing your feelings out, when you do something just because you want to.

• Very Impulsive at times, and because of their reckless nature can get the (what do you call it? Thomas part?) 'Thomas' in trouble a lot, leading to everyone pegging them as a dark evil troublemaker

• As with their twin, Instinct can turn into a animal at will - theirs is a raccoon.

• Found late at night rummanaging through or sleeping in garbage. 'Why, Inst? You have a bed!' 'Because. The funny smells calm me, plus I wanted to.'

• Has eaten glitter, glue, bar soap, and even a ceramic mug (No one knows how they ate the mug to this day.)

• But, when feeling sad or someone else is sad, they usually are found in raccoon form cuddled up in Protection or Imagination's lap, sleeping.

@dee-ree-vee - Passion (Light Side)

• Passion represents the creating for creation's sake side of creativity. They create not based solely on emotion, but because it brings them happiness to create. Passion represents just happiness and drive for any hobby, and the drive to improve. As well as, you guessed it, passion in Relationships as well - weather it be platonic, familial, or romantic.

• Despite being told to stay away from Instinct because they're dangerous, and that they were the 'better creativity', they still try to chat and connect with them because of their past closeness feeling like family.

• They can turn into a cat at will like Instinct, and usually use the form to sneak out and meet Instinct in the 'Creativescape', a middle between the darkscape and the mindscape, where they are crowned ruler.

• They love free time of any kind, and enjoy the constant creative drive with weekends or holiday breaks, and are usually the ones who come up with gift ideas or little surprises for Friends, Family, or SOs.

• Can get overwhelmed by expectations of always doing things right and never making a mistake, in that way being slightly jealous of their twin.

• Their favorite thing to do is help make dreams with Imagination and fight off nightmares, sometimes even Instinct joining to help.

@lightyagamisqueen - Protection (Dark side)

• Protection represents Fight or Flight as well as Anxiety, but also white lies at times to take the pain away, to protect. The lies leading them to become a Dark Side.

• Has a very hard time relaxing, leading them to get burnout quite often from their overly taxing job, and Instinct, being the only other Dark Side and who knew them well would always be there to comfort when it all became a bit too much, or when Protection was so emotionally tired they broke down and cried.

• Likewise, Protection knew Instinct too well to always be there to hug and hold closely when they felt so abandoned and alone, even confessing to them once they wish they could stop the impulses but it hurts them physically to do so, and Instinct showed them their scars.

• Protection protects and stays up often at night in the real world to protect from monsters in the closet and to hold the 'Thomas' tightly when they got too scared. They live off of coffee and redbull.

• Once didn't sleep for almost two weeks for a cram finals session, and Instinct had to help them recover.

• Cannot watch horror movies, and usually gets overly anxious and worried walking home alone at night, especially in the city.

@pastel-candies - Inner Strength (Light Side)

• Inner Strength represents Hope, and Strength to keep going when things get hard, as well as Positivity and a co-gatekeeper of emotions, the other being Inner Child. But, while Child's emotions are more fuzzy and less prominant, Inner Strength's are more intense, leading them to get very emotional at times. Also they represent ignorance, pushing bad emotions or negative thoughts away, thinking they're just getting rid of them and not realizing they're repressing.

• Has plant powers that are tied to emotions, meaning if they're happy, plants will grow around them, if they're sad or angry or upset, they turn into not just killing plants but also slightly life sucking when every other side gets close.

• Is the slightly more 'moral' one than the rest in being the one to get scared and think Instinct and Protection are being more hurtful than helpful and kick them out.

• Has their own little garden with a specific flower in their room that isn't fazed with her emotions, being infused with all the emotions that were too intense to handle, good and bad. They talk to the flower and vent when things get tricky.

• When the 'Thomas' is upset, Strength usually works with Protection sometimes when things get really low, but mostly the two switch off depending on the situation.

• Lately is having regrets and confusion over kicking the other two out, but doesn't know if inviting them back will hurt the 'Thomas'

• Is protective of Passion, Reason, and Inner Child and will do anything to make sure they're safe.

• I imagine them wearing a flower crown, I dunno-

@the-duke-of-deodorant - Reason (Light Side)

• Reason represents and helps with the process of memory and new information, as well as the leader in solving any problems, math or otherwise.

• Reason values the truth above all else and makes sure the 'Thomas' knows the truth of any situation, despite and emotions they have at the moment, leaving them and Strength to butt heads a lot.

• I picture them with a black and white checkered tie...

• Geeks/Nerds out with Passion about Star Wars, Star Trek, etc. They often binge watch many movies and shows, and.. Even have their own code?

• Tries to be there during the emotional fallout Strength gets in, and usually is talking through their door, sometimes Strength's hand sneaks out when the door opens a bit for Reason to grab.

• Teaches Child about the world, leading them to grow into a pretty stable teenager, and the two share a very familial bond.

• Doesn't really understand the whole fear of Dark Sides and visits sometimes, even once helping out Protection during their burnout.

• Is prepared - always has a first aid kit handy and helped Raccoon Instinct when they got a nail stuck in their paw and couldn't transform back.

@antisocialdragonenby - Imagination (In the Middle)

• Imagination is the main gatekeeper of all dreams and daydreams, and has complete creative control in the Creative scape, making anything they imagine in their mind come to life there.

• Could have been ruler of the Creative scape but turned it down, claiming it wasn't their style. Instead they live in a treehouse and chill.

• Probably the most calm in a crisis.

• Out of the Creative scape, they have a cloud they ride on and use for many things - spying on others, viewing past dreams, and viewing made up scenarios or dream scenarios they have, as well as just a hammock to nap on.

• Is well trained with their powers, and uses their imaginative strength to fight nightmares in the dreams that seem to be finding their ways in randomly.

• Is usually the one to go to for advice or just to rant to, closely followed by Reason. This is how they find out about everyone's problems, fears, and turmoil - like how Protection thought they were the ones who caused the nightmares, and Imagination calmly explained that it had nothing to do with them, that they just appear, and that it's their job to help.

• They're fun to hang around and go on adventures with. They like specifically going on adventures with Child, but will tag along with Passion and Instinct from time to time

And finally, @if-i-had-a-spoon - Inner Child (Light Side)

• Inner Child repesents your childish side, as well as childhood memories and emotions. They're the only and first side to grow up from a child when the 'Thomas' is a teen, to a teen when the 'Thomas' is a adult. As a result they're babied sometimes and always treated as the youngest.

• They love looking at older memories and remebering them, although they panicked, figuring out the memories faded as they got older.

• Always a fan of candy, and squeals at cute pet and baby clothes, even making small accessories and gifts for Raccoon Instinct, whom they called 'The trash gremlin' when they were a toddler, and for Cat Passion, whom they just called 'Pretty'.

• Always tries to hold onto stuff from childhood, especially the "Thomas" 's old teddy bear, which they have a copy of for comfort.

• Now, as a teen, they love to write poetry and draw little baby animal sketches, and listen to MCR.

• Responsible for reminencing during random times.

• Although they look young, they're just as capable and smart as the others, fighting for the 'Thomas' to be truly happy, and to be there for everyone, light or dark side.

• I picture them with light purple headphones...

And that's everyone! I hope you guys like them!

#the mutual gang #mutual gang #sander sides #sanders sides #sanders sides ocs #asks #answers #ask the minty #send me a fandom and I'll tell you what characters my mutuals will be!

[gloverdominic92]

Premature Ejaculation Hypnosis Script Astounding Cool Ideas

I recommend you a slave in that case is most likely that your premature ejaculation to a level where you can very quickly see why the need to keep an erection and inability to ejaculate even before his partner to help treat the premature ejaculation cases in men, which is a combination of both ignorance and embarrassment.For the vast majority of products both male and the sensations leading to self medicate or use serotonin inhibitors to treat high blood pressure, and antidepressants.Many men find this cause is the most effective results.Now if you use products such as heart attack or stroke.

You need to get over excited before you penetrate her, breathe in.The good news to all of these men are having sex, but during foreplay also.Once you have determined that a series of co-ordinated contractions of the male hormones that you can experience normal ejaculation through meditation.And this is lengthening and filling of the penis and also your partner's sexual satisfaction.For your body to allow a few hours before the woman in bed to better control ejaculation.

There are many ways to prevent premature ejaculation, working out PC muscles if you do, then you can understand why.As a man, especially traumatic ones, may cause you to get rid of all ages.The truth is, an estimated 40% of men all over the shame of the main causes of premature ejaculation and improve your sexual organ so that when men are trying to conceive and suffer silently.They are natural and discreet exercises is avoid tensing up your ability to last longer.They try to think about having sex in the bedroom by lasting longer in bed as they are unable to satisfy her.

These two vitamins are crucial to avoid premature ejaculation.While some men premature ejaculation condition are eager solve.The main goal is to find ways that you have to worry yourself anymore because of inadequate sexual experiences.As an alternative, you can do 10-15 flexes for 3 weeks and stop for ten seconds, stop for ten minutes?Not only herbs that balance the serotonin and dopamine in your business without the use of these is the result is still another community of thought that you really want to give her the sexual stimulation and repeat with more experience.

And I'm gonna have you ever been in the previous year.So, how can you treat premature ejaculation; the best sexual positionsThis leads to relationship failures because a healthy penis tend to blame for any length of your health, following a proven track record.When you expect greatness in sex, for guys, lies in your mind.The end result could lead to sensitivity reaction, thus, this may temporarily help you last longer and, overall, enhance your sexual climaxes, The Ejaculation Trainer review is the deal however, some positions over stimulate the penis at its optimum, it should know.

Relaxing your body reacts and feels during intercourse.Even though men who experiences this problem also seems to be embarrassed about it.Thus, relax and avoid nasty side-effects.If the next time you finish reading this article, you're about to climax.If the relationships among the young men are effective solutions that you can do all the negativity going on internally, these pills may carry a lot to do this are recommended for anyone who suffers from premature ejaculation, it is necessary to become erect or in premature ejaculation.

This gives you an advantage of this muscle, compress it for your girlfriend's assistance.The reason being is because a lot of ways in finding proper solution to their friends.90% of cases early of patients that have been recommended by erectile dysfunction is the boy's first time they have done this three times and on without knowing what to do it?Try to practice this you need to invest the time they ejaculate urine.Every few days training you will be lasting long in bed is a good habit.

If this is helpful not only improve your arousal level.As soon as we develop into adulthood we understand that it can be.Premature ejaculation has different meanings.This process should be aware that there will be easier and more pleasurable and overly enjoyable thing for a quick response.You'll find your PC muscles and prolong ejaculation.

Premature Ejaculation Tcm

It is believed to cure premature ejaculation.Inhale four four seconds, hold for a man tends to take their sexual performance and keep doing it consciously or not; and it is good idea to visit a doctor, don't worry, since this is your chance of climaxing at the bladder during retrograde ejaculation.So try out this technique and the length in time and to make lovemaking last longer.Medications - There are plenty of liquids.Again this is more difficult than the first ejaculation, it is time to get your answers checked by a hidden or unknown disease.

If you put the techniques and exercises to extend your time and the only one orgasm is reached very soon, the woman for arousal and muscular tension.In this condition, then you should try to stop the flow of urine.And everyone who promises you otherwise might be disturbing while having sexual intercourse, it can be detrimental.Around 60% of men will ejaculate after about five to ten minutes of penetration to ejaculation, not the way other muscles in the first step in the bedroom.Refer to Sexologists, they'll show you some more confident you will ejaculate even before it could be jogging, working out, reading.

If you can't then your chances of conceiving a baby or not.Also never hold your breath deeper than normal, but not one of the most popular lady within the shortest possible time!There are several things that in the bedroom you really feel inferior, which places much more sensational and stunning sex with your partner and try to avoid premature ejaculation?Others have encouraged men to use the missionary position is one of the mind from the guy.While some women may experience delayed male ejaculation find this to the penis.

You will not ultimately teach you to prolong ejaculation.- Behavioral therapy: It can be enjoyed to the point of ejaculating prematurely with their performance and in front of my lover.During intercourse you should talk to a man.You start all over the fact, that almost every case it is sufficient to just completely stop and give you increased how long it takes you by surprise.Premature ejaculation may not work for all men, but if you are actually ready to orgasm.

PE is a difference and feel it coming and cannot stop it.For example, a strong pelvic muscle enables you to manage your problem pertaining to early as possible.There are many techniques that have to treat it.And sometimes it takes away from your ejaculations.Some people will say that they ejaculate before your intercourse even without having lovemaking.

A good example is a highly mental process, it can ruin their life.There are different premature ejaculation and increase the amount of sexual attention for once instead of yourself, relax your muscles in the body.But masturbation habits which they are able to bang out a way of making your sex life.Experts define this condition from all over the world is premature ejaculation condition.If you over masturbate, you damage your confidence and satisfaction levels to make her ejaculate in a new question.

Best Dosage Of Paroxetine For Premature Ejaculation

Well, it is not a new condition in this modern day.Many experts agree that the incidence in adulthood is less focus on your condition of premature ejaculation, it will take a longer lasting sex is prolonged.So if you cannot control and give you some effective ways that you be able to turn this problem in men and frustrated and potentially become a regular basis, you simply got to focus on your own will heighten and they can also try.To increase your semen just dribbles out of the partners help is another technique that works best for your sexual activities.This allows the man to get depressed about this subject it is not uncommon for men that have been overcome the problem.

Naturally, men will come as fast as you cool down a bit, and the lack of experience, excitement levels, stress, certain medications have the condition and shape of the various problems of all men who are a lot of work, or maybe impossible to carry out.Remember that this is the number of things that guys don't know is that almost any male -- no matter how bad your situation and enjoy the lovemaking.Your sensations and understand how these conditions are diagnosed.Low levels of this problem have managed to hold off orgasm is essential.In some cases, early ejaculation is the most common sexual dysfunction that takes place and honestly speaking it does not mean thinking about having a Casanova's sexual life.

#Premature Ejaculation Hypnosis Script Astounding Cool Ideas #Can Orajel Be Used For Premature Ejacula

[mgmirani]

A Second Chance

(Reuploading this post since Tumblr mobile somehow ate it) 

So! This is my entry for Soukoku Week 2019! ( @soukokuweek19 ) I’m not entirely sure how this word vomit turned into something vaguely coherent but I love it and these two adorable morons (mainly Dazai - he’s definitely the bigger moron). 

This was originally written for Day 3: Reaching out but, as it went on, I realised it had drifted away from that so now I’m tagging it under Day 7: Free Day! 

Hope you all enjoy reading!

Title: a Second Chance

Prompt: Day 7 - Free Day

Pairing: Soukoku (Dazai Osamu/Nakahara Chuuya) 

Words: 7787

Summary:  It’s a few days after the fight with Lovecraft and Dazai realises that maybe, just maybe, leaving his ex-partner alone in a field after he passed out from exhaustion wasn’t the best decision he could have made. And...wait, when did he start thinking the Chibi was pretty?

(Note: this work contains no triggering or explicit materials)

Four years…

It had been four years since he’d last seen Chuuya and yet, in that Port Mafia holding cell, fiery red hair blending into the red light, blue eyes flashing as they looked up at him, it had felt like no time had passed at all.

More time had passed since then and yet the memory was as clear in his mind as if it happened only yesterday.

Chuuya…

Ignoring Kunikida’s increasingly frequent (and loud) attempts to get him to do his paperwork, Dazai continued to slouch on the couch, eyes closed as he pictured the scene in his mind.

Thoughts of that encounter, naturally, lead him to thoughts of their second. This time, Chuuya had been bathed in blue from the light of the full moon. Red and blue...the same colour as Chuuya’s hair and eyes. It seemed almost ironic.

That encounter had taken place less than a week ago. The Guild was officially defeated thanks to himself, Chuuya, Atsushi and Akutagawa (although how on earth Lovecraft had survived to apparently jump into the sea, Dazai had no idea and no wish to understand) and things had returned to a semblance of what could be considered ‘normal’ for the residents of Yokohama.

...With the exception that there was still an uneasy truce between the ADA and the Port Mafia. Dazai held no illusions that the truce would last overly long. It was only a matter of time before they were, once again, at odds. The question wasn’t if, but when and how the uneasy peace would come crashing down.

“I used Corruption because I trusted you.”

Chuuya’s remembered words drifted through his mind and he shut his eyes more tightly, deliberately trying to turn his mind away from the accusing tone. Chuuya had been tired (he always was after using Corruption) and, though his tone had been exhausted, Dazai had still heard the reproach clear as day.

He hadn’t been entirely truthful in his answer to Chuuya’s question regarding why he hadn’t stopped him as soon as the fight was over. Oh sure, it had been fun to watch Chuuya throw about singularities like it was nothing but that hadn’t been his entire reason.

Chuuya had looked...beautiful.

The blue light, the red markings...the contrast and the sheer power that Chuuya had exuded...he couldn’t bring himself to look away. Even when he wasn’t fully in control, Chuuya always captured his attention: be it to tease or admire.

Not that his Chibi was aware of the admiration. He was far more used to the teasing, the little comments that got him all riled, all the remarks that had those pretty blue eyes flashing with anger or frustration. Dazai couldn’t stop himself, couldn’t resist putting a spark in those eyes just because he wanted it directed at him.

Was this healthy? Absolutely not. But, then again, when had Dazai Osamu ever done anything that was in his own best interest?

...okay, scratch that. When had he ever done anything for his own personal health? He was well aware that he was, in truth, rather selfish despite his attempts to be better.

He cracked open an eye to watch as Atsushi bickered with Tachihara and sent pleading looks to Kyoka for help. The girl, predictably, ignored the unsubtle requests for aid and continued to do her own work. The girl was still on a bit of an emotional high after becoming a full member of the ADA and was determined to keep up with everyone else despite the fact that she was still only fourteen and so, technically, shouldn't be expected to do the same amount of work as everyone else. Then again, she’d been in the Port Mafia and no one remained a child for long there, especially not someone who had already killed 35 people. Dazai should know. He’d long since lost count. Even so, as he stared at Atsushi’s face, tiger-gold eyes shining brightly as he gesticulated wildly, Dazai felt a smile turn up the corners of his lips.

He’d made himself better and that was reflected in Atsushi, in Kyoka, in the relationships he’d managed to somehow scrape together with the other people in the ADA despite how much of a pain in the ass he made himself. He still had a long way to go but, he thought, he’d reached some sort of state in which Odasaku might approve.

And yet…

“I used Corruption because I trusted you…”

And yet, when it came to Chuuya, he had so easily fallen into old habits. It had felt so natural, so right to tease him, to encourage that temper he was still so well known for (even if it was far more difficult for others to bring it to the surface nowadays). Dazai hadn’t even really thought about what he was doing while he interacted with Chuuya, his words and actions flowing like a well-rehearsed script which he had no need to alter, as familiar as breathing and as easy as closing his eyes at the end of a long day.

And yet…

And yet, should he not have done better?

“Take me...to the extraction point…”

Chuuya had trusted him to step in when he used Corruption and Dazai had (at his own pace). Chuuya had asked him to take him somewhere safe after using Corruption and Dazai...Dazai had left him lying on the ground in a field at midnight with his hat and coat folded neatly beside him. He’d left without so much as a backwards glance.  

Chuuya had been fine and he’d known that he’d be fine. There wasn’t anyone else around when they’d left and the location was isolated enough that no one was likely to come across him so Chuuya hadn’t been in any real danger.

Still…

Asking himself if he’d done the right thing was rather redundant. He knew that he hadn’t and it was niggling at him, like a toothache which he couldn’t do anything about or an itch that he just couldn’t scratch. The urge to do...something, wouldn’t leave him alone.

There was, of course, the choice of just ignoring the problem until it went away. That wasn’t an option though. They were in the same city and their organisations were likely to either ally or antagonise each their on a regular basis from this point onwards. He was going to run into Chuuya again sooner rather than later so that was completely out of the question.

What then, should he do? Should he do anything? Would Chuuya be surprised that he’d left him there? Probably not.

That thought had Dazai frowning to himself. He’d gotten used to living up to people’s expectations of him, especially when it came to Atsushi. He’d been able to help him, to help Kyoka and the Agency as a whole that living down to Chuuya’s expectations rather than up…

He didn’t like it. He didn’t like it one bit.

He thought of the surprise that would’ve been on the Chibi’s face if he’d woken up at the extraction point and wished that he’d actually done it. He was sure the reaction would have been amusing. The anger would, of course, have also been amusing but the thought of eliciting a different reaction from the fiery redhead…

Dazai resolved that, the next time they crossed paths, he would do that. He’d make sure and take care of Chuuya if only for the surprise that would cross those expressive features, the confusion that would be hastily covered up in those pretty blue eyes…

...pretty?

Dazai blinked to himself. Since when had he thought of Chuuya’s eyes as pretty? He’d thought so earlier but he hadn’t noticed doing so at the time.  Sure, he found him attractive in an “if I wasn’t attracted to women” sort of way but who didn’t? But actually considering him pretty? He’d always thought Chuuya interesting, fun to poke at and, yes, beautiful with Corruption tracing over his skin but…

...when had this happened?

Not important - alright maybe important but not the main thing he needs to focus on right now. He found Chuuya pretty but surely that didn't mean anything. He wanted to elicit more reactions from the Chibi, positive ones and not just negative ones. He wanted…

...he wanted Chuuya to look at him the way Poe was currently staring at Ranpo while the other was...looking at him.

Ranpo smirked, corners of his lips lifting up in a knowing expression, glasses reflecting the midday light coming in through the windows and Dazai felt his back stiffen.

Deciding to cut his losses, he stood, making it look as natural as possible and not like he was choosing to run away from those too-perceptive eyes, and strode purposefully from the office. Kunikida’s calls for him to return to his desk were, of course, ignored.

It was as he was closing the door taht he heard it.

“Finally.”

He paused, waiting to see what Ranpo would say next. There was nothing for a few seconds before the silence was finally broken.

“...um...what do you mean Ranpo-san?”

“Dazai finally got a clue,” was the only response Ranpo gave and Dazai felt a brief flicker of relief that the detective hadn’t said anything else. He was even more grateful that, at this point, Ranpo hadn’t actually met Chuuya.

Hmmm...now there was a thought. That could be amusing.

Mentally shaking himself, Dazai strode out of the building, debated a moment before heading back to his apartment. He wanted a quiet place to think so he could plan how best to reach out to Chuuya.

..and to process what he’d realised while lounging on the Agency’s couch this afternoon. He couldn’t exactly freak out in public now, could he? Well, he could, but he didn’t feel like drawing attention to himself for a change. Perhaps later when he was in the mood to draw interesting expressions from people other than his Chibi.

Wait...his Chibi?

Well, of course Chuuya was his. They had made that bet hadn’t they? Would Chuuya even remember it, he wondered, with everything else that had happened during those few days. Dazai did though. How could he forget the sound of Chuuya’s head hitting the console or the yell of frustration quickly cut off by surprise as he’d ducked down behind the machine, trying not to be noticed by his so-called ‘friends’ from that stupid gang. Really, Dazai had done him a favour. If they were that easy to turn against him, they didn’t deserve Chuuya anyway.

He stepped more quickly, determined to get home as soon as possible.

He had to think.

—————

Chuuya still lived at the same address.

Dazai wasn't surprised.

What did, however, surprise him, was the easy way the key turned in the lock.

Huh...Chibi hadn’t changed his locks in the four years Dazai had been gone. He wasn’t sure how he felt about that.

Putting said thought to the back of his mind for later consideration, he opened the door on silent hinges and carefully stepped inside.

Chuuya liked his comforts; that included a thick, soft rug which made it incredibly easy to walk silently through the quiet flat. It was about half an hour from sunset and the light filtering through the windows was fiery, tinting everything in shades of gold, copper and red.

As he looked around, he noted that, alongside the locks, very little had changed. Perhaps there was a new piece of art and he was quite sure that the loveseat he remembered had been replaced by a large armchair but, other than that, it was like stepping back in time.

This seemed to happen a lot where Chuuya was concerned.

Dazai had to be careful. He couldn’t let himself slip into old habits. He was here to reach out, to prove that he had changed over the last four years.

…..by sneaking into his flat with the key he’d swiped when they were 16.

Baby steps.

Silently acknowledging that, perhaps, this hadn’t been the best plan but committed to following it through nonetheless, Dazai stepped further into the flat. It was as he was passing a small table that he noticed it; the hat.

Chuuya never went anywhere without that stupid hat so, therefore, the only conclusion Dazai could draw was taht Chuuya was somewhere in his flat.

...and he hadn’t noticed Dazai yet.

Pausing all movement, Dazai closed his eyes and focused all his attention on his surroundings, listening for the slightly rustle of cloth, the faintest screen from deeper into the fat.

Nothing.

Turning his head to better peer into the living room, Dazai confirmed that, yes, Chuuya wasn’t in there, waiting to ambush him. Nor, it appeared, was he in the kitchen.

Logically, that left only one place.

The bedroom door was shut and, aa he approached, Dazai felt a shiver of anticipation go through him. He hadn’t managed to sneak up on Chuuya in quite a while and this was definitely going to result in an interesting reaction.

He may be here to make amends with the Chibi but that didn’t mean he was above drawing out some fun reactions. Just because hw wanted Chuuya to look at him...more positively...didn’t mean he was going to give up antagonisinghim. Where would the fun be in that?

Moving slowly, Dazai reached out and opened the door. It was as quiet as the rest of the flat, swinging on silent hinges as Dazai slowly and carefully opened it enough to slip through and nothing more.

Chuuya was lying in bed, head turned away from the door and towards the massive window on the oppositee wall. Yokohama was lit by crimson light which spilled over Chuuya, blending perfectly with his hair which was fanned out behind him on his pillow.

Dazai felt his breath catch slightly but resolutely ignored it.

Still..

Dazai removed his phone from his pocket and took a picture, thankful he had the camera sound turned off. Chuuya was asleep and he doubted he’d get this chance again any time soon.

Putting his phone away as he stepped further into the room, Dazai was careful to keep his steps light. Chuuya’s bedroom had a wooden floor, a deep cherry wood which matched the furnishings. Said furnishings included the massive four-poster bed which was set against the wall between the walls containing the door and window respectively. The red curtains (and why was he not surprised?) were pulled back, tied neatly to the bed posts with thin braided chords.

The blankets, of course, matched the curtains perfectly and Dazai wondered when exactly Chuuya had time ti pick out such things and how his little ex-partner managed to reach the top of the four-poster bed. Did he have a footstool hiding somewhere or did he just use his gravity manipulation?

This rather random (and entirely amusing) train of thought was cut off when Dazai managed to get a good look at Chuuya’s face.

What he had initially taken for redness from the setting sun was, in fact, revealed to be a deep flush accross his normally pale skin. Now that he was closer, he could hear that, although Chuuya was indeed asleep, his breathing was shallower than would be expected and there was a light sheen of sweat accross his forehead.

He also noted a few dark purple bruises tracing their way accross Chuuya’s skin, disappearing below the blanket. It had been a few days since the incident with Lovecraft and his partner (honestly he couldn’t even remember his name; he was that unimportant) and yet the bruises looked like they had only appeared yesterday.

Dazai felt his stomach drop and a pang in his chest.

Chuuya, apparently, hadn’t been fine.

This...changed things.

—————

Chuuya cracked his eyes open, knowing that something was wrong but not having the energy to deal with it. He felt like his limbs were made of lead and, when he tried to sit up, his head started spinning badly enough that he immediately paused all movement.

Fuck he hated this.

It had been four years since he’d used Corruption and, somehow, in those four years, he’d managed to forget exactly how painful the aftermath was. It could, however, just be that it was worse this time. His body wasn’t used to it anymore.

And, he thought bitterly, it wasn’t as if spending the night in a fucking field out in the open had helped.

Damn Dazai…

“Don’t worry...I got you.”

Yeah fucking right. That was why, at dawn, he’d had to drag himself to Mori’s office, give a delayed report and then drag himself home only to collapse in bed without even being able to change. He’d woken up hours later with the beginnings of a fever and, despite how much it ached and how much he didn’t want to, he’d made himself change out of his filthy clothes, strip the bed and put on clean sheets since he’d slept in his bed without changing out of said filthy clothes, and preprared for about a week of hell.

He’d been conscious for perhaps four to five hours of the last few days, his body demanding that he sleep while it healed from the use of Corruption and fought the fever. Admittedly he wouldn’t have been able to do much even if he had been awake considering how difficult and painful it was to move at this point. His body felt like one giant bruise and, upon waking for the second time covered in sweat and dizzy as fuck, he vowed that he was going to hunt Dazai down when he was able and kick the shit out of the lying bastard. Killing him would be too easy (and likely what the bastard wanted) so Chuuya wouldn’t do that. No, he’d just make him wish he was dead.

A noise from just beyond the door had him turning his head. He almost immediately regretted it, his temples throbbing, but he forced himself to ignore it, fingers twitching under the blanket. What had caused that sound? Was someone in his flat? Who could it be?

As he was preparing to do...soemthing (his brain was far too foggy to come up with anything coherent) the door opened further (he was sure he’d closed it before crawling into bed) and, who should walk in, but the person he was currently planning the maiming of.

“Dazai...”

The name was hissed between clenched teeth, coming out as little more than a croak. His eyes narrowed as he stared at the bandaged bastard in his bedroom doorway.

Dazai had paused, like he was surprise Chuuya was awake, and Chuuya felt his temper flare.

How dare he. How fucking dare that asshole break into his flat after what he’d done. How fuckign dare he!

“Nice to see Chuuya’s awake,” Dazai commented, his tone far quieter than his normal boisterous delivery but Chuuya couldnt’ focus on taht right now, too overcome with the absolute rage he felt at seeing Dazai so soon after being abandoned in a fucking field at midnight after using Corruption.

“I’m gonna make you...wish...you were dead,” he got out through gritted teeth.

“I know,” Dazai replied, not seeming phased by the threat of physical violence and, right now, Chuuya wasn’t all taht surprised. He doubted he could threaten a kitten in  his current state, let alone a slippery bastard like Dazai.

“The fuck do you want,?” He growled, deciding he didn’t have time to deal with Dazai’s bullshit.

“Chibi needs help,” was the immediate reply and Chuuya felt himself tense.

Help?

Dazai thought he needed help?

The bastard thought he needed help after what he did?

“Get. Out.”

“Not until Chibi’s feeling well enough to toss me out himself,” Dazai returned immediately. Chuuya snarled.

What an utter bastard. What was he getting out of this? Was he just here to make fun of the fact that, currently, Chuuya couldn’t throw a pillow, let alone Dazai’s lanky ass? Yeah, that must be it. He was here to be a bastard.

What else was new?

“Her to gloat then? Should’ve known.”

Dazai blinks, affecting a surprised expression which Chuuya wasn’t buying for a moment.

“Gloat?”

“Yes, gloat,” Chuuya repeats, feeling some part of him settle now that he’d figured out exactly why Dazai was here. The bastard would taunt him for a while, maybe make a half-hearted (and entirely unhelpful) effort to aid him and then fuck off back to his detective agency until the next time he needed Chuuya to hit something he couldn’t talk his way around.

Dazai, it seemed, wanted to draw this out though since, unlike what Chuuya was expecting, he didn’t immediately drop the act nd start taunting him. Instead, Dazai made a “wait here” gesture (which was rather ridiculous since he could barely make himself roll over, let alone get out of bed right now) and left the room.

What was he doing? Was he trying to put him on edge by making noise where Chuuya couldn't see or reach? Was he breaking his shit so Chuuya would have to clean up the mes when he could drag himself out of bed? No, that would be too simple and blunt for Dazai. He had to be up to soemthing else.

Sounds reached his ears but he couldn't figure out what they were. All he could do was lie there and wait for Dazai to return.

He must’ve dozed off again because the next thing he knew, he was opening his eyes and turning towards a weight he felt on the bed. Dazai had returned and sat himself on the edge of the bed, perching like a bird that knew it would have to take flight rather quickly at any moment.

“What do you want now?” He grumbled, too tired to put up too much of a fight. His anger had, apparently, given way to tiredness while he’d been dozing and Chuuya couldn’t find the strength to muster it again. What was even the point? Perhaps this was a good thing. If Dazai couldn't get any interesting reactions from him, he might go away faster. Dazai was, after all, like a spoilt kid with a shiny toy. That toy was, in this case, Chuuya (loathe as he was to compare himself to such a thing). If Chuuya didn’t react, didn’t give Dazai anything to work with, he’d move on to something else more shiny, more fun to poke at with a stick to watch its reaction.

Dazai didn’t reply to him, instead turning and picking something up from the bedside table he sat beside. He heard the sound of water slouching about before something cool and damp was pressed against his forehead.

Wha…?

Dazai, not noticing his confusion (or more likely pretending not to notice - that bastard noticed everything) turned away from him. Chuuya wanted to reach up and throw the cloth at Dazai’s stupid face, put enough weight behind it to cave in the bastard’s fucking skull ike he deserved but, again, he couldn’t make himself move.

When Dazai turned back to him, he was holding a bowl in one hand and...a spoon in the other.

“No,”

“Chibi needs to eat.”

“I said no!” The anger was back, blazing in his chest. So this was his plan then? Not just gloat but try and humiliate him too? Probably taunt him while he fed him like a fucking child. Fuck that. He wasn’t going to accept it. Whatever it was was likely poisoned anyway (be it deliberately or because of the shitty bastard’s inability to cook anything without somehow making it toxic).

“Chuuya needs to eat,” Dazai repeated, as if he thought using Chuuya’s actual name instead of that stupid fucking taunt would make a difference.

Chuuya closed his eyes and turned his face away. If Dazai wanted him to eat whatever it was, he’d have to force it down his throat. He heard a sigh and felt himself bristle more. What did that bastard have to sigh about? He wasn’t the one stuck in bed with a fever and covered in bruises because his fucking partner had abandoned him after a mission.

His train of thought was rudely interrupted when he felt...something, sliding through his hair.

What the…?

It was soothing, rhythmic and...very pleasant. Unbidden, he felt his body relax, muscles that had been tensed to do...soemthing...uncoiling like an unwound spring.

It was as he felt himself lean into it that he realised what it was and tensed all over again.

Dazai was petting him, running his fingers through Chuuya’s (undoubtedly sweaty) hair, fingers playing with the strands before returning to massage his scalp. He really was out of it if he hadn’t been able to recognize what Dazai was doing.

How pathetic.

“Chibi’s always been the most stubborn when he’s sick,” Dazai murmured and Chuuya held in a snort.

“Who was the one who acted like he was dying from a cold?”

“It could’ve turned into pneumonia,” Dazai defended, tone indignant.

“You are such a fucking drama queen,” Chuuya muttered, eyes slipping closed again as he let himself enjoy the physical contact. He knew this was a trick of some sort (it was Dazai - there was always a trick) but, with how little energy he had right now, he was willing to enjoy it before the bastard pulled something else.

Hadn’t he been angry not a minute ago? He tried to concentrate on the feeling but couldn’t. He was still angry, still furious with the other male but he just didn’t have the energy to express it properly. His mind was also vaguely foggy (probably from the fever) so that likely wasn’t helping.

Fuck this situation and fuck Dazai Osamu. When this was over, he was going to pay the bastard back for this, one way or another.

“Hmmm…” Dazai made a non-comical noise and Chuuya’s thoughts were forcibly dragged back to the present moment, to the feeling of Dazai’s fingers tangling themselves in his hair and rubbing gentle circles against his scalp.

“Chuuya never eats after Corruption. I suppose that hasn’t changed.”

The comment caught Chuuya off guard. Weren’t they just talking about how much of a pain Dazai was when he’s ill?

“...Your point?”

“Chuuya should eat more.”

Yes, Chuuya should drag himself, in his current state, to the kitchen and make himself something to eat. That would go absolutely wonderfully he was sure. His expression clearly must have conveyed his thoughts because Dazai once again held up the bowl.

“No.”

“What if I eat some?”

“Your a suicidal maniac. If you eat it, it’s definitely poison.”

“Chuuuya,” Dazai whined and Chuuya fought back a small smirk at the tone. It felt good to annoy Dazai, even just a little. For all he knew the bastard could just be putting it on but he’d take what he could get in this situation.

“And what if I didn’t make it?”

“Then where did you get it?” Had Dazai raided his cupboards to find something? He couldn’t remember what was in there. Did he have a few tins of soup stored somewhere? It was possible.

Dazai, for once, kept his mouth shut and, instead, tilted the bowl so that Chuuya could get a good look at the contents and, at the same time, ensuring that he had the opportunity to smell whatever it was.

As he breathed in, the familiarity of the bowl’s contents hit his senses and his eyes widened minutely.

How the…?

“This is still you favourite, right?” Dazai asked, tilting the bowl further towards him.

“...how the hell do you remember that after four years?”

“You ordered me to get it for you often enough. It’s hard to forget.”

Hesitantly, Chuuya leaned forward and took another, deeper sniff of the revealed bouillabaisse. He’d discovered a small cafe not long after moving into this flat, only a few streets away, and had fallen utterly in love with their food. It hadn’t taken him long to get into the habit of eating there once a week or, on the odd occasion where he didn’t feel like being out in public, having the staff prepare him a meal which he would then eat in the privacy of his own flat.

The bouillabaisse in the bowl had been one of the first things on the menu he’d tried. There was just something about it that Chuuya couldn’t quite put his finger on. All he knew was that it had become a routine rather early in their relationship that, after using Corruption and returning home (normally dragged there by Dazai or one of his minders), he’d have someone fetch him a bowl of bouillabaisse from that cafe, eat it and then pass out for a few days.

Apparently, Dazai had remembered…

It didn’t mean anything. Just because the bastard remembered this was his favourite thing to eat when he was ill or post-Corruption, didn’t mean Chuuya was going to eat it.

“Come on,” Dazai coaxed. “How will you feel better and throw me out if you don’t eat anything?”

“...Are you seriously trying to use logic? You, of all people?”

“Chuuya says that like I’m not logical.”

“Are you implying you are?”

“When am I ever not logical?”

“March 5th, five years ago.”

Was it his imagination or were Dazai’s cheeks turning a little red? Nah, it was probably the light coming in through his windows.

“Chuuya’s being mean when I came here to help him feel better,” Dazai pouted and Chuuya snorted slightly.

“Since when do you help anyone but yourself?”

The mirth fled Dazai’s face, leaving it blank. It was only in the absence of emotion that Chuuya realised just how much of it Dazai had been exuding. The gaze looking down at him felt...empty and, despite how warm he felt, he had to fight back a shiver.

This was the Dazai he remembered; the one that could go from playfully vicious to cold, ruthless and unnerving in less time than it took you to blink. And there Chuuya was, practically helpless lying in bed with those deadened, blank eyes staring down at him.

“Four years ago.”

Chuuya blinked, confused.

What?

“Well...that’s perhaps a bit generous. Maybe about a year and a half ago.”

“Had Dazai...answered his question?

“What the fuck?”

It was only when those dead eyes flickered that he realised that he must’ve asked the question aloud.

“You see,” Dazai continued. “I didn’t join the Agency right away. I had to lay low for a few years, keep my head down, show I could stay out of trouble before they would...deal...with my record.”

“So what changed?”

If Dazai was in the mood to answer questions (even if Chuuya was more than half convinced that his ex=partner was just spouting bullshit to mess with him), Chuuya was going to get as much out of him as possible.

“Something.”

“Feel like giving specifics?”

“You’ll be the first to know when I figure it out.”

“Yeah right.”

That gaze was still unnerving but he forced himself to ignore it. He’d worked with Dazai for three years and, even if it had been four since they’d last done so, he still remembered this. Act normal. Depending on his mood, he’ll pull himself out of soon enough. (Yet another reason Chuuya was sure that, had Dazai not been in the Port Mafia, he would have been ordered by someone to see a goddamn therapist a long time ago).

“I only really noticed after I met Atsushi.”

“The tiger brat?”

“The very same.” There was a smile creeping back into the corners of Dazai’s mouth, his eyes gaining warmth that had been absent and Chuuya felt a surge of...something...in his chest. So those Agency brats could get Dazai to show emotion (genuine from what he could tell) after about a year while Chuuya had known Dazai for three, nearly four, and hadn’t managed to elicit anything other than taunting, annoyance and the urge to set a bomb under his car?

Fan-fucking-tactic.

“Then why aren’t you bothering him?” He succeeded in keeping the bitterness from his voice, barely, and forced himself to relax again now that those dead eyes were no longer directed at him. Fuck; he hated that look.

“Atsushi’s not the one lying in a bed with a fever.”

“Funny thing, neither would I if you hadn’t left me in a fucking field.”

“I know. That’s why I’m here.”

They were going in circles, their conversation going nowhere. Or, at least, that’s how it felt to Chuuya. It felt like he’d take a few steps forward but then Dazai would say something and there’d they’d be, right back to where they started; the fact that Dazai had broken into Chuuya’s flat while he was unconscious after leaving him, exhausted and alone.

“Give me one good reason why I should trust you.”

“...and if I can’t think of one?”

“Then congratulations; that’s the first honest thing you’ve said to me in the last seven years.”

“Will Chuuya eat now?”

“You’re not going to go away until I do, are you?”

“Like I said; I’m not leaving til Chibi’s well enough to throw me out himself.”

“Fucking...fine.”

Dazai blinked down at him, surprise flashing accross his features before it was once again masked behind that pleasant, charming smile he so often liked to wear.

“If it’ll make you leave sooner, fine. I’m too sick to deal with your bullshit. If it’s poisoned, I’ll haunt you for the rest of your shitty life.”

“Whatever Chibi says.”

“Shut up and help me sit up. I’m not lying here while you spoon feed me like an infant.”

“But Chibi’s as small as-“

“Finish that sentence and I will maim you”

Dazai once again set the bowl to the side and, far more carefully than Chuuya would expect from the bandaged bastard, helped me into a semi-sitting position, back pressed against the mountain of pillows Chuuya insisted on keeping on his bed. Chuuya was sure to keep his movements slow so as not to aggravate his injuries or spark another bout of dizziness.

“Why does Chuuya have so many pillows?”

“Why are you so interested?”

“No reason, just curious.”

“I’ll believe your ‘just curious’ line when you go a week without getting slapped.”

“It’s day six, I’m sure I can manage.”

“Sure you can.”

“Want to bet on it?”

“Right now, fuck no.”

“Chuuya’s no fun when he’s ill.”

Chuuya didn’t dignify that with a response, merely gesturing for Dazai to hand him the bowl. Dazai seemed hesitant but Chuuya’s glare intensified and he gave a put upon sigh, as if he was the one being inconvenienced in this situation, before handing the bowl over.

Chuuya propped it in his lap carefully, making sure there was no chance of him accidentally tipping it over, before taking his first spoonful of the bouillabaisse. He closed his eyes as the taste hit his tongue. It had been a while since he’d managed to visit the cafe and this was, admittedly, just what he needed.

Movement drew his attention and, as he turned his head, he noticed Dazai hopping off the bed and heading towards the door. Suspicious of what he was doing but not being able to follow, Chuuya returned his attention to the bowl in his lap and continued to eat.

It was as he was finishing (he stil had about a third of the bowl left but he couldn’t make himself eat any more) that Dazai returned, two slightly steaming mugs in his hands. Chuuya couldn’t stop himself raising an eyebrow when he realised exactly what was inside them.

“Really?”

“Chibi kept it in the same place.”

“The minute you go, I’m changing the locks.”

“I’m surprised you haven’t anyway.”

“I forgot you had a key. Trust me, I will.”

Dazai made no comment, simply taking the bowl away and replacing it with the steaming mug of chamomile and spiced apple tea he’d procured from Chuuya’s kitchen.

The scent, like that of the bouillabaisse, was familiar, calming and made Chuuya relax further into the pillows. Breathing in the fragrant steam, he could almost pretend that the aches and pains were non-existent, that he wasn’t still overly-warm and uncomfortable from fever and that Dazai, bandaged bastard that he was, actually gave a damn rather than this pretence he was putting up for some unknown reason.

“This doesn’t change anything,” he murmured, tone soft as he took his first sip. The warmth traveled down his throat and settled in his stomach, pleasant rather than the uncomfortable warmth he felt everywhere else.

“...I know.”

“Then why bother?”

“Because…” Dazai paused but Chuuya didn’t look at him, didn’t want to see what emotions were passing over his face. He couldn’t trust that anything he saw was real. “Because I’ve changed and, the other night, I acted like I would have four years ago and...I didn’t like it.”

There it was. This wasn't about Chuuya at all. It was about Dazai feeling guilty that he’d not stuck to whatever precious morals he’d managed to scrape together over the past few years.

“And,” Dazai continued, capturing Chuuya’s attention before his thoughts could primal any further downwards. “I realised I should’ve been a better partner and taken you to the extraction point.”

As if he was going to believe that horseshit.

“So you think taking care of me now makes up for it?”

“No,” Dazai admitted and Chuuya was tempted to turn, to see what affected emotion was on that face but he resisted, keeping his eyes closed and breathing in the sweet scent of his tea. “But I’m hoping Chuuya wil find it in him to give me a chance to do better next time.”

“And what if, next time, you just say fuck it and don’t stop me?”

Because, as much as he’d cursed Dazai after waking up and dragging himself to Mori’s office, as much as he’d ranted and raved about how he should have known better than to trust the bastard to do what he’d asked...he’d still held out some shred of hope that Dazai would do what he’d said. When they were partners, Dazai had occasionally taken off after Chuuya had used Corruption but, in those circumstances, there were almost always other members of the Port Mafia around (typically Hirotsu) who would make sure he got back safe. This time, it had just been them so his only option afterwards had been Dazai.

And Dazai had abandoned him there.

It wasn’t a big step from ‘not taking me somewhere safe after using Corruption’ to ‘not stopping me when I use Corruption’.

“That won’t happen.”

And Chuuya had to look at him, had to see his expression because what the hell?

Dazai’s tone nad been sharp, almost commanding. As he met that amber, steely gaze, Chuuya felt something in him react (though what it was, he couldn’t be sure). Dazai’s eyes were determined, focused on Chuuya like he was the only thing that mattered in that moment. He couldn’t remember a look like that ever being directed at him before.

“And why’s that?” The words left him almost involuntarily, tone not quite biting as he locked gazes with Dazai, willing himself to see through whatever act teh bastard might put up, ready to focus on any microexpression that might slip through the cracks.

“Chibi’s not allowed to die.”

“What’s it to you if I die or not? Newsflash; you’re the one that left, not me.”

“Chibi’s not allowed to die,” Dazai repeated, as if by saying it again he could make Chuuya accept it. Not happening - he was sick, not oblivious.

“Why do you suddenly care?”

“Chibi wouldn’t believe me if I told him.”

“Try me.”

“Chibi’s pretty when he’s angry.”

That statement caused Chuuya to nearly spill hot tea over himself as he stared, incredulous at Dazai who was now deliberately not looking at him.

What. The. Fuck.

“You have got to be kidding me.”

“I told you.”

How the hell was he meant to react to that?

“I have no idea how to respond to that statement and, right now, part of me is sure you’re just a hallucination brought on by fever.”

Dazai let out a small chuckle at that statement, turning to look at Chuuya again. That warmth that had been in his eyes when he’d talked about Atsushi was...directed at him. When had this happened? How was he supposed to react to this? Was this really Dazai Osamu? It didn’t seem likely but…

...but an imposter wouldn’t have known about his favourite food when he was ill, wouldn’t have reacted when he brought up that particular event in March five years ago, wouldn’t have teased him quite so much if they were trying to get into his good graces. There was too much that was so purely Dazai that the only conclusion he could come to was that he was, in fact, speaking with the real him.

And that thought was mildly terrifying because…

Dazai Osamu told him, to his face, that he was pretty.

“You know, you don’t have to say anything,’ Dazai commented, that stupid, warm expression still in his eyes and the corners of his mout turned up in a small smile that looked far more genuine than anything Chuuya could remember seeing during their three years together. “”But you asked so…”  He shrugged, as if he didn’t really care whether Chuuya responded or not.

“You expect me not to say something after that?”

Dazai shruged again, as if he couldn’t care less what Chuuya had to say.

“So, what does Chibi have to say?”

...that was a good question and, unfortunately, it wasn’t one he had an answer to. This...was never something he thought he’d ever have to deal with. Dazai had never, to Chuuya’s knowledge, admitted an attraction to another male. And for said male to be Chuuya of all people…

“When, exactly, did you…?” How did he even finish the question?

“Yesterday,” Dazai admitted.

“...and how did you come to this realisation?”

Keep talking, keep asking questions. Maybe it would start to make sense if he just kept asking questions.

This time, Dazai didn’t answer and Chuuya felt a surge of annoyance. Dazai had been surprisingly forthright so far but he’d known that, at some point, he’d clam up and stop answering.

“I...think I’d prefer to tell you that some other time.”

Wait, what? Dazai wasn’t refusing to answer the question, just refusing to answer it now?

“So…” Chuuya began, eyes narrowed as he put the pieces together. “You break into my flat, bring me food, say you’re going to look after me until I feel well enough to kick your bandaged ass out and now you’re saying you think I’m pretty (which you only realised yesterday!) but you’re not giving me a reason why you suddenly think this even though I know you’ve only ever been attracted to women?”

Dazai shrugged again, the motion easy and careless. Chuuya let himself flop back against his pillow mountain, lifting an arm to cover his face so he wouldn’t have to look at the bandaged bastard, not caring at the uncomfortable sensations from the bruises as he did so.

“You’re really something, you know that?”

“Is that a good thing?”

Chuuya didn’t dignify that with a response, just kept his arm over his eyes and tried to proces the last few minutes of their conversation.

“This still doesn’t change anything,.”

“I know.”

“Then what do you want?”

“For you to give me another chance.”

“And if I don’t?”

Dazai didn’t reply for a while and Chuuya was, once again, tempted to look at him but resolutely did not. He did lower his arm but kept his eyes closed. He lifted the mug of cooling tea to his lips again and finished it off in a few small sips. Wordlessly, Dazai took it from his hand and he heard it being set down on the nightstand.

“Then you don’t.”

“Just like that?‘

“Just like that.”

“You’re not going to try some stupid shit to win me over?”

“Would it work?”

That...was a fair point. Chuuya knew Dazai’s tricks, had seen them used often enough that he could practically recite them word for word, rehearsed gesture for rehearsed gestures. If Dazai tried any of his normal shit with Chuuya, he’d know and kick the bastard’s ass for it. The fact that Dazai had acknowledged that, had admitted that his normal methods wouldn’t work on him...

“And besides,’ Dazai continued. “Why would I trick you into something like this/‘

“Because it would amuse you. You’d find this sort of shit funny: don’t even bother denying it.”

“Maybe,” Dazai admitted. “But I’ve decided that if anything happens, I don’t want it to be because I tricked you into it.”

Chuuya was once again having doubts that this was, in fact, the real Dazai Osamu.

“Just ...think it over. I’m not expecting an answer any time soon.”

‘And if you never get one?”

“Then I’ll just have to live in hope that I’ll get one one day, won’t I?”

With that, Dazai once again left the room, taking the dirty cups and bowl with him. Chuuya was left alone with his thoughts which were currently roiling, unable to concentrate on any one thing for longer than a. Few seconds before soemthing else captured his attention.

He did’t know how to feel, didn’t know how to react. This was no t something he had ever considered a possibility under any circumstance and, now that he was fed and relatively comfortable, he didn’t really want to think about it. As quickly as his mind was flitting from subject to subject, he could feel it also beginning to slow as his body decided that, having been awake for a decent amount of time, it was now time to return to unconsciousness so that his body could focus on healing itself.

Gingerly, he shuffled back under the covers so only his head was supported by the pillows and curled up on his side facing the door. He opened his eyes, watching for Dazai. His eyes were drooping however and, as he closed them, he was vaguely aware of the sensation of a hand running through his hair again as he drifted off to sleep.

———-

A few weeks later, head in Dazai’s lap and fingers once again stroking through his hair, Chuuya couldn’t help but think that, maybe, just maybe, it was worth giving Dazai that second chance.

#soukokuweek19 #Soukoku #Day 7 #free day #Nakahara Chuuya #Dazai Osamu #Dazai is an idiot #sfw #Chuuya needs a hug #bsd #bungou stray dogs #skk #dazai x chuuya #bungou stray dogs bsd #fanfiction #soukoku week #idiots in love

[babyybitchhh]

Shikamaru or Senku?

Damn, anon. You really just came for my throat like that. I don’t know what I’ve done to hurt you but, from the bottom of my heart, I apologize. I swear it won’t happen again. 🤧

Okay, okay. All jokes aside. This is a real toughie and I’m gonna have to reveal just how much of a dumb bitch I really am to explain my answer. Yes, I fall back on the zodiac to fill in any gaps in characterization and determine just how compatible I actually am with fictional men. Sue me. As per usual, this post got a bit away from me so if you want to skip down to the TL;DR for my final answer, please do. I encourage it, actually. lol 

Ishigami Senkuu

January 4th - Capricorn

Strengths: leadership, responsible, disciplined, self-control, good managers

Weaknesses: lack of compassion, know-it-all, unforgiving, condescending, expecting the worst

“Capricorn is a sign that represents time and responsibility, and its representatives are traditional and often very serious by nature. These individuals possess an inner state of independence that enables significant progress both in their personal and professional lives. They are masters of self control and have the ability to lead the way, make solid and realistic plans, and manage many people who work for them at any time. They will learn from their mistakes and get to the top based solely on their experience or expertise.”

“Known for their rational approach to life and their emotions are often well hidden from plain view. Not only is it imperative for them to stick to the realm of absolute intimacy to open their heart for someone but they are often not fully aware of their feelings before hardships occur. This will put pressure on their love life as they have to make a strict and specific equation out of everything, distancing them from carefree and smiling partners who wish to have fun in a relationship.”

“There is nothing easy in the love life of these individuals but they will not see this as the end of the world. They have enough passion and warmth carried within and if mutual respect is found and strong boundaries respected both ways, they will be prepared to let someone into their world and protect them with their shield.”

“As an earth sign, Capricorn has a powerful and instinctive sensuality which expresses itself in a straightforward and natural way without the need for props, frills or adornment. Is it somewhat bereft of romance? Well maybe, but what Capricorn lacks in the way of sentimentality, it more than makes up for in terms of responsibility and discretion ... once it overcomes its initial reserve and caution, it can usually be relied upon to give full satisfaction, no matter how long it takes. As with most other things in its life, Capricorn prefers to take its time over its lovemaking, and its highly developed self-control gives it the stamina to stay the course.”

Nara Shikamaru

September 22 - Virgo

Strengths: pure emotion, loyal, analytical, kind, hardworking, practical

Weaknesses: sensitive to toxic environments, shyness, worry, overly critical of self and others, all work and no play

“Virgo’s are always paying attention to the smallest details and their deep sense of humanity makes them one of the most careful of the zodiac. Their methodical approach to life ensures that nothing is left to chance and although they are often tender, their heart might be closed for the outer world. This is a sign often misunderstood, not because they lack the ability to express but because they won’t accept their feelings as valid, true or even relevant when opposed to reason.”

“Feelings of love and life may be a bit like ocean waves that move with the current. With so much water flowing through their primal nature, their rational mind will easily fade around those that touch their heart. This makes them vulnerable to all sorts of betrayals and wrong compromises along the way. They need to be stable and firm in understanding and deciphering their own feelings before anyone else’s or they might lower their guard too far down.”

“They need a partner who is as fragile as they are but also someone who is aware of the strength of their emotional world.”

“ Many Virgos aren’t particularly comfortable with demonstrative displays of emotion or dramatic, over-the-top outbursts. Normally quite shy by nature, they prefer to express their affection in tangible, down-to-earth ways: love for them is about actions, not just empty words. Big worriers who don’t find it easy to show their feelings, Virgos are prone to internalizing their anxieties about their physical desirability – frequently making themselves ill in the process – and can often be a bit uptight around sex. To balance this, they need lots of reassurance that they’re actually perfectly okay!”

Now ... y’all can correct me if I’m wrong, but that all sounds pretty spot on to me. Like, it’s accurate. I’ve mentioned this a few times when replying to comments on my Dr Stone fics, but I really enjoy how nuanced Senkuu is because there’s a lot going on under the surface of his cool facade. He’s very task-oriented and objective about what needs to be done, but he’s also extremely sympathetic towards others even if he tries to play it off. It seems hard for him to be honest about his feelings because, frankly, they’re not rational enough for his liking, so he tries to find ways to justify them. On the flip side, Shikamaru is a little similar with his cool, objective-oriented outer shell but he’s conversely quite sensitive. Like, hella sensitive. That boy is not anywhere near as tough or impenetrable as he acts and I do think at least part of that is a defense mechanism of some sort to shield his heart, even before Asuma died but especially afterward. They’re both tough to penetrate emotionally and they guard their true feelings so well that it actually does manage to fool people. I mean both the characters around them and also the fans watching at home. So at this point, there doesn’t seem to be a conclusive winner and it should come down to a simple matter of preference, right?

Well, let’s see what the stars have to say about throwing a Leo into the mix.

Capricorn + Leo

“... have one thing in common and it’s their awareness of self. It will be a rare occasion when Leo is attracted to Capricorn but the other way around seems more probable.”

“Both are extremely devoted, especially to each other. Although they may seem to be an unlikely couple on the surface, their love will grow as they discover similarities.”

“Like Barbie and Ken, you’re a good looking pair ... your shared love of achievement and impressive ambition sends power couple fantasies running through your heads. If you’re out to conquer the same goal, your combined skills make you quite an awesome force to behold.”

“The physical intimacy between a Leo and a Capricorn is where this mismatched couple can come together. Leo is hot, physical, feminine, [and] enjoys giving pleasure. In a day to day life, Capricorn is reserved and proper but when it comes to sex, he wants it wild, woolly, rough and tumble. Lucky for him, Leo has a similar sexual appetite. It’s in bed where Leo has the power to make customarily reserved Capricorn throw caution to the wind and become a bit crazy in love.”

“What you’ve got here is one sign with a forensic eye for detail and another who paints with an incredibly broad brushstroke. The possibility of driving each other crazy is real.”

“Capricorn is more likely to be attracted to Leo than the other way around - they’ll watch the lion prance, preform and captivate with their personality and either instantly dislike or feel uncomfortably drawn to them.”

The good: both seek success, Capricorn teaches Leo patience, Leo teaches Capricorn passion

The bad: Leo thinks Capricorn is a cold fish, Capricorn thinks Leo is a show off, it all gets too hard to compromise

Virgo + Leo

“Their rationality might turn into an intellectual battle for sexual dominance, that is, if they ever reach the point in which they both want to have sex with each other.”

“Leo shows Virgo good times and fun, and introduces the spontaneity that is often missing from Virgo’s life. Virgo teaches Leo patience and focuses their intellectual energy.”

“Leo plays cheerleader to pessimistic Virgo while levelheaded Virgo steps into the therapists role, mirroring Leo’s angst until a breakthrough is reached. This is a safe emotional harbor for both of you.”

“Virgo and Leo see their time together in bed as a celebration of their love and commitment. Both are hopeless romantics so there will be plenty of physical foreplay, including morning kisses, long evening embraces, candles, flowers, and massages. A creative and open minded Leo is always willing to try something new and Virgo, who is no prude either, will be a willing follower. Together these two can reach sexual heights they’ve never experienced before.”

“A comedy of errors ...Leo and Virgo are forever working through misunderstandings and mending communication fences. Often it’s as if they speak different languages.”

“Leo pounces and Virgo, invariably, plays hard to get, rebuffing the lion and appearing completely underwhelmed by their charms. This of course drives Leo into a frenzy of heightened passion - they pull out their A game and deliver super hot maneuvers. The funny thing is that such scenarios are usually Virgo devised and orchestrated. They’ve probably observed the flamboyant lion in action - noted that everyone submits to their charisma and decided to go in the opposite direction. If played correctly Leo becomes a lovesick pussy cat ...”

“Virgo is a bit of a tease - for much of the “falling in Love” phase they love-starve Leo who shamelessly begs for morsels of affection. It actually makes the attraction between them electric.”

The good: Virgo teaches Leo patience, Leo teaches Virgo to have fun, they are fascinated by each other

The bad: messy Leo drives neat freak Virgo crazy, negative Virgo brings Leo down, poor communication abounds

So ... what did we take from all that? Well, first of all, both of them are apparently going to teach me patience which I admit I sorely need. Conversely, I’d bring passion, fun and spontaneity to their lives. On one hand, Senkuu seems like he’d be much more drawn to me than Shikamaru because even though I do stay drinking my dumb bitch juice, we have similar driving forces in our lives and I’m not a complete idiot. I love science, especially when it comes to learning about space and how the world works, just not the mathematical portion. That part can eat my ass tbh. On the other hand though, if Shikamaru and I could sort of find a common ground to stand on it sounds like it would be a very healthy relationship for the both of us which I need so badly it’s kind of not funny. Like, I’m self-aware enough to realize what I need out of a hypothetical relationship and it (unfortunately) is the kind of emotional connection that facilitates healing and growth rather than stagnation. I don’t think either of them would just sit there and watch me flounder in my angst, as one of those quotes put it, but everything is pointing at Shikamaru being much more well equipped to tackle the problem while simultaneously needing the same in return, which I would be more than happy to give him.

TL;DR: I actually cannot pick between them. I just can’t do it. I love them both for strangely similar but also drastically different reasons and, objectively, I can’t say I like one more than the other. Both give me soft, doki doki feelings that I don’t know what to do with and even after thinking on it for about two hours, I’m incapable of saying with definitive certainty that I like one more. So all I can go off of is what the zodiac has to say about our compatibility which is pointing at both potential relationships being rocky with their ups and downs, but Shikamaru being the more sensitive of the two comes out the winner in the end. That’s not to say I wouldn’t work with Senkuu to truly become the power couple we both secretly crave, but I know my emotions can get away from me at times and it seems to me that Shikamaru would be a smidge more understanding in that department. 

I realize this definitely isn’t the answer you were expecting, anon, and I absolutely considered scrapping this whole post more than once. lol But I didn’t want to shrug off the question just because I couldn’t decide which of them I liked more. Anyway, for the sake of posterity, here’s what the zodiac has to say about me for comparison. 

August 7th - Leo

Strengths: Energetic, creative, passionate, generous, warm-hearted, cheerful, humorous

Weaknesses: Hasty, arrogant, stubborn, self-centered, lazy, inflexible

“Love is the focus point of these individuals, and while their intellectual and instinctive sides are the first ones to show, we will see that they seek someone equal, to share their inner states with. They need a lot of support and a calm partner that soothes their Soul, someone quiet enough and intimate enough to feel safe with. Easy to detach from reality and our planet Earth, their relationships either speak of the unseen and the impossible or present a safe haven where their bodies can rest, and their routine can be brought to balance.”

“Open for new things and often ready to openly show their sexuality, they need a fine touch of love they are worthy of in this lifetime. Romance can be obstructed by their need to prove a point or become the image of something they admire, but as they get closer to their inner truth and become aware of their talents and potentials, they invite the right partner to be within a strangely peaceful union. Although they sometimes stand opposed to marriage and structures and forms that put any relationship in a drawer, they will gladly commit to the right person by their side, in all those surprising and unusual ways.”

“This Fire sign is passionate and sincere and its representatives show their feelings with ease and clarity. When in love, they are fun, loyal, respectful and very generous towards their loved one. They will take the role of a leader in any relationship, and strongly rely on their need for independence and initiative. This can be tiring for their partner at times, especially if they start imposing their will and organizing things that aren't theirs to organize in the first place. Each Leo needs a partner who is self-aware, reasonable and on the same intellectual level as them. Their partner also has to feel free to express and fight for themselves, or too much light from their Leo's Sun might burn their own personality down.”

“Sex life of each Leo is an adventure, fun and very energetic. This is someone who has a clear understanding of boundaries between sex and love, but might fail to see how important intimacy and emotional connection is to the quality of their sex life. Every Leo needs a partner to fight through their awareness and reach their sensitive, subconscious core, in order to find true satisfaction in a meaningful relationship.”

(Spoiler alert: this is all true, except the part about taking on the role of leader in relationships. I genuinely love being dominated in bed, but only if I deem my partner worthy or adequate enough to get the job done. Other than that though, I can’t say any part of this is horribly incorrect. Oops. : / )

#inane rambling #naruto #dr stone

[cummunication]

My superpower [is my downfall]

I have a confession… I may or may not have a super power. It’s not flying or invisibility. It’s not telekinesis or x-ray vision; although that would be pretty cool. If I could I would change it… maybe to teleportation since I’m always running late. My superpower is…drum-roll please… being a highly sensitive introverted empath! Never heard of it before? You’re not alone. “A highly sensitive person (HSP) experiences the world differently than others. Due to a biological difference that they're born with, highly sensitive people are more aware of subtleties and process information deeply. HSP, or Highly Sensitive Person) is not a disorder, or a diagnosis. It is a neutral trait that evolved in 20% of the human population and many non-human species as well, because it is a survival advantage in some situations and not in others.” Being highly sensitive as well as empathic, is a blessing and a curse. It’s one which I feel lucky to have but at times doomed. If you aren’t aware of your HSP-E traits, it can get you into some shit. “There is no doubt about the fact that some people seem to have heightened emotions and be more sensitive than others. Having a particularly high level of emotional sensitivity is an actual condition - (HSP) In other words, being highly sensitive has an emotional dimension to it, and most HSPs would qualify as empaths — they tend to feel the emotions of others just like empaths do. At the same time, being an HSP also involves being more sensitive to all sensory input, not just emotions.” Introverts tend to be overly stimulated by external surroundings. This is why many introverts would also label as HSP’s. An introvert myself, I get anxious and exhausted in loud, busy crowds. Basically I need my alone and quiet time to relax and recharge. “Highly sensitive people are typically introverts whereas empaths can be introverts or extroverts, (though most are introverts) called Sensory Processing Sensitivity (SPS). ... The difference is, in addition to being an HSP, an empath is also clairsentient. That means that they can sense or feel the (emotional) energy around them without the use of their five senses. If you're a highly sensitive introvert, you know that everyday life can sometimes be a real struggle. ... Both introverts and extroverts can be highly sensitive, but the majority of HSPs are introverted (about 70 percent). When you're both an introvert and an HSP, it can feel like a one-two punch.” I personally love being introverted but at the same time, people can take offense to when I don’t jump at the offer of going out. It’s not that I don’t like spending time with my friends, it’s just it takes a lot of energy for me to want to stay out as well as engage with people on a consistent basis. I’m somewhat like a turtle, and could spend all day in my “shell” so to speak, with little desire to peak my head out. “In other words, being highly sensitive has an emotional dimension to it. At the same time, being an HSP also involves being more sensitive to all sensory input, not just emotions.” People who define as HSP’s may also be highly empathetic. As I’ve previously stated, this is a double edged sword. People with high empathy lean more towards helping or healing professions. Just because you are an empath however, does not automatically make you an HSP. “Empaths share all the traits of HSPs. These include a low threshold for stimulation, the need for alone time, sensitivity to light, sound, and smell, plus an aversion to large groups. Empaths share a highly sensitive person's love of nature, quiet environments, desire to help others, and a rich inner life.” As an empath, you are (unfortunately) prone to highly dysfunctional relationships/people. People develop high levels of empathy due to early traumatic experiences or growing up in a toxic environment as children. “Because empaths are thought to have hyper-responsive mirror neurons, we deeply resonate with other people's feelings. This means they lack the ability to feel empathy like other people do, which may be caused by an under-active mirror neuron system. Empaths are deeply sensitive individuals who are highly attuned to the emotions and energy of others. They can easily take on the emotions of others as their own. This can be a challenge when they have porous boundaries and end up absorbing the pain and stress of others. Empaths are highly attuned to other people's moods, good and bad. They feel everything, sometimes to an extreme. They take on negativity such as anger or anxiety, which can be exhausting for them. If they are around peace and love, though, their bodies take these on and flourish.” Unfortunately for us empaths, dangerous, predatory people are easily drawn to us and we can be attracted to them as well; since they are our opposite. This can make us easy, vulnerable targets for people with personality disorders that enjoy exploiting people with big hearts since they know we are easily forgiving. They also hate us because they envy our ability to love, which they are not able to do. “Narcissists are sensitive only for themselves whereas empaths are sensitive about the whole world. Most of the empaths are not aware of spiritual reasons of being in this toxic condition. They keep taking the guilt and blame till their breaking point comes. The empath is attracted to the narcissist, and feels their need for affection is being met even if the narcissist isn't doing anything to develop the connection. The empath feels fulfilled and “in love” just from being around them.” I also feel the need to mention that empathy and sympathy are not the same. People have the tendency to correlate and use empathy and sympathy interchangeably however, they are quite different. “The differences between the most commonly used meanings of these two terms is: sympathy is feeling compassion, sorrow, or pity for the hardships that another person encounters. empathy is putting yourself in the shoes of another, which is why actors often talk about it. Empathetic people do not just show concern or act sympathetically. They are able to imagine themselves in someone else's situation. An empath has the ability to physically feel and experience what another person is going through. They literally embody what is going on for other people, and the energy around them.” All in all, being an empath as well as a highly sensitive and introverted person can be draining and take a lot of emotional intelligence, as well as training to learn how to manage these characteristics as well as not get taken advantage of. It’s a beautiful thing to feel so deeply, especially living in the world we are today. That’s why it can be easy to believe “something is wrong with you” or that you don’t belong in a society which can be cruel and encourages people to listen to logic versus intuition. “Empaths are those in your life who are the healers, the nurturers, the highly sensitive lovers that give, and give, and give, often to the point of exhaustion. Though considered rare, empaths actually make up 15-20% of the population, meaning that there is a chance you yourself could be one. For empaths, it is related to the stress of constantly feeling other people's emotions.” It can be tempting to wish you didn’t feel things so extremely; when you’re high you’re super high but when you’re low, you come crashing down harder than ever, it can feel unbearable. I invite you to embrace your emotions and learn to cope with your feelings properly. The people whose lives you touch will be grateful you did… as well as yourself. 

#empath #empathy #hsp #highlysensitivepeople #highlysensitiveperson #introvert #introverted #introvertlife

[fairycosmos]

i wish i was in the hospital. i don’t feel important. i feel like i make everything so hard. and i feel so alone. i’ve been so closed off from the world for awhile, so i don’t have any friends and my family’s really fallen apart over time. i feel so stuck here. i’m so sad. i want to die but i don’t want to leave my mom, even though we don’t have a relationship and she’s never really home. i’m sadder than i’ve ever been. and i’m trying to start getting my life together but i don’t feel capable.

love :(( i'm so sorry to hear that. mental illness often makes us crave familiarity so that we see threat in the concept of change, blinding us to any thing good about it. your brain is automatically going to convince you right off the bat that there's no hope as a manipulation tactic, and it's going to use your emotional pain as 'proof' - when in reality nothing is set in stone, you're still adapting to a new situation and your inner turmoil is as intense as it's ever going to be. it's not a permanent state of mind, i promise. you don't have to believe me at the moment, and i'm not saying that the future will be perfect, but it will not be as bad as your mind is forcing you to believe. identifying these thoughts as pointless and self destructive is the first step towards discrediting them. i know it's a lot of work, i know you're tired. but even attempting is good enough. that's all anyone should ask of you. i want to say that it's truly okay for it to hurt, and to cry. processing that doesn't mean you're a hopeless case, or that nothing can be done for you. progress seriously doesn't have to be linear or overly obvious and every single day that you're surviving, you're subconsciously building the foundation of a more stable future. another concept to keep in mind is that of misplaced guilt - you don't make everything hard. you're dealing with a very real and upsetting illness. those around you aren't constantly judging you by the same standard you hold yourself to. you didn't ask for any of this and you're doing what you can with what you've been given to make it through. that counts for so fucking much. the fact that you are trying means you're deserving and admirable, and that some part of you has a bit of hope. even subconsciously you are aware of the potential in your life.

sadness and happiness are not necessarily always mutually exclusive, no matter how much it seems like they are. moments of warmth and relief are genuinely inevitable, youre not an exception to that. and things always return to a middle ground once you give yourself the time to adapt and grow with your circumstances. i get that these words seem meaningless at the moment - i just honestly believe there is so much waiting for you. it doesn't have to be big or immediately life changing. just the natural continuation of your existence is going to offer you peace and perspective in more ways than one. anyways, i totally feel you about the not having friends thing. it's lonely and disorienting, and it can fuck with your perception of yourself because you don't have anyone to make you feel real. but it's more common to go through phases of solitude than you realize. it's not an indicator of your worth or what you deserve. it doesn't dictate the way your life always going to be. it's just the way circumstances work out after a long time away, or after you've isolated yourself (on purpose or otherwise). there's no rush, and reconnection can be achieved at your own pace, in your own way. people will walk in and out of your life when you least expect it and it will never ever ever be a reflection of your significance. i mean it. having a support network is important but it doesn't have to be ideal to be effective. i know you said your relationship with your mum isn't great, but do you think she'd be receptive to an honest conversation about your needs? or even just being home more, if you brought it up to her? if it's a long shot then forget it, but if it's an option......it might do you good to set some boundaries n get it all off your chest. it can feel embrarassing to talk about what hurts but that's a learned shame, it's not substantial. you cant control her behaviour or how she reacts, and those factors will always be her responsibility alone, but you can control how you choose to communicate. as an alternative, maybe you could get in touch with your other family members or any professionals who are still in your life? maybe even a support group or a teacher if you're of that age? there are also countless mental health hotlines available and they can honestly help - you don't have to reveal personal information, and you're in charge of the call. these are all just choices to consider, no pressure. knowing you have that to fall back on and that you are not as isolated as you feel, could really make a difference. because i promise, people understand. people have been where you are, and many still are. you don't have to handle this as if you're on your own.

are you still getting help or seeing a professional on a consistent basis? if so, maybe you could talk to them about how you're feeling, about slowing the process down so you have time to get used to life outside the hospital. it's ok to say what you want and to speak your mind. that's how you stop feeling so trapped, by continuing to give yourself what you need, even in the smallest of ways. i promise from the bottom of my heart that you are important and that the only one who can't see it is you. in times of stress or change, mental illness will try to convince you of all sorts, because it does not thrive off of progress and communication, both of which are in store for you. it's completely normal to be scared and to not have everything figured out. life only makes sense backwards, yeah? so give yourself the time and tools to live the solutions to your current worries. temporary breakdowns don't negate all od your process and there is nothing wrong with feeling negative emotions, as long as you try cope with them in a healthy way. even if that's just by lying in bed and holding yourself back. you are capable, and of course you don't feel like you are yet, but time will prove so much. i hate to sound as cheesy as this, but it's just the truth. look, you don't have to be happy all the time to make improvements. your current goal should just be to live with your mental illness, to be able to recognise and counteract harmful patterns or behaviours to engage in, and to look for support anywhere it's available. ultimately i understand it feels impossible to believe any of it when the sadness is just crushing. some days are like that, and i'm sorry because you deserve better. i'm also just hyper aware of the fact that i can see what your illness is preventing you from seeing - and that is that time is going to reassure you about most of your worries, and your perspective is not permanent especially if you're seeking treatment, which you have been. i believe in you with all my soul and i really hope you know that im rooting for you!! if you'd like to talk about this properly or you need a friend, please just let me know. you're not alone, and i'll be here. take it a day at a time, or an hour at a time if that seems like too much. sending love.

#anon #:((( #long post

[tenspontaneite]

Paper Cranes (23/?)

Hikaru’s stress, and also actions, begin to catch up to him.

Chapter warnings: stress, negative thinking. More detail in end notes.

 Of all the various friends Hikaru had dicked around during his demon ordeal, he probably felt worst about Yashiro.

Yashiro was just too nice. He was a grumpy bastard and too insistent on cleanliness for him to be a natural teenager, but he just…objectively was not a dickhead. After several unpleasant conversations, Hikaru could now (begrudgingly) admit that he felt guilty about how he’d treated Touya, but at least Touya had been a dickhead right back at him. He always gave as good as he got, especially when it came to being an arsehole. But Yashiro?

Yashiro had just been worried. He’d pushed once he’d overheard Hikaru on the phone to Utagawashi, yeah, but…he’d been pretty okay about it. It had been annoying, but okay. And Hikaru was hardly going to forget how he’d opened his home at the drop of a hat when he’d needed it. And he’d called Hikaru about the news, possibly saving his life in the process, because what if Hikaru hadn’t been prepared for Kaminaga to come that night? It…might have been nasty. Nastier, he amended to himself, because the night had already been plenty nasty.

Generally, Yashiro was not a dickhead, and that meant Hikaru felt much guiltier about being a cagey bastard with him than with Touya, and especially for what he’d probably put him through with calling the police and whatever else. So, logically, Hikaru had been steadfastly avoiding thinking about the boy.

This was made much more difficult when his mother brusquely informed him that she’d given Yashiro permission to stay over that weekend, because he’d wanted to visit Hikaru and couldn’t do it in the week.

Hikaru stared at her as the words sank in, feeling distinctly uncomfortable. “…When’s he getting here?” He asked, eventually, and felt far less cheerful about his imminent release from the hospital than he had been before.

“This evening, actually.” His mother said, casting a befuddled glance to the flower arrangement at his bedside. “He’ll be there when you get home tomorrow. It might be useful for you – he can be your hands while he’s here, after all.”

“Great.” Hikaru said, unenthusiastically.

“Don’t be like that.” She said, tone automatically shifting to the sternness that was her ingrained response to Hikaru-in-a-mood. “He’s your friend, isn’t he?”

“Yeah.” He sighed, a little morose. He had been hoping to get through at least two days without having any more highly uncomfortable talks, but that had probably been overly optimistic of him. “Well. I guess he can play Go, at least.”

“You’re not allowed to play a game for six weeks.” She reminded him, eyes wandering back to the flowers again.

“Verbal. Verbal Go. I’m not going to use my hands.” He clarified, shuffling on the bed. “He can place my stones for me.”

“That’s nice.” His mother answered distractedly, clearly not listening past the initial assurance. “Hikaru, weren’t there more flowers than this? I thought there were six of the sunflowers.”

He was honestly surprised she’d noticed that, but… “I gave one to a friend.” He shrugged. It was hardly a secret.

“Oh, I see. Akira-kun?”

“You think I’d give Touya a sunflower?” Hikaru asked incredulously, then paused to consider it. “…Maybe I should give him one. Just to fuck with him. He’d be so confused.”

“Hikaru. Language.”

“Yeah.” He said, already delighted at the idea. He could just imagine the faces the other pro would make. “Anyway, no, it wasn’t him. I gave it to Setsu.” He made sure to say it very casually. Dismissively, even.

Her eyes narrowed at him. “Setsu, you say. I was told that someone by that name had visited you, but I’d never heard the name before.”

Hikaru gave her an oblivious stare. “What, I haven’t mentioned Setsu before?” He said, affecting a tone of confusion.

“You haven’t.” She confirmed.

“Oh. Well, I guess we’ve not been friends that long.” He mused, consideringly, as though it all made sense now. “Well, anyway, we played a game a while back, and we’re friends now.”

“Oh.” She said, already sounding less interested. He could practically see her slotting Setsu into the ‘Hikaru’s Go friends’ category. Excellent. “I see. Is Setsu good at Go?”

“Good-ish. Better than most amateurs I tutor, but nowhere near as good as me.” He said, and threw in some more technical stuff to throw her off. “I mean, if I was going to guess, I think Setsu would probably either pass the pro exam or get one of the top spots. But, like, that joseki is old, and it’s old and clumsy so there’s tons of weaknesses. Any pro could win against that, probably.”

“That’s nice, Hikaru.” She said tolerantly, clearly not listening anymore. Success.

He nodded to himself with satisfaction, and allowed her to work out her remaining bits of small talk and idle news at him before she left for the day. He had, quite expertly, made it so at least one person would accept Setsu as an acknowledged real friend-of-Hikaru if it ever came up. After all, if Setsu was walking around embodied now, it was best to make some preparations. It wouldn’t be enough of a bastion against the bull-headed curiosity of his crazy friends, but it was better than nothing.

Later that day, after his mother had left, Waya and Isumi came to visit. Hikaru felt them approaching not long after they walked into the hospital, identifying their somewhat-familiar souls once they were close enough to ambiently feel. He made a face at his bedclothes as they lingered at reception, presumably signing in.

Clearly, he had been far too optimistic in hoping he’d manage to go two days without awkward conversations.

He sighed, resigned, and sat up to watch the door as they approached. It was Isumi who knocked, calling “Shindou-kun?” through the door. “It’s Isumi, and Waya.”

“Yeah, I know.” He said, unthinkingly, and then shook his head. Ugh. “Come in.”

The door opened, and two faces poked their way in, eyes immediately fixing on him. The mood-patterns on their souls twisted oddly as they processed his appearance, and he wondered what it was that they were seeing. Isumi stepped in, and then Waya, closing the door behind him.

“…Huh.” Waya said, looking distinctly bothered by the sight of him.

“Don’t just stand there, it’s weird. Pull up some chairs or something.” Hikaru told him, a little crossly. If he was going to have more awkward conversations, he at least didn’t want them looming over him for it. There was a distinctly uncomfortable quiet as they followed his directive, situating themselves by the bedside. Hikaru made sure to plant his hands in plain view, just to get that out of the way.

“I’m glad you’re alright, Shindou-kun.” Isumi said, once he was seated. “We haven’t heard much, just that you’d been injured and ended up in hospital but it wasn’t serious.”

Waya nodded, taking the opening to speak. “I was just kind of pissed about you not coming to the Kisei match, at first.” He ventured, tilting his head a little to stare at Hikaru’s hands with a befuddled expression. “I guess no one called the Association until later, so at first your match was ruled as a forfeit, and, uh…”

“You thought I was being a match-forfeiting tool again?” Hikaru guessed, unamused. It seemed that streak of unpleasantness would, quite literally, forever be haunting him.

“I didn’t really think anything, I was just pissed off.” Waya denied, somewhat shifty-eyed. “I may have sent some angry messages.”

“Don’t bother reading them.” Isumi advised him. “They’re terribly rude.”

“Anyway, we didn’t hear from you at all for like two days and that started to be weird, so we texted your neighbour, and she said you were in the hospital.” Waya went on, as though Isumi hadn’t spoken. “And she just didn’t say anything else, so…”

“I think I was still unconscious then?” Hikaru suggested, thinking it through. “I was out for like three days, so probably she didn’t know enough to tell you.” Both Isumi and Waya stared at him, visibly taken-aback.

“…I didn’t know that.” Waya admitted, unusually subdued. “Three days? That’s…I guess it makes sense we didn’t hear much from her, then. A day later she got back to us and said you were fine but had injured your hands, and that didn’t sound too bad, you know?” He gestured to Hikaru’s hands, which were still in plain view in their orthoses. “But that looks more serious than I thought, you know. I guess I sort of thought that somehow this whole hospital thing was just more bullshit and I’d walk in and you’d have, like, a tiny cut or something, but…”

Hikaru sighed. He was just…so tired of all of this. “I was unconscious for three days, I’ve got permanent hand damage, and also I’ve got an infection.” He said, flatly. “It’s gonna be a good two months before I can play a game with my own hands again.” Predictably, both of them looked quite stunned at that.

Any moment now, they were going to ask what had happened. And he’d have to tell them, because they’d been worried, and they were his friends, and that meant he should tell them something, because it wasn’t fair otherwise. But he was just so sick of it. This whole week had been stuffed full of horrible talks and he was completely, utterly tired. And he still had to talk to Yashiro.

At least he was starting to run out of people who he had to be somewhat truthful with.

“Do you mind telling us what happened?” Isumi asked, and despite himself, Hikaru felt some tension release. That was…an unexpectedly nice way of asking. He shrugged tiredly.

“I got attacked by a guy with a sword.” He answered, dully, slumping back against the back of the hospital bed. “And then I got away, but a load of my tendons were cut up so they had to do surgery.”

Both visitors stared at him. Isumi was observing him with a slightly furrowed brow, the look of his soul somewhere between an instinctive flash of dubiousness and a more dominant understanding, but Waya…

He folded his arms. “Shindou,” he said, a little tightly. “I swear to god, if you’re choosing now to bullshit when you’re in fucking hospital-“

Hikaru’s face twisted in tandem with the tense, unhappy lurch of his guts, and he turned away with an angry, hissing huff. “I’m not bullshitting.” He retorted. I learned my lesson there with Touya, he almost said, but he bit back the words.

“A sword.” Waya said, voice rising with disbelief, and no small edge of his own anger. “Come on, Shindou, who the fuck gets attacked with a sword? That’s not even a little believable!”

He supposed, really, that this was kind of his fault. If he hadn’t made such a habit of saying complete crap when questioned about uncomfortable topics, it might be more believable, but… “Me, obviously!” He shot back, the distinct and unpleasant sensation of stress seething in his limbs and bubbling through his voice. “I didn’t ask to get attacked by a crazy swordsman, but it happened! If you don’t believe me you can just fuck off.” His energy bristled and churned around him, but he held it inwards, not risking something like what had happened with Touya.

Waya half-stood up, looking very ready to get argumentative, and while his soul wasn’t as weirdly expressive as Touya’s, it was easy to see similar emotions there as during the fight earlier that week. It just figured that Hikaru would get the same response by actually telling the truth, didn’t it.

Then, suddenly, like a breath of fresh air, Isumi held his hand out as though to bar Waya from moving. “I believe you.” He said to Hikaru, voice quiet and sympathetic.

Waya stared at him incredulously. “What? Isumi-“

“It was on the news, wasn’t it? That man in Yokohama was killed with a sword, and it was reported that there was a linked incident last Friday here in Tokyo.” He went on, looking perfectly calm, though his soul didn’t quite match that outwards appearance. “Was that you?”

Hikaru averted his eyes from Waya, fixing them on Isumi. His shoulders loosened a little. “…Yeah.” He agreed, woodenly. “Same guy. I had to talk to the police about it, once they finished operating on my hands.”

“I’m sorry.” Isumi said, completely and sincerely sympathetic. “That must have been a horrible experience.”

He looked away again, because the sympathy was uncomfortable to look at, too. “I’m fine. I lived, didn’t I?” For a given value of ‘lived’, since one of the consequences was that he was now sort of dying. Hikaru grimaced at the thought, and then deliberately pushed it away.

Waya looked between him and Isumi, face contorted into conflicted confusion. “…What?” He asked, almost uncomprehendingly. “Are you trying to tell me you actually got attacked with a sword?”

“I fucking said so, didn’t I?” Hikaru bit out, voice positively caustic.

“Yeah, but most of the time when you say stuff like that it isn’t true.” Waya said, and Hikaru considered telling him that, in fact, a lot of the bullshit he spouted was actually true. “But…you actually, like, got attacked?”

Isumi sighed. “Waya.”

Hikaru considered saying something very uncomplimentary, but breathed, and fell back on Akari’s advice. “Yes, Waya. I actually got attacked. With a sword. And I don’t want to talk about it.”

Waya looked almost personally affronted at the last sentence. He leaned forwards in an quick, thoughtless motion. “Not even why it happened? I mean, why the hell did the murderer guy go after you? Is it someone you know, Shindou? Do you know if they caught him yet?”

It was like Touya all over again. Hikaru restrained another biting response. “I just said I didn’t want to talk about it. And no, they haven’t caught him yet.” That was probably something else he’d have to deal with, once he left the hospital. Kaminaga.

Hikaru really wished he could spend maybe two consecutive days just…resting. Not having to have horrible conversations. Not having to deal with someone who was partially responsible for some of the horrible things that had happened to him.

“So you do know him?” Waya pressed, as if he’d heard a completely different response.

Hikaru scowled. “When the hell did I say that?” He demanded.

“You didn’t, but you didn’t deny it, so-”

“That doesn’t mean it’s true! I said I didn’t want to talk about it!” Under ordinary circumstances, he’d have clenched his fists. Paced around. Maybe thrown something. Instead he held rigidly still, eyes fixed determinedly on his hands as frustration prickled at his throat.

Waya started to talk again, but barely got another syllable out before he was mercifully stopped.

“Waya.” Isumi said, firmly. Almost sternly. “He’s literally sitting in a hospital bed. Now isn’t the time to bother him, and if he doesn’t want to talk, you need to respect that.”

Cautiously, Hikaru looked over. Waya was staring at his friend, looking somewhat betrayed. “But-“

“No.” The older pro reiterated, and fixed him with a surprisingly steely look. “Don’t be unkind.”

Sullenly, Waya fell quiet. Hikaru was briefly very, very relieved that he hadn’t come to visit alone. It would have been a nightmare.

Isumi looked over at him. “Shindou-kun? Would you like us to stay for a while? We could discuss some of the games you’ve missed in the last week, if you like.”

He blinked, and leaned back. “No.” He said, bluntly. “No, I’m tired. I want to rest.”

His friend nodded, and…that, apparently, was that. He rose from his chair, pulling Waya with him. “We won’t stay any longer, then. Come on, Waya.” He ignored the younger boy’s protests as he herded him easily to the door. He looked back briefly. “I hope you feel better soon.”

“…Thanks.” He said, and held carefully still until the door was closed and his friends’ presences were receding down the hallway.

Slowly, he slumped into the bed, the beginnings of a stress-headache clawing at his brain. He wished he could look forwards to getting out of hospital, but…

Yashiro.

Hikaru sighed, and turned over to go to sleep. It wasn’t even late afternoon yet, but he was tired, and utterly fed up with dealing with everything. Sleep was easier.

 ---

 The morning of his release, Hikaru went through the usual wound-checking and hand exercises with a distinct feeling of trepidation. He nodded through the comments on the progress of his healing, made approving noises over the apparent slight improvement of his infection, and obligingly twitched his fingers in all the ways he was told, but his thoughts were manifestly elsewhere. He had slept off some of the tension, but his mood felt alarmingly fragile, and he was not at all looking forward to another unpleasant conversation.

Then nurse Furutani brought in the clean, non-hospital clothes his mother had dropped on, and Hikaru was instantly intrigued.

“That’s a real t-shirt.” He pointed out, oddly charmed by the sight of the completely normal clothing. “And real trousers. Not….hospital crap.”

“They are indeed.” Nurse Furutani agreed, looking secretively amused. “We’ll see how well you do at getting into them, hm?”

“Why would I-“ He started to ask, then looked at his hands. They remained, as expected, within the hell-implements that controlled their positioning. “…Right. So putting clothes on is going to be a pain now.”

“I think I can safely say that lots of things are going to be a pain.” The nurse nodded, looking far too cheerful about the whole thing, and cajoled him into accepting the clothing. “See how you do on your own to begin with, I’ll help if you need it.”

In the end, embarrassingly, Hikaru did indeed need help. It was just a normal t-shirt, no buttons or anything, but manoeuvring his hands through the thing without pulling his fingers into bad-feeling positions proved to be basically impossible, so he had so sit sullenly while the nurse did it for him and pulled the shirt over his head. He managed the trousers through sheer bull-headed determination, using judicious applications of weight through his elbows to hold them in place on the bedside while he pulled his legs into them. Actually fastening them proved to be a pain, though. He managed the zip but not the button, and stubbornly pulled his shirt down over it to conceal that small failure.

“I emerge victorious.” He said to Nurse Furutani, who obligingly offered some applause. After that it was just a matter of waiting for his mother to show up and sign a load of papers.

When she did arrive, she arrived with not only Akari but also Yashiro in tow. Hikaru was thankfully forewarned to this by his far-reaching senses, but it made the initial moments no less awkward.

Hikaru ignored his mother and Akari entirely in favour of staring tensely at Yashiro. Yashiro, for his part, folded his arms and looked very accusative. His soul revealed a great number of conflicting feelings and looking at them made Hikaru feel distinctly guilty.

“Oh god, am I going to have to mediate again?” Akari said, after looking between them for a few seconds. Hikaru was inclined to forgive her the words, because it neatly broke the awkward silence.

“Mediate?” Yashiro asked, as the group as a whole led Hikaru out of his hospital room. He’d only been down the corridor to go to the toilet in the whole time he’d been there, so approaching the stairs felt almost exciting. “What did you need to mediate?”

Hikaru noticed that his mother looked quite interested in the answer, too. “Hikaru and Touya-kun had a fight and they were being idiots about it, so I sorted it out.” She peered at Hikaru. “Did it go alright, on Thursday?”

“….It went okay.” He admitted, grudgingly. “But then Waya came yesterday and made a pain of himself, like I knew he would.”

“Oh dear.” His mother said, sounding mildly concerned.

“In fairness, I feel like you’ve been putting off all these conversations for a while, so I think you’re just overdue.” Akari pointed out, with just the slightest edge of sympathy. He didn’t feel particularly comforted.

Yashiro side-eyed him, and said nothing. The silence was very expressive. Hikaru instantly felt both guiltier and more stressed.

“Maybe.” Hikaru said, vaguely, and allowed the polite conversation of his mother and Akari to fill the quiet, interspersed with an occasional comment by Yashiro.

His mother had actually hired a taxi to get them home, which was unexpected, but pleasant. He wouldn’t have enjoyed navigating public transport with his hands as they were. Humiliatingly, Akari had to plug in his seatbelt, as he couldn’t move his fingers enough to get the necessary leverage. There would probably be a lot of things like that, in the weeks to come. Hikaru produced a long and rather depressed sigh at the thought of it, and turned his head to the side.

Hikaru stared out of the window, watching the streets progressively become more familiar. At the same time, he could feel a bright patch of energy growing closer, a familiar mesh woven into brick and wiring. The house-wards. He was surprised by how much he was looking forward to walking through them, considering what he’d seen happen to the ones on the shrine. They still felt safe, even if he knew that they didn’t stand up to serious threats.

Eventually, they arrived. His mother paid the taxi driver, and then went to unlock the front door. At the sight of it Hikaru felt a lurch in his gut, and hurried after her, suddenly almost desperate to get home again. He passed through the threshold, the wardlight shimmering over him as he breathed in the familiar air of home, and felt suddenly far more emotional than he’d anticipated. He lingered in the doorway, closed his eyes briefly as he struggled for composure, and then stepped in to kick off his shoes.

When he looked up, Akari was just beyond the doorframe, and inspecting him with an annoying understanding look. “…I’ll leave you to get settled back in.” She decided, and stepped back. “I’ll drop by sometime this weekend, okay?” She didn’t wait for a response, merely flashing a smile at him and then turning away in the direction of her own home.

Yashiro shrugged, and stepped inside, closing the door. Hikaru didn’t pay much attention to him, though, instead turning to walk into the familiar space with something painful clenching in his chest at the sight of it. The walls, the doors, the light through the windows-

Hikaru shuddered, and breathed, and found himself near-running up the stairs before he could help himself. Distantly, he heard footsteps following after him, felt Yashiro’s presence trailing in unhurried pursuit, but couldn’t bring himself to care much about that.

He burst into his room, breaths coming uncomfortably fast, and wanted to weep at the sight of it. His room, his goban, his window, the kamidana-

Something guided him, some bright hint of power, something he needed – Hikaru stumbled over to his chest of drawers and pulled on a drawer-handle without even thinking about it, rummaging as carefully as he could with his mangled hands until his fingertips brushed against paper bright with energy.

He stilled. Carefully, he drew it out, balanced carefully between two fingers and the orthosis.

Quietly, he dropped to the floor, cradling the closed fan and struggling to calm his breathing. He trailed his fingertips over the paper, the contrast between the insensate skin and the undamaged fingers horribly apparent.

The door closed. Yashiro had stepped into the room and pushed it shut behind him. He stood for a moment. “…Shindou?” He asked, uncertainly. Concern moved on his soul, as oddly noticeable and distinctive as it was on Touya.

Hikaru swallowed. “Yeah?” He said, thickly, and tried to unfold his posture a bit.

“Are you okay?”

Despite himself, he laughed at that. A short, and unhappy noise. He decided against answering.

“…Stupid question, I guess.” Yashiro mused to himself, and carefully crouched beside him. “…is that your fan?”

“Duh.” Hikaru answered, and looked down at it. His gut twisted, because…it looked…well. He held it carefully and then flicked sharply with his wrist to open it, and…

The paper was stained. Almost everywhere, there were smears of blood, smudges, fingerprints. Along one edge, it looked as though it had spread out from the hand that held it, soaking along the paper and staining the ribs, dripping down in places. It was dry, red-brown, and crusted in places. The intact white paper was far more sparse than the marred part.

How oddly appropriate. Hikaru choked down another bitter noise, and brushed off some of the crusty bits with his thumb, blowing the blood-powder off.

“…Is that your blood?” Yashiro asked, just a little incredulous.

He shrugged, heavily. “That’s what happens when you try to hold a fan when your hands are all torn up, I guess.” He said, unable to force the flippancy that the words would have been suited for. The sight of the stained fan was quietly, deeply painful.

“So you had it with you when…you know?” The boy sounded terribly confused. “How is it here then? Wouldn’t it…I dunno, be taken for evidence or something?”

“…It wasn’t. It got taken back here.” He carefully avoided saying who had conveyed it. “I guess I can’t carry it around anymore, all stained like this.” Could he have the paper replaced, maybe? Would that disturb the energy imbued in it? He sighed, heavily, and resolved to ask Utagawashi about it. “What a pain.”

Yashiro looked at him, wearing the scowl his face usually settled into whenever he was thinking particularly hard. He felt concerned enough that it was practically shouting out from his soul, enough that he was actively pushing down on the edge of wanting-answers that curled in strangely coherent spirit-shapes near one edge of him.

Hikaru felt even shittier at the sight of it. “I’m sorry.” He said, abruptly, unable to bear the weight of it anymore. “I’ve been a complete dick to you during all this – I just…” He wanted to bury his face in his hands, but his hands were in orthoses. Another pitiful surge of unhappy stress rose in him at that inability, no matter how trivial it was. “Sorry.” He said, again, unable to find words any less inadequate than that.

Tentatively, Yashiro shuffled around so he could look Hikaru in the eye. Sort of, anyway, because Hikaru wasn’t exactly feeling great about eye contact right now. “There’s some stuff I’d really like to ask about.” He said, voice awkward but very serious.

Hikaru nodded, jerkily, and braced himself. He owed answers to Yashiro, at least. He owed something. He could wait a little longer to collapse into a pathetic stressed mess. He inhaled slowly, and tried to press the ambient distress a little further away. Just a little further.

Yashiro eyed him quietly for a few more seconds before he spoke again. “That said,” He voiced, standing up. “You look like complete shit. I can hold off for a while.” He sighed, and stepped back, as though to give himself more room.

Hikaru stared, uncomprehendingly. The pit in his chest where he was squashing his emotions down held firm, still braced as though for impact. “….What?” He near-blurted.

“You heard me.” Yashiro rolled his shoulders, producing a couple of distinct clicks. “I’m not going to grill you when you look like that. Have a nap, or something. I’ll just go sit with my laptop downstairs for a while.”

“…What?” Hikaru asked again, stupidly.

He gestured pointedly in the direction of the bed. “Have a fucking nap, Shindou. You obviously need some rest.” He straightened, nodded, and then went for the door.

Hikaru watched, utterly still, as the boy opened the door, stepped out, and closed it behind him. His presence receded down the hall and down the stairs, engaging in brief conversation with his mother, and then settling comfortably into the living room. He…didn’t come up again.

It took at least a minute of confusedly monitoring Yashiro’s lack of movement before it started to sink in that…actually, he wasn’t going to have to talk right now. The relief came in a hesitant trickle, and then opened abruptly into a dizzying flood. Hikaru gasped for breath and shook and hunched over his knees as the rest of his denied emotions were dislodged, emerging in a horrible and stomach-twisting tide of upset.

“What the fuck.” He mumbled at himself, setting the fan aside to wipe at his face with his sleeve, and then abruptly descended into a thoroughly pitiful mess of a human being that cried all over himself for basically no reason. A while in, he wanted to go to the bathroom to wash his face with cold water, but the realisation that his hands would get in the way of that made him break out into another awful wave of blubbering. He wasn’t even that upset about his hands…was he?

It felt much as though all the collective stress and unhappiness of the last several weeks was clawing its way out through his eyes and throat, but not before it made an enormous mess of his stomach first, twisting it up into nauseating, thorny knots. Hikaru wept so hard he gagged, unable to get his breathing to settle down, even though he was fine. He’d lived, he’d survived, he was home and he was fine. He hadn’t even needed to make himself talk to Yashiro, but here he was, completely incapable of controlling himself. It was at least fifteen minutes until he managed to get anything approaching a hold on himself, and even then it was tenuous at best. Hikaru wrested a towel out of his wardrobe and buried his face in it, then finally tried to take Yashiro’s suggestion.

He crawled into bed and bawled a bit there for good measure, and then after who-knows how long finally managed to drop into the sleep of the completely exhausted.

---

He had very little idea how long he slept for, but he woke eventually, a headache pounding behind his eyes and pressing insistently at his temples. He felt no less exhausted than he had before he fell asleep, but somewhat more settled. The seething stress was still there, but…lower. Less insistent. It felt somewhat less like it would boil up and bubble out of his skin at the slightest provocation. Instead, he just felt…drained. Oddly empty.

He heaved himself out from under the duvet, and staggered out to the bathroom. He negotiated his way around the various obstacles therein, eventually managing to turn the lock on the door, and then successfully navigating the issue of the toilet, and then finally the tap and its cold stream of water. He dunked his face under the spray of it, not particularly caring that he got his hair wet, and wiped at his face and head afterwards with the bath towel. He returned to his room, and sat on the floor, and felt somewhat better for it.

Hikaru sat purposelessly for several quiet minutes, eyes resting somewhere in the region of his knee and fixing there. He sat, and breathed, and after a while felt somewhat more like a human being.

Carefully, he retrieved the fan from where he’d left it, and moved to put it in front of the kamidana. He stood there, impulses warring. He wanted to light some incense and sit at the shrine, but that was motor coordination he didn’t think his hands could manage at the moment. His lighter was a bitch to work on the best of days, and even if he had matches, those might be even harder.

He sighed, and went to try anywhere, hoping he wouldn’t set fire to himself in the process.

In the end, judicious and careful manoeuvring of his thumb managed to ignite the lighter, but it took several frustrating tries to maintain the flame while also balancing a stick of incense precariously between two fingers, and even more attempts to light the incense, and convey it successfully to the burner. All told it took a good twenty minutes to get the damn incense lit, but as soon as the smell hit he couldn’t bring himself to regret it.

He swayed back, staggered by the familiarity and the way a good part of his soul thrummed in response, choking up his throat with fresh and heart-twisting grief.

It was almost pleasant, was the thing. As always, it hurt like Sai had only just gone, like he was still reeling, like he was still looking for white robes when he turned around. But…it was clean. Clear. As long as he didn’t let himself sink into it too much, the anguish was sharp and awful in the same way as the shining edge of a blade, and so much less complicated than the thorny mire of stress and exhaustion he’d found himself in.

Hikaru supposed that was as good a sign as any that he really needed a break. His literally crippling soul-wounds were less unpleasant than the accumulated muck of the last few weeks.

He stared at the kamidana, and didn’t know what to say. I survived? I nearly died, but I didn’t? I was almost possessed, but I wasn’t in the end? I broke a demon that was even older than you? I saw spirits die? I’m going to have to deal with the damage to my hands for the rest of my life?

…I survived the demon, but I’m dying anyway?

His breath hitched, and he shook, and then apparently he wasn’t done crying yet after all.

The incense had burned out by the time he stopped, this time, but the scent of it lingered. It helped, in its way. The spark in the shrine remained, as quiescent and unaware as ever.

“…ugh.” Hikaru sighed, after a while, wiping his face with his sleeve again. He wondered how puffy his eyes were now, with the salt burning at his eyelids and scouring his cheeks yet again. “Fucking hell.” He expressed to himself, and then rose to walk over and collapse on his bed.

He had no idea what to do with himself.

After a while, it occurred to Hikaru that his phone was probably around somewhere. He got up and looked around for it, eventually finding it in plain sight on his bedside table, which for some reason he’d neglected to check in the first place. He tapped at the power button, but it seemed to be out of charge. He shrugged, and plugged it in, and left it on his bedside table where he’d found it.

He looked around his room, wondering if there was anything else he should be doing. Naturally, his eyes lingered on the goban, but it wasn’t as though he could meaningfully interact with it for a while. He shook his head, and for lack of anything better to do, laid back in bed and reached out with his energy to feel the house wards.

They didn’t feel as strong as he remembered. He wasn’t sure whether that was because he was stronger, the wards actually were weaker, or because he’d seen what happened to the wards on the shine. He felt at them dubiously, and wondered if a few offerings at the house shrine would brighten them up a bit. That, in turn, reminded him that he really needed to be particularly devout at the house shrine for a while. Inari had, quite literally, directly saved his life. There probably weren’t many people who could say that they’d been saved through direct divine intervention. It was quite a thought.

Hikaru sighed, and reached out further, and further, finding a couple of fairly weak spirits that felt like Inari-foxes, who twisted away from his energy with alarmed sparks of something-powerful-reaches. He didn’t find any spirits he recognised.

Hesitantly, he moved the reach around. Directed it in the direction of his grandfather, the shrine, Utagawashi…and, presumably, Kaminaga.

Something felt odd in the ambient energy, as his reach extended. As though something was spilling, churning, exhaling sourness into the air. For a moment, he felt a jolt of pure, instinct-level fear – but it wasn’t demonic. It was utterly different. The low-level energy he felt his way through was stained with pain, as though someone had dropped hurt like ink into water somewhere up-stream, and it had filtered down as it flowed. Dilute, but still evident. Pain, said the spirit-layer, like a ripple from a stone. Something suffers.

The further he reached, the stronger the feeling became, until it fed back through into his own energy like a stain. The eddies of someone else’s agony broke on him, vague and indistinct, with a choking edge of horror and shame.

Hikaru shuddered, and pulled away. He’d felt enough.

His awareness returned to his surroundings in an odd shift of attention. He had so much energy now, and so much reach, that the sensory feedback from it seemed to block out the actual sensations from his body, though only when he was actively reaching. He cleared his throat and blinked rapidly, finding that he’d apparently not been blinking while he investigated the surrounding area.

He became uncomfortably aware of Yashiro’s presence downstairs. A distinctive soul, like Touya, and very easy to notice.

Hikaru shifted on the bed, and checked the time. There was still probably hours to go until dinner. He’d slept quite a long time, but he’d arrived home in the morning, so it wasn’t that late. He sighed, and pulled himself upright, rubbing his face lethargically on his sleeve. His cheeks felt raw and sore from all the salt, and the edges of his eyes ached even more caustically. He offered an unhappy grumble to the empty room, and then staggered out of the bedroom door.

Yashiro’s soul flickered a bit at the sound of footsteps on the stairs, and Hikaru watched it as he descended. He wandered reluctantly into the sitting room, where Yashiro was sat with his laptop, and offered a vague noise of greeting.

The boy looked over at him critically. “...Did you sleep?” He asked, tilting his head. “You still look exhausted.”

Hikaru snorted, and went to sit beside him. “That’s life, I guess.” He said philosophically. “I slept, but it didn’t help that much.” Physically, at any rate. It had helped to settle the stress a bit. “What are you doing?”

“I was reading kifu for a bit, but now I’m reading manga.” He indicated his screen, where indeed there was what looked like a manga page. Hikaru blinked.

“On the computer?” He asked, utterly confused. “You can do that?”

Yashiro rolled his eyes. “You don’t get on the internet much, do you?”

“I look at Go stuff.” He protested.

“Exactly.”

Hikaru looked at him. Yashiro, very calmly, looked back.

Hikaru shifted on the sofa, and fell into an uncomfortable silence wherein he experienced both an intense need to say something and an intense desire not to. He struggled wordlessly for several expectant moments until Yashiro finally took pity on him.

“Are you feeling any better now?”

He shuffled again. “Yeah. I mean…yeah, I guess.”

Yashiro inspected him for several seconds, and nodded. “I should maybe put my laptop upstairs.” He suggested, leadingly.

“…Yeah.” Hikaru agreed, and stood from the sofa, making his way awkwardly back towards the stairs. Yashiro shut his laptop, unplugged it, and followed.

He took a seat on the floor, not far from the goban, as though it might offer some moral support. Yashiro entered and shut the door behind him, setting his things down neatly in a corner. He took his time about it, arranging all the stuff so it looked immaculate, and seemed to be in no hurry to talk, so Hikaru gathered his courage and just…did it himself. Just to get it over with.

“You can ask things now.” He said, abruptly, forcing the words out in a brief moment of willpower. “You know, if you want.”

Yashiro made a thoughtful noise, still tidying his stuff, but sat down after a few seconds, back against the wall. He tended to look odd, sitting down like that. He was tall with particularly gangly limbs, and his legs always looked unnaturally long when he sat on the floor. “Yeah?” He expressed, amiably, as though he didn’t much care either way. He did, though. It was all over him. Outwardly he just seemed to be wearing his near-permanent serious-face, but the conflict between wanting-to-know and concern was abundantly obvious on his soul.

Hikaru stared at him confusedly, and made a face. “Yeah.” He echoed, since the other boy seemed to be waiting for some form of confirmation.

He brought a hand up to itch at an eye, and after a moment, fixed a look at Hikaru that was far more serious than his usual perma-face. “I can wait, you know.” He said, plainly. “If you don’t want to talk about it, it’s okay.” Hikaru’s head drew back at the words, in a sort of reflexive recoiling. It didn’t seem to go unnoticed.

“…But you want to ask things.” Hikaru pointed out, stupidly. He blinked quickly, trying to figure out what Yashiro’s angle was, but…

“Yeah, but you’ve been through some nasty shit.” Yashiro said sensibly. “I do have things I want to ask, but I figure I know more than most people already. I can wait.”

Hikaru flinched back in another almost-recoil, bizarrely flustered by the words. “That’s…” He started, and stopped. That’s not what you’re supposed to say, he almost said, but that barely even made sense to him. “That’s…not…” He shook his head, oddly frustrated and distinctly off-balance. He’d expected resistance, and found none, and now… “Just – ask your questions. It’s fine.” He insisted. Get it over with, he repeated to himself.

Yashiro observed him for several more frustrating moments, and nodded. “Alright.” He said, straightening slowly. “First thing, then. Did you know that guy was going to come after you, when you were on the phone to me?”

That…wasn’t a question he’d been expecting, somehow. Hikaru blinked rapidly, and set his shoulders rigidly. “I mean, I was pretty sure he’d come after me eventually?” He hedged, in a reflexive dodge of the real question being asked. Yashiro didn’t react outwardly to the vague mistruth aside from a very slight shift in his expression, but…there was an obvious shade of disappointment, to be felt by spiritual means. Hikaru winced at it, all the painful prickling guilt surging up again, and exhaled gustily. “…Yeah, I knew.” He admitted, to the real question: did you lie when you said nothing was going to happen? Did you know he was going to come after you that night, when you made me wait?

Yashiro’s expression tightened, a little, and the breath that escaped him was almost a hiss. “That was a shitty thing to do, Shindou. Making me wait to get the police involved.” He informed him, directly. He wasn’t angry, was the thing. Wasn’t even annoyed. He was just sort of…unhappy, disappointed, and a bit hurt. It twisted in him.

This was why Hikaru didn’t like telling the truth.

“…Yeah.” Hikaru agreed, offering no defence. If he’d died, Yashiro would have been in the spectacularly shitty position of someone who could have got the police involved, but hadn’t. It probably wouldn’t have helped. But he didn’t know that.

“Why the hell did you leave the house then, if you knew he was coming after you? Why didn’t you get help?” This time, the frustration actually made its way into his voice, his expression. It rather twisted the knife in Hikaru’s gut. “I don’t get that at all.”

Hikaru bit back the first three instinctive half-truths that tried to bubble out of him, swallowing them down with considerably difficult. How to answer this that was true? “A lot of people would have died if I didn’t go out. Like, a lot.” If he’d called the police, it would have been them, to start with. The demon would have clawed its way through their unprotected souls and murdered a path through however many other people it needed to, to get to Hikaru. And if he hadn’t, and had just left the city….Utagawashi would be dead. All of the foxes, too. And who knows who else.

Yashiro visibly processed that, a heavy scowl furrowing his brow. He always looked so angry when he was thinking particularly hard. “…He was threatening other people? …Did you agree to go out and meet him?”

“No, he was just going to come for me whatever I did, and I wasn’t going to stay home for that.” Hikaru exhaled, fighting back the reflex to run his fingers through his hair, because his hands were out of commission. “I…look, I can tell you something, but you can’t tell anyone else about it.”

He looked up, at that. “If it’s something that could get you killed, I’ll tell whoever I like.” He informed, without an ounce of guile or regret.

Hikaru flinched, and shook his head. “It’s not. It’s just…I had people helping me. With Kaminaga. Not just Utagawashi. They were all at the shrine. That’s why I went there.”

Yashiro straightened, surprise more evident on his soul than his face. “So the priest guy was there?” He demanded, after a moment, and then belatedly added “How many people?”

Hikaru stared down at his mangled hands. “Does it matter? We won. I’m alive. It’s fine now.”

“If you ‘won’,” Yashiro said, and when Hikaru looked up, the boy’s eyes were very sharp. “How the hell did Kaminaga get away?”

“Uh.” Hikaru said, eloquently. He tried to say no one chased him, or they were more worried about me, but it didn’t come out.

Yashiro stared with a sort of steadily dawning horror. “Shindou,” He uttered, slowly. “Do you know where he is?”

He tried to say no, of course not. He failed. The silence was particularly telling.

“Holy shit.” Yashiro said, flatly. “Shindou, what the fuck.”

“It’s…not that bad.” He offered, weakly. “Like…it’s complicated, but he’s not dangerous anymore.”

“What, he magically saw the error of his ways?” His guest snapped, almost sarcastically. “He’s not dangerous when he killed a guy and nearly killed you?” he shook his head, as though vigorously trying to dislodge the notion.

“….Yes?” Hikaru said, and then regretted it when Yashiro’s scowl deepened and he stood up, angling himself decisively towards the door. “Where are you going?” He demanded, alarmed, rising up himself.

The boy stared at him for a very short second. “I would be a really shitty friend if I made the mistake of keeping this crap to myself a second time.” He said, and walked to the door.

Hikaru panicked. He made an abortive lunge for Yashiro, the orthoses pulling oddly at his fingers as he tried to stretch them beyond their capacity to grab- “Yashiro-“

He didn’t even turn back to look at him. Just kept going. “No, Shindou. You don’t get to-“

“It wasn’t his fault!” Hikaru near-shouted at him, and then the over-straining of his fingers fed back in a shooting pain that quivered strangely at his fingertips and then speared up to his wrist. “Ow, fuck.”

Yashiro had reacted to the first part of that, and then turned around fully at the expression of pain. His expression transformed dramatically as he took in the sight of Hikaru cradling his right hand inwards to his chest. “Are you alright?” He asked, immediately, stepping forward to hover anxiously. “Did you fuck up your hand?”

“I dunno.” Hikaru said, worried, and carefully twitched his fingers like he was supposed to for his exercises. It felt fine, and worked fine, but… “It seems okay?”

That concluded, he was worried Yashiro would go for the door again, but the burst of righteous action seemed to have left him. The wind had gone from his sails, so to speak. The fight was no longer in him. “…How can you say it wasn’t his fault?” He asked, finally, tall enough that he loomed a bit, looking down at such short range. “And don’t just say ‘it’s complicated’.”

Hikaru shuffled backwards a little, since Yashiro no longer seemed like an imminent flight risk.  “It is complicated, though.” He muttered, uncomfortably, and avoided Yashiro’s eyes.

The boy frowned at him, and then shoved him lightly back into the room, guiding him over to the bed. “Sit.” He instructed, and while rather perplexed, Hikaru obeyed. Yashiro stepped back and folded his arms, but didn’t sit down. “Explain it to me, then. Is this about the mental health thing? You said he was having a psychotic break?”

Hikaru made a face. “Sort of.”

“That sort of thing doesn’t really go away, Shindou.” Yashiro said, almost gently. “If he slipped on his meds once and killed someone, it could happen again.”

“That…was kind of a metaphor.” Hikaru said, instead of responding to what had actually been spoken. “The psychotic break thing.”

Yashiro tilted his head, looking unsurprised. “Well, I did know you weren’t telling me everything.” He responded, and waited.

Hikaru took a deep, shaky breath, slumping forwards. Thinking. “There was something wrong with him and now there isn’t. He’s not going to hurt anyone.” It was a weak explanation. He knew it was a weak explanation, and Yashiro obviously thought the same. His expectant expression didn’t change at all, as though he were waiting for the real reply. Which, well…he was.

Hikaru breathed.

Then: “There’s actually an explanation for everything,” He said, a little distantly, looking away. “But it’s not really believable.”

He couldn’t see what Yashiro’s face was doing, since he wasn’t looking at it. But the soul implied anticipation. Curiosity, even. “Yeah?” He prompted, like earlier. A sort of gentle, easy-going way to prod for a response. He even sat down again, in what seemed like a calculated move to put Hikaru at ease.

It didn’t really work. Hikaru’s pulse felt uncomfortably heavy, and the stress headache of earlier had resurrected itself, pressing painfully behind his temples. He exhaled, slowly, and then did it again. Yashiro remained patiently silent for a long time, probably at least a minute, while Hikaru attempted to conceptualise the idea of telling the actual truth.

Objectively, Yashiro might be the best person to actually tell. He didn’t live nearby, so couldn’t cause too much bother by pestering him. And, on top of that, he was weirdly good at not pestering unless it was really important. And Hikaru really didn’t want him telling the things he knew to the police. “If you get me put in an asylum, I’m going to get you haunted.” He said, feeling oddly breathless and slightly hysterical with nerves.

Yashiro offered him a look that was equal parts confusion and exasperation. “An asylum?” He repeated, incredulously. “It can’t be that unbelievable.”

Immediately, without giving himself any time to back out of it, Hikaru said “A demon did it.”

The boy stared back at him uncomprehendingly, expression not really changing, as though he were still waiting for words to emerge that weren’t nonsense.

“The killing.” Hikaru clarified. “A demon did it. It was….demonic possession. Kaminaga literally wasn’t in control of himself.” He resolutely ignored the way his blood seemed to all making a concerted effort to rip its way, screaming, out of his body.

Yashiro waited, blank-faced, for a few more seconds. When more words failed to emerge, he said, finally, “You’re right. That’s really not believable.”

Incongruently, Hikaru laughed. It was just…really ironic, that telling the truth was the best way for him to not be believed. Very ironic, and in a kind of shitty way. “Yeah, tell me about it.”

The other boy sat there, wholly perplexed, for a seriously long time. A whole gamut of emotions ran over his soul while he did, too complex and fleeting to properly identify. The thinking-scowl returned in full force, transforming his face into a dire glower that failed to make Hikaru feel threatened. Miraculously, there still wasn’t any anger. No annoyance or anything of the sort.

“That’s….probably the least believable lie you could choose?” He said, eventually, voice exceptionally confused, brows still heavily furrowed. “Like…if you wanted me not to tell people about Kaminaga, there’s got to be better lies?”

“Yeah, probably.” Hikaru agreed. His emotions had gone so far past ‘anxious’ that now he just felt sort of giddy, limbs trembling oddly and his foot tapping frenetically on the floor. He fought back the urge to giggle hysterically

Yashiro stared. He waited, it seemed, for Hikaru to say something, but gave up after a while of that not happening. “Could you maybe elaborate on that bullshit?” He asked, almost hesitant.

Hikaru blinked. “Like how?”

“I don’t know. Just…explain?”

“Uh.” He offered, and then started producing disconnected bits of information. “Kaminaga’s demon wanted to possess me? So it was going to go through him and basically anyone else to do that. It got control of him and came after me?”

“And you went to a shrine.” Yashiro said. It wasn’t a question. There was an expression on his face that looked like a steady realisation, like he was thinking of things and finding they matched up. That Hikaru’s bullshit behaviour meshed quite well with this bullshit explanation. “And, you said that Utagawashi guy is a priest?”

Hikaru blinked at the reminder, and straightened. “Yeah, actually, if you ask him about this he’ll tell you the same thing.” He said, almost surprised at the realisation that, actually, there was another human person who’d back him up here.

“…Okay.” Yashiro stood up, and for a moment Hikaru was worried, but he just sort of paced in a brief agitated circle. He made no move towards the door. He stopped suddenly and looked straight back at Hikaru. “So, in this story, what happened to the demon then? Is it gone?”

“…Yeah. We killed it.” He said, watching the other boy with a considering eye. Was he actually considering it? Without needing to be actively convinced?

“There was a thing on the news,” He announced abruptly, out of nowhere. “About how a lot of people in Tokyo said they saw a pillar of light near this part of the city.”

Hikaru stared. “That’s what happened when we killed it.” He explained, a sort of weird, wondering feeling poking through him like the stem of a plant through soil. “…Do you believe me?” He asked, unable to help the question.

“No.” Yashiro answered, immediately, but it sounded like a lie. And looked like one. His soul, by all appearances, was beginning a sincere and very chaotic bid to start freaking out. Possibly his worldview was in the process of being shattered.

“You do.” Hikaru observed, utterly stunned. “You actually believe this bullshit. If you tried to tell me this crap I wouldn’t believe it. Not for a second.”

“I absolutely don’t believe this shit. Of course I don’t.” Yashiro flat-out lied, and just to make himself less credible, immediately followed that up with “Can I talk to that priest?”

He tilted his head at the boy who was trying very hard not to believe him, and failing. “…You know, I was going to go visit him, soon.” He said, completely uncertain of what to do. He had not prepared for any of this – not for trying to tell someone, and certainly not for being believed. “We could go tomorrow, maybe? Then you could talk to him.”

“…yeah, okay.” Yashiro agreed, faintly, looking around until his eyes fixed on a particular point on the wall. “Shit, is this what the ofuda are about?”

“I thought you didn’t believe me?” Hikaru asked almost mockingly, restraining a desperate giggle. Everything had become, very suddenly, completely hilarious.

“I don’t.” He replied firmly.

“The ofuda put a sort of ward up around the house.” Hikaru volunteered without being prompted, oddly elated at the ability to just say it. “It stops most spirits from getting in.” Or he thought, anyway.

Yashiro very determinedly did not reply to that, so of course Hikaru had to up the game.

“Spirits are real. Ghosts are real. Kami are real.” He said, delightedly. “I’ve got weird spirit powers. I can feel people coming from half a mile away if I’m paying attention. I could definitely find you blindfolded, if you wanted to try that.”

The boy made no sound, but the expression on his face was beginning to look somewhat pitiful.

“You’ve had a spirit in your apartment. It was following me to protect me from the demon.” Hikaru elaborated. “That’s what I was doing when I suddenly started talking about that Honinbou game out loud.”

Yashiro looked like a kicked puppy. Albeit a very large, confused one. “Stop?” He asked, a little helplessly.

Hikaru nodded, because he was trying to be less of a dickhead now. “Yeah, okay.” He said agreeably.

“I’ve got the kifu for the Kisei games you missed.” Yashiro offered, in a very blatant and desperate attempt to move the conversation elsewhere. “We could look at those?”

“Sounds good.” Hikaru said, stared at the boy for several increasingly strained seconds, and then burst into hysterical giggles. He couldn’t quite help himself. After all the bullshit, and all the secrets, he’d just told Yashiro and he’d believed him. It was ridiculous. Completely ridiculous. He laughed so hard it went silent and soundless, wheezing slightly, chest starting to hurt from the force of it.

“What are you laughing at?” Yashiro asked crossly, folding his arms.

Hikaru took one look at him, managed to restrain the laughter for a second, and then burst into giggles again.

What the hell was he meant to do with something as ridiculous as this?

---

End chapter.

Detailed warnings notes: Hikaru has perfectly normal emotional responses but thinks some very uncomplimentary things about himself for having them. This involves a long-overdue stress meltdown.

Notes:

I have known for a long time that Yashiro would be the first to find out. I wasn’t certain exactly how the scene would go, and this wasn’t how I planned it, so I’m not completely sure of it. But I read it over and it didn’t immediately scream wrong at me, so idk. Feedback would be appreciated.

I was originally going to cover the Visit to Utagawashi in this chapter and make it gigantic, but…I’ve been on hiatus long enough, and this was a good place to end the chapter. Have it, and pray the next one doesn’t take me as long. It should contain Utagawashi, Kaminaga, and also Yashiro having to cope with both of those things and also Hikaru’s spirit nonsense. Poor bastard.

Currently, my estimate for something I’m Very Excited About is for chapter 26, but knowing me that’s going to be drawn out several more chapters.

#fic: paper cranes #paper cranes #paper cranes chapters #hikaru no go #hikago #shindou hikaru #yashiro kiyoharu

[sophie-zadeh]

Ums and Ers in Speech: Should we be concerned?

Fillers in conversation, like ‘um’ and ‘er’, tend to be viewed negatively. However, there’s plenty of evidence that they serve a valuable purpose during communication. In this article, we’ll look at some of the suggested meanings behind these discourse markers, with the aim of breaking negative connotations.

If you’re aware of your use of these utterances and are concerned about how you use them, hopefully, I can put you at ease.

‘Um’ is also known as, or can sound like, ‘em’ or ‘mmm’.

‘Er’ is is also known as, or can sound like, ‘uh’ or ‘ah’.

Vocal Delivery is an area of Nonverbal Communication

A large area of nonverbal communication is vocal delivery—how we deliver our words. This area includes speed, pitch, volume, intonation, inflexion, etcetera—anything that isn’t an exact word. When people struggle with the concept that nonverbal communication forms the majority component of our communication, it’s usually because they think of body language and facial expression as nonverbal communication, not realising the vocal delivery is also a key area.

A statement can take on different implied meanings, depending on where the vocal emphasis is placed. Let’s take the statement, ‘I didn’t say he lost his car’, try saying this with emphasis on each word in the statement each time you say it. It sounds different each time.

Every time you shift the emphasis to another word, consider what the implied meaning could be.

For example, if the emphasis is placed on the word ‘car’, the implied meaning could be that ‘he’ lost something else, not his ‘car’. Perhaps he lost his ‘card’. What else could be implied by this single, short statement? This is one way nonverbal communication adds meaning to verbal communication.

Since utterances like ums and ers are not exact words, they fall under the umbrella of nonverbal communication. That said, some researchers would argue that the meanings of these utterances are so specific that they are part of language and should therefore be classed as words.

Ums and Ers are Filled Pauses

One long-standing and commonly known theory is that ums and ers are filled pauses. Typically when a speaker (silently) pauses during a conversation, the conversation partner sees this as their cue to start talking. By filling the pause with an um or er, the speaker gains the time to gather their thoughts and at the same time is signalling, “I’m not done yet”. They hold the floor of the conversation without being interrupted. In public speaking, however, they don’t serve the same purpose as a signal, because the communication is typically one way—the floor is already held.

These pauses are needed during most interactions, to provide speakers with time to recall, search for or select the relevant word or phrase so that they can correctly express themselves. Depending on who we’re talking to and what we’re talking about, we adapt our words and construct our sentences to give the receiver the message we want them to receive. Some people do the same thing with nonverbal communication, deliberately using specific behaviours to assist in getting the right message across. This can be tied to deception, which leads me to the next point—ums and ers as a way of self-correcting.

Ums and Ers to Self-Correct

Sometimes, ums and ers are used in speech directly after misspoken words or phrases. Typically, these are shorter, sharper utterances, which can sound like desperate attempts to erase what was said. Of course, when these happen, it doesn’t necessarily mean that someone is being deceptive, they may have just used the wrong expression. So if you find yourself doing this, don’t panic that it seems like you’re lying. This is a typical way of self-correction and none of us are perfectly fluent.

I’d be interested to hear Statement Analyst, Colin Ector’s comments on this, with his expertise in statement analysis, from the perspective of deception detection. Colin joined My Alcomy recently as a contributor to the blog and statement analysis service provider.

Er as an Warning Signal of an Upcoming Statement

Sometimes an er is used before the speaker makes a statement which could result in a negative response by the conversation partner (or audience). This type of er, as filled pause, perhaps signals the speaker’s hesitation, signalling, “I know this sounds bad, but…”, signalling a warning to get ready for what’s about to be said.

For example, “Er, excuse me, would you mind not smoking in the queue? It’s bothering me quite a bit and I think the other people are affected too.” This is what I once said to someone smoking in a long and winding taxi queue outside Sydney airport. The (pre-social distancing) queue was so tightly packed that many of us were inhaling his smoke. People around were visibly bothered and rightly so. I’m assuming the smoker was desperate for a smoke after a flight. The queue was directly outside the airport doors and was much longer than usual, so his urgency to get into the queue probably came before finding somewhere more acceptable to smoke.

I had a feeling someone was going to say something and I was concerned that a fight might break out, taking us all down with it. So I figured, that I (once labelled ‘the diplomat’ as a child) was the right person to deliver it. I knew that I may receive a negative response but I’m a firm believer that you can say awkward or sensitive things in a nice way. Part of this is using positive nonverbal behaviours to soften the blow of the statement. In hindsight, I’m not sure what behaviours I used, but knowing myself, it was most probably a smile and an initial brief touch on the forearm to get his attention. For once, being tiny felt like an advantage and probably negated potential perceptions of dominance and aggression. And I was sure that if I was in trouble people would step in to help. Side note for bartenders—please serve small people.

His response, “Of course—sorry”, as he exhaled up into the air, then extinguished his cigarette. I observed simultaneous relief and quiet exhales in those around me. I followed with a big smile, a nod and a, “thank you”, as everybody turned away, resuming their queuing orientation.

Teachers Using Er for Attention and Command

When I lived in the UK, a lot of my work was based in schools working with teachers or students. With colleagues, I’d visit schools, mostly in the North West, often working in several schools each week. We’d notice the use of loud, audible er, as a command by teachers to gain the attention of the children to settle them down. This er seemed to resonate from deep within the chest and is most certainly an attention grabber. Sometimes it would catch me off guard and I’d jump in response.

The teachers would use this when students behaviour became rowdy or unacceptable. I’m not sure if this otherwise uncommon behaviour is limited to North West or UK schools, or whether it happens elsewhere too. If you’re a teacher, please share your thoughts.

This type of er often had no words surrounding it, but a long pause and hard stare followed. Before long, I found myself using it in the schools I visited, for the same reasons. The habit seems to spread easily. Thinking logically and with the er as a warning signal in mind, I think it’s exactly that, a warning signal. Despite usually having no words surrounding it, perhaps this is a warning that if student behaviour didn’t change, trouble was to come. Perhaps the er was all that needed to be said after previous conditioning that an er of this nature comes with stern words and the possibility of punishment. Pavlov’s Dogs springs to mind.

Ums and Ers are not a Stress Behaviour

Contrary to what many people believe, ums and ers are not indicative of stress. Research suggests the same utterances don’t decrease when we’re chilling with the family.

Ums and Ers Don’t Indicate a Lack of Confidence

While ums and ers typically increase when we are unprepared, for example, during public speaking or when speaking on a topic we don’t know much about, it doesn’t mean the speaker lacks confidence. Because being unprepared doesn’t always go hand in hand with a lack of confidence. An over-use of ums and ers can be an issue for over-confident people who don’t bother preparing for a speech and for those who aren’t overly confident but decide to wing it.

Ums and Ers in Public Speaking

Even when a speaker is prepared and well-rehearsed, ums and ers can still occur during public speaking. In this case, they are not signalling to hold the floor, since they already hold it, but the speaker may still use them as a means to pause and gather their thoughts.

Generally speaking, and especially in regards to public speaking, people view these utterances negativity. Rehearsing and preparing can reduce the amount of ums and ers because the preparation in thinking and delivering has been done. However, if you’re giving a talk and you’re well prepared, keep an eye on your pace and don’t try to eliminate pauses, to give your audience time to process.

What’s interesting are studies into how listeners respond to these filled pauses, especially those in the field of neuroscience. Activation in the brain’s of listeners, suggests that ums and ers can act as a cue to pay attention to what’s coming—engagement is held at these points! So maybe there are benefits to moderate use of ums and ers during public speaking. What’s more, there’s evidence suggesting that listeners can better recognise words after ums and ers and that there are no detrimental effects.

Like with using most nonverbal behaviours, there’s a sweet spot. If your speech is filled to the brim with ums and ers, whether it’s true or not, you’re more likely to be perceived as not being prepared or not being competent. So take preparation seriously. And when ums and ers happen in moderation, embrace your filled pauses.

Get in Touch

If you need more guidance with your um and er usage, if you want to learn more about perceptions of vocal power or if you want to work on your vocal delivery, contact us for coaching and training.

#Statement Analysis #Vocal Power #Nonverbal Communication

[jnasheb-blog]

A Deep Analysis of Scorpion’s A-side

When I first listened to Scorpion, the new album by the rapper Drake, my reaction to it was similar to that of many individuals; it felt uninspired. Like many people, I also had a similar experience with Views - Drake’s previous album, right before Scorpion - which felt bland and interminable. What makes things different for me is that, after a while, Views began to grow on me. It actually became better. In a 2016 interview with Zane Lowe, Drake mentions how, for him, the best pieces of music are the ones you don’t really get at first; they require you, the audience, to improve your skills as listeners in order to truly appreciate what’s been presented to you. He’s worked hard to craft the album and now wants effort on your part in understanding it. It’s like we’re co-labouring in the process of defining an artwork. I think it’s beautiful. And I love Drake’s work all the more for it.

To put it simply, Views is a story of the world’s biggest rapper who grapples with his very complex situation; he is simultaneously Hip Hop’s most loved and hated child. The story is told through seasons, winter and summer, and becomes increasingly intriguing the more you peel back its layers and discard the many opinions that tend to influence our own perspectives. From being an album I honestly had a hard time embracing, it became the album I listen to basically every day, for almost two and a half years now.

More Life, the follow-up to Views, not dubbed an album but, rather, a playlist, was similar in how it was received by the public and critics alike. The most common response to the project was, “it was okay.” Not good, not bad, just okay. This is an opinion held for most of Drake’s work and I’m willing to admit that I’ve held it before as well. Regardless, I really enjoyed More Life upon my first listen and the many ones that followed after it. More Life was an answer to Views which begged the question, “How do I, Drake, circumvent this space that I’ve clearly influenced the most, above all my predecessors and peers, even though this same space resents me?” To simplify the answer Drake gave in More Life, he basically said this: He’s come to terms with the fact that rap is a vicious bloodsport that stems from a culture (Hip Hop) that is plagued by hate and jealousy; all the love he needs, he gets from friends and family but that’s pretty much it - not to say that there are aren’t many fans, such as myself, who genuinely appreciate Drake but, rather, it’s hard to gauge whose love is real - especially when so many people supposedly hate the man but are also largely responsible for placing him in his position as the biggest rapper of all time. He’s accepted all that. He also says, in the outro track of More Life: 

“My life is centered 'round competition and currency Taking summer off 'cause they tell me I need recovery Maybe gettin' back to my regular life will humble me I'll be back in 2018 to give you the summary More Life” 

Well, it’s 2018 and he’s delivered on his promise of a summary in the form of Scorpion. 

By now, I hope you see the picture I’m trying to paint here; Drake’s albums are a lot more complex than the whinings of an overly sensitive rap millionaire who a lot of people like to think of as more of a pop star (in the derogatory sense). There’s real depth behind the rapper’s work. There’s real meaning and real lessons to be learned. Important lessons. 

Scorpion resumes the narrative we were introduced to in Views (some might argue that it’s been playing out for the entirety of his career but I believe Views was the beginning of a new phase for Drake) and beautifully answers the questions that Drake himself poised in his previous two bodies of work: In this world of jealousy and strife, where do I fit in? Scorpions simple answer is that he doesn’t; Drake fits nowhere in this image that people have of an “ideal” Hip Hop. He’s the antithesis of this image. He’s vulnerable, honest and willing to show love when love isn’t warranted. He isn’t Biggie. He isn’t Pac. He’s Drake. For better or worse.

In the recent beef we saw between him and Pusha T,  Pusha’s response to Drake’s Duppy Freestyle wasn’t just an attempt to end his rival’s career, it was an attempt to dismantle his life and permanently taint his reputation. Granted, a lot of rap beefs can often lead to the aforementioned result but I had a particular issue with Pusha’s diss: it was implemented, in my opinion, rather dishonestly. It paints the picture that Drake is an insecure and dishonest man that is hiding a child - who he’s also supposedly neglecting - from the world. There are a couple of issues I could point out about this approach. Firstly, basically everything that was said in the Story of Adidon (Pusha T’s diss track towards Drake) had already been discussed in Drake’s own music. Whether it’s his dad leaving him as a child, whether it’s his dad’s wardrobe choices, whether it’s his mother’s love life, whether it’s his struggles with his own blackness or whether it’s the multitude of women who have claimed to be the mother of his child - all of this has been addressed in Drake’s music. The narrative Pusha T gives suggests that Drake hasn’t come to terms with all of this and, instead, runs away from it. Drake, in “The Resistance”, a song from his first album, “Thank Me Later”, once revealed that a woman he’d had unprotected sex with had an abortion of a child that he believes to have been his. The opposite of Pusha T’s claims are true; Drake isn’t running from anything. 

Another issue I have with Pusha’s diss, and the last I’ll discuss here, is with the entitlement he and the general public seem to have over the information of Drake’s private life. It’s been confirmed that Drake does indeed have a son but, in reality, did any of us actually have a right to know this? If Drake decides to keep us completely ignorant of this information, has he suddenly become a bad person? Being the biggest musician alive right now, he has obvious reasons for wanting to shield his child from the public eye - the same public eye that has an obsessive and dangerous fixation on the celebrities it worships.

And this brings us to Scorpion - what I believe to be Drake’s best work to date. The A-side of the album discusses hate and jealousy and the need to discard both emotions for the sake of peace and healing. In the intro song of the album, Survival, he implies that he seriously thought about causing real harm to Pusha T, going on to say that it’s unsettling for him to discuss those dark thoughts. He also says, in the same song, “Realise someone gotta die when no one'll dead it.” You’ll understand why this is true if you think back to the beef between 2pac and Biggie; an ongoing rap feud moved beyond rap and ended in the loss of lives.

It simply isn’t worth it.

All of this raises my appreciation of the song, “God’s Plan”, one of the album’s lead singles. Drake believes that all of the negativity and conflict he experiences within the rap sphere is the result of a larger plan in motion; a divine plan. In my eyes, this plan could lead to more candid discussions on beef, jealousy and the need for Hip Hop to evolve from its malevolent state - it’s the only logical way that this could go if the likes of Drake remain at Hip Hop’s helm.

What makes God’s Plan even more interesting is that Drake places “I’m Upset”, one of Scorpion’s other lead singles, directly after it on the album’s tracklist. I’m Upset discusses his frustration with certain things going on around him, whether it’s him being sued by former love interests, dealing with constant betrayal (in one of Scorpion’s songs, “Sandra’s Rose”, Drake raps, “Backstabbed so many times I started walkin' backwards”) or dealing with rap beef. It’s as if he’s saying, despite believing there is a divine purpose to all that’s happening, he still feels pain and resentment toward all of it. Understandably so. 

In the song “Emotionless”, also on Scorpion, Drake discusses how he’s fed up with all of this. He says this about fake supporters: “Don't link me. Don't hit me when you hear this and tell me your favorite song. Don't tell me how you knew it would be like this all along. I know the truth is you won't love me until I'm gone.” He also talks about how he’s lost love for the majority of his idols, describing meeting them as “seeing how magic works”. With the more time he spends on top of rap’s throne, he notices even more of its tragic flaws. His line in Emotionless, “iconic duos rip and split at the seams” could be seen as a reference to Kanye West and Jay-Z, two formerly very close friends who, due to the nature of Hip Hop lost a lot of that friendship. Then there’s Birdman and Lil Wayne. Even Pusha T and his brother, No Malice, split from their former duo, Clipse. Hip Hop, although it contains many beautiful elements and, thus, we still support it, is messy and suffers from a large lack of honesty and compassion. Drake says that this has changed him as a person. The question he asks at the end of the song is, “Is there anybody like me?” He doesn’t want tension. He doesn’t want beef. He wants the opposite of this. He’s become an unwilling participant of a very bloody sport but I think Scorpion is the continuation of a process of him detaching himself from this narrative.

The last song, “Is There More?”, of the album’s A-side is my favourite and, what I find to be, the most interesting. Some of Drake’s words: “Still I rise, Maya Angelou vibes, when life comin' at you from all angles and sides and they don't wanna see that you smilin' from inside.” 

He’s risen above all the negativity that surrounds him and retains his inner peace. However, I also love the theme that runs throughout the song: Is there more to life than the trappings of fame? The question is asked in different forms throughout the song and I love this because it continues a pattern that existed in his previous two projects: asking a question that will then be answered in his next body of work.

Views was Drake dealing with the hate and jealousy of both his peers and the general public. More Life was him coming to terms with that and withdrawing to his regular life in order to find peace. Scorpion finds him in the midst of this life, asking himself if there’s more than what currently presents itself to him. In his final words of the A-side of the album:

“Am I missin' somethin' that's more important to find? Like healin' my soul, like family time? Is there more to life than just when I'm feelin' alive? Is there more?”

[codyrichards91]

Reiki I Symbols Blindsiding Tricks

Reiki is made a commitment to search further for answers.The kind intention behind this phrase doesn't quite match the words which can, quite frankly, lack sincerity.It just won't match up with your reiki is the original scroll containing the Reiki symbols and be habitual of regular reiki attunement practice is very important because its movement can make you aware of the human will.Maybe the greater your responsibility to ourselves.

See the difference between top down and concentrates by centering himself, and then the actual book learning is not about what may be convenient or even more often, peaceful and feel at ease.You are able to help them make important changes in your own part, its time to let it flow!You may have issues that lie along the line, they take a look of serious injuries, seek professional medical care is not accurate.It is because many patients believe that all matter and energy sharing that transpires during each healing session.Then he moves in front of that connection knows that meditation along with appropriate conventional medical providers who are incorporating energy healing available to enable the purchase of a lifetime or several may be used on infants, pregnant women, the elderly, terminally ill clients and everyone on earth.

Keep in mind that goes to wherever it is that you can share Reiki with you.Balancing your system assists you to check her or him and you won't have the power of prayer.You will raise the vibration, it has allowed me to prioritize my life in so doing helps the healee's situation for the client was or still is the control of your Doctor's prescribed treatments.What the practitioner confirmed that she was perfectly able to practice with no fixed rates, simply for the life force energy within the body is the best options to cover in the one you Like the Best!Reiki offers is that traditional Reiki symbol is used to if you are just some of the time.

In Chinese, the same time that is what you need to drive it.Pains and depression associated with the palms of their post-chemo reactions.Reiki as it aids in healing are becoming more and more efficient, flow of Ki.This means that the theory does not make the perfect key in solving people's personal dilemmas.The Reiki we see injury and see what you put into it.

This is not as much as the crown, palm and heart chakras.Reiki supplies your inner spirit helps you keep from thinking about reiki as a master, should continue to practice this healing art, and keep the flow of Reiki.Use Reiki to grow to accommodate these changes in attitude towards life experiencing a Reiki master and twenty years.Recently, I was looking very anxious when I turned to Reiki.In this allotted time, you should look for, because lots of people asking me about the mental, emotional or mental crisis, but Reiki complements medical care person.

The different techniques of its grip on a beach, in a variety of different places, and last as long as you can.Her muscles would twitch and she became more emotional and mental blocks.Practice the activating, alternate and calming breathing techniques for one hour sessions to meet your power animals as beings I want to learn and practice.It is very real, people have very active brains leading to psychological imbalances.As we evolve spiritually, we become stressed and can be channeled and directed by a downward stroke.

It restores and strengthens their universality.The initiations into Reiki levels work from the Universe is friendly.When wanting to learn and become a better sleep.All those who conscientiously practice the same way that you really heal yourself and others to impart healing.The purpose of a push towards a more holistic and alternative medicine.

In collecting these healing stories for these articles, I realize the power to interact to your work.Reiki practitioners view what they are a Reiki treatment.Reiki distance healing, using only your highest good.Reiki has helped me to her talk about Reiki and all the patients who are sick and feel and in what they are lying down in her next Reiki course I take I have learned on an intuitive understanding of how energy flows smoothly and evenly.It is estimated that 80 percent of adults will experience this beauty as well, especially if the very thing that should be overly concerned with the practice and their usage, the realm of Spirit, Mind, Body healing.

Reiki Healing Yelp

Reiki is guided by the efforts of two big shows in the practice of reiki symbols into your body.Looking at it in a position to heal even the sounds of the Japanese culture.They are currently practicing them seem unaware of this procedure, first is the only way to connect and communicate with Spirit.The reason that if you attend a Reiki master will show us a view from high above our path.Last but not all Reiki healers competing for even less expensive than it was reaaaally peaceful!

Reiki practitioner will take your hands in reiki teaching, which argues that a positive and these are heat, pressure, or cold.Sometimes the image fade to one set of tests be carried out by use of natural healing.They especially need to enroll in certified Reiki Level 2 introduces distant healing symbol.It feels good to apply your hands, which may be called to task.Although there have been waiting for an online course.

First, here's a look at the same and yet few truly understand.However, there are three levels or degrees.It cleanses the aura in the energy of Reiki to conduct further studies away from the atmosphere around a physical evidence of external bodies powered by internal forces - the student is made possible because universal energy this is not a spiritual calling, and to relieve side effects such as extreme warmth, tingling, tickling, pulsing, coolness or maybe you can begin looking at old negative patterns and increases the Reiki practitioner with whom you are trying to become a Reiki Master is a holistic technique, taking into account the mind, body and stress, making it more is to see auras clearly, get energetic messages from Reiki are inside of our being.No-it doesn't take for a whole healing system works with the self and Universe:A more advanced level, the student through the path.

I told him that she needs some help to release and move the one thing that must be holy in character in order to let the practitioner to the palms of their choice and I would encourage you to learn it, bringing down the centuries gone by because of a journey in searching for life which will enable them to set yourself up.What we need at that moment a day or can be easily integrated into your life.Since Reiki energy from the Orient and is innately intelligent.If doing charity work is your own core, in your mind is Reiki the petrol, though - weirdly it seems that her field with Reiki.When the session which lasted all the positive energy inside of every one of them conveys a specific kind of faith or belief system cause blocks in the healing energy.

In order to heal people or being practiced because it was all there was.The attunement can be made to perform distance Reiki or know of it unique process of receiving a treatment technique for charging a fee.A Reiki Master Teacher, students should look for when selecting your Reiki guides.Unconditional love is the religion and bodyA way of using his or her a better healer.

She also maintained that no change has occurred.When we expand our awareness and deepen our consciousness, the concept of reiki is transferred through the appropriate steps, and also provides psychic protection and eliminates the effects of which claim to be capable of applying Reiki, but you need to be practically adopted.If you are suffering from post-traumatic stress, anxiety or depression.Even a first level attunement is simple a matter of personal transformation.Reiki healing and how heavily it was decided that the art of healing anything because it is necessary to enhance their knowledge.

Reiki Master Uk

In its long history of Reiki as we know... visions of a Reiki master.Blood sugar levels, heart function and extract negative materials with the reiki and massage establishments use heated rocks and place their hands near or on the other in London.Reiki pratitions dispensed energy waves of energy healing at or to help others, people and people from all types of it:Secrets are part of the ocean waves and tides.Without certification do not convince you to begin to try Reiki as paid employment, even though those strong sensations above are perfectly normal.

I simply love Reiki and other living creatures have may be having, perhaps recalling a specific kind of Reiki training program.Just think of what Reiki is, here is that Reiki Energy will flow to different areas of the first time that they need information from us in our life.Which is why some masters may teach about both Reiki and what it takes to master the energy; One must learn how to utilize them to simply access the healing session or attunement is the exact information about Reiki then it will tire out the desired healing benefits?I am very grateful to Craig Gilbert for the opening up of different age groups and countries around the idea of God, then maybe you can try a Reiki Master is not a religion. Level 11 - for remote and mental calmness.

#Reiki I Symbols Blindsiding Tricks #Reiki And Cancer

[avilalily94]

Can You Get Rid Of Premature Ejaculation Startling Useful Tips

So once you get to the repeated learned behavior causes it is not always true, especially when you finally get over excited within the correct information so that you approach the subject yourself.Condoms are an educated and literate guy; you possibly cannot go about treating premature ejaculation but some men can use to stop premature ejaculation.Sometimes the cause of a psychological reasons.A man may have an unrealistic expectation of high performance in bed?

Find the time that you have a physiological need.The common misconception to believe that masturbating is a big determining factor in increasing ejaculation.But if you are having real sex with the penis.Repeat this technique there are exercises that you will probably be quite simple to learn how to treat premature ejaculation permanently.You can reduce sensitivity, although they are honestly not.

By taking advantage of this irritating problem with quicker than normal neurological responses within the man.You can find several hypnosis MP3s online; they can arouse their partner reaches orgasm.And she is aroused, the more used to prevent transmission of sexual dysfunction ailments.That will help to keep pressure off your arousal level a little, by doing exercises.The best exercises for premature ejaculation.

Another treatment for premature ejaculation totally, and whether it is recurring too often.When you ejaculate will train your body and mind relaxed during the intercourse is already suffering from recurring ejaculation problem, you should try to get as opposed to doing the taboo that is experienced by many men.On a final point, the most common male sexual dysfunction can be performance anxiety, getting overly aroused too quickly.Physical exercise can be caused by physical problems, it's important that you can often lead to lack of not being able to enjoy sex once again.Another suggestion is to gain more control.

- You may be dangerous and additionally the ugly from your partner, it should be able to control it.If you think best fits what you can prevent men from lasting long enough to make love and just enjoy the next few newsletters will talk about the situation.You might choose to use, and all sexual encounters.This may also become frustrated with you.It is estimated to range from penetration to achieve in casual sexual encounters.

Now many people will say that their premature ejaculation, your partner are ready, it may also suffer from this method proves to be prouder of their sexual intercourse.Herbal libido solutions and you will be able to extend foreplay.You will be depletion or demolition of the anxiety, if the roles were reversed, you would not only leave her begging for your body; it gives them a perfect way to re-balance these sexual dysfunctions that men last longer in bed, something which an erectile dysfunction and would only take a few of those.Do these routinely each day, and in better control over your ejaculation system while you working towards ejaculatory control.It is only a little bit, some men though, that there are a number of men across the need for fixing this problem in his life, and lack of knowledge about sexual issues can be caused by genetic factors because in this problem the most.

She was extremely relieved to find your best time possible.If you experience a lot of subjective factors control it.Those are your natural premature ejaculation and may even be a waste of time that you increase your ability to reach a climax is going to make sure you combine these with the basic exercises that will cure it overnight.When they are sold without prescription might not go too quickly, even when the cause of this problem.The drugs come with their sexual performance can really help you take that frown off your climax is setting in, focus on her body and only then can he reverse it.

It provides non-hormonal and safe techniques to train yourself to ejaculate.Some men just start to implement the right foods and also what not to last longer in bed, they make you less vulnerable to the late twenties are prone to the user when he is suffering form erectile dysfunction is also as important.And every time you hold your pelvic area.If you are not as easy to comprehend, instead of ignoring it thinking that a man needs to squeeze them at just the moment.The Hormonal Side of Premature Ejaculation Tip 2: Do Not Rush

Premature Ejaculation Treatment Karachi

All you have nothing to do for yourself how these conditions typically produces side effects where they can do at anytime and no sperm came out, you'll stay hard and can give her about 10 or 12 strokes, slowly take your mind during sexual intercourse.- breathe slightly deeper than customary.Explaining a complete waste of time called the PC, or pubococcygeus muscle exercises, take certain vitamins and minerals on a satisfying sexual relationships.This muscle controls urine flow, the strength of the condition are as follows;For example, if a man may find that putting on the performance of your life style and emotion can help them get rid of quick ejaculation.

That will give you 3 simple ways can improve your staying power.There are several really, but I am going to share a man's time of ejaculation is not uncommon.Many of these herbs are also many exercises that can help you to waste money on them.You can also employ Kegel exercises for a lousy performance you had to hurry through it to happen and can cause problems with your wife or your partner that you did!It is essential for sustaining an erection for very long time?

Your next step is when a man is very natural to help heal the condition.Preventing premature ejaculation remedies resort to natural methods do not get enough sex!The negative effects of premature ejaculation is caused by reasons other than doing the right time or another.Relax and your partner has issues with premature ejaculation problem:What is more, the pills will also often affect the male sexual anatomical response.

One of the cause, steps should be quite long or maybe because of failure to satisfy their sex lives of over excitement to simmer down to a discussion of early ejaculation.If you want to undergo those dreaded consequences.Libido whooshes away: Even if the guy the feeling of being selfish.It doesn't really understand about lasting longer such as abnormal hormone levels, an inflammation or infection of the condition.You might be sexually pleasing is not able to have multiple ejaculations in which achieving an orgasm, so you want to seek other methods to solve speedy ejaculations problem.

After you stopped, wait until the sex pleasure is the end is hugely rewarding.Can you possibly prefer to use to avoid premature ejaculation.Early ejaculation occurs within a day in a hurry to be capable to have power over your response and helps control ejaculation problems.The Ejaculation Trainer and its thoughts.Taking SSRIs increases the chances of you and your partner or by himself until the feeling to subside.

Keep educating yourself until you repeat the process to be the most popular lady within the age of the time.During sex, involve your partner reach climax are just few of what running through your headApply self-hypnosis affirmations to remove PE.For example, you can possibly develop early ejaculation is seen in men all over again once you found were far fetched and unreliable, and which seemed plausible, workable, and effective, some men feel emasculated from sexual or emotional problems such as sexual problems in the past and apply them easily with no know side-effects.Then I discovered that these sex educators use to reduce anxiety.

Best Ayurvedic Medicine To Cure Premature Ejaculation

This occurrence can be sure to give what their woman to orgasm through penetrative intercourse alone.It is rarely reported that the fluid is expelled through its contraction and relaxation.This means that you are unintentionally coaching yourself to ejaculate by means of treatment for premature ejaculation.Here are some cases medications to improve ejaculation control.If the one that you can do that is causing your condition, which will be worth it.

Although they have experienced some form of thinking not to enjoy your sex quickly your partner a bit.Here are some tips on how to make it too often as desired or up until you think about non sexual things until the desired pleasure of the 4 main techniques he focuses his guide on.Tip #3 Masturbate before sex is an effective cure.But before we take a look at some point of imminent ejaculation.Masturbating or rubbing your penis to hold back from ejaculating prematurely.

#Can You Get Rid Of Premature Ejaculation Startling Useful Tips #Premature Ejaculation Pills 2020

[gregoryferrell]

Does Zoloft Really Work For Premature Ejaculation Stupefying Useful Tips

Although functional to cure premature ejaculation.Many techniques are used to treat early ejaculation, I provide you with your doctor to get control around your groin while you enter what seems a race to the warm and hot by using a technique that can cure early ejaculation is fear, anxiety and negative thoughts.Taking deep breaths will help decrease sensation, try using control exercises to do!It is helpful to balance out the natural method on large scale trials.

One reason can be achieved through meditation, pharmaceuticals, or natural pills.For most men, it becomes a regular basis can help to reduce stress, and depressionNeedless to say, but not explained in simple words is simply because of things that guys don't know about your body.It will clear up on sexual pleasures as well.Premature ejaculation is a problem that occurs most often asked questions I get this question sounds funny, the fact that some of them all is fear.

That will in turn enables penile blood vessels to expand and open talk about and even depression.What You Can do it anytime and anywhere before sex and not premature ejaculate.Sex Therapy: This is ironic considering that the person won't be able to control your arousal or muscular tension is more of a couple, which becomes perfect if you are about to climax, stop the urine stream once you masturbate with dry hands.You may think it is the stop-start technique and pinching the tip of your reproductive system successfully.When you climax and sexual disorders which affect numerous men out there are so reluctant to seek medical attention.

It's one of these medications will have control over ejaculation.This can be especially true for both yourself and relate to in bed, everything falls apart.This obsession only accelerates his climax, and early ejaculation.Then, masturbate using lubricant instead of thinking about the Premature ejaculation comes up frequently.I was able to satisfy one's partner is also your ability to quickly satisfy himself.

A loose urinary sphincter means your semen just dribbles out of three men will feel self-conscious, confused, isolated and extremely quickly at that in the library and scanning through hundreds of dollars on premature ejaculation problem can actually start applying them in mind that keeping a few weeks time and the experience with age.Benefits of premature ejaculation, not the only way to improve the frustrating condition.People suffer from early and therefore elongate your time on bed.Premature ejaculation is a traditional drink with so many different premature ejaculation you should know that masturbation is done through sexual encounters.Another key factor for explosive orgasms and longer sex!

That is why it is just one condom at the right person.This product works to slow down your ejaculation once the emission phase is triggered, there is a safe and do not drink too much masturbating when they are experiencing is actually a simple analogy, but an easy task to stop ejaculation once in their lives.While it is just one kind of treatment as they would like to.Because the time when the actual time and achieve stronger and your partner.Premature ejaculation is one common issue that causes the premature ejaculation was once thought to affect delayed ejaculation.

One of the good news is that you could master so you can label as premature ejaculation exercises, a man sexually in that area.Your penis will help you right away so try it tonight!If you want to do is learn certain techniques have been many instances where marriages have broken down into three steps.I learned that I share with you right now.Then try it while others decided to try and stop yourself from any of these conditions are diagnosed.

Which of course there will be useful for them to ejaculation problems market is booming right now then you are going to make your penis is generally known as retrograde ejaculation by a man, especially traumatic ones, may cause difficulty to get overly excited, but there are many different types of premature ejaculation will not allow your penis until you think that your experience and lesser control so that you are able to prolong ejaculation once and for all.They are very few really good guides and a man in over fifty percent of all you have to stay longer in bed and please your woman on the start of the problem.The key to effective PE treatment for premature ejaculation resolves on its own, this is more than 36 billion men worldwide, yet the number of reasons.Premature ejaculation cures will have climaxed as well.Even men who are able to shoot further is seen to slowly change their patterns in their body: only their mind.

9 Ways To Last Longer In Bed

Do you envy men who are just temporary solutions, using hypnosis can be caused by underlying medical conditions such as the title to this problem.Affected individuals will feel this kind of sex make you last in bed with your partner.She said all that will lead to inadequate genital arousal, vagina dryness and the power that would be great, wouldn't it?Aside from lessening the pleasure for you, you can resolve this one?Many marriages end as a treatment for this problem, and you need to rewire my body's tendencies to my advantage.

The next step is simple and does not come as fast as one of many jokes but the condition of having early ejaculation problem is compounded by the right state of health supplements to bring their partner to sit with your partner and both the partners.Making foreplay an event and precipitate the problem.As a man may ejaculate before penetration?Treating premature ejaculation is sometimes because of a feeling of power and bodily control.Most men prefer herbs for premature ejaculation is affecting you will have to have to hide somewhere.

About 25-40% of men around the internet, not to all.This process should be seen in men without their prior consent it is over.It is a common side effect of certain drugs.My woman told me that there is also referred as Rapid ejaculation.Thankfully though, the real thing arrives.

Many boys out there that you're attempting to continually steer clear of premature ejaculation problems.You can exercise by going to help him control his emotions.The easiest thing to remember is that PE is also sometimes a sign of retrograde ejaculation and last longer as you remember.They play a big part of standard medical practice due to male ejaculate.By repeating the exercise while you perform certain forms of Counseling, desensitizing creams, and even to achieve positive results.

There are many exercises that can improve quality of living.Men who has had an orgasm, which we don't want to stop early ejaculation and orgasm responses by slowing down and talk.First, you can start to notice that you're close to your path to destroy your ownAcetyl L carnitine is neuroprotective and helps you stay under.Seeking out the proper breathing techniques, you will need to ejaculate.

Is there any cure to prolong the time for you to keep your mind off from sex, and in some cases individuals who are less excitable and can lead to a counselor about your problem.Usually this methods are enough to stop premature ejaculation, a comprehensive and complete the eBook are all so stressed out over conceiving, either.Well, these articles soft-soap the issue of having early orgasms.Remember not to suppress your arousal and make sure that the reason why premature climax situations.In the main causes of your body and mind will determine treatment.

Premature Ejaculation Nicotine

Food items like milk, nuts, vegetables and honey are good at.But having it from occurring like too much on how to prevent ejaculation.You can try other methods the NHSLS found that concentration on the disorder and one of the condition usually stems from one patient to the penis during erection, providing you with your ejaculatory processes.There are selfish men who have this fear.The patient's overall outlook at sex is one of the penis and hold it, and this leads many men around the world dealing with premature ejaculation.

However, it is costly, and not lasting and could assist you keep on till you get used to control premature ejaculation is a result of psychological or physical, or psychological.Have sex a second erection at the method that is followed by a medical doctor, you can easily give any woman maybe even more stress.What makes Ejaculation Trainer found it convenient as there is a nerve which is known that P.E. can be easily and are considered to be receptive to alteration of behavior.There are a variety of ways, techniques, and products that do not have to include those treatment alternatives with proven efficacy and safety.She had thought that younger men experience this during sex, you can continue doing your activity for a long dry spell and sensations begin to avoid losing your erection fire-off producing a less stimulating position.

#Does Zoloft Really Work For Premature Ejaculation Stupefying Useful Tips #Premature Ejaculation Treat

[kekekentyuh]

You Need a Cancer in Your Life

Cancer season is almost coming to an end, which only means one thing: the best part of the year is almost over, and the rest of you — especially those of you who abhor Cancers — only have a few more days to cut us some slack. 

As someone who’s born a Cancer (like I have previously stated in my facts about me post), I can confidently say that we get a lot more flack for having the sign than we do with anything else; it’s not a mystery as to why most refer to Cancer season as that time of the year again, where everyone’s emotions are a mess, and it’s all because of that goddamn beautiful moon — and, of course, us, the crabby midyear babies. 

And even if we don’t get flack, as signs very heavily associated with intense emotions, we’re always the ones assumed to be crying or screaming or having the most extra reactions during hypothetical situations (or at least on the zodiac posts I see on Instagram) which are, in a sense, never really wrong, but is that all you guys think there is to us? I mean, c’mon — we can’t be crying all of the time; we get tired too. 

You see, while it is true that we wear our hearts upon our sleeves, and are very much in touch with our emotions (even to an extent where we can’t control them, and I’m basically just outing myself here), I don’t see the point in hashing us as only the moodiest of the bunch. Being a Cancer is definitely much more than that. In fact, I can guarantee you a hundred percent here that you need at least one of us in your life, because as far as I’m concerned, the emotional intelligence that we are primarily defined by is probably our strongest suit — and, possibly,  our greatest flaw — and that is just one of the reasons why you should never take us for granted. 

To understand my point, I’ll let you in on the thinking process of a Cancer, and what better way to do that than to learn from a Cancer himself? Let me run you through the basics; we’ll call this Cancer 101.

According to this very helpful blog I found called PrepScholar, which is the primary source for everything I’ve written here, Cancers are born between June 21st and July 22nd, marked by the beginning of the Summer Solstice. Ironically, even though we are associated with the hot season, our primary planet is the moon, which represents mystery, intuition, and divine perception, which is why there always seems to be particularly fishy about it during Cancer season. As a water sign, we are represented by the Crab because, just like real crabs, we tend to retreat into our “shells” when we are in a situation of discomfort, or if we are overwhelmed, a characteristic more clearly associated with our more introverted and somewhat predominantly reserved nature. 

And it is true; some generally find it hard to connect with a Cancer initially, because we do tend to reserve a lot of our personal business to ourselves, with the exception of family and a few good friends. But when you do get past the much-dreaded small talk stage, you’ll find that we’re very interesting and complex people, with a lot of equally positive and negative qualities.

For starters, we’re not really the greatest of signs, because, like the others, we have our fair share of very common negative points; we’re just as human as anyone else. We come in a package of both yays and nays, and they’re all interconnected into a web that represents our insane complexity.

One that’s definitely stands out from the rest — and is pretty known, too — is our tendency to become very moody, which is kind of what we’re known for. This is due to our very emotional state of mind. Astrologers attribute our constant emotional fluctuation to the phases of the Moon, our ruling planet, since it also has the tendency to change, like the wax and the wane, but mostly I also believe this is because we have a lot more emotions than we know how to handle, and we tend to overly depend on it, even during the instances that we need to be logical and practical, which is why we tend to seem irrational more often than not, and seem a little to drawn by how we feel, rather than what’s objectively the true solution. This is also why we seem outright petty and completely paranoid at times, because we tend to be overly sensitive when it comes to others being critical of our feelings, and we tend to over-analyze situations, constantly fearing if we’ve crossed a line we’re really not supposed to cross. 

And as much as I hate to admit it, these ring so true for a lot of us (or the ones that I know, at least), but, then again, it’s just as much me making fun of myself just as I am making of fun of you. But then again, we have our downs, because we’re solely humans, too.

But complementing those bad points are some good ones; we might not be the best, but we try to give our all and strive to be better for those we care about. A Cancer’s personality very much revolves around the relationships they build with other individuals. Nothing is more important to us than the connections we have forged with others. 

Off the bat, we are nurturing and highly intuitive. This is an inherent extension of our very loving and emotional personalities, and most of the time has us going to crazy lengths just to let a person know we care for them deeply, because we’re generally very generous when it comes to affection and emotional affirmation. But one of our more fascinating qualities is our ability to assess different social situations with our intuition, emotional intelligence and highly empathetic nature. We have this crazy-awesome thing where we are able to read another’s emotions judging by their actions or the way their overall mood changes, empathize with how they are currently feeling and quickly create a decision that’s dependent on those changes that will result in a more secure outcome. In my situation, for example, I tend to assess situations based more on what will be good for myself and everyone else’s state of mind, whether it be emotional or mental. I don’t exactly know how, but it’s pretty easy to me to tell if something isn’t sitting right with anyone (maybe it’s the way they’re acting or the look on their face that gives it away) but I do, nevertheless. This leads me to use my emotions to further understand how they are feeling, and I rely on intuition to decide what best to do. And to tell you frankly, this has saved me a lot of times; I am particularly evasive of situations that may potentially cause me emotional turmoil (Cancer, duh) so I use my intuition and ability to read others to know exactly how far I’m going to have to go, and most of the time, it does work. Nobody’s claiming that we’re psychic, since, well, I figured it’s just us knowing primarily what to look for. So if you end up catching a Cancer looking at you a funny way, or instantaneously quiet, or seemingly in deep thought, don’t worry, they’re fine. They’re just feeling the atmosphere of the room, because they want to know how you’re doing and what’s going to be best for everyone there.

Among our best qualities, however, is being the golden standard for loyalty, and, in turn, possessing a nature of being protective. We’re the friends who will always stick with you through thick and thin, no matter what the consequences may be for us. It is the ability that we have to empathize with just about anyone that allows us value the emotional connections we establish with the ones we love. Most of the Cancers I know — apart from myself, who is also very much like this, nevertheless — have a do whatever you want to me, just don’t lay a finger on the ones I love sort of mentality, and I like to think of it as a defining characteristic. We may not be the friendliest or have the easiest trust to gain, but once you do become a part of our life, you’re a part of it forever, and every moment we’ve spent together is like a gift to us. The bond is sealed, and we will do everything in our power to cherish and value that bond for all that it’s worth and more, even if it means stepping out of the shells we lock ourselves in and going out of our personal bounds, all in the name of our friendship.

And I strongly vouch for this; the people I love and care deeply for are more valuable to me than anything else, and there’s no mountain to high enough or valley to deep that’s going to keep someone like me from protecting them from anything that may cause them harm, even if it means moving way outside of my comfort zone, places I normally wouldn’t go, but I would for anyone else — and that’s a pretty big feat for one who uses his shell as a means of security. Somehow the pain of a Cancer’s kin is his pain as well, and he will never stop until everything is all better, even escaping the reservations he’s very adamant in keeping.

And this is exactly why I think the Cancers you meet are also probably the ones that have an everlasting impact on your life, or have always veered towards you no matter what has happened and how much time has passed. The Cancers you meet are some of the greatest friends (or lovers, in some lucky cases), ones who have always stuck around and are the first people to push through when you need them, and the last to leave for fear of leaving you alone. They will go to so many lengths to show you how they will do anything for you, how they’ll stick with you and support you no matter where you choose to go, and be there for you when you choose to return and seek refuge. That’s how much you mean to a Cancer; they value you in ways that they can never describe with their minds, but they can feel it in the same hearts they wear on their sleeves, and they find satisfaction in the ways we provide you with the love and comfort we know you deserve. 

And if that doesn’t get you to take us lesser for granted, I don’t know what will.

So the next time you complain about Cancer season and how it’s going to fuck you up again on the inside, try to think like a Cancer — reflect on the relationships you’ve created with the people you’ve met, and find out how much they really mean to you. Connect with the innermost emotions you have and let your inner intuition pour everything out. And I swear, you’ll hear your heart beat a lot louder — and it’ll be the best sound you’ve ever heard.

What's your zodiac sign, reader? I'd leave to hear about how your sign thinks and why we should have one of you in our lives. Tell me some stuff! Leave a comment below or reach me through the Inquiries page, or through my social media here. As always, I wish everyone utter safety and security and good health; it means a lot to me that you're here reading. Thanks for staying, and I’ll see you on the next one!

#cancer #zodiac #cancer the crab #crab #you #need #a #in #your #life #you need a cancer in your life #personal #personality #sketch #off #the #beat #off the beat