#which mirrors what happened in real life as efforts to kill both cas and their love failed multiple times | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

lulu-zodiac · 3 years

Text

Title: Twelve Phases of the Moon

Pairing: Castiel/Dean Winchester

Tags: Purgatory Destiel, Pining

Summary: The quiet of purgatory makes it too easy to hear Dean.

If you want to be added to my fic tag list, let me know! <3.

Purgatory is quiet.

Not the iridescent, awed quiet of heaven. Not even the quiet of earth that is never really quiet, but which Castiel has learned to love. Soft, stolen moments of golden summer sun slanting through the windshield of the impala; exhausted, unspoken conversations at 2am in harshly lit roadside diners; the repetitive hush of Sam and Dean’s breathing in dark motel rooms. Purgatory is quiet like a crypt. Rigid, dark, endless. It’s quiet in the same way a dead body is completely still. There is that same sense of wrongness to the silence that swathes everything here. Castiel has never felt more aware of his own heartbeat, how much it aches.

The quiet makes it too easy to hear Dean.

Castiel can’t decide if this is a blessing or a curse. Perhaps both. He has always heard the prayers directed to him, of course. But on heaven and earth, they’re hazy, faraway, easy to tune out if he tries. Here is different. Through the stillness, Dean’s prayers feel closer, disarmingly intimate. As though Dean is whispering right into the shell of his ear.

At first, it had been unbearable. Dean, wandering the endless space, shouting himself hoarse on Castiel’s name. His prayers had been abrupt, frequent, often aborted midway through. Full of the kind of rage that was a split second away from tears, his voice breaking on the single syllable of please. Sometimes that’s all a prayer would be; just Castiel, and please. Castiel had almost gone to him then. It was more than he could bear, the endless torment of Dean’s voice, slowly tearing itself to pieces in the quiet. Please, Cas. He pictured Dean stumbling around in the snarled branches and colourless fog, shouting blindly with nothing to kill, nothing to be angry at. It hurt Castiel so much it felt like physical pain, like Dean was punching him over and over again with his despair.

The only thing worse than listening to Dean slowly fall apart was knowing what would happen to him if Castiel went to him. How the Leviathans that were already so close on Castiel’s trail would tear him apart. Castiel tried not to think about how Dean might not care, anymore. That he might welcome an end to the abyss.

Time was meaningless in purgatory; it was never fully light, and dark was unpredictable, often for what felt like days. The only way Castiel had learnt to mark the passing of time was by looking up at the sky. It was choked in murky black, but he could just make out the lunar eye of the moon, miniscule ancient constellations glimmering in hope, or mockery. They were so very small, from all the way down here, but Castiel could still see them, and he held onto that. Like Dean’s prayers, sometimes he was comforted by them, other times tormented.

Three phases of the moon had passed before Dean stopped shouting Castiel’s name desperately into the unresponsive quiet.

Castiel had always assumed Dean would eventually go quiet like everything else in the quagmire of purgatory. The prospect was somehow even worse than hearing Dean’s fear, his loss. Stillness and silence were never things Castiel had associated with Dean; whenever Castiel thought of him, he pictured the shape of Dean’s mouth as he shouted “run!”, the way he drummed his fingers impatiently on the impala’s steering wheel when they were stopped at a light, how he could only fall asleep to thrashing heavy metal music or the sound of his brother snoring. Castiel dreaded the anguished prayers, but he dreaded the inevitable quiet even more; at least when he was shouting and hurting and fighting, Dean was not giving up a part of who he was.

But silence from Dean never happened.

After a few more phases of the far-distant moon, the desperate, frantic anger faded into something different. Dean started speaking slowly, as though it was an effort just to work the words from his mouth into the ether, defeated by the inevitability of the silence that would meet them. Castiel found himself almost missing the raw agony of Dean’s earlier prayers, the fluid fear and fury of them. This was stillness, if not silence. Dean’s acceptance of his isolation, of the quiet Castiel was condemning him to. He no longer said please. He just said Castiel’s name instead, as though two words were too much energy. Castiel, like it was all there was left. Cas, heavy and pleading, but with no hope. It was the way dying people said help, when they already knew their fate was sealed.

It took everything Castiel had not to go to him. But the Leviathan were still close behind him, and he knew it was impossible.

Slowly, Dean’s prayers evolved. There became a numbed quality to them, as though Dean was no longer sure if it was him saying them. They grew more unpredictable; sometimes full of anger or grief, sometimes strangely empty. Gradually, they lost their disjointed quality, often becoming longer, more contemplative. Sometimes, Dean would reflect on moments from the last few years, or even further back, from when he was growing up. These prayers were startlingly vulnerable, at times. As though Dean, lost in isolation, was using them to invite Castiel into his innermost thoughts just so he wouldn’t have to be alone.

Castiel learnt about how the dark of purgatory reminded Dean of looking after Sam when they were kids, the times they ran out of electricity and had to wait in the dark for days until their Dad got home; how time had blurred into meaninglessness just as it did here. Dean told Castiel about how afraid he’d been when he’d crawled out of hell, how he he’d stared at Castiel’s handprint every night in the mirror until it became part of him. One night, fiercely, he said, Everyone leaves me. But you always come back.

Castiel had found that the hardest to bear of all. Half beside himself, he’d almost gone to Dean that night, to prove that Dean could have faith in something. But he didn’t, because if Dean was killed, there’d be no point in believing in anything.

Dean still kept praying, prayers that made things bloom Castiel’s chest he didn’t think could exist in purgatory. I should have told you, Cas, one day through thick murky mist. We’re going to make it out of here, I promise, whispered in Castiel’s ear, over and over again, as though saying it often enough would make it true. One night, barely audible; I love you.

Sometimes, Castiel wonders if he’ll ever hear Dean’s voice out loud again. If these one-way prayers will be the last communication between them. He tries to hold onto Dean’s dogged determination, the promises he makes without even being sure Castiel will hear. The Leviathan are closer than ever now, and Castiel doesn’t want Dean’s last memory of him to be silence. He longs to sit in the same room as Dean again, hear the things Dean has confessed in his prayers out loud, be able to watch what expressions play through the complex green of his eyes. Reach out, touch his skin, the warmth of it.

It’s so cold here. Tonight, Castiel can see the moon; he’s been watching it for almost a year now. Twelve phases of the unblinking lunar eye. Castiel stands at the edge of a crepuscular clearing, staring upwards in reverent silence. He’s hidden by the jagged shadows of tangled branches, but, for once, they do not seem endless. For a moment, he loses himself in the hope of the moon, the hope that things beyond this somehow still exist, can exist again.

A sudden rustle in the clearing drags Castiel’s gaze away from the sky, and his gaze snaps towards the open space, defences immediately going up.

His heart stops.

For the first time since being here, he feels all the fear melt out of him as he looks at the lone figure standing in the clearing.

Dean.

Castiel can hardly believe his eyes; purgatory has a way of tricking the senses. But this is more real than anything that exists here. Dean. A year on, half-hidden in darkness, but unmistakable. Heaven or hell or purgatory, Castiel would know him anywhere.

Relief is overwhelming, but bittersweet. Dean looks wrecked. His green eyes are stark and staring, a year of being on constant alert, and the sharp lines of his faces are hollow and shadowed. Castiel watches him check the surroundings methodically before sinking down at the bottom of a particularly gnarled tree, putting his head in his hands. Even from the shadows, Cas can sense his exhaustion. He wonders when Dean last slept, if he sleeps.

Castiel can’t do anything but stare, frozen in wonderment and disbelief. Dean rubs his hands over his face, hands Castiel has seen a thousand times gripping a dagger or a steering wheel or tending Sam’s wounds. Warmth that Castiel didn’t know was possible here blossoms through him. He feels close to tears, as though his heart is on the brink of bursting. He feels alive in a way he hasn’t for almost a year. Maybe longer.

In the clearing, Dean tilts his head back, gazes up at the sky. He stares into the unblinking ghostly stars for a long time, before his eyes flicker shut.

“Cas,” he whispers, voice rough from disuse, and it sends a shock right through Castiel to hear it, out loud in the clearing like they both still exist, instead of through the ether. He’s trembling. Dazedly, he realises that the times Dean has prayed to him over the past year may have been the only time he’s spoken at all. “Cas, I know you can’t hear me, but –” he breaks off, takes a deep breath, eyes still closed. “I need you, Cas. I just – I really need you, Cas,” Dean’s voice tightens, like his throat is thick with tears, “Please.”

Castiel feels as though he’s breaking apart and being mended all at once. He can just see the moon; a year since they arrived here. Dean is still praying to him, as though Castiel is as much a part of his life now as he was then, as though he couldn’t stop if he wanted to. A year of silence, and Dean is still making them both promises.

Castiel can’t bear it anymore, can’t do anything except quietly step out of the shadows, and into the fragile moonlight of the clearing.

Dean is on his feet immediately, instincts sharper than ever – but then he freezes. His face is swathed in shadow, but Castiel can see the faint stars reflected in the green of his gaze.

There’s a pause that feels almost as long as the last year, then –

“Cas?” Dean’s voice is so full of hope it hurts, it should be impossible in a place like this.

“Dean,” Cas replies, and the silence of purgatory is broken.

#reorganising my fics onto tumblr!#as always feedback is much appreciated <3 #destiel #destiel fic #destiel fanfic #destiel angst #destiel pining #purgatory destiel #dean winchester #castiel #deancas #spn #supernatural #spn fanfic #my stuff #my posts: fanfic

88 notes · View notes

leahxx129 · 4 years

Text

The Last Descendant (Sam Winchester x Reader) pt.4

Disclaimer: Tumblr is being weird again so if you’re using the app, the ‘Keep Reading’ cut off line may not be visible inspite of the fact that I always insert one.

Summary for pt.4.: You split up into two search parties to look for Dark Kaia in order to obtain the spear and your teammate turns out to be an outstanding company. When you find her an unexpected turn of events ensues.

Warnings: cursing, some really awful smut (sorry for that)

Word count: 2.820-ish

PART 1. PART 2. PART 3.

The car ride to the location is pretty much the epitome of awkward. Dean drives, Sam sits by him and you and Cas have to share the backseat. He sits as far away from you as possible, which you guess is the normal reaction to almost being stabbed to death by you. Nobody utters a single word. You are kind of still pissed at Sam a little for expecting you to just fess up and of course for keeping a teeny-tiny bit of an information from you such as Lucifer has a son. Once you catch him staring in the rearview mirror at you, but as he realizes he’s caught, he looks away. You’re thankful when the car finally starts to slow down and then stops. You leave every belonging of yours in it. When you get out you notice a police car just a few meters away, a lady is leaning to the side of it. Her face lights up when she sees the boys and starts off in their direction.

„Sam, Dean!” she hugs Sam first, then Dean, but her eyes widen when she reaches Castiel. „Oh my God, Cas, what happened to you?!”

„She did.” he points towards you and you shoot a smile to the astounded lady.

„Oookay?” she looks at them confused but as none of them seems to be keen on offering explanation, she turns to you with an extended hand. „I’m Jody by the way.”

You look at Sam.

„So, you say she can be trusted?”

„Absolutely.” he nods in reassurance.

„Very well then. I’m Nat. Nat…Colt.” you take her hand and squeeze it. It feels a bit strange to use your real name again after all those years.

She suddenly appears to be thinking hard.

„Why does this name sound familiar to me…? Hey – isn’t your omni-killing gun called Colt?”

„Yeah, it is. It’s named after its creator, Samuel Colt. You just met his last living descendant. But I should warn you, her identity is not quite public and she can get stabby so… ” Dean shoots you a sarcastic look.

„Oh, wow, okay. Got it. I’m keeping my mouth shut.” she jabbers.

„So, how are we going to team up?” Cas takes the chance to speak up.

„You and Jody are with me ’cause I doubt that Little Miss Trust Issues over here is gonna go with anyone else but Sam.” Dean replies.

You roll your eyes as a response.

„So, Jody, where did your men see Dark Kaia?” Sam clears his throat and asks to switch the subject.

„They saw her west of here, but she’s been moving around, so basically the whole area is ground we need to cover.”

„Fan-freaking-tastic.” Dean pulls a face.

„I suggest we start moving. The sooner we find her, the better.” Castiel speaks on everyone’s behalf and so you all do as he says so.

The other bunch starts off to the direction Jody has mentioned and you and Sam take the other way. You’re a little bit ahead of Sam, trying to avoid any interactions at all costs. You really don’t feel like doing a heart-to-heart in the middle of the woods. Whenever he catches up with you, you start walking even faster. You probably keep on doing this for about a good twenty minutes when he finally grabs your wrist and turns you to face him.

„Okay, that’s enough! I know I screwed up by not telling you everything - and I’m sorry for that – but you haven’t been the most honest either so I don’t exactly think I deserve the silent treatment.” he bursts out, looking intensly in your eyes. You hold his gaze.

„I’d let go of me if I were you and wanted to keep my hand.” you say calmly.

He lets out a breathless laugh.

„Right. Empty threats. Your speciality.”

He’s crossed a certain line and before you know it, your free fist is on its way to collide with his jawline, but he catches it mid-air. Only a couple of seconds pass and he lets go of both your hands just to grab your face and crash his lips onto yours. You totally freeze because of his unexpected actions and forget to kiss him back. He pulls away, visibly puzzled from your lack of response. You realize your mistake and immediately yank him back by his plaidshirt. Your positive reinforcement really escalates things. In just a fraction of time he pins you against the nearest tree with his body, kissing you passionately. You bury your hands into his hair, getting entirely lost in the moment. His kiss is hot and wet and everything you imagined it would be like. He tears off your shirt, leaving you in your bra and that’s when you get back to reality.

„Sam…Sam! We…” he kisses your neck and it takes everything within your power to suppress a moan. „We… we can’t! Okay? Just – just stop!”

He pulls away just enough to be able to look in your eyes.

„We can. And we will.” he says out of breath and returns to kissing your neck. „You have no idea how long I’ve wanted this – how long I’ve wanted you!” he growles against your skin while his hands are traveling all over your body, making his argument even more valid.

„But..but what if the others stumble upon us, huh?” you give rationality one last try.

„Well, Dean’s a big boy, he can handle it and Cas is not as innocent as he seems. As for Jody… she’ll look away. I want you. Now.”

You don’t need to hear anything more to be convinced – the probabilty of an unwanted pregnancy equals zero, your pill makes sure of that. And as for other concerns…you hope for the best. Sam doesn’t strike you as the sleeping around type.

You take off his jacket and start to unbuckle his belt. He does the same for you and as a final step of the process, he yanks down your jeans as far as he can. You can see the lust clouding his eyes as he looks at your black lace panties. Soon enough he pulls it to the side, caressing you with his index and middle finger. Despite all your best efforts, now you’re not able to withhold a moan. He grabs you under your thighs and lifts you up gently so you would be at the same level he is.

„So wet…” he whispers against your lips and he pulls out his length to push into you. The first couple of thrusts hurt a little, but then it’s just pure pleasure.

You both know exactly that this is not a romantic act. It’s an act of passion and longing and displaying feelings – everything that have been held back for a long time now. His movements are fast, but gentle at the same time and you can’t help moaning his name. He moans yours in return before he starts moving even faster and it’s not long before you both reach bliss. Even though he’s released into you, you stay like that for a moment or two, panting. He kisses you one more time before putting you down. You take your torn shirt and use it to clean yourself up. In approximately three minutes both of you are dressed fully – well, almost fully. Your upper body’s single coverage is your bra thanks to the younger Winchester.

„Here! Take this.” he chuckles as he hands you his plaidshirt. ”I’ve got a t-shirt under this.”

„Oh yeah? And what should I do with it? It’s at least three times my size.”

„I don’t know… Put your belt around your waist, it’ll look like a dress.” he suggests.

„Dress on jeans? Sam, I hate to break it to you but we’re not in the eighties anymore.”

„Relax a bit, Nat. You’d even look smokin’ in a potato sack, a little dress on jeans won’t make you any less attractive.” he tucks a strand of hair behind your ear and gives you a long kiss, which earns him a warm smile from you.

After you’re both ready, you continue your journey of looking for Dark Kaia, walking hand in hand.

„Jesus, Sam, you’ve been smiling for three consequtive minutes, are you alright? I think this is a new record for you, by the way.” you tease him.

„Very funny, Nat. I’m-I’m just happy, that’s all.”

„Really? And why is that?”

„Because of you.” he admits shyly. „I’ve been waitig for someone like you for a while now. You know, I used to think I can only have healthy relationships with women if I get out of this life. Been there, done that, got back in and I thought I could never have anything that even remotely resembles to it. But then you appeared in my life and messed up everything I believed in.”

„Same here, Sam. Same here.” you confess as well, squeezing his hand harder. Since the death of your family, Sam’s the only person who’s managed to break through to you, demolishing each and every one of the walls you built to protect yourself.

You stand on your toes and kiss him. As a result, he pulls you flush against his body, but both of you freeze upon hearing the horrible screams that – judging by the volume - come from a frighteningly short distance.

You both start running in the direction you think they come from and soon enough arrive at a small glade. The scene playing out in front of you is anything but encouraging – Jody is laying on the ground unconscious, blood trickling from her forehead; Castiel is kneeling next to her attempting to heal her wound, but you weakened him significantly in the diner so it’s going a lot slower than usual; and Dean is getting his ass kicked by a girl prominently smaller than him. Based on the stories Sam would tell you about him before you fell asleep together in the bunker, you imagine this is gonna shatter his ego.

The girl they referred to as Kaia is about to stab Dean with her spear, but she stops when Sam yells at her. Instead she just quickly delivers a punch to the older Winchester and turns to hurl the weapon at Sam.

“NO!” you scream and push him out of the way just in time, but consequently your left shoulder gets grazed by the pointed head before it settles in a tree trunk.

“Well, you’ve just ruined my shirt.” you exclaim indignantly, while you examine the hole that the weapon ripped into the fabric. Slowly, blood begins to soak the frayed ends. “Agh, and blood, too?? You can’t wash that out! Now it’s personal.”

You both start running at each other and upon colliding, you both manage to take in a hit. A long, tiresome combat ensues between the two of you – the others are too mesmerized by both of your grace and all the beautifully executed motions to join. A busted lip and several bruises later you see an opportunity to render her harmless by bringing her to the ground and you go for it. In a blink of an eye she’s down in the grass and you’re on top of her, holding her in a way that’s impossible to escape without obtaining serious injuries.

“Would you just stop it already?!” you hiss into hear ear, panting heavily. You consider yourself fit, but this little match made you sweat like a pig. “We don’t want to take that stupid spear of yours for good, girly! We’d just like to borrow it for replication so that we could kill an archangel named Michael with it! He’s gonna eradicate every reality you’ve ever known if we don’t stop him. And right now, it looks like our best bet at doing so is your pointy stick.”

“Well, your friends kind of failed to bring all of this to my attention!” she hisses back just as equally out of breath as you.

You let out a frustrated sigh.

“Alright. Promise me you’ll stay calm and I’ll let you go.” her lack of response makes you motivate her into cooperation by pulling back her arm just a bit more, making her scream out in pain.

“Alright, alright! I promise!”

You let go and both of you jump to your feet. When Kaia realizes Sam is holding the weapon, she goes over and takes it from him then brings it to you. Judging by her facial expression, she would have gladly punched Sam in the face for touching it, but a promise is a promise.

“That man you mentioned has sent his minions to get this from me. They’ve almost killed me twice now. If what your saying is true, take it. Make a copy then get the original back to me. Although I’m uncertain if it’s replicable. “ she says, handing the spear to you.

“Well, this is kind of my job, so I’ll try my best to replicate it.” you say as you take it. Sam, Dean and a now-conscious Jody with the help of Castiel all come closer to take a look.

“Your job is replicating weaponry?” she inquires, curiosity taking over her.

“Well creating and replicating. Whatever the customer pays for. But I make things for myself as well, just look at this ring.” you touch the ring on your right middle finger with your thumb. “This has angel grace in it. It glows when it comes in contact with angels. All I need is a handshake and I’ll know if the person is an asshat from upstairs or not. See?” you touch Castiel’s shoulder and the ring starts glowing with a bright blue light. “But when I touch Dean for example, it’s not glow-“ the words freeze in your throath as the ring burns brighter than ever.

Everybody stares at Dean expectantly, who seems utterly shocked for a minute, but then the mask falls off - he rolls his eyes and a look of indifference appears on his face. He straightens himself, even the tone of his voice changes when he speaks up.

“Alright! I must admit I did not expect such turn of events that would lead to my untimely exposure... I planned on pretending to be Dean for a much longer period to get what I want.”

“Michael…” Sam breathes out.

“In the flesh and bone.” he smiles coldly as he raises his arms and an invisible power pushes each of you against a different surrounding tree. Before your back collides with the trunk and the air gets pushed out of your lungs, you manage to throw the spear into the tall grass. If he wants it, he might as well just look for it.

To the biggest surprise of everyone present, the weapon is not the thing he opts for.

It’s you.

He calmly strolls over to you.

“My, my…” he says as he grabs your chin and scrutinizes your face. “You look just like her. Tell me, Nat, what is your story.”

Your eyes snap to Dean’s green ones, though he’s unmistakably not the person looking back.

“My story?!” you almost can’t contain the rage rising within you “You slaughtered my family when I was a kid, asshole, and I’ve been on the run ever since! That’s my story!”

“Interesting. In my dimension, I murdered your family, but you did not escape. You chose to serve me instead.”

“No!” you feel tears starting to sting.

“Oh, yes...” he tucks a lock of hair behind your ear. “In fact, your services covered a much broader area in life, including warming my bed. I have to admit, I felt a pang of jealousy when you appeared here in Samuel’s flanel.” he whispers the last sentence, his breath fanning your face.

“DEAN!” Sam’s voice rips trough the air all of a sudden. “I know you’re in there! Fight it, man!”

Michael appears to be a bit irritated by this and turns to walk in Sam’s direction. Your thoughts are racing, so it takes a couple of seconds to realize that what Sam’s doing is distraction. While Michael is set on him, he would concentrate on restraining the others less. It takes all your physical power to move your hand, but you succeed. You are able to dip your fingers into your bleeding shoulder wound and start drawing the angel banishing sign on the tree.

“Samuel. You know, your brother is pushed back so far in his own mind, that he cannot hear you. You might as well just stop talking.”

“What if I don’t want to?”

“Then I’ll make you.” with a snap of his fingers Sam’s begins choking on thin air.

Your heart rate rises seeing Sam in agony. You swiftly dip your fingers one last time to finish the sign.

“Hey, Michael!” you scream, immediately earning a head turn from him. “This isn’t over, asshole!”

You slap your palm against the sign and both him and Castiel disappear.

#Sam Winchester #sam winchester x reader #sam x reader #SPN #spnfic #series #fanfic #supernatural #sam

11 notes · View notes

katsidhe · 5 years

Note

And now it’s your turn! I would love to get the Director’s Commentary on “Awake, Arise.” Especially if you get inspired to add another chapter. 😜❤️

Thank you so much to both @caranfindel and @quirkykayleetam for asking about “Awake, Arise”! It’s a multi chapter, WIP season 9 AU with all my favorite things: Sam, and also torture. What else is there to say??

…okay, fine, let’s add some background.

How did you come up with the idea?

Sam’s been hurt a lot, hasn’t he? He gets injured every other episode, he gets tied up and threatened and tortured, he gets choked and stabbed and conked on the noggin and everything else under the sun. It’s why we love him. But most everything that’s happened to him (with the big ol’ glaring exception of the Cage) has been, if not wholly unanticipated, at least a shock in that moment. On the job, then acute hurt, then relative safety. When he’s in a fight, he can give as good as he gets. If he’s abducted, it’s a surprise, and it’s temporary. If he’s killed, it’s sudden, and he’s coming back. Even though hideous injury is a predictable hazard of his occupation, Sam hasn’t really been in a prolonged period of helplessness/anticipation of injury without a reasonable hope of escaping it or fighting back… at least, not on Earth.

In the Cage, on the other hand, Sam experienced unimaginably brutal and creative abuse, with no hope of escape or fighting back or rescue, and with every anticipation that each new day would be more absurdly unbearable than the last. But… he also didn’t need to be functional, per se, not beyond whatever variable standard of “entertaining” that Lucifer specified. He didn’t have to pull himself together to research a case or interact with civilians or navigate the nuanced and thorny complexities of his relationship with Dean.

Basically, Sam’s day-to-day struggles are stressful and ongoing and dangerous, but he never knows precisely what to expect, and he knows he’s generally equipped to fight back; his time in the Cage was a lot more morbidly predictable and inevitable, but there was no requirement to be a sane, productive member of society.

So….. what if we combined the best worst of both worlds? What if Sam got an exact time and date and description for the hurt, a who what when where, without any way for him to fight or avoid it? And it would just keep happening, but in between, he had to keep living his life? What if, on top of that, it was the worst thing he could imagine: a return to the Cage? (Trauma is nice but REtrauma is nicer.) How do would he deal with THAT flavor of ongoing trauma—something unlike anything he’s felt before?

Hence… the premise of Awake, Arise, which I tossed around in my mind for a few years, sort of fruitlessly wishing someone else would think of the same idea and write it. (I found a few stories with premises that were… vaguely similar but not quite there.) Eventually, I realized I’d have to be the change I wanted to see in the world. Or some such thing.

Why is it set in season 9?

Short answer? Not to put too fine a point on it, but adding Lucifer to s9 makes a stew that I think most embodies what I see as SPN’s mission statement: “Sam Winchester navigates various abusive relationships, of varying severity, to varying degrees of success.”

Longer justification: first of all, it’s gotta be after season 7—so that Sam’s in a place of relative functionality—and before season 11—so that Lucifer’s got little hope for imminent rescue. So that narrows the field a little.

And then I got to thinking about the other goals I had for a fic (y’know, beyond just endlessly self-indulgent Lucifer and Sam convos and Cage headcanons, which is my real genre of choice), and I realized I really, REALLY wanted to deal with the intricacies of Sam and Dean’s post-Gadreel relationship. The newly Mark’ed Dean is looking for absolution that Sam’s in absolutely no mood to give. Sam’s reeling from possession and betrayal; he’s trying, for the first time in a long time, to set some boundaries in their relationship. What better time to make things EVEN WORSE, than when Sam’s already got to navigate his victimhood at the hands of his own brother? What better time to add in Lucifer as both foil and cruel truth-teller?

Other things to love in season 9: Dean’s, erm, complicated relationship with violence and torture and Sam-as-victim is being exacerbated by the Mark (oh Dean, you scary bastard, I do love you)… and Cas and Sam’s friendship is both touchingly close and more than a tad off (”the only one who’s screwed up worse than you is me”, anyone?)… and Gadreel, whom I love, is hanging around to be a Sam-mirror (they should be friends but they’re very much noooot ahahaha)…

What’s with the title?

“Awake, arise, or be forever fall’n” is a Paradise Lost quote. It’s Satan’s rallying cry to the other angels who have fallen from God’s grace: he’s telling them that he’s their only salvation.

How closely is it going to follow canon events?

I’m operating under the logic that the ONLY thing that’s altered between canon and the Awake Arise universe is the existence of Abaddon’s spell. That being said, the addition of Lucifer to the season 9 chessboard upsets the plans of quite a few players, and changes the Sam’n’Dean dynamic dramatically! There are a lot of fun implications that come from that one alteration, so while generally, facts that are true in canon remain true here, the landscape’s gonna look pretty different in the end.

Was this your first real attempt at creative writing?

Yepppp. It’s not my first fic ever (that dubious distinction belongs to a very short piece I wrote in about an hour right after 11.09 because holy shit 11.09 was not fucking around), but it’s the first one I’ve ever expended serious effort on. When I started writing it in 2017, I didn’t think of myself as any kind of an author. I think my writing has improved since then, and hopefully it will continue to improve.

It’s incredibly self indulgent, isn’t it?

Why, yes. Yes, it is. It is an excuse for my id to hurt Sam in fun new ways. I tacked intellectual character justifications onto it post hoc.

Are you ever going to update?

Yes. I am going to see this unholy thing through to the bitter end (which btw is already written). Chapter 17 is about three-quarters done.

How long is it going to be?

Who knows! It began life with a broad fifteen chapter outline, but I kept thinking of more things to add to the middle, and then I needed additional things to connect those things in ways that made sense… you get the picture. Right now my outline has bloated to 33 chapters, and it’s almost certainly going to be longer than that.

And there’s my commentary! Thanks for asking!! I’m not even sure what people are most interested in knowing about this piece, since it’s a WIP… so if there’s some burning question or idle curiosity I didn’t cover, drop me a line!

#i speaks #this was so much fun #awake arise #sam and lucifer #sam and the cage #sam and trauma #sam and abuse #my fic #dean critical #i suppose #anyway the takeaway from this is that I like media about trauma and abuse #raise your hand if you're surprised

19 notes · View notes

nerdylittleshit · 6 years

Text

Thoughts about Spn 13x21

SPOILERS! SPOILERS! SPOILERS!

Welcome to this week’s episode of ALL THE FEELS. Featuring the hit singles “I Just Wanna Make Love To You”, “Another One Bites The Dust” and “Father & Son”.

This might as well be Beren’s last episode (if they hopefully pick up “Wayward Sisters”), so he made sure he delivered. And boy, he did! I wasn’t quite sure in which direction the episode would go, but I wasn’t expecting THAT. This episode moved the characters where they needed to be for the big finale, both locally as emotional. As I expect the last two episodes to be rather plot heavy, this episode focused more on the character themselves, their current state of minds, as well as the questions about their future.

But as always, let’s have a closer look!

Home Alone

We start the episode with Sam’s dream of his family reunited in the bunker, eating pizza. The scene reminded me of the end of 10x18 and 12x02; both times the family reunion foretold a tragic event (Charlie’s death and Mary choosing to leave her sons). And even though the scene is not real, in the end the one who dreamt it is taken away.

Of course the dream tells us also something about how Sam sees his family. Everyone scolds Dean for his eating habits, but I really think this is more Sam’s view than anyone else’s. Because as Dean said, 7 slices of pizza is not even an entire pie, and he is a grown man. I mean I eat an entire pizza if I want to, so. And then of course there is Cas nagging, but later giving Dean another slice anyway (which interesting enough happens after Sam left the room), which is their usual old married couple behaviour, but this is still how Sam sees them. It is also possible that this little moment actually happened, and Sam integrated the memory into his dream. We also get another mention of John, whose absence in their family dinner is made textual.

In the real world Rowena and Gabriel have both agreed to help Sam & Dean to get their family back, preparing the spell to open the rift. Once again after 13x13 Grace is associated with sex; Gabriel demands some time alone to extract his grace (to Dean’s horror in his room), but then his juice is not strong enough to get it up. The rift of course. To be honest I could have done without all the sexual innuendo, but at least it wasn’t as cringeworthy as when Bucklemming do it.

I was also not even a little bit surprised that Rowena and Gabriel hooked up, I called it. And really they are perfect for each other. They have both been characters who in the past only did what was good in their own interest, who faked their deaths, both also killed by Lucifer, and who are now at a turning point in their lives. Isn’t it interesting that they only met because they both agreed to help the Winchesters, because they have both changed?

Lucifer is then literary haunted by his past, as the two people he killed come back to get him. And by now there is really an incredible long list of characters who want to see him dead, so I hope it is a group effort that kills him in the end.

Rowena is the one left in charge to babysit Lucifer (after Sam made sure she is ok with that, bless his heart) and this is the part where the plot demands certain characters to act a certain way, despite all logic not do so. Because they have carefully avoided to mention that they know where Jack is and of course Rowena could have simply use a spell to silence Lucifer. But as I said the plot demanded that Lucifer would learn about the whereabouts of his son and break free to get him, so here we are.

And then of course we have Rowena who shows that she really changed after all. Because the old Rowena would have gone, wouldn’t have made it her problem that Sam & Dean are trapped in another world. But in a strange twist of destiny they have become the only allies she has left, and just as she couldn’t kill Sam she now can’t leave them behind.

Strangers In A Strange Land

The gang lands in the apocalypse world, and it is clear that only Dean has mastered the superhero landing. Gabriel though lands in Cas’s lap and then we get a reaction shot from Dean. Twice. I wonder why that is, but I guess we will never know.

We also learn that angels have a built-in-GPS (convenient) and then we see a short conversation between Cas and Gabriel, where Gabriel learns about heaven’s current situation and Cas suggests that he could help. This could already foretell what role Gabriel could be given next season, if he survives this season, that is. Part of me thinks however that would be too easy, and that the angels might instead turn to AU!Michael for help, as there is still a big chance neither Gabriel or Lucifer will survive this season (Gabriel as part of his redemption arc, Lucifer because he sucks).

I have written in another episode review before that I really like the exploration of the apocalypse world; back in season 5 the concept of the apocalypse was rather abstract, now we see how the world would have evolved from that. We learn that the monsters there, namely the vampires, turn back to an almost animalistic form, caused by starvation (that first vampire did remind me of Nosferatu to be honest). Back in 12x23 we saw a demon in the apocalypse world, full with horns, and now I wonder if it looked like that as a consequence of the apocalypse as well.

The two strangers our team met seemingly didn’t react to the fact that Cas and Gabriel are angels (which ultimately became clear when Cas couldn’t pass the angel warding). They were either too afraid to ask or it does imply that even in the apocalypse world are still some angels left who help humanity.

Then of course the big event that shaped the entire episode and probably the outcome of the season happens: Sam dies. This of course is a reminder of 11x17, the other episode where Sam randomly died (I love how this sentence makes only sense in our fandom). Both episodes are reminders that Sam and Dean can die on any hunt. Yes they are experienced and perhaps better hunters than most, but the risk is always there. 11x17 featured werewolves, now we have vampires, both monsters they faced before, and Sam even says that they faced worse than a nest of vampires. And by now we as the audience, and the Winchesters themselves expect to go out with a big bang.

The difference we see then compared to 11x17 is Dean’s reaction. Back then Dean killed himself in order to bargain with Death to bring Sam back (only to learn that Sam was still alive). This time however he doesn’t. It is Cas who follows Sam and who then tells Dean that Sam is gone and that there is nothing left for them to do. And Dean, heartbroken, trusts Cas on this. Which is huge. But he also knows that Cas would have done anything he could to save Sam.

And it is not just Dean and Cas who have to face Sam’s death, but Mary and Jack as well. Mary who just said last episode that she can’t lose another boy. And Jack who is facing his first real loss (he never had a chance to get to know his mother).

Of course as an audience we already know that Sam would come back somehow, so the question is why kill him in the first place? For one thing to tie him to Lucifer, because this season everyone has to face their abusers and their worst nightmares. Lucifer bringing back Sam from the dead is a dark mirror to Cas bringing back Dean from hell. Sam is just a means to an end for Lucifer to get to his son (though I admit I was worried for a minute that Lucifer wanted Sam to say “yes”). But it means more to Sam, because now he owns his life to his abuser. And just as Rowena he realizes that he can never truly escape Lucifer.

Dean had to experience the death of his brother again, after he admitted last episode that he doesn’t care about his own life as long as Sam is ok. Sam’s death and the return of Lucifer are two of his worst nightmares coming through. By now he is willing to do whatever it takes to kill Lucifer. Even giving his own life… in the hands of someone who had the power to kill Lucifer.

We end with the reunion of Lucifer and Jack, with the big question of how Jack will react to his biological father. We know that in the past he had seemed afraid of Lucifer, had feared his own potential to go dark side. He sees Sam, Dean, Cas and Mary as his family and it is possible his mother has told him about the abuse she had to suffer from Lucifer. And yet I don’t think Jack would kill his father, unless he threatens his chosen family. Jack is too kind, too innocent, someone who wants to believe in the good of everyone, perhaps even his father. I’m really curious how this relationship will develop.

The other two characters they will likely again are Lucifer and AU!Michael. Lucifer already told Sam that they need his help to beat this Michael. So will they make a deal with the devil to kill Michael? Or will they make a deal with Michael to kill Lucifer?

Only two episodes left and I’m pretty sure Sam’s dream will remain only this, a dream.

#supernatural #spn 13x21 #beat the devil #spn meta #spoilers #my meta #finally here after 300 years of napping

122 notes · View notes

shirtlesssammy · 6 years

Text

13x06: Tombstone

Then:

Uncontrollable Sobbing

Now:

Where the fuck is our TFW reunion? Dean and a local lawman from Dodge City, Kansas are hunting something at night in a graveyard, when the sarge gets sucked underground by some particularly strong grabby hands.

48 Hours Earlier

Dean and Cas are reunited and all is right in the world. (Sam. Sam is here too.) Dean asks Cas if it’s really him. Cas admits to annoying an ancient cosmic being into sending him back to Earth. Sam mumbles something about not knowing what to say, but Dean’s got this one.

“Welcome home, pal.” And Dean gives Cas a big hug ---and oh my, his face journey when he hugs Cas. What the fuck, Dean!? I know you’re in shock, but don’t pal-zone the dude. Your face is a menace.

(Sam. Sam is here too --and he gets a hug in as well.)

Cas asks how long he was gone (all calculations seem to indicate ~a month), and Dean responds, “Too damn long.” Like, when Cas finds out how long it really was, he better call Dean out on how dramatic that is. He tells the brothers that he was in the Empty. Sam surmises that Jack did something to wake him.

At the bunker, there’s a heartfelt meeting/reunion of Jack and Cas. This third Cas hug was really emotional for me, guys.

Jack is eager to prove to his new family that he’s studying hard, moving pencils with his mind, and finding cases to work. If he wasn’t so fucking cute, I’d have my supernatural sensors pinging right now. He wants so desperately to be good, but the more he learns about his powers, the more he’ll use them. We’re only at episode 6 --there’s a whole lot of time for him to go dark side. Jack lets the team know that “the dead are rising in Dodge City, Kansas.” Nerd Dean makes an appearance. And much to Sam and Cas’s reluctance, they decide to check it out. Off to the Stampede Motel and RV Park!

Dean books the best room in the joint (but only two beds for four grown men, smh).

And Dean Bean really nerds out about all the western gunmen on the wall. (Sam. Sam is here too --wondering why he can’t enjoy serial killer trivia.) Also, I just about died watching Tactile!Dean touch the bison’s nose.

While Dean and Sam prepare to crash for the night, Cas and Jack bond over not sleeping.

Dean opens the closet door to discuss how getting Cas back is a “pretty, damn big win.” Sam’s happy he’s happy, but his Dimples of Knowledge™ indicate he knows it’s more than that. And he closes the closet, conversation over.

Meanwhile, Deputy Kyle pulls over a stolen truck, only to be dragged under the vehicle for his efforts.

Later that night, Dean gets his first real good night of sleep in a month, while Cas and Jack talk about all that’s happened to Jack. Jack is just such a nougat-face wondering about heaven (angels are dicks, Jack.) They talk about Kelly, and Cas apologizes for not being there for Jack from the beginning. “Kelly would be so proud of you,” Cas assures his mini-me. It’s then that Jack sees the latest law enforcement development and runs to tell Sam and Dean. Cas, who’s watched Dean wake up angry so many times he’s lost count, runs to stop Jack from making the most egregious error, but is too late. Dean pulls his gun on him (thankfully Jack doesn’t blast him with nephilim power, right?), and then asks for someone *cough*Cas*cough* to make him coffee.

After finding out that the deputy was found with bite marks all over, Sam and Jack decide to hit up the local graveyard while Cas and Dean check out the crime scene. After Dean’s coffee break, of course.

Classic Scene Alert

Dean and Cas pull up to the crime scene. Holy Hell, guys. I could watch this on repeat forever.

Dean bought Cas a cowboy hat --only it’s a straw hat!

Dean fixes said hat to look better, but Cas is dubious of that correction.

Cas touched Baby’s rearview mirror and lives to to see another day.

Dean is hella excited to act like he’s in the movie Tombstone.

Cas is Dean’s ‘Huckleberry”, i.e. man he’s been looking for.

Dean makes Cas watch movies with him.

Dean closes his eyes and swallows very dramatically when Cas lowers his voice and quotes Tombstone. (I don’t make the rules, that’s just canon.)

Dean is glad to have his angel back and his voice breaks when he says “Cas”.

I have to admit, I’m not the biggest Steve Miller Band fan, so I was a bit meh when I first heard this, but after watching this scene a couple hundred dozen times, I’m cool with it. It’s certainly not their most played song and it’s jangly fun for the scene. I loved the record scratch at the end. And Cas’s “Howdy partner” and “Much obliged”? JFC.

Dean Agent Russell, and his associate, Cas Val Kilmer, meet with Sergeant Phillips about the victim. Turns out to be his nephew, and he’s wondering why the Texas Rangers are this far north. Dean rolls with his new role.

At the undertakers, rockabilly Athena is preparing a body for embalming while wearing noise cancelling headphones. She doesn’t hear Sam and Jack Agent’s Elliott and Paxton approach. Athena doubts Jack’s age (aww, remember when Sam was so young people doubted that he was an FBI agent? They grow up so fast.) Sam and Athena make a brief connection over Amanda Palmer and Jack fucks up and asks about cold spots. (He’s trying so hard. PROTECT.)

At the grave, Sam finds a gnawed on hip bone. They’re dealing with a ghoul!

TFW 2.0 wonders if Athena is the ghoul, but quickly dismiss that idea. Athena, meanwhile, is busy at work, and busy being followed by a shadowy figure. Dean figures it out that they’re looking for Dave Mather, cowboy and outlaw and someone who’s been dead since 1886, “which makes this a little weird.”

Athena’s mysterious stalker is Dave! It seems that Athena was accepted to a prestigious make-up school in LA. Dave is less than impressed. Athena spills the beans on the FBI visit, alerting Dave.

After Jack pieces it together that Dave is Athena’s boyfriend, they head out to the mortuary, looking for Dave.

Dave is busy robbing a bank.

Team Free Will 2.0 heads to the bank to stop him. They confirm that Dave is, in fact, a ghoul who's been chomping on ole Dave for a long time now. A regular Western-style shootout begins. Cas tells Jack to stay hidden but Jack's full of confidence now. He rushes out and gets shot full of lead for his trouble. But Jack's unperturbed by this. He holds up his hand and does a power blast, throwing both Dave and the bank guard violently backwards.

Dave falls to the ground but the bank guard gets knocked against a concrete pillar. When he falls to ground, he falls down dead, presumably killed instantly as soon as his head hit the pillar. Dave escapes on foot with Dean in pursuit while everyone else checks on the guard. Dean loses Dave (curse you, stray automobile!) and heads back to the crime scene where Jack is looking with horror on the dead guard who Castiel tries and fails to resurrect. This seems like a low power moment for Cas, but here's my headcanon. Cas could revive the body but the guard's soul already moved on. Since he isn't welcome in Heaven these days, Cas couldn't head up and retrieve his soul. You may say to me. Natasha. How do you explain Gadreel then HUH? To that I simply say that Cas and Charlie's souls hadn't moved on yet. (I also accept the more popular headcanon that Cas will never be max power again now that some of his grace was destroyed by Metatron’s spell.)

Anyway, the guard is irrevocably dead. They all head back to the hotel to figure out their next step.

We cut to the hotel where the camera closes in on Jack with an actual thunderclap sound effect. Yesss yes give me your heavy handed audio cues. Cas asks if it's happened before (and I'm getting some serious parent/teacher conference vibes here.) But it doesn’t really matter, does it? Because there’s a dead man in town and the police are gonna be sniffing around. Dean sends Cas and Sam home with Jack while he stays to take care of the ghoul.

Back at the mortuary, Dave stumbles in on Athena. He's bleeding, aggressive, and he's got a bag full of stolen money. He confesses to robbing graves for quick cash and a bank for mega cash. Athena hears all this, puts two and two together, and realizes that he killed the officer. Dave protests that the murder was okay because he “had it coming.” He grips her tightly and tells her that she should stick with him because he'll protect her. It's all very...UGH. Athena tells him that she'll never stay with him and I'm honestly fearing for her life right now. Because telling him she's leaving him will only lead to him rage-killing her, right? A car pulls up outside, interrupting Dave in what just might have been the knick of time.

We jump to outside the mortuary. It's the Sergeant, quickly followed by Dean! They greet each other laconically. “You here to shoot down a gosh durn monster?” “Yep.” They stalk through the cemetery and separate to flush out Dave when a hole opens up in the ground (yes, we're looping back to the opening scene) and swallows up the Sergeant. Dean rushes to the hole. It's deep and dark and Dean, bless him, hesitates at the lip of the sinkhole.

“Mmm mmm. Nope, I don't wanna,” he says and I one hundred percent back him up on this opinion. Going face first into a tiny crawl hole is the stuff of nightmares. To his credit, however, in he goes. He crawls through on his belly, shotgun in hand.

Back in the Impala, Sam and Cas try to make Jack feel better. “I've killed people who didn't deserve it,” Cas tells him. “My friends. I killed people I loved. I wish I could tell you that it gets easier...with time it hurts less but that would be a lie.” Jack ain't buying it and honestly...neither am I. I'm not convinced that telling newborn Jack that his role model isn't such a role model is the best strategy in this case. But ANYway. Cas tries to convince him that what happened was a mistake and he can still improve. “I have to believe it,” Cas says. And...AAAW CAS <3 Always swimming towards faith in something better. (High fives the Empty for drop-kicking him back to us.)

Jack is JUST DONE.

Dean finally crawls to the end of the tunnel and ends up in the undertaker's basement. He finds Athena tied up down there and the Sergeant injured but alive. A gun snicks behind Dean and he turns around to find the last player in the drama: Ghoul Dave.

Dave's wearing his cowboy hat (because why not) and orders Dean to hold his hands up high. Dave hits peak about-to-get-his-comeuppance smug, describing how he's going to kill Dean, when Dean steps aside revealing the Sergeant holding a shotgun. The Sergeant fires a carefully aimed round and takes off Dave's entire head. The blood cannon splatters across Athena's crisp, white shirt in what Boris described as cleverly staged costuming. “Happy trails, cowboy,” Dean says to the headless body.

Dean heads back to the bunker, gives the victory report, and tells Sam that he took care of covering up Jack's accident. This makes Jack angry. He's not ready to accept forgiveness and he's frustrated that everyone tells him to move on. He shouts and Sam backs away with his hands in the air. Jack recognizes their fear. “Maybe I'm just another monster,” Jack theorizes. To everyone's surprise, Dean disagrees. He's no more monster than Sam, Dean, or Cas. Jack, to his credit, doesn't think this is exactly a winning argument. Jack decides to leave so he doesn't hurt anyone else. He power blasts them all to the floor and then flaps out of the bunker.

QuoteBack Mountain:

I do.

Two salty hunters, one half-angel kid, and a dude that just came back from the dead again. Team Free Will 2.0.

He really likes cowboys

I told you, he’s an angry sleeper, like a bear.

My name is Val Kilmer.

I’m gonna get my boots on.

Tell her that the guy she's banging eats dad people and we gotta kill him.

Sure, come to Dodge City. We'll have some laughs.

Want to read more? Check out our Recap Archive!

#spn recap #spn picspam #spn 13x06 #tombstone #dean winchester #sam winchester #castiel #cas #jack kline #supernatural season #brokebacknatural

75 notes · View notes

riverdamien · 3 years

Text

When the Rough Winds Blow

When the Rough Winds Blow God is the Windbreaker!

"26. He also said, 'This is what the kingdom of God is like. A man scatters seed on the land. 27. Night and day, while he sleeps, when he is awake, the seed is sprouting and growing; how, he does not know. 28. Of its own accord the land produces first the shoot, then the ear, then the full grain in the ear. 29. And when the crop is ready, at once he starts to reap because the harvest has come.' 30. He also said, 'What can we say that the kingdom is like? What parable can we find for it? 31. It is like a mustard seed which, at the time of its sowing, is the smallest of all the seeds on earth. 32. Yet once it is sown it grows into the biggest shrub of them all and puts out big branches so that the birds of the air can shelter in its shade.' 33. Using many parables like these, he spoke the word to them, so far as they were capable of understanding it. 34. He would not speak to them except in parables, but he explained everything to his disciples when they were by themselves." Mark, 4 - Bíblia Católica Online Monday June 7, 2021

Mustard branches are gangly, and no bird of any size could make its nest in one. The nest would slide off, or the branch would break. Few would find much shade under the cover of a mustard branch. So either Jesus was an ignorant townie or else he was gently, lovingly teasing. The dream of Israel, Ezekiel tells us, was to become like a magnificent, towering Lebanon cedar, the greatest tree in the Middle East. But Jesus says that God's promise of home was to be fulfilled in this tough weed, and was without any pretentions or glory. Once it has been sown, the mustard bush is hard to get rid of. Barbara Reed remarks, "So too is the tenacious faith of those who seem to be of no account." Despite all efforts of opposition to get rid of it, the bush hangs on, as it will untill the Lord comes again and humanity finds its home in God.

Through the years, one question which has been asked of me, "how much longer are you going to stay in San Francisco?" And the answer is when I came here, I took a vow to God, of "stability," and I have been praised, condemned, and ignored through these years, but I stay. There are times I want to walk away, but I stay, and in staying like the mustard seed become tough, thorny, and unable to be sit on or walked on.

I see that toughness in the one's on the street.

Haight Street is a street of wealth and tourism, but at the very bottom or the street kids. Each day one encounters the toughness of the mustard tree. One afternoon there Sue who was drawing, and another individual spit and hit her, a cop standing nearby, told Sue to leave, she "was causing trouble," an older man screamed at me and threw his food in my face saying, "that's not what I want," I sat with one twenty two year old for several hours, as he babbled about suicide, finally he he moved on to another suject, and than there was another trying to sell me his wisdom tooth.

June 8, 2021

Today most of the day was spent in zoom meetings, and as I began the last one on Pride, my mind went to my young friend , throwing the term of pan-sexual around in his Texas town, and the response resulted in his suicide; and as I was walking into Walgreens, James, asked me for some canned beef stew. He is 50ish, on the street for as long as I have been here, dirty, haggard looking; his face went ino the a smile that shines like the stars when I handed him three cans of beef stew. All are mustard trees, who will stand strong for eternity, and will hear the words of the Apostle Paul: "As surely as God is trustworthy, what we say to you is not both Yes and No. The Son of God Jesus Christ, who was proclaimed to you by us. .was never Yes and No; his nature is always Yes. For in him is found the Yes to all God's promises and therefore it is through him that we answer Amen to give praise to God. It is God who gives us . .a sure place in Christ. (2:18-20).

The Rough Winds Blow But God Always is the Wind Breaker

June 9, 2021

Today will be spent mostly in solitude, for in the words of Henri Nouwen: "in solitude, we come to know the Spirit who has already been given to us. The pains and struggles we encounter in our solitude thus become the way to hope, because our hope is not based on something that will happen after our sufferings are over, but on the real presence of God's healing Spirit in the midst of these sufferings. The discipline of solitude allows us gradually to come in touch with the hopeful presence of God in our lives, and allows us to taste even now the beginnings of the joy and peace that belong to the new heaven and the new earth."

Each time I walk out of my door there is pain in the doorways surrounding me, physical and psychological pain; there is pain in my on life, but what I have found to ease my pain, and that of others is found in the prayer of Caesar Chavez:

"Grant me the courage to serve others; for in service there is true life."

The Rough Winds Blow But God Always is the Wind Breaker

June 10

". .Now this Lord is the Spirit, and where the Spirit of the Lord is, there is freedom. And all of us with our unveiled faces, like mirrors reflecting the glory of the Lord, are being transformed into the image that we reflect in brighter and brighter glory; this is the working of the Lord who is Spirit.. 2 Corinthians 3:16-17

------------------------

This past year of wearing masks and staying a has kept us isolated, very much alone, and out touch with others. In the hospital when I stood by someone breathing their lasts I always took my mask off, so they could see my face, and my expression of being present. Working on the street I very seldom wore a mask, but keeping separation six feet a part because wearing the mask prevented them seeing my reflection, my humor, sorrow, happiness, and seeing my face made people feel comfortable.

Unmasking we can also show our anger and hate. This morning walking home from the post office, wearing a "Black Lives Matter" teeshirt, a young guy carrying flowers in front of me began screaming "Take, that damn shirt off," not wearing a mask I could see his hate, and anger, his eyes bristled, as I moved rapidly across the street. He moved on shouting racist remarks.

In reflecting on my lack of fear, smiling with compassion, and moving away without saying a word, the words of Henri Nouwen came to mind:

In true solidude three is an unlimited space for others because we are empty. In this poverty nobody stands over and against us, because our enemy is only our enemy as long as we have something to defend. But when we have nothing to hold on to or protect, when we have nothing we consider exclusively ours, than no body will threaten us.

Rather, in the center of our solitude we meet all men and women as brothers and sisters. In true solitude, we stand so naked and so vulnerable before God, and we become so totally aware of our dependency on God's love --that not only our friend's but also those who kill, lie, torture, rape, and wage wars become a part of our flesh and blood.

Yes, in true solidtude we are so totally empty and poor that we find our solidarity with brothers and sisters everywhere. Our hearts, full of God and empty of fear and anger, become a welcoming home for God and for our whole human family on earth.

For once I hit a home run. Fr. Henri teaches us well, let us unveil our faces and find true freedom.

Nouwen sums up the teaching of the mustard seed, we unveil our faces, and stand in poverty, and nothing will hurt us.

The Rough Winds Blow But God Always is the Wind Breaker

------------------------

Fr. River Damien Sims, sfw, D.Min., D.S.T.

P.O. Box 642656

San Francisco, CA 94164

www.temenos.org

0 notes

wack-ashimself · 7 years

Text

Changing the world requires a little bit of everything...

you can say change it from the inside, all you want, but when NOTHING has improved in my lifetime, either a-you are WRONG or b-if you are still right, then you are saying NONE of the politicians we have had so far could/wanted to change it from within (since it does suck so bad). So which one is it? 'Well, there's not ENOUGH good politicians.' Then...it can't be improved from the inside, since it's a rigged system. You just basically said that....

you can say change it from inside (yourself), to fix the world, but then you are saying a-no one has successfully fully changed themselves to an important level (again, since it does suck so bad) or b-that if everyone sat there and sincerely, earnestly, thought deeply, that NO ONE would still come out some kind of selfish asshole? Ha. That is a joke. You can laugh too.

It's not ONE THING that will change the world. It's not ONE THING that will cause the revolution. It's not ONE THING that will spark the flame in our hearts.

It's ALL of us. It's ALL of our actions. It's ALL of our duties. (haha. I said 'duties'.)

How about this? Let's admit some truths, in which we are INCORRECT in our beliefs, currently (not all of us, but enough of us)...

-'cops protect everyone'.

Nope. Mostly the rich, and the status quo. The FIRST time I realized this (before many of these cops killing) there was a meme: 'When you see cops' lights in your rear view mirror, do you usually feel better or worse?' (or something like that) And I've never been able to answer better...I recently watched a cop speed, pull in, just to set a speed trap for oncoming traffic...2-3 days ago. Ugh. I HAVE called the cops. Almost every time-Midland Street. Every time-a drunk fight NO ONE was trying to break up. That's it. I didn't know the people, but I have seen enough fights to where someone was near the brink of really getting hurt (because this is over a cement/bricked area, and they were barely able to stand) because they wouldn't stop. I don't regret calling the cops. I regret that is the only scenario where I thought they could help. Other...2 times were accidents I was in where I thought the other may had been hurt. I ain't chancing someone dying because of a ticket. Which I never got either time. First time-bad brakes (drove from MI to CA with NO brakes, so when I got there....) Second time-she ran a light. Side story-it happened in the heart of Hollywood, and I was scared she was hurt, so I ran up, pounding on the door, you alright?! She was in shock, unharmed, but I didn't know it at first. Security came out, was about to detain me because they thought I was angry and about to attack her over the accident since 'it happens all the time at that intersection.' Their own words. That really made me sad-thought the worst of me because they are used to seeing the worst... Anyways, she was fine, I got my car totally covered. It was ok. Cops were nice, because we were all white. haha. But seriously-I have personally seen LA cops be mean to non whites with no real just cause, multiple times. Always nice as fuck to me. I swear, only time in my life I FELT white privilege.

Man, did that go off topic...

Some more truth we need to admit:

-the rich do not have the best intentions of anyone but themselves. Making them rich, giving them incentives, etc, gives them more control over us and the market. The rich are the true enemies of the world.

I keep this vague because names, faces, titles, businesses, etc can always change. What never changes is their source of power-money. Whatever means it goes by in that day (gold coin, rubies, paper bills, digital FAKE numbers), those who control it are always the enemy. I say always the enemy because, logically, if they were good, control would be for all, not just some, not just a lot, but ALL, worldwide. The rich, nowhere, want that, so therefore, the rich, everywhere, are the enemy.

-Killing anyone, for any reason, will only make the world worse. Because it shows killers get killed which, DUH, makes more killers (those who killed the killers).

And that MENTALITY goes out there, and produces harmful actions by tainted minds. True punishment <no> justice, is letting those corrupted seeing the world improve with them cut entirely out of it. See how they only held us back. And if possible, teach them lessons. Don't just give negative reinforcement, but positive. How come we never try positive in prisons? We never try to reform, only punish. Want to see how it is done? Watch 'Where to Invade Next.' It shows the world's most effective prisons....

-My body, my rules, every time. Drugs, suicide, tats, vaccines or no vaccines, etc. Even if pregnant-her body, her rules.

Now after...what, 42 weeks (brain waves), if she didn't have an abortion, then it can be debated. I sincerely can't say the moral implications of that one...but TILL then, her body, her rules. After that, abuse, maybe? I dunno.

-no taxation without representation, voluntary.

Simply put-you should see EXACTLY where every single penny of your taxes go. And if you want, you may opt out of some or all taxes. We'd have to find some agreement that after like 2-4 generations tho, they'd have to pay a fee to use public paid for things. For those who pay taxes, no dumb yearly fees (license, tags, etc). But eventually, the world's resources will balance out so well with tech that, even all that monetary worry will be a thing of the past.

-only laws pertaining to the welfare of all human kind or an individual shall matter or be reinforced.

Aka, no hurting/hording the planet, no hurting each other, no mental abuse. But, no benefits to businesses or organizations. Not to take away from their chances, rather, we will aim to endorse all ideas. You wanna paint? We'll find a way to get you a way to paint. But, you wanna rob a couple of their art? Ticket or jail. You wanna speed? Speed as much as you want. BUT, you endanger or harm someone-ticket, mofo. You wanna pee on the side of a building, fine! You wanna pee next to a 5 yr old during a parade, drunk, twirling your dick-ticket. See the difference? And like Canada, we could always do positive tickets-you did something good, here's some fucking money.

But four of the biggest lies we have to overcome are:

-that we have to work.

We have to work...together. We have to work to build a better world. Like, the actual physical and mental efforts that will be required to set up this...better world we have before us is insane! It will WRECK US! I do NOT deny that. But it will be worth it. Our work will have MEANING. We will create a world where everyone has the basics to survive. To travel. To get online. Tech and AI will replace....80% of the jobs in the next generation and 1/2. That's not pulled from my ass-those are real professional estimates. And it's cheaper, so why not ? Therefore, we need to aim to go with this new curve, play into it, and adjust ALL of society accordingly. It's not like this is something where I get magically rich. It's where we all magically win. There's like, no losers, except for those who were wrecking it before.

-that anarchy and the free market will be the best option.

No. It will lead to new, smaller, more powerful, kingdoms. That's it. Humans are social creatures, and if we are told the world as we know it is gone, we will HORDE any and all resources. Making new dictators. Then new slaves. Then new armies...and we start ALL OVER AGAIN. Because free market and anarchy are almost always embraced by 1 type of people: those who are already prepared and could easily survive in that world. Not the single mom, working 2 jobs, in Flint. Nope. She hasn't got time to think hardly at all, but it's cool to doom her? Because you know it would.

-that we NEED government or DO NOT NEED government.

Because at the heart of both of them are lies. 'Government' is just a group of people in power. Now, the questions of HOW they got to power, HOW much power, and HOW long they have power are the more important than anything to find its' validity. Because no government federally, state, city...you'll still make your own government. In your surrounding areas....neighborhoods....even house. People need guidance, from each other. To survive (with no main government). So 'government' will always exist on some level. What exactly it does, and how much it benefits us is what we need to ponder if to keep it, or replace it. I say replace it. If we seem to find good ideas in the old, we can bring them back eventually. Remember-every single human that ever existed was FLAWED in some way, humans wrote the Constitution, therefore, even in a small part, the Constitution is flawed....And whatever new world we create will be flawed in its' own way. That's why it needs to be always flexible with what the world needs, not stagnate like most systems have been for centuries. Make the system always answer directly to the people so they literally only have themselves to praise or blame.

-that there's one way to live life.

Nope. Kids, no kids. Career, wanderer. Lover, critic. As long as you don't live your life trying to make other's lives worse, there's no wrong way to live life. Period.

-that I'm 100% right on any of this.

I believe I am. But who the fuck knows?

#cop #cops #police #america #government #federal government #crime #money #rich #elite #life #religion #work #white #killing #murder

0 notes