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#who did something

why did i just gain 20+ followers in 5 mins…

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so, anyone remember that time i was so frustrated that i was always being sorted into either ravenclaw or slytherin depending on the sorter? so i decided to use pottermore to solve the problem forever?

and then it sorted me into ‘house leg’ and i was even more confused than i was when i started.

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Julie and The Phantoms really gave me a son who is estranged from his parents but misses them So Much and its Messy but he Loves them and they Love him and both would die to fix it but can’t to the lyrics of “ When things got loud//One of us running out//I should have turned around//But I had too much pride” and “ If you could only know//I never let you go//And the words I most regret// Are the ones I never meant to leave [ unsaid] “ and “ Silent days//Mysteries and mistakes///Who’d be the first to break?//Guess we’re alike that way “ and expects me to be okay with that??? Like Hello???? Don’t you know who I am??? HOW VERY MUCH DARE brb crying

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“it’s unlikely for endogenic systems to exist given of our current understanding of what causes systems to form” and “harassing a system and forcing them to uncover, disclose, and ‘deal with’ trauma that they may or may not have is cruel and psychologically damaging” and “singlets aren’t in a place to decide who does and doesn’t count as a system” are all ideas that can and should coexist.

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someday I’m going to get it into my head that whenever I post fiction (or anything I have worked on) it is probably not going to be the moment when everyone realizes I’m not that good at writing (or whatever) and I don’t know what I’m doing.  this honestly isn’t that bad?  like, I definitely have this thought a lot but it’s become routine, like, “well I am going to post anyway so there.”  and like, rationally, I do think I’m a pretty good writer, not because I love my writing The Most, but because I like it well enough and because other people enjoy it enough to read what is frankly far too many words, and what does “being a good writer” mean, really, if it doesn’t mean “being engaging and entertaining with words.”  I was never going for deep literary merit here; I just wanna have fun and maybe also talk about stuff I think is important.

but it is a very annoying little mental popup to have to x out all the time, and I really wish I could do that thing with my impostor syndrome that’s like HAHA I AM PULLING THE WOOL OVER EVERYONE’S EYES BY BRILLIANTLY CONVINCING THEM THAT I WRITE GOOD!!!  if only!  how does anyone do that while avoiding the crushing guilt of dishonesty and/or Breaking A Rule???  I can’t even imagine.

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when you think your friends are coming by to pick you up to go to mcdonald’s or just spend the evening and talk or some shit cause you’ve been telling them about how depressed you’re feeling lately and you feel like you’re suffocating in your room and you’ve been looking forward to it all day and it’s the first time you got dressed in a week

but then they’re at your door and you’re like “so how long are we gonna be out tonight or should I just sleep over at yours?” and your friends like “uh…” cause turns out they just came by to drop off some stuff you forgot at theirs and they drive off to pick up another friend and go to mcdonald’s

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an honest answer that is fandom critical, so here goes: bitterness and hurt is consuming people to the point where the discussion is getting out of control, is my only reason. people are trying to moralize something (namely Dean himself, and the connections he makes) that isn’t about morality, it’s about transcendence. 

and because there’s this massive schism between sides regarding various ships, that speech has become a battleground and is being lost in the crossfire (one side not willing to hold onto its selfless importance unless they can force it to change shape, another side negating what it means to Dean and his motivation, when the fundamental meaning of it is about Dean as a human being. we didn’t need to be told that, but hearing it anyway carries weight despite how it’s unraveled in some spheres). I’ve said that the context is devastating while the content is beautiful and important, and I stand by that. I doubt I need to restate my hurt over Dean and how real of a grief it is, but fandom insisting on snatching away pieces of him worsens it and makes it even more impossible to heal. (I feel bad because I have officially hit the breaking point of unfollowing people who love him and who are in deep mourning with me, but are hateful of the things that are essential to him, his actions, his closest bonds, because it is too much damage for me to handle. I can’t take seeing his essence shredded when we already lost him in a brutal way.) I also feel like people simply don’t want to see that love is not always easy, clean, and pretty. Dean’s existence as an emblem of love doesn’t mean it’s fundamentally pure or without mistakes or without trauma - it’s the fact that it isn’t DEFINED by those aspects, it is defined by something so much greater than that. trying to box it in or shame/negate portions of it only fragments him in an unfair way. humanity itself is not easily defined. love is not clear cut, black and white, wrong and right - it’s layered and complicated and frustrating and consoling and full of potential. love does not have a singular meaning, its meanings are myriad. people can hurt you, and you can hurt people, and you can make amends, or not talk about it, and still love them with every breath. some of it is innate, some of it is instilled, it doesn’t mean any of it is less real or important.

what he did and was and is was defined by his capacity for brave, trembling, ferocious, tender, irrevocable love. if that means something to you? you’re allowed to hold onto it.

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I just need to ramble and feel better doing that in the tags so….

#there’s this tiktok trend going around where you stitch the original and talk about something your mom said to you that’s never left you#and I don’t make videos and anyway even if I did she follows me on there so I wouldn’t do this one#but mine is ‘who are you trying to impress?’#there’s no specific context because she said it multiple times#every time I spent more than 10 minutes trying to figure out what to wear#or when I asked to use my birthday money to get some makeup to try#she would ask ‘who are you trying to impress?’#and it would make me feel so stupid#and I still hear those words in my head any time I attempt to put any real effort into my appearance#any time I try to practice makeup I hear those words and end up wiping it off because I suddenly feel like a clown#any time I go to try something on in a dressing room#or when I put on a dress#or do anything other than wear a T-shirt and jeans and a sweatshirt#I cover myself up because then I don’t feel ridiculous for ‘trying to impress’ anyone#because I’m really not very pretty in the first place and makeup and clothes don’t help#no one would be impressed anyway so it’s stupid to try#having those words in my head have taken a huge toll on my self confidence over the years and I genuinely don’t know how to change that#oh and there’s another thing that comes to mind every time I see one of those videos#it’s not a specific phrase but when I was little I used to journal a lot#and my mom on a few occasions told me that she read what was in there and made fun of me for what i wrote#I was only like 6 or 7 so it wasn’t anything super important#but I can’t journal anymore because I get really embarrassed by what I write#I love owning journals and I have several pretty ones that I can’t bring myself to write in#because if someone were to read it I’d feel really stupid#I love my mom and we have a great relationship now#but things she said will stick with me forever#just.... be careful what you say to kids
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