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faewhump · 4 years

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Unseelie Pet: 25. Chapter

Lady Áine reflects about her position as Malachi’s vassal and the change she observed in Alex.

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Content warnings: mentions of torture, mentions of whipping, mentions of dubcon, mentions of abuse, dehumanisation, captor bonding

Tagging: @astrobly @galaxywhump @slaintetowhump @castielamigos-whump-side-blog @whumpsideblog @thewhiteraven73 @ohmywhump @u-n-o-f-f-i-c-i-a-l @a-terrible-pun @deluxewhump @ariirenn @frnkieroismydaddy @insanitywishes @swordkallya

In a way Lady Áine’s strong magic was both a blessing and a curse at once. Of course being powerful had it’s advantages in the cruel and backstabbing world that Court life could be, there were only very few faeries that would dare to fight her. But at the same time it bore the great risk of attracting the attention of older and even more powerful Fae. Áine had never minded standing back and letting others scheme and struggle for power, happy to just be left to live in peace. Unfortunately, that comfortable life hadn’t lasted long once Lord Dara had taken note of her magical strength.

He had been one of the most influential Fae at the Court at the time, and when she repeatedly refused to swear him her loyalty, he began to view her as a potential threat and decided to remove her rather sooner than later. In the end it had been a visiting Fae that had saved her life and offered her a place at his Court, under the condition that she would repay the debt through her service. It hadn’t been what Áine wanted, but ultimately she didn’t have any other choice than to accept Lord Malachi’s offer.

He wasn’t the worst High Fae to be obligated to, he generally treated his vassals with respect and had never been anything but polite to her. And yet, if it weren’t for her debt to him, she would leave this Court immediately. She had thought that the faeries at the Court she’d grown up at were bloodthirsty, but it had been nothing against the pure sadism the inhabitants of this palace showed towards their captured humans. When she’d arrived there had been talk about Malachi having killed his previous ‘pet’ only recently, and in a way she’d been glad that it hadn’t been around anymore and that he seemed disinterested in taking another.

But then Kieran had stumbled into the Court. She knew that ‘Kieran’ wasn’t the human’s actual name, but unlike Malachi she felt uncomfortable referring to him just as ‘the pet’ in her head. Of course Kieran wasn’t the first pet she’d healed, many faeries at the palace relied on her for that service. As much as she hated fixing up the poor humans just so their owners could break them again, there was no way she could refuse and leave them to slowly die of their increasingly worsening wounds.

When she’d first heard that Malachi had taken a pet again she’d expected to be called right away, already dreading to be confronted with the kind of mess her lord usually left behind after torturing an insubordinate faerie. But instead it had taken over a month until Malachi had required her to look at his pet, and only for her to detect self-inflicted malnutrition. She still had mixed feelings about that day, on the one had she felt guilty for being the one who had uncovered Kieran’s deceit and thereby condemned him to discipline, but on the other she was glad that he’d been eating more healthily since then.

By now she’d tended to the human many times, the instances becoming more and more frequent with every passing month. At first it had been wounds caused by outsiders or accidents, then those that stemmed from punishments, and recently even ones Malachi had inflicted for nothing but his own pleasure. Thankfully, the injuries were never severe, or even close to life threatening, and mostly consisted of shallow cuts and bruises that stuck to non-dangerous areas. It appeared that Malachi had learned well from the shock of his previous pet’s death and was now careful as to not make a similar mistake again.

Overall Kieran made a quite healthy impression, especially compared to the pets of other faeries. He always wore clean clothes, was fed a plentiful diet, and even got to go outside, albeit only at the end of a leash. His room was comfortable and contained many different things for him to entertain himself with, and Malachi gave him lots of attention as well. He seemed satisfied, happy even. And yet Áine felt nothing but pity and sadness whenever she saw him.

This time Malachi had punished him for talking back, and it took Áine all of her self-control to contain her anger at the way Kieran clung to him while she healed the whip marks on his back. There was something about this that struck her as particularly sickening; Kieran shouldn’t seek comfort from the person that abused him. What made things even worse was that he’d clearly known that before, she remembered the way he had twisted away from Malachi’s touch and reassurances at the beginning. But now there was none of that left anymore.

“Hush, sweetheart, hush,” Malachi soothed the crying human in his lap. “You took your punishment so well, I’m very proud of you.”

“Thank you, master,” Kieran sniffled, and Áine cringed.

“Is there anything else, my lord?” she asked stiffly.

Malachi smiled at her. “Yes, please have a look at my pet’s wrists as well, the silly thing couldn’t keep still enough last night.”

Kieran blushed and obediently held his hands out to Áine, who fought to swallow the bile rising in her throat, unwilling to even think of what situation had caused his wrists to become so chafed by restraints.

“I’m sorry, master,” Kieran mumbled, glancing up at Malachi with wide eyes.

Malachi chuckled. “Not to worry, my love,” he reassured and pressed a kiss against his pet’s head.

Áine hated the adoration in Kieran’s eyes, hated the way he melted into Malachi’s touch, hated how he preened at the attention. He didn’t even seem to mind that the Fae had hurt him only a short while ago, if anything he seemed more embarrassed by the fact that he that needed to be healed at all. Of course Áine was glad that he appeared to be happy, but it did come at quite the price. In a way it was just incredibly saddening to see how even one of the most stubborn and wilful humans caved in eventually.

Kieran had held up so well in the beginning, only pretending to give in to lull Malachi into a false sense of security, and had even tried to run away multiple times. But something had happened after that last escape attempt, something that had turned him into a docile lap pet for good. She didn’t know whether it had been the shock of what Darerca had done to him, the week he’d been isolated afterwards, or the mark that Malachi had carved into his shoulder. Maybe it had been a combination of the three, coupled with the sickeningly sweet affection the Fae showered him in.

With how attached to and imprinted on Malachi the human seemed, Áine couldn’t help but hope that her lord wouldn’t be as fickle in his affections as some of the other faeries were. Kieran was so utterly dependant on Malachi, Áine held do doubt that it would break him to be cast aside now. She’d seen it happen before, discarded pets being sold off to another faerie despite begging their owners not to, or simply dying of neglect eventually. Áine clenched her teeth, swearing to herself that she would never let that happen to Kieran.

Suddenly, an idea formed in her mind. What if, once Malachi lost interest, she somehow managed to convince him to give his pet to her? She glanced at Kieran who looked up at her so vulnerable and trusting as she healed his chafed wrists. She could help him forget all the horrible things he had gone through with her magic, help him forget Malachi and bring him back to the human world. There he could live out his life happily, untroubled by what had happened. Though of course she would only remove his memories with his permission, unless his pain over the separation was too strong...

“Thank you, Lady Áine,” Malachi said. “You may be dismissed for now.”

“You’re welcome, Lord Malachi,” Áine replied and turned to leave. Throwing one last glance over her shoulder she looked at Kieran whose attention was solely focussed on Malachi again.

I’ll get you out of here, Áine thought, No matter how long it takes until Malachi loses his interest, I promise I will make sure you get back home.

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funface2 · 5 years

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Paul Merton’s 36 best jokes and funniest one-liners from Have I Got News for You – iNews

He’s a mainstay of long-running panel show Have I Got News For You, and now funny-man Paul Merton is on a mission to unearth long-lost ancestors as part of BBC One’s Who Do You Think You Are?

To celebrate the quick-quipper’s nearly 40-year career, we’ve compiled almost as many of his best jokes and one-liners from his work on HIGNFY and beyond.

“I’m always amazed to hear of air crash victims so badly mutilated that they have to be identified by their dental records. What I can’t understand is, if they don’t know who you are, how do they know who your dentist is?”

Angus Deayton: “And did you chat with the Queen Mother?” Paul Merton: “We talked about you.” Angus Deayton: “No, you didn’t.” Paul Merton: “Yes, we did.” Angus Deayton: “What did she say about me?” Paul Merton: “I’ve never heard such language in all my life.”

“I’ll never forget my first experience of swede. It was at school and I thought I was getting mashed potato. I’ve never got over it.”

“If you stay in a house and you go to the bathroom and there’s no toilet paper, you can always slide down the banisters. Don’t tell me you haven’t done it.”

“I don’t consider myself a fashion victim. I consider fashion a victim of me.”

Ian Hislop: “And they’re behind Theresa May like Stormtroopers!” Paul Merton: “You’re having one of your turns again, Ian! You asked us to tell you when it happens! His nose bleeds when he has to deal with Popular Culture…”

“I think Iran and Iraq had a war simply because their names are so similar. They keep getting each other’s post.”

(Photo: BBC)

“Every story ever written’s in the Dictionary! You just have to put the words in the right order.”

“Gromit is one of the great silent comedians. He’s up there with Buster Keaton and Charlie Chaplin. He may even be above them, because he’s still working.”

Sean Lock: “Only 2% of people go to church in this country.” Paul Merton: “And they’re priests!”

Jacob Rees-Mogg: “We know the plan! We are going to leave the EU! Brexit means Brexit!” Paul Merton: “That’s the Aim! What’s the plan?”

“My school days were the happiest days of my life, which should give you some indication of the misery I’ve endured over the past 25 years.”

“All disc jockeys are without talent. Noel Edmonds – I can’t stand Noel Edmonds.”

“Bono was up on stage saying ‘Every time I click my fingers, a child dies!’ and someone yelled ‘Well, stop clicking your fingers, then!’”

“The first Underground station ever opened was Baker Street in 1906. What was the point of that? Where would you go?”

[On Chris Evans] “He’s got the look of a comedian but without the talent or the writing ability or the timing.”

(Photo: Getty)

“On my first day in New York a guy asked me if I knew where Central Park was. When I told him I didn’t, he said: ‘Do you mind if I mug you here?’”

Clive Anderson: “Do you still live in Islington as well, Boris?” Boris Johnson: “Partly, yes.” Paul Merton: “I don’t think you live on the planet Earth, never mind Islington!”

“It’s amazing how many people think they’ve got dignity to lose, isn’t it?”

[On the Queen at Harry and Meghan’s reception] “She’ll have a footman chucking cheesy Wotsits at her.”

“Am I the only one who’s always tempted to light the wick on top of a beret?”

“My aunt died at precisely 10.47am and the old grandfather clock stopped at precisely the same time also. It fell on her.”

“Anne Widdecombe is the Odd One Out because she’s the only one holding a Decapitated Barn Owl.”

“There are various ways to give up smoking – nicotine patches, nicotine gum. My auntie used to pour a gallon of petrol over herself every morning.”

Frankie Boyle: “A new Superbreed of Sex-Mad, Sleepless Slugs has arrived from Spain.” Paul Merton: “Ah, an Alliterative Threat!”

(Photo: BBC)

“My hair’s got a life of its own. Last week I found it in the kitchen, making an omelette…”

[On reading the A to Z] “Can’t wait to see what happens at the end. The characters aren’t up to much but the places, they seem so real.”

“I used to go out with a giraffe. Used to take it to the pictures and that. You’d always get some bloke complaining that he couldn’t see the screen. It’s a giraffe, mate. What do you expect? ‘Well he can take his hat off for a start!’”

“Mugabe is a Yorkshireman in reverse. Because his name is Ee by gum backwards. 37 years waiting for that laugh…”

“You’ve heard of Sheep gambolling in the meadows, well it was Poker they were playing!”

Paul Merton: “He doesn’t look old enough to have been a Milkman for 50 years!” Host: “They start them very young there. As soon as you can reach the udder, you’re away.” Paul Merton: “That’s not just Milkmen. For many people, that’s a good night out!”

“It’s silly to make generalisations, but if you talk to anyone in the south for longer than five minutes, they will try to sell you fruit.”

Paul Merton: “There are other reasons for squinting in bed, of course.” Angus Deayton: “Such as?” Paul Merton: “Use your imagination, Angus! We’d send out a search party for it, but they’d never come back!”

“Michael Gove! That is how a man dresses when his wife doesn’t see him leaving the house.”

(Photo: BBC)

Host: “But who would have loved to have been there? Justin O’ Schmidt!” Paul Merton: “Did the vicar drop him at the Baptism?”

“I’ve never been disappointed by politicians. I’ve never invested that much in them in the first place.”

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And some hilarious quotes:

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Bài viết Paul Merton’s 36 best jokes and funniest one-liners from Have I Got News for You – iNews đã xuất hiện đầu tiên vào ngày Funface.

from Funface https://funface.net/funny-quotes/paul-mertons-36-best-jokes-and-funniest-one-liners-from-have-i-got-news-for-you-inews/

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