#who tf am I I hate myself

[iwaasfairy]

some of you know that i don't like tiktok n it has many reasons but i have had a rant brewing in regards to it for a while and it's definitely extremely prevalent on tiktok

it is not your place to judge people's relationships, even the toxic ones

i know we all go like "yeah duhh" but i want you to actually take in what i'm saying. it's not your place. just because they exist in an age where things can be found online, doesn't mean it's your place. people are allowed to have the human experience. people are allowed to fall in love with the wrong people, and people are allowed to have toxic experiences and people are allowed to be stupid and make mistakes, even public ones

definitely if the person in question is a young woman. like genuinely, i think there is nothing more disrespectful and ironically, anti woman than determining for some young woman that she shouldn't be in a relationship with some older dude. it's not up to you. yea maybe she's making a mistake and will regret in in 3 years, and so fucking what? that's life. young women are able to choose, for themselves, even if the choice is stupid.

billy dating that goofy fucking dude and getting so much shit for it bc what? she whose wrong? yea, i'm pretty sure she made a conscious choice, so stop. she'll survive her mistake. trying to keep young women from experiencing life, even the bad parts of life, isn't doing anyone a fucking favor. its just dismissive of the fact that they can make their own choices for fuck sake.

some nineteen year old ending up married to her high school teacher because they wanted to, getting called out because it's weird and creepy? they're living their lives. who are you to criticize random people? even if it is weird. even if it is true. it's not your fucking place.

a thirty year old woman married to a seventy year old guy and they are living their life and existing in a space where people can see it, but now suddenly it has to be called out bc that's toxic and gross. ok, it's also not your fucking relationship. stop butting in where you're not asked. it is so unbelievably disrespectful and honestly, i'm sick of seeing it. everyone needs to keep their nose in their own business

the easy access of drama on tiktok has made everyone believe that everything is drama that you should stick your nose into. it's not. other people's lives and mistakes shouldn't be your entertainment. young women making bad choices for themselves isn't a hill you need to die on. you aren't being an ally. you aren't being a feminist. you aren't being appropriate.

it isn't your place. it isn't your place. i'm sick of it

#tw.rant #tw rant #i'm sorry i just;;; am getting really tired of #liberal or leftist youtubers acting like #them talking about normal people who's drama blew up #is allyship to anyone #young women can date and make the wrong choice #and it still aint any of your fucking business when they do realize #they made a mistake #if no one is committing a crime #leave them tf alone #leave gold diggers alone #leave toxic age gaps alone #leave weirdos w weird kinks alone #leave people with values that arent yours alone #you can warn once (1ce)! and then they can make their own choices #as a young woman myself who has actively dated much older men #i hate the fucking fake activism people engage in talking about age gaps #i knew with my big grown up brain what i was doing ok #most young women know

[sillybouquetoflillies]

i keep thinking i rly didnt go thru that much growing up, but idk, everytime i tell someone abt my life, they say i did and kinda just like sit in shock abt it. am i just internet brained or smth, or am i just dramatic?? i rly dont think ive earned a lot of the symtoms of someone who was traumatized that i have. or maybe i havent been in a safe place for long enough to process things??? i dunno. maybe someday far away in the future ill figure things out

#i let myself sit n accept that i did go thru smth.. maybe that i didnt totally remember or that i blurred out the details of n idk #i keep feeling like an imposter n like i shouldnt be feeling it. i didnt rly like how ive been acting #but like also i let a lot of stuff out of the box in my brain doing that n idk how 2 put it back or deal with it #so now i just feel like a half untangled mess with 0 stability bc in that 'growth n discovery' period i realized almost everyone in my life #wasnt someone i wanted 2 keep around #so now its rly just me n my bestie that r close n i keep everyone else at arms length #how tf did i get on rambling abt this omggg #ugh i am srsly such a mess n i cant find the root n i think thats whats freaking me out the most #i hate not being able 2 explain why im feeling a certain type of way or justify it in anyway #i just wanna feel okay n stable n be a fun person 2 be around again!!!! #i wanna be completely independent but like.... everything is so expensive n i have no interest in anything that would pay well #i wish my sw stuff would take off but i think im too messy 4 ppl 2 wanna stick around n also i dont think im super attractive unfortunately #I DUNNO #i dont have any answers atm n its freaking me out #i either wanna figure out how to be okay with not having answers or to get the answers and solve my problems #n i also dont wanna depend on other ppl 2 solve them for me #i just wanna be a whole.. well rounded person who can take care of themselves n do what i want #while also being a cute puppy thats rly rly rly fun 2 play with n is super helpful n supportive 2 the ppl it cares abt 🥰 #i am so sick of these silly dumb messy fears n emotions that keep me stuck in boring ruts #i wanna go out n have my own fun n be my own person n stop being so scared of everything!!!!! #its okay if things go bad!!!! its just more stories 2 tell ppl!!!! ppl love my stories!!!! ugh i just needa put myself out there #i just needa find smth fun 2 do that keeps me around fun ppl #i just dont know what yet #concerts r fun but idk no one super interesting is touring here rn n i need smth more frequent #ok i think this ramble is ovr #im rly sry if ur reading this!!!! i love u vry much n hope ur having a wonderful day!!!!!!!!!

[shyspider]

I hope its not too weird of me to come out and say this but I hope you're doing okay. I've seen some of the things you've said and that you're not feeling yourself and I want you to know that its okay to take breaks and time to yourself. I hope you're putting yourself first........ and drink water.

I'm drinking black coffee straight from the pot - is that the same?

Okay but no seriously, I teared up some and of course I'm going to deflect with humor and say everything is just a struggle right now but I'll be okay. But I've been saying I'll be okay for months and I'm still trying to get out of this funk. I don't like getting personal and would rather suffer silently, but fuck it - new year. I'm stepping out of my comfort zone for a hot minute.

I'm grieving. No one died. Just the dynamics of a relationship changed, and it's affected me deeply. I AM putting myself first, and that's why it hurts. It's affected my writing (thank the muses I spent my hiatus finishing the fics so I have stuff to post) where I struggle to focus. I struggle answering comments with that ❤️ energy I like putting out in the world. I struggle with thinking about Transformers, because that person cultivated my love for them, and is deeply tied to it all.

I'm actively working towards healing. I'm determined to be okay, someday. I just hate that it might take a while. I'll still post regularly, but I'm sorry I haven't been putting out the positive vibes, lately.

#to be clear: this person is NOT anyone I know on the internet so none of yall think I'm vagueposting about you #This is someone directly in my life who was very close to me #And I'm sorry to all my friends in my DM who had no idea - I struggle with talking about myself and opening up #I have a hard time opening up about my feelings and what I'm going through - so this is a kinda scary post for me to put out there #I actually haven't written anything of substance for MONTHS because of this #I decided recently try to get back into writing by working on a non TF fic - still in early phases but there's a playlist so its a go #And I'm trying to start the new year with making changes to myself to get out of this pit #I am a work in progress #But anon thank you for noticing - I feel seen and I hate it 😘 gonna crawl back under my rock and hide #Shyspider personal #Anon asks #Shyspider answers

[non-un-topo]

Spending hours trying to figure out why I feel so irritable and sensitive today and I’m only realizing now it might have something to do w being invited to a birthday party full of an entire family I’ve never met and like seven very small children and the person inviting me assuming I would love that. I want to support her bc I like her and she’s family now, but I cannot---I will not---go to another family event and be pushed into the kitchen doing dishes with the women or cooing over someone’s baby who just stares at me and whines when I try to mask and say hello.

#my period ended so it ain't that. #maybe i'm a horrible person. i just want to be left alone for seven solid days. and i certainly do not want to be forced- #-to interact with children. they scare me. real bad. #maybe this also has something to do with my readings for this week and the fact that we're going to be discussing 'womanhood'. #like the subject is 'what IS a woman to you?' and i am not really looking forward to listening to 15 cis girls tell me- #-how awful it is and how much pain they themselves endured while entirely not acknowledging the existence of trans women #or gnc women. #why am i so irritable jfc. #every time i talk like this to my partner they give me that look lol. the look that's like 'uh huh. i know a trans person when i see one.' #and i'm like shhhhhhh. no. don't say that. shhhh. i don't want to be. i hate myself okay and my family scared me out of it. #wish i could fucking shapeshift. wish i was just fucking born with a dick and a flat chest. actually i wish i was two people. #so i could decide from day-to-day and not have to worry about irreversible changes. #how much of my alleged transness is just internalized misogyny? <- this is a question i ask very very quietly to myself #because i think it's what my mother thinks. and most of the world. #how do i learn to be comfortable AS a masculine woman? i have no one to look up to who can teach me or show me it's okay. #i have transmasc friends who are elated to go on T. i'm scared that they will make me want to do it again. why tf am i scared of that... #irreversible changes. society. literally everything. fucking hell............ #no one talks about this particular experience of gender. no one talks about the in-between and the immense fear. at least no one to me. #why am i even taking gender studies in university if every class is full of cis women who don't even know the terminology of transness #or of gender-expansiveness... #i think i've become a very sour person in the last few years. #need to vent through writing or something. like through fanfiction.

[silenthillbunni]

🚬🧸🧃🎀

#anyway so yeah im so sick of hating myself. of missing out on things and being too scared to go after things i want when i have the chance #so sick of almost being 25 and having spent almost 6 years alone in my room missing out on life #and my mom and sister might be moving in the not too distant future #so i have to try to get my life together for real now!!! or homelessness will be awaiting me :D #what i will try to do.. is start going to the gym (w my mom so i dont have to deal w the anxiety of an unknown place by myself sksk) #i'll workout 3-5 times a week. every week. i like going to the gym so if i just get started i dont have a doubt i'll not be able to do it #i'll focus on finishing my english class. hopefully in december even if i have the possibility to get it extended a few months #then i'll start my other 4 classes in january #i'll be patient and wait for my ultrasound and get the gallstone situation fixed (latest in january if i need surgery) #(and i have to try to make sure i eat properly so i dont wind up with b12 deficiency... i cant eat anything without pain but i have to..) #also i have an appt at the psychiatric in mid october. and im still waiting on what my healthcare center says. hopefully i can get cbt #if possible i will really really try to apply for jobs as a personal assistant sometime between january-may #if i have a job instead of being on wellfare i will 1) have way more money 2) not feel constabtly anxious abt being rejected and homeless #i'll stop caring abt me being 'old' and a late bloomer. the planet is dying. who cares if im 28 and start university???? #i'll take my time to finish high school. and the thing is i really should get a job before starting higher vocational education #bc the program i want to start i HAVE to have a laptop. and theres no way i can afford that now. cant even save up to it #also need to find and put myself up on waiting lists for student housing/apartments so i can actually move #i hate this city and i need to get the fuck out of here!!!! #but the world is crazy rn and it's super hard to find places to live and find jobs but it's not impossible so i need to try #i cant live like this & i have no idea how tf i'll manage to be a normal person and have a life but i need to try bc what else am i gnna do?

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#i spend so mad god damn time bitching on this website. its bc i dont talk to ppl. whens the last time i had a non functional conversation? #uuuuhhh last weekend or maybe the weekend before that? so like i gotta complain somewhere. so if i stop complaining u can assume i made #friends lmao. ugh. its just. im worried. im worried abt how this semester is gonna go. how this phd program is gonna go #bc i spent the last 2 years destroying myself. realized ive gotta stop doing that. haven't figured out how to stop and now im gonna triple #the amount of pressure im under while trying to do things in a more healthy way. its just like. it objectively doesnt seem like a formula #for good things to happen. im more worried for how catastrophic its gonna b on my brain than i am abt the things i think most ppl would b #concerned abt. like im not worried abt planning and executing a project or teaching beyond fear of the unknown #its like. ive done these things before. theyre difficult but u make due and tackle the problems. but when it comes to: how to maintain a #healthy school/life balance? i dont even kno where to start with that. i just dont bc when u have a learning disability things just take #more time but like how much time is too much? where does it end? i dont kno how to manage it and i dont wanna hate my project by the end #of this. i want to b excited and not paralyzed bc im afraid i cant change my behavior and its gonna kill me #and im worried bc im meeting with my advisor for the 1st time since march before i agreed to join thr lab and have i prepared for this #project which is almost complete unrelated to what i did in my last lab? no bc ive been managing data and im still not done managing data #bc i cant focus bc i collected that data in a way that was actively self destructive. and i mean i kno itll b fine. thr guy seems nice i #just hate that im showing up devoid of enthusiasm bc its all been drowned out by the fear. and thats also gonna make teaching a problem #bc its hard to b excited abt things when there's a hole in your chest and ur desperate for someone to tell u how to fix it. but idk helping #ppl does usually make me feel better so maybe itll b a good thing. forgot how much i feel like im dying when i sit in meetings and #classroom tho lol. god its been 2yrs since i was a student. classes feel like such bullshit now. and yet if i dont get all As i might die #my students better b good. i have the 1st lab section bc thr lead ta couldnt do that time. so im the trial lab and i start fucking Monday #who tf does labs the 1st week of class? ugh. also its an intro bio so like 2/3 of thr class r freshman. lil bby 18yos and some r non bio #majors. and ive been warned that sometimes there r problems with ppl who don't believe in evolution and cause problems. pls let my classes #b good. im not that worried. its just gonna b annoying as fuck. im not good at being authoritative #ugh. i should b reading papers so i dont look like too much of an idiot tomorrow. itll b fine im just an anxious freak. a lil over a week #until i can try to find a therapist. probably seek medication bc i dont kno how else to stop this bullshit. annoying. i grew up with a dad #who gets anxious abt the idea of taking too much medication when he tskes a single ibuprofen. in this household we feel pain and then we #die miserable. this is all his fault. we have the same brain.im just a lil more irradidic than him #its so funny i say that bc im like the least irradic person ever. i do the same things every god damn day. im just irradic in terms of #sometimes i feel like my brain is on fire and im a cry bby lol #whatever. enough bitching. ive got papers to read. or maybe ill just go to bed and read them tomorrow 🙄 #unrelated

[local-limebug]

what the fuck is up with the rise in trans hate how are people this sensitive about what someone else wants to do with their own body

#limebug.txt #literally its my life and i can live it however i want #and if the people around me try to stop me i WILL cut them off idc who they are i'm sorry #just fucking. let people live. god #if i let my hate win the way bigots let theirs win i'd be fucking lynched by religious mobs #insult my identity and i have to deal with it cause its your freedom of speech but i insult yours and i'm gonna go to a fake bad place?? #god i hate religious people sometimes #so many transphobes either call it a mental illness or hate it because god said so and both of those are such STUPID takes #religion. well thats self explanatory #but mental illness?? #that tells me everything i need to know about what they think of actual mentally ill people too #you wanna stop ppl from transitioning because its mental illness?? gonna take away bodily autonomy from other mentally ill ppl too now?? #and ik they do with institutionalization and shit but that's such bs too #people deserve help but they only need to be locked up if they are hurting someone else #that's my controversial opinion for the day: people who only harm themselves dont deserve to have their autonomy taken away #even if they are hurting themselves. you can try to help but if someone doesnt want help then leave them tf alone #and what really differentiaties piercings and tattoos from 'self mutilation' anyway #'god made you one way you cant change' fucking cry about it. humans have made the technology and i am going to utilize it #i will desecrate the face of god without hesitation. #i will mutilate myself gladly. i should have the legally protected right to mutilate myself because it falls under bodily autonomy. #transphobes are not the brightest

[fandomsoda]

Realizing something about a situation that definitely is the most reasonable explanation and was clarified to me a while beforehand. Sure there are what-ifs and it could actually be worse than I think now but tbh it’s probably not and I’ve probably been overreacting god kill me

#can my emotions please chill tf out for like a split second #like I don’t think my panic was fully irrational #but still #I feel guilty and stupid #Humans are built to be burdens #but I still hate myself for worrying too much #And jumping to conclusions #fuck me with a rusty razor I probably only made the situation worse #how do y’all put up with me #“I go no-contact sometimes” yeah that probably includes blocking everyone doesn’t it and would explain the situation perfectly #But of course I’ve gotta freak out like I didn’t know this shit already #To who this situation is about (you know who you are and you might see this eventually) I am so fucking sorry my dude #you’ve done nothing wrong I’m just an idiot

[manofmanymons]

.

#mom said it's my turn on the tags vent #so like #sometimes i trick myself into thinking #i cant have any mento iwness #i do well in school #bc despite me jokingly referring to whatever tf is goin on with me as the Mental Illness #im not like #diagnosed with literally anything #not even like anxiety despite the constant sense of dread that never leaves me and the Frequent Panic Attacks #like officially on paper i am 'normal' #but i digress #i really gotta stop using how im doing in school as an indication of mental health #cuz ive come to accept that im just a person who happens to be Good At School #baby sam living through The Horrors? still did good in school #fuckinnn 9 years old having cps and the police showin up at my house askin me a bunch of weird questions #still did good in school #height of my 'actually i fucking hate all of you' phase where i was constantly in the office for getting in fights #STILL did really good in school #completely gave up on life and legitimately believed i would never be happy again bc the only person who unconditionally loved me— #and was always there for me fuckin died #still got all a's in nearly all ap classes #deeply traumatized from almost dying during the pandemic to the point where i couldn't go outside without hyperventilating instantly? #would ya believe it i still did good in school #so i should #really stop going #nothing can be that wrong with me if im getting through school #bc even during times where shit was objectively severely wrong with me #it had 0 impact on how i did in school #lowkey don't even know where to start unpacking whatevers goin on up there tho #where would i be if my parents had listened to my doctor when i was younger who said they should take me to a psychiatrist i wonder lmfao

[musical-chick-13]

Cannot BELIEVE I had to have a conversation with someone where, after I complained about people Not Wanting To Write About Women, I then had to explain that yes, I DO write about men sometimes, actually; no I don't hate men; yes I write from the POV of the men in numerous cases and also analyze them.

#I know this person's comments were not meant maliciously but like. still. wild. #no I am in fact not on some weird gender essentialist bullshit because I want to complain about how a bunch of people don't seem to #care about women in stories. 'well how many times do YOU write about men' YOU'D APPARENTLY BE SURPRISED ACTUALLY!!!!! #MORE OF THIS CURRENT PROJECT IS FROM THE MALE CHARACTER'S POV THAN THE FEMALE CHARACTER'S POV #(granted I couldn't like. TALK about said current project to this person because why tf would I do that to myself when the subject matter #is what it is and I need to retain some sense of self-preservation but like. still.) #(like I think I actually have a pretty even mix of things I write from a man's pov versus a woman's pov. it depends on what concept #I'm trying to write about and which character I think would best serve that end. why is this. a surprise to you.) #(I even thought about genderbending a m/m wip before deciding it really did work better as a m/m story based on what I was Trying To Say) #the reason that 'not all men' was so disparaged is not because we inherently hate men. it's because people were trying to take a #discussion about things that DISPROPORTIONATELY HAPPEN TO WOMEN and making it about not hurting the feelings of men who #are not involved in this. and I shouldn't even have to fucking explain this because SOMETIMES THINGS ARE JUST!! NOT ABOUT YOU!!!!!!!

[ginger-and-oliveoil]

. Tw

#tw negative #tw mental health #I hateeeee having a fucked up brain but I expecially hate it at night. I wanna sleep so fucking bad. #I NEED to sleep or else tomorrow I will be tired as shit and won’t function. #but my brain is like yea you should think about kys #and it’s like??? we’ve been over this?? #anyway I have been getting help at the uni services but the psychologist assessing me is like. a 60 yo that I don’t feel comfortable with #she’s nice and all but it feels like explaining my problems to my grandma #AND it’s online therapy and this house has paper-thin walls but where tf else would I do the sessions #so I think if anything it’s making shit worse #anyway I am lonely as fuck and I feel stupid lmaoo #also body stuff. I made the mistake of weighting myself a few weeks ago and it goes on a loop-de-loop on my brain #lmao I wish I could shut my brain off with a switch or something. can’t believe there’s people who just. feel normal often.

[sparxwrites]

“hey sparx how’ve you been” well thank you for asking! i’ve been weathering the fall of twitter, failing nanowrimo, eating pumpkin seeds, washing windows, listening to COUNTER/Weight purely because of a scarian fic that bit a chunk out of my heart, and lovingly harrassing my plants. how’re you??

#i will. be back in december #or earlier #or later #who tf knows #my brain is on 'real life and original projects' mode atm so #i am enjoying that and maybe being a bit quieter over here #blogging into the void #fr tho im frothing abt counterweight. sighs sighs. #and ALSO debating trying to catch up w critical role dgkfjdfjkghs #bc im insane and hate myself i guess

[gentleroads]

lord give me the strength to send these long overdue emails

#chiro.txt #i hate texting videoing emailing calling people i would literally rather always talk to someone face-to-face #i don't get stage fright i never hesitate speaking up to a stranger i am not afraid of confrontation irl #but once i can't see the face of who i'm talking to? ooooh boy #i'm shy i'm the shyest i've ever been & can't make myself say anything. this screen between us deranges me i've got performance anxiety #i Hate it!!!!! why can't i just be normal who tf am i stressing over for 😭😭

[possum-tooth]

happy wednesday i cannot wait until friday ~9p <3

#i get to see him again 🥰🥰🥰🥰 #i also took an edible a little bit ago so bear with me as i write my stream of consciousness <3 #anyway hi hello hi for the the llove of god Hello how are u i love you happy wet beast wednesday to those who celebrate. i hate not seeing #him now! whats WRONG with me!!!!!! wheres the cold hearted bitch i usually am.. theyre dead and i killed it >:) #anyway also very extremely dangerous knowledge that i can stay monday nights potentially too.. like girl what the fuck is going on #like i made it back w plenty of time.. pavloving myself methinks #maybe not pavlov idk man im high idk anything. anyway i cant wait for friday bc i get to See Him aagin + we're going to [redacted] #but i havent bought a ticket yet so im a leedle scared but. itll be fine. right. tell me itll be fine #Also in a dilemma. i have a concert coming up and other dude said he wanted to go but hasnt bought a ticket bc he doesnt #know if/when he'll get a job so he doesnt wana buy it then not be able to go but how do i ask in a nonannoying way. hey are u going or not. #i need an answer and soon bc im freaking out bc if i ask my bf if he wants to go and he Can then itll be weird maybe. idk maybe not?? #is it just me?? would it be weird to hang w ur bf and another person u met on a dating app?????? #apparently not tho i guess bc hes done it like twice w me so. maybe not?? idk and its driving me insane anyway #good god this edible is Hitting. its been like 20 min wtf #and this was cheap shit! like $8 for a 10 pk i think! and its knocking me on my ass tf!! #anyway. happy do you wear wigs wednesday i love you and hope your week is going well <3 if youve made it this far um. congrats ily #talk tag

[molotovmetro]

Every time my doorbell rings I feel like a guard dog. My head shoots up and I feel a mix of inexplicable fear and anger as well as the need to instantly tell someone about it

Still not gonna open the door though.

#idc who it is if you come to my door unannounced youre staying there #i am almost 21 years old. i am a brave adult capable of taking care of myself. if you ring the bell when mommy isnt home i will feel fear. #i hate it with a passion #i hear people talking who tf are you #bark bark bitch #leave me alone #molotov talks #theres been so many breakins in my neighbourhood lately #im not opening the door for anyone who doesn't have my number to let me know its them

[snekdood]

i feel like this guy rn about "heart shaped box"

#you ever *get* the message something is trying to convey w/o being able to express what its trying to convey with words #bc thats been me for years at this point sdhjvfvghssdhvgsgfdhvhvgfsdhvgfsd #omg i just realized.... this is how i am w my comic........ which is why i struggle so much with outlines or describing why things #happen or are a certain way #im very much a.... 'visuals' guy rather than a 'describing' guy... its why im writing a graphic novel and not just a novel novel. #i can convey themes and symbols with my art but not my words #honestly i need to stop demanding myself to describe shit that i already know what it looks like. #like when im writing a script i dont need to fuckin describe the setting im gonna fuckin draw it once the script is done anyways #and no ones gonna see the descriptions but me aND I ALREADY KNOW WHAT IT LOOKS LIKE-- ugh #i hate that i feel the need to do that otherwise im 'not a real writer' or whatever tf. like idk maybe i just create in a different way #than you do jackass #being both a writer and drawing/painting/comic/etc artist means i get to do whatever i want w my writing fuck you #maybe ppl who cant draw hafta use more words but i honestly dont fuckin need to so fuck off w your pretentious bs