i am so anxious right now, i mean i always am but right now its more then usual and i dont even know why, my whole existence is just a ball of anxiety. I think i’m just going to break if one more thing happens in my life. I got diagnosed with anxiety years ago and its getting worse lmao
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So the boy did end up asking me if I wanted to come to Italy with him. His family is going in may and he’s been that for several months but never made it clear if he would want me to come or not (his mom specifically said I was invited over thanksgiving). And then finally last week he asked if I wanted to join him.
I said I would have to see due to work. My team is only three people, plus one in training and one is already gone for most may so I had to check and see about coverage and making sure we could have two people out of the country at the same time. But he seemed to take it has a hard no. Bought his flights and started booking things but then would like show me his family Airbnb? And he’s going before he’s family for extra time and I’m still not sure if he’d want me to join just him or him and his family.
We then had this exchange
Which was especially annoying because he makes such a big deal about going for long enough to make the flight worth it. And had asked me after Japan about how he bet I wished I was there for longer. After I only joined him for half when he specifically only asked if I wanted to join for part.
And with the initially suggested dates it’s still not clear if he really wants me to join for the part with his family too. And like if you don’t could you just say so? Like I get that that’s kind of a hard thing to say and he might be kind of on the fence about it himself, but like I am asking this question of you point blank. And if there’s things being booked than the number of people going matters so you can just say that to.
I’ve also been feeling kind of wishy washy about the relationship as a whole lately but I’m unsure if that’s really the relationship or just general January SAD. Or just like that new relationship energy wearing off so it feels less fun in comparison. Like everything is fine but also boring and I keep getting my feelings hurt over dumb shit and crying over nothing, but nothing related to him. And I’m just not sure if I’m having enough fun to balance out the random crying. And yea everyone says relationships are hard and there’s nothing bad about it, but like why bother being in a relationship and putting in the work when I could just be single and not do that. Like is weekly sex and twice weekly dates really worth all this? And they say you’re supposed to date your best friend, and even after a year I don’t think I’d say that. He’s my best male friend for sure but that’s hardly a high bar. And idk it feels like it’s mostly a me thing and I don’t want to throw away a good thing just because I’m bored or am having unrealistic expectations of relationships. But I also keep questioning if I would be happier single. But maybe this is just the inner work required to be happy in a relationship and just because it’s not all sunshine and rainbows doesn’t mean it’s bad. But I also can’t keep randomly crying.
And then there’s the fact that I’ve already been to Italy. And while it would be fun to go again in some ways I’d rather go somewhere else. Like there’s a horseback riding trail in Portugal that I’ve been looking at for years and I could do that instead in October. But probably not both as I do not have unlimited money or vacation time. But he is really nice to travel with and Italy would be awesome. I last went in high school so it would be very different.
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me: i have anxiety about doctors
my mom: everyone has anxiety about doctors
me: no, they actually don't
my mom: okay no they probably don't, but i don't like going to the doctor either
me:
me: you know that's not the same, right? like you do understand that this is not the issue i'm having?
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Help I'm actively dreading this dinner lmao
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31.08.23
I keep thinking about coming back to posting online but every time I finally manage to fight the anxiety and make it back to this page, I draw up blank and end up leaving again...I suppose part of me is incredibly ashamed and embarrassed (about everything that my 'life' is/has been/become) whilst also being utterly exhausted and tired of hearing and saying the same things over and over again. I hate it.
This space was such a positive space for me in recovery in the past, it helped me beyond belief and I met some of the most incredible souls through it. Right now I need everything I can get. Life has been feeling incredibly heavy and hard for longer than I care to admit. I have not been okay (even typing that is hard) and I am finding it hard to see/believe that things can ever get better.
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the real reason I don't get the tram very often isnt because I don't live anywhere near it but because I'm going to spend the entire journey panicking that I didn't tap my card properly and I'm going to be given a hefty fine
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