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#why can’t i find one like this

I feel like there needs to be a name for the specific type of emotion you feel when you’re around other queer ppl who you aren’t out to but they keep calling you an ally and you just have to sit there and choke on your own tight smiles and silence 🙃

#like on the one hand i guess I haven’t given them reason to assume I’m queer (?????) but. i think this is way more presumptuous yknow#and also#there was a moment a while back where a sorta mutual friend just straight up asked me if I was gay#and I felt rlly bad lying so I said ‘no but—haha no but it’s whatever’ and in that split second I freaked myself out and didn’t say anything#so it’s like. I get why they’d think that I’m straight#but like. just bc I said I wasn’t gay doesn’t mean I’m not queer.#and I get that I sorta had a way of clarifying#like there was a perfect opening to be like ‘nope but I’m not straight either’ but I just got fucking scared#and I was sooooo unprepared for that. like it came so out of the blue#blegh. everything feels messy and I just feel sad :(#I feel such a simultaneous pressure to come out so I can feel better abt myself#but I haven’t explicitly like. come out to anyone in my life actually and that’s terrifying#here online I just kinda treat it as a fact#and even then I don’t love specifying a whole lot? I mean it’s pretty fuckin obvious if u read my tags and shit but I still find it#so difficult to even type out the phrase ‘I’m aro’ yknow? like idk. idk. I think I feel like I’m faking a lot and that really really sucks.#I think that one post summed it up really well: ‘you can’t really prove/be proud of a lack of something.’ idk if that was the exact wording#but my point still stands. idk. I think I’m being a lil over dramatic but sue me I’m fucking tired.#thanks for reading if anyone got this far.#mine#just some thoughts#about me
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