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swaggypsyduck · 1 year

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yor last ask reminded me of a friend of mine talking shit about maghrebis yesterday because "they always exclude egypt when talking about north africa" but not a word about egyptians constantly fetish specially moroccan women....

so i went to school w a few egyptians but most of them i knew from masjid settings. i remembered one time we were all having a post isha tims run and i made the joke "we're all north african here" and the whole group turned to look at me like i killed their parents. "we're not north african. we're african and middle-eastern" and one went "i mean yah we're in africa but we dont share any of ur culture". and i dont think ive felt so other in a group before?? bc then suddenly it was a "we're not like u attitude". they loved to speak their dialect around me and then go "guys stooop ray doesn't understand us" and giggle. as if egyptian media wasn't the forefront of arabian media for the last 80 years. i cant speak it. but i understand it perfectly well. but not a single one has made the effort to learn another dialect of arabic. "ur too french/colonized" as if it was our fault?? and even then i know so many moroccans here that dont speak french but it doesn't matter to them.

the fetishism of "maghrebi" (moroccan, algerian, tunisian) women is a HUGE issue in the middle east. i can't tell u the amount of middle-eastern guys ive just CASUALLY met at uni or gaming online that hyperfocus on the fact that im moroccan. "i love moroccan women" "ok, why?" "bc yall aren't like our women who dont do anything in the house and put make up on all day. u guys are actually good wives" is a conversation ive had way too many times. the misogyny to both groups of women is disgusting. and the fact they think we'd take it as a compliment and roll over like subservient lil house wives is mind boggling. when so many moroccan women in the gulf states r trafficked there and sold into prostitution.

and i kid u not at the masjid one time there was this new girl from oman who didn't know where i was from who said with complete seriousness "ugh r those women over there moroccan? i didn't know yall let ppl practice black magic in the house of god". when i tell u my friends hand immediately held mine to calm me down. that group of women was my mom and her friends who r a whole mix of moroccans, tunusians, algerians, and yemeni moms who bring tea and sweets to the mosque to share with eachother after prayer.

this isn't every egyptian or middle-eastern, clearly. my egyptian friend (she's perfect and i love her) had many words to say to those girls. and her parents are so welcoming and very proud to be african. i have so many friends from across the middle-east and i love them all so much, but sometimes they slip and say things that dont make me trust going to their house or meeting their parents.

#anon #asks #and guess what those girls were saying during the wc22: dima maghreb!! our north african brothers!!#and im just looking at them like 😐😐#cuz that is not what u said last week LOL

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likedbyuarmyhope · 2 years

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“our puppy jungkook.” - j-hope

bon voyage cr. miintae | in the soop cr. jung hyun ran | season’s greetings cr. dwellingsouls

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lizardl0ver43 · 4 years

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college apps really are the worst thing to procrastinate on and now im freaking out...i told myself i wouldnt do this again after the december first deadline which was just awful and horrible and terrible and i basically MISSED one of them (but then realized i actually had more time and had just missed the priority deadline) and now it’s been almost 20 days and i fuckin did it again GOD and like...it’s not school. i cant just send it in late. i cant ask for leniency. it’s a hard deadline and probably one of the biggest most daunting things ive ever had to do, that will directly effect the next FOUR years of my life...and im just so fucking ashamed. i really fucked up, im not sure that i can get this done in time, and i just hate myself because of it. how can i expect myself to do this when i cant even reply to a fucking email or do more than one Big Thing in a week? and it’s really fucking with me how everyone around me was able to apply to colleges a year ago...like what’s wrong with me? i know college apps are hard for everyone, but for me it feels impossible, and im not even in school anymore! i had all the time in the world to get it done and i couldn’t, and now i only have ten days and i dont think i can. and i need help, but i dont have anyone holding me truly accountable. i have to summon the motivation myself, but it’s like...just nothing’s there. im empty. im truly fucked!

#personal #and it doesnt help that my therapist doesnt think i have adhd even tho #he also said that i clearly meet the diagnostic criteria #basically he thinks my problems boil down to just perfectionism and low frustration tolerance bc of my intelligence #which like not even to mention everything else #from executive dysfunction to rsd to just insane hyperfocus #to me straight up explaining that i didnt pay attention 90% of my classes in school #but no one noticed because i was able to learn what i needed to #oh and also not just inattentive shit but even #talking really fast and interrupting people all the time #to the point where being called out for that made me so socially anxious and just #hyperaware of not cutting people off and really trying to b a better listener and always failing #oh and also time blindness! big time #ugh and the fact that it’s obviously not just boredom due to my intelligence bc #in that case why cant i make myself focus even on things i LOVE and am passionate about?#it’s like if im not currently hyperfocusing on the thing i cant sustain my attention and effort #and it’s basically ruining me as a musician because like #i cant follow through on my long term goals! even on a gap year with all the time in the world #and its just the fucking worst #like being bored all the time and just understimulated and depressed because of it?#but not being able to prioritize anything #making lists and resolving to change over and over again to no avail #just feeling like something is fundamentally wrong with me #and perfectionism and low frustration tolerance can b results of adhd in themselves??#so how does that contradict that?#i really do trust and respect my therapist and i dont want him to just humor me or tell me what i want to hear #but fuck i think i have adhd #at least he agrees he was wrong about the ocd tho bc i never was ablet to really wrap my head around that #like at first id accepted his diagnosis but the more i scrutinized it it just didnt make sense #ughhhhhh

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somecunttookmyurl · 3 years

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If It is okay to ask, how to tell when a kid is adhd or just being a kid? Looking back I can see a few signs like constant daydreaming, restlesness fidgeting etc but that wasnt much different from the other kids. As a teenager it became more clear I think because most of girls my age were not behaving like tomboys anymore and the symptoms mentioned above did not go away plus i think I had/have rsd. But only now as an adult i feel like these things are actually getting on the way. I daydream a lot, the restfulness didn't go anywhere, rsd still anoying as fuck (i think this is related with being a people pleaser? I got that too) and i notice more and more this horrible thing you usually call executive dysfunction. I cant really get a diagnosis and while I relate to a lot of symptoms and posts adhd people share, I'm really scared Im just procrastinating and trying to use adhd as an excuse for not getting things done. And I feel really bad about that. So back to my original question, if the signs were there since childhood but did not trouble me until like 4 years ago, how can i tell If It was adhd or Just kid stuff?

i mean the fact it didn't go away is a pretty good tell, honestly.

redmore to save the dash

as an adhd kid you may, with other children

-had difficulty making/keeping friends or socialising and felt "weird" or "different"

-were not invited to parties, made excuses to not go, or acted inapproptiately when there (and were never invited back)

-easily gave in to peer pressure from a desire to "fit in"

-were probably called "gullible"

-found it difficult to "wait your turn" in any activity

-frequently picked last for games and team sports

-found it difficult to "share" things with others

-caused fights/arguments with siblings/other children over trivial things

-may have been called "spiteful" or "vindictive"

-not realised when you were "taking things too far" with joke or play

-tried to annoy people on purpose

_________________________________

as an ADHD child in school you may

-consistently not done school/homework until the last minute. not by choice, but because you could never seem to "just get started on it" until it was immediately pressing

-not known where to start with longer-term projects / never really "got" how to study or revise for exams. could not organise notes.

-made careless mistakes in schoolwork

-had report cards littered with "intelligent but could try harder" "needs to apply themselves" "has potential but lazy" etc

-parents/teachers said you had an "attitude" / you had a tendency to "talk back"

-often seemed to forget things you had already learned until you were reminded of them, or had difficultly linking knowledge together

-doodled a lot in class, and found doing so made it easier to listen

-easily distracted by external stimuli ie things happening outside the classroom window, or a conversation in the next room

________________________________

as an ADHD child at home you may

-had trouble getting up in the mornings (your parents had trouble dragging you up, and you felt groggy/sleepy "just 5 more minutes")

-had issues going to bed. did not seem "tired" at bedtime. stayed up late reading frequently. refused to get ready for bed.

-always been rushed to get ready for things

-being forgetful or "a ditz"

-being called "lazy"

-forgetful with daily activities such as brushing your teeth and would need to be reminded

-found it hard if not impossible to keep your room clean and organised. not "knowing where to start" with it

-walking past things without seeing them. eg my parents would leave my laundry on the stairs to take up and then berate me because "you've walked past it six times today". not really seeing mess in general bc it became "background noise"

-not following through on instructions/not finishing what you were asked to do. like doing half of the dishes

-you were over-sensitive to criticism

-would often lie to get out of obligations, maybe even compulsively (ie you couldn't help it)

-you answer to "why did you do/say x" or "why didnt you do x" was frequently "i don't know" and you genuinely didn't know

-liked to do things the same way every time and got upset if the structure or plan changed

-would become frustrated if your demands were not immediately met. could not "wait until later"

-somebody would ask you to do something and you wouldn't do it for several hours, without realising it had been that long

_________________________________________

as an ADHD child in your leisure time / emotionans you may

-people saying "are you even listening to me?" a lot

-talking excessively, being "a chatterbox"

-despite being a "chatterbox" around familiar people, you were very shy/withdrawn around others. your two modes are "verbal diarrhea" and "mute"

-answering questions before the person even finished asking, interrupting others a lot

-you had a lot of interests but didn't keep up with any of them for very long

-were "emotional" or "overdramatic" ie crying or getting angry easily

-identified as a "perfectionist" and would either hyperfocus on unimportant details, or gave up on new pursuits you were not "immediately good" at

-people said you have a "selective memory" because you can eg name all 151 pokemon in order but not remember to pick up milk on the way home

-your moods seemed to change quickly and drastically

-had difficulty "behaving yourself" in public ie when out shopping

-broke/smashed things when angry

-got injured by doing reckless/stupid things

-complained of "being bored" often

-watched TV or played video games excessively and could lose hours at a time without noticing

#all of this obv in addition to the general #daydreaming/fidgeting/inabiliy to sit still/excess physical energy #you can look up child ADHD rating scales #that would have been completed by a parent or teacher #and look back and score yourself

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adhbabey · 3 years

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hi im 17 and have been diagnosed with depression, anxiety, Dissociative amnesia & regular extreme 'freeze' responses.

I saw a councilor last year to treat and diagnosis above conditions after suffering 2 years of trauma *mother related* and not being able to function in my life I moved at the start of this year from Sydney (im Australian) to the country im doing my HSC in 2021 (high school test to get into uni) and ive been self treating my self diagnosed ADHD, Im going to see a psychiatrist (been on the wating list for a while as i wanted to see someone with experience in my issues) and want to know how to bring up the fact im 95% sure i have ADhD.

IM 17 and have been a 'gifted' student all my life but last year i couldnt handle it and dissoated fro 16 days... i have no memory of this but the fam says i lay down naked in my wardobe under piles of clothes and wouldnt respond to most stimuli even when water was dumped on me...

I have ->

extreme symptoms of all aspects of

Habits, Executive Dysfunction and Disorganization

Stimulation and Stimming

Time Blindness

Working Memory, Inattention and Object Permanence

Executive Dysfunction

Hyperfixation and Emotional Hyperarousal

Delayed Sleep Phase Syndrome

Inattention(Dissociation) and Hyperfocus

....

Emotional Dysregulation ->

to an extent i go long period of feeling numb then feeling 'normally?' (like im not manic but idk)-> idt this applies to this

disfucntion

Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria (RSD)

All of these but im not sure what is due to depression and what is due to limited negative feed back inmy life, like if someone i dont know insults me im not bother but if someone i respect/like does it haunts me for years, i still remeber the first time i got a B in graphic detail and why

"Money Blindness" and Impulsivity

im unemployed -> full time student, but i do work in the holidays and i spend it on stuff i want, i buy everything thrifted but causeof this sometimes i regret prucahses and cant retern item, i also often spend my cash on food i dont need ...

i regret most purcases even if they are 'good' but ive never be fourced to live alone and pay my own bills-> i often bring homecooked food ot party's etc instead of cash for alchol etc

Boundaries, RSD, and Volume Control

i get told the volume thing a lot but i also wear headphones alot -> constantly listening to music or audobooks/podcast at x1.5-x4 speed.

I think im pretty good at understanding other people but i cant make myself react... like i catch myself thinking things i know aint true but i still interalise them?

I can talk a stanger and theyll love me but if i cant talk to a classmate/aquatence for the life of me beyond correcting them

e.g. girl in my econ class ive dmed quite a bit but i can never makemyelf talk to her inclasss-> this has been going on for a year and she has invited me to

fun extra-> i dont in on hair but thats cause im queer

*also a socialist very anticapitalistnothing to do with anything but i wanted to say it...

Oh boy!!! Someone with ADHD and a dissociative disorder! Now this is more nuanced than a regular ADHD diagnosis!

I have OSDD-1b, Other Specified Dissociative Disorder. It is caused by Childhood Complicated Post Traumatic Stress Disorder (C-PTSD), aka long lasting childhood trauma. This is similar to DID, Dissociative Identity Disorder.

First off, you definitely sound like you have DID or OSDD-1a as that is a dissociative disorder which you experience dissociative amnesia.

Secondly, the paralysis and the no response to stimuli is called catatonia, and usually is a sign of stress. I recommend watching this video to learn more.

And having time feeling numb and then normal emotions is a sign of your dissociative disorder. So what I will ask you is this:

Do you often dissociate after experiencing intense emotions or reactions?

Do you then switch to a lighter emotion when you've dissociated for a while?

Do you experience a complicated relationship with your emotions?

Do you feel like you can turn them off some days and other days you're very intense?

I do think you have ADHD, but be sure to bring up the fact that your dissociation and times seeming unresponsive on the outside is not due to symptoms of ADHD. Also your relation to emotions may seem different because of your dissociative disorder.

#babey asks #adhd #dissociative disorder

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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I'm just at that point where I've had enough wine that I want to spill my entire guts. Like I just need to say exactly what I want and need, and maybe that might help. And I came back to tumblr after years away to do exactly that without fear of it being weird for anyone, but then as soon as anyone acknowledges my humanity or even displays their own, I start to feel the same again. Like I want to connect to you but I know I'm so much, it does me better than it does you. I stopped saying this stuff on my regular social media because I always feel guilty for implying I'm asking for something. Even if I give support too. I feel like it's not enough and when it comes to me needing it it's still too much.

I dont know how to get out of it. I need support to get out of it but I dont know how to accept it. It's never been right in the past. Once I had support from someone and I started to get better and then they started to resent me for getting better without them and it got toxic. A long time ago. Other times I've had support and then they've realised exactly how much of a mess I am and backed off. And what does that say about me?

I dont want to be a drain on the people around me. My poetic romantic anime side says I just need the right support system and I'll be able to fix things. My realistic side says it means I cant rely on anyone else and I just need to try harder and pull myself out of it before I try to have any kind of human connection. But I also know if I could do that I would have done so already. I dont want to be someone who uses people for their own personal advancement and then abandons them. Itd be better if I just wasnt around.

I dont know what I'm supposed to do. I have nothing. I can offer nothing. And we all start from there, but that's when we're babies. When it's okay for parents and teachers and aunt and uncles to give support and help and nothing is ever alone. And it's not that I need that much but I cant be independent. I cant. I'm tired. I'm so tired. I did it before but I'm exhausted. And I tried my best to help people along who needed it but now that I need it all I'm getting is 'ooh you're so strong and inspiring' I dont care. I used to care, I dont anymore. Of course I want to help people. I've always been like that. But my issues are real by themselves too. Why is that not okay? Why, if I say 'I'm dealing with some shit and I dont feel like I can get through it,' does that invite 'you're so strong keep going!' and 'you'll be okay!' but not 'that sounds tough. Let me help you get through it' and why do I sound needy for wanting that

I feel lost without a specific trio of friends. There's one who replies to or otherwise interacts with a lot of what I post, not usually in detail, but always with warmth. Even when I havent replied in forever. She always says something supportive. There's the one I've mentioned before who understands the BPD aspect of things, makes me feel valid, entertains me when I want to ramble about some new object of hyperfocus or distress. And one that I've known for years since she tracked me down at school when we were 12 and demanded to be my friend because she'd heard of me even when I was hesitant, and it's been 18 years since then and I'm still really glad she did that. And really all 3 of them, and others, have in common the fact that they had to keep pursuing me even when I wasn't doing much because in the end, it's like that phrase 'some people put up walls not to keep others out but to see who cares enough to tear them down' which I always think is so fucking corny but in the end really it does apply to me.

I dont know when it was I stopped being able to really talk to people or trust that they might genuinely like me. I guess it happened over time. But it's stuck. And it feels more difficult than ever. I know the last year and a half had fucked everyone up in one way or another and I dont want to say that my way is more serious than anyone else's. It's not. But I do know that it has affected me profoundly and that's all I can speak to. And one way its affected me is its cemented the idea that people just dont like me, dont want to talk to me, dont want to hang out with me, dont want to see me, any of that. And that I just shouldnt be here. It's not a new idea on my mind, it's just stronger now. And it'll take so much if I'm to get away from that and I dont know how to even begin to ask that of anyone.

I dont know how to get myself to a place where I can function normally. I dont know how to pull myself out of this pit. It's like I've been here for so long it only gets deeper and I only need more help to get out, but the more help I need the less likely i am to get it, and the less likely i am to get it the worse i feel, and the worse i feel the deeper the pit is, and it all just gets worse.

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forestzy · 4 years

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all i learn from school is that numbers and letters show value and worth on a subject

the only thing that determains if i can go to a collage or university in the future

my future

my worth for somethings

A's are to the ones can regurgitate the forced information or have the gift and passion for it

and F's are for the ones weren't engaged because they either don't get why we need to learn this, who are weak in the subject, they just aren't interested, or they just forgot

25/25

You're going somewhere, kid!

10/25

You're a FALIURE, you aren't WORTH ANYTHING, you suck at EVERYTHING YOU DO!

its made me scared of what im worth, if im good enough for anything

as i learn that its wrong, im better than what a number or a letter can say. I just at least stay in a passing grade at least to satisfy the system, myself, and try to keep them as high as i can to satisfy the boomers of my family and my millenial parents

because they learned through experience to fear the low grades to low numbers, especially my mom

she encourages me to have good grades, but doesn't force it upon me

because she's been through the pain of being yelled at because she didn't have the best grades

but she encourages what im good at it

which its im good with creativity, imagination, empathy and acceptance, artistic "gift" ,and being the animal whisperer of my family

the rest of my family is christen

my mom doesn't fall in a religion, but she told me i can choose what i believe in as long as im happy

and i chose to be wiccan

because i belive in spirits and my strong connection with nature

and she's happy for me

that i am finding myself, i have a dream, i have a goal, i have belifs, i know my strengths, i know my weaknesses but i do my best

doing my best to support me

but school, it isn't preparing me for what i want to do in the future, they are just testing my worth through being able to take in a bunch of shit that's pointless, time consuming, and honestly can really make us question if we're good enough just because we aren't getting it or memorizing it.

its not preparing for what i want to do or how to SURVIVE in a world after we leave our parents

i used to like reading, but now i hate it

because i HAD to read A CERTIAN AMOUNT in a certaina mount of TIME

i was EXPECTED

it HURTED me

i'll be honest

im autistic, im on the spectrum

i have hard time socializing, i have a hard time making eye contact with me

im expected to work with groups of people that usually want nothing to do with me because im different and dont talk to me at all

i prefer to work by myself because im not judged, im not socially isolated and ignored, i dont feel useless

i cant stand most loud noises and places

i have to be in a room with everyone talking at once, pencils tapping, yelling, its just loud, and im exprected to work through the headaching sound. at least they let me have my headphones to mute out the sound and play something calming to me, but not all of us are lucky as me

i have a hard time focusing

i can hyperfocus on art, animals, all the things im intrested in and such, but i cant force my focus on something that isnt interesting to me. im told if i can focus on my art, and memorize every pokemon, to try to incorptate it into my schoolwork, but i can't. because im just inable to plug into something that doesn't seem intrersting to me, like the civil war or the millions of math equations

i may have a 504 in school to help me with my bad anxiety and autism, but im put in the same environment with the same people with the SAME EXPECTIONS

Im not saying put us in different groups over what we can and cant do, but im saying that we're all DIFFERENT, not the SAME

(im not done yet, tumblr's text limit)

#school #middle school #high school #collage #education #education system #future

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gonnabewell · 4 years

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im frustrated :( just talked to my therapist about adhd again the other day, and he went over the results of the test, which puts me well within the range ! for add, and he still doesn’t think i have it. i tried to tell him it’s not just inattentive symtoms i experience, but some hyperactive ones as well, mostly verbal hyperactivity and ever present internalized feelings of restlessness (which makes sense since im a girl), and i explained how even though i only fit four of the five hyperactive bullets in the dsm, the ones that apply are VERY applicable. not “this is kinda me...” but “THATS ME! and thats why ive faced so much peer rejection, and that’s why i was called annoying ever since elementary school, and that’s why i’m always figety and feel worse in environments when i have to be still!” and he said “you’re not hyperactive at all.” like just straight up. and im just so frustrated. i really trust and respect my therapist, and he’s helped me so much, and is the best therapist ive ever had... but i feel like im not making progress. if it’s adhd, then that’s an explanation, you know? for why just targetting, say, perfectionism as a source of procrastination and low self esteem, and not the executive dysfunction and other root behaviors that caused that, hasn’t worked. but if it’s not adhd, then i really don’t know. my mom believes me (and even heavily identifies with a lot of adhd symtoms too, which, yeah, would make sense), and even my dad who doesn’t believe in adhd (and is also very defensive about having a lot of adhd symtoms ive explained, which would also make sense...) agrees that it could describe me. but they both say, ultimately, what’s most important is learning how to cope healthily through cbt no matter the diagnosis, which i agree with! but they don’t get how crazy i feel when ive done research and am pretty sure...but my therapist isn’t convinced. and like yes, i know my mental health is messy, i know i have depression and anxiety and serious self worth shit and even maybe some trauma... but a LOT of it would b, i think, clarified by an adhd diagnosis. (you know, rejection sensitivity, secondary depression, etc.) it’s driving me crazy, and i can’t stop thinking about it, and going back and forth convincing myself i’m absolutely right or that i’m projecting and just lazy. i just want to understand myself and get better. i cant stand not being able to do the things i enjoy because i can’t start them or stay focused. i cant stand that i need either a deadline or hyperfocus to write music or practice, and what it means for my identity as a musician when i havent practiced in a month. i cant stand that i start projects in a state of creative bliss and then abandon them to sit in the pile of things i one day want to finish but cant and it really fucks with me. i cant stand another day of being insanely understimulated and depressed and not being able to pull myself out of it when everything that would make me feel better is too much to even approach. i cant stand not being able to form any lasting habits, how everything stays a conscious effort and i just keep failing again and again. it makes me feel like such a loser that im an adult and yet without my mom i wouldnt even be able to function in the most basic capacities. and i cant ignore it anymore! i know that the only way ill ever be in a better place is addressing all that, and it’s at a point where i think it’s...just ignoring reality to not call it adhd. and yet im so unsure! i think im gonna implode

#personal #adhd #dont rb #rant #sorry yall

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wickymicky · 5 years

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Kpop linguistics is literally the exact content I love to see around here as someone also finding herself at this weird interest intersection lol lowkey this kind of stuff is one of the reasons you're one of my favourite blogs around here

WOAH!!!!! aAAAAAA! thank you!!

im gonna put a Read More here bc it got too long and rambly

i cant help it lmao, i’m a linguist and i went to college for linguistics. that’s just how my brain works, it’s like an adhd hyperfocus special interest type thing, idrk what to call it, but i’ve been learning everything i can about language (in particular phonology and morphology) for like a decade. i dont talk about it much but i spend a huuuuuuge amount of time working on and thinking about my conlang (constructed language) that i’ve had since high school. it’s not very good, but it’s sort of a sandbox where i can fool around with linguistics stuff lol. i wanted to write a paper about the use of conlangs as tools for linguists to use for better understanding certain concepts that they have trouble with, but im not in college at the moment and idk if i will be again anytime soon... anyway yeah like this is my shit lol.

oh and like thats whats super cool about getting into kpop! its a whole lot of media in a language i didnt have much exposure to beforehand. i took latin in high school and ancient greek in college, and then i did like hungarian and vietnamese duolingo for a while lol, but there’s not a ton of easily accessible media in those languages, and certainly not much with subtitles, and definitely not anything for latin and ancient greek haha. like i wish there was something like anime for every language, just a huge wealth of shows in various animated styles in a language i dont speak, but with subtitles so i can recognize that when they say a certain word multiple times and i pick up on it, and every time they do the word “dream” is in the subtitles, i can piece together that that word probably means dream.

so like i have a suuuuper poor understanding of japanese grammar and shit, but i think fairly good pronunciation and a long list of vocab words ive picked up on because thats what my brain gravitates towards. like when i’d hear something i thought was interesting, i’d spend hours looking it up too. like how high vowels (“i” and “u”) often become voiceless between two voiceless consonants in japanese, which is why “sasuke” is pronounced seemingly like “saske”. but if it was an o instead of a u, it’d probably be sasoke not saske, cause its only the high vowels that drop out. also things like... why do certain words that start with a voiceless consonant become voiced in some compound words, but not others? “kana” becomes “gana” in hiragana, but stays “kana” in katakana. why? well, apparently that’s a thing and there’s a name for that. i forget it at the moment lmao, but i know that it happens. and so how come h- becomes b- in that situation? well it’s because it was originally p-, and then it weakened to a sort of f-like sound, and then further into h-, except for “pu” which stayed on the middle stage as “fu” even in modern japanese. all instances of “p” in modern japanese are either because the p was doubled (geminated), or they’re loanwords. so like yeah haha, it’s not that i “picked up japanese from watching anime”, it’s that watching anime and hearing certain things made me curious and i spent a lot of time looking into that. not learning the language tho lol... i like learning ABOUT the language, but im not very good at actually learning the language.

and thats what ive been doing with korean too! it’s not a language i had much experience with, so at first i couldnt make out any words at all in kpop songs. it was hard to tell where one word ended and where the next began. and that was only like two or three months ago lol... i’m still really new. i started noticing certain words that came up a lot. “piryohae”, “saranghae”, “bogosipeo”, “nareul”, “eolgul”, “joahae”, “jigeum”, “shigan”, “sungan”, “eopseo”, “bimil”, “maeum”, god the list goes on and on. it’s just vocab, but for the most part i learned to recognize those words before i knew what they meant lol, cause i dont look at lyrics much. so i’d look them up and go “ohhhhhhh yeah okay i can see why that word would be in those places in those songs” or whatever. and like, you know, learning more about hangeul teaches me more about the phonology of the language (which is my SHIT). and like i could try to write about how the unaspirated and aspirated initial consonants are often pronounced the same by the younger generation of speakers, but the unaspirated one adds something of a low tone to the following vowel, or i could try to write about how the double-consonants (jj, pp, tt, kk, ss) came often from initial sequences of sp- st- sk- etc, or how an ongoing sound change that you’ve probably noticed is that initial m- and n- are being pronounced closer to b- and d-, and how ae and e have completely merged, and how long vowels arent pronounced by younger speakers anymore, etc lol. i could write about how korean used to have a strong system of vowel harmony but centuries of sound change and loanwords from chinese that broke the vowel harmony rules have eroded it significantly, but it still plays a role in a handful of grammatical conjugations. i’ve been like cracking out, for lack of a better term, on learning about the history of the language and the inner workings of it, and ive spent some time attempting to learn the language too, though not that much lol. my brain is much better at collecting facts and having a deep understanding how Language works than it is at understanding how to speak a particular language lol. i cant really speak a word of arabic but i know all about triconsonantal roots and emphatic consonants and 3-vowel systems and differences between the various dialects of arabic lol

blah anyway lol

#Anonymous

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ddonggeun · 5 years

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Hey! So I’m suspecting if I got adhd/add but is there any symptom idk. It’s really exp here to get it diagnosed

sorry it took me a while to get back to you because honestly i dont know whats a good alternative for you can be so i guess i can share my own experience?

first of all i think googling symptoms and types of adhd and reading peoples account on how adhd/add manifest is a good start? my doctor and the reddit /r/adhd REALLY help me to accept myself (which is the first step i think) but the way i get diagnosis (i am adhd with predominately inattentiveness - but at the same time i have depressions and dyslexia which is like a killer combo 10/10 would never rec) is that i came across with an article a couple months about how girls with adhd are more likely to be (mis)diagnosed with depression and it basically fucks up multiple generations because they cant get the help they need and i was like wait whats describe in it sounds kind of like me but at the same time i have always been very lethargic and rather well behaved in class growing up i am nothing like what you would typically associate with adhd (you know the hyper-activeness) so during my next visit to the doctor (im getting treatment for my depression) i mention to the article to her and she said wait you know what describe how you feel in a classroom setting growing up and is there anything you do that teachers complain about repeatedly and tell me how studying and doing homework is like to you and so i did (i can go further into details of my life since a lot contributes to why i only get diagnosis when im 21… let me know if you would like to know i guess?)

my doctor (who just so happens to be an adhd specialist and is quite active in the research area i didnt know before then we stan forever i love her really she is so encouraging and so good at her job) took some notes as i was talking and after im done she said you know what i think you might be onto something but i cant be sure yet (since i have depression and dyslexia which both overlaps quite a lot with adhd/add) why dont i first explain to you what adhd is and i’ll give you the set of official diagnosis questions you dont have to do it just take a look at it first do some research organize your thought talk to your parents about it and if you think getting a test on it is something you want we can set up another appointment and we can go from there - which is really really nice because adhd has always been a taboo at least with my upbringing it makes you a loser socially academically and you know just in general its not something you will want to have….

in hind sight there are SO MANY SIGNS even in early childhood how come no one notice i dont know prolly because i grew up in the 00s if you are different you need to kys lmao rip:

trouble paying attention in school or work,

the appearance of not listening - although im an audio learner funny enough

avoidance of activities that require sustained focus,

being easily distracted

restlessness

fidgeting and cant sit properly - i shake my legs or click my pen so much especially when im thinking or anxious lmao, i got into trouble a lot when i was younger because i only sit in my seat facnig the teacher 5 mins max at at ime then i move around or i move the chair around i think better when i cross my legs but i went to a uniform school and i always make my skirt too short so you know

interrupting - if i dont say what comes to mind when it comes to mind, the thought is gone forever

frequent talking and talking way too fast - i get the exact same comment every single report day class from when i was 4 till i graduated high school im not even kidding “she has excellent comprehension skill and reading speed. it would be great if parents can help her out a bit in maths or chemistry. she has a lot of potential if she applies herself, she seems distracted although when we ask her questions she can answer. very helpful and bubbly and yet she talks too much in class. she is not disruptive and her seatmate never complains but she just doesnt stop talking. we have been pairing her up with quiet students in class in the hopes that she will talk less in class but she just turn the quiet student talkative”

trying to do multiple things at once - i cant do one thing at a time, even when im say writing a paper i need to be listening to music or talking to someone if not switching between tabs or word files

mood swings

hyperfocus - oh boy oh boy oh boy

impulsiveness - i dont know if i get better as i age or is it getting worse i just know how to clean up my mess lmaooooo

poor time management - although i would say ever since i start listening to stuff 24/7 it really helps build a sense of the passage of time or whatever? its like now i know ok by the time i get to the third song in the shower i need to be washing out my conditioner; or say i need to go somewhere in 40 mins which is really abstract to me i set timers and put on a show thats 35ish mins even tho im not watching it just so im aware of time is actually happening if it makes sense

fail to follow through - i start things and once i have it figure out in my head i struggle to put it down in words or explain it to others i work well with other adhd peps tho

doesnt follow instruction and only do stuff their way

burnout - this is the worst especially if you are a perfectionist or a control freak and guess who is both

trouble coping with stress -

i luck out because im canadian and my doctor (in my schools clinic) just so happens to be a specialist who is very passionate about helping undergrads and grad school students to achieve as much as they can - so doctor and diagnosis for me is free. i do have to pay for my medications out of my pocket for a bit since im on vyvanse (to treat both my adhd and depression-lead anxiety its complicated but it makes sense when my doctor explained it to me lol) and this drug isnt covered by Pharmacare (CAD $130ish for 3 weeks worth of 30mg, im mostly on 30mg but on days when i dont have work on stuff or go to school i take 20mg just so my anxiety dont cause me to explode lmao) and very expensive but recently my doctor and i have agreed that vyvanse really work for me and it is something that i should be on daily for the foreseeable future we applied for special authorization which means i only gotta pay the tax… of course medicating isnt a must but it is what works for me and we figure out a way to make it affordable so i cant be more happy about that

at the same time i work with my psychiatrist to you know configure the whole adhd thing cause you know 21 years of repressing and forcing your feet into a shoes that not even your size frick you up thats something people dont tell you 🤷🏻‍♀️

what my doctor said to me then stuck with me - she told me adhd or add really is no monster or flaw in fact it is a very valuable set of traits we inherit from our ancestor - we hate it now because modern society render these skills useless well you see adhd isnt all about the hyperactiveness you see in the media people with adhd are extra sensitive to their surrounding and prefer hands on experiences (today we call them distracted) they are always aware of the change around them and is capable to attend to a couple things at a time and act fast because their brains are always making sense of things even when they arent consciously doing it. in todays society we dont want these kind of people why? because they ask questions they are curious people who notice trivial stuff that dont contribute to productivity they cant sit still which makes them not the ideal factor workers or pupils BUT! you have to remember that industrialization started like a century ish ago before that our ancestors live in predominately tribal society - adhd people then are the perfect caretakers and protectors, why? because they are always noticing things they adapt and react fast… so yeah it kinda suck for us growing up in a system thats designed to be everything we are and it is something that need to be changed but for those of us who “made it out alive” especially people who only get diagnosed in adulthood more often than not they look back and realize they have developed so many incredible ways to cope to make things work - are they always the perfect way? are they always health? no definitely no but at the same time it shows you how incredible these people are they make things work yes things are really hard sometimes but you got to give yourself a pet in the shoulder for not giving up… with the help of science and research we now know a little more about how adhd affect people we now have medication and programs developed to help people with adhd - they arent to dumb you down or numb you but instead it helps you to focus better so you can actually hear your entire thought and not just phrases or sentence fragments

#i rambled but i hope my personal experience give u a slight idea of how adhd/add manifest in others? but like i said medicating is not the #only way i think talking to people with similar experiences is helpful too even tho they might not be able to offer you professional medical #advices not feeling alone or that you are a weirdo is so important people talk a lot of about how poor self image among adhd ppls are common #and i think the social pressure is def one of the things that make it worse #i dont know where you are but if you are still in school #i guess talking to a trusted teacher or like social worker would be a good start they might be able to point you to more local and accessibl #resources.... and i mean you can always talk to me im very new to the whole actively combating adhd and not just cope with it but you know #sometimes you just need someone to hear you rant about stuff and im always here... i might not be able to reply fast since im in my last #semester 😳 and school is killing me lmao but ill try to response as soon as i see it :)))#ask #anon

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gayspock · 6 years

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dont rb, dont rply

slike i dont know man slike. i should stop fuckn crying for once but i jsut...s dpfjsodfjds.

its like. every single time you move into a new place youre just so Full of hope and it never ... works out like. you always think oh. maybe it might actually feel like a Place where i belong? where it doesnt feel like im in the way? where i can actually just... at least Exist, without feeling like a stick in the mud. and it never really ever is. slike just a constant cycle of being stupid and getting your hopes up - thinking oh, maybe next time - but it never.... delivers. no matter how hard you try ? at least, for me, it’s always just... resulted in what i can Ultimately just quantify as Rejection and. i dont know. i wish i was just Enough and i wish i was just enough for someTHING but im not, not for anything and sdfosjsdf . i dont know im just. Suddenly fuckn Breaking down again and slike.

you can kinda just Track it through the years of like. oh im finally excited to start school bc my parents dont want me and i want to make friends and feel like i am Somewhere but the reality is youre kind of just a fucking. joke to everyone and you get Tossed between friendship groups like a sack of potatoes bc ppl get ssick of you after 5 fucking minutes and you weren’t ever good enough to Stay and then you’re like. oh maybe school will work out. but the teachers fucking Loathe you because your attention span is fucking awful and you cause so much trouble because no one fucking Likes you and you just end up causing a fuss for them and. man you just cause a fuss for everyone bc youre in the way and no one really fucking Wants you and your parents are sick of you and you have no friends and your teachers are counting the days until you Finally get kicked out because some kid hit you and you hit back so they can take the Reason to cart you out of there and slike. you do all of that and you get to Secondary school and then sixth form and its the same mantra over and over again of just floating in between places and disappointing everyone you fucking meet because you cant do anything fucking right and. every time you get a smidgeon of hope its just fucking Toileted like. days with friends that feel warm and happy and then barely a month later and youre Alone again and its nothing to them because youre Nothing to them and you’re lways nothing but a fucking Idiot who keeps thinking you’re more than you are when the reality is youve never been anything but a fucking Brat that needs the shit kicked out of them and its lile. for every single Decent grade you get you’re also too much of a fuck up to have right no matter how hard you try and what does it fucking matter anyway what does any of it fucking matter and why Should you even try any more because its just fucking Empty whatever you do - yyou’vvve Always been too much trouble and you’ve never been worth it and. it just becomes more abundantly clear the more time goes on - perhaps, it was always clear, and i was just a fucking idiot. and i dont know its just. one of those fucking times again where thats being put into Hyperfocus and like. part of me always prayed something would work out and maybe despite my shitty behaviour record, despite the fact no one wants me, i could Get somewhere with half-decent grades and run far far away but in the end i couldnt pull any of it off because god what does it even Matter and i know im not welcome anywhere i go anyway im just in the fucking way and like. who even cares like. even if i did succeed it’d never be enough to make my ass worth anything and. i dont know. like i dont fucking know.

im thinking a lot particularly about the pride society at school too bc like. for real that was always something i was so excited for because being nb and gay was such a Core component of my identity and like. of course my parents would be disgusted if they knew and they never can know but like. it was the one thing i could hold high despite that? i dont know if that even makes any sense... but then the reality of it was literally just. oh you’re not welcome here Either this space is dominated by the pretentious yt kids who’ll put themselves above everyone else, because they’re the only ones with a Valid Voice and. i dont know it something so stupid that doesnt matter in the long run but its just. its always just Hurt so uch and . the same goes with literally everything else in sixth form and everywhere like. JUST EVERYRWHERE its the same. cold and isolating force of. you’re not worth anything you’re stupid you’ew not worth listening to you’re a god damn Burden and we dont WANT you because god fucking knows there’s been so many friends too and i feel Safe and Comfy for just a little too fucking long before they Say soemthing and i dont want to be a fucking. babey about it i dont want to be overly sensitive but when they Display such fuckng feelings like that sometimes it’s Highkey fucking obvious that like. no matter hat they say that’s how they Really feel about people like you and they never wanted you to begin with because youre disgusting and. like i jsut i dont kno why thought i could be a litle happier bc ijust. always just felt like i was never apart of anythi ng and i just want to disappear now i just want to go and never see anyone ever again but im stuck because im such a fucking failure and its fucking ironic that im so so fucking worthless i cant even fucking. run away and die down a ditch somewhere and im just sticking around like a bad fucking smell getting in the way and sjfoasffs. i dont fuckign know i should Kill myself honestly fucking idiot

#egg.txt #just more whining i dk wtf to tag i jsu sodfjsiofhsfd #listen.#im sorry last whiny post i'll go back to H

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thetruebadwolf · 3 years

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notes to self:

definite signs i have ADHD:

1. hyperfixations. i dread getting into something new a little bit bc i know that i’ll only be able to think about that thing, be obsessed with that thing, and relate everything i think or do back to that thing for an age and a half and i know it annoys the people around me but i cant stop it aa

2. inattentiveness in class and a need for stimulation. i find it hard to focus unless i’m doodling, embroidering, etc and this is reflected in teacher comments

3. stimming, but sometimes.

4. rsd in like social situations? this one is part of why i am unsure bc i dont know if i have rsd or simply want to be liked

5. nervous habits - esp an oral fixation where i chewed my hair when i was young. i was told to stop so i chewed my pencils to hell and back (and also my bedframe a little that was weird) then when i stopped that i began biting my nails

6. i finish peoples sentences sometimes?? again not strangers tho so i think it’s more than normal but not abnormal

7. weird sleep schedule to the point where my friend (whos best friend is narcoleptic) asked me if i had a sleeping disorder. i fall asleep if i feel bored or uncomfortable in social situations and in class i get extremely tired from the getgo and feel very alert as soon as it ends

8. oh right and not being able to concentrate on classwork to the point of it’s very debilitating and i don’t know how to solve it.

reasons i might not have adhd

1. the big one is i can’t remember a time i hyperfocused to the extent people say where i ignore bodily needs for hours on end. yes i would obsessively read etc in elementary school and play civ and shit but those just kind of work like that for everyone.

2. don’t know about rsd. i dont experience feelings as physical sensations that people describe and i dont think i’m overly emotional

3. i like one on one conversations a lot and get very involved in them. perhaps this might be an example of hyperfocus bc i do neglect bodily functions to talk to people idk.

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actuallyadhd · 7 years

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A personal account of a long overdue ADHD diagnosis

I was diagnosed with ADHD around a year ago on the cusp of turning 22 and it happened, in its own way, accidentally. But my journey to an actual diagnosis, that “Aha!” moment if you will, goes a little like this:

In high school, I was always the “Gifted Child” who quarter assed or otherwise straight up didn’t do my homework but could somehow (spoiler alert: hyperfocus combined with cramming is how) get in the high 90’s on my tests and exams so I’d sufficiently pass my class. It frustrated my parents and my teachers to no end, and it was the cause of a lot of conflict between me and them. I would lie often, hide things like my report cards and homework results, and make up elaborate excuses to cover my ass. If I was being honest, I would have said “I didn’t do this because it was so mind-numbingly boring and I really, REALLY didn’t feel like it” but what kind of crappy excuse would that have been? I could never quite explain why I felt like this, why I would be doing a boring project and constantly just want to beat my head against a wall because even that would have been more interesting. I was ashamed of it, and felt like I was just stupid and needed to get it together. The problem was that I could never figure out how.

Impulsivity was another thing I struggled with in a big way. Being a girl who hit 6 feet tall when I was 13 meant I could get away with a lot of things I really shouldn’t have, just because I looked older. Having always felt like a bit of a weirdo in highschool. Aside from a handful of good friends my age, I tended to hang out with the 20 somethings I worked with a lot more. I got into a fair share of trouble that way, the details of which could better be chronicled in a book of short stories so I’ll spare you all the length of that.

A good number of the friends I did have in high school were diagnosed with ADD/ADHD and I dont think its a coincidence. Looking back now I’d refer to the birds of a feather concept and I’ve thought a lot about why it never came up as a potential root cause. I think probably a combination of being a girl and not necessarily struggling with my school material led to that oversight, because ADHD diagnosis in school systems can lean towards being based on acedemic performance alone, though obviously there would be some more nuance there than I’m letting on.

My diploma exam scores in grade 12 were worth 50% of my mark and they enabled me to get into University and a BFA Film Studies program. As a lover of movies, a degree in watching movies has been amazing, but my old habits from high school didn’t seem to just die off. University was turning out to be challenging. I was doing a lot all at once, joined boards of directors and got involved in activism and while all that was certainly a challenge I was willing to take on I nonetheless experienced a TON of stress. This became a hugely problematic factor for a chronic migraine condition i’ve lived with since I was 2 as stress became more and more of a trigger for my extremely debilitating and photo/sound sensitive migraines. I’ve tried many medications for it, none of which seemed to be worth the horrible side effects. I was able to find a good method of pain management through medical cannabis and CBD in this time though even with that, the cycle became quite vicious in that I would be stressed about schoolwork, the stress would trigger a migraine rendering me unable to do the schoolwork, which would in turn cause more stress about the schoolwork and so on and so forth.

This, clearly, was not super fun and I reached a point in year 4 of my studies where I finally cracked and decided to try and nip it in the bud. I got a referral to a psychiatrist at my schools clinic for anxiety and got put on the waiting list for a few weeks. The night before my first appointment with the psychiatrist I, naturally, was in a 2am youtube rabbit hole and unable to sleep. I was watching videos about bullet journals, having seen one of my friends’ that looked really cool, when I found a video called ‘why a bullet journal is the best planner for the ADHD brain’. As I watched it, it just seemed to hit WAY too close to home I had this long sort of epiphany like “oh my god… these are all the reasons this might work for me.”

I realized something pretty big right then: I didn’t actually know anything about ADHD beyond “cant pay attention”, which felt a bit ridiculous with me coming from a family chalk full of medical doctors and mental illnesses in fairly equal measure. I always grew up with an understanding of approaching mental health from a medical, scientific perspective, so I pulled an all nighter doing research and while I would never self diagnose personally, I realized that ADHD could potentially explain everything.

When I went to my doctors appointment, I arrived with about 5 pages of notes from my research and completely sleep deprived when I explained that “yes, I booked in for Anxiety but I stayed up all night doing research and I really think ADHD makes more sense for all the reasons I’ve listed in my notes with the proper citations but you’re the one with the medical degree so I’ll defer to you.” She agreed to do an assessment interview with me then and there, and the funniest part of all of it was that 5 minutes in, she gave up making notes on my answers and just started checking off boxes.

I’ve been on medication for almost a year now. While I know that pills dont teach skills and I still have a lot to work on I cant believe what a difference its made for my overall health. Above all though, its just such a relief to finally be able to explain all the things I could have never explained before without being embarrassed. The awareness and understanding of being actually ADHD has been, more than anything, the reason I have been able to “get it together” and find ways to work with my penchant for fleeting distraction rather than against it and for that, I will forever be grateful.

#submission #Actually ADHD #ADHD #magicmikexxlwasunderated #ADHD Awareness Month

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audiovisualrecall · 4 years

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Having a hard time w depression rn suddenly.

I Think the hyperfocus/special interest obsessive glee was sort of covering it up and I realize I cant make final decisions abt which things to buy for some things without talking to someone at a pet store (for example I want to find the cheapest good quality tank heater, I dont want to risk overheating or under heating the tank water, but $16 is the max I'd like to spend on it unless I can get everything else on my list for less $ than I'm finding rn) and or going to a store (for example I cant find any pricing for single small terra cotta pots online, I dont need 20 of them) and idk. Depression brain is making talking to people or going places seem like a huge amount of effort, especially for something like this frog tank that I might not actually end up doing, but also in general. I had a good like, 3 weeks or so? Of my mood being like, really fucking good, neutral to positive consistently, even when i had negative thoughts i was able to push through and get up and challenge myself to enjoy things and I felt good. And I put off talking to ppl and now i feel just numb-empty-negative-unhappy and everything seems like too much work and I cant do it and then I feel worse and i dont know why im like this. Why cant I be excited without being afraid and overthinking and making a small action seem like climbing a mountain, why cant I just manage to float mood wise instead of sinking, why was I able to last week and suddenly im just sitting in a pit looking out at the world. The day is sunny and bright and I sit inside and feel frustrated with my own brain and inability to explain any of this to anyone, it doesnt make sense. I used to talk to people all the time and replying to messages or whatever was nbd, and now the idea of having to open up a message and respond has something inside me twisting with fear and exhaustion and I dont understand why. I dont want it to be this way. I cant figure out how to go from cringing away from the idea of answering a text (why???) To being able to text and chat and stuff. This is a really fucked up intersection of anxiety and depression, idek. I can say my response in my head! I cant open an app and type it. Or say it. I cant call my sister's friend who owns a aquatic pet store to ask about stuff I have questions about, or for recommendations/if they have certain products or the frogs. I know sort of what I want to say. But I couldnt actually do it. The idea of picking up the phone and doing so fills me with fear. Why??? Theres no reason. I dont know. Im tired. I want to go back to sleep. I dont function. I can pretend to, I did for work, I used to for school, without either im just floating. And feeling empty. And stupid.

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mollydollyjournals · 3 years

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I'm supposed to go for dinner with my in laws tomorrow. Today, technically. Hb isnt even sure if he's going so I have to wait until hes decided. But I dont feel like I can go at all. It would be a really bad idea for me. I'm fucking tired. I'm worse than I've been in a long time. Again. I keep getting worse. Why the fuck would I be able to go play Good Wife in a situation that's anything but that.

And I just got a lot better with my art. That ADHD hyperfocus finally paid off somehow. In the past month I've learned way more with drawing than i have in years. I wanna draw. I wanna make comics. I wanna learn. It feels like growth and i dont want to go sit in a mansion pretending the sofa I'm sitting on isnt worth more money than my entire life. I'm not them. Nigga we ain't them.

If I stay up late enough I can tell hb I wont be able to wake up in time. Its likely anyway, and I already told him this. It's just the only thing of my issues that he seems to relate to. I think he can relate to more really, but he keeps playing the part. Kyriarchy is a hell of a drug.

I have therapy every Friday. Last session I mentioned that this dinner was coming up and I didnt want to go. My therapist said, 'then why not stay home?' and I felt like, you know...you're right. I know you're right. You know you're right. Insert Nirvana song. The correct option, really, is for me not to go. Even hb isnt really well enough to make the 3-4hr round trip for dinner.

But they are high achieving high functioning middle class rich white people and whether we care about that or not the fact remains that they own the house we live in. And that's capitalism, folks. That's why I havent left hb in all the times I've thought that might be better for us. That's why hb hasnt broken away from his parents in all his life. That's why his mother hasnt left his father even though shes literally even told her children she wants to. Its money. In some cases, cant handle leaving the middle class lifestyle behind. In my case, just need a secure place to live with vaguely reliable heating and internet. Regardless, fucking capitalism.

So I dont know what to do. They wouldnt understand that I finally got some kind of breakthrough with my art. Not unless i was going to make money out of it. My own mother barely understands that kind of thing. God theres so much i havent even written here.

I just dont want to go. It's not a good idea for me to go. It's a good idea for me to stay here and make my art and draw my comics and stay sober where I can and drink where I need to. Fuck I'm really glad I started with my therapist tbh. It really surprised me that a cishet white guy that isnt trying to fuck me might actually relate to me. My brain keeps spinning all kinds of bad outcomes for that. But for the time being at least, this is someone who thinks similarly to me, but is qualified as a therapist in a lot of ways that I need. And if he says 'addiction isnt the ideal but I'm really glad you got drunk instead of k1ll1ng yourself' and 'if you're that stressed about going, why do you have to go?' that's what was in my head to start with. That was exactly it. I could have game over'd and I definitely wanted to but I drank instead to just keep myself going. Until later. Until tomorrow if I can manage it. My increased sui// shit is from feeling like I'm being judged for that and cant get out of it, and if I cant continue as an alcoholic, and i cant continue without alcohol, then i guess i just cant continue. And fuck even a paid professional is such a rarity as someone who might tell me that yes, I should continue to exist, and yes, I am a good thing in the world, and yes, there is a way to realistically drink less, but yes, i should drink myself into oblivion if that helps me to continue to exist another day. And in deciding whether to go see my rich white upper middle class in laws, I should consider whether I actually want to do that or not and maybe just be selfish a bit in my decision.

But hb will give me shit if I don't. I was really hoping he'd cancel. He said he was probably going to. But he didnt confirm. He said hed confirm tomorrow, at a time that's fine for him but way too late for me. Really, we shouldn't go. Neither of us should. We only want to go to show up for his mother, who is a baby boomer who's been through a lot and tried her best to fill the role assigned to her. Otherwise we'd see the rest of his family at another time - not that we dont want to see then, we just dibt want to cancel.

And all of this is the same performative bullshit I grew up with. As a poor person attending a school full of rich kids. As a 2nd gen immigrant brown kid at a school full of white folks (where in the recent BLM movement that same school was called out for its racism). As a yet-undiagnosed autistic kid trying to look neurotypical while not even aware of the issue.

Its the same. Every time I have to go back there. Even hb got more vocal about judging me recently. Again. I'm too tired. I cant do it. I can work on my drawing, I cant do this middle class family Good Wife shit.

Its nearly 2:30am and that'll be my excuse. I wont be able to wake up in time. Hb will understand that. But he'll see it that I'm still awake because I stayed up drinking and smoking and whatever. Not that I'm doing those things because I'm anxious as shit. Or that actually I had a reasonable amount of wine with my mum today when I went to visit her for the first time in a really long time, along with two of the pets I brought home when I lived with her who are now elderly and one could drop dead any second, and I'm really an introvert, and if I'm going to go anywhere to socialise it has to be my mum. It has to.

I dont know if I'm overreacting, because at this point I'm going to have to tell hb that I wont be able to go and hes going to know that I drank and whatever and maybe he wont go off at me. But I am completely certain that there'll be some passive aggression going forth. And I hate this. And even this journal post, on my own private anonymous tumblr account, is taking up way too muc mental energy that I was previously putting into a drawing that I actually felt good about.

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