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#why do i have to say this

fe captured a lot of my interest with its beautiful and fantastic melodrama, which i am a slag for, but also fe awakening captured that pseudo-life is strange effect where it felt like my playing the game had actual in-game consequence. and on one hand, that’s just me hanging up my disbelief on the first available surface, but on the other hand, the way that the player’s very investment in the game and characters was built into the end-game mechanic was fucking fantastic. That sense of player autonomy/ ‘choice-impact’ if you will (i wouldn’t, but anyway), captured me most in CF, because it was the path that I did, essentially, choose to follow. A lot of my love for CF does probably draw from the fact I got to choose if I followed Edelgard like a little lesbian meta version of macbeth following her lady macbeth inclinations of regicide. I’m walking beaten track here, I know, but as much as I loved VW (and I loved VW), it didn’t have that same sense of ‘autonomy’ (autonomy to me implies an ability to act outside of an established/typical framework, literally impossible to do in a pre-coded video game) to me as CF did. The point of this being that when I do inevitably seek out transformative work… I go to Deers work before I go to CF-compliant work. It’s like the itch to contribute, to collaborate, has already been scratched with CF - I’ve already involved myself in making the story happen. In VW, it was more like a book, watching the story happen to me. I enjoyed both of them massively, as pretty fucking evidenced by this blog, but I guess I’m just interested in why i choose to supplement or change the story of the Deers in my off time over the story of CF when I still feel like CF was the narratively-shafted route. anyway my english lit degree has turned me insane.

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Me at this moment: I hate having extreme reactions PLEASE get rid of them I can’t live like this

Me remembering that sometimes I don’t feel anything other than “oh cool” for days at a time: okay so maybe not—

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Sollux, pointing: what’2 thii2 2nowman?

Aradia: hes a pale0nt0l0gist

Aradia: hes l00king f0r cretace0us sn0w din0saurs!

Sollux: why doe2 he look 2o 2ad?

Aradia: he realized that sn0w d0esnt f0ssilize it just melts

Sollux: your 2nowmen lead tragiic liive2.

Aradia: well theyre n0t very bright

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[[ i have to just rant a little bit about machina’s lcie incognito time. my memories of the game are foggy since it has been a while since i played it but let me go with what i remember, hopefully haha. sorry in advance if this is jumbled, im just writing things which comes to my mind. when i find proper time to replay and catch up on some readings here and there, i will do a better one sobs.

but yes. machina’s personality started to shift to the worse after attaining the byakko lcie focus. i think it has to do with the crystal (aka cid?) talking to him, urging him to fulfil his focus. i find it now amusing that he could have been the perfect spy to take the vermilion bird’s crystal, or at least snoop around to find where it is for the white tiger to come and sweep in to take it but oh well. i guess no one kind of believed that he could do that with how tight the security would be ofc. also probably not sure if someone who acquired that power would be able to like properly use it, not until he left the academy after a certain time frame (bridge chapter when he finally broke tm.)

Anyway, that question aside, his personality. With the lcie power in effect, i can imagine how confusing and painful it was for him. to fight your own thoughts and someone’s voice in your head, slowly and gradually forget who you are, why you are fighting for and for whom. Machina’s conviction was not strong to let him remember these things after the white tiger’s crystal power took over him. Instead of machina, we have incognito, a lcie with no recollection of why he fights, but simply fights to test his power? to prove he can fight? to acquire new powers? incognito does what the focus (cid) is telling him to do, fight, he fights, go back and be on stand by, he will do that. it is funny that he, now a lcie did not even think to challenge the zeroes when they went into ingram. cid probably knew, if not for sure that even after being a lcie he is not strong enough to take them down because they will not kill him. yes, i can see that the zeroes wont kill him, more like just pity him more and it would be more lethal than killing him. 

ok. so machina slowly forgetting who he is, is just painful for anyone who would talk to him knowing that it is him. Even before leaving the academy he will not be that upbeat and friendly guy, no. it can’t be helped when he no longer hear himself, but someone else’s voice. plus the whole jealousy towards the zeroes for being strong and way ahead of him–so far away he cannot hope to reach them. former classmates from Class TWO would know something is wrong but not sure anyone would really comment on that because one) not many where left in the class to begin with two) machina had been somewhat hard to reach at times so i can assume they’ll be like yep he is back at it again, trying to be stronger and ignoring us. 

his speech pattern will be less colorful. his answers and replies will be short and concise unless he had to explain something which he feels daunting to do. usually, he would have strike conversations with others but now he will steer away from conversations. only butt in when the conversation is about rem. that nervous timid at times hint in his voice (sometimes the excited puppy noises) no more. it feels like you are dragging words out of him if he was not in the mood (can you blame someone questioning what is going on inside his brain?)

It’s just sad that probably his last line to rem was that he is going to protect her, protect orience, everything was twisted in his brain and used against him. shakes my fist. leave my child alone, baldy! why it is sad to think he cannot recognize faces when he became incognito, i mean he didnt realize he is fighting rem until whoops stabbing her. thanks to the intervention of the crystal, i can picture that he suffers from something similar to prosopagnosia, but not that severe (maybe because he mentally knows what he did wrong so he cannot in a way look at anyone’s face and be comfortable. he betrayed everyone. he feels shame. all that is just killing him as well.)

incognito machina is just….white black filter. acually just dull black. nothing is there, just the sense he has to keep doing whatever he is doing and prove that he can fight too. lost. sad. young man. fighting himself and not knowing this fight is a lost one. dont touch me. im krying.

thanks for coming to my ted talk. please. hand over your tissues.  

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Apropos of nothing I suddenly have a theory that Yen’s bright red lipstick clashing with her purple eyes is on purpose, that it’s a representation of how she still doesn’t feel at home in this version of herself, the one she made to survive Aretuza, to survive not being what people wanted, to survive being in danger by playing the part people wanted from her. Red lipstick is a classic beauty queen look to the point of being stereotypical, the pageant queen, the pin up, disney’s evil queen is who is so feared and so powerful and so iconic that we still don’t know what her name is because she doesn’t need a name, she’s just a villain, just a woman with power who must go mad from it. And there’s a reason it looks wrong on Yennefer. My prediction is that as she gains traction and control in her life by identifying what she wants and bringing her considerable power to bear on making that happen, she will choose to wear purple lipstick to match her eyes, the part of herself she chose to keep, aligning the performative self with the authentic self as she becomes comfortable in her own identity.

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i’ll never get over how easily a grown ass white man’s ego is hurt. like yall, it was a fucking twitter poll on the internet. people on the internet do shit like that, it’s not new and to some degree it isn’t even personal. crisp rat is literally a movie star, he is a famous person. people criticize movie stars and famous people all. the. time. that’s how it goes. rdj said “if you have issues w crispy then delete your social medias” or some bullshit like ?? why don’t you delete your social medias since you’re so pressed about? if rdj and crispy didn’t have socials then they wouldn’t really see people making fun of them now would they?? and not everyone has to like you. in fact not everyone is going to like you. grow up and get over yourself lmao

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