#why does my mind just throw have sentences and feelings at me all at 80mph but doesn’t stop to let me grab one

[dillislazii]

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//tw heavy vent in tags that probably doesn’t even make sense I just need to write something down

#why can’t I actually have well thought out logical counterpoints and arguments when my mom confronts me abt sum shit #why does my mind just throw have sentences and feelings at me all at 80mph but doesn’t stop to let me grab one #why do I automatically feel like anything I say will just be used against me or one of my siblings #‘you should have come to me first before talking to your siblings’ ‘I’d hope you would talk to me first before telling the other kids’ #yeah maybe I don’t feel like I can talk to you ever because you’re ‘always right’ or justifiable in your actions? #maybe none of us want to have a ‘normal relationship’ with you rn because of all the hurt you’ve caused over our whole lives #but I can’t say that because I know you won’t accept it #‘I’m not perfect I’m sorry for what I’ve done’ in THAT tone wouldn’t fix anything #‘I was a very good mom’ you always say on the brink of tears #how are we supposed to argue with that #yes. you were good with some things but you hurt us on others and just because we all are realizing just how much you’ve hurt us now and #need space and time to process isn’t unfair to you #just because all of us are talking about the hurt you’ve cause and processing that together doesn’t mean we’re just gossiping about you #shut up about the stupid ‘I’ve been so unhappy in my marriage and if I stayed I would kill myself do you want that??’ argument #you KNOW it’s deeper than that #ofc we don’t want you to stay in this loveless marriage it’s just the way you’re handling it #we know dad isn’t faultless but he’s been more receptive to hearing our hurts while we legitimately can’t address that w you #and how you NEVER come up to my room but you did just to tell me you’re leaving? #since when? you’ve never had a problem texting or calling me about something so trivial #I see through your shit I know you wanted to sneak up there to catch me on the phone with my siblings #your emotional manipulation is astounding #fuck I need therapy #‘you don’t know this but I’ve been telling your dad I want a divorce for eight years now’ SHUT UP THAT WAS MY LIFE WTF DO YOU MEAN #at least I was able to confront you on that #I constantly heard you yelling at him and saying you’d leave #it became normal which is fucked up thank you very much #when you told us this year I wasn’t even surprised that you wanted a divorce I was just surprised you’re really going thru with it this time #why do I feel like any time you’re ‘unhappy’ w me I can’t help but feel like you’ll take away smth like the things you do are conditional #and not simply bc you’re my fucking mom #I love you but I don’t know how to act around you when you’re so unhealthy