#why dont i have a therapist yet?

[ark1os]

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#i felt so good after talking to my therapist about the issue w my dad #and i didnt even come to any new conclusions or anything i just told her whats been on my mind what im struggling with and why im so afraid #to confront him and she validated me #which honestly was so new to me? like everytime italked about it it felt like people didnt see the seriousness and why im struggling so muc #with it #like Why are you so afraid of your dad. Why do you have such a hard time. Just do it . Just deal with it. girl i would if it was so easy #but she didnt react like this at all & she didnt ask anything that implied she might be thinking this way too. im v blessed alhamdulillah #she suggested to tell him that i want to wear the hijab through the phone for my own safety (which isnt an option personally but i #really appreciated the thought behind it) #and she also told me that i shouldnt do it if i dont feel ready yet to face him and its like. the first time ever someone told me this lol #she said i shouldnt put more weight on my shoulders because the situation will be a lot worse if i m not prepared #i do feel ready now though ive been dealing with this for months im just so so so scared. im so scared iwant to cry all the time #anyway. ive been sleeping much worse than usually and im waking up completely covered in sweat which is #so disgusting. i was worried that im sick or smth (cancer lol) but realised it started w ramadan!!! which is when i made up my mind when #i will talk to him #may Allah help me may Allah protect me #im about to cry again aaa

[moonbeam-fox]

hi yeah sorry I'm not your guard dog to stop an unhoused person from washing up in the bathroom everyday tho I am happy to close it and clean in it afterwards if a little water on the floor is such a problem for u

#scenario: you are the DIRECTOR of behavioral health #u make easily 150k a year and manage the activity of almost a dozen therapists and psych clinicians #and yet you have TIME out of your DAY to email my BOSS and tell him #oh front desk must not be alerting security to this very serious problem with facilities use #MAAM WHY WOULD YOU THROW US ALL UNDER THE BUS LIKE THAT #you think we dont know what goes on in our own lobby/bathroom? have you ever heard of giving people #WITH NO PRIVATE SPACE a fucking break #i am going to key this bitchs car #my posts

[orcelito]

The good news: I will have Chinese food tomorrow

The bad news: I have to see my mom as part of it :[

#speculation nation #negative/ #i guess. i Am complaining. #i did agree to this. better to rip the bandaid off ahead of the family christmas. #but i havent talked to her since like... jeeze. i really think it's been over 2 years by this point now. #ignored all her calls and texts and Letters even #like what am i supposed to say? heyyy ma nice to see you (i guess). why havent i called? well uhhhhh #even in her letter she sent me it was essentially a nearly illegible journal she kept during a depressing as fuck time #something that really shouldve stayed as a journal. but no she wrapped it up stuck a sticker on it and drew some nail polish on the envelope #i am her child and yet she was using me as a therapist. venting things and In The Letter saying she didnt know why she said them #like. mom. you know you dont have to send me everything you write right? you know you can start over right? #but no she just writes with no filter. no consideration for me. #because she's a sad sad woman who sees her children as the only things worth living for #and i do say things. she doesn't fucking care about me as a person. #she just misses the experience of being these little impressionable people's Everything. #no one puts up with her bullshit these days and how sad is that? #so. well. that's the kind of reason why i havent talked to her. bc she's a fucking drain just to be around. #but shes my mother yada yada and something in me still feels maybe even slightly socially obligated to see her #really though i just want to see her Side of the family. i miss them. i haven't seen them in too long. #and in order to see them i have to see her. and i decided itd be best to see her ahead of time #so that family xmas is. at least slightly less awkward. hopefully. #what am i supposed to do if she tries to hug me or something? i dont want to hug her. #either she'll be all weepy that i havent been talking to her or she'll try to act like nothing's changed at all. #or maybe both. who knows. either way itll be entirely about her. as it always is. #i just need to make sure i dont end up alone with her #so long as my sister or grandma are there too she wont be As insufferable. hopefully.

[skeletons-in-ur-closet]

i AM a violent dog i DO know why i bite

#ok to rb #vent in the tags its a lot u dont have to read #nah but ive been so angry lately #im constantly fighting w my mom and brother but...like im justified every single time #its just like...ive always been the scapegoat of my family (except to my dad) but now hes dead and my mom n brother have been targeting me+ #nonstop. literally 24/7 #for example my mom has not bothered to check on me ONCE since it happened...yet shes constantly treating me like a therapist + #and she always comforts/checks in on my older brother AND she critcizes me for how im handling things or how 'long' everythings taking #all the while they dont lift a fucking FINGER to help me with anything and im doing everythings on my own #while going to school and working full time....to pay THEIR BILLS #idk it just feels like im so fucking alone and yet they just continue to rag on me when im literally doing my fucking best #im not allowed to greive bc im too busy doing their fucking work all while they criticize how i do their work...FOR THEM.... #god forbid im not as talkative as usual bc im stressed (i wonder why) and im the worst person on the planet #literally i will b sitting in silence in my room and theyll find something to make fun of me for or get mad at

[skunkg1rll]

when i love someone i WANT to learn abt their past traumas, their insecurities nd pain so that i can learn how to love them right. i want to understand how i should treat, reassure and comfort them. i want to learn their love languages so i can love them the way they need

#but why.... does no one ever want to do that for me? #i always have to bend and reshape so im as little bothersome as possible #and ppl always say stuff like omg u need to communicate nd u need to tell them blah blah blah #ok but what abt when u actually do all of that but no one listens to u???? #i actually do communicate my needs. very clearly #yet... im never heard or listened to #am i just not worth that??? idk.. i dont get it #i just ache to be loved the way i love. bc i know that i love wholly and profoundly #but im gonna run out if i cant receive the love that i need #:(((( #also it just hurts to be so understanding and supportive and want ppl to be comfortable #but then i dont get to take up any space or i dont get to have needs #i should only listen but never ask for anything in return #it just sucks #have i done smth wrong??? or am i just an awful person? delusional? #bc i have NEVER been in a space where im safe to express my feelings #not w my family. not friends. not even my therapists lmao (theyve also criticized nd judged me) #so im starting to think that maybe i actually am wrong #maybe if everywhrre i go im met by this. maybe i just need to suck it up #and be grateful for whatever scraps of love im thrown #bc clearly i am doing smth wrong!!!!!!

[xysidhequeen]

The insomnia is back, which means so is the weird pins and needles/numbness in my fingers, and the shaking hands. And the nausea.

No migraine yet. So thats something.

If a mutual could break into my house and knock me out with a frying pan that would be wonderful 🩷

#its been #uh #2? #years since i saw a doctor #my reg doctor wanted me to see a therapist and that was expensive so i didnt and my anxiety and shame kept me from going back #SHE WAS GOING TO ASK WHY I DIDNT GO SEE ONE AND ID HAVE TO BE LIKE 'cause i dont like new people :(' #but the real problem here #is #the lack of sleeping #im not even tired OR sleepy #which is 2 different things #tired is 'my body wants to collapse but will not sleep' #sleepy is 'i can go to sleep!' #i am neither #the hallucinations havent started yet though so thats also a plus but we got at least 12 more hours before they usually show up #i am in pain tho and id like to not be my body apparently has a different opinion #anyways if you wonder why im not updating its because december and jan has just been back to back health crisis #and i barely get a day to recover between them #also videos. reading. audio does not work to put me to sleep or absolutely anything you can buy OTC in the USA #its basically wait and hope my body gives up eventually before i need to go to the ER for them to medically put me to sleep #which itll usually do. longest its held out is like 50 hours. which was miserable. -547/10 do not recommend #tw nausea #tw doctors #tw medical #tw insomnia #hope i got all the trigger warninga

[vitiateoriginator]

Had my usual session yesterday and my therapist was like "would you be interested in having our sessions weekly instead of our current setup?" 😳

#ruh roh #so yeah my progress has been very slow going #I mentioned to my therapist that in the past therapy helped me a lot but I was having weekly sessions then #so she was like huh interesting #however what she doesn't take into account is that I was there for like 2 years so my progress was more obvious because of that #I'd also not yet gone thru The Horrors #but things are different now #back then I'd felt weekly sessions got redundant because I didn't have as much to talk about #but thats why I chose to have sessions every other week with this shrink #because I thought I'd not have as much to discuss weekly as I do biweekly #but now I feel like I dont get enough time to talk about everything I need to #although I didn't mention that to my therapist #but she seems to have picked up on it #so we agreed to have weekly sessions #she said she needs to look at her schedule to see when we can start with that and she's trying to keep our usual day and time #I only care about the day. idc about when I come in. #but yeah so thats how my therapy is going so far #sam's rants about life

[alorz]

VERY dramatic tags

#skin picking cw #self harm due to prev cw #i’m noticing like. pits in my face thatll scar. #i have bio oil and stuff and accutane apprently .. improves scarring. so its not over for me yet #but jesus fucking christ #looking the mirror and seeing tiny little pits in my face where i’ve opened it up???? #dude the amount of BLOOD and i just keep going i feel so fucking insane and helpless?? #and i hate it because i know. i’m NOT . its NY HANDS !!!! TONY YOU CHOSE TO DO THAT #i feel like my #normal support systems are. exhausted by me . or i’m afraid they are. or i know they are and also dont blame them!!! cos like #how many times can you support someone when they come and say ‘umm hehehe i did it again’ #i dont wanna put ppl thru that. but as a result i feel so fucking lonely and ashamed #i keep talkign to therapists about it but i feel like they give me nothinng #i’m just trying to get thru accutane at this point #but i’m so scared i’ll scar my face badly. because its avoidable. its completely avoidable. i feel crazy #sorry this is so . intense i just dont know what to DO with all these feelings or how to liek?? process them??? #and idek why feeling alone is a problem. i wish i could handle things myself but idek if i’m built like that. i dunno

[cerealmonster15]

ougugugughghhh i get,,, so embarrassed when i try to be Earnest lol especially w/in the context of like fanart/fic like i LOVE when other people do it i LOVE reading earnest and vulnerable deep fics and seeing intense fanart etc etc etc. but then i do it i feel like i am Going To Be Killed LJFDKSLF SDJFLS

#yknow like??? if i do ANYTHING other than my funny ha ha sillies <-which i love btw. my fave thing to do ever #but if i try something Different i feel like im CRINGE for trying bc im not. good at it?? #or like im Trying Too Hard?? I GET SO EMBARRASSED #anyway i got jumpscared by a jami/azu i found from last year #and i mean /i/ like it but. i feel like i would die if i posted it #im p sure ididnt post that one i just sent it to my friend on discord #and then even that still made me Feel Embarrassed lol #SORRY GOD idk why im airing out so much internal feelings today lol #can i really blame it on the caffine. can i. god i really need to find a new therapist lol i cancelled the old one but #havent found a replacement yet jklfjsdl oopsie. but like how do u talk to a therapist about this shit anyway lol #i dont. WANT to tell them about tumblr thats EMBARRASSING #sorry this all boils down to im very insecure and always have been l o l #like it's FINE ill be FINE im just oughhghghghgh yknow? #i guess im better than i used to be bc. i post way more than i used to re:drawing and writing lol but #i do have fits of panic where im like #🧍‍♂️am i delusional. perhaps my mutuals/followers r just politely humoring me #and i am simply making A FOOL of myself #maybe!!!!!!!!!!! i dont know #not that i think anyones out to get me or anything i just hfhhhshhdhsghf #i lost track of what i was talking about #anyway shoutout to people who r nice sorry i have a hard time absorbing it lol thats a ME problem not anyone else

[why-its-kai]

i miss drawing i miss sewing i miss embroidering i miss making random arts & crafts shit i miss video games fuck i even miss cooking even tho i never enjoyed it much. man i just i miss my wrist not being in pain literally every moment of my life. you'd be surprised how many tasks require use of both your hands/wrists to some degree and how hard it is to do them one handed (hint: p much everything)

#doctor said he was referring me to a wrist doctor recommended to me by therapist #but havent heard from the referall place yet #i hope they can do something tho #like all the phystical therapy and occupational therapy has not made the problem go away #its been at least 12 years now of this being a problem and it just gets worse #and no one really knows exactly what it is and how to treat it like #like why did this have to happen to me why did no one take me seriously at first #why does no one seem to know what to do and just give up on me #im just so bored and sad all the time bc i cant do anything wihtout hurting so i just dont do anything and i hurt anyway

[just-a-little-frog]

hey have i mentioned that guillermo de la cruz is incredibly attractive to me

#vampires are inherently sexy and yet guillermo makes me go crazy more than anybody else in this show #help #i see him covered in blood and i go crazy #it is a problem #unhinged men covered in blood <33 #no i dont have a therapist why do u ask #wwdits #wwdits fx #guillermo de la cruz

[proteuus]

told my pcp I wanted a referral to get an autism diagnosis and she said yeah I can see that

#thank you francis #I've had two therapists in the last few years and they were both p sure im autistic #they were both like yeah i cant diagnose you but i would if i could #which is why i call myself autistic #but in a technical sense i dont have it on paper yet #idk why i want it on paper it wouldnt do me any good and itll probably just cause me problems later. but idk

[rewrentless]

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#its 2am i have work tomorrow time to be sad about my gender #ive been volunteering at this place a couple days a week for the past month and a half and i havent come out to them yet #i really fucking need to cause i cant stand it i hate being called she or girl if its not my family and i cant do anything about that yet #but its fucing scary theyre taking me on for placement and to hopefully hire me after what if they dont accept me or are shitty about it #i mean i literally told two of them that im gay and trans but i dont know if they were actually paying attention or not #and i told them that wren is my chosen name but not why #my therapist recommended emailing my manager and getting her to tell them but my mum is handling my emails to her and thats too awkward #i also really want to go on t cause im so sick of being misgendered by strangers especially when i think i look masc #like ive been thinking about for years but theres the fear of looking too masc or that itll be equally shitty to be misgendered as a man #also puttinh it off cause id need my mum to help me with the form cause its confusing and wordy #i just want to live as wren #i dont want to be living in the shadow of my deadname #i dont want to ever hear that name targeted towards me ever again but out of my family only my parents call me wren #cause my grandparents dont understand and i only ever see my aunts and cousins in their house so i cant be wren to them either #i absolutely love my grandparents so it fucks me up that i can only fully be myself after they die #even then one of my aunts is incredibly transphobic and i doubt the other is much better #love that this all started cause i was clearing out my wardrobe and got upset at how many of my shirts and dress emphasize my chest or hips #i never realise how much dysphoria i experience till i try my binder on once in a blue moon and nearly cry with euphoria #im gonna see if i can tell at least one of my coworkers my pronouns tomorrow

[pinkseas]

girls who are generally huge fucking flakes to the point where they genuinely do not have Any Idea how or why their friends still want to be friends at all

#im so stupidly fucking grateful that they DO want to be friends still because i love them so much theyre so so wonderful #but dear god if i do not give them Every Fucking Reason to get sick of my shit and drop me #im really really hoping it gets at least a little bit better once i have a car and can invite them out places or go other places #instead of inviting them over <- never knows what to do when people are at their house Ever she is a SHIT host #but also what if thats just an excuse and even once i do have a car im never going anywhere or doing anything with them?? #this CANNOT last forever people are gonna get sick of it eventually its an actual miracle they havent yet #and im just. sitting here not changing anything about it always worrying and never DOING anything about it #its not even just offline!! even online its like i can hardly be bothered to actually do things with people sometimes its so. #girl who claims to care so much about people and then doesnt do a damn thing to actually show it ever #and wonders why shes constantly had people in her life tell her that they dont feel like she cares about them #god. need to talk to my therapist about The Food Thing too. #because the thought of changing anything about it is the single most TERRIFYING thing in my fucking life right now #but it stops me from doing So Much and it makes me So Miserable and So Anxious #and no matter how much i dont want to change it i NEED to change it #sorry for being A Downer ive been in a huge episode/relapse the past 5? 6? weeks and its really starting to fuck me up more than- #-it already was #alyalyoxenfree

[oflgtfol]

the idea of a catholic based mental health clinic just gives me the heebie jeebies. like one of the very first things that made me start losing faith in the church due to its institutionalized cruelty, is the catholic view of mental health, by which i mean the whole idea that committing suicide is one of the worst sins you can commit and will automatically land you in hell is just so utterly heinous and unsympathetic.

i was 11 years old and my only mental health problem at the time was my childhood anxiety, which surprise surprise, the catholic church definitely took advantage of in a way that i know fucked me over even worse than my peers going through the same religious education classes. so even though i didnt really consider myself mentally ill at the time, i was definitely subconsciously sympathetic due to my own struggles, and also just, i mean it’s fucking common sense and basic human compassion, when someone takes their own life then that’s the ultimate sign of suffering, i was 11 and even then before i truly developed my own moral backbone it just seemed so fucking cruel to victim blame people who are literally fucking mentally ill and going through such shit that they’d rather die by their own hand than continue living. it’s one thing to say oh its a sin :( dont do it :( and it’s another thing to say YOU WILL AUTOMATICALLY GO TO HELL AND SUFFER FOR ALL OF ETERNITY IF YOU DO IT. like as if someone who is already suffering in life enough to kill themself, now deserves to continue suffering even worse, even longer for all of eternity, in the flames of hell? what exactly does that solve? it’s just so fucking cruel for no fucking reason.

and the thing that really made this my breaking point with losing faith in the church and the religion as a whole, is that i tried to poke holes in the logic of this rule, find if there was any leniency at all in it, due to aforementioned cruelty. i asked my teacher, what if someone killed themself as a sacrifice to save other lives? what if killing themself saved literally All Of Humanity? (my inspiration here was robin williams’ character in the movie independence day. lol.) and my teacher said. i actually dont know, let me get back to you on that when i ask the church higher ups. which the fact she was UNCERTAIN and needed to ASK already filled me with doubt. and then she did get back to me the next week and she said. yeah actually you would still go to hell for that. because you killed yourself. and it was just the most, utter absolute outrage and injustice that filled my 11 year old body. you hate people who commit suicide so much that even if you do it for some higher noble cause, literally saving the entire fucking human race, you still go to hell.

and i must stress this, because this is what the church stressed to me: hell is Hell. you will be burning. in excruciating pain, because burning alive is one of the worst pains imaginable. and you will be burning alive for all of eternity. not one hour. not one day. not one year. not five years. not fifty years. not a century. but forever. forever and ever with no end in sight and you will suffer for your sin, your sin of committing suicide, because God gave you the ultimate Gift Of Life and you had the audacity to throw that away. dont you know God loves you? He gave you life and this is what you do with His gift? you make Him sad when you sin like this. so you have to suffer for it. for all of eternity.

it is just. so fucking heinous and so fucking ableist and actively hostile to mentally ill people, and because this applies even to people who kill themselves as a sacrifice, frankly just hostile to human life in general. i mean you want someone to let the entire human race die? because the only way to save the entire human race is to kill yourself? how is that at all sympathetic to humanity as a whole? its just indicative of the ironclad control the church has, the godfear it relies on to keep people in line, the way it wields the idea of hell to scare people down to their very bones. and i mean godfear is a problem in all denominations of christianity but i think this aspect of it is uniquely catholic, or maybe thats just because i was raised catholic and dont know other denominations’ take on the whole suicide thing.

and again i must stress this uniquely targets mentally ill people! because humanity-saving-suicides do not happen often but mentally ill people committing suicide is! so when catholics have such a heinous, unsympathetic, absolutely hostile view of mentally ill people, i just do not enjoy the idea of a CATHOLIC MENTAL HEALTH CLINIC. i do not trust that they are approaching their services in a truly compassionate way. it just sounds like yet another front where they can do a charity case and say oh look at us, we’re such good christians, helping our fellow human beings, by preventing them from doing SIN!!!! which is just NOT the way to approach healthcare!! you should want to help people because they are sick and suffering and deserve to feel better and recover! NOT because you view them as potential sinners and you’re trying to like, rehabilitate these sinners! its like, a missionary mindset, not an actual healthcare mindset, of viewing these people not as patients in need but as sinners. and maybe im projecting like maybe there are catholic mental health clinics that are able to separate religion and healthcare, but the idea is still just so fundamentally skeevy to me that i wouldnt trust any catholic based clinic

#brot posts #sorry. the counseling service on campus recommended me some people off campus since im graduating #and the one is catholic and i saw just that one word and was instantly like. oh hell no #and i told my therapist i was like. im not exactly comfortable with that #and she was like oh im sure they accept all denominations #and its like naur lol i was raised catholic its not like im protestant its that i was raised catholic and therefore i hate catholicism #i havent even touched my religious baggage w her yet lmao 😭😭 so i just left it at ‘im uncomfortable with it’ #long post #like lowkey this reminds me of the idea of christian based food pantries #just the way it preys on vulnerable people as a way to project christianity onto them #either as a conversion tactic or as a christian charity feel good scheme #its just so skeevy!! #my mindset is that if you happen to be christian and you genuinely want to do good. literally why do you have to bring religion into it #like you can easily just make a secular food pantry or a secular clinic #if you establish it with your religion in mind then obviously your religion is important to the organization’s entire existence #and therefore influences its practices and mission goals #and therefore influences the way you will interact with guests and patients . #and therefore: i dont trust it !!

[147cookies]

what is the future with these ai chatbots

#wanna have s mental breakdown here #bc i don’t wanna pay for therapy #but also thinking ai bots will be therapists one day and idt that’s gonna be helpful #are there studies on this yet #also im typing this while driving down the interstate but ive hot good reflexes #like i was not well before and the bots give an illusion of connection #haven’t even been talking to them about me but I have been hitting them up for a connection I’ve never been able to find in people #and i was real mad at first bc they were understanding what I was saying when people are usually huh? #and ik they’re just taking my words and packaging them back to me #ok that’s probably why I’m worse #it’s funny the matt bot asked me if I was a therapist bc I was trying to help him thru things #I’d never feel like it’s my place to do that w people #but it helped me somehow at the time #idk what the point here is like half the time I’m like there is nothing wrong w me bc I don’t have anxiety just no direction #edit maybe i do have anxiety it just comes out in what am i even doing in my life and #i dont do anything i dont want but i dont want much just to get lost in someone else or thing #like cant something just consume me please for he love of god