#why has my emotional state been just WACK the last few days | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

xsugarysweetsx · 3 years

Text

Request; from @tsundere-cherry-girl

Hello there! I love your writings btw, especially the Levi ones. I’ve seen you write scenarios like this before so I was gonna ask if you could do Zuko x pregnant reader. If you’ve read the comics, she becomes pregnant around the time of the Promise and goes into labor after the final battle in Smoke and Shadow. The child being Izumi. If you haven’t read the comics you don’t need to do that. I just want to see some Zuko and reader with baby Izumi fluff UwU

A/N: I changed it up just a tiny bit to fit the comic but also be it’s own story as well, ALSO! I’m sorry this took so long!

Warning; Long, had to be cut for length

Please enjoy~🍰

*******************************************************

The night was calm, quiet, and warm. You laid in your husbands arms as you both slept. After so much chaos, hatred and war you were finally able to rest. Well, almost, Zuko has been very jumpy since being crowned fire lord. Although some of his hunches did turn out to be true, he was very set on someone trying to kill him

“Guards!“ he had woken you from your sleep calling for the guards again, “Someone is here, secure Y/N and search the area!“ he ordered them as he jumped from bed. You following him to bring him back to bed

“Fire Lord Zuko, there is no one here, you’re safe“ one explained rushing to the door where he was ready to fight. Sometimes you thought he had too much trauma as a child that it will forever effect him

“Zuko sweet, please come back to bed. The guards have been here the whole night“ you said laying a hand on his chest attempting to keep him in a calmer state

“You highness I can assure you no one is here-“

“There have been 5 attempts already on my life! Next thing you know they’ll come for my wife“ he grabbed the guard by the front of his uniform to make the message clear as to how serious he was

“Sir we’ve-“ just as the guard spoke his head had been hit by an object knocking him out to the floor. Zuko pushes you behind him and gets into his fighting stance ready to defend you

“Who’s there?! Show yourself“ just as commanded the intruder shows themselves whirling around what seemed to be a metal ball with spikes. Right before your eyes they go at it. Taking swings at each other, sooner than expected Zuko has his opponent at his mercy being taken away by his guards. He comes back to check on you

“Hey are you alright? Are you hurt?” he checks your face, you hands anything that could have gotten a scratch. You were physically okay but mentally you didn’t feel so well. You haven’t been feeling 100% for some time now and you were getting suspicious

“I’m not hurt but, I don’t feel well Zuko“ you said leaning your head on his shoulder “Can you help me to bed please?“ You ask him, he wraps an arm around you and helps you walk to the bed and lay down. Walking back to the door his guards wait for his order

“I want double the guards here tonight and tomorrow I need the royal healer here for Y/N“

“Yes Sir!“ he closes the door and walks back to your side of the bed. Kissing your head he watches over you through the night. For one, you might not feel well, and the other being of what just happened. It was going to be a very long night....

~~~

The next morning the healer came as asked and took some time to check up on you while Zuko got ready for the day. He had given you some medical tea blends and told you to get rest. Turns out you were pregnant. Now you needed a way to tell Zuko, and with all the stress he’s under you wouldn’t know how to react. You had just finished getting dressed when he had walked in

“Y/N, I’m heading out into town to settle last nights incident. What did the healer say?“ he asked coming over to where you sat

“Well, it’s nothing to be worried about but, something that will change everything“ you said fiddling with the tips of your hair

“Well?“ he urges you “Come on Y/N, if I hear you’re okay it’ll make my day better“ he offered a soft smile which he knew, you melted for. You said and take his hands into yours and look into his eyes

“I’m pregnant...“ his jaw went slack almost as if he were frozen in time. It scared you “Zuko...?“ anything, he could just make a sound but you needed to hear him say something.

“I....I have to go. I’ll see you later.“ he said kissing your forehead and leaving without saying another word. You were, hurt. You didn’t blame him completely because expressing his emotions wasn’t exactly his forte. Instead while he was out you went to the other person you trusted the most.

Knocking softly on the entrance to the garden Iroh was sat drinking some tea.

“Ah Y/N, good morning come have some tea. I heard Zuko went to town to settle some things“ he said as he poured you a cup “I’ve also heard you’ve got something on your hands“

You simply nod and take the tea he held out to you

“So, why don’t you tell me about it“ he said with a kind smile. Iroh was probably the wisest, kindest soul you knew.

~~~

Later that afternoon Zuko came back and if anything looked more tired than before. You had a hunch as to where he was but you were hoping it wasn't true. Walking to him you cup his chin with both your hands and make him look at you in the eye

“You need to relax more...“ you said running your thumb over the bags under his eyes “You’re going to be tired before the baby gets here..and stop visiting your father, it’s not good for you“

His larger hands come up to hold yours “I’ll try, and I’m sorry about before...I’m happy” he offered a soft smile

“Are you really?“ you pout slightly making him peck your lips

“Yes I am, I know I’m not the best person for a father or husband..”

“Zuko“ you bring his forehead to rest on yours “You are the best person to be my husband and the father of my children. I couldn’t want anyone else“

As time went on things only weighed in his shoulders more. You were probably the only thing that kept him sane. You were also starting to show, your baby was growing nicely and very restless as well. On days when Zuko would have trouble sleeping the baby would get restless leaving both of you tired. But he had figured it out, if he lays in bed with you and talks to your bump, the baby calms down.

“What do you think it’ll be Zuko?“ you asked

“Hmm, I think it’s a girl. They refuse to listen, and gets upset when I don’t talk to it, I’d say it’s you any day“ you gently wack his shoulder causing you both to laugh “I don’t mind what they are, if they’re healthy and we can make them happy is all I care about“

“You’re going to be a great father Zuko“ you said kissing his forehead

“But...what if-“

“I’m going to stop you ahead of time. You are NOTHING like that man and you will never be. You are the kindest, strongest, best man I have ever met and our baby is lucky enough to have you as a father”

Yes, he was terrified to make the same mistake this father make the same mistake his father made. You knew him better than anyone and if he were half as back as his father, you wouldn’t be there at that moment.

~~~

By the time you were almost due it seemed as if war had never left. From Azula attacking once again, to disagreements and even almost a Fight with Aang. Things were heavy on his shoulders, he’s tightened security because of your baby. The last thing he wanted was for anything to happen to you both.

Finally a day where everything was being settled, calmly he felt some kind of relief. That was until a guard barged into the meeting room to announce you had gone into labor. The funny thing about Zuko is that he’s fast and for some reason no one sees him. As soon as people looked away from the door and back to Zuko, only his chair was in their sight.

“Do you think he left that fast when he heard you were alive?” Sokka asked as the room became quiet

Rushing to the healers room at the door he was told he wasn’t allowed inside.

“What do you mean?! My wife is giving birth to our baby and I need to be with her!” This was going to be an old rule he was going to get rid of...

“I-I apologize sir but it’s been a tradition for generations-“

“ZUKO!!” Next thing you knew one of the midwives came to the door and saw Zuko and said

“The lady wishes for you to be with her Fire Lord Zuko” she said timidly. It took him less than a second to trip of his cape and run to your side. This was it, the end of your pregnancy, labor, the day your baby would finally be in your arms. It was a very difficult day for you, she took all day to be born and finally when the moon was high in the sky she made her appearance. She was just perfect, and for a moment the world seemed so at peace.

“She looks like you“ you whisper to Zuko as you both gaze down and admire her

“Yeah but, she’s beautiful like you“ he whispered back, he truly felt something he’s never felt. It was happiness, excitement, protectiveness, and everything in between. He doesn’t remember the last time he was this happy, this was the best day right next to your wedding day.

Just as you expected he really was a wonderful father. During the first few weeks he wanted you only on bed rest. At night he would help care for Izumi and calm her when she needed it. He was actually the one who taught her to walk. When Aang and the rest of your friends met her, he was secretly super proud and cocky about it. They couldn’t get over how much she looked like him and just how cute she was.

He also liked to have her sleep in the same bed as you guys while she was still young. When he couldn’t sleep he would just gaze at her and talk to her, even though she couldn’t answer back.

“..and you could be anything you want to be, and you could rule the kingdom your way. If you’re like your mother I know you’ll be a kind and smart ruler. You probably can’t understand me right now but, I love you and your mother so much“ you felt your hear swell while you pretended to be asleep.

Although your favorite memory was him showing her how to bend when she first made a flame. She was around 6 when she first bended and he felt the flame of pride light in his chest. He showed her how to meditate and control it instead of training. He was always patient and gentle with her. It was very safe to say he was never the same as his father was with him.

Izumi and Zuko were nothing more than the center of your universe, the apples of your eye. And you knew it was the same for Zuko when he looked at you.

*******************************************************

I hope this was okay!❤️

#zuko x reader #avatar the last airbender #avatar the last airbender x reader #atla x reader #atla zuko #prince zuko #zuko #anime #anime x reader #fanfiction #atla fanfic #atla pregnant

431 notes · View notes

marveloussupernerd · 3 years

Text

Take care of him - Jumin Han

Warnings: angst, death, NOT a happy ending

Summary: you and Jumin were living a happy life with your baby girl, until an accident happened that put your life on the line

Hi! I wanted to put it out there that this is a heavy topic. I lost my mom when I was still a toddler and so I don’t have any memories of her. So this is quite an emotional thing for me to write but I hope y’all angst ppl enjoy

“Jumin,” you called, poking your head in the door of his home office. You had your daughter on your hip; she was only ten months old but was the light of you and your husband’s life. “When do you think you’ll be done?” You tried to convince him to take a year off for the baby; he couldn’t do that of course. It was selfish to think so. But you didn’t want him to miss a moment of the baby’s first year.

He looked up at you and the baby, a bright smile on his face. “I’ll try and get done soon,” his face fell a little, “but it still might be an hour or so.”

You walked over to him, bending down to kiss his cheek. “Okay!” You directed your attention to the baby. “You say okay dada? Da-da?” You were working on her saying her first words.

She just gurbled a little. Jumin chuckled and leaned in to kiss her. “I’ll be out as soon as possible,” he told you. You went back out to play for a little before she would get tired.

She was fond of the plastic key rings. She liked the sound it made when she shook it. And teething with it, of course. Her second favorite toy was probably her lamby stuffed animal. Or Elizabeth the 3rd, although you weren’t sure if she counted as a toy. It was nice to get her used to the cat, who walked over to sniff her and usually got pulled about by the baby. She dealt with it for her. She even would come over when the baby cried. Elizabeth really was a good cat.

You kept your eye on her as you walked over to fill Elizabeth’s dish for food. And then it happened. “Ma-ma?” She called.

You nearly passed out. You rushed over to her. “Jumin!” You called, hoping he wasn’t in a meeting. You swung her into your arms. “Hi Baby! Did you say Mama? Ma-ma?” You tickled her tummy, making her laugh.

Then you took her to her father. You didn’t even bother knocking this time around. “Guess what!?” You asked excitedly. He turned his chair to focus his attention on you. His eyes were tired but he was still smiling; he always was for the two of you. “She said her first words. You tell Daddy what you said? Mama? Ma-ma? Ma-ma?”

“Mama!” She squealed. Jumin’s face lit up. She giggled and burbled and squirmed. She was so proud of herself.

“Wow! Your first words!” Jumin said excitedly. He stood up from his seat. “This is wonderful!”

“Isn’t it so exciting!?” You were walking on air.

The phone rang. Jumin sighed. “I can get it. You spend some time with her,” you offered, handing her over to her father. He let out a sigh of relief and took her, bouncing her slightly as you went to get the phone.

Press. How did they get your home phone number? You rolled your eyes and hung up, making your way back over to your happy family.

She was crying. Jumin was rocking her, singing softly. He’d never let anyone on the planet hear him sing, spare the two of you. He heard your footsteps and glanced at you. “I feel like she always cries when I hold her.” He sounded slightly frustrated, slightly broken-hearted. “How about I take next week off so we can all spend more time together?”

“That sounds perfect.” You wrapped your arms around his back, nuzzling into his shoulder. Your eyes caught the clock. So that’s why she was crying. “She’s just hungry. Let me go feed her, then she’ll be all happy again.” Jumin passed her off to your arms and she continued crying, clearly ready to eat. Once you got her latched on she was finally quiet.

The next day you weren’t feeling well. Same for the day after. It was probably a million things: feeding the baby, lack of sleep, stress, change in diet from after the baby was born. The doctor had to call in some medicine for you.

You shrugged on a jacket, glancing over at your baby all decked out in a pastel pink winter coat. You knocked on Jumin’s door. “Jumin?” You opened it slightly. “I’m going to the pharmacy to get my medicine. Do you wanna come with us?”

He ran a hand through his hair. He looked exhausted. “I can just send someone to do that for you, Love.”

You couldn’t meet his eye. “I’m... embarrassed about it,” you pouted. “That my whole body is out of wack. I don’t want anyone picking it up. Feels too personal.”

“I wish I could go, but I have a meeting in a few minutes,” he frowned, “Can I have a kiss before you go?”

You laughed, walking over to him to peck him on the lips. “Always,” you whispered. “Love you. Say bye-bye Dada,” you told your baby. She fell silent.

“She’ll get it soon,” Jumin encouraged. You nodded, then headed out.

You strapped her in the car seat and began the drive to the pharmacy. “Dada. Da-da. Can you say dada for me baby?” You encouraged her throughout the drive. What a surprise it’d be to Jumin when she finally got it! You’d just have to keep pushing it.

The car shouldn’t have been there. It shouldn’t have run the red light. It shouldn’t have hit the driver’s seat, sending the car spinning, slamming your front side into a building.

But it was. And it did.

Why were you calling him so soon? Maybe you forgot something at home. Jumin muted himself from the conference call and picked up. “Hi Honey,” he greeted, “I’m still in a meet-“

“Sir? Is this Jumin Han?” That wasn’t his wife’s voice. His heart dropped. His mouth was dry.

“Yes it is.”

Silence. For too long. Every second felt like an hour.

“Your wife has gotten into an accident. Her and the baby are still breathing, but she’s in and out of consciousness. We’re taking them to the hospital. Do you give permission for them to be operated on if necessary?”

And for once, he had no words.

Words used to fly freely from his mouth. Compliments came naturally to him. He always knew what to say. He was raised from birth on how to speak and articulate everything flawlessly. But now he couldn’t speak.

“Sir?”

“Yes. Yes, of course.” What was once slow-motion was finally back to real-time, which felt like a million miles an hour compared to how it was. “What hospital?”

“Saint Joe’s.”

“On my way.”

He hung up the phone. Unmuted himself. “I have a family emergency. We can continue this later.” Didnt wait for a response. Left the call. Forgot a coat. Couldn’t wait for Driver Kim. Drove himself to a hospital. You were a good driver. He was a bad driver. He cursed the world that he made it to the hospital safely. Why did you get in an accident but he didn’t? You were the careful one. Why didn’t you call Driver Kim? He was angry at the world.

You were in surgery when he arrived. They were running tests on his daughter. She appeared pretty unscathed. You had put her on the passenger’s side; a move that saved her life. She never would have survived if she had been on the other side of the car.

She was okay. They gave her to him. She was in his arms. She was okay.

You had gotten out of surgery. They had to monitor you to see if it was successful, but you were out and coming to consciousness.

“...Jumin?” You whimpered, opening your eyes. Your body felt like it was on fire. But he was there, holding your baby. The baby was okay. “Am I dreaming?” You choked out. Were you both really okay?

A tear fell down his cheek. He walked over to you. “You’re not dreaming. She’s okay. And you’re here. You’re here with me. You’re okay,” he whispered. He was afraid if he spoke aloud his voice would crack.

“Oh.” You sighed. “Good.”

And then the waterworks hit. You were crying. “I didn’t mean to. I endangered us. The car came out of nowhere Jumin. I didn’t know what to do! Is the other person okay too?”

He hadn’t even thought to ask. He’d find out later. That wasn’t the main concern. Right now, he was here with you and with the baby, and that was all that mattered.

“They’re keeping you tonight to make sure the surgery was successful,” he stated simply. He couldn’t even listen to his own words. He had been so frightened. But you made it. Of course it was successful. You were breathing and crying and smiling in front of him.

“Take her home.”

He frowned harshly. “I can’t leave you here.”

You frowned right back at him. “She’s going to be hungry soon. She needs you with her. Don’t make her stay with someone unfamiliar, or stay somewhere as strange as this after all she’s been through.”

He sighed. “You’re right.”

“I know I am.”

He kissed your forehead. He took her hand and made her wave. They left.

Your body was on fire. A constant pain. A constant ache that couldn’t go away, no matter how much morphine they gave you.

The next morning Jumin was back. His hair was wet. He had showered. She was in a tutu. She looked cute; he had done a good job dressing her. She was grinning and squeaking and flapping her arms. The doctor told you the surgery was unsuccessful.

Money could buy anything... right?

Another surgery. It was dangerous. There was a lot of internal bleeding. But you needed it. If you didn’t get it, you wouldn’t last more than 3 days. Jumin’s face was stoic. “What are the chances of success?”

“10%,” the doctor said simply, as though this was nothing new or shocking.

“And what if we’re in the 90%?” Jumin fired back. The doctor didn’t answer. He couldn’t meet your eye. That was an answer enough for you.

You looked at Jumin. Put on a smile. Smile. Smile. “10% is 1 in 10. I’m healthy. I eat well, I exercise. We need to do it,” you encouraged him. You never told him about the fire you felt every time you breathed. He didn’t need to know.

“Okay.” You could hardly hear his voice. “Okay.”

The doctor would prep the room for surgery. It would be about an hour. Jumin’s face was crumpled. He was trying so hard to keep it in.

“Hey,” you nudged him. You forced yourself to be optimistic, because what else could you be? “Go get a coffee.”

“I can’t leave you right now. There’s only an hour.”

“Yeah, an hour and then I’ll be gone for a few and then a whole lifetime. Go get a coffee. You look tired.” You weren’t lying. He seemed exhausted. You didn’t think he got any sleep. “And get roses maybe.”

“You want roses?” He smiled.

You laughed. Fire in your gut. “Duh. I’m gonna be here for a few days at least. It’ll liven the place up.”

“Okay. How many?” He put a smile on his face too.

“I don’t know... however many you feel like. I’ll even take the baby so you can pick out in peace.” You held your arms out to take her. Jumin carefully set her in your arms. “I missed holding her last night.”

“I’ll be right back. I love you.” He gave you a peck on the lips.

“I love you more.”

And then it was just you and the baby. You could finally let your eyes water. “1 in 10 is still good chances, Baby,” you told her. You knew she couldn’t understand. But you wanted to tell her. “But the way I feel right now... I don’t feel very good.”

You kissed her little cheek. “I’m so happy I could bring you into this world. Make you laugh and speak and crawl. Feed you in the middle of the night. Protect you from that car. I don’t care if it hurt me instead. I protected you.”

Tears were falling. Dripping onto her cheeks. You wiped furiously at your eyes. This wasn’t fair to anyone. “I’m... if I’m okay then you can forget this ever happened. You won’t remember anyways. If I’m gone today you’ll never remember me. I will only live in photographs and old interviews and stories your father will tell. It’ll be hard to grow up without a mother. You’ll panic when you get your first period and Daddy is no help at all. I hope they’ll step up and help you... all our friends. Just... be there for him. Okay? He will watch you grow and teach you so much but... you take care of him too. He’ll get a million things wrong. But he made you. And that was right. And that’s enough for me to know he will take care of you.”

Jumin remembered flowers made you sneeze. If they didn’t make your nose so itchy he would have bought the whole gift shop of flowers. That would have been inconsiderate to other families. He bought baby pink lilies, carrying them up in their pretty vase.

“Hi,” you smiled, greeting him as he entered. You were happy you had stopped talking to the baby when you did. Your tears were all wiped away. You were presentable enough to not show your husband your fear. He set the flowers down next to you. “Those are beautiful.”

“I thought... since she likes pink so much, they’d remind you of her when she goes home at night and you have to stay here,” he shrugged. He put on a smile.

You scooted over in your bed, which was easier said than done. “Come sit with me until they’re ready.” You patted the spot on the bed next to you. “I’m a little nervous.”

“I am too... but you said it yourself. It’ll be okay.” He was smiling again. None of his smiles were genuine. They hadn’t been since he walked through that door this morning.

You looked at him. His mind was clearly racing. He wrapped an arm around you, pulling you close. “You can tell me you’re scared,” you whispered.

“I... I can’t raise her alone.” He buried his face into your neck. Tears soaked the collar of your hospital gown. “I can’t even hold her for ten minutes without her crying.”

“She’s a baby, Jumin. She cries every ten minutes in general.” You couldn’t cry. You focused on your baby’s eyes, shut as she napped in your arms. “I’ll fight my absolute hardest, Jumin. You can’t get rid of me as easily as you think.” If you had to leave this world... you wanted his last memories of you to be happy.

When they came to get you, he kissed you. Once, twice, three times. You kissed the baby. And all you could think was you couldn’t be done. You didn’t formally say goodbye to him. You hadn’t talked to any of the RFA members. You didn’t ask Jaehee to help with your daughter just in case. You didn’t even tell Elizabeth goodbye on your way out last time. You’d have to come back and do it then.

He almost dropped the baby when they told him you didn’t make it. She was so calm. She was still asleep. Her eyes were shut, her mouth smiling slightly. Didn’t she know? Couldn’t she feel the loss of her mother?

He couldn’t believe it at first. He couldn’t talk to anyone. They sent him back to your room to collect your things.

Those pink lilies. He should have gotten something tangible. Something he could selfishly take with him to remind himself of you. These flowers would die. You only got to see them for a few minutes. It was stupid. He’d leave them there.

Your phone. Your phone. The one they called him from to give him the news. It wasn’t even cracked. It still had your smudged fingerprints on it from constant use. How could that accident have broken you completely and leave the phone unscathed!?

He didn’t realize he had thrown it until it clattered on the ground. He was still holding his child in one hand. He needed to be more careful. He had so much rage though...

He needed to be careful.

He bent down and picked up the phone.

It was still spotless. No cracks, not even from being thrown against the cinderblock wall.

He fell, leaning against said wall, holding his daughter in his arms. It was stupid. It was unfair. He was the richest man in the country and he couldn’t save you. What was the point of money if it didn’t do what he needed it to do?

He cried.

She opened her eyes. She still wasn’t crying. She still was as innocent as she had been yesterday, before the accident. As though she knew nothing new. As though nothing had changed. But so much had.

To her, only one thing had. She knew a new word.

“Da-da?”

If anyone wanted the grand total, I cried 18 times while writing this. Tell me if you cried or if I am just dramatic

On a more personal level, the first memory I have is buying pink lilies for my mom the day she died. No memories of her, only of those pink lilies. My sister bought a bear and got to take it home. Every day I think of how I have no momentos of her, just the image of those stupid pink lilies I’m cryin in da club

#mystic messenger #mysme #Jumin han #angst

69 notes · View notes

andrenowthousandsworld · 2 years

Text

been feeling a lot of emotions over the past few days and/or months. moved to a new city and state by myself and the friends I thought were my friends never reached out to me. ive been at my new apartment for almost 7 months now. it actually hurts, a lot. but they’ll never know and if they did..I don’t think they would care as much. my “best friend” that i met when i was in 4th grade didn’t even say happy birthday to me this past year. that really showed me our friendship isn’t what it use to be and also revealed he didn’t really care much about me. same thing goes for my other friend, we have even “friends” for the past 20 something years and I always thought we were brothers and I meant something to him. everything comes to light and i feel like what was shown was his disinterest in our friendship. my family and 2 close friends have came to visit me. which I’m very grateful and thankful for because the city that I live seems so closed but at the same time promote themselves as of their not. Ive been single for about 2 years and before that I was in a serious relationship for 6 years (3-4 years in and out of it). I have honestly struggled to move on because what I thought was once “love” was nothing at all…so, the meaning of being in a relationship for me has changed since we last spoke. it’s been tough getting out here for personal reasons. ive realized that I was not in the best physical shape and needed to change that in order meet a woman is very interred in me. it sounds condensing in way because people should like you for you. these days, that’s not the case unfortunately. yes, I have tried dating apps but I’m more of a in-person type of guy, so online dating can get boring for me. i did receive a ton of matches but nothing really went anywhere, half these woman went ghost, why? idk and i don’t wanna waste my time finding out. i sometimes miss my last girl, wishing things were different. i also feel the relationship we had was a little “fake”, I say that because certain a moments in the relationship I would ask myself..”does this girl even like/love me?”. sometimes her actions would show that to me so I was never really sure. it really suck to say that but that’s my perspective.

i haven’t really put myself out there to make new friends, but when I did others would play the “let’s be friends” game and never really put in effort to create a connection. for me, i take connections and relationships serious. I can’t just have a good time with you one day and then not speak to you the next. another thing that I notice is peoples intentions are always pure and honest..this is sad, i feel like that’s what I give when I meet new people and to not revive that back feels wack.

I haven’t posted on social media or kept up with content..the people I follow and the ones that follow me came were met from different parts of my life. I haven’t spoken to any of those people in a long time. a lot of them feel like strangers to me. i also don’t want to show too much of my life because at the end of the day these people don’t care. they just scroll to the next post from their friends.

my goal isn’t he next few months is too move to Florida, I’m going to have live with my grandmother for a couple months to save up and find an apartment there. the east coast is grr we trying old for me and I would like to seek new experiences with better weather. I feel trapped sometimes living in New England. spending time outside will give me a better outlook on life. I hope to find new friends who truly care about me and our friendship..I would hope to find a new love interest, someone who fits me.

I know no one will ever read this, I just needed write this out and get some stuff off my chest. i don’t have anyone to speak to about my issues and everything is kept inside. it’s the worst feeling so this kinda helps. if you do read this one day, these were just my thoughts and feelings that no one ever knew. i will do my best to move forward in this things called life and will have God beside me through it all. peace and love.

- A

2 notes · View notes

thinkingisadangerouspastime · 3 years

Note

what do you think about the aang is possessive comment? about EIP ruining kataang? also about there being an implied (and nonexistent) love triangle thrown in nearing the end of the series as a tease?

I think fandom just likes to complain, lmao, but I’ll address each of these one at a time!

1) “aang is possessive”

This argument is honestly the most ridiculous thing I’ve ever heard because it’s just so obviously false?? Possessive is literally defined as “demanding someone’s total attention and love,” which Aang never does? Aang always respects Katara’s position in their relationship, especially after the EIP kiss, which everyone knows was entirely inappropriate and wrong of him. Aang recognizes her hesitation and makes no more romantic attempts towards her after that moment. Not one! Katara is the one who initiates them getting together in the finale because the war is finally over and she is no longer afraid of losing him. I beg people, do point to the “possessiveness” you’re referring to, because the closest we get to any character being possessive is Zuko in “The Beach”:

Zuko: [Side-view of Zuko and Mai walking.] He thinks he’s so great. [To Mai.] Well, what do you think of him?

Mai: I don’t have any opinion about him. I hardly know him.

Zuko: You like him, don’t you? [Mai sighs and walks away.]

Ruon-Jian: What are you doing?

Zuko: [Close-up. Angrily.] Stop talking to my girlfriend!

Ruon-Jian: [Side-view. Walks up to Zuko.] Relax. It’s just a party.

Frontal view of Ruon-Jian. Zuko knocks him across the room into a vase, which breaks from the force.

Yeah, Aang never acts like that. 🤷

Now, this isn’t to say Aang doesn’t get jealous. Jealousy is a perfectly normal and natural emotion, and honestly I’d go so far as to say that everyone has been jealous at least once in their life. What’s key about Aang is he doesn’t act on his jealousy. He doesn’t throw anybody across a room, for one. Sure, he doesn’t want Katara to kiss Jet, so he makes a little quiet comment about it. Pretty normal, and it ends there. Not dissimilar to Katara’s bit of snark about On Ji! Even the EIP comment, which everyone uses to argue that Aang is “possessive” (which again, blatantly untrue, because he does not demand or expect a relationship with Katara as a result of that scene; also all he does is nod lmao and tbh that’s such a healthy reaction to jealousy I mean he doesn’t grab Zuko and chuck him onto the stage like his name is Ruon-Jian, does he?) - Aang literally just gets upset about the implication from an imperialist play that Katara doesn’t reciprocate his feelings. Why?

Let’s be frank: Aang knows, or is fairly certain, that Katara does like him by this point in the series. That’s why he doesn’t ask her “do you like me”. Instead, he asks:

Aang: But it’s true, isn’t it? We kissed at the Invasion, and I thought we were gonna be together. But we’re not.

By this point the show, the viewers know their feelings are mutual. Katara knows how Aang feels about her, and Aang knows Katara likes him, too - he just isn’t sure about how ready she is for a relationship. So him getting upset about the propagandist, pro-imperialism play implying Katara isn’t interested in him, when he essentially knows she does like him, is honestly kind of understandable? Imagine if you were watching a really rude movie about your life and it included a scene of your best friend who you’re already kind of in a relationship with saying that they’re in love with the dude who used to bully you and only think of you as their sibling. Like, that’s kinda wack? I’d be a little upset - and definitely weirded out - too.

(I’ve also seen people argue Aang leaving Guru Pathik to save Katara also somehow demonstrates his so-called possessiveness, as if his love for her and her love for him wasn’t established mere minutes earlier to be the love of the Air Nomads reborn. I don’t think the show could have been any clearer about how mutual, powerful, and honest their love is through that scene. Also, he proceeds to let her go to enter the Avatar state at the end of what? The next episode? So again, any arguments that he was “possessive” and “didn’t let her go” are thus moot and entirely inapplicable points.)

Basically, Aang isn’t “possessive” and people who think he is are just looking for an excuse to hate on him, lmao.

2) “eip ruined kataang”

The only way EIP could have ruined Kataang would be if all the previous Kataang buildup was either terrible or near-nonexistent. And great news! Kataang was built up very well throughout the series, growing from a close, deep friendship to cute, blushy crushes to a true, lasting romance (pretty iconic of them). Even if someone doesn’t ship them, they can acknowledge that within canon, Kataang had a very strong foundation (it’s one of the core relationships of the show, the other being Zuko and Aang as narrative foils). The implication that one poorly written episode somehow cancels out the previous 56 episodes and the following four is embarrassing.

Now, I certainly wouldn’t have minded if there had been a scene dedicated to Aang and Katara discussing his poorly-timed kiss. I ship Kataang, so there is absolutely no reason for me to be opposed to more Kataang content! But A:TLA has a very clear trend of not showing such discussions on screen - example: Zuko never sits down with Katara and apologizes for using her mother’s necklace to manipulate her; Katara never apologizes to Sokka for her callous comment about their mother - so the fact that Katara is the one to initiate their relationship at the end of the serious clearly demonstrates that she has forgiven Aang for his inappropriate kiss and is ready to be with him. (And I’ve said it before - if she can forgive Zuko for all the shit he put them through, she can forgive Aang, her best friend and the guy she loves, for one poorly-timed kiss.) Narratively speaking, ’twas resolved.

Also, it’s incredibly important to consider EIP within the context of the series as a whole. If someone really feels entirely devastated by that one episode, then… their loss? I’m sorry to hear it? 56 episodes of near-flawless buildup - a slight dip + a healthy, logical finale where Katara chooses to be with Aang because she is at last no longer afraid of losing him = more than good enough for me. People can argue her decision doesn’t make sense all they want, but it actually makes perfect sense when you consider what has been built through every previous episode: she was in love with him! You can’t isolate a single episode and expect it to speak for the series as a whole, after all.

Basically, EIP gets blown out of proportion because some people like to pretend it was the only Kataang episode ever written, lmao.

3) love triangle

I always laugh when I see this because where?? The only love triangle in A:TLA was the one fandom invented. Within the canon narrative, Katara and Zuko were never romantically interested in each other. I don’t care about “shipping-goggle interpretations” or AUs or post-canon or early planning that didn’t make it into the final drafts. If you look at A:TLA, if you look at the creators’ intentions, it’s plain as day that Kataang and Maiko were the only romantic pairings planned for Katara and Zuko. And that’s okay! That’s why fanon exists. But people have got to stop whining about a love triangle and ship teases that just… didn’t occur. If they read Zuko and Katara’s interactions as romantic, well, that’s great and all, but it’s also on them, lol. That sounds so mean oml I’m sorry y’all 💀. I just mean that Kataang was very clearly written into the show from episode 1 and Maiko from Book 2 (or Book 3 if you really, really don’t like the flashback), so expecting Zuko and Katara to get together doesn’t make any sense (to me) when they never had any romantically-coded interactions.

Yes, of course I’ll admit there were a few Zvtara gags, but that’s exactly what they were - gags. There’s three primary instances:

- June calling the owner of the Water Tribe necklace (whom we know is Katara) Zuko’s girlfriend in Book 1. This moment is mainly hilarious because Zuko promptly redirects the conversation to Aang, lmao, but thinking about the context of A:TLA itself? The assumption of the Fire Nation crown prince being in a relationship with someone from the Water Tribe is honestly pretty concerning given how the Fire Nation is an imperialist conqueror and has all but destroyed the Water Tribes (and has certainly worked to sever the connection between the North and South). So, not exactly a great conclusion on June’s part.

- The EIP gag. I ALWAYS laugh at this one because their reactions are so funny? I love the little disgusted nose wrinkles and scooting away. That’s hysterical to me. But again, thinking about the show itself, EIP is an imperialist play full of Fire Nation propaganda. With that in mind, again, the implication that their crown prince was with someone from the SWT, a nation they brought to its knees by killing all of the waterbenders (but one) and thus eradicating so much of the SWT’s culture? Major red flags! People need to consider the implications of EIP as imperialist propaganda, basically, because that’s what it is. Ignoring that aspect means missing the entire point of the play.

- June part 2. What I said above still applies. Also, they both get embarrassed and hotly deny it, which is kind of the opposite of a ship tease to me? They don’t exchange like an “oh, but what if” glance or anything, lol. And June backs off immediately, so... 🤷

People who interpret that as serious ship teases are, bless their hearts, a little misguided. Those are just funny moments! It’s like Katara and Sokka dressing up as Aang’s parents in “The Headband”. It’s funny! It’s contextual! Sokka and Katara are not romantically interested in each other just because they dressed up as husband and wife (ew), just as Katara and Zuko aren’t romantically interested in each other because there were three jokes about it. I really don’t know what else to say lmao.

Now, I don’t know all about what Bryke did outside of A:TLA in regards to Zuko and Katara’s relationship and fans of it. I wasn’t here for that lol. But I do know that A:TLA built a beautiful, platonic bond akin to surrogate siblings between Zuko and Katara (highlighted by the final Agni Kai with Katara and Azula as foils). Not a love triangle. “The Southern Raiders” was an episode about Katara and Kya, not Zuko and Katara. “The Crossroads of Destiny” paints an aching, gorgeous parallel between Oma and Shu and Katara and Aang, not Katara and Zuko. “The Boiling Rock: Part 2” was an episode involving the loyalty and love of Mai and Zuko, not Katara and Zuko. Katara and Aang had romantic parallels, Mai and Zuko had romantic parallels, while Katara and Zuko - within canon - had strictly platonic development. And honestly, fandom should appreciate that more! How often do we get such an iconic relationship between a guy and a gal that isn’t shadowed by romance? (The answer: not often enough.)

Now, this doesn’t mean don’t ship Katara and Zuko. I don’t care what people ship lmao, and there are some interpretations of Zvtara that I really enjoy (post-canon Zvtara has so much potential,, I die a thousand deaths oml)! But insisting there was some love triangle thrown at the end of the series is a discredit to how well Aang and Katara’s and Zuko and Katara’s relationships were written in A:TLA, and I’m honestly tired of hearing such tomfoolery. A romantic relationship between Zuko and Katara within canon would have completely undermined his entire redemption arc, which further emphasizes that their canon bond was meant to be solely platonic, because why would the writers want to undo what most consider the best redemption arc in animated history? (Simply put, I don’t think they would.)

Also, A:TLA had a very clear history of staying away from love triangles. There’s no Aang x Katara x Jet love triangle. No Yue x Sokka x Suki love triangle. So why would there be an Aang x Katara x Zuko love triangle?

Case in point: there isn’t. Fandom invented it.

So that’s my thoughts, anon! It can be summarized as this: fandom makes up a lot of nonsense that simply rewatching the show can dispute, so maybe we should just start providing episode timestamps to people, lol.

A general note - people are free to disagree with this post, but I ain’t looking to argue, so… make your own post if you want to develop a “counterargument”, I guess? I’m just chillin™ lol I don’t want to fight with people. I can give you my PayPal if you’d really like to engage in a proper academic debate? Anyways. Much love! 💕

#adding the line break after i post!!#katara #aang #zuko #atla #avatar the last airbender #kataang #atla meta #the ember island players #amy answers #anon #amy analyzes

114 notes · View notes

luvdetroit · 3 years

Note

Hey! I 've just read the first chapter of the dbh series you wanted to start, and I really like the plot 🥺 Do you plan on continuing it? 👉🏻👈🏻

hey, sorry for the late reply! i actually do have it planned out a bit differently than i originally wrote it in the first chapter. i think this planned version is better than the one i posted. there are many other ideas that i have in my drafts, i just haven’t released them yet.

thank you for reading it! i'm happy you enjoyed it and i'm sorry for saying this but i think i'll just scrap this idea and go with my new one (VOW). it will be somewhat similar, just more complex? and hopefully interesting!

not sure if you are even interested in hearing about them but i’ll drop them here! maybe if you or anyone is interested, i will follow through with posting them (have been feeling very bad about my writing recently).

for anyone who does read my ideas, please do not steal! i really worked hard on thinking about these and would be really hurt if anyone took them. they aren’t super original or anything, but i still created them 😩

these are really roughly written so please don’t judge 🚶🏼‍♀️🚶🏼‍♀️

please do comment or send me a message in my inbox about which idea you like more, if i should do a specific one or all of them even! 💞💞💞

1. TITLE: VOW

pairings: various! x fem!reader

genre: meta (?), angst, fluff, etc

plot: metafiction. mc surfs the web to buy d:bh and finds a seller who is willing to sell the game for cheap (suspiciously). mc contacts the user and a deal has been made.

we will flesh out the seller later, he ain’t all that important rn. so mc gets the game after maybe two days? and in the packaging the seller wrote a letter to her, it is pretty cryptic. we can get into detail on the letter and stuff later.

so mc starts the game up right away because she is excited to play it. on her first play though everything is pretty normal. there are a few differences/odd occurrences but mc doesn’t bat an eye because it’s her first time playing so she wouldn’t know.

gradually as she plays, the characters (connor and markus) are more aware of them being in a game. (sense they are in the same series and are prototypes it only makes sense for them to be able to sync themselves/go beyond their coding).

connor and markus have broken the fourth wall/have become aware with other players. they grow a deep hatred for the player. sense they can’t throw their anger at the creators of the game, they can do so with the player.

at first, connor and markus only did minor things that didn’t really stand out to the player. when connor/markus breaks the fourth wall and directly talks about the player, the player thinks it’s apart of the game.

but when connor/markus mentions the player’s name that is when they freak out a bit, but assumes the characters got their names from their playstation.

it’s only when connor/markus states some personal stuff about them do they feel fear. (connor/markus can sync with the smart tv that also contains all their info).

connor/markus have tried to sync with the game/tv enough to transport the player in the game so the player can experience first hand what it’s like to live in their world. but their connection weakens each time the player resets. their memories are also wiped out.

over time connor/markus are able to retain their memories a lot faster but forget the previous players of the game. even if they don’t remember the previous players they still think of one goal. transport the player into their world, let them suffer, seeing first hand how THEY feel.

connor/markus will be slightly oc. they will have somewhat of a dark side.

i didn’t explain this in the summary bcus i’m dumb but the game can’t be destroyed (it’s like a possessed object). even if you throw it out or something it will still go back to you bcus you own it. the only way to get rid of it is selling it.

ik some wack logic but sjakwkw

sam is the seller of the game. (his username is GAMER BOY 69). the game is sold for $10 with free shipping and no tax.

mc: does this really only cost $10? why is this so cheap?

sam: i’m just being generous

sam: are you willing to buy it?

mc: can you show proof that you actually have it and it isn’t broken?

sam: sure, hold on a second

[sam sends a video of him filming the game packaging and saying his username (in a bit of embarrassment) and mc’s. he reassured her that it isn’t broken and works perfectly fine. he tells her he didn’t like the game so that’s why he’s selling it.]

sam’s letter is in a white envelope, his writing is slightly messy, almost jittery (from nerves). he feared he was being watched by, ‘them’ so he wrote cryptically.

sam’s note: i’m sorry i did this to you. i really am. i just didn’t have any other choice. don’t play the game, please.

2. TITLE: PARESTHESIA

pairings: various! x fem! reader

genre: dark au, cult au, angst, fluff, etc

plot: in this au kamski doesn’t publicly make androids n stuff

so amanda stern is still kamski’s mentor in this au

she, ‘disappears’ at some point and is listed as a missing person

kamski knows she isn’t gone though bcus she told him her plan

basically amanda is very manipulative and warped kamski’s young mind into thinking humans being lesser beings and that kamski can really create something even more superior, androids.

kamski and amanda are humans but they are excused because of them being intelligent and having that sort of mindset- humans being filth on this planet

instead of kamski making cyberlife public

he instead also disappears after a few years later (once he’s done w college)

it’s a gap between amanda and his disappearance to not completely draw suspicion

cyberlife is created in secret, hidden from the public

belief: humans are disgusting and should be replaced by something far superior, androids.

rules: only those who have the same mindset as kamski and amanda can join the cause and contribute. (so human co workers of amanda and such help gather material and thirium (blue blood) to create more androids in secret).

practices: a member has to willingly be able to sacrifice any body part kamski chooses to replace for an android part or partake in any experiment kamski may have. if not, they aren’t fully in the cause and should be ridden of.

kamski wants to take a oblivious civilian in for a secret test of his

he wants to test out how human his androids can be and if it can blend in with humans in normal day to day life.

so he releases one of his androids, connor (rk800) out into the world. his mission is to find a human he can initiate a relationship with. once he finds that human, he slowly grows a relationship with them over time- kamski is studying all of this through connor’s eyes.

kamski is amazed by this new discovery- his androids do blend in with humans well.

the last secret test for mc is connor telling her his true nature. (telling her he isn’t human, he’s an android). connor breaks this to mc at his, ‘house’ which is connected to their secret compound/underground base.

kamski wants to know how mc will react to this news because her actions depends on whether she’s just another piece of human scum or not. this will validate whether she can join their, ‘organization’ or not.

mc will be confused by connor’s sudden news at first. she won’t believe him until he pulls back his skin to show his porcelain interior.

she’ll be surprised then and question whether their relationship was all real or not.

connor reassures her that he does share her feelings. he admits that at first this was a mission but he truly does feel for her. he asks her if she still has feelings for him even after knowing he isn’t human and mc (after a bit of thinking) says that she does.

this makes connor happy as well as kamski bcus mc got through the test. this is the first android-human relationship too.

a few days pass just to really make sure mc doesn’t act any different and really is telling the truth about having feelings for connor still- when connor informs mc that his creator wants to meet her in person one day.

connor and mc go to his place and he leads her downstairs to his normal looking basement- and there is this really intricate hidden puzzle/door that opens to their underground compound.

connor leads mc to a room and meets kamski. kamski comments on mc- on how he was surprised that mc quickly took a liking to connor and how she still has feelings for connor even after finding out the truth. he’s impressed and approves of the relationship.

he tells her he hopes she keeps her word about this organization being a secret because he wouldn’t want anything bad happening to her so soon.

after that connor and mc go about their relationship like normal. although, connor has been experiencing these odd feelings lately. he’s also been oddly wanting to act out violently towards the most smallest things. like mc talking to someone else, smiling at someone else, touching someone else, even if it was platonic.

it didn’t sit right with him. he never voiced these new feelings to kamski though. he was too afraid kamski might tell him he has something wrong with his software. he doesn’t want kamski to call him defective and replace him for another connor. he doesn’t want to be seen as not good enough for mc.

connor doesn’t act on any of his thoughts. he doesn’t let his emotions control him.

after about two weeks kamski calls connor and tells him he wants him to meet someone (rk900) and that he should bring mc.

so connor visits the compound and meets kamski in a lounge area with mc. they both enter the room with kamski casually laying on a lush couch. a small smile is brought on his face when he noticed connor and mc’s presence. he greets them both and tells them that he’s happy they could make it.

connor opens his mouth, about to ask who the person kamski wants him to meet when rk900 walks in with two cups of tea + thirium in his hands.

rk900 places a tea down in front of kamski, the other tea and thirium on the opposite side of kamski’s before returning his attention to connor and mc. his eyes scrutinizing connor and mc.

kamski’s smile widens at connor’s reaction and stands up, clasping rk900’s shoulder with one hand. he prompts rk900 to introduce himself.

rk900 introduces himself somewhat stiffly in a monotone voice.

rk900: my name is conan.

it was short and to the point. he offers an open hand for a handshake.

connor looks over conan, completely ignoring the hand offered to him, then at kamski with all sorts of emotions. the main ones being confusion and fear. at this point connor is wondering if conan is going to replace him for a reason connor does not know.

kamski breaks the awkward silence/tension in the room.

kamski: “well, connor? aren’t you going to greet your brother?”

connor takes a few moments to process this information and absentmindedly inquires, “brother?” in a small voice. his brows furrow slightly and his gaze draws towards his look alike. from up close, conan looks exactly like connor with a few differences. he was slightly taller than connor and had cool greyish blue eyes. why would kamski decide to make me a brother? i didn’t ask for one.

kamski: “yes, brother. i just thought it might be lonely to live alone in that big house of yours so i have gifted you with your own brother.”

at this point connor is having a mental breakdown. kamski doesn’t do things without a logical reason. he’s not telling me the full truth.

connor finally breaks out of his thoughts, his eyes darting back to kamski and he nods shortly, ignoring conan’s still outstretched hand and his presence altogether.

connor: [in a stony voice] okay, is that all?

conan drops his hand.

the corners of kamski’s lips twitch, threatening to split into a menacing smirk at connor’s cold reaction. kamski clicks his tongue mockingly and sits back down, grabbing his tea.

kamski: “that’s not how you should treat your brother. [sighs] that will be all, but you have to teach conan how things work around here. that’s what a big brother should do, after all.”

connor bites back a disgruntled sigh of his own and settles for a slight frown.

connor: “why wasn’t he informed before meeting me? didn’t he go through the same test runs as me?”

it took everything in connor to not let his irritation show through his tone.

kamski pins connor with an annoyed glare, a small bit of amusement shining through.

kamski: “why are you testing my patience connor? are you not happy with my gift?”

kamski’s words were light mockery, with a dark undertone to them. connor knew better than to irritate his creator further. he bows his head slightly to him.

connor: “i apologize for causing you further inconvenience. i..am just surprised by the new addition, that’s all.”

kamski simply nods lazily. waving a hand, he tells them they are dismissed.

connor turns away from his creator and him to the exit with you following right beside him silently. he places his hand on the small of your back and presses you close to him possessively. the slight tapping of a pair of shoes follow behind connor and you. connor ignores it.

connor walks through the maze of hallways without pause, part of him hoping his, ‘brother’ would get lost and never return.

he knew better though. without even looking, he knew conan wasn’t even a step behind and it irritated connor to no end.

once the three enter the, ‘main area’ which was basically the center of the compound, connor turns around to face conan.

connor: [monotonously] “give me your hand, i’ll transfer the data so this all can be over with.”

connor outstretches his hand. part of him wants to pull it back because he doesn’t want to touch him.

conan looks at connor’s outstretched hand to connor’s face.

conan: “no, i can’t do that. kamski specifically told me to get the information from you the, ‘human’ way. he wishes for us to talk to each other like brothers.”

connor looks even more bewildered at that bit of information..why would kamski do this without his consent? this..has to be some sort of test. maybe conan is just playing the role as his brother to spy on him and catch him doing something that may incriminate him? does kamski know about his odd..’glitches’? did he make rk900 just to dispose of him and replace him?

no, he couldn’t have known..the cameras in his opticals were shut off weeks ago. so why was rk900 here? what is kamski getting at?

connor also took notice of how..machine like conan is. conan walks stiffly and has a rigid stance. in that sentence he brings up what kamski wants rather than his. he follows kamski’s orders as if they were law without question.

connor still has his hand in front of him and ignores what conan says

he’s like, “it would be easier if we just did this.” (he’s irritated and is insistent)

and conan refuses, again repeating, “we have to follow kamski’s orders.”

and connor taunts conan

he’s like, “can you not think for yourself? i thought you were supposed to be alive.”

at that, mc finally speaks, telling connor off, “that’s enough, connor. i think you should just follow what kamski says. conan is just as alive as you and needs some of your guidance.”

connor’s eyes slightly widen as well as conan’s. connor’s frown deepens at your words. you’re defending him. why? you should be on his side, not him.

conan still has a blank face but his eyes are now trained on mc, curiosity being one of the emotions flickering in his eyes.

connor notices conan looking at mc and narrows his eyes in disgust.

connor: fine..we can discuss everything at my place.

connor turns and places his hand back on mc’s lower back, pressing her as close to him and far from conan as possible.

conan follows on without question.

3. TITLE: DARK EXTERIOR

pairings: various! x fem! reader

genre: dark au, angst, fluff, etc

plot: the main plot is androids taking over and humans as pets

so mc is obviously gonna be a human, she is like in one of those sort of adoption places but it’s more like a buy your pet thing

and mc is gonna be 18 y/o because yes

- mc and her parents live in a house that is located in a rather secluded area in the woods

- when word gets out about androids dominating humans and turning them into slaves- mc’s parents decide to live underground. mc is 3 y/o during this time. (the father is an artist/architect, this was originally just a project for himself). years pass with them being undetected. (it was 2038 when androids dominated humans)

- 15 years passed without them being detected and mc is 18 y/o (year is 2053)

- mc’s father scavenges for food and such once a month

- underground they still have a tv, tablet, and phones to keep up with how everything is going in detroit

- mc feels trapped after living underground for basically her entire life and learning second hand about androids, the revolution, etc

- mc starts doubting her parents and their reasons. she questions whether if there are bad androids out there who will snatch her up.

- mc asks her father if she can help him scavenge one day but he along with her mother are against that (this is on her birthday when she turns 18 y/o bcus she thinks she’s mature enough to)

- this causes a big argument between her parents and her and she voices her doubts to them- this ends with mc locking herself in her room. after awhile when it’s night time, her father visits her and apologizes for yelling but tells her she still can’t go up there because it’s too dangerous.

- mc hides her anger and lies to her father about her understanding. when it’s about midnight mc decides to sneak out and go above ground.

- mc is wandering in the woods mindlessly basking in everything- she kind of becomes careless (she doesn’t act cautious when wandering around). she maybe follows a bird she sees (owl) out of curiosity and nears markus and his crew (simon, north, and josh). they were having a picnic or just stargazing.

- simon hears rustling and light footsteps coming towards them so he alerts the others, he’s like, ‘do you guys hear that?’

- the others listen and do hear the footsteps and rustling coming rather close and quickly. all of them are tense (because they have experienced a lot of..attacks in the past so obviously they got their bars raised)

- so mc bumps into markus and everyone is surprised by mc’s sudden appearance

- mc stops in her tracks and looks at markus, it takes her a minute to really look at him bcus it’s dark and her human eyes are very poor at catching details

- she recognizes markus and is frozen. she also faintly recognizes his friends because they are also a big part of the android revolution (or so she’s been told by her parents).

- after a beat of silence north says, ‘a human?’ in a rather disgusted tone.

- josh observes you and asks out loud, ‘how can a human be this far out of the city?’

- north: ‘maybe it escaped from it’s owner or something.’

- after observing you, markus reaches out to you (you are still frozen and too scared to move) and places his hand on the nape of your neck. he realizes you don’t have a chip installed there to tell him who your owner is. (let’s say every human at birth has a chip installed to their nape to identify them and their owner)

- markus informs the others that mc doesn’t have a chip which startles them.

- north: ‘wait..it’s a fucking wild?’

- josh: ‘how could it live this long on it’s own if it is a wild?’

- (markus had his eyes on you the whole time) he asks you if there are more of you in the forest and you slowly shake your head no. they all know you are lying though.

- north: ‘there are more like it in the forest..how come we didn’t know about this?’

- josh: ‘this is pretty bad..if there are more wilds out here hiding this could damage the trust we built with the others. everyone will be outraged if they find out we let wilds slip under our noses.’

- simon approaches you slowly and asks again if there are more people like you out there

- when you shake your head again markus holds your chin between his thumb and index finger, tilting your head up so that you can look at him in the eyes.

- with a dark look in his eyes markus says, ‘don’t lie to us again kitten because i’m not in the mood to play nice. now, tell us the truth. are there more of you out there?’

- you are scared now and regret ever leaving the hideout. knowing it would be futile to lie again, you nod. (you are unable to say anything because your throat feels constricted).

- north: ‘where are they?’

- you don’t say anything because you don’t want to give your parents away. you continue to berate yourself for your stupid decisions.

- north sighs (clearly irritated by you not answering their questions immediately), ‘well? aren’t you going to speak? or can you not speak?’

- josh tries to calm north down, ‘intimidating it isn’t going to make it talk’

- north: why are you defending it? have you gone soft now?

- josh: [sighs] are we really going to do this? i’m just trying to tell you that yelling at it won’t get us anywhere-

- north: babying it isn’t getting us anywhere and i don’t see /you/ doing anything.

- simon steps in before the argument could get even more heated and pushes the two away from each other, “that’s enough. can you both not argue for once? now is not the time.”

- a little bit of pressure on your chin directs your attention from the two arguing to markus.

- markus: show us and i promise we won’t hurt you.

- mc thinks about this, ‘deal’ and realizes at that moment she doesn’t know what the hideout even looks like from the outside bcus she was so caught up on other things.

- mc makes a half baked plan to pretend to know where her hide out is, lead them, then find an opening to escape

- mc responds after a bit of pondering, (in a feeble voice), “okay.”

- north: [annoyed and slightly surprised] that’s it? that’s all it took?

- markus lets go of mc’s chin and gives mc a slight nod, telling her to show them the way

- before mc could take any step north butts in

- north: shouldn’t we restrain it first? tie it’s hands so it doesn’t do anything stupid?

- mc really dislikes north and is pretty scared of north out of all of them.

- markus notices your discomfort and shakes his head at north, “no. we don’t need to."

- north: [irritated] but she is a fucking wild- she’s dangerous-

- markus: [interrupts north + raises one of his hands up] i said, we don’t need to.

- north huffs in annoyance but doesn’t say anything else. part of you is satisfied by seeing north being put in her place.

- markus returns his attention to you and silently tells you w his eyes to lead the way.

- you turn your back towards markus and observe the vast amount of trees before you and walk in the direction you remember vaguely running from.

38 notes · View notes

tae-cup · 4 years

Text

.hamartia. ‘Part V,

Pairing: Yoongi x Reader (f) x Taehyung (?)

Genre: Mafia!Au, Fluff, Angst (Mostly angst oopsies) I DO NOT CONDONE BEHAVIOR DISPLAYED IN THIS, PLEASE IT’S FICTION AND DON’T DO STUPID THINGS THANK YOU

Plot: Y/N is a skilled, well, torturer, though you don’t like to call yourself that; it makes what you do too real. When mafia boss Yoongi wants information or wants a hostage to suffer, you step in. However, one fateful day you are thrown Taehyung, another person who does your line of work. You need answers, he is determined not to give them to you. That’s when you try...a different approach, and Yoongi is not pleased.

Rating: TV-MA

WARNINGS: YO IF YOU’RE NOT COOL WITH SUBTLE BI AGENDAS THEN I’M SORRY THIS IS NOT THE PLACE FOR YOU, Blood, torture, mafia things (ya know?), drugs alcohol, sadistic tendencies, a fundamentally flawed main character (I’m sorry i’m just writing myself pretty much), assault, harassment, stalking (not bad), romance (somehow), Maybe stockholm syndrome???

Word Count: 3.3k words (Chonkers!)

A/N: shit’s about to go d o w n. I’m gonna be honest here...I forgot if I’ve mentioned Yoongi’s hair before-but I’m making it black and I’m sorry for continuity errors that may be caused by this...I’m just a dumbass who forgets shit.

Other:

Masterlist

perfidy/ˈpəːfɪdi/

~ noun: perfidy;

plural noun: perfidies the state of being deceitful and untrustworthy.

“You know, it’s pretty selfish to think you could keep me all to yourself. I have a job.” Yoongi sat unbothered in the bedroom as you packed your things.

The word selfish hit a different spot in your already wounded soul. After your fight, you decided to pack up and move to a room down the hall. You never officially broke it off, but it was clear you didn’t want to be around each other. Neither of you could bring yourself to say the dreadful words. You spun around, t-shirt in hand as you shoved it into your suitcase.

“F-Fuck you.” You stuttered, anger unmanageable. That’s how you’d been for a while now, it was probably why Yoongi was getting tired of you. You’d been angry, irritable, depressed, and your emotions were out of wack. What you needed was counseling, which you would never ask for, nor would anyone care enough to force you. It was a weakness. Yoongi had similar issues to you; you didn’t understand how he kept such a calm facade.

“If you’ve come here to berate me for the last few moments I’ll dare to be in the same fucking room as you, then fucking leave.” You cussed at him. He just looked amused.

“You know me too well.”

“I wish I didn’t.”

Selfish. Selfish. Selfish. Choosing your life over innocent ones was a job you tended to every single day. Every day it was your life over theirs, your blood over theirs. Hawyeong was the first of many. Her obsidian eyes haunted you at night. You were hurting Yoongi by putting your need for him above the gang. So you decided, if you were going to be selfish...I’m going all in. You flipped him off as you stormed out of the room. His eyes never strayed from your back, even once the door was closed.

“Fuck.” He whispered to himself and ran a hand down his face. “Why did I do that?” He spoke to the open air.

Taehyung had a very different look in his eyes when you walked in for your daily chat. Finally, we’re getting somewhere. You thought.

“Good afternoon.” He said stiffly. Your head whipped around to face him from where you were grabbing a spare chair in the hallway.

“W-What did you say?” You sputtered, utterly gobsmacked. He never spoke to you, much less speak first.

“Good afternoon, is that not what you people say around here? Do you prefer screams and crying?” He didn’t look fazed as he carefully chose his words.

“You just...” You trailed off a little.

“You do that a lot, you know?” He sat on the edge of his bed, as always, while you sat facing him.

“Hm?” You urged him to continue speaking.

“You trail off like this...” He mimicked you. “It’s annoying. So many times I wish I could have asked you to continue.”

“Why now are you telling me this?”

His eyes glanced to the security cameras where Jimin was watching in the surveillance room. Jimin was frozen, confusion and intrigue palpable around him. Taehyung check his nails before continuing, completely ignoring your question.

“I’ll tell you this- I do the same job you do, but I do it better.” He grinned cockily. “It’s going to take a lot more than taking away gray and waking up earlier to faze me.”

He drifted off, eyes becoming cloudy. “But...I have enjoyed your company these days, despite our rough start and pretty one sided conversations. I almost forget how selfish you are.” He chose that word very obviously, as if showing his cards.

You reeled back, chair falling to the ground. How did he know to use that word? You had your suspicions, but this was too clear. He chuckled darkly, though it didn’t give him a great deal of pleasure to deliver blows to your traumatizing past. He wasn’t even supposed to be talking to you.

“How did you know?” You gaped.

Taehyung didn’t respond. He couldn’t get you off his mind lately. Maybe it was because you and Jimin were the only people he ever interacted with; and Jimin wasn’t a smooth talker. Jimin stuttered when talking to him and showed him his intentions too easily. Taehyung enjoyed speaking with you, he could never read you.

“Y/N.” He stood and slowly made his way over to you until he was towering above you, your back pinned against the wall. He leaned down, whispering so the audio wouldn’t pick him up. “The audio has been tapped.” He whispered hurriedly. “Listen, you need to leave before 3 A.M. come find me and I’ll help get you out of here. I don’t want to see you in pain. It’s best if you leave.”

Your skin buzzed as you felt his breath graze your neck. You could barely register his words. When you did, you looked up into his handsome face and narrowed your eyes.

“What game are you playing here, Taehyung.” You whispered back.

“One where you are just another pawn. One where you never met me.” He leaned to be at eye level. “Because I mean the truth when I say I don’t wish to see you in harm’s way, just as you don’t wish that for me.”

“You misunderstand me. I’m perfectly happy seeing you rot.” You hissed.

“I know you don’t, kitten. Why else would you be bothered waking up so early to watch me, even when you full well know you’ve designed this room to be inescapable; both in life and death.”

“I...” You glanced away. “If you don’t step back, I’ll scream and Jimin will come running.”

“You think I’m worried? He has a nasty punch, but he’d never pull a gun on me.”

Taehyung had a point. You knew Jimin wouldn’t be able to disable Taehyung, but that didn’t stop you. Your voice was high pitched and shrill. The dark haired male jumped back, eyebrows furrowing.

“You are impossible. I’m trying to help you.” He practically yelled.

“Why would I trust you?”

“Trust me? Isn’t that what you’ve worked so hard to do these past few weeks? Well congratu-fucking-lations because you’ve done it.” Taehyung stared at you incredulously as if you had just spit on his face. You didn’t respond, heart beating wildly. He was so close. You could take a few steps meet lip to lip. You slightly shook your head. Stop thinking about making out with your hostage. His eyebrows quirked upward, as if reading your mind.

The door banged open.

“Ah, Jimin good thing you’re-” You stopped mid-sentence. “Oh.”

Yoongi, in all his might, stood in the doorway, huffing. His chest rose and fell quickly. “Do you understand how many flights of stairs I had to run just because I heard you scream?” He said calmly, taking a moment to breathe.

“It was only one flight you lazy ass.” You retorted, rolling your eyes at his theatrics. Taehyung didn’t seem surprised by this little squabble.

“One flight too many.”

“How do you think I feel having to do that every time you decide to call me into that damn office of yours.” Your lips pressed into a thin line.

“Can we talk about this elsewhere?” Yoongi let his gaze slide to Taehyung. “You didn’t touch her, right?” He hissed.

Your ears perked up at the jealousy evident in his voice.

“Of course not, pretty boy.” Taehyung stayed still, having not expected Yoongi to appear. Jimin, he could handle, but Yoongi? That man was dangerous and he knew it.

“Why does it matter if he touched me?” You said, provoking Yoongi.

“I told you not to get close to him.”

“This was the most we’ve spoken in ages, Yoongi.” You snapped. “You don’t control me anymore and I’m not your property anymore either.”

I wish you were. Yoongi thought to himself. He didn’t meet your eyes and instead looked to Taehyung.

“Don’t come near her again you son of a b-”

You quickly ushered him out of the room, using all your force to shove him through the door. Taehyung let out a chuckle as you locked the door behind you. You turned to Yoongi, a sour expression on your face.

“I was finally getting somewhere. I only screamed to catch him off guard.”

“I saw the footage. He had no right to be that close to you.”

Yoongi cornered you between the wall and his body. His hands planted on either side of your body on the wall. He leaned in. God, how many times does this need to happen in one day? You mused to yourself, but you could feel the blood rushing to your head.

“Would you rather it Taehyung in my position now?” His voice wreaked of possessiveness and jealousy.

“Of course not, but why would I want you in it either?” You ducked under his arms, trying to ease tension.

“You never broke up with me.” He called as you hurried towards your door across the way.

“I think three months of silence is good enough.” You slipped inside and slammed the door shut.

You were awake at 3 A.M. of course you were. Taehyung had been waking you up around then anyway.

There was something different this morning. The sun hadn’t risen, but you decided to wander around the halls of the mansion. You had a bad feeling, which explained why you were dressed in all black. Still, the feeling wasn’t enough to make you grab that knife in your top drawer. You glanced at the door across from yours. Then you took a right to head to the surveillance room. You felt someone watching you, but you continued on anyway. It was probably a trainee or guard wandering around. The mansion had 24/7 surveillance and guards that rotated hourly. You assumed it was a changing of the guard. Then there was a strangled sound from the floor below as you walked past the stairs. You were instantly alert.

Your hand reached for a knife that you didn’t have. Shit. You quietly walked backwards, not letting your eyes leave the stairs. It felt like the calm before the storm. You prayed your heart would stop pounding, but you were getting more anxious by the second. There were heavy footfalls followed by quieter ones. You held your breath, carefully keeping your eyes trained on the stair entrance. You glanced behind you. A few more feet and you’d be at your door.

There was a thundering sound upstairs. Yoongi’s voice could be heard. You wanted to shout at them to stay quiet, but you heard his footsteps fade behind you upstairs. You only caught a few words from their scuffle. The words bounced around your brain. What do you mean Mark is dead?

You almost screamed when a gun went off. Immediately, it was like the mansion was alive. There were hurried footsteps upstairs and then footsteps rushing around the stairs. Still, no one came to your floor. It felt like you were in the eye of a hurricane. That was until a hand clamped itself over your mouth. You wanted to scream, but then you heard the low timber of a familiar voice. It was a voice you shouldn’t trust, but you did relax ever so slightly.

“Y/N, we need to leave.” His voice made you shiver.

“Is this your gang? Are they here?” You murmured as he removed his hand. He seemed confident you wouldn’t scream. You were almost tempted to just to spite him, but you decided this was not the right time to be difficult.

“Of course it’s my gang. They’re here to collect me and take you out, obviously.” He looked to the stairwell. “We have to get going, they’re getting closer.”

You nodded, letting him take your hand.

“Where are we going?”

“Away.” He said mysteriously.

“Very specific.” You huffed.

“You can stop this act, you know?” The man didn’t turn to you, he just kept running ahead, turning every corner like he knew this place.

“Act?” You stomped your heels into the ground, effectively halting him. He sighed as if he wished he had said nothing.

“This tough girl act. All I saw was a scared girl who hurts others to avoid her own hurt.” He crossed his arms, looking at you quizzically. Before you could respond, he turned back around and gently grabbed your hand. “I know because I’m the same way.”

You gaped, letting him drag you along.

The plan seemed to be going great as the shouts got louder and the gunshots continued firing. Then it was quiet. Way too quiet. It was as if they had reached a stalemate. Your mouth felt dry. Or one side was wiped out. Taehyung looked to you.

“I’m sorry about this, but you trusted the wrong person.” He shrugged, though it hurt him to see the shock cross your face. There were footsteps and then you almost heard the crack of your skull as the butt of a gun knocked you to the ground unconscious. It’s so much easier to break trust.

You trailed Yoongi has he descended down the stairs.

“Are you really going to make me some sort of maid?” You scoffed, eyeing the maids closet that you seemed to be headed towards.

“I’ve got you something even better.” He grinned that gummy smile, but the smile didn’t reach his eyes. He opened the dusty library door that now had held files upon files stacked in every corner. God, he’s going to make me a librarian, isn’t he? You averted your eyes from the files. He seemed to read your expression.

“I’m not going to make you file things, if that’s what you’re worried about.”

“Then what are we doing here, babe.” You frowned.

“We’re here for this.” His hands ran over the creases of a bookshelf and slowly slid it open. It revealed a small passage way. It smelled of blood.

“What is this place?” Your voice was small and you looked at Yoongi with a scared look.

“It’s where we hold the hostages.” A voice answered. Your eyes jerked up, taking in the silver haired man. He had blood on his hands, which he carefully wiped on a rag before extending a hand. “You must be Y/N. I’m Jimin and I work for you now.”

Your mouth hung open as you shook his hand. “Yoongi, what the hell is this.”

The black haired man behind you shrugged. “You wanted a job and this was the only opening.”

You entered the passageway tentatively. Upon seeing the first hostage, bloodied and bruised, you wanted to gag. You weren’t weak, but you weren’t violent, every knew this. You could yell and throw words around all you wanted, but you would never raise your hand against someone.

Jimin carefully picked up a knife. He held it out to you. You hesitated, hands shaking.

“Yoongi! I can’t do this! I can’t do this to innocent people!” You had to keep your voice from shrieking. His eyes darkened. He didn’t like seeing you this way, but you had begged him for a job and he felt obliged to give you one. He would prefer you know how to use weapons, even against innocents, rather than a helpless maid. That was his twisted logic.

“They are far from innocent.” He said dryly, giving you a small push towards Jimin.

“Anything but this.” You pleaded.

“I may be your lover, darling, but I’m also the boss around here and I’m still your boss. And as your boss I order you to do this job.” His voice was stony, cold, and calculated. “Who knows, maybe you’ll come to enjoy it?”

You looked to Jimin, pain in your eyes. He looked away. You could tell he didn’t want to be here either.

“You wanted a job. Now do it.” Yoongi whispered threateningly.

You shakily took the knife and walked towards the hostage.

You opened your eyes, head pounding. You immediately noted your bound hands and legs. You were tied to a chair. Classic. Was this what your hostages felt when they woke up? The room was a concrete box, but you didn’t feel unsettled. You spent most of your time in these concrete boxes. It wasn’t something that bothered you. Maybe that was why Taehyung never seemed bothered by staying in the dark or being tied to a chair. Taehyung, that bastard. The rage and betrayal you felt was much like when you had your fight with Yoongi three months ago. It wasn’t a good feeling to be completely out of control of your emotions.

Before you even opened your eyes, you knew he was there. That man with the dark hair and even darker eyes. The one that betrayed you so easily.

“Y/N. I know you’re awake.” You heard him crouch in front of you. “I’m not going to hurt you, but I will let you know that it’s sort of my job.”

You slowly opened your eyes to see him staring at you. You couldn’t believe the nerve of this guy; to have an even slightly concerned look on his face.

“Yoongi will rip you to shreds.” You spat, the words tumbling out of your mouth before you could think. Shut up. Yoongi isn’t yours anymore. He may look like he cares, but he doesn’t. Don’t make empty threats. He must have seen the immediate regret that flashed across your face because he stood.

“I’m sure he will.” He nodded, almost like he was trying to humor you. Then his expression turned dark. “I won’t hurt you, I have no reason to. But he does.” and he stepped to the side to reveal a man.

“Fuck.” You murmured. Mr. Joh stood tall, a scar running down his face. He had those obsidian eyes, just like Hawyeong.

“You murdered my sister a while ago, do you remember her?” Mr. Joh carefully slid a chair in front of you and sat on it. Taehyung looked away, a muscle in his jaw ticking. You kept your eyes locked on him, not Mr. Joh. It was almost as if Taehyung was a slice of home, a reminder of when you were back at the mansion. Oh how the tables have turned.

“Who? I’ve killed many.” You tried to bite back, but your words lacked the punch needed to effectively get your point across. You were tired and sore. How long had you been sitting in that chair?

“What do you mean who.” Mr. Joh spat. “You don’t even have enough pride to remember your victims, do you?”

“I remember you...” You stared straight at Taehyung, and he watched you carefully. “And I certainly remember you.” You spoke to him. Mr. Joh followed your eyes. You knew you were giving away too much, letting him into your mind far too easily. Even a low level torturer would be able to decipher the thoughts in your mind. Please, Taehyung, let me out. Don’t you like me? The second those words crossed your mind, you froze. Don’t you like me?

Your heart was beating fast. Then Mr. Joh snapped, signalling Taehyung to leave the room. Your eyes pleaded with him. Please don’t go. You then realized you had no right to beg for life. After all...Death longed for you more than Yoongi or anyone else. You had stolen so many lives, why couldn’t you accept your own demise? Your eyes looked down to the floor, ashamed. The monster inside was locked in the basement and the angelic little girl from before had control. No wonder you felt so broken at the moment. Taehyung seemed hesitant to leave, but he left nonetheless.

“Now, where were we?” Mr. Joh smiled, flicking a knife into his hands.

as;fks;gkhslkdhf Okay okay okay- I like this direction. Let me know your thoughts.

Previous | Next

#bts #bts mafia #taehyung #yoongi #yoongi x reader #taehyung x reader #taehyung mafia #yoongi mafia #bts x reader #fluff #angst #hamartia

25 notes · View notes

and-then-the-trash · 4 years

Text

Disorders and Relationships

I am not a very good girlfriend. My s/o might try to say that I’m sweet and cute and understanding and make an effort and all of that (these are in fact things that they have told me before, not things that I think justify my other behaviors), but the fact is that I am not an easy person to love. What I’m about to talk about doesn’t just apply to romantic relationships, by the way, I’m just using examples and talking in the context of my romantic relationship because that’s what is on my mind at the moment.

Here are 2 things about me that are probably important for context here:

I have been in my current romantic relationship for about 15 months now

My s/o and I both have various mental disorders and my own diagnoses include anxiety, depression, and ADHD. Most of the things I’m going to be talking about have to do mostly with my ADHD.

As previously stated, I’m not exactly an easy person to be in a relationship with. I tend to lose track of time and can be very forgetful, and I sometimes forget to actually say things out loud. I can’t tell you how many times I’ve said the phrase “I don’t say this enough but I promise I think it/it’s true” to my s/o, because it’s something I do a lot. I forget to actually tell them how I feel about them, what I think about them, what I love about them, what I appreciate about them, etc. A lot of this is because of how ADHD affects my working memory. Basically, for me, a lot of things are sort of “out of sight, out of mind”, and that includes people. It isn’t because I don’t care about people, it’s just that my brain works in a way that I don’t remember that people

Exist

Might want to talk to me/hear from me

Might need me to actually tell them that I do in fact love them and care about them and this is why

Because of this, I will forget to text even my closest friends for days, weeks, even months sometimes if they don’t text me first. My s/o and I used to try to combat this by saying that we would always call each other on Wednesdays. We could of course talk other times if we were free and felt like it, but Wednesday was designated Call Ray Day. Unfortunately, we got out of the habit. Something that especially didn’t help was that my sense of time is Wack. Basically, my sense of time is similar to my working memory: something is either Now or Not now. I am often uncertain as to what day it is, how much time has passed, how long it takes to do things, how long I have to do a thing, etc.

The fact that I have almost no sense of time also contributes to why it is that I forget to text and call people; I simply don’t realize how much time has passed. I have no clue if my s/o came over to meet my cats last weekend or two weeks ago or a month ago. Something could have happened yesterday and I’ll think it happened 2 weeks ago, and it can go the other way around as well. I also just forget a lot of things. I once got onto some Zoom call, probably recently but I have no clue, and when asked how my day was, I answered that I wasn’t sure because I couldn’t actually remember most of it. I said “I think led virtual Shabbos services this morning?” (I guess this must have been a Saturday) and was met with a confused response of, “You aren’t sure?” and the truth was that I wasn’t. I could not be 100% sure about whether that had happened earlier that day, or a week ago, or if it actually wasn’t Saturday anymore but was actually Tuesday and that event had happened 3 days ago. So yeah, I forget things a lot and often need someone else to be the first person to reach out or I might not talk to someone for months and I’ll think it’s only been a few days, maybe a week.

I get very preoccupied and distracted. This almost seems like it should be obvious because, duh, 2 of the letters in ADHD stand for “Attention Deficit”. The attention just isn’t really there sometimes. That’s not quite how it works though. I hyperfocus on things for both short and long periods of time. Hyperfocusing basically means that when I focus on something, I’m all in. I don’t notice what’s going on around me, I don’t notice time passing, I don’t notice my body telling me to eat and drink. When I’m hyperfocusing, I don’t remember to check my messages and respond to people, and this includes important people like my s/o. I can also sometimes get preoccupied or distracted while we’re talking to each other. I’ll be talking about something and get off track and end up rambling about something unrelated for 10 minutes until my s/o reminds me that I’ve lost the original point. I also have to ask people to repeat themselves when talking, partly because I space out a lot, and partly because my brain will latch onto any small noise and say “Hey there’s a thing!” and suddenly I’ve missed half of what someone just said to me.

There are probably so many other things I could add about ways that ADHD as well as my other disorders affect my life and my relationships. Things like how depression sometimes renders me unable to convince myself to get out of bed for hours, making me late to things because I didn’t leave my self enough time to get ready (lack of a sense of time also doesn’t help with this). Things like how my anxiety makes me struggle to be open with my s/o about my experiences and trauma and the things that make me who I am and probably explain some of my other weird quirks. I could probably make a whole separate post about how I accidentally suppressed most of my emotions for years on end and now I struggle to identify and express emotions because I sort of forgot how to let myself feel emotions. Things like that have made it so I respond to a lot of things with logic and reasoning, which isn’t always what someone needs. I’m not good at remembering that not all people approach things the way I do, so I need to remember to ask someone how they want me to approach whatever is going on, and if they are looking for me to say something specific. Basically, I can be a mess.

I don’t often sit down and think about all the ways my disorders affect me and my behaviors and actions. I never really had a conversation with my s/o where I explained to them that I am ADHD and these are things that will happen because of that. I don’t realize when I do a lot of these things, and for a while, I hadn’t taken the time to think about how my disorders could affect others. Despite probably not knowing what they were getting into, my s/o has been so unbelievably understanding and encouraging and helpful every time I realize I’ve made a mistake or forgotten to call or text or tell them something. They have reassured me every time I tell them “I am neurodivergent and it probably is the main reason for this thing I do and I’m sorry”. Their level of understanding when it sometimes feels to me like I’m just blaming things on my ADHD is one of the things I love most about them. They get that I’m not trying to blame every mistake on my disorders. They understand that I don’t even understand/realize all the ways I’m affected and I won’t even realize these weird quirks and things about me until after the fact. Part of why they understand so well is because they are also neurodivergent, and while we don't have the same disorders and are often affected in very different ways by our various disorders, they can understand better than most people that having a mental disorder can and will affect every aspect of your life, even if you don’t realize it at first.

I’ve come to realize that having any kind of disorder, be it mental, physical, mild, severe, etc., can and likely will affect your relationships (all types, not just romantic). This is not your fault. It’s just how you work, and people need to respect that. I wrote this post after a conversation with my s/o in which I had rambled on about what makes them a good s/o in my mind because it was brought to my attention that I had once again forgotten to tell them these things. I then tried to once again explain that if anything, I’m the bad girlfriend because I’m the one who will forget to text and call and tell my s/o all these things I love about them and all these things that make them wonderful. I added that my ADHD is probably frustrating for them and for other people who know me. I then said, “It may seem like I use ADHD as an excuse a lot and I promise I’m not trying to”. They told me this:

“Having any disorder is a full-time job and symptoms can get to be a lot. I of all people get that. We just have to remember that symptoms aren’t our fault and that we are still learning to cope with them.”

I will probably always be learning how to cope with symptoms of my various disorders. I will probably have to work more on recognizing and remembering symptoms, and also remembering that while there are definitely things I should be taking responsibility for, my symptoms are not my fault. Your symptoms are not your fault. Don’t ever let anyone tell you otherwise. You are beautiful and amazing as you are, and that includes all of your quirks, accommodations you may need, Special Interests you may ramble about, days where you may not be able to function on your own, things you may need help with, etc., etc., etc. All of it. All of it is YOU, and anyone who wants to love you will learn not to love you despite these traits and things, but love the things that make you so uniquely you. The same goes for you too. Learn to love these things about you. Love yourself for who you are. Love yourself for how you function, how you think, how you move, how you look, how you love others. Love it all. And when you can’t do that, because sometimes you can’t and that’s okay too, remember that I love you no matter what.

Now go drink some water. <3<3<3

#relationships #my s/o #adhd #depression #anxiety #disorders #mental disorders #mental health #love #self love #how disorders affect relationships #my life #my relationship #my mental health #my disorders #i do also have a physical disorder #i just didn't bring it up here #its a whole other thing :P

13 notes · View notes

i-growl-growl-growl · 4 years

Note

Yandere life ship (NCT)? i'm 163 cm and self proclaimed dummy thicc. I'm pretty funny and sarcastic but also get really emotional occasionally. I'm overly affectionate with my friends and big awkward around people that I am interested in. I like making art and dancing, neither of which I am good at. My fashion is out of wack, but is quote on quote "iconic." I say many dumb things, but I'm not actually that stupid.

Yandere 1: (Main yandere)- Dara

Sandara has a knack for finding things (or creating them) that are unordinary and iconic so she’s naturally drawn to you when she sees you display your wacky sense of fashion with confidence. She’s also drawn to sarcasm and raw emotion. With that being said, she’ll likely approach you during one of your emotional episodes and “hit it off” with you from the get-go. She has a great aura about her that makes other’s natural awkwardness dissipate quickly, within just the short time of sharing each other’s views on fashion, dance, art and jokes she’ll have you feeling as though you’ve known her since birth. With such talent, she’s able to get you wrapped around her finger without you, or anyone else, ever realizing it. Sandara is a great yandere in the sense that she can mask her true self with little effort mostly because she’s aware of how her tendencies to fall victim to jealousy and her desires to alienate others that she cares about from those she deems as a threat will have a negative impact on her relationships if anyone catches on. Due to this, she acts naturally: she DOESN’T alienate you (except for the times when she really wants to have you to herself), she shows little signs of jealousy rather than all of it (that is, until she’s alone at her home where she can let that jealousy out), she gives you free reign of your life (just as long as you stay in contact with her on the daily basis), she can, and will, control you but only to the extent that comes off as natural for “friends” to be, etc.

your friend that is victimized by yandere one: Sorn

Sorn isn’t victimized in the sense that she’s killed off or threatened by Dara, NOPE, she’s merely just discouraged by Dara to hang out with you as often by exploiting your emotional states as means to lie about how you just want to have some alone time, that or Dara will tell her that you two are ‘dating’ and the excursions that you go on are meant to be just for the two of you. Dara will still allow Sorn to be friends with you, hell, she’ll even invite her over to hang out as a threesome (not in the dirty way you nasties) whenever she sees that you’re in need of more company other than just herself. Should a situation arise where Sorn begins to become a problem for Dara, however, Dara is really good at making people believe everything she says so she’ll resort to lying to Sorn by say that you no longer want to be friends with her and/or she’ll spread rumors that the two of you would believe about each other that would end up driving you and Sorn to end your friendship with each other.

where they’d keep you: Vacation house on a private beach

As previously mentioned, Dara won’t keep you hostage or alienate you. She lets things run its course (as long as it doesn’t take too long) and she’ll eventually offer to let you move in with her to one of her plethora of mansions houses. Her vacation home on the beach will end up being where you stay most often (even if it’s not the original house of your choice) because it’s the most secluded which allows her yandere tendencies to want you just to herself to show without it being too obvious. The house, just as she herself does, has a naturally calming and welcoming effect to those who visit it so you’ll feel right at home and may even wish to stay there without going into town even for quick grocery trips or meet-ups with friends the longer you stay there (which Dara would love.)

your chances of survival/escape: survival: 10/10, escape: 9/10

Dara would never lay a hand on you in any way that could be considered as even remotely harmful. She may show more signs of jealousy as time goes on but that would only lead to screaming fights between the two of you at most. If you really piss her off she may frighten you into standing in a corner as punishment, like how a little kid is punished, or she may lock you in a room for a day but she’d end up letting you out when she knows that you’ve calmed down enough to let her explain everything and get things back to normal in the relationship.

Again, as mentioned, Dara will let you live your life so, if you do end up choosing to leave her, she’ll allow it but the trade off is that she will stalk you and/or, she’ll be damned if you two stop talking and hanging out all together so, she’ll do everything in her power to ensure that you are still ‘friends’ and will see each other time and again. She’ll let you leave the relationship but she won’t allow you to completely leave her.

Yandere 2: (yandere that wants to steal you from yandere 1)- J Hope

The mansion that Dara has you living at is in a private community with private beaches. Although the beaches are private, the ocean is free reign. J-Hope just so happens to be the rightful owner of the land next to Dara’s and he loves spending time in the water or sun bathing, this is how he manages to lay his eyes on you and fall head over heels for you. It’d actually take him a few times of seeing you before he gains the urge to get to know you and actually begin to fall for you though. He’ll approach you one day, without crossing the invisible boundaries of beach property, and begin a long-lasting conversation with you about anything and everything under the sun until Dara arrives back home from work and calls you inside. The sense of humor that exuded from you and your topics of interest set an urge of lust for you deep within his heart and he vowed to have you as his someday. He knows that it’d be relatively easy for him to take you from Dara…. or so he thinks (no one’s ever TRULY been a threat to her relationship with you so no one knows exactly what she’d do to keep him (a major threat) away)…. so he’ll begin his planning on how to get you to become interested enough in him to become his willingly.

why yandere 1 & 2 fell for you:

From your sense of fashion to your passion for dancing and art... despite, supposedly, not being good at it..., your sense of humor, to your affection for those who you deem close to you, These two yanderes can’t get enough of who you are and how you’re not afraid to be how you want to be. Saying dumb things but not actually being stupid is a normal part of life for everyone but, the way that you pull it off, drives them crazy with admiration for you because you own it without any regret or lack/loss of confidence. Sarcasm can be a language that each yandere uses to create a special way to talk to you that no one else would understand without any context to it being explained. They’ll both support you in every way possible and constantly tell you that they love you for who you are.

#yandere life ship #yandere life ships #yandere 2ne1 #yandere bts #2ne1 ship #bts ships #kpop yandere #yandere kpop ships #yandere #yandere kpop #kpop ships

31 notes · View notes

star-shapedfruit · 4 years

Text

HO HO HO

@Midori-verte I was your Secret Santa! (It won’t let me tag you for some reason. V wack :/)

Anyway, Here’s your gift! Its a short Yatori one-shot taking place mid Chapter 72. Yato and Hiyori have a little heart to heart on the roof about... stuff and things.

Read it here on AO3!

Hope you have a great Christmas! 8D

@noragamisecretsanta2019

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

“Your tail’s twitching.”

Yato had come upstairs to check on Yukiné, when he’d noticed Hiyori’s tell-tale sign that something was on her mind. Her tail gave away her emotional state just like that of a cat or dog.

Hiyori simply put a finger to her lips and shushed him, indicating the sleeping Yukiné on the floor next to her. It had been a rough time for all of them, but Yukiné in particular. She’d only just gotten him to go to sleep and he’d insisted on her leaving the window open.

Yato put his hands up apologetically and sat himself on the floor next to Yukiné. His eyes were fixed on the boy’s fingertips, raw from scratching at that terrible box he’d been trapped in. He tried not to think about it. How they hadn’t all been killed he’d never know, but he couldn’t put into words how thankful he was that they were all safe.

His eyes went back to Hiyori. Again, that tail twitch.

“What’s wrong?” he asked quietly, not wanting to wake Yukiné.

“Hm? Oh. Nothing. Nothing, I’m fine.”

“Your tail always gets twitchy when somethings on your mind. Come on, you can tell me. I’m your god of fortune after all.” He said with a wink.

“We’re going to wake Yukiné.” She replied in a hushed tone. Sure, she was concerned for Yukiné, but Yato got the sense that she was also trying to avoid the question. Something was playing on her mind.

“Well then.” He started, carefully stepping around the sleeping boy and making his way towards the open window. “Let’s talk outside.” He motioned his head at the window, inviting her to come with him.

She hesitated for a moment, and he saw her steal a quick glance at the stairs leading down to the celebrations below.

“Don’t worry, everyone’s getting completely shit-faced downstairs. No one will notice.” He reassured her. And with that, he manoeuvred himself out of the open window and climbed up onto the roof above. Hiyori followed suit, the chilly air against her face as she followed the god towards the rooftop. He offered her a hand to help her with the final step up, to which she gratefully accepted.

Funny how the human world of the Near-Shore seemed so peaceful considering all the trouble that had only just occurred in the Far-Shore. Best that the Near-Shore denizens remained blissfully unaware of Heaven’s wrath.

The two of them perched on top of the roof for a few minutes, just watching the calm view below. After a few moments of peace, Yato decided to ask his question again.

“Tell me what’s wrong. Please. I know the whole Divine Council thing didn’t go too well all things considered…”

She snapped her head round to face him. Clearly, it was time for Yato to face her wrath.

“All things considered?! You could have died! You both could have been killed-” She paused for a moment, the weight of that statement feeling heavy on her heart. She couldn’t imagine what her life would be like without them. She’d been so scared for them. Terrified, even. Maybe she was being a little harsh giving him an earful after everything they’d been through.

“I know, I know.” He said quietly, looking downcast. “I’m sorry. We must have had you worried sick. But hey, we’re all here now. That’s what matters right?” He asked with a little nervous laugh.

“Yeah. I’m sorry, I shouldn’t have snapped at you like that.” She said, hugging her knees to her chest. “It just feels like- everything’s been spiralling out of control lately. I wish that we could have a break from all of this. Just one day where we don’t have to feel like our lives are on the line. You know what I mean?”

Yato glanced over at her quickly, then averted his eyes, a guilty look starting to form on his face. She shouldn’t have to deal with all of this. It was all his fault that she’d been caught up in his world and she and her family had suffered for it. Even so, she always knew the dangers she would face by sticking close to them, and yet how easily she cast aside those fears, was always willing to help them no matter what. That kind of courage was something he had always admired about her.

It didn’t seem like him and Yukiné were all that was on her mind. Her tail was lashing about even worse than before like and aggravated cat. Had something else upset her? Or someone? He had to try and find out. That’s what a future god of fortune should do; help people.

If it was a person, he could probably guess who.

“Has Tenjin been giving you grief again? I mean, all that “Ooh gods and humans can never coexist with each other! You should just go back home hurr hurr hurr”, It’d get on my nerves after a while. Is that what’s bothering you?”

She gave a small laugh at Yato’s impression of the old scholarly god. Yet her face seemed distant. Like her thoughts were a million miles away.

He asked again if it was Tenjin that had upset her, to which she simply shook her head. Maybe he shouldn’t pry anymore. Maybe he should just leave and-

“Kofuku tied our plaques.”

A deafening silence followed, as what she had just told him sunk in.

Kofuku had tied their plaques together. The disaster goddess. The disaster goddess had affirmed one of the world’s most powerful bonds upon them.

“Right...” Was all he said, with a small nod, eyes fixed dead ahead of him.

“You’re not angry?” She pressed him.

Yato said nothing. He simply stared off into the ever-darkening horizon. Was he angry? That was a difficult question. So many thoughts whirled about in his head, like an enraged tornado.

“Yato… please say something, you’re starting to scare me.” Hiyori’s face became full of dread. Maybe she shouldn’t have told him after all. She’d thought it would be best but now, given this almost too calm reaction, she wasn’t so sure.

“Wha- Oh. I- I actually don’t know. Worried is more like the right feeling to be honest. You know any bond that Kofuku creates ends in disaster…” He paused for a moment, gathering his whirling thoughts together. “Maybe we can fix it. If we go back and explain the situation, I’m sure someone will untie them and then we can-”

“No! Don’t do that!” She cried out, reaching her hand out towards him as if she would stop him from walking right back up there and undoing Kofuku’s handiwork right that instant.

Oh god why did she say that? Maybe if she hurled herself off the roof it would hurt less than whatever she was feeling right now. Humiliation? Shame?

But why?

“What are you talking about? This is your future on the line ya know! I can talk to Kofuku, we can sort something out! I Promise!”

“No, I mean, well, it’s done now.” She too, was struggling with getting the right words across. “I don’t know the rules, but what if you can’t untie a bond once it’s been made? I’m sorry for worrying you with this but- I thought it was important that you at least know what has happened.”

She couldn’t not tell him. After all, it wasn’t just her future, but his too. The future had always seemed so uncertain and scary. And now, it had just become even more uncertain. But one thing she did know was that she still cared for Yato, and she always would.

“Remember, I said I want to be with you longer. I can’t lose you, either of you. I don’t know how long we can keep this up for- but I know what I want right now. And that is to be with you, for as long as possible.”

She was lucky it was dark and that he couldn’t see the rising pink on her cheeks. She could feel its heat though, like the sun beating down directly onto them, making them unbearably hot.

He considered this for a moment. Hiyori was half expecting him to fly into a fit of rage and demand that Kofuku explain herself and undo their bond. But he didn’t. Again, the still calmness.

“You said we all need a break, a rest from all this. I agree. We don’t know what the future has in store for any of us but perhaps…” He finally faced her. “We should just live in the moment. Just live in there here and now and forget about the future. Even if it’s only one night. Maybe that’s the only way we can get a little break from all of this. Better than nothing I suppose.” He gave her that familiar, reassuring smile that she’d come to know and love.

“We’ll figure something out.” He continued. “Not now, but I promise we will. Though if all you want right now is to be here with me?” He stretched his arms out and flashed her that Yato-esque grin. “I’m fine with that.”

He draped an arm around her shoulder, and he felt her tense up. But then she let go and relaxed into him and allowed herself to let her guard down, just this one time as she lay her head on his shoulder. And for the remainder of their time up on that roof, they sat in silence as they simply embraced the moment. Not in awkwardness, simply enjoying each other’s company, allowing themselves just a little time to rest. It was the least that they owed themselves.

Finally, her tail had relaxed.

Yato felt his eyelids start to droop and realised how late it was getting. Hiyori’s head was drifting further down his torso. She could barely hold herself up.

“Are you falling asleep?” he laughed.

“Wha?” Her head jerked up with a start before leaning back against his side. “No, m’still wake…”

“Sure, sure I believe you.” He said with a sly smile. What time was it? She really should be heading home, the last thing he wanted was for her family to worry about her.

“Come on, you better get back in your body” He said as he shuffled away trying not to let her head fall with a smack on the roof. The rise and fall of her chest seemed to have slowed, as had her breathing. Dozing off in minutes seemed to be Hiyori’s speciality.

“Oh damn you really are asleep!” He laughed. No wonder the tiredness had overcome them all of a sudden, it had been an exhausting day for everyone. With a little roll of his eyes, (Why could he never fall asleep that quickly?) he gently scooped up her sleeping spirit and carried her back inside, where she nimbly slipped back into her human body that was resting against a wall near Yukiné. Guess he’d have to carry her back home, no point in waking her back up again.

He carefully placed her onto his back, taking extreme caution to not wake her up. Her long hair tickled his nose as it fell against his face. He’d go out the back way so that the others wouldn’t spot them. He didn’t feel like arguing with Kofuku at this time of night. The plaque was for another day anyway, he’d sort it out for her.

After all, he was her god of fortune.

#noragami #yatori #yato #hiyori #noragami secret santa 2019 #the fluff before the storm that will befall us next month booyah :)

45 notes · View notes

unwarrantedopinions-blog1 · 4 years

Text

AJR/Fletcher/3OH!3 @ ISU’s Braden Auditorium

A different take to the blog this post. I went to a show alone up in the Blono area. For those of you who are reading this and aren’t local, it’s Bloomington-Normal which is the home of the Illinois State University Redbirds. Pretty campus, nice majors, etc. Definitely worth checking into if you’re in the market for college. I have a lot of friends who go here / have went here. The parties are dope, the bar scene is hype, and it’s a great little place overall to spend 2-4 years if you have that kind of time and money.

FIRST IMPRESSION:

This was my first concert at Braden Auditorium and I am going to give it about a 7.5/10 rating for the venue, 8/10 for the vibe, and artists individually will get reviews/ratings later on in the blog. The venue was actually really well ventilated and it stayed cool inside despite the fact that it was packed as fuck and everyone was flailing around like an octopus at a rave. Parking was big and spacious, I conveniently parked closest to the doors not even knowing where I was going. Shout out to Brady for getting me where I needed to go via Snap since I was clueless. It was more or less just following the masses. (Doesn’t that lead to mass murder or cults?) The merchandise was right inside the doors and everything was front and center. AJR was the only artist that had merchandise out so I bought their short sleeved tie dye shirt (I’m a slut for tie dye) and their dusty rose hoodie with “100 BAD DAYS 100 GOOD STORIES” on the back because obviously. That’s my favorite song off Neotheater. I think it was reasonably priced. $35 T-shirt and $65 hoodie. Lucky for me, I brought exactly $100. Amazing on me.

I’m really not a fan of “assigned seating venues” so that was a bummer at first but the chair was super convenient when I wasn’t feeling it for the middle set. The facility is super nice, the security/assistants were super nice, the vibe was super nice. Overall super nice. The box office workers were SO kind helping me get my ticket (obviously I needed a physical ticket for the collection) and pointing me in the right direction to my seat. The people I sat around were kind as well. I had a group of girlfriends to my right, a couple to my left at first, and friend groups ahead and behind. As the Fletcher set went on and I was sitting, I had a weird guy come up and sit in the empty seat to my left. He got creepy after a few minutes and, GOD BLESS, the two girls that were together behind me saved the day and pulled me up to the next row back with them. After a while he tried talking to the group of girlfriends that were to my right originally and after talking with them I found out they were 17!!! So I told them I’d walk them out to their car after the show and they were so appreciative. Girls helping girls is what this future needs to become. Aside from that little stutter, the seating was not the best but wasn’t the worst. Neutral rating there, but for future reference I am gonna try to avoid assigned seating venues. Dat shit lame.

The thing I like the most about this experience for myself was that I was able to let myself feel. I have an issue with bottling up my emotions and I don’t ever process them, I just shove them to the back of my mind and wait until the shelf is too full and one falls off and I deal with it when the glass breaks. So being able to sit here, reflect on my emotions, feel things for what they are at their own face value, it was really nice. I heard all of my feelings loud and clear, I cried tears of happiness, sadness, confusion, excitement. There was so much going on in my brain that I couldn’t hold any of it in. Music is one of the only things that allows me to feel freely and deeply, so this experience helped me sort through what I’ve been holding onto. Some days I wonder why I hold on. I think this is a good habit to get into: going to a concert alone once a month, maybe twice. Not just for me, but for anyone who has a deep connection with music, artists, albums, etc. Overall, a pleasant experience for what I dubbed “Solo Sunday”.

ARTIST REVIEW:

3OH!3 - The first artist up on stage was 3OH!3 and I am honestly so emo over that itself. I’ve been into them since I was in middle school so that was a dope experience. I didn’t think I would see them in concert in my entire life let alone be a few feet from them so that was super surreal and I felt so starstrukk (puns, lol). Honestly, they’re so hype and their humor is very plain, but it’s still funny. I loved their set, recorded half of it on my phone, and will probably blare them on the hour long drive home. It was seriously such a great moment for me, my 13-year-old self was LIVING HER BEST LIFE and I can’t say 22-year-old me could’ve complained either. (10/10)

Fletcher - Fletcher was the second artist out of the trio. Let me start by saying her voice is AMAZING and she is TALENTED. But it’s too loud and strong for the mic and that needs to be adjusted so it doesn’t sound so blaring and shitty. I wasn’t really feeling her set so obviously I sat and started this blog. You could barely understand half the words she was singing when she got quiet, you could only hear her when she was loud. Aside from the sound, her lyrics were spot on for any girl going through literally anything. “Wish I could get a little undrunk so I could uncall you, at 5 in the morning I would unfuck you”. Bruh. My CHEST. Who said she could come for my life like that? This is wack as FUCK, I got called out hard on the whole set. There’s just something about the emotion in her voice that make the lyrics hurt 10x more and I think that is what makes a good artist. I think she talks too much midset and between songs, but maybe she will learn as she tours more that not every song needs an explanation for why she wrote it or when she wrote it or where. Overall I think her lyrics were good, the sound was okay, but the set was mediocre at best. Maybe an artist better on recording compared to live, will definitely give her a listen and fair chance. (7.5/10)

AJR - First off, let me just say that AJR was/is/always will be a (not so) subtle obsession. Neotheater (album review post coming soon) got me in my feelies so fucking hard that I couldn’t breathe. It was a cheap rib shot and it made me want to reevaluate everything I’ve ever said or done in my entire life. Seeing them live, being in the same building as them, it had my feelings on a whole different level. This album has been my rock for the last few weeks on repeat and helping me through this rough patch of my life. Being at the NEOTHEATER WORLD TOUR was unreal. They bring so much hype and playful banter to the stage, seeing them interact with one another (they’re brothers slash the “they were roommates” vine) was so wholesome. The gig was INCREDIBLE. I recorded most of the set to have for the bad days and the sad days. They are fun, upbeat, and quirky in the best way. I cried for the first 4-5 songs because it was so surreal to me and I was just in awe of the fact that the music that I listen to so I can make it through the day sounds 10x better in person. The vibrations in your chest and the pounding headache you find yourself not minding, the amazing crowd that feels the same or similar to the way you do, and the hype that everyone in the place felt. It was all amazing and I will never miss another AJR show again. I really just sat there and soaked in my tears the whole set. It was satisfying in a weird way to connect with something so simple so deeply. (10/10)

THE DRIVE HOME:

The drive home was hype while I sat in the lot trying to leave all the way up until I got out of Blono. It began as a light jam session of “I’m Not Famous” and “Burn The House Down” in the lot, transitioned to 3OH!3 on shuffle (skipping for all the high tempo bops), and then winded down with a play through of Neotheater in its entirety. From the moment I hit the highway from the last exit taking me home, I started the album from the beginning. I let the words sink it, the emotions connect, and I was a bawling mess. I sang, I cried, I bobbed my head along time the heartbreaking truths the lyrics were throwing at me. I revisited painful things from my life, I planned out new future plans. I took my present life into consideration and started working on a plan to get it back together. By the time I got home, my face was covered in teary mascara streaks and my eyes were bloodshot and burning. My cheeks were red and I felt so exhausted. Letting my emotions get out in their own way made me feel like a new person. The months upon months of bottled up feelings are gone and it’s time to start over with new ones.

FINAL THOUGHTS:

I enjoyed myself. That’s a phrase that will rarely come out of my mouth. But hey, it’s true. The experience was one of a kind, it was extraordinary, it was everything I wanted it to be. $50 to see a life altering show (dramatic, yes, but not entirely wrong either) was a steal. I would recommend an AJR headliner any day regardless of the openers. 3OH!3 as a headliner would slide if they had good openers. Fletcher as a headliner would be cool if you like that kind of thing. Don’t go to concerts alone unless you are adequately prepared to be alone. Help those around you, enjoy the moment, live for the now. Let those around you enjoy things in their own way. Be kind, be compassionate, be supportive. Enjoy the time you have because your days are numbered, regardless of the total amount. And when you think you shouldn’t do something because you don’t wanna go alone, do it anyway. It will be good for you and it will bring a new meaning to self care. I feel weightless and so wholesome. I am ready to tackle another week, month, and year.

#AJR #CONCERT #braden auditorium #isu #illinois state university #music blog #blog #artist review #music #3OH!3 #fletcher

2 notes · View notes

dejametemostrar-blog · 5 years

Text

It Beats Academic Prison

By CJ Stokes

Metro Boomin, at age 25, has a net worth of 8 million dollars; DJ Mustard, 28 years old, 8 million, Murda Beatz, 25, with an estimated net wroth of just over 3 million (Smith, Forbes). Last but not least is Martin Garrix, a 22-year old Dutchman with a 25+ million-dollar net worth as reported by Forbes in 2017.

These young millionaires all beg the answer of one question…

What the hell are these talented artisans doing in college? The first three names mentioned above were living lavish by 20; Metro Boomin and Garrix were wealthy some time before their 20th birthday.

We’ve seen these success stories time and time again, whether it be technology, (Bill Gates and Steve Jobs) or most specifically music in our case (Will.i.am and David Bowie).

Wealth all acquired outside of school, Except for one Martin Garrix, who graduated from the Herman Brood Academy of production in the providence of Utrecht in the Netherlands.

Yet, most know that schooling systems outside of America move much faster; especially education programs in Europe.

So, maybe this question requires more specificity… Truly, how lucrative is it for American music producers to attend school, if at all? A study conducted by the University of Washington, which was last updated in 2017, claims that only 53% of college are “unemployed or working in a job that doesn’t require a bachelor’s degree”. Why go to school if you’re spending nearly $100,000 just to gamble for success?

Years of practice or timing seem to not even be a factor anymore. These music entrepreneurs are taking advantage of the internet and social media in ways that accelerate the “grind” or climb to conversations and business cooperation with the elites.

Its this constant conflict between the comforting safety blanket of college and the reckless desire to pursue one’s dreams that keeps most complacent. Yet, the few who are brave enough to take the leap of faith, with respect to some intuitive talents, (presumably through years of listening to music), have seemed reap all the rewards that others too scared to take the leap will never acquire.

Dropout and hip hop superstar, Metro Boomin told GQ Magazine in a feature promptly titled “the Conflicted College Dropout Who Became Rap’s Hottest Producer” :

“I was at Morehouse [College] for one semester. As grateful as I was to be there, I didn't want to be there. It was bittersweet, because I knew for a fact that I need to put all of my time into music. School is the same as producing: If you want to make it far, there are a million, trillion people trying to do the same thing. If you're not in over-grind mode, it's probably not going to work the way that you want it to. Sure, you can stumble across something. But to be in this shit for real, to be a player and not somebody who's attending the game, you've got to be on over-grind. There was just no way—me being in school and trying to do this. I wasn't going to excel in either one of them.”

This is the constant tug of war students face. However, as most “ordinary” folks would argue, “He’s Metro Boomin though!” Not only should we account for the fact that he’s Metro Boomin but we also have to take note that everyone’s measure of success is different.

For 21 year old Shajuan Munoz, a current student at Georgia State University, he’s found a way to maintain both the study life as well as his dreams. He original career hopes were to become an athletic trainer as he fulfilled his course requirements in sports medicine at the institution but he’s found more freedom and less requirements in his new hustle.

“I don’t even think of it was matter of putting in so much time… Honestly, I’m one of the shyest people you’ll ever meet but I was just fearless online with this. Promoting, marketing myself… I see so many wack beats blow up and I thought there’s no way I can’t do this”.

This relentless attitude has resulted in Munoz’s accumulation of over $1,500 just this past semester. Cooperating with the Internet Money Team, (a YouTube conglomerate infamous for their instrumental tutorials as well as overall production expositions), Munoz has been able to cooperate with artists as far as Germany under his trap sound and has even caught the attention of up and coming rap artist ‘Ugly God’ on twitter; who acquired mass fame from his 2016 single ‘Water’.

“The only reason why I’m still in school in because I’m so close to graduating. I think I owe it to my mom. She’s put so much into this and I wouldn’t exactly call it a waste but it’s crazy that the work that has actually allowed me to pay my mom back or her bills is nothing related to school.”

Munoz continued by noting that extracurricular hobby, which began from his simple love of listening to music, has evolved into his ableness to bless his family with cash and he couldn’t be more grateful. He also stated that there would be no question about what he would do after school and that he wasn’t sure if he would’ve foregone school with his current courage but he is glad that he’s endured the double life due to his observations of a producer like Tay Keith, producer of ‘Sicko Mode’ and ‘Look Alive’, who has attained a degree while becoming a multimillionaire in the process.

At the other end of the extreme is inevitable trials and tribulations; or otherwise certain failure if one gives up.

Former Trident Technical Student, Brandon Harvey, double down on his hatred for college but also its aura of necessity.

“Let’s face it, I’d bet that about 80 or 90% of us are only there [enrolled] to ease our folks. I’d give you any dollar in my pocket. I couldn’t do it man. I thought I could make beats… hit the lottery with it and I couldn’t do that either.” Harvey has recently begun some local construction work around the Charleston area but while he reaffirmed his passion and his current employment’s purpose in supporting that passion, he admits that his folks have encouraged him to reenroll.

“I know where they’re coming from but the money has always been tight. I rather be happy and struggling then depressed and rich”.

Everyone can only capture the glitz and glamour when whenever they’re seeking is unattainable but these dreamers have to be aware of the which accompanies either path. Munoz also admitted that though his brash decision to produce proved to bear fruit he did catch a taste of what his downfall could have been if he hadn’t been so quick on his toes. His grades and funds took a turn for the worse at the beginning of his entrepreneurial journey and he still questions whether he should drop out till this day. He couldn’t describe a correlation between persistence of time and success due to his quick rise but he was aware of a considerable difference in wealth and stability between young producers who had been perfecting their craft well before college or simply a longer duration than those who began their not so promising careers on a whim.

As for Harvey he can’t help but ponder about how his passion wanes while the pressures of life request his commitment. For Harvey college, with a focus on audio production, could be helpful to craft his skills but overall, he sees the experience as unnecessary and his predecessors prove that he is not wrong.

Wheezy Wade, Mike Will Made It, Turbo, Jetson Made This Beat, Ronny J, Zaytoven, and London on Da track all forewent college on their path to the superstardom; many of them feeding off of their musical backgrounds (playing piano or other instruments as they were raised in the church). London even began his career by giving away beats for free just to increase his network and as Murda Beatz repeated your “network is your networth”.

One sentiment also shared between nearly all of these producers are the words and wisdom uttered by the late activist, CEO, entrepreneur and producer/artist Nipsey Hussle. “Coming into it, we [were] hustling. So, it was a setback to want to pursue music. It was something that I had to really believe in to pursue it. That’s why I call my [brand] the marathon. I’m not gon’ lie and portray this ultimate poise like I [always] had it figured out. Nah, I just didn’t quit.

That’s the only distinguishing quality from me and whoever else is going through this, went through this, or is going to go through this is that I didn’t quit. I went through every emotion while trying to pursue this thing. You have to really take this stance of I’m willing to die behind what I’m doing”.

0 notes

strongenoughfoundation-blog · 7 years

Text

Halfway (Lin-Manuel x Reader)

Summary: You and Lin are extremely domestic, but not dating. Lin asks you to move in with him anyways. Low-key inspired by this quote: “Date someone who meets you halfway. Date someone who brings you a glass a water when they get themselves one. Date someone who makes sure you don’t spend money on ridiculous things. Date someone your ex hates and your mom loves. Date someone who’d rather spend a Friday night watching movies, than out with 50 people they barely even talk to. Date someone who sleeps on your chest and leaves a little puddle of drool. Don’t date someone who makes you leave oceans of tears.”

Word Count: 1,203

Warnings: Cheesy ending? Mentions of jazz? I’m not sure.

A/N: Hi! I’m back at it again. Never in a million years did I think I’d ever get a single note on any of my writing, so the fact that I did get notes just has me over the moon. I might have a few fics already planned out because I have a free weekend and zero chill?

Side note: If you don’t know who Miles Davis is and have the time you should watch the movie Miles Ahead. Guy was wack. ________________________________

“Cariña,” Lin softly called out to you, drawing your attention away from your notebook. You looked up to see him offering you a glass of water and you were suddenly aware of how dry your throat was. You had spent a considerable amount of time with your only form of communication being the words you were scrawling across the pages of your notebook. You dropped your pen into the pages and set it aside, flexing your hand before accepting the glass with a grateful smile.

“Thank you, love.” you cooed back, taking a large drink. You set it on the edge of his desk that was only a few feet away from the window seat you were currently sitting in. He sat at his desk, flipping open his laptop, the screen illuminating his face in a way that the diminishing sunlight had ceased to do hours ago. This was your usual spot, Lin working away at his desk while you sat in the window overlooking New York. Your eyes had been drawn back to the pages causing you to miss the way Lin looked up at you, admiring the curve of your lips and the glint of your eyes as your mind seemed to pick right back up where your pen had previously stopped. There was a time when you had used to move straight out of his line of vision the moment he sat down at his desk, much to his dismay. It took a couple of weeks until Lin finally got the nerve to tell you to stay where you were and it had been your designated space ever since.

“Why do you always move?” Lin had asked as you stood and collected your things to move to the couch. You looked at him surprised.

“I don’t want to block any inspiration New York might give you.” you explained simply before you continued to move. He had caught your arm as you moved to pass by him.

“Don’t be ridiculous, you’re all the inspiration I need.” he stated.

You and Lin wrote until the moon had almost completely stolen the sky. Then you closed your notebook for the final time that day and set it aside. You leaned your head back against the frame as you watched Lin’s face flicker with emotion.

“I can feel your eyes.” Lin chuckled, breaking the silence. His eyes flicked up to meet your own.

“I like watching you write, you’re very expressive.” you remarked simply and Lin leaned back in his seat to look at you fully.

“The exact opposite of you. I couldn’t guess what you’re thinking when you’re writing even if my life depended on it.” One side of Lin’s mouth quirked up.

“What are you working on?”

“Nothing really, just trying to stay in the habit of writing.” he crossed his arms across his chest and your eyes were drawn to them briefly.

“Do you want to take a break? The new Miles Davis movie is on Netflix.” you suggested and he nodded easily. You stood, offering a hand which he accepted immediately. You lead him into the living room, snagging the remote before he pulled you down with him on the couch.

Lin woke to the feeling of a warm body pressed against his as the morning light poured through the windows. He glanced down to see you laying on his chest, gripping his shirt as if to keep him from moving. As if that was even something he’d consider. His hand moved to brush your hair out of your face and you stirred. He pulled his hand away in an attempt to keep you from waking but your eyes fluttered open anyways. You blinked a few times before greeting him with a sleepy smile and a hoarse good morning.

“Good morning, sweetheart.” Lin murmured and you leaned up to kiss his cheek. You stood and stretched before moving towards the kitchen.

“We have to be the most boring people in all of New York.” you chuckled, the sleep still not having completely left your voice. It was easily one of Lin’s most favorite sounds.

“Why?” he chuckled, following suit before standing at the window to admire the new day as it seeped into the city.

“We fell asleep at 8:30 watching a documentary about jazz.” you pointed out, the sounds of cabinets opening and closing, and the sound of the faucet telltale signs of what you were doing. You both had agreed that you were the superior coffee maker and after countless songs and scripts being written, the two of you lived for coffee.

“Well I won’t argue, I am Old Man Miranda after all.” Lin joked, finally turning from the window to look at you. You rolled your eyes playfully at this before continuing on with your ministrations. “Day off, what do you have planned?”

“I wanna go to that big bookstore on 12th. I probably should let you have your peace and go home eventually too.” you shrugged, your constant presence was nothing new but you did like to make sure you weren’t smothering.

“I like when you’re here. You should honestly just move in.” Lin said and you chuckled. “I’m serious. It’s closer to work and you’re always here anyways and the times you’re not I’m wishing you were.”

“You really want me to move in with you?” you asked and Lin nodded enthusiastically. The sound of the coffee brewing briefly interrupted your conversation and you let it as you thought. You fixed up both of your coffees before gliding into the living room with them. Lin moved from the window to return to the couch and you passed him his mug. “It’d make sense.”

“So you will?” Lin grinned at your seemingly implied acceptance.

“Wait, what about when you have family visiting? You’ll need that spare bedroom.” you reminded him.

“Right, so we’ll just move you straight into my bedroom.” Lin responded cheekily.

“You’re smoother on Twitter.” you shot back and Lin laughed.

“You were comfortable last night, were you not?”

“Of course I was, wherever you are is always an oasis of serenity.” you respond smoothly, hiding your smile (and blush) behind your mug as you took a drink.

“And they say I’m the writer.” Lin retorted smartly, despite the blush that was lightly dusting his cheeks. “I’ll come to the bookstore with you. I plan on spending the day convincing you that spending every waking moment, and even some sleeping ones, with me is worth some sort of consideration.”

Lin did indeed spend the rest of the day with you, eliciting many laughs and smiles as he always did. What part of your mind wasn’t full of new ideas, lyrics from music you hadn’t heard in years, or witty one-liners had always been home to warm memories of times with Lin. And an ever expanding home at that. Which is why it wasn’t really necessary for Lin to try to convince you, but you weren’t going to deprive him or yourself of his accomplished grin when you agreed at the end of the day. And when you saw the way his entire being lit up when you said yes, it only justified it more.

#why do all my fics end with lin beaming at you #because lin is a ray of sunshine #light of my life #the such #work #lin x reader #lin manuel x reader #lin manuel miranda x reader #lin manuel imagine #lin manuel fanfic #by 'a few fics planned out' I really mean I have one sitting in my drafts lol

424 notes · View notes

stephhannes · 3 years

Text

dressed to anti-depress

in the last two years, i’ve spent a lot of time asking myself questions like “will getting a smoothie today cure my depression?” and “will cutting my hair cure my depression?” and the answer to both of those questions is no. but you know what will kinda cure depression? getting on anti-depressants.

earlier this year, my mental health was…concerningly bad, and quickly getting worse. i’ve recently gotten pretty good at managing my depression on my own by setting strict boundaries for myself and sticking to them (no screens allowed in my bedroom, exercising every day, no drinking alone etc) but out of nowhere, my anxiety began spiraling out of control. (my doctor suggested it’s due to ‘perhaps, ptsd’).

but basically, by the time february rolled around i was having a really tough time. i couldn’t enjoy being around anyone because all i could think about was the inevitability of their death. i’d get lunch with a friend and spend the entire time panicking because what if this was the last time i ever got to get lunch with them? i saw my cats and i immediately started sobbing because my first thought was “oh my god they’re going to die one day.” i had a tough time showering because i was convinced that i would slip in the shower and crack my skull and no one would ever know because i live alone. no matter what i was doing, i would find some way to imagine some sort of catastrophe occurring. i noticed that i was starting to develop compulsions- i would obsessively check my rear-view mirror when i was driving, i wouldn’t leave the house without pacing for awhile before i left. i was having a hard time completing tasks which then made my anxiety even worse. every upsetting thought i had felt enormous and scary and would send me spiraling. i couldn��t focus, my memory was getting really terrible.

and it was exhausting.

i’ve been putting off trying medication for years. when i was growing up, i remember this weird stigma about anti-depressants. the discourse surrounding them was always like “nah man, they make you a shell of a person. totally numb no emotions or personality anymore.” my parents just like…didn’t believe in mental health so i suffered endlessly in middle and high school because no one would take me to therapy or acknowledge that like hey, maybe my kid isn’t lazy, she’s just clinically depressed. when i was in college, i finally went to therapy for a little bit because it was free through the university. and that helped some, but i still wasn’t completely cured.

when i moved to new york, surprise, i was still depressed. one of my friends was constantly in my ear saying “hey buddy, you might really benefit from anti-depressants” and i finally realized “actually, i think you have a point, it’s probably worth a try” but every time i’d bring it up with nathan he was super opposed to it and would always just suggest i do something like “get out of bed before 4pm,” or “eat better.”

by the time we moved to philly i was hitting a breaking point. my anxiety was so bad that nathan hated being in the same room as me when i was freaking out because my vibes were just so wack. the problem was that i had no money, and no health insurance which really left me in a position where the only way i could get help was with nathan’s help- i brought it up kind of casually one day like “hey i really think i might benefit from therapy or medication” and he was like “actually, i think you’d benefit from getting a hobby”

and then a couple of days later i had a total nervous breakdown and i begged him to help me. i’ll never forget sobbing and saying “i don’t know if i need medication or therapy or both but all i can think about any more is killing myself and i can’t just hobby it away.” and he was finally like “ok, we’ll look into it this weekend” and the next day i woke up with such a sense of relief because i was finally going to get help and i actually had a super productive day. i got some work done, i got a library card and checked out some books. i ran errands, i cooked dinner, i read an entire book. i was actually present in my relationship. i was excited to get my life and myself back.

and then nathan literally died that night so y’know all of those plans were thwarted.

and then i spent two years in a fugue state and then i kinda got my shit together and then a pandemic happened and blah blah blah whatever.

and then we’re back at february 2021.

after realizing that i had become such an anxious wreck i finally started looking into options. and there she was, an app that allowed me to literally just text a doctor and be like “hey doc im feeling sad :(“ and they’d be like “oh cool, here’s a prescription for zoloft lmk how ur doing in a month xoxo” and for the low cost of 30 dollars a month i have serotonin for the first time in 13 years.

over the last couple of days i’ve been asked the question “what are you thinking about right now?” a few times and my answer is always the same- literally nothing. zoloft has my head so empty and it’s incredible. like, for once i’m not in my own head questioning every god damn thing i do.

the other day, one of my friends was like “it’s actually enjoyable to hang out with you now” which sounds rude, but makes a lot of sense tbh- sometimes i’m literally just not fun to be around. now i’m fun most of the time- except for the window of time where i realize “oh god i haven’t taken my zoloft yet today” and i start having withdrawal symptoms. but otherwise, i’m great!

it’s interesting feeling a sense of happiness that isn’t just a manic episode. like sometimes, i’m driving to work and i smile thinking about something one of my friends said earlier in the day. a big 180 from a few months ago when i couldn’t drive without my little beady eyes glued to the rear-view mirror. when i’m left alone with my thoughts for more than 10 minutes, they’re usually pretty decent thoughts, instead of the usual “everyone hates me and i am going to die alone."

i’ve also become a total boss babe- now that i’m not overthinking everything i’m actually able to do my job without an overwhelming sense of anxiety. i’ve always been capable and good at what i do, but for the first time i actually feel confident in my abilities.

with a combination of taurus season being very generous to me and a year of Pandemic Realizations i feel like i’m actually a cool, functional human again (for the first time, even?). i’ve spent a lot of time filtering myself, toning down aspects of my personality to appeal to whoever i’m around, turning up parts of my personality to get attention, etc- and now i’m just out here like “ok so anyway this is me- you get what you get, you don’t throw a fit”

surprisingly, people have been pretty receptive to that, it’s almost like i am a good person that is worthy of love and kindness or something.

i still haven’t gone to therapy, but i’ve been able to work through a lot of trauma on my own over the last couple of months. i’m finally at a point where i can acknowledge the things i’ve been repressing for a few years without feeling like everything is about to collapse. in time, i hope i’m able to get to a point where i can actually verbalize the feelings i’ve been having, and the things i’ve been (kylie jenner voice) realizing- but i’m not there quite yet. it’s been a weird experience not spiraling every time i feel a human emotion. now i’m able to acknowledge things and be like “ok is there anything i can do to resolve this right now? no? ok then i don’t need to fixate on it” and i can push it away until i need to acknowledge it again. i used to be paralyzed by any sort of inconvenience.

though, i will say, i’ve started doing this thing where i’ll be like “y’all mind if i share a genuine human emotion?” and then i’ll say something that i never would have dreamt of saying a year ago- generally something that insinuates that sometimes i do experience the human feeling of vulnerability.

every once and awhile i do still get hit with the wave of “why couldn’t i have been this functional when i was with nathan?” guilt. i think that ties into a lot of the grief i feel over all of the years i lost due to my depression- and even more specifically the months i lost due to my depression when i first moved to new york, and again when we moved to philly. when i first moved to new york, i didn’t really leave the apartment for 3 months. i slept most of the time. there were days long stretches where i was just completely emotionally unavailable. and much like in my adolescence when my parents refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help, sometimes i feel angry that nathan also refused to acknowledge that maybe i needed help.

i spent a lot of time really agonizing over the fact that eventually i would be stable, and would eventually be a better partner to someone else than i was to nathan, and i think there’s still a part of that that exists in me- but i’ve found a little more peace with the concept. i’m thankful that nathan had the patience to deal with me when i was losing every last marble rattling around in my brain- but there’s always a part of me that’s like “damn, i wonder what our relationship would have been like if i’d been a little less unstable”

you can really tell that my mental health has improved just by the trajectory that my close friends instagram story has taken. it used to just be me drunk and crying every night at 4am and now it’s thirst traps and girl boss selfies.

there are still character flaws that are so deeply ingrained in me that i’m constantly having to be aware of and combat, but it’s a lot easier to do that when i don’t exist on pure anxious energy. everything i do is still very much informed by the deep-seated fear of rejection i have, but i’ve been trying very hard to start to break that down. it’s like an irrational fear. like ‘afraid to tell my friend i love them when i’m hanging up the phone because what if they actually just hate me?’ level. now my friends will literally call me back if i don’t say i love you before hanging up and be like “hey bitch i said i love you say it back” and now it’s becoming a little less terrifying.

my inability of showing vulnerability definitely stems from that fear of rejection. look, it’s scary to be like “hello this is a tough thought i’ve been having lately do you mind unpacking it with me?” i know that if i were to say that literally anyone in my circle would be like “yea let’s do it” but just the concept that the option of them being like “nah that’s a lot” keeps me from saying anything. there have been a couple times in the last few months where i’ve stepped out of my comfort zone to acknowledge and unpack some of those hard truths though, so congrats to me or whatever. i’ve even been hugging my friends more often (which is saying a lot coming from a woman that has never hugged her best friend, still to this day).

anyway, as soon as i start going to therapy it’s going to be over for these hoes because i’m gonna be hot and sane and probably unstoppable.

0 notes

smoothcurvesinteractive · 4 years

Text

A brave new child

Emergence

White,

bed,

un imago ally comfortable,

ooh ow cramp!!!

massage starts

must still be asleep, rubbing feels so good, hey honey a little lower,

no response

but rubbig goes lower.

Mary?

Roll over sleepy, there is no one there,

rubbing continues, in fact it never stopped.

Sudden shock of the memory of loss, Mary has been gone for 7 months.

Adrenaline powered reactions launch off the bed, oooh shit the thud as head hits low celing is that of an underripe watermelon, darkness comes back with a flash

J oh great we over did the augmentation and requeued another one - would you stop brushing yourself and plug back in to full monitor, you would notice he is just in a state of suspended consciousness.

Oh yeah, guess your right, Who the hell designed this species anyway? who makes a species suspend executive functionality when they receive trauma? For such a combative species you would think head trauma is when a species needs executive functionality the most.

J You got the same briefing I did, and you know that species with caretaker class emotive architecture can not maintain empathetic coherence if lower rationality is maintained through non terminal Trauma events.

Yeah, i still think it is a stupid design, it has nearly gotten This one killed on foru separate occasions,

J You forget Burma and San Francisco. Fix the emergence venu volume, this is an OG instanceanciation.

Oh, yeah, I guess that last one counts too. expanding, time relevant accutron.

Lost

I wake up and shake to clear the nasty buzzing in my left ear...

I look up and around. I must have scrambled my senses when I jumped put of bed I could swear I hit my head on the ceiling, but this hotel too. Has 14 foot ceilings, geese is this the markus inn in eureka? again?

Why'd they paint everything whit and grey?

hospital?

Never been in a hospital room without windows, maby they renovated the markus? the cheap chink bastards never do that.

I stand up, still a little shaky, I can't remember...

Where the hell is the door?

there is a panel on that wall, about hand height

Child

Follows for a while, very tan, with odd freckles, looks like he has been playing in the sun too much, long scruffy hair must be a girl. Tomboy, like jessy the polak who lived two doors when we lived in Chicago.

Child is walking right up to me just how do you do,

takes my hand? WTH, I’ve never even met a dog this trusting.

"it is time for me to see doctor this month, all children need to meet doctor once a month, it is my time.”

She, pretty sure its a Sshe, says it like a memorized line.

I am not a doctor!,

I know that, I am not some new one, old one, I am two and a half!

Where are your parents?

Parents?

Your mom and dad?

Are you broken old one? What is a your? And a mom and a Dad?

Uh uo, in this day and age to run across a street orphan

I had heard they where still all over Europe even so many years into marshal plan, but here, in the us of a?

Delima

look down, do I take her to doc rob, or what?

Doc would know what to do but he is all the way acr.o..ss...

I start to look around and notice that this isn't a real street..

I must have banged my head pretty good,

am I still inside?, inside? underground?

I don't recognize any of this, but all around me are stores and sidewalk cafe's

it is night, most buildings are dark, cafe’s closed, stores dark

Mark? Asks the child, I need to go to doctor.

I look down, alright I say, trying not to frighten the urchin.

DecisionI

ll find a cop, An encounter with the cops does not go as planned

Authority

So let me get this straight, you are an adult male, and a child told you it was time to see doctor. And you didn't take the child to doctor?

Yeah, when The kid said she didn't

Wait, SHE? is nt that being a little harsh?

Wha? you mean that mop was sitting on top of a boy?

All right enough of that! ya sick bastard! one more wack like that and your done!

Whoah officer I think there is a big misunderstanding I was jut trying to help the orphan out.

What do you mean orphan?

Like I was saying, the kid said, um, Jerry, said he had no mom and dad. Right then and there I knew something was terribly wrong.

Mom? Says cop 1

dad? Says cop 2

Yeah and I saw you two and knew you would be able to take care of it, you know child services or something.?

let me see if I understand, a child approached you, a full grown adult citizen with a full set of responsibilities and capabilities, a child in need of guidance no less, approached you, with your fine clean judicial appearance, and you bring the c.h..i.l.d to us?(he stretched out child)

Um yeah? I thought you could take responsibility. But I, not so sure now

Dam right your not so sure now.

The next few moments where a blur, because just as the cop was lecturing me about citizen responsibility and something about village children a stunning blond walked by, long neck, muscular arms like a farm girl, about my height, which is really tall for a woman, she must be swedish, her high gloss fingernails almost glow in the dark, and match all four of her crimson painted hooves.

hooves

I couldn't get my head around the sight

Jerry noticed too.

I moved to step between the freak and the kid but jerry was too fast

MOllY yells Jerry and runs right under the horse, woman, thing

Jerry looks up and says "It is time to see doctor"

In a voice that sounded like 6 andrew sisters in perfect harmony, “sure, hop on sweetie, but i am not molly, i am mary.

Hi Mary, that judge would not take me,

Then the horse woman turned her head toward me, and I saw her face for the first time, I had noticed her face before because I was distracted by her chest, and other things. I am, usually distracted by a good chest, but this was especially distracting because this chest was smallish, and I like most of my buddies, like a full figured girl, but bare as the day she was born.

I looked up into those eyes that where the brown of fine Hershey chocolate, o ly those eyes where 4 sizes to big and set so far apart.I could not look away, the world started to spin those lovely watery huge horse sized, oh i had ridden my aunt pearlies mare once when we visited for easter. I was scared half to death pf the huge animal until it set its huge compassionate and amazingly intellegent eyes on me. And now those eyes where starig at me, those same deeply intelligent eyes, only they where set in jane mansfields face,

where I had seen compassion as a child now all I see was disgust and contempt.I started to feel dizzy, the world started to spin, I must have been really drunk. In my army days, I’d get so drunk Id passed out, I knew I could shake this, it must have been a side effect of hitting my head,

I shook my head squeezed my eyes, and started to say "Miss, let me explain"

I think all I got out was before that beautifully twisted face came within an inch of mine and with all the indignant righteousness of reformed preacher she uttered one word,

one accusation, and the voice of a heavenly being quite struck me dumb

"irresponsible"

My vision narrowed, everything started to go grey,Thankfuly one of the cops said something to this breathtaking freakshow

you making that official Mary?

“yes bob" said the Andrew sisters like it was their next top 40 hit

Alright you, come with us, I wish I could say I was sorry, but I became a cop because I thought that someday there would be someone who would drop responsibility and I would be right there to pull them out.

At which point I had the presence of mind to loose consciousness for the second time this short morning,

Judiciary

I woke up on a bed in a white room, not unlike the one I started the day in, no cops and no recollection how much time had passed.

“You give us some concern Mike”, says a voice from somewhere,

My head is throbbing and my left ear is buzzing lowder, before it was just honey bee, now it’s a pissed off wasp. I sit up slowly this time, and try to shake the headache.

“Ah I see some residual swelling and latent pain receptor firing, I'll shunt that momentarily”.

Then before I can say anything the throbbing stoops and my vision clears.

Wow, “I didn't even feel the shot doc”,

I turn but there is nobody there “Doc?”

“You will visit the judiciary now.” Is the only response I get, and it must be coming from some overhead loudspeaker only I can't make out where the grill is

a door opens and the lights in The room start to dim. Dimming lights in a hospital? fancy.

It has the desired effect I get up to leave.

”Thanks for fixing my headache doc”, I say to no one I particular, could you fix the buzzing in My ear?

There is no buzzing in your ear.

Judge

you, a member of the judiciary are hereby sentenced for the crime of irresponsible, and attempted displacement of communal parenting responsibility. As you well know the punishment for this crime is the harsest we can administer: banishment.

Wait, what? Member of the what? I'm a licenced and bonded private detective, I do personal security work. What's going on here? where am I?

Are you claiming you where unaware at the time of these crimes?

“No. I am not claiming anything, I am demanding to know where I am? And I know I have a right to habeas corpus.”

“Habeas corpus? I gotta look that one up..”

“What? No human legal system has been based on presumption of asymmetric information in, over 300 years.”

“This distraction is Irrelevant. A child did in need of guidence approached you?”

“Yes”

“And you failed to nurture, protect, guide, support and educate that child as is your responsibility under article 2 of the luna founding constitution.?”

“The Where? What? There is no such article in the US constitution, and the only only places I have heard of called Luna where bars.”

“Claims of asymmetric information will not be heard in this court! We have complete recordings of the whole incident. The facts are not in, nor have they ever been, nor will they ever be in question.”

“The only answer remaining is what was going through that human head of yours!? Explain yourself, why did you take that child to the police of all people.”

“Well, when the kid,Joey,Joey,When Joey told me he didnt have any parents.”

“Wait right there, here is the replay “

I am about dumbstruck as the best 3d cinema I have ever seen popps to life, but I’m not wearing the red and blues. it replays the conversation exactly, my shock at this wonder goes completely un noticed by the judge

“What possessed you to ask a CHILD such a question?”

“You mean ask who the child's parents where?”

“Are you now claiming insanity? Are you claiming to not know the distributed responsibility matrix of child rearing? The way you, and every other human around has been raised for 3 generations?”

This time my dumbstruck confusion was not lost on the court, and for the third time I felt the world Round me start to spin.

“Sir, Your honor, you keep referring g to me as a member of the judiciary, but I am just a regular joe, and unless I got elected by special vote of the people last night I am still just a joe. And....: as I began a tieraid about kids having a proper mom to cook clean feed, and a dad to lay down the law and bring out the belt.. It was looking like into a mirror.

The judge looked as dumbstruck as I did

Judge said , to no one in particular, “why did no one check this guys history prior to the event?”

“Did anyone notice that judge mike here did not EXIST an hour before the incident?” “I thought not.”

“Well, mike, if that is your tpreal name, I'll start with the easy part. Ill explain everything because obviously you have been the victim of some kind of prank. And it is not like your the first meme seaplane joke gone awry.”

“You have been referred to as judge because of what you look like, members of the judiciary take the classical ancestral form as an honorarium for all those who have gone before, that have stood, and caught with the might of will for an ever better place.”

“The offense, we dispensed of individual parentage over 3 generations ago. You see, about the same time as human economies where coming to and end wit the first high volume quantum coherent state sintering printers we got to the point where need of material goods beyond critical infrastructure was dramatically reduced. Humans returning to small communities, getting away from industrial urbanization, discoveries that the requirement for intimate single parent bond was a result of a hostile world.”

“You see, Mike, we’ll call you mike until we get your real personality back, we built ourselves the perfect world. No great need, no hunger, everyone has access to all information. But we still need taking care of as humans, our youngest and oldest. Think of it as our new economy, we trade bonds in caring and nurturing.”

“Jimmy did not know his mom and dad, because shee has no concept of single parent. “

“We all get paid for taking care of children and elders. Single parenting was outlawed 4 decades ago as monopolistic anti competitive behavior, “

“free access to children, naffta newborn and free family trade act allowed everyone access to the ability to provide care for children. “

“The egyption and indonesian constitutional dissamblies of the early 21st century. sparked a Debate about what to do in a post scarcity world. The Debate went well. But Exposure to the debate, near created a cultural tsunami, and forced macro introspection.”

“The founding of the luna colony gave humanity its first opportunity to create a functioning society, and focus all of its resources and capability to create and nurture well adjusted humans. “

Debate

Unknown entities debate this hu

selection placement,

morality of culture shock,

morality of tampering.

He is from their pre space era

for alt makers sake. We are supposed to get emerged just look at yourself, un modified form nonetheless, procreational cavity, enhanced frontal glands, at least I took a fashionable quadrepedial hydagoniousequis form.

I have had 3G io. Propositions in the last cycle alone. just think that it would extend our goals to introduce an even more divergent seed.

This man was a soldier, we meticulously tracked and he is personally responsible for the resurrection queuing of 34 of his own species, not to mention his eating habits.

33 of those queuings where conducted in a moral envelope and under cultural coseration called "war" only 2 of those actions occurred outside of that envelope, and both where third party queuing prevention, and the las resulted in his own premature queuing.

I just think that we could extend the desired impact by introducing specimins with a higher confirmed proclivity for intraspecies destruction, Mengla, Cacey, that Russian mass murderer?

Your points are well founded but you concede to the underlays primary point.Before assent and progenitors carry forward Spanish cycle shock must be existing experience set. And the seed must exhibit sufficient ambiguity. Reluctant assent to the underlays wisdom.

#original story #story fiction

0 notes

flyrtreynolds · 6 years

Text

Passion of The Weiss: “You Have to Make a Lot of Wack Shit to Make Good Shit”... An Interview with Channel Tres

His song “Controller” made me want to write about him immediately. Once again posting the full pre-edit version.

Before we speak, I spot Channel Tres in the groove.

Adorned in a vintage “Showtime”-era Lakers T-shirt and track pants, the 26 year old is skewing and swerving on the heels of his sneakers to “Got Me Coming Back Right Now,” the fizzling cut by house legend Moodymann. He appears to be alone in his bedroom, painted the archetypal Southern California egg shell, biting his lower lip in tunnel vision, an imaginary enclosure of clapping club goers forming around him.

“Just warming up my legs,” he says when I tell him over the phone that I saw the performance broadcasted on his Instagram a few minutes prior. “Thank god for Moodymann -- that motherfucker changed my life.”

Tres, born Sheldon Young, points to the discovery of the Detroit DJ’s catalogue as a pivotal moment in his artistic trajectory, helping him evolve from pop songwriter to songleader, behind-the-scenes beatmaker to dance-floor commander. Moody’s influence is showcased proudly on “Controller,” a bass-throbbing, four-on-the-floor callback to classic Midwest dance music -- and Young’s first single on L.A. imprint Godmode Music. “Your body is a game, fuck the lames, fuck the fame, I am the controller,” he deadpans cooly before a sharp cymbal crash announces a palpitating low end, one that immediately inspires two-steps decorated with snaps and scrunched mugs.

Raised in Lynwood, Calif., right around the corner from the Compton Swap Meet, Young isn’t a native of the birth region of house music, but the genre runs deep in his genes. He discovered this only recently when his uncle, who he had little interaction with growing up, attended a DJ set at the University of Wisconsin and eagerly divulged to him that their “whole damn family is out here.” This floored Young, who always believed his now-deceased father’s side was from Kansas, a full day’s drive from the underground house shows that pulsated the Windy City in the late 1970s and early ’80s. “I didn’t know, and I had to prepare for [my next] DJ set so I was like, ‘Fuck it, I’m going to go through the history of the full thing.’”

Returning to L.A. galvanized by a deep dive into the genre, he locked himself in his room, a tiny upstairs space rented from an elderly artist in Silver Lake, and set out to create something wildly different than his past productions. Whereas his songwriting for ardent vocalists like Kehlani and Shamir was meditative and circuitous, here he went direct and authoritative, purring out catchy refrains into his laptop’s low-quality mic. And while his beats for frequent collaborator South Central rapper DUCKWRTH were mid-tempo bops, his new work upped the BPMs, aiming to inspire more movement of the lower body (i.e. the booty) than trap’s prototypical elbow flexing. “I was falling asleep, man. Everything was just emotional and slow....I wanted to pick shit up.”

The Silver Lake sessions materialized into an email blast containing a fully formed demo, packaged neatly with Photoshop’d artwork, which landed in the inbox of Godmode co-founder and former Capitol Records A&R Talya Elitzer. Upon hearing it, she quickly put Young in the studio with her partner Nick Sylvester, the executive producer of the label’s only release thus far, Yaeji’s ep2. Young calls Sylvester a “fucking genius” and happens to be on the way to meet him at the studio as we talk.

Today they’ll be working on a track called “Jet Black,” an ode to the superhero alter-ego Young invented on the crumbly plains of Oklahoma, where he went to college for music. In the lead up to class projects, he’d sport the same pitch-dark clothing — Jet Black’s inconspicuous uniform — nearly everyday as a means of preserving his brainpower solely for the grind, a form of zealotism that icons like Steve Jobs and Albert Einstein supposedly practiced. Young has a habit of looking to geniuses for guidance: As a teen he left behind the palm trees of SoCal for the scrub of the Sooner State after hearing a freshly signed Kendrick Lamar sermonize in an interview that one needs to escape their environment in order to grow.

The plan was always to come back, though. The Lynwood/Compton area is the star at the center of Young’s solar system, the place where he was raised by his great grandma, played drums in the church choir and once had a pistol pulled on him. Its mangy greenways, vibrant strip mall signage and skateparks make up the video for “Controller,” which also features Young’s childhood friends, each drumming little easter eggs of color on his chest. These are the people and places that shaped him, and he hopes his newly formed solo career will give him the chance to “actually do something” in return (namely, he wants to create a non-profit for local kids who have an interest in the arts).

This may sound like lofty rhetoric, dreams conjured by an artist following their first nibble of fame, but Young comes off earnest in his ambitions, namely for the fact that he seems to be in a perpetual metamorphosis, unafraid to reinvent himself through his music and selfhood. As he puts it: “I been through a lot of shit growing up so I just wanna be fucking happy. But I also want to be challenged in life.”

Leading up to this interview, I had a lot of trouble finding your previously released solo work. Why’d you wipe it clean?

Yeah, yeah [laughs]. It’s a restart; I had to reset. I wanted to present myself the right way. The last music was bedroom, high-ass music. It was good music, but I feel like right now I’m hitting my stride and really making records -- records that could really fucking change lives and do shit. I gave up a lot of my past and just let it all go. You have to make a lot of wack shit to make good shit.

Were you surprised when the email blast containing your demo got a response?

Hell yeah. Fuck yeah. Shit, I was about to be an EDM DJ. I was on my way there [laughs]. That’s just the people I was fucking with at the time. They was just around that, and they were interested, but I just couldn’t spend all my time on EDM drops and shit like that. Cause the way I make music is so free -- that’s why house music sticks out to me so much.

What about the tempo of house grabbed you?

I was falling asleep, man. I was smoking weed, falling asleep in the studio [laughs]. I was just half-assing shit, going to the studio and drinking, not working. I still love making pop music, but it was just the pace was so slow. I just wanted to pick that shit up. Everything was just emotional and slow. I’m a gemini, an air sign, so I love just feeling the wave and going. When I started listening to house, that shit just woke me the fuck up.

Do you feel like black artists have been forgotten as the originators of the genre?

Yeah, I feel like it’s amissed. I love trap music, but we’re half-timed out right now. The funk came from James Brown, four-on-the-floor. George Clinton. I feel like with the time, how everything changes, and with the kids, it’s just different. Everyone’s slowed down and half-timed out. I feel like we need to pick up the pace again and get it back.

I feel like it’s looked over, but that’s a whole conversation, bro. Cause you have the media not giving certain people shine. Like when disco was out, people were against disco like a motherfucker. I seen some shit where they burn records on the baseball field. I could ramble my ass off on this. But I guess we are overlooked in the genres.

I’ve heard you say you’re from both Compton and Lynwood.

Both, I stayed on Euclid and Long Beach Boulevard, that’s right around the corner from the Compton Swap Meet. If I walk to Long Beach Boulevard, I’m in Compton. But if I walk to the other corner of the street, I’m in Lynwood. All my high school stuff with the district...they said I was Lynwood. But my mom stayed in the projects not too far from my grandma. I was raised by my great grandma, then my other grandma she actually had a house in West Compton. So it was both. I like to say Lynwood because nobody really shouts out Lynwood or anything; it’s just a small city. Nobody really talks about it. They just say Compton. So I just wanted to give some love to the area because that’s where I went to school. I played drums in the choir.

What was life like growing up there?

Shit was like...I guess it’s a regular ghetto, like every other. I don’t want to sound typical, [but] I had the typical shit happen to me. Growing up I had a gun pulled out on me; I had drive-bys on my block. But me and my friends started dancing and skateboarding, you know what I’m saying? Then N.E.R.D. came out when I was like in 9th grade, so there was a group of us that just fucked with all that shit. We were all from the hood and shit, but we just made our own crew and clicked up. A lot of the time was spent going to church and then hanging out with the homies, dancing.

I saw that your childhood friends were the ones drumming on your chest in the video for “Controller.” If that was me, I’m pretty sure I would have fucked that up somehow.

One of the homies who was doing it, he’s fucking terrible at rhythm. I just told him it’s just, “One two, one two.”

Why’d you choose to go to school in Oklahoma of all places?

I wanted to stay, but I was around so many cool people that it was kind of hard to find my identity. Everybody was just like at a professional level already. I had the passion for it but didn’t have the skill level. I felt like I had to get away. Kendrick was talking about getting out the environment; he had to start going on tour and going around the world and blowing up. In his interviews he would talk about getting out of his environment and coming back a better person.

It feels good now because I came back now and can actually do something for my friends and the community. Not like I’m famous or nothing, but shit I’m doing something.

How do you see that “something” materializing in the next few years?

I made sure I didn’t travel to certain places because I wanted to experience them through music. I wanna be able to go somewhere and be in like Tokyo and have a show because if you experience everything through music it feels a lot better.

In three to four years, I’ll be better. I told myself three or four years ago that I’d be better, and I made those goals. So I just hope to have the resources to have my non-profit started. And also records, man...I hope that I’m making the magical records that I see myself making.

https://www.passionweiss.com/2018/05/13/channel-tres-interview/

#channel tres #house music #moodymann #god mode #Passion of the Weiss

0 notes