#why is it so hard to do the stuff that i am supposed to do

[ccrites]

Signal Lost

I've had something happen to me that's so incredible and that I could have never hoped, something so touching and so unbelievable that it made me rethink a whole lot of stuff: a wonderful reader on Ao3 started reading my long-form fic (101k words!!!) and commented basically every chapter after a certain point. And wow, I would have never thought something like this might happen.

And yeah, it is my first fic with plot in it, yeah I will never believe it to be perfect, but it's good enough. And receiving all those emails from Ao3 really was the highlight of my days over the course of which I saw said reader slowly go through all my favorite parts!

And so I wish to give it some spotlight here, while I'm finishing up my school year and work and whatever! I will post this here for now, but I will drop chapters every few days and make a Masterlist for it this weekend. I have too many loose ideas in my head so this is just to pass the time till the brain worms wiggle all in the same direction

So without further ado:

Link to AO3 here : Signal Lost - a John Price x reader fic

----- here's a blurb to pique your interest!

“I don’t think I’ve ever received a document as classified as this one. What am I supposed to do with it, Kate?” he says, dragging his thumb across the pile of papers, each file filled with more ink than the last.

“You asked for proof, there’s your proof,” Laswell says.

“You said you’ll bring someone competent, and who can help us, this doesn’t tell me shit.” He stares blankly at the screen, tired. She stares back.

“The Captain specifically asked to keep this under wraps.”

He rubs at his face, scratching at his beard. It’s getting long again.

“Who is he, anyway?”

“I can’t tell you that.”

He groans again, picking up the file on top. No photo, no name, no age, no height, weight, no nothing . And he thought Simon was secretive.

“What can you tell me?”

“It’s the closest we’ve ever gotten to him. Did things a particular way.”

He shifts through the papers. “And the discharge?”

“Left after the entire team got wiped out. Messy stuff.”

“That why he doesn’t show his face?” He bends forward, grabbing the cigar from the ashtray and bringing it to his lips.

“John.” Her voice carries a heavy warning.

“Just sayin’,” he says, biting around the cigar with one side of the mouth. “What kinda captain doesn’t go down with his men?”

“Got enough guilt as is. You’re lucky I convinced them.”

They both remain silent. They know the missions would be a slippery slope. One wrong move and a war is started. He puffs a cloud of smoke.

“Anything else?” John asks.

Kate looks to the side, her face illuminated by another screen. He can see her hesitate, her lips are pursed in a thin line as if she’s debating her options.

“You’ve worked together before.”

His face lights up. “Finally! Who?”

Her face immediately hardens back up. “Can’t tell, John, my hands are tied.” She sighs. “You were still a Lieutenant.”

Years ago then. He mentally catalogs everyone he’s ever worked with, but he knows that at that age, he was throwing himself at every available mission, wanting to make a name for himself. “So an old fart then? How’s that gonna help us?” If the guy was a Captain when he was still a Lieutenant, and he felt himself grow old, he can’t imagine who Laswell is bringing back from the dead.

Laswell’s face distorts, he knows he’s pushing her buttons, but he has to know.

“Not older than you John.”

His eyebrows raise. “Oh?”

---

or

returning to the military to hunt Makarov is hard enough, to do it with your past lover is even harder. a "friends to lovers to enemies to friends and back to lovers" story

---

Tags and other CW: will be posted for each chapter containing warnings for more hardcore stuff (i.e., torture and angst namely), but this is a fanfic, with smut, so if you want all the tags feel free to check the ao3 link bc there are a LOT and I am lazy to retype them all here

#cc writes #141 #tf 141 #call of duty #ghost #soap #gaz #price #john price #price x reader #captain john price x reader #captain john price #reader insert #fanfiction #john soap mactavish #simon ghost riley #kyle gaz garrick #ghost is kinda a softie in this one #price is a bit of an asshole at the beginning but you'll see i dont wanna spoil anything #reader is badass but has issues lmao thats the only way i can describe it #you can see when my writing style sort of improves so don't compare it to my most recent stuff lmao #anyway enjoy

[goodluckclove]

Various "Failures" From My Google Docs

Good morning! I'm at my usual coffee shop and got inspired by the troubles of a few friends to embarrass myself.

Sit down with me. I'm enjoying my usual blended chai. There's room on the couch if you'd like to join me.

So I've written thirteen novels. I think thirteen, I've actually lost count. Let's say, like, five full-length plays and twelve to fourteen finished novels. Impressive, right? Maybe. I'm realizing that I consider that not much of a brag, if only because I know the amount of trips and stumbles it took to get to one completed project.

I've ditched a lot of ideas. A lot. If I need to I can dig into my old hard drives to find all the doc files from my youth, but I also have the same Google Docs I've had since middle school.

It's mostly plays and ghostwriting assignments, but if you did you'll find some snippets from my constant attempts at growth.

Some stuff like this is okay. The line "hair slicked back/suit black silk" is pretty good, but a little too the writer thinks they're clever for me now. I don't really remember where I planned to go with this. I think the narrator was somehow going to be given the identity of Roy Fontaine. I was really fixated on the surname Fontaine at the time. I don't know why.

But then there's also a lot of stuff like this:

Hey look it's Fontaine again! I guess he's a doctor, too! Also I am astounded by how casually the main character just pulls out the Necronomicon. He pulls it out? From where? His pocket? Is it a zine?

I don't know why, but something about how suddenly this jumps in terms of dropping specifics makes me think that Sonic the Hedgehog is about to show up. I can't explain it.

This is the only thing in a Doc titled "Psychosis". I have zero memory of what I was planning on doing with this. What's kind of crazy though is that I wrote this in 2014, and six years later I'll use essentially this exact bit in a finished novel without even realizing it.

Another bit from 2014. No clue what I planned to do with this. It's hilarious to me that something stopped me from finishing the sentence. What am I, Franz Kafka writing The Tower? I didn't die. I wasn't raptured. I just apparently tried to think of something a large oak door would do and immediately gave up. It was 2014 I had finished, like, four novels. And this idea was fully stalled by what had to be a fucking huge oak door.

My favorite part of this radio play I tried to write is that somehow, believe it or not - when I wrote this I did not fully understand the Quantum Suicide thought experiment. And for along time I still kind of thought that this could be salvaged into a good idea, until last night when I asked my wife to put on a video describing the experiment and I immediately found it so dumb. Just ridiculously stupid. The only good thing about Quantum Mickey is that the title kicks ass and I'm definitely keeping it for something.

I've written a lot. A lot. I've earned the severity of carpal tunnel I currently have. If I had to put it into a statistic, I'd say maybe seventy percent ends up finished. fifty percent ends up polished to be read or published. Thirty percent actually ends up being read or published. I'm okay with this, because I enjoy the work. But for me, part of enjoying the work is not panicking when a project doing work.

If I need to end a project in the middle of a sentence, I do. I've clearly proven that I do. Sometimes I write for thirty pages and lose interest, other times I get a paragraph in and get distracted forever. That's okay.

That's okay. As long as you're doing something.

I could've included segments of Carnation, my first novella that was supposed to be a novel but I never finished it. But I fucking guess that's getting it's own post when I hit 150 followers so I hope you're prepared for what the type of stuff I enjoyed in middle school.

There's an Irish child that speaks exclusively in slang. You aren't ready.

#writeblr #writing community #on writing #writers on tumblr #authors of tumblr #writing #writing advice #writing tips #writing inspo #writing inspiration

[doodleodds]

Happy Valentines, Akira. Happy Valentines, Asshole.

If you can’t read what Akechi’s secondary inner-dialogue says cause I obscured it too much behind his regular dialogue, here’s a transcription in panel order: Hello, you fucking- Ah- Hello, Akira! Fuck off, why should I tell you- Just a soda- there’s a new flavor.

I don’t want your shitty gift. Oh- haha! You’re so sweet.

I hope I choke. They’re lovely, thank you.

Like hell. Likewise. There’s no way it’s just a coincidence. Still though, it’s a funny coincidence.

#p5 #akeshu #akechi goro #kurusu akira #wow- me?? posting a valentines comic... actually on?? valentines????? wack. absolutely wack #it's a short one! I purposefully tried to keep it short. it was a challenge and it still ended up being 3 pages. but i blame my canvas size #also in case u can't see what akira is holding out to akechi: theyre chocolate covered strawberries on sticks! #i saw them irl and was like oh god i want those. i am going to project that feeling on my favorite characters so help me god #and now! here we are! but my shitty-ass coloring & line quality make it hard to discern them so. sorry about that lmaooooo #ANYWAY i don't do enough post-maruki stuff so. i made this one a little bittersweet. :) #why did i put akechi's scarf in a bow? honestly i dont know! i think i saw some art a while ago that did that too and i thought it was cute #well. plus i guess there's the symbolism of 'akechi being alive and reciprocating your feelings (however involuntarily) IS a gift' part #hence that hes wrapped up in a bow. like a present. :) #also god. the first panel is supposed to be akechi's reflection in a vending machine window. I could NOT get it to look right #so for reference!!! just so you guys understand!!!!!! thats what that panel is supposed to be!!! he is NOT in fact a ghost. (sigh) #hope you enjoyed and had a lovely valentines!! for my part i have eaten nothing but sweets today and hoo boy will that have been a mistake #ALSO in terms of the audience-participation comic...hopefully coming soon. if i can ever gain the will to draw it. #but at least tumblr has polls now so i can do the audience-choose-y bit without needing to use a separate website! so thats good i guess #anyway anyway anway thanks for listening to me ramble if you made it this far! have a lovely rest of your day and hopefully see u again soon

[fortes-fortuna-iogurtum]

hey hey when Paul (or whoever that was writing the book of Hebrews) tells us not to complain or God might strike us dead, how do we separate that from toxic positivity

#I'm kind of struggling rn guys #being at a *insert denomination here* school full of people who are all trying very hard to appear more or less perfect all the time #is killing my nerves #because see I have just begun to truly break out of my own perfectionism #I wanna put it to death SO badly #but how am I supposed to do that when I constantly feel like I have to perform all the time???? #or else be considered a 'bad example'???? #there are people here who know me. from years ago and only like 3 of them but still. #I don't enjoy sensationalist preaching #at all. and I feel like there's some of that going on here. #sensationalist and also like. massively dragged out of context in order to make a point. #hhhhh. #gurt says stuff #delete later #I have worked SO HARD to get to this school!!! WHY am I suddenly feeling terrible about the decision to come here!!!!!!!! #just... say some prayers for me plz. I'm exhausted and sad and I miss my family right now. #and it feels like all my friends are out there doing Real Stuff (joining the military; getting married; learning hard skills) #and I'm just over here wandering around campus and feeling alone in a huge crowd of people

[invisiblyvisiblejay]

i do not know how im supposed to talk to people when im upset people keep telling me they want me to talk to them and then i do and then they get fucking upset and i don't understand what im supposed to do. im so tired of not understanding im so tired of fucking stuff up im so tired of being different i want to learn how to be okay on my own so i can stop interacting with people because it never fucking. works out or is good

#why are there correct ways to be upset #why are there social rules for how to respond to stuff #cant i just be fucking upset #can't i just be fucking anything #just because i can mask well enough to seem normal doesn't mean it's not really fucking hard #and doesn't mean it doesn't still fucking suck to know that no one would like me if i didn't put all of that effort in #bc every time i put in even a little less around someone whos supposed to care abt me or whatever they get fucking upset so i just. #idk #i want to just refuse to do it but i can't bc the whole fucking world relies on people liking you and that's fucking hard enough already #every time someone starts to see how i really am they stop liking me every time like why do i even fucking bother

[daz4i]

love my social worker he's so sweet and i love my mentor/guide/one day i'll find a fitting english word for what her role is too. last time i met the former he said they talked abt the thing i'm starting this thursday and said "while it feels like these circumstances may be impossible for you, logically speaking you shouldn't succeed there, yet both of us are certain you will" which is very nice but also AAAAAAAAAAAAA

#they're right like these ARE p much impossible circumstances for me #but i do think they think too highly of me and i'm definitely gonna disappoint them 🥲 #this was both assuring yet. like. pressuring. if that's the right word idk #ik there's the whole. 'what if i fail' 'but what if you don't' back and forth but genuinely. realistically speaking. i most likely will #i have never been able to maintain those daily structure stuff like school for example #and while i do hope that since this is only 4 short days a week (with a break in between 2 and 2) and smth i like doing - #- then i'll have an easier time. but. it's still gonna be so hard. #there's a reason i don't go out or wake up early ughhhhh it's bc i hate doing it. idk if theater would be enough to make up for that #and what if i don't like the people what if i don't get along with the directors what if i struggle with remembering lines or physicality #which will make it all so much harder and make the part i'm supposed to love unpleasant as well #what would i do then 🥲 #. why am i anxious about this rn. i have a tough day ahead of me for a different reason i should probably focus on first 🫠 #vent #sorryyyyyyy it's 1 am and i need to clear my brain out it seems #also maybe i want. advice. or encouragement. idek what i want. here. i don't wanna have to worry abt this but that's impossible ofc #(my mom told me today that she wants to tell me there's nothing to stress about but she knows that'll just be incorrect 😭 and she's right) #(dw she meant it nicely and gently as in she knew i'd just get mad at her for saying it lol. and i mean. again. gotta be realistic)

[divinitybeings]

I wanna knoooow, is ur oc some sort of killer in the sm universe? If si, how did they come to that? 👀

Since the very first concept of wanting to give Ruth a backstory, I wanted them to be a crazy ass person.

In their dentist years (before SM events take place) they kept a clean record, having a good reputation on the town.

Once meeting Bob and getting involved with the cult, being convinced to help him get victims through their consultory. They hated Bob's gut, but loved the thrill.

One afternoon a strange patient arrived to their dentist office. Gene, Ruth's assistant and friend/confidant, immediatly dreaded this figure but Ruth was willing to treat them nontheless.

To summarize, the patient was a vampire out for blood and he attacked them, leaving Ruth heavily wounded. But Ruth was able to kill the vampire gruesomely, the first glimpse of their sadism shining through.

After their recovery, Ruth began to act strange, soon realizing they themself had become a vampire, tainting their clean record even more by killing unsuspecting people to feed, Gene sticking by their side by helping them out with getting rid of evidence.

Once it became too much to control, they attacked their friend Gene, leaving him wounded. Ruth thinks they've killed him, but he was just heavily wounded, luckily, he could call for help. Out of shame, rage and overall being shocked of what they were capable of doing, they make the decision to vanish into the woods, occasionally going into town but heavily avoiding to as much as possible, making them go into a rampage once their hunger is too much to ignore.

The years of isolation makes them go insane, starting to enjoy messing with their victims.

They have killed, but they're not a killing machine.. they're just a messy eater.

What I mean by that is they don't tend to kill every victim, but will if they're famished and can't control themself much.

I'd say their victim count is high but fatal ones is around 3 unfortunate souls. (Not counting the ones they've helped Bob with. But really, Bob would mainly take care of that. (Actually.... Should I scrap that arc entirely....? Mmmm idk, noo maybe not cause Bob's the gateway of them getting into the messy shit in the first place.) )

That's how they became the insane Ruthie Patootie we hate and despise until I decide to change it or fix plot holes

One thing to add is they do encounter Gene later on after having been "found" by Frank. These two make them feel sorrow and regret like never before. Two people that make them feel like it's worth to change, worth to keep on trying after all that shit show.

GOSH can you imagine how DIFFERENT my oc lore would've been If I didn't make Ruth based off of my sona?

SO different. I can only imagine.

#random ruth lore post #Ruth Kettle #guys is this bullshit or do ya like ruth or do ya wish they died #god i wish it wasn't so hard for me to write this stuff #I had never written a character so intentionally flawed #it's hard #to #give them the redeeming qualities for them to be all lovey dovey with frank #THIS WAS SUPPOSED TO BE JUST SELF SHIPPING BRUH WHY DO I GOTTA MAKE THEM... EVIL #it's 3:37 am i'm not okay right now

[silverislander]

prof said congrats for writing up a proposal so early i am going to get a good grade in. well this is literally going to be graded. but yk the meme

#i really hope its decent proposals are really hard for me to write. i never really understand how much im supposed to say #also i dont plan stuff in advance! i hate drafts and proposals why cant i just jump in and run w my topic #i dont Know exactly what im going to cover just yet can i get back to you once ive covered it #levi.txt #i spent One page just opening the two page proposal so. i know it needs some cleaning up #but the last time i wrote one of these i only got a 75 (not a bad grade but i could do significantly better) bc. and i am not kidding. #i wrote a several page intro abt the themes of a story i was super pumped to write. and forgot the /plot characters and title/ #a 75 was honestly generous. that prof already liked me and knew my work so i got very lucky #also i just think the guy im working with for my essay is so cool and i want to impress him bfhshsk #ive taken 2 classes with him before he is so smart and so enthusiastic. i was 1 of only 3 who was there for every class both times #everyone whos helped me has been so cool and very nice to me i want to do a good job and prove that im as capable as they think #and also jesus fucking christ ive worked so hard for this degree PLEASE #if i dont get honours im walking into the forest laying down and letting the fae take me as they will #side note: i have 1.5 movies left (its late and im finishing army of the dead tomorrow + watching evil dead rise)!! thats so exciting #theyve (mostly) been really fun and i feel like i have a really good general idea of where im going w my essay now #the movie eras are starting to kind of organize themselves into coherent themes in my mind #i think its smth along the lines of racism/xenophobia -> social change -> satanic panic -> action and militarism -> prejudice/bias #and i actually think were in smth of a thematic reckoning w zombies rn as a culture that im excited to discuss!! #for so long weve accepted that zombies arent people but weve really been starting to interrogate that since abt the mid 2010s #w tropes like searching for a cure (not just a vaccine) or movies like warm bodies or evil dead where you can truly turn back #and im really excited to see where the future takes the zombie genre!!

[majorshatterandhare]

Apparently my brain really hates when names have A, U, and R in them, because without fail, every time I go to type Arthur my brain wants to spell it “Aurthur” or perhaps “Aurthr” and every time I go to type Marius my brain wants to type “Mauris” or maybe “Maurius” or maybe “Maurias” its unclear because I *usually* notice my mistake by the end because it’s clear to me those ending are wrong. Brain just really wants “AUR” together.

#if you see me misspell those names. that’s why #also im american so i default to pronouncing marius— hang on let me look up some IPA symbols #i pronounce is with this vowel ‘ɑ’ which is the open back unrounded vowel #where as they seem to pronounce it with the ‘e’ symbol which is an english (or at least am english) long a sound. #they say it like the name mary. like ‘marry us’ #reasons english needs either more vowel symbols or accent marks #also i am aware the ipa vowels are fucked up but its still the best ive got because even in the same language there are accents and- #dialects and that makes examples hard. i also learned recently that british and australian english has actual long an short vowels. #i knew american english didnt have strut (inverted v) but i didnt know- i mean i kinda did because i had noticed it but like not fully- #understood it. anyway if youve read this far you should go watch dr geoff lindsey on youtube hes great #to be clear we have ‘long’ and ‘short’ vowel sounds in am english. but ‘long’ and ‘short’ are just names. the actual length that we say- #them is apparently basically the same. at least when compared with br and au english. #dr geoff lindsey *just* published a video about this. re: how br and au eng speakers say ‘two o’clock’ and ‘four o’clock’ as significantly- #different lengths. while am english speakers say them the same length. he also touches on a bunch of other interesting stuff #im not gonna fandom tag this i guess #i think its funny though that its arthur and marius since they are both voiced by the same person #oh also i think all IPA symbols should have special names like eng. schwa. and strut. rather than having to be called shit like ‘open back- #unrounded vowel.’ although i do realize that theres a fuck tonne of ipa symbols. i also think each of the names should have the sound it- #represents in it. #im autistic about pronunciation somehow. arent i supposed to be in the… *other* sciences. how did this happen?

[opens-up-4-nobody]

...

#there should be a word for when youre talking around the tightness of tears #speaking against something that hurts #laughing specifically to undermine the seriousness of the statements youre voicing #the worst of both worlds. help me help me hahaha im not even joking hahaha but listen to the lies in my tone. dont focus on the words. #i want plausible deniability. but also i want u to understand my pain and give it a voice. speak it into existence because i cant say it #but if u do i might cry. that sounds hard that sounds like a lot. i kno i know. shut up. keep talking. do u think i dont feel it? i do #but if i split myself in two i can watch myself and suddenly it becomes funny. im not sure why. but i have a bad habbit of laughting at #inappropriate moments. because if its not funny then its just sad and what am i supposed to do with that? #i dunno. thats all to say my dad called bc i was looking at housing stuff and i was explaining some of the stuff im doing rn #and thats hard to talk abt without crying bc ive always been a cry bby but i didnt. and i love my parents theyre great #but they dont understand bc i havent told them all of it bc theres nothing they can do so y make them worry. and idk i also think they #think im less competent than i am. and part of that is just bc im their kid. part of that is bc there r things thst most ppl can do but i #struggle with. but its also not fun to hear: oh yeah i was surprised by how professional u sounded. or i think ur mom found u those #connections. when no. i did that. i made those things happen. i promise i can do things sometimes. but sometimes i cant. i dunno its just #it is what it is. whatever. decisions to b made. do i room with roommates for lower rent #or do i take an expensive place for a year for a single room? i dont want roommates but ill take them #i mean all the single places r like 950 at the very lowest without any utilities or anything but most r well over 1000 and like on a grad #student salary? i think not. not without losing money on net. i can deal with roommates. i have in the past. i wont b able to relax ever #but its fine. ya kno #just annoying. hah my dads sage advice was ah dont let it overwhelm u. go exercise. bc hes an endurance runner guy #and im like bro when i get home i have 1.5 hrs of daylight. but alas hes right. i do gotta run out my angers and its not enough #ugh. one more week. itll work out. and eventually ill walk into a counselors office like bro i just want u to tell me whether or not i have #0cd bc whatever the fuck it is that makes me do these things is absolutely destroying me. name the beast 0cd or 0cpd. tell me what box #i fit into. not that it matters but i feel like i cant complain until someone else rubber stamps me. actually then ill probably just obsess #abt how. actually. theyre wrong. ay fun times #i gotta shake shake shake my sillies out. and wiggle my waggles away. bc i never could let my kids songs go haha #unrelated

[sundial-bee-scribbles]

there's got to be some sorta irony here in this untitled document i made back in february apparently where i wrote a single sentence and nothing else and i don't even remember what i was originally gonna write here, so i open this document i don't remember existing and am greeted w/ this

#delete later #apparently yeah i can be a coward i can run away and never finish whatever tf this was supposed to be 😂😂😭😭😭 #if i do remember something(?) i think i actually fell asleep and thats why i never finished this; i created this document on my phone iirc #typed this and then passed the fuck out trying to think of what to write next #and me being me was prob like 'oh ill write it down later!' and then never did. man at least give me some context clues 😭😭 bestie what #I KEEP DOING THIS TO MYSELF knowing i have like the world's worst fucking memory. godddd. #im avoiding my homework so hard for now. god help me i am soooo fucking stressed AND THIS ISNT HELPING but jekdgljbhuringkbjk #i look at my own old stuff sometimes just cause. theres a lot of unfinished snippets here id like to come back to someday but brain blah

[cathalbravecog]

hmm, does anyone have anything that lists all the main storyline/taskline quests + their dialogue? i would love to re-read though them again for lore reasons. i know theres that one work in progress timeline document, but im looking for in-game main tasklines any player can see while they play. i can figure out the side stuff like the arg things and comics myself...

(long rambley explanation below that im putting under the cut because i know otherwise nobody will interact with this post)

(this is mostly for ocs, even if they don't follow the main storyline lore exactly - i would still like to know any and all details about the world the toons talk about so i can make things accurate and be able to talk about certain details... and get ideas from reading certain things. even though the lore in cogs only we have is... uh. lets just say this thing could never ever be canon but yknow HAHA)

and like... i do have a million damn screenshots, some of them taken purely to save certain dialogue that i look at RARELY (bc i forget i took these screenshots). and i dont wanna go through videos of people playing the game, i don't like doing that... but the wiki doesn't seem to list the dialogue anywhere, or i may just be looking in the wrong place?

because with so many main line quests you will forget a few things, and of course skip over dialogue when you're trying to do things quickly... with some things being related to the story and some being not...

so i would just really love to look over the main stuff again. ofc, side quests are apprecited too, but im looking for the main thing. gets a bit hard to figure out world stuff when you unfortunately never played tto becuse you didnt know it existed, and ttr's lore is very different from ttcc and honestly i dont even know what they got going on there anymore, i never paid attention to it even when i played ttr because honestly i cant give a fuck about disney characters outside their actual source material-

#'coz like i also saw some people mention ttc is like a vacation place for toons of the world (before the cog invasion) and im like #hmm interesting where can i read more about this to feed my hyperfixated little gay brain. the brain worms. they need information. give #them that. gimmie gimmie. grabby hands #also i have severe like. embarassement issues? idk what to call it. close to rsd. when i get lore wrong. #or when im unaware. like im supposed to be a fan of this and i DONT know this? yeah this is why i dont like saying i dont care about ttr #lore at all and that i wasnt there for tto... (but like come on i was too young and also bilingual so it was hard for me i didnt learn #proper ish english until like 2015 -2016) #so i find it really hard to admit 'yes i did not know that' and that i yes in fact do care about cog lore a bit more than the toon lore but #like its a bit easier to follow... #the issue with ttcc is that a lot of the non main taskline lore is... in journals and arg things and events that i DID NOT ATTEND #and its hard to find archive stuff of things u didnt know existed or were there... you had to see it for yourself #i love you ttcc lore no matter how ppl bash on it and how unlike original tto it is nd 'its like an fanfiction' (real take i saw) #(i mean its true but whats the problem with it lol lol) #because i am in fact a Tumblr User and I Am Into This Shit i can admit it is Catored To My Tastes and i wont let Your Opinion ruin #My Enjoyment #some stuff may be bit goofy there and a bit. hard to access. with some issues. but yk what despite that i really enjoy it!!!!!! #but RAHH please i need main taskline stuff #please gamers help #i. may ask this again where i dont ramble #because nobody wants to read through this shit and that makes them NOT want to help or answer #now a guilt trip btw i am aware it sounds like one but im just annoyed bc i often ask questions and then ramble...and never get an answer #and i just feel embarrassed. so its on me really oops

[autisticlee]

it always pisses me off when people start ghosting me and completely cut me off and think i'm annoying because I didn't ~get the hint~ all because they're too much of a coward to be straightforward and honest with me!!!!

i'll keep asking about a thing or when we are hanging out or try to converse with them, because their response is always excuses and not straight up "no" so how am I supposed to know?! either short responses of 1-5 words that I can't really respond to or things like "I'm busy this weekend/I'm too tired today/I forgot about it/we can try next time/I'll get back to you and le you know" are apparently all hints and lies to hide the truth. what they really mean when they tell me this is "no, stop asking. stop talking to me. I do not want to hang out with you or talk to you anymore"

why can't you just say that?! it will save you the annoyance of me asking you 20 times because i took your words at face value. your excuses sound temporary and you didn't get back to me so maybe you forgot. there are rare times people say these things and it's the truth or they really did forget!!!! when I say it, it's the truth. I also have a bad memory. you can't just suddenly ghost me for that! it's on you if you aren't being honest with me. it's up to you to be straightforward and tell the truth so you don't waste both our time. (what's worse is this is usually one of the first things I tell people when we meet. that I need then to be straightforward and honest. they promise they will but that's also a lie)

ghosting is so cruel (when the other person has no bad intentions/isnt causing harm). more cruel than telling me to my face you hate me and never want to speak again! i actually prefer that, so i at least know and can give up on your useless ass and stop wasting my time. don't give me false hope when i'm really excited to be friends and hang out, don't waste my time and energy and efforts, and don't lead me on with lies only to crush my entire soul when I find the truth much later. just say it and get it over with!!!! it's your fault if I annoy you by "not taking the hint" because there was no hint, lying isn't a hint. spill the truth and don't blame me for it!!!!!!

this is why i've given up with people and now only give attention to the ones who contact me first every time continuously, and I put little effort into anything anymore. I know that will end up making some people give up on me by thinking i dont care. but I'm tired of wasting my time and energy on the people who put no effort into me. you must prove yourself and keep doing it or I won't try at all. the people who ghost me and hurt me are to blame. yes, I live a very lonely existence with maybe one friend I talk to once every week or two for a total of 5 minutes at most. yes I wish I had more connections or closer ones. but i'm SO FUCKING TIRED. i'm tired of trying so much and so hard just for people to shit on my efforts and disrespect my needs and boundaries!!!!!!

why should I keep trying when it always ends bad and adds yet another layer to my trauma.

#it happens every time!!!!!!!! i dont havw the spoons amd energy to keep giving these people every piece of me. theres nothing left!!!!! #people always tell me keep trying dont give up dont cut yourself off from everyone etc #but everyone cuts ME off so wtf am i supposed to do????? keep wasting energy and brain power just to let them keep doing it?! #its like if you spend a year carefully crafting a custom blanket for someone. putting in all your love and time and energy. give it to them #AND THEY SER IT ON FIRE AND WALK AWAY. NOT EVEN ACKNOWLEDGING HOW HARD YOU WORKED OR ANYTHING #that's what its like every time i try with people. it's a waste and i never get anything good out of it 😭 #so why would it be wrong to protect myself by taking the part of the cold and unresponsive one for once? act like them instead? #no try or give someone much attention until they do like i always did and put in a ton of effort and keep it going? #if someone tries as hard as i always did then they must be good and worthy of keeping around and putting some effort into myself right? #ugh idk. i hate all of this and humans arent good at being good friends and im tired of trying to be one too #perhaps me not trying will make people think i dont care about them so they give up still anyway. well oh well #that means they didnt try gard enough and would have given up anyway. if i dont get attached or care much first then it hurts less #i know everyone tries to make me feel better by saying stuff like the right ones exist and my people are out there or whatever #but i will not believe it until i see it. because it's possible that is not true. it's possible i'll never have real/close friends #what then????? what do i do about that?? people love telling me i'll find the right people but no one steps up to try being that one #this all sounds doom and gloom but I'm just venting. in reality i just give it 3 tries. #if a person makes excuses or doesnt respond or doesnt carry the conversation 3 times on a row i will give up and it's their move. #if they dont come forward at all then we are done and i will never reach out to or speak to them again. if they want me they can prove it #lee rambles #autistic #autism #actually autistic #autism things #autistic friendship #friendship problems #loneliness #communication #cptsd #rsd #the fun thing about the cptsd and rsd combo is when people do these things i get hit with a wave if every past experience and relive it 🙃

[icewindandboringhorror]

i can tell summer has been very hot and annoying to me this year because just seeing snow in the sims is enough to be deeply emotionally moving 

#like it doesn't even look that nice. its just a plain default house with pixelly trees and stuff but literally even seeing reminders #of snow and winter it's just like aAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA i feel like i could cry ghhj #It's like a transcendent experience just to gaze upon digital snow #I feel like I have the opposite of that seasonal affective disorder thing where people get depressed in the winter and are so happy #to see summer and warm weather. for me it's like the second it starts to get warm I am filled with nothing but dread and miserable until #it's finally fall again and ESPECIALLY winter. my only complaint is that I hate being out at night or driving in the dark #or going anywhere and doing anything if it's not daylight. so in the winter when it starts to get dark at like 4pm its super limiting #IF it were reversed where winter had the longest daylight and summer had the shortest then winter would legitimately be the absolute perfect #season in every way. Short days is it's only solitary flaw #Just like longer days/more daylight is summers ONLY positive #I'm sure this is also different for people with central heating and air but for those of us with either zero ac or a tiny little #dinky window ac thats hard to install and uninstall every year and doesnt actually get the whole house and etc. etc. etc. #then it's just like.. idk how I'm supposed to enjoy constant headaches and being drenched in sweat #and unable to sleep half the time because it's 85F INSIDE OF MY ROOM when tryong to get comfortable and being basically unable #to go outside because you feel like you're going to pass out and you have to keep like 5 layers of heat/light blocking curtains up #just to try and reduce it a little so it's just like 2-3 months sitting in a steaming dark box sweating and miserable #And then people are like 'thats why we go on vacation! it's my favorite season because I get to travel away from the heat and go to the rive #r or the coast!' and it's like.. okay.. if it was REALLY a good season then you wouldnt have to travel just to get away from it like hghb #that argument just makes it look bad? 'Summer is good because I can enjoy spending my time escaping the conditions of summer!' #ANYWAY.. i hope cooler weather will finally arrive soon. there are STILL days in the mid-high 80s here... why was is like #87 degrees this afternoon on fucking September 25th .... w h y #I know climate changes is affecting the entire everywhere but it seems to be heating up so quickly on the west coast #If I cant get to the uk or canada or at least back to the northeast US in the next few years I am going to become an evil villain #idk how much longer I can take this before I transform into a rabid beaste #ANYWAY.. as always.. my mood is craving the cold.. craving snow.. I love being cold so much. I used to sneak into the walk in cooler at #daycare when I was a kid legit like cold has just always been so comforting for me. I am not built to be even moderately warm ever at all lo #l... It is so draining and the longer that summer goes on the more intense it is until I'm like crying at sims pictures ghjbj

[bumbleblurr]

g1 blurr & rb blurr are the only 2 blurrs designed to be alive. Everybody else gets to die and suffer

Edit as I was typing the tags: OH YEAH ARMADA BLURR I'm p sure he gets alive privileges too

#i am not joking Actually thsoe 2 are literally are not meant to not die #rb blurr is in a baby kids show hes safe from all harm #and g1 blurr. is very much not supposed to die hes supposed to replace ppl that died #tf the movie had everybody die so the new cast can come on in. and blurr is a part of that new cast #the irony of this is not lost on me and i think its hilarious #blurr is introduced in the everybody dies movie and doesnt die. most interations of blurr following that very much die #i constantly see ppl mistake the last blurr on the disadvantages of blurr as g1. this isnt entirely accurate #and i didnt tag it as g1 bc of this. thats uk marvel comics blurr not cartoon g1 blurr #which. sure thats g1 too ig but are u seriously gonna tell me when ppl say ''g1'' they are thinking abt the marvel comics. #no theyre thinking about the cartoon #and i have to reitarate so hard. cartoon g1 blurr is So Specifically not a blurr that dies or gets close to it #u may be asking ''wooly why do u give so much of a shit about if ppl think g1 blurr is a part of the blurr death club?'' #well i can answer that. its bc i can. this isnt actually important at all lol #i just get irrationally huffed up when ppl are wrong abt stuff i like even if its completely inconsequential. im a nerd you see. #OK THIS IS THE POINT I REMEMBER ARMADA BLURR #i dont think he dies. idk i havent seen this one i just watch clips of it and go ''i like the hot shot guy :]. blurr is cool here too'' #i love his design in that series even though its not meant to be blurr originally i think #but orange and blue is p swaggy and the red demon eyes are cool i cannot deny this #i do think his characterization is actually not far off from blurrs base character #like ppl say the anime tfs have like no relation to their other counterparts (and include blurr in this statement i think) #but from what i can tell.. i dont think that's rlly the case with blurr? #like yeah hes much more of a brooding kind of serious and gruff than other blurrs #but that falls in line with how tfa blurr is p serious (even if he didnt exist at this time) #and hes a former racer & p competitive thats sounds like ur typical blurr following idw #its just a different way going abt it which i might..prefer over typical modern blurrs??? #idk i havent seen the whole show/trilogy but i like it when blurr is serious and a stick in the mud #so basically all this shit i have to say abt armada blurr boils down to. i dont know enough abt him to explain why he doesnt die #he just doesn't. he gets treated as a normal character and not canon fodder #and never again does he get this treatement if hes not protected by baby show immunity <3 #🐝 could you repeat the last part? 🟦

[a-walking-fandom-reference]

anybody else just feel like they don’t know how to take care of themselves

#i just why is everything so hard like you go to the doctor and they are like drink water exercise eat a balanced diet take your meds it’s #like how am i supposed to do all this stuff it took me years to sorta get a routine with my meds but like everything is so fucking hard #rey actually speaks