#wicker story | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

theparanormalperiodical · 2 years

Text

The Wicker Man (2006): Why It Should’ve Been A Video Game // Detailed Plot Recap, In-depth Review And Film Facts You Didn’t Know

This week, I wanted to try something *new*. Inspired by Jaime French who does these hilarious recap/bitch-fest videos ‘bout classic 90s ‘n’ 00s films, I thought I could do my own hilarious reviews of films. You know how hilarious I am.

But, I don’t know, I kinda felt like I was nicking her idea and not being ori-gi-nal. Then I remembered that a blog like this could solve a problem I face a lot with the horror genre: I don’t always like to watch horror films.

They’re a commitment. They scawy.

I don’t always want to force myself to watch a movie full of jump-scares and freak myself out, and other days I’m just not in the headspace to be immersed in some of the gory issues they cover. As you can imagine that makes being a horror blogger, uhhhh, well, impossible.

So here’s the plan, Stan - I’m gonna take one for the team. I’m going to write a fully-fledged recap, review and analysis of classic horror films so you don’t have to sit through the crap ones or hide behind the sofa for the traumatising ones, and we can just soak in our favourite genre together.

Now, when I first considered doing this blog series, I thought I’d review the last horror film I saw: The Wicker Man (1973). But I quickly realised it’s hard to really review something you last saw months ago - you need to connect with the vibe, pick up on mistakes and give a detailed view of it backed up by facts. So, obviously, I thought I’d catch it on Prime, right? While the ‘73 flick wasn’t available for free, the ‘06 one was.

Yes, one of the most infamous horror films ever produced featuring Nicolas Cage and a whole lotta bees, the poster child of so-bad-it’s-good movies.

In today’s review, I’m going to recap the plot, deep-dive the good and the bad of The Wicker Man (2006), and finish up with whether it’s worth a watch.

But first, let’s start with a spoiler-free review, so you can consider whether you want to watch it and then come back to this post.

While I don’t hate this film and think it had buckets of potential, I’m not sure it’s worth a film night with dimmed lights, surround sound and microwave popcorn. It’s a pretty un-engaging, gentle watch, even if you love Nicolas Cage and memes.

1.8/5 stars

youtube

Let’s start with a recap of the plot

Policeman Edward Malus (Nicolas Cage) is taking time off duty after he witnesses a mother and her daughter die in a traumatic car accident. He receives a letter from his ex-fiancée which says her daughter has gone missing where they live, on the remote island of Summersisle. He goes to investigate and has to hitch a ride for the final leg of the journey with a bloke that pilots a seaplane and delivers goods to the island.

Immediately Malus discovers this is a rural, Amish-like community full of locals not willing to help him find Rowan. No matter how much he flashes his badge or raises his voice to tell everyone he’s a police officer, they just tell him they’ve never-ever seen her before. Even the students at the school claim to not recognise her, but Malus finds her name crossed out on the school register. The teacher eventually lets slip that Rowan died and is buried in a churchyard. Or is she? She says “she’ll burn to death” before correcting the tense she used (“she burned to death”).

Malus stumbles across other clues outlining the causes and circumstances of Rowan’s disappearance, from a missing picture on the pub wall which shows a different local girl standing in front of the yearly harvest to a freshly dug grave. Convinced she’s been killed, he goes to the seaplane to radio the mainland for extra police support, but someone has murdered the pilot and sunk the plane.

He then asks the local doctor/photographer about the missing photo. He finds it, and there’s Rowan standing in front of a failed harvest. But he also stumbles across a book titled “Rituals for the Ancients” which suggests they’re about to sacrifice Rowan to the Mother Goddess for the promise of a better harvest (they produce honey) next year.

After accidentally getting stung by a shit-tonne of bees by the beehives which prompts an allergic reaction, he is saved by the local doctor and finally meets Sister Summersisle - the Earthly representative for the Mother Goddess. She denies him permission to exhume Rowan’s body and explains more about their beliefs and matriarchal society.

Frustrated by the lack of answers, Malus digs up the grave to find a burnt doll and finds her jumper in the flooded crypt. He then conducts a house-to-house search of the entire island as it’s the day of the festival and, therefore, the sacrifice.

After not finding Rowan, Malus sneaks into the festival disguised in the innkeeper’s bear costume where he rescues Rowan who is tied to a tree, ready to be burnt alive. Their attempt to escape to safety is cut short, however, when Rowan leads them back to the locals, revealing that all along this was a trap.

His ex-fiancée sought him out to impregnate her so they’d have a sacrifice, a stranger connected to them by blood. After some torture, including lots of bees, Malus is carted off to the huge Wicker Man where he will be burnt alive inside. Rowan sets the Wicker Man alight.

Six months later we see a new trap being set: in a bar in some US city, Malus’ ex-fiancee and another local start flirting with random men…

Some fun facts about the film

It’s a remake of the 1973 British film and was directly inspired by the 1967 novel Ritual (see gif below)

It just lost out on breaking even - it grossed $39m on a $40m budget

The original director of the 1973 film, Robin Hardy, made Warner Bros remove his name from all promotional material for the remake

It has just a 15% approval rating on Rotten Tomatoes

Universal had been trying to remake The Wicker Man since the 90s, but it was finally announced in 2002

Now, let’s get to talkin’ bout it

Of course, I have to start with Nicolas Cage’s acting. Speaking honestly, I don’t want to sit here and criticise his craft - I’d be shite at acting, and it’s not like he’s an unsuccessful bloke. But the problem isn’t the over-acting. It’s the plain weird acting.

Throughout the film, Malus witnesses a seriously traumatic event - a car accident where the two passengers are burnt alive - and suffers from PTSD-symptoms as a result. Like in one dream he sees Rowan drowned just by the dock and then he’s holding the bloated corpse of a young girl. Waking with a start, he doesn’t, ya know, have a panic attack, or exhibit a normal amount of terror of anxiety.

He yells “God dammit!” like he just missed a bus.

And then, throughout he film, the way he speaks to people is plain odd. The rest of the cast are fine actors, and speak with those nuances and the tone of a cinematic film. He acts like a normal person would where everyone else is poetic and dramatic. It’s like me wandering into a Shakespeare play and asking Macbeth where the local pub is in modern British-English.

A great example of this is when he meets with Sister Summersisle for the first time after getting stung by the local bees. She speaks in that cinematic way, saying “you nearly got killed by the bees, what a pity”. There’s the suggestion that it’s either a pity the bees died or he nearly did. And then Cage straight up retorts with “what do you mean by that?” with no dramatic furrow of the brow or threatening tone in his voice. He might as well be asking her what the word “pity” means.

Cage is a sore thumb in the film, sticking out against the picture-perfect aesthetic, his complex ex-fiancee and powerful Sister Summersisle.

This is made worse by the fact that the beginning of the film feels cheap. Of course, with Summersisle being full of lush greenery, cute houses and fantastic costuming, it’s likely they just splurged on the majority of the film. But the opening, where we meet Malus, relies on that ASOS leather jacket, a does-this-look-like-Mexico orange filter you can get with iMovie and a flimsy set. When Malus shuts his front door behind his concerned colleague, for example, he has to like shut it again, probably because it’s made out of paper-mache.

It unfortunately sets the tone for the rest of the film, confirming it’s crappily written, crappily produced and crappily executed. Problem is, it’s not. This film is chockful of great stuff.

Take the ending:

Watching Malus be lead back to the locals by Rowan. Hearing Sister Summersisle reveal the extent of the trap. His ex telling him he’s “done so well” to fall into it. Him realising has no ammo in his gun and nowhere left to run (hey, that rhymes!). It’s so frustrating, and really conveys exactly what Malus must’ve been feeling the entire film and as he realises he is doomed to die - it’s perfect!

And when I saw the policewoman remove her mask and reveal she was a local all along I died. This fresh take of the original plot had so much potential.

Potential that was let down also by some very obvious plot lines. It’s revealed halfway through the film that Rowan is Malus’ daughter, but as this is what everyone assumes when he reads the letter it��s not exactly a shock. I know the entire plot is obvious considering the twist is so well known, so perhaps I should give them the benefit of the doubt. But then there’s the plot holes.

Remember the car accident that opens the film? Where he sees a girl and her mother die? On reflection, it’s probably just supposed to be some foreshadowing to get us thinking about him trying to save a mother and daughter from danger. But when the police recover the bodies, it’s revealed there’s no trace of them in the system, which suggests they’re somehow linked to the rest of the film, like they’re residents of Summersisle or something? I don’t know, it just opens up an area of interest you expect to be resolved in the film. I’d have preferred it there was no uncertainty, and they were just an average suburban family off on vacay to really show the distinction between the mainland US and Summersisle.

It becomes clear the locals of Summersisle are dangerous and are misandrists (hate men) when the seaplane pilot that delivers good to the island is killed. Supposedly the locals do this because they’re angry he brought Malus to the island to investigate Rowan’s disappearance. But wasn’t that the plan all along? Wasn’t the pilot integral to the trap? And then later, when it’s revealed the locals routinely seek out men to as future potential sacrifices if harvests go tits up (I assume that’s how it works), wouldn’t they need him to bring ‘em to the island?

There’s also the issue of the quality gap between the opening and close of the film. Okay, fine, most films have different phases and vibes as the plot progresses. But the three distinct sections of this film aren’t to do with the plot. The beginning is cheap. The middle is slow. The ending is mental.

Despite my lengthy criticism and positive reflections on the film, I drew one final conclusion: it should’ve been a video game.

It just had that vibe and structure of a story-driven video game, like a prettier version of Silent Hill with fewer jumpscares and a thicker plot.

There’s the unique locations to explore, like the school and doctor’s house. There’s missing items to find, like the photograph of Rowan and the failed harvest. There’s fresh clues to stumble upon like the jumper and the grave. There’s a whole roster of potential NPC dialogue, like the ex-fiancee perhaps telling you “you should go check the crypt” over and over until he does it. There’s even the subtle throwbacks to the original film, like the seaplane (which the policeman of the ‘73 film flew). All tied together with cut scenes where you meets your ex-fiancee and ask her about what you’ve discovered to further the story.

Will you make the right decisions and get the good ending, where you prevent the murder of the seaplane pilot, carry Rowan to the harbour and fly off to safety? Will you find all the easter eggs, including the joker costume and the dead rabbit from the ‘73 film?

The final verdict *drum roll pls*

I don’t hate it, but it’s just not worth the watch. Even for fans of so-bad-its-good movies, there’s not enough funny bad stuff for it to be enjoyable. Just a bit boring. Save 100 minutes and watch the best bits on YouTube, instead.

Enjoyed this blog? Go ahead and let me know by liking and reblogging this post.

Want to hear more reviews? Let me know which film you want to hear about next, and hit follow to be updated with my next one.

#The Wicker Man #Nicolas Cage #Horror Movies #horror films #bad horror films #horror #scary movies #ghost stories #true ghost stories #paranormal #supernatural #cult #pagan #Film Review #so bad it's good #unintentionally funny

8 notes · View notes