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#wiggle room
lilbeanz-wibblywobbly · 5 months
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A short fic! A little experiment 🤷‍♀️
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processes · 3 months
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On Natural Logs
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jamesgalgano · 6 months
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wiggle room
Wiggle room? By james a. galgano
No wiggle room for wonder Each domino disappears into horizon. Eyes bloodshot blink through tears Satiating a brook’s babbling thirst Memories dance like ballerina’s delight Each minuet it is so hard to forget. What unfortunately felt so right at the time? So, was it victimless as first thought or a crime? Did you even get the alibi half right? Or did the words ramble as usual into “dead of night.” Where the only corroboration was an alcoholic’s tale One where you did not even know you were there? Lost in a maze of inescapable recollections. Before going quietly with not as much as a goodnight While domino theory feared came through misdirection Within old, tired eyes captive reflections Cloud what was once thought perfect symmetry. Where thus forever remains, you judge and jury? Without wiggle room in predicting the verdict’s delight There beneath reclining dominoes one remains contrite. Within a whirl of recurring reminders into “dead of night”
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egophiliac · 7 months
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starting off with an amuse-bouche of some of my initial favorite bits! y'all, this update was WILD.
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obsob · 2 years
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they are wiggling because they are full of love
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horrorcas · 2 months
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THEY WERE NEVER ALONE
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cmweller · 2 years
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Challenge #03379-I091: Eternal Regrets
Half Angel / Half Demon, All Hero. Amatu tries to find a way to cure Malforence of their curse and bring them back into the light.
https://peakd.com/fiction/@internutter/challenge-03327-i039-a-brief-and-regrettable-encounter -- FightingFit
The simplest of questions lead to the longest of stories. In this case, a simple, "What happened to them?" lead to the kind of story that could take days to tell. Wraithvine knew their time was limited and tried to keep it to the barest of bones.
The best of intentions. A chronic disease that shortened their time. Desperation. Mistakes. A warning that was not heeded. Trying and failing and failing to turn them away from a path.
"It's been centuries since they broke my heart. For some time, I thought I wouldn't have a heart left any more." A sigh almost as old as ze was. Perhaps it was even older. "Sometimes, people won't be saved. I never did learn to let them go to their own doom."
[Check the source for the rest of the story]
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relaxwithaaron · 2 months
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Still has price tag
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neechees · 4 days
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Who would you cast as Charles?
Choosing out of the actors that currently famous (& not undiscovered talent), Sinqua Wallis could get the job done I think. He is also Afro-Native!
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thotsonayacht · 2 days
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pfhwrittes · 10 days
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here have a widget POV of some of the first part of my housemate!gaz series as filler while i completely re-do the second instalment.
TW: none (except this is the POV of a cat)
i fully admit to using @391780's fic Absolutely Not as inspiration. my thanks and gratitude for being a wonderful source of inspiration, early. you're a fucking gem.
widget waits at her bowl patiently like a good girl because Mama forgot to feed her again. Mama does that sometimes. she’s been doing it more since she met The Hairy One but it’s okay because Not-Mama feeds widget when Mama forgets. Not-Mama always sounds grumpy when they see the bowl is empty but they always put more biscuits in. widget likes Not-Mama. 
widget didn’t used to like Not-Mama. they were Very Rude to begin with. they kept trying to touch widget when widget would sit (not hide, widget does not hide) under the sofa. Very Rude would try to touch widget and make Loud Noises at widget. eventually Very Rude would stop trying to touch widget and would sometimes share their treats when Mama wasn’t looking. widget cannot be bribed but they were yummy treats. widget decided to test Very Rude one day by sitting on Very Rude’s lap. Very Rude did not touch widget at all. that is when widget decided Very Rude could be Not-Mama instead. 
widget is sad. widget tells Mama she is sad through the closed door. Mama won’t let widget sleep in her bed any more, not since The Hairy One sleeps in widget’s bed now. Mama doesn’t listen to widget sometimes, so maybe widget needs to get louder so Mama will open the door so widget can sleep in her bed again. Mama! Maaaamaaa! MA. MA! Not-Mama opens their door and makes nice sounds at widget. widget would like to sleep on a bed so widget decides to put up with sharing with Not-Mama for now. Mama will let widget sleep in her bed again as soon as The Hairy One goes away. 
The Hairy One stays more. Mama keeps her door closed a lot. widget doesn’t want to sleep on her bed because it Smells now. widget realises that people do not realise that they Smell but they do. sometimes widget thinks that the people forget that she can Hear them lots too. even Not-Mama can Hear Mama and The Hairy One make Loud Noises when it is dark. widget doesn’t want to know what Mama and The Hairy One are doing that is so Loud and Smelly. widget will be kind to Not-Mama and share her sofa with Not-Mama, just like Not-Mama shares the bed with widget. Not-Mama doesn’t mind if widget sleeps on their neck where it is warm and widget can feel their funny little purrs in the dark. 
widget watches Mama and The Hairy One from the living room. maybe Mama or The Hairy One will give widget biscuits now. Not-Mama gave widget biscuits before it got dark and now it is light again and Not-Mama has Gone Out. Not-Mama was moving fast and making lots of noises at their hand on their face. maybe Not-Mama had the zoomies, you don’t want biscuits when you have the zoomies. so widget waits and watches Mama and The Hairy One from the living room. they don’t seem to be moving towards the kitchen, widget should probably help them. Hello! Mama! biscuits now. Hello! Mama picks up widget for cuddles which is nice but it is not biscuits. Mama! biscuits now! widget gets put down and widget is happy, clearly Mama understood this time but oh. Mama and The Hairy One are going to the Gone Out. Mama? biscuits now. hmm, maybe Mama will come back and give widget biscuits when she gets back. widget decides to nap on the sofa until Mama or Not-Mama comes home. 
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sparring-spirals · 9 months
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choosing to think that Imogen rolling poorly is because of an unknown, extradimensional Bailey Effect. Somewhere out there, unbeknownst to her, Jester Lavorre is accidentally siphoning away all of her good luck and universal wiggle room for things like 'inventing unicorn hamsters" "slightly altering the fabric of space and time to dunk on an enemy" "putting hats on the unicorn hamsters". and thats why, in the meantime, sometimes when imogen does her dang best to cast a spell she falls down a flight of stairs. or turns blue.
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brookheimer · 10 months
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i feel very mixed on shiv's ending, particularly her choice to return to tom -- i think it makes sense from a thematic/character arc perspective and is a powerful yet devastating indictment of both shiv and the world that created her as well as showing that the cycle of abuse will always continue to cycle, that shiv will become her mother etc, but i also think it does not make sense from a character/internal logic perspective. it's a choice that makes sense from the writers, but not from shiv, not yet. it could've been a brilliant ending to her character, but is tainted for me by the less-than-ideal execution of it, which felt very rushed, making shiv's final submission to tom feel forced by the show rather than forced by the situation or honest to her character. the ending is not inherently misogynistic from the writers' side as i've seen some criticisms claim (it is a dark but real portrayal of misogyny within capitalist society and how it's internalized within the white women who end up at the hips of the CEOs who run it), but i do understand how it could feel that way. the show fails at building up to (and thus convincing us) that the version of shiv we currently know would so immediately subject herself to her mother's fate, so instead of it feeling like shiv's hand was forced by patriarchy to place herself into her worst nightmare, it instead feels like the show itself was the thing that forced shiv to take that route, which does leave a sour taste in the mouth. it doesn't feel like the result of a choice shiv would make or the impact of patriarchal society bearing down, it just feels rushed and thus wrong. shiv would've benefitted immensely from a few more episodes or even just a few scenes dedicated to teasing out her newfound willingness to subject herself to immense disrespect in order to remain close to power, but given that her entire character has always been defined by her inability to do just that unless forced to (which i don't think she was in this situation as she could've easily not waited in the car for tom, not put her hand in his, but she did), her return to tom feels hard to comprehend, and her near immediate submission to him hard to stomach.
(read more under the cut because jesus christ did this get long)
in my mind, at least, i've always understood shiv as being respect-driven rather than power-driven -- she wants power, yes, but more than anything she wants to be taken seriously and respected and seen as a legitimate player, and time and time again we've seen her blow up situations that would've been very advantageous long-term because she felt disrespected and needed to speak up and force people to take her seriously (which, ironically, typically results in the opposite). shiv's overarching goal is power, but her immediate necessity is always respect. her dignity is her number one priority at any given moment, even when it shouldn't be, even when it stops her from attaining the success and power she wants. i can kind of understand shiv going against kendall because of this -- she's always had a very, very narrow lens whenever she feels like she's being disrespected, and even though it is infinitely more humiliating for your (somewhat ex) husband to betray you and boot you out of the CEO position behind your back at the behest of your supposed closest ally (and for you to still vote for them after that!!!) than it is for you to magnanimously allow your brother to be CEO (which would publicly be seen as a choice, as telly etc said - sibs need to stand united behind one chosen CEO - rather than shiv being out of the loop and fucked to infinity), the narrowness of her vision upon seeing kendall about to win makes it impossible for her to think about that legitimately. it's not just jealousy, it's indignity: shiv feels she earned CEO through her machinations with mattson and feels genuinely sick seeing the loganified kendall grinning at the head of the table, hearing his "that's fucking right" and witnessing his cocky entitlement to the job that belonged to her. so, she does what she always does when she feels disrespected, when she feels her dignity is at stake, and impulsively blows everything to fuck, including her own best interests. that makes sense for shiv, at least somewhat -- i still think that as much as she wouldn't want ken as CEO she'd feel like at least w that outcome she'd be seen as a player and a deciding factor, whereas with mattson/tom she'd be viewed as a pathetic fucked-over nothing woman pawn etc (a situation of unparalleled indignity imo), but i can rationalize her choice to go against ken anyways as being part of the narrowed field of vision she always gets upon feeling disrespected by men in her life that makes it impossible for her to think strategically (and i guess even though the disrespect was greater and more humiliating from tom/mattson than ken, ken was the most recent most present and most lifelong source so that's all she could focus on; seeing him like logan was too much to bear). it's hard to imagine shiv publicly throwing her vote behind two men who publicly fucked her as humiliatingly as mattson and tom just did, even if the other option is kendall, but i think that's part of it -- it's fundamentally illogical, even from her disrespect-lens, because there's just something about kendall specifically being in charge that she's never been able to stomach. it's visceral and impulsive. it's not meant to make "sense." it's just what she feels she has to do to preserve her own dignity, even though it works directly against those same interests realistically. it wasn't executed very well, making it hard to entirely buy it given just how publicly humiliating the alternative is, but it can still be chalked up to her historically one-track-mind when it comes to indignity by the hands of kendall in particular. it's a last-ditch attempt for shiv to at least feel like she's maintaining her dignity, her self-respect, as counterintuitive as it actually is. it makes sense. i can stomach it.
again, shiv's fatal flaw (in logan's eyes and aside from her original sin of being a woman) has always, always been her inability to shut up and make the smart move in situations where she feels she's being disrespected or not taken seriously. if shiv stayed quiet during that dinner with the pierces, maybe she would've been logan's CEO, but no, she couldn't stop herself, she needed to feel she was being taken seriously, she burst out 'cmon, dad, just tell them it's going to be me.' she is unable to play it smart, to keep quiet, to win when winning means perceived disrespect. she's allergic to it. even on a personal level, she shoots herself in the foot constantly because of this: she is unable to let herself have the things she wants because she can't put herself in positions that open her up to disrespect and perceived inferiority. she can't be vulnerable because she needs to be respected. tom asks her if he could 'try to make love to her' in episode one of this season, and even though she clearly wants to, she says 'no, i don't think so, tom.' tom tells her he 'wants her, wants this' back in episode six, and even though she clearly wants that too, she draws back and says 'well then you shouldn't have betrayed me.' shiv is fundamentally incapable of allowing herself to remain in possibly advantageous situations when she feels at risk of being seen as lesser, of being disrespected, of being perceived as weak. that is her response to patriarchy. when patriarchal forces bear down, shiv is unable to grin and bare it -- she has a short fuse, a sharp tongue, and an inability to entertain even a second of being treated like The Woman, of being looked down upon, especially when it's for her gender. it's the one thing she cannot do, cannot let herself do, and it's why she fails to "win" over and over and over again. she shoots herself in the foot the second her patriarchy disrespect sensors tingle. she makes the wrong choice, the dumb choice, the one that makes her feel like she stood up for herself in the moment but ends up leaving her powerless and helpless in the end. that's the only explanation for why she chose to vote against kendall (the clearly better option for her long-term as she'd 1) be respected as part of the decision, as someone who helped choose the CEO rather than a Woman who got fucked over and had the door slammed in her face by her husband and close ally simply because she possessed a womb, and 2) probably be head of ATN or some other area of waystar, she'd have actual power within the company and be respected as a legitimate source of power rather than the CEO-to-be made CEO's humiliated wife -- if she was capable of making the smart, selfish choice in terms of power instead of having a hair-trigger reaction to gendered disrespect and cocky male superiority, she would have voted kendall. but she is not capable of doing that. she never has been. so she voted tom and mattson.
so what i still cannot for the life of me understand is what would compel this shiv, the one who cannot stomach indignity even when power's on the line, to immediately return to tom's side the second he beckons her, which is like five minutes after he becomes CEO (the job she was promised) by mattson (who gave it to tom instead of shiv because 'why get the baby lady if i can get the man who put the baby inside her?'). it makes perfect, cruel, devastating sense from a show perspective, and that's what most people are talking about, understandably. it's a devastating yet unavoidable, inevitable outcome. she's left with no other choice once she makes the decision against kendall, and patriarchy compels her to play the good wife to stay close to power. except, like... she does still have a choice. she does not have to go back to tom's car. she does not have to sit patiently waiting for him. she does not have to quietly congratulate him on his victory. she does not have to place her hand in his. these are all choices she made very voluntary. they're choices between maintaining her dignity and self-respect at the cost of future power versus maintaining the potential for future power at the cost of her dignity and self-respect -- the classic siobhan roy conundrum. she's been faced with it time and time again (even just five minutes prior with kendall) and she has never, not once, chosen the latter of her own volition. she hasn't been able to. that's her fatal flaw. maybe i could stomach her going back to tom if she didn't congratulate him, didn't place her hand in his when he expectantly held his out -- then some dignity would be preserved, maybe. but her complete and total submission for the sake of future power does not make sense with her lifelong inability to do just that. it makes sense that this would be her eventual endpoint, but we have seen nothing that implies shiv would so willingly subject herself to this feminine submission of wife and mother before person or source of power, to the complete and utter humiliation of being the quiet wife at the side of the man who knifed her in the back (and notably handed said knife by the man she thought her closest ally) in order to steal the job she fought for her entire life and, in her opinion, had earned. maybe she would come back to him eventually, for love or (more likely) for power, but it is incredibly hard to believe that shiv 'impulsive when faced with indignity' roy would be capable of immediately and publicly playing the role of the good wife after such intense and public humiliation at the hands of her husband.
really, the way i feel about the shiv ending is similar to how i feel about the daenerys ending -- unlike most people, i really wasn't that against the daenerys outcome. i thought it made a lot of sense and was interesting, devastating, and fascinating. i thought there had been a few signs all along and that that ending for her would make sense and be far more interesting than a Hooray ! Girlboss ! ending. however, it was poorly executed -- it was rushed. it did not make sense from where daenerys was at that point in the text. it could've worked, it could've worked brilliantly, but it needed more time to build and fester in order for her ultimate turn to feel earned rather than forced for the sake of the point the writers wanted to make. that's kind of how i feel about shiv. i get the ending and i don't think it's inherently bad or misogynistic or anything, but it feels like the writers saw the possibility for a shiv 'mommed' ending and immediately took it, with little regard to what actually made sense for shiv herself to do in that moment. outcome > character. that's frustrating for me particularly for succession because my like number one reason for adoring succession as much as i do is their consistent refusal to operate the way most media does (using the characters as instruments to achieve the plot/outcome the writers want), instead prioritizing following the characters themselves in a way that feels honest and real. it's character-driven, not plot or ending driven. i think that this fell by the wayside a few times in the latter half of this season simply because there was so much that needed to happen in such a short space of time (especially during the finale), but in my opinion, at least, the most egregious case is shiv. given more time, more development, more build-up, the last shot of her hand in tom's would've struck the chord the writers wanted it to -- and for some people, it did anyways! but for me, it rang out and fell nauseatingly flat. it felt hollow and wrong and unearned. shiv could end up becoming her mother, that feels entirely possible, but not in this particular sense, not yet. in what world would siobhan roy willingly choose to be seen as nothing more than a woman hanging off her husband's arm, especially when said husband had publicly humiliated her and ruined her entire life just five minutes prior? when, just five (metaphorical) minutes prior, she was the one poised to be CEO and everyone knew it? when now everyone will see her on tom's arm and whisper and gawk? she has become her worst fear, yes, but unlike kendall, it does not feel earned. it does not feel like she has actually become her worst fear. it feels like the show forced her to. not patriarchy or the situation or her own desire for power, but the show itself. that's what feels so shitty.
i wouldn't necessarily call the writing misogynistic as a result of this, as it's less a flaw of misogyny and more a flaw of bad, rushed writing that could happen to any character. it's the same as with daenerys -- although (somewhat unlike succession) there were many, many aspects of GoT's writing that were deeply misogynistic, especially in the last season (just look at fucking brienne), the core issue with the daenerys plotline is not one of misogyny but of time. they did not give daenerys the time needed to become the version of herself seen burning down the city. that could've easily been a focus of previous episodes, but it wasn't. they simply did not develop her enough for that turn to make sense yet. it could make sense, hypothetically, at some point down the line, but at that point it felt sudden, off-putting, and wrong. shiv could easily become her mother. that's been made evident especially regarding her relationship to pregnancy/children, love, and vulnerability (or the lack thereof). but for this ending to make sense, we would have needed to see signs of shiv imitating her mother's willingness to be relegated to the sidelines, to bring out the food while the men eat and make deals, in order to remain tangential to power. that is a concession shiv roy had never been willing to make prior to the last five minutes of the entire show. other signs of shiv imitating caroline or falling prey to patriarchal norms throughout the show are not enough to undo shiv's fundamental refusal to weather gender-related indignity even when doing so would benefit her. in my opinion, that's why the final five minutes of shiv's plotline were so unsatisfying.
shiv could become her mother, and her ending could be a devastating portrayal of the inability for even rich white women to escape their original sin of being a woman in a man's world, as well as a dark, ironic criticism of both women like shiv and the patriarchal world that breeds them into existence. but because the show did not develop shiv in this particular direction and because her entire character thus far has been defined by her self-destructive insistence on being respected at all costs, shiv's ending did not land the way it could've, or should've.
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yuurionviktor · 4 months
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Wanted to see if there’s consistency in the way I draw them
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campbyler · 3 months
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should have this bad boy out to you all by 10pm est 😎
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skepsiss · 6 months
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Tooth and Nail - pt3 - Steddie
Part 3/? of this fic request! The concept is Steve being the first to come out as queer and Eddie subsequently being extremely confused and questioning his sexuality because of that. In the previous parts, Eddie messed up majorly (miscommunication and idiot boy behaviour), and in the 2nd part, he had a proper breakdown over his identity with Wayne there to support him. Reading the first 2 parts will make this part more impactful.
Summary: Eddie attempts to talk to Steve about everything that has happened.
14A ish rating. TW: Lots of swearing, minor internal homophobia (he is getting better with each post), mention of discrimination / real-life danger to queer folks, mention of death (canon character death S4), mention of injury (canon Steve S3 injuries), general tension, and anxiety.
PT1 PT2 PT3 PT4
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Eddie hardly left his room in the proceeding days. He had skipped band practice which had the guys beating down his door asking if he had died. He had refused to come out and eventually Wayne had turned them away politely. 
Eddie wasn’t in the mood to talk to anybody; he'd found it difficult enough to sit alone with his thoughts let alone try and communicate what was going on in his head. It felt like all his thoughts were tangled together like a nest of cables, which would make his brain some kind of broken amp or something equally as loud. It was hard to tame it and eventually, Eddie had resigned himself to confronting Steve about the whole matter. 
Uncle Wayne’s advice had been to communicate how confused he was, but that had felt like a cop-out; he had wanted to puzzle it out himself, but there didn’t seem to be a better option. Building the courage to go to Steve’s was another matter altogether though. 
A part of Eddie wished it was miserable out; that it had been raining or dreary, foggy, or something equally as moody, but it was late summer and the weather was mild. It didn’t fit his mood and it made Eddie linger on the streets around Steve’s block. He had planned that in part so he could make sure Steve was alone, but genuinely he couldn’t really tell if Steve was there or not. It stressed him out and something told him that if Steve’s mother answered the door Eddie was going to spontaneously shunt through the earth from shame. 
It took a while, but as Eddie raised his hand to try knocking again he heard the handle on the door click. 
It took 4 cigarettes and a muttered pep-talk for Eddie to finally muster the courage to walk up the too-long path to the Harrington household. He had only been here sparingly before now and never while Steve’s parents were in town. He felt like a hooligan just stepping onto their driveway and he had no clue how Steve could even sleep in this place. It was like a photo out of a magazine: sterile and prime with no room for mistakes. None of that mattered right now, but it didn’t help Eddie’s mood at all either.
Nervously Eddie rapped on the front door and waited. He shifted uncomfortably and stuffed his hands in his pockets while looking over his shoulder as if he was committing some kind of crime by just being here. It felt like he was performing some kind of sting operation; like the police had him wired and he had to risk his life walking into a den of thieves to nark on them.
He watched Steve pull the door open and was only able to register his look of surprise before the door was shut in his face again.
“Steve, hey, uh–!” Eddie tried, moving forward to bang his hand on the door slightly, his tone desperate.
“Steve! Come on, man, I just want to talk,” Eddie explained, trying to see through the frosted glass into the front entrance.
“Go home, Eddie,” Steve said sternly from the other side of the door, “I don’t want an apology.”
Eddie sucked in a breath and closed his eyes, feeling defeated as he stood there pressed up against the wood. So, Steve wouldn’t even hear him out, huh? He had really fucked up–he knew it too, but a part of him had hoped that Steve would at least entertain him. Why would he though? Eddie hadn’t done anything to deserve forgiveness.
Eddie thunked his forehead against the door softly, lingering as he felt his throat tighten and his fingers fist against the wood. Quietly he sank down onto the ground before shifting so his back was against the door. After building himself up–after bawling his eyes out to Wayne and then half a dozen other times alone in his room–he wasn’t even going to get a chance to say his peace. He supposed Steve didn’t owe him that–didn’t owe him anything, actually, but it still sucked. 
He still didn’t hear anything on the other side of the door, so Eddie sucked in a shuttered breath and continued, hoping that at the very least he could relieve some of his own emotions here and now rather than holed up in his room again. 
Eddie tucked in on himself and closed his eyes as a bubble of deficiency rose in his chest. If this was it, then this was it and he couldn’t fuck it up any more than he already had, right? If he never spoke to Steve again he wanted to at least think he had tried.
“Steve?” Eddie asked, tipping his head back against the door again and trying to listen for any signs of movement on the other side. He couldn’t hear anything and he had no idea if Steve was even there, but he hoped he was.
“If you’re there, just listen, okay? You don’t have to say anything… you don’t have to forgive me or anything like that, but I just–I hope you can at least hear this. I know that… I know that you don’t want me to say sorry, so I won’t, or I’ll try not to, but I just… Jesus Christ, I didn’t plan this at all. I mean, I did, I came here, but I didn’t… I couldn’t figure out what to say. I don’t know what to say. I guess that’s what I came here to say, I just… don’t know. Fuck, man, that… if I could take it back I would, and I mean what I said not… what I did. It… it’s–fuck, man. Shit, this is hard–I don’t want… I just… twenty years I’ve been blissfully ignorant of being attracted to anyone but girls and now it just–I don’t know, man. I haven’t figured it out. I’m trying to figure it out, it’s just fucking… hard,” Eddie choked, his throat feeling as if it was going to close the more he tried to explain himself. Saying it all out loud felt terrible, and it sounded just as jumbled as his thoughts were, but at least his words were genuine.
“This is so messed up. It sucks what I said to you and it sucks that I felt like I had to say it, and it sucks that every fucking person in the world is shitty towards queer people. I don’t… I just, it’s fucking scary, you know? I just–it always felt like I could be… that I could use the fact that I’m this one ‘socially acceptable thing’ to be just, I don’t know, some kind of shield or something. I don’t want Will or Robin or you–or anyone having to deal with all that crap from fundamentalist yahoos thinking that being gay or whatever is a sin, or a mental disease or sick or whatever nonsense they're spouting. It just… it felt like I could… that I was able to do something about it. Like, help, or something. Make it more… accepted or normal or whatever–and not boring normal, just… real normal. Like… we’re all just people who cares what we do with our mortal coils, you know? But I’m a fucking hypocrite. I can’t… I don’t care that you’re ga–bisexual, I don’t care–well, I do care, but I don’t care that way. I care in the... because it’s you way, not in the it doesn’t matter way. I… fuck, man. I’d do anything to make sure Will didn’t have to worry about–fucking walking home from school or something, or Robin not being able to be in band or whatever shitty, stupid thing people could have a problem with. It’s the same with Mike or Dustin, or… any of my freaks, hell, I’ve thrown more than a few punches in my day, I know what getting into fights looks like, I know how to talk the game to make sure some twerp can run home in time–I, I’ve–I’ve always been doing it. It doesn’t matter to me why you’re a dork, or a nerd, or a freak, or whatever. We’re just different and it’s fucking stupid that people are scared of us because we’re different. It’s stupid. But I just… I never thought… I didn’t think I was…” Eddie couldn’t say the words as he sat sniffling on Steve’s stoop, pressed up against the doorframe with no idea whether or not he was being heard. Everything felt so heavy and it felt impossible for Steve to understand or care about anything he had to say. God, but he hoped….
“That’s why I’m a hypocrite,” Eddie laughed, the sound wet and bitter, “I’d do anything, and then I’m scared out of my mind to… acknowledge myself in all this. It shouldn’t matter, it doesn’t matter, but when it’s me? God, it’s pathetic. Like I’m some sort of exception to the rule or something. I hate it. I hate that my brain or my ego or whatever can’t just–accept it! I don’t even know what I’m trying to say anymore, I don’t know. I just… Wayne told me to come here and just tell you honestly that I don’t know. That… I guess I’m trying to figure it out, and that I’m a shitbag for doing and saying that crap to you and that… I’m fucking scared.”
Eddie went quiet as he finished speaking and looked up at the sky as a hint of red started to touch the horizon. It looked too bright and too cheerful for the way he felt, and it sucked having to sit there in silence after saying all of that. That was the thing though, wasn’t it? He didn’t come here to be forgiven–as much as he wanted it–he had come here to be honest. He didn’t know, and he didn’t know if or when he’d figure it out, but it sucked that he and Steve were having a fallout because of his ignorance. This was all just consequences for his own actions though, and he was going to have to live with that. 
No noises roused from the other side of the door and as the sky changed from reds to pinks and yellows Eddie eventually got up. He’d take the long way home and walk off the lingering feelings still squeezing around his heart. This wasn’t how he had wanted things to go, but what was he expecting?
Eddie stuffed his hands into his back pockets and loitered for a short time before stealing one last look over his shoulder at the door to Steve’s house.
“I’m going,” Eddie said as if he was speaking to someone, “I know I said I wouldn’t say it, but I am sorry.”
Eddie twisted his lips together and swiped at his cheeks to make sure there were no obvious signs of tears and then slumped his way to the curb. He didn’t look back at the house despite wanting to, despite hoping Steve was still standing on the other side of that door. The truth was he wasn’t sure if he could handle it if he looked back and there was no one there. If he watched as the sun set over an indifferent house in a posh neighbourhood he didn’t belong in. If he was forced to admit that the chapter of his life that had Steve Harrington in it was over and done with and he’d never get a chance to speak to him again…. He wasn’t sure what he would do if that was all true, and he didn’t want to tempt fate by thinking about it. If he looked, it was over, if he kept going maybe–just maybe–he could convince himself this was a pause instead of an end.
Eddie had walked around Hawkins until well after dark. He had lounged and loitered on the fringes of town and ghosted his way through back streets and quiet residential neighbourhoods until he finished his pack of smokes. It hadn’t been full when he started his walk, but it was still more than he should be smoking–a few members of the party had been nagging him to cut back recently and he supposed they had a point. It was hard though and the last few weeks hadn’t been kind to him. 
– - -
With nothing keeping him out and a mind still heavy with emotions Eddie made his way back to the trailer park with his head down and his hands stuffed under his armpits. It was starting to get chilly late at night with summer ending, but it was still too warm out to wear a jacket during the day–and Eddie was not one to think ahead to bring a coat along with him. It didn’t matter, he wasn’t going to get frostbite or anything, it just made his walk more miserable as he eventually walked into the dirty yellow light of Hawkins’ Trailer Park.
Eddie didn't look up as he pushed the flyscreen to the trailer open, keeping his concentration on his shoes as he made his way to his bedroom.
“Eddie,” Wayne said clearly and Eddie waved his hand over his shoulder, still lost in thought.
“Eddie,” Wayne repeated a bit firmer; Eddie sighed before shuffling and turning to face his uncle. He appreciated Wayne more than anyone else in the world, but he didn’t have it in him to have a conversation right now–
Did this mean that Steve had heard what he had to say? Or had he shown up on his own? Or was it that he had just heard Eddie when he first knocked and then his whole speech was lost to time?
Eddie blinked hard as he focused on what was before him–who was before him. Steve was seated on the edge of the couch, his hands clasped between his knees and his elbows resting on his thighs as he hunched forward. He was looking at Eddie who was stunned, his gaze slowly shifting towards his uncle standing in the kitchen with a coffee mug in his hands. Wayne looked bothered, or concerned perhaps, but there was a gentleness to him that suggested he was wishing for the best.
“Someone here to see you,” Wayne offered quietly before walking over to Steve’s side and placing the mug down on the TV dinner table. He walked away without saying anything else and Eddie stood rooted to the spot, not sure what to say.
The quiet of the trailer drew out between them; Steve had long since looked away and was staring across the room with an unreadable expression. He was sipping the coffee slightly and looked almost like a troubled father waiting for bad news. Eddie was just standing there. It felt like if he moved the whole scene was going to fall apart and he’d stick his foot in his mouth. Make things worse, again. 
Eddie could feel his palms sweating as he thought about having to repeat himself and dredge up those emotions again. It had taken 7 cigarettes and a 2 hour walk to settle him the first time, what would it take this time? Mercifully, Steve spoke up finally and Eddie sucked in a breath to try and settle his nerves.
“Took you a long time to get back,” Steve commented and Eddie swallowed all the subtext that sentence could imply.
“Uh, I just wanted to… clear my mind. Were you waiting long?” He asked, feeling like some kind of damsel in a prime-time soap opera or something. Were you waiting long: that sounded so dramatic and wistful. 
It was quiet for some time until they reached the edge of the trailer park and Steve led them onto the road. This stretch was well-lit, but it still made Eddie feel uneasy with the history attached to the space. He had to swallow that worry every time his feet hit the concrete here as he willfully pushed any thoughts of Fred out of his mind. 
Steve didn’t seem to like that line of questioning and he pinched his lips together which made Eddie waver. Had he pressed too hard already? Maybe he was making Steve regret waiting.
“Not too long,” Steve replied off-handedly as he put the mug down and stood up from the couch.
Enough time for Wayne to make coffee, Eddie thought with annoyance, kicking himself for not coming home right away. He watched as Steve turned properly to face him, the distance between them still feeling like leagues as Eddie stood between the kitchen and the bathroom and Steve stood near the front door.
“Let’s…” Steve started and then jammed his thumb towards the door before starting to move in that direction. He seemed awkward for the first time since Eddie had gotten home and Eddie felt that calm his own nerves slightly. It wasn’t anger so that was at least a small step forward.
“Sure, yeah,” Eddie replied quietly, waiting for Steve to step outside before following him. He caught up to Steve and glanced as they walked passed his car. He had been so distracted coming in he hadn’t even noticed the obviously out-of-place BMW parked by his trailer. They didn’t get into the car though, so Eddie stuffed his hands back in his pockets as they started walking. 
“So–”
“Did you–” Eddie started, only to stumble over his words as Steve started to talk at the same time. “Sorry, you go–”
“No, it’s alright,” Steve insisted, his tone a bit emotionless despite not being harsh.
Eddie pressed his lips together and floundered again before looking at his feet. He choked on his own words for a moment, his mouth hanging open as he tried to conjure the ability to talk.
“You… I was–earlier, I came by,” Eddie fumbled, rolling his hands in circles in front of himself while wiggling his fingers as if that would help organize his thoughts, “when I… were you there?”
His line of questioning didn’t quite make sense and Eddie sniffed to cover up his awkwardness before plowing on.
“It doesn’t matter– it’s, uh, I don’t blame you for slamming the door in my face. It, I mean, I probably would have done worse if I were you. That is, I mean, not–it’s not about me, I don’t mean it that way,” Eddie rambled, caught in something of a loop as he tried to apologize without apologizing and get on the same footing as Steve. He seemed so calm, it wasn’t fair, Eddie felt like an idiot and a jackass and he didn’t know what more he could say. He probably had to start from the beginning, and that felt daunting at best.
“I came by earlier 'cause I wanted to… I needed to, uh–”
“Eddie,” Steve spoke up finally which shut Eddie up instantly, his attention still on his own feet, “I heard you… earlier. I heard what you said before you left.”
Eddie sucked in a breath, not sure if he was feeling relief or overwhelmed as Steve’s words crashed over him. It felt like an invasion of privacy or something. Like there was a mistake and he should be ashamed or angry, but at the same time, he had said all of that because he wanted Steve to hear him. Regardless, Eddie stopped walking and stood with his nose pointed towards the ground, his emotions too big to hold in. He couldn’t move and stop himself from crying at the same time. He needed everything to stop. He needed a break or something from the onslaught–how was he supposed to remain calm when it felt like the rug was constantly being pulled out from under his feet?
Steve didn’t stop walking right away, but after moving a few paces he turned and looked at Eddie, staying quiet for the moment. It didn’t help and Eddie fisted his hands by his side as he felt tears run down his nose. He hoped his hair was long enough and it was dark enough here that Steve couldn’t see him.
“I’m really fucking sorry,” he hissed, trying to hold his emotions in and speak through gritted teeth. “I don’t know what to do, man. I just… tell me what to do to fix it. I don’t know what to do.”
Images of Steve sitting on the other side of his door while Eddie himself moped and lamented about life filtered into Eddie’s mind. How unfair it was to sit there and pour his heart out when Steve hadn’t asked for it; how he had come to his front door and refused to leave, trapping Steve in his own home practically. But the image of Steve sitting in his bone-white house with his back to the door and Eddie mirroring him still felt impossibly heartwrenching. Eddie couldn’t figure out if it was breaking him because it was the kindest thing someone had done for him or because it was the cruelest thing he had done to someone else. And now he was asking Steve to tell him what to do. Asking him while blubbering like a baby as if Steve should be responsible for his emotions now, too.
“I can’t,” Steve answered and Eddie choked as his emotions slammed into him.
As if his body couldn’t take it Eddie squatted down and buried his face in his thighs, trying desperately to keep his sobs silent. He felt desperate. There was no fixing this; it was as if he had done irreversible damage and Steve was just letting him go with one last goodbye.
The sounds of the night felt deafening to Eddie as the murmur of crickets and the distant rumble of cars filled the empty space between them. How overwhelming the peace of the night was. The sounds pressed in on him and made his body feel untethered in the worst of ways. As if he could lay down right here and make this place his grave. Die with regrets and disappear from everyone’s lives so he couldn’t do any more damage.
“I’m just…” Eddie gasped, trying not to heave like a child, “I’m so fucking scared.”
“Eddie…” Steve said sympathetically, and Eddie shook his head to the softness, wishing Steve would just stop.
“You must fucking hate me,” Eddie blubbered, his voice tinged with humour as he tried to make light of the situation–as he tried to muster the last of his bravery to at least go down with some dignity.
“I don’t hate you,” Steve replied, sounding a bit annoyed which felt contradictory, but it made Eddie pause long enough so he could swallow back the constraint in his throat, his ears prickling for more.
The confession was desperate and selfish to mutter in the moment when Steve was probably already exercising so much patience. He wanted to be reassured, he needed to know that if nothing else he could try and make things better. If he was going to live life in this terrifying new space he at least wanted to be able to do it with other people like him. He didn’t want to start from scratch again. He didn’t want to have to figure this all out by himself. He just needed a crumb, something–anything–so he could at least try to enjoy his miserable existence.
“I can’t tell you what to do because I don’t know either,” Steve continued as Eddie sniffled and tried to make himself breathe even. That was something at least. It still felt hopeless, but at least it wasn’t hate. 
“Sorry,” Eddie mumbled, swallowing the phlegm building in his throat as he tried uselessly to cover up his crying.
“I don’t think I forgive you, yet, but…” Steve said as Eddie heard his shoes scraping on the road as he moved closer.
Yet. But. That meant there was more, that meant there was a sliver of a chance he could fix things. He clung to those words as Steve approached, his heart feeling as if it was being strangled in his chest, like some sick sacrifice to the gods.
“I think I’m willing to let you make it up to me,” Steve said quietly as Eddie felt Steve crouch down in front of him. Steve touched the top of his head, the motion almost turning into a pet but stopping short as Steve just held his hand against Eddie’s crown.
Quietly–slowly–Eddie lifted his head to peer at Steve from over his knees. Steve wasn’t smiling brilliantly like the sun, and he almost didn’t resemble himself crouched in the middle of the road with yellow street lights illuminating him. He looked troubled and unsure, but Eddie swore there was care there as well. That was enough. That was okay. He’d make do with that for now–he’d make it up to Steve. 
“Stop saying that,” Steve scolded, a good-natured sound to his voice as he half ruffled and half shoved Eddie’s head before standing up.
Eddie choked a wet laugh, actually feeling himself smile lightly. The weight on his heart felt lighter, even if his bones were still heavy with regret. It felt awkward, but at least right now it felt like there was a shadow of their friendship present.
“You should get out of the middle of the road before a car hits you,” Steve said as Eddie heard him shuffle backward to the shoulder.
Eddie groaned lightly, shame plowing into him for having broken down in front of Steve like that. How fucking embarrassing. You weren’t supposed to cry in front of other guys–but if he was going to be… queer, maybe he had to stop thinking about things like that.
Eddie pulled up the hem of his shirt and covered his face with it, using it as a tissue and a shield all at once.
 
“Don’t look at me, I’m pathetic,” Eddie grouched as he got up and stumbled to the side of the road. He continued to hold the fabric to his face, but let himself peak out of the corner of his shirt, his bangs mostly covering his eyes still.
“I’ve seen worse,” Steve offered with a bit of a huff, “try puking your guts out in a public washroom with a broken nose and your eye swollen shut.”
Eddie huffed, and looked to the side, still not sure how to respond to Steve when he brought up the past like that. He didn’t know all the details of the summer of 1985, but the pieces he had gathered were wild at best and absolutely bat-fucking-insane at worst.
“How’d you see it if your eye was swollen shut?” Eddie asked indignantly, only to flinch hard as Steve smacked his bare stomach.
Eddie grunted from the mild pain and stumbled backward slightly until his feet hit grass. The hit hadn’t hurt badly, and honestly, it had been more of a shock than anything, but it was a friendly ‘bro’ gesture. Eddie wasn’t all that used to that sort of thing–it was so jock–but it was friendly so he didn’t have the mind to complain.
“Shut up, would you? Or I’ll properly give you a five-star,” Steve replied, his tone obviously teasing.
Eddie huffed and wiped the last of his snot and tears onto his shirt before dropping it back down.
“A five-star, really? What are we? Fourteen?” Eddie asked, hunching a bit but falling into step beside Steve again.
“With the company you keep, I’d say that’s accurate.”
“The company I keep?” Eddie scoffed, sounding more offended than he actually was. Eddie hustled a bit to get in front of Steve, walking backward a few paces in front of him so he could point at Steve.
“They were your’s before I was even in the picture,” Eddie scolded, unable to help the hint of a smile breaking onto his face. This was good, this felt so much better than whatever the last 2 weeks had been. This felt almost like it had before all this nonsense. 
“You’re doing a terrible job of proving that you’re sorry,” Steve quipped and Eddie snapped his mouth shut, feeling the lightness fade quickly. He swallowed thickly and Steve must have noticed because he was waving his hand dismissively while keeping pace with Eddie still.
“I’m teasing,” Steve clarified, “too soon.”
Eddie pressed his lips together and turned to start walking beside Steve again, his head hanging down a bit.
“Yeah, but you deserve to get at least one in,” Eddie replied, feeling a smidge better knowing that there wasn’t any weight behind Steve’s comment. He didn’t feel like he could begrudge him, and Steve deserved at least one cheap shot.
They grew quiet after that, but it wasn’t oppressive like it was before and the awkwardness only touched the edges of the moment as they walked back to Hawkins’ Trailer Park. It was a comfortable silence and one that felt vaguely familiar to how things used to be between the two of them after the Upside Down. It wasn’t perfect–God, was it far from perfect–but Eddie could honestly say he felt good occupying that space. Everything had been so messy and even without the clearest path forward they were at least talking. He’d try–he’d try hard to make it up to Steve and prove that his misstep had been just that: A misstep. He still didn’t know what this meant for him and the prospect of facing that felt as if something was looming behind him even as they walked across the empty asphalt. But, he was at least looking at it now. This feeling, this fear, of discovering a more genuine version of himself. Just this hulking beast standing behind him, demanding and formidable, but less intimidating than it had been. He was unsure, but the sentimental notion of “family” felt like it was filtering into the space around them too. It was less ghastly, less perilous, and daunting to look at with someone else beside him. 
“Alright, yeah, see you at Wheeler’s,” Eddie confirmed, offering an awkward smile as Steve nodded and got into his car. 
Eddie bumped his shoulder into Steve’s as they approached the trailer, not looking up at him as he felt the exhaustion of the last 14 days catching up to him.
“Thanks for coming by,” Eddie said quietly, stepping up the trailer stairs before half turning to look at Steve who was stationed by his car.
“Yeah,” Steve answered, both of their uncertainty on how to communicate their emotions obvious. “I’ll see you… at Nancy’s going away party. College party, thing.”
Pt4
It wasn’t the best of goodbyes but as Steve’s car rumbled to life and Eddie finished climbing the steps into the trailer he couldn’t help but smile at how genuine their parting had been. It was awkward, but it also felt kind of perfect: no pressure to perform, no dredging up emotions or guilting one another, it was just them. Just honest and authentic with no hope for anything more than to fix whatever was here between the two of them.
Once a freak, always a freak. It just felt good to not be going at it alone anymore.
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