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mirbisduschoen · 1 year

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I know I'm late to the party, but RE: Village AU where

instead of Lord Donna of House Beneviento being the Lord with lots of experience in making children's puppets, it's Lord James of House Henson.

Yes, I do mean THAT Jim Henson.

Lord Henson's heart is in the right place, cadou be damned, and he's even got a hidden cave full of village children he saved from his new "siblings" and "mother", who he refers to as his "audience". Even when he's got an eldritch mushroom hivemind whispering things in his brain, he can't help but be at least a little wholesome.

Some of the things happening in that section of the game are the same, except for the fact that the newly Cadou-infected Lord Henson is somewhat less successful at being creepy than his canon counterpart. The elevator lights flicker creepily and come back on to reveal...Beaker with a marker halfway through writing "Welcome, Ethan". He turns around to see Ethan staring and "MEEP"s loudly before scampering off through a hidden door in the elevator.

On the other hand, entering the creepy area with the fog, trees, and hanging puppets made the the jumpscare by the Fire Gang from "Labyrinth" leaping out from among the trees way scarier than it should have been, but the menace had mostly gone when the hanging puppets started singing the chorus. (The Wild Gang did try to remove his limbs though, like in the movie, and Ethan was very surprised to find his head can come off without killing him, which led him to believe Mia wasn't telling the whole truth to him.)

Instead of Angie being the psycho doll, it's the (somewhat dilapidated) original Skeksi puppets from "The Dark Crystal". All ten of them, acting like children. (They are technically cousins to the Dimetrescu girls.)

Unlike canon, this section of the game DID have a deathtrap, but the deathtrap was Kermit doing his "Mystery Box" game with the caveat that failure to correctly guess the object would lead to a trapdoor in the floor opening onto...a dunk tank. Ethan stressed himself out about the game, thinking he'd die if he got it wrong, fucked up, and was very confused to be left soaking wet but completely OK.

Edit: The Skeksis aren't the ones you need to worry about. If you ever visit Lord Henson, Wilkins will offer you some godawful instant coffee while insisting it's the greatest thing on Earth. DO NOT show any signs of displeasure at being served instant bean water that's been sitting around collecting mildew and mold since the 50s.

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king-k-ripple · 2 years

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popculturebuffet · 1 year

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Monthly Muppets: The Deranged Glory of Willkins and Wontkins (Patreon Review for Emma Fici)

Welcome back all you happy muppets and a bit of a schedule change as Follow that Bird's been bumped to march, though as a compensation next week you'll be getting TWO bits of monthyl muppet madness. For those just joining us welcome to monthly muppets where I look at muppety madness monthly and thankfully today's replacement is something i've been wanting to talk about since Emma brought it to my attention in the first place. It's also what was pre internet a pretty obscure part of Jim Henson's history: back in college, Jim was still finding his love of puppetry and one way to hone his craft and get some dough, something I can relate to given this is a comission and all, was to do adds. Wilkins Coffee, a now defunct coffee company, asked for some.. and the results were deranged magic that were so succesful it lead to tie in "hand muppets", over 50 skits and work that despite being decades old and only 10 seconds long held up so well it became popular again. So what are the wilkins coffee ads? Well like a lot of muppet concepts their simple but a lot to unpack: Wlikins, a cheery muppet usually offers wontkins, his gloomy red (though you can't see it in the ads as their black and white) victim a cup of Wilkins Coffee or brings it up. When Wontkins says he dosen't like it... and wilkins gets.. violent. Here's one of the more notable examples

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Yeah and if you think him wiping blood off his blade after presumingly running a man through for not liking wilkins is just a one off, I did my due dillgence and recorded EVERYTHING that happens to poor wontkins over the course of 15 minutes worth of wilkins coffee ads.. over the course of the ones I watched, almost the complete filmography the following was inflicted on this poor muppet:

Wontkins got Blasted with A Canon, shot by some dude offscreen,hit by a club ran over by a bandwagon, blinked out of existiance, dynamited with TNT, threatned with a guiltoine, attacked by an evil dead tree, caked in the face and had hot coffee poured over him, beaned with a hammer, tarred and feathered, shot by an illicit coffee peddling wilkins, pelted with eggs, kicked out of a tree, stabbed to death with a fencing saber with Wilkins having to wipe the blood off, Wilkins making the washington monument fall on him with Telekinesis, hit up for 65 dollars, blown up along with his house!, attacked by a vengeful mr wlikins godlike powers, got his television blown up by wilkins who can apparently appear inside tvs, GIVEN THE ELECTRIC CHAIR, sawed to death with a giant supervillian Buzzsaw, clubbed three times till he spread the word of wilkins, stepped on by mr. wilkins, eaten by a giant fish that was subbing for a whale, shoved off a giant brick wall to his death, told he won't be paid till they sell more wlikins, hammered in some sort of torture machine, given some… weird box, nearly got knives thrown at him blind, nearly ran over by wild horses, married Wilkins, shot in the dick by a cowboy wilkins, drowned in a swimming pool of wilkins coffee, given tiny birds, had the price jacked up, boiled to death in a coffee of wilkins to be eaten by racist sterotypes, conked by a steel can of wilkins, scared by ghosts, given a malfunctioning parachute for a sight gag, thrown out of a hot air ballon, exploded or possibly shot again by wlikins pretending to be a fortune teller, stabbed, forced to be a reindeer, shoved out of a plane, shot with an arrow, shot out of a cannon, clubbed with a giant ball, had a bottle of ginger ale broken over his hair, had the pool of water for a hive dive moved dying by concussion, given a strike in baseball that shockingly wasn't a literal strike, lifted into the air and dropped by a vengeful god, shoved into the sea to uncertain doom, stamped with a checkmark for later extermination, shot AGAIN this time for democracy, clanged inside a bell, tortured with another hammer machine, had it implied his throat was slit, LITERALLY BRANDED WITH AN X, dropped down a sewer, eaten raw coffee, scared by a headless wilkins, RAN OVER BY A STEAMROLLER, left to rot in a tower. dropped off a mountain to his demise, sprayed by a water canon and implied he needs to be brainwashed, lifted up to his death by the hand of fate, had Wilkins cause an auto accident using his car to prove a point, got shot in the face with a camera, punched by a boxing glove, and dropped out of a plane via barrel roll

Just to tabulate all that I looked over those and followed James A Janeses kill count rules, counting how many times Wilkins defintely died from whatever wonkins did, even if we didn't see it, along with my own touch of every time he got assaulted.

So Wilkins got killed a total of TWENTY FIVE TIMES, and with a combind runtime of 14:58, that lead to a kill on average every 1.79 minutes. and he was assaulted about 20 which dosen't get a runtime for this bit. So you'd think this was a bit too cruel to work... and you'd be wrong. Yeah while obviously it's horrifying as it is hilarious that Wontkins suffered this much abuse it's done quickly and is so over the top, so disprortinate, so cruel.. ti's comedy GOLD. It's a delight to see just what horrible shit Wilkins does yet and honestly the ones where he tortures wontkins are always funnier than the ones with just some sort of sight gag for the most part. Jim Henson was a master of physical comedy and these shorts are some of his best. It's also worth remembering a LOT of muppets humor is built on slapstick cruetly and the trick is it dosen't pile on too much or has the targets be nondiscript enoguh for it to work. I do feel deeply sad for wontkins, but we don't see his pain linger enough for it to last and he's fine next short ready to get pummled, stabbed, shoved to his death or put in some torture device. and the sheer lengths Wilkins goes to are just sadistic. Would I want to hang out with Wlikins? Fuck no, wilkins coffee no longer exists and while he shilled for other brands I can't guarantee he's not rightly locked up in some deep muppet vault for muppet kind's own saftey and won't ask me for wilkins just to murder me and then ironically weekend at burnies my corpse as his own muppet.

But these adds are simple sharp and funny. Henson clearly plays both using a proto-kermit voice (though Kermit already existed by then, if not in his final form) for wilkins and something similar to Rowlf's eventual voice for wontkins. The results are just great. They do offer some logistics such as did Wlikins build a wagon, elaborate torture amchines and several buisnessses just to torment wontkins? The answer.. is probably yes and just adds to it. The fact he goes to lengths and commits enough crimes to get him put away for several life sentences just over coffee is the charm. I may not have nearly as much to say as I thought.. but I encourage you to seek these ads out and watch them.. and watch out for wilkins. If you see him lurking outside your house hide, call the police and for the love of god just offer him what cofffe you have and lie it's wilkins if you value your own life. Thanks for reading. Next month, we're doing some more early henson as it's the muppet show YAYYYY.. specifically the PILOTS: the muppet valentine's show and the muppets: sex and violence. See you later this week.

#the muppet show #jim henson #wilkins #wontkins #wilkins and wontkins #wilkins coffee #Youtube

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gifs-of-puppets · 1 year

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Wilkins Coffe Commericals (1957-1961)

#the muppets #wilkins and wontkins #wilkins coffee #commercial #vintage commercial #circus #high dive #jim henson #muppet #muppets #gif #muppet gif #muppets gif #gifs of puppets

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jacksquatjb · 5 months

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Episode four of The Unkle Krampus Puppet Show is up now! It's an homage to one of Jim Henson's early projects!

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#Krampus#UnkleKrampus#Krampusnacht#Christmas#Puppetry#Puppets#JimHenson#Muppets#WilkinsCoffeeMuppet History

#krampus #unkle krampus #krampusnacht #christmas #puppets #puppetry #jim henson #wilkins coffee #muppets #Youtube

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autisticsupervillain · 8 months

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It's Fictional Throwdown Friday!

This Week's Fighters....

Wilkins vs Alucard!

Conditions:

Alucard starts in Level 7 and does not have access to Schrodinger.

Scenario:

Alucard is sent to investigate a series of disappearances at a nearby coffee shop, with Hellsing suspecting vampire activity. Wilkins greets him from atop a pile of corpses and offers him a Wilkins Coffee. Alucard refuses in favor of his blood and Wilkins tires to kill him.

Analysis: Alucard

Vampires. Some of the oldest monsters dreamed up by mankind. Ever since Bram Stroker's classical novel, we've seen numerous iterations of his iconic vampire king. None, however, can claim to be as deadly or as terrifying as Alucard, the undying enforcer of Hellsing.

Vlad Dracula was born as a tormented slave, spending most of his life being horrifically abused by his masters. When God refused to answer his prayers for mercy, Dracula decided to take life into his own hands. Becoming a vicious warlord, Vlad would impale countless thousands in his campaign to conquer all of his enemies, earning the moniker Vlad the Impaler. As he was to be executed, Vlad drank some blood off the grounds of the battlefield, forsaking his humanity and becoming an undead monster of the night.

Count Dracula's reign seemed unending, but eventually his bloody crusade was brought to heel by vampire hunter Abraham Van Hellsing. Respecting the level of strength and resolve that brought him to herl, Dracula swore loyalty to the Hellsing family name, becoming Alucard, the undying enforcer of the Hellsing Organization. A monster who hunts other monsters.

Alucard is quite easily the strongest vampire in the world. Alucard has killed thousands of monsters and millions of people over the course of his hundreds of years of undeath, not helped by Hellsing running experiments on him to make him even stronger. Even by the standards of his series, Alucard is less a vampire or moreso a vampire shaped Lovecraftian nightmare, and the most damning evidence of that is in his shapeshifting.

While Alucard does possess organs like a human does, he's in actuality made of a shadow-like substance that he can morph into any shape he desires. He can freely change his clothes, age, gender, and even sprout extra limbs. And if he encouters a particularly tough or tasty looking foe, he can shapeshift a giant dog monster out of his body, lovingly named Baskerville, to devour his prey whole and alive, keeping their mind, body, and soul trapped inside him forever.

What's more, while regular vampire can regenerate from getting shot to pieces, Alucard's is on a whole nother level. Decapitation, dismemberment, getting shredded with lead, or getting cut clean in half, Alucard comes back from it all. This is because Alucard has something his fellow vampires don't.... the souls of millions of his victims wriggling around inside him. Alucard has personally drank the blood of over 2 million people over the course of his life, absorbing their souls and memories in the process. Whenever Alucard takes a blow that would otherwise kill him, he uses up one of these souls to heal him from whatever did him harm. As such, Alucard in most fights just stands their with a shit eating grin while his opponents helplessly tear into him. He'll grow back whatever you do to him and your souls will replenish his stock just fine when you're done.

Don't think that this means he can't rip into straight back. Alucard carries two massive handcanons longer than the average man's forearm, the .454 Casull and the Jackel, powerful enough to blast any vampire to pieces, while the silver bullets helpfully keep them from regenerating. He's a crack shot with them too, as with his Third Eye ability, he can enhance his senses to the point where he can hit bullseyes a kilometer away and see through any illusions you might cast to distract him. And if you're too far away for even that, Alucard can drag you back into range with telekinesis, which is powerful enough to lift an aircraft carrier out of the ocean and bring him the blood of everyone in London for him to drink. That's right, he drank London.

To compare Alucard to the standard vampire, Zorin Blitz and her armada of cannon fodder vampires once survived an airship crash equivalent to 47 tons of tnt, walking out of the wreckage unscathed. And she's no more powerful than the vampires Alucard slaughters every day.

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Another vampire, Rip Van Winkle, can shoot bullets that can knock Blackbirds out of the sky, moving at Mach 38 to do so. Alucard caught one of her bullets with his teeth.

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Obviously, this awe inspiring power needs to be controlled. As such, Alucard operates under 6 restriction levels. Levels 6 through 4 are for decimating your average, everyday vampires. 3 through 1 are when he starts getting serious, breaking out Baskerville, growing wings, and tearing you to shreds with multiple limbs. He even breaks out the powers he doesn't use that often, casting illusions to deceive his enemies.

Level 0 is for when he wants to end the world.

Upon activating Level 0, Alucard unleashes all of the souls in his arsenal as a sea of blood soaked zombie warriors to destroy everything in their path. If any of those souls happen to have powers, such as the aforementioned Rip Van Winkle, than the get to use them in his name, a true member of the Count's army.

However, while Alucard is at his strongest in this form, it's also his most vulnerable state. Nanely, he can't regenerate from fatal wounds anymore. If one were to destroy his heart in this form, Alucard will die permanently. The man has admitted it himself.

Moreover, Alucard is supremely overconfident, to the point where he often just sits their laughing his ass of as he's torn to shreds. This overconfidence was once exploited by Schrodinger, a, um, Nazi German catboy who exists everywhere simultaneously. That was a sentence.

See, Schrodinger cannot die so long as he can recognize his own existence, as he is simultaneously alive and dead at all times. But, when Alucard inadvertently ate Schrodinger's soul, Schrodinger wasn't able to recognize himself anymore in the sea of souls within Alucard's body, causing Schrodinger, and Alucard by extension, to cease to exist.

Alucard, however, still lived. Even when reduced to absolutely nothing, Alucard was still aware. So, he simply spent the next 30 years killing all the millions of souls inside of him so he could return home to his master's side, undoing his own non-existence and gaining Schrodinger's powers in the process.

The fact that Alucard could survive and kill his other souls even while not existing, implies that even erasing Alucard's entire body entirely might not be enough to bypass his regeneration. If Schrodinger's powers weren't actively keeping him nonexistent, Alucard may be able to come back under his own power from being erased entirely.

Alucard's one true weakness is his longing for death. His biggest dream is that one day, a worthy human warrior will come to end his undeath for good. But, until then, he'll keep slaughtering monsters in his master's name. So, be weary all you who stalk the night, for when Alucard hears your screams, all Hell shall Sing.

Analysis: Wilkins

Jim Henson. One of the greatest artists of our time and indisputably one of the greatest puppeteers to ever live. Before he begain to raise entire generations on Sesame Street and took over the stage with The Muppets, Jim worked in advertising, where he was responsible for the creation of a far more sinister figure.

Wilkins and Wontkins were design to sell, well, Wilkins coffee and as far as puppets go, they’d be far more at home on Sex and Violence than on Sesame Street. Wilkins is a violent sadist who brutally tortures and murders his partner Wontkins for not buying his product, using his supernatural powers and various talents to constantly find new ways to do so. Wilkins is a gifted, sadistic intelligence capable in many fields, coordinated enough to control planes, hot air balloons, and submarines, intelligent enough to build complex machines, and skilled enough to become a sport fencer and fight in World War 2. Wilkins uses these talents in conjunction with his powers to make sure you buy Wilkins Coffee... or else.

Wilkins is strong enough to sink a ship with one hit, durable enough to tank a space ship explosion, and fast enough to dodge fire from a tommy gun, the bullets of whichcan move at speeds up to 285 meters per second. He's constantly powerful enough to beat, stab, and throw Wontkins to his death, who in turn is durable enough to survive the Washington Monument falling in top of him. 81,120,000 kilograms falling from a height of 169.249 meters like that would hit with a kinetic energy of 32 tons of TNT!

And that's by himself, Wilkins comes equipped a wide variety of hammers, guns, and bombs, half of the latter two can completely vaporize Wontkins in one shot. And with his magic, Wilkins can see the future, survive decapitation, telekinetically ragdoll Wontkins, erase people from existence, and even see and talk to ghosts. He can summon nearly anything to aide him jn his torment, from a stampede of horses, to maneating shadow monsters, to even a giant killer whale. He can even summon the CEO to remove his enemy from the plot if the commercial by "firing" them, or summon the hand of fate itself to completely remove you from existence.

Wilkins may predate Jim Henson's most iconic characters, but that makes him no less zany than them. And no less dangerous than them either.

Throwdown Theme:

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Throwdown Breakdown:

Well, this is a weird one.

Alucard is easily fast enough to effortlessly dodge anything Wilkins throws out and speed blitz him completely... but he likely won't. Alucard is smug and sadistic and it's against his character to actually dodge anything unless he knows it can counter his healing factor. Which is a problem, as anything that can get past Alucard's healing factor would kill him in one shot here.

As powerful as Wilkins guns, cannons, and bombs are, Alucard can heal from that. He can arguably even heal from being poofed from existence depending on how you interpret the whole Schrodinger thing. But the hand of fate is pretty solidly beyond him. Other summons are a distraction at most, so the question here is will Wilkins use the hand of fate in time?

Because Alucard's guns can likely rip Wilkins to shreds. As they can rip apart people in the level of tanking 46 tons of TNT, and Wilkins is somewhere above 32. Given how much damage they do, Wilkins being able to survive decapitation likely wouldn't be enough to survive a sustained barrage. So he's only got one shot at this.

This is a quick draw... and I don't see Wilkins likely pulling the gun he needs. In all of the commercials that still exist today with Wilkins in them, he's summoned the hand of fate exactly once. He's gotten the CEO directly involved roughly five times and erased someone only three. Out of all the dozens of commercials he's been in. The rest are all bludgeonings, stabbings, or summons Alucard can easily best. Outside of the two, maybe three, things he can do to win instantly, Wilkins best bet is that his other summons would get Alucard pumped up to fight more things, leaving him to goad Wilkins into summoning something stronger. At which point, Wilkins uses the hand of fate to make him go poof.

Outside of those options, the rest of Wilkins roulette wheel of equally in character options would leave Alucard woefully unimpressed, prompting the vampire to blow him away without a second thought. Wilkins telekinesis is much weaker than Alucard's, so nothing there, and the rest he can just heal through.

The ironic thing about this being a quick draw contest is that the winner is never going to realize how big a threat the loser was for him. If Wilkins wins, he'd go on likely not realizing Alucard was a monster of any kind at all. And when Alucard wins, he's going to walk away huffing at this being a waste of his time.

This Throwdown's Winner is...

Alucard!

#fictional throwdown fridays #hellsing #alucard #wilkins #wilkins coffee

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