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#will probably delete tomorrow morning when I wake up

secretlyunlikelycartoonist · 2 years

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I just feel like the world is ending. Like, there’s so much we need to fight for, and such a limited amount of time in which to do it, and watching edict after edict come down destroying more and more human rights makes me feel completely helpless. Like there is nothing I can do to avert the impending apocalypse. And the people around me are rolling their eyes at my concerns and telling me it will all blow over like my community isn’t going to die before the rest of humanity gets wiped out in total cataclysm

#listen #I’m going to delete this post tomorrow when I wake up #but #how do you function in the face of the end of the world?#how do you get up in the morning #and keep going to work and helping people #knowing that in the end nothing you do matters and the people you’re trying so hard to assist are probably going to be gone soon too #I just feel so hopeless

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tfmybody · 8 months

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The first thing I'd do

When Chris posted this he probably didn't mean it literally. It was just some engagement bait. I saw it as an invitation, why think about it hypothetically when I could test it for real.

So when I went to bed last night I set the Chronivac to swap me and Chris Brumstead during the night. I then scheduled an email to send tomorrow morning with the Chronivac attached to it from a burner email to Chris's public email. I didn't want to lose the Chronivac after swapping and I definitely didn't want Chris to find it in my body. So I deleted the copy on my computer and went to bed.

The next morning everything had worked as planned. I woke up staring at a ceiling that wasn't mine wrapped in bed sheets I'd never seen before. I pull the sheets off and see a body covered in muscles I could only dream of having. I jump out of bed and run right to the mirror across the room. I watch as I flex each muscles, examining them carefully as they tense and move. I run my hands over my new abs and squeeze my new pecs. I slowly stroke the new tattoo on my forearm and then start rubbing my face, feeling my new jaw line and beard. By this point I was rock hard and there was only one thing left to do. I jerked off right there to my reflection in the mirror.

By now I'd already found out what the first thing I'd do when I woke up in Chris' body would be. But it felt like a waste to go back right away. So I put on a tank and shorts and headed to the gym. I didn't really know what to do, I cursed myself that I should have made some mental changes with the Chronivac before I left. But all the same no one was going to question me at the gym, they'd just assume I was trying something different.

Three hours later I finally felt like I'd had enough time in the gym. I thought about giving Chris his body back, but decided it might be fun to find out what the first thing I'd do waking up in this body tomorrow morning would be. I might test it for quite a few more mornings.

#tfmybody #bodyswap #tf

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satancopilotsmytardis · 2 months

Note

Oh? Do you have an example of those thirst/pining texts?

Tomura: I am going to kill myself

Spinner: It's 6:43 in the morning what the fuck could he have done this time that's got you contemplating death and waking me up?

Spinner: If you tell me you had a dream or something I'm gonna stab you myself and you won't have to worry about suicide.

Tomura: I went down to the gym to train, and I heard water and saw a lot of steam coming out of the locker room. Went in and heard the showers running but all the lights were off. I figured someone might have forgotten to turn them off or something and he was just. In the shower. Fully clothed, drenched, leaning back against the tiles.

Tomura: He was so hot the steam was all coming from /him/. His eyes were practically glowing.

Spinner: and I'm sure that his soaking wet white t-shirt had nothing to do with your current thirst.

Tomura: No, that was definitely a contributing factor. Have you seen his chest?

Tomura: Also you owe me ¥2000, his nipples ARE pierced. He said he was going back out to train. He didn't even dry off because he's evaporating the water. I have to kill myself because if I go back out there and have to watch him train dripping wet I'm going to do something else stupid.

Spinner: at this point I am literally begging you to just go out and ask him to fuck. I cannot deal with this shit anymore. Just fucking rip off the band-aid dude.

Tomura: ....

Tomura: you're right

Spinner: wait, shit, really???

...

Spinner: I DO NOT want details, but did you actually fuck???

Spinner: Seriously, Shig, it's been like 4 hours and no one has seen either of you all day????

Tomura: We didn't fuck.

Tomura: I went out to talk to him and barely got a word out before he collapsed. We're with Ujiko. Dabi apparently is suffering from mild heat stroke, exhaustion, and dehydration. He's on an IV and got a mild sedative to sleep. I'll text the others about the meeting, but we probably won't be back until later tonight or tomorrow.

Spinner: shit, yeah, okay. I hope he feels better soon

Spinner: he works too hard, you both do. You know that the rest of us are here to help if you guys just loosen up a bit, yeah?

Tomura: I know, thank you.

Tomura: He is very cute when he sleeps tho

[Tomura has sent a picture]

Spinner: no, nope, I know you're in love with him but that it some creepy shit dude, even for villains

[Tomura has deleted a picture]

Spinner: it's also creepy if you sit at his bedside and watch him sleep all day.

Tomura: from what I understand, it's very normal for friends and family to stay by someone's side if they're in the hospital. Since he won't tell us about himself, we're the closest thing he has as far as we know. I'm staying

Spinner: Creep

Tomura: I've been called worse

#tanco speaks #ask #asks #shigadabi #flash fanfic

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woooyeahbaby · 1 year

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Genshin men when you fall asleep during a movie

characters: alhaitham, itto, diluc, thoma (u can comment or something if u want a part 2 with other characters!)

warnings: fluff, swearing (literally just once, it says shit in itto’s), gender neutral reader (at least i tried my best to), not really a warning but the genshin dudes all picked a movie (alhaitham chose a documentary, itto chose a comedy, diluc chose action, and thoma chose a romance), reader lays on diluc but it isn’t supposed to be sexual

wc: ~1k

Alhaitham

he didn’t expect you to be particularly interested in the movie he put on, considering it was a documentary. but he didn’t necessarily expect you to fall asleep. not meaning he was upset, just a little shocked.

alhaitham would carefully try to wake you up by moving around on the couch a little, hoping the movement would get you up. when that failed, he resorted to clearing his throat. no? well..

he’d pause the documentary, picking you up from the couch because he couldn’t imagine it being comfortable to sleep on. alhaitham would carry you to bed, gently getting you under the covers so you’re nice and cozy.

what will he do with the documentary? he’ll turn it off, saving the rest for later, possibly for himself considering you didn’t seem to like it much. in the morning, he’ll tease you about how you fell asleep, and he might jokingly act angry, but he definitely isn’t. he actually found it pretty cute, but he won’t admit it.

Diluc

he’s definitely confused as to how you fell asleep during an action movie. usually when he picked them out for you two to watch you’d barely blink. he does consider it was a little late, so you were probably just tired, and doesn’t take it to heart.

unlike alhaitham, he doesn’t bother trying to wake you up. he cares that you’re getting your rest. instead, he moves you to a more comfortable position on the couch, perhaps he’ll lean you against his shoulder or let your head rest in his lap, just so you aren’t uncomfortable when you awaken.

what about the movie? oh, he’s finishing it by himself. yeah, he realizes you most likely weren’t bored by it, but he’s far too invested now. maybe you can finish it another time.

after the movie, he’ll turn off the tv (or just put something else on if you prefer sleeping with noise in the background) and lie on the couch with you, resting your body on his with your head on his chest. if you fall off of him in your sleep, he’ll apologize profusely and get you to your bed.

Itto

itto is definitely the type to constantly be talking during the movie, and he isn’t very quiet about it either, so when he realizes you’re asleep, it’s a huge surprise. he feels kind of bad, he isn’t upset with you, no, not at all! he just thinks you fell asleep because he didn’t pick a good movie. maybe you don’t like comedy? should he have picked the other one?

..time to ask!

he’d frantically grab your arm, shaking you awake. it scares the shit out of you, but when he’s smiling, it relieves you a bit.

“hey, hey, did you not like the movie! i can pick another! wait, no, you can pick!” he places the remote in your hand before you can even process his words. it’s cute, but you’re so tired.

you explain that you were just sleepy, and he understands. he tells you that you guys can watch the movie — or another one if you actually didn’t like the previous one — tomorrow and goes to bed with you. (somehow, even though you were the tired one, he’s in bed before you.)

Thoma

it takes him a while to realize you were asleep because he was so invested. by a while, i mean a good thirty minutes. the only way he realized you’d fallen asleep was when he went to look at you when the main character finally kissed their love interest, expecting you to be looking at him with the same excitement he had.

..but you were sleeping. which didn’t bother him! he found it really adorable, in fact. maybe he took a few pictures (that he’ll never tell you about because you’ll tell him to delete them, but he thinks you look too cute to get rid of them) before pausing the movie.

thoma will carefully wake you up, whispering some pet names (or just your name if pet names make you uncomfortable) until your eyes open. he’ll place his hand on your cheek, telling you that you fell asleep watching the movie, and he’ll ask if you’d like to go to bed.

when you say yes, he’ll go to your bedroom with you, helping you settle into bed. he’d get in the covers with you, but first he has a few chores before he can properly relax.

#genshin impact fanfics #genshin impact #diluc x reader #itto x reader #thoma x reader #alhaitham #alhaitham x reader #genshin impact headcanons

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moonsapprentice · 6 months

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AAA i love your writing so much!! there needs to be more eddsworld x readers, the tag is dying TT_TT

could i request a tord x reader where reader comforts him after a long day? i love tord so muchchchch

⋆ ✶ ✷ 𝔊𝔞𝔲𝔷𝔢 ✷ ✶ ⋆

Rubbing your dreary eyes, you stare at your awfully quiet boyfriend. He randomly came home at three am all beaten and bruised. Your foot taps on the cold floor as you stand there in your pajamas.

He’s brushing his teeth, acting like nothing is wrong. Your teeth tug at your bottom lip as you glance at his bloodied knuckles

“…you can’t keep doing this.”

You murmur, taking his free hand and examining his wound. It’s only one of many. Obviously none are fatal, but there’s so many. Scratches, bruises, gashes. Tord pauses, looking a little remorseful. He hates seeing you worried. He spits out the minty paste and glances at you.

“…sorry.”

He almost whispers. With a sigh, you kiss his hand, where it isn’t injured obviously. You reach up and grab the small med-kit you keep on your bathroom counter.

“Go sit.”

You motion towards the bedroom as you gather whatever you might need to patch him up, still incredibly groggy. With a nod, Tord sits on the bed with a sigh. His feet feel sore, he generally just looks very tired. You kneel infront of him. A frown quirks on your lips as you notice a bruise forming under his eye

“…how’d this happen to you…?”

You ask, Tord hates seeing that look on your face. That worried, tired look. It makes him feel like an ass.

“It’s nothing. Just…business. It’s better if you don’t know”

He mutters, averting his eyes. You huff but don’t push him. You’re both too exhausted. Taking some ointment, you dab a cotton ball on his bruise. His breath hitches and he instinctively grabs your shoulder. You don’t think it’ll do anything, but you put a bandaid on it too for good measure.

Tord sighs. He wishes he didn’t accidentally wake you. He wants you to get your sleep but there’s no way in hell you’d go back to sleep without taking care of him. As you peel his hoodie off of him and toss it into the hamper, you can see injuries littered up his arms. Thankfully, most of them are bruises. That doesn’t stop you from shooting a disappointed look at him though. He finds a sudden interest in the floor.

You decide to treat his knuckles first. Taking Tord’s hand, you dab some disinfectant onto the wound. His breath hitches again

“…sorry. But I can’t just leave it as it is.”

You say with a small frown. Once it’s all wrapped up you do the same on the other side. Then all the way up his arms, treating every bruise. There’s probably more bruises under his shirt, but Tord looks like he’s about to pass out. He nodded off about a million times as you were helping him. You stand up with a sigh and throw away the tons of cotton balls you used, then just leave the med-kit on the floor. You can put it away in the morning.

Tord is already under the covers, holding his arms out. With the day he’s had his body is practically begging for him to hold you. As you approach, he grabs your arm and drags you into the bed. His strong arms wrap around you so tightly it almost hurts, and his head nuzzles into your neck. He breathes in your scent, the stress of the day washing out of his body.

A small smile tugs at his lips as you ruffle his hair

“Don’t worry me like that again. If you’re gonna stay out and get all beat up, at least shoot me a text.”

Tord nods, his lips pecking your neck lovingly

“…mhm…okay…’m sorry. It won’t happen again”

He whispers, his hot breath on your neck sending shivers down your spine. Tord tightens his hold on you and kisses your neck again. With a chuckle you kiss his forehead.

He drifts off to sleep, his mind full of you. He’s going to try to wake up before you tomorrow. He’s gonna make breakfast as an apology for stressing you out.

Me when I delete a whole one shot and start over again 😁😁 I love tord oh my god

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mackjlee9 · 10 months

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Leon Kennedy x Afab!Reader

Author note; this is just something I wrote in ten minutes to maybe change the same thing that happens in fanfiction. You'll probably understand what I mean when you read. Oh! Reader has no pronouns bcz I was writing this with me in mind, but they're still referred to as "woman" by others. Probably won't finish this, just got to write a bit and I got bored lol.

I'll probably delete this later idk

Resident Evil

When one of your family members invited you to their wedding at the beach, your first thought was just... Make up an excuse so you didn't have to go. But then you thought...

Hey, free food!

However, this family member of yours expected you to bring a partner with you, and you only had one option. Your best friend, Leon.

You just texted him asking if he wanted to go to the wedding with you, and he was like, "Free food? Hell yeah," and laughing about how similar you two were you went to bed, feeling somehow at ease that you were gonna have someone to go to this useless wedding you didn't even wanna go in the first place. At least, you will have a feast.

//////

The car ride wasn't exactly long, you were one of the few that lived somehow close to this relative of yours, so it was only like a five-hour drive to the hotel. Being one of the first people there, you got the key to your room and went upstairs, followed by Leon who was still drowsy and sleepy from his nap in the car. No way in hell you were gonna let that man drive.

Thankfully for both of you, your hotel room actually had two twin-size beds, so no awkward "oh no, there's only one bed" trope that happened... Way too often in the stories you read.

Now, you just had to wait until noon when the wedding would start and then the afterparty in the evening, the overnight stay, and then bye-bye by tomorrow morning. So, while you waited you took a nap while listening to some music, letting Leon roam around the room as much as he liked.

A few hours later, you're woken up by a rather rough shove to your shoulder, and you end up tangling yourself with the cable of your headphones, hearing the distant laugh of Leon's laugh.

"The wedding's gonna start, you have to get ready," you huffed and sat up, rubbing your eyes and yawning as you stood up, stumbling to the bathroom while you're still trying to open your eyes, "Don't fall-" right before Leon could finish his warning, you tripped with the backpack you just tossed without a care, somehow managing to catch yourself before you fell and successfully waking yourself up with that little scare, "I'm not gonna say anything, I'm gonna jinx it- just get ready."

Leon added with a chuckle and you walked into the bathroom, closing the door behind you.

Without much care, you took a shower and wrapped your body in a towel, shaking the excess water from your hair, and you realized you didn't bring clothes with you.

Sighing, you prepared your lungs, "Leon!" The blond man just groaned in response, "Could you hand me my bag?"

You just heard the sound of the bed squeaking under his weight before the quiet sounds of his footsteps got close to the door, a few knocks on the wood letting you know Leon was right there.

"Thank you! What would I do without you?!" You exclaimed dramatically, opening the door enough to fetch your bag.

Leon just sighed, a smirk on his face, and went back to sit on the bed, watching tv while he waited for you.

You looked around your bag, grabbing a black sports bra and a black boxer to put on your body. All the time you avoided looking in the mirror, because otherwise you were gonna worry about your body... And you hated that. You didn't come here to look pretty.

You came here for the free food. And that is it. Well... Maybe the alcohol too. You were probably gonna be the only "female-bodied" person not wearing a stupid sundress. Nothing against them, but there's other clothing in the world to wear to the beach.

Ugh, the beach. The main reason why you didn't wanna come all the way here, if there was something you hated, was the fucking beach. But meh, you were already here so might as well.

You put on a tank top, a zip-up hoodie, and black jeans, deciding if you should wear your Converse or boots... Decisions, decisions~.

You walked out of the bathroom and you heard Leon snort, making you look at him with a raised eyebrow.

"Something funny, Kennedy?" You definitely sounded like a teacher but you didn't care, you were trying not to smile as you saw him holding his laugh back.

"You're gonna attend a wedding... Dressed like that? Damn, that's why you're my best friend." You looked down at yourself, not really seeing anything wrong with what you were wearing... Maybe a sweater would look better rather than a hoodie... No! It's the beach! And it's warm outside! It'll be fine.

"Well, you don't look too dressed up either, Mr.Scott," and now you were using the middle name. Sometimes Leon wondered how he met someone so funny and kind like you, you were one of a kind, no doubt about that, "Anygay- we should go now."

//////

Walking out to the beach was already exhausting, more so mentally than physically. You could already see your cousins and aunts talking amongst each other, other ladies that you didn't recognize so you guessed they were your relatives' friends. You walked closer enough to get their attention and you instantly heard the teen girls sneaker when they saw you.

Oh~ here we go~ little insecure girls that try and make others feel bad about their appearance just to feel better about themselves...

You were already hating being here and you haven't even talked to anyone yet. You would rather keep it that way but-!

Your annoying aunt was coming your way. That annoying aunt that does not know what personal space means and loves to gossip about everyone's lives.

Thankfully, they hadn't seen Leon yet, he had to go back to the car to get his sunglasses.

You frowned as you watched your aunt approach you, rolling your eyes and keeping your hands in your pockets when she hugged you.

"Oh my~ look at you, you're such a beautiful lady now! You've grown to be a gorgeous woman, sweetie," there comes the expression of disgust, what part if you was a "beautiful lady" and/or "gorgeous woman"? Did she not see how you were dressed?

Your hair was still wet, no makeup on, no painted nails, and dressed as if you were going to the store and just put clothes over your pajamas... You definitely weren't the lady she claimed you were. And you liked that, otherwise she was gonna start with the-

"And~? Did you get a boyfriend yet?" -There it is.

You sighed and walked past her, heading to one of the empty tables at the back, but she held your arm and dragged you to the table she was sitting at. Well, at least you could see the buffet from where you were.

"I don't have a boyfriend, aunt," the giggling on the teenagers came back and you were so pissed. You would actually leave the next time they do that.

"But- you said you had a partner," you looked at her as if it was obvious.

"Yeah, for this," you nodded your head toward the empty altar, "I'm not interested in dating."

With that, your aunt frowned, perplexed at your words.

"You would never have kids with that attitude, miss, you have to settle down someday," oh, well now she was getting on your nerves.

You turned toward her with your jaw clenched and a fake smile on your face. You were about to tell her off when you felt a hand on your shoulder.

"Sorry I took so long, had to help an old lady cross the street," you looked back and up, Leon making a good job at blocking the sun from your eyes.

"About time," you said with fake sarcasm, making him let out a fake laugh and nudging you a bit, "Well," you stood up from the table and grabbed Leon's wrist, "We're gonna go to our seats now."

You didn't miss the way every woman, young or old, stared at Leon when he made himself known to them, and when you sat down on the table at the back, you could feel glares on the back of your head, making you feel rather uncomfortable.

"Damn, I hate it here," you groaned, feeling the heat of the sun on your skin, making you sweat. At least you had the shadow of a three for now.

#leon kennedy x reader #re x reader #resident evil leon #leon s kennedy x reader #leon kennedy #leon s kennedy #x reader #afab!reader #uh... just whatever

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imaginidol · 9 months

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Sehun: Sundays and Lemonades

Lazy Sundays were the best Sundays.

You walked into your room with a tall mason jar of cherry lemonade, a refreshing drink to set the tone of the incoming afternoon. You place the mug on your nightstand and reach to unplug your phone, plunging yourself into your bed with great ease.

But you didn’t even enjoy a full ten minutes of mindlessly scrolling through Instagram when you notice a new DM request pop up in your notification bar.

“Who’s this?” you mutter, opening the message.

Your heart freezes.

It is a DM from a celebrity, a very well known celebrity at that fact, who had responded to a story of a breakfast plate photo you’d shared earlier that morning.

“Sehun…EXO?”

You try talking yourself into waking up from a cruel dream, but after many arm pinches and several attempts at washing your face with cold water in the sink, you realized that the interaction was very much real.

You creep back to your bed and open the DM, reading over his message again.

[New DM: yummy! 😋]

It wasn’t much, but it was still very much an interaction.

You look back to your stories to see if anything else was new, and you almost fling your phone across the room when you realize the boy had actually left a like on a story selfie that came just before your breakfast post.

“Is this real? Is this boy… real? This has to be a scam. What the—”

You realize you have three options.

Never respond. Ever.

Actually, maybe even delete it.

…respond. Why not?

A fourth option was to post about it, but you realized that wouldn’t do him any good. It would probably cause a heap of unwanted attention and scandals in your own life and probably even his, and you honestly weren’t up for any external interruptions into your otherwise peaceful life. You didn’t even follow him, and he most definitely did not follow you. Also, what if his intention was to… genuinely reach out and be friendly?

I think I’m gonna respond. What could happen?

You decide to keep it short and sweet, just as he did.

[Me: it was so good!! u should try! 😆]

You waited for a few minutes for a reply, but eventually none came.

It’s a scam. A very well thought-out scam. I’m being scammed, I just know it, you thought, reaching over to drink some of your lemonade.

You decide to turn your attention to your television, curiously deciding to watch EXO videos on YouTube to get a jist of what he was like.

Ten minutes into the video, you hear your phone ping again, and you immediately scramble to it without hesitation. And sure enough, the mysterious boy had answered.

[New DM: ☺️ let’s go?]

The DM’s were short and to the point. You were still a bit skeptical as you watched the boy dancing on your television, turning back to your phone and contemplating whether it really was the same boy who was messaging you at this particular moment.

[Me: u want to?? 😄😊]

[New DM: 🤔]

[New DM: 🤫🫣]

You giggle, realizing he was saying many things with such little emojis.

[Me: wanna be friends? 🤫]

[New DM: that’s not risky? 🥴]

[Me: i can keep a secret ☺️]

[New DM: :) tomorrow?]

You giggle at the secret life that would soon ensue.

It could be fun, it was very risky, and you’d make sure to keep your distance until… until you felt safe.

Suddenly, a dawning thought occurred to you.

What if… he’s just a normal person, just like me.

You look back from your phone to the television where the videos had auto-played to a reality show starring the boy and his group.

He definitely was an average person, just like you.

And you were an ordinary person, just like him.

Your pictures ended up on his explore page, just as anyone else’s could.

He thought you were cute and looked through your page, just as anyone crushing on a person might do.

He’d swiped up quietly, not knowing where it would lead, just like anyone intrigued would.

And you followed suit, contemplating whether giving this new potential friendship a shot could be just as any ordinarily sane human interaction would play out.

Regardless of the millions of cameras that surrounded him his whole life, he was still just another person,

just like you.

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beatificwrites · 1 year

Text

—your girlfriend wants to be mine

pairing: Javier Peña x fem!reader

requested by anon!! srry this took forever! a/n: so, i accidentally deleted the request but tried to write most of what I remembered and also took my own spin!

word count: 1.9k

content: cheating, office flirting, narcos spoilers, cursing

summary: you work with Javi and catch feelings, even tho you’re taken

Life as a DEA agent in Colombia had its ups and downs, mostly its downs, but having Steve and Javi as your partners helped make it tolerable. When you almost wanted to give up, they were there to remind you why you were added onto the chase in the first place.

Your boyfriend, of course, used to offer you emotional support but lately, things haven't been the same. You've gotten so caught up in work, you couldn't catch a break. And it didn't help that he was also a workaholic.

With that being said, you two barely see each other.

You were at the office, overlooking some of the files from last night. Steve said he would stay behind and look at them, but you offered instead because you knew he had Connie and Olivia to get home to.

Javi also offered to stay, and you both ended up pulling an all-nighter or at least an attempted one before you fell asleep three hours in.

You woke up on your desk and immediately got back to work before realizing it was already morning.

"Javi, did we even get anything done?!" you asked exasperatedly.

"Yes, relax, I looked through a few when you fell asleep." he replied nonchalantly as he sipped his morning coffee.

"And you didn't think to wake me up?" you huffed, annoyed.

"I didn't wanna disturb the princessa’s beauty sleep." he smirked.

You rolled your eyes at the nickname, closed the folders, and put them away your bottom cabinet.

"Don't call me that, cabron."

"Woah, wait! I'm the cabron for letting you get some sleep?" he feigned offense.

“Just shut up!” you couldn’t take it if he called you anything else.

Javi just smiled and went back to his desk to look over stuff. The man was completely smitten by you. Not that you knew though, you were oblivious to the coy remarks he’d let slip.

He wasn’t looking to try anything; he knew you had someone else.

But, whenever you got up to do something, you noticed how his eyes always followed you. Or, when you two and Steve were talking, how his arms or hands would brush over yours. How he always opened doors for you and made sure you got home safely.

He cared for you, that was obvious. But you thought of him as good friend and partner.

You had gotten used to the lighthearted flirting between you two. It was all fun and games, nothing serious right?

On second thought, you were starting to feel some sort of internal conflict. At first, you could admit Javi was an attractive guy. It stopped there though; you weren’t interested of course.

With time, not only did you look forward to work because you wanted to catch that fucker, Escobar, you looked forward to seeing him too.

It all felt so wrong, how could you get excited to see another man? No, you had to shut those feelings down. You had to push them away as far as you could.

Even so, you cared deeply about the man you were with. You could not love both.

You didn’t want to think about him like that, he’s your friend and an amazing partner. You should only see him that way. Plus, it’s unfair to your boyfriend and you know Javi’s one to sleep around; it’s how he gets his intel.

When the workday was over, you packed your bag and made sure you left nothing behind on your desk. Steve and Javi were going to check out a lead from a call they had received earlier, Steve suggested you go home this time.

“You sure I shouldn’t come along?” you asked again.

“We’ll be fine, you look like you could use some sleep.” Steve assured you.

“Yeah, take this night off. Busy day tomorrow.” Javi added.

With that, you went home to an empty apartment. It had been a while since you last came home this early. You thought you could probably cook dinner for you guys tonight.

You released a tired sigh as you kicked your boots off and hung your purse. As you were about to walk into the kitchen, you heard a woman laughing along with an inaudible male voice.

You froze in place, trying to figure out if it was actually him or someone else. Her voice sounded too young to be the old lady next door.

The sound was quickly nearing, the footsteps too. Yeah, it was him.

You could hear the jingle of his keys and him trying to get in. You panicked, decided to hide last minute behind the kitchen island. It faced the door sideways; he wouldn’t be able to see you.

“You sure she won’t be home soon? What if she comes in out of nowhere?” the woman spoke.

Her voice sounded familiar, had to be someone from the office of course.

“No, she always works late. Sometimes doesn’t even come home."

You mentally rolled your eyes. So, this is what he does...

What could you have expected, you're always busy with work. How could you focus on this relationship? It was bound to happen but to go find some other woman? Without manning up and ending things with you first?

You stood up furiously and watched as he became aware of your presence.

He didn't even look ashamed, like he had an explanation on hand.

"Do you have nothing to say for yourself? Huh?" you shouted in anger.

"It's not like you're ever here anyway! I got tired of your shit and found myself a real woman." He spat with his hand on the other woman's waist.

You bit your tongue before you could ask what exactly constitutes as a real woman in his eyes because you knew this wasn't about her. It was about this douchebag.

"Well, good for you." you clapped sarcastically.

"Here," you stomped up to him and threw the keys at his face.

"The place is yours and I hope this real woman can pay most of the bills because let's face it, you don't make jack."

He held the other woman closer and sneered at you.

You left knowing his machismo pride was secretly hurt, no way he was making good pay at that corporate job.

You also left without the sadness hitting you, but it did once you hopped into the car and started driving to Steve's place. You knew Connie would let you stay the night; she's that understanding.

You tried to convince yourself it was fine. Things were better this way. There was no time to focus on a boyfriend when you had to a criminal.

Over the course of the next few days, your attitude at work hadn't been the best and Javi could see that.

"Everything alright, chiquita?" he asked with his brow raised.

You shook your head and chuckled at the nickname.

"I'm fine, Javier." you attempted to give a convincing smile.

"No Javi? Okay, seriously, what's wrong?" he asked once again, leaned against his desk with his arms crossed.

"I broke up with Norman, okay?" you sighed.

"I thought I would feel way better than this considering the bastard cheated on me but I kind of mess having someone." you were honest and gave a sad smile this time.

Javi was hollering in his head; no other good news could top this! The man was ecstatic. You were finally a free woman that could be his, if he'd ever be man enough to confess.

"I'm sorry to hear that." he said with an appreciated amount of sincereness.

From that point onward, work had been all over the place with the Medellín cartel making headlines for their attacks once again.

Fortunately, for you guys though, Blackie was caught and brought in for Steve and Javi to interrogate. This lead straight to getting intel on La Quica, and for that there had to be a celebration.

While Javier had offered to go for drinks, the ambassador announced a dinner party to celebrate.

You had to admit, formal gatherings such as those dinners had always made you nervous, especially now since you had no plus one.

You decided to go nonetheless and went dress shopping with Connie. You picked out a nice silk dress and knew you were going to make one hell of a show with it.

You were right, the woman Norman took home that night did work in the office. She was a receptionist so you knew she had to be invited and would probably bring him along.

Even if you convinced yourself, you were done caring about Norman, you still wanted to show him how good you looked. Make him feel regret in some way.

It had reached dusk and the nightlife in Colombia was alive, however you weren't partying at any club tonight. The dinner was being held at some luxury hotel that had taken the Taxi driver way too long to reach.

Security was high of course and you were let in once you showed your office ID.

Chatter was everywhere and you could feel a few stares as you walked into the huge space.

It's a shock you couldn't feel Javi's gaze, how his eyes could not peel themselves off your figure. He thought you looked absolutely ravishing.

You found your way to the bar where the gang was and greeted Connie with a hug and kiss on the cheek before doing the same to Steve and then, Javi.

He was speechless, you were too beautiful.

He leaned into the bar and ordered, "two margaritas, please."

"A la orden, señor!" yes, sir!

He turned back to you and had to stop himself from gawking. Had to play it cool.

"You look gorgeous, as usual." he gave you that smirk.

Your heart fluttered a bit. Now you were free to feel what you felt for Javi all this time, God, he was handsome.

You realized he was actually wearing a suit and not just jeans with a biker jacket. Now, this was a sight to see.

The thought made you giggle and made him wonder what you found to be so funny.

"What're you laughing at? This not cute enough for you?" he furrowed his brows.

You laughed again, "No, you look pretty cute. Pretty sexy actually." you flirted, feeling a sudden wave of boldness.

He let out a chuckle and then the bartender slid the margaritas.

Javi watched as you took a few sips, he took in your form and your perfumed scent. You were only a couple inches apart and both struggling to maintain composure in each other's presence.

Even though he was experienced, it's only so often he falls in love with someone like you.

After one too many drinks, you two conversed and engaged in flirtatious combat for most of the night, never losing eye contact. However, you did once you looked over and meet eyes with your ex.

He was chatting with a group of men and women at a round booth, had his girl on his lap.

You quickly looked back at Javi and grabbed him by the collar. You wanted this; you knew he wanted this too.

You smashed your lips against his and gave him the most beguiling kiss a man could ask for; it was fiery and impatient. You longed for this.

"Fuck, hermosa." he cursed before pressing against you and giving you an even hungrier kiss.

He held you closer by placing a hand on your lower back and the other brushing over your exposed back. You grinned into the kiss and wrapped your arms around his neck.

"Let's get out of here." you said breathlessly.

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blueberry-beanie · 6 months

Text

Visiting Munich & Die Anstalt

8th October - 10th October 2023

A very, very long story about my first ever visit to Munich to see my favourite satire show Die Anstalt. Features long walks through the city, museum visits, Schloss Nymphenburg and its huge garden and a tale about being in the show's audience and meeting Claus. Many photos included. Bonus anxiety and Deutsche Bahn content. The text was written while I was still in Munich or on my way home.

Saturday, 7th Oct 2023: Packing and Heart Attacks

To say that I've been looking forward to going to Munich doesn't quite cut it. When I was still in school years ago, I used to joke that I'd move to Munich, just because it was so far away. I've actually never visited or even passed by - until today. And now the city feels just a bit more special because of the reason for my visit: I'm going to be in the live audience of one of my favourite satire shows, Die Anstalt. But that will be tomorrow. Before I can tell anything about today, I should probably mention what was going on yesterday, though.

Yesterday I posted a drawing of one of the hosts of Die Anstalt, Claus von Wagner. I was really nervous about it because I thought it's not good enough or maybe I'm really bothering him. On top of that I wrote quite a heartfelt caption and was anxious about that the whole time. Good thing I finished all important tasks before posting, because afterwards I was too nervous about everything: The drawing, the journey, the unknown city and of course going to the show. I barely started packing my bag and didn't eat for the whole day when I suddenly got a notification about a new message.

Needless to say my heart dropped and I actually didn't know what to do and sat down on the carpet. And yes, he shared my story and cheekily attached a little timer until the next show. I temporarily forgot how selecting emotions works and felt everything at once. N and I then later discussed why there was no like on the actual post (there wasn't one the last time either), when suddenly he also liked the post half an hour after he shared the story. I didn't care that this whole thing had only a handful of notes, he liked it and that's all the joy I needed.

Sunday, 8th Oct 2023: First Time In Munich

Unfortunately I had a bit too many emotions and it all got quite late - so it was difficult for me to actually wake up today morning. It definitely got better when I was greeted by Claus' very dorky "go vote" Instagram post. Later I discovered that he deleted yesterday's story in favour of election day. Hm, interesting. But I guess it's valid considering the important and serious topic of today's election in Hessen and Bayern.

The train journey started with buckets of rain, my new cleaned & repaired backpack and actually no problems at all until I got into the actual train to Munich. It turned out that seating reservations being displayed in the train was optional today. So I tried to be a decent person and just let the happy couple sit on my seat and went to find another seemingly unoccupied seat next to some guy. Unfortunately it later turned out to be occupied - so I had to go and get my own reserved seat. The train was very full so the strategy of sitting down somewhere else didn't work out anymore. I had a rather unfortunate conversation with the woman in my seat and felt quite bad afterwards. On the plus side, I had dug out an one hour long talk about childhood books with Claus yesterday and so I had the best time listening to this in the train. He's very nerdy and lovely and it was so entertaining to hear about his childhood adventures, teachers, hometown and about how he reads books occasionally with a Merkel voice to his daughter.

When the train finally arrived in München Hauptbahnhof it was an odd feeling to step outside. Like it has been a long time coming until I would finally arrive here. My first impression of Munich wasn't the best. The train station looked old and was being renovated. I stepped outside to look for the vegan restaurant I had saved in my plans, only to get lost in a rather spooky part of town and stand in front of closed doors. So I decided since it was already almost 2pm that I could go and check into the hostel nearby. That proved no problem and I relaxed for a bit in a rather nice five-bed room with a window into the inner courtyard. Knowing that it's not that easy to find food in Germany on Sundays, I ate some of the food I brought with me and then set out for a walk.

First I went to the old botanical garden, which was quite small, crowded with a group of cyclists and police with dogs and overall not very nice. Then I saw the first interesting building that turned out to be Landgericht München. From there I walked into the direction of the obelisk of king Ludwig I. I had an one-euro-ticket for the Alte Pinakothek, an art museum, so that's where I went. Somehow they are very strict there. No jacket, no hand bag, wear your bracelet and don't dare coming close to the paintings (which are already protected by glass). So I got stopped by a guard at some point, which has never happened to me before. Oops. But on the plus side I saw some cool art, for example the self portrait of Dürer, some cool Dutch portraiture, Manet, a little bit of Caspar David Friedrich (though Hamburg has a much bigger collection) and even the old friend Canaletto, whose paintings are always so recognisable, was there. Also they had quite some stuff by Rubens, Delacroix and even a few paintings by Van Gogh.

I didn't spend a lot of time there though and started walking into the direction of Odeonsplatz. Partly because there is the garden of the Residenz palace, but also because there has been this huge demonstration on the 4th October where both Max and Claus participated. I thought it would be fun to visit the place that I've seen many photos and videos of. Upon arrival I immediately understood how 35.000 people fit there - it's massive. The gardens nearby were small but beautiful, with a round Diana Temple in the middle. A lovely lady played the violin in there and gave the garden such a peaceful vibe.

Where to go next? I decided to visit the park near the Maximilianeum, where the Bavarian parliament is situated. So I walked past the huge impressive building of the Bayerische Staatskanzlei with it's huge wings of glass. Then I walked past two impressive buildings belonging to the government of Oberbayern and the museum of five continents towards a bridge over the river Isar. Unlike rivers in north Germany this one is very clear, which is probably because its proximity to the mountains the rocky ground.

The Maximilianeum is a big round building just by the river and I felt more and more as if Bavaria is truly its own little country because of all these monumental buildings. The park was very lovely, but I couldn't explore it fully because it was getting late and my feet were starting to protest along with my shoulders. So I turned around to cross the river at the Friedensengel statue and go back into the direction of Odeonsplatz. On my way I passed by more museums and theatres until I arrived at the tiny park behind the Staatskanzlei and crossed the palace garden again.

At the Odeonsplatz I took a turn into the Theatinerstraße. Suddenly there were many people. It's the center of Munich with fancy restaurants, bars and shops. I walked past the famous Frauenkirche and into the direction of Karlsplatz. Looking at all the people eating and drinking outside in the restaurants I realised I had almost no food at the hostel. So I looked for an affordable place where I could get something quickly and ended up eating a bit of noodles with tofu and veggies at the Karlsplatz. From there it was thankfully only a short trip back to the hostel, during which I listened to a voice message from my school friend Christina (the one I visited in Halle two weeks ago) who wished me lots of fun at Die Anstalt tomorrow.

At the hostel I was greeted by the most annoying shower ever (it turns itself off after ten seconds each time) and fell into bed. The other women in the room weren't very talkative and warned me that they'd get up at 4:30am and 6am respectively. Amazing then, I thought, and fell asleep like a stone at around 10pm. That was a good idea, because the night was loud and restless, but I slept through most of it and woke up in the morning refreshed and ready to go.

Monday, 9th Oct 2023: Palaces and Recreation

Today I woke up at around seven and stayed in bed comfortably until my roommates were done with everything. I got myself ready, ate the last of the food I brought with me and headed out to Schloss Nymphenburg via Tram line 17. It was easy to find and the tram took me right to the palace. Now I've seen some cool palaces in Vienna and London, but this one is truly impressive. It's so wide and the road leading up to it has a canal with huge fishes and some ducks. It's a white building with two huge wings, each of them with a clock tower.

Inside it was a bit awkward at first because there weren't many visitors at half past nine on a monday morning, and it felt like there were more security guards than visitors. The very first room is immediately the most breathtaking: a huge hall with the most beautiful ceiling and so many ornaments on the walls. The sense of wonder I felt while looking at all the extravagance was constantly accompanied by uneasiness. The amount of wealth needed to build this exceeds my imagination.

How could anyone live in such a house? How were the people like who lived in such circumstances? How many people had to be exploited to achieve this kind of wealth? I think it's very useful to keep these magnificent places for future generations to enjoy and maybe use for some art and culture but that doesn't mean their existence sits entirely right with me.

The part of the palace that is publicly open is thankfully not as huge as the palace itself. So after a short while I walked out into the gardens. And if the interior was impressive, the accompanying park is what truly made my day. It is so huge that you can forget you are in a city at all. Its size and the forest and field part reminded me a lot of Hampstead Heath in London, but the massive canal with the fountains in the middle is definitely more like the gardens I saw in Vienna, just even bigger.

The fun thing about this park is that it's publicly accessible, so people go on walks in groups or go for a run alone, go birdwatching or take their dog out. If you have a ticket like me though, you are allowed into the smaller buildings in the park. As if the massive main palace wasn't big enough, they also had smaller little summer houses there. The first I visited was inspired by Chinese art and adorned with porcelain tiles.

Then I walked past cascading waterfalls over a bridge to the temple of Apollo, which is set so beautifully at the pond among the trees. Honestly, the whole time I wished I had a horse to ride around in the park since that is clearly what it was meant for. I walked past a beautiful little fountain with a statue of Pan towards the Badenburg. This little house had a huge swimming pool inside that you can look at from a gallery, absolutely insane. I can't imagine how all of this was like when it was still used as it was intended. From there I saw the garden of the little princes with a hut that looks as if it will grow chicken's feet any minute and turn around.

One of the highlights came in the end: The Marstallmuseum with the carriages, sleighs and everything else that belonged to the royal mews, including two taxidermied horses. I've never seen so many carriages of such colossal and eye-wateringly extravagant quality in one place and I'm wondering how anyone would drive around in these at all. The sleighs looked more like pieces of art than vehicles and the saddles and bits were all so ornamented and beautiful. As a horse-girl I'd be scared to ride on one of these. But please send me my fave horsey Püppi for a turn in the park, thank you.

When the visit was over it was already half past twelve and I was starving. So I went back to the center and got lost in the absolute maze of the U-Bahn underneath the central station until I finally found the right one that took me two stations further to a vegan Döner place, where I had some lasagna. A good opportunity to buy some groceries (and getting lost once again, I have a talent) before going back to the hostel because my feet were killing me.

Overall I'm starting to get the appeal of this city. I'm sure there are many beautiful places to visit here. I like it much more than Berlin so far and I think if I stayed longer I'd get to know many more cool areas. Too bad that this doesn't matter much, because Munich is the most expensive German city. It's near impossible to find anything here even if you wanted to. Looking at how adventurous it is to get a place in Berlin or Hamburg already… no. But I'd definitely love to visit more often to get to know the place better. Now I'm resting in the hostel and slowly getting very nervous becaur it's almost Monday evening. The Monday evening of all evenings I've waited for during these last five months. It's time to visit Die Anstalt.

Monday, 9th Oct 2023: Die Anstalt

I didn't get too much rest because at around half past four the levels of anxiety had risen to such amounts that I jumped up and went for a very short and hectic walk. Then it was already time to get myself ready. I hid the three fancy chocolate bars I had brought from my university town in my handbag inside a black piece of fabric. This way nobody would see them when checking my bag. I didn't believe I would have the opportunity to hand out any chocolate to anyone, but I'll be damned not to try. Since I already can't bring cake to the studio. (There is a very old interview with Claus in which he talks about loving all kinds of cake "If there was cake on the table right now I'd be eating it and I wouldn't be talking to you. Where is the cake? Cake!") Then it was time to leave for the U-Bahn line 1. I was so nervous that even hours after everything would hurt from being tensed up. At some point I had to change to Tram line 25 in the direction of Grünwald, where the Bavaria Film Studios are situated. As expected, it's a rather fancy part of town with big houses and neat gardens. When we arrived at the studios, there were some more visitors heading in the same direction and I had a short talk with two people who also didn't quite know where to go. Thankfully the Anstalt team had set up signs with arrows leading us around the entire fenced off area to the very back. There some friendly people greeted us and directed us to the right building - studio six which I already knew the look of from several past episodes.

And we were not alone! Already a crowd had assembled outside the entrance tent. I didn't linger outside, although I saw today's guests, the duo Das Geld liegt auf der Fensterbank, Marie standing there. Instead I went inside to the queue that was very small still. I left my coat at the cloakroom they set up there and now it was time to wait a bit. After a while a big guy with a grey beard, who actually reminded me of someone I've seen at Die Anstalt, humorously asked us who was here for the first time and explained to leave all jackets here because it's warm inside and to use the restrooms now because there are none in the studio. Then he said, "Alright, let me check if Max and Claus are ready and then we can start." Shortly after we had a security check and were let inside.

The studio looked smaller and bigger than on TV at the same time. There were some chairs, but they were all reserved for special guests, as was the 2nd row behind us. So the two couples who queued next to me sat on both of my sides. The woman to my left quickly started a conversation with me about the show and her daughter who studies something like graphic 3D design and about all sorts of things. We figured out that she and her husband had been watching the show for many years and she was surprised I only started this year - and still seemed to know about all the lore. She even remembered the interview of Claus when he went hiking in the mountains with some guy - an interview I know exists but could never listen to because it's no longer online. We got excited about the little details on the set with a living room area, a court room and - of course! - a whiteboard hidden in the left corner. The reserved seats were filled in the last moment by late arrivals and by people from the back - and then it all started.

The following part I translated, because I wrote it down the same evening in German:

Claus was the first to enter the stage before everything started. He appeared to greet us and to raise our mood a bit. He did... not look too amazing - and that was on purpose. Today he was, as the woman next to me said later, a slimy AfD-politician in a bad suit and with a horrible hair style. But he was there and it was really him. It felt surreal to suddenly see him talking and gesturing, making jokes just in front of me. The same voice, the same smile. I was fascinated by the very fact he was suddenly at the same place as me and cursed the TV-cameras that sometimes obscured our view.

He started asking about who came from Munich and who ("that's the more interesting question!") came from the furthest place. Someone actually travelled all the way from Schleswig-Holstein and they got well-deserved applause. Then he started retelling the old joke about Munich being too clean and the Rats visiting the P1 instead. And the story about the parcel shop he already told at the demonstration. Apparently the joke ended with "Please nobody tell him about Deutsche Bahn, or they will want to overthrow the country." Suddenly Max appeared to a lot of applause - because he wore a Greek philosopher costume with a ridiculous wig and beard today and made us guess what it meant. Correct - it was an allegory for Democracy. He also retold his joke from the Demonstration about why not housing refugees in the palaces and private jets of the rich.

They were telling us about how the show would go. There would be two cuts ("Then we have a bit more time to change. We used to be live-live before the pandemic and only had one minute. That was a battle backstage, believe me. And since some of us are already a bit older...", Claus said, leaning on Max and grinning.) Claus also urged us to turn off our phones, not just mute them "but really truly turning them off". Of course I did that, too. And the people in front of the court practiced to get up when the judge would arrive and were praised for their services. In the end they started to introduce the guests. Das Geld liegt auf der Fensterbank, Marie (a duo "The money is on the windowsill, Marie") who had a long dialogue what annoyed him about her (so she can do it more often in the future). They also introduced Judith Richter ("We didn't just invite her because of her name!" Richter meaning judge in German) and Matthias Renger, who was there for the first time. At some point later Max said something about Claus' dance moves being horrible. Of course the dancer in question had to demonstrate a few moves, which was hillarious.

Then they prepared to start filming the episode. Everyone settled in the living room set and Claus held this stereotypical slate for all the cameras ("The director makes me do that every time and it never works out so well... That's unsettling to have all these cameras on me at once") and talked to the director . And then the scene started. Claus played the right wing AfD-politician Maximilian Krah, an absolute asshole. A disgusting guy who keeps hitting on everyone around him and lounges on the sofa like he owns the entire country. And drinks champagne. And hits Max straight into the eye. I really flinched, because the loud hitting sound effect and the sudden motion surprised me. Also that's not something you would ever expect from Claus.

Both of them are great actors. Neither of them read their text from the screens or had a problem remembering something. Claus was being brilliantly horrible in his role. I don't think I've ever seen him act like a complete villain in this way, it was unsettling. During the scene at the court he constantly kept making suggestive comments to the judge and it was sometimes difficult to look at all of this. Please stop talking man, who are you, this is all horrible and I didn't think I'd have to hear such words from your mouth!

Then he played the overtired Robert Habeck, first falling asleep on the sofa and then kneeling on the carpet with toy bricks. Did someone conceptualise this episode just so I'm alternating between staring, laughing and not being able to look at all of this? In the end they even had a whiteboard scene (of which I sadly didn't see much bc of the damn camera being in my way). There were two breaks indeed for poor Max to change his costume. He played Merz in one of the court scenes and it's so funny how he can resemble him and imitate all of his mannerisms and the voice so well. In the longer break they showed an excerpt from 2016 in which the AfD was a rather unpleasant and murderous baby in its crib. In the end they called on the audience to sign an online petition about making the Federal Institutional Court review a legal ban of the AfD. And then the episode was already over: "Das war die Anstalt!"

Claus immediately tried messing up his horrible hairstyle as if he really didn't want to resemble that despicable AfD-politician in the slightest. But that wasn't the end of the story. First they bowed and had to come out two more times because we didn't stop clapping and cheering. And then a few apprehensive minutes passed. Would they come out once more? And there they were, both of them. And Max even walked straight up to us with a determined face. He was looking for friends and family in the second row behind us. He did not care much for anyone else, and it appeared he was somehow looking for his daughter? This is how I got to see Max up close, but not talk to him. Therefore I couldn't give him the chocolate. But over there, on the stage, there was Claus. And I knew I had to go there right now, otherwise he may disappear and I won't sleep in peace for the next few months. So I parted with my seat neighbours and shyly went up to the stage. At first he was talking to a woman and then it was time for him to join the others for a group photo on the sofa. That was a whole show by itself. He sat on the backrest and firstly made funny and happy faces, then tried being serious and in the end attempted his most seductive look. That wasn't enough, because he leaned forward too much at some point that he slipped down onto the seat behind the others. Everyone started laughing as he had to get back up on his feet again. Sometimes he's really like a little kid. Some of the visitors were actually taking photos with their phones and then disappeared. So after the photo most of the audience had already gone.

But as the photo opportunity was over, Claus got up and walked to the left of the stage towards the backstage exit. I was scared that he would disappear in front of my eyes. But a woman came to the rescue and asked him for a photo. I just stood nearby and listened to the conversation about the show and about the AfD. They were discussing whether the courts could really be filled with right-wing judges and they also talked about the ban of NPD not working out years ago.

It was fascinating to listen to this, because of how knowledgeable he is and how he considers several view points in his arguments. About some things he admitted not knowing enough and needing to read about it first. He is a little waterfall, but so smart and thoughtful and also attentive to what the other person says. I was content to watch the conversation unfold in front of me and took in all the little details with his whole behaviour, intonation and gestures all being just as I know them from watching way too many videos. The biggest difference was how he looked like: He seemed smaller, more fragile and very tired. And still he was engaged in the conversation even more than this woman, despite looking like he needed a whole bar of chocolate and at least three days of sleep.

Then the producer made an announcement and asked all of us to be quiet because Max had to repeat a sentence which he somehow didn't say entirely correctly during the show. The three of us stood there together and Claus told us conspirationally "Ah yes, Herr Uthoff forgot his text again... happens all the time. And now this is particularly tricky because he has to repeat it with everyone looking at him." Max confidently repeated the short passage and Claus resumed his conversation with that woman. At some point I also chipped in, despite being really nervous about it. I said something about how satire shows seemingly unite to save our democracy at the moment with the ZDF Magazin Royale just having released two episodes about right wing extremists at the Frankfurt police.

It was really odd to suddenly have him looking me straight into the eyes. What do you mean he sees me and hears me and replies to what I said? Suddenly grammar and vocabulary were very abstract concepts. I have a general difficulty with looking into people's eyes, it is usually very challenging for me, but I really wanted to try. I knew how lucky I was to get to talk to him at all. Eventually the woman left and an older couple approached. The woman asked for a photo, but I offered to take a picture with both of them together with Claus which they gladly accepted and were really happy about it. They did not stay to talk for long and suddenly they also disappeared.

Now it was my turn to say something. I was very glad to have a reason at least. "Excuse me, may I also bother you for a few seconds? I brought something for you if that is ok." He had already kind of turned to go but agreed, "Oh, yes sure." So I got all three chocolate bars from my handbag and gave them to him. He thanked me and I remarked somehow that these are greetings from Sachsen. He was happy that there was some representation from Sachsen and assured me it is still valid, although I'm not actually from there. Then it dawned on him that all three bars are probably not for him and asked to whom else to give them. I said he can decide himself how he wants to distribute them. In response he cheekily hid two of the chocolates behind his back and joked that these will be for him only. I laughed and said that my friend (it was N!) had suggested to give all three of them to him, and he liked that idea very much. During the whole conversation he kept on shuffling them in his hands, a bit as if they were playing cards. Then he said more seriously that they will make up the main stash of sweets in the writers' room when conceptualising the next episode. I told him that I would have brought cake instead of chocolate if that was possible. The reaction to this statement was priceless. In this short moment I could see confusion about why suddenly cake is mentioned, then recognition that yes, it's something he likes indeed and again confusion about whether and how I could know this. He stammered something about "Ah yes, cake... yes, yes indeed", before he told me that Max apparently often brings all sorts of things to the writers room "but sadly not cake". Poor man, I would have brought an entire baking sheet of cake for him.

I asked him afterwards if I may have a photo together and he immediately agreed. So I reached for my phone and realised it was still turned off! "Oh no, sorry! I listened to what you said and turned off my phone!" He laughed and pretended to be incredulous, "Someone listens to what I say?" I don't know what hit me, but I managed to look him in the eyes and reply in the same joking manner "Yes, of course! I always listen to what you say." "And now we have to wait for three long minutes until it finally turns on again," he quipped with a smirk. Some guy who had joined us in the meantime, saw his opportunity and said "Ah well, then I could quickly ask you something in the meantime!" Claus agreed and they started a conversation about whether forbidding the AfD is really the solution to the problem or rather suppressing the causes or making it worse. In the meantime my phone had turned on again and I just listened to their conversation.

Suddenly a woman called Claus in an impatient tone. Fair enough, around us the technicians and helpers were already taking away chairs and diassembling the equipment. Claus shouted back, "Sorry, sorry! We are still talking. It's my fault, I have been talking way too much again!" The conversation somehow shifted to his (right now nonexistent) solo tours and he said that he is in fact planning to do one. I immediately chipped in, "Oh really? I would love you to go on a solo tour, please!" He said that he actually likes being on the theatre stage much more than "down here" but he hasn't managed to write a program because of family, health and because he writes eight shows for Die Anstalt each year ("And I really write a lot for them!"). I reassured him that a solo tour would be amazing and that I would definitely come to see him. He thanked me and remembered that actually many people have said the same and he really plans on making it happen "before 2025".

The guy wanted to to take his leave and Claus already wanted to say bye, too ("Otherwise I will collapse soon"). But I stood there with wide eyes and my phone and panicked a bit and shyly started "Oh, and the-?" And he remembered about the photo, "Ah yes, of course." That guy offered to take the photo but I said no thanks, I'll manage. And then joked a bit about "at least, if my hands aren't shaking too much", which was true, I was really a bit shaky. But Claus immediately replied "Oh no, it's alright. My hands have been shaky earlier, too." I managed to take a photo and thanked him profusely, also for liking my post. I didn't specify which post, but he understood right away and realisation hit him: "Ohhh, so that was you with the drawing?" "Yes, that's me who has recently been bothering you with drawings on Instagram." "Thank you so much for the drawing. It's great! I wish I could draw, too!" And then it was really time for him to go and we said goodbye. I turned around and realised, that I was pretty much the only crazy person left in the studio and quickly went outside to fetch my coat.

On my way back to the hostel I was still so full of adrenaline and my hands were still shaking. Everything was too much for me and I could not calm down until late at night at around 2am. Not only did I witness the show live, but I also had the huge luck to have met Claus. That I got to look him in the eyes and talk to him is more than I expected. And he even got the chocolate! Psst! I don't mind, you can eat all three of them. I won't tell, I promise. I am a bit worried and guilty about keeping him for so long and hope that the poor guy could get a lot of rest and cake and chocolate to recover. He really looked very tired, despite giving his everything for the show and for everyone who came to talk to him afterwards. I wish that I could have given him a big hug, but we are not at an EE concert where you can receive the prescribed eight hugs a day. That has never been a realistical wish anyway, and I know that very well. And it doesn't matter, because I got so much more than I dared to hope for and I am so thankful and happy.

Tuesday, 10th Oct 2023: A Final Day

Today I realised that I started to really like Munich. Maybe because it reminds me a bit of London. Not necessarily the Biergärten, but the impressive buildings, the wide roads and the wonderful parks. After three days I feel sad to leave this city behind. There are many beautiful things about Munich. In the morning I left around ten and made my way to the Münchener Stadtmuseum. First I got to see the beautiful Marienplatz with so many flowers and beautifully ornamented buildings. Then I got sidetracked a little and ended up at the famous Viktualienmarkt instead. It wasn't overcrowded in the morning and I got to eat an original Bavarian Brezel in the shade of a tree. The Viktualienmarkt has permanent stands with loads of different foods, but I also saw a plant shop and some shops selling souvenirs.

Then it was time to visit the museum. For students the entrance fee was very cheap and for the money you can enter all exhibitions, not just the permanent one. I enjoyed the chronological permanent exhibition, though I feel like the later history was missing, as they stopped with the end of second world war. Then there was an exhibition about displaced people after the war - it was just one room though and I found the one with a similar topic in Bremen much more educational. I made the mistake to go upstairs to the exhibition of puppets. That was eerie as hell and I quickly got out of there. The reason I wanted to visit in the first place was a temporary exhibition about the rise of the NS party and their mechanisms of executing power. A very interesting, but also dark and scary exhibition, especially since right wing parties are on the rise again. Parts of the exhibition also overlapped with what we learned last semester in media history.

After that I was quite happy to go outside into the sunshine again. Today was a very sunny and warm day, a perfect ending of a beautiful journey. First I got a smoothie and a banana at an overcrowded supermarket and then I made my way towards the Eisbachwelle, a permanent wave at a bridge in a huge park. Surfers are riding the wave with many spectators watching them. I kept walking to a place called the Monopteros that reminded me of the Apollo temple I'd seen yesterday. From there I had a wonderful view over the park and the city. I discovered afterwards that the Chinese tower was actually in a beer garden (of course) and slowly started to make my way back.

I passed by the house of arts with a certain golden bar and the P1 club that is famous, although not necessarily with a good name to it, just for being posh.

I went back through the palace garden and passed by the Odeonsplatz one last time. Originally I'd wanted to go and get some food right away but then I thought that maybe looking for some clothing without holes would also be a good idea (I didn't find anything, though). The veggie and rice bowl I got was really good, although a bit sour. And now it was already time to get my backpack that I left at the hostel and board the train. As I'm writing this in the train I'm happy because Claus has liked my comment under his promo post for the show airing on TV this evening. Maybe I'll still get to watch it when I come home... Thanks Munich for such a wonderful time, hopefully I'll be back soon!

#big thank you to all of you who sent good vibes and tried to calm me down here when i was nervous #if anyone at all reads even half of this: you are incredible and have nerves of steel #wrote all these details down for myself to remember everything #die anstalt 2023 #claus von wagner #munich #my concerts #(that's just the tag for my travel journals here)

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bloodxxandxxspirit · 2 years

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for @xxgotthedevilinsidexx // Judas

“Kelly… hey, Kel! Hellooo?”

Fingers snapped in front of Kyrie, and she blinked hard. She’d been reading over the text she’d planned on sending to Judas that she forgot where she was. For a second, she even forgot the fake alias she gave everyone else when she first came into town. It was then she realized that Judas was the only person in Santa Carla who knew her real name. If it’d been anyone else, she would have left long ago.

“Sorry,” she muttered as she slid her phone into her back pocket and turned her attention to the group she was with. They were girls around her age, also runaways, who were sifting through the clothing piles outside the Goodwill. It was dark, thanks to the streetlight bulb having burned out over a month ago, and there was no security camera in sight. This allowed anyone to rummage through the donations left by donors after store hours. The girls took turns standing guard while the others picked out what they wanted.

“I can’t wait to get out of this shithole,” one girl expressed as she pulled up a yellow and pink flowery dress. “The ocean smells nasty - like garbage.”

Kyrie pulled out a particular shirt, and held it to her chest. Even in the dark, she knew she found a winner. “It’s not so bad,” she replied in reference to the ocean. “Nature’s not gonna always smell great, but at least it’s natural.”

The girl who first snapped Kyrie back to reality chimed in rather sarcastically. “I almost forgot you’re Little Miss Mother Earth here. You’d probably fit in with the boho crowd hawking homemade crap in downtown.”

Snickers came from the other girls, but Kyrie ignored them. She kept her focus on tomorrow, and finding her perfect outfit. Other than figuring out what to say to Judas, she’d been waiting for the results of her test. She couldn’t believe how excited she was to hang out with him. He was so cool, tough, but also compassionate - and pretty hot, too, with the tattoos and smoking… He was someone her community would never allow near her - and she liked it a lot.

“Guys, guys!” the girl on guard hissed. “Cop car heading this way!”

Everyone snatched what they could carry. Kyrie kept an iron grip over her chosen shirt, and blindly grabbed a pair of pants, before fleeing into the night with her companions.

By the time the squad car rolled onto the scene, they were greeted with the sight of torn bags, and articles of clothing and shoes spilled onto the sidewalk.

It was almost three in the morning when Kyrie remembered her forgotten text message she wanted to send to Judas. Careful not to let the light of her phone wake the other girls in the dark room, she buried herself underneath the blankets, pulled her phone from underneath the pillow, and deleted her old message. Not wanting to sound too needy after only meeting the guy, she chose to send a more low-key, casual text.

[ 📲 • sms ] what time do you wanna meet up tmrw? I’m free after 8 😊

#xxgotthedevilinsidexx #; && Kyrie (Main verse)#; && Judas & Kyrie (Main verse)

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erinfulmerwrites · 1 year

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Over the next thirty days, thousands of ambitious writers will churn out 50,000 words apiece to earn nothing but bragging rights, a hearty case of sleep deprivation, and hopefully part of a messy first draft.

I’ve attempted the challenge nine times and met the 50k goal six times. The event has a special energy that inspires me. There’s something about knowing that so many writers are pushing for this goal alongside me, sharing the experience of highs and lows, prioritizing their creative process.

Note that I also thrive under the urgency of a short timeline—not everyone’s best case scenario. Your mileage may vary. If NaNoWriMo isn’t for you, that is completely valid and doesn’t make you less of a serious writer. In fact it probably makes you more sane and healthy than some (i.e. me).

But! Since tomorrow is Nov. 1 and those who enjoy a good arbitrary deadline will be off to the races (also me), it seems like a good time to talk about how to “win” at NaNoWriMo without losing your mind or your motivation.

Make time for your writing.

Tell your spouse, tell your kids, tell your cats (as if they’ll listen): your priorities will be different this month. Set aside blocks of time where you can. Clear your schedule as much as possible.

NaNoWriMo is a great time to establish or experiment with a writing routine. Ask yourself when you get the most out of your writing time. When do you feel the strongest sense of creative flow?

Do the words flow more easily the morning, before everyone wakes up? Or do they come easier in the evening, when the concerns of the day have been put to bed? If you’re short on time, can you fit in small sessions to “sprint” throughout the day? Stay curious about your experience throughout and be open to trying new methods when the tried and true falls short.

Make every word count.

Can’t figure out how to start a scene? Brainstorm in your document. Ask yourself on the page what should happen next.

Start with “I am having trouble writing this scene because…” and just free write for a while. List possibilities, lines that pop into your head, ideas for future scenes you want to lay groundwork for. Do a brain dump of your doubts and hopes for the story.

If you find an interesting hook, start following it. Before long, you’ll probably have a nice chunk of words on the page, even if some of it is angst or lists or seven different ways to start a scene. Don’t delete anything—they all count as words you wrote in November.

Accept the mess.

You can edit out the brain dumps and angst later. You’re going to revise this manuscript anyway. There is no perfect first draft. There is definitely no perfect 50k words written in 30 days.

Also, unless you are writing a novella or a middle grade book, 50k is not a full length book. It’s embryonic, a skeleton, a homunculus, a mock-up. It’s incomplete and that’s the way it should be. It’s what it needs to be at this stage.

I think of this draft as the roughed-out shape of wood or stone on a sculptor’s table before the artist does the real detail work with chisel and knife that exposes the grace of her vision. It’s the first layer of a painting with blocky shapes, a few colors, sketched lines. It’s laying a foundation that you will build on later.

It might help to call it a zero draft or an in depth outline—whatever gets you out of perfectionist mode. The perfect is the enemy of the done. It has no place in NaNoWriMo.

Keep it interesting.

If you’re not enjoying what you’re working on during a given session, if you’re not excited about some aspect of it, use this feeling as a cue. Ask yourself what would have to happen to make it interesting to you. Now write that instead.

A more specific variant of this technique: ask “what’s the worst thing that could happen to my character right now?” Whatever you come up with is also probably the most interesting thing that could happen to them. Character torture is legal, even encouraged, in NaNoWriMo.

NaNoWriMo is a good time to take risks with your writing. Don’t be afraid to go off outline, to try out new voices, tenses, or techniques, or to introduce brand new characters that derail the plot in exciting ways. Sometimes you have to blow up your plot to get through it.

If you have to skip some stuff, skip it. You can literally write that “somehow, they got from point A to B.” Do whatever it takes. You don’t have to write the boring parts. You don’t want your eventual readers to have to read the boring parts, either.

You don’t have to write every day.

I’m not a fan of any writing advice that preaches the gospel of daily writing, because that’s not possible for everyone and is frankly ableist. If you don’t get your words in or you don’t hit “par” for the day, don’t stress. In fact, a break may be just what you need to get your creative mojo back.

Don’t give up because you miss a couple of days or a week or even more. Although the number of words you need for the month may seem overwhelming, a few good days can go a long way. Focus on meeting incremental goals rather than the amount you’re ahead or behind on a daily basis.

You can always stage a late game comeback. Hell, I’ve made it a NaNo tradition. (I am REALLY motivated by urgency. *waves in ADHD*) However…

A few words are better than zero.

If you’re feeling unmotivated and you’re not sure if you should try to push yourself on a given day or not, make a deal with yourself to write 50 words. Just 50. When you get those 50 words, if you still don’t want to write any more that day, you can stop and do whatever you want instead.

Odds are that by the time you get those 50 words in you will have found your flow again. If not, you still have more words than you started. And that is a win.

Be kind to yourself in this and keep your promise if it’s a real chore to get out 50 words, if you can’t stand to stare at the page for a moment more. Let yourself be done. Creativity takes energy, and sometimes that energy just isn’t there. Honor that and take time to fill your creative well, rest, and recalibrate.

Find your easy mode.

Writing is already hard. Engaging your creativity is a workout for your brain meat. In that light, look for ways to make the act of writing easier and more comfortable. You don’t have to write on hard mode!

Focus apps or browser extensions can eliminate distractions like social media. The StayFocusd Chrome extension, which is free to install for desktop, will let you “go nuclear” and block the whole internet. It annoys me how well this works!

Having trouble getting to the computer? Try writing in your notes app on your phone or sitting on the couch with a laptop or tablet. I recently dug out my old Surface notebook so I could write on the couch and it’s so much comfier than my desk.

Curate your physical environment as well. Noise canceling headphones are a blessing if you’re easily distracted. Experiment with what kind of noise keeps your energy up without interrupting your flow. White noise or instrumentals are usually my go-to, but lately dance music has been giving me an energy and mood boost while writing.

Dictation to text apps can help if you have physical pain or vision problems. I haven’t tried this myself but I sometimes use my voice memos for notes if I can’t get to a keyboard. I might test out dictation more this year, though, because my eyestrain issues have been killing me.

Sprint to the finish line!

Finally, there is the classic NaNoWriMo tradition of word sprints. A sprint is a short burst of writing time in which you try to get as many words out as possible, perhaps in friendly competition with fellow writers. Most Discord writing servers I’m in have automated sprint bots now, so that’s how I usually do this, but you can also use a regular timer.

I don’t always use sprints because they can stress me out. They are effective, though, so I will use them during NaNoWriMo if I need to do some catch up. Once I’m warmed up, I can write around 300 words in a 15 minute sprint, so four sprints or an hour of writing can net me more than 1k words—and I’m a relatively slow sprinter.

Do it because you want to.

If short deadlines and fast drafting don’t work for you, if you hate every minute of NaNoWriMo, if reading this stresses you out, don’t do it. It doesn’t make you a better writer to write 50k words in a month. It’s an arbitrary goal and for many writers, it’s a hard stretch goal.

Not everyone wants to run a marathon. I don’t! Plenty of runners don’t do marathons, either. It’s not worth doing unless you get something out of it, and it is very taxing.

You will need recovery time. You will feel exhausted. You will wonder why you decided to do this.

Know why you are doing it. Don’t pressure yourself if it doesn’t sound like something you want. Also, if you want to quit midway, you can quit without penalty. You will still have more words than you started with, and that is a win in itself.

Make the challenge work for you.

The NaNo events have loosened up over time. You can work on more than one project at a time during November if you like. You can work on revisions, continue a draft you already started (this is what I’m doing) or write something that is not a novel at all.

So be a NaNo rebel if that’s what works for you! They’ll even give you a badge for it. Again, if you’re writing words in November, you’re winning.

If you want the community writing experience but don’t want the pressure of committing to 50k, you can set your own goal. You won’t get the badges and rewards if you don’t go for 50k, but you’re not missing out on anything major. The real magic of NaNoWriMo is making a commitment to writing with community support.

There are no NaNo police. Even the 50k is verified on an honor system. I am sure people lie about it but literally no one cares. (There are some discount codes available if you win, but that’s really just icing, and there are offers for participants as well.)

Celebrate the power of “no.”

Last year, some friends and I decided to celebrate NoNoNoMo – the month of saying NO. Saying no is powerful—and it doesn’t have to be negative. It’s all about setting and honoring our boundaries.

Say no to guilt and obligations that get in the way of writing. Say no to self-doubt and self-rejection. Say no to Twitter, fuck that place. Say no to distractions that steal your time and don’t replenish your energy in return.

Say no to the rules of writing—use all the adverbs and filler words you want. Say no to whatever sucks the joy out. Say no to other people’s ways of doing things.

Hell, say no to every piece of advice in this post! Say no to NaNoWriMo, if you want. It’s really there to get you hyped up for writing—if you find it does the opposite, definitely say no to that.

But you say no to everything else here, please don’t forget to sleep, hydrate, and eat—your brain will use more fuel than you think while writing. Say no to running on empty. It is just electric, amazing, creative meat in there, after all.

Experiment with what works for you, get curious about your process, and don’t forget to connect with your fellow writers who are running this marathon with you. Community commiseration will carry you through a lot of rough spots. Writing can feel solitary and isolating, but NaNoWriMo provides an opportunity to remember that you’re not alone in your struggles or your triumphs.

However you decide to spend it, NaNo or no NaNo (or just NoNoNoMo), have a great November and happy writing!

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killemwithkawaii · 2 years

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L.S.S.: No progress on leaving, but the inbox has some new stuff… I guess we can see if anybody has any more ideas before we try and figure out our sleeping situation?

Mitch(1): [typed] Yeah, okay. And we thought the sheets were dirty when we got here…

L.S.S.: Good to hear from you, MJ. Yeah, the last few days have been… not ideal.

Mitch(1): [indecipherable]

L.S.S.: What? I know that’s putting it too lightly. Sarcasm is my defense mechanism of choice, you know that.

So, fae are real, huh? And you got spirited away by some fairy king creep while you were walking alone in the woods at night? Wow. Shocker. Why am I not surprised…

Mitch(1): [typed] MJ! You’re okay!! I’m so relieved…!

L.S.S.: Oh my god, you actually punched him over that? Ha! Serves him right!

Mitch(1): [typed] I usually don’t think violence is the answer, but when the chips are down and you have no other choice, it can be necessary. Hopefully, that punch will be enough of a warning. Just try to talk it out with from now on him, okay?

L.S.S.: And if that doesn’t work, go for the balls. Fae have balls, right? Keep us updated, I’m actually kind of curious.

Mitch(1): [typed] keep us updated so we know you’re okay!

L.S.S.: Oh yeah, that too. I thought that went without saying…?

Mitch (1): ….

L.S.S.: WOAH, AWESOME!! It's the medical supply motherload!! Damn Meadow, way to come through...! I guess we can start patching ourselves up, huh Mitchie? If we're still alive somehow, maybe we can heal, too...? It's a stretch, but it's not like anything else here makes any sense, so it's worth a try... oh, hey, I bet I could learn to pop some wheelies in this thing [the wheelchair], once we reset my arms and fingers! Nice...

Mitch(1): ......

[typed] Thank you very much, Meadow. It's really thoughtful of you to give us all this. We'll be sure to put it to good use.

L.S.S.: ...are you okay?

Mitch(1): .....

[typed] Yes, I'm fine. I think I just need some more water in my skull hole. And I want to start picking this glass out of me, since we have tweezers now.

L.S.S.: ...

Okay, yeah, of course, we can do that... er, I mean, you can do that... I'd help, but I can't really do fine motor functions right now.

Mitch(1): [typed] Okay.

L.S.S.: ....

L.S.S.: It is really weird, but so is everything else about this situation, sooo...

Mitch(1): ...

[typed] We looked behind it, but I don't think we looked closely at the back. I'll take a look.

......

[typed] What does 'K.E.W.K.' stand for?

L.S.S.: It says that on the back?

Mitch(1): [typed] It has 'K.E.W.K. x L.S.S.' scratched into the wood in a little heart. L.S.S. is what you go by with your friends, right?

L.S.S.: ... shit, that... probably isn't good...

Mitch(1): [typed] This painting seems like nothing but trouble. Should we try to throw it away? Should we destroy it?

L.S.S.: No! That might make things worse! Besides, I... if we are stuck here forever, I... kind of want to keep it...

Mitch(1): [indecipherable, angry]

L.S.S.: What? It's theirs. I don't know if I'll ever see them again... I can't keep something to remember them by?

Mitch(1): ....

L.S.S.: ...?

Mitch(1): [typed]Sal, I'M MITCH! The only reason you were ever with the others is because you couldn't have me, remember? Why do you want to keep something from my copy when I'm right here?!

L.S.S.: They're not your copy. They're you.... just different. And I was supposed to be with them this month... I'm supposed to be with them right now.... I may be here, but I still I miss them, just like I missed you. What's wrong with that...?

Mitch(1): ........

[text deleted]

.......

L.S.S.: ........

Listen, it's been a fucking crazy day and we're both exhausted. We'll talk more about this in the morning, okay?

Mitch(1): ..........

L.S.S.: ... c'mon. Let's change the sheets and get in bed. We'll talk and keep trying to figure out how to get out of this 'box' tomorrow. Who knows, maybe we'll wake up and be back to normal again...

Mitch(1): .... [nodding]

L.S.S.: Okay. Here, I'll... hold down a corner of the sheets, I guess....

Mitch(1): .......

#the staycation 🏡💙#l.s.s. answers #meadow chan #MJ #tw unreality #tw death #tw injury #tw body horror #tw violence #tw kidnapping #penpal!mitch #meet the fishers

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imarawbu · 2 months

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Today was the start of Ramadan but also a very bad day. I am still reeling.

This morning she was very fussy and did not want to go back to bed at 6, the past few days she has been waking up very early and wanting to play. She's in the bed with me so she will just pull my hair and climb on me. I got tired of it so I put her back in the crib and went to the couch. She was crying and screaming, as toddlers do. Then I realized something was wrong and ran to check. I thought she had been jumping in her crib and crying. No. My husband had taken her out of her crib and was hitting her, telling her to shut up, and trying to force her mouth closed to stop her from crying.

I got her back and tried to calm her down, told him to get out. She eventually calmed down because I was there and went back to sleep after awhile.

She has a bruise on her face.

It is small today but it will definitely be bigger tomorrow. I took a photo today and I will take a photo tomorrow. I have him on tape telling me that him hitting her is my fault because I'm a horrible and lazy mother.

It's amazing to me. My ex, would never admit he attacked or assaulted me or a family member- except one time- every other time he would deny and deny no matter what evidence you gave. My husband is at another level, he freely admits to hitting me or her then blames me for it, and tells me that it could be worse next time, if I don't behave. My ex was literally shameless, this is narcissistic abuse- blame his behavior on me and projects everything onto me.

He has a serious talk with me and tells me I need to stop being lazy and if she is up, be up with her and not leave her awake in her crib. How horrible a mother I am that he had to do this. Etc. then goes back to insulting me and telling me I'm fat and unattractive and he doesn't know why he is staying with me or why we are staying married. I told him as a result of his behavior I wasn't going to spend three hours cooking, he can do it himself. Especially since the last two days I have woken up feeling sicker and I have gotten less than 6 hours of sleep the last two nights. When she woke up for the day, I asked for another 30 minutes because I was so tired and because she was with me in the bed, I had to sleep at an uncomfortable angle. Of course he didn't care and refused to let me sleep anymore.

I ended up making the food. He did help pretty extensively. Since he complained about how I've made it before. I asked him all the measurements. The food turned out worse than the last time I made it (it is a complex dish). I told him I double checked the measurements with him and he oversaw what I did, so this isn't totally my fault...Not like he is a cooking expert, when he cooks, he never measures anything, it usually turns out bad. Anyways, we get to eat this probably for the rest of the week since it's Ramadan and we only eat one meal a day now...

To be clear, the last time he threatened or hit her was almost a year ago. The last time he did something to me was more than six months ago. I am collecting evidence. I think he found the photo of the bruises I had last time and deleted it because I can't find it anywhere in my phone or in the cloud. This photo of her, I have backed up and it's no longer on my phone it's in one of my emails.

I thought of saying something but again, there isn't any point as we don't have anywhere to go, the situation is not life threatening. There is not even a point of telling anyone until I've consulted a lawyer and no point in doing that either until I have financial stability or he pays off the house. Telling people is only going to create drama or risk him finding out and leaving the country. If I say something, it's not like anyone can give me financial stability or pay off the house or even offer anything financially. So why bother. Nobody understands when you are in this situation. Saying leave, leave, leave is dumb because there are no resources, this is America. I have a small daughter. She's better off living in a house than she is in a homeless shelter or more likely my car or the streets. Unless you can offer financial help or direct to someone who can, saying leave, leave, leave, is unhelpful and useless. I am telling from experience. I was under the poverty level, I was only my own, I was eligible for zero resources- not even the food bank, which is one of the easiest resources to get when you are in such a situation. I went to the masjid, I went to the local Muslim charity. They could offer me nothing. I make twice what I did then, which is still nothing, not even enough to get a 1 bed apartment. Where I live, everyone is hurting, everything is unaffordable. Homelessness is high, shelters have wait-lists, the base standard to get any assistance is near impossible because this is a red state and two because I make almost double their income requirements.

I thought there was a chance of him getting enough to pay off the house but he lost half his investments last week so now even his financial stability may be affected. He had previously had 50% gains before the new year and that's why he suddenly decided to go home, he lost half of that by the time he came back.

I tell him his losses are a result of how badly he treats us.

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