#winchesters and their vengeance quests and sam winchester clinging to someone that reminds him he is human

[pechebeche]

sometimes i think about how the only thing that changed between sam post-dean’s death in mystery spot and sam post-dean’s death at the start of s4 was ruby. sometimes i think about how having a connection, any connection, outside of the complicated mess of hangups in the winchester family history, about having someone he could relate to, about knowing that he was not alone in feeling damned and wanting more, was the sole barrier between sam going into an obsessive spiral

 sometimes i think about how angry dean and bobby got about sam trying to do good with his powers, not knowing that re-using his powers for good was the only reason sam was functioning at all. sometimes i think about ruby taking care of sam, in her own way, in ways that others maybe didn’t approve of but that worked, of sam who can’t leave his past behind in a normal life but can’t become the kind of vengeance-obsessed hunter that john was and that he could so easily slip into without someone there to remind him who he is, and of finding a middle ground by taking his past and what people have done to him and using it for good.

sometimes i think about how castiel identified sam as ‘the boy with the demon blood’ and how maybe it was not supposed to be a cruel thing, because cas does not understand what is cruel and what is kind at the best of times and the angels watched and knew. maybe this was a kindness. maybe this was sam winchester, boy with the demon blood, who used it to help and save and protect. sometimes i think about ruby whose job would be infinitely easier if sam were emotionless and manipulable and instead loving him, giving him the opportunity to love himself, to learn that he is not broken, that he is not damned, that he is more than whatever demons did to him. sometimes i think about sam winchester.

#spn #spnliveblog #sam winchester #meta #i GUESS #what im saying is. i love my nb queer angel of a hunter who struggles with who he is. and we dont talk abt him enough #supernatural #sometimes i think about solidarity and support systems and how even well meaning people can hurt you by trying to help #and forging connections with people you barely know because you have been through the same and you See each other in a way no one else does #sometimes i think abt samruby #sometimes i think about between s3 & s4 ruby being to sam what dean was in s1 #winchesters and their vengeance quests and sam winchester clinging to someone that reminds him he is human #and breaking cycles and learning to move on. i love him