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#wine drunk

Home alone; mom is spending the night with her guy.

This last week I gave dating apps another try. I just really wanted some connection or conversation but was disappointed. I did have a few good talks and even gave my number to this one guy, but it was nothing. We talked for a day and then he stopped replying to me. I could tell he was losing interest after I didn’t entertain his sexual advances and it really sucked. He was smart and funny but I didn’t want him to expect me to fuck him when we met. I just wanted to talk and get to know him first. 

I didn’t seek out any answer as to why he stopped talking to me. I just let it be. I do not chase and hardly know him, so it was nothing. I just hate how hard it is to talk to boys without sex being on the table. Why does my generation not know how to properly court someone? It isn’t fair and lately I’ve been feeling depressed about it. 

I feel like I’ll never find the right man for me. I feel like I won’t ever find someone that wants to know me truly and love me. I hate to say it but thinking about it depresses me. I just want to be respected and taken seriously but because of society, social media and porn, I never will be. Men take one look at me and they just want to fuck because of my assets. I’m a human with feelings and a deep soul and want to be appreciated and loved for it. I am more than just my body. 

Men will do anything just to sleep with a woman they are attracted to. I have had men lie about their feelings towards me and treat me like shit after they have their way. I’ve been in relationships that were all about the man’s ego. They wanted to look good by having me on their arm or make themselves feel superior through sex. There is no passion, love or connection in the sex, only their insecurities and ego on top of me. I’m sick of it! 

I want love. I want connection and understanding. I want to be vulnerable with someone and know that I am safe in being so. I want to freely express myself and be able to lean on a man that effortlessly holds me up. I want him to support and encourage me on every level. I want our sex to be passionate, loving and intimate. I don’t want to feed egos and give more than I get. I deserve EVERYTHING. I deserve love. 

I must confess that I am scared. After everything I’ve been through, I just don’t know if I could ever appreciate real love anymore. I want it but I’m so scared of getting hurt again, I used to tell others that you shouldn’t let your past love life affect your future but now that girl is dead. I just don’t know how to move forward anymore. There have been so many times where I put my past behind me and gave someone all of me just to get screwed in the end. It’s happened so much that I don’t have it in me anymore. 

Never have I ever pictured myself as the girl that gives men a hard time before softening up but, dammit that’s what I’m going to be. I just don’t see how I could be anything else. I’m just so tired of being fucked with that I really don’t care whose feelings get hurt anymore. It’s my turn to be selfish and look out for me. It’s my turn to be ruthless and make men uncomfortable. If he’s real, he will stay and prove himself to me. 

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“Goodnight all of you tumblr people out there, you are truly beautiful AND I’m about to get smashed ass drunk and make a fool of myself on tumblr, haha.. stay tuned.”

It’s time to get wasted - eUë

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I’m watching The Mummy Returns and watched The Mummy right before this. I love these movies so much, like they’re not the best but they’re just so lovely.

And I’m also wine drunk on a Wednesday because I can be, (and I’m not working) And if I dont overthink that, I’m feeling pretty good.

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