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perpetuelledaydreaming · 2 years

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Do I wanna know? | Chapter 4

summary: Bucky honestly didn’t know what hit him as he woke up and you, you were just hoping a shower and some coffee would make you feel better after your night but I guess it’s not going exactly like that.

listen to: Death wish- role model

warnings: violence

word count: 2k

series masterlist + read the next chapter early on my ko-fi!!!

Bucky Barnes never thought he would fall in love.

It wasn’t a thing about being the Winter Soldier or the guilt from those years that made him arrive at this conclusion. It was the fact that he truly never believed it would ever happen to him. He had witnessed his parent's marriage, he had witnessed his father leaving his mother without a second thought, he remembered how his mother cried over him and how he had to be there to pick up the pieces that his father had left on his way out.

His mother never recovered, his sister didn’t even remember him and Bucky decided that if he could prevent it, he wouldn’t fall in love.

And so, he spend the rest of the years until the war, taking different girls dancing and chasing them, when he was older he was kissing them on dark allies or before he left them at their respective doors. He sometimes would even take two different girls dancing when Steve would deny him and them his company, or he would flirt carelessly with them, asking for numbers and addresses he knew he would never remember.

When he was drafted into the army he figured he wouldn’t even care about being more discreet with girls since these could be his very last few days on this earth and he might not come back to America. Then, Hydra took him and when Bucky got out, he felt physically unable to form any sort of connection. He couldn’t even flirt as he used to or even be relaxed enough to utter a single word.

And then, you arrived.

Bucky turned on his bed as he recalled what had happened the night before. He stared at the ceiling only to be plagued by the memories of your labored breath, he could swear he still felt the warmth of your body on his fingertips, he recalled your lips ghosting over his and how you had looked at him as if you’d been starved from him. Bucky still felt his whole body buzzing at the feeling of you over him, of him pushing against you, of your wispy gasp as his tongue invaded your mouth, of your body and he could only picture you on his mind now.

Bucky shuddered. The thought of him kissing you was thrilling but almost to the point of being also terrifying. The mere fact that he’d even thought about it repeatedly, the mere fact that he’d been thinking about kissing an assassin that had been sent to end him, about kissing the girl who had a pointed a knife to his throat seconds before, would be enough for Dr. Raynor to lock him up, and yet…

And yet he’d dreamed about you.

He had tried not to remember the details of the memory or the details of his dreams- the heat and the sweat of it- but he’d decided to stay awake as much as he could, watching mindless TV in order to avoid them or even drink enough to slide into mindless oblivion, hoping he would forget the pain and the memories of you.

And yet they didn’t disappear, it wasn’t until late in the day that he realized that he needed to find you again.

Bucky quickly raised from his bed, the one he had finally been able to sleep on without feeling he was going to be swallowed by the earth just because he slept thinking about you, and took his phone.

He dialed the number rather quickly and waited for Ayo to pick up.

“Don’t tell me,” Ayo stated nonchalantly as she finally picked up and Bucky smirked at the sound of her voice. “You got your ass kicked again by the girl, didn’t you?”

Bucky smiled as he remembered you and proceeded to ask Ayo if there was any way that they could track you down.

And although Bucky was thrilled about the thought of finding you, you were a whole other story.

You almost didn’t get out of bed and you wanted the earth to swallow whole. With a shaky breath, you pushed yourself out of bed and force yourself to put your body into the tub to finally wash the blood from last night away as well as James Barnes's touch from your skin. But before you entered your body into the tub, you checked your appearance in the mirror of the bathroom. Your body was covered in bruises and although they would be gone by the next few days thanks to the serum that you had flowing through your veins, you couldn’t help but notice how awful they looked. You felt angry at the thought of them but then you watched your lips and you were able to make out your ruined lipstick, which you were beyond sure it was Barnes doing.

With a shaky hand, you wiped away the evidence as you finally placed your body on the water and you shuddered at the memories. The water was warm and it helped with the annoying pain you were feeling but you couldn't relax your muscles no matter how hard you tried and you felt nauseous at the thought of talking to Yelena.

You had never lied to Yelena before- lying was part of your job but with strangers, never to your bosses or your fellow black widows. You felt sick to your stomach as you recalled how she had texted you an hour ago and you hadn’t answered. The guilt was eating you alive and you wanted nothing more than you simply disappear. You had not only been unsuccessful at your plan of killing James Barnes but you’d also ended up kissing him as if you’d been deprived of air.

You pulled yourself under the water once again as if it would wake you up from an awful nightmare but as you came up for air again and the blood from your hair started to taint the water from the bath, you simply remained motionless in that position on the bath. You tried to keep your eyes on the water but you just imagined James Barnes's electric and icy blue eyes, you just recalled his hand on your cheek and his lips on yours, his insisting pushing.

You tried to ignore the fast beating of your heart as you recalled how he had held you last night, with such care and so opposite to how he had held your body minutes before, how his eyes seemed to soften when he saw your face, how the anger dissipated and was replaced with hunger, how you melted in him and how your bodies seemed to fit and suddenly your body grew hot as the images from came back to your mind.

Until you snapped.

Without missing a bit you got out of the tub, you knew that you needed to distract yourself, your mind shouldn’t have gone back to whatever had happened between you two, and even less now that Yelena was still texting you, which only cause the sinking feeling in your chest to grow.

You didn’t even care to dress properly, only bothering to put on flowy trousers and a cardigan with some glasses and a baseball cap, as if would be a proper disguise for you. You got out of the apartment in a rush as you walked through the streets of Brooklyn, hoping to eye a proper place for you to be alone and simply stay still, feel the wind whipping at your cheeks and nose, to feel at peace without those steel-blue eyes hunting you.

As you walked, you found yourself in a cozy Starbucks and your body screamed for you to go in. You were indeed feeling better after the shower and yet your body felt as if a truck had run over you, and so, you decided that if the coffee could make you feel a bit more energized, you should definitely take it.

You entered the café quietly, it was mostly empty which you appreciated and thought because it was already a bit late for going for a latte.

“Hi, how are you?” The barista said with a smile but tired eyes. “How can I help you today?”

“May I please have a venti latte with coconut milk, please?” you asked as you looked for the money to pay on your bag, not paying much attention to actually listen to the girl repeating your order out loud as she wrote on the cup.

“Can I have your name?”

“Y/N,” you stated and you froze as you realized you’d given your actual name and not one of the many you usually used when you went out. You blamed the exhaustion on your body for that mistake and although your eyes had opened like plates, the barista didn’t give you a second look as she received the cash you were handing out to her and muttered a small thank you before she asked her coworker to start doing the drink.

You nodded and walked away with your heart hammering in your chest as you cursed yourself mentally as you gave a long sigh hoping that no one else had listened but honestly, you didn’t even bother looking around and you simply took your phone out that had more messages from Yelena.

YB: are you okay? I’m going to look for you if you don’t answer in T-7h

You rolled your eyes at her words. It was odd for Yelena to even give such complete messages when texting since you knew someone could actually hack it or steal it and see anything, so you knew that if she was texting you this much, it couldn’t be anything good.

Nonetheless, the prospect of telling Yelena more lies made your stomach churn but you knew there would be absolutely no way that you could tell her what had actually happened. You’d actually broken your promise to Yelena and you knew this would hurt her, she had no one, and yet here you were betraying her.

And as much as you hated lying to her, you knew it was for the best.

Y: sorry. Wasn’t feeling good.

You glanced at the screen, waiting for Yelena to answer, hoping that she would believe you again.

YB: Want me to come over?

Y: No, it’s nothing. Didn’t get the project I was hoping for yesterday but I’ll keep on trying.

You shuddered at the message, how could you ever keep on trying to kill him if you had kissed him like that and felt whatever you felt at that moment.

“Latte for Y/N!” The barista stated, not as loudly as some other baristas did, which you were thankful for. You smiled at him and started to drink your coffee as you kept looking at your phone hoping Yelena would answer.

And then you heard those steps, those familiar steps, and then the scent of whiskey with the undertone of cinnamon, and your heart dropped but you didn’t turn around just yet.

“You have a lovely name,” his voice ricocheted on the small café, and in your mind, you could feel his voice on your bones and as you slowly turned around, your eyes were trapped by his steel blue ones.

***

Author's note: So this isn't getting as much attention as I would like buttt I would really appreciate it if you left your opinion and let me know if you like how the story is going!!! thank you so much if you finished reading this

***

feedback is always welcomed

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also maybe soon available on wattpad?

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lokigonnakmsforbucky · 2 years

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Blood Lust

Chapter 7

Days had passed since we arrived at the safe house, and I couldn't tell where exactly we were. Except that wherever we were was in the middle of absolute nowhere. The only thing as far as I could see was trees.

It wouldn't be so bad if I didn't fear what was next.

Peggy and Steve haven't contacted us since they left us here, I fear something may have happened to them. I'm afraid that Hydra may have taken them. I just have to keep my hope more potent than fear, I have to hope they are okay. They found my father, they have found Tony and Wanda. I hope they have, No... I have to believe that they got them safe.

What made the days here even worse was that Bucky was not speaking a word to me, no matter the ways I try to speak to him. Try to get his attention, it was worthless. It was quiet throughout the house for days. Bucky barely slept the past few days, and when he did he would sleep on the floor beside the bed. He wouldn't sleep peacefully... whenever I was around I could hear him shuffling around and whispering words such as, "No" and "Stop". Over and over, like in the dream, he was reliving a nightmare over and over.

When I heard him struggling all I wanted to do was to help. Wake him up, tell him everything is alright, and comfort him. But, I already know what would happen if I even tried. He would simply shrug me off or tell me everything is alright and I need to go rest and leave him alone.

Bucky also has hardly eaten any while we have been here, which has made me worry. Yes, he has eaten bread and even has made me food here and there, but he hasn't eaten what he eats... well, drinks. He hasn't drank any blood ever since we were still at his home, that has worried me the most ever since I have no idea what happens to a vampire if they haven't eaten anything in days. Yes, I am assuming food may sustain his hunger but what is gonna happen if he can't hold it together any longer. Would he run off? Would he attack me when I cannot defend myself?

No. I cannot think like that, Bucky wouldn't hurt me. He hasn't even been acting like he was needing any blood. But, what happens if he breaks. I am the closest blood source here...

I get up from my chair and walk into the kitchen, opening the fridge and grabbing a bottle of water. I cannot think like this, Bucky won't hurt me. He said he wouldn't.

I heard a door open and a low groan. Bucky finally woke up, he was fully dressed with his leather jacket, blue jeans, and a white t-shirt under the jacket. The only thing that wasn't fixed was his long hair. His hair was usually pulled back but today it was down and frizzled.

"Good Morning," I say with a small smile, hoping for Bucky to just talk one word. Or at least give me some reaction, even a small reaction would suffice.

"Morning." His scruffy voice feels the room, the first time I would actually hear his voice without it being him asleep or me just imagining it in my mind. I can actually admit that I missed hearing his voice.

Bucky, went to the door and slipped his combat boots on, and walked back into the kitchen to grab a kitchen knife, "Uh... Bucky why are you grabbing a knife?"

He looked at me and back at the knife before putting it in the belt that he was wearing, "I am going out for a little while. I need to hunt before I tear myself apart for not hunting earlier. The knife allows me to not bite it. Because that's disgusting and I hate feeling like... like a monster." Bucky's face changed from emotionless to a disturbed and sad face. "I will be back in an hour. Just keep the windows covered and the doors locked, and do not go outside no matter what. I will tell you it's me when I get back."

"Wait. So, you hardly speak to me in days, and now your just gonna leave?" I blurted out before thinking, I was frustrated. I have all the right to be. If you were gonna tell me last week that in a week from now I would be married off to a vampire, James Buchanan Barnes to be exact, AND was in the middle of a war. I would tell you that you are out of your dammed mind but here I am. "Look, I understand you need to eat but can you please just talk to me? I just want to know that I am not alone here, okay? But, yeah I won't go near windows or open the door unless I know it's you. If I do this, will you promise to just try to talk to me?"

Bucky kept his focus on me, his breaths were loud and fast. Like he was impatient, but he nodded his head "Yeah... I promise. Just don't do anything until I get back." After that one sentence, Bucky walked out the door.

At least I got my point across to him, hopefully later tonight everything here may be a little easier.

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Bucky's POV

My head is pounding... nothing like before. I can feel everything, I can feel my whole body tense up when I am around her, I could feel my heart beating out of my chest so much it hurts. I hear her breathing, her footsteps all throughout the house. I knew everything would go downhill as soon as we got in this house. I had the bright idea of not drinking any blood on the day when we got "married".

I also was just dumb enough to not have any blood bags in the refrigerator here.

I thought I could withstand being in that house with her... stay away from her until Steve or Peggy showed. I thought I could have fought the urge to drink her blood if I could. But, I couldn't stand being there any longer. I can't show her I am a monster. So, I did the most logical thing I could have thought of, I left to go hunt for food.

Of course, I wasn't too far away from her, I could run back anytime or if she yelled.

I walked the woods slowly, scanning every tree and the ground for anything that remotely looked like tracks.

I would be happy with anything. Deer, Squirrel, rabbit, anything that could quench my thirst.

I walked towards a stream when I finally see two deer taking a drink. I slowly approach the deer, drawing the kitchen knife out. I should have brought my actual knife for this but this would be fine.

The deer didn't see me, not yet.

I through my knife at the deer, and the knife lodged itself in its chest. Killing it instantly, I walk towards the decreased deer and kneel down. "I am sorry... I just need to eat." I took my knife out and brought my mouth towards the wound and slowly started to suck all the blood I could.

Instantly I could feel my head begin to clear, my ears no longer ringing and my breathing normal.

I just hated feeling like a monster after.

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Your POV

Bucky finally came back after two hours, he came back looking less sickly and better alive. I was washing the dishes and he looked at me. He smiled his usual smile the only difference was there was a red spot near the corner of his mouth.

"Uh... I think you got blood on the corner of your mouth." I pointed at the spot for Bucky and he wiped it off.

I don't think I would ever get used to that. The blood.

"Yeah....um, I am really sorry for the past few days. I wasn't feeling good and I didn't want to hurt you in any way." Bucky spoke and sat in the chair beside the sink. The chair I placed so when I wanted a break from cooking I would sit there and think back on how life was before all of this happened.

"It's okay, I should have figured it out that you got hungry. I just didn't know that it would affect you this much. I thought eating regular food would help. " I replied back to Bucky turning the sink off and facing him. He looks at me and takes his jacket off, "Eating regular food does but it just doesn't help much."

So, eating food does help his cravings. That's good to know for next time. If there would be a next time at least.

"Bucky can I ask you something and you won't get mad?" He gives me a shrug, "You know you can ask me anything."

I take a deep breath, "It's about your nightmares... What happened to you? What did they do to you?" Bucky looks at me and back at his arm. "You don't have to tell me if you don't want to, I just want to understand." I take a step away to go to the room, but before I could walk past Bucky I could feel a gentle grasp on my arm.

"You deserve to know... You deserve to know why I am the Winter Soldier."

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