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#wish me luck i've got less than five days to finish
stressedlawsecretary · 2 months
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Today's Focus
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01.25.24 - Okay I am incredibly upset at how my self-care got pushed off and rushed yesterday, but I am a genius and decided on a heatless curl trick for my hair when I went to bed. See, I don't use heat on my poor fragile hair, so if I shower too late at night I go to bed with wet/damp hair, which is bad. I was just damp enough last night to take a few of my knee socks and use them as heatless curlers; by separating the hair and using something fabric I can take out more of the moisture while I sleep. And you know what? I think I did actually get some waves out of the whole thing.
Work - I got information pertaining to a defendant in one of JMK's cases yesterday, so I have to call her and see if she has an email address, and if not I have to physically mail the complaint to her for markup (which is why I waited until today to tackle this.) Other than that I think I have one efile to check and them I'm free, except I should probably meet with SJC to talk about filing. Oh look, something resembling work to do lol.
Background Noise - Okay I'm starting today with 114 on the Watch later; I have not added too many and I'm knee deep in the >20 min videos so I've slowed down consumption but I'm also now doing more documentary-type videos and less random chatting about topics.
I did a total of eight (8) videos yesterday, including Coffeezilla's one on the Rebel creator scam, and I'm trying to do a total of 14 videos today. Wish me luck!
Study - It is Thursday so it is book reading day; on that note, I'm going to try and read a couple of chapters of both The 16th Round and A Short History of Paper Money & Banking. I also want to continue my deep dives: climate policy, the Horizon IT scandal, and education policy. I finished the FBI report on the murder of Emmett Till; now I'm just reading random articles and links I saved while I did all that.
Yesterday, I managed to:
Complete the FBI report on the murder of Emmett Till
Read 15 articles on climate policy
Read an article on the Horizon IT scandal
Read five (5) articles on education policy
Read five (5) random articles I picked up
Get about 6 hrs off the DVR, mostly made up of Jeopardy episodes, and a couple long news programs.
Extras - Chores consist of the catbox and taking out the trash today. Dinner should continue to be simple. No thanks to yesterday, I have some more writing I'm going to work on, and I have to update some Spotify playlists, but I have stuff here at work to do too: change my cubicle décor, update my dry erase calendar, and go through my work email and re-sort it (archive & delete stuff from >6 mo ago).
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I have so much to say
1.) The first dream I've remembered in ages has presented me with a new book idea. It provided two and a half characters, a vivid setting, and a horse that died. Not how I wanted to wake up Monday morning.
2.) I haven't showered in five days. I feel unclean but am in no mood to get in the shower. I should probably wash my hair.
3.) I absolutely despise JK Rowling. Why? Well, she's a hypocritical, discriminative bitch. Fucking transphobe can leave me the fuck alone.
4.) I love the Harry Potter books. I have started tons of FanFiction, never finished any, and am very excited for the TV show to come out. Because of JK Rowling and myself being genderfluid, I really, really, really wish I could just restrict myself from Harry Potter but I can't. (Please don't come at me with the, "Oh, you're just not trying hard enough." Fuck off, if that's your thought process.)
5.) I desperately want to go to my favorite restaurant, but they're never open when I can go. I grew up there. Daniella, René, and Sabrina are like family to me and Aidan may as well be my brother.
6.) I have to get up early tomorrow morning. I do not want to, but that's how the game is played I guess. Get up early for conditioning, wait, wait, wait until practice in the evening. Then play my tournament this weekend and repeat the process.
7.) My mental health is getting worse. Like, it could be so much worse, but this is probably one of the worst it has been in my lifetime. Though, that isn't really saying too much. I'm either not eating enough healthy and too much unhealthy or more or less not eating at all. I'm dehydrated too and have absolutely not motivation to do anything I don't have to, and even then it is a bit touch and go.
8.) I got my bike tires aired up and have been riding that a lot. Waiting until I can go further than just down the street and back. Riding the bike is freeing. I'm so focused on pedaling and the strokes of my feet that I completely forget to actually think; it's nice.
9.) I got another freedom taken away from me today because I wanted to listen to music outside of the house. It's incredibly frustrating when all I was trying to do was cope with my mental health issues. My mom and dad just don't seem to understand.
10.) I am writing this on borrowed time. Because I had my previous freedom taken away, it's only a matter of time before this disappears too. Wish me luck, I suppose.
11.) I feel very ungrateful for writing this. Like, I know I shouldn't because everyone deserves to vent. But I do feel guilty. I feel ungrateful and guilty and like I should be better than this. Part of the issue I suppose.
12.) I have a new OTP. Steve Rogers and Bucky Barnes. Very sweet, and I love them both. Let's just say that my dirty af mind has come up with some interesting situations. And that's saying the least. I guess it's just writer's brain. I really, really, really wish there was a different ending to Avengers: Endgame because it would've fit his character arch so much better. I mean, come on, going back to see a woman that he saw die and then dated her niece? Pretty sure that doesn't fit Cap at all. But coming back, running up to Bucky and pulling him in for a hug (and a kiss*wink wink*) seems to fit Steven Grant "Even when I had nothing, I had Bucky" Rogers pretty well. Prove me wrong.
13.) I hope everyone has a better day then I am having today!
(yes, I stopped at 13 on purpose)
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twoidiotwriters1 · 3 years
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June, 1976 (WITT One-Shot)
A/N: If you want to remain in the taglist pls interact with this one-shot even if you haven’t read book 4-5 yet. A like or a comment is fine, the people who don’t want to continue reading obvsly do not interact and I’ll delete from the taglist :) -Danny
Words: 2,590
Series’ Masterlist
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Emily was tired, but she'd spent all day overthinking and she was done, it was time to grow up.
She could hear Lily Evans' voice ushering Severus Snape away, he'd been coming around for several hours during the day trying to apologize, but he'd finally crossed a line.
"It's not your fault, you know?"
Matthew's voice caught her attention, he'd stopped at the foot of the stairs, one hand propped on the wall.
"Snape and Evans have been fighting for months now, I think it's because of what he's been doing with the Slytherins... you know, the cult stuff."
Emily averted her gaze to the fireplace.
"I know..."
Matthew hesitated, he'd promised himself that he wouldn't go back to being Emily's therapist, but something was different this time, it wasn't her usual kind of sulking.
"Are you okay?"
She looked at him over her shoulder and frowned.
"I'm not the one who got called 'mudblood' by a close friend."
"No, you weren't," He admitted. "Which is why it's so strange to see you all sad."
"I'm not sad."
"Is this about James?"
He didn't want to know, but alas, he'd asked.
"No," She made a face. "I don't think I care about him that way anymore."
"It's easier said than done," Matthew crossed his arms, his shoulder now leaning on the archway of the stairs.
"What do you want, Ruddy?" Emily groaned.
"I don't want anything from you," The boy replied. "But I have the feeling that you need to talk."
"I do," She said. "Not with you, though."
Matt nodded, he sighed.
"Good luck, then, have a good night."
"'Night."
Emily watched him disappear up the stairs, she didn't know why, but the memory of his burning gaze before he kissed her came back then, his intense determination as he held her closer... That moment Emily had found herself unable to move away, to say no. She wished she had his courage to just do stuff even when he was intimidated by them, she needed that kind of bravery tonight.
Lily Evans entered the tower two minutes later, Emily stood up abruptly and the redhead came to a halt.
For a moment none of them spoke, then Lily's face showed tons of fatigue.
"What now? Is it your turn to call me a stuck-up bore because I didn't agree to go out with Potter?"
Emily shifted her weight from one foot to the other.
"Can we talk?" She asked shyly. "I promise it's not a trick... I'm sorry."
Emily's behaviour towards her was usually hostile, tonight her voice was gentle, and even a little afraid.
"You're sorry?"
"I don't expect you to believe me," Emily continued, lowering her gaze. "I know you and Snape were close — I don't understand how can you like him... listen I suck at apologies, can't you just say it's alright so we can go to bed?"
Lily crossed her arms, standing straighter.
"No, I think I want you to try harder."
Emily groaned, she sat down heavily and started to think her words carefully, Lily inched closer.
"Boys can be cruel when they're not thinking — Anyone, really... I've been brutal myself — Matthew and I almost stopped being friends a few months ago, because I don't like talking about my feelings," She laughed dryly. "I don't know what is it about today that it just... I don't want to be a tormentor my whole life, let alone to someone who is... tolerable. I'm sorry for making your life a living hell these past few years."
Lily sat down, although she kept the seat between them empty to keep some distance.
"You didn't make my life a living hell," She replied. "I... can admit you're a bit clever... even likeable — that last match when you threw Lewis a bludger after he called you a midget... it was kind of funny."
"The boys walked me everywhere that week, they thought Ernest was going to try and get back at me," Emily bit her lip, but she was now smiling. "I mean, I lived in fear for days! Thinking he would spike my drink at some point with poison or something... Until Matthew cornered him outside D.A.D.A. class one day, poor Lewis... he looked so small in comparison..."
"Anyone looks small next to Matthew, he's a giant," Lily grinned. "Well, if it's any consolation, I was planning on murdering you in a much classier manner than poison, but since you've apologized, I guess I won't have to kill you after all."
Emily snorted, her eyes lingered on Lily, who looked like she'd been crying for most of the day, and yet still had enough energy to sit down and talk with the girl she'd detested for the last four years.
"Why are you being nice?" She asked in annoyance. "I mean I'm glad you're kind of accepting my apology, but I thought you'd be a bit colder, walking away before I could even finish..."
"What kind of person do you think I am?" Lily raised a brow, with the orange light coming from the fireplace her green eyes looked far more intense than usual. "If I'm honest, you should thank Remus... he's tried to convince me that you lot are far better than you look..."
Emily sighed, when she was young she'd do mischief for fun, but now that she was older, and considering all the weird stuff that was happening outside the school, she was starting to think that maybe her group of friends were indeed changing for the best.
"I'm going to be honest with you too, Evans," The girl took a deep breath. "Being the only girl in my friend group is turning out to be pure torture. I'm in desperate need of a girlfriend."
Lily's mouth twitched a bit, but she didn't laugh.
"What makes you think I want to be your friend?"
"Oh, I don't think you want to," She raised a brow. "But maybe if we're on good terms I'd be able to ask you for a tampon without having to swallow my pride first."
Lily did laugh at this, she shook her head. "Holy Merlin, Sultens, you're loopy."
"You would be too if you were seated next to Sirius every day!" She paused. "So... are you willing to make peace?"
Lily examined her carefully, four long years of quarrels sat between them, but a lifetime of friendship could be ahead if Emily was truly sorry. She was a nice girl, and really smart too, she was annoying only when she was taunting Severus, and he was no longer her friend.
Lily stretched out her hand.
"Very well, but if you go back the deal is over and we'll be less than strangers, understood?"
"Sure."
She retreated her hand before Emily could grab it.
"Hang on — this is not Potter's idea, right? You're not trying to be my friend just so I date him later?"
"Lily, if anything I hope you and James never date," Emily snickered. "Nothing personal, you're just way too good for him."
"...Alright."
They shook hands, she'd meant what she said about it not being personal. James was a boy, a very silly one at that, and even though they were really close friends, Emily was no longer a blind supporter of his doings.
Funnily enough, this seemed to be related to Matthew, she couldn't stop thinking about that kiss! Merlin, he was a good kisser...
She shook the thought away, now was not the time for nonsense.
"I'm very honoured to be your acquaintance, Evans," Emily grinned.
"Call me Lily. Only Professors call me Evans... and Potter, but you know I hate that."
"Got it, Lils."
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July 1996
"...I don't think this is right," Mel tilted her head. "Brownies are mean to be brown... not pitch-black."
"You burned them," Harry was standing behind them with his arms crossed, clearly upset.
"How could you burn them, Erick? They were in there for five minutes!"
"Are you sure..." Erick stabbed the mixture with a knife and made a face. "Ugh — they're still liquid in the middle!"
"How the fuck did you do this?"
"I thought it would work just the same if I doubled the heat and put less time," Erick sulked. "Ovens are weird."
"This is why we told you to stay out of it," Harry replied. "You don't know how muggle stuff work."
"I do know!"
"Then why did you burn the brownies?"
"Don't fight," Mel intervened, grabbing the platter and throwing its contents away. "Oh well, at least we ruined my birthday cake and not someone else's..."
"That's not okay," Harry frowned. "You should have a proper cake."
Mel looked at him and grinned. "I'll eat yours, then."
"How's everything going in here?" Emily walked in, behind her Lupin followed.
"Uncle Lu!" Mel rushed over to his side and hugged him, the man chuckled. "You came!"
"Well, hadn't been around for your birthday in a long time, I thought you'd like it," He said, lovingly patting her back.
"I do," She beamed. "We kind of ruined the cake, though, so we should buy doughnuts or something."
"It's a good thing I brought this, then," Lupin lifted his bag and placed it on the table, inside there was a beautifully adorned red velvet cake.
"You just saved my birthday!"
Harry and Erick shared a moody expression and grumbled complaints, Lupin laughed.
"The kids insisted on doing the cakes this year," Emily explained. "I told them it was not an easy job, but they insisted."
"Mel and I have done this before, Erick was the one who wanted to be in charge when he can't even make tea without magic," Harry glared at him.
"Muggles stuff are too complicated, alright?" He huffed.
"I don't mind," Mel said without paying attention to them, she was still beyond happy with her uncle's presence. "I wanted to give my mum a break, Leggie's been a bit hard to handle lately..."
"Is he?" Lupin looked at the little boy Emily was holding. "Is he ill?"
"No, he just cries a lot," The woman sighed. "Wakes us up every night."
"I thought that forcing my mother to bake when she's clearly too tired to be doing anything apart from feeding a baby was a crime," Mel stated. "So I took care of it."
"Then Flint messed it up," Harry taunted.
"And then you fixed it, Uncle Moony," The girl smiled. "So there's no harm done, right boys?"
She looked over her shoulder, raising a brow as if urging them to stop bickering before they embarrassed her in front of Lupin. Both mumbled their agreement, not quite meeting her eyes.
"Lovely," Mel looked back at the adults. "Who wants lunch?"
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Mel and Erick were in the kitchen talking in hurried whispers, she appeared to be upset, the young man too. Emily and Remus were in the drawing-room, Harry was upstairs changing Reg's diaper.
"Do you know why they're arguing?" Remus asked, staring at the pair.
"Dumbledore came by this morning before breakfast," Emily sighed, leaning her head back on the couch. "Talked about this mission he had for Erick — you know how eager to help that boy is... so of course the old man came and put his offer on a silver platter, and Mel won't let Erick go on his own, so being the generous soul Dumbledore is," She said sarcastically, "He said she could go too if she wanted to."
"Really?" Remus frowned. "Well... he's been giving her lessons for years, Mily, perhaps he knows she can handle it."
"I don't care," She said bluntly. "That's my daughter, my daughter. Matt's daughter. How can he continue to risk my family's life like it's nothing?"
"You know Matthew did all he that because he wanted to, Dumbledore had nothing to do with his decisions."
"I know," Emily took a deep breath. "But he's got a lot to do with Mel's... she idolizes him."
"You think so?" The man looked over his shoulder again, staring at his goddaughter.
"I don't see why else she'd be so keen to follow his orders..."
"Maybe because she feels guilty?" Remus offered. "After what happened in the ministry..."
Emily pressed her lips together, she didn't want to talk about that.
"That's not her fault and she knows it. I told her it wasn't."
"You weren't there," He said gravely. "She went out of control. I had never seen anything like it, her magic was dark— I mean that literally. All the spells she did came out pitch-black. Dumbledore was the only one who could put a stop to it."
Emily's eyes grew worried, she looked over her shoulder as well and her gaze landed on Mel.
"You think it could be the same thing that Ariana Dumbledore had? That disease?"
"No one knows what happened to her," Remus said. "Not even Matthew knew, and he was part of the family... but it could be. Maybe Dumbledore knows something we don't, maybe this will help her... perhaps she needs this."
Emily stayed silent for a moment, then she groaned.
"I hate that we're always meant to trust him blindly."
"He's lived a hundred years, he might be wiser than all of us, don't you think?"
The woman scoffed, she looked ahead, deep in thought.
"A hundred years... Matthew couldn't even make it to twenty-one! James and Lily barely did... Sirius spent twelve years in Azkaban — But at least we all knew how the war looked like then, Remus. We fought for years... my daughter just turned sixteen, she still goes to school!"
"And yet she's already done her fair amount of fighting," The man raised a brow. "We didn't have the experiences she's gone through when we were her age. I stand with Dumbledore, she can do this."
"I'm not saying she can't," Emily grabbed the empty plates to take them to the kitchen. "I'm saying she shouldn't have to sacrifice her youth. Dumbledore asks for too much, I'm sure he's got someone else that could help him with the mission, but he's obsessed with making Mel his perfect copy."
Remus didn't try to argue back, little could convince Emily at this point, she'd never been a fan of Dumbledore, and after Matt's death it was no secret that she openly disliked him, but she still followed his orders, because she knew Dumbledore was the only chance they had to win this war.
Mel and Erick entered the room, neither of them angry, which made Remus think they had reached an agreement.
"I should leave," The man stood up. "Leon's been quiet, maybe Harry managed to make him sleep."
"Or maybe he's just playing with him," Emily stood up as well. "Really, I never thought Harry would get so attached to a baby..."
"I'll miss you, Uncle Lu, I hope to see you soon," Mel said, her eyes avoiding to look into Erick's direction.
"Me too, little Em," Remus hugged her tightly, he whispered in her ear. "Be good to your mother, alright?"
Mel looked at him with confusion, but she nodded anyway.
"So?" Emily crossed her arms. "What are you going to do?"
The young witch stared at her mother, Remus knew that expression. It was true and very strange, how she could have her dad's gaze even though her eyes were exactly like her mother's, but he knew that look, he'd seen it in Matt the last time they had spoken. Mel was done being a kid.
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Taglist.
@dee123ksha @vampiregirl1797 @siriuslysirius1107 @stardusthigh @mikariell95 @vernon-dursley @thesuitelifeofafangirl @tomshollandz @wlwmaximoff @reverse-hxlland @omiwashere @t-rexs-world @just-here-to-escape-from-reality @21bruhs @i-am-scared-and-useless-bisexual @dielgonacoffee​ @thelastpyle @hamiltonwc
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inkedstarlight · 3 years
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Bittersweet: Chapter Nine
Summary: Cassian and Nesta finally meet. Officially, this time. Let the romance commence. Notes: Read it here on AO3! Warnings: very brief/non-explicit mention of sexual assault Bittersweet Masterlist
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“Earth to Nesta?”
Nesta snapped from her trance to see Emerie waving a hand in front of her face.
“You’ve been cleaning the same spot for a good ten minutes,” Emerie gestured to where Nesta was scrubbing the counter with a towel. It was squeaky clean.
Nesta let go of the towel and cleared her throat. “My bad.”
Emerie pulled out the chair on the other side of the counter and sat down. It was eleven in the evening on a Monday, and they had just closed. The only other person in Rita’s was Lucien, and he was doing dishes in the back.
“You’ve been acting weird for the past two weeks,” Emerie stated blatantly. Her stare was unwavering. “And you’ve lost at least ten pounds.”
The incidence with Tomas happened two weeks ago. Nesta was doing a pretty good job of moving on with her life all things considered. She felt like shit, but she hadn’t missed a single shift at work. That had to count for something.
But she should’ve known Emerie would notice. She was like a fucking hawk, that girl. She saw everything.
When Nesta didn’t say anything, Emerie shrugged and got up from the stool. “At least try a little harder,” she said, referring to the coworkers’ challenge to get the most tips. She shot Nesta a sad look. “Thesan is beating you. Thesan.”
Nesta mustered a laugh. Thesan wasn’t great with customers, that was common knowledge. Neither Emerie nor Nesta were people persons, but they knew how to turn it on for customers. Thesan, on the other hand, didn’t make much of an effort. It wasn’t that he was intentionally rude, the guy was just quiet in nature. In fact, he was quite a sweetheart.
Which was why it was quite entertaining to watch Thesan and Helion interact. Where Thesan was an introvert, Helion was loud as hell. Not to mention it was clear that Thesan was crushing on him. But unfortunately, Helion flirted with every living, breathing thing and was thus completely oblivious. During Nesta’s first week at Rita’s, Emerie had spilled all the tea about their coworkers. Thesan was head over heels in love with Helion, Helion had never been in a monogamous relationship, and Viviane… well, Viviane had her own little love story. A complicated one at that.
His name was Kallias. They grew up together, from scheming little kids to rebellious teenagers to young adults. Best friends since they could remember.
Because Emerie grew up in the same small town as them, she knew everything. They all went to school together. She knew that Kallias had been in love with Viviane since freshman year of high school. She knew that Viviane felt the same way, but she would never admit it thanks to the hell she was put through during her childhood. Nesta didn’t know the specifics, and she never asked.
It also didn’t help that Viviane was in a relationship with someone else. They’d been together for almost two years. Emerie thought Viviane deserved better, that he wasn’t a very good person.
Anyway, Kallias visited Rita’s nearly every weekend after his shift at the fire station to grab a drink and more importantly, see Viviane.
Nesta thought it was ridiculous. She’d told Emerie as much when she’d brought Nesta up to date on their coworkers’ lives. Why wouldn’t they just admit they loved each other and get on with it already? It was pretty fucking simple; they were just making it complicated for themselves. Emerie wholeheartedly agreed and the pair then went on an hour long rant on the idiocy of romantic relationships.
And if she was being honest, Nesta didn’t care much about these people. Sure, they were respectable but they were a temporary fixture in her life. Once she secured a job in her career field, she was going to leave them all behind.
“We should get a drink sometime. Outside of work,” Emerie clarified with a look of disgust. “I’m sick of it here.”
Nesta knew that was a lie based on the relationship Emerie had with Rita and her wife. But she didn’t say that.
“Maybe,” Nesta responded distractedly, desperate to think of an excuse. It wasn’t that she didn’t like Emerie; no, Nesta liked her coworker. She just couldn’t muster the energy to go out with friends or socialize like that. “I’m pretty busy right now though.”
Emerie narrowed her eyes and scrutinized her.
“Stop analyzing me.”
“Don’t tell me what to do.”
Emerie sighed and receded. She hesitated before saying quietly, “Is… is this the part when I ask if you’re okay and we get all deep and explore a new level of our friendship?”
Nesta slowly met her friend’s gaze. They stared at one another for several moments.
Then, they burst out laughing.
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The next morning, Nesta was brewing her third cup of coffee when Elain padded into the kitchen.
“Good morning,” Elain yawned as a greeting. She wore bunny slippers and an oversized hoodie. Elain only had one evening class on Tuesdays, so today was her only day - save for the weekend - to sleep in.
“Hey, kiddo.”
“How long have you been up?”
Nesta glanced at the clock. It was nine-thirty. She’d woken up at six after a sleepless night of tossing and turning.
But she simply shrugged instead. “Not long.”
Nesta poured the coffee into her mug, sitting back down at the counter. She watched as Elain bustled around the kitchen, scrambling eggs and slicing fruit. The morning light spilled through the dusty kitchen sink window, bars of sunshine reflecting off the tiled floors. Iroh basked in the sunspots, his black fur glistening as his chartreuse eyes blinked closed.
Elain and Nesta hadn’t spent much time together in the past couple weeks. It was Nesta’s doing, of course. She was actively avoiding her sister and everyone else. After Elain had tried to talk to Nesta after the whole thing with Tomas, she stopped asking Nesta if she was okay. Nesta assumed that Elain realized she wasn’t going to get an answer, that there wasn't really a point in trying.
But Gods, Nesta fucking missed her. And even though she wanted nothing more than to retreat to her bedroom as she sat there in the kitchen, she didn’t move from the chair.
You need them as much as they need you, her father’s voice echoed in her head.
Guilt stabbed at her chest.
“How’re classes going?” Nesta asked quietly. Elain looked at her over her shoulder with a surprised yet pleasant smile.
“Great! I’m so grateful to be at such a great college, but…” Elain bit her lip, hesitating. “My bio lab is going to be the death of me."
“You know you’re allowed to complain, right?”
Elain just gave her a smile. “Yeah, I know. It's just, considering where I was a year ago, I couldn't be happier to finally be enrolled in such a prestigious program. Even if that means the classes are brutal."
I wish I was like you. I take everything for granted.
“And have you made any friends?”
Elain had started school at Pryth U months ago and yet Nesta had no idea if she even had friends yet.
Selfish bitch.
A fond smile broke out on Elain’s face. “Yes, I have this really great group of friends: Lucien, Ressina, and Varian. It's just the four of us, but we've gotten really close.”
Nesta asked Elain more questions before excusing herself back to her room, claiming she was going to try to write today, to which Elain squealed and wished her luck.
Nesta hadn't written since their dad died. Prior to his death, she would write nearly every day. She'd been working on a novel for years. The plot had came to her in middle school, and it just grew from there. She'd never told anyone about it. Everyone knows how fucking hard it is to get your writing published, much less get high ratings. Nesta wasn't even sure if she was going to finish it. This was the longest she'd gone without writing or editing it. And she had a feeling that she wouldn't ever go back to it.
Dread filled her stomach as she thought of that prospect. What the fuck was she doing with her life?
Nesta’s phone buzzed, and she fished it out of her back pocket.
 Incoming call from Feyre Archeron.
It kept buzzing, Nesta merely stared at her sister's name on her screen. She couldn't think of a single reason why Feyre would be calling. But she pressed "Accept" before it could go to voicemail.
“Hello?”
“Hey.”
Silence.
“Uh, what’s up?” Nesta asked. She collapsed onto her unmade bed. Iroh scampered past the door and jumped on the bed with her. He didn't waste a minute curling himself around her head.
"I was calling to see… maybe, I don’t know… uh, would you want to come to dinner tonight?”
I was not expecting that. And Nesta was about 95% sure this was Elain’s doing.
“Why?”
“I want you there," Feyre told her as if it were obvious.
“Why?” Nesta asked again. She hadn't seen Feyre since Thanksgiving despite her sister living just on the outskirts of the city.
That had been weeks ago.
“It's complicated," Feyre responded quietly. She seemed to pause before finding the words. "I've been so worried about Cassian, we all have. He'd never been deployed for that long - five months. It was scary. I guess I took that out on you. I don't know why..."
She drifted off. Nesta held her breath.
"I'm sure Elain told you, but he's home now. I've been more myself since he returned, and I want you to come to dinner. I… miss you.”
She rubbed her temple. “I don’t know, Feyre.”
I don't know if I can pretend to be okay for an entire night. I don't know if you even fucking want me there or if you just feel obligated. I don't know if I can be in the same room as your douchebag boyfriend. I don't know if I can be surrounded by your friends, most of whom seem to dislike me. I don't know if I can behave like a normal fucking person.
I don't know.
“Please?” The plea was soft, quiet. It was like she was almost desperate. But for what?
Nesta looked out the window where a blue jay - their dad's favorite bird - was perched on a bare tree branch. The leaves had long ago fallen, leaving the world naked and vulnerable. “Yeah, I’ll be there.”
-------------------------
Feyre embraced her with an awkward hug when Nesta and Elain walked into the house. Nesta patted her on the back lightly, uncomfortable with the physical touch. Luckily, no one else seemed incline to embrace her. Rhys actually seemed to make sure he was as far away as possible.
Elain, on the other hand, gave everyone a hug. Mor gave a laugh as she squeezed Elain back, Aurra watching them with a smile. Interestingly enough, when Elain greeted Azriel with a hug, his tanned cheeks glowed red. It was almost imperceptible, but Nesta noticed.
Feyre took a step back to assess her. Nesta could see the judgement in her sister's eyes as she took in Nesta's noticeably thinner body. Luckily, however, she wasn't given the chance to comment on it when Elain piped up, "Where's Cassian? Nesta still hasn't met him yet."
"He's running a bit late," Rhys answered, glancing down at his phone. "Should be here in about ten minutes."
Everyone began to make their way into the dining room and Nesta followed. However, she was quickly tugged to the side when Amren swooped in out of nowhere and basically dragged Nesta into the privacy of the hallway. She stopped, crossed her arms over her chest, and glared at Nesta.
“Where have you been?” Amren demanded.
"What do you mean?" Nesta asked, playing dumb.
She hadn't spoken to Amren in a long time, even though they had each others' numbers. Even though Amren had repeatedly texted her, asking to get coffee or go for a walk or something else of the sorts. All of which went unanswered.
Amren rolled her eyes, and Nesta was convinced they went to the back of her head for a good minute. "Don't play dumb with me, Nesta."
“I don’t know, working?"
"Is that a question?" Amren rose a deadly brow.
Nesta huffed and mirrored Amren's angry stance. "Why are you interrogating me?"
“Because you've been radio silent for weeks. I had to ask Elain if you were still fucking alive," Amren explained. Then, she leaned in close like she didn't want anyone to hear. "I was worried about you, you bitch."
Nesta let out a sigh. "I'm sorry, okay? I've been busy. I do want to hang out, it's just that..." she trailed off.
"What? It's just that what?"
Nesta stared at the floor, unable to form words.
"Nesta, are you okay?" Amren asked, her voice softer.
Just tell her. Fucking tell her.
I was almost raped.
Just the thought was enough to make Nesta want to puke. She couldn't, it was too much and she wouldn't even be able to fucking say it and it's her fault, all her fault.
She breathed in through her nose and looked back up at Amren. She shot her the most fake smile she'd ever given. "I'm good. Seriously, I just got busy. It won't happen again."
Nesta saw the skepticism in Amren's eyes. But she conceded with a small sigh. "Well, don't do it again, okay? I seriously thought you were fucking murdered or some shit."
Nesta just nodded. Amren looked at her once more before gesturing with her chin back to the dining room. Nesta followed her.
When they rounded the corner, she stopped dead in her tracks.
Because sitting next to Feyre was the man who had tried to break into her apartment.
“Nesta!" Feyre exclaimed, calling her over from where she sat. "This is Cassian. Cassian, this is my sister, Nesta.”
Nesta simply stared at him like a deer in headlights and he stared at her, his lips parted in surprise. He was wearing a grey sweater, his long hair hanging down, no longer in a bun like it was the last time. He tucked it behind one ear.
"Are you stalking me or something?" Nesta said incredulously.
"I could ask you the same," Cassian retorted cheekily.
Feyre looked between them, a confused expression written on her face. "Do you guys know each other or something?"
"Something like that," Nesta mumbled.
Everyone's eyes were on them as they waited for an answer.
"Well as everyone knows, I live in the same building as Nesta and Elain," Cassian explained, waving a hand to the two sisters. "The other night, I got stupid drunk with a friend. He drove me back to my place and me, drunk off my fucking ass, tried to get into their apartment thinking it was mine."
The entire room erupted into laughter, Rhys choking on his food and Azriel looking up as if reasoning with the Gods.
"So when Nesta opened the door," Cassian continued, "she nearly beat me to death with a baseball bat."
Another round of laughter.
"Overreact much?"
Everyone's eyes flew to where Nesta sat. They seemed shocked. Nesta was too.
She didn't know why she said it, why she let it bother her. He was just so fucking frustrating, even his mere presence.
Cassian stuck his tongue out at her.
Feyre interrupted, her jaw agape. "You guys are acting like children."
Nesta got quiet after that. The conversation continued, thankfully taking the attention off her. As everyone laughed and conversed, Cassian looked over at her. His smile disappeared when he met Nesta's gaze. She just stared back at him, lips in a thin line. He seemed to try to gauge her reaction carefully, but her face was blank.
And so the night went on. Nesta didn't say another word after what happened. She avoided eye contact with Cassian. Avoided conversation with everyone.
It was half past eight when they all began clearing their dishes. Mor, Aurra, Azriel, and Cassian were all gathered in the kitchen cleaning up. Feyre and Rhys had excused themselves. It was just Nesta and Elain who remained in the dining room.
“I need to go to the bathroom,” Nesta leaned over to whisper to Elain.
Elain nodded. "We'll head out right after, yeah?" She must've noticed the exhaustion in Nesta's face.
Nesta agreed, excusing herself from the table.
She walked down the hallway, peeking through every door to find the bathroom. She was about to push through a door on the left that was slightly cracked open when she heard voices coming from within.
“I’m worried about him. He’s not the same.” It was Feyre.
“He never is when he comes home, Feyre," Rhys said dejectedly. "It’s happened before. Cass just needs time.”
Cass.
Nesta tiptoed closer to the door, just enough for her to listen.
“No, what he needs is to see someone!”
“I’ve tried. He doesn’t want to go.”
“Try harder, Rhys!” Feyre cried, her tone frustrated.
“We can’t just force him to go, okay?”
“Are you seeing what I’m seeing? Do you even notice how lost your own fucking brother is? Do you even care?!”
Silence.
“Rhysand, I’m sorry. Gods, I’m so sorry. I know you care. More than anyone. I just… I don’t want to lose him.”
She heard them both breathing deeply.
“C’mere,” Rhys murmured. Nesta heard Feyre's footsteps as she presumably walked toward him.
“We’ll figure it out, okay?”
“Together.”
“Always, Feyre darling.”
They got quiet, probably embracing each other. Nesta crept away from their bedroom door and into the bathroom before they could find her.
------------------------------------
Elain and Nesta had just unlocked their apartment door when Nesta groaned. “Oh, shit, I forgot my wallet in the car." She fished around in her bag to make sure it wasn't in there. "I’ll be right back.”
"I'll leave the door unlocked," Elain called behind her as Nesta made her way to the elevator.
She stepped between the doors, hitting the button for the parking garage. Gods, she just wanted to go to sleep. The night had been exhausting.
After a minute or so, she was approaching her car. She unlocked her door and grabbed her wallet that was in the middle console when a pair of headlights flashed past her, a car pulling into the spot next to her.
Before panic could set in, Nesta recognized who was driver the car through the window.
Cassian.
His car turned off and he emerged from the driver's door just a moment later. He looked over where Nesta was clutching her wallet to her chest staring at him. He gave her a tight-lipped smile before turning away and walking towards the elevator. Nesta had no choice to follow.
She walked just a few feet behind him as they made their way to the elevator.
"I'm sorry," Cassian told her, his voice sincere. He cast a concerned glance her way. "For embarrassing you at dinner. And if I scared you that night."
"You didn't embarrass me," Nesta snapped at him. "You were just being annoying as hell."
His entire body seemed to relax at her insult. Cassian tried to hide his smirk but failed. "I'm glad to see you're still your normal, hotheaded self. You got me worried at dinner with your stoic behavior."
Now she really glared at him. "Don't talk like you know me. You don't."
"Oh, sweetheart," he teased. "I think we're more similar than you think."
She scoffed. "I think that hubris of yours will be your downfall."
"You know, it's quite sexy when you use literary devices to insult me," he joked.
Nesta froze.
Was he coming onto her? Chills ran down her spine when she thought of the last time a man expressed interest in her.
It's not the same, she tried to convince yourself. He's not Tomas.
Cassian must've expected a heated response to his comment because he looked surprised when Nesta simply stared straight ahead. She seemed to be in a world of her own, oblivious to everything around her. Any trace of anger was gone, replaced by a cool indifference.
Cassian's face fell. "Nesta, I didn't mean to - "
He was cut off as the elevator door dinged opened and Nesta swiftly walked out.
-------------------------------
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livelovelaug-h · 5 years
Text
Irreplaceable you pt 1
Sam x reader
Summary- inspired by the movie irreplaceable you. Sickness/cancer and a lot of emotions. Definitely grab a box of tissues.
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You: "What if we stayed in bed all day?"
" That sounds like the best day ever. We should stay here all week."
You: "What if we got bored?"
"Us, bored? When have we ever been bored?"
" What if we got hungry? What would we do for food?
Sam: "Well, we could order takeout and have it delivered right there."
"you know dean would come in and make us get up."
Sam laughs "Stop. Stop worrying."
~~~~~~~
Full disclosure:
I didn't have to worry about any of that, because this is where my story ends. So does yours, by the way. So does everyone's.
It's okay. Really.
Most of it I don't miss at all.
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One with nature.
Really.
Calm. Peaceful.
But then, there's Sam.
Sam was... is the love of my life.
Sams walking to your grave. You narratoring: " Hi, Sam."
Sam by your grave: "Hi, y/n."
But let's start at the beginning.
~~~~~
Even with being a hunter, you were so excited. You were late for your period, it had been a couple weeks late. Now it felt like you were bloated like maybe a baby bump showing.
"Sam?"
"Hey what's up ?" He answers as you walk into the library.
"I kind of have some good news." Siting down next to him.
"oh yeah what's that ?"
You smile big "well... we need to make a doctors appointment. Because... I think I'm pregnant. I haven't had my period for about two months."
His turn to smile real big "really????" You nod.
"This so great, I'm gonna be a dad.!" He hugs you and kissed your forehead then nose and then lips. "And I'm gonna be a mom."
You set up your doctors appointment for about a week later. You were getting some stomach pains. You got up to throw away your wrapper when:. "ah ouchhh".
'Why does this hurt so much.' you thought.
You were waiting for the doctor to come back and confirm your good news !
There's a big picture of a baby inside of a belly showing the insides and sam says
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"that picture makes it look gross and painful."
"that's not helpful!" The doctor comes in:
"I'm so sorry to keep you waiting."
"Um, y/n, I have some difficult news. The blood test shows that you are not pregnant.
Oh. Sam grabs ahold of your hands and squeezes them.
" Are you sure?"
"Yes."
"Oh, okay." It felt like someone just ripped your heart out but you couldn't believe it. Sam started rubbing your arms and hands.
"I guess that's okay. I- I mean, the whole thing was kind of a surprise... Yeah. We probably weren't even ready."
" Right-"
"It-it-it's just.. its weird 'cause, um, I know it's super early but I really feel something there." You say.
"The sonogram shows that you have a mass in your pelvis roughly the size of a tangerine. It can mimic pregnancy."
"A mass?"
"What kind of a mass?" Sam asks. He looked pretty discouraged to.
[Dr. Michaelson] "I don't want you guys to panic, because it couldbe nothing."
There's this moment
when everything changes.
You look back, and there was the moment before.
See that person?
Flashback to a few minutes -
"It's not helpful!"
She's thinking about whether she's hoping for a boy or a girl, and tiny fingers and toes, and then...
[Dr. Michaelson] "I'm so sorry to keep you waiting."
[you] and now Suddenly...
End of flashback
~~~~~~~~
You and Sam were laying down in bed:
"At least we won't have to pay for college." You say.
"Unless it's a really smart tumor... Too soon?" He says.
You sigh "It's too soon."
"A tangerine is better than an orange." You say.
"Or a grapefruit."
"Right. Or, um... What's bigger than a grapefruit?"
both of you say "A watermelon."
Cas can't heal you because he's human so there is really no other option.
.... At the doctors again .....
Did I say that was the moment?
[Dr. Kessler] "It's two tangerines and a grapefruit."
Correction, this is the moment.
"That's a lot of fruit."
[Dr. Kessler] "Uh, the tests have shown that it is cancer. And I know how hard this must be to hear. It's incredibly rare in someone your age. It's just... It's just terrible luck. Now we can talk aboutoptions whenever you're ready."
"Is there one that doesn't involve dying?" You ask.
[Dr. Kessler] "Uh, I-I've already consulted with a colleague, and after the initialsurgery, there's a clinical trial I'd like to enroll you in"
"You didn't answer my question."
Did he answer my question?
[Dr. Kessler] "We don't like to make predictions. But in addition to your treatment, I want to talk to you about your quality of life. Uh, we can help with pain management and some palliative care. And also some people have found great solace from supportgroups. I know this is a terribleshock, but let's take it one day at a time."
You knew you would go out one day probably hunting, but not like this. Not cancer.
"hello yes I would like to cancel my subscription to you guys."
"oh why is that?"
"I just have cancer now so I figured I wouldn't really be exercising."
"oh that's terrible. Are you sure you want to cancel?"
"yes . ... I am."
~~~~~ later that night ~~~~~~
Sam: "how you feeling?"
"I'm scared."
"It's-It's gonna be okay."
"What if I die?"
"We're gonna fight this, I'll always be there for you"
~~~~
Your laying on the floor because They say after surgery there's gonna be some minor discomfort.
It's Stage IV cancer.
Nothing is minor.
Nothing is comfortable.
Your doctor talking :
"So, let's, um, let's take another look at the proposed model for auto-associative memory and its constituent neural network."
'Or not. Let's not and say we did. Class dismissed.' you think.
you're walking to the other clinic and the guy greets me. "Hey."
"Hi."
"How's it going? I'm Dominic."
"y/n, Nice to meet you."
"I'm gonna be running your treatment suite."
"Treatment suite? "
"Oh, yeah, don't get excited. It doesn't even have four walls. Uh, go ahead and grab a seat right there. For the next time, you're probably gonna want to bring your own pillow in from home. You're also gonna need your cell phone with headphones and grab a magazine. Some of these guys tend to hoard 'em. You're gonna end up reading an old ripped up copy of Duck Enthusiast.
"Oh. It's okay, I don't read Duck Enthusiast. "
"Yeah, well, you will. All right, feet up. " he says.
"Uh, yes, you will feel like shit after this, but it's different for everybody. And no, your hair isn't gonna fall out right away. And besides, it looks like you have plenty of it, so you're doing good. Uh, and if you need snacks, you got to bring them from home."
Great. Just great.
You walk into one of the support groups.
"Hey."
"Come on in. We're just getting started. " the girl says. "Go grab yourself a hook and yarn."
One of the people in the group start saying "have you heard of Catholic yoga? It's a full Latin Mass with vinyasa yoga positions, and I come out... "
"You serious? " someone asks. "yeah!"
"How is Estelle holding up?"
"She's good. There's a new hawk in Central Park. Every morning we go out there and watch the little guy. I hope she keeps up the bird-watching after I'm gone. With whatever new guy she's banging.
[laughs]
"Welcome to group." they all say. "It's the way we roll."
" We have fun. "
"Cool." you say. The end of session finishes up and you start walking away when the guy who was talking about the bird calls to you.:
"The whole point is to mingle. "
"Not feeling up to it. " you say.
"Neither does anybody. That's why we do it. Myron. Multiple myeloma. You've never heard of it? Stay a while. " he says.
"I'm not really a mingler. "
"Not a crocheter either, apparently. "
"Didn't have time for pointless hobbies then, really don't have time for them now, and I'm especially uninterested in discovering that crocheting is a metaphor for healing or whatever."
"What you're feeling is totally normal." Myron says.
"You know, I wish people would stop telling me that totally insane things are normal."
"Have you looked around? "
"But you just accept that? You just accept everything that's going on? You make jokes about your wife having a new boyfriend?"
"I don't accept it, but in the event that I do kick the bucket, I hope she does find a boyfriend. Somebody nice. Less well-endowed to be sure, but nice. "
"Well, I just think I am in a different situation. Sam and I met when we were kids, and then started dating 10 years ago."
"How old is he? "
" Thirty-five."
"Yeah, he's gonna go through a major slut phase."
You laugh.
"I also have Tourette's."
You- "Good to know."
"Yeah. You come back."
"Nice to meet you, Myron."
"Nice to meet you, y/n."
"And thanks for the advice. "
" All right"
~~~~~~~~~~~
"Are you gonna go through a slut phase?" You ask Sam.
"What? No. Why would you say that?"
"You're not even thinking about it?"
"That's the absolute furthest thing from my mind right now. It's further than like meeting someone on Tinder." You chuckle.
"Okay, but Tinder can't be that far from your mind because you just said it, which means you had to be thinking about it, which means you're thinking about this too."
"Yeah. I'm busted." Sam says.
"I'm serious. Look at you. The puppy-dog eyes.
"What?"
" This is a disaster. "
Sam: "What are you talking about?"
"You don't know. Because you have no experience. Women are gonna eat you alive."
" I can take care of myself."
"I know But what if you can't? Who's going to get you to go to bed and stop researching? Who's going to make you real food?"
"you don't make me real food."
"Yeah, but I would, hypothetically. "
"Well, our hypothetical food has been in the freezer for like a year." You got up and started near the kitchen.
"What are you doing?"
"Figuring out how to cook a real meal."
"Now?"
"No time like the present."
"How do I cook a chicken?" You say into the phone.
[Siri] Let me think about that.
Okay, I found this on the web for "How do I cook a chicken?"
"It's gonna be amazing."
~~~~~~~~~~
Just 'cause you're dying
doesn't mean your life stops.
Sam has been through so much so maybe if you found him a new girl, he wouldn't think about your passing.
In group support-
"And so, uh, when my numbers came back this time, I just, honestly, I just thought I can't keep fighting."
[Kate] "Jim, you don't have to go there. 'Cause it's all about attitude. "
"Well, let's let Jim have his process."
[Kate] "Oh, absolutely. Yeah. I just think that his process should be more positive. Everyone is entitled to... to be sad."
"Thank you."
"You know what I'm loving these days is meditation. And I... I know it sounds trite, but I just have been feeling so blessed every time I sit there in silence. Maybe you could try that now?
You laugh.
"Or we could laugh."
"That's okay too. "
" Sorry. I'm sorry. Just... Some of these women are so cheesy. "I want to dip you in whipped cream and put my cherry on top." What does that even mean, anatomically speaking?" You ask.
"Using a sundae model as a sexual proposition. It is confusing. I have to s... " Myron says.
"I mean, cherry... cherry's got to be a hymen, right?" You ask.
"Probably a busted hymen." You giggle.
[Kate] "Mm-hmm."
"I... I, um... mine broke on a horse. And me, I was born without one. So... It was my favorite horse, though. " ......
"Okay, uh, that's about it for today. "
~~~~~~~~~~
"Were you sexting just now?" Myron asks while you sitting down looking through tinder.
"Let me have my process." You say.
"Your process is sexting?"
"You're the one who said Sam would go through a slut phase. I thought you were crazy, but then I thought about it more, and he's gonna be a chick magnet. he already is And the worst part is, he's gonna have no idea how to handle it because he's going to be too sad. He hasn't dated to many people in his life. He's gonna be lonely and vulnerable. He already lost his fiance."
"Classic rookie mistake. " Myron states.
"What are you talking about? "
"Thinking you can do something to lessen the loss. There's a word for what you're doing. It's a technical term. You want to know it?"
You: "No, thanks."
"Anticipatory grieving.' Trying to cope with the loss before it happens. So, Meryl over there writes a birthday card to her husband for every year she's gonna be gone, and Jim... makes a video montage of himself as Santa for all the Christmases he's gonna miss with his kids. It doesn't change anything. Look, what do I know? My advice? You're hooking him up, concentrate on a booty. Yours, you know, it's... it's flat."
You laugh "My booty is not flat."
"You have a terrible ass. "
"Fuck you."
"Here, give me that. Oh, you got a match. Sexypants89."
"Okay, let me see that."
~~~~~~~~~~
You started interviewing girls that Sam got a match on from tinder at a coffee shop.
To be continued.
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