Fuck it, here’s some personal shit.
So, last night was a full moon. I never feel like I have energy for my craft, and last night was no different. Usually, I push it off until there’s no point in even doing the working. It’s terrible, and it sucks, and it doesn’t make any sense.
The past few weeks I’ve been putting together a raised bed garden with my partners help. To be honest, though, it was my partners insistence to get me out of the house and get some fresh air and sunshine. I’ve even started some seeds inside the house, some of which have already sprouted. Just need ten more bags of dirt and I can start using the garden outside. While doing this project, one of my partners commented to me that he was surprised how little I went outside for a witch.
And he was entirely right. After the whole debacle with the coven I used to be a part of, my practice went to practically nothing, not just the going outside part. Yeah, I sort of work in the field in a way, but that’s not practicing. So last night, I activated my altar. It was an internal battle. I had waited until really late, and then all I wanted to do was go to sleep. But I kept being pulled back to my study. I kept hearing my own words in my head, that phrase I had mentioned to a friend of mine when I realized I was the one getting in my own way.
“Well, are you a witch, or are you a witch?”
So half past the witching hour, I got started. I couldn’t muster up the energy for anything in depth. Just an activation, almost like a check in. And an offering….
Whooooooooboy, I’m so thrilled because I feel like I’ve grown out of the little shell of what I thought my practice was. I ALWAYS give a mixture of herbs and/or alcohol as an offering. But I’ve been trying to work with Aphrodite more. She’s been calling me ever since I saw that statue at work last year. I’ve left some offerings for her, and even grabbed the prettiest abalone shell I’ve ever seen to be her representation on my altar. Aside from the shell and the booze, she always felt kinda “meh” at my offerings. And yes, I know, I still need to get a special little shot glass just for her because none of mine are pretty enough. Oy vey.
Last night, I got the impression that I needed to offer up something special. REALLY special. And extremely personal. I was to offer up an orgasm. I made me up a little bed right in front of the altar. My thoughts were to be direct and use no external help *cough cough*no toys *cough cough*.
I felt so awkward at first. Not because I was doing something so sexual in front of my altar. Sex is natural and chock full of magickal energies. It goes hand in hand with magick in so many ways. And I’ve had plenty of fun with my partners in front of it, even once when it was activated. But this was different. This was something I was doing FOR the divine, for the Lord and Lady, for Aphrodite. It was an entirely different audience, and an entirely different experience.
I also broke open my Book of Shadows. I’ve had this giant ass leather bound thing the size of my torso for I want to say 3 years now. And I have 3 pages written in it, years apart. I could say the reason is I was intimidated or lazy or life got crazy, but that doesn’t matter much. Last night, I did write in it. And when I got to the bottom of the page, I wanted to sign it, but not with my real name. I read in a book a long time ago that it’s important to pick a new magickal name when taking up your practice. I still feel this is unnecessary and should only be done if the person truly feels they should. I never did. Yeah, I’ve used an alias or two before but nothing special per se.
And just like that “Kiara” popped into my head. I swear I heard it in a movie, and I’m sure that I did. But when I looked it up, it actually has a contradicting meaning (“first ray of sun” “little dark one” “light, clear”) and partial roots in the Irish name Ciara (that’s Kee-rah, NOT cee-air-rah), which is sometimes anglicized to Keira, which is a name I already use and has some personal ties to my name since middle school for me. It also has Italian roots in the name Chiara (Kee-Ah-Ra). And I’m proudly Irish and Italian and am trying to bring those two roots together in my practice.
I still just signed it “K” because I’m still unsure if I want to claim this as my magickal name or not.
I would end it there, but there’s just a bit that I want to add. I woke up this morning earlier than I thought I would. I was jostled awake by a voice, or at least I thought I had heard a masculine voice say either “she must not be home” or “she must not be awake yet.” I sat bolt upright because I thought it was someone at my front door, but there was no one there. And with both my partners working rn, and it being too early to really be anyone else, I’m not sure what it could have been.
But that’s enough of my rambling. On to the rest of the day!