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asterialunarr · 6 months

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Marauders fanfictions by me

A POISON THAT NEVER STUNG

Main ship: Rosekiller

Word Count: 79,772

Status: ongoing

Summary:

Barty discovered an inexplicable thrill in the face of danger, reminiscent of a child fearlessly playing with fire or a cunning murderer leaving behind tantalizing clues.

The thrill he felt, standing in front of Evan Rosier's doorbell, was dangerous. He barely had any acquaintance with either of the Rosier twins. He was merely accustomed to their names. They were the golden children who were next in line, destined to take over Empyrean Holdings, along with Regulus, of course. They were like porcelain dolls their parents put on display—devoid of any genuine emotion or independent thoughts, just reflections of what they were taught.

As he stood on his doorstep at 6 am, Barty was consumed by the sweet possibility of corrupting them.

Playlist

A BATTLE UNDONE:

Main Ship: Starchaser

Word Count: 74,247

Status: on pause

Summary:

Wars would not end. They never would be complete.

Even if the treaties were signed, even when the gunshots stopped, a war would never be finished.

No matters how many years passed by, no wreck could be fixed. No dead could be returned. No harm could be undone.

They knew it more than anyone.

He knew it the most.

His loss wasn’t like anyone else’s. It wasn’t. He hadn’t just lost someone because of a war. He had also lost someone to the war.

He had lost him. He was there, witnessing, his life slipping away from his fingers. He had just watched, while all those things were happening.

He had lost her. Just because he wasn’t there to witness.

“Bravest among the braves,” they would call him. He wasn’t brave enough to save the people that mattered the most.

He was always someone with a big heart. He had room for everyone in his big heart. But he had only loved twice.

He had lost twice.

Playlist

FALLEN STARS:

Main Ship: Wolfstar

Word Count: 33,017

Status: on pause

Summary:

September 1st, 1971

It was crowded.

More crowded than he was ever used to.

Of course, there were times when his house was so crowded with strangers he had seen for the first time. Men and women in black robes would walk around, hurriedly, discussing things he couldn’t quite comprehend. In those times he would feel invisible. None of the adults would notice he was there.

But the crowd he was in right now was even bigger than that. At his house there would be ten or twenty people at most. Now there were hundreds of them. Not just adults too.

Children. Around the same age as him.

Usually he would feel so small in the crowd, back at home. Now the crowd around him was making him excited.

He was getting stares. He was being noticed.

Deep down, he knew the reason behind those stares. It wasn’t about him. It was his mum. Walpurga Black. She was keeping her head high. Looking proud. Looking down on everyone. And his father. Orion Black. His existence in a place was enough to make others uncomfortable.

Everyone knew who they were. They could guess. Hence, the stares.

But Sirius was not feeling bad about it. He’d liked being seen. He felt like he mattered. It wasn’t a feeling he was accustomed to.

A BEER AT THE MARAUDERS:

Main Ship: Wolfstar

Word Count: 2229

Status: Complete

Summary: Sirius Black and Remus Lupin raises Harry Potter and opens up a pub in muggle London

#jegulus #marauders #regulus black #marauders era #a poison that never stung #rosekiller #maraduers #barty crouch jr #evan rosier #fanfiction #wolfstar #sirius black #remus lupin

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tragicromanceftus · 3 years

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baby harry: uncle pa'foo

sirius: *gasp* SHIT OMG MOOONYYYYY

remus: what sirius?

remus: *gasp* HARRY IM SO PROUD OF YOU

sirius: *running to get the camera*

later on

james: *to harry* walk for dada harry

sirius: *evil laughter* suck it up prongs

lily: SIRIUS ORION BLACK, DID YOU JUST CURSE IN FRONT OF MY BABY?

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redtaylorsversiongirlie · 2 years

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happy ending

❦ pairings: mary macdonald x fem!reader, the marauders + lily x fem!reader (platonic), jily, wolfstar & dorlene

❦ summary: after years of torture, you finally get the happy ending you deserve.

❦ warnings: angst, death, hurt, ends with fluff, bi (or pan yk) or lesbian reader

❦ word count: 1,9k

❦ a/n: i actually didn't plan the ending but i'm in love with mary so. . .

august, 1981

you were nervous the whole time after dumbledore called an unplanned order meeting.

you were sitting between mary and lily, gripping their hands as you bounced your leg. moody, dumbledore and mcgonagall's sad faces were not helping you at all.

"wait," you broke the silence, looking around the room, witnessing two of the members are missing. "where's— where's marlene a-and dorcas?"

mcgonagall's face and sudden break into sobs told you what you needed to know. you let go of mary's and lily's hand to cover your mouth, trying to quiet your heartwreching cries.

the rest of the order members seemed to realize what happened to the couple because tears were falling down everyone's cheek.

lily leaned her head against james shoulder. he kissed her forehead, trying to comfort both her and himself.

remus and sirius stared into nowhere, too shocked to show any reaction. however, you were sure that their eyes turned glossy.

mary pulled you onto her chest, wrapping her arms around you in comfort while kissing the top of your head as she let herself show how her heart ached about the death of her best friends.

the world seemed so grey at the moment.

november 1, 1981

something felt terribly wrong from the moment you woke up. even though it was a sunny and a surprisingly warm day, you felt as if something happened the day before or if something is about to happen.

it was then when a familiar owl knocked on your window with its beak. you immediately recognized it was mary's so you quickly got up from your bed, opened the window and took an envelope from the bird.

your eyebrows furrowed in confusion as you read the letter.

y/n,

i'm sure you have heard what happened yesterday. It's so terrible, i don't think i will ever be able to get rid of the ache. please come to my house as soon as you can. us three need to stay together.

love,

mary.

what happened yesterday? who does she mean by 'us three'? did she mean lily? if yes then what about the boys?

thousands of unanswered questions were in your mind as you changed from your pyjamas to jeans and a hoodie.

then, you apparated in front of mary's house.

you knocked on the door. it didn't take long for mary to open it. first thing you noticed were her red eyes and mascara under her it.

she immaditely embraced you and you hugged her back before you pulled away.

"mary," you breathed out. "what happened?"

that startled her, her eyes widening.

"you don't know?" she croaked and you shook your head, your heart beating faster and faster by every passing second. she stepped out of the doorway, gesturing for you to come in. you walked inside and mary shut the door behind you.

the first thing you spotted after walking to the living room was remus sitting on the couch with his face in his hands.

you repeated mary's words in your head.

us three need to stay together.

us three-

you turned to mary, a sob left your lips as the realizition hit you.

the sunny and warm weather seemed to be replace by gray clouds.

June 18, 1996

six more people sprinted into the room you, sirius, lupin, moody, tonks and kingsley.

malfoy turned, and raised his wand, but you had already sent a stunning spell right at him.

"good job, y/n!" tonks shouted.

"thank you, darling." was your response.

harry did not wait to see whether it had made contact, but dived off the dais out of the way. the death eaters were completely distracted by the appearance of the members of the order, who were now raining spells down upon them as they jumped from step to step towards the sunken floor.

sirius and his death eater lurched past you and a man you were fighting, duelling so fiercely that their wands were blurs. you would have helped him if the death eater wouldn't be giving you a hard time.

after few moments, you finally sent the man flying against the wall. he definitely was knocked out as soon as his head hit the wall.

bellatrix suddenly appeared next you, giving you almost no time to react. thankfully, your reflexes were quick enough to block the cruciatus curse she sent towards you.

the woman was histerically laughing, it was the most terrifying sound you have ever heard. none of the spells bellatrix casted did not hit you. sadly, blatrix made an excellent job to block every spell you shouted.

you were sure you would die that day, you felt quite weak from all the fighting. at least you'd die doing a good thing.

out of the blue, a green light shone from the tip of her wand.

that was it.

you were about to die.

but then, a man figure stood in front of you and the spell hit him into his chest.

you froze, knowing who sacrificed themselves.

sirius.

tears began to flow down your cheeks.

It seemed to take sirius an age to fall: his body curved in a graceful arc as he sank backwards through the ragged veil hanging from the arch.

you tried to catch his hand, grip it and pull him out of the veil, but it was no use.

he couldn't die. not yet. not when remus just got the love of his life back, not when you got your best friend after 12 years of believing he killed james and lily. he couldn't die. not when harry got someone who was like a dad to him.

speaking of the young boy, he began to scream and cry painfully. you almost believed that this made your chest hurt more than sirius' death itself.

remus held him, trying to calm him down as he bit the inside of cheek, trying to be strong for his friends' son.

"i killed sirius black" echoed through the room and harry get out of remus' arms and began chased bellatrix.

you, in the mean time, fell to your knees. someone wrapped their arms around you and you immediately knew who it was.

"i'm sorry, i'm sorry, i'm sorry," you apologized over and over again while crying. remus was confused why you were sorry. "it should have been me. i'm so sorry. please forgive me."

the man could feel his heart breaking at you blaming yourself for his boyfriend's death.

"hey," he lifted your face. "unless it was you who casted the killing curse on sirius, then it's not your fault, yeah? it's only bellatrix who should be blamed."

"harry probably hates me," you sobbed. "i can't bear that."

"he does not hate you, nor do i or tonks, okay?

even if his words were meant to comfort you, your world fell apart.

may 2, 1998

you were sitting on the cold ground between two dead bodies, who, unfortunately, belong to remus lupin and nymphadora tonks.

your head was placed on remus' chest, in which no heartbeat could be heard as you stained his clothes with your tears.

"remus john lupin," you said through gritted teeth. "this is not funny." as you expected, he did not answer. "please come back to me! please. please. please. you cannot— don't you fucking dare leave me here. you can't do that! you can't, do you hear me? you can't. . . ."

harry embraced you and you broke into more sobs.

"i promise you, y/n," he spoke, "that i will kill voldemort. i promise you that."

and hours later, harry truly kept his promise and voldemort was dead.

you should have felt happy and celebrate the win of the good side.

but you didn't.

a part of you died that day.

may 9, 1998

it took you almost a week before you were able to get out of your bed, shower and make yourself look like a human being again. that with help of harry and andromeda.

with a bag full of polaroids of you and the marauders and the girls, you apparated in front of mary macdonald's — cattermole's — house. the memory of the first day of november sixteen or seventeen years ago appeared in your mind.

the woman was already sitting on the stairs of her house. when she spotted you, she quickly stood up and made her way over to you.

"oh, love," she breathed out and took your hand in hers, leading you inside. "i missed you so much. how are you holding up?"

"i'm okay," you answered. mary knew you were lying but decided to not to say anything and you were grateful for that. "got used to all my friends dying by now. how are you doing?"

she gave you a sad smile and rubbed your arm. "it's painful but i'm doing alright. you got the photos?"

you lifted the bag. "yep."

you two made yourself comfortable on the couch.

"you know. . . i had a really bad breakdown yesterday and i just stared at the photos and thought about throwing them into the burning fireplace because my chest was hurting so badly and i felt like i couldn't have anything that reminded me of them in my house," you admitted and sighed. "god took the wrong people."

"i know what you mean. i thought about burning these few years ago but i don't think i will be able to do that. ever." she picked a polaroid from her table and showed it to you. "this is my favorite one."

it was mary on your back, her arms wrapped around your neck as she placed a kiss into your hair. next to you was sirius on his boyfriend's back. his hair were tied with his wand. remus pretended to be bored, however, the moving photo caught his lips curving into a smile.

next photo was from your bag and your smile dropped. it was the very last day of james and lily's life. you were all in your halloween costumes. you and mary had a matching one, she was in her spiderman suit and you were dressed up as gwen stacy. james was a ghost and lily was a beautiful witch: black dress, black hat and black lipstick on her lips. she was holding little harry in her arms. the child had an amused smile on his face.

"this one's a great too," mary tried to light up your mood by giving you a photo of you and her on a gryffindor party. both of you were visibly tipsy as your faces were close to each other, your tongues out of your mouth as they almost touched.

"i used to fancy you so much," you mumbled, giving the picture back to her.

her eyes widened. "why didn't you tell me?"

"it was the 70's, mary, i was too scared to admit it to myself. i thought you knew after i kissed you on that one party. when you didn't say anything day after that, i sort of gave up."

"we were both so drunk, i thought it meant nothing to you so i let it go. but that kiss meant a lot to me. . ."

"god," you laughed. "i'd kiss you if you weren't married."

"i'm not," she looked at you. "me and reginald divorced a month ago."

"wha–"

and then, she kissed you.

and after so long, you felt alive again.

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ashthewaterghoul · 3 years

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“A Happy, Little, Wizarding Family - A Wolfstar One Shot”

Remus dropped to his knees. He could barely process what he had just heard. In an instant, his entire world was stripped away from him. Lily and James were murdered last night, somehow Harry had survived. For the magical world, it was a time to celebrate. For Remus, it was a time to grieve. Grieve not only the murder of two of his best friends, but also the betrayal his boyfriend. Remus curled up into a ball on the ground, “How could he do this?” He whimpered over and over again, hoping the answer would somehow appear in his mind. The Potters were the family that Sirius never had but always wanted, there was no way he could have betrayed them. Maybe Voldemort tortured him until Sirius couldn’t take it anymore, maybe it was some veritaserum, or legilimency. He had to hear it from Sirius. If Remus could find Peter, then maybe they could both find Sirius together. Remus grabbed his cloak, wiped his eyes and ventured out into London.

He was going to head to the leaky cauldron first, ask around who might’ve seen either of them, but a large group of muggles and wizards caught Remus’ attention. They were huddled around, seemingly watching some drama unfold. Remus started to make his way over, but quickly started to run when he heard James and Lily’s names. He pushed and shoved his way through the crowd until he got to the front and was shocked to see Sirius pointing his wand at Peter, a hellish fury behind his eyes.

“How could you?!” He screamed at Peter “They were our friends, they had a son! You really are a little rat aren’t you?”

Peter looked absolutely terrified.

“Sirius?” Remus said softly, a mound of tears welling up behind his eyes.

“Remus?” Sirius said in a similar fashion, Sirius started towards Remus, happy to see he still had his boyfriend.

“Sirius, stop!” His face dropped “You were the secret keeper, how could you?”

“No, I wasn’t, it was Peter.”

“You really expect me to believe that? Prove it.”

“It was going to be me, but I thought it was too obvious, so I convinced James and Lily to change it to Peter.” He said, every word brimming with the hope that Remus would believe him.

“No no no.” Peter said running over “He’s saying it to cover his tracks, why would James and Lily choose me? Besides, he is a Black after all.”

Those words shook Remus to his core, in that moment, he knew that Peter was the one covering his tracks. Sirius was the antithesis of nearly every other Black family member, and he made sure it was known. Remus hung his head in disbelief.

“Peter, you two-faced fuck!” Sirius said, one hand holding his wand against Peter’s neck, the other holding onto him so that he couldn’t run away.

“They trusted you! And where is Voldemort now, eh? He’s dead and so are Lily and James. Their blood is on your hands!” He yelled “And yours will be on mine.” He said in a sinister whisper.

“Sirius, no!” Remus said.

“Remus, if you can’t watch, leave.”

“I won’t let you do this. I love you too much to let you get a one way ticket to Azkaban.”

The words forced Sirius’ expression to mellow and for him to look at Remus.

“There are better ways to avenge Lily and James.”

“Like what.”

Remus turned to look Peter in the eye.

“Like him having to live with the fact that he betrayed two of his best friends, and for nothing. And that his other two left him.”

Remus took Sirius’ hand and lead him away and apparated back to their small flat.

“Moony, I’m sorry, I-“

Remus cut him off with a kiss. A kiss to tell him that he loves him, he believes him and that he’ll protect him.

“I should’ve told you, I’m sorry.”

“How could you have told me? I was away on Order business. I doubt an owl could of found me.”

Sirius said something barely audible that Remus couldn’t quite make out.

“What was that, love?”

“Harry! I gave him to Hadgrid, he said that Dumbledore was taking him to his muggle family.”

“But they hate magic, they’ll hate him!”

“Let’s get him back, Moons. I’m his godfather, I’m supposed to have him.”

A couple days of searching directories landed the two at No. 4 Privet Drive. They looked at each other, took a deep breath and knocked the door. The door opened to a rather large man that the two knew to be Vernon Dursley.

“Yes, what is it?”

“Are you the Dursley’s?” Sirius asked

“What’s it to you?” A thin woman, Petunia, said, cradling a baby boy in her arms, but not Harry.

“I’m Remus, and this is Sirius. We’re friends of Lily and James Potter, and we would like to see their son, Harry. We know that he was brought here following… well, you know, what happened.”

The two looked horrified at the mention of the Potters. A strong but dampened cry of a baby could be heard in the house, not from the baby in Petunia’s arms though.

“Where is Harry?” Sirius said.

No answer.

“If you don’t tell me, if will flip your house upside down until I find my godson, so where is he?”

“You’re his godfather? Well you can have him if you want.” Vernon said, he walked down the corridor and unlocked the cupboard under the stairs. He got a wailing little baby Harry out, and clumsily placed him in Sirius’ arms, where he quickly calmed down, snuggling against the familiar feel of Sirius’ leather jacket. Remus and Sirius were horrified at what the Dursley’s had done, but at least they had him now.

Sirius explained himself at the ministry and was cleared of all charges but Peter was put into Azkaban for what he did. Remus and Sirius gave James and Lily a traditional wizard’s funeral and witnessed their house in Godric’s Hollow be enchanted, so that every magical being who visited knew what happened on that fateful night, and no one, muggle or magical, could ever tamper with it. They also witnessed the unveiling of a statue in their honour.

Sirius and Remus raised Harry together and told him stories about his parents and what they did for him. He was also best man for both at their wedding a few years later. The three moved to a house in Godric’s Hollow so Harry could speak to his parents more, he would usually be found there whenever anything exciting happened to him, or his godfathers.

They waved him off from platform 9 3/4 the first time he went to Hogwarts, and Sirius would always send a howler of celebration and joy whenever Harry got in trouble, usually followed by a letter asking Harry to be responsible from Remus. Sirius helped Harry become an animagus so that he could keep the two company whenever he was at home on a full moon, and was delighted when he tuned out be a stag, just like his father. Harry Potter grew up in a happy, magical house, and was raised by his parents’ best friends. He couldn’t have asked for a happier childhood, and Remus and Sirius couldn’t have asked for a better family in James, Lily, and now Harry. They were a happy, little, wizarding family.

View all my one shots here

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engie-ivy · 3 years

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After the betrayal, after the murder, Remus wonders if he could've known? After all, hasn't it always been clear Sirius Black is mad?

Wolfstar Angst. There are some Fluffy moments in between, but it comes down to Angst.

Never Like This

Don’t cry.

The ceremony is drawing to an end. Soon, all that needs to be said, will have been said. Which seems absurd to Remus. How can all ever be said? There’s so much to say, for most of which words don’t even exist. Still, the final words will soon have been spoken, and they’ll walk to the cemetery of Godric’s Hollow, where members of the Potter family have been buried for generations. Where Lily and James will have their last resting place.

Don’t cry.

Not now, not here, not in front of all these people. Remus can feel their eyes burning on his back. He can just imagine the conversations.

“Is that-?”

“Yeah, that’s him!”

“That scrawny, pale fellow? He’s the Werewolf who fought in The Order?”

“Poor guy, all his friends are dead now. Well, except for the one who’s hopefully wishing he were dead.”

“Hey, weren’t they...?”

“They say they were.”

“And he never realised...?”

“Apparently not.”

“How naive can someone be.”

It’s only in his head, and he can’t actually hear anyone talking, but it seems real to him. He won’t break down in front of all these people. He won’t show that kind of vulnerability.

Don’t cry. Be a man, Lupin. Don’t cry.

Immediately, he can hear Lily’s voice in his head: “Remus John Lupin. Crying is a valid way of expressing your emotion, whether you’re a man or a woman. I will not hear such nonsense out of your mouth!”

Involuntarily, Remus lets out a laugh, and oh, Merlin, that’s probably even worse than crying. Suddenly, the whole situation seems utterly absurd to him. A room full of people staring at the Werewolf Order member whose friends are all killed, waiting for him to fall apart, and here he is, fighting the urge to start laughing. They’ll think he’s gone mad. It’s what they said about Sirius, innit?

He remembers the resentment in Alastor Moody’s eyes.

“There’s not going to be a trial, Lupin. It’s no use. The man has lost every ounce of sanity. You want to know how the Aurors found him? Standing between his victims, the remains of those Muggles he blasted to pieces, gruesome enough to give even the most experienced Auror trouble sleeping, laughing. He was laughing, Lupin. He’s mad. Besides, with everyone knowing he was the Secret Keeper and all the witnesses that saw him murder Pettigrew, we hardly need a trial. We’ll lock him up in Azkaban and that’ll be the last you see of him.”

Even worse was probably the pity in Emmeline Vance’s eyes, when she hugged him tight.

“You couldn’t have known, Remus. You can’t blame yourself, okay? You couldn’t have known!”

Couldn’t he have known? Didn’t he already know Sirius Black was mad? He has said it often enough.

“You’re mad,” Remus said, staring incredulously at Sirius’ grinning face.

He surely hoped the boy was not, as he was to spend the next seven years sharing a dorm with him. But the boy had just informed him that he, in their first week at Hogwarts, had already figured out how to break in into the Slytherin dorms and had managed to sneak into Hogsmeade to purchase a load of Dung Bombs.

Remus knew he didn’t have to count on their other dormmate to be a voice of reason, as James had a similar grin on this face as Sirius. Remus knew he should say no, be the responsible one, that going along with them would only end up getting him in trouble.

But Remus took one look at Sirius’ grinning face, and he already knew he was going to get into a lot of trouble the upcoming years.

“You’re mad,” Remus choked, trying to fight back tears.

Sirius blinked at him, not understanding all the emotion. They had been lying on Remus’ bed, trying to plan a prank to get back at Slytherin for cheating in the latest Quidditch match.

“We can’t do it tomorrow night,” Sirius had said. “James has detention then. And of course not the night after, as it’s the full moon, so you’ll be off doing your Werewolf thing.”

It was just a simple, offhanded comment, like it didn’t make Remus’ entire world come crumbling down. Remus didn’t even have the state of mind to deny it. “Y- you... you know?” He had stammered.

“Oh, right. Yeah,” Sirius had said absentmindedly. “We figured it out a couple of weeks ago.” Then, he had grinned at Remus. “I must say, Moony, that’s your nickname now by the way, I always knew there was a wicked side to you, but this exceeds my expectations! Bloody brilliant, mate.”

So Remus had called Sirius mad, because how could he not mind? How could he not be disgusted with him? How could he not demand Remus to be expelled?

Sirius just shrugged. “I might be a little mad. Does run in the family.”

“You��re mad,” Remus chuckled.

Sirius had just informed him of his most recent crazy idea. He had learned that Werewolves aren’t dangerous to other animals, so he wanted to become an Animagus, to keep Remus company during the full moon, and perhaps prevent him from harming himself. Sirius obviously had no idea how difficult, and potentially dangerous, it is to become an Animagus. There’s a reason why the Ministry is monitoring the process so carefully. It’s quite impossible for a Hogwarts student to pull it off.

“I’m gonna tell James and Pete!” Sirius said enthusiastically, before dashing out of the room.

Remus fondly shook his head and focused back on his book. Typically Sirius. He would be obsessed with some crazy idea for a while, and then move on to the next. Sirius would surely put it out of his head once he finds out how much time and effort it takes to become an Animagus.

“You’re mad,” Remus murmured, barely preventing his voice from breaking.

He was sitting on his knees, his face pressed against the big, black dog sitting in front of him, his hands clutching his soft fur. “I can’t believe you actually did it... I can’t believe you would go through all that effort... For me?”

The dog shifted, and suddenly Remus was resting his head on Sirius’ shoulder, while gripping Sirius’ shirt.

Sirius wrapped his arms around Remus and held him while he sobbed. “You’re worth it, Moony. And we’re never going to let you go through that alone again, okay?”

“You’re mad,” Remus said breathlessly, wide-eyed staring up at Sirius, his lips still tingling from the feel of Sirius’ lips being pressed against them.

They were standing on top of the Astronomy Tower. Gryffindor had won the Quidditch Cup, and there was a party going on in the Gryffindor Tower. Remus had gone up to the Astronomy Tower for some air, and Sirius had followed him. Remus had told him he didn’t have to, as surely there was a lot more excitement for him at the party. As usual, pretty girls with sweet smiles had been throwing themselves at Sirius all evening. As a response, Sirius had kissed him.

“Why...” Remus stammered, his heart beating wildly and his stomach fluttering.

Sirius cupped his cheek. “Because it’s you, Moony. It has always been you.”

“You’re... mad,” Remus panted.

He was lying in bed, clothes discarded on the floor, while Sirius insisted on kissing every scar on his body.

“Beautiful,” Sirius murmured against his skin. “You’re so beautiful.”

Remus laughed breathlessly, and took Sirius’ face in his hands, pulling him up to his face to properly kiss him.

“You’re mad,” Remus whispered, shifting his eyes from the star-scattered sky to meet Sirius’ gaze.

“Not the reaction I was hoping for,” the man replied.

Remus lifted their intertwined hands to his lips and kissed the back of Sirius’ hand. “Just making sure you know. And to be clear, I love you too.”

“You’re mad,” Remus smiled, spinning around in Sirius’ arms.

Sirius smiled back at him, brighter than all the fairy lights illuminating the dance floor together. “Madly in love.”

Remus rolled his eyes. “Madly drunk I’d say.”

Sirius grinned. “I’m allowed to be a little drunk. My best man duties are done.”

Remus laughed as Sirius dipped him, feeling happy, carefree, and in love, and maybe a little drunk himself.

“You’re mad,” Remus gasped, falling to his knees, trying to control his breathing.

“You can’t do that, Padfoot! You can’t!”

“He tried to hex you from behind!” Sirius argued.

Remus glared at him. “You can’t just bloody jump between me and a Death Eater’s curse! You could’ve...” His chest constricted and he struggled for air. “You could’ve died. You could’ve died because I wasn’t properly watching my back!”

Sirius dropped down on his knees in front of him, and soon came the familiar feeling of Sirius’ arms being wrapped around him, pulling him against his chest. “But I didn’t. I’m okay. We’re okay.”

Remus let out a shaky breath. “Promise me. Promise me you’ll never do that again. I can’t lose you, Pads.”

“I can’t lose you either, Moony,” Sirius whispered. “That’s why I can’t make that promise. I acted on instinct seeing you in danger, and I can’t promise I won’t do it again.”

“You’re mad,” Remus spoke softly, staring down at his cup of tea.

“They’ll come after you. Him, and all his followers.”

“I’ll go into hiding,” Sirius replied.

“But you won’t have a Fidelius Charm to protect you!” Remus snapped, lifting his head.

“We said we’d do anything to keep Harry safe,” Sirius argued. “We all did. I’m the best choice-”

“Exactly!” Remus interrupted. “And everyone knows you are. Isn’t it better with this sort of thing to not go for the most logical choice?”

Sirius avoided Remus’ eyes.

“Look, Sirius,” Remus sighed. “I know you’d never tell, I do. But no one has dived deeper into the Dark Arts as He has, and who knows what methods He has to pry the information from you? Isn’t it better to go with a Secret Keeper no one will suspect?”

Sirius turned his gaze back to Remus, his expression pained. He opened his mouth as if he was going to say something, but then closed it again, squeezing his eyes shut. When he eventually spoke, there was a forced calm in his voice. “I know what I’m doing, Remus.” He reached out and took Remus’ hand in his. “Please, you have to trust me in this.”

And Remus had.

If Sirius could do that, if Sirius could hold Remus’ hand, look him in the eyes with that sincere, vulnerable expression on his face, ask him to trust him, and then turn around and destroy everything Remus held dear, then it could’ve all been a lie.

It had all been a lie.

Each lingering gaze, each soft, private smile, each reassuring touch, each slow, loving kiss, each whispered word of ‘I love you’, a lie. And Remus had let himself happily be lied to, blinded by his foolish and naive belief in true love.

Remus really couldn’t have known. Alright, maybe he’d always known Sirius was mad, but not like this. Never like this.

#my tumblr writing #wolfstar #wolfstar fanfiction #wolfstar fic #marauders #marauders fanfiction #marauders fic #sirius black #remus lupin #remus x sirius #wolfstar angst

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wallywrites · 4 years

Text

heartache, loneliness, guilt

Part 1: when he leaves

This is part 1 of a 3 part wolfstar au series taking place during the war; the Potters are in hiding, Remus is recruited by Dumbledore to go on secret missions, and Sirius is alone.

I wanted to title this “I wanna throw up” because that’s how I felt when writing this because I’m emotional but thought this title would wit better 😂

If y’all have any requests, let me know and I’ll see what I can do! (Any OTP is fine but wolfstar is my personally favourite 😉)

I hope y’all enjoy!

Part 2

Part 3 coming soon!

~~~

The light shining through the window is what woke Sirius the next morning, the sheer curtains doing nothing to conceal the sun from pushing itself into the room and through his eyelids.

A sigh escaped him as Remus stirred from beneath him, their arms and legs still tangled up together from the night before.

He knew he had to get up, that they both needed to, but all those thoughts went away when Remus pulled himself closer to his fiancé, his arm wrapping around Sirius like it often found itself doing.

Butterflies ran through his stomach, a shiver running down his spine as he pushed himself closer towards the sleeping boy, whose breath had steadied. Sirius could feel his heart beating against his skin, slow, steady as he watched his chest move, another sigh escaping him.

He wished more than anything that the two of them could stay together like this for eternity, together in this moment, all skin on skin, breath on breath.

But he was smarter than that. He knew only good things come to an end. And the boy he held was the best thing that ever happened to him.

Remus stirred again, but this time, his eyes opened. He blinked at the light that caused his skin to glow, Sirius chuckling out as a groan escaped him.

He lifted his head as he took in his surroundings, before his head fell back onto Sirius’ chest.

Sirius’ laugh echoed through the room as he looked towards the boy whom he loved, his hand moving up towards his curly locks as Remus sighed again.

“I don’t want to.” He spoke softly, a sigh escaping Sirius. They both knew what had to be done, and they both knew that they were dreading the morning, not wanting to wake up.

“I know. But you have to.”

Sirius spoke the truth, ignoring the pain that began to push through his chest as Remus lifted himself slightly, looking up towards Sirius, who smiled sadly back towards him.

He tried to fight it, argue that he wasn’t the right person for the job, that Dumbledore should find someone else. That he’s needed here, with Sirius, with his fiancé, his family. But there was nothing that could be done, and Remus hated that.

It ate him up from the inside, and hurt him more than any transformation ever had. Not in the physical sense, of course, but the heartache of being apart from his other half was unbearable at times, for the both of them.

“It’s not enough time.” He spoke softly, his eyes still red and swollen from the night before, where he couldn’t stop the tears from falling, knowing what the next day would bring.

“I know.” Sirius said simply, knowing if he tried to say more, he would break down again.

Three days was all they gave them, from the time he returned, to when he had to leave again.

Sirius continued to play with Remus’ hair as their eyes wandered over each other, taking in everything they could before the inevitable. Wanting to look at each other for as long as they possibly could before Remus was taken away again.

Sirius tried to argue with Dumbledore himself. “Take me instead! Not Remus! I can go, I can fight” he would scream towards the Professor, something that he never had done in the previous years of knowing him.

But this time was different, this time it had to do with Remus, and Sirius couldn’t handle himself.

Dumbledore would just stare back with sad eyes, knowing the pain this decision would cause the young couple.

“You’re needed here, Sirius. To protect Harry. You’re too important to risk” Dumbledore would try to explain, knowing that if anything happened to James, or Lily, that Sirius would have to take on the responsibility of protecting his godson, but his words only caused Sirius to yell back in anger.

“I’m nothing! Okay, I- Please, don’t take him from me”.

But his pleads were no use, and Remus was chosen. And Sirius never cried as much as he did the first time Remus left.

Sirius paused again, watching as the boy in his arms closed his eyes for a moment, trying to enjoy the moment as it was. And it took everything out of Sirius to speak, to break the moment.

“Re..” he mumbled out, another pain in his chest as the boy in his arms breathed in, knowing exactly what he was going to say, what he needed to do. He opened his eyes again, looking up towards Sirius.

“I know, Pads.” He said simply as they looked to each other, feeling every emotion all at once, yet feeling numb all over.

And then they got up, and Sirius sat, and watched as his love got ready, like what they used to do together, before the war, when they could just be Remus and Sirius, together, all the time.

And another pain ran through Sirius as he thought of what it would be like. It almost killed him the first time, the heartache, the loneliness, the guilt. Not knowing where he was, or what he was doing, or even if he was alive, just waiting for the day Remus walks back through the door with open arms, waiting to embrace his fiancé.

And then, it would happen all over again. The heart ache, the loneliness. The guilt. And it never went away, until the two boys held each other in their arms. The only time either of them felt truly happy, truly safe.

He continued to watch Remus as he pulled his coat over his shoulders, his arms sliding through the sleeves as he looked back towards Sirius, a sigh escaping him as he made his way towards the bed.

Sirius looked up towards him as he wrapped his arms around his waist, Remus’ hands moving to either side of his face as he looked down towards him.

“It’ll be better this time, Pads. It’s not a big assignment” he tried to reason with the boy, but even he knew that nothing he could say would make the situation better, would help ease Sirius’ worry, his concern.

But he always tried. For Sirius, for himself. He had to. Hope was all he they had left.

“Come on, Pads” he spoke softly, only a mumble as Sirius pushed himself up, his arms never leaving Remus as they pulled each other closer for a moment, before Remus pulled from him.

He held onto Sirius’ hand as they made their way out of the room and down the stairs.

Sirius couldn’t feel his legs, the only thing he focused on being Remus, and their hands. Before Sirius could even register, they were already down stairs, Remus sitting as he tied his shoes.

Sirius closed his eyes, the pain already almost unbearable as Remus finished with his shoes, looking up towards the person he always missed the most whenever he was assigned a new mission.

He always hated leaving, not because he was scared for his own life, but because he knew how it affected Sirius, and the pain of being apart always breaks him.

But he knew he had to, it was his job, his duty. And so he must go.

Sirius sighed out again, opening his eyes as Remus moved towards him. He knew this was when they say their goodbyes, and he wasn’t ready for it. Neither was Remus.

They never were.

Sirius’ arms wrapped around Remus, pulling him into his embrace as Remus’ hands moved around his shoulders as they held each other.

Tears began to spill from both of their eyes as they held each other tighter, something that became normal between them.

If it was the year before, Sirius would have laughed at himself, for being so emotional, for crying. But now it’s different, now crying was all he wanted to do.

“Hey” Remus spoke softly, pulling from his fiancé as he looked towards him, a smile making its way into his lips. He was crying, but the smile wasn’t sad. He always tried to be happy, to make it seem like, the situation that they’re in isn’t as bad as what it really was.

“Why don’t.. when I get back, let’s get married.” He said, moving his hands to either side of Sirius’ face as he chuckled out towards him, shaking his head towards the boy.

Only Remus would smile and say something like that when they’re on the brink of breaking, and Sirius thought he had heard everything by now.

“What?” Sirius managed to mutter out, a smile making its way onto his face at the thought.

They always dreamt of getting married, since they were young, since they first discovered their feelings for each other.

They got engaged not long after they found out how bad the war was, how bad it was going to get. They promised each other that they would get married, no matter what.

“Yeah, just, you and me, and James, and Lily and Harry, just.. just the people that matter. A small group of us, right here in our living room. And then when the war is over, we’ll hold a proper ceremony, and get married again.”

Sirius chuckled out again, nodding his head. He couldn’t help the tears from falling, however, as the realisation that Remus was about to leave made its way back into his thoughts.

“Hey.. don’t cry. I’ll be back before you know it.” Remus spoke, his voice breaking as he moved his thumbs across Sirius’ cheeks, smiling towards him, trying to hold himself together as Sirius pulled him tighter, closer.

Not wanting to let him go.

“You’re a terrible liar” Sirius laughed out, shaking his head as Remus chuckled, leaning into his love, resting his head against his chest.

Sirius could always tell when Remus was lying, and Remus knew that.

But he tried, tried to believe what he was saying was true, because it was easier than accepting the possibility that he might not come back soon, he might not come back at all.

Remus could feel his heart breaking in his chest as he breathed in, his eyes squeezing shut to try and stop the tears, already knowing that it wasn’t going to work. But he knew he needed to be strong, for Sirius. He needed to believe that he was going to come home, to see him soon.

That’s the only thing that keeps him going when he’s gone.

A sigh escaped Remus as he pulled back, smiling again, but this time a sad smile, along with sad eyes as he prepared to say their final goodbyes.

“I know.” He spoke, moving his thumbs across Sirius’ cheeks again as he continued. “I love you.”

Those words always caused a smile to appear on Sirius’ face, and within a heartbeat he said then back.

“I love you too.”

Remus sighed as more tears rolled down their cheeks. They knew that this was when he leaves, when he walks out the door and when the pain really starts. But he knew he couldn’t break yet, not in front of Sirius.

So, instead, he smiled, holding his fiancé closer as he spoke, words he used to say any time he would be apart from Sirius. Words they’ve been saying since they were young.

Something he would ask before they left to go to class, or before Sirius had to go to detention, or before they parted ways over the holidays to go back home.

And now, it was something he asked every time he left, something he couldn’t wait to see again when he returns.

“Smile for me?”

Sirius had been waiting, knowing it was coming. He always dreaded those words, because usually right after they’re said, right after he smiles towards his love, he’s alone.

And he didn’t want to be alone.

But, he smiled, as big as he could, as if nothing was wrong, for Remus. Because he knew that Remus needed it.

“There it is” Remus spoke, brushing his thumb over his lips, pausing to look at him before pulling Sirius closer, their lips finding each other.

The last kiss. Something they both dreaded, but longed for. Needed. The last thing they had to hold onto, until Remus would return.

And it hurt. Like it always did.

And then they were no longer pressed up against each other, no longer connected by the lips. And Remus was at the door, looking back towards his love one last time.

And he smiled. Like he always did. Like he needed to. And Sirius’ heart continued to break.

“Come back to me.” Sirius said softly, a promise he needed Remus to make, even if he knew himself that Remus didn’t have any control over it, that even if Remus wanted to, he might not.

But Remus just smiled, ignoring the guilt he felt. The lie he would tell if he didn’t come back.

But he would rather lie now, then admit to himself that this could be the last time he lays his eyes on the one person he cares about most in the world.

“Always.”

And then he left, and Sirius was alone.

~~~

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