#work life balance is a myth

[thesargasmicgoddess]

Update on the current state of my PhD hoe life...

Sprinkles and iced tea for a topless/bottomless lunch sounds about right for the mental capacity I have right now 🤣🤣

#my brain hurts #me #sargasmicgoddess #my kitchen #work life school hoe parent research sexpot balance is a myth 🤣 #hello random non-art quality smut 🤣 #phd hoe chronicles

[halvedandhollowed]

So we're all just grabbing bits of life inbetween going to work, coming back home and going to work again...

#work life balance is a fucking myth #capitalism isn't perfect and it can be quite harmful #but I think the real problem is human greed and corruption #and an overall lack of accountability at the super high levels #i think under that #no political system can stand #If you live in a dense area in terms of population and you have to go through traffic #it takes up so much of your energy in a way people don't fully recognize #I fucking hate the job system #9 to 5 does not fucking exist #if you get there at 9 and leave at 5 you are seen as a bad worker #even if you dont get paid overtime #lets not even talk about healthcare #omg #this is hell #its hell #I really do hate it here #I feel guilty leaving work before 5:30 #even though work ends at five and I don't get overtime #hate this fucking place #and Im one of the lucky ones because my work environment is susprisingly non-toxic in terms of inter-personal relationships #and it is a learning environment

[soft-epilogue-continues]

Staring longingly at the kid across the field swinging on their deck swing.

Don't worry, our neighbors have a swing and kindly let us use it today.

It's been a really weird week. My mom, who usually watches the kids, including my oldest when he's not at preschool, was sick at the beginning of the week and is now traveling on vacation through next Tuesday. And because this past Monday was Presidents' Day and the preschool was closed, we've had the kids at home a lot more than anticipated. This means that getting any "meaningful" work done has been pretty much impossible.

I'm lucky enough to have been able to take time off (I have unlimited PTO), but my youngest is always home on Fridays so I've gotten used to trying to get some work done while she's napping but I just haven't been able to get it together today. This would be a similar situation on Monday where my oldest is at preschool and youngest is at home, but at this point I'm so tired of being stressed out about my project and getting shit done in the few sparce minutes here and there that I just want to say fuck it and take off through next Tuesday and then kick it into high gear once I have childcare again. The thing holding me back is trying to keep this project on track but it's just not happening. All it's doing is making me stress about work and stress about kids and getting nothing done.

So the plan today:

Finish updating the tech design with review comments

Fill out the experiment design template to the best of my ability

Officially take time off through next Tuesday and stop stressing about this

Write project update

#working mom #work life balance #is a myth and i hate it #softly going

[n3xii]

clarity on your manifestation ~ pick a wand

Choose a wand that you feel drawn! today's pick a card will help you gain insight on what you're manifesting from a LOA perspective (law of assumption) What you will get:

-what you need to release

-what you need to know

-what you need to embrace

wand one

what you need to know: nine of wands reversed

manifesting is about persistence- its about prevailing in the mindset that you already have what you want regardless of what you see in front of you. This nine of wands reversed here talks about anxiety and paranoia, you may fear that you won't actually get what you want. you lack the belief in yourself to manifest it. This is mainly a self concept issue- developing the self belief that you can persist and that you are a powerful manifester can greatly benefit you in this time. you need to know that you have actually come very far in your manifestation, and you get further by being consistent.

What you need to release: judgement

Your inner critic and inner pessimist is instilling you with fear. you need to release the instinct to harshly judge yourself and your circumstances just because you don't see what you want yet. Resist the inner critic, show yourself compassion instead. you also need to release the urge to make immediate assements of your reality when you dont see what you want- i feel like this pile struggles to stay in one consistent mindset. a person who has what they want doesnt immediately make an contradicting assumption about their reality, they persist in it.

what you need to embrace: the hermit reversed

You need to embrace the world around you, come out of your shell. Integrate back into your community, family, and social circles. all this time alone, self-isolating and existing in your head might be affecting your mental health in a negative way that snowballs into a negative self concept. You need to embrace that you're just like everyone else, there is no special wisdom to manifesting, there is no special quality to believing in yourself. having faith in your ability to bring about your desires is not exclusive to a few special people, its for everyone willing to persist through old illusions to empower themselves. you got this, you are capable, validate your own inner strength.

Wand Two

What you need to know: the moon reversed

You are in the process of liberating yourself from illusions and projections. When the moon card is in reversed, it tells me that you're no longer unaware of subconscious thoughts and beliefs that might have been holding you back. You have managed to face underlying beliefs head on, and this has helped you clear out lingering doubt, illusions, lies, myths etc.

what you need to release: page of pentacles

The idea that you need to work for a long, grueling time is something you need to release. Do you think elon musk works hard (no) Do you think people at the top do hard work? NO. They're capitalist and they exploit other people to be where they are. the idea that you need to work hard for a long time in order to be successful is a lie capitalist tell you so its easier to exploit you. You can manifest a life of ease, for opportunities to find you, for freedom from capitalistic mindsets.

What you need to embrace: knight of swords

the knight of swords is direct, abrasive, and clear minded. This is someone who knows what they want and they channel all of their mental energy to getting it. You need to embrace this directness, be forward about what you want. be unapologetic. be relentless in your self belief. you need to embrace a mindset that you will get what you want no matter what because you can.

Wand three

What you need to know: two of pentacles

The two of pentacles is an energy of change, specifically adapting to change. Intuitively speaking, i feel that the people who chose this pile are adapting to the change they are trying to make in their lives- you are trying to remain balanced and stable in what you want to manifest. The card depicts someone trying to balance between two things- are you still balancing two realities at once? you cannot walk in two directions at the same time. This is an energy of adapting, you're still in the process of selecting the mindset that you want to persist in without the old story peering into your thoughts. That is completely ok, keep going don't give up.

What you need to release: strength reversed

The strength card in reverse is essentially telling me that you feel as though you do not possess the inner strength and resilience to be persistent. the strength card in reverse is someone who reacts, and doens't have the inner strength to resist against the temptation of reacting to undesired circumstances. Release that negative self concept that you're weak. you are strong enough, you are not your circumstance.

What you need to embrace: knight of pentacles reversed

Ease. You need to embrace ease. manifesting is not hard work, it is not supposed to be taxing on your physical and mental stamina. It doesnt have to be complicated or even slow. etc. Embrace the process, and that it doesnt have to require so much damn work.

#pick a card #astro notes #tarot cards #pick a pile #pick a card tarot #tarot pick a card #free reading #free readings #tarot readings #tarot pac #pac tarot #pac readings #pac tarot readings #loa #loablr #loa blog #loassumption #loa tumblr #manifestion #edward art #neville goddard #affirmations loa #affirm and persist #tarot deck #tarot blog #tarot community #free tarot readings #tarotblr #affirmations #pick a pile reading

[hyunjinspark]

star lost with you | hyunjin au | part 17

pairing: idol! hyunjin x artist! reader

genre: friends to lovers, so much angst, smut, fluff, set in the idolverse, mutual pining, unrequited love, forbidden romance, slowburn (!!!) soulmate au, star-crossed lovers

synopsis: working in a quaint little art store, you’ve had the honor of meeting all kinds of people, but you’ve never met somebody like him. there were many reasons hyunjin returned to his hometown; a getaway from the ephemeral and fast-paced life of the city, so he could fall in love with life again. he thought he was prepared for everything, to study art in the way that he’s always wanted to, but what he didn’t anticipate was meeting you. hwang hyunjin realises that sometimes, the best things in life happen unplanned. 

word count: 31K

warnings: cursing, drinking, heavy angst, mutual pining, sexual tension, kissing, mature language, making out, jealousy, references to injuries, unrequited love, fighting, arguments and confrontations, hyunjin is mean, mentions of weed, post-breakup behaviour, passing mention of threats, a guy makes yn feel physically uncomfortable

a/n: most of this chapter contains heavy angst, yn is thinking about hyunjin 90% of the time, and it's a very different pacing from usual, but i enjoyed writing this a lot :) i hope you love it too! please get comfortable with snacks and a blanket to read. you can listen to my star lost playlist here!

important: all works are fiction, and do not in any way represent the real personalities or real people, they exist only as faceclaims, and are fictional characters.

masterlist

The romantic movies you’d watched growing up always skipped over the hard parts. 

The break-ups in them were just a short montage set to the soundtrack of a sad song. The main female character would have given up all hope, drowning her feelings in ice-cream and wine, and just when she hit rock bottom... somehow the boy would find a way back to her. The audience would cheer even though it was so predictable, and the credits would roll. All the sadness would be overshadowed by a firework-worthy reunion kiss, and a stupid Happily Ever After. 

If only your life right now could pass by like a montage. If only you could hit fast-forward, and skip to the day you feel better. 

You were never much into Greek mythology, but you had read Percy Jackson in middle school, and the myth of Sisyphus always stuck to you. He was condemned to roll a rock up a mountain for eternity, but the rock would roll back down to the bottom every single time. It was a cruel punishment because he could never achieve his goal. 

Forgetting Hyunjin was a Sisyphean task. It was futile, in every way. On most days, it almost felt impossible. You could always try, and push yourself really hard, but he would always be there at the bottom of the canyon. Homereminded you of him, of all the good times there — bumping into him at Aera’s, plunging into freezing water with him at the creek, kissing him in the meadow of the fireflies, sloppy and wet but enchanting. And so did this city. The lights of the skyscrapers, the culture, the fashion, they all screamed his name. It didn’t help that his pictures were plastered all over every big billboard, every bus stop shelter, each subway station. Perhaps to forget him, you’d have to run away to a remote cabin, somewhere in Europe, where you could paint your life away and never look back. Yet wouldn’t that be useless too? Everything beautiful in your life would be forever linked to him.

“What are you thinking of so deeply, Y/N?” A voice pulled you out of your sad tangent. You’d been sketching in your notebook, mindlessly doodling, drawing circles and squares. 

Jeonghan was slumped in the chair opposite yours, his own sketchbook balanced on his knees, but he hadn’t drawn for an hour now. He was too busy listening to a podcast on those big headphones he never let go of. Minnie was supposed to join you today, but she was running late from a date with Jamie, so for now it was just you and him. There was so much noise around you, a constant buzz and chatter of people in the coffee shop, so you raised your voice to be heard, “I’m thinking of…how romance movies are all bullshit”

His eyebrows shot up, and he sat up straighter, clearly not expecting that. You suppose it was a bit random, “I’m sorry?”

Now that you’d brought it up, you had to explain it, and you struggled to find the words, “They’re all such cookie-cutter depictions of romance. The same formula every time. You don’t think so?”

His eyes narrowed, suspiciously, “Well, who broke your heart?”

You shut your sketchbook with a snap, “Nobody. I’m just talking”

“Clearly you think I’m stupider than I actually am” He pulled a hand up, and started counting on his fingers, “You’re not eating, you’re not sleeping, you’re only painting of blue and depressing things, you…didn’t even laugh at a single joke of mine in class today”

“Maybe because they aren’t funny”

“And you now think romantic movies suck. That’s the telltale signs of a breakup”

“I’ve always thought they suck… That doesn’t mean anything”

“Okay” He laughed, leaning forward to rest his elbows on his knees, “How about the fact that you all but ran out of Pegasus and went white as a ghost when you saw that guy in the elevator?”

You stilled, staring at him. It’s been days since that incident, but he’s never brought it up till now. You had never given him a chance to. You realised you’re an expert in deflecting when it comes to matters of Hyunijn. You pulled at the spiral binding of your notebook, “He was just an old friend”

“You reacted way more than someone would…to an old friend. I’m not going to judge you, you know that? I’m from fucking LA. If I started judging people, I’m afraid I’d never stop”

You sighed, looking down at the coffee table, “He’s just someone I wasn’t expecting to see. It brought up old memories, shit I’d like to forget now. Let’s…talk about something else, please”

He released a breath, looking around, “Fine. I think I’m gonna get another cup of coffee. You want one?”

“No, I’m good. Coffee keeps me up at night”

Jeonghan stood up, lanky frame hovering over you, lips pressed into a thin line, “Don’t blame coffee for that”

With that, he walked off to the counter, and you stared at the empty chair. You’re trying hard not to think of that evening, after you walked out of the storage closet, out of the Pegasus building and straight home. You had felt a new kind of pathetic… and to make it worse, your apartment keys had refused to cooperate. It’s because you were shaking the whole way home. You’d dropped them on the landing multiple times as you made your way upstairs, the shrill sound the only thing snapping you out of your daze. Even your hands had shook as you tried to get into your apartment.

You’d crawled into your mattress, and you’d cried yourself to sleep. Your pillow had muffled the sounds and it wasn’t even satisfyin. Your tears felt empty and forced. The numbness…was real. What were you even crying for? Hyunjin had made it crystal clear since day one that nothing could happen between you, so you shouldn’t have expected him to suddenly change his mind. 

“I got you a cupcake” Jeonghan sat back down, a red velvet cupcake in his hand, a Cafe Mocha in the other.

It just hurt that he’d given up on the two of you, before you even had a chance to try. It was…a horrible memory, and your chest hurt at it. “I don’t want it, sorry”

“Suit yourself” He shrugged, peeling back the paper wrapping so he could take a bite out of it. The white frosting smeared on his nose, and he smiled at you. He’s a good friend, but you’ve been nothing but miserable the past few weeks. It’s bad for you because this is not the time for drama. You’re working on real stuff now in art class. You’re past introductions, and over the bunny hill. You have an actual assignment, and that’s the reason you’re here in this cafe, trying to brainstorm ideas for it. This artwork matters more to you than anything else lately, because it feels like a last plea for happiness. If your professor actually likes it, then you won’t feel so useless anymore. Time lately feels like it’s slipping through your fingers, wasting away, precious days blurring together into sadness and nostalgia. You used to count the seconds until you could live this life, but what you’re feeling right now…that’s not living.

How can you be creative right now, when all you hold inside you is bitterness? All this time, you’d held on to some minuscule hope, that one day things between you and Hyunjin would be all right. That maybe one day he would give into what he felt, and you could actually be together. It was almost …like a given. How could he kiss you like that…and not want it for the rest of his life? A part of you had imagined it all — the future you could have had with him, the relationship you could lead with somebody who knew every bit of you.

You’d been surrounded by good people your whole life, but the impact Hyunjin left on you was incomparable. His thoughts, the way his brain worked things out, the kindness with which he approached life — you couldn’t hope to find that in anybody now. It was special to only him, and more than anything, you couldn’t forget that. You couldn’t forget the beautiful things he kept hidden in his mind, in his heart. The first few weeks you’d known him…it became obvious what he would mean to you. In the silliest of ways, he even finished your sentences…How could somebody be so perfectly built for you, but not be meant for you at all? 

Maybe the romance books were to blame for making you believe there was someone perfect for you at all. Soulmates were an urban legend, and a red string of fate didn’t exist. But then why did everything pull you together all this while? It couldn’t have been…for nothing.

Were you the one to blame for imagining an actual future with him? You’d never even had the honor of calling him your boyfriend, how could you hope for anything more?

The logical step was…to move on. So that’s why you’re here, painting in the new coffee shop, and hoping it will help. Jeonghan helps, kind of. He’s funny, and he’s got a large personality and an even bigger sense of humour, and you wonder how he fits it all in his lanky frame. He’s a perfect student and on top of that, he’s helpful. He’s always sharing his supplies with you in class, and he’s genuinely so amusing, if not mildly annoying sometimes, but with Minho and Felix you’d gotten used to it. He was humming now to a song you don’t recognise, his music taste is very different from yours, and he suddenly asked, “Why do you think I moved back to Korea?”

Your brows furrowed, and you randomly guessed, “I don’t know…An American girl broke your heart?”

“Bingo” He bit into the cupcake, crumbs falling onto his button-up, and on his ripped jeans, “She kissed my friend at a party. Right in front of me”

You’re surprised to hear that, and even more so that he’s openly telling you. Maybe talking freely about the past is moving on. So you told him, in solidarity, “My best friend dated the boy I like”

His eyebrows shot up, and he leaned forward, pausing the music on his phone to give you his whole attention, “Did she know you liked him?”

“No…not really”

“Then you can’t really blame her I guess” 

“I don’t”

“So you blame yourself? For liking him?”

“Nothing I do could have made me stop”

He tilt his head, “Is that so?”

You chewed on your lip, “I liked him for a long time before my friend met him”

“Then why didn’t you ask him out?”

“I didn’t know his name at the…time”

His eyes widened, a smile forming, “Oh…now I’m really, really curious”

“It doesn’t matter. It’s in the past now”

Jeonghan sighed, “You know, this is a record”

You reached for his cupcake, and bit into it, it was too sweet and you hated red velvet but you wanted to feel something, “What do you mean?”

“That’s like the most I’ve got out of you, Y/N. You’re a pretty closed book”

You’ve never been told that before. You're usually always oversharing. You have to try to be better. Maybe divulging the details of your life isn’t such a weakness or vulnerability. It’s hard to explain to anybody about what you’re going through, the only person who’ll understand is Kairi, but you haven’t talked to her since that time in the park, when she brought Hyunjin up and you came crumbling down like a house of cards.

You feel so weak lately, like a balloon about to be popped, stretched to your limits. You can’t accommodate any sadness in you anymore, and any mere mention or thought of Hyunjin breaks you down. You’re trying your best though. Yeonjun is sad you don’t hang out at his place anymore, after all it’s not his fault there’s a billboard of Hyunjin right across. Falling apart felt it’d be more climatic and sudden, but it’s more of a gradual process than anything. Even now, sitting in this pretty shop in Seoul, your chest pains at the memories. The hurt is so immense sometimes you have to clutch your chest waiting for the pain to pass. It’s like a heart attack every time you think of him. You can’t remember how it used to feel when it didn’t hurt. 

In the past few weeks, you’d have had a lot of selfish thoughts and wishes. Some of them are cruel in a way that you can never say it out loud. You feel guilty for even thinking them, yet most days when you’re alone in your bed and you crave him, you wish he never became an idol. Hyunjin without the fame and without his music was still the same boy inside. Hyunjin without the frills was the kid in the art store you fell in love with all those years ago. 

You wish he could just be yours, to love forever, not the entire citys’. Forever was a long fucking time but you felt capable of it, of cherishing him for the rest of your life because he made it so easy. But you should have taken the hint when he cut you out of his life, without even leaving a phone number behind. If you hadn’t come to Seoul… it was entirely possible he would never have seen you again. He would have left you behind in the town, and never looked back. To him…you were just a girl he messed around with in the summer. So temporary. So forgettable.

You wish you could pick apart your brain, and take out every memory of him, but you feared there’d be nothing in you left then. Loving him took up all the space in you. Missing him did the same. Jeonghan was speaking to you still, wondering why you never shared too much about yourself, and you shrugged, “I don’t know. I just want to focus on now. I hate feeling haunted by the past. It’s paralysing, to be stuck in those memories”

Jeonghan’s eyes narrowed, this is a pretty serious conversation for this cafe, but he asked, “You ever see Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind? The movie with Kate Winslet and that one dude…um, Jim Carrey?”

You’ve stopped sketching entirely now, you hadn’t made progress in hours. It goes without saying that ever since you saw Hyunjin in the city, your inspiration has been lost. You’ve been searching for it ever since, in new friendships, in new coffee shops, in conversations like this, “I…haven’t, but Felix, my best friend loved that movie”

He leaned forward, excited to explain to you, “Well, in the movie this couple’s broken up, and they hate each other, like absolutely loathe each other. So there’s this futuristic procedure where they can choose to erase memories of their lover, and the girl…she does it. It’s too painful to remember the boy she loved”

“Oh?”

“Mmh” Jeonghan’s eyes twinkle as he explained and you wonder if he and Felix would be best friends if they met; they talk about movies with the same passion, “So the guy, he starts going through the procedure too. But as the memories of their relationship start being deleted, he realises he doesn’t want them to be erased after all. They loved each other, and their time together was so special to them. That shouldn’t be forgotten. It’s a cool concept, right?”

You’re listening to him, and the noises of the cafe have faded away, “Yeah. It’s cool” You’re playing the movie in your head, wondering what you would do if you were in it. Would you alter the chemistry of your brain so Hyunjin never existed in your life? It’d sure be easier than trying to move on, which was…useless.

Jeonghan suddenly frowned realising you ate some of his cupcake. The proof was in your hands which were covered in white frosting. He leaned over the little table, “I thought you didn’t want the cupcake” 

You apologised, “Sorry. The frosting was good”

“Is that so?” He grabbed your hand. He’s touchy sometimes in class, so you weren’t too surprised. But in a single swoop, he licked the frosting right off your hand, tongue swirling around your finger for a brief second, “Eh, could be better. Anyway, do you want to watch that movie with me? You could come over after you finish the artwork”

Before you could even process what just happened, a tote bag slammed onto your table, and you both jumped. Minnie grinned at you, standing by, “So did you guys finish the assignment?”

»»————-

You are supposed to paint your most dominant emotion. It’s an important task, because you’ve to be graded on it. It’s due today. The thought of being evaluated for your creativity terrifies you. You don’t feel good for anything right now, but this is what you signed up for. Your supplies are sprawled across the apartment floor, and you’re forcing each stroke onto the paper, trying to paint a semblance of anything. You want to prove your worth in the art studio. You haven’t been too interactive in class, you’ve been at your lowest, but this meant so much to you for the longest time. So you’re trying really, really hard.

There is music playing from your phone, a mix of calm songs you’d put together months ago. Hours had passed, and you’ve fiddled away at your canvas, trying to fix every little detail. You stayed up nights in a row, finishing the painting and it was honestly a good distraction, for the most part. If Kim Jieong loves it, then perhaps you’ll stop being so sad. You will yourself to just fill in the gaps of your artwork, to correct the error in your ways so that it can be perfect for the presentation today.

But it was almost time for class, and if you didn’t leave now, you’ll be late. You stare at the painting, breathing a sigh, it doesn’t look half bad, “Well…this is as good as it’s gonna get”

As you roll the canvas up so you can carry it to class, the song on your playlist changes and within seconds… Hyunjin’s voice fills your bedroom. It was a song from the new album. 

You freeze, recognising it instantly, goosebumps rippling up your arms and legs. It’s a ballad, and his voice is soft and melodious. Once upon a time it was comforting. Dread fills your stomach. You hate this song. You hate his voice. You can’t listen to him ever again. Your phone lay across the bedroom floor. You need to turn it off. In your hurry to scramble for it, your hand slips, and your elbow knocks into a glass of muddy paint-water. Before you could even process it, the liquid tips over. Within seconds, helplessly you watch the wave of liquid destroy your art. It seeps across your entire canvas, ruining everything you’d worked on for weeks.

It becomes a glob of colors and it’s so funny and pathetic you couldn’t even cry or be frustrated. It’s your carelessness to blame. The only thing you can do is turn the fucking music off.

You feel stupid, showing up to class with that. When you arrive, Minnie was presenting her piece already. It’s gorgeous, and her painting is about love. It’s obvious in the way she’s drawn a portrait of what’s supposed to be her girlfriend, Jamie. There’s strokes of red for her hair, and pink and warm tones all over. Jamie is drawn so beautifully, accentuated features, so much personality in a single portrait. Does she know how beautiful she is in her girlfriend’s eyes?

Jeonghan goes next, and he’s painted triumph. It’s more abstract than a lover’s portrait. It’s smart, and it’s confident, and it’s full of gold accents. You feel ashamed thinking of your own work. You slide the rolled-up canvas behind your desk, and hope nobody notices it. Like a zombie, you’re applauding for everyone’s work, and your hands clap every few minutes, but you’re not even looking at anything anymore. Analysis and appreciation is out of the question. Your own failure is far too distracting. 

Then, Kim Jieong glanced at you for the first time this morning, expectant eyes, anticipating smile, “Come on up, sweetheart”

The rest of the class had apparently finished, and you’re the only one left. It’s easy to lie through your teeth, “I’m sorry, Mr. Jieong…I forgot”

His eyebrows shoot up, and confusion is evident in his gaze, “Forgot what?”

You can feel your friends eyes on you, “I forgot about the assignment” It’s better that he think you’re careless rather than not talented. Jeonghan’s gaze on you was deathly, because he knows you’ve worked on nothing else the past few days. This was the only thing you’d been sleeping and breathing. This was your turning point. Your hope for happiness.

Your professor nods, “I see…”

“I’m sorry” Your voice was small and pathetic but you don’t even feel any remorse. Sadness is so present in you that there’s no room for guilt. You stare at your table, not wanting to look anybody in the eye, especially as he speaks, “These assignments are for a reason, and I hope everybody knows that. We don’t wake up and come all the way here to waste each others time, do we?”

You curl up in your chair, pulling your jacket tight around yourself, and your eyes sting. You could feel his stare of judgement at you as he addressed the class, when you’re the only one at fault. Everybody else did the work. Minnie’s gaze was burning into you too, but you didn’t look up for the rest of class. It’s childish. You just feel embarrassed. You count down the minutes until it’s over. You’re going to go home and redo everything, and hopefully he will forgive you for your lack of tact.

As soon as it’s time, you grabbed your bag, rushing to leave, but his voice echoed through the class, “Y/N. Please stay back. I need to talk to you” 

The dreadful words make you stop in your tracks, but you were already at the door planning your escape. Minnie pinched you in the stomach as she left, “Good luck, babe”

You turned around, clutching your bag to your chest as everybody around you exits, and you know you’re being judged right now. This is a class for professionals. Heartbreak is not an excuse. You take a look at him, “Is everything okay?”

The professor crosses his legs on the stool, seemingly relaxed, and he didn’t look mad, “Just need to discuss something with you. I’ve been thinking about it for a while”

“Okay…” You breathe, running the possibilities in your head. Is he just upset, or is it possible to actually get kicked out of this program because of your fucking carelessness?

Jeonghan stops in front of you, “Should I go ahead, or do you want me to wait for you?”

Your professor was quick to interrupt, “Nate, I appreciate you sticking up for your friend, but I’d like to speak to her alone”

Your heart warmed at the thought that he was going to stay back for you, “It’s okay. I’ll see you tomorrow” You told him, even though you crave his comfort. Soon, the rest of the students trickle out of the classroom, dillydallying and slow to move with no care in the world. You stand by there, waiting patiently as Jieong wraps up his work, packing up his bag and things. As soon as everyone’s gone, you apologise, “I’m so sorry about forgetting the assignment. It was really irresponsible of me, and I can explain”

“Except you didn’t forget” He looked up at you.

“Sorry?”

“The canvas behind your desk. You didn’t really do a great job of hiding it”

“That’s… not my assignment” You protest, “That’s…nothing. It’s a mess”

He got up, “Then you won’t mind if I take a look at it?”

“I promise you, it’s nothing. It’s not worth…” You trailed off, watching as he makes his way there. He unfurls it, and he’s quiet for a few minutes as he stares at your botched painting. The artwork makes no sense. The canvas is completely ruined, and a kid could have done it better. He turns to you, disappointed. “Can you remind me why you’re here, Y/N?”

Your heart breaks even more, “I promise…I’m gonna do better next time”

He steps closer to you, “That’s not what I asked you, Y/N. Why are you in my program? That’s what I want to know”

You’re suddenly finding it hard to breathe, and your mind is blank. There’s no fucking space for your thoughts or for logic or reason, when it’s just been corrupted by memories he left behind, “I’m here… because I’ve always wanted to be”

“Do you think that’s good enough?”

This behavior of his isn’t even out of nowhere. You’ve been a horrible student of lately, you haven’t paid attention, your enthusiasm has been curbed, and your paintings have been tacky and upsetting. You swallowed the lump in your throat, “I’m really trying to be better. I’m…sorry for disappointing--”

“I’m only disappointed because you lied to me”

Your eyes shoot up to his, and his gaze burns you, “What?”

He crossed his arms, stepping close to you until there’s no personal space anymore. There’s no venom in his tone but you know he’s masquerading it because unlike you, he’s a professional who knows how to deal with people like you, “You can’t just choose what you want to do on a whim. That’s not up to you. That’s not what my program is for. This canvas is your assignment. Why are you pretending otherwise? Why didn’t you present it to the class?”

“Because I fucked up”

He didn’t flinch at your usage of the swear word, and he ran a hand over his face, “What emotion were you trying to convey?”

“Peace…”

“And is that how you feel? Peaceful?”

“No…” You sighed, “I feel horrible…” There was a lump in your throat blocking your airways. The pain in your chest was returning. You’re angry at Hyunjin for doing this to you.

“Can you please tell me what’s going on? You didn’t even meet the mentor I took you to see all the way to Pegasus for. Those field trips aren’t optional. I didn’t take you for some city tour. I wanted you to meet Karina. Those opportunities are important. If you miss those… you might as well not be here. This program is for people who value that, we have no room for freeloaders”

Your eyes shoot up to his, panic rising, and your eyes sting with tears, “Professor Jieong—”

“Can you sit down for a minute?” He stepped forward, hand going to your lower back, leading you to your seat. You feel awkward at the touch; the greenhouse studio is empty right now, it’s just you and him here. Would you have to beg him to let you stay in this program? Just like you begged Hyunjin to stay with you? He stands across you when you sit, crossing his arms, a pensive look in his eyes, “I receive…more than ten thousand applications for this program every year. There’s only twenty spaces in this classroom though. I couldn’t possibly look through all the applications myself. You’re aware of that, yes?”

It's hard for you to focus on his words when you only want to cry. In all this fucking sadness, you may just be losing the most important opportunity you ever got, “Yes…”

“I have a team that does it for me. They’re all trusted, close associates. All artists of course, and with all their idiosyncrasies they have a unique way of viewing the world. They hardly ever mess up in finding talent, but earlier this year, one of them did”

“What do you mean?”

“Your file didn’t come in to me. You were sent a rejection, weren’t you?”

The reminder is a punch to your gut, even though it’s in the past and irrelevant now. 

“Did you never wonder how you got in…even after being rejected?” He asked, lips curling up, as if knows the secrets of the universe and is indulging you in all of them. He’s going to tell you it was a mistake after all. You weren’t meant for this. You’ve fucked up so bad.

You wipe the single tear on your cheek as you look up at him, “To be honest…I just decided to take the blessing, and not question further”

He smiled, eyes crinkling, “Of course you did. Well, I think you’d be interested to know how you ended up getting in” You’ve never questioned it until now, and you’re anticipating his next words, "On a hot summer morning, I was supposed to catch a train up north to visit my parents. It was my day off…I don’t get too many of those here” He laughed, “But obviously, I missed the train. Instead of taking the next one, I came back to my office. When I did, I saw your file. It was in the rejected pile, but I took a single look at it and I knew there’d been a mistake. I knew that you had to be in this program. Somebody must have overlooked it, and I’m thankful I saw yours”

Your eyes widened, “What do you mean?” 

“I chose you, Y/N. Everybody else in this class was picked by my peers, by the committee, but you…I picked you myself, so you of all people shouldn’t be falling behind. You have an innate talent and I respect that a lot. I don’t want to be disappointed by you in the future. I know it’s intimidating to join in the middle of a semester, but you…belong here. Don’t question that. Don’t let it fuck you up”

You were dizzy with his compliment, perhaps this validation is the only thing you needed. You didn’t deserve this kindness, “You have a lot of confidence in someone who fucked up their painting so bad, Mr. Jieong”

“If I didn’t, you wouldn’t be sitting here, Y/N” 

“Right…um, thank you” Your lips tugged into a smile, and your chest felt lighter for the first time in a long time. He picked you. 

“That’s the problem with your generation, you’re always doubting yourself so much” He chuckled again, “Imagine if I’d taken that train to see my parents. I’d never seen your application. It would have been such a shame to not have you here with me”

You nodded, standing up to leave, grabbing your things, “That’s a crazy coincidence… Why didn’t you take the train though?”

He shrugged, carrying your canvas for you, so he could walk you out, “They’d closed down the entire platform for a few hours, so couldn’t even if I wanted to”

You frowned, switching off all the lights and glanced at him as the room was plunged in darkness, “Huh. I didn’t know they do that…”

“I didn’t either, but apparently some famous guy was returning to Seoul that day. I’m guessing a lot of fans wanted to see him, there was too big of a crowd. So they ended up shutting down the whole platform. Made me miss my damn train”

“A… music artist?” 

“Yeah! You might have seen it on the news. He’s one of Pegasus’ artists actually. I think he’s also a painter, like you. 

The pain in your chest returned with a bang, “Oh…”

He laughed, “This city and its obsession with celebrities. But I guess if it wasn’t for that… you wouldn’t be here”

“Yeah…”

His hand landed on your shoulder, trying to comfort you but nothing could, “I guess that’s why they say coincidence is just another word for fate, huh?”

»»————-

Unread messages flooded your inbox. Some from Yeonjun, most from Felix… You haven’t ignored them on purpose. You just haven’t had time or the energy to get back to them. They all read the same anyway. Asking about your life in the city, and how it feels to live your dreams. A part of you thought it’s the universe being decidedly cruel to you — reminding you the irony of how you’ve never been this miserable in your life.

And then there was one from Kairi. 

hey! i hope you’ve been doing good. i went to this cute new cafe in gangnam and i thought of you.  i feel like we ended things on the wrong note. could we maybe have a redo of last time? if that’s okay with you

You don’t reply, because you have no idea what you’ll even talk about to her. It’s creepy to pursue friendship with Chan’s ex. You’re supposed to be moving on, not just from him, but from his entire world. 

Your phone buzzes again and it’s a text from Minnie on your group chat. It’s just you, her and Jeonghan in it. You don’t talk too much here, just make plans for class and coffee. So you were surprised at what she had sent you. Maybe she feels pitiful after the way you embarrassed yourself in class earlier.

minnie: so you’re not gonna believe this yn.

yeah? 

minnie: i have a friend of a friend, and he saw a picture of you on my instagram. he thinks you’re really fucking hot.

who?

minnie: just some guy. anyway, do you want me to set you up with him?

noo. please don’t 

minnie: wait you didn’t let me finish. he works in the city, and i haven’t met him yet but my friend said he’s smart and funny. he seems like the kind of guy you’d like?

you’re trying to set me up with someone you’ve never met yourself?

minnie: omg its called a blind date girl

no dates. please.

minnie: all right :( anyway jamie and me are getting drunk tonight. do you wanna come?

You were trying really hard, to make casual conversation more often, to just be a normal fucking human who isn’t heartbroken and defined by your love for someone, so you said yes. You bought a bottle of wine from the store so you could bring it for them, as a gift for inviting you over. 

Minnie’s place was…nice. It’s in the higher end of the city, and she definitely comes from money. You were gathered around her dining table, and you’re sitting with your knees up on her chair. Jamie was lying on the couch across you, and she’s very tipsy already. A glass of wine was balanced on her stomach, and they’re telling you the story of how they met — through mutual friends on a night out in the city, apparently it was love at first sight, and Jamie had asked Minnie out only days after they first met. You didn’t opt for alcohol tonight, instead, you were digging into a large tub of chocolate ice-cream. 

Minnie was sitting cross-legged on the table, in her pajamas, “And then, guess what restaurant she picked for our first date? This…candle-lit fucking expensive place! I was so impressed, and kind of embarrassed I wouldn’t match the vibe—”

“But you looked fucking hot” Jamie interrupted, “We flirted the entire night, and then…we fucked on the very first date. At her place”

“Whoa…” You smiled at their story, tasting another spoonful of ice cream, “And…when did you start dating? Was it soon after that?”

“It’s embarrassing. She asked me to be her girlfriend…the same night” Minnie giggled, covering her face in her hands. She was definitely very tipsy, and you’d only seen her this cheerful around Jamie. In class, she was much more composed and serious, and it’s nice to see the side of her around her lover. She’s so much more open, and happier here.

“Oh” You realised, “And you’ve been together…three years now?”

Minnie grinned, shrugging, “I’d already fallen in love on the first date, no matter how stupid that sounds” 

You smiled at that, and then buried yourself into the ice-cream cup again, licking flecks off the steel spoon. Minnie nudged you, snapping you out of it, “Are you ever gonna tell us what happened with your ex or are we supposed to guess?”

“Minnie…” You rest your head against the wall, “It’s really not as interesting as your story”

“Y/N….” She whined loudly, and she had made her way through the second bottle of wine, the one you’d brought, “You don’t trust us? I promise we’re not gonna judge. Please, please, please”

“It’s not about that” You sighed, but her excitement to know your past was endearing, “I just find it depressing to talk about”

“Well. That’s what we’re here for. How can you move on if you avoid it forever?” Jamie sat up, blanket wrapped around her, and Minnie even shifted closer to you. This felt nice…to have friends here, in a city you couldn’t call home yet.

She was right. The past shouldn’t be your vulnerability. You sighed, staring inside your empty cup, “Well, then I’m gonna need a hell of a lot more ice cream”

“Um, so this is about the guy you mentioned right? The one you had lost touch with?”

You knew you’d be asked this story one day. You had to tell this without naming names. You couldn’t compromise Hyunjin like that. To them, it would just be a guy from your town, not an idol, not someone famous. You curled up your legs, ripping open the plastic of the brand new strawberry ice-cream tub, “I don’t know where to start honestly. It’s kind of a long story, but…um, I had this crazy crush on a boy in my town. He was really cute. He was kind, and funny, and…really really fucking hot” 

Minnie and Jamie laughed at that, eager ears as you continued, “I didn’t think anything would happen between us, because I thought he was into my best friend. Turns out he wasn’t. Me and him ended up kissing one night, it was romantic as hell. I kind of felt like…the main character in those coming-of-age 90s films. Because he was…so old-fashioned in a way? But also, really modern. He’s so romantic” You paused to breathe and all those memories are flooding back, “I was in this…pretty satin dress, and he was in a suit, with like a cropped jacket, and really cool pants. They fit him so well” 

Minnie lived in a high-rise building, and from here, the city lights blinked in the distance, golden specks lighting up the horizon. The memory flooded through you, clear as day. Two people under the night sky, surrounded by mountains on all sides. He had shown you the stars and the sky. You remember telling him that stars would remind you of him now. He had held you in his arms, and imprinted his words into your soul, “And when I look at the city lights…I’ll think of you”

Was he thinking of you now?

The city lights were brighter than ever. 

“Holy shit. Where did he take you on a date to? The Met Gala?” Jamie laughed, “I didn’t know guys our age even wear suits other than to funerals”

“No, it wasn’t a date date. It was just a fancy event in the town” Maybe you had terrible storytelling skills, because nothing made sense and it was all jumbled up, but they were listening intently so you continued anyway. No words could convey your first kiss with him. No sentences could capture your emotions, the lust, the love. 

“But after that kiss, he regret it immediately. He wasn’t really looking for a relationship. Despite that we kept kissing, over and over…and we didn’t stop. It became a thing, I don’t really know what we were doing” You smiled softly, staring at the skyscraper lights from their window, a kaleidoscope of inappropriate memories projected on the glass. You lost your words, blaming your imagination for the way a film reel of those moments was cast onto the windows. Maybe you really were going crazy, staring at the glass, and seeing him touching you in the reflection. Heat rushed to your face, like your dirtiest thoughts were out on display, but Jamie and Minnie were quiet, and this was all in your head anyway. You took a larger serving of the ice-cream this time, the creamy texture melting on your tongue, “I guess that’s when I realised I was absolutely, insanely in love with him, but… then he had to leave”

“Leave for what? The military?” Minnie’s eyes were wide. Jamie shushed her, “Wait, let her talk babe. You can ask your questions later”

“No, not the military, just for his work, and then…” Then came the hard part of this story, “And then he blocked me. For a few months. I don’t know why” 

They frowned, but they didn’t interrupt you, “I saw him in a shop downtown, and he completely walked past me at first…he ignored me. But when we met later, he kissed me. Then he told me he could never see me again” It sounded crazy told all together like this. It didn’t sound like your life. It sounded like a story from some tacky relationship podcast Jeonghan would listen to, but it was the truth. Their eyes were wide as you finished, and you stared at them, feeling naked and vulnerable, “That’s the gist of it”

“He sounds like an asshole” Jamie mumbled, pouring herself another drink. Your gaze shot up to hers. “Is thatwhat I’d made him seem like? That wasn’t my intention. He’s not an asshole, he’s…really nice”

Minnie frowned, “Yeah. No nice guy would do that to someone he cares about”

They didn’t know he was an idol, and they couldn’t know, so it was frustrating that they’d never understand all of it. How could they have guessed that it was forbidden for Hyunjin to love you?

“Honestly that sounds really fucked up. If he actually gave a shit about you, he wouldn’t have ghosted you in the first place, and then he had the nerve to kiss you? God, men are such dicks. As soon he had enough of the sex, he dropped you?”

They didn’t know all the nice things he’d said to you, or the nice things he’d done for you. You shook your head, “No, guys… it wasn’t just about the physical—”

“Did he ever tell you he loved you?”

You swallowed, “No…”

“And he told you he doesn’t do relationships” Jamie scoffed, “That’s what my friend’s ex was like. He said the same thing, and next year he got fucking married to another girl. This boy you’re telling us about…he’s obviously not going to be single forever, especially if he’s as nice as you say he is. If he actually saw any future with you, Y/N, he would have told you”

Minnie sighed, and it seemed like this very specific conversation about you had escalated into a hatred of most men, “It sounds like a fucked up situationship, and babe… if you give him so much importance it’ll only hurt you. He used you, because you’re so fucking nice. Not that that’s your fault, but…he’s just like every guy I know. They like the thrill of the chase, and when they actually get the girl, they’re bored of her”

A fucked up situationship? Maybe that’s what it actually was. Hyunjin had clearly stated that what you and him had only existed in Daejon. Here you were, calling it destiny, stupidly. Your vision became blurry as tears shot up to your eyes, and it was pathetic because you weren’t even drunk, you were just sad and loaded on strawberry ice-cream, “He’s not like that” 

“Why are you defending him?”

You knew they were wrong. Obviously they were wrong, but is that what this seemed like to the outside world? That Hyunjin used you? Because you were easy…and nice? 

Minnie reached out to touch your shoulder, comfortingly squeezing it, “You can do so much better than him, Y/N. From everything you said… he just sounds manipulative as hell”

You put the empty ice cream cup away, “Yeah” You mumbled, “So…what am I supposed to do now?”

“Get yourself out there! Go on dates. Kiss every guy in Seoul if you want to, if that makes you happy. You’re… fucking amazing. Are you seriously going to wait around for a guy who isn’t even trying for you?”

You’ve never been a casual person, but maybe that is what you need now. You’re done with world-shattering true loves. Even Hyunjin had casually been with girls before you, and the thought stung you that he might even be with girls after you. He only had an issue with relationships…and that’s why he’d pushed you away, because he couldn’t give you one. There’d be thousands of other girls who’d be willing to be with him - no label, no expectations, just sex. Yeah, you did need to get yourself out there. How bad could it be?

»»————-

The text said, Meet at eight.

It’s half past, and your date is not here.

You’d dressed yourself in a tight black dress, very revealing and you could hardly breathe. It was from a fancy store in your neighbourhood, and it was far too expensive, but it’d be worth it for tonight. You did your hair in a style Hana had taught you, and you haven’t dolled up like this in a long, long while. The last time you dressed yourself this much…was for the Paint and Wine event in the Château. Tonight is a first for you and you want to make a real good impression. 

Although, it’s been more than thirty minutes and your date hasn’t shown up. You were sitting at the bar, getting anxious and impatient. Looking around, the place was full, everybody seemed to be on a date, and nobody’s looking at you. Nobody was looking for you. You’re only a little mortified, and the best case scenario is…that he got the timing wrong, or that he got busy and decided this wasn’t worth his time. Minnie told you he’s working, so he obviously has a more hectic schedule than yours. The worst case? That he saw you and left.

“Can I get you anything?” The bartender asked, leaning over the wooden bar, “You’ve been here a while…”

“I’m waiting for somebody to show up. A date…” You explained, and understanding settled into his features. He headed back to the rest of his customers, and you wonder if he’s going to gossip about the poor stood-up girl at the bar. They must see this a lot everyday. This bar seems fancy, your blind date suggested you meet here so he seems like a man with good standards. There’s a dance floor and blaring Latin music, which brings in most of the crowd. You texted Minnie, um am i at the right bar?

shit he’s not there yet?

You decided to order a drink so tonight isn’t useless after all, and you browsed through the flimsy, paper menu. It’s got stains of ketchup on it, and it’s gross but it reminds you that you hadn’t ate in hours. You wanted to be able to fit into this dress and to leave enough room for dinner with him. Your eyes caught sight of the familiar names of drinks that Hyunjin had wanted to make you but didn’t have the ingredients for. You ended up choosing a Tequila Sunrise instead. You don’t really want to taste an Italian Dolce Vita and discover what you missed out on that last night in Daejon with him.

An hour has passed now. You were most definitely stood-up, but you’re stubborn so you would stay until the end of tonight, and if he ever did show up you’d forgive your date in a second. Your drink was empty, you’d chugged it to calm your nerves. Your napkin was soggy, and the other couples who sat at the bar have already made their way to second base: the dance floor where they’re grinding up against each other. You have resorted to playing with the condensation drops on your glass, observing the way the water falls onto the countertop.

A blind date was how this had all started, back in the bowling alley, so why were you getting yourself into it again? Maybe you should have more dignity, and walk away right now, but you were so desperate. If you leave tonight, you’d never work up the courage again to go on a date, and you need this more than anything. You feel so stupid, and maybe Hana’s actions that past summer actually make sense anyway. You would do anything to forget Hyunjin. You’d date …almost anybody to get over him. Even if it’s a guy who kept you waiting for an hour by yourself. 

“Hey. Um. Are you Y/N?” An unfamiliar voice asked. You turned around to see a boy in a maroon button-up. He’s finally here, and your heart calms a little because he’s actually cute. All Minnie had said about him was that he was smart and funny, so it’s a relief that he’s easy on the eyes too. He looked older than you, and he’s got kind eyes and curly hair. Although it’s a bit off-putting that he’s wearing a baseball cap indoors. It felt like you’re both dressed for different occasions, but you are not going to complain. No matter what happens tonight, you can’tcomplain. This isn’t the time to be picky. It’s the time to take whatever life throws at you, because clearly that’s the only way you’re going to find somebody genuinely interested in you.

“Hey, Kang-min, right?” You forced a smile at him, and suddenly you’re so nervous. This is the first real date you’ve ever been on in ages. 

The boy took the empty barstool next to you, and eyed your glass, “Sorry I was late, I had a friend emergency. I hope you’re not drunk already. That’d be mean”

You smiled, watching the way he sat so comfortably like this was routine for him, “It was just one drink. Don’t worry, I just came here too” Just a little white lie so he wouldn’t feel too guilty.

His eyes flickered over your dress, falling to your cleavage, “Did you buy that just for me?”

It was so forward that it caught you off guard. Your eyes widened, and you don’t want to give away how much tonight could possibly mean to you. So you said, “Um. Depends. Do you like it?”

He laughed, gaze on your bare legs and thighs, shamelessly checking you out, “Guess you’ll find out”

You don’t really know what to say so you smile at him, hoping he also likes the shade of red lipstick you’re wearing. He looks around the place, catching a feel for it, and then back at you. He looked at the bartender, snapping his fingers to catch his attention and ordered a drink for himself. A large beer. Tasteful. He looked at you and asked, “So…what’s your damage, pretty?”

“Sorry?”

His drink arrived pretty fast, and he lift the large glass to his lips. In a single go, he finished all of it, and you’re surprised at how fast he drank this. He had foam on his upper lip as he said, “You agreed to go on a blind date. Your last relationship must have been seriously fucked up”

You hoped you masqueraded your frown, “I just wanted to try something new”

“Right…makes sense” He tsked, “So my friend told me you’re an artist”

You smiled, relieved the conversation steered in a direction you were familiar with, “Yup. I study at a studio in the city. It’s an art program under this artist--”

He interrupted you, “I hear artists infamously make almost no money, but I mean you’re living in Seoul. You must be pretty well off” He pointed at you, almost accusatory, a grin on his face, “Let me guess, rich parents. Trust fund. Private school education”

You shook your head, a little offended and surprised that he made such an assumption in five minutes of knowing you, “No. I…I worked a couple of years and saved up for this”

He called the bartender again, to order a second beer and seemed surprised, “That takes some serious hustle. Why art then? You could’ve picked anything in the world”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…not to offend anyone, but there’s no money in art. What’s the point of it then?”

“Um…” You laughed, nervously. You realised that you’ve never been asked this question before. Most people in your life knew you since birth, and never questioned your passion for it, “It’s just what I like to do. It makes me really happy to paint beautiful things—”

“So you don’t paint about real shit?”

“Sorry?”

“I think my personal pet peeve is when people pretend the world is so great and lovely, even though everything’s so fucked up. Seems like you look at the world with rose-tinted glasses, if you only like to paint all the nice, pretty things, and not something that actually matters”

“I think art can be about everything, and that’s the beauty of it. It doesn’t always have to make a social statement, but it can always be interpreted as such. Some art is just about capturing the beauty of our world, and that’s okay too” You forced a smile, wanting to get the heat off you, “Um so you never told me… What do you do?”

He looked at you over the rim of his glass, “I’m a pharmacy tech. In short; I make important phone calls, and deal with horribly annoying people”

So that’s why Minnie said he was smart, “Oh…that must have taken a lot of studying”

“Yeah. Not everyone can do it, but somebody has to” He laughed, “I stepped up. I make good money though. So, um, aren’t you going to get another drink, Y/N or are you a lightweight?”

“I’m good” You smiled, although you were hungry as fuck because you’d been waiting for him so long, “Maybe we could order the food now?”

“Here?” He chuckled, “It’s really not worth it, I only come here for the beer. You didn’t get dinner before this?”

“I…I thought we’d eat together”

He laughed, pushing his curls out of his face, “No, I’d rather get drunk with you…and we can dance”

You looked to the dance floor which smelled of sweat and other things you don’t want to think of, “Maybe we could just talk more. I’ll just get another drink then”

He smiled, then looked at the bartender, “A beer for the lady”

“Actually, I might get wine” 

His eyes narrowed, and he chuckled, “Oh. Let me guess. You want the most expensive one, right?”

You blinked, “Um…no I’m okay with any. The cheapest one is fine too”

He laughed, throwing his head back, “No wine is cheap, pretty. ”

“I can pay for it” You offered. Ugh. You wanted him to like you so bad. 

“No, no, you’re out with me. You should have a real drink” He went ahead and ordered a beer for you. He probably thought you were the most boring girl in this entire city, so you agreed. You needed tonight to go well. Obviously, he wasn’t anything like Hyunjin, but no one could be. If you compared every boy to him, you’d never find anybody. So this would have to do. You sipped on the beer, and it tasted bitter and so horrible, but you swallowed anyway, shooting him a smile. You’d been miserable for long, you needed to let go, and have fun. You could be that kind of girl.

He grinned, reaching forward to grab your thigh, fingers clawing against your skin, “You’re cute”

You were distracted by the suddenness of his touch, and you laughed, nervously, “Thank you. You’re cute too. I like your piercings”

“Yeah?” He tilt his head, smirking, “You’re like the tenth girl to say that to me. I must be doing something right”

You didn’t have much experience with first dates... was it always this fucking awkward? His hand was inching closer up your thigh. You shifted away slightly, hoping he wouldn’t notice. Sure, he was attractive, but you weren’t attracted to him yet. It was too soon. 

“So…you said you’re late because of a friend emergency? What was it?” You wanted hoping to keep the conversation going, and to keep it interesting. You wanted to know more about him. 

“Ugh. Do not remind me” He rolled his eyes.

“Sorry” You apologised, “Is your friend okay?”

“Nope. He ran out of some weed, so I had to run down and get some for him. Even though he knew I had a date tonight and hot girls rank higher in priority than weed”

“Oh…you seem like a good friend”

He was a perfectly cute boy, why couldn’t you let loose? Just because you’d been attracted to Hyunjin from the first time you saw him, did not mean it’d happen with everybody else. That kind of shit was once in a lifetime, and if you started expecting those sparks from every future relationship, you’d be lonely forever. But all you could wish for was him. The way he was around you, how he talked to you… the way your body was on fire when he so much as breathed near you. The thought choked you. There was no way you’d be hung up on him forever. You had to move on. It had to be as fast as possible, and tonight should be it. How often would a guy agree to go on a date with you anyway? 

So, when his hand landed on your thigh again, and slipped under the hem of your dress, you didn’t stop him. You forced a smile, hoping somehow your body would cooperate, and you’d actually start enjoying it. His nails were long, digging into your upper thigh, inching closer to your underwear. 

“Maybe we could play a drinking game or something. To get to know each other better” You suggested. 

“Okay” He agreed, pulling his bar stool closer and leaned in, “Name of the last guy you fucked”

Your eyes widened, “Whoa. You’re getting right to it…” What game was this? Why would he want to know that anyway?

He tilt his head, smirking, “Don’t stall. You have fucked, right?”

Oh… So he just wanted to know if you were a virgin. “Yeah. I have” You tried to change the topic, trying not to feel disgusted at this implication, “Isn’t it my turn to ask you something now? I mean…according to the game”

Kangmin smiled, lazily, running a hand through his curls, “You’re…already playing pretty hard to get though. We’ll have plenty of time to know each other. My place is pretty close. We’ve got all night.” 

So…he probably only picked this bar because he lived close by. Maybe this was his way of flirting with you, or you ended up going on a date with the worst guy in Korea. This was how the rest of your life would be? He leaned in closer to you, and his breath reeked of beer, and you realised in horror that he wanted to kiss you. You couldn’t. You moved away, before his lips could touch yours, hoping your unease would disappear, “Sorry. I’m nervous”

He hummed, almost taking this as a challenge, hand sliding under your dress completely, “A few more drinks then?”

You felt nauseous, instead of turned on. God, what the fuck were you doing here. This was a mistake. You couldn’t do this. “Actually. I’m just…gonna run to the bathroom for a minute” You grabbed your purse. 

He sat up straighter, a smirk on his lips, “Oh? That’s where you want to take this?"

Your eyes widened at his implication, “What? No…I…I just need to go”

“Oh” He looked disappointed, and a little confused, like he couldn’t comprehend why you wouldn’t want to fuck him in a random club bathroom. 

You got up, making your way through the dance floor. When you looked back, he was already ordering another beer for the two of you. You shouldn’t have agreed to this date. You don’t know what you expected. It had surely helped Hana, but she moved on from Yeonjun with Hyunjin. Of course that helped her. For their date, he took her to the coolest Japanese restaurant in Daejon, and a part of you thought tonight could be like that. Of course it couldn’t. That was her. That was him. This was all you. 

It was freezing outside, and there was an alley of smokers right at the exit. Mostly old men, and some younger girls, blowing puffs of smoke into your face as you passed them. You leaned against the brick wall, trying to book a cab, but to your luck, there were none available. Your first instinct was to text Yeonjun, but he was on a work retreat, as far as you remember. Although Jeonghan… had told you he was going to be out in the city today. If he was close enough…maybe he could help you get home. You dialled his number.

“Y/N! how’s it going?” He asked, and then immediately said, “Wait, if you’re calling me in the middle of your date that means—”

“Can you come pick me up? Please. There’s no taxis” You blurted. A few of the smokers were eyeing you up, and you covered your chest with your arms, stepping away from their cloud of smoke, “And um…I don’t feel comfortable taking the train back alone”

He paused, “Uhh…you’re at the bar downtown?” 

“Yeah…I know it’s out of the way. I’m really sorry to bother you, I just—”

“I’m on my way, Y/N. Don’t apologise”

You squeezed your eyes shut in relief. You tried to catch your breath, but there was no fresh air here. Minutes passed so slowly, and you were shivering against the brick wall. Everytime a guy approached you, you just pretended to be on your phone, hoping Jeonghan would be here soon. The back door to the club opened, and your blind date, Kang-min stepped out. He walked straight to you, and he looked…really pissed. You straightened up, watching him get closer. “What the fuck?” He laughed, “I was waiting for you to come back”

“I…I’m sorry” You apologised, “I was feeling sick”

He seemed upset, “You didn’t even pay for your drink”

“Oh. I’m sorry. I just—” You reached into your purse, but just as you did, you spotted Jeonghan on the other side of the street. When he saw you, he did a little jog up to you.

You looked back at Kang-min, “I have to go. My friend is here”

“What?” Your blind date asked, stepping closer.

“Whoa, whoa. Back off, dude" Jeonghan made it to you, eyes narrowed at him, “Let’s go, Y/N” He grabbed your hand, pulling you to his side.

Kang-min laughed, “Whatever. You aren’t even that hot, bitch”

Before you could say anything, Jeonghan tugged at your hand, taking you away from a possible confrontation, “Come on, the subway is close by”

“Fuck. Shit. I’m really sorry” You apologised, running your hands through your hair, trying to process what you just put yourself through. You followed behind him as you walked to the nearest station. He shook his head, making sure you stayed close to him, “No, no don’t be. I’m sorry it took me so long. I missed this stop at first”

Technically, you could have taken the train home yourself, but it was late and…you were in the worst mood. Jeonghan bought the tickets, and you waited at the platform, squeezing your purse in your hands. A little bakery was still open at the station, and he asked, “You already ate dinner, right?”

“Yeah. Let’s just go home” You mumbled. He did not need to know that your supposed fancy dinner date consisted of only cheap beer. You could have some cold pizza when you got home. The train arrived, and you boarded it, standing next to him in a corner, away from the crowd. You were so fucking embarrassed, but he wasn’t judging you.

So no more blind dates for you then… or perhaps it was a work in progress, and you would just have to keep powering through. It wasn’t Minnie’s fault either, she had no idea about the guy being…such an asshole. You stared out at the window as the train whizzed by stations, trying to not feel so sorry for yourself. Jeonghan asked you about the blind date, and you told him the gist of it.

He shook his head, releasing a groan, “That sounds really annoying, sorry. It sucks that most guys I know here are all like that. I’m surprised he even let you leave”

You swallowed, “Yeah. Were you busy when I called?”

“I was just working on an assignment”

“Oh, I’m sorry”

“I’m obviously kidding” He laughed, “It’s a Saturday night, I was at a party at my friends’”

“Oh. Is he gonna be mad you left?”

“It doesn’t matter. I told him my friend needed help getting out of a date. He totally understood. This happens here more than you think, unfortunately” 

Your place wasn’t too far from the bar, and you arrived sooner than you thought. Jeonghan even chose to walk you home, not wanting you to take any deserted alleys on your own. You stopped in front of your building, and he asked you, “You gonna be fine?”

You blew a puff of cold air, leaning against the front wall, “Yeah. I just…I don’t think I should have gone on the date”

He tucked a stray hair behind your ear, smiling at you, “At least you have a funny story to tell the kids”

You scoffed, “What kids? At this rate, I’m going to die alone”

“You’re dramatic. I’m sure the other dates you go on will be better. Hopefully”

“Yeah…” You already dreaded the idea of going on more dates, “I just thought…it’d help me not be stuck in the past, you know? Or maybe the only thing that can help me is that potion from the movie you were telling me about. Eternal Sunshine, was it?”

Jeonghan laughed loudly, “It’s not a potion, Y/N! It’s a science fiction movie, not fantasy”

You rolled your eyes, smiling, “Whatever”

“Maybe we can get you on a dating app. If you’re looking to casually mess around with a decent guy, those are good. It requires more effort, but…some guys are sweet. At least better than the blind date you had”

You smiled, “Hmm. Are you on a dating app?”

“Why? Would you swipe on me, if you saw me on one?” He sounded so coy.

Your eyes flickered over him. Under the lights on the street where you lived, Jeonghan looked pretty. He looked safe. Tonight he was dressed in a simple white tee, a flannel covering him, hanging off one shoulder. You smiled, a flush rising to your cheeks, “No but seriously, thanks for…rescuing me tonight”

“Mmh, that was very damsel in distress of you to call me like that” 

You smiled up at him, “Don’t push it”

“I’m just surprised you actually agreed to go on a date. Minnie and her girlfriend must have had some magical convincing powers”

You sighed, “I thought kissing somebody else would help me. Maybe I should have just let him kiss me, but I might have thrown up if he did. Tonight…was an absolute failure.”

Jeonghan let out a soft hum at your words, “I see”

“What?” You frowned, standing up straighter.

“Ah. Don’t pout. Wasn’t a total failure. I got to see you all dressed up. You’re usually showing up to class in just sweats”

“Are you making fun of my heartbreak?” You laughed, pushing him lightly.

He stumbled back on the curb, laughing, “And are you trying to kill me? Don’t push me onto the road, Y/N!”

You giggled, pulling him back on the sidewalk, “There’s no cars, Jeonghan. You’re so dramatic”

He frowned, throwing his hands up, “I was just saying that if you want to kiss someone tonight. I…wouldn’t be totally opposed to the idea.” 

He floated that suggestion so casually. Your eyes widened at it, and you didn’t know what to make of it, “You’re…joking, right?”

He shrugged, and there was no nervousness, “If your big dream of tonight was to kiss some guy…I mean, you’re my friend. It’s not a big deal”

“So a pity kiss?” You frowned, but a smile tugged at your lips.

He rolled his eyes, “Oh my god. If you don’t want a kiss, then just—”

You didn’t let him finish, stepping ahead, hand grabbing his face down to yours. Your mouth met his, if only to shut him up. He immediately kissed you back, hands threading through your hair, messing up your fancy hair. His lips were rough, but it was nice…because it was different. That’s exactly what you wanted right now, a taste of something new and unfamiliar. Maybe you were trying to prove something by kissing him. He stepped ahead to be closer, and tilt his head, deepening the kiss. Your breath hitched in your throat, and you pulled away. It only lasted a few seconds.

He pulled back too, mouth stained from your lipstick, “Mm. That wasn’t too bad”

You stared up at him, “You’re so annoying”

He hummed, voice breathy, “Your lips are really soft, Y/N. What lip balm do you use?”

You sighed, “I should have just pushed you on the street”

“Ouch. I just gave you a pity kiss and you have the audacity to threaten me?”

“Shut up!” You laughed, shoving him away. You were thankful he didn’t make this awkward and didn’t read into it.

“No, I’m serious. It was really, really good. You’re a great kisser…but I should tell you, and this is really important…”

“Yes…?”

“You taste like cheap beer”

“Ugh…I know” You closed your eyes, feeling tiredness seep into your limbs, “Anyway, I should go”

He nodded at you, “Yup. See you in class tomorrow”

You waved goodbye, making your way up to your apartment, feeling the sensation of his lips on yours still. The kiss was nice…but there was nothing electric about it. It was nothing like what it could be. It’s like you’d taken one step forward, and two steps back. Tonight was all about moving on, but everything that happened had just made you miss Hyunjin more.

»»————-

This time, you bought the coffee. You found a cute table, over by the window, and you waited. Your earphones were plugged in, but it’s on mute, and you’re choosing to listen to the sounds of the cafe instead. The cafe you discovered with your friends was so cute. Plants hung from every corner, and there was cool seating; couches with crochet pillows and pink heart-shaped seats. It had so much personality, and it fuelled your inspiration. It could be your new haven.

The chair opposite you shifted, and Kairi sat down. “There you are. I’m dying for some caffeine” She smiled, cherry-colored lips. She was dressed in a fleece bomber jacket. You shot her a smile, trying to not be nervous, “Hey… Did you want a Mocha? I wasn’t sure if you’d like the same as last time”

“Americano” She told you, settling comfortably like you did this each day. She had been so sweet to you even in the few moments you had with her. She was a breath of fresh air. So, after your failure of a date, you had finally texted her back, and decided to let her into your life. Maybe you could immerse yourself into your new friendships, and you could move on like that. When you were standing in line to buy her coffee, you glanced in her direction and she was smiling at you, fondly. She hadn’t seemed upset that you didn’t text her back for so long. You wondered how much she knew about you, how much Hyunjin told her, or even Chan. 

When you walked back to the table with coffee and snacks, you feared there might not be anything to talk about if she already has existing assumptions of you, but once your conversation started…it didn’t end.

“So you’ve only been here a few weeks right?” Kairi was sipping on her coffee, a plate of half-eaten biscuits laid between you. From here, you had a perfect view of the street and it looked Parisian. It’s good for people-watching, but right now, Kairi’s the most interesting thing here, “You seem like you’re settling in well”

“I think so. I’ve lost track” You answered her, reaching for a biscuit, “I moved here in the fall, and it’s almost winter now, but it also feels like no time has passed”

“You’re so lucky” She hummed. 

You lift an eyebrow, “Why?”

“I’ve always had this crazy dream, to move somewhere new. A place where people would have absolutely no idea who I am. I could have a new name, new job” She laughed, “Like a secret identity”

“Why would you want that?”

She shrugged, wiping biscuit crumbs off her mouth, “I’m curious to see what kind of person I might be in another country… if I’d behave differently, if I’d have different reactions to situations…if I’d have the same kind of friends, or job”

“Oh…wow” You blinked, “You’ve actually thought it through”

“Well, yes” She shook her head, smiling, “You did start over. How’s that been for you, Y/N?"

You leaned back in your seat, it’s a plush leather and pink in color. In this moment, it doesn’t feel like this is the first real conversation you’re having with her, “It’s harder in practice, Kairi. I think your baggage ends up following you everywhere”

She leaned forward, and her eyes were sparkling, “No, but what if it didn’t? What if you could have…a clean slate? What would you do, Y/N?”

“What would I do….?” You’re left wondering. In a way, Seoul was your clean slate, but you’ve let it be tainted by your sadness, “I think I’d move to Paris…or a big city like Milan. I would…have a cool, catchy name, and I’d dye my hair a crazy color”

Kairi laughed, “Really? And what would you do in a city so big?”

“I don’t know. I would love to set up those little stalls at crowded places like the Eiffel Tower, and paint tourists, capturing them at their happiest. People are always so carefree on their vacations, and they’re always dressed their best. Even if I don’t make much money doing their portraits…I’d kill to give them a beautiful memory, something they could hang on their fridge door or something, you know what I mean? It’s not ambitious at all but man, I could imagine doing that for years and enjoying it”

Kairi was smiling wide, eyes crinkling as you talked, and you suddenly felt embarrassed for the way you’d been rambling, “Um sorry. I don’t know what came over me. That’s not what you asked”

This was strange because…you haven’t felt excited like this in a long while. You felt inspired. It’s as if something has changed, just from her presence. She put you at ease. 

“No, you’re so cute. Your dreams are beautifully simplistic” She told you, and you almost blushed.

“What would you do, Kairi? If you could be anyone in the world?” You had a newfound vigor and energy, only from this conversation alone. Was it really so simple to find motivation? 

“I would move to the countrysides of Japan…or an island in Hawaii. Somewhere away from people. It would be nice to have so much time for myself, and not be surrounded by millions of others”

Your heart warmed hearing her talk, “We want the exact opposite things. That’s kind of funny. You should move to Daejon”

Kairi laughed, “Hyunjin told me it was beautiful”

Your smile fell, momentarily, and you nodded, “It is. Yeah. What else did he tell you…about me?”

Her lips parted, to answer, but before she could, your phone buzzed loudly on the table.

“Who is that?” She asked. You looked up at her in surprise. “Sorry” She apologised, cheeky, “I’m nosy like that”

“It’s my neighbour” You told her, reading Jeongin’s text, “Apparently he locked himself out. He needs help getting back in”

She frowned, “That’s annoying”

“Yeah, he’s always helping me get in, like every second day…” You told her, typing in a reply to tell Jeongin you’d be there soon.

Kairi sat up straighter, a sad pout on her face, “I guess that means you have to leave”

“Yeah. Shit” You realised, “I’m sorry. I would like to stay more—”

She reached across the table, grabbing your hand, and you noticed she’s wearing a charm bracelet, similar to one you had, “Don’t worry about it. You’ll just have to make it up to me then”

You tilt your head, “How?”

“Same time. Tomorrow”

You smiled at her eagerness, “Um…I’m not sure if I’ll be free, Kairi. I might have class…”

She squeezed your hand, “Regardless, I’ll be here. I have some work on my laptop…and I prefer to work out here, so…”

And that was it.

You rushed home to Jeongin, helping him get into the building, and he was intensely apologetic of cutting your plan short. He’d been standing on the porch steps, hands in his pockets, and a sheepish smile on his face, “Shit. I ruined your day, didn’t I?”

You shook your head, inserting your keys into the doorknob, “Not at all. I wasn’t going to let you stand out here in the cold. And are we still in the 18th century? You should talk to Mr. Kwon and have digital keypads put in or something. He loves you, so he’d listen to you”

He watched you from where he stood, arms crossed over his chest, “What happened today?”

You glanced back at him, “Sorry?”

“You haven’t had a proper conversation with me in days”

You stilled, not realising that you’d done so, you hadn’t meant to be so flippant, “Jeongin, I’m sorry, I…”

“You don’t need to apologise. It’s good. I like it. You seem chatty today”

You smiled, “Um. I just met a friend for coffee”

“Ah. Is that all it takes to win your heart?” 

You rolled your eyes, “Stop…”

“Is it the same friend that dropped you off the other day? That boy?”

Your eyes widened, “How do you know that? Have you been spying on me”

“You wish” He walked past you on the stairs, “That was an awkward kiss, Y/N. Haven’t your friends in the city taught you anything yet?” 

You gasped, following up after him, “What do you mean it was awkward?”

Jeongin laughed, stopping in front of his apartment door, “I’m kidding. Is that dude your boyfriend?”

You hugged your bag, leaning against the stairwell, “No… he’s just my friend from class”

Jeongin smiled, “I see…well, if you ever wanna hang out with someone not from your class…” He pointed to his door, “My doorbell’s right here”

Then he left, and you stood at the stairwell, a soft smile on your face. 

»»————-

The table by the window with the heart-shaped chairs was occupied. Kairi sat on one side, laptop before her, a cup of tea and a gochujang sandwich with the meat spilled out. The chair opposite her was empty, for you. She didn’t see you when you walked in, too busy typing super fast on the laptop. “No coffee today?” You asked, sitting down. 

She seemed surprised, cheeks dimpling as she smiled at you, looking away from her work, “You made it. How was class?”

You hung your scarf over the back of the pink seat, glancing outside. It could have been a beautiful afternoon, if the weather weren’t so dreary. “It was just work in studio time... I left early.”

“You’re kidding me. I feel special” She grinned, eyebrows raising teasingly. She is special. There’s something about her that’s changed the energy in you, making you get out of bed today.

“I didn’t want to keep you waiting” You admitted, folding your arms on the little table, “And I thought we could pick up where we left off. I was wondering about it all night”

“Hmm, right. You can text me too, you know?” She leaned forward, head in her hands, “You asked me a question yesterday. You still want to know?”

You’d asked her what Hyunjin had said about you, and you swallowed. Immediately there’s a damper in your mood, “I…I was just really curious, because…” What if he talked shit about you? What if all she knew about you were your flaws? Your gut hurt and you shook your head, “Actually, I don’t want to know, never mind”

She sensed the drop in you, “Don’t worry about that. You’re mine to know now”

“What do you mean?”

“I mean…I want to know you on my own terms. Not through secondhand stories of your personality. We don’t need to talk about him, at all”

It’s like a weight lifted off your chest, “We don’t…?”

You don’t want your friendship with her to stem from Hyunjin, because…Hyunjin has given up on you. He’s lost all hope for the two of you, and you can’t let that taint this new beginning. In an ideal world, you could erase him from your mind, and nothing would be tainted by the beauty of his existence. He’s ruined everything for you, because the happiness of nothing can compare to him. 

You want the exclusivity of her. She wants to know you without the attached drama of broken hearts. You also want to know the real Kairi, without Chan, and it seems like she wants to know you too, without Hyunjin. 

“We don’t have to ever talk about him, if you don’t want to. I don’t want to spend all our time talking about boys anyway” She smiled, and it’s a relief. Your shoulders relax. You don’t want to relive the past like you did with Minnie and Jamie. 

You smiled too, “Well anyway…I see that you’re having tea today”

She laughed, a pleasant sound that calmed you, “Well, if we’re going to be doing this everyday, I have to start being more healthy”

“Everyday…?”

A single cup of coffee turned into a week’s worth. A week turned into a month, and quickly, it became obvious that she was your favourite person to hang out with in the city. Yeonjun was there, but he was different. Jeonghan and Minnie were closer to you everyday, but you only talked about art. Kairi and you talked about everything, and anything. Anything except him. She told you about her work, about the drama and the gossip with her coworkers. You told her about the movies Felix used to drag you to, and the music that played on repeat in Aera’s. You hadn’t made time for a movie since forever, so one day, she took you to the theater and instead of your routine coffee, you had soda.

You like to sketch while you talk, and she sits across you, finishing up her work. Her corporate job is tough, but you keep each other entertained. Your art still isn’t too inspired. You’re struggling, and you come home to an empty bed each night. There’s nights you get lost in the memories of summer, and there are mornings when you wake up from dreams of him. Sweet dreams. Dirty dreams. Beautiful, out-of reach dreams. In your dreams, he’s yours still.

All your afternoon naps remind you of him. Something about the sunlight, the warm wooden floors and you have an urge to be in his arms. So you stop sleeping during the day. In the moonlight and secrecy of your bed, you still touch yourself to thoughts of only one boy. You can’t help it.

All of the people who said time heals all wounds, were actually right. Each day, the burden is less. It feels like you were inching closer and closer to a state of not just being heartbroken. You had your moments though, like when Jeonghan would take you home after class, the skyscrapers would reflect onto the train windows, and you’d think of how prettier the blinding lights would be through Hyunjin’s eyes. Your own couldn’t capture the beauty he could see.

There’d be moments -- when someone in the coffee shop would order a vanilla iced latte with whipped cream and sprinkles, and your heart would skip a beat, wondering if he’d be on the other end of the counter to take it. But of course, Hyunjin could never walk into a crowded coffee shop in the middle of Seoul.  

On the other hand…Kairi and you are closer every day. The day you invited her to your apartment, she met Jeongin on the staircase, and she fawned over how contagious his smile was. She picked you up from the Atelier one day, and bumped into your friends from class, and she loved them too. She can be intimidating sometimes, with her classy clothes, bold personality…but she has endless love to give to everyone, and she’s not a fan of keeping it hidden. You love that the most about her. It’s easy to be happier around her. You wonder how her and Chan ever made it work. A love like theirs shouldn’t be behind closed doors. 

On a Thursday afternoon, you were none the wiser when she told you, “So…my birthday’s next week”

You spilled your coffee at the revelation, staring up at her in shock, “You’re telling me now?”

Her eyes widened at the reaction, and she pulled out a tissue from the dispenser to wipe the table clean as she laughed, “Why not?”

“That’s…not enough time”

“For?”

“I have to buy you a present”

She giggled, “A present? You don’t need to, Y/N”

You scoffed, and you’re so much more comfortable around her now, “I kind of have an obsessive problem when it comes to birthdays”

She shook her head, “You really don’t need to get me anything. Some of my friends from work are throwing a party, and I’d like you to be there. Obviously”

“A party?”

She smiled, “It’ll be fun. You can invite Jeonghan too. It won’t be too big a thing, but I’m guessing there’s gonna be a lot of plus-ones”

“Where is it?”

She smiled, sipping her coffee in between. She’d given up on tea after the first time, “So…there are these campgrounds outside Seoul. It’s a few hours from the city, it’s alongside the bank of the Han River. There’s a lot of…outdoorsy shit there, volleyball courts, barbecue grills, some cabins if anyone wants to stay overnight, canoes. I was thinking it’d be nice to go there.

“That…sounds amazing actually”

“I don’t know what to wear yet. Everybody’s going to be in swimsuits, since the river’s right there and my friends all love to go out on it, skinny dip and everything”

“Oh wow” You blinked, and Kairi’s friends sound as free-spirited as her, “Maybe…I could help you choose what to wear?”

She clapped her hands, a wide smile on her face and you love seeing her like this, “Perfect. I know what we’re doing tomorrow”

»»————-

The curtains of the trial room parted, and Kairi stepped out, doing a spin for you. The lights of the boutique are harsh, but Kairi looks amazing. She doesn’t dress up much — you’ve seen her entire range of dark sweaters, and graphic jackets over the weeks by now.

“Shit, you look amazing” You realised, eyes roaming her figure. A black bikini hugged her tightly, and it was the sexiest swimsuit you’d ever seen. Under the bust, two silver chains hugged her torso, sparkling under the store lights, wrapping around her navel too.

She had a smile on her lips, and she seemed satisfied with it too, “Is this the one?”

You’re in a cute boutique, it sells dresses and swimsuits and silver jewellery. It’s decorated prettily, and there’s not many people here because it’s not summer. It’s rapidly approaching winter, and in a few weeks, it’ll be Christmas. 

“It’s the one” You nodded, standing up to circle around her, “You look…gorgeous. Everybody will fall in love with you”

Her smile fell at those words.

You must have said the wrong thing, “What’s wrong?”

She shook her head, “Chris would love it so much. He was always hyping me up, especially when I bought new clothes because I barely ever did”

She didn’t talk about him much. In fact, this was one of the first few times she brought him up. Every time she did talk about him, it was with confidence. They had broken up ages ago, but she was never angry about it. How does she possess such ease in her, to talk of a failed love? If it was so confident, why would it end?

With trepidation, you voiced your thoughts, “Can I…ask you what happened?” 

It was a shot in the dark, of course. She didn’t have to tell you the truth, and you could handle not knowing. She wasn’t surprised you’d asked. She just sat down on the boutique floor, stretching her legs onto the fluffy carpet, “Uh…it’s not that big of a deal”

You joined her, crossing your legs, touching her hand, “You can tell me, but only if you’re comfortable with that”

“Someone threatened to kill me” She chuckled.

“What?”

“It was probably an empty threat” She shrugged, “No big deal”

“But…why? What, I don’t understand?”

She tilt her head, “You know Yoko Ono?”

“John Lennon’s wife?”

She nodded, “After she got married to him, and The Beatles broke up…everybody blamed her for it. Apparently he was putting her before the music, and she was one of the reasons the band ended. Could you imagine how much people hated her? They singlehandedly blamed her for the breakup of…the most iconic band in the world”

Your brows furrowed, “But what has that got to do with you?” 

“A few months ago, a paparazzi spotted Chan…at a luxury store” She breathed in. Your heart skipped a beat, watching Kairi talk.

“I guess he was…looking at engagement rings. I don’t know for sure. Maybe he was buying something for himself” She breathed, “But after the news of that came out and people realised that the Bang Chan may be getting married…”

“Oh…”

“People think I’m gonna be the Yoko Ono here” She forced a smile, “That he’s gonna get caught up in this relationship, and not pay attention to their music. That he’ll choose me over the fame”

“Kairi…I’m so sorry” You traced a soothing circle on her skin, but you had goosebumps from just listening to her, “That’s fucking unfair”

“Anyway, those pictures were the beginning of the threats. I wasn’t too concerned…because honestly, Chris is the only thing that mattered to me, if he was happy, if he was okay. As long as he was good, I would be too. But Pegasus thought they were real. And Chris…he was scared for me”

“I’d be scared too”

She let out another scoff, but she was shaking, and you could tell how much this bothered her, “So instead of marrying the love of my life…we broke up.”

Your chest wrenched, “I’m…so sorry, Kairi”

She nodded, head bending down, and squeezed your hand, “I’m sorry too. It’s stupid that the entire life me and him had planned together may not ever happen because of a few threats posted online by losers. Maybe they were real though. I don’t know. I guess I’ll never know”

“Couldn’t the company do something about it?”

She scoffed, “The company won’t do shit. They can protect Chris all they want, but they’d never step up to protect his partner. Their entire image revolves around them being single…and available. Sex sells. Their sex appeal is more important to them than his life” 

It wasn’t a competition, but her heartbreak was much worse than yours. She had everything, and then she lost it. You mumbled, and you hurt for her, “It’s…not fair at all”

“Yeah. Anyway, me and Chris weren’t getting along towards the end of that. We disagreed on a lot of shit.” She nodded, lifting her head up to meet yours, “The breakup was hard on the others too. Especially Hyunjin, he…” She paused, “It’s almost like he took it personally” 

The name sang to your heart, coursing through your veins like lifeblood, making your pulse quicker. “He loved the two of you together” You ended up saying. 

Kairi smiled at you, “He tell you about us?”

“Yeah…he said I’d really love you”

She smiled, eyes crinkling, “He was clearly right about that” 

“Can I… ask you something?” You said, and she nodded, “Do you ever think you’ll get back together?”

She smiled, “I mean, I can hope, but unfortunately…the decision would have to lie with Chris. If things go wrong, he could lose everything. I would lose nothing…except him. So in the end, it’s up to him. Right now, I think it’s impossible. In summer, a news website threatened to publish about our relationship. Chris isn’t equipped to deal with the fallout that comes with that”

“Oh…I’m sorry”

She took another breath, “Um, we should probably get off the floor before the employees sees us. It’s your turn to try on a bikini anyway”

You couldn’t understand where she conjured up all her positivity from, and you shook your head once you realised what she’d said, “Oh, no Kairi, I have a swimsuit already”

She shrugged, tugging your arm to make you stand up, “You’re going to get a new one though. It’s my birthday, you have to”

“But…” You protested, as she lightly shoved you towards the rack. Tons of bikinis hung on it, ranging from all different styles and colors. Ombre, mismatched, bejeweled. “I don’t know…” You touched the material of a blue one, wondering how you’d pick one.

“How about this lilac?” She asked, pulling a set out. It was too sexy, and too out there. It was the kind of thing Hana would force you to wear. Kairi must have noticed the drop in your expression, because she spoke, “Actually, I’m sure we can find another one”

After some looking around and a lot of nudges from her, you settled on a red bikini set. It was…beautiful. It looked like a thing you’d see on a model in a catalogue. There were metal hearts instead of strings, on either side of the underwear. You’d never be one for vanity, but right now…you could stare at yourself for hours. It fit you perfectly, like nothing else ever had, almost as if it was made for just your body, nobody else’s. When you stepped out, Kairi was patiently waiting on the ottoman. She was rocking her heels back and forth, and she still hadn’t changed out of her final pick, “Holy shit” She grinned, “We’re…gonna look so fucking hot!”

You giggled, “You’re looking forward to it, right? I wanna help your friends plan it too, if that’s okay”

She pulled you into a hug, warm arms enveloping around you. You were still in your swimsuits with the tags on, but you melted into her embrace as she mumbled, “Of course that’s okay! Plus, you’re gonna be there …so I’m not worried about anything”

»»————-

The campgrounds were beautiful, and the party was in full swing. Green grass stretched for miles, running alongside the Han river. Bordering on the outskirts of Seoul, it was far from all the noise, the pollution, and the constant ringing of the sirens. They weren’t just normal campgrounds though. Instead of cabins, there were little glass houses, hidden beneath trees with floor-to-ceiling windows that looked out onto the river, which people could book for vacation rentals all year round. Everything in the city was more boujee. Even nature. It’s like the city folk had figured a way to camp without the mosquitos and the discomfort and glamorised it, fit for celebrities and socialites.

A volleyball court was constructed on a stretch of sand, and a wooden dock extended onto the river, canoes attached to it that anybody could borrow. Pink and yellow inflatables floated down the water, occupied by some of Kairi’s friends who were already so drunk and it was only midday. 

Pretty lanterns hung across poles, the only lighting for this place, and even a freaking DJ booth was set up by the bonfire. It all had a modern festival vibe, and Kairi told you that this place usually booked a lot of small rock gigs over weekends. The campgrounds were public, but she had rented out an area for the day. Her friends from work were originally supposed to be planning everything, but you were also helping them now. For someone who hated parties, you sure loved planning them. It was a perfect distraction, from the stress of classes. The venue for Felix’s birthday had been naturally beautiful, but it couldn’t compare to the extravagance of the city.

You’d driven up here in the early hours of the morning, and Jeonghan had been a boon. He’d helped you unload the crate of beers from his car, loading them into ice-cold pink coolers you’d situated every few metres across the riverbank. It was a hotter day than usual, despite the city being on the brink of imminent snowfall, so cold drinks…were a must.  

Most people had arrived at the campgrounds in the late afternoon, checking in at the front-desk before making their way towards the river. Kairi had a ton of friends, most of them from work, and you weren’t the corporate type, so you maintained a little distance, choosing to be orchestrating everything behind the scenes more. That’s why you were at the barbecue right now, grilling meat for some hotdogs.

Jeonghan had long abandoned you. His red swim shorts are easy to spot, and the official dress code of this party was just swimwear. He was supposed to be helping you cook but he was stretched out on the riverbank, sketching instead. He must have been really inspired, and from where you stood, you could see him with his feet up in the sky, nose buried in a little sketchbook. It was sweet of him to come, and he was the only person you knew, so you were grateful that he was here. 

A frisbee whizzed past you, and you looked up to see Kairi giggling. “Shit! I almost hit you, didn’t I?” She looked beautiful, and the silver chains on her swimsuit sparkled in the sun as she ran around the grass, indulged in a serious game of frisbee with her friends. You smiled back at her, “I’ll forgive you, but only because it’s your birthday”

Ever since she’d told you the truth of what went down between her and Chan, you’d grown fonder of her, and almost protective in a sense. She was so much stronger than you, and you could learn a little from her in terms of positivity. She had introduced you to all her friends, but they were too many names for you to remember. Sohee, Jinsoo, Eric, etc. You’d assigned yourself to the snacks, not feeling too confident in greeting her guests. 

“Do you want it crispy all the way through?” You called out to her, pork belly sizzling against the pan as you tossed it. This made you feel useful. It was better to not let your mind wander, instead you filled it with little responsibilities such as this.

She ran up to the grill, frisbee still in her hands, “Why are you all the way over here?”

You gestured to the barbeque, and the plates of snacks, “Somebody’s got to feed your guests”

“They can feed themselves, Y/N. We should go in the river while the sun is still out!” She grabbed your arm, and started leading you away from the barbecue, “I’m sure Nate can take over anyway” 

You weren’t going to argue with that. You’d missed swimming, and being in the water, so, you let her pull you into the river. In the cold water, surrounded by nature on all sides, it almost felt like home. Kairi swam over to you, a big smile on her face, “Fuck. The sun feels so good” 

You drifted closer, smiling, “I’m glad you’re happy. It’s kind of your day, you should be” 

“I’m really, really fucking grateful that dude spilled a drink on me and we met in that club bathroom…”

You laughed, clasping your hand with hers as you swam in the water together, “Well. I’m sure there’s nicer ways for us to meet”

She rolled her eyes, “No, are you kidding? That was the best one. I needed someone like you in my life”

You giggled, “Someone like me?”

“We haven’t even know each other that long, if you think about it. Honestly, I never even thought you’d text me back, because…of him” She paused, “But I think you sacrifice your peace for others, and…I don’t know anyone else like you”

You swallowed, and you didn’t want to get emotional in the middle of the river, “Kairi…tell me you didn’t bring me in the water just to make me cry”

“Actually” She corrected herself, a small chuckle following, “I did know one person like you”

You don’t have to probe to know she’s talking about Chan.

“You remind me of him. As crazy as that sounds” She hummed. 

“I’m sorry things didn’t work out between you” You apologised, and you were caressing her shoulder now, rubbing it.

She wrapped her arms around your waist, and her body felt warm against yours, “You don’t have to be sorry. I’m sorry I keep bringing him up. It’s like second nature for me. Does the same ever happen with you…?”

There can’t be a better day than today for you to move on, so you forced a smile, “No. I don’t think of Hyunjin anymore. It’s in the past…” It’s a complete lie, but one day, you’re hoping it will come true. Kairi doesn’t know everything that happened in the end and she doesn’t need too. She doesn’t know he gave up on you, all she knows…is that you don’t talk anymore. 

Resignation settled in her gaze, “So…you’re completely okay with him?”

You nodded, “Yup. Anyway, um I don’t know about you but… I’m starving. Should we get the hotdogs?”

Kairi blinked but didn’t question your change of topic, “Sure. That’d be perfect”

You waded out of the water, jumping back onto the riverbank, and the air was prickly cold, but the sun was still warm in the sky. The DJ booth set up in the distance had a party playlist on repeat, and tons of people were dancing, some of Kairi’s friends, some just locals who were enjoying this area. The water droplets on your skin looked like glitter, and you ran over to the barbecue grill, dripping wet. Kairi’s friends, Sohee and Eric were indulging in a platter of pork ribs and grilled chicken, perched on a picnic table. They smiled at you as you approached them, “The water nice?”

You nodded, hugging yourself, “Mmh, you guys should get in while it’s still warm! If you guys don’t mind…could I please borrow a plate for Kairi?”

“Of course. Help yourself” Sohee smiled, black sunglasses resting on her head, and she was in a white one-piece swimsuit, “You’re…Kairi’s artist friend, aren’t you? We’ve heard a lot about you”

You laughed, flushing, “I hope good things”

Eric laughed, “You bet. Hey, we’re playing volleyball later, if you wanna join?”

You grabbed a plate of the sausages and bulgogi, “That sounds cool. I’m a terrible shot but I might join!” They laughed and you picked up some disposable cutlery, heading back to Kairi.

She was out of the water now, sunbathing on the grass and Jeonghan sat at her side. 

“I got you some meat” You handed her the plate, balancing it on her stomach. Her arms were stretched behind her head, and she squinted under the sun at you, “Thanks, baby”

The term of endearment brought a flush up your chest, and you sat cross-legged next to her. It was crazy how fast you’d grown fond of each other, as if you were always destined to be such good friends. As you ate off her plate, Jeonghan brought you a couple of drinks. It seemed like he’d finally abandoned his sketchbook in favour of enjoying the place around him. Jeonghan yawned loudly, “This weather makes me want to take a nap”

“Well, I really don’t mind if you do” Kairi suggested to him.

Jeonghan laughed, “Really? I wouldn’t be the lamest person at this party?” 

“You won that title hours ago” You joked. Jeonghan gasped dramatically, and lightly shoved you, “It’s rude that you’re not my self-proclaimed hype girl”

You pushed your sunglasses up your head, staring at him and trying not to laugh, “I’m sorry…your what?”

He blew a puff of air, and laid his head on your lap, “You know…I’m like always hyping you up in class. Making you laugh when you’re miserable—no offence— and even rescuing you from pathetic blind dates. You’re not gonna do the same for me?” He bit into a sausage, sauce smeared across his lips.

“You’re such a messy eater” You commented.

His eyes were closed and he smiled, “You can lick it off me, if it’s bothering you”

Kairi sat up, laughing, “What is going on with you two?”

You shook your head, “Nothing. He flirts with me when he’s drunk”

It was rapidly approaching nightfall, and that’s what you hated the most about winter: shorter days, longer nights. The sun set behind the forest, settling warm rays on your skin, drying the water from your swim off.

You smiled, indulging in this moment, wishing every day could be the same. You were in a beautiful place, with new friends and this could be your blank slate. Tonight could mark what you and Kairi had talked about – a real, fresh start. For the first time in weeks, your chest didn’t hurt. 

»»————-

You knew you were terrible at coordinated sports, and it became obvious to everyone else too when you missed the fifth volleyball headed your way. Eric on the other team, did a fist-bump with his teammate at your loss, and Sohee sighed, “Just catch one, Y/N!”

You threw your hands up, a giggle escaping you, “You guys asked me to join. I told you I’m horrible at this stuff!” There were two teams, and the one with you was… horribly failing. Nobody took it too seriously so it was okay, it was for fun. It was just insane to you that you were playing volleyball next to the freaking river with strangers in Seoul. If past you found out about it, she’d absolutely freak out. You were counting every blessing, grateful to be here in the city, and you were making the most of tonight. You’d made Jeonghan join with you, and he was on the other team. Kairi was somewhere by the bonfire, dancing, and you could her loud singing along all the way over here.

“Just try to catch this next one, okay?” Jeonghan called at you over the net. 

You were horrible at bowling too, but Seungmin had taught you once and after that you hadn’t been half as bad. All you had to do was focus, and channel all your built-up energy into shooting the ball, not get distracted by every other thing happening. You’d seen Sohee shoot enough successful ones to try to imitate her. So, you stepped up, rooting your feet in the sand, and she was cheering you on in the background. You didn’t even know her, so it was funny that she cared this much. 

Jeonghan across the fence tossed the ball towards you. You don’t know what prompted you to jump, and this time you actually hit it with all the energy you could muster, your fist making contact with the ball, and it shocked Jeonghan so much that he forgot to serve entirely. “Are you kidding me?” He cried, crawling under the net to run up to you. He pulled you into a hug, arms wrapping around your body, “I knew you had it in you! All you needed was a little bit of humiliation to get you there”

“I barely hit!” You giggled, hugging him back, and his torso was warm to the touch, “And you’re supposed to be on the other team, but…thanks”

He rolled his eyes, holding you tight in his grip, “I’ll gladly let you win any day”

He was so touchy tonight. It must be the mix of alcohol, adrenaline and being away from the stresses of the art studio. His hand lingered on your waist, drifting close to your ass but you didn’t stop him. It was silly because you weren’t even into sports, you didn’t care about this volleyball game, but you were smiling widely, and it wasn’t forced. 

Jeonghan let go of you, steadying you on the sand, and in your happy daze, you got up on your toes and kissed him, threading your hands through his hair. It was frizzy from the wind, and you settled on the nape of his neck. He smiled into the kiss, pressing your body to his, and he was only in his little swim-shorts, and you were only in your bikini so most of your skin touched his. It was a strange feeling, to be so physically close to somebody who wasn’t Hyunjin, but that would never happen again, and to curb the hurt, you kissed him deeper.

Sohee was laughing in the background, “You guys know the game isn’t over yet, right?” 

This kiss didn’t mean anything, yet it meant everything. It meant that you could let go. Hyunjin didn’t want you in his life, and one day you’d be okay with that. Right now, you had to live in this moment. You wound your arms tighter around Jeonghan’s neck, and you kissed him deeply, and he was probably surprised that you were giving in so much, because he knew this wasn’t anything special. You surprised yourself too. 

Kairi calling your name is what made you pull away from him, cheeks flushed with adrenaline. She was walking over to you, and you ran up to her, across the makeshift volleyball court, “Babe! Did you see me hit that ball?”

She looked like she’d seen a ghost though, and she reached for your hand, “Y/N. I need you, please”

“Wait, what’s wrong?” You frowned, stepping out with her.

She was fumbling over her words, “He’s here. Y/N. He’s here” Her eyes were wide in despair. She looked like she was going to cry, staccato mumbling, “I don’t know what to do” 

You grabbed her arm, pulling her away from the game, You’d never seen her in such a state, “Kairi, please calm down. Who’s here? What’s going on?”

She squeezed her eyes shut, a tear spilling out, “Chan…Chan is here”

Fucking hell.

“Hey, hey, hey. Kairi, I need you to calm down, okay?”

Your heart had dropped into your gut, but you had to be there for her. She was breathing heavy, and her eyes were filling up with tears, smudging her mascara and her silver eyeliner, “I don’t know what to do. If I talk to him, I’ll end up doing something stupid, like kiss him or something”

You grabbed her gently by the shoulders, so she could look only at you and not be stimulated by the rest of the party, “I’m gonna handle it, okay? Kairi. I’ll take care of it. You don’t have to do anything”

Her eyes were wide, “What? You will? Are…are you sure?”

“Of course. It’s Chris, I got this” You held her chin, fingers caressing her jaw, “Today is your day. I don’t want you to stress about anything”

She let out a breath, a tear escaping, “Thank you, Y/N. I’m sorry, I just got really overwhelmed, I wasn’t expecting to see him and…I don’t know if he knows I’m even here”

“What do you want me to say to him?”

“Just…don’t send him away. I don’t want him to get hurt. But please…find out why he’s here. I’m so…fucking confused. Why today? What does he want?”

“I’ll talk to him” You looked around, eyes landing on a concerned Jeonghan. He was still playing the game, but his focus was on the two of you, “Can you go hang out with Jeonghan till then?”

She nodded absentmindedly, seemingly so lost, “Thank you...Fuck, I just…don’t know how to deal with this right now”

“Jeonghan?” You called out, and it only took him a second to abandon the game and run up to you. His eyes observed Kairi’s fragile state, “What’s up? Is everything okay?” 

“Can you take her to the dock? I’ll catch you there in a bit, okay?”

He glanced at her, no questions asked, and wrapped an arm around her shoulders, “Of course, no problem” He smiled at you, a dazzling grin that told you he’d take care of it, “Catch you in a few” 

Then he took her away, leading her towards the other side of the campgrounds. The dock was nearer to the woods, hidden between the trees and the rocks, away from Chan. You’re sure the physical distance from the rest of the party would help Kairi calm a bit. You glanced at the volleyball game. They were all standing and waiting for you. Sohee had her hands on her hips, “You coming back?”

“I’m gonna have to ditch the game, sorry! Win for me, okay?” You shot her a smile.

“We’re gonna kick your ass, Y/N!” Eric yelled across. You laughed, waving them a goodbye as you walked over to the bonfire. That’s where Kairi said she saw him. You couldn’t understand. Why would Chan be here, and how had he heard about this party? Things between them had long ended, and there was no logical reason for him to come here suddenly. You were proud of yourself for staying calm though. Kairi was what mattered tonight, and you could easily deal with her ex.

There was a dance party situation happening around the fire. Everyone had congregated near it, and the DJ had long given up on playing good songs, settling for dance club music instead. From here, you could see the bonfire. One of Kairi’s friends, Jinsoo ran up to you, “Y/N, hey! Do you know where the rest of the beer is?’

You stopped to explain, you’d somehow become the unofficial host for this party and everyone must have noticed how close you and Kairi were. “Um, it should be in a pink cooler. We unloaded near the cabins”

“Great, thanks!” She smiled at you, running back there. Your eyes scanned the crowd around the fire. The sand here was warm, and it felt so good between your toes. Everybody was drinking, and dancing, making it harder for you to find him. You’d never seen Chan in person, but you’d seen so many pictures of him. It’d be second nature to recognise him. 

Then, you spotted a boy by the fire, gaze frantically looking around the campgrounds, and you stepped up to him, making your way through the people dancing.

He was in a black sweatshirt, and dark jeans and he stood out, surrounded by girls in bright-colored bikinis, and boys in expensive swim-shorts. There was no telling from his stature that he was someone famous, which is probably why none of the guests were giving him a second look. You wonder if any of Kairi’s friends had ever known about their relationship. You weren’t nervous about this interaction, even though you should be. This was Hyunjin’s best friend. Why were you not freaking out? Maybe because you’d do anything to make sure Kairi had a good night.

“Chris?” You asked, voice low. You didn’t want to spook him.

At hearing his name, he turned to face you. Your heart jumped at the sight. He was beautiful in person. None of the pictures could do him justice. In the pictures, he had stage makeup and styled hair. Right now, natural curls fell into his face, and he looked so simple, like any other guy you’d pass by on the street.

“Hey. You’re Chris, right?” You spoke, and the only thing making you nervous was him looking right into your eyes, “I’m uh…I’m one of Kairi’s friends.” It was best to not say your name. His gaze was…very intense but you had to keep cool for her, so you smiled. A genuine, warm, smile. 

The tension in his shoulders dissipated as understanding settled in his face, and he stepped up to you, clearing his throat, “Hey. Um, I go by Chan actually”

“Chan…” You repeated, smiling at him, fiddling with your fingers, “I wasn’t really expecting you to show up”

He sighed, hands in his pockets, “I know… I’m not on the guest list” 

“She didn’t know you’re coming tonight” 

“I wasn’t planning to” He answered, taking in another breath, and his voice was shaky, “I came straight from the studio. I drove…three straight hours to get here, on a whim. I know I’m not dressed for the party, but I need to see her right now”

Oh, wow… You hope you didn’t sound rude but this was in her best interest, so you said, “I’m sorry…I don’t know how to say this… but she’s not feeling great about this. How did you even know about the party?”

He was about to answer but it’s like he couldn’t find the words, struggling. Had he come here just to wish her for her birthday? It was hugely romantic, but there must be more he wanted to say.  What would make him drive all the way here?

“Channie, she is not by the cabins either!” Someone yelled out.

You would recognize that voice anywhere.

Your heart stopped beating.

Within seconds, somebody came running up through the shadows of the trees. The air left your body, and you couldn’t breathe.

Hyunjin.

He stepped out into the light and all of the noise around you died. 

The waves of the river were suddenly quiet, the forest was mute, the music was silent. Only your pulse ringing in your ears.

He was here. He was here. He was here.

Immediately, his gaze landed on you, and he stopped still in his footsteps. 

There was no hiding his surprise. There was no pretending, or feigning of emotions. His mouth parted, eyebrows shooting up, eyes wide as he saw you. 

Vision blackening, clouding, blurring, you could only see him in the centre, and your gut started squeezing you from the inside out. 

Dark hair tied up into a bun, half of it hanging to his shoulders, he looked like he always did. Fucking unreal. He was dressed so simply, black sweater blending into the darkness. He got prettier each time you laid eyes on him. So fucking beautiful and you hated him for it.

His eyes were on yours, thick lips parted in shock, and it was cruel how your heart leapt out of your chest, as if you hadn’t been training to tame it all this while. The last time you saw him… flashed through your mind, memories pricking at you like a hundred thousand needles stabbing into your body. He left you, before you even had a chance. He didn’t even know you loved him.

You’d been trying so hard to move on, but here he fucking was, the one place you didn’t think he could be.

But you needed to be strong, for Kairi. This was all for her, and she was your saving grace. So you looked away from him, even if it took all of your fucking willpower. Your gaze found Chan, and suddenly the noises were back. The party was raging, the river was loud, the forest full of cacophony. Chan was saying your name repeatedly, and you’d tuned out completely. So had Hyunjin it seemed…because he snapped back to reality, a click going off in his head, and turned to his friend.

Chan stepped closer to you, “You’re Y/N…?”

You nodded, no words escaping at him recognising you. You’d been recognised. Of course you had. You and Hyunjin had been fucking staring at each like fools. It was a dead giveaway.

“I need to see her, Y/N.”

You ignored the peripheral gaze burning in the side of your face. Don’t fucking look at him. You stared right at Chan, “Chan, I can’t…”

“There’s something I need to say to her…and after that I’ll leave, I promise you” There was desperation in his voice, one you’d felt all these months.

It was the most difficult thing to not look at Hyunjin, when he was fucking staring at you. He’d always had your entire attention, any room he was in but right now you couldn’t afford to do that. It was so hard for you to ignore him, but it had been so easy for him before. You could do that to him too.

“I don’t know. She’s…really upset” You turned around, glancing over at the dock, then back at him, “Why tonight? She wants to talk to you, but—”

“I know you’re just trying to do right by her. Something I should have been doing all this time” He closed his eyes, “I understand if you’re gonna ask me to leave, but I promise you. If she says she doesn’t wanna see me, I’ll walk right out.”

You shook your head, guilt overwhelming you, “Chan—”

He continued speaking over you, “But if you’ve ever been in love, or…or loved someone, you’d understand why this is so fucking important to me”

You stared at him, lost for words. If you’d ever been in love…?

Hyunjin’s gaze on you was stronger than ever. It burned you.  

He had said nothing this whole time. What was he thinking? You wanted to climb into his brain, read his mind and know what he thought of this question. Did Hyunjin have any fucking idea how much you loved him? You were so stupid crazy in love, you missed his silence too. And did Chan even understand the significance of what he was asking you? All of your emotions were cascading on top of each other, and the sane part of you was drowning in the waves. It was hard to speak, but you finally found the words, “She’s… by the docks. You can find her there”

They were the right words because Chan’s eyes lit up instantly, a smile spreading on his face, and he was beautiful like this, a warmth and comfort emanating from him. He was prettier when happy, and it looked like he couldn’t believe you’d said yes, “Thank you. Shit, thank you, Y/N. You’re an angel” He turned to Hyunjin, “I’ll be back soon, okay?”

“Do you want me to come with you?” Hyunjin asked him. His voice sent shivers down your spine.

“No, I…got this” Chan swallowed, and he suddenly looked nervous and doubtful of this.

Hyunjin stepped close to him, voice dropping, “It’s gonna be fine. You’re gonna be fine”

Chan nodded, eyes closed, “I’m just…fucking anxious. What if she asks me to leave?”

“Channie” Hyunjin repeated, in a low voice, hand landing on his shoulder, “I’m right here if you need me, okay?”

He took a deep breath, and Hyunjin pulled him into a half-hug. You stood by, unsure what to do, staring at them. You were still trying to wrap your head around whatever the fuck was happening right now. In seconds, Chan took off towards the dock, where you’d told him Kairi was. You watched his retreating figure, hoping you made the right choice. He seemed genuinely apologetic, for whatever had went down between him and her. 

His departure… left you and Hyunjin by the bonfire. Just by yourselves. So, you finally looked at him.

He was staring at you. 

In the glow of the embers, Hyunjin looked almost sinister, he looked dangerous in the way that you wanted him, even now. Dark shadows cutting across his face, he’d only grown more into the version of him you’d ran into the storage closet. Taller stature, stronger arms, piercing gaze.

You suddenly felt conscious…being in this tiny swimsuit, and your arms came up around yourself to cover up somehow. It hurt too much to see him this close, after everything that had happened. You’d been giving up your soul to forget him, and he’d just decided to show up, now? It was unfair. You had to be the bigger person here, and you were going to leave. You didn’t owe him a conversation, not after he’d shown you how easy it was for him to forget all about existence.

So, you turned to walk away, but then Hyunjin spoke, “I didn’t know you were going to be here”

At first, you almost didn’t hear him, over the music, over the laughter, over the river. You stopped in your tracks, squeezing your eyes shut, wishing he’d never spoken. 

You didn’t look at him as you mumbled, “Yeah…you wouldn’t be here if you knew”

It came out more venomous than you wanted, and you didn’t wait to see his reaction. But he asked you, “What are you doing here then?”

You turned to look at him, and fuck it hurt every bit of you. You hope you had a stable tone, arms crossed across your chest, because how the hell could he ask you that? “I’m… kind of the host”

His eyes widened, genuine surprise in it, “You are…?”

Well, he would’ve known that if he’d let you be in his life. Why had he pushed you away? Why had he not even tried to keep in touch with you? Was cutting off all contact the only way he knew how? 

“I have to go” You mumbled, feeling hurt all over again, “There’s drinks in the corner if you want”

Hyunjin began to say something, but he was stopped because somebody yelled your name, interrupting whatever he could have said. What was Hyunjin going to say?   

Jeonghan ran over to you, laughing, oblivious to everything around him, “You know Sohee’s going around saying you abandoned her during the game?"

You blinked, looking up at him, “She knew we weren’t going to win anyway”

He laughed loudly, and he was clearly tipsy by the way he talked, “What can I say? You’re a very wanted woman tonight, like five people stopped to ask me where you were. Also, you do remember that you’re the only person I know at this party? You can’t just leave me alone. I might actually end up missing you”

“Right, I forgot” You stifled a smile, “I was doing something for Kairi. Speaking of which…you left her alone?”

“I’m sorry…” He sighed, “There was this dude that wanted to talk to her…she asked me to leave them. And, I did not come tonight to babysit her. I’ve only met her like one time!” 

You laughed, “Really? It is her birthday, Nate. What did you come here for then? ”

He shook his head, smiling, “Oh, being coy suits you, Y/N. It’s sexy”

“What?” You laughed. Before you could even register it, he wrapped his arms around you, picking you up in a little spin and twirl. A surprised noise escaped you, and your hands came to brace yourself against his bare chest. He was grinning at you, completely oblivious to the fact that someone was watching you. You almost forgot where you were, and who was watching, a giggle escaping you. “Nate—” You mumbled, pulling away, hands on his chest.  

“What?” He frowned, and only then he saw Hyunjin standing there, watching all of this take place. “Oh…hey, man” Jeonghan smiled at him, “Wow…you are way too overdressed for this party. Take your shirt off or something”

Hyunjin’s gaze was on the arm around your waist. There was an unrecognisable emotion in his eyes. You’d seen jealousy on him before and this wasn’t it. This… was something else entirely. An emotion so intense that you felt scared of what he was holding inside.

He was frowning, furrow in his forehead, and then he glanced at you, a sudden indifference in his voice, “Where did you say the drinks were again?”

You swallowed, “By the cabins…”

“Oh, I can show you” Jeonghan offered, and you wish he wasn’t so nice to everybody.

Hyunjin’s brows shot up at the suggestion, and you were afraid he’d say something mean, but of course Hyunjin wasn’t mean, so he forced a smile, “Cool. Sure”

Jeonghan began walking away with him, and your grip on his hand was tight, you yanked him back, whispering, “What do you think you’re doing?”

He smiled, whispering back, “Relax. Just showing some hospitality. Also I think that guy’s famous”

You sighed, closing your eyes, because he was impossible to argue with, “Fine, but…get me a drink too”

“Will do” He grinned, leaning in to kiss your cheek. You watched them walk away, and you could hear Jeonghan say, “I’m Nate by the way, only she’s allowed to call me Jeonghan. Don’t ask me why though” 

You couldn’t pick up on what Hyunjin said in response and you itched to know, but…you had to hold back. You stood still, feet rooted to the sand as Jeonghan led Hyunjin to the cabins, and the coolers that lay there, filled with beers. You couldn’t watch for long, because somebody grabbed your arm, turning you around, “Why are you by yourself?” Sohee, from the volleyball game asked, “Come on, you can dance with us!”

“I’m not in the mood, sorry” You apologised, walking away from the fire. What would they talk about? You hope Jeonghan didn’t bring up how miserable and depressed you’d been this whole time. Would Hyunjin talk about youto him? Would he ask him what you and Jeonghan were? Did he…even care?

Sohee laughed, “What? Shut up. You’re dancing with us. You already ditched us in the game”

“I think I’m just gonna go get a drink” You tried to decline, as politely as you could, without being a spoilsport or a downer. She stopped you, hand on your wrist, “What’s wrong?”

“I just…don’t wanna dance. I’m sorry” You gently pulled your arm out of her grip, walking nearer to the river. You could already feel it. All of the progress you’d made all these months was reversing. You were going back in time against your will. What had all this happiness been for, if it was just going to be ripped from you in an instant? How could you ever fucking say you moved on when seeing him for a second changed your mind? 

You thought you were stronger than this, but you were so fucking weak, falling back into an emotion you didn’t need. Self-loathing and sadness and wishing you were enough for him was staring you in the eyes, and you thought you’d left it all behind. This wasn’t how tonight was supposed to go. You…had plans, to feel better, to move the fuck on. Kairi and Chan were nowhere to be seen, and it was past midnight already. She hadn’t even cut the birthday cake yet. You’d made Jeonghan drive you all the way to that special bakery for nothing. Why would Chan show up uninvited on such a special night? Why the fuck would he bring Hyunjin with him?

You ran your hands over your face. Every breath was harder to catch, and you felt like you’d pass out if you stayed standing. A tear slipped into your mouth, and you tasted the glitter mascara that Kairi had put on you. Kairi. You were going to find her…and you’d make sure she still had a good night, regardless of her ex gatecrashing the fucking party. Chan was a lovely person, you’re sure he was, but this was not the time. If he wanted to come so bad, he should’ve just come alone and not brought Hyunjin.

You looked back towards the fire, where Sohee was twirling around with the others, laughing loudly, so drunk and so happy. Jeonghan was back there too, he stood watching the girls dance, but Hyunjin wasn’t with him.

Did he leave? Where was he?

Your eyes scanned the crowd so fast, trying to place him amongst the crowd. 

“I thought you hate beer”

You jumped, startled by the sound. 

Hyunjin stood behind you, holding a beer bottle in his hand, extended out to you. How had you missed him walking over to you?

“What?” 

He seemed confused, hand outstretched, “You…hated beer, right?”

“What are you doing?”

He shrugged, nonchalant, “You asked Nate to bring you a drink. He…wanted to dance instead, he asked me to bring it to you”

You laughed, bitterly, “And what, you work for him now?” 

Why the fuck would he willingly approach you? After forcing you to get out of his life? Pretending like everything was normal? Acting like he hadn’t devastated you entirely, and broken you down. He didn’t even apologise for the way he’d kissed you and pushed you away. He still didn’t fucking realise what he meant to you, and he never would.

Hyunjin’s tongue poked his cheek, and he said, “No. I was trying to be away from the crowd”

You released a breath, “Well, congratulations, now you are. I’m gonna go”

“Wait—” He called out.

You stopped, “What, Hyunjin?”

He swallowed, “Aren’t you gonna take your drink?”

You should walk away from this conversation right fucking now, but you felt angry. Did he know you’d been suffering so much because of him? Did he know you’d given up on love and resigned yourself to a miserable fucking existence, because of him? How could he act so normal? 

“You know what?” You forced a smile, “You can have it. You’ve already ruined tonight for Kairi. You might as well for me too”

“Excuse me?” His features contorted into a frown, as if he couldn’t believe you were bringing it up, “It wasn’t my idea to show up here”

“So what…you came as moral support or something?”

“Chan needed me” He stated, with finality.

“Well” You laughed, “You’re a great friend then. Are you even allowed to be at this party? Isn’t that gonna be a problem for you?”

His lips were in a thin line, “You’re angry”

“No” You laughed, so bitter, so petty, “Just concerned. Actually I am gonna take that drink” You grabbed it out of his hands, pulling with more force than needed, making sure none of your fingers touched any of his. Hyunjin’s eyes narrowed, and he would hate you now if he didn’t already, but that was fine. He didn’t want you anyway.

Jeonghan’s yell interrupted you two, “Y/N! Come on. It’s your favourite song!”

You turned back to them, realising that indeed a song you’d liked in a club once was playing. It wasn’t your favourite song, far from it, but you wanted to be away from Hyunjin. You were losing yourself so near him.

So you glanced at Hyunjin, lifted the beer bottle to your lips, and drops of alcohol dripped down your neck and chest, into your bikini top, messily, “Thanks for the drink”

Jeonghan basically pulled you into the circle, as the chorus came on. You let him. You chugged the rest of the beer, because there was no way you were doing this sober anymore. Jeonghan was fucking tipsy, so he spun you around, and if it wasn’t for his arm around you, you’d fall over into the sand. Somebody handed you a shot of tequila, and you drank that too. The music was loud enough so you couldn’t think, EDM beats playing over and over, making your heart vibrate against your ribs. You wanted to laugh, because everything was so horrible. Sohee was a good hype girl, cheering on for you, grinding her hips against a taller boy, and everyone was lost in the music.

As the song picked up tempo, your hands met Jeonghan’s and he helped you move with an exhilarating speed and you couldn’t even breathe, head spinning. He wasn’t a great dancer, but he was holding you tight, moving your body against his, and it was good to feel desired, “You look so fucking sexy” Jeonghan mumbled into your ear, “You should wear pink more often”

You rolled your eyes, “It’s red…Nate”

“Huh. Maybe I should get a closer look at it then”

“What?” You laughed as he suddenly leaned in, kissing your neck, and collarbones. His other hand dropped to your ass, squeezing it tightly. You couldn’t find it in you to feel shy because nobody was looking at you anyway. Everybody was too busy dancing, or too drunk. Hyunjin had probably realised his mistake and long left. You hope he’d fucking left. You didn’t want to see him again tonight. In the centre of the circle, Jeonghan was bent over you, pressing kisses to your body. Your arms rest on his biceps, as he kissed your neck, “You’re so beautiful when you laugh. I wish you were happier like this more often”

Oh, the irony. If only he knew you’d never been this sad in your life before. Knowing Hyunjin was here, so close yet so far. He was here, but he wasn’t here with you. What was the point…of anything? Weeks and months of moving on. Everything was useless. Hyunjin had to be there, everytime, haunting you like a demon, following in your shadows for the rest of your life. 

“Y/N…” Jeonghan asked, head buried in your neck, realising you were standing still, deadweight, “What’s wrong?”

You’d gone on a date, you had a friend you casually made out with, you were in the best art studio in your country. You were so unhappy. What was the point?

It was like there a string on his chest, tying him to you, bringing you together even when you couldn’t be. Even when he didn’t want to be.

“Nothing” You swallowed, tears shooting up to your eyes, “Can you just kiss me and not ask me anything?”

He frowned, and it was hard to hear him over the loud music, “No…Y/N. Tell me if you’re okay. Do you want some air? Water?”

“I just want you to kiss me and not ask why”

So, almost reluctantly, he did. He leaned in, pressing his mouth to yours and you hoped it’d distract you. You wanted to get lost in it, and you brought your palms up to his face, to his hair, running through it. You’d never kissed him for so long, or with so much emotion. It had always been so casual, for fun, no strings, nothing. 

For just a second, you opened your eyes. You wish you hadn’t.

Over Jeonghan’s shoulder, there was a direct line of sight to Hyunjin.

He was still standing by the river, staring out into the darkness, one hand shoved in his pocket, the other lifting a beer bottle to his lips. He was still here. Right where you’d left him.

Why wouldn’t he leave? There was a path straight to him, people parted like the red sea, the taut string of fate between you working harder than ever.

You squeezed your eyes shut, focusing on kissing the boy who actually cared for you, but when your eyes flickered open again, Hyunjin was watching you.

It should have been obvious, but you were still surprised…to see him stare. Your heart hurt so much you thought you’d collapse. He didn’t want you in his life anymore. He’d made it plenty clear. 

Then why did he look so fucking sad watching you kiss another man?

The party was raging, you were dying. Each press to Jeonghan’s lips made you sick. He kept spinning you around, and you were getting dizzy. Every few seconds, your eyes would fall on Hyunjin. Everything but him was blurred. Your insides hurt, and he was looking at you and you were looking at him but you were dancing with another man. Was this how it felt like to be dying? Jeonghan was giggling about something, and he leaned in to whisper something in your ear. You didn’t hear it, because Hyunjin had turned away from you now, like all of this was beneath him. As if being here was the greatest inconvenience of his life.  

He was walking away. He’d probably had enough of your dancing. 

He’d had enough of you.

“Y/N…hello?” Jeonghan snapped a finger in front of your face.

“I’m going to be sick” You mumbled.

His eyes widened, “What? Did you drink too much?”

“No. I just…I need some air” You stepped back from him. 

“Should I come with you?”

“I’m fine” You shook your head, looking around, “You should dance with Sohee…till I’m back. ”

Before he could protest or respond, you walked away, towards the river. Kairi was nowhere to be found, at her own birthday party. It was all his fault. You had to go find her. What if she had a fight with Chan and needed you?

The alcohol had gotten to your head. You shouldn’t have chugged that beer, and that tequila and that last shot of vodka. Slowly, but steadily you made your way towards the dock. Her birthday cake was rotting in the car. Was it so hard to ask for just one good night?

He had to ruin that too, just like he’d ruined the idea of love for you. You could never love anybody, ever again, not in this same way. 

You walked until you caught up to him. Thankfully, there was nobody else here. Everybody was either in the cabins, or dancing. Hyunjin was pacing back and forth, on his fucking phone as if he was too good for this place. The question left your mouth before you could rethink it, “What does Chan want?”

He looked up at you, eyes drifting over your figure briefly, voice small, “What?” 

“It’s been an hour. She’s not back yet” You stated, as if it was obvious, “In case you didn’t know, she turned twenty-four today, and this entire party is for her. So why is he here, Hyunjin?” You stepped closer to him.

He clicked his phone off, the number he never shared with you, and put it in his pocket, “Um… I don’t know if it’s my discretion to tell you”

You stared at him. You were so past begging to be included in his life. You nodded, a scoff escaping, “Yeah, sorry I asked. I don’t know what I was thinking”

Turning towards the dock, you only made it about five steps away from Hyunjin when he called out, “Wait—I didn’t mean it like that”

You turned to face him, and there was fire in your eyes, there was fire in your veins, “Then what did you mean, Hyunjin?”

Something flashed through his eyes when you said his name, like he also couldn’t believe he was talking to you. “Um. Do you… remember what I told you at the Château?” He asked. The familiarity of those memories flooded through you, like a tsunami. You remembered every single word, you remember each breath he took, each touch. You remember every ridge and curve in his hand, as he held yours. You remembered how many times he pressed his lips to yours, and how loud he’d moaned when you touched him.

“I don’t know what you’re talking about” 

Hyunjin tilt his head, “About… how they’ve been together for two years now? About how Chan had planned to ask Kairi to marry him…on her birthday?”

Your eyes narrowed as the realisation sank into you, “You’re kidding me. Is that what he’s doing right now? He’s literally going to ruin her—”

Hyunjin stepped forward, “No, he’s not doing that! But he just needed to talk to her about it. He’s just here to make things right with her” He explained, emphasising each word.

“Why?”

Hyunjin seemed confused, “Why, what?”

“Why now? He couldn’t have picked another day?” You sounded so harsh, but you didn’t care. Yeah, maybe you were pissed that Chan was willing to go to all this fucking effort for the girl he loved. But nobody would ever make any effort for you. You were pissed that Kairi was the one good thing you had left, but now Hyunjin’s life was ripping her away from you too.

He didn’t seem fazed though, and he seemed just as confused as you, “I don’t know, Y/N! I tried to talk him out of it. That it wasn’t a good idea”

You scoffed, crossing your arms, “Well you clearly didn’t do a good job, because he’s here right now anyway”

“What do you want me to do? I tried my best!”

“Well, you should have tried harder, Hyunjin!”

He let out a deep breath, running a hand over his face, “Why are you fighting me?”

You took a step back, “Right. I forgot I’m not allowed to be near you”

His eyes narrowed, “Excuse me?”

“Never mind. I’m going to go see if she’s okay or if she needs me”

He frowned, stepping in front of you, “You can’t just interrupt them. What if they’re having a moment?”

You squeezed your eyes shut. This was a fucking disaster, “He better not be proposing”

Hyunjin’s voice dropped, “Why? Wouldn’t you be happy for them?”

“Don’t put words in my mouth, Hyunjin. I would be happy. Obviously I’d be fucking happy. But Kairi loves him too much. She told me everything that happened. She would just get hurt again when he chooses the company over her.”

Hyunjin was quiet, eyes flickering over yours, voice dropping, “Is… that what you think I did?”

Your voice had lost its energy too, and you stared at him, “I’m not talking about—”

“Because that’s not what I did, Y/N”

You looked up at him, but you were shaking, “This is about her, not me”

He didn’t say anything. For a few seconds, you were both just staring at each other.

He sighed and chose to speak first, “Chan would never hurt her. Their decision to break up was mutual”

Unlike how things happened with you. “Yeah. I understand”

“It’s not just you. I’m worried about Chan too” He ran a hand through his hair. This was not the time to create a scene in public, so you curbed your anger, shoving it deep inside. He cared about Chan, and you cared about Kairi. That’s the only reason you were still here, and still talking to him. It was the only fucking reason you’d talk to him tonight. 

“I can’t believe it’s her birthday and she’s not even here” You mumbled, “All of this was for nothing then. I hope she’s not upset or crying somewhere in a corner”

For the first time this night, Hyunijn looked a tad guilty, brows furrowing, “Do you want to go check on them…?”

You hugged yourself tighter, the wind was picking up quickly, “I thought you just said we can’t interrupt them”

“We won’t”

Your eyebrows shot up.

“Isn’t there another place we can see the docks from…without interrupting them? To see how they’re doing…”

You ran a mental image of the campgrounds in your head, “Yeah, there is…”

And so, Hyunjin followed you. 

There was a clearing in the forest, a thick cover of trees that looked right out onto the docks. You’d seen it back when you came to scope out of the place with Kairi. You were taking him there. You focused on the sound of your footsteps, and on the party you were leaving behind. 

“So…what changed? Why did he pick today?” You surprised yourself by speaking first. 

Hyunjin seemed surprised too, and he glanced at you, “Um…I don’t really know. We were working on a few songs last night…and it’s like Chan had some great epiphany”

“Oh”

There were people swimming in the Han river, some of them were skinny dipping too, and Hyunjin averted his eyes as you passed them. It was so strange to be here, and talk to him, like everything was okay. His tall frame so close to you again, and he took longer strides than you but right now he was slowing down to keep up. You made sure there was enough distance between the two of you so your arms wouldn’t accidently brush. It was funny. Months ago, you used to pray for this to happen, to be alone with him, to have a reason to talk to him, and to accidently touch him. 

You tried to look for Chan and Kairi against the landscape, but they were too far so all you had was to settle for Hyunjin’s momentary glances on you. “You’re good at these” He suddenly said.

“Sorry?” You looked at him.

He looked around, making a noncommittal gesture, “Birthday parties. You planned everything, right?”

“I guess. It wasn’t all me” 

“You…always outdo yourself”

You looked up at him, from the corner of your eye, “I had help. I didn’t organise it on my own”

“I know…but I’ve seen how passionate you are about these things. The food…the music…it’s all very you”

You swallowed, wondering why he was deciding to be civil all of a sudden, or maybe he’d been civil all along and you were the one creating a fucking scene, “Thank you…”

“It reminds me of the beach party, for Felix’s birthday. That one…was so good too”

“Well, at least if things don’t work out with my art, maybe I can become a party planner” You mumbled.

Hyunjin laughed. He actually laughed. It was between a giggle and a chuckle and you looked up at him in surprise. He covered his mouth with his hand, eyes wide, “I’m sorry. I didn’t mean to agree with you. Things will obviously work out. You’re a great artist”

You couldn’t handle seeing him like this. Eyes crinkled, a real smile. Was he not miserable without you? You looked back at your feet, arms crossed over your chest, “Yup”

“So…is he your boyfriend?”

You looked up, “Sorry?”

Hyunjin seemed nonchalant as he asked, “Nate. The boy you were dancing with” His eyebrows were knitted together, as if he actually even cared if that was your boyfriend or not. 

“We’re here” You told him, choosing not to answer, pointing to a clearing in the trees, “You can see the dock right through there”

Hyunjin stepped ahead, forest leaves crunching under his feet as he did so. There was a pile of rocks and big boulders overlooking the river. Your view was being blocked by them, and you couldn’t see anything from here. 

“I’m just gonna climb up and check if we can see anything from there” He told you, and before you could tell him it was a bad idea, Hyunjin jumped up, easily climbing onto a boulder. It looked so easy for him.

You stood at the bottom, trying to warm yourself. You should have brought a coverup because the wind here was so strong, and you were half-naked. From where Hyunjin stood, he must have a clear view of the entire campground, a good vantage point…for spying on people, like you were now. He could see over the bushes, and you couldn’t, so you asked him, “Can you see them?”

Hyunjin responded, eyes in the distant, “Yeah I can”

“And…? Does she look upset? Are they fighting?”

Hyunjin was silent. You couldn’t see anything from down here, and you were frustrated. “Hyunjin…?” You whisper-yelled.

“Come up. You can see for yourself” He suggested, very unhelpful.

“I’m not wearing shoes. I can’t climb up rocks”

“I’ll help you” He said, turning to face you.

You looked up at him, and his hand was extended out to you. Did you really want his help? But you wanted to see for yourself. You didn’t trust him in the moment. So, you gave in, “Okay”

You grabbed his hand, only for the support, but a bolt of lightning travelled through you, through your entire body. You felt on fire, hair on the back of your neck standing up. Your heart skipped beats, and all you were doing was touching Hyunjin’s hand. It was so warm. His palm was baby-soft, like he’d been taking good care of himself, of his skin.

You tried not to let the shivers affect you. He bent down and mumbled, “Keep your foot here, and I’ll help with the rest okay?”

You climbed up onto a ledge, with sharp rocks jutting out, “If you drop me…”

“I won’t”

“Here goes nothing” You mumbled, keeping your foot on the ledge for balance, hoping you didn’t fall and embarrass yourself. Hyunjin pulled you up, tugging at your arm. You stood head-on, face inches from his. On this tiny boulder, there was barely any space for the two of you. Hyunjin clearly hadn’t calculated for that when he asked you to join him. Because now, you were pressed to each other, and his hand was on your bare waist, gripping you tightly so you won’t fall. Fuck, you’d really put yourself in this situation willingly.

“Shit. I’m so sorry” He realised, leaving his hold on you once you’d found your balance.

You were breathing heavy. Your eyes searched his, and his gaze was so familiar. Half-lidded eyes, dark hair falling into his forehead, lips pink...and plush up close. He was so beautiful, and his body was warm. 

His eyes fell to your body, noting the goosebumps on your chest, “You’re shivering”

“I’m fine”

“Take my sweater”

“Hyunjin…”

He didn’t let you finish and took off his dark woolen sweater. Inside, he was in a simple long-sleeved t-shirt that hugged him tightly. It was almost too small on him, and you could see the shape of his body through it. He handed you the warm sweater, and it was soft to the touch. You slipped it on over your bikini, and it smelled like him too.

He nodded, jutting his head towards the dock, “Um. There they are” 

You turned, trying to balance on the little space you had to stand, peering through the trees.

“Can you see them?” Hyunjin asked, maintaining a sliver of distance between you, as he tried to look over your shoulder. You could see them. Kairi and Chan sat at the edge of the dock, legs hanging off into the water. They weren’t touching, but they were sitting close together. They were talking about something, passionately, because you could hear hints of their voices all the way here.

“What…are they doing? They’re just…talking”

“Yeah” Hyunjin said, a puff of cold air leaving his mouth, “I guess they had a lot to catch up on”

Your heart clenched. You knew how much she loved him. “She missed him a lot…” You admitted.

Hyunjin glanced at you, and then back at them, “Yeah? He did too…he’s been in a lot of talks with the company”

“About what?”

His expression changed at your curiosity, “It’s not important, Y/N”

You frowned, even more curious now, “Tell me, Hyunjin”

He sighed, “It was… just about ensuring her security, in case they got back together, and even if they didn’t. Tracking down and suing the people that sent her the threats”

A flicker of hope lit up in you, for them, “Wasn’t that the only reason they weren’t together? Because of Kairi’s safety?”

Hyunjin looked at you, empty, downcast eyes, “No, when I came back to the city, they’d been having a lot of…arguments, and fights. I would hear Chan on the phone with her till the morning hours, just…arguing, about anything and everything. They weren’t even angry at each other, they were just frustrated because…he could barely give her time. It sucked, kind of felt like I’m a kid listening to my parents fall apart, you know? Watching their relationship fail right in front of me. The nights they stayed up arguing, Chan would show up to practice the next morning unmotivated and unfocused. It was affecting his work a lot. He was barely able to be creative”

You watched the side of his face, as he told you the tale of how this line of work had pulled Chan and Kairi apart. “So…what’s going to change now? Won’t they just go back to fighting?”

Hyunjin shrugged, “I don’t know. Things will never change. But I’m not gonna be the one to take away his hope”

“You really think that…?”

He looked at you, gaze piercing yours, “What?”

“That things are always going to be bad, that they won’t get better?”

“I don’t think that. I know it”

Your heart dropped, offended at the negativity he possessed, “Would it kill you to be a little more positive?”

He swallowed, looking right at you, “Me being positive is not gonna bring them back together”

Now he’d given up on his own best friend’s relationship too, what chance did you stand? You glanced back at Kairi and Chan, breath hitching in your throat at the sight. His hand was on her face now, caressing her, and he had inched closer. They looked…ethereal against the river and the moon.

“It just might” You mumbled. Chan was whispering something to her now, nose brushing against hers. It was so intimate, you suddenly felt like a voyeur.

Hyunjin inhaled, realising it at the same time as you, “We…shouldn’t watch this”

“We… shouldn’t have watched any of it” 

You turned, and Hyunjin had already jumped back onto the sandy terrain, and you wished you were as athletic as him. He made it look so easy. He was holding his hands out to you, “I got you”

You stared at him, and the way his hands were ready to catch you. He was wearing the same jewellery he always did, the same rings as the night he kissed you for the first time, and told you that you shouldn’t be worried because he wasn’t going anywhere. That all felt far too fabricated a lie now. Were any of those things he said true?

“I can get down on my own” You said, rejecting his offer to hold you, to touch you again.

“Are you sure?” He frowned, hands dropping to his side.

“Yup” You weren’t going to ask him for help again, so carefully, you stepped down, one foot on the ledge, trying to balance your weight out.

Hyunjin was watching carefully, and maybe it was good, because you fucking slipped.  Bare feet and rock climbing was not a good mix. One second, the rock was firm underneath you, the other it was gone. A yelp escaped you, but in half a second Hyunjin had stepped forward, catching you in his grip. He had you pressed you to the rocks, grip strong around your body, “Fuck. Are you okay?”

You couldn’t even find it in you to be embarrassed, staring up at him. There was no space between your bodies, and the moonlight fell right on him and his stupidly perfect face. You tried to catch your breath, but he was crushing you to the rocks. You couldn’t even breathe. Your hair fell in front of your face, and Hyunjin’s gaze flickered over it, as if he was itching to fix it. His hands dug into the fabric of the knit sweater, fingers poking in the holes, and his other hand…lay dangerously close to your ass, resting just at the end of your bikini.

So you still could feel like this again, like you would explode from human touch. You hadn’t felt this alive in the longest time, each nerve ending firing at full capacity. This is what attraction felt like, not what you had with your date in the bar, not what you felt when you kissed your friend. Your eyes searched his, for any remorse or guilt for what he’d done to you. You found none. 

"Please let go of me”

“What?”

“Let go of me, Hyunjin”

He dropped his hands from you immediately, hurt flashing through his eyes, and a part of you was happy he could still display that emotion. He’d been fauxing his emotions the entire night so well, he’d pushed them all aside, and you hated that. Why couldn’t he admit he missed you? He stepped back, apologetic, “I’m sorry. I just…wanted to make sure you were okay”

“I’m fine” You side-stepped him, walking back to the campgrounds through the trees. Hyunjin was quiet, and he followed you, a few steps behind. You knew because you could hear his breaths, and his footsteps against the crunching leaves.

After some minutes, he spoke, “Y/N…”

“I don’t want to talk to you” You were walking away from him, as fast as you could, hoping to put some distance between you.

“Y/N…you’re bleeding”

You stopped, “What?”

He stood a few steps behind, watching you, “Your leg. I think you…you cut yourself on the rock. The…branches”

You had far too much pride in the moment to even check if he was right. “It doesn’t matter. It doesn’t hurt” You mumbled, and began walking back towards the party again.

“It could get infected”

“Can you just stop talking, please? I can take care of myself”

“I’m sure you can. I’m just worried about you”

“Why are you even here?” You turned, walking back to him so you could be closer. Each step against the grass did hurt now. You must have cut yourself really bad, because the dirt was burning your wound, but you weren’t going to show your weakness, not right now. You were so far from the rest of the party, otherwise anybody would have been able to hear you arguing. You were thankful everybody else was distracted and having an actual good time, unlike you.

He frowned, “What do you mean?”

“I mean, why the fuck are you here? I didn’t invite you to this party. I want you to leave”

His eyes narrowed, “I’m not leaving Chan alone”

You let out a frustrated sigh, “He’s with Kairi, and they seem to be doing great without you!”

“You’re hurt…” He spoke, calm as fucking ever. Why couldn’t he just express himself, like he used to? Why was he wearing a shield? 

“As if that matters to you. The damage is done. I knew it wasn’t a good idea” You were talking about the cut on your leg, but of course you fucking weren’t.

He squeezed his eyes shut, “Just please let me take a look at it. I don’t want you to get hurt”

“It’s too late for that, Hyunjin”

He reached out, grabbing your arm with more force than you expected, to pull you closer, “Y/N. Stop fighting me. I’m not letting you go without making sure you’re all right”

The authority in his voice shocked you. You’d never heard Hyunjin so determined before, so aggressive. His eyes were narrowed, and his grip on your arm was strong but not tight enough to hurt you. You swallowed, wanting to suddenly cry because you were in so much pain and he was the reason for it all, “Fine”

His grip relaxed on you, and he let out a breath as if it was hurting him too. He looked around, eyes landing on the glass house hidden between the trees, “Can you walk till there?”

“Yeah”

You only felt a little shameful, walking over to the cabin, and you hope nobody was fucking in there or anything. Hyunjin pushed open the door, stepping inside, rummaging through the drawers and cabinets.

“Everything’s empty” He mumbled, a frustrated look in his eyes.

You leaned against the doorway, arms crossed, “Yeah. It’s a vacation rental, so there’s not gonna be any personal belongings. Maybe you could check in the bedroom”

He sighed, walking through the open doorway into the bedroom. The house was so…modern, and fancy, with large glass windows that faced the river. You could imagine how nice it’d be to spend the night here. There was an open four-claw white bathtub, and clearly this room was designed for sex. Why else would there be a tub in here? Hyunjin seemed impatient as he opened every cupboard, pulling open the drawers with gold knobs.

“Found anything?” 

He shook his head, “No…just condoms”

“Oh…”

“And a bottle of…lube” He chuckled, turning to look at you, arms crossed as he leaned against the dresser, “Yeah. nice planning. There’s no first aid kits, anywhere?”

“I don’t know” You sighed, “I wasn’t exactly planning on climbing up rocks”

Hyunjin ran a hand through his hair, “Right. Can you sit down?”

The bedsheets were nicely made, you didn’t want to ruin it but you were in pain now. You sat at the edge of it, hands in your lap. You had on Hyunjin’s sweater on top, but under that…you were still just in your bikini, legs bare. He knelt down on the floor, lifting your leg up in his hands. A wave of deja vu overwhelmed you. This position… reminded you of Felix’s birthday party. Almost the exact same thing had happened, when San had broken a beer bottle and Hyunjin had been worried about you. You stayed quiet, letting him probe around. The cut was near your Achilles heel, which explained why it hurt so much. Tenderly, he touched the skin around it, “Does this hurt?”

You nodded, biting your lip, “Yeah. It hurts.”

He sighed, looking up at you, intense gaze, “It’s…not that deep a cut, but…you shouldn’t go in the river or anything. It could get infected”

“So I’ll be fine? We’re done here?”

He let go of your leg so you could put it down, “Yeah”

Clearing his throat, he got up to walk to the door.

You stared after him, “You’re leaving?”

“There’s a store a few miles from here. I’ll get you a bandaid”

“What? You’re gonna drive all the way for that. That’s stupid. It’s…an hour away”

“Then it’s a good thing I’m not asking for your permission, is it?” He mumbled, pushing the door to walk back outside the house.

“Hyunjin” You groaned, getting up to follow him, “Wait! What are you doing?”

He threw his hands up, voice high, “I don’t know. What the hell do you want me to do?”

As if this was your fault, “Well, maybe don’t come to a party you’re not invited to. That would be a great start”

His voice shot up higher, “I’m sorry I fucked up, okay? I came here for Chan. I had no fucking idea you’d be here! I didn’t even know you knew Kairi, so how could I have guessed you’d be at her birthday party, Y/N?”

You swallowed, knowing he was right, frustrated tears rising up, “So you wouldn’t have come…if you knew I was here? I was right?”

He sighed, each word said so powerfully it cut through you, “Yes. It would have changed everything! I obviously would have preferred to stay home rather than watch you make out with your new boyfriend right in front of me!”

Your eyes widened, and it seemed like he instantly regret what he said.

He squeezed his eyes shut, “I’m sorry. I didn’t…mean to yell”

Hurried footsteps distracted you, and you turned to see Kairi walking up to you, confused gaze, “Hey. Why are you all the way here?”

“Kairi. Are you okay?” You asked, immediately embracing her, “I was looking for you earlier”

She nodded, “I am. I am. I just I got to talking with Chan, and we didn’t realise how much time had passed. I’m so sorry, oh my god. Does everybody hate me for abandoning my own party?”

You shook your head, pulling back to look at her, and you were happy to see that there were no tears, “No, no, they’re all having a good time. That doesn’t matter anyway, are you okay right now? Do you feel…okay?”

She nodded, “I am. Chan and me…we talked about a lot of shit. I’ll tell you everything”

“Where is he?” Hyunjin asked.

Kairi’s eyes widened at him, “Hwang fucking Hyunjin! What did I do to deserve the honor of you showing up to my party?”

He smiled at her, and it’s like his mood had changed instantly around her, “Happy birthday, Kairi”

She jumped into his arms, tackling him in a hug, “I missed you dumbass” He hugged her back, warmly, burying his head in her shoulder, “I missed you too, Kairi”

She pushed his hair out of his face, hands resting on his cheekbones, “You look fucking hot, Jinnie. It’s been a while”

His eyes sparkled at her, cheeks flushing, “I hope you’ve been taking care of yourself too”

Why couldn’t you be the one to get a reunion so warm?  It was your fault for being bitter anyway, and for trying to start a fight with Hyunjin. You don’t even know what you were trying to do.

“I see you two have been reunited” Chan laughed, walking over to you. He glanced at you, a sheepish smile on his face, “I’m sorry about earlier, Y/N…”

“It’s okay…” You told him, “I get it. You really needed to see her”

He nodded, looking around the grounds, “So did I completely ruin the party?”

“No” Kairi shook her head, “I think most of them are too drunk to even notice I’m gone. Although…Y/N might be a little sad” She pouted at you, “You planned everything. I’m sorry it didn’t go accordingly”

You felt conscious, feeling all their eyes on you, “No, I only did it for you. If you’re happy…that’s enough for me”

Chan nodded, glancing at his wristwatch, “Fuck. It’s getting really late. We have a flight in the morning. Should we drop you guys home?”

They had a flight? To where? You shook your head to answer him, “No, that’s okay. I’m…going with Jeonghan”

Kairi giggled at his mention, “Your boy was passed the fuck out a few minutes ago. I think he drank too much. Eric said they’re gonna drive back in the morning, when they’re all sobered up. Do you wanna wait till then?”

It was almost three am, and you don’t think you could wait till dawn, “Oh…no I’ll just take a taxi home. I have class at eleven”

“A taxi from here to the city? Of course not. That’s not safe” She frowned. You forced a smile at Kairi, “Um. I’ll just take it in the morning then”

“That’s a terrible idea” Hyunjin mumbled.

“Just come with us?” Chan offered, and his voice was so sweet it was hard to say no, but they’d all known each other for years, and you’d feel too awkward riding with them, “I’m just…gonna go check with Nate, if that’s cool” 

Chan nodded, casually, “Ah. We’ll be in the parking lot. Look for the black car”

You nodded, “Got it. Thanks Chan”

You glanced at Hyunjin, and he was already looking at you, arms crossed in front of his chest. He averted his gaze as soon as you caught him. 

Back at the bonfire, Jeonghan was sitting in a beach chair, talking to a group of strangers. They must be locals who had rented some cabins. His face lit up when he saw you walk to him, “Where’d you get that sweater? Is there a mall here I don’t know about?”

“It’s just my friends” You told him, not in the mood to joke, bending down to be level at him, “Kairi said you passed out. Are you okay?”

He nodded, smiling, “I’m fine, Y/N. I just found out that these people went to the same high school as me, in LA. Isn’t that crazy?”

You glanced over, at some locals who were sat in a circle. The set-up seemed cozy, there was cider and hotdogs that lay between them, “Oh wow. It’s a small world” You told him, “Um, I came here to ask…Kairi was headed home, and she asked if I wanna come with. But I said I’ll stay with you, make sure you’re okay and everything”

Jeonghan’s lips tugged up into a smile, “Y/N. I’m more than okay. You seem tired, on the other hand. Maybe you should let Kairi take you home? I think I’ll chat here with them for an hour or so”

You nodded, biting your lip, “Are you sure? I don’t want to leave you here alone”

He rolled his eyes, “Are you trying to make me fall in love with you?”

You swallowed, “I’m just being a good friend, Nate”

He leaned ahead, pinching your cheek, “I know and so am I. Please, just get some sleep. You seem exhausted”

You sighed, dread filling you. This meant you’d have to ride with Hyunjin. “All right. I’ll…see you in class on Monday then?”

You got up, to leave but he tugged at your arm, voice dropping, “The boy from earlier. Was that…the guy we saw in the elevator…at Pegasus?”

You looked around, but nobody was listening, so you nodded, “Yeah. That was him”

Understanding settled in his features, “He was…looking at you the entire time he was here. When we were dancing…drinking. He...didn’t look away from you for a second”

“You saw that?”

“Mmh. Is that…the same guy you wanted to…Eternal Sunshine out of your mind?”

You smiled, the movie reference catching you off guard, “Yeah, but um, don’t tell anyone, please”

He grinned, imitating a zip over his mouth, “My lips are sealed”

»»————-

There was a black car in the parking lot. You found your shoes, and your jeans, abandoned by the check-in area at the campground, slipped them on and walked over to the car. The three of them stood there, and the trunk was open. Chan sat in the back, leg pulled up, sipping beer and Kairi was snuggled up to him. It was chilly out here. Hyunjin…stood across them, hands on his waist and they were laughing about something. He seemed so carefree when you weren’t there. His eyes were crinkled, and his laughter echoed in the open night. 

His sweater on you was warm, and you felt shy and awkward as you made your way to them, “Hey”

Kairi’s eyes lit up, “Y/N! Nate isn’t coming?”

“He…said he wanted to stay a bit”

“Perfect. We were waiting for you, so we could cut the cake” Chan smiled.

“What?” You laughed, noticing the little bento cake sat neatly in the back of the trunk, “Here? Just...the four of us?”

“Mmh” Kairi nodded, “My favorite people ever. It’s perfect”

Your heart warmed, and nothing had gone to plan, but it wasn’t up to you, “Sure... Why not?”

She jumped up, standing next to you on the concrete as Chan opened the box carefully. He dug into his pockets for a lighter, and lit the candles. It was…definitely not the way you’d envisioned tonight, but this was about Kairi, and in a way…this was perfect. 

Under the moonlight, in the empty parking lot, the glow of the candles was bright. Kairi leaned in, closing her eyes to make a wish, and then blew hard on the candles. Chan laughed loudly, singing a bad rendition of Happy Birthday, and you smiled at the sight. 

It was strange how they found solace in each other, in an abandoned lot miles away from the nearest city. The celebration was small, much smaller than you’d planned…but it still felt complete. You hugged Kairi, arms tight around her, and she hugged Hyunjin after you. You wonder if your scent lingered on him, through her. He said something to make her laugh, and she teased him by smearing frosting on his cheek. Hyunjin gasped, dramatically, dipping his finger right into the cake. 

“No, no, no!” Kairi laughed, hiding behind Chan. Chan rolled his eyes, “Jinnie. You’re not putting cake on her” 

Hyunjin rolled his eyes, laughing, “Relax…” Although clearly he’d been planning to do just that. Instead of putting it on her face, he licked his finger, tongue swirling around it. 

Kairi got on her toes, pulling Chan in for a hug. You still don’t know what they talked about that made them so happy again, but you would have to be patient and she would tell you everything. For a few seconds, they just held each other, indulging in and enjoying each other’s embrace Your gaze drifted to Hyunjin. There was a small smile on his face, and shamelessly he watched them. You remember how much he loved Chan and Kairi. They were…the world to him. So… he must be the happiest right now. 

Your own smile fell though, the longer you looked at Hyunjin. He must be cold, but he’d given you his sweater…it wasn’t much but it was everything right now. He made you crave him always, even when you were supposed to be so angry at him. The adoration in his eyes, the softness in his gaze…it used to be yours. He used to look at you like that, and you still didn’t understand what changed.

What happened to make him change towards you so drastically? Why didn’t he want you anymore? After the way you’d acted tonight, showing your immature, petty and vengeful side, he probably wouldn’t want to even…associate with you anymore. A wave of sadness hit you. Had your anger ruined any chance you had with him tonight? 

But…why wouldn’t you be angry at him? You had every right. Or maybe…he’d just think of you as the bitchy ex-girlfriend for the rest of his life. You were an anecdote to tell his future lovers, a girl to mention in passing, someone he had a fling with one summer. To you, he was the entire world…but he’d never reciprocate the feeling. You’d ruined everything, because of your sadness. Tears shot up to your eyes, and you looked away. 

You wish you never met Hyunjin. Your own thought killed you.

“Come on. We should get going, if we hope to make it to Seoul by dawn” Chan said, pulling away, hoarse voice. 

“You’re not driving are you?” Kairi asked him, “There’s a lot I wanna talk to you about”

“She means she wants to get drunk with you in the backseat” Hyunjin laughed.

“Same difference” Kairi shrugged, and then turned to you, “You don’t mind riding shotgun, right? Hyunjin’s a good driver”

How did you end up in this situation anyway? You'd already told Kairi that you had no problem with Hyunjin. You'd already caused so much trouble tonight.

“Yeah. I don’t mind” You mumbled. Chan closed the trunk, after making sure the cake was secure, and you walked to the front. You didn’t even know they had their own cars. You’d always assumed their managers drove for them, but their company probably had no idea they were even here. 

Huh. Hyunjin broke the rules for Chan. Just not for you.

You settled into the passenger seat, and Hyunjin sat next to you. 

“Jinnie, you’re gonna have to adjust the seat for yourself” Chan told him, as he and Kairi settled comfortably in the backseat.

“Ah. The sins of being tall” Kairi joked. In the rear view mirror, you saw them immediately snuggle together, and Chan wrapped an arm around her, like they couldn’t bear to be apart. Must be nice. You were jittery, and anxious again, having Hyunjin in such close proximity to you. You rest your hand on the console, trying to not look at his side profile, trying to not think of how you were in his sweater over your wet swimsuit.

Chan moved ahead, hand landing on the back of your seat, “So, Y/N. Tell me more. Now that you’re finally here, I’d love to hear about you”

You bit your lip, “I’m sure you already know everything there is to know about me…”

A warm sensation made you jump, and you realised Hyunjin had accidentally placed his hand on top of yours, on the console between you. 

“Sorry” He apologised, pulling his hand back.

“Um. It’s fine” You put your hands in your lap. You’d forgotten how warm and comforting his hand was. You wanted to hold it again, for the rest of the ride. Glancing in the rearview, Chan was saying something to Kairi, her face held in his big hands as he looked at her with so much love in his eyes. Perhaps this is why their car had blacked out windows.

“So…how long will it take us to get home, Jinnie?” He asked.

Hyunjin glanced at the GPS, that was above the console, “Says about three hours”

“Fuck. I’m definitely gonna fall asleep” Kairi laughed, and Chan nodded, “Me too”

Hyunjin reached into the glove compartment, taking out a pair of thin silver-rimmed glasses. He put them on, and you’d never seen him wear these before so these must be anti-glare, for the drive. Regardless…he looked suddenly ten times hotter than before, and you looked away. You would blame the alcohol for how attracted you felt to him in this moment.

“What are you waiting for, Jinnie?” Kairi asked him.

“Um. Car won’t start until everyone has their seatbelts in”

He glanced at you, and before you could even think, he had leaned over to your side, pulling your belt out of the hook. Your breath stopped as his face hovered over yours but his gaze was focused on the strap as he pulled it towards him. He clicked it in place for you, crossing the strap over your chest, and waist, then he asked you, voice low and hoarse, “That comfortable?”

Just for a second, he looked up at you, eyes meeting yours. His strong scent infiltrated you. You had no words to say. He was so close, and you just nodded, hoping that would be enough.

“We’re good now” He spoke, leaning back into his own seat, and started the car. There was absolutely no fucking need for him to be doing that for you. You knew how to put a seatbelt on, but now you wished he was always there to do it for you. 

Your chest was pounding embarrassingly loud. You think everybody could hear it. You glanced at him, and his hands rested on the wheel, and he looked so fucking attractive. The thin glasses rested on his nose, and he licked his lips, turning around, one hand on the wheel, other on the back of your seat so he could reverse the car out of its parking lot. God, you wish you never met him but you wanted to jump over the console into his lap, and kiss him for the rest of your life. 

Hyunjin cleared his throat, and looked at you before turning to face the road again. His gaze dropped to your body for a second, to his sweater hugging you tightly. You weren’t talking to each other, but… your gaze mirrored his, you’re sure. You stared at his face illuminated in the moonlight, darkened look in his eyes. So, he couldn't love you, but you still had an effect on him, and it made you feel proud. Anybody in the world would be able to tell what you wanted to do to each other. Even right now, when you hated him more than anything. Even when he’d broken your heart and made no attempt to patch it back up. 

You both said nothing, as he focused on the road, pulling out of the campgrounds to catch the highway. The silence was enough. You’d been in this car for just a few minutes, and you were already dying, air thick with tension. 

There were three long hours to Seoul, on a dark highway through the woods, with only the moonlight to guide you, and Hyunjin was inches from you. 

You had no idea how you’d make it there, without completely ruining each other.

»»————-

masterlist ⇒

please let me know if you liked the chapter, or any thoughts on this part! thank you :) 

#hyunjin x reader #hyunjin smut #angst #Hyunjin imagines #skz x reader #skz imagines #fluff #friends to lovers #hwang hyunjin x reader

[lunarlianna]

Ceres asteroid

Ceres, originally an asteroid and now considered a Dwarf Planet by astronomers, plays a pivotal role in astrology. Often associated with nurturing, attachment, and self-care, Ceres sheds light on our relationships and well-being. This celestial body's placement in your birth chart unveils how you express love, seek support, and approach finances, offering valuable insights into your personal growth and nurturing style. Ceres symbolizes the natural world, the ever-changing rhythms of the seasons, womanhood, fertility, parenting, and reproduction. Ceres, also known as Demeter in Greek mythology, is the goddess of agriculture and motherly relationships. The myth centers around her daughter, Persephone in Greek Mythology.  While often relevant within a 1-3º orb with Natal Planets, Ceres provides insights based on House and Sign placement, addressing key aspects of our relationships and well-being.

Ceres in signs

Ceres in Aries: you possess a strong sense of self-sufficiency and independence, often relying on your inner drive to support both yourself and those around you. You tend to seize opportunities with enthusiasm and speed. However, it's important to approach impulsiveness and anger with mindfulness, as they can occasionally affect your self-care. Sports and competition boost your well-being. In relationships, you seek partners who empower you and ignite your fearless spirit.

Ceres in Taurus: you're the dependable and stable force in your loved ones' lives, working hard to create a comfortable future for them. You seek partners who can provide abundance and completeness. Nurturing, for you, is all about physical touch and creating a cozy environment. With Ceres feeling right at home in Taurus, you excel at building long-lasting abundance and using resources wisely. You may find joy in supporting others materially and have a deep connection to the physical world, your senses, and the pleasures of life, especially through food and nature.

Ceres in Gemini: you're drawn to a partner who can intellectually stimulate and inspire your growth through meaningful communication and learning. Nurturing your mind is essential, and you may find joy in acquiring knowledge, mastering various subjects, or simply using your mental energy wisely. However, remember not to push yourself too hard to prevent burnout. You excel at providing mental support, especially to younger individuals, and your natural gift for teaching and effective communication shines through.

Ceres in Cancer: taking care of your emotional well-being is crucial, and having a strong support system is key to feeling fulfilled. While you may have physical comforts, they can feel empty without sufficient emotional fulfillment. You tend to be exceptionally supportive of others emotionally, sometimes giving more than receiving, which should be balanced. A stable home and family life are vital for your personal growth. You prioritize creature comforts like being at home and cooking, focusing on stability and connections in life.

Ceres in Leo: you're a motivated go-getter who pursues your desires with determination. You're attracted to bold and confident partners who earn your respect and admiration, providing you with a sense of confidence. Your creative side is a source of self-nurturing, and it offers opportunities for the attention you crave. Supporting and encouraging children, whether your own or others, brings you fulfillment, and your hobbies provide solace and support. It's essential to address any issues related to your need for attention, as self-expression, recognition, and love are fundamental to your growth and success.

Ceres in Virgo: you embody devotion and nurturing, using your intellect and practicality to create a caring environment for loved ones. In relationships, you're loyal and go to great lengths for your partner, seeking empowerment, avoid any situations where you might be taken for granted. Your path to growth involves competence, self-discipline, and a quest for excellence. You find comfort in well-organized settings, and maintaining daily routines plays a vital role in nurturing yourself. You express support through subtle acts of kindness. However, it's essential to address any tendencies towards perfectionism and self-criticism, as they can sometimes affect your self-confidence.

Ceres in Libra: you bring patience and nurturing to your relationships, cherishing the importance of love and care. You seek partners who inspire your independence. Beauty, grace, and cooperation are your guiding principles, and you find deep fulfillment in meaningful connections with people you profoundly respect. It's vital for you to maintain a balance in giving and receiving support. Your strong suits include negotiation, compromise, and mediation, which play a significant role in fostering harmony in your relationships.

Ceres in Scorpio: you possess a natural gift for nurturing and empowering those around you, uplifting them and making them recognize their self-worth. In relationships, you seek loyalty and trust, as these qualities are essential for your sense of strength and security. Your path to growth centers on deep, intimate connections with others, emphasizing self-empowerment. However, remember to reserve some for yourself and maintain a balance in giving and receiving. Intimacy plays a crucial role in boosting your confidence, and you thrive in relationships marked by strong physical and emotional bonds.

Ceres in Sagittarius: Your journey to growth and success involves the freedom to expand your horizons and explore the philosophies, religions, laws, and cultures of the world, fostering a deep connection to the world's diverse perspectives. Your nurturing style can vary; you may either find it challenging to provide support due to your desire for personal space or offer substantial support to others, often excelling as a mentor or through effective communication. In relationships, you seek someone who can ignite your passion for exploration and provide you with knowledge, empowering you to stand up for your beliefs.

Ceres in Capricorn: in relationships, you seek a partner who supports your goals and ambitions, providing stability and encouragement to help you achieve success. Your sense of nourishment often comes from pursuing your goals, and while you may not have felt fully supported in your younger years, you tend to amass resources and security as you grow older. Nonetheless, it's crucial to strike a balance and avoid overburdening yourself with excessive responsibilities, especially in supporting others. Remember to care for yourself along the way.

Ceres in Aquarius: you're here to champion change and support the collective good. In your relationships, you seek partners who share your vision of making positive contributions to society, and their unwavering support fuels your drive for revolution. Your personal growth path centers on nurturing your uniqueness and embracing your individuality. Your friends are a crucial source of support, and your involvement in meaningful causes empowers you to impact the lives of others positively. However, you might need to work on connecting more deeply with your emotions and reducing any tendencies toward emotional detachment to strengthen your relationships.

Ceres in Pisces: that's you – the empathetic soul. You've walked in others' shoes, and your love fiercely shields your dear ones from life's harshness. In love, you seek someone who can keep you grounded, as you tend to escape into a vibrant world to evade the darkness of reality. For you, growth and success come from your wellspring of compassion, unwavering faith, and trust. You're the ultimate caregiver, often putting others' needs before your own. Remember, it's okay to prioritize yourself and embrace self-care.

#astro observations #astro community #astro placements #astrology #all signs #astro notes #for you #asteroid #astrologer #zodiac placements #asteroid astrology #asteroid mining #asteroides #asteroid observations

[a-butterfly1]

==✦NINJAGO AU MASTERPOST✦==

This is an AU I've been working on, I will actually work on it on writting ( on AO3 ) instead of making a comic/manga because I tend to procastinate when it comes to drawing panels ( if you have been keeping up with other pojects of mine you would know this), hopefully I will keep this updated.

==❤︎CHARACTER INFORMATION❤︎==

Lloyd Montgomery Garmadon

Age- 1000+ (immortal) Height: 5'8 (1,73m)

Lloyd has lived many years, of course, now he's immortal, he doesn't have much of a choice but to continue living on. He was many things throughout his life: a bratty child, a son, a master, a hero and now he's nothing more than a myth, while still a part of ninjago history many actually question if he ever really existed or not. He ostracized himself from society for a reason, after all,- it's painfull to make relationships when they are so short lived. He is considered a god by many, but he denies that being the case, maybe the embodiment of the balance between good and evil but he wont try to call himself anything more. Lloyd now lives with the spirits of his family with the occasional visits from Morro and Garmadon, his father.

==꒷꒦︶︶꒷︶︶꒦꒦︶︶꒷꒦==

Jay Walker

Age- 1000+ (spirit) Died at 115 Height: 5'10 (1,78m) Status: Nya's husband

He was a man of the spotlight, he shined brithly- TV shows, TheyTube channels, he was knowed worldwide. Not that he minds the retirement, he lived his life; he had two beautiful twins with the love of his life, Nya. He died happy, even if he was the last one to die, 3 years after Nya had passed. His last years were spent with Lloyd. In his many years in the Ninja team, he's come to realise he doesn't exactly have the same type of strengh like the others so he created a different weapon one that creates iron alloy strings, that resemble spider webs. He also practiced racing with his wife in his free time and created all kinds of machines and weapons which ranged from house equipment to ninja tech, like mechs, weapons and transport.

==꒷꒦︶︶��︶︶꒦꒦︶︶꒷꒦==

Kai Smith

Age- 1000+ (spirit) Died at 95 Height: 6'2 (1,88m) Status: Skylor's husband and Nya's bio brother

Kai was a little bit of an influencer in his younger years, but as the years went by he settled more into being a family man with his wife Skylor and his little girl. How did he become a spirit? Well it was his idea; well his plan was to become immortal like Lloyd but he was intersected by Morro, so he opted for the second best option: giving his powers to Lloyd, so even if he was dead he would be with Lloyd through his power; what wasn't part of the plan was he actually becoming part of Lloyd as a spirit, not that he is complaining, he got what he wanted in the end; and since he was the one that piched the idea to the ninja, he just involved them all into the mad plan- one that Lloyd was unaware of. He trully is a mad man, no one, and I mean, no ONE, puts themselves between him and his family, the last person who did so, is no longer amoung us, the last thing they saw was Kai becoming a demonic ball of flames.

==꒷꒦︶︶꒷︶︶꒦꒦︶︶꒷꒦==

Nya Smith Walker

Age- 1000+ (spirit) Died at 112 Height: 6'0 (1,83m) Status: Jay's wife and Kai's bio sister

Nya, famous racer, only had to step down from the hobbie/carrer when she got into a small accident, while she wasn't gravelly wounded that was enough for her to be proibited from competitive racing. From that day on she still raced but became more of an idol than a racer per say. She ended up working on engineer projects, solo or with Jay, mostly out of boredom. Now, since she is dead, she has more free time than ever, and uses it to learn and explore every digital corner of the internet, catching a few criminals in the way. Many say she is mystical and her strengh is as crushing as the waves in a storm can be, yet calm and relaxing as the days in the beach, others, like the Ninja themselves just see her as they're beloved sister.

==꒷꒦︶︶꒷︶︶꒦꒦︶︶꒷꒦==

Cole Brookestone

Age- 1000+ (spirit) Died at 87 Height: 6'8 (2,03m) Status: Vania's husband

Cole, King of the Kingdom of Shintaro, Husband of Queen Vania, father of the prince of Shintaro, and our beloved cake lover, sadlly passed away early, well earlier than his siblings at least, the unknowed illness that had taken the life of his mother had decided to claim another. Cole fell gravelly ill, bedridden in his late stages of life. Bedridden in the castle, he invited Lloyd over for most possibly a final goodbye, although he didn't think that Lloyd would stay around the whole time it wasn't completly unexpected, right there he was the first one to execute Kai's plan, and the first to discover the side effects of the plan; from then on he was part of Lloyd and made sure to let the others know of the end result.

==꒷꒦︶︶꒷︶︶꒦꒦︶︶꒷꒦==

Zane Julien

Age- 1000+ (nindroid) Height: 7'0 (2,13m) Status: P.I.X.A.L's husband

Caretaker of the rest of the Ninja team and their children, especially since those little kids sure liked uncle Lloyd a whole lot and would visit constently. He stayed with Lloyd in the monastery alongside P.I.X.A.L and Morro (who visits soo much he pretty much lives there, has a room and everything). Him and Lloyd share house chores, and Zane is in charge of looking at news around ninjago, to ensure it's safety, as well as helping in some researches since Lloyd is only one person and can only intake soo much information at a time. He is the only one that hasn't partaken in Kai's plan, since there is literally no reason to, Zane obviously doesn't die of old age, one may claim that he could possible get rusty and need repairs at some point but Lloyd and P.I.X.A.L are always around is any issue is to come.

==✿ADDITIONAL INFORMATION✿==

The Ninja team, many years after most of the team's death, has move the location of the monestary far away from the main ninjago island, and instead now lives in a far away island that Lloyd created west of Ninjago city, around the middle of Ninjago and the dark island (thats has been sealed away by Lloyd). The reason for that change is because of something rather strange, it's not just to ensure Lloyd's ever soo wished isolation but also because a merchant had attented to buy the place, with the intention of turning the monestary into a tourist attraction. Lloyd got a bit peeved and decided to pick up the mountain where the monestary was on top of and relocated it;

The only reason the Jay was living with Lloyd in his last moments, was because he genuenly belived he would miss the mark to execute Kai's plan, because he belives himself to be quite clumsy and distracted; either way he didn't miss it and now is with the rest of the team (which is a way to say that he can now torment the Ninja forever);

Lloyd has a cute nickname for all the Ninja's kids, and spoiled them to no end (he is the fun uncle who takes everyone to Disneyland), he calls Kai's daugther "munchkadee", Jay and Nya's twins has "Starlight" and "Moonlight" for the girl and boy respectively, and Cole's son is "Duckling";

the age diference of the Ninja are, from youngest to oldest: Lloyd - Nya - Jay - Kai - Cole - Zane ( to say, with maybe the idea of the 1 season, Lloyd (8->15) - Nya (15) - Jay (16) - Kai (17) - Cole (18) - Zane (30-40? he is old);

(conceivable for change) As of right now, Lloyd's power is one that could rival gods, the source of said power is something OP is still considering but the possible main reason might be related to "source dragons", has to why the other Ninja's had powers even after having kids is related to Lloyd giving them an artifact that has their specific element embodied into them (the artifacts are not phisical and can only be visualised when the Ninja have already passed, the artifact will most likely have the form of a card); (the reason of this possible change is the development of the plot of "Dragons Rising").

#i've finally been able to show you these guys #still working on them but i'm very happy to give you guys some insite on my ninjago au #ninjago au #ninjago fanart #ninjago #kai ninjago #kai smith #cole brookstone #cole ninjago #ninjago cole #lloyd ninjago #lloyd garmadon #jay walker #jay ninjago #zane julien #zane ninjago #lloyd montgomery garmadon #nya smith #lego ninjago #my art #butterfly's art #reference sheet #spirit ninjago au #art

[nelkcats]

Ghost Blood

Bad things happen to good people

------------------------------------

The Justice League and the Justice League Dark had met to discuss something extremely important and confidential: the end of the world.

While this was something they faced on a weekly basis, this time it was different. It had started when the chaos lords found an ancient ritual to gain power, and multiple villains joined them to complete the requirements. Klarion, who had noticed that the spell was going to end the world sooner or later, informed the heroes.

The problem was that the spell was already underway, and it was a process that could not be stopped. They had a couple of hours left before all the known horrors in the universe would take an interest in Earth.

The Justice League Dark was overworked, all of them looked extremely exhausted. Even Deadman offered to help but there was little he could do. As they discussed how to proceed, Constantine grabbed an old spell book he was leafing through and angrily threw it to the ground, catching everyone's attention.

"Bloody hell" the Brit glared at the ground angrily "so fucking close".

His companions asked him what was going on, to which Constantine informed them that there was a solution to their current problem. Some sort of powerful cancelation spell that would solve their problems. He saw their hopeful faces and sighed, he supposed he should break their hopes sooner than later.

"We can't use it" the Hellbazer said wearily.

"Why not?" Wonder Woman looked at him frustrated "if it's the only option, surely we can-"

"We can't use it because one of the ingredients doesn't exist!" Constantine blurted out, furious. He had analyzed all the options and that was the only one that might work, but the essential ingredient was missing.

"The spell requires ghost blood" John commented after calming down, desperation could be heard in his voice "but ghosts don't have blood, their blood is ectoplasm, it's impossible!"

Deadman had suddenly gone silent.

"There would have to be a hybrid or something but clearly they don't exist, it's too unlikely."

The League, which had previously perked up at the possible solution, sank back in disappointment. Zatanna, however, noticed the ghost's reaction and watched him curiously.

"...What if it's possible?" Deadman's voice was heard in the silence. Constantine had made him visible to the others during the investigation but the ghost was not used to the attention.

"It's not, it's not possible to combine life and death, the balance would have been broken one way or another" Constantine denied.

"John, what if it's possible?" Deadman repeated "what if a hybrid exists?"

What if the hybrid is the balance?

"Are you saying what I think you're saying?" Constantine observed his friend. Ghost blood was a myth, mentioned in many books but never used.

"Don't get too excited" the ghost warned "there is a hybrid with that kind of blood but he's not-, he doesn't trust humans anymore, for a very good reason."

"However, he does exist" Wonder Woman said in disbelief "can you tell us more?"

Deadman looked around at the nearly destroyed dimension and begged the Ancients for forgiveness for what he was about to do.

"He was born by the Realms and for the Realms, he's a good boy" Deadman sighed, revealing the secret he was never supposed to mention "but as you well know, bad things happen to good people."

The ghost thought of the communique that had reached all the ghosts. On how the Ancients had taken in a child, how they had demanded that he needed to be left alone.

"It's not my place to say what happened" and he didn't have many details either, though gossip traveled fast "but he doesn't trust anyone beyond his guardians, he hates adults and he's scared of needles and other medical instruments, I don't think he'll be much help."

"We have to try, there's not much time left" Batman frowned. Something inside him stirred at the mention of an injured child "Can you tell us where he is?"

"The Infinite Realms" Constantine replied instantly, lighting a cigarette, his hands were shaking "But who are his guardians?"

"The Ancients" Deadman replied "and if you want their help, you really must come up with a plan."

It was obvious that only the Justice League Dark had understood the implications of all this, they were pale and looked scared. Even Dr. Fate and Marvel looked like the end of the world had been confirmed.

"I can take you there" the ghost said, nostalgic at the thought of visiting the dimension "time doesn't work the same there, so you won't spend much time even if it takes weeks to get close, but you can't all go, you'll scare him off"

"We'll go" Captain Marvel spoke up, overcoming his fear "if it's the only option, we'll go."

Little did they know that from the Infinite Realms the Master of Time was watching them with a raised eyebrow. The Ancient shook his head, knowing he should prepare for visitors before heading to the couch next to his screens. Danny was reclining there, sipping hot chocolate and bundled up in one of his cloaks.

The halfa greeted him looking relaxed but Clockwork wouldn't be fooled by that (he could still see the boy, his boy, with his chest wounded, crying for help), he reached over to stroke his protégé's hair affectionately, thinking of ways to get rid of his visitors. While Danny was likely to want to help, he couldn't care less about what happened to that dimension.

#dpxdc #Revelation goes wrong #bad parents jack and maddie #They found out about Phantom #Danny only escaped thanks to his friends #they closed the portal after that #and Danny stayed with the Ancients #They adopted him #dp x dc #dc x dp #Danny is scared of medical instruments because of what his parents did #The scars are still on his body #DC dimension is going to disappear if they don't get Danny's blood #But before they talk to Danny they need to get over his overprotective parents first #Danny would help if they ask probably #he's still scared of adults though #Ghost Blood is a myth #is an essential ingredient for a lot of rituals #and only Danny has it #Danny is not going to like that piece of knowledge #Danny is JL last hope

[our-lord-satanas]

BAPHOMET

WHO ARE THEY?

Baphomet is a Pagan deity that represents duality and balance. Most people work with Baphomet in order to become more peaceful, understanding, and balanced. Baphomet is often referred to as ‘Satan’ or ‘The Devil’, which isn’t true. People mostly say that because Baphomet has pentacle on their head and they have the head of a goat. A goat represents fertility and spiritually.

BASIC INFO:

Appearance: in some Pagan traditions, Baphomet is seen as a symbol of balance and unity between the Divine Masculine and Divine Feminine, represented by a human figure with the head of a goat. In other traditions, Baphomet is considered the personification of the primordial chaos and oblivion. In some folklore and myths, Baphomet was a symbol of fertility and reproductive power, and was often depicted as a hermaphrodite or a hybrid creature.

Personality: Baphomet is often depicted as a fierce and formidable entity, representing the destructive and chaotic forces of nature. Although they can seem intimidating and unpredictable, they also have a nurturing and compassionate side. Their personality is often reflected in the dual nature of Baphomet, where they are both masculine and feminine, gentle and fierce, peaceful and intense. They are a symbol of balance and unity, the meeting point of opposites and contradictions.

Symbols: pentagram, head of a goat, human body with an animal head, pentacle, sword, key, male and female, and the words "As above so below"

God/Goddess of: sexuality, demonic forces, wisdom, nature, balance, darkness, and pride

Culture: Pagan

Plants and trees: rosemary, lilacs, irises, lavender, aconitum napellus, black walnut, and cacao

Crystals: obsidian, amethyst, onyx, crystal quartz, garnet, black tourmaline, ruby, selenite, and brown quartz

Animals: black goats, snakes, wolves, ravens, dogs, oxen, and black cats

Incense: dragon’s blood, black musk, opium, frankincense, and mag champa

Colours: black, white, yellow, red, green, purple, gold, and dark blue

Tarot: The Chariot, The Hermit, The Empress, and The Devil

Planets: Saturn and Mars

Days: Saturday, Tuesday, Walpurgis Night, Halloween, Blavatsky Day, The Winter Solstice, and Yule

Parents: Lucifer and Lilith

Siblings: none

Partner: none

Children: Azazel and Astaroth (not official)

MISC:

• The Union of Male and Female: Baphomet is often depicted with both male and female characteristics, symbolizing the unity of the masculine and the feminine.

• The Balance of Good and Evil: Baphomet is an entity of balance, symbolizing the interplay between good and evil in nature and in life.

• The Sabbatic Goat or The Horned One: Baphomet is often portrayed as a goat-like creature with horns.

• Harmony

• Knowledge and wisdom

• Power and strength

• Spiritual knowledge and enlightenment

• A balance scale, which represents balance and harmony

• The word "Solve and Coagulo", which translates to "divide and combine" and refers to the dualism nature of Baphomet

• Rebellion and defiance

• Freedom and individuality

• Unity and togetherness

• Chaos and disorder

• Sexuality and sensuality

• Nature and wildness

• Protection and defense

• Magic and witchcraft

FACTS ABOUT BAPHOMET:

• Name: Baphomet is named after the Greek word "baphos," which means "the virgin."

• Symbol of the Satanist: the imagery of Baphomet has become a symbol of the Satanist church, with variations on the iconography being used by other satanists.

• Relatioinships: Baphomet is a figure in the Gnoetics who often represents the synthesis of female and male principles.

• History: the figure of Baphomet is believed to have originated among Gnostics, a group who blended early Christian and Greek-Roman mythology.

• Role: they are believed to represent the balance of male and female and the union of good and evil, acting in many ways as a symbol of the Satanist.

• Associations: they are often associated with the concept of balance, as well as various other aspects of Gnosticism, such as the concept of the duality of existence, the synthesis of opposing forces, and the merging of opposites.

• Connection to the beast: it is said that Baphomet symbolized the balancing of the inner animal nature with spirituality and intelligence.

• Nature: Baphomet is considered to be a symbol of the balance of opposites, blending the masculine and feminine elements into a singular whole.

HOW TO WORSHIP BAPHOMET:

You must ask Baphomet if they want to work with you. Baphomet is a deity, so you shouldn’t be commanding them or telling them what to do. You must be patient with them. (Watch out for trickster spirits). Respectfully ask them to give you a sign, and if you’re respectful enough, you might as well get an answer.

If they answer YES, you can create an altar to be more connected, but if you cannot then have something that reminds you of them. It can be small and simple.

If they answer NO, respectfully apologize for disturbing them. If you connected through an object then you don’t have to throw it out, you can cleanse it and get rid of that intention. If it’s something from nature, you can bury it.

HOW TO PRAY TO BAPHOMET:

To begin, you can address them by name and say something like:

"Great Lord Baphomet, keeper of balance and bringer of harmony, I come to you seeking your wisdom and protection. I offer myself to you, my heart and my spirit, and I ask for your blessing in this prayer."

"Thank you, great Lord Baphomet, for walking by my side and guiding me on this path. I depart from this space with balance and peace in my heart and with a sense of purpose and direction. Hail Lord Baphomet.”

WHAT ARE SIGNS THAT BAPHOMET WANTS ME TO WORK WITH THEM?

If your request to work with Baphomet has been accepted, you can look for these signs:

• A strong connection or attraction to Baphomet.

• Desire to explore or study Baphomet's teachings.

• Wanting to explore your own masculinity or femininity and find balance in your own nature.

• Desire to challenge social norms and embrace your own unique identity.

• Feeling of being guided by a force outside yourself.

• Feeling of being called to a higher purpose or feeling like there's more to your life than just everyday existence.

If your requests to work with Baphomet have not been accepted, you may see the following signs:

• Your intuition may lead you in a different direction and away from their teachings.

• Signs in your life may not align with their teachings or you may feel unclear or uncertain regarding their energies.

• Dreams and meditations may involve different figures or energies, and you may feel a lack of connection with Satan or Baphomet's energies.

Overall you need to be respectful of deities denying your request.

OFFERINGS:

• Your time.

• Meditation.

• Communication.

• Carving Baphomet’s symbol or name into a candle.

• Any kind of art of them.

• Being respectful.

• Learning about them.

• Candles.

• Liquor.

• Ropes.

• Incense: dragons blood, black musk, frankincense, etc.

• Animal skulls, bones, horns, etc.

• Dark or red flowers

DEVOTIONAL ACTS FOR BAPHOMET:

• Reject traditional values and social norms

• Embrace your masculinity and femininity

• Live a chaotic, self-guided life

• Reject authority and control

• Seek freedom and autonomy

• Balance your masculine and feminine energy

• Practice self-love and self-acceptance

• Live a hedonistic lifestyle of pleasure and indulgence

• Be brave, adventurous, and open to new experiences

• Live an unconventional life.

IS IT SAFE TO EAT OR DRINK AN OFFERING I GIVE TO THEM?

It is not recommended to eat or drink an offering that was given to Baphomet. Baphomet is a God of excess and self-indulgence and represents the darker sides of the human experience. Eating or drinking an offering made to Baphomet can carry risks of negative side effects, such as a lack of balance in one's life, a sense of greediness or addiction, or other negative energetic effects. Instead, it's recommended to dispose of an offering made to Baphomet in a respectful and safe way.

#fyp #fypシ #fypシ゚viral #fypage #fyppage #tumblr fyp #paganism #satanism #satanist #deity #deity work #deity worship #occult #baphomet #pagan #god #goddess

[fl3shm4id3n]

ₜₕₑ Cₑₙₜₐᵤᵣ

𝐒𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲: 𝐘𝐨𝐮'𝐯𝐞 𝐚𝐥𝐰𝐚𝐲𝐬 𝐛𝐞𝐞𝐧 𝐜𝐮𝐫𝐢𝐨𝐮𝐬 𝐨𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐌𝐲𝐭𝐡𝐢𝐜𝐚𝐥 𝐜𝐫𝐞𝐚𝐭𝐮𝐫𝐞𝐬 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰𝐧 𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐜𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐚𝐮𝐫𝐬. 𝐖𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮 𝐝𝐢𝐝𝐧'𝐭 𝐤𝐧𝐨𝐰 𝐰𝐚𝐬 𝐭𝐡𝐚𝐭 𝐲𝐨𝐮'𝐥𝐥 𝐛𝐞 𝐦𝐞𝐞𝐭𝐢𝐧𝐠 𝐨𝐧𝐞 𝐰𝐡𝐢𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐮𝐭, 𝐥𝐨𝐬𝐭 𝐢𝐧 𝐭𝐡𝐞 𝐰𝐨𝐨𝐝𝐬.

ᴘᴀɪʀɪɴɢ: ᴄᴇɴᴛᴀᴜʀ! ᴊᴀᴋᴇ ꜱᴜʟʟʏ x ꜰᴇᴍ! ʜᴜᴍᴀɴ! ʀᴇᴀᴅᴇʀ

Tw: Smut, Monster fucking, size difference, sexual tension, nudity, skinny dipping, reader is describe to have wide hips and perky ass, masturbation, outdoor set, titty sucking, oral (f receiving), stomach bulge, kissing.

A/N: I'd like to hear some feed back on this, all feed back is appreciated

Masterlist

ʙᴇꜰᴏʀᴇ ʏᴏᴜ ɢᴏ ᴀɴʏ ꜰᴜʀᴛʜᴇʀ, ᴛʜɪꜱ ɪꜱ ɴꜱꜰᴡ/ꜱᴍᴜᴛ ᴄᴏɴᴛᴇɴᴛ, ɪꜰ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡɪꜱʜ ᴛᴏ ɴᴏᴛ ʀᴇᴀᴅ, ꜱᴋᴇᴅᴀᴅᴅʟᴇ, ɪꜰ ʏᴏᴜ ᴡɪꜱʜ ᴛᴏ ᴘʀᴏᴄᴇᴇᴅ, ᴛʜᴇɴ ʀᴇᴀᴅ ᴀᴛ ʏᴏᴜʀ ᴏᴡɴ ʀɪꜱᴋ.

Mythology had always caught your interest, specially the being mentioned in the many stories and studies you've done. But a particular one has caught your eye. The Centaur. This mythical creature has fascinated you. The lore to it had you hooked. You always wondered how it was possible for a man and horse to be fused together. Who knows, it's only legends and myths that wouldn't be possible to scientifically prove. It was still fun to learn and read about them.

In your free time you'd be reading your book over and over, you never got tired of reading your book about myths and legends from around the world. That's what you were doing at the moment, reading the same myth again. You were in love with it, specially the pictures of the centaur. You couldn't help but wonder how handsome he was, probably to get you hooked on the story or just because who ever illustrated the book thought it would be a good idea.

Your reading was cut short when you had to go out into the forest to collect samples for the scientists. You put your book away, you got ready to go. You were a biologist, who studied all kinds of life human, animal, plants and the environment that they lived in. They needed you so that the others could get the proper samples they needed. When you done getting ready, you were sent off.

The woods seemed calm, and here you were. Collecting samples on your own. You were used to doing things alone. It made you focus and work faster, when you'd be with a group of colleagues it took much longer. You also felt a bit relaxed, listening to the forest as you did your work. You were too caught up in cutting plants and digging roots from the dirt, you got dirt under your nails for sure. You'd clean them later. You went a bit further into the woods, wanting to get more than enough samples for your team of scientists. They needed as much as possible so that each individual could study there fair share.

You were too busy on your work that you didn't even notice a thanator creeping by. Searching for something to eat. You had your back turned to it, you were on your knees, digging with your hands to get a root. Then you stopped, hearing a bush rattle, you stopped and got up quickly. Looking around, studying your surroundings. You saw nothing at first, but then you turned around slowly. You saw the black panther like creature, staring back at you. The creature liked its fangs, you gripped tightly onto your knife in hand. You weren't going to die without a fight.

Slowly, you began to walk backwards, looking at the creature in the eyes, this was something you were told when out in the woods, to never turn your back on a giant wild cat. So you walked slowly, trying to get the beast to leave you alone. But then you fell backwards, losing your balance due to a huge root sticking out of the ground. This gave the Thanator a sign that it'll eat you, without thinking twice. You got up and started running for your life. The Thanator hot on your tail.

You ran, as fast as you could. Thanks to your small body, you were able to slip though small spaces, giving you time to run as the creature struggled to get to you. While you ran, you did not turn back to look at the creature still after you. You didn't want to grow any more fear then what you were already feeling, so you ran and did not look back. You then spotted a clit, and heard a waterfall bellow, assuming there was a river or a pond bellow. So you jumped, the thanator had tried to get you with its claws, it scratched you right on the arm. But you fell down to the water.

The river was strong, taking you down with it with all it's force, you tried to hold onto something, but the water was too much. You was dragged down the river. You popped your head up to try and breath, but the water was pushing you further down. It took about almost fifteen minutes until you were dragged down a shallow end. You manage to crawl out into the wet dirt. You were breathing, as if you have never breath in your life. You were weak, wet and tired. You already felt the soreness hit you. You laid on your side, trying to catch your breath. Then you felt a sharp pain on your left bicep, seen the huge ugly scratch on it. That'll scar, hopefully it doesn't go infected. You just sighed, laying your head on the wet dirt that got on your face. Slowly closing your eyes in exhaustion. As your eyes began to heavy, you couldn't help but spot a figure walking towards you from the woods. You weren't able to have a proper look at it, you only saw a what seemed to be a man, but his lover body, was much bigger. You had closed your eyes completely passing out.

You had began to wake up some time later, who knows how long you've been out cold. It must have been a while since you saw how it was dark already. You were lying on your back, your clothes were still wet, but the ground was dried. You slowly sat up, groaning in pain, looking at your arm, you saw that there was a huge leaf wrapped around were your wound was. Moving your arm, you felt some sticking substance on your wound, you touched the leaf, gently lifting it so see what it was. It was thick green like paste, and the leaf kept the past from falling off your wound. "Don't touch it or else it won't heal properly." You heard a very masculine voice in front of you say.

Looking over to see who it was, you saw a man, he was no ordinary man, but a na'vi man. You've heard of the native's, how they're very tall and muscular, he was both. You also couldn't help how handsome he was. His eyes were a yellow color, similar to a tiger's. His nose was on of a cats, his cheeks bones were very visible and his hair was long, both sides of his head were shaved, but his hair was the longest with braids, feathers and beads on it. He was very handsome, you only got to see his chest and neck. He was wearing a beaded choker and some kind of band on his chest with a knife quiver. He was sitting across a fire he had build between you both.

"You're far from home kid." He said, going back to doing what he was doing. He was using his knife to cut something, that something sounded like as if he was cutting fruits. "You helped me... why?" you asked. Wondering why a native helped you? Normally they'd leave you to die or kill you themselves. "Because you needed it. I had the same experience as you. I was also chased by a thanator, except I didn't get wounded." He explained, interesting. You wanted to get a better view of him. So you began to sit up, slightly groaning by soreness on your body. You stretched your upper body, making your tense muscles relax. You were now sitting properly. "Well... Thank you, for helping me." You said to the man, who was still cutting a fruit. He simply nodded.

There was an awkward silence. You didn't know what to say or do, so you just kept quiet. You trialed down at him, seen how strong he looked. From his arms, chest and his abs. Man, he seemed as if he had put in the work into having that kind of body. The more you look, that was when you saw his lower body. Your eyes went wide, seen that he did not have a pair logs like a man. They where instead of a dire horse. His hooves looked strong, as if he could kick the life out of you. Looking over, slightly moving to see more, he had more than just four legs. He had a total of six legs. "What? Never seen a creature like me?" Jake asked, seen the look on your face, you looked like a fish gasping for water. "Not in person no.." you admitted.

This caught Jake's attention. "In person? So you've heard of my kind?" he asked, then he handed you a cut up fruit. It was a huge, it took up all of your hand. You took it from his hand, slightly touching his palms. "Thank you. I mean yeah. I've read myths and legends of the centaur. I just thought they were only myths..." you admitted, the man only chuckled. "Myths? That's a new one." He said, biting a piece of the sliced yovo fruit. "New one?" you asked him, wondering what he meant by that. "People that I've come across, often think that were were breed like this. That a horse and a na'vi had intimacy and that's why we are how we are." He explained. "Hm, I've read much word weirder things. But this takes the whole cake." You commented, making the man laugh. It made you blush a bit, you had made a very handsome horse man laugh.

"Well, It's only proper for me to introduce myself, my name is Jake Sully." He said, you tilted your head a bit. "Jake Sully? That's a very human name." You commented, eating a slice from the fruit, biting the squishy texture from the peal. Jake watched as you ate your fruit, you couldn't help but look at your mouth. Gently sucking on the peal, trying to drink it's nectar. He watched a little droplet of juice running down your chin, his eyes slightly dilated. He liked what he was seen, but he shook his head. "Hurry up and eat your fruit then go sleep. We have a long day tomorrow." He said, finishing his last slide of fruit, before lying on his side, getting comfortable. You only hummed, going back to laying down on the grass, getting comfortable as possible to go back to sleep. You can softly hear him snoring, he was fast asleep. You tried going back to sleep, closing your eyes, only listening to the small fire crackling and his soft snoring.

The next morning, you were woken up by Jake. He said that you needed to get going before the day ended. He was planning on taking you back to the lab. You got up from the ground and up on your feet, stretching your body, hearing few joints pop and your body was sore. From yesterday and because you were laying on the hard ground. You yawned softly, tears welled up in your eyes. You wiped them away, along with any kind of grim on your eyes. "Come on kid, let go." Jake said, as he turned off the fire with some water he carried in a bottle. You nodded. "Alright alright." You yawned again. Going over to him.

You were now walking with the centaur in the woods, side to side. He was quiet the whole time. You'd look up at him every now and then, seen how big he was compared to you. You knew that na'vi and dire horse were big. But not as big as he was. He was almost a giant. You just noticed that you had lost your small bag which held the samples that you needed, you sighed in annoyance, so you nearly got killed by a thanator for nothing. Well, you were helped by a very handsome horse man, you'd do it again just to see him.

The whole walk you'd stumble and fall sometimes, getting slightly hurt. It must be because you weren't very familiar with the woods. Jake could only watch you, struggling. He thought it was funny seen such a tiny human like you, falling. It was obvious that humans like you weren't experts in wondering around the forest. It was like watching a baby take it's first steps. He knew he needed to help you or else you'd be stuck here all day and night, so he had an idea.

"Take off your shoes." Jake said, making you turn to him as you dusted from leaves off your hair. "Hm? What?" you asked him. "Take off your shoes kid, I don't like repeating myself." He said to you. "Okay okay." You said, sitting on the floor, unlacing your shoes off. "Socks too." He said, watching you removing your shoes. You looked up at him confused, but you did anyway. Now you were barefooted. "Now what?" you asked him. You watched how he got down on six of his hooves. "Get on." He said, making your eyes widen by his sudden request. "You want me to get on you?" You asked, confused. "Yeah, if you continue to walk, we'll be stuck in the forest for days, now hop on." He said. You walked over to him, trying to find a way to get on him. He simply watched you, seen what you were doing.

Until finally, you finally got a hold of him, slightly jumping on him. Your right went up first, then you pulled yourself up to him. Now you were sitting on him, you got comfortable. Jake then got back up on his feet. "See, that wasn't hard now was it?" he asked with a little smirk on his face, making your face heat up. He then grabbed your small hands, placing them around his lower waist, so that you could hold onto him. You felt both his soft flat stomach under his belly bottom, touching were his abdomen should be and your arms brushed against his leathers corset like band. Your chest lightly pressed against his strong back. Your breasts softly touching his muscles, your nipples softly going erect in arousal. Once you were holding onto him, he began to walk again.

The whole ride, you couldn't help but feel all sorts of things. You were literally riding a centaur. The same creature that you have been fascinated by for years. Were you dreaming? Did you hit your head or something? You had so many thoughts in your head. You had been quiet the whole ride, and so was he. There wasn't anything you could talk about, you doubted that he wanted to learn about humans or what you did for a living. You laid your head on his back, avoiding his hair, sighing out of boredom. "What's on your mind kid?" he broke the silence. Making you lift your head from his back. "Oh, nothing. Just thinking." You responded, still holding onto him by the waist. He just hummed, walking on the path of dirt, leaving behind his hoof prints.

After a couple more hours of walking, you came to stop, near a river. He got down, allowing you to get off him. "I need to check your wound." He said, going over to the river with you on his side. He got down on legs, sitting down. Gesturing you to get close. Once close, he sat you down on your knees. He began to remove the leaf off your arm, the paste was dried. He reached over to the water, grabbing some on his hand and putting it on the paste, making it wet. Easily removing it. You watched as he worked, your eyes were focused on your wound at first then you turned to look at him, seen him focused on getting the paste off you. Now that the paste was fully gone, your wound showed. Three red huge scratch marks were on your skin. It looked a lot better. It might scar, but it could've been worst.

"It needs to breath." Jake commented, looking back at you in the eyes. Seen how you were staring back at him. You only nodded. "Right, yeah." You responded immediately. Jake slightly chuckled. He then got up from the floor, beginning to take off his chest band and his waist corset. "What are you doing?" you asked him. He placed his things on the floor. "I'm going for a dip, you can join if you want." He said. Once his stuff was off, he walked into the water, you watched how the bottom of his horse body began to disappear into the water, only up his waist showed. He turned around to look at you, still sitting on the dirt. Watching him with your mouth slightly open. He chuckled by the look on your face. He then turned back, going a bit deeper into the water, to get his whole body wet.

You just watched him, going more into the water, seen his blue skin disappearing in the clear water. Looking down at yourself, you saw the dirt on your skin and clothes. Maybe you did need a bath. So you got up from the ground, beginning to take off your brown shorts. Pulling them down to the floor, followed by your panties. Then came your shirt, you pulled it over your head, exposing your soft flesh to the air, your nipples quickly went erect. You touched the water with your foot first, feeling how cold it was, but once you were in the water, it'll feel warm. So you slowly began to walk into the water, covering your chest with your arms as you went further in. The cold water made you squeak, it was slowly consuming you. Finally you were in the water, reaching up to your neck, you shivered under water. "Changed your mind?" Jake asked, looking over at you. He had come out from the deeper end. His torso was on full display, water dripping from his toned blue body.

You only nodded. "Yeah, I figured a should get cleaned up a bit." You said to him, he couldn't help but grin, seen how flushed your face looked. "Alright." He said, turning back to cleaning himself. You only nodded and processed to do the same. You brushed off the dirt attached to your skin, making the water around you slightly brown because of the dirt. Your skin was much cleaner now. You then dipped your head into the water to get your hair and face wet. You didn't have a brush, so your fingers will do. You then began to step out of the water walking towards the river and back into the shore.

Jake had heard the water moving around him, he turned to see what it was. He watched you stepping out of the water, his eyes widen, seen your wet skin glowing in the sun light. As you had your back turned, busy squeezing the access water from your hair, he got a good view of your figure. He had a nice view, he watched how the droplets of water rolling down your back and behind the back of your thighs. He couldn't help but stare at your wide hips and perky ass. He knew that it was real, the way it jiggled and how your thighs were also as big. He also got a view your hip dips. You were like some kind of goddess in his eyes. God, he couldn't keep himself together. He felt his body beginning to heat up in the cold water, he felt his cock twitching under water.

He couldn't help but lick his bottom thin lip. He had wanted you the moment you had sat on him, and rode him him around. He could smell your arousal through your shorts, it was pretty strong. He took this as a sign that you wanted him as well. He wanted you, and he was going to have you.

You both decided to stay near the river for the night. It would take another day to get you back to the lab. You were a couple meters away, back in the forest. Jake had made another fire so that you and him could stay warm. You were still naked, you had washed your clothes, in attempt to get the mud and dirt off. Now it was sitting on a rock drying. At the moment you were eating some fish that were around the river, Jake had caught them easily with his hands. You both ate in silence, Jake had finished his fish while you kept on eating yours. It was bit to big to finish in a moment.

You had finally finished eating the huge thing. You felt a bit full, you saw the small food baby in your belly. You only licked the bones of the fish and your lips, getting any little rest of the fish. You sighed, placing the bones on the leaf used a plate. Then laid down, good thing you weren't wearing your shorts. "I see that you enjoyed it?" He asked you, watching you as you were lied down on the grass. Looking at your naked body, glowing by the light of the fire. Your skin looked very smooth. He looked at how your nipples stood up. He couldn't help but lick his bottom lip again. "Yeah, that was good. How did you learn to cook like that?" you asked him, sitting up, holding your weight on your elbows. Oblivious to the fact you are literally naked in front of the horse man.

"We're taught to survive in the woods, that means, hunting, fishing, cooking and you know." He listed, still looking at your body. Seen how your little blotted belly began to grow small. "Hm, Interesting." You said, laying back down on the soft ground. Eating that big fish had you feeling sleeping. You let out a soft yawn. "You should sleep now." Jake said towards you, who was already yawning and closing your eyes. Already falling asleep. Jake just chuckled, watching you slowly drifting into slumber.

A couple hours had passed, you slowly began to wake up. You hummed, stretching your body on the ground, then you felt your bladder about to explode. You had to use the bathroom. So you got up and went behind him bushes to do your business. A couple minutes after, you went back to the river to clean yourself between your legs. When done, you went back to where you were sleeping in, touching your clothes that hanged on branches, it was still damp. You weren't going to put damp clothes on. So you left them, looking over, you saw how Jake was gone.

You looked around, trying to see if you could find him, but he was nowhere near the small fire. "Jake?" you called out to him, nothing. "Jake!" you slightly shouted this time, still nothing. Looking down on his sleeping spot, you saw the footprints of his hooves, you decided to follow them. As you followed the prints, you could hear something. You stopped and listened closely. It sounded like breathing, harsh breathing and groaning. You listened closely, it sounded like Jake was making those noises.

The closer you got, the louder it got. You could here him cursing under his breath and you could hear some smacking happening. What was he doing? You thought to yourself. The closer you got, the more you heard. Jake let out a moan and a grunt. "Fuck!" he hissed. Was he okay? Was he hurt? You wondered, so you got closer. You moved some leaves away, then that was when you froze on the spot. Your eyes slightly widening, by the sight.

There was Jake. He was bucking his hips against the giant soft looking mushroom. His cock fully out and erect, his veins were pulsing around his shaft. Rubbing against the soft flat top on the giant fungi. He was relieving himself. This is something horses did. They'd either smack their cocks onto their stomachs or rub them on an object. He was clearly masturbating. Maybe it was to release stress? Or just because it was what horses did, but he wasn't just a horse, he was also a man.

Jake groaned, biting his bottom lip hard and his eyes were screwed shut. Sweat was building up on his forehead, droplets rolling down the side of his face to his neck. "Oh god kid!" he groaned, bucking his hips against the soft fungi. He had thought of you as he tried to relieve himself. He couldn't get you out of his head, he really wished that you'd be laying on this fungi allowing him to fuck you. He really wanted you. So bad, it almost hurt. Then he heard some noises, turning around, he saw you. Standing there with your eyes wide, looking at him trying to relieve himself.

"Please... help me.." he whined, still bucking his hips. "I need your help.." He hissed, gripping tightly onto the mushroom. You looked at him. "My help?" you asked, looking down back at his cock, still rubbing against the flat mushroom head. "Yes, please help me.. I need your help." He whined. You weren't sure whether to help him or not, you didn't know how you could help him. "Please, I beg you!" He groaned. You hated seen him in such pain, so you you decided to help him. It was the least you could do since he helped you. Slowly you walked forward. Now you stood in front of him, in a quick motion. He grabbed your small body and placed it on the mushroom.

Now you were laying on the fungi. Just like how he imagined. You laying here, naked underneath him. He got down on his legs, in a siting position. His body was above yours. Caging you with his huge arms around your head. "I've waited for this moment" he growled softly, before you could say anything, his lips crashed into your. His whole mouth, he was kissing you. It was a hard kiss, you felt his teeth and tongue trying devour you. It felt arousing in a way. You threw your arms over his head, trying to also kiss him back, but his kiss was hungry and needy. He really did want this.

When he pulled away, he went down to kiss your neck, gently kissing and licking every bit of skin he could. "Oh fuck!" he growled. Kissing and licking some more. "When we were at the river." He stopped, looking at your breasts, face to face with the soft flesh. "I just wanted to take you on the spot!" he then pushed his face onto your chest, kissing around your plush breasts, he then took one of his nipples into your mouth. Making you moan loudly, his right hand then came, taking your neglected breasts into his huge hand squeezing it as he sucked onto your nipple. "Mm! God this tits! I couldn't stop thinking what it was like to taste them!" you mentioned, pulling away, seen the small bit of spit covered nipple. He continued to admire your breasts, seen that you were breathing for air. Your face was flushed and your mouth was slightly open.

He then lowed down, he was now between your legs. He grabbed them and spread them wide. You couldn't help but whimper a bit, seen that your glistening folds were on full display. "You think I wouldn't notice how you looked at me? I smell you when you sat on me and rode me." He brought up, making you look at him, holding yourself up with your elbows. Seen the hungry look on his eyes, he was busy staring at your pink folds. Without a warning he buried his face between your legs. "Ahh!" you moaned loudly, throwing your back onto the soft fungi. You felt how his tongue licked your entire pussy. He began to suck onto your as his tongue thrusted into you. You brought the back of your hand up to your lip, gently biting it, as a form to hide your moans. He continued to suck and lick as if he had been starving for days. He was hitting every spot, causing you to jolt every now and then.

After a couple minutes, he had pulled away. His lips had your juices stuck to them. You laying on your back, your body shaking like crazy. You were close, but Jake had pulled away just. You felt energy draining from your body. "We're not done yet kid." He said, you saw the grin on his face, you knew that he was being serious. He let your legs go, but kept them spread, then he got up from the ground, moving up. His horse like body was now above you, his cock was as hard as a rock and his tip was leaking precum. Jake positioned his four upper legs right next either side of your small torso. His hind legs were carrying his whole body, but with the help of the flat fungi, he had enough support.

You held onto the upper body, softly digging your fingers onto his skin. Jake took this as a sign and pushed right in slowly. You gasped, digging your nails onto the flesh, feeling his huge tip began to thrust inside your tight hole. "Oh! You're tight!" he commented, holding onto a thick branch as he thrusted into you. Looking down, you saw the massive bulge in your belly. The stretching of your pussy slightly burned, but it felt so good, you were already clenching around him. Jake groaned, feeling your tight squishy walls gripping onto him. After you got slightly adjusted to his size, he slowly began to thrust into you, he didn't want to hurt you, so he went slowly.

Your body was on fire, just like before, he was hitting all your good spots, making your body shiver like crazy. The stretching of your legs also burned a bit, but you weren't focused on that. You were enjoying getting stretched by his massive tip. "You're enjoying this aren't you? I can feel you trying to milk me!" he growled, gripping tightly onto the branch as he continued to thrust into you. "I just want to keep you! For myself!" He moaned at each thrust. "Imagine!" he groaned as he thrusted a bit much faster, going further in. "You! As my little wife!" He growled. "You'll only be mine! And mine alone!" he bit onto his lip hard, he felt himself getting closer.

And so were you, you were close to reaching your climax. His tip was hitting your g-spot. You felt your body getting weaker and weaker by the minute. All that was heard was the sound of skin slapping and your moans of pleasure. Your nails were dogged in his skin and your legs were about to give out. You almost couldn't take it, you were so close to passing out too. "I'm! I'm!" Jake tried to say, but he couldn't, he just keep thrusting as if his life depended on it. He was hammering down your poor pussy. Without a warning, he had bucked his hips one final time and he came deep inside you.

You had let out a scream, as he came so did you. He stayed still, all six legs were shaking. He hadn't pulled out yet, he made sure that you took most of his seed. You were completely filled to the brim. You felt as if you were going to explode. After a few seconds, he slowly pulled away from you, making you whimper. His seed slowly poured out of you. Jake got down from you, he was now facing you down. Seen your sweat covered body and your body shivering like crazy. "How do you feel?" he asked you, wiping the sweat off his forehead. "..G-Good.." you whispered to him, with a small grin on your lips. Jake got down, kissing your lips softly. "That's good" he purred softly against his lips.

You both headed back to your so called little camp. You had gone to take care of business, as much as pain you were in, you still manage to walk over to the river. Jake was back, laying on his side waiting for you to come back. When you were back, you were slightly limping, which made Jake smirk by the sight. You manage to walk over to where was laying. He then pulled you close to him, nuzzling to you close. You wrapped your arms around his neck, cuddling close to him. It didn't take long for the two of you to go to sleep.

The next morning, you were sore like a bitch. Your whole body ached, specially your legs. Jake had to help you up. As much pain you were in, it was worth it. As you got your dried clothes from the branches, Jake put out the small fire. You stopped from putting your panties on, and looked over at him. "Did you mean what you said last night?" you asked. Then Jake turned to you, he had a bit of a shy look on his face. "I mean, yeah. I know I only met you in a day, but, I wish to start a life with you." He confessed, his cheeks turning a purple color. You couldn't help but smile. "I was wishing you'd say that" You said with a smile. You saw that happy look on his face. "Really?" He asked, you nodded. He was happy, you saw how his hoof tapped onto the ground.

You decided not to put on your clothes, you felt as if you weren't going to need them, so you just left them were they were. You walked over to Jake, he then leaned down, so that you could hop onto his horse back. Once on his back, he got up back on his hooves, going on his way back to his village with you as his now wife.

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[sitp-recs]

Hi Liv, do you have any hurt/comfort recs for me ?

Thank you, you’re the best and I love you and your blog.

Thank you, anon! I hope you’re taking care of yourself ❤️ here are some h/c reads for you, I’ve tried to include a little bit of everything so you can find something special to your tastes:

Is This Love? by @phdmama (E, 4k)

Draco wouldn’t call himself a tender man. He fights the forces of evil for a living, trying his best to pay penance for the evil he’s done. He’s fought and killed in the name of duty, and when he’s not on duty, he tends either to play hard or retreat alone. He doesn’t lean on anyone, and he knows he’s not the first person anyone goes to when they need care. Comfort. That all changes tonight.

To know the pain of too much tenderness by @cibeewastaken (E, 6k)

Harry is in love with Draco, and Draco sometimes goes on dates with other people, but it’s not like Harry could be bothered by it when he never told Draco about his feeling, right? Right. So Harry isn’t that bothered by Draco’s dates, what bothers him is when one of those dates knocks Draco up and doesn’t want the baby.

Solve Us Like a Mystery by tryslora (T, 12k)

When Harry stops in at the bookstore where Draco works, they find a surprising shared interest in mysteries. Draco doesn't expect to see Harry again, and he definitely doesn't expect to become the subject of unexpected investigation that may endanger the life of his unborn child, and at the same time, may bring him the kind of happiness he never thought he'd have after the war.

The Body Keeps Score by amorsindolor (E, 13k)

Draco cries during sex. A story about touch, intimacy, and the healing we find through mutual trust and love.

Between Myth and Man by slytherco (E, 16k)

Draco, lost and a little broken, navigates post-war reality convinced that people like him should not be allowed to make their own choices. To solve the problem of his self-sabotaging tendencies, he starts taking a few drops of Veritaserum every morning.

Can’t Fight the Moonlight by sunsetmog (M, 16k)

Or: the one where Harry accidentally gets Draco pregnant, both of them fail to talk about their feelings, and in the end, there's a baby.

Scenes of Surrender by Rasborealis (E, 16k)

Draco just wants to keep his head down and finish his last year at Hogwarts. He's not supposed to let his mask slip, and Harry isn't supposed to care.

Savage by marguerite_26 (E, 18k)

In a post-war world that lives in fear and ignorance of werewolves, Draco Malfoy has taken every step to keep his condition hidden. When the delicate balance of his life shatters in a single moment, it is Harry Potter alone standing in his defence.

Vale Sanare by RurouniHime (M, 23k)

Draco’s world gains a new component just when he thought he’d sorted everything out.

In Your Arms, Rests My World by @l0vegl0wsinthedark (E, 24k)

Harry presses his mouth to Malfoy's forehead; he wants to tell him that he’ll never leave, that he wouldn’t dream of it. “You make me feel safe, Potter” Malfoy whispers. “You keep me safe.”

Stain of Silence by brummell (E, 28k)

After the war, Draco serves out his sentence in Harry Potter's house.

Strange Bedfellows by ravenclawsquill (E, 30k)

When Harry encounters a frail and fidgety Draco Malfoy at the Ministry, he just knows something is wrong and he’s determined to get to the bottom of it.

Holly and Hawthorn, Thistle and Thyme by bryoneybrynn (T, 31k)

After the war, Harry can’t shake the feeling that something is very wrong with him and he has a terrible feeling he knows what that “something” might be. He has a terrible feeling Malfoy might know, too.

(Un)wanted by @aibidil (E, 36k)

Ginny's pregnant, then she's not and Harry's single. Harry, again with no family, doesn't know what to do with this turn of events, or how to find a new life—post-war, post-Ginny, post-abortion—in which he belongs. He doesn't expect that life to include dancing to the Backstreet Boys with Hermione and Draco Malfoy. A story of finding belonging in the unexpected.

Anatomy of a Wolf Heart (orphaned, E, 40k)

Three years ago at the tragic Battle that freed our great Wizarding World from the grip of a megalomaniac Dark Wizard, He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named, our world lost many Witches and Wizards. Among the dead and missing was Draco Malfoy, the only son of notorious Death Eaters Lucius and Narcissa Malfoy, both of whom volunteered their home for He-Who-Must-Not-Be-Named to use as a headquarters.

Meet Me at Midnight by @the-starryknight (T, 57k)

Harry was beginning to wonder if he’d ever make anything again when Malfoy stormed through the door of Harry’s furniture shop. Now Harry’s got an impossible Ministry commission to finish, and even less energy than ever to deal with his elusive muse. That is, until he stumbles upon the surreal and beautiful world of a mysterious fae creature…

Balance, Imperfect by @bixgirl1 (E, 91k)

When Harry sustains an injury in the line of work, he no longer knows how to navigate the life he loved, and finds help and solace from the most unexpected source.

I Am Not Who I Became by mab_di (E, 93k)

Draco left England after the trials and has travelled the world meeting wizards and Muggles from different cultures and with vastly different relationships to magic, each other, and the natural world. Now he's a fisherman in Finland on commercial vessels. Harry has been struggling since the war and has become a recluse while trying to write his autobiography.

Nor All That Glisters by @sweet-s0rr0w (E, 110k)

Lonely and frustrated on house arrest, with no prospects for the future, Draco begins brewing Felix Felicis in an attempt to improve his lot. Just in the short term, of course. He isn’t a total idiot.

Away Childish Things by lettered (T, 154k)

Harry gets de-aged. Malfoy has to help him.

#asks #anon #Drarry reclist #hurt/comfort

[merymoonbeam]

Light and Dark

Cc3 spoilers. You have been warned. 🫡

My obsession with this connection started when I saw @silverlinedeyes post about the six-pointed star in hosab and I added how I thought it resembled the TT scene elriel has.

We have the six pointed star in hosab and ithan-Hypaxia explained it like this.

Ithan angled his head. “A six-pointed star,” he said. Like the one Bryce had made between the Gates this spring, with the seventh candle at its center. “It’s a symbol of balance,” she explained, moving away a foot, but keeping the dagger at her side. Her crown of cloudberries seemed to glow with an inner light. “Two intersecting triangles. Male and female, dark and light, above and below … and the power that lies in the place where they meet.”

And we have the Elriel TT scene.

Elain looked up at Azriel, their eyes meeting, his hand still lingering on the hilt of the blade. I saw the painting in my mind: the lovely fawn, blooming spring vibrant behind her. Standing before Death, shadows and terrors lurking over his shoulder. Light and dark, the space between their bodies a blend of the two. The only bridge of connection … that knife.

So as you can see by the same color highlighted parts. It matches quiet well. But we are gonna focus on the green highlighted part now.

As you can see ithan thinks that it resembled a six-pointed star when bryce made the drop with the Heart Gate.

Hypaxia said, “Look at the Gates.” The quartz Gates across the city began to glow. Red, then orange, then gold, then white. Firstlight erupted from them. Lines of it speared out in every direction. The lights flowed down the ley lines between the Gates, connecting them along the main avenues. It formed a perfect, six-pointed star. The lines of light began to spread. Curving around the city walls. Cutting off the demons now aiming for the lands beyond. Light met light met light met light. Until the city was ringed with it. Until every street was glowing. And Bryce was still making the Drop. It was joy and life and death and pain and song and silence.

The important part is here that it was the Heart Gate. The center of the crescent city. Map:

One of seven in this city, all carved from enormous blocks of quartz hewn from the Laconian Mountains to the north, the Old Square Gate was often called the Heart Gate, thanks to its location in the dead center of Lunathion, with the other six Gates located equidistant from it, each one opening onto a road out of the walled city.

So it is the...heart. you know what is described as heart in acotar? RAMIEL.

Ramiel. The sacred mountain. The heart of not only Illyria, but the entirety of the Night Court.

A little elain quote:

“When I sleep,” she murmured, “I can hear your heart beating through the stone.” She angled her head, as if the city view held some answer. “Can you hear mine?”

And in my wild hunt post I theorized that Ramiel felt like the gates in a way. Because I think sarah took inspo from the Lia Fail stone from myths. It is one of the four treasures of Tuantha De Danaan. I went into more detail in my wild hunt post I link so Im not gonna add everything here again.

So Lia Fail.

The Lia Fáil was thought to be magical: when the rightful High King of Ireland put his feet on it, the stone was said to roar in joy. The stone is also credited with the power to rejuvenate the king and also to endow him with a long reign.

And we know that ramiel stone heals.

“Who healed you?” Nesta pulled back to survey them. “How are you even here?” “The stone,” Emerie explained, features soft with wonder. “It healed every wound on us the moment it brought us out of the Rite. We arrived here, of all places.”“I think it knew where we were needed most,” Gwyn said quietly, and Nesta smiled.

And we know that with firstlight you can heal. Does the ramiel stone consist firstlight and it works in a gate like way? It literally teleported them? How can it do that?

In hosab we have this:

“Your power came from the Gate—with a shit-ton of firstlight mixed in. So your magic—beyond the light, I mean— needs to be powered up. It relies on firstlight, or any other form of energy it can get. You’re literally a Gate: you can take in power and offer it. But it seems the similarity ends there. The Gates can store power indefinitely, while yours clearly peters out after a while.”

So a gate can take power and offer it and it can store indefinitely. If we take the ramiel as a first light storage of daglan with the ramiel stone it is working like a gate would?? Because in hofas the daglan under prison said they hid many things...under mountains as well.

Vesperus backed up a half step, hissing at the gleaming weapon. “We hid pockets of our power throughout the lands, in case the vermin should cause … problems. It seems our wisdom did not fail us.” “There are no such places,” Azriel countered coldly. “Are there not?” Vesperus grinned broadly, showing all of her too-white teeth. “Have you looked beneath every sacred mountain? At their very roots? The magic draws all sorts of creatures. I can sense them even now, slithering about, gnawing on the magic. My magic. They’re as much vermin as the rest of you.”

We have another light and dark scene with important sword and dagger. The dagger that was in the elriel scene—TT and Gwydion.

They are white and dark light—Alpha and Omega.(I have a post about this)

The male drew it, and Bryce flinched.

Flinched, but—“What the fuck?” The knife could have been the twin of the Starsword: black hilted and bladed. It was its twin. The Starsword began to hum within its sheath, glittering white light leaking from where leather met the dark hilt. The dagger— The male dropped the dagger to the plush carpet. All of them retreated as it flared with dark light, as if in answer. Alpha and Omega. “Gwydion,” the dark-haired female whispered, indicating the Starsword.

And whats important is that with her power bryce can unite them to open a portal to nowhere.

Polaris’s eyes widened as Bryce plunged the blades into her chest. And as those blades thrust through skin and bone, the star in Bryce’s own chest flared out to meet them. It collided with the blades, and both sword and knife blazed bright, as if white-hot. The light extended up through Bryce’s hands, her arms, her body, turning her incandescent— Into a star. A sun.

What's important is that as bryce collects Theia's power that was parted into three parts she starts to realize it is taking a touch of darkness...

Bryce rolled her eyes, but for a heartbeat, Hunt wondered if Thanatos was right: Bryce had explained how the prism in the Autumn King’s office had revealed her light to now be laced with darkness, as if it had become the fading light of day, of twilight—

And we go to that scene...

With a prayer to Cthona, she sent twin beams of light arcing around the prisms, shooting straight into them.Twin bursts of that light flared from either prism, gunning for each other. Bands of light falling into darkness, her power stripped to its most elemental, basic form. They shot for each other, and where they met, light and darkness and darkness and light slamming into each other—Bryce stepped into the explosion in the heart of it. Stepped into her power.It lit her up from the inside, lit up her very blood. Her hair drifted above her head, pens and papers and other office detritus flowing upward with it. Such light and darkness—the power lay in the meeting of the two of them. She understood it now, how the darkness shaped the light.

And the purple highlighted part...it is exactly the same as the six pointed star.

Ithan angled his head. “A six-pointed star,” he said. Like the one Bryce had made between the Gates this spring, with the seventh candle at its center. “It’s a symbol of balance,” she explained, moving away a foot, but keeping the dagger at her side. Her crown of cloudberries seemed to glow with an inner light. “Two intersecting triangles. Male and female, dark and light, above and below … and the power that lies in the place where they meet.”

And if we go by the elriel scene...

Elain looked up at Azriel, their eyes meeting, his hand still lingering on the hilt of the blade. I saw the painting in my mind: the lovely fawn, blooming spring vibrant behind her. Standing before Death, shadows and terrors lurking over his shoulder. Light and dark, the space between their bodies a blend of the two. The only bridge of connection … that knife.

Can you see the connection?

Also that elemental part in bryce's scene. we learn about that in acosf.

Cassian forced himself to sit perfectly still as Rhys dragged a hand through his black hair. “Once, the High Fae were more elemental, more given to reading the stars and crafting masterpieces of art and jewelry and weaponry. Their gifts were rawer, more connected to nature, and they could imbue objects with that power.”

And we know how theia and her line can use the TT and Starsword bc she helped them make them.

Theia extended her hands toward the water, the offered blades. And on phantom wings, sword and dagger soared for her. Summoned to her hands.Starlight flared from Theia as she snatched the sword and knife out of the air, the blades glowing with their own starlight. My mother returned that day with only Pelias and my father’s blades. As she had helped Make them, they answered to the call in her blood. To her very power.

So maybe Azriel and Elain have some kind of elemental magic as well?

Also the stone on top of ramiel...sings.

But when he’d touched the onyx monolith, when he’d felt that ancient force sing into his blood in the heartbeat before it had whisked him back to the safety of Devlon’s camp … It had been worth it. To feel that. With a solemn bow of his head toward Ramiel and the living stone atop it, Cassian caught another swift wind and soared southward.(acofas)

TT and Gwydion also sing.

“Let’s go,” Azriel said, and released her hand. Because the sword and dagger weren’t merely tugging now. They were singing, and all she had to do was reach out for them—

What's more interesting is @icedflames made a post about Fragarach and about the connection between gwydion and tt which came true in cc2 as we learned they were connected.

You have to stand on top of Lia Fail stone with Fragarach.

In Irish mythology, Fragarach (or Freagarthach), known as "The Whisperer", "The Answerer", or "The Retaliator", was the sword of Nuada, the first high king. The sword was forged by the gods and was meant to be wielded only by those who posed above the stone of destiny (the Lia Fail) which roared and the sword whispered in response.

So do we need to take Gwydion and TT to Ramiel? To that Stone? We need Elriel to do it bc all of them are "light and dark"? What will happen if they are all there?

Also dont forget about book of breathings prophecy.

Life and death and rebirth

Sun and moon and dark

Rot and bloom and bones

Hello, sweet thing. Hello, lady of night, princess of decay. Hello, fanged beast and trembling fawn. Love me, touch me, sing me.

Also Fionn dipped the Gwydion to Cauldron.

Another shift of memory, and Fionn pulled a long blade from the Cauldron, dripping water. A black blade, whose dark metal absorbed any trace of light around it. Bryce’s knees weakened. The Starsword. Two other figures stood there, veiled in the thick snow, but Bryce hardly got a chance to wonder about them before Silene’s narration began anew.

And Cauldron sits upon Ramiel.

“The Cauldron,” Nesta said hours later, pointing to yet another carving on the wall. It indeed showed a giant cauldron, perched atop what seemed to be a barren mountain peak with three stars above it. Azriel halted, angling his head. “That’s Ramiel.” At Bryce’s questioning look, he explained, “A mountain sacred to the Illyrians.”

So we are going to ramiel with gwydion and tt? 🫡

#elriel #ramiel #gwydion and truth teller #light and dark #cc3 spoilers #I will add more to this if I find anything more usefull but as of now my brain is done and I cant add more to it #hofas

[2024-grimoire-challenge]

January week 5

We're gonna start this week with some broad ideas that are going to make us think. Take a look not only at what you practice and how you practice, but the why behind those things. What are the rules and philosophies that you follow?

Monday - Rules

Introspection/ lab notebook -what are the ground rules you set for yourself in your practice? Put these in your lab notebook, as these may grow and change with your practice through the years. What are the hard nos you have in your life and practice, things you absolutely won’t do spiritually or magically? What are the things you do every time you practice, the “have to” dos? Setting yourself these rules and having them written or even just said out loud can help you understand yourself. Once you have them down, think about the why behind each one.

Journal- think back about what got you into your practice in the beginning. What was it? What is the how and why? What were the reasons you got into witchcraft in the first place.

Tuesday - Morals and Values

Lab notebook - think along the lines of the seven deadly sins and the nine noble virtues. Do you hold stock in any set of moral standpoints or pillars within your craft? What are there? Where did you learn about them? How do you go about navigating them and handling them? A great deal can be learned from understanding oneself.

Study - Pick another herb off your list and study all you can about it! Magical, mundane, medicinal, history, culinary uses, myths and legends, everything you can!

Wednesday - Doing The Work

Lab notebook/ practical- do a spell! Find one or make one and outline it in your lab notebook. What will you use? When and where will you do it? What will you actually do? Why will you do it? How will you do? Once it is outlined, do it! Then take notes on how it went and what needs to change, if anything, to make it better!

Study - Like before, pick a gem and study everything possible about it!

Thursday - Philosophies

Study - what’s one thing in witchcraft you’ve always wanted to learn? Whatever it is make a page for it! Be it scrying or cursing or protection magic or sigils. Whatever it is, study up on it! Add the notes to a notebook or your lab notebook!

Introspection/ Journal - What ideals do you stand for when it comes to your craft? Personally, my practice both spiritual and witchcraft related, pertain almost entirely to balance. What ideas or places do you draw inspiration from?

Introspection/ journal - what are three goals you have to work on in your practice this year? Journal about them now. How will you do it? What steps will you take to achieve these goals?

Friday

Catch up day- use this day to catch up on any work you’ve not gotten done so far this year.

Design- design a new page for your book! Add stickers, colors, pictures, leaves, flowers, cards, anything!! Whatever style your grimoire is, let it show! Be creative!

Ah! Another week down! There’ll be more bonus prompts in the coming weeks. I hope everyone is enjoying the posts and the challenge and again feel free to tag, message or inbox me at any time! I’ll reply as fast as I am able and am enjoying the feedback I’ve gotten so far!

Good luck and happy crafting witches!

-Mod Hazel

#2024 grimoire challenge #grimoire #grimoire challenge #paganism #witchcraft #witchblr #2024 gc #book of shadows #dark academia #occultism #witch #witchy #witch challenge #witchy challenge #witchy prompts #magic #magick #pagan #witchcraft challenge

[projectbluearcadia]

Work-Life Balance

Lucifer x GN!MC

[ Scenario: Not only are you Lucifer's student, but you are also his spouse. Only a select few are privy to the latter information, and both of you intend to keep it that way. Nevertheless... you do want to push his buttons. ]

Wordcount - 1242

The sound of chalk tapping against the chalkboard. The dusky Devildom classroom, lit by dozens of deep blue will ‘o wisps silently buzzing around the room. The feeling of the pen grinding against your writing callus as you hurriedly copied down each complicated symbol, struggling to keep up with the chalk. The smoky, familiar smell that greeted you as the professor made his rounds to check on everyone’s work. 

This is your magic classroom. 

“As you all seem to be comfortable with basic water enchantments, we’ll be moving onto section 2.4 today,” the black-haired male announces after he’s returned to his desk at the front of the lecture hall. The glare of the will ‘o wisps shimmers off his glasses, temporarily dying the lenses blue before you shift your head over another person’s. “Has anyone read ahead of the today’s lecture notes?” I have, because I watched you write them. “No one?” 

“I have, Lord Lu—er, Professor,” someone says timidly, and your professor gives the barest hint of a smile. 

“Then would you care to tell your peers what I’m going to teach for the remainder of today’s class time?” 

“Fire magic fundamentals.” A collective groan, one which the professor quickly puts an end to with a quick look. Although he is surprisingly forgiving, every one of Professor Lucifer’s students knows that he isn’t a man to be trifled with, and not just because he and his family have been personally hired by RAD’s President, Diavolo. 

“If you’re going to groan, I frankly have no idea why you’ve bothered coming to my class,” Lucifer says, taking his time to look over the room. “This is Sorcery 101, Magical Constitution and Control. If you struggle in one area, you struggle with all of them. I do not care if you all are used to the fire affinity. You will learn from the ground up, and you will learn it properly in this class. Understand?”

“Yes, Professor…” is the resounding, chastised mumble that flows through the hall. 

“Now, let us begin by disproving a few common myths about fire magic…” Lucifer begins, and his scrawl quickly covers the board as he draws a perfect inscribed pentagram. “MC, our human student, came to my office hours to ask about this when we covered section 2.1, raw energy, and I believe now would be an appropriate time to answer their question. They asked, ‘can I shoot a fireball if I just tell the energy to do that?’ Who would like to answer that question?” You shrink a little in your seat; of course he mentions that embarrassing conversation that definitely was not during his office hours. 

Lucifer turns and nods at one of the students raising their hand, and they say: “Yeah. Fire is raw energy.” 

“You are both correct and incorrect,” Lucifer replies, and for not the first time, you feel bad for the student, but it was more kind than him normally declaring an answer completely wrong. “Fire can be manipulated from raw energy very easily, but to say that it is raw energy is incorrect. How does fire appear in the human world, MC?” 

“Er, carbon combusts in the presence of oxygen… is the general rule,” you reply. Wait, does whatever the hell happens with the sun or event horizons or lava count? 

“That is one of the ways, yes,” Lucifer replies. Dammit! “Fire requires a fuel source, and similarly, magic activation for fire requires extra energy to combust and change form. In other words, there is a secondary, constant cost to fire magic activation, similar to other magic we have covered. I would say you waste about 1.5 times more energy using fire magic over raw power.” A few of the students shrink in their seats, clearly guilty parties. “Does that answer your question, MC?” 

“...yes,” you reply, feeling a bit sulky, and Lucifer gives you the briefest snarky little smirk. Oh, he would pay for that.

~~~

“MC, I thought we agreed no more using my office hours,” Lucifer sighs as you knock on the open door to his room. It’s a quiet place, complete with a clean blackboard, a well-used box of chalk on its metal ledge and four chairs tucked tight against a long table against the wall. Lucifer’s computer sits open at his desk, facing away from you, but you know well enough he’s grading assignments right now. “You’re using time that other students need.” 

“And?” you ask, closing the door behind you. “I need you more than them, Professor.” Oh, that tone? You’re going with that tone? Here, in Lucifer’s office? 

“MC,” he says warningly, but you’re stalking up to his desk, placing your hands onto the polished wood as you bend your head down to Lucifer’s. “MC… This is not the time…” He doesn’t mean that, not in the slightest; you can hear his sternness slowly being exchanged for tenderness and desire, and you find yourself smiling as you bring one hand up to caress his soft, pale cheek. 

“Can’t you make a little time for your spouse?” you ask, and Lucifer blinks slowly at you, his crimson eyes melting further. He is melting in your hands like chocolate on a warm Halloween. 

“Darling, I love you, but I’m working,” he murmurs, returning your cheek caress. “Can’t you wait for me?”

“No,” you murmur, your lips practically touching his. Stubborn bastard won’t kiss you right now though, no, because that door could open, and then what? Some kind of student-teacher sex scandal? Oh, but the prospect of being caught is so dangerously tempting. You’d be lying if it hadn’t crossed your mind that you could live out fantasies most people couldn’t dream of, if not for Lucifer’s (and your) need for this to be kept a secret. 

“I’ve had a very long day,” he says, his eyes wandering across your face, then down your collar and lower, scanning you as if confirming for himself that you’re standing there. “And you’re pushing me, MC.” Well, that’s the intent, honeybunch. 

“You can take it out on me, Lucifer,” you whisper, “You know I can take it, and what’s the harm anyway?” 

Lucifer’s lips part, and he captures you in a kiss for a moment before you pull away, leaving him confused. 

“MC?”

“Thank you, darling; I’m all refreshed.” You straighten up from his desk. “Oh, did you think I was serious? I was only joking, Luci; we can’t do that here. Who knows what hapless student might bear witness!” You laugh a little at Lucifer’s annoyed face. He can’t argue with you on this either, because he knows damn well that you’re right, even if there weren’t a lot of students brave enough to use his office hours.

“...you’re welcome,” he replies with a slow, irritated sigh. “I should assign you 20 extra problems from the next unit.” 

“Oh yeah?” 

“I think I will,” Lucifer says after a moment, a smile slipping back across his lips. “Due at midnight tonight.” 

“Wait, you’re serious?”

“Perfectly,” he replies, returning back to grading papers. “In fact, let’s make it a test. It’ll be awfully difficult for you to write while your face is pressed against your answer sheet, so I’ll read it out to you, and you’ll need to tell me what the right answer is. If you fail, you’ll certainly need to come to me for some supplementary lessons.” 

Well, shit. That backfired. 

…not like you’re complaining though.

#lowkey want to take that test #grading has never been so spicy #professor lucifer #obey me lucifer #lucifer x reader #obey me shall we date #obey me! #lucifer x mc #shameless self indulgence #fanfiction #obey me #obey me au

[elonomhblog]

the importance of balance in academia

balance is SO IMPORTANT in every aspect of life, but so often students sacrifice it in order to achieve high-level grades. balance is a critical factor that contributes to both personal well-being and academic success. many myths exist that build this lack of balance in the academic world, so let's debunk some of them.

working long hours guarantees advancement who told you this? seriously? the number of hours worked does not necessarily correlate with productivity or career success. quality of work matters more than quantity. you should try to prioritize efficiency and well-being over excessive hours.

life must be compartmentalized separating work and personal life rigidly isn’t always feasible. embrace flexibility. sometimes school/work and life blend, and that’s okay. focus on being present wherever you are.

you can have it all this is a big goal of a lot of people. i hate to break it to you, but you're NEVER going to have it all. balancing everything perfectly is challenging. prioritize what truly matters to you. accept that some trade-offs are necessary.

time management solves everything another lie that's commonly believed. yes, time management helps but IT WILL NOT SOLVE ALL YOUR PROBLEMS. time management alone won’t guarantee balance. it’s about making conscious choices, not just managing the clock.

technology frees up more time/technology wastes time technology can both help and hinder balance. you must learn how to use technology wisely; and not let it consume your life. always disconnect when needed.

academic stress arises when a student’s existing capacity to manage and adapt to academic demands is exceeded. it encompasses mental distress related to expected academic challenges, fear of failure, or even the possibility of academic failure. you can prevent it by learning about your stressors, changing what you can, moderating your emotional reactions and practising physical responses to stress (e.g. mindful breathing). remember, academic stress is normal, but managing it effectively is essential for your overall well-being and success. prioritize self-care, seek help when needed, and find a healthy balance.

one thing that you're going to have to learn in order to become more balanced on your academic journey is to drop perfectionism. you may think that it has helped you get to where you are,, that it motivates you and keeps you going. these are lies. you must find new ways to motivate yourself that are not harmful.

for example, learning how to evolve whilst accepting that you are still growing and that you are just a person will get you to the same places, without the detrimental effects. perfectionists tend to have an all-or-nothing mindset and experience feelings of inadequacy due to toxic comparison. in being a perfectionist, your creativity may dwindle, as well as health implications arising and relationship strain.

if you don't believe me -- take a look at the article here.

but HOW can you manage balance in academia?

prioritize and plan though time management will not save you by itself, it is a great skill and very helpful. create a weekly schedule that allocates time for BOTH academic and personal activities. prioritize essential tasks and set realistic goals to avoid feeling overwhelmed.

set boundaries establish clear boundaries between work and personal life. make time to go out with your school friends outside of schoolwork! you have to be mindful, however, that it impossible to have a perfect divide or balance. we are humans; we are messy; life is messy.

self-care make time for activities that help you relax and recharge, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time with loved ones. prioritize physical and mental health alongside academic commitments.

be flexible recognize that there will be times when your work demands more of your time and attention. adapt to changing circumstances while maintaining a balance.

build a support system i can't stress this enough! having people around you --even if you're writing your stressors on an anonymous blog-- is so vital to academic success. foster personal relationships and build a network of colleagues and friends who understand the challenges of academia. seek advice and support from mentors and peers.

effective communication communicate openly with colleagues, supervisors, and family members about your commitments and limitations. negotiate the workload when necessary. i remember in primary school (sixth grade, to be precise) when my teacher gave me extra homework to 'push me'. it took so much time away from me. as a twelve-year-old, i was able to talk to her and we agreed that i would simply just do the extension homework (instead of double work) so that i would have more time to play. this shit works!

utilize technology leverage technology for efficiency. use tools for time management, collaboration, and communication. if you get too distracted by technology, block the sites. delete the apps. do whatever you have to do to make it a tool. you can always re-download when you're finished. you can always call a friend during the breaks.

i think one of the most significant things to learn, ever, is that all of your actions/strategies are a double edged sword. they can either hurt you or help you. you have to decide which side you use.

achieving balance is an ongoing process, and you have to learn what works best for you--everyone is different. always strive for a healthier equilibrium. i promise you that it will be better for your wellbeing; your soul.

luck on your academic journey.

❤️ joanne

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[emsvertigo]

Nectar Of The Gods

image not mine, found on pinterest

summary & genre — angst, fluff & slight nsfw. as a na’vi you have always been sceptical of trusting sky people and dream-walkers, so there’s no difference when jake suddenly joins your tribe. rumours begin to spread about him, but all you want to know is his true intent. why is he really here, and why is his existence plaguing your every thought?

warnings — canon-typical violence, sexual references, strong language (c’mon it’s jake)

character & pairing — jake sully x fem!na’vi!reader (avatar. 2009)

word count — 3.1k

a/n — hii! this is my first post back on this account since i finally got inspiration back after 2/3 years!! sorry if you’ve come from the lord of the rings fandom and followed me when that was my normal thing to post, i appreciate you but i have moved on to different fandoms <3 anyway i got into avatar pretty recently with the release of the new film and MY GOD is jake sully fit, anyway, this is such an self insert cause i’m in love with him (aren’t we all). thank you to @nptnewr who has been a legend by inspiring me to write again (and getting me into avatar) ilysm!

find my old fics here! ✿

takes place during avatar. 2009, no way of water spoilers!

The whispers had started quickly. Through leaves and into the trees, casting a mist of rumour around the air, sticking damply to conversation. The sky person disguised in an ally’s body had arrived in the village suddenly, presenting no warning to the tribe of his coming or when his departure would be imminent. The gossiping tales of his true intentions were only fiction, planted like seeds to keep curiosity blossoming into a thick vine of chaotic lies. Some whispers spoke of his swift acceptance of the native way of life, and how his sacrifices presented him as a trustworthy friend, rather than an enemy to be slaughtered. Some spoke kindly of Eywa’s presence in his life and followed the deity’s instructions of selectively choosing this certain being. However, there were still some who spoke of darkness and the oncoming storm that would follow his path, destroying life in his wake. His footsteps covered with the blood of families after luring them to their doom, enchanting them with hope.

The blade in your hand trembled as you cut through bone, sharpening the ends of your arrows in haste. A pile of thin items grew swiftly beside you, accompanied by your bow. Your fingers were crying from holding the knife with extreme pressure, but your thoughts only grew, circling with stories and myths about this man, this alien, as your fingertips turned pale. With every movement of your arm, a grunt emerged from your clenched teeth. Snarling at the thought of the dream-walker amongst you, living as though his life was connected to the planet as yours was. He had won the heart of many, yet it was still strange that he distanced himself and became clueless when talking about pressing matters, hoping to come to peace with his kind and your tribe, pretending to warn you about dangers to come. Trespassers and strangers should be insulted and killed for their embarrassingly horrific behaviour.

The knife clattered to the branch beneath you, breaking the mould of concentration that covered your mind. You looked down at the discarded tool, useless and lifeless in shape after overwork. You hissed, grabbing the blade and throwing it far into the night, along with the arrow you had been working on. The air nipped your face as you sat at the edge of a tree branch, separated from home. Your pile of arrows accompanied you, balancing in the grooves of the bark.

Below your swinging feet, you spotted the ground glowing with footsteps, a dark figure stalking its way through the undergrowth. The footsteps of the being were quiet, yet the patter of bare feet was loud in your twitching ears. His name slowly fell from your lips, like a drop of poison. The curl of your lips grimaced as the syllables left your tongue. He was an insider for the sky people, and could not be left to fester within your home.

You quickly stood, grabbing your bow and arrows, and balancing your feet against the edge of the wood. At this height, you concluded that it was the creature you were looking for, as his movements around the forest were hasty and unfamiliar. Placing your arrows into their quiver, situated on your back, you jumped gracefully down onto the floor. The luminescent green colour of the leaves immediately grew as your skin connected with the plants.

Keeping the figure in your eyesight, you dropped to your hands and feet, keeping low to avoid detection. Your feet patted gently against the forest floor, as your hands quickly moved any bushes obstructing your view. You saw his figure turn into a small dip in the ground, an area covered by glistening trees, blue. Now you stood, your pace quickening with the advantage of being placed on your feet.

When you reached the secluded area, you brushed the drooping leaves aside, stepping into the glowing space. His back was turned to you, standing straight and strong. You quietly released an arrow and placed it into your bow, drawing the string far back, and aiming it directly at his head. You took a small step forward, the ground crunching beneath your feet. His ears twitched with the sound, immediately he started to turn around.

“Jake-Sully” You spoke, your grip tightening around the bow, hand beginning to cramp. He let out a small sound of surprise. “You are trespassing on our land.”

His eyes flashed with humour, “Easy girl.” He laughed, his hands raising to either side of his face. You pulled the bowstring back further in retaliation.

“Do not insult me.” You took a step forward. His face was soft in the cool glow and his features seemed boyish in close proximity. Innocence radiated across his form, but you knew better than to trust this version of him. “You know what you have done.”

Jake’s head tilted, questioning your motives with a flash of his eyes and raise of eyebrows. “I’ve been nothing but good to your people.” He stated. “I know you may not trust me for who I am, but I know I’ve tried my best to appreciate and learn your way of life.”

You rolled your eyes and groaned loudly in annoyance. Your arrow stayed aimed at his head. “Eywa chose you, why?”

He smirked in response, lowering his arms. A gesture that made your skin crawl and you moved your bow, indicating that he should keep them up. He obeyed.

“I’ve been asking myself the same damn question.”

“You are ignorant, stupid and do not care for our world.” You snarled, “You are working for your kind, you don’t want to protect us.”

He sighed, his tail swishing in annoyance. His nose creased, “Now who’s insulting who?” He muttered.

Your arrow tightened in your grasp, the pain between your fingers becoming overbearingly sore. In a flash, you turned your bow to face its attention directly next to his ear and released. The arrow pierced the air in a motion blur which spiralled out of the space beyond the trees, after nipping Jake on the tip of his ear. His hands suddenly dropped from the air, reaching up to cup his face in surprise. Your ears moved at the sound of his pathetic cries, and your tail swung angrily.

“You are no warrior.” You stated, arm lowering the empty bow to your side. You scoffed as you looked at his terrified face, his eyes wide and pupils dilated.

“What the fuck do you think you’re doing?!” He yelled, spit flying across the space that separated your bodies. “You could’ve killed me!”

“But I didn’t.” You frowned, mocking his childish expression.

“You are unbelievable.” He mumbled, stepping forward, an indication that he was leaving. Yet, your hand, dropping the bow, reached out to place a palm on his chest, stopping his motions.

“Why are you really here, Jake?” Venom was still evident in your tone, yet with his proximity, your voice lowered. His eyes flickered, as he stared down at you, and your hand flat on his body. “And don’t tell me your story of hope and justice.”

Jake’s chest rose and fell under the weight of your hand, his heartbeat quickening. “If you don’t want to hear it, I can’t tell you.”

Your feet stepped closer to him, your faces almost touching with breath intertwining in the warm air. Your body almost accompanied your hand, flushed against his humid skin, his sweat and scent. “I know you are not here for peace.” You pause, “You are here for war.”

“I promise you, I’m not.” He mumbled, his breath spilling onto your face. Your eyes, connected in a weary trance, narrowed. You stepped away, hand falling back to your side. A breath he was holding in fell from his lips in quick exhaustive sounds. Your eyes fell to the floor.

“Lying betrays trust.” You stated, looking back into his eyes now, his eyelids heavy. “Not that I trust you, but others do.”

He sighed, his eyes closing for a brief moment, taking in the words you had spoken to him. In the silence, you could faintly hear the noises of the tribe far behind you two, and the growing sounds of the forest. Jake brought a hand up to scratch his forehead in defeat.

“Y’know, I’ve changed over time, right?” He asked, staring directly into your eyes, apology dripping off his tongue. “I’d never do anything to hurt you.”

“Be out with it!” You cried, flinging our hands out towards him and pushing him backwards, however, his strength kept him firmly in place. Your hands rested on his chest in tight fists.

“I was recruited to gain your trust and lure you out of your home so that the humans could obtain some materials.” He breathed, looking straight ahead now.

You understood plainly what the statement meant, and all the nasty details it entailed. It would cause the collapse of the tribe's home, and all your memories would vanish when the tree fell. Your eyes pricked with angry tears, desperately trying to blink them away. You knew this would be the case. That Jake was not a friend, he was not worthy of anyone’s trust. Your head lulled forward, connecting with his chest, seeking comfort and not caring who you were connected to. Your fist bashed against his skin, yet he did not yell when your cries came.

“You liar!” You yelled, your vocal cords straining with the anger in your voice. “We trusted you!”

Your heart burned, creating a large searing hole in your chest. Agony filled your senses. Pain. Betrayal. Lies. Your tail swatted the air, as your fist pounded his chest. Tears were streaming down your cheeks in harsh floods.

Slowly you felt strong arms around you, pulling your body further into him. Your forehead disconnected from his chest, and you stared up at him, eyes widened. His calloused hands rested themselves on either side of your thighs, cupping your flesh close to him.

“But you wanna know why I didn’t?” He breathed, close to your face. His essence empowered your body and captivated your mind. However, you always found he was captivating your mind.

Long sleepless nights were crowded with the thoughts of him, why he was here and what he wanted. Yet often your mind wandered to what he did do here, and what the positive aspects of his arrival had been. Some nights you had been overcome with emotions of jealousy and hate towards the women whom he spoke to in the village. Yet you reassured yourself that this was felt due to the unwanted circumstances of his arrival. You reassured yourself it was due to his dream-walker persona that you felt the way you did. But now, with his hands wrapped around your body, so close that his breath was yours. You knew why your hatred grew so strong. Why you had a feeling it was against your honour to speak to him, let alone be in the same room with him. Many had shared their hatred and doubts, but none had been as obsessed as you had.

His eyes stared softly down at you. The same eyes that only moments before had widened with fright and annoyance. Eyes that clouded your dreams in soft fog which lifted into a pink sea of foam. The eyes you had caught glances of while he laughed, smiled, cheered. Your ears twitched in recognition of his low voice, rumbling into your ears. “Because I fell in love.”

Your eyes widened in surprise as the puzzle pieces slowly started to mould together, bonding into newfound information. The reason you became hot and flustered around even the slight mention of his name was not due to hatred. Those hot flushes in the night due to his appearance in your mind were due to the same thing. Love. His words suddenly made the tears jerking your eyes spill again, drowning your cheeks in clear liquid.

“I’m sorry I probably shouldn’t have said anything.” He whispered, one of his hands reaching up to cup your cheek and wipe the tears away. In retaliation, your hand began reaching up from your side, raised to meet his grasp and interlink your fingers together, closely. Your hands meet in front of your faces.

“Jake…” You breathed, standing up straight and touching your forehead with his. Your new realisation was difficult to express in the form of words, your brain was still wracked with this new information it had been presented with.

He slowly lowered your hands to the side, and spoke your name, close and low. The sound of your syllables falling off his tongue sent a shiver down your spine, and the back of your neck grew hotter as his hand on your waist pulled you increasingly closer. “I chose you long ago.” He purred, “I just wonder if you’ll choose me.”

His head slowly lowered, in a gesture that made the hairs on your arms stand on end, and a sudden hotness plunge straight to your core. Your eyelashes fluttered as you breathed, “I will always choose you, Jake.”

“Well, then..” He trailed off, his face inches from yours now. “Can I kiss you?”

Your head nodded before your brain could keep up, and in a swift moment, his lips had joined with yours. A gasp tried desperately to escape your lips, but he swallowed it, claiming every breath of yours to be one of his. Your eyes slowly closed, when you submitted to the unfamiliar feeling. His lips moved slowly against yours in seductively intricate movements, like two strangers dancing in the night.

His hand removed itself from your waist and travelled up the side of your naked body, stopping to trace over bumps and scars imprinted on your flesh. His hand soon found its place at the base of your jaw, cupping the shape. His fingers slowly tickled the side of your face as his lips worked their way around yours.

A low sound escaped from his throat, growling as you opened your mouth for his tongue to dive into. Plunging into the abyss that was your hot mouth. Your response was a quiet moan, startled by his new courage, as your tongue licked a stripe up one of his front teeth.

Jake's hand suddenly came to rest on your chin and pulled it away from him as he caught his breath. His chest rising and falling from the action that had just taken place, you noticed how his pupils dilated and grew lustful when soaking in your image. Your breath was raging its way through your lungs and up through your throat in shallow gasps.

“I have dreamed of that moment.” You spoke through breaths. It felt strange to admit it aloud but his face was in every thought you had, even if it had taken you this long to believe it. Your chest fell in one final long breath, which caused the beads on your necklace to clink against each other, breaking the silence that had fallen between the two of you.

Jake’s eyes had not left you since the kiss broke, but his demeanour was uncharacteristically quiet. His hand had broken the bond with your own and had started roaming your jaw to accompany the other one, yet now he gazed down at you. Not wanting to ruin the moment with a quick movement or a train of thought.

Your hair had become unravelled and had now fallen in front of your eyes, in small ringlets, loose from their original braids. However, neither of you could find the courage to move and fix them back into place behind your ears. Your heartbeat was pounding, your mind wishing that Jake would speak.

“You are beauty.” He finally stated, his hand running down your neck and onto the top of your chest. You felt your cheeks heat up from the compliment, but did not want to look away from his cautious gaze. “I truly believe that.”

You smiled and swore you heard him curse beneath his breath when you did so. Your hands grazed at the front of his chest, as his arms circled your neck. “If you were not from a distant star, I would have thought Eywa had created you for me.” You giggled, “Even if you are stupid, you are also selfless.”

At this, Jake laughed, a sound that echoed through your ear and made your eyes flutter closed. “I guess that combination works.”

You began laughing at this comment and brought yourself forward to kiss him once again. His smile was evident on his lips as your bodies collided once more, your front flushed against his own. The gentle movement of lips which were once hasty began to invade your brain. Short laughs played out underneath the weight of lips, and smiles stopped the kiss from becoming just as intimate as the last.

You broke free of his lips and planted a soft kiss on the corner of his mouth, leaving yourself to linger there for a few moments longer, breathing in his scent. His smile curled when your lips retreated and your feet landed steadily back on the ground, tail swishing mindlessly in happiness. The root of your problems towards Jake was so obvious now, and your raging want for him had so pointlessly turned into disgust.

“Shit.” He smiled, “It was only a couple minutes ago you wanted me dead.”

Your head dropped low, and your eyes focused on the bow laying discarded at your feet. The ground illuminated the placement of the bow, as you recalled the events before Jake had distracted you with his surprising confession. “I don’t know if I should forgive you for what you said before.”

His head now lowered, joining your gaze towards your feet and the weapon situated there. He sighed into your ear, regretting what he had agreed to do, “I understand.” He paused, thinking of what to say next, “You don’t have to forgive me.”

Your head lifted towards his face again, your eyes meeting his as his pupils dilated. “I understand, Jake.” You spoke, “I wish your honesty was not forced by my threats, but I know what it’s like to not want to see the truth.”

Your foreheads met once more, “Please accept my apology, I did not understand my emotions.” You breathed, cupping your hand in his, circling the back of his rough hand with your thumb.

He chuckled, “I should be sayin’ sorry to you for all the shit I’ve put the Omatikaya through.” Your eyes narrowed with his mocking tone, which he quickly discarded. “Which I am, I apologise for everything.”

He gave a quick squeeze to your hand, reaching up and kissing your forehead. Your eyes fluttered shut when you felt his breath against your skin, hand tangled in your grasp. Soon his body returned to its natural stature and your eyes opened.

“I see you.” He spoke, once his eyes were level with yours once more.

“I see you, Jake.” You whispered, bringing your interlinked hands up to your mouth, longingly kissing Jake's knuckles in one long motion.

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