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#would just be repeating my own romanticised and unrealistic dialogue at myself!!!!!! AGHHHGHAGHHHHH AAHHHHHHH HELPPP
doebt · 3 years
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and then i take the benadryl to go to bed and then im like well i should do this thing anfd get this over with while the brain fog clouds my better judgement but then im like too tired to even be bothered with it
#i tried soo hard to make this post comprehensible -_-#i really really wish to god so bad i could like get help for this#ive never had help with it#ive barely barely barely had even my closest friends even acknowledge it..its just uncomfortable i guess#i mean i know it is lol like it is. for sure...and im not gonna ask anyone for that anyway. like i need therapy or something#i think its beyond therapy though like ik how it works and ik its up to me to stop#but honestly i dont rly want to stop. i just wish i had never started#ive spent almost 9 yrs justifying it to myself...i cant undo all of that#i really do feel like i wont stop until i die like its just so deeply a part of who i am#and the way ppl in my life have treated me in terms of this specifically has been...abusive at worst and dismissive at best#and its no ones job to care so im not like blaming it on that but it doesnt help#it wouldnt matter if anyone told me to stop though. i just get so mad...like dont tell me what to do#i think maybe if someone would just say something like...aghh idont know#instead of the guilt trippy manipulative 'stop bc it hurts me too' or the cold 'stop bc its unhealthy'#i wish it was like...you dont have to stop and maybe it really doesnt matter that much after all#but i wish you would bc i love you#like something like that#but really that just sounds unhealthy and enabling and it wouldnt count now since i typed it out so whoever said it#would just be repeating my own romanticised and unrealistic dialogue at myself!!!!!! AGHHHGHAGHHHHH AAHHHHHHH HELPPP
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