#wow i really do not get to experience kindness or empathy from anyone in my life huh

[runawaymun]

I’m going to make a tumblr post just to get this out of my system because I’m going fucking feral over One. Someday I’ll write a fic but hopefully this staves off the energy I’m currently vibrating with. This is going to be extremely unhinged & disorganized. 

MAJOR Stranger Things 4 spoilers on this post for anyone who hasn’t seen it yet. 

LOOK. I loved S4 part1. Loved it. Adored every second. The themes. The vibes. Joyce + Hopp. Hnggg.

I’m so mad at how they handled the One = Vecna = Creel situation. It’s just....it’s bad. It’s bad for so many reasons. Narratively it’s bad. Narratively it’s lazy. I really expected more out of the Duffer Brothers. Holy shit. It’s bad.

Chief problems: 

The timeline is too wonky. I checked the wiki and supposedly the dates the Duffer Brothers gave add up, but if you take the show at face value without looking up the actual dates, then One is way too young for his supervillain backstory to have happened when he was a child post WW2. He’s like...max 30 years old. 

Holy god the ableism. HOLY GOD THE ABLEISM. I really trusted the Duffer Brothers, of all people, to deal with mental health appropriately. They have such a good track record. But no, creepy bad kid is bad for no reason. Likes spiders. Turns into a psychotic killer and murders his family in horrific ways and tortures animals for fun. For why? They kind of maybe tried to set it up as a combo of trauma and connecting with the Upside Down, but they didn’t spend any time on it and so it just ends up looking like ‘wow creepy kid is bad for no reason. look he’s still bad and creepy’.

I’m just very disappointed in “creepy child bad”. It’s a lazy, tired trope. They aluded to his parents being horrible people but didn’t show us any of that trauma and made it seem more like One was on a moral high ground vengeance arc, but also batshit insane...at twelve years old? Kids don’t do that. That’s trauma. 

He needed a therapist. Not an exorcism. 

So...if Papa just kind of, what, cloned One to make all the others (or whatever crazy experiment he did?)...how did One get his powers? And what were all the other experiments with giving pregnant women drugs for? I know we’re not through with the season, but this feels a little worldbreaking. It feels like they’re trying to connect too many things and be clever without really thinking their plots and characters through. 

Look there’s more here that I’m too incoherent to type out.

Again. Creepy child bad. For why.  

What I wanted out of One’s character: 

I love One as an antagonist. I adore him. Jaime Campbell Bower’s performance? Holy fucking shit it was chilling. The whole way through I kept going ‘god I want to like you but I can’t trust you. Why don’t I trust you?’ 

I wanted One to be the first experiment baby. I wanted him to be the first experiment baby. I wanted One = Vecna, but NOT One = Creel = Vecna. Why? Because it makes his later decisions make sense. 

If One is the first experiment baby, then imagine the attachment issues! The isolation! The abuse! The horror this child grew up in, being raised in a lab with no other “siblings” the way El had. He’s considerably older than all of the others. Old enough that his only human contact would have been the doctors and orderlies and Papa. True, actual, literal fucking hell. 

Then One becomes uncontrollable. He “breaks” from the trauma and the isolation and the experimentation. The utter dehumanization. He becomes dangerous because that’s what happens when you fuck up people’s attachments and empathy in early childhood. Papa doesn’t want to kill him because he almost works. So he wants him as a failsafe or a template, idk. So he puts the chip in to try and stabilize him. It works. Kind of. He needed therapy and love, but what he got was a microchip.

And then he’s trapped there. He can’t. Fucking. Leave.

And he watches Papa do it again, and again, and again. 

Watches Papa abuse kids he sees as his siblings. As tortured prisoners just like him.

And he can’t get away from it.

So then it makes sense. 

He finds a way to get the chip out of his body, and all he sees is a broken system. He doesn’t know anything about the outside world. He thinks this is all there is. Just this fucked up little biome with fucked up people. He’s too fucked up to survive it. These other kids are too fucked up too. So he puts them out of their misery one by one. It’s a mercy killing. It’s a fucked up way of killing kids but that’s all he has: his psionic powers. But death is death and at this point death is a mercy compared to this awful white-walled purgatory with Papa.

So he kills them. And kills all the orderlies and doctors and patients. Brings down the whole goddamned system. 

And then I don’t know how exactly to get from point A to point B here, but I don’t mind El yeeting him into the upside down. Sure have a disagreement or something. Let the boy go full ham crazy. Let him become that antagonist.

And then YEET him into the upside down and let the Mind Flayer absorb him, creating Vecna.

So Vecna is kind of One but not really. One is a tragedy. A product of trauma. He didn’t get saved the way El did. So the upside down absorbed him and used him to create gates.

It’s poetic, see.

He went from one prison to the next.

And then just throw out the whole Creel = One. One is a product of Creel. Have Creel be a semi psionic-sensitive kid that had contact with the Upside Down and then got possessed by the Mind Flayer, went nuts, and murdered his family. Papa finds him and then runs experiments on Creel to create the rest. So Creel isn’t actually One, just sort of...idk he’s the catalyst. He was a little bit sensitive and a little bit touched, and then Papa’s wack-ass experiments amplified it by 10000000x when he distilled it into One. 

It’s just...narratively so much better. We’ve spent this whole season dealing with PTSD and using Monsters as metaphors for PTSD and trauma. It makes no fucking sense for the monster supervillain to just be a Creepy Kid(tm) (read: ableist trope).

GOD. okay.

#stranger things #stranger things 4 #stranger things spoilers #stranger things one #henry creel #vecna #cw ableism

[alazyparallelworld]

my emotions have kind of, exploded recently. they’ve hit the metamorphic, top, the peak, the ceiling. etc. thruout the past week alone it’s been - or, i’ve been, a tantrum-y, volatile mess. 

i don’t think i’ve had the... capacity, to go, “i think we need sleep apart, tonight,” ever. in the course of our entire relationship. for the greater good, yeah, and we talked abt it the morning after and it was like... Yeah OK that was, the right call, to make. BPD rage is not fun to experience, for either party... and it was a constructive talk, bettered our relationship and all.  

really the extremeness, of it all, is annoying. exhausting. it can’t be described easily, err, like... “it’s a firework, short but intense,” because - not always! intense and long! or long and mild, but SO SO VERY LONG... etc. and it’s unreliable. some days i can handle a mountainous weight of troubles and groan little. whereas the day before or its tomorrow - total nuclear meltdown from something trivial. minor, to the point it can’t be given example. 

i’m justtt.t...tt... (rubs at face) Tired. of this. he is Patient (the most, saintlike, etc, yada yada cooing) and coddles me and comforts regardless. but i feel .. bad... despite knowing that i can’t. help, it. and the episodes themselves aren’t as frequent NOR as severe. which doesn’t feel true, but it is, we both know this.

smth smth... Wish i was normal, for his sake. really. (dry laugh) fuck off everyone else, you can deal with my neurosis, whatever. BUT MY BOY SHOULDN’T... LET ME BE NEUROTYPICAL AND TRAUMA-FREE, IF JUST FOR HIM.

@@;; He is special and oh boy. is that unfortunate. my brain has conjured up one whole empathy for him. i remember the feeling, of the first time, of... “i’ve hurt him and i feel... bad...” awful, stomach-twisting, akin to a hot knife’s stab. and when i later relayed this agony to him, he was just. yeah, you. uh. you care about me, to the point of... you’ve empathetic

and it’s just

(me grabbing at my heart, trying to pull the emotional valve out) AUGH!! BUT I DON’T!!! WANT TO!!!!!!!! EMPATHY IS STUPID!!!!!!!! but i just wallow in remorse. head-first in my watery sobs and pooling blood, lol.

cut to him at the side, all blushy. o-oh wow, i really am special... he ONLY feels empathy for ME... i made him feel regret... u///u 

prior to our relationship i detested. complications or arguments due to their... longevity and strain. very few reward for an overwrought and annoying affair.

while that’s... still true, in some regard, ofc. now it’s flavored with, “if i hurt him, i’ll be hurting myself :(. i’ll feel bad, remorseful, and guilty” and the. well. ASPD part of my brain screams “NO! NO!!!!!!!!!!!!” thrashing and screaming. i am a void incapable of ‘affection’ beyond material, self-interested gain, i do not have an ingrained morality - YOU CAN’T MAKE ME, FEEL. FOR OTHERS, TO THE EXTEND THAT I FEEL WHAT THEY FEEL. PAIN, PLEASURE... i cannot ‘relate’ to anyone! if i make someone cry, i’m not gonna feel bad!!!!!!!!!!! fuck you!!!!!!!

alas. ice queen defrosted. i..... care... and thus being a webbed experience of. Near Daily pain, with a background of near 2 decades’ of nonstop trauma... which has culminated in, an underdeveloped adult with the mentality & emotional regulation of a child. and better we acknowledge the borderline and psychotic spice, too

i feel. BAD. for him, because of him, for me, because of me. fuck this (tries, yet again, to carve heart out. unsuccessfully)

the explanation of it, the culprit being, “winter,” SOUNDS - awful! usually i don’t get into these terrible dips until mid-late nov, it’s barely autumn, the temperature hasn’t even dipped yet... but even if by some shred it makes sense. longer nights and fluxing cold. i fear the actual wintry time, if this is the precursor.  

nov-march (or, ah, even april, in fairness) months have always been the. Always the Testy Months. make or break. this particular year we are hoping he is coming to visit, but it’s still a tentative thing, and it’s give or take a week, a four week drop-in. it’s exciting and nervewracking, the... face-to-face, sleeping in the same bed, TRAPPED WITHIN MY SHITTY STUDIO... altho like we’ve had, numerous convos abt this. discussed the possibility. “if we’re not compatible, in the flesh - you are still the most important person in my life” etc. so...  

#i ramble ★ #nothing negative rlly

[itsclydebitches]

Rewatching RWBY there's this chilling lack of empathy through the volumes that I used to just wave off. Yang has no empathy for Tai, Blake is just entirely about what Blake needs, Weiss almost kills a woman at a party and her takeaway is 'my dad is mean so I'm going to run away'. Qrow sinks hard into depression in vol. 6 and Ruby's reaction is to yell she's never needed him. No one has EVER helped a civilian. It's so prevelant. Knowing how 7&8 go really changes the earlier writing.

I think there was a great deal of well-written empathy in the early volumes — after all, this cast was designed as the kind, well-meaning heroes — but that care was expressed almost solely within the group itself. Ruby sits by Jaune in the hallway and says "Nope!" to his self doubt. Weiss offers Ruby a hand up after she fails to kill the death stalker. Yang seeks out Blake and gets her to open up about what's bothering her. Now, I want to emphasize that there's nothing inherently wrong with this. It actually makes perfect sense. These are our main characters and they're written as peers co-habiting the same space. Of course whatever emotional growth we get, which automatically includes moments of compassion, would be directed towards each other. Similarly, the dynamics originally introduced — that of teachers and parents — likewise (rightly) puts the burden on the adults to provide the comfort, not the other way around. Port snaps Weiss out of her arrogant mindset. Ozpin reassures Ruby about her leadership worries. Tai is there to support his daughter when she's recovering from a lost limb. That's the natural order of things, so to speak.

The problem, to my mind, begins to occur when the group exits those dynamics. They're no longer students, they're licensed huntsmen. They're no longer kids, but equals who never needed adults in the first place. They're no longer doing things for themselves and their friends on personal downtime, they're doing them for the community at large as a profession (to say nothing of the world-altering war they've insisted on shouldering responsibility for). That's what a huntsmen is meant to be, a defender of the people, not someone who uses that power for personal interests alone. All of this is a huge change from where we started out: cutesy kids going off on comparatively low-stakes adventures because one or more of their teammates are invested, only just beginning to realize that they're signing up for a job where their desires come second (that fireside conversation at Mountain Glenn).

This change invites — demands, really — that the audience read them differently too. Qrow's spiral in Volume 6 is a good example of this. If Ruby is demanding to be treated not just as an equal in terms of maturity and experience, but also as the primary leader of this group, then the viewer expects her to treat her uncle as an equal too, not dismiss his hardship. I've seen numerous fans defend that arc with some version of, "He's her uncle. He's supposed to take care of her. He's failing" but that, according to the show, is no longer the dynamic. Qrow is now just a member of Ruby's team, someone she's responsible for as their leader. It's easiest to see the problem if we switch out Qrow for any of the other members. If Blake developed a drinking problem, do we think Ruby would just shout at her until she magically got over it? If Jaune endangered the group, do we think they'd all be angry about it, rather than trying to figure out the source of what caused the mistake? We don't even need to think hypothetically for that one because we saw it on screen. Jaune attacked Oscar and drove him off, not just threatening him, but arguably endangering the whole team by requiring a search party. Fans have long insisted they had to steal that airship right then because being in Argus was too much of a risk, but if we buy that reading (which I personally don't, but), then that means Jaune made things exponentially worse by forcing them out into that super dangerous city, rather than allowing everyone to stay hidden inside. He made a massive mistake which, according to the logic of Qrow's arc, should be met with frustration, disdain, and eventual demands to get over his anger at Ozpin or ship out. But, of course, he received nothing but concern. Yang was worried about him, not Oscar. The search becomes about his grief for Pyrrha and his team's willingness (as well as Pyrrha's family member) to provide more comfort. Suddenly, the tendency to express care solely towards those within the group becomes a flaw the story won't acknowledge.

And then it spirals. The thing to remember is that no single act here is bad on its own, especially when we consider that yes, we want flawed characters. Rather, it's about the pattern. Ruby is allowed to get mad at Qrow for his behavior and chuck her scroll in frustration. She's human. I'd be crazy frustrated too. However, if Ruby is meant to be written as a caring, sympathetic character, she should not only respond to the situation with frustration, yelling, a refusal to listen, and demands that he follow her lead, no questions asked. We can, and should, acknowledge that Weiss was the victim during that party. Her father was hurting her, the woman was beyond insensitive, Weiss was triggered in regards to a horrific event, and her power acted on its own. However, if we want to write Weiss as a compassionate, mature huntress to-be, she should acknowledge that she nearly killed someone — even an asshole someone — and vow to work on her control because she's not willing to put someone in danger like that ever again. Both of these moments have a "They could have been handled better" response attached to them — the former more-so than the latter imo — but these moments are made far, far worse due to later events in the show, events where the characters are cruel without any justification attached. Weiss didn't mean to attack that woman, but she did mean to ignore Whitely and threaten him with her weapon. So once we see that, it informs our understanding of what came before it. "Oh. The fact that Weiss never reacted to nearly killing someone isn't just a bit of missed potential, it's an early indicator that she... doesn't seem to care. If she endangers people, threatens people... that's fine with her." The group has a right to be frustrated with Qrow. The group did not have the right to magically steal Ozpin's entire life story, assault him, and blame him for the world's problems until he felt his only course of action was to run from them. So when we see that it becomes, "Oh. The fact that the group treated Qrow so poorly isn't just a one-time mistake born of a stressful situation and young adults being out of their depth in regards to alcoholism. They really will just abandon anyone the moment they start making mistakes." Anyone outside of their group, that is.

To say nothing of how all of these moments interconnect. Yang's recovery isn't just about getting used to not having an arm, it's about getting used to having a new one. Weiss' party isn't just about nearly killing someone, it's about not committing manslaughter because someone else stepped in. The Volume 6 arc isn't just about trying to escape with the Relic, it's about trying to get it somewhere safe. Fans frustrated with Ironwood's treatment don't harp on these details out of some desperate attempt to make him look good post-murder spree, rather, they recognize that he's a character that's been around since nearly the beginning, originally written as a good guy, and thus has accumulated a number of key connections with the cast. So when none of those connections are acknowledged during an arc about trust... that makes the group look very uncaring. Yang doesn't care that he gave her the arm, Weiss doesn't care that he saved her from hurting/potentially killing someone, Qrow doesn't care that he's trusted Ironwood for years (in a rival-bros way) and that they've been heading towards him this whole time. And when Ironwood begins to spiral, they don't do anything to try and help him, let alone acknowledge that their own choices, that lack of trust and empathy, had a hand in getting them here. "But it's not their responsibility to fix him!" Isn't it? Even a little? Just as human beings seeing an ally struggling under horrific decisions and circumstances? Sure, they don't have to try... but that doesn't make them look very heroic to my mind. And we can't even shrug that off by simplifying things with, "Well, Ironwood is evil now so who cares about him." They simultaneously don't care about finding Qrow who is missing, then captured. They don't do anything to try and find their missing teammates, with the exception of sending May to do it instead. They don't help the army fight off the grimm. Don't try to make sure Pietro and Maria had portals to escape through. Barely hesitate when the newly resurrected characters goes, "Kill me. That's the easiest thing for everyone." And these are just a few of the big ticket moments. It doesn't even begin to cover all the details we get that paint a picture of, "Wow okay. They just really don't care about people outside the group, huh? I mean, they say they do, in a life-or-death way, but they're not putting forth effort to show it on a daily basis."

And if you pick up on all that, if you acknowledge how much the group has changed based on where they started out, you might wonder when in the world that started. Surely we didn't just flip a switch around Volume 6. So you re-watch early stuff and, sure enough, there are moments that feel like setup for what's to come later. Not intentional setup (quite obviously), but a lack of care towards details across the series that, once the dynamic changed, became far, far more pronounced. Characters should be at least somewhat recognizable from start to finish, especially characters who have only experienced about two years of in-world time, so if we now get to see Ruby blandly commenting on all the people who are dying, or Weiss using her weapon as a means of coercing her little brother into doing what she wants, or Yang and Jaune dismissing Ren until he gives in to their point of view... we're going to look for the beginnings of that behavior early on. As you say, we were able to wave all those little details off due to a number of important factors. Now though? Now they feel like they hold a lot more weight, simply by virtue of that early material proceeding what we have now.

#rwby #rwde #mymetas

[moonlit-han]

stray kids’ reactions to you taking medication for depression & anxiety ↠ all members

genre: reaction word count: 2.4k warnings: discussion of depression and anxiety, description of panic/anxiety attack, swearing request: yes

a/n: hi anon! wow, this one turned highly personal really fast. so, this turned into a combination of your original request and how stray kids would react just knowing that you have depression/anxiety. i think how they’d care for and support you is a large part of their reactions to finding out, if that makes sense. i hope this brings you comfort~

✧ masterlist in bio ✧

bang chan

as with most things, chan would be very understanding

he’d just want you to feel and function the best you could

and not have to worry about whether you’re going to be able to make it through a day

he’d noticed when you first started dating that you occasionally withdrew into yourself

and needed time alone

chan didn’t really think anything of it 

bc he also kinda just turns into a hermit and hides to reset and recuperate

but when you’d told him that you take meds for anxiety and depression

his sneaking suspicion that you’d been struggling with something was confirmed

it all made sense!

chan would be immediately and absolutely on board to support you

he wasn’t gonna let those nasty depression demons get the better of his y/n

no! fucking!! way!!! ＼＼\٩(๑`^´๑)۶//／／

when you could stand it, he’d be really cute and cuddly to try to make you feel better

and he’d also research everything about the meds

on the days that you just needed to be left alone, he’d be worried 

bc he wouldn’t want you to be lonely or to need him and for him to not be there immediately for you

but sometimes even just the presence of another person is exhausting

even if it’s your partner

he’d always come back with flowers or your favorite kind of pie or curry or something else delicious or beautiful

all he wants is for you to feel like you can face the world

bc he’ll always be there by your side (♡‿♡)

lee minho

minho would be matter of fact and accepting about the whole thing

he wouldn’t be fussed

and would just accept that sometimes you’d be less than cheerful

and that it has nothing to do with him or his actions

while he wouldn’t necessarily understand the ins and outs of depression and/or anxiety,

he would still be totally committed to supporting you

he’d be glad that you have meds

because it’s hard for him to see you so down and feeling so blank

he just wants you to be okay

he’ll ask if you’re okay and what he can do

sometimes he just has to ask you a few times

just to be sure

for his own peace of mind

if any family, friends, coworkers, anyone gave you shit about your depression and anxiety

minho would be the kind of person to just:

Σ(☉‿☉✿)Σ(☉‿☉✿)Σ(☉‿☉✿) “hold my flower”and prepare to fight the world for you

alkjfhakjfdhkj

minho would always make sure that you have your meds on time

either going to pick them up from the pharmacy for you

or reminding you to get them yourself

he’d also remind you to take the meds on your especially bad days

when you can’t exactly think or do much else

while he jokes that cats are the best medicine for anything

minho knows and agrees that medication for mental illness and such is important

bc it helps you be able to function

but that doesn’t stop him from trying his best to make you feel energized and focused through other means!

you have a weekly picnic date, even after dating for two years

it’s the sweetest thing ever

and definitely helps (≧◡≦)

seo changbin

it was the first time you slept over at his place

(a really lovely evening with lots of sweet cuddling ｡ﾟ(ﾟ∩´﹏`∩ﾟ)ﾟ｡  )

(((oh no now i’m soft HHHH)))

and you’d left your bag sitting out in the living room

changbin had thought it would be nice if he got your things for you in the morning

and he also wanted to make you breakfast (✿◠‿◠)

so he'd gone to pick up your bag and saw the little pill bottle

and was just “oh, okay~”

when he'd come into the bedroom, changbin looked a little nervous?

bc he wasn’t quite sure how to ask you what meds you were taking

he wasn’t really worried or anything

he just wanted to support you with absolutely no judgement because meds aren’t a bad thing~

he was so understanding and immediately, like chan, researched everything he could about helping someone with anxiety and depression

and then made you breakfast bc that’s wonderful anytime at all

on the days you felt like you couldn’t get out of bed

(or simply couldn’t whether you wanted to or not)

changbin would be there

if you could stay in bed the whole day, then he’d stay with you

if you had to get up and actually do things, he’d do his best to help you

he’d make you food, help you shower, even pick out clothes for you so that you wouldn’t have to think

he’d understand that sometimes you need a bit of a prod to do things

changbin would definitely try his best to make those reminders as caring and lighthearted as possible

after all, you don’t exactly have control over when lack of motivation strikes

changbin would understand and know a lot of the feelings you have

and be able to empathize based on his own experiences

really, he would just continue to love you ♡

hwang hyunjin

hyunjin, oh sweet hyunjin

he’d be so understanding

and would feel really sorry for you

but not in a weird, pitying way

just sad that your brain had decided to betray you in such a way

*insert all the empathy here*

he knows all too well the feelings of hopelessness you sometimes feel

he’d be glad that you have meds, actually

and would even remind you when you have therapy (if you do)

he’d probably send you random “when you have anxiety/depression” memes

you’ve busted out laughing at inopportune times more than once from said memes

when you’re in a depressive episode, hyunjin would be like a cat

just curled up with you as much as possible

if you can’t stand to have someone near you

then, he’d still text you cheesy stuff like those ridiculous valentine’s day pickup lines that are, in fact, funny at any time of the year

oh and don’t forget about the utterly sincere, will-make-you-cry texts, love letters, post-it notes, notes written in blueberries on the counter, and even signs he’d write for you

one day, you’d even opened a lunch he’d made you to find a little note rolled up around your fork:

“hi hello yes you, the pretty one reading this! i love youuuuuu~ have a wonderful day, darling

p.s. remember to take your meds <3”

hyunjin’s gentle nature would be just what you needed

to support you

to love you

to care for you, not only emotionally but also physically

he’d be like a sheltering tree for you

grounded and calm with deep roots, but able to bend with whatever wind your depression/anxiety decided to gust through your lives

han jisung

jisung would…

well, jisung would just:

“AAAAAY, ANXIETY BUDDIES!!” (ﾉ◕ヮ◕)ﾉ;;;;;;

ajkdfhaljkfghaljf

definitely not the response you’d been expecting

but it was perfect nonetheless

you spent an afternoon together just talking about how your anxiety and depression manifested

what helped you to cope

what helped him to cope

which meds you took and if there was anything jisung should be particularly aware of

he’d be really interested in just how your depression and anxiety manifest

bc in order to care for you and help

he wants to know what bit of your brain chemistry has decided to fuck shit up

(sometimes jisung feels like he needs to fuck shit up, too. but really? come oooon y/n’s brain)

he’d leave you notes reminding you to do things when your ability to focus goes completely out the window

you’d wake up to find one of those large sheets of poster paper taped to the ceiling above your bed, saying:

“i love you, even if you have depression/anxiety that makes you forget to do the dishes. again. you’re still my little gremlin <3”

jisung would give you any and all resources he has to help you

he’d probably even write songs for you

there’d probably a mixtape out there somewhere of him screaming at your depression and anxiety

telling them to leave you the fuck alone

bc you’re too wonderful to have to deal with that shit

your weekends together would be spent in the bedroom

under the covers

giggling your asses off

and cuddling

bc it’s dangerous outside the blanket  ( ｀^´ )

lee felix

felix would be so chill about it

you’d tell him and he’d just be like

“okay! so what kinds of toppings did you want me to put on this pizza again?”

you’d just kinda blink at him

you’d been worrying about what he’d say

and if he’d leave you or something

(thanks, irrational brain. love you. NOT! ffs)

as if lee felix would ever leave you,,,,,,

it was a relief not to worry about that

felix would still bundle you up in the biggest hugs ever

and smile his sunshine-filled smile at you

honestly, that alone should be enough to cure depression

but, unfortunately, it’s not

((*shakes fist at depression/anxiety*))

but with felix’s smile and meds, you’re feeling much better, thank you

felix would try to make life brighter for you after finding out

he’d understand that sometimes you want to do things but just can’t

there’s no rhyme nor reason to it

and it wouldn’t matter to him

bc he’d still get to spend time with you, even if it just meant sitting on the couch watching movies

felix would know that sometimes he would just have to make decisions for you

not in a controlling way

but just because your anxiety over making decisions and following through with things would get the better of you

he’d make sure you drink water and eat lots of yummy food

his deep voice is the most calming thing oh my god

and whenever you have an anxiety/panic attack

felix would immediately catch you up in his arms and slow dance with you through the entire episode

even if you’re barely able to stand, he’d hold you up and support you

just so, at an incredibly scary time, you’d have the most loving arms around you

kim seungmin

you were having a panic attack when seungmin came over one time

and you’d just kinda slumped against the wall as soon as he’d come in the door

aaaand you’d had to explain what was going on

but seungmin had just helped you breathe deeply

and eventually you’d calmed down to the point that you felt like

well, like a limp noodle (＠_＠)

you know that feeling when your body is so exhausted from having a panic attack

that you can’t exactly do much else?

yeah. that.

so, he would be glad that you have meds for your depression/anxiety

like jisung, seungmin would want to have A Stern Conversation with your depression/anxiety

bc he’s tired of its shit ψ(｀-´ )ψ

not because he can’t deal with it or you

no

because he hates to see you in so much distress

also,,,,,,

no one should have to feel like there’s no joy left in the world, irrational thinking rules their brain, and like they’re trapped in a cycle of dysfunction, no matter how hard they try

bc sometimes just trying isn’t enough

and seungmin understands that~

sometimes you just need a little outside help

he’d come up with all sorts of things he could do for you to help ease your anxiety

he’d write down all your triggers just so he’d know what avoid

or what to tell other people to avoid alkdfjhakljdfh

bc we all know seungmin is that person (-_-;)・・・

when he found out that you have trouble deciding on food at restaurants

he’d immediately printed out the menus to all the restaurants you loved

just so you could take your time deciding at home

and not feel overwhelmed

aksjfhlskfjdh what a good bean

seungmin is just a sweetie who wants the best for you, really

plus, when you’re feeling better….

the two of you can go on adventures!! (⌒▽⌒)

yang jeongin

jeongin would be a little baffled that someone’s brain could be that cruel to them

“you mean you sometimes just can’t be happy?”

“yep, or function, really. sometimes moving or getting out of bed or eating just isn’t a thing”

‧º·(˚ ˃̣̣̥⌓˂̣̣̥ )‧º·˚

“don’t worry about. i’m on meds for it so it’s not as bad”

(◕︵◕);;;;

“jeongin i promise it’s okay…..”

“HHHHHHHHHH”

you just ended up cuddling him and explaining how depression and anxiety worked

(or rather, how fucking annoying and, even, debilitating they are)

that made him happier bc he understood

he’d try to help you do things that help with the depression

like going for walks

or drinking enough water

definitely regulating your sleep

jeongin: “i know, i know, y/n! it’s hard but you haaaave to wake up”

y/n: “mmph” (￢_￢)

jeongin: *lightly swats you with a pillow* “get! up!!”

y/n: *grumpgrumpgrump*

nights are even harder alkjhsjkslkfjhs

jeongin, on the phone: “no you’re not being a night owl tonight. no! y/n~~~~ come on, i’m tired and wanna go to sleep”

y/n: “but i’m not tired!! i’m just gonna play one more round of this and then go to bed. i promise!”

jeongin, not having any of your shit: “uhuh….”

y/n, *sweats*: “i promiiiiiiiiise”

…………………

3 am

jeongin, via email: “this is an automated reminder to  G O  T O  S L E E P”

y/n: “shit.”

he’d want to be there to listen to you whenever you needed him

even though he doesn’t have much experience with this sort of thing

jeongin would do his best as a kind and properly aware person

like everyone else, he just wants you to be okay

#ultkpop #stray kids #stray kids reactions #stray kids fanfic #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #stray kids fluff #stray kids angst #stray kids drabbles #stray kids x reader #skz #skz reactions #skz imagines #skz scenarios #skz drabbles #skz fanfic #skz fluff #skz angst #bang chan #lee know #skz minho #seo changbin #hwang hyunjin #han jisung #lee felix #kim seungmin #yang jeongin #.moonlight #moonlit-han

[dinosaurtsukki]

bsd as their zodiac signs | armed detective agency

a/n: i started out this blog with a hq as their zodiac signs post so i thought i should do one for bsd too !!

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osamu dazai | gemini

oh god i fucking knew it like dazai just screams gemini to me it's not even a surprise at this point

intelligence? check. sense of humor? check. talkative/chatty? check. dual-sidedness? check.

him being chaotic as fuck and unpredictable is just very gemini

as well as him being able to switch between being more light-hearted and cracking jokes to being all serious and kinda intimidating

geminis, like other air signs, are known for being intellectual too and quite skilled at a lot of things

aka dazai's many hidden talents (he apparently control his own heart rate like bitch wtf---)

he's not exactly the most loyal person either but more for the reasons that dazai thinks it's probably superficial. he knows very well that things can easily change with time and is adaptive because of that

very good at just,,, avoiding things in general

his legs are long because he uses them to run away from his problems

isn't the best when it comes to empathy and he definitely has a hard time connecting to people emotionally

but when he does, he treasures them quite dearly

his love language is roasting even though he is a bit of a flirt

that said, he likes being around people who just understand him in a way that even dazai doesn't

in terms of ideal partner, i think dazai wouldn't mind someone who's different from him personality-wise and he can get along with pretty much anyone

kunikida doppo | virgo

i was guessing that this guy was either a virgo or a capricorn and he definitely fits being a virgo

him being super rigid and organized when it comes to his work and schedule is very virgo since they're especially meticulous

just like dazai's he's very much a 'what are emotions?' kind of person (jk he knows anger but that's also because of dazai)

kunikida can also get quite nitpicky but that's because he expects a certain standard when it comes to things

he's a huge fan of marie kondo and declutters his house regularly. probably has a spice rack that's arranged in alphabetical order

him hating things that are out of schedule or haphazardly-made, spur-of-the-moment plans is also very virgo

SO good at repressing sadness and negative thoughts so he needs someone to truly open up with

also very detail-oriented. he'll take notice if things are just the slightest bit different or off. it helps him a lot in missions since he's very observant

king of self-control like how does he even do it ??

doesn't smoke or drink or any of those things

heck, he doesn't even eat junk food or sleep in late

okay but i feel like when or if he does get drunk, kunikida would already buy himself some hangover cures and place a glass of water on his nightstand table for hungover!kunikida

i feel like he has an aquarius placement in mars because of his idealism

atsushi nakajima | taurus

ngl i didn't really picture him as a taurus so i feel like his moon is in cancer because of how gentle and warm he is as a person (wow i'm really stroking my own cancer ego here)

a very loyal king and more than a little stubborn when it comes to that but he's very reliable

it actually bothers him a lot when he's unable to get something required of him done, whether its a really important mission or just something small

has an EXCELLENT memory for things. like, if you mention absentmindedly that you like orange popsicles he'll suddenly buy them for you because he knows you like them

atsushi probably really loves being in nature too and taking hikes when he's not too busy with work

just,, imagine him,,, picking wildflowers,,, and bringing them to the office,,, i'm soft i can't

he has a thing for making money but very careful about spending. the only time he really does spend is when he's giving to other people (like kyouka)

buying stuff for people = buying stuff for himself

okay but most of atsushi's money is spent on buying food (aka chazuke) and i bet he's invested some time in cooking for himself

has a stubborn streak but it's mostly fixated at how much he cares for people

he'll go out of his way to plan birthday parties or do a favor for someone even after telling him he doesn’t have to

edogawa ranpo | libra

another smart air sign boi !!

libras are like the uwu air signs but in my experience no two libras are the same and a lot of their personality kind of depends on their other placements

kind of like dazai, ranpo isn’t one to easily empathize with people and he’s a bit dense when it comes to detecting emotional cues

has an inability to specifically choose what he wants to eat so he solves it by choosing everything

aka will clean out the convenience store with one visit and then probably call kunikida if he doesn’t have enough money

libras are also known to be very affectionate around people and also quite charming

you can see this in ranpo as he does have that skill of manipulating people. he can easily cause them to be frustrated and lose their cool (case in point: chuuya)

and in many ways, his attitude and skill demands respect from his peers

libras are also driven by a need for justice and ranpo does exhibit this is a bit

his idea of justice is quite different from kunikida since ranpo has a bit more self-preserving tendencies

but for him, the idea ‘what’s right’ is attributed to the people he knows has a strong moral compass (aka, he’d do anything to support/follow fukuzawa and kunikida ideals)

although i do think ranpo also has a basic sense of doing what’s right and he does it for the detective agency

he’s really good at arguing even though he probably hates arguing. but he DOES lowkey love watching people fight

sometimes he’ll stir the pot a bit in the office but fukuzawa already knows ranpo started it

▸ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ┈┈┈┈ 🎕 ◂

taglist (check out my post for details on being part of my taglist): @waitforitillwritemywayout @atsumusdomain​​ @laure-chan @goodfoodxoxoxo ​ @guardianangelswings @ah-kaashi @amberalisa​ @whootwhoot​ @liz-multifandom-hotel​​ @kac-chowsballs​​ @violentfarewll

#bungou stray dogs #bsd #osamu dazai #dazai #osamu dazai headcanons #kunikida doppo #kunikida #kunikida doppo headcanons #atsushi nakajima #atsushi #atsushi nakajima headcanons #edogawa ranpo #ranpo #edogawa ranpo headcanons #bungou stray dogs headcanons #bsd headcanons #bungou stray dogs imagines #bsd imagines

[thechangeling]

My own personal Lizzie headcannons (Kit's gf)

Ok for those of you who don't know we got a picture of Kit's gf and we the Mari fandom decided that she was a completely different character from Mari and we named her Elizabeth (Lizzie) after Mary Elizabeth. Yes I know we are unhinged.

- Aroromantic and bisexual (but romance favorable)

- Quebecois but does not speak fluent French like her parents. She was pulled out of French Immersion she was 12 when her family moved to the UK for her mom's new job.

- She can speak a basic French words and a few sentences but her pronunciation is a bit shakey and her mother always give her the side eye when she speaks French. She can read it no problem though.

- Magnus who knows France French once told her she spoke french "weirdly" and she almost lunged at him.

- She has been drinking wine ever since she was nine years old so she is quite familiar with different kinds. When she tells Kit this he just gapes at her.

- She is autistic and has C-PTSD (from growing up autistic mostly and having less then supportive parents)

-Seeing as I hc Kit, Mari and my OC Janessa as trans, Lizzie can be the token cis.

- She can be very prickly and dark and gloomy. Her trauma makes her angry and prone to violent outbursts. When Kit realized that she gets smashy when she's angry he decided to take her down to the local junkyard and let her wack at stuff with a baseball bat.

-And then comes the screaming. She's very careful not to yell at Kit or anyone she catee about. She mostly screams into the sky or at inamite objects. Or at her own reflection in the mirror.

- She has a lot of tattoos and piercings. She likes the way they feel as a sensory experience.

-Very sensory seeking. A super tactical person. She tries to come of all come hearted but she's super needy with affection when she trusts you. She'll just attach herself to Kit, dig her nails in and refuse to let go.

-She loves Alternative rock and Indie Rock. Especially girl bands from the late 90s and early 2000s. Like Hole, Garbage and No Doubt. She loves blasting loud ass music at any given time.

- Lizzie's a huge candy person.

- Goes through really bad bouts of depression sometimes, coupled with burnout that knocks her put for weeks. She'll get really distant and emotionally closed off.

- When she's burnt out she doesnt have the energy to care about people at all.

-Extremely low empathy like she is the type of person who will hear about your dead relative and be like "wow that blows man." (It's me lol)

-It doesnt mean she doesnt care about your suffering. She just doesnt know what to say or how to help.

- She is very hypersensitive to criticism and feeling like she is being controlled or told what to do due to trauma.

-If you tell her to calm down she will punch you.

- She also has extreme abandonment issues and if she thinks your pulling away from her in any way she will either shut down or completely explode, which she always regrets afterwords.

-She always has a sense of genuine amazement on her birthday ever year because she didn't think she would live this long.

-She and Kit meet in detention and she makes an impression by setting the teachers desk on fire.

- Oh yeah she's a bit of a pyro. Kind of like someone else Kit knows.

- She braids her hair as a sensory thing and sometimes Kit will braid it for her.

- Her curly hair is so thick and unruly that she needs to use her mouth to hold the third bundle of hair while she's doing three strand braids. Although with her it's more like three giant bush braids.

-Kit will regularly make comments like "jesus christ you have so much hair"

- Among her many tattoo, she has a tattoo on her collarbone that says "Already Dead"

@littlx-songbxrd @spooky-drusilla @the-wckd-powers

#tsc #kit herondale #kit's girlfriend #twp

[ninjas-and-coffee]

WU SUCKS but not the reason you think

I'd like to preface by saying Wu has made a lot of mistakes and should be held accountable. But like the main arguments against Wu be like.

1: Morro

2: Traumatizing kids

3: Keeping secrets

4: Mot treating his nephew like is damn nephew.

5: Flirting with his brothers wife.

And the thing about that needs talked about. 1:Morro. First off getting kids hopes is not cool. It can be detrimental to development depending on the age of the child. BUT. Not a single soul told Morro to train tirelessly for 60+ years after his death to take revenge and be the green ninja. Absolutly no one. Wu had compassion for his failings and wanted to show Morro he could still he great without being the green ninja. But the little brat ran tf off and got trapped and died. And he got cursed, how- we dont know. But its implied that it's either intentional entrapment or you have to be a terrible person, guess which category he probably falls into. Mind you Wu also told our OGs that they could also be the green ninja and none of them went off the rails to settle some invisible score. Morro made his choices and he made shit ones. Wu was an influence but not the problem. Morro is unstable, dramatic, and holds grudges Wu didnt cause that.

2: the traumatic experiences the nina go through are also not exactly his fault. He didnt just pick them off the streets. THERE WAS A PROPHECY. Ok? Yall with me. Fate isnt uncontrolled by anyone the ninja needed to be trained to help Lloyd fight the Overlord. That wasnt his decision. And yall act like the ninja couldn't leave whenever they wanted to. He didnt gaslight them or belittle them in anyway that wasnt for teaching. Please bring me receipts if you think otherwise. I do admit he could help a little more, be more clear, but when has a old magic teacher character ever been straightforward. With that logic fuck Dumbledore, and Gandalf, and any wise old teacher that goes to find chosen one who once again are chosen by fate not the master himself. Yall literally cant blame Wu for Child's Play and you cant blame Wu for their experience with Nadakhan either. The enemies that go out of there way to attack the ninja are not a direct cause if Wu himself. Usually. It be like blaming Garmadon for Chen. Yes they had history but it's still not his fault

3: Secrets. I will admit there is next to no reason for keeping secrets from the ninja. Considering history always has kind of score to settle. But considering his age and the apparent imprisonment or death of his past enemies there no way to predict every problem that comes back to screw him over. The Time Twins for example. Yes they came back for Wu. But he did remove their powers and separated them over 20+ years ago. They were not exactly threats to his new students now were they? Again with Aspheera, who was literally locked in a tomb why take the time to educate the ninja on a problem he had no idea was going to come back for him. Same with Morro to a more confusing degree. MORRO DIED. How was he to prepare the ninja for that? Yes please tell me how they were supposed to prepare for a dead guy. I'll wait.........k. he should be more forthcoming with the ninja, about things he knows could harm them, like the Serpentine after Lloyds released them, Chen, the Overlord, the effects of Travelers Tea, Tomorrow's Tea, Oni, Etc. But most of the time the ninja go and do it first then wonder why Wu didn't warn them.

4: His nephew. Wow his parenting sucks. Morro is not his damn child let's start there. Comparing their relationship is unfair. Wu cared for Morro the way he cares for Kai and Nya. He never accentuates a paternal relationship with then. Cause they are students, students he has to train with he intent to send them out onto dangerous battle fields and mind games. He was alone so yes it looks different but it's also a leap to just assume that Wu viewed Morro as his own despite treating him the exact same way as his 6 other students. Now back to Lloyd. Why didnt he get his nephew from Darkleys where it was known he ran away from multiple times? I DONT KNOW. No one does. That is a bad move I can only theorize about. Maybe Misako said something about staying away, maybe he wasnt kept in the loop about his nephews whereabouts due to idk KICKING HIS FATHER INTO HELL. C'mon yall. Now in the later seasons my best guess is that he doesnt know how to differentiate his nephew from the chosen one side and the goofy child side. Hes never had a child and his early relations with Lloyd were scarce and when Lloyd came to live with him. It's not due to some familial obligation, destiny literally called for it. Putting some definite strain on their relationship. I'm not excusing it he should try better, but he'd have to build a relationship from nothing and most people know their immediate family upon birth or during childhood which is not the case here. Wu treats his nephew more like a vessel of power than a person which isnt cool but knowing that the kid might not come back after every fight is a good damper on happy relationships is it not?

5: Misako. Good lord I don't have to explain this one. No excuse. It shouldn't be happening. BUT. After Garmadons death she was a free woman as gross as it is. It's more a flaw on her than it is him she chose to have a baby with one brother and still try to get with the other. And I know it takes two to tango but dont get mad at the idiot that the cheater is cheating with. Be mad at the cheater. The thing people really dont get about love triangles. The "other guy" brings on the questions/options but the person who cant choose or screws with both parties is the one in the wrong. Lloyd seems ok with it. Because Tommy said so. I dont particular give two shits about his take on the show half the time. If Lloyd were actively against it the Wu would probably stop. If the Fsm family acted like a normal ass family we probably wouldnt be here. But their priorities are a little screwy compared to typical nuclear families. Not an excuse just some perspective

NOW, why he is a bad character despite all of those arguments. he chooses to train soldiers rather than care for impressionable teens. Yes the situation called for it but the pressure could he alleviated if he decided to actually help before the world was on fire. He chooses to teach by experience than be upfront. Which works sometimes but not when actual lives are at stake. His trial by fire teaching works but the possiblity it could go wrong is to big to be brushed aside. His seemingly unreachable vault of empathy is hard to swallow. He rarely actually feels things for other people, his lack of enthusiasm when they pull through something hurts to watch. His lack of empathy about raising his nephew to attempt to kill his father is frightening. The pride he demonstrates by choosing not to disclose his past until it's too late is dangerous. He doesnt directly put down the ninja unless he has to and its more implied than anything and is on his students and this fandom for taking it so harshly. He trusts them a lot because he doesnt see them as kids anymore. They are warriors and it was necesary. He should have more compassion. He should be more straight forward, he should try to act like a person and not some ethereal being of elsewhere that doesn't have time to appease feelings or care about people until after hes wronged them. His values are off kilter sometimes which is whatever until it starts to hurt people

But yall need to stop blaming him for other people actions. Morro was a mess to begin with. His problems are in the past because he took care of them already. Misako came onto him. (He should have resisted but he didnt start shit she did). He needs to try to be an uncle alongside being a teacher. He needs to act like a fucking person more than the infinite cache of wisdom and unforeseen unused power that he acts like. And also it's a kids show. How many children think the way yall do?, we're teens/YAs we're reading into things. A LOT which makes everything more complicated. Comments rebuttals open. There's a collection of little mistakes hes made along the way that dont fit into these categories but these are the main reasons I know people hate him and the little things add fuel to the fire. I will legit talk about anything Except for the morro thing I am so tired of seeing it Morro made his choices hes a fucking Villain Wu didnt make him that way being a bitter asshole did that. Thanks for reading!! :3

#ninjago #coffee speaks #lloyd garmadon #fuckin misako #Wu ninjago #discourse #ranting #tw: negative #replies will be on my second account of there are any #trust me i hate him too #morro #tw: aldultery #not art

[whentherewerebicycles]

wow okay i am skipping the lingerie party lol and am instead going to just briefly jot down some thoughts before i go to sleep and wake up at 5 for my flight tomorrow morning. jesus christ i have ONE MILLION thoughts and feelings about this weekend. i want to preface this by saying that on the whole, it was a fine social experience! it was nowhere near as awkward or painful as i was expecting. or like, parts of it were painful, but it was 100% to do with my own complicated feelings about literally every part of this tradition and the wedding industry in general lol, and not anything to do with the people themselves. the other women were friendly and very welcoming, i made an event best friend who was wonderful company, and it was really fun to get to spend time with both my sister-in-law and her older sister, who was so charming and wonderful. i’m glad i came even though thinking about the $$ i spent on this trip makes me physically gag.

but okay i want to just record some THOUGHTS that maybe i will continue unpacking with some distance. i feel likeeeee okay here are my thoughts.

the social norms around femininity are just a fucking minefield and i feel like i really just gotta keep walking back the impulse to judge other women for the choices they make as they navigate around the manifold traps and snares and half-buried landmines that constitute the landscape of being a woman. like jesus christ. it’s so fucked up, it’s so fucked up, the received and socially enforced norms of femininity are just so fucked up. I think ALL THE FUCKING TIME of this margaret atwood poem i love so much, which was REALLY on my mind this weekend:

How can I teach her some way of being human that won’t destroy her?

I would like to tell her, Love is enough, I would like to say, Find shelter in another skin.

I would like to say, Dance and be happy. Instead I will say in my crone’s voice, Be ruthless when you have to, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it.

I feel like the first bit was very much on my mind throughout the weekend, but those last three lines have come to the forefront over the course of this last day, as i have tried to do some Thinking about what i observed/experienced/felt this weekend. whether or not this is what it means in the context of the poem, tell the truth when you can, when you can see it, expresses something of my complex feelings: I don’t know that I can tell the truth about femininity because I don’t know that I can see it. i am both too close to it/still emotionally entangled in it and too far from it to know which parts of it are ‘real’ and which parts are just performance.

i feel like one thing that struck me this weekend, in ways that i don’t know if i’ve noticed as much before, was that so much of the things women say to each other or do in these social contexts is performative, and they know on some level it’s a performance, but we are all going through the motions of doing and saying the expected things anyway. that has not always been clear to me. i have spent so much of my own life as a woman thinking that other women perfectly, seamlessly, naturally embodied the norms of femininity, and i was the only one (or part of a group of only ones) who couldn’t remember my lines, or kept fumbling my cues, or felt so painfully, self-consciously aware that i was playing a role that i could never deliver a convincing performance. but this weekend, after the initial social panic had passed, i started trying to get out of my own head a little bit and look for things that disproved the very strong theory i had brought into the weekend. and of course then i started seeing more and more of the little moments where women say one thing and do another, or profess one belief/conviction but then the whole corpus of their lived experiences and choices contradicts that stated belief, or whatever. and also just like, moments of pathos, where someone i had judged harshly at the beginning of the weekend offhandedly revealed something about her past that really changed my perception of her, or at least made me think like, ah god, i have to have empathy for and with this person, because i think she might be a complex person just like me, with an intricate inner life that her performance partially reveals and partially occludes from view, and agh, it sucks to have to think of people as complicated instead of as safely two-dimensional & easy to dismiss, and the reason it sucks is because then it forces you to realize that you share more with this person than you’d like to admit, and that some of your wounds are the same, even if you dealt with those wounds (the wounds of girlhood, or rather the emotional wounds that our culture inflicts upon girls, which then become tangled up in complex and painful ways with the lived experience of girlhood itself) in really different ways.

but also ugh. we are all performing gender norms but there is just something that does not feel playful at all about embodying conventional femininity. i can’t think of a better way to phrase that right now but it’s like.. the performance isn’t fun. it doesn’t seem to be fun. i don’t know that anyone here was having fun doing it, even if they were having fun being with each other. but it was like doing the intensely gendered social rituals was like, the price of admission? like it was the toll we had to pay to be together spending time in the company of other women? i don’t know man but it fucking exhausts me. like i can push myself to stretch my genuine empathy and sense of solidarity with other women much further than my knee-jerk judgmental reaction, but i can’t ever get to a place where i find any of those social rituals anything other than fucking exhausting. they feel so fucking joyless. they feel like things that many women have internalized as ‘things we must do in order to have relationships with other women.’ (please do not even get me started on how exhausting heteronormativity is i think i could write an entire other essay on how women use these bachelorette party-type rituals to spend time with their closest female friends, but the whole event is still implicitly organized around men, and these women’s male partners are still positioned as the priority in their lives, and the whole event is framed as like, a last burst of intense closeness between women before the bride is delivered over to her husband. like i KNOW that this is not how women think of it but all the RHETORIC of the bachelorette party, the little events and rituals and games, the little comments everyone makes all fucking weekend, good fucking lord, my jaw is so TENSE.)

anyway god i just AGHHHH. idk sorry this is definitely not coherent at ALL because i’m tired and still need a bit more distance/time to process some of this. i guess here is one last thing i want to register before i sleep. i am in my 30s now and i am living a life that is so, so far removed from the social world i grew up in. marriage is not a norm among my friend group, almost all of my female friends are queer women, many women i know are not partnered and have no interest in being partnered, and the friends who are in heterosexual relationships tend to be in very gender-balanced relationships or slightly nontraditional relationships where it feels like both partners have engaged in conscious reflection about what they want their relationship to look/feel like. also i now date women, am out as a lesbian, and spend most of my time teaching/working with queer- and trans/nonbinary-identified kids.

so like, the world i live in now is just so different from the world i grew up in. and sometimes it is easy for me to kind of downplay the intensity of my own gender distress as a teen and young adult, or to sort of - act like it was a phase in my life that had much more to do with me than with the social environment i lived in. i don’t mean ‘phase’ in a dismissive ‘those feelings weren’t real’ kind way, but more like, ‘oh that was just part of the normal growing pains of figuring out who you are and what kind of person you want to be as an adult - everybody pretty much goes through some version of that.’ it’s true that everyone DOES go through some version of that, as just like, part of the process of individuation in that age range. but also like. idk man. being back in this environment - straight white women from the midwest and south, all engaging in the rituals of heterosexual white femininity - was just so intense and so MUCH, and it brought back a flood of feelings and visceral memories that i feel like i will need to spend some time sorting through over the next few weeks. like, what i experienced back then really WAS gender distress, and it was so, so distressing. i spent the years from age 11ish to 24ish existing with this constant lowgrade baseline feeling of wanting to claw my own fucking skin off because my own gendered body felt like such a prison, and i sometimes felt like i literally wanted to destroy my own body because i could not yet conceive of an alternative to inhabiting that body or playing the role that had been handed down to me. until i started reading queer memoirs and inhaling lesbian media and (especially) reading about queer femme identities, i literally did not have an image or any kind of felt sense of what another way of inhabiting my own body might look/feel like. i literally could not imagine it!!!

and that is why the distress feels so distressing, and becomes internalized in such violent ways, i think. because it’s the blind, mindless panic of a trapped and wounded animal. except that you lack any real understanding of the larger social forces at work, or any language with which to describe or conceptualize what social norms are or how they’re enforced. so in your mind, the only thing you can see wounding you is your own gendered body, or the way that gendered body is socially 'read’ by others. and that is why you want to claw your own fucking skin off, just literally dig your nails into your own flesh and claw it the fuck off. because you can’t see a norm, but you can see your gendered body, and you can see the ways that it causes other people to react to you, or treat you, or hold you to a certain set of expectations, and so in your mind you are like: this must be destroyed. in your mind you are like, the only way out is to get out of this fucking body, but that’s impossible, surely, you can’t get out of your own body, so you have to settle for starving it and self-harming it and ruthlessly punishing it in a thousand terrible ways, because you might not be able to leave your girl’s body behind, but you can make it suffer and pay for what it’s done to you. 

i am old enough now, and have spent enough time thinking and writing about those feelings, to identify them when they arise again, and to get the necessary distance from them so that i can say, what i want to destroy are the norms themselves, and the distress they cause, and not the body that has done nothing to me but be me. so i am not quite as sucked under as i used to be. but i think that there is something about the violence and intensity of those feelings that i forget sometimes, or misremember with age and distance. it’s easy to be a little bit patronizing to my younger self (or by extension to my younger students sometimes), because i now live in a social world that is largely arranged in ways that minimize rather than intensify or amplify gender distress. but when you have no choice in how to arrange your life, and no language with which to understand what is happening to you or what you are experiencing, and no frame of reference to help you understand that this is a period in your life and not forever, and no models you can look to in order to discover alternative ways of inhabiting your body or arranging your life... my god, that’s quite different from being an adult with a wide range of experiences and with much greater autonomy over your own body and life. anyway idk i need to keep thinking but now i must go to bed and try to sleep five hours before the plane.

#how can i teach her some way of being human #that won't destroy her!!! #gender #mw #to think further #girls I have been

[siennahrobek]

I had so many ideas on what to write about today but I was scrolling through the Obi-Wan tag during my break and I came across a huge post that had been baffled and a bit crazed. It was labeled about forgiveness and mercy and such but it was like a huge insanely interpreted post about the Jedi Order and some of the characters. Of course I wasn't about to start any sort of argument (and wow was the post long) but I just had to write something, at least, in my own post, unconnected with theirs. I guess this is a reaction and buckle up cause it seems like this is going to be a long one. I have a lot to say and I'm not gonna stop being all anxious about it until I do but uh....

I'm sorry, did we watch the same movies?

They go through a lot of movies and completely do a opposite take on the Jedi; how they are "unattached" (I say this because there are so many misconceptions about the word) and celibate (which we know isn't actually true) and how Anakin becomes living proof why this attitude is wrong.

First of all, it's not an attitude; it is a way of life. One that has worked for thousands of people over millennia. Second; their point WAS proven. Anakin turned to the dark side and became a sith. He committed genocide after genocide (the Jedi, Mandalore, Alderaan, Lasan etc.) and in the end, he only turned back because of his son. Which, may seem good on the surface, but it only goes to show how no other children or people that he murdered actually mattered, it was only his blood child that did. But that's not where I'm going. You don't actually see him regret doing the countless things he has done (probably because he dies) and he only does this because of his blood son. It, for me, gives the impression that blood means everything.

Anyways, there is quite a bit of talk about Obi-Wan and honestly? It is all not good. I'm not blind to Obi-Wan's faults but in general? He is a really good person; he tries so hard and goes through so much and is ugh, always trying. Obi-Wan shows no understanding? What? What? Did we watch the same movie? I mean it has been a while since I have watched Attack of the Clones and Revenge of the Sith (they hurt my heart because ugh) but that is NOT what I remember. I remember Obi-Wan teasing Anakin gently to get his mind off of his anxieties when they were going to see Padme again. I remember Obi-Wan saying "dude don't be a horny teenager" (not in those words obviously, but that was essentially the message). I remember him literally parenting and teaching him - like he's supposed to do. I remember him trusting Anakin to do the right thing and to protect the Senator alone, by himself. I remember Anakin saying he's been having dreams - not visions or anything and nothing specific, just about his mom - and Obi-Wan going "it's alright dude, those pass in time". I mean everyone has DREAMS, that's not beholden to force-sensitives. My dreams sure as heck don't mean anything. Just cause he is a Jedi and COULD have visions, does not mean they are. And he didn't tell Obi-Wan they were visions, he literally says dreams.

(this is about the time that I wish I could work with gifs and understand them)

Anakin is not stronger than Obi-Wan; I mean, really? Sure, more powerful? I guess? But let's go back. Who beats who on Mustafar? Obi-Wan. Who does NOT murder a bunch of children and turn to the dark side? Obi-Wan. Literally, sure, he's more "powerful" with the Force, because I guess that is the whole point but he's not stronger or wiser than Obi-Wan because as Captain Rex said "experience outranks everything" and man, does Obi-Wan have a lot of that.

Let's take a break and go to Shmi. They claim that her death is a dark page in the Jedi's book. I mean, w-what? How can you possibly blame the Jedi for Shmi's death? For not freeing her? Did Qui-Gon even tell the Council that Anakin was a slave? I don't remember, honestly. But still, she ended up freed and married to a man she fell in love with. And if I remember correctly, someone was sent (by Padme maybe? to free her but she was already gone to the Lars' by that point).

Okay, I know it sounds like I am reacting to a post and well I am I suppose. But like, this post is literally blaming the Jedi for Shmi's death and how they did not offer Anakin compassion. And then just to say that it is bothersome how Anakin was solely blamed. Uh, because he was a the perpetrator! How can you possibly justify the MURDER of children. Even though it not the Jedi way, I could understand, sort of, if he went after the people that hurt his mother specifically; probably some of the men/warriors/adults. But the babies? The children? You can literally not justify that. And to blame the Jedi Order and Obi-Wan for not "taking his nightmares seriously?" Are you serious? Anakin mentioned the dream (DREAM) once in passing, there is no indication that he said that she was in danger or that this was a vision. And visions are known to be notoriously unreliable! Not to mention, the Council is responsible for the Jedi as a whole - that is thousands of people.

Alright, now to the war.

There was a claim that throughout the war, the Jedi became more and more aloof, intolerant and unforgiving and determined to win despite the suffering of the people.

What. The. Krutack.

I will include the Clone Wars series, since it was directly referenced in response. Once again, did we watch the same show? Because I'm pretty sure that virtually the whole point of the show, aside from showing us horrible things the CIS did and the individuality of the clones, was the compassion and kindness of the Jedi. How they fought to protect as many people as they could. They were dying alongside the clones. Does anyone remember how kind and caring the Jedi were when they came across civilians. Do you remember how Obi-Wan literally carried and protected with his own body the little Twielek girl, Numa, on Ryloth? Does anyone remember how many NON-Republic planets they helped? I remember them helping even CIS senators and planets that had no ties to the Republic. They helped Mandalore even when they were not part of the Republic. The vast majority of Jedi are shown protecting not only citizens but the clones as well. They are on the front lines - not hidden behind a desk (although some are and that is necessary - tactics and strategy people) and trying to save as many lives as they can, even if it costs them. They inspire creativity and individuality in the clones - this is literally a thing. I could go on and on and on.

Okay, on to Revenge of the Sith - the sadness that will probably haunt my heart forever. We will start with Dooku; specifically when Palpatine tells Anakin to kill him and that he deserves it; it is revenge for cutting off his and whatever. And this, this, post asks if this is an act of mercy for the guy kneeling in front of him (and tells him Obi-Wan later denies him) and like, what? How in the world is that mercy? He murders a defenseless man. Sure, he is the enemy and he is a criminal but he is supposed to stand trial (not to mention all the intelligence Dooku could possible give to help win the war) which is incredibly ironic, considering later, Anakin screams at Mace Windu telling him Palpatine should stand trial (even though he is much more dangerous and more of a threat than Dooku). This is not mercy. This is a handless, defenseless (although evil) man who Anakin does actually kill. It is not mercy.

Anakin has dreams about Padme; similar to his mother. You would think he would have learned his lesson and confided in someone by telling them what was actually happening. Anakin once again, DOES NOT give Yoda any specifics, just that he fears someone he is close to will die. It is claimed that he is lacking empathy and compassion to Anakin's dilemma. WHAT DILEMMA? Anakin won't tell anyone anything that could actually help. What Yoda says is true; like "dude, people die and you have to move on from that. You cannot stop death and you cannot let this fear control you. You have to let go" which is a completely reasonable thing; I mean, hello - grief counseling anyone? Yoda probably thought he was talking about Obi-Wan - who was off on a very dangerous mission against a cyborg that had killed many Jedi and padawans; this seems like a very normal fear. Whether or not Yoda says this in the right way is not really relevant; Anakin knows that he has to let go of what he fears to lose because eventually, no matter what, he will lose it. NOTHING is permanent. Now if Anakin had specified he was having what he thought were visions and the actual person in them, I'm sure Yoda would have said things differently and probably helped him.

(Also, did Padme get any real health care or like??? Was it too much of a secret???)

(The genocide of the people in the Temple is conveniently glossed through with bare mention)

and then Mustafar. Contrary to Padme (apparently) Obi-Wan shows no clemency. ANAKIN MURDERED THE ELDERLY, THE SICK/INJURED AND BABIES in the temple. Not warriors, not even full grown men and women (some would be full grown but all the able bodied were probably out in the war trying to defend the universe). He should NOT be granted clemency. Anyone else would probably have been executed for this direct horrifying act. But they seem to gloss over how Obi-Wan is always on the defensive, not really because Anakin is more overpowering (And Obi-Wan does use a defensive style, Soresu) but because he is trying to give Anakin time to chill out and come to his senses. That is literally how the choreography was designed.

And Obi-Wan's last words were? Harsh? What? If I remember correctly, Obi-Wan says something like "You were supposed to destroy the Sith not join them" and when Anakin screams he hates Obi-Wan, the return is "you were my brother, Anakin, I loved you."

That is heart-breaking and sad, not harsh. How can you look at Obi-Wan's face in this scene and call that harsh? How can your heart not break for him?!

Say what you will about Obi-Wan leaving Anakin without "finishing him off". Whether or not this is a mercy, whatever. First, we needed a reason for Vader to be in the suit. Second, Anakin was unarmed; Obi-Wan doesn't go around killing unarmed enemies, much less loved ones. (Hello, the slaver from the series, anyone? He didn't kill him; it is against his beliefs. Rex killed him). Can you even imagine how Obi-Wan was feeling? How could he possibly kill his brother? Like, I have so many feelings and not enough words ahdkjgkjgjkf. Anakin does suffer and Obi-Wan has no reason to believe that Anakin would survive his injuries. Furthermore, if I remember correctly, Palpatine ship was coming? Also, Obi-Wan had to get to Padme - she was injured and more of a priority. Because she is someone he can try to save - Anakin is long gone - in more ways than one.

Although it claimed that they are not denying the terrible things Anakin has done; that is almost kind of what they are doing. They are literally putting Anakin's choices and agency to the fault of the Jedi - not just individuals but the culture and people. It is literally gone on to say that if he had left with his wife, the worst could have been avoided. What was the worst?

Oh, a mass murderer got his legs cut off and accidently burned alive. Uhm, okay, that sucks but you do realize he committed genocide of his entire family right? And he choked his wife into unconsciousness.

I can't even with humans.

There is not even a note to Palpatine and how he manipulated Anakin for years. No blame at all on the man we need to blame the most - they put all the blame on the Jedi which just. Blows my mind.

The Clone Wars proved there was no right choice for the Jedi - they were doomed to fall. Not because of anything they did - they did everything they could - but because of Palpatine's plans and schemes. I will never, ever agree that the Jedi failed because of themselves. I do not think that the "institution" was destined to fall ( that "institution" lasted for longer than the Republic). The Jedi were trying so hard - they were kind and good and compassionate and trying so hard for peace and saving as many lives as they could. The Sith were evil. The CIS was evil. The Senate was corrupt. And the Jedi were trying.

There is so much Jedi-blaming for Anakin's attitude, disposition and choices it is literally driving me insane. Why did I do this to myself?

Things delve into a New Hope and immediately there is bashing of the jedi; where Obi-Wan cuts some guy's arm off at a Cantina and Obi- Wan "lying" that Vader killed Anakin. Which, honestly, I could see that being true. Him being Anakin's murderer, at least. Vader may have Anakin's body but even he claims that he killed Anakin Skywalker. Anakin, at least, how he thought he was, was loyal and passionate and loving - or at least he tried to be. Vader is literally none of these things; there is very little of "Anakin" in Vader. And at first glance, it may seem that Obi-Wan and Yoda are setting Luke up to kill "his father" but honestly, I see it more as preparing him to fight Vader and kill him, if necessary. It's a horrible thing, but they do not outright say anything. And honestly, they were right. Vader is willing to kill Luke - he cuts off his hand and fights him. Okay, I have so much to say about this but that is for another time; i will digress about this particular point (of lying and such)

Luke, apparently, decides to forgive Vader and show him mercy (which is claimed the Jedi and Obi-Wan NEVER did for Anakin, no matter what he did for them which is such BS I'm virtually crying rn)

There is a lengthy talk about Luke trying to rebuild the Jedi culture and how it crushed him, his contrast with Obi-Wan's attitude and shame(?) and how trying to be a Jedi has caused him to fail. Because apparently Luke is the only one who apologized and that makes him different I guess? (How many times has Obi-Wan apologized and thought things were his fault even though they weren't?)

I won't get into the Sequel Trilogy because honestly, it does very little to interest me. I am mostly a Prequel- era person mostly because I love Obi-Wan and the strength and compassion of his character. Finn seemed really interesting to me and man I thought having a female Jedi character would be really great - we had some fantastic female Jedi such as Ahsoka, Shaak Tii, Depa Billaba and so many more - but they were rarely the focus and I thought it would be fun. But, I was a bit disappointed because killing off Han Solo the way they did? Eh. Didn't care for it. I was also in the era of Mara Jade, Jacen and Jaina Solo, Anakin Solo and Ben Skywalker (Luke's son) so perhaps I was a little bias. I didn't really understand why Leia and Han would name their child after someone that they didn't really know (although I do have a headcanon concerning Leia and Obi-Wan which I find hilarious that I love).

I didn't particularly care for the Sequel Trilogy. They made it a Skywalker show and they did an emphasis on romantic love and from what I recall from what I have watched, the majority of the characters weren't nearly as interesting or compelling to me. And then bringing Palpatine back, sighs. Why does it always come back to him? That is just exhausting.

I'm not hating on the Sequels; everyone is allowed to like things or whatever. I just didn't; they focused so much on Rey and Kylo Ren (who I actually have a bit of an opinion on but I won't right now) instead of the more intriguing characters. I would have been much more interested in Finn as a Jedi. To overcome what he has been through as a stormtrooper and becoming a Jedi would be a really interesting story. I didn't care for how they handled Luke. And I didn't like how Rey apparently became a master so fast without any real training? Even Anakin, the Chosen One, the most powerful force-wielder, had ten years of training under Obi-Wan and the Jedi. That stuff doesn't just...come; you learn it.

I wrote more about the Sequel Trilogy than I care too. I suppose this is a rather reaction post but wow; I felt like me and this person had watched two separate movie trilogy/shows. It boggles my mind on how people can get the opposite of something that was so clearly shown. I hope I didn't upset anyone too bad. I'm not hear to start a fight, just to get out some feelings.

I wrote this all instead of homework that I desperately need to do. Sighs.

I need to go through my likes and read some good Jedi content cause man, that, that was hard.

#obi wan kenobi #Anakin Skywalker #Ahsoka Tano #Yoda #Rey #Ben Solo #Kylo Ren #Luke Skywalker #reactions #commentary #Star Wars #prequel trilogy #original music #Sequel trilogy #the clone wars #tcw #the clones #pro jedi #jedi order #I love the Jedi #in defense of the jedi #Genocide #the jedi are amazing #Obi-Wan Kenobi deserves better #The Jedi deserved better #Honestly this is why I stay before Original trilogy era #because I love the Jedi Order #It is so good and beautiful #Infinite sadness #I'm not trying to start a fight

[thorniest-rose]

i still remember what you said about johnny being capable of real tenderness, and asking this question feels like dipping my toe into a pool of lava but: do you think t*rry s*lver is capable of real tenderness

Oh wow, isn't this the million dollar question!! So I've been thinking about this over the last couple of days, and I'll momentarily set aside how ridiculous TS so I can answer seriously.

It's so easy to see tenderness in Johnny because we have the real glimmers of depth and vulnerability that go all the way back to TKK. It's obvious that he's a good person despite the way he treated Daniel when they were teenagers. But Silver's a different animal entirely. Honestly he's so one-dimensional and badly written in KK3 it's difficult to even envision him as a real person with real emotions. You can tell the filmmakers saw him as an easy villain and not much beyond that (even if the accidental subtext of Silver as predatory and a sexual sadist practically leaps off the screen).

TS does exhibit something like kindness in his interactions with Kreese. He appears genuinely fond of him in the few scenes they share, and they have a connection that was forged against the backdrop of the Vietnam War, so you get the sense that they've been through a lot together and that Silver is fiercely loyal to him. To the point where he's immediately prepared (and pretty ecstatic) to destroy the life of an innocent teenage boy (which is really weird to me but I'll reserve breaking that down for another post).

But if you mean romantic tenderness, it's so hard to say because we never get to experience Silver as a multi-dimensional character. He's cruel, manipulative, and sadistic, but he never reveals anything that verges on kindness or empathy, at least in his interactions with Daniel. So we're only left with what we can surmise about him.

Personally for me, and how I read into & write Silver, I don't think tender is how I'd ever describe him. He'd see any kind of emotional vulnerability as a fatal flaw. And I think feeling love for someone would be part of this. He'd see it as a weakness / as something that could be exploited and used against him. And of course to the Cobra Kai, any weakness has to be destroyed before it destroys you. I also don't know if he'd be capable of love. He seems like someone who's sealed off all the spaces where he was once soft.

So in the big silverusso fic I'm writing, Silver's version of romance manifests as something very possessive and controlling. He's obsessed with Daniel, and dangerously fixated on the idea of owning him, but it's too hard and cold to be love. And as KK3 hints in Silver's interactions with Daniel, he doesn't have any boundaries, and I don't think he'd want Daniel to think or feel anything that could be kept from him. I don't think he'd even want Daniel to see himself as a separate entity. Instead he'd want Daniel to be completely dependent on him, an open book that he can reach into at any time, for his entertainment or pleasure. I think he'd want to slither his way inside Daniel's body and mind so deeply that Daniel feels like he's dying when he's not with him, like he doesn't even exist without him. Which is extremely unhealthy, but from the way Silver treats Daniel in KK3, it's not a stretch of the imagination to see their destructive D/s dynamic continuing if their relationship became sexual or "romantic".

I hope that answers your question! I wouldn't say tenderness for TS, but I would say obsession and control. And while I'm not sure if he's capable of real love, I could see Daniel being his one weakness. Like the one person who's capable of shattering his icy-cool control and making him volatile. Because I think the idea of breaking Daniel and owning him is so delicious he'd do anything for it. And I think he'd hate the idea of anyone owning Daniel who isn't him.

#asks #terry silver #posts in which i overanalyse the tall toxic man #typical of me these days!!!

[daisies-write]

that Illumi Flower short GUTTED me... thank u so much! 😭 can you do more illumi angst where he finds out hisoka cheated on him, illumi's rethinking his life and himself, and then he meets reader s/o who turns his life around?? sorry if that's too angsty you can ignore if you want <3

Ooooooooooooh!!! I personally am from the people who only see Hisoka-Illumi’s relationship as practical and not romantic so honestly it was fun writing all this in another point of view!! Also idk about this one piece honestly, everthing feels so OOC T-T I did my best. I hope you’ll like it nonetheless<3

-Yasu

Craziest

Requested by: anon

TW: mention of cheating but other than that just really OOC characters, i’m very sorry idk how to write qfstrydjukfytjdhrstgeqfz-

Writer: Yasu

Word count: 1923

    To be completely honest, that was to be expected. This whole situation, this relationship, from its inception to its inevitable end, was incredibly toxic. A marriage only for the benefits of the death of the other and the benefits of death only, so where had he screwed up? When had he gotten so attached to this eccentric magician that it hurt - something he didn’t think he could feel for years now - upon learning he had fucked someone again?

    It wasn't new anyway. Hisoka had never deprived himself of the pleasure of a drunken night out and it's not like he owed anything to anyone. This marriage was really just an arrangement and Illumi had always known it but things had changed, on his side at least. His feelings had somehow mutated very slowly, imperceptibly over the years spent with Hisoka. He wouldn’t say it was love, he didn’t know what it was anyway. Assassins don't need friends, let alone lovers, that was what he kept saying to himself that night.

    The sky had darkened very quickly and Illumi had hung up on Hisoka who spend a good ten minutes to describe his latest follies with his new one night stand. The dark haired man didn't have the strength to hear his voice anymore and as strange as it sounded, Illumi was feeling exhausted. The streetlights were starting to illuminate the city and in the few minutes that seemed to last for hours, night had fallen and the nightlife of the big cities began.

    The tall buildings, boulevards and shops had come alive, as they do every year during the approaching winter festivals; people wrapped in their warm clothes and sheltered under their umbrellas crowded happily. Some laughed with friends, some with family, some held hands in a small but beautiful show of love. and this whole, peaceful universe contrasted so much with Illumi’s in a nostalgic painting.

    He walked along a street whose name he had forgotten, in a place he did not know, lost in his world which seemed even colder than the rain that pounded over his body. He had no emotions on his face, as always, but he thought. He had thought so much that he had come to question his existence, his being. “Who am I, what am I, where am I going? “

    He strolled gracefully between people who never seemed to notice him; he was a shadow, a tiny piece of darkness that roamed against the walls as he walked tirelessly hoping to find a goal, some hint of nonchalance but in vain. The cold was burning his skin but it was nothing as his physical capacities were out of the ordinary, inhuman. So he didn't understand why you had stopped in the middle of your path, eyes wide open, worried. So genuinely worried about him.

“Sir, do you feel okay?” had you asked softly, while holding tight your umbrella.

    Illumi saw no point in answering and didn't give you one more thought. He resumed his walk, thinking you would do the same. But where his physical abilities were incredible, your empathy and kindness were even more so, out of the ordinary, inhuman. Or actually, very much human.

   “Sir, wait please!”

You quickened your step after him, and so he stopped and turned his head to watch your face, unphased.

   “What do you want from me?”

   You smile at the question. You didn't want anything from him: he worried you, that’s it. His gaze seemed so far away and so cold and as the burning match of pure love that you were, you refused to let it go like that.

   “I just felt like you needed someone to reach out for you, for some reasons,” you said, a gentle smile playing on your lips.

   Illumi didn't understand. To tell the truth, he didn't understand any of the words that came out of your mouth, nor their tone, nor their intentions. It was too sweet for his world, too foreign. He had never had real warmth and never felt the need for it but you were there and making your presence known as you see fit. So he just watched.

   Your smile never left you as you carefully undid your scarf. Illumi was tall so you needed one jump and another to get it around his neck while he drowned in incomprehension. Your neck was cold now but you didn't care and lifted your umbrella higher in an attempt to cover Illumi's head.

   “Can I buy you a hot chocolate? Coffee perhaps? ” you asked.

   But Illumi wasn't listening to you, his eyes fixed on the scarf you had so gently forced around his neck. New questions had crept into his mind in a mad dance, a mix of emotions that overwelmed him in a heat he didn't know; he wasn’t feeling hot, just warm. Did you just burst the bubble of his world? Did you just made a little hole in it to blow hot air, and make him experience a part of the humanity he lacked? Could someone do this in a few seconds? Could you?

   “Who are you?” he asked after finally catching one of his racing thoughts.

   "Me? My name’s (Y/N)! ” you said. “So? What do you prefer? ”

You could.

   “Why?”

You didn't mind his questions, you did know it might be weird to have a stranger come out of nowhere to put a scarf around you and invite you to a drink.

   “Well, it’s better if you drink something you like, right?” you giggled. “And you have no coat, nor an umbrella and you’re wearing short sleeves! I figured out a scarf would be welcomed, haha! ”

   Illumi was looking at you once again. He scanned your face, looked for an ounce of malice, possible betrayal, but found nothing. There were really strange people on Earth. He decided to accept, perhaps in the hope of forgetting his existential questions that he usually never had. Eyes black, dark and lost hovered over your frame thinking that perhaps wouldn’t be so bad to wait his next mission with someone. You weren’t sure why he accepted but you were glad nonetheless.

   “Great! I know a perfect café not so far and I swear, their pastries are just delicious! ” You point to a café with warm appearances and decorated with Christmas garlands. “You’ll like at least one thing there for sure!”

   You were right, the pastries were excellent and the room wasn’t too crowded. Illumi had kept the scarf on even while drinking his coffee while you smirked at him through the steam of your drink. He amused you with his perfect posture and manners.

   "Do you come from a rich family?"

   "Yes."

   "Ah, I knew it!" You laugh. "What family?."

   “Zoldycks.”

   Your eyes widened for a moment and Illumi thought he had scared but you still laughed, still so sweet. You didn’t seem to mind.

   “Wow! This is quite something! "

   “Most people would have at least started getting nervous after hearing that, and yet you are laughing.” Illumi sighed. “I think I have something that keeps attracting crazy psychopaths.”

   "I'm not a psychopath!" You pouted slightly and sipped from your hot chocolate. “And what do you mean by you’re always attracting them?”

   “My husband.”

   You bursted into intense laughter.

   “Who- “you breathed sharply through your laugh. “Just who calls their husband a psychopath?”

   “Because he is.”

   And your laughter started again. Illumi calmly explained everything there was to know about his relationship with Hisoka. You listened eagerly, finding every detail fascinating. Illumi had a complicated life, but he never seemed to talk about how he felt. He told everything as one would recite facts, with the utmost objectivity. Illumi didn’t feel as if talking about his life was important but you seemed to enjoy it and he couldn’t care less about what you knew about him. You were weak so he didn’t have to worry and just went with the flow.

   “It's a strange story. I hope you’ll figure everything’s out! ” you said once he finished talking.

   You looked at the walls around you and found the story of your new acquaintance even stranger in a place like this. The walls were a beautiful honey color, the armchairs extremely soft, the dishes were delicate, the smells mingled in the air, the sounds were joyful, and the shadows on the floor danced to the rhythm of the candles. What a great place to tell such a horrible story.

   "You’re crazy too, aren’t you?" said Illumi after a while of silence and a last sips of coffee. “Even crazier than Hisoka, I’d say. But you don’t particularly look like it, it’s just a feeling. I don’t know what is making me see you that way.”

   You put your cup down, closed your eyes and breathed in one last time the smell of butter and cinnamon before standing up. You put your coat back on and picked up your umbrella.

"Because you're right, I am crazy."

   His eyes never left your face now. He didn't expect you to be leaving so soon, or at least it seemed soon to him. When he checked the time on his phone, he surprised himself when he saw that at least three hours passed. You stayed three whole hours entertaining a stranger because his eyes looked weird to you and he couldn’t understand.

   “Perhaps I am the craziest!”

   “Perhaps. But why?”

   You played with your fingers as your gaze turned dreamy. Illumi noticed at that moment that you were breathtaking. Your whole being was so different from his world of extreme violence, cold and burning from Hell. You had a good heart, a beautiful soul, a touch of idealism that was so peculiar to him. Any other day, and he’d find you foolish. Tonight, your foolishness was welcomed.

   “I do believe that Humans are amazing and that the world is good. And because I so firmly believe this, I know I am crazy. ” You bite your lips. “For me, there’s no other possibility.”

   “Even with people like me?”

   “Especially with people like you,” you said. “You’re bad, awful even. But somehow you’re still human. And you still said yes to a bit of simple pleasure; a conversation and a coffee.��

   You smacked your cheeks to make your embarrassment go away, still smiling.

   “For me, it’s the proof that you aren’t that heartless, and that no one really is. ”

   Once you said goodbye to him and left, Illumi started thinking again. For a long time. So long that the café closed and he had to be kicked out by the manager.

   Outside, the rain had stopped but the cold was still there. The world seemed as dense as before, the sky still so dark, but the garlands of color were no longer annoying and the laughter of families and friends didn’t seem so loud anymore. Illumi realized that he was still wearing your scarf, that the taste of coffee still lingered on his tongue as the echo of your laughter in his ears and he hated that he liked it.

   He lived in the craziest world that could possibly exist and it’s a person like you, a big idealistic as well as a little bit of a simpleton who had just decided and succeeded in turning his life upside down in a few hours and a drink, in a way that even Hisoka or anyone could ever do. And he hated that he liked it even more.

   Maybe you really were the craziest. And maybe he wanted to see you again.

#hxh x reader #illumi x reader #illumi zoldyck x reader #hxh imagines #hxh illumi #hxh 2011 #hxh 1999 #Hunter X Hunter #hunter x hunter imagine #illumi imagines #illumi zoldyck imagine #x reader #yasu writes #ari reviews

[swimfuel]

okay humanstuck thoughts under the cut

i owe a lot of this to @/rhythmic-idealist's kankri/vantasposting bc holy shit theyve got such a big brain (ill link to their individual posts when im on desktop since im using this to keep all my thoughts straight and i agree with most of what they say wholeheartedly)

general status quo stuff:

signless works in an extremely demanding career involving helping others (i'm leaning towards an attorney who works with organizations and does pro bono work), and is also extensively involved in social justice work outside of his job... he is very rarely home

he loves and cares for his children deeply and tries to express it whenever they're face to face, but the couch in his cramped and messy office has seen far too much use over the years for him to have been able to say it enough

his habits of working himself to the point of exhaustion are handily passed down to his kids btw

the kids had to grow up quickly because signless was out of the house so often and so consistently—kankri, who was already pretty high-strung, has to learn to take care of himself and karkat

they grow up near ms firuzeh maryam, who's their pseudoaunt/grandma (she took in a nine year old kavana vantas when she was about twenty), but they just call her ms rosa

they spent a lot of time in the maryam house growing up, with miss rosa's two nieces. porrim is a year older than kankri, while kanaya and karkat are the same age

kankri grows kinda sensitive to people trying to mother him since it rubs against the notion that he's the "adult of the house" and that he can take care of himself and karkat just fine

(and it also kinda underlines the fact that kankri has no idea what he's doing at the best of times)

and ironically enough, kankri becomes overbearing and naggy towards karkat in his own right, which forestalls them becoming close in any brotherly sort of way

they grow up really just... unable to communicate with one another clearly

karkat develops his ornery exterior in response to kankri's constant stream of opinions and frantic attempts at making up for the presence of a guardian in the house

i think there would actually be some really interesting parallels with rose in this au.. maybe i'm drawing from my own experiences as well but i think he'd begin to assume that every time his brother opens his mouth, he's going to criticize karkat

but instead of reacting like rose with the "making yourself more of a puzzle"/passive aggressive stuff, he gets a more defensive/hackles raised/"argue with you before you can argue with me" approach

and the thing is that they do love each other and would take a bullet for the other etc etc etc.. but they don't know how to express it because they've fallen into these shitty patterns

and it really doesn't help that kankri has grown somewhat resentful of signless over the years... that mix of resentment and fear and love gets more extreme and more polar every time signless gets injured during a political demonstration

i think kankri and signless would also be slightly closer than karkat and signless, as signless' job really only started to ramp up when karkat was less than years old and kankri was in his early double digits

kankri autistic btw its word of god (i am god)

karkat has a pet crab. its name is also karkat. he vents his frustrations to it.

i feel like the vantases exemplify both the best and worst parts of their aspects with one another as well... the strength of their bonds keeps them together and grounded, but TOO grounded. [insert Blood rant here]

the Blood rant:

i define Blood as bonds, responsibility, and the "core". if Life is the fertile soil and everything living on a planet's surface, then Blood is the gravitational core of the planet keeping everything together

i also think Blood, Heart, & Mind work in tandem to define a person just as blood serves to connect the pieces of the human body... Heart is the soul and the self, Mind is the application of one's self through active choices (agency), while Blood defines both the self and the choices one makes in greater detail [and, as an aside, Life provides the physical spark of life needed to keep the heart pumping blood]

OKAY wow that got tangential anyways

SO BASICALLY! too much Blood makes you stagnate, so for example:

kankri is split between staying home with karkat or going to college across the country and being truly unbound for the first time in years

another crisis of Blood: signless is caught between his empathy and responsibility to the whole world and his responsibility to his own children

okay so here's more status quo stuff:

the maryam and vantas kids grow up together and its hilarious because you'll see them all together and its just like (girlboss) (girlboss) (physical manlet) (emotional manlet)

the maryam girls are actually miss rosa's nieces but she took them in when they were both pretty young

the pyropes know the vantases well enough considering pyrope senior and sign have known one another from their respective legal practices for years, but they live on the other side of town

the leijons lived in town when kankri and meulin were very young, but they moved and travelled for a long time before coming back and reestablishing their roots

the captors (psii being one of sign's oldest and closest friends) move into town with the peixes family pretty early on though

the condesce is.. a horrible spouse and guardian, to put it plainly. she's very emotionally manipulative and isn't averse to smacking people around, including her own family. she moves herself and her perfect little family into town so she can properly oversee a new business venture close by

feferi is one of the best young swimmers in the country and has a pretty good shot of getting onto the olympic team.. a lot of this drive to be perfect and to be better results from the condesce's unrelenting pressure and thinly veiled resentment throughout her whole life

so yeah psii, )(ic, feferi, and sollux all live together and it's really not great for anyone involved. (meenah ran away years ago, and crashed on aranea's couch for a pretty long while—mituna moved out with latula for college before psii and the condesce got married)

it gets bad to the point of sollux staying with the maryams for two months while the adults try to sort out that absolute clusterfuck and get the divorce proceedings going (meenah finally convinces feferi to get out and come stay with her and aranea for the duration as well)

in terms of relationships i think latula and porrim were really really close in high school, and probably had some kind of unacknowledged thing going on for a while that never actually turned into anything because latula and mituna were going steady

kankri has had a crush on latula for years but never acted on it for similar reasons

meenah still carries a lot of that give no fucks attitude (it's developed moreso as a defense mechanism here) and can't understand why feferi refuses to leave the condesce with her

okay back to VANTAS MANPAIN i also think that karkat feels the weight of a lot of expectations on his shoulders as well

he feels responsible to live up to the example his dad and his brother set, even if it's to his own detriment—and kankri's oblivious rambling about his grades and his teachers and all his clubs certainly aren't helping the matter

kankri is one of those overinvolved kids taking a million AP's while simultaneously shitting on the collegeboard at every single step

hes this super overachiever anal retentive perfectionist type dude and (just as karkat preemptively criticizes others to forestall their criticisms of him only to harshly criticize himself) kankri subconsciously holds the people around him to the same expectations he holds for himself

so karkat also develops this sense of lacking which, in combination with everything else, culminates in self loathing and thinking he has to solve everyone else's problems and getting horribly mad at himself for every little mistake

GOD i have a lot more but lemme post this before i accidentally close out of the app and lose it all

more little details:

vriska's mom and terezi's mom HATE each other like HATE HATE HATE one another it's so bad

karkat wrote a ten page review of my immortal in middle school

jade is one of nepeta's best online friends

sollux can't raise one eyebrow at a time.. karkat gives him so much grief about it

the vantases eat a lot of shitty renditions of persian dishes until karkat learns to cook because literally the only person in the world with a CHANCE of getting KANKRI VANTAS to make an EDIBLE DISH is miss rosa

kanaya is really good at persian dance too but is VERY VERY embarassed to perform in front of people.. however porrim definitely is not

karkat has insomnia while kankri just stays up stupidly late for assignments that really shouldnt be taken that seriously.. but they both have the same rumination/sleep anxiety thing where your brain goes insane with horrible and depressing scenarios as you try to sleep

and more ideas that i thought were interesting but idk how to fit in the context of this au:

signless and disciple getting married pretty late in life after having been in love for years, the vantases move in with the leijons and karkat suddenly has two sisters

nepeta and karkat are both juniors at this point, meulin is probably in her third year at a local college nearby while kankri is about to start his second year at a university pretty far away

the kids in general honestly but ill figure it out

more random hcs this time with kids:

kanaya and rose get into a flame war online that gradually settles into elaborate courtship rituals

also nepeta + jade online besties

also bec can inexplicably still teleport

the first sbahj movie comes out and the next six months of dave strider junior's high school career are absolute hell

actually hc that dave senior goes by d strider professionally. the d stands for a lot of things

aradia and dave frequent a lot of the same forums but never end up really interacting

meanwhile karkat and john frequent a lot of the same forums and DEFINITELY end up interacting. this turns into grudging (at least on karkat's part) friendship after they find themselves fighting for their lives defending an objectively shitty movie together on the same thread

#humanstuck #vantas family #.

[fforsythiaaa]

Sweater Weather Tarot

Y’all, never have I ever created fan art or anything... and I still haven’t. Because I can’t draw. But after @lumosinlove mentioned a Sweater Weather tarot deck, I had to cross over this amazing story (which you should 100% read immediately) with my only other creative talent -- reading tarot.

Click through for the Major Arcana as Sweater Weather. (Please, please, someone make my dreams come true and illustrate these.)

spoilers abound, read the fic first!!! 0 - The Fool - James The start of the tarot encourages us to think about the hopeful, confident feelings we have at the beginning of a journey. James is overly excited about welcoming Sirius to the team, about Lily’s pregnancy, then later about Coops and O’Knutzy. He’s a tad oblivious - the main caution that the fool gives us -  but we all wish we had his optimism.

1 - The Magician - Dumo The magician is the one who sees all, knows all, and makes shit happen. Can you think of anyone who better represents creative problem-solving, using intuition to guide actions, charisma, power, benevolence? Daddy Pascal all the way.

2 - The High Priestess - Natalie Even though she’s a relatively minor character, it’s clear to everyone that Natalie knows exactly who she is and she acts like it. She’s a bad-ass who knows what she wants and gets it. That’s the high priestess - balancing our internal and external drives, goals, and motivations.

3 - The Empress - Lily I know, I know, put the pregnant lady on the card featuring.... a pregnant lady? The empress encourages us to embrace our compassion, empathy, and healing powers; she tells us to bring new things into the world, whether that’s literally small people or creative projects or new relationships. She’s so supportive of Loops, James, and Sirius that she deserves this (my favorite card!)

4 - The Emperor - The League Is is cheating to put a kind of abstract body here? The emperor represents the structures in our life that give us rules and regulations. Sometimes, that’s a good thing - we can all use a little routine and structure for stability. Sometimes it can feel oppressive. The League is responsible for bringing all our favorite characters together, but its power makes them feel scared of breaking the rules.

5 - The Hierophant - Minnie A hierophant is a religious leader; in the tarot, he taps into The Rules and uses them to provide guidance on the journey. Minnie, as Sirius’s agent, knows how to guide him along that traditional path as a star hockey player without too much damage to who he is inside. She’s going to work within the system to give the press some Brothers Black drama to distract other news, but she’s proud as hell when he snaps back at nosy reporters. She’s the best.

6 - The Lovers - Coops What did you expect??? In the Tarot, this card isn’t just about romantic relationships with others - it’s also about our relationship to ourselves. Sirius and Remus are both healing and building their relationships with their own identities throughout the course of their careers and lives in SW. Their growth together and individually is what makes them perfect for this card.

7 - The Chariot - Finn This card represents action, action, action - even if you’re not sure which direction that action is headed in. Finn dates June, kisses Leo, runs after Logan, shares their relationship with team... all of this to keep himself moving forward. Maybe it’s not a linear path, but he’s sure as hell skating running down it.

8 - Justice - the Blizzard Honestly I think this card is such a perfect pairing with the High Priestess. Justice asks us to think broadly about what is fair, to ourselves and to others. At Remus’s during All-Stars, Kasey sums up perfectly how Sirius's reaction wasn’t fair to anyone involved -- it’s a moment that really hit home for me what a stand-up guy he is! 

9 - the Hermit - 36 Missed Calls It’s good to take time out to retreat and evaluate yourself, your life, your next steps. The hermit isn’t a “bad” card, by any means. But we can’t hide forever, and we have to choose when our self-reflection is going do the most good, for ourselves and for the ones around us.

10 - Wheel of Fortune - O’Knutzy The wheel reminds us that sometimes it’s best to go with the flow and trust that the right opportunities will present themselves at the right times. Sometimes you just gotta wait 8 years for your missing piece to show up, okay? I’m not crying. 

11 - Strength - Sirius TW: coming out, being outed, abuse (mentions, not graphic) This card always gets me because the Waite-Smith illustration reminds us that strength doesn’t always look like we would assume. Sometimes it’s just surviving, just making it another day, even if you’re not doing the most “courageous” thing. It’s hard to not be out, it’s hard to come out, it’s hard to be outed. And it’s hard to experience abuse and hard to have abuse in your past. Sirius knows a thing or two about strength, okay, plus this card has a lion on it, so there you go.

12 - the Hanged Man - Leo Where the hermit retreats to do his self-reflection and thinking, the hanged man takes his time to reflect out in the open. His upside-down position represents considering that what’s expected of you might not serve you. The most observant guy on the team could teach us a thing or two about stepping back to step up.

13 - Death - Regulus Listen. LISTEN. Death is a great card to pull in the Tarot. It signifies the end of an old chapter and the beginning of a new one. When Regulus and Sirius cut off their mother and Reg agrees to come back to Gryffindor, he ends that chapter of the Black brothers’ lives, allowing a new one to start.

14 - Temperance - Arthur I’m 100% basing this on the snippet that Haz shared where Arthur tells everyone not to bring their relationship drama onto the ice. He’s clearly so happy, but there’s also a game to play and a cup to win. Balance, boys, everything in balance.

15 - the Devil - Paparazzi & Press Sure, we’re mad at the paps and want to characterize them as negatively as possible, but truthfully they’re more complicated. The paparazzi and the press represent the temptation of caring about what others think... it’s fine to care a little bit, but when you care to the point of sacrificing yourself and your own growth, you’ve given into a dangerous temptation. 

16 - the Tower - Greyback, Walburga, and The Photo When everything falls apart in a spectacular mess, that’s the tower for ya. Greyback, Sirius’s mom, and the photo are the ones that set off the chain of obstacles that Sirius and Remus overcome in SW. Of course in hindsight we’re glad the tower fell so that we can build up a better one, but wow, did it have to suck so much? Like the death card, the tower also paves the way for new beginnings, but we can grieve the way it happened. 

17 - the Star - Remus You thought it would be Sirius, didn’t you? Well the star is a “dreams come true” card, and Remus knows something about that. Even when his hockey career was ended before it began, he pivoted and created a new dream to go by; his dreams of love may have taken a back-burner, but now they’re coming truuuue <3 thanks for letting me be so corny

18 - the Moon - Logan The phases of the moon remind us that nothing is permanent. Even if there’s some mystery about what’s going to come next, our worries aren’t going to prevent the sun from rising. Logan was perhaps a little reticent to move from his “ignoring feelings” phase into “yay love amazing relationship” phase. He hid a little bit from himself and from Finn. But it’s all going to be great!

19 - the Sun - Julian & Adele We look to the sun for happiness, confidence, inspiring happiness in others -- the next generation is certainly a source of that. Hazelnuts love Julian and Adele because they represent how amazing life can be for our favorite Lions.

20 - Judgement - Hazel @lumosinlove She’s engineering the whole show. Us Hazelnuts can only wait with bated breath for her to bless us with the next chapters of Sweater Weather and Coast to Coast! 21 - the World - the Cup *knocks on wood* *throws salt over left shoulder* This card is the end of the journey in the Major Arcana and it’s achieving our goals - growth, love, stability, creativity, new knowledge, whatever your heart needs or desires. It’s not just about winning a championship for our characters.... it’s about living a complex and fulfilled life, with love, hockey, self-confidence, family, friends, and maybe a Cup, too. *knocks on wood again*

#sweater weather #lumosinlove #coops #o'knutzy #remus x sirius #sirius x remus #wolfstar #tarot #wolfstar tarot #fanfiction tarot #rider-waite #waite-smith #coast to coast #c2c #sw

[develation]

SCP AU

So @emeraldtrainer1 (Ao3), @writingforfunandbecauseboredom (Ao3), and DarkstarWolf53 (<-Dunno if they have Tumblr) did an SCP AU three-way Convo fic some months ago. I really enjoyed the outline and concept and asked if I could expand on it. With their permission and about a month of research into what the actual SCP Foundation is (and holy cow there is so much, no wonder people are all over this) I've finally managed to get a start on this. There is a decent amount of things that are different from their original Convo (via their permission) but it will basically follow the same storyline that they created. Please go check their Convo out, it's a very long and fun read with a lot of good fluff and Angst mixed in.

I will hopefully be drawing some of my designs soon but for now, writing seems to be the way to go. Here is a link to it on Ao3 -> https://archiveofourown.org/works/33213928/chapters/82464553

I'll also have it below in case you would like to read it on Tumblr instead.

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

Error: (The End Of All But Me.) There are too many unworldly traits that spiders have that I couldn't just not give to Error, so I've kind of combined their Puppetmaster concept to my design. He has 4 arms with clawed fingertips, his tail is prehensile and his jaw can split open. He has 5 tongues still, 2 of them are spear-like, and can shoot out and impale victims. The saliva produced under the tips of the barbs on the two tongues can liquidity a prey items insides so he can drink them up (still a clean freak, using the skin as a cup and drinking up any mess leaving a skin bag behind). His other three tongues are prehensile and can extend to an unknown length, they are barbed aswell but do not carry the venomous saliva. Strings wrap along his bones from his eye sockets, which he uses to create a nest atop the ceiling of his cell.

SCP-002's (Apollyon class) cell is a blank room (it ask for a TV later on) that goes up vertically 2 floors. The top half is required to be shrouded in darkness as it likes voids of either white or black. It has filled the darkness of its cell with a nest of strings that it spends all of its time in, even when feeding. It does not attempt to attack staff, when asked why it replied with, "Not yet." Personal have not been able to decipher what it means by that statement. In an interview via speakers and mics within containment cell, it was asked why SCP-002 stares off at seemingly nothing for extended periods of time and never touches the ground. Subject responded with, "Busy." When asked what it was busy doing- "Watching." When asked what it was watching- "The world. Everything." Due to this experience, it can be concluded that 002 can view any place in the world and perhaps beyond via "screens". These "screens" are unviewable to anyone but 002 and 001 as the latter SCP had called them so, hence their given name. SCP-002 has a strange relationship with SCP-001 and it can not be determined if 002 likes or dislikes 001.

Ink created Error on accident. In the beginning, Ink didn't know what he was doing, and the brutality of Earth's natural forces of destruction were uncontrollable. If he wanted to bring life to his chosen planet he needed a way to control the chaos. And so through the storm, a new force was born. And even if Ink didn't create it, he did wish for it.

Error is a ticking time bomb for extinction. He waits and watches until he decides it's time for a "spring cleaning" and starts his work. The Ordovician, Late Devonian, Permian, Triassic, and Cretaceous mass extinctions were all him. He deemed the human race ready for a "cleaning" a long time ago and Ink agreed with him, ready to see and make something new. But Nightmare threatened the both of them by stating that he would make the earth forever inhabitable and they would have to kill him before he stoped his rage. Nightmare fears that if another extinction event were to occur he'd lose his boys.

Ink: (God doesn't care about what's right or what's wrong. God just wants to watch interesting things happen.) His form is always changing, different traits from different animals and organisms he's created. Ink is basically Gaia. Born when Theia crashed into Earth around 4.5 billion years ago, he made everything that ever existed. Since he's made A LOT of organisms he has a ton of favorites and the traits from them are what mostly show up when he mutates. Sometimes it's Kaprosuchus with belonged snout and fangs. Sometimes it's Tylosaurus with its marine reptilian posterior. Sometimes it's Chital Deer and their antlers. More often than not though, his tail has consistently stated having bristle-like hair at the tip of it, which is basically his brush. The concept of paintbrushes is pretty new to him since the human race has been around for a short time compared to other species, so while he does have one, his tail is his broomie. If his next from doesn't have it then he just uses his hands and his blood.

Ink can't be contained. It's that simple, he just can't. He just sticks around because it's interesting and hilarious to see his creations so intelligent but so stupid. (remember how humans are still young in terms of Earth's age, so the fact that they're so smart... on a thought level that could almost match his own is so very interesting to see and watch. even if there ruining his planet.) The SCP foundation just has to let him do his thing and hope that he doesn't override 003's and 004's decision to not have an extinction event.

His cell is basically a mini-ecosystem, with all of his favorite organisms living within whether they are extinct or not. He loves his little sample of the world and it keeps him in his cell for a good amount of time so the foundation let him have it. If any of them even touch what is HIS without permission then he rips them apart and feeds them to the baby Rhamphorhynchus. Don't touch his babies.

...Cross though... he can touch his babies... and Dream... and maybe Error... That's it though!

SCP-001 (Apollyon Class) is a being older than all living things, despite his toddler-like mannerisms. Even more infuriating, within an interview, 001 openly admitted to being the cause of all SCP's and their anomalous effects. It stated that they were all just mistakes and/or experiments, testing the limits of their own abilities. 001's quoted response- "You don't get it do you? I made everything here! All of your little "SCP's" are just of my creation as all of you. Sure there all mistakes but, it just proves my point that it's time to start over again. A clean slate y'know? Pfft- wow you look mad! If it makes you feel any better, I don't like most of them either. They were cool at first but... it's like flicking black paint over a finished painting. Sure, you can try to get over it but eventually, it will just bother you so much that you just can't stand it! Well... I do kinda want some of them to stay... If I could just convince Ru..." -shows evidence to this conclusion. Termination trials were approved by the 05 Council, though have not been able to start since 001's creation of a barrier around its cell, preventing entry of anything that tries to pass.

[Note: Error, Dream, and Nightmare are not included in what Ink views as "mistakes". Y'know when you're trying something new and you don't know what you’re doing, yet it works somehow. That's them, happy accidents. Ink adores them.]

Ink finds the attempt of Termination trials on him to be absolutely hilarious. The fact that humanity's insecurity about their lifespan and control is so great that they'd try to KILL HIM. Amazing. He can't believe he's managed to make the simultaneously best and worst organism ever.

Dream: (When day breaks.)  Again he was accidentally created by Ink’s actions in an intense solar storm. The flare drifting over the earth in combination with Ink’s magic still working to bring life brought him to existence. Dream’s design is almost harpy-like, with beautiful golden, sun-like wings with a small feathery crest atop his skull. Two tail-like feathers sprout from the crest that can rise up and down depending on expression and mood. He also has bird feet and legs, and a tail.

Dream adores all life, his is the warmth and growth of the sun (original form being a ball of light and plasma that literally looks like a mini sun). He is basically like a piece of the sun on earth. His cell is kinda like Ink’s, only in the fact that there are just a couple of animal species. Some deer, birds, and insects mainly. Ink obviously just appeared in his cell one day and made it for him. While Dream could be considered to be a Safe SCP, his ability to damage or completely ruin the planet if inraged prevents that classification.

SCP-003 (Apollyon Class) has proven to be a relatively docile creature. It is elegant in nature (like that of a bird) and shows greater empathy towards all life in general. Unlike SCP’s 001, 002, and 004 who view it as more interesting and admirable, more like a pretty crystal than an actual being with its own consciousness. 003 can not be fully contained and has shown the ability to travel through light rays. Its aura has also shown to be some form of anesthesia, and exposure for prolonged periods causes victims to feel more at peace and calm. 003 does have the capability to travel through the “dreamscape”, what exactly that in tails is unknown.

Dream doesn’t agree with the extinction event thing because the Holocene period hasn’t lasted for nearly as long as it should. On the other hand, he does distaste humanity/monsterkind for all it has done to the planet. Even so, he feels like they deserve more of a chance.

Nightmare: (Does the Black Moon howl?)(Death) Complete with the theme of being Dreams opposite, Nightmare was born from a black moon and the combination of Ink’s magic bringing life to the earth. He isn’t an evil force or anything, just the night to the day. His design is pretty true to OG nightmare, although his legs and feet share the same digitigrade format. His tentacles are more ghostly than slimy and they drip upwards instead of towards the ground. His bones also have a ghost;y wisp to them, but it isn’t that noticeable. Instead of only having a turquoise glint in his magic, there are sparks of purple aswell. (His original form being a black sphere of what looks like smoke).

His cell is basically an entrance to a cave system that Ink had made for him. Inside is a galaxy of crystals and gemstones that glow and sparkle like the night sky. A small stream runs through, the light refracting off of the water, adding to the glow effect. It is a nice calm place for Nightmare to just chill in, his separate own little world.

Nightmare is kind of mysterious, in the realm of Error in which he likes to watch things happen. Just lurking in the shadows, a quiet observer. Though, he wasn’t as fascinated by life as the others. So to prevent his boredom Ink made him a present- Killer. Nightmare hated the little thing at first but it didn’t take too long to grow fond of the little guy. Not too long later Ink pronounced his joy in watching Nightmare sigh in frustration by sending 2 more bundles his way -Dust and Horror- and Nightmare had to threaten Ink to stop before any more joined the fray.

SCP-004 (Apollyon Class) is an entity whose intentions are completely unknown. A mysterious being that chooses to dwell in the cave system 001 made for it. The entity refuses to interact with personal unless in interview. And when it does respond, it does so in riddles and metaphors. It seemingly takes joy asking more questions than the interviewer, turning the conversation in its favor. On such question that has been repeated multiple times - “Does the Black Moon howl?” has puzzled personal. Though 004 states that if answered correctly and explained why, then it will share its secrets with that person and that person only.

004 proves to be uncontainable like its counterparts, able to travel through shadows. SCP’s 012, 032, and 024 seem to be “followers” of 004, and regularly go missing from their cells. Most likely 004’s doing.

[Ink created Killer, Dust, and Horror during the era where dinosaurs were still alive, so they have some traits from them.]

Killer: (War) Was created by Ink for Nightmare to keep him entertained. Killer was born as a baby in Ink’s very hands, a little skeleton with curved blades for hands and digitigrade legs and feet (and little quills on his back). Growing up under Nightmare’s care was an interesting experience, but he thought Kill’s everything he needed to know.

-[SCP-012, Keter]-

Killer is fast, very fast. And he enjoys killing things (what a surprise). He’s pretty much the same cocky boi as always. His more SCP side is that he doesn’t seem to ever feel pain and the black liquid that leaks through his eyes. That can be used as a type of venomous toxin to whatever he pleases.

Dust: (Pestilence) You know Epidexipteryx and Therizinosaurus? Those are Dust hands, long with even longer claws. He can also turn into literal dust, more of a phantom or wraith in nature. He can walk through walls, and turn others to dust and grow himself if he wishes.

He and Horror could be twins since Ink made them both at the same time. Holding his little creations in his arms as they wriggled and whined in confusion at suddenly being alive.

-[SCP-032, Keter]-

Dust is pretty quiet and tame. He has his episodes but he stays pretty much the same as bookwrym’s, writing’s, and Dark’s Dust.

Horror: (Famine) Since Horror is a vent crawler I based his design on that. Horror’s second set of arms are like a praying mantis with an extra joint, hands serrated blades almost like Killer’s. He used to sit in trees and wait for prey to walk underneath him, plucking them from the ground with his long arms and eating them alive.

Same thing when in vents, just waits over the openings and plucks a person off of the ground and into the vent (if personal don’t keep up with his feeding times)

-[SCP-024, Euclid]-

Other than his design Horror is pretty much the same as bookwyrm’s, writing’s, and Dark’s concept.

Outer: [SCP-044, Safe] His stardust makes him have luminescent galaxy and star patterns on his bones. He floats regularly without control over it and can sometimes make other objects float, in rare cases people, aswell. Ink made him a jacket where pieces of its hood and aglets float off like a sort of fluffy foam. The pieces orbit him like planets to a star before joining back, making a continuous cycle.

(And yes writingforFUN, he will still keep his anime sparkling eyelight’s).

Cross: [SCP-00X, Thaumiel] Was created by Dr. X to help contain and terminate Keter SCP’s. Being forced to kill his brother when he turned Keter, not completely in control of his actions. Dr. X’s “programing” making him see his brother no longer as such, just an object to be eliminated. When Cross became uncontrollable Dr. X put wiped his memory without the 05’s or administers permission and an MTF was sent after him that came back empty-handed. Cross was brought back soon enough and had his memory wiped.

They bring him back in as a staff member and that’s when the story kicks off, mostly following bookwyrm’s, writingforFUN, and Dark’s original outline/convo.

(I apologize for any typos)

#undertale au #scp au #writing

[songofclarity]

For a character who was the catalyst for all the events of the novel WRH got way too little attention and show time in the novel heck we don't even get a face off between him and the protagonists. To me if JGS was a pig in a golden pigsty, JGY a sneaky fox, and XY a rabid dog, then WRH was a mighty dragon. He had all the makings of an amazing villain but that potential was wasted and imo that is one of mdzs' greatest flaws

Mighty dragon Wen RuoHan is so true, Anon!

The spoiled pig in the golden pigsty came out on top after the Sunshot Campaign. He had all the money, a beautiful family, and an intact sect, and yet he wanted all the power left in Wen RuoHan’s wake--as if the world hadn’t fought for three years to get rid of the original.

The treacherous snake who cuddled up to others to steal their warmth and yet bit to kill at the first sign of movement. He acted like that warmth was his due and he had no choice but to bite. Surely the actions of others would either do him harm or leave him cold! He tricked Wen RuoHan into believing their scales meant they were similar, but he only ever dreamed of being a pig in that golden pigsty. (There is a connotation of mischief and charm with “sneaky fox” that does not fit Jin GuangYao in my mind lol)

The rabid dog who was used to being beaten and yet would accept a warm bed and a dish of food from any kind hand. He won’t bite the hand that feeds him but he will absolutely maul anyone who threatens that warm bed and new home he found--or anyone who looks like an easy target for some fun and games.

And then there is the mighty dragon!

I've been trying to respond to this ask for a few days because I agree and yet I also kind of disagree on that last point. I find it hard to say Wen RuoHan’s potential was wasted because it’s his potential to do harm that kept the Sunshot Campaign alive but also his lesser-discussed potential to be influenced towards doing good that could have prevented a lot of grief. Although he didn’t get a lot of page time, his importance to the story is practically on par with Wei WuXian himself and he continues to exist as a specter of evil even after he is dead.

This quote comes to mind during empathy:

On Koi Tower, people came and went. Before Nie MingJue's high viewpoint, the crowd parted again and again, with both sides nodding at him in respect, calling him "ChiFeng-Zun." Wei WuXian thought, Such a show of extravagance is going to reach even the heavens. All these people both fear and respect Nie MingJue. There's quite a few people who fear me, though not a lot who respect me. (Ch. 49 ERS)

One of the major conflicts in MDZS is based on one question: who gets to be the next Wen RuoHan after the Sunshot Campaign? And the sane answer is that it should be nobody. The Sects are independent entities who should take care of themselves and work in cooperation without controlling each other. The Wen Sect was never actually in charge of the other sects so it’s quite twisted for the Chief Cultivator position to be created in the wake of Wen RuoHan’s death. Wen RuoHan is still a catalyst for events even after he is murdered!

More so, when people were saying they hoped Wen Qing would one day take over as Sect Leader Wen because she had a normal way of doing things, it’s because Wen RuoHan calling the former Sect Leader Nie over to passive-aggressively slap his saber a few times and tell him it is a good saber is just bizarre. Of course Wen Qing’s ways of doing things are normal!

Compare Wen Qing being angry:

"If you really are grateful then put in some effort! What [the] hell kind of medicine did you just make? Brew it again!" (Ch. 60 ERS)

To Wen RuoHan:

And, thus, Wen RuoHan wasn't pleased anymore...

Wen RuoHan laughed after he heard. “Are you sure about that? Well, I want to see.” (Ch. 49, ERS)

But back to the scene at Koi Tower, it’s funny that the one closest to becoming Wen RuoHan is quite possibly Nie MingJue, the one now respected and feared, the one who fought the most against Jin GuangShan creating the Chief Cultivator seat. Why did Jin GuangShan create the Chief Cultivator seat? Because no one was ever going to respect him or to listen to him, much less respect him and fear his power to let him do whatever he pleased. But even then, Nie MingJue had to travel to Koi Tower to point Baxia while he made his demands. Jin GuangShan and Jin GuangYao had to murder and lie and scheme to get what they wanted. Wei WuXian had to figuratively set himself on fire. Wen RuoHan simply had to call his target of his ire over and he came, and then he let fate run its course.

Wei WuXian, Nie MingJue, Jin GuangShan, Jin GuangYao--none of them ever held even a fraction of the power wielded by Wen RuoHan. A power shown when Lan XiChen and a bunch of other juniors looked at the waterborne abyss and didn’t even dare to speak the name of the Qishan Wen aloud. Our spoiled pig and even rabid dog look to demonic cultivation to gain that fear element since they lack the wow factors of a powerful cultivator. Wei WuXian and Nie MingJue end up dead because a spoiled pig and a treacherous snake want their golden pigsty to go uncontested.

So it’s hard to speak of Wen RuoHan not meeting his potential when all the Sects left in his wake never achieve a fraction of what Wen RuoHan had. And even then, at no point in the story does Wen RuoHan ever wake up in the morning and pick murder, although the same cannot be said for the likes of Wen Chao, Jin GuangYao, Xue Yang, and even Wei WuXian.

So what I’m getting at here is that despite Wen RuoHan’s lack of appearances, we learn a lot about him through other characters trying to either work for or against him or emulate him. And he does face off against one of our protagonists: Nie MingJue! Although that we don’t get to see their first fight in Yangquan when Nie MingJue was fresh is truly frustrating!

Because even though we do get a Wen RuoHan face-off with a protagonist, it’s his assassination that gets all the attention--and it’s because Nie MingJue avoids talking about traumatic experiences and Jin GuangYao already got what he wanted from that event. The mural at Koi Tower immortalizing the assassination of Wen RuoHan is a snapshot of the heroic Jin GuangYao taking out the Big Bad in a glorious moment. It was also, however, a huge red flag that Jin GuangYao is willing to murder someone who gave him respect, protection, and empowerment so long as he could use their blood to pave his road ahead.

I do have to wonder on the degree of Wen RuoHan’s villainy when he didn’t even bother to take the life of his son’s killer and he passed on the opportunity to torture him, too. But no one in the story talks about Wen RuoHan as a person. They talk about Sect Leader Wen as a symbol, and he becomes a symbol of evil.

Everyone becomes so focused on Wen RuoHan as the Big Bad that for all the crimes the spoiled pig and the treacherous snake perpetrate, the majority of the cultivation world responds with, “If this [evil act and/or abuse of power] was done by the Wen Sect, we would be really concerned. Since the people doing it are not-Wens, it can’t be evil and thus we can allow it to happen.”

And thus the Jin get away with doing a lot of evil. Lan XiChen can look at Jin GuangYao and say, “he has his reasons,” because Lan XiChen has been victimized by the Wens and Jin GuangYao murdered Wen RuoHan so surely there is a divide there between good and evil, right and wrong. This is a very convenient way for letting the Jin get away with doing a lot of bad things! Wei WuXian rescuing the Wen Remants, meanwhile, places him conveniently within the Wen-Sect-Is-Bad camp, and we all know how that goes.

So I do agree that Wen RuoHan had all the potential to become a great villain, not just because he has all the power and followers that let him do whatever he wanted but also because the cultivation world sold us the story of him being a monstrous villain who loved blood and torture. But when the other sects create an uprising against the Wen Sect and label it the Sunshot Campaign, not once does Wen RuoHan try to subdue them. Not once does Wen RuoHan ever turn to violence and punishment or slaughter. He had the potential to be a great villain and stomp on all of them! But he doesn’t.

And I don’t think that’s because his potential went unmet. That’s just his character. He is an antagonist with the potential to become a great villain and yet he stays his hand. His power instead draws villains to him like flies to honey. There’s a reason people wear their time spent as a guest cultivator of the Wen Sect with pride! Wen RuoHan is good to his Sect. The perks and benefits cannot be matched.

But it’s not only the dregs of society that come to the Wen Sect and abuse its power. Wen RuoHan has three morally distinct people closest to him that reveal that he has the potential to be well-rounded:

Wen Qing: speaks her mind, a doctor, refuses to kill, intelligent, talented in the liberal arts, accompanies Wen RuoHan to discussion conferences, pays her debts, won’t die for the main branch which is just an alternative of her don’t-kill policy which is don’t-die-for-stupid-shit-customs policy

Wen ZhuLiu: loyal to a fault, dedicated, obedient, was told to protect Wen Chao and does his job incredibly well because this is how he pays his debt to Wen RuoHan for saving him, doesn’t do anything unnecessary, doesn’t speak unnecessary words

Meng Yao: loyal only to himself at the end of the day, prideful, hardworking, scheming, ambitious, supports petty revenge, pro-murder, stabs as a warning, will sell you to satan for one corn chip, does not acknowledge owing debts to anyone but has the receipts on what others owe him

All three characters are respected for their talents and effectively do as Wen RuoHan tells them. Wen Qing leaves for the Yiling Supervisory Office and takes her rational mind with her. Wen ZhuLiu leaves to protect Wen Chao and leaves Wen RuoHan undefended. Meng Yao makes himself useful in Nightless City and thus stays closest to Wen RuoHan’s side. So who is the one speaking in Wen RuoHan’s ear the most? The one saying murder is OK so take revenge.

And even then Wen RuoHan still doesn’t take his revenge, I’m just saying.

But what I’m trying to get at on this scenic route is that Wen RuoHan is left with all this wonderful potential for a reason. Not only do we see his potential but other characters see it, too. His potential is turned into someone else’s profit. Nie MingJue claims that Wen Qing should have spoken up more, which implies Wen RuoHan has the potential for change or even to do good. The majority, however,  persist on not just his potential but his status as a great evil. The characters in the story make Wen RuoHan into the penultimate evil by a post-war consensuses. With that, the ceiling is pushed so high that other evils are able to bloom in the glass house they’ve made.

“Whatever we do can never be as bad as what Wen RuoHan and the Wen Sect did,” the cultivation world says as they let a mass murderer run rampant, as people are used for demonic cultivation test subjects, as prisoners of war are beaten and killed, as a dozen women are raped and murdered for petty revenge, as brother betrays brother, as a father murders his innocent son for political gain, as juniors are kidnapped and used as bait...

So absolutely Wen RuoHan was a catalyst for many events because people either wanted to be him, have him in their fighting corner, or kill him. He perpetuated events by wanting to correct the cultivation world as he saw fit by indoctrinating juniors in the Wen Sect ways or by setting up supervisory offices to prevent rebellious behavior. He delegated these tasks which put people in positions of power that they only saw fit to abuse.

But Wen RuoHan’s potential to be a great villain competes with his inherent lack of interest in causing death and destruction. I think that makes him not just a compelling antagonist compared to all the others but a fascinating character in general. Considering MDZS gets praised for all its morally grey characters, I don’t think Wen RuoHan should be left out of the conversation.

#this is so long and it probably doesn't make any sense lol #but since anon sent the ask again i shall give you this~! #how does one talk about wrh idk idk idk! #i just think he's neat #wrh is responsible for everything that happened while he was sect leader #just stating that here in case it didn't come across well enough in the post #but i do think wrh delegated a lot and he trusted a lot #and the fact his sect had many incompetent ppl and meng yao #means there is a disconnect between what wrh wanted and implementation #wen ruohan #asked from above #anon #mdzs thoughts

[thetimecrystal]

TIX vs Grønneberg debate

This is based off the review Grønneberg wrote about Ut av Mørket/Fallen Angel. The moderator does explain a lot of it but I will also translate it for you because I feel like you should know it before. Here is also a link to the debate if you want to check it out? 

In my transciption I did not write their names except TIX, Grønneberg and Solvang and I did not include anything about the hairband thing, because I could not listen to Grønneberg munching because of misophonia. I did also add some little notes to explain the cultural meaning of the norwegian referances. Happy reading?

Content warning: discussions of mental health, mentions of alcohol and bullying. also this is kind of long

THE REVIEW:

Those who live, get old. Andreas Haukeland is getting older, 27 years old. He has already mentioned that the Russesongs are too naughty/too much. Wow, that even if it was him who stood in the breeze of that type of verbal and musical garbage. 

The man who makes Stian “Staysman” Thorbjørnsen [a musical artist who writes a lot of boozy party songs] be a sober word wizard, is trying to be a grown-up. And it is a more adult TIX we see in the ballad “Ut av Mørket/Fallen Angel”, who he both sings and has written himself. 

But that does not mean that he succeeds with it either - artistically at least. He is miles away from a dozen male and female artists in his generation who have both quality and credibility. 

He is singing about a woman: about longing and light, tears and loss. Alright then, the theme is wellknown in pop music. But TIX is stumbling around in clichés and the melody is hanging around his throat like a weight. This is in the finale for one reason: TIX is directly qualified, but he should never have been there with such a helpless song. I will eat the TIX-hairband, on a bed of broken glass from his glasses, if he wins the MGP finale.

THE DUEL/DEBATE: 

Solvang: [Solvang welcomes both.] You are actually the reason why we are here, Grønneberg. You gave him dice throw one, you wrote that the only reason he was in the finale was that he was directly qualified and he should never have been there with such a helpless song. You wrote [also] that if you have balls, TIX, you do an Ari Behn [norwegian artist/author who in 1999 wrote the short story collection “Trist Som Faen” (Sad as fuck) which got dice throw 6, that he tattooed onto his upper arm]. You tattoo that dice that hangs around your neck on [your] upper arm, chest, and ass. In a review of a different MGP artist who cares a lot about mental health in the music industry, you finished with “What about crying a little on Lindmo?” You’re allowed to elaborate of course why you wrote this, but first. TIX, what have you reacted the most to the last few days?

TIX: Now I have had more than enough to do with MGP actually, and with preparations for Eurovision. But I am here today because I think that [Grønneberg] is a really alright guy, but it doesn’t seem like that in the public. I think you need a little stern talking because I am reacting to this, exactly this… The signal effect and the attitude with “What about crying a little on Lindmo?”... I cried a little on Lindmo. And then I went and cried a little on MGP afterward. 

Solvang: And for those who didn’t see it, you opened up at Lindmo and talked about your suicidal thoughts, then there came some tears?

TIX: There were a few tears. Attitudes like this are the reason why it’s hard, especially for boys, to open up about mental health. There is a problem that statements like this are allowed to flow freely in public. It strengthens a stigma. 

Solvang: Do you want to answer that first [Grønneberg]? 

Grønneberg: If I may have the word a little bit, then I want to congratulate you on an overwhelming victory. I did not see this one coming. I have worked with MGP for many years, the time ahead is going to be fun. You should enjoy it! The thing with mental health is important to bring up, that you have a perfect opportunity to do. Maybe my dice throw has given more focus to you and your work. 

Solvang: You wrote “What about crying a little on Lindmo?”... or in the sentence before was about how she has a podcast where she illuminated themes like mental health in the music industry. “What about crying a little on Lindmo?” what did you mean by that?

Grønneberg: No, that was a little stab towards TIX and other artists. When they arrive with a culture product, then they go to Skavlan and Lindmo [intimate late-night talk shows] and sell themselves with a dark past or a sad history or suicidal thoughts. Then they get tons of PR, also they get empathy, and because of that, they get a larger audience than they might have. And that is what, the timing. It was the day before [TIX] presented his song [at MGP]. So [TIX] is probably a nice guy, most people are quite nice. But he did time this really directly. That was him and his management clear on.

TIX: I do not decide when I am allowed to come onto Lindmo and talk about my case. I started with the work of telling my story in 2019, already at the Oslo Town Hall Square [VG Lista 2019, a giant free concert with the top songs of the year], when I wrote “Jeg vil ikke leve”. I want to tell you a little story, [Grønneberg]. Or first… I think it’s such a shame that you must question my agenda, because precisely by doubting people’s intentions when they talk about mental health then you make it even harder for people to open themselves. And now it’s like that… [Solvang cuts him off.]

Solvang: What do you feel he implicit is saying?

TIX: It implies that I was on Lindmo just to sell myself, just to win something on it. When I was on Lindmo, I had just been announced as Norway’s most-streamed artist the year before. I was at Lindmo because now I had the opportunity to really tell my story in a way that made it so people heard. It’s also the case that I as an artist will always have something to sell. I always have a song in focus. Also, I want to tell a story, if I am allowed.

Solvang: Yes, just make it as short as possible.

TIX: Yes. Two years ago, I was in a funeral. Three hours after the funeral, I was standing at a stage in front of 15 000 children and teenagers/youth. When I get off stage, then I am thinking for myself, out of all these people here, how many here will struggle with eating disorders, their mental health, will struggle with anxiety or problems in their home in the next year, and how many of these kids here will maybe not be here the next time I come to the town? And that is why I choose to go on Lindmo and cry in full publicity because it's so important to stand out as an example that it's okay to be open.

Grønneberg: As I said in the introduction, I do not have any issues with you talking about mental health, it is really important. When you have lived a while, like both you have done and at least I, then you get some abrasions on your soul… 

Solvang: So you are saying he is doing it out of commercial and cynical reasons? 

Grønneberg: I think… Well, he said it himself, that he always has commercial agenda, and all artists have that. But I am not saying it’s not with true emotions. I do not wish anyone mental pain. We have probably all felt like that one time or another, so it’s not about that. 

Solvang: You have insisted that you are very careful with separating the song from the person. You have for example said that it is the song “Fallen Angel” you have reviewed. Are you sure that you every time keep your act straight and don’t fall for the temptation of denoting the person?

Grønneberg: If you read my reviews of TIX, which was written before he was at Lindmo, then there is nothing written where I talked poorly about him. I talk about his song, and I did not like it and that is what I am writing about. And we talked in the introduction about this die, and the dice throw he could tattoo. And in the finale, then it hung around here [he gesticulates to his chest] and it felt like a sign, a little stab to us reviewers. And I thought I should reciprocate this back. 

Solvang: Can you confirm this? 

TIX: In the same way I took back the nickname TIX, from my childhood, then I took back the die and turned it into something positive for my part.

Solvang: Do you feel as if Grønneberg and other reviewers strictly adhere to what you produce of song material and music? 

TIX: No. I do not do that. But I do not care about the dice I get. I have never cared. To me, then a song gets a thumbs up or a thumbs down, does it work with the people then it’s a thumbs up. And I have never cared. This right here is a debate I have not asked to join, except when I said that I do not enjoy all your suppression techniques and how… There are so few musical competencies as a basis for your formulations. There are so many inaccuracies/irrelevancies… 

Grønneberg: [Overlapping] Just to interrupt! Because I have been doing music critic for many years, I have been an artist for many years. I played in a band which was called CC Cowboys. I have been on many stages, I have been backstage, I have been in front of scenes. I have the experience, so you cannot take me on my professionalism/competency. But you can take me on taste...

TIX: [Overlapping] Can you show this professionalism/competency? Can you show a little of this professionalism/competency in your musical reviews? After all, you have 30 years more in the industry than I have. I am 27 years old and I can see that what you are writing, is completely wrong. The rest of Norway does the same. 

Grønneberg: Culture critique is not about math, music is about taste. I can like what someone else does not like. That is how culture criticism is. 

Solvang: The review that we are mainly talking about, where you gave the dice throw one, you do not clearly distinguish between person and song. Over half of the text is about TIX’s background. It is about him as a Russeproducer. You wrote he is miles away in credibility than different male and female artists in his generation. Why do you write this way when you are just supposed to review his music?

Grønneberg: There was no hate in that. I have to hang the bell on the cow. I have to describe the artist. You have to have an intro. I tell what I know of TIX. I think about his contemporaries, who are between 20 and 30, 35 years old. They have a completely different musical credibility, at least in my ears. It is of course my ears I am talking about, no one else’s. 

Solvang: What do you think about this?

TIX: Do you know anything else about me, [Grønneberg]? Do you know anything more about me than I am miles away from any artists around my age? 

Grønneberg: That is my opinion. I have never met you before. And I thought now afterward that there is good food, you don’t have to eat the hair band, but we have both red wine and something else good. So we can sit backstage afterward and talk a little. 

TIX: Yes, we certainly can. But it’s even like so… This right here is not just about me. This right here is a general problem with how you express yourself, how you use your power as a music reviewer. You have room to say things publically that a large audience read. And with that comes a responsibility, just as how I have a responsibility for the things I say. Every single time I am on TV or in media, I am petrified of what reactions I am going to get. Because I know I can do mistakes, and now you have done several mistakes and I am here to tell you and ask you to be a bit more careful. Not just for me, but for other artists too.

Grønneberg: I have not done mistakes. I have taken the song and not the artist the entire way and that can be documented by going to the source and checking what I have written. It’s so simple. An artist have to endure hearing an opinion. The reviewer doesn’t have to be right but it’s the reviewer’s job to come with an opinion. And that I did, [TIX].

Solvang: It may be that many agree with him, when he writes “Just because one million flies enjoys shit. doesn’t mean shit is actually good.” And many might agree and it is completely subjective. 

TIX: I think it’s completely okay to express a subjective opinion in media, even if you don’t necessary are on the same wavelength with the people. But it is about how you express yourself. Because a lot of your formulations are like… It’s pure bullying language, like for example “Begin to cry!”

Grønneberg: What he referred to there was a metaphor. You are allowed to talk in pictures, especially in Eurovision-context. It is not just in Norway, but also in the UK and Sweden. There is an own, more colorful denomination in journalism. And should we live in such a humorless society that we aren’t allowed to use our language, use your palette. Please. 

TIX: Music review of Kevin Boine, MGP 2020, “Sounds like a gene mistake and should have been removed early in pregnancy.” Tone Damli, generally more focused on her looks rather than the music actually. “Wish I could see less of her microphone and more of her beautiful face.” I agree, Tone is hot. I think we all could agree. But that is not what a music review should be about. It’s supposed to be about music. 

Solvang: You’re going to be allowed to reply afterward because you’re staying, Grønneberg. [...] Is there anything you want to say at the end before Grønneberg is going to eat?

TIX: Yes… It is… I have… [he lifts his dice] I did win this and I am really proud of the fact that I came so far as I did in MGP. But even if I might not get an apology from you, [Grønneberg], then I hope that you can be more careful with your expressions forward, because it affects people. It does not just affect who you’re writing about, but it affects everyone who sees these attitudes flow freely and those who see that talking about other people is alright. It is not alright. If I as a parent, as I hope to be someday, hears that my son had been talked to like this, “What are you going to do? Begin to cry?”, then I had been so sad. 

Solvang: We let that be the period. [HAIRBAND TALK] 

TIX: You, [Solvang]... Finally, I want to say one thing. I get that right now it feels like an entire country is against you, [Grønneberg]. And I do not think this is right, because there is allowed to make mistakes here. So, I do not want you to eat the hairband if you really do not want to. Because to me, it doesn’t matter. I just wanted us to have a proper talk and behave ourselves. 

Grønneberg: A nice gesture, but I stand by what I have said. But I invite you to pancakes without a hairband and some good whisky or red wine. 

[HAIRBAND TALK]

#tix #andreas haukeland #eurovision #translation #boy oh boy was this something